TCB Reconstructed

by The Good Dark Lord

Rating: teen
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Human, Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Other, Romance, Original Character
Length: 3063

A remake of the original and highly controversial Conversion Bureau story by Blaze. Newfoals are not smiley zombies. Celestia isn't evil. The villains are the HLF and the PER. And Humans are simply awesome.

A remake of the original and highly controversial Conversion Bureau story by Blaze. Our main protagonists are two Newfoals named Ethan and Barry who have conflicted feelings about whether or not they regret turning into ponies. The Conversion Bureau itself is simply a cultural exchange. Celestia is not hell bent on conquering Earth. Our villains are the HLF and the PER. Humans make it clear that they are in charge, not the ponies.

Set in the Reconstructed Universe. TCB is an inherently ridiculous idea, so expect lots of comedy and lampshade hanging.

Published 2015-04-25 01:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-04-25 01:00:01 UTC

Prologue History Lesson

It had appeared out of nowhere one day.

By the time Celestia herself had gotten word of it, billions were dead and more than half of the planet had already been consumed.

Some were driven to desperation and tried attacking it in vain, some were driven to despair and took their own lives. Those that chose to flee were either hopeful or delusional.

The pitch black barrier had just crossed the borders of Equestria. It continued to encroach inwards at a slow pace, surrounding the entire country. Celestia sourly noted that it was almost as if the barrier had been saving Equestria for last.

The survivors were congregated in or around Canterlot. Most were ponies. A few were members of other species that were as good as extinct. It was a futile gesture, but any illusion of hope was welcome.

"We are running out of time." Celestia said with a trembling voice. She turned to the Mane Six, Luna, Discord, and Cadence. "Luna, it is time we put those alternate universe spells Starswirl taught us to good use."

Luna nodded. "Indeed it is, Celestia. Cadence! Bring forth the mirror!"

Cadence dragged the Crystal Mirror into view.

"This is it everypony." Celestia said. "Ever since that barrier first appeared, we have tried almost every conceivable plan, and this is the last: Plan Number 69. If this fails, we will all die."

"Wait, are we planning on going to that mirror universe where we're all humans?" Twilight asked.

Celestia shook her head. "No Twilight, we are not. We are using its power to guide us to another universe, but not that universe. Now, everypony get in position!"

Everyone nodded and got ready.

"Luna, help me cast the spell! Discord, use your powers to strengthen the world-travelling magic of the mirror! Elements of Harmony, use your magic to spread the spell's influence across the country! Cadence, hold the mirror steady!"

Cadence frowned at that last part, but did as she was told.

Alicorn Magic, Harmony Magic and Chaos Magic all converged on the mirror, swirled around it for a moment, and then a beam of light shot straight up into the sky. The light went as high as it could until it stopped just beneath the dome of the barrier. Then, from that point, pink energy began to spread out from it. It spread out and downwards, forming a protective counter barrier.

The invading black barrier immediately clashed with the opposing pink barrier. An unstoppable force versus an immovable object.

Then, the pink barrier began flashing, and soon enough, the black barrier, which could be seen from the other side, disappeared. Beyond the pink barrier they could see clear blue sky. Every living soul held its breath for a solid minute. Had they escaped?

"Discord?" Celestia softly said.

"Yes, Celestia?" Discord said with surprising seriousness.

"Could you go outside the barrier and, as they would say, test the water?"

Discord nodded and teleported away with a snap of his claws.

"Did it really work?" Cadence asked. "Did we escape?"

"I believe we did." Luna said. "However, we have a whole new set of trials before us."

"Indeed we do." Celestia agreed. "For one thing, we have no idea where we are, or even what kind of world this is."

"There are so many variables to consider." Twilight nervously said. "I mean, our first question we need answered is whether or not this place supports life. That's why you sent Discord to scout ahead, right Princess? Yes? Okay, good. Either answer brings forth a whole new slew of problems. If this planet doesn't support life, how are we supposed to survive in this little dome? Can we live it out if we're careful? And if there is life, is it life like us? CAN WE SURVIVE IN THEIR ATMOSPHERE? ARE THERE NATIVE INTELLIGENT RACES?! ARE THEY FRIENDLY!!!"

"Twilight, breathe." Cadence said.

Twilight did so. "In and out, in and out!"

Discord reappeared in the room, chuckling to himself.

"Well, Discord? What did you find?" Celestia said.

Discord continued chuckling. "Heh heh, test the water, ha ha! You just had to say test the water, didn't you? Ha ha!"

"What are you talking about?"

Discord pulled himself together. Literally. "Okay, ahem, so, I went outside, looked around the immediate area, and guess what I discovered?"

"What?"

"Equestria's in the middle of an ocean."

6:59 AM

...

7:00 AM

BEEP BEEP BEEP

Seventeen- year old Ethan McCullough groaned with annoyance as his alarm clock started beeping. He reached a hand out and turned it off. Ethan forced himself out of bed and started getting dressed. Another day of high school. Yipee.

Ethan was your standard white bread protagonist with blonde hair, good looks and average body build. Nothing special.

He left his room and went down the hall to the kitchen to get some oatmeal. On the way he passed the living room, where his mother and father were staring intently at the television. That was strange, usually they were hustling and bustling around the house getting ready for work. "Son, come see this." His father said with a worried tone.

"Um, okay? What is it?" Ethan asked.

"Listen to the news anchor." His mother said. Her hands were formed into a steeple in front of her mouth.

Ethan looked to the television and his eyes bugged out.

"Only two hours ago on this day, December 21st 2012," the CNN anchorman said, "A giant pink dome containing what appears to be a large island has been discovered in the Atlantic ocean off the eastern coast of the United States, only 500 miles from Manhattan."

"My god, it's Cuba all over again." Mr. McCullough said.

"I'll get the keys to the bomb shelter." Mrs. McCullough said.

Ethan blinked. "Bomb shelter? We live just outside Chicago what the fuck do we need a bomb shelter for?!"

Mr. McCullough simply shook his head. "It's a Cold War thing son, you wouldn't understand." He shook his fist at the television. "Damn Russians, no doubt they're behind this."

Ethan sat across from his best friend Barry Gelsi in the high school cafeteria. Today's special was Mystery Meat Slop.

"Did you see the news?" Barry said with an excited grin. "That shit is crazy!" Barry was your standard slacker best friend with messy brown hair, average looks and a lanky body build. Last year he was voted most likely to do pot.

"Yeah, I saw it," Ethan said, "But now I wanna know if this is the start of the Mayan apocalypse or something."

"Hey man when the zombies start eating everyone you can stop by my place and borrow some shotgun shells."

"You guys are being ridiculous," Jimmy said. Jimmy was a pudgy black kid with glasses and bad acne. "It's probably just some stupid elaborate hoax. We'll forget all about it after a month."

Later that day, Ethan sat down with his parents to watch the evening news.

"We've had reports streaming in from the military all day," The reporter standing next to a military pilot said, "And we have been assured that there is no present threat. With me here is Jack Smith, a jet pilot who claims to have come into contact with the dome. Care to shed some light on this, Jack?"

Jack nodded. "That I can. It was around noon, and up until then all the jets and ships have been doing the same thing all day, circling the dome. My CO said that he just got orders from higher up to send one of us into the dome to test it out, so he sent me."

The reporter frowned. "So he just sent you in with no reason to guarantee your safety?"

Jack continued. "You only live once. So anyways I tried flying into the dome, but when I came into contact with the surface it just kinda, well, pushed me along."

The reporter raised an eyebrow. "Care to explain?"

"Instead of going through the barrier or crashing and exploding, my jet just kinda started gliding along the surface, like it was a bubble or something."

"So then what did you do?"

"I reacted the same way the American military generally reacts when faced with foreign defiance. I flew away from the barrier, circled around, and fired a few missiles at it. I was all like 'bang bang, Merica'."

The reporter took a moment to give a deadpan stare to the camera, then resumed the interview. "And what happened after?"

Jack shrugged. "Nothing really. The barrier didn't break or even crack so now we're taking shifts watching it."

"I think the aliens made those explosions just to see what would happen," Shining Armor said, "I doubt they were actively attacking us."

"Then it would be in our best interests to not anger them" Celestia reasoned, "They obviously have a technological advantage over us."

The next day, Princess Celestia revealed herself to the humans. All across the world all the world leaders and religious people flipped their shit at the discovery of another sapient species.

Meanwhile Ethan just stared at the television. "My god. Aliens exist."

Two days after that Celestia, her sister Luna, and one Day Guard and one Night Guard met with the United Nations in New York City.

"So how did it go?" Twilight asked once Celestia, Luna, and the two guards returned.

"They're humans." Luna flatly said.

Twilight's eyes bugged out. "WHAT?! Are you saying we went to that mirror universe anyway?!"

"No, Twilight," Celestia wearily said. "These are different humans, and they have made it very clear to us that this is their planet, we are only guests here, and the moment we prove to be more trouble than we're worth, they will get rid of us."

"Th-they're gonna kill us?"

"No," Luna said. "They would have us all stuffed into a rocket and sent to the moon. They showed us footage to prove that they were not bluffing." Tears started to form in her eyes. "I don't want to go back to the moon. I really don't."

"This is the best thing ever!" Barry exclaimed. "Magical talking ponies! Holy shit!"

"They're nothing but trouble I tell ya!" Jimmy said. "No doubt they're putting on a sweet facade, and when the moment is right, they'll stab us in the back!"

"Oh you're just paranoid."

"I have damn good reason to be paranoid! They have to be here to invade us! There's no way two sapient races can peacefully coexist!"

Eight Years And Four Months Later

Twenty-five year old Ethan McCullough gave one final goodbye to his parents before walking out their door and to his car. He got in, started the engine, and drove to his apartment twenty miles away. It was eight'o'clock at night and it was lightly raining.

Tomorrow was the big day. He was going to get on an airplane, fly to New York, and then take a boat to Equestria to start a new life. Barry had the same idea so they were going together to save money.

Ethan had spent the last couple hours talking about it to his parents. They had taken it pretty hard at first, but after a while they figured worse has happened and accepted it. Oh, they weren't concerned about the whole 'moving to Equestria' thing. No, they were worried about their only son going to the "Conversion Bureau" and turning into a pony. A human does not lightly drop the topic of transforming their species to their parents, especially if it means getting knocked a few links down the food chain.

The Conversion Bureau, ah, what a fascinating and controversial idea. The seeds to the idea were planted almost a decade ago, during First Contact between humanity and ponykind. Humans wanted in on Equestria's land and resources but The Barrier denied them that. Ponies were allowed to travel through The Barrier at will, but faced with overpopulation and starvation on their relatively small mass of land, made a deal with the humans. Ponies would send shipments of valuable material to countries that could pay for it (USA, Canada, Britain, France, Japan, etc.) and in return Equestrians would be allowed to become citizens of human countries.

It started poorly, but once both sides realized the benefits, it became a rousing success.

The years that followed were peaceful, if tense. Entire new terror groups and cults were formed because of the ponies' presence, but they rarely gained any actual power or sway. Then, five years ago, some humans decided they wanted to live in Equestria. The Barrier denied them that, of course, but that did not stop them from trying to find a way anyways. Meanwhile, the ponies were faced with the threat of inbreeding, due to their decreased numbers.

Three years ago, Twilight Sparkle created the prototype Ponification Serum. She explained the compromise to the world. "You humans want to live in Equestria, but the Barrier only allows ponies to pass through. If you turn into a pony, the Barrier will let you pass. In return, we get new breeding stock."

As one would would imagine, the outcry was phenomenal. Even Celestia was against it. When questioned, Twilight Sparkle simply said "This is the only practical way to get a human into Equestria. I've tried teleporting and a hundred other ideas, but none of them worked. My species just barely numbers in around one hundred- thousand. You want to live in Equestria, I just want to save my species. Besides, this is only the prototype version of the potion. Even if you agreed to my terms, you're gonna have to wait another few years before I perfect it."

Just last year March, Twilight Sparkle perfected the Ponification Serum. A demonstration was shown on live television with a human volunteer. One minute after drinking the 3 ounces of purple potion, the man transformed (on live television, so it was fairly horrifying to sensitive audiences) into an Earth Pony with a red coat and yellow mane. His first words upon the transformation's completion were "Holy f**k this is trippy." A couple days later he legally changed his named to First Blaze. Later that same month, construction of the first 'Conversion Bureau' began in New York City. Construction was completed in December. When the Conversion Bureau first opened to the public in January, 90 humans converted into ponies on opening weekend. In the months following up to the present day, a total of 1,129 humans have converted into ponies. It is their choice whether or not they stay in the human world, or move to Equestria.

Newfoals. That's what the converted humans were called. Body of a pony, mind of a human. Although they were accepted into society, there was prejudice against them from humans and ponies alike. It was discovered after the first few conversions that Newfoals are, in fact, omnivorous. The humans considered this slightly creepy. The ponies were downright terrified. Flesh eating ponies. My god. Then the Newfoal dental records revealed that their teeth was still human. Incisors, canines, bicuspids, molars, they had it all. Ever seen the teeth of a Pacu fish? Yeah there's some reference for the creepy factor. THEN it was discovered that Newfoals are slightly more in tune with their predator heritage than regular humans, for some unknown reason. It is theorized that the potion mentally degrades the civilized part of the human mind. None of this has stopped some Newfoals from moving to Equestria and settling down with a Native Equestrian. Bow chicka bow wow.

Ethan pulled into his garage. He wasn't going to sell his house, not yet anyway. Just in case he wanted to stay in the human world, or he didn't like being a pony and decided to take the Humanification Serum. Oh yeah, forget to mention that didn't I?

When questioned on the event a Newfoal would desire to become human again, or a pony would like to become a human, Twilight Sparkle assured all that she was making a potion for such a purpose. "It would be silly of me not to have a backup plan", she said to the press. However, Twilight also made it clear that it was still a work in progress, and wouldn't be done until next year.

Ethan double checked his bags to make sure he had everything, and then went to bed.

Now you're all probably wondering: why? Why the hell would anyone want to turn into a pony? Well, there are plenty of reasons NOT to, but there a few reasons why one would. Ethan's personal reason was simple human curiosity. To explore and experience the unknown. To try something fantastical and once impossible. And hey, ponies have magic. Why the fuck wouldn't Ethan want to try that out?

Next Chapter: Ethan gets turned into a pegasus.

Author's Note

What I am trying to do is reconstruct The Conversion Bureau universe. I've read a lot of TCB stories, but all of them are either mediocre (the original), disgusting (Chatoyance), or so close yet so far (Not Alone).

At its core, this story is a remake of the original story by Blaze. Same characters, same general plot. I am going to try to apply some amount of reason to every factor in the story of how it could function in the real world. TCB is also an inherently ridiculous idea, so there will be plenty of comedy. This is set in a much more optimistic universe.

I WILL NOT make the ponies into genocidal nazi racists. I WILL NOT make humans out to be slavering barbarians. The only characters in this story who are truly evil are the HLF and the PER, because fuck those guys.

I would like to establish here and now that this is not set in any previously established TCB universe. This is an independent universe that shall from here on out be called the "Reconstructed Universe". Not to sound arrogant, but I like to think I'm doing for TCB what Transformers: Prime did for Transformers. I'm creating a grand aligned universe that takes bits and pieces from other universes to create a sort of Ultimate Universe.

I intentionally wrote the history part in broad strokes. Feel free to write spin-off stories set in that time, readers. FEED MY EGO!!!