The First Loss Is The Hardest
The First Loss is the Hardest
By Slate Sadpony
“Don’t worry dear, it’s okay!” said Fluttershy. “Mommy’s here!” Gently she caressed the cat with her hoof, avoiding eye contact but ensuring the animal felt comforted and safe. She knew how terrifying a visit to the vet could be for an animal, especially one that was here for vaccinations. It was hard enough convincing a pony that some shots were good for them. How was she supposed to explain to a cat that hurting it today would help it tomorrow?
“You sure do have a way with animals,” said Dr. Mane Goodall. Gently she maneuvered the vaccination needle into place and performed the injection. “When I first moved here, I thought I’d have a heck of a time finding a good assistant in a town this small. But there were ponies back in veterinary school who didn’t have as good a rapport with animals as you do!”
“I um, I just try to pay close attention,” said Fluttershy, now caressing and cuddling the cat post-vaccination. The feline purred, curling up its tail and nuzzling Fluttershy gently. “Animals won’t just up and tell you something the way a pony will. You have to read it in their eyes, in their body language, and so on.”
“You’d be amazed how many vets don’t understand that,” said Dr. Goodall, washing her hooves in a nearby sink after disposing of the various rubber and cloth coverings from her face and hooves. “You know, you could be a really great vet if you wanted to. Why don’t you consider going to veterinary school? You could do your residency here, with me, and I’d love having someone to share the workload with.”
“Um, I’d be okay with that,” said Fluttershy, hiding behind her mane a little. “But, I never did all that well in school, and when I left Cloudsdale, I um, I never bothered to re-enroll.”
“You mean you never graduated high school?” said Dr. Goodall, incredulous.
“Um, yes, I mean, sort of,” said Fluttershy, stumbling over her words. Her lack of a formal education was a point of personal embarrassment, especially around intelligent ponies like Dr. Goodall. She always felt so inferior to them, in so many ways. It was just so much easier to deal with animals, who didn’t have things like an education or formal training. They just were, and all Fluttershy needed to do was let them know she was their friend.
“Fluttershy, you’re a very intelligent young pony,” said Dr. Goodall. “You really should get a proper education, so you can do something with your life.”
“I’m fine,” said Fluttershy, leaving out how much she hated school, or rather the teasing, anxiety and heartbreak inherent to any sort of schooling. “My parents bought me a very nice tree house on the edge of town, and Princess Celestia has very generously approved my application for public welfare. Plus there’s this nice bakery in town that gives me day-old bread for free, and my friend Applejack lets me collect all the windfall apples I want. So really, I have everything I need.
“It’s still a shame to see somepony with so much talent being nothing more than my part-time assistant,” said Dr. Goodall. “But I can’t live your life for you. Just let me know if you ever change your mind, ok?”
“I’m sorry,” said Fluttershy, backing up a bit. She didn’t know why, but she suddenly felt like crying. She didn’t want to, though. Not in front of Dr. Goodall. She had been doing so good up until now. Maybe she should just quit.
“Will you be back here same time tomorrow?” asked Dr. Goodall. “That traveling clown, Ponyacci, his pet seal is having indigestion problems. I’m really going to need your help figuring out what’s wrong with Slapper, so that Ponyacci can know whether to let him continue the tour or if he’ll need to hire a replacement. It’s a big job.”
“I’ll be here at eight,” said Fluttershy, slowly backing out the door.
***
Fluttershy slowed her gallop to a trot, panting and trying to catch her breath. She didn’t know how her friend Rainbow Dash managed to run so hard for so long, much less fly great distances. She had barely managed a few blocks and already she was out of breath. At least she managed to get out of town. She always felt uncomfortable around other ponies. It was as if even their slightest glance was filled with judgment. She could really only spend time with those she felt close to, like Rainbow Dash or Pinkie Pie. Even then, she mostly let them do all of the talking, sitting there politely and saying nothing unless they specifically asked her a question.
Leaving the road, Fluttershy found herself in the middle of one of the numerous unoccupied fields that surrounded the town of Ponyville. The Everfree Forest had been extensively cleared outside of town to discourage wild animals from coming in and rooting through garbage cans or bursting through kitchen doors. These vast open areas gave Fluttershy a lot of room where she could be herself, and also gave her an opportunity to meet various adventurous animals and make new friends. The waist-high grass hid everything from mice and snakes to rabbits and foxes from potential predators, and now that they had grown used to Fluttershy, most of the animals accepted her as a benevolent presence. Provided, of course, she paid close attention to them and kept her distance when they wanted her to.
As she walked through the grass, she saw that something big and heavy was moving towards her. She stopped still, trying to get a good look at it, but preparing to flee. There were strange and terrible creatures in the Everfree Forest, and sometimes they ventured out for their own malevolent reasons. More than once she’d had to take to the air to escape some nameless horror cooked up by the magic of the forest, flying off towards town without even bothering to get a good look at what was chasing her. However, many of the large animals could likewise friendly. Wild boars might not be up for rubbing noses, but she had met wolves and even bears who found her pleasant company.
As the animal came nearer, charging through the tall grass, she realized by its whimpering and trotting that it must be a dog. Wild canines such as wolves and foxes could cut through the grass almost silently, only being seen when they wanted to. Dogs, however, lacked such instincts and instead charged through the grass clumsily, trampling stalks and struggling to make a path rather than following one left by a deer or moose. Fluttershy smiled, figuring the poor animal had simply gotten lost and was looking for a friendly pony to help him get home.
What she saw, however, was a sick, scared and emaciated creature that could not belong to anypony, or rather, Fluttershy could not imagine that any pony would let their dog enter such a state of decay. In addition to being frighteningly thin, much of his hair was missing, and there were numerous lesions across his back and flank which oozed thick, half-dried blood. He had no collar, nor were there any marks of him ever having one. He looked less like a dog and more like some perverse parody of one, some sort of hideous monster cooked up by someone intending to present dogs as disgusting and terrifying rather than cute and cuddly.
“Oh you poor thing!” said Fluttershy, looking deeply into the animal’s sad, frightened eyes. Though he was hideous, Fluttershy could see that all the dog wanted was help. She approached him slowly, giving him plenty of time to back up or flee, before petting him softly about the ears. Even then, she ensured he did not feel surrounded, taking care to make sure neither her hooves nor his wings blocked any possible avenues of escape. “Would you like me to help you?”
***
“I’ve seen some pretty badly sickened strays,” said Dr. Goodall. “But I’ve never seen anything like this. In addition to dehydration and starvation, this puppy is suffering from heat stroke, sunburn and exhaustion. I pulled a dozen botfly larvae out of him, and I am pretty sure the reason his hair fell out is because his thyroid is failing. That might also explain the smell, I think some of his skin is necrotizing. Otherwise it’s mange. Suffice to say, he needs a bath. And, when he’s recovered, a canine distemper vaccination and some de-worming medicine.”
“But he’ll be okay, right?” Fluttershy did not even look at Dr. Goodall as she spoke, focusing entirely on the dog. The look in his eyes pleaded with her every moment. She just had to do something.
“Honestly, Fluttershy, if I had found this dog, I would have quietly euthanized him and buried him in the graveyard outside town,” said Dr. Goodall. “He’s a very old dog, and he’s in immense pain right now. Even with the most intensive medical care he will only live another year or so, and likely in great pain. From the looks of it, he went stray as a puppy and has never once seen proper medical care. To be honest, I’m surprised he even realized he could turn to you for help. Most wild dogs don’t do that.”
“Don’t you dare use the “E” word around me, Dr. Goodall!” said Fluttershy, who suddenly realized she was crying. She refused to let this stop her, though. “This dog came to me looking for help, and I am going to give it to him! I may not have used any words, but I promised him I would make him better, and that is exactly what we are going to do.
“I figured you’d say something like that,” said Dr. Goodall, smirking slightly. “Well, I suppose you’ll find no better educator in terms of canine medicine than this specimen here.” Dr. Goodall moved to her cabinets and began removing a selection of pills, salves and instruction manuals. At first it seemed as if she meant to empty them entirely, but she merely pushed all of them into a single overstuffed bag and set it down in front of Fluttershy. “You’ve already used most of these with my other canine patients, but please read and follow the instructions religiously. I’m really worried about drug interactions here, especially with how weak he is.”
“His name is Patches,” said Fluttershy, rubbing the dog’s ear and offering him a water bowl. He lapped at it eagerly, his tail weakly wagging in delight.
“Apt,” said Dr. Goodall, smiling and rubbing Fluttershy’s head. “I get the feeling you two will learn a lot from each other.”
***
“Who’s a good doggie-woggy?” said Fluttershy, gently rubbing Patches’s head with her hoof.
Patches wagged his tail lightly and nuzzled Fluttershy’s hoof in response, perking up his floppy ears slightly as she caressed him. While not the most affectionate of animals, he clearly loved Fluttershy, and the two were generally inseparable. Patches would sleep behind the animal hospital while Fluttershy helped out the doctor, and when she went on house visits he would find a sunny spot in the yard and nap there as well. Though he still had the instinctual fear of ponies and other dogs inherent in all wild dogs, he was determined never to be out of eyesight of Fluttershy, even going so far as to whine and scratch at any door she went through until she let him in. She had even begun to let him sleep on her bed, although the urine stains and mangy dandruff he could not help but leave forced Fluttershy to run the laundry almost daily.
Still, stench and the occasional pee puddle were small prices to pay for the gratitude and love that Patches lavished on Fluttershy every day. Yes, he couldn’t fetch a ball or a stick at anything other than a walking pace, but he did so very enthusiastically, clearly loving to bring back to Fluttershy what was “hers.” He never stared at her with judgment or disappointment, instead being proud of her and excited to see her no matter what happened. If she showed up late for work or caved in to pressure from others or even forgot an important appointment, Patches didn’t care. He loved her all the same. And that was what Fluttershy needed most of all.
There was a knock on Fluttershy’s door, followed by the sound of it being opened without permission. Only one pony did that: Rainbow Dash. Fluttershy braced for the inevitable wave of boasting, bragging and property damage that usually followed in Rainbow’s wake. She cared about Fluttershy like a sister, but still. She could stand to use a bit more tact.
“Hey Fluttershy!” said Rainbow Dash. “Guess who won the -” as she walked into the room, Rainbow Dash was suddenly hit by Patches’s smell, making her stop in her tracks. “Sweet Celestia! Did another circus bear take a dump on your carpet?”
“Patches can’t help that he smells,” said Fluttershy. “Besides, it’s not like you’re one to criticize. You smell like a gym bag!” She was amazed at her response, which was so unlike her typical behavior. Still, Rainbow Dash brushed it off with her usual overwhelming confidence.
“Well anyway, as I was saying, I just won the Junior Fliers Sprint!” said Rainbow Dash, flashing her brand new medal in Fluttershy’s face. “I just had to fly down from Cloudsdale and let my best friend Fluttershy know!”
“Sounds like it’s time for a victory party!” said Pinkie Pie from the front door. Unlike Rainbow Dash, she wiped her hooves and waited for Fluttershy to invite her before entering. Her preference for politeness didn’t stop her from bouncing in like a kangaroo on a pogo stick, however. “When I heard Dashie streaking through the sky towards your house, I just knew I had to come and see what she was so excited about! And I also knew I needed to bring chocolate chip cookies!”
Rainbow Dash grabbed one without asking, digging in. “Mnfff! Your baking is always the best, Pinkie!” said Rainbow Dash, finishing one and then digging into yet another. Despite being only a year younger than Fluttershy, she was remarkably immature. Still, it was hard to dislike someone with such enthusiasm and loyalty towards her friends. Even if she was getting crumbs on the carpet.
Patches, who seemed to never not be hungry, moved over to Rainbow, approaching slowly but seduced by the crumbs. Fluttershy had to move in fast. “No, Patches!” she said, gently restraining him with a hoof. “Chocolate is very bad for dogs!” He resisted her, but weakly, before finally giving up and laying back down. He always seemed so exhausted.
“The best part is that I got this brand new racing uniform from this new place called Carousel Boutique,” said Rainbow Dash, now on to her third cookie. “The seamstress, Rarity, is like, a total priss. But she totally understood what I needed when I said I wanted something like the Wonderbolts. It’s not the same colors or anything, but it’s really form fitting and totally cuts down on the air resistance and stuff.”
“Aren’t you a little young to be wearing something skin tight,” joked Pinkie.
Rainbow Dash batted at Pinkie’s mane. “Hey, some of us fillies grow up fast, Miss ‘I’m going to leave my family rock farm and move in with the cake family’. How’s that working out, by the way?”
“Well, thanks to Fluttershy, I’ve figured out what to do with all the day-old bread,” said Pinkie. “And that’s feed it to her pets, not the ducks, like I had been doing. I had no idea it was bad for duckies!”
“It’s okay,” said Fluttershy, rubbing Patches’s hair a bit more. He had fallen asleep again, and was apparently having a good dream. She just hoped he didn’t pee on the rug, it really brought the room together. “A lot of ponies don’t know that. But day-old bread is fine for puppies and kitties who need carbohydrates in their diet. Patches here loves your day-old bread when doused in gravy and made soft for his old teeth.”
“I’m glad!” said Pinkie. “I’ve been thinking about expanding into doggie treats at Sugar Cube Corner, and maybe kitty treats too! After all, pets need birthday parties just like ponies!”
“Speaking of parties,” said Rainbow Dash. “Isn’t there one for Ms. Cheerilee today? I overheard some of the foals talking about it while I was driving rain clouds off the playground.”
“Ohmygosh, I almost forgot!” said Pinkie. “It’s in just four hours! I better go get the cake in the oven.”
“Can I come too?” said Rainbow Dash. “I mean, I wasn’t in any of her classes. But she doesn’t know that, does she?”
“I assure you she does,” said Pinkie, smirking. “But there’s always plenty of cake and ice cream, I’m sure one more pony won’t be a problem. Neither will two - Fluttershy, how about you? Wanna join us?”
“Um, I need to give Patches another bath,” said Fluttershy. Patches had become a convenient excuse in recent weeks. It wasn’t that Fluttershy was shy around the other ponies in town, she just needed to take care of a very sick animal. The fact that his smell was worse than most ponies could handle was also useful, in its own way. It certainly kept off a lot of casual conversation.
“Okay, well, I hope you don’t mind if I save you some cake,” said Pinkie. “And don’t worry, I know chocolate is bad for dogs. So I won’t bring Patches anything other than sweet, creamy cake!”
“Thanks, Pinkie,” said Fluttershy, although she knew she would be giving no cake at all to Patches. With his thyroid and other problems, anything other than dry dog food, soy gravy and the occasional piece of bread were off the menu. She gently tugged on Patches’s collar, getting him to his feet. “Come on now, Patches, let’s go make sure that water is nice and warm.”
***
Fluttershy gently tapped the ball with her hoof, making it roll and bounce a few feet. She smiled as Patches lumbered after it, the old dog moving slowly but with satisfied determination. As he brought it back, she patted him gently on the head, then slowly sent the ball away again, making sure his old bones didn’t have that far to walk. She knew this exercise was important for the old dog, and she could see the light in his eyes, even though his joints still gave him pain.
Fluttershy gently stroked Patches’s head with her hoof, nuzzling his cheek gently with hers. “I love you, Patches,” she said, smiling at the pup. But as she did so, she realized something was wrong. Rather than returning her smile with a wag of his tail, Patches was beginning to panic. At first Fluttershy thought she’d merely spooked him, as he was prone to growing nervous with too much touching or close contact. But as she looked, his legs suddenly gave out from under him and he collapsed into the dust. Fluttershy felt helpless as she saw the terror in his eyes.
Not knowing what to do, she quickly put Patches on her back and took off as fast as she could to Dr. Mane Goodall’s office. She knew the doctor would have closed up shop, as it was well past five by now. But Dr. Goodall never strayed far, and even if she wasn’t in her bedroom or library, Fluttershy would have no trouble finding her.
Fluttershy had never been much at running or flying. Despite the best efforts of her friend Rainbow Dash, she had never quite mastered speedy movement, and as such her efforts to move at speed were labored and clumsy. She pushed on, however, ignoring the pain in her hooves and wings as she pushed them harder than she ever had before. Tears clouded her vision, and she narrowly missed running into several other ponies in her mad dash to the veterinary hospital. She didn’t know what was wrong with Patches, but with every passing second, he seemed to get worse and worse.
As she came to the door, Fluttershy found herself pounding on it with both front hooves, belting out a tremendous racket. When Dr. Goodall didn’t immediately respond, she ran around to the back, continuing to pound on the doors and walls. Fluttershy was about to attempt to break in when she finally heard the doctor’s voice from behind her.
“What’s wrong, Fluttershy?” asked Dr. Goodall.
Fluttershy was too distraught for words, and simply held up Patches for inspection.
Dr. Mane Goodall shook her head, her face filled with concern. “The examination room. Now,” she said, unlocking and opening the door quickly.
Fluttershy needed no encouragement. As Dr. Goodall’s assistant, she had learned the procedure in an emergency, and though she was terrified she found the strength to follow protocol. Though she did not have the practiced control and discipline of Dr. Goodall, she managed to follow orders clearly enough, retrieving various machines, tools and equipment as Dr. Goodall raced to diagnose the problem.
Soon, however, Fluttershy could tell that things were not going to end well. While Dr. Goodall cured most of her patients in short order, Fluttershy had been present at several deaths, and all of the signs were there. Frantic movements gave way to slow, deliberate ones. Stimulants were replaced by painkillers and then sedatives. Machines that intervened were replaced by those that monitored. In the end, the inevitable came, with Dr. Goodall disconnecting the machines entirely and giving Patches one last soft pat on the head.
“I’m sorry, Fluttershy,” said Dr. Goodall. “But there was nothing we could do. His heart completely failed.”
Fluttershy stumbled, then fell to her haunches, her whole body overcome by shock. On a certain level she had always known this day would come, but she had always pushed it out of her mind, not thinking about it. Now that it was happening, she didn’t know how to respond. She began to cry, but the crying felt hollow. Rather than the relief she normally got from a good cry, Fluttershy became all the more depressed as the tears flowed. It felt like a piece of her had gone missing, and somehow, her normal coping strategies did nothing.
“It’s all my fault!” said Fluttershy. “I should have gotten here sooner! Or not kicked the ball so hard when he exercised! Or...I don’t know, I just…”
“You did what you were supposed to,” said Dr. Goodall. She came in close, hugging Fluttershy. “I’ve never seen any pony give so much attention and care to a sick dog before. It was humbling, really it was.”
“But Patches is still dead!” said Fluttershy, whimpering. She couldn’t take her eyes off his body. It looked so small and limp there on the examination table. Not moving. Not breathing. It didn’t even look like Patches anymore, now that it was so impossibly still.
“All pets die,” said Dr. Goodall. “It’s just part of life. They come into our lives, fill us with joy, and then they have to leave.”
“But it’s my fault!” said Fluttershy. “If I’d just-”
“You can’t fight the laws of nature,” said Dr. Goodall. She put a hoof under Fluttershy’s chin, forcing the pegasus to look her directly in the eye. “What you did was a wonderful thing, Fluttershy. You took a dog who had never known love and, for six weeks, made him the most loved and cared for animal in all of Ponyville.”
“But I couldn’t make him better,” said Fluttershy, sobbing.
“You made his life better,” said Dr. Goodall. “And that is the greatest kindness anypony can give to an animal.”
***
“Now now, Angel, you really should eat your spinach,” said Fluttershy, gently caressing the young rabbit’s ears. “Green, leafy vegetables are good for bunnies!” She smiled and helped herself to a bit of the raw leaves herself, chewing and swallowing them gently. They tasted good to her, and she only wished she could get Angel to try them. “See? Momma likes them. Why don’t you give them a try?”
Fluttershy gently caressed Angel and gave him encouraging noises as he nibbled at the spinach, which he clearly liked but did not want to admit. Angel had been a problem child that the pet store could not place, and as such the owner was all too happy to give him to Fluttershy for free. The fact that it was to help her “get over” the loss of patches was a cover, Fluttershy knew, but still. In his good moments, Angel was an intelligent and delightful creature to have around.
Watching Angel eat, Fluttershy gently leaned against a tree, knowing that Patches was buried on the other side. The loss still stung, but slowly, surely, she was getting over it. The ground where he had been buried had slowly settled down to the level, and his ball, placed on her mantelpiece, was slowly gathering dust. Patches remained in her memory, and she thought of him with every patient, careful moment she spent with the animals. Every kindness, every overlooked moment of stench and discomfort, all of these were her way of honoring Patches and putting what she’d learned from him to good use.
“I still miss him, Angel,” said Fluttershy, gently caressing the bunny as he finished his meal and gave her an appreciative hug. “But it’s good to have you around. Now, let’s go check on those birds I’m helping to train for Celestia’s visit. I hear that her prize student will be dropping by to check on my progress! I just hope I’m good enough for a princess…”
Author's Note
This is a story that sat around for awhile and that I'm still not sure feels "right." I want there to be more conclusion and moving on with Fluttershy, but I don't know what to do there. Additionally, I wanted to include more scenes of her and Patches being friends, but I didn't know what to include. As such, the work feels incomplete, even though I have no idea what to add or what to do with this other than post it.
I hope y'all enjoy it, and I'm now just going to move on to the next thing.
