Kerbal Equestria Program

by Kokokoo

Rating: everyone
Tags: Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Princess Celestia, Crossover
Length: 6564

The fun-loving little green men have found a planet that isn't bare or covered in ice. Nothing good can come of this.

The Kerbals have conquered the solar system. They think. At least, they're pretty sure that they have almost 90% of it covered. Possibly.

Bored of sending titanic landers and massive rovers to moons and planets, the Kerbal Space Center staff consulted their idea machine; the janitor. "Why not a one of those other glowy orbs in the sky?" KSC immediately began plans for an interstellar ship and consequently fired the janitor because he thought of it first.

Equestria is in for a huge surprise.

Published 2013-11-08 15:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-15 04:16:46 UTC

Step 1: Build a Rocket

The engineers in the Vehicle Assembly Building had finally recieved the ordered shipment of massive orange Rockomax Jumbo 64 fuel tanks. Piling onto each other, (They spent their budget on rockets, not cranes. That would just be silly.) the industrious little green men quickly ratcheted in a Rockomax brand "Poodle" liquid fuel engine.

All of the KSC staff wrapped a bunch of rope around the stability enhancers (They were were really just strong magnets to keep the crashy mcsplodey rockets off of the ground until liftoff.) and slowly dragged it to the launchpad. One unfortunate little kerbal did not pull hard enough.

Within a matter of seconds the rocket sent the VAB into pieces.

Jebediah, Bill, and Bob walked into the VAB expecting to launch into orbit before getting promptly smacked in the face by giant trusses and fuel tank scrap. The poor pilots never had a chance.

The "Maiden Flight MKII" was simply a replica of the first model, but with racing stripes. (The engineers said it would make it go faster. Probably.) The kerbals had most likely learned from the mistake and tied rope around the giant concrete supported truss towers and marched on the count of 3.

One of the kerbals in mission command was confused and at the count of 1, he firmly shoved the throttle lever upwards and smashed the launch button.

It turns out that the stripes really did make it faster in comparison to the first one. Mostly because the first one never flew. And neither did this one.

After deciding that a new name was probably a better idea, the KSC Committee for Health and Safety (The health and safety of the delicate rock underneath the KSC of course. What, did you really think that the little green men care about each other? Pffft. Preposterous.) had decided that not as many bad memories for themselves and the gorgeous granite underneath the VAB would occur if their eventual demise bore a different name.

The kerbals had aptly named it "Flyer".

Needless to say, the VAB had to be rebuilt again and the rocket did not live up to its name or its ancestors'.

5 rockets later, the kerbals had finally figured out the problem. They had concluded that it wasn't the rope that was the problem, (Clearly.) it was the position of the rocket that was the cause of distress and maiming of thousands of family members.

The kerbals began to build the massive rocket at the launchpad as they began ratcheting in "small" (Small in comparison to say, Cthulhu. It was pretty freakin' big.) sized FL-T8000 fuel tanks as the hot sun began beating down on the hard workers. The inspectors did their rounds and made sure every nut and bolt was in place to ensure that this flight not be a failure.

An inspector politely leaned in closer with his magnifying glass in the bright sunlight. Making sure that the fueling hose was waterproof he backed his head away from the hose to let some light in to see better through the glass. The light began to focus. The hose started melting as the inspector ran for his life, screaming in a shrill, chirping voice.

"RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN R--"

Once again, a building in the KSC went up in flames. It was more than one this time.

Author's Note

I can't be the only one who thought it was an absolutely fantastic idea to use Rockomax Jumbo 64s (the frakkin massive orange ones) on their first rocket. My reasoning behind it was: More Fuel = Longer Flight, Engine Uses More Fuel = Pulls Its Own Weight

That is definitely not the case.

Step 1.5: Build a Working Rocket

The concept spread across the KSC cafeteria like wildfire. It was so daring, so exotic and seemingly supportive that it almost seemed as if it just might work. It was the most radical concept they had heard of since wings, or healthcare. Two pilots, Bill and Bob, conversed and debated whether or not it would be the best idea for the next flight. The tension mounted as the polite debate came to verbal badgering and loud shouting.

They began to attract extra pairs of eyes, but they didn't care. They were lost in the moment, stating all the reasons why it should or should not come to conception. It was ridiculous, unpredictable. Yet it was an alternative to the needlessly hard and tiring work that went into a rocket launch. Bill threw the first punch as Bob countered by blocking with his left forearm. Quickly jabbing Bill in the gut, Bob backed up and got into proper fighting stance.

The two beat and battered at each other for what seemed like hours. Bill stood undefeated, successful in his complete and utter show of raw testosterone. Grabbing a schematic off the floor, he thrust it into the air.

The concept in question was wheels. With a cart. Big enough for rockets.

The average kerbal stupidity is unsurpassed by any other race ever, surely.

Once more, the KSC staff piled around the 3-stage rocket with renewed vigor and newly found faith in their latest concept. It only required a measly 15 kerbals to gently nudge the 15 ton rocket to the launchpad.

The grinding of metal wheels on concrete screeched across the space center as mission command forced themselves to shut their headphones off for 2 minutes. Ever so dramatically, the cart crept up onto it's perch, the 2 meter-high launchpad that had never been properly used. That was all going to change today.

The team of 15 quickly ran to the mission control building and glued their faces to the windows in glee. From the windows, Jebediah Kerman could be seen apprehensively approaching the rocket, obviously traumatized. Jeb put his right foot a meter away from the rocket, waiting for it to explode in his face. To his surprise, it never did.

Ecstatic, the sprightly green pilot jumped up and grabbed the ladder, skipping every other ladder rung in his haste. Jeb quickly threw open the cockpit door and sat awkwardly at a 90 degree angle in his chair, facing the sky. Jebediah flicked a button labeled "communications" as he heard the faint sound of an antenna telescoping.

The excited pilot screamed into the microphone like a child would to wake his parents for the holidays.

"REAAAAAADY!"

Jebediah Kerman set records and shattered preconceived notions about flight that day. He swiftly shoved his left hand upwards on the throttle and slammed on the SAS button. He kicked a foot pedal (Really, really hard. In the following flights, they had to use mechanical pencil springs for the pedals because evidently buggy suspension was "too tough for man babies") as the craft lurched forward at 80m/s.

Jebediah grinned ear to ear during the entire ascent, (He had quite a problem grinning with grinning ear to ear without ears.) only occasionally having to straighten the navball. The altimeter read 11000 meters above sea level. Jeb jerked a lever to the right as the craft tilted.

The loud drone of engines ceased. Jebediah kicked the ridiculously strong pedal once more, and 2 (hopefully) small explosions followed. Another ear-shattering roar took its place as Jeb really, really wished that noise cancellation existed on their cheap, 5 dollar helmets. A massive plume of plasma and smoke followed the craft as it began to turn at its 45 degree angle. Checking the navigational computer above him, Jeb took notice of the fact that the periapsis was moving and that his flight path can now formed a perfect circle.

They did it. They finally did it. After months of hard work, corporate espionage, and fuel indicator tampering, they did it.

They totally just managed to trick Jeb into thinking there was enough fuel left to burn back towards Kerbin.

Step 2: Consult the Idea Machine

After 27 successful flights to the Mun, (out of 892 flights total) and 18 successful landings, the kerbals soon grew bored of the moon.

After 91 successful flights to Duna, the kerbals decided that rust-covered planets are pretty dumb.

After 25 successful landings on Eve, the kerbals found out that more air and more gravity is a terrible, horrible thing. (Landing legs could barely support themselves and parachutes always opened so early that they practically burned up.)

The kerbals went to Dres once. It was pretty stupid.

After going to Moho 32 times, the astute scientists learned that the closest planet to the sun is surprisingly cold. Mostly because there was no atmosphere. Mostly.

The kerbals crashed into Jool, the green gas giant, at least 67 times due to them trying to open their eyes. Turns out, they had no eyelids.

Eeloo, the tiny, icy, little clump of dirt was just that; a tiny, ice, little clump of dirt. It took weeks to get there.

The KSC was in a state of distress. All their lives, all they had known was crashing and flying. And now, they had done both more times than they'd like to! They already tried to build an orbital sun station before one of the secretaries pointed out the fact that they were already on one. He was fired immediately.

The staff turned to their only hope, their last bastion in this confusing situation.

All 300 staff members stood outside of the janitor's door frame, as he stood stock still and wide eyed. (As stated before, they had no eyelids so he couldn't really help it.)

"We need help," they all pleaded in perfect unison.

"With what?" he firmly asked in a scruffy voice.

"We're bored," "There's nothing else to do," "What are we supposed to fly to now?" "I can't find my left shoe!" "My kids are spoiled brats!" "The moon is stupid! Can't we just build a death star or something?" "There's no more planets left to deface!" They all spouted various problems, but the ones that stood out the janitor in particular were the ones where they stated that they had nowhere else to fly.

"Why not a one of those other glowy orbs in the sky?" he responded to their questions with another question as silence fell over the crowd.

Nobody moved. Not even a cricket dared chirp.

"That... that's genius!" an excited voice rang over the horde. The crowd erupted into cheers and the occasional curse word as they rejoiced in the amazing plans they were already forming in their heads.

"Mr. Janitor Man," one of the managers began as he patted the janitor on the back, "I would proudly love to do you the honor of awarding you..." the manager dramatically paused. "this certificate of appreciation," he confidently stated, unrolling a piece of lined paper in front of his face.

YOU'RE FRYRED.
LEAVE THE THINKING TO REEL GENIUZSE

The janitor dropped dead due to complete loss of IQ points.

Step 3: Build a Bigger Rocket

The kerbals, renewed with the idea of a brand new task, cancelled all of their current and finished flights on other planets and around the sun as they self destructed. The massive rovers and gigantic landers and stationary bases all went up in giant, fiery plumes of, well, fire. (Or if there was no atmosphere, the entire thing was simply torn to shreds as its carcass went flying in different directions at 800m/s) Thousands of lives were lost.

In all honesty though, nobody really cared.

The industrious little kerbals at the Space Center began to do what they did best; blow things up. They rigged the entire Vehicle Assembly Building with Rockomax Brand Fuel Tank/Explosive Charge Hybrids (It was really just a fuel tank. Probably. After all, it was safe enough to put on the past 26 flights. That subsequently failed.) and stood back. Jebediah, with his new-found courage and all around uncaring demeanor towards exploding things, detonated the entire building with his mind.

Just kidding, he used an electric detonator.

The massive building shot into at least 5 different directions as walls and corners and sliding doors collided into various kerbals and buildings. By the time that some of the concrete started cooling back down to about 300 degrees Celsius, many kerbals thought it wise to move the pieces so that they may begin reconstruction. They burned their hands off faster than they could say, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Help me!" Which surprisingly, takes a long time to say.

The debris had been cleared and a new, shinier, bigger VAB stood in its place. But it wasn't shinier, I lied about that part. Shiny is subjective, and in my opinion, new concrete doesn't look very shiny. I digress.

The new Vehicle Assembly Building towered above the newly assembled research and development compound as the kerbals stood ready to launch their rockets. Yes, rockets. The 16 launchpads surrounded the space center, all waiting with massive and varied pieces attached to the noses of titanic, looming rockets. Some were fitted with vital chassis pieces, other were fitted with cup holders and couches. Some were duct taped, some were welded.

A booming, yet oddly squeaky voice chirped a countdown.

"10. 9. 8. 6. No wait, I mean 7. 7. 6. 5. Wait, let me restart. I screwed up," the voice admitted.

"Alright, take 2. 10. 9. 8. 7--" the voice interuppted itself, "When I said, take 2, I meant 'take 2' not, 'take 2, 10, 9, 8.' Just wanted to clear that up, if you thought I counted wrong."

"6. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1."

The rockets didn't budge.

"Oh! Uh... liftoff?"

The the crack of electromagnets powering down whipped across the air as the space center became enveloped in noxious hydrogen smoke. Air filters were probably the next thing the guys over at R&D should get working on.

Step 5: Jettison Everything and Hope You Don't Die

The side plates rigged to the abort sequence exploded in a perfect line, each charge setting off half of a second after the last. The small gunpowder charges exploding to the rear of the craft finally reached a halt as the side plates of the starship fired off perpendicularly. Giant piston sliders extended engines from the main fuselage, behind where the side plates used to be. The 7 intakes on the front end of the giant engines began to scream, taking in air denser than that of Kerbin's. Within 3 seconds, the engines kicked forward as part of the abort sequence.

The altimeter read 67km above sea level, and fortunately, rising. The unfortunate other 3 kerbals standing the cockpit (Jebediah included) soon found themselves glued to the back of the admittedly pretty massive room. The speedometer read 5021m/s. Rodfrod found difficulty in following his directions to keep the navball steady. His hand shook violently as he slowly slid the ball downwards to escape the atmosphere. The navigations computer recalculated their descent as it grew into a large sub-orbital hop. The abort sequence switched from 70% throttle to 100% throttle, as part of the automated STEADLER Corp. "Hope You Don't Die" brand emergency throttle-up-and-jettison-everything sequence.

Within 1 minute, the huge ship reached apoapsis as weightlessness took over the passengers once more.

That feeling of tingly funniness was shattered in an instant when the main plates and heat shields ejected off the craft. The exposed, naked mess of trusses, docking ports, and fuel lines glinted in sunlight for the first time in nearly 4 years. 6 landers, 4 satellite probes, and 2 deployable, stationary bases (Complete with mining drill and empty fuel tanks), and 6 rovers detached from the docking ports, leaving everything in the ship but the cockpit empty.

The satellites did what they did best; floating around, sending signals, recieving signals, and dropping important phone calls with corporate powerhouses in the middle of important phone calls that could have potentially "their big break."

The landers repositioned themselves with their reaction wheels, all of their thrusters pointed toward respective retrograde markers and ready to turn them on at moments' noticed. The rovers followed suit, their lander comrades as rudimentary heat shields. The bases, however, had their own heat hull casing, much like the ship did. They were to explode off as well, when the time was right. They would have no problem during re-entry and they both sported about 12 parachutes each and small LV-909 thrusters, cleverly hidden in the hull.

The scattered crew sat tense in their seat, waiting for the extreme pressure on their bodies that occurs right after weightlessness. The kerbals significantly lacking in their courage on their KGCST (Kerbal Generalized Courage and Stupidity Test) bit their metaphorical fingernails in their spacesuits, simply awaiting their crafts to tear apart and expose them to the harsh, fiery exercise of re-entry.

It had only been 20 seconds since undocking, and the kerbals stood vigilantly next to their individual abort buttons, hoping that STEADLER Corp. was kind enough to make sure that the abort sequences worked on the individual crafts.

Jebediah, Rodfrod, and 2 other kerbals sat in the starship cockpit and soon undocked as well. The only advantage over the other craft that they had was the fact that their cockpit was built to survive re-entry, heat shields or not. Even if the parachutes failed and ripped themselves off of the cockpit, and the landing gear malfunctioned, only half of the command module would be completely and utterly obliterated.

The atmosphere thickened as the grand total of 15 craft stabbed through the air, catching fire and surrounding themselves in a brilliant orange glow. The friction wore off space-proof paint and chipped the tagging of the Kerbonauts that thought it humorous to leave their names on their craft. Many landers' integrity was weakening and slightly, ever so slightly, bending inwards. The rovers following behind the landers cut through in the air with relative ease, their "friends" plowing through the majority of the harmful atmosphere for them. The bases were completely fine. That's all that needs to be said about them. Like really, I can't find anything motivational or interesting to describe about them for you. Seriously.

The most dangerous part of the atmosphere had been cleared with no casualties, and thankfully, none of the craft had sustained notable damage. The landers deployed their legs and the bases popped off their heat shields. The radial decouplers popped them off with small charges as the heavy squares and rectangles flew sideways, narrowly avoiding the landers and rovers. The rovers moved out of the way, as to not hit the landers on their way down and all 15 craft throttled up roughly 20%. After about 40 seconds of 20% thrust, the combined force of retrograde thrust and aerobraking had slowed them down to maintainable 21.6m/s. They were going to touch down near a beach, 2300 meters above sea level.

Within 3 seconds, all 15 craft began a suicide burn until they reached 500 meters above sea level, in which the repeatedly switch their throttle to 5% and killed it. Everything contacted light, at only 2.4m/s.

Nobody died. Hoping works(?)

Author's Note

The ironic part about that opening scene, the one where they're falling and ejecting, I was listening to "Spinnin'" by The Ready Set. Dohoho

Step 6: Set Up "Tents"

2 hours had passed and the two bases deployed only about 12 meters from eachother. The landers repositioned themselves near the bases, to form a campground of sorts. The kerbals were provided a false sense of security and did not mind. They were pretty used to it. 6 pairs of kerbals hopped onto rovers, to further explore the area around them.

The small, wheeled craft kicked up dirt as they sped forward at 10.4m/s, off to explore new land. This land was much unlike anything that the little green men had ever seen before. Instead of the usual sand, dirt, and occasional rock, there was these weird brown poles sprouting from the ground. The had green atop them, and one of the kerbals thought for a small moment that his long lost brother might be among the massive poles. After a few scans, the confirmed that the foliage above was indeed foliage.

In way of other plants, the kerbals were beginning to find oddities on the land. It was supposed to be relatively flat, with nothing but a thin, orderly layer of grass above the soil, just how Kerbin's soil should be. But it was an untamed, billowing hair of the green color, whipping across in the breeze. Shrubs and bushes were among the poles, and the odd bush stood in the middle of the meadows near the beach. It was so chaotic and unpredictable! The little green men were thoroughly confused by how grass could grow higher than the soil it laid on. It simply didn't make any sense!

And these poles, they generated oxygen, according to the barometers. (They voided the warranty by conducting this test; Probodobodyne Inc. explicitly stated that exposing their product to air voids it.) The temperature stated it was a mellow 76 degrees Fahrenheit. It was safe to breathe, and the atmosphere had not been polluted with 17 years worth of nuclear and liquid fuel smoke. One of the braver kerbonauts, Rodfrod, took off his helmet and took a giant, drawn-out breath. the other 11 cried out, cutting themselves off once they had seen the Rodfrod Kerman was completely okay.

The communications channel lit up with cries of surprise and exclamations of disbelief. "Huh?" "What?" "How in the...?" "Impossible!" "Whoa." "Nuh uh! Not even! How? What?" "You totally could've just died."

Rodfrod began a gleeful dance of victory, ecstatic that he could take off the pinching, itchy spacesuit. He quickly stuffed it in the trunk of his rover and continued leading the small herd of cars.

"You guys! You totally won't believe what we just got from the guys in the rovers!"

"Hmm...?" "Oh really?" the crowd rang out over the small campground.

"It's safe to breathe! The grass and plant machines make their own oxygen! It's not even cold, either!"

The crowd stood silent for a full minute. Nobody dared make a noise. It was eerily similar to speaking with the late janitor.

Within 3 seconds, everybody twisted their helmets off and literally jumped out of their suits in glee. The oppressive, sweaty suits no longer clung to their body and the kerbonauts ran around happily in the blue shirts that they all had been wearing since recruitment. Playful screams and laughter rang across the beach and over the waves. They were happy.

Roughly 2 Hours Earlier...

Rainbow Dash raced the massive rock, barely keeping up. Her wings were pushed to the limit as even her natural pegasus air shielding began to give away. The air burned her belly and forelegs as she mentally screamed and wondered how this creature could go far without burning itself to a crisp. Daringly opening her eyes again, she spotted the giant rock glowing a brilliant orange, fire barely clinging to the front of it.

It was slowly inclining upwards, going further and further up to the thinner part of the atmosphere, where Dash's wings would work less effectively and her lungs breathe less. She took one last breath before darting forward again. The rock slowly stopped spitting flames as it neared the edge of the atmosphere. It almost slowed to a halt and Rainbow Dash flew forward to get a better look.

Rainbow looked back down, something pegasi should never do. And what she saw was magnificent. It was huge. She would've stared at the massive globe for hours, if she didn't soon come to the realization that she was running out of air. She snapped her head back toward the rock once more as a giant, muffled crack whipped across the thin air.

The rock ripped and mangled itself apart once more, its ugly, metal skeleton shining in Celestia's sun. The bastardization of a once perfectly symmetical rock stood still a revolting mess of cross-crossed metal and yellow tubes. It was covered in hundreds of cylinders and black/yellow lines. She almost bucked it for trying to race her and winning, but stopped herself.

The skeleton began screaming. Dozens of voices chirped and yelled for each other to "enter this, enter that, close this, close that." The word "go" rang out over and over and over. What sounded like hundreds of metal doors slamming and thousands of clicks slowly echoed ominously.

The skeleton broke off its limbs at every section labled "Warning" or "Caution" covered in black and yellow tape. They slowly drifted away from the spine as the head soon followed, in a macabre finality. Rainbow Dash almost threw up at the disgusting prospect of a creature that screams and tears itself apart, high in the the air so that nopony hears. But she was running out of air. She started falling back downwards and the skeletons and its severed limbs followed suit. Her face turned a pale purple, in high contrast to her cerulean coat.

The thick of the atmosphere began to kick in again, and she would not survive another flight through the devastating air. But she needed to breathe. There was no other way back down without being grounded forever or dying. She needed air, and she couldn't breathe that air because she was going so fast. She didn't have much time to panic as a octagonal limb hurtled toward her and knocked her unconscious. She clung to the back of the craft as it took the brunt of the heat whilst her limp body lay uncomfortably on a giant circle with a plus sign in the middle.

Step 6.3: Start a "Camp"fire

After hours of exploration and adventure-related happy times, the kerbals returned to their makeshift headquarters. The rovers parked themselves next to each other, inside the "perimeter" of a headquarters that they had established. All 6 stood, perfectly in line and parallel with each other, though the same could not be said for the kerbals. The hitchhiker containers in the bases would only support 24 of the crew of 56.

With a troublesome difference of 32 left, four teams of 8 went to find something that kerbals had not used in decades; a solid fuel. Charcoal. Though how it remained elusive to the kerbonauts for 4 hours after sunset was inexplicable, they finally found some in a patch of brown pole-lands of black substance that was identified as makeshift fuel. It was oddly barren, and only recently was formed from who-knows-what. Maybe even those brown poles, who knows?

4 teams trotted back towards HQ, arms full of charcoal and hearts full of wonder. Or was it minds? Minds, probably. I don't recall the heart being able to sustain emotion. Huh? Oh. It's an expression you say? Okay. Well, I don't see why not. Okay, so yeah, their hearts were full of wonder. And blood.

The cold kerbonauts dropped a giant pile in the center of the compound of landers and bases and quickly lit it with a toy rocketship that was hiding under one of the lander seats. (The kerbals were so overly optimistic that they actually built real rockets that were the size of toys, and after they failed, they were marketed as "exact replica" toys. They even had working parts, too.) The pile went up in flames, the resulting blazing plume of fire only to be rivaled by their rocket engines. The whole compound was lit up in a glorious, warm, orange glow. The crackling and popping of the black pieces of who-knows-what left a foul smell in any non-existent noses nearby, though only one creature stirred at the smell.

Rainbow Dash gently moved, knowing that she was halfway through the painful process of waking up. She streched and yawned as she slowly blinked her weary eyes open. She stared at her cerulean blue forehooves, only to find a straight line of exposed and reddened flesh in place of burned fur. Quickly recalling what had happened earlier, she screamed to find herself atop one of the skeleton's limbs. Her sensitive skin was now exposed to the cool sunset and she shivered violently.

She darted upwards only to hit a reinforced ceramic balcony as a little green biped holding a water bottle toppled over. Quickly darting back upwards and away from the balcony, she met eyes with a very confused looking lime paint can atop an asterisk in a blue suit. They awkwardly held each others' gazes for a grand total of 3 and a half seconds before they both started screaming. The green man slammed against a wall, backed up, clicked open a door, and started screaming again as it closed.

The spectral maned pony stood on the balcony, with nothing but an oddly shaped L-structure, a table, and a water bottle to keep her company. Remembering that she was standing on a corpse, she jumped up and dashed toward the setting sun, to find her way back to Ponyville. She was going to have to explain to Twilight Sparkle that little green paint cans walked around and screamed at her when she woke up on top of a skeleton with half of her foreleg fur missing.

Twilight couldn't possibly doubt Dash. Never. Under any circumstances, whatsoever. At all. Period.

Author's Note

I think you guys might get a kick out of the next chapter title. Hopefully. It's a pretty obvious reference to a well known story.

Step 6.6 "Kill The Pony, Cut Her Throat, Bash Her In"

Author's Note

To clear up another confusion from the chapter prior, the brown poles are trees and the "who-knows-what" substance is charcoal. Anyone who's ever read a book (ever) should understand the title of chapters and the obvious references in character name.

Step 6.6 "Kill The Pony, Cut Her Throat, Bash Her In"

Ralph Kerman and Pigdon Kerman moped around, retrying communication over and over. The spire of an antenna shot radio waves into the deep blackness of space, to the unresponsive satellites. The boys inside the deployment bases rearranged the satellites, pointing them toward whatever they thought was Kerbin in the night sky.

The base drills ripped into the ground, looking for some substance their computers recognized as "Koel". Aluminum and iron were abundant, and scarcely collected. The raw metals were piled near the coast, where the team of engineers began stabbing and poking at the metal, beating it and putting sphere shaped pieces on brown poles. The engineering foreman, Jack Kerman, had some disagreements with Ralph, leading to the antenna being ripped off of one the bases for the jet they were constructing.

Over the loud hum of the drills and the bickering of a team of engineers and communication officials, a group of 12 odd figures approached during the fleeting sunset.

"I believe her!" A chipper, pink little pony exclaimed.

"I just don't see how it's possible. There's nothing beyond the sun and the moon." The pink maned pony's bookish and intellectual friend responded.

The rainbow maned pegasus was furious. "What do you mean by that? Do think I wanted to burn off my awesome fur?" The pegasus responded to her own question, "No!"

The purple mess of genuis summarized what she had been told moments prior, "So let me run through this. You met paint can-headed, green, tiny minotaurs that crawled out of a metal skeleton that blew itself up..."

"Uh-huh."

"And you followed it into the extreme outer atmosphere..."

"Yep."

"And passed out on top of one of the bones...

"Yeah, just about."

"And burned the fur on your forehooves off. After you woke up, you flapped your wings almost to Ponyville and collapsed on top of Sugarcube Corner." She finished.

"You can leave that last part out, thanks." Rainbow Dash blushed. "So," Rainbow remembered her original proposition, "can you get Princess Celestia and Luna and like, 4 guards to come with me and check it out?"

"Probably not. You've been reading too many Daring Do novels lately."

"Gee, thanks for your help, egghead." Rainbow turned around with the bitter taste of defeat in her mouth.

Rainbow closed the door behind her with her eyes closed as she walked to Sugarcube Corner. She needed something sweet to counter the foul taste of a failed attempt. Pushing the door open, Pinkie Pie jumped up and exclaimed, "I can help!"

"GAAH! Pinkie! Where'd you come from?" Dash yelled out in surprise.

"My mommy and daddy, silly!" She smiled, her cheerful face stuck in an endless, mile-wide grin.

"That's not what I mea-- How'd you get here so fast?"

"I walked!" Pinkie's unimpaired, flawless reasoning failed to catch onto Dashie.

"Uhhh... Alright? So what do you mean you can help?"

"I have friends in business, ones really good at figuring out where ponies are going to so that I can plan super-duper amazariffic suprise parties!" Pinkie gave an unnerving, but infectious grin to one of her best friends.

"That's kinda creepy, Pinks," Dash regained her ability to coherently speak, "So where are these ponies?"

"Everyone in the shop, silly!"

The three spies lowered their newspapers and seven more stopped their bland and fake conversation to wave at Rainbow. Rainbow shrank at the prospect of these people being enlisted in the E.S.A. as all ten badges slapped against tables in the bakery.

A quiet, "Eeep." came from the brave pony.

Step 4: Burn for 3 Years

The ecstatic little Kerbals soon gave up their happy demeanor upon realizing that they had 9 years worth of fuel and it would take them 4 years to get there. The entire rocket had to be assembled in space, and it sported a cockpit roughly 20m in diameter. Except, nobody was in it. Jeb had simply taped a brick the throttle lever and set an egg timer for 3 years.

Meanwhile, in the MKIII Hitchhiker containers, the crew of 56 were all doing various things, from eating to playing space ping pong to reading books. For the most part, everyone was having a good time in the relatively cramped can of a room. Jeb soon got bored, due to the lack of explosions and objects hurtling through space, so he ventured toward an airlock near the end of the room and switched on his EVA pack. A hiss and slam were the only sounds in the cold vacuum of space.

Positioning himself toward a different part of the titanic ship, he moved the forward controls up toward a massive circular can object. Minding the frail solar panels, he gently grabbed onto the ladder and opened another airlock. He was soon inside a room full of small, vertical tubes. Quickly climbing in one, he removed his helmet and set it on a table. His body froze, consumed in cold air. He closed his eyes, ready to go into a deep slumber and not to awake for another 3 years.

He imagined all of the amazing things he could dream of within 3 years and realized he was ecstatic to start sleeping. Upon realizing that he couldn't close his eyes, he soon became frustrated that his eyeballs were soon becoming less jelly and more ice. He soon jumped out, upon realizing that this was not a cryogenics pod. The ketchup fell from a shelf and took a comrade sandwich with it. He was in the refrigerator.

After three long years of doing nothing but sitting around and playing ping pong, the egg timer went off. Jeb finally returned to the cockpit with 4 other kerbals as he removed the brick and threw it at Bill Kerman. Throttling down, Jeb spun the navball with his tiny little hand toward the retrograde marker and flicked the throttle back up, at full speed this time. The navigation computer identified their blue circle slowly becoming smaller around a Kerbin-like planet. The pilot tensed up. He had burned retrograde for too long before realizing he had long passed apoapsis and was halfway to the periapsis. Quickly flicking his eyes toward the altimeter, the computer quickly stated that they were 65km above sea level and dropping.

Their orbit was too eccentric and the periapsis stood mockingly within the thinnest layer of atmosphere. Their approach to lowest point of orbit was in t-32 seconds. They were going to aerobrake. Fast.

The massive ship's hull stood up to the re-entry heat wonderfully, the vaguely rectangular prism shaped starship surrounded in a brilliant flame. The knife of a vessel stabbed its way through the atmosphere as the ship sunk into the gravity well. The trained pilot was losing his grip and his confidence. He tilted the ship upwards from the planet with the reactions wheels, doing next to nothing against the harsh air and damaging a softer part of hull. Jeb hopped up from the captain's chair and ordered Rodfrod to keep his hand steady on the navball.

Jebediah Kerman ran faster than his little legs probably should let him as he slammed against the other side of the command pod. He grabbed a hammer and smashed a weak panel of glass and punched the button labeled

! ABORT !

Rainbow Dash sat happily napping in a cloud overlooking the entirety of Ponyville, content knowing that she was the fastest thing in Equestria. She dreamed of the Wonderbolts, Daring Do, and her all eating hay fries after a show. They all danced and then flew over the crystal kingdom. Princess Celestia laughed and complimented Rainbow's awesome flying skills and great tricks. Twilight and Fluttershy brought an ursa minor home and dressed him up as a hoofball cheerleader.

Things make a lot more sense when you're dreaming, alright? Don't act like this is the weirdest dream that somepony can come up with.

Convinced that she should remind everypony of her title as fastest object in Equestria, she arose from her nap and stood happily on the cloud as she stretched and straightened her back with her rudimentary mattress. Without any warning at all, she took off from the cloud at breakneck speed.

The howling of winds rippled around her as her magical aura sharped an an air cone around her to protect from the deadly wind resistance. She neared the edge of the troposphere and slowed to a hover. She got a nice, hard look at the massive landscape that lay before her. The rolling green hills and snow capped mountains dotted the landscape, painted with a brush of village as the colors of the straw rooftops clashed perfectly with the near neon green grass. The entire scene stood unblemished.

For only a few seconds. A screeching wail rang through the air as some sort of white and gray rock blew off its wings with a thunderous volley of explosions. Much of flat white and gray plates still stood in their places, but many others were headed further and further away from the strange object. Dozens of massive black circles screamed with blue lines forming a radius around a central point in each of them.

And then it did the unexpected. An ear deafening roar shot across the thinning air. The creature belched flames and shot forward, nearly causing Rainbow to fall. The craft sonic rainboomed 3 times, as a mocking laugh to Rainbow Dash; a challenge, even. She would not lose this race.