The Student and the Master
The sound of the filly's wails echoed off the gold plated walls of the stairway, carried an octave higher by the size of the cavernous room. The sound of little hooves, desperately trying to ascend the mighty steps, mixed with the mournful, pitiful cries of a child who shed shimmering tears of despair, despair drawn deep from the recesses of a broken heart. It was more than just crying, it was a plea to be heard, a desperate cry for help and comfort. It was a desperate call for someone to come and love them.
But the figure that ascended the staircase ahead of her paid no mind to the pained wailing. Their attention was focused on the room ahead of them, blocked by a set of doors set with precious stones and a mural in the shape of a glowing sun. Their hoofsteps echoed even more loudly, threatening to drown out the little filly that followed her with their thunder. It was only when the filly spoke up in a pained voice that the figure turned to pay her any heed.
"Please, Princess Celestia! Please don't go!" She gazed through amethyst-colored eyes that became as hard as diamond - and as cold as the arctic ice - when she heard the filly's plea.
"I thought that I had dismissed you," Celestia hissed. The filly, a little purple unicorn, looked up at her with eyes that were red and cheeks that were stained with tears. To anyone else that looked at such a state, it would have driven them to provide some kind of comfort to the broken filly they saw. But Celestia was not in the comforting mood. "Go, before I throw you out!" She shouted. The filly winced.
"But I promise I'll try harder!" The filly wailed. "I'll be the best student you ever had." Celestia gritted her teeth.
"You already promised me that a dozen times, Twilight Sparkle," She snarled. "Every single day since I took you on as my protege, you promised me that you would succeed, and excel. But what have you proven so far? You can barely control your magic, and you have no focus! No matter what I do, I can't seem to instill any discipline in you! So far, you have been nothing but a disappointment!"
"But I'm trying to learn!" Twilight pleaded. Celestia's gaze hardened even further.
"You lie! If you were truly trying your best, you would have succeeded by now! You have so much potential, but you waste every single minute of it on pointless studies, on obscure things that will not serve you one bit! I've done everything I can think of; I drill you day and night, I try to motivate you. I even made it so your family cannot distract you, but what good has it done? Nothing!" She stomped her hoof, causing the filly to whimper. "I am about done, Twilight. You have failed me so often, and I am running out of patience. If you don't shape up soon, if you don't learn to control your power, so help me, you'll regret it!" The filly cried even harder, but Celestia was unmoved. "Now, begone! I don't want to see you again until tomorrow." The filly whimpered.
"Princess... I just want you to be proud of me." Her voice, though hoarse from crying, still carried in it the pain of a broken heart, of a broken soul crying out for love and warmth. She would not be receiving any tonight.
"To feel pride, someone must first love you," Celestia replied, her voice as cold as a northern wind. "And so far, you have given no one any reason to." She stomped off, leaving the broken filly to cry and try to ascend the stairs after her, begging for her to stay. But the stairs were too much an obstacle for the tiny filly, just like Celestia herself was.
As the door to room beyond opened and then slammed shut, all the little filly could do was crumple into an exhausted, broken heap, cold and alone and crying out in mourning for love that she would never, ever feel.
***
"No!
In the darkness of her chambers, a single eye shot open, the pupil and iris as contracted as it was seemingly possibly for an eye to do so. She began to hyperventilate, her single opened eye shooting around in the darkness as though terrified that something was going to appear from the shadows and assault her. Throwing her bedcovers aside, she sat bolt upright, her coat matted and drenched with sweat and her heart seemingly working in overtime. She blinked to try to force her eyes to adjust to the darkness, but it was in vain, forcing her to reach over and gingerly flip the switch on the lamp that sat beside her. She silently thanked herself for acquiring an electric lamp, for trying to light her customary candle would no doubt have resulting in a fire due to the shaking of her hoof.
The light that flooded her chamber caused a shooting pain to send her reeling, her foreleg shooting over her eyes to shield them from the offending rays. When she finally allowed her eyes to adjust, she saw the familiar opulence of her chambers. Her writing desk neat and pristine, the door to her balcony left slghtly open to allow in the fresh and cool breeze (her guards would never let her hear the end of that one if they found out). Her faithful pet slept on her perch in on corner of the room, it's brilliant red and fire orange plumage puffed up slightly to provide a comfortable place to place her head.
Princess Celestia felt her eyes begin to sting as the memories of her dream began to assert themselves; her faithful student's tears of heartbreak, and her own coldness as she recalled the brutal "teaching" methods she had used on her. She felt a wave of nausea roll through her stomach at the mere thought of it. Trying desperately to suppress the sobs that threatened to roll through her entire body like an earthquake tremor, she crept out of her bed toward her bathroom and turned on the sink, allowing warm water to be drawn and splashing her face with it. She looked at herself in the mirror. The face that looked back seemed to be that of a filly, something that her mother might seen when she saw her daughter having snuck into her room after a nightmare. Despite the warm water, fresh tears threatened to undo it's work as they formed in her eyes.
But it was just a dream, right? Surely her student hadn't really felt that way. Just look at her! She was a grown mare now, who had saved her country twice in a row, from threats that would make most Equestrians melt into puddles of fear; three times, if you count her efforts to counter the changeling attack at the royal wedding. And in between then, she had made friends, solved countless problems, and even found love. And besides, she had never used such horrid methods! She would have had herself arrested if she had even contemplated such horrors. Everything was fine, right?
But then she recalled other things. She remembered how her student had refused to even consider making friends before sending her to Ponyville, placing her studies first. She remembered how when she had forgotten to send her a regular friendship report, she became neurotic to the point of nearly driving the town into chaos with her want-it-need-it spell simply because she had feared that her teacher would severely punish her. Come to think of it, she felt she would do the same thing to her friend when she had innocently taken Philomena to try to mend the sick phoenix. She also remembered how she was obsessive-compulsive to the point that she would often drive her other instructors crazy with her critiques of their organizational methods.
And none of that was really noticeable until after Celestia had begun to instruct her personally.
She clutched a hoof to her chest. Could it be true? Sure, she had been strict when she had to be, but had she... had her own teaching methods harmed her student? Twilight Sparkle was one of the ponies that Celestia had become especially close to, something rare for the long-lived pegacorn, to the point that she had become something of a surrogate little sister, or even a niece. That was how she truly felt, and yet, could she had nearly destroyed someone she cared so much about because she simply by trying to educate her?
The very though made her feel as though a sword had pierced her heart. She clutched her hoof to her chest even harder, to the point it threatened to cause a painful bruise, and the sobs that had been suppressed threatened to burst forth again, even harder this time. She didn't want it to be true, she prayed it wasn't true... but the more she thought, the more it appeared to make sense, and the more she felt like the monster that had formed in her mind.
"No, no please no." She moaned.
***
The night air in Canterlot was chilly as a soft breeze began to blow through the city. What few ponies were out and about at this late hour bundled themselves into scarves, pullovers and other warm clothing to shield themselves from the chill as they trotted about their business. It was late autumn, Celestia's favorite season. She had, for as long as she could remember, loved the colors the leaves turned and the scent of them as they were piled up and cleared from the ground after falling down in preparation for the coming of winter. She loved the scent of cinnamon that emanated from the bakeries and restaurants of Canterlot as ponies baked special treats in honor of the season.
But tonight brought her no comfort in any of these facts, not even as she passed a bakery and caught just a hint of cinnamon and sugar form the previous days baking. Nothing brought her any comfort. Even the warm cloak she wore over her lithe frame failed to provide any protection from the chill that froze her to the bone. It wasn't just the air, but the sense of depression and despair that threatened to overwhelm her yet again. She again recalled the events of her dream, and felt hot tears pour from her eyes. None of the other ponies took notice of this, or even of the fact one of their sovereigns was there. Normally she would have been pleased with a break from the never ending bows of respect and deference, but tonight she felt nothing of the sort. Her heart felt like it had been torn in two. The very idea that she had harmed her student in such a way, the fear of it was eating her alive. She tried desperately to tell herself that it was just a dream, that she was not at fault for such things, that her student was fine. Nothing comforted her, nothing soothed the ache in her heart. All that she felt was a smothering sadness, such that it felt as though she would be suffocated by it.
Her walk failing to help her in the slightest, she took to wing, registering nothing from the ponies below, to whom it seemed as though a pegasus had taken off to get back to their warm house that much quicker. Celestia flew high above the city, taking in the alabaster towers, the golden highlights, the beauty of the great capital of the realm. She sighed.
"Oh, am I even fit to sit on the throne? First my sister, now my faithful student, who am I going to hurt next?" She sniffed and wiped her eyes with her hoof. She thought about Twilight, about her beloved sister Luna... how her ignorance of her sister's suffering brought her to the wretched state which allowed evil to take over. She thought about Twilight, and how she had shut herself in and refused to even consider a friendship. "It's all my fault. I did this to you. I broke you, Twilight, even though I didn't mean to. I destroyed you while trying to build you up. I..."
Celestia's eyes were always sharp. Not even a millennium had dimmed them. From her altitude she could make something out in the distance. A tiny window light shining from the outline of the fabled University of Canterlot. Not just a place of education, but also the center of scientific thought and research in all of Equestria. Separate from the rest of the city, the sprawling campus housed nearly twenty thousand students, almost all of whom were asleep now, most likely after having crammed for their mid-term exams that would begin the next morning. She also knew who else was there, having been brought in to assist with a special project.
Like a moth to a candle flame, she felt herself being drawn toward that tiny light. Her mind kept screaming at her to turn back to the palace before she did something that would damage the poor dear any further, but her body refused to obey as she continued to fly toward the window, driven by something she could not define.
When she got there, she couldn't say she was surprised at what she found when she looked through the window. She saw the familiar purple unicorn cozied up under a blanket with a fire blazing in the fireplace of the study she was currently sitting in, a cup of tea or coffee sitting next to her as she poured over numerous books and papers, as though searching for hidden knowledge in ancient tomes. Celestia couldn't make out what they said, and a sense of curiosity began to well up in her. She cursed herself and quickly suppressed that. It wasn't any of her business, nothing her student did was her business. Not now, not ever.
But it was as though some unseen force pulled her over to the balcony of the study, where an oak double door stood as an entranceway to the room beyond. Hoping her student hadn't seen her at the window, she silently landed on the balcony and with a deep breath of both anticipation and dread, she rapped on the door. She heard a shuffling sound as papers were quickly organized.
"Who could that be?" She could make out from behind the door as she waited, shivering, for Twilight to answer. When she did, Twilight was rubbing her eyes, as though tired from the exertion of her research.
"I'm sorry if I sound rude, but could you maybe come back tomorrow?" She asked. "I'm in the middle of some very important... Princess Celestia!" She suddenly gasped when she finally caught sight of the Princess standing there. "Oh dear, I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was you." She apologized. Celestia sighed.
"There's no need to apologize, Twilight," She explained. "I'm sorry if I frightened you." Twilight cocked her head in confusion.
"Frightened? Oh no, you just surprised me, that's all. Why don't you come in? It's rather cold tonight." She smiled, hopeful that she would take her up on her offer. Celestia, at that moment, wanted nothing more than to politely excuse herself and fly back to the palace where she couldn't hurt Twilight anymore, but that something inside her continued to compel her, and she simply nodded and stepped inside. The warmth of the study washed over her like a blanket. Twilight happily trotted over and began making a second cup of whatever she was drinking.
"I hope you like hot apple cider," She said, pouring a cup and placing a cinnamon stick in it for flavor. "Applejack sent me the recipe last week, and I fear I've developed a weakness for it. Spiced cider is soooooo good." Again, Celestia merely nodded and accepted the cup, taking a sip. Twilight was certainly right about this.
"Thank you, Twilight, it is delicious." She gingerly sipped again, allowing the taste of apples, cinnamon and other spices to fill her mouth, tingling her palate. Twilight smiled at her mentor's approval. Normally Celestia would have returned the smile, but tonight the expression only caused her heart to break even further.
She's desperate for my approval, I can tell. She said in her mind. Oh, what have I done? "If you don't mind me asking, what are you working on?" She pointed a hoof at the papers and books cluttering her desk. Twilight's eyes lit up and she gathered some in her magic and began opening them.
"I was hoping you'd ask!" Twilight said with excitement. Celestia's attention was diverted to a paper marked with the seal of the Equestrian Space Agency, one of Luna's projects. "The space agency asked for my help in developing a new spacecraft, can you believe it? And I had the most brilliant idea!" For a brief moment, curiosity overrode Celestia's heartache.
"What would that be?" She inquired. Twilight pointed out a paper, that to no surprise, she had written.
"It's actually a spell, no surprise," Twilight said with a giggle. "For the last several months, I've been working on a modification of the teleportation spell to bend the fabric of space itself. If my calculations are correct, this spell will have the ability to... Princess?" She wasn't sure what it was. It could have been a glaze over her eyes, it could have been a minor reaction to her speech, but she was sure she had somehow made it clear to Twilight that she wasn't really paying attention. "Are you listening?"
Celestia was hoping that Twilight would not notice. She did not want to cause her anymore suffering than she already had. But it was too late now, and she couldn't lie to her faithful student. She sighed. She had done enough to her already.
"I... it's been a rough night." She answered. Yes that fits, I only hope that Twilight doesn't inquire further. That hope would soon be dashed as Twilight's expression fell. I must wear my heart on my fetlock, she thought with a sigh.
"Princess, is something bothering you?" Twilight asked, her face betraying her concern. Celestia tried to will herself to come up with something anything to say that would end this line of conversation, but the only thing that came to her mind was the one thing she didn't want to say, but still couldn't stop herself from saying.
"Twilight... do you remember when you were in school? At my school, as my personal student?" She asked. Twilight was confused, but she nodded.
"Of course, how could I forget?" She said. "It isn't easy to forget some of the best times of your life... but why do you ask? You sound like you..." She stopped she noticed the glistening around Celestia's eyes. It made her heart skip a beat to see her beloved mentor in such obvious distress. But what came next completely floored her.
"Twilight, I'm sorry." Celestia said, her voice beginning to crack.
"Sorry for what?" Twilight asked, wondering what she was getting at. Celestia could be heard sniffling.
"For destroying you" Twilight's jaw just about dropped when she heard this. Destroying her? What on Equus could she have been talking about?
"Princess, what do you mean?" She asked, shocked that her mentor would say such a thing. It took every ounce of her energy for Celestia to not completely break down right then and there.
"Don't you remember? How harsh I was with you? How isolated you were under m tutelage?" She asked. Twilight was surprised at how sincere she sounded. Did she really believe this?
"Princess, I don't understand, what's making you think this?' She asked, then she got a scowl on her face. "Were you watching Hoofra Whinnyfrey when she had that pop psychologist on to talk about foal developement? I'll have you know that I've studied enough psychology to know that his theories are complete bunk." Celestia waved a hoof to stop her from going into a rant.
"No, it's not that, it's..." She hesitated for a moment, but when Twilight probed her, spilled the beans about her nightmare. Needless to say, Twilight was shocked.
"Princess, you never did anything like that to me! You wouldn't! I should know, I was there!"
"But Twilight, what else explains everything about you?" Celestia sighed. "The whole time you were in school, you never made a single friend. You never even really know what it was to be a friend until you left for Ponyville. I did that. I pushed you too hard. I put it in your head that learning was more important than friendship. Even today, you still have problems socially, and you panic at the very idea that I might be disappointed in you, like that incident that led you to use the want-it-need-it spell." Her voice cracked again, and this time she couldn't stop herself as her body began to quake with barely suppressed sobs.
Twilight was thunderstruck. Sure, she had seen Celestia worried or frightened before, but she had never seen her so thoroughly broken before. She really thought she had harmed Twilight. But Twilight had nothing but positive things to say about her time as Celestia's pupil. She wanted to tell her that it was just a dream, that it meant nothing. But then she stopped herself. It wouldn't work, not in this case. Celestia didn't need reassurances that it was just a bad dream, she needed to know something else. And Twilight, thinking about it, knew just what to say.
"Princess, none of those things were your fault." Twilight said, smiling warmly at her. Celestia looked at her with tear-filled eyes.
"How can you say that?" She asked. Twilight came over and put a hoof on her shoulder.
"Neurotically worried? That didn't start with you. I was like that for the longest time," She explained. "Just ask my parents. When I was younger even something as accidentally dropping my juice could cause me to start panicking. My mother and father would have to constantly reassure me they weren't angry and that it was just an accident. I've been getting better at it, but it still affects me sometimes. It's always been there, and it was not your fault."
"But what about you not having friends?" Celestia asked.
"That? That was my fault. I was the one who put studying and reading before making friends. Being bullied for it in school didn't help, either. Remember that? Remember that one filly? You had to personally expel her in order to get it to stop. It's little wonder I never made any friends, I never thought it was worth it when I had things to learn instead." Twilight smiled. "Though I did have one friend. You have heard of him, he used to be your Captain of the Guard and was so handsome even changelings wanted him." Celestia couldn't help but giggle at that.
"Oh yes, how could I forget? Captain Shining Armor, the one my dear niece was always asking about," She said between chortles. "The one I once heard singing about in the shower, badly butchering the words to her favorite pop song." She did an impression of it, which caused them both to fall into a laughing fit. It was a great feeling, and it made Celestia feel so much better after such a rough night
"But seriously, you have nothing to blame yourself over," Twilight reassuringly said. "Sure, you were strict at times, but you had good reason to be. You saw the potential I had, you knew I could be something great. You wanted me to be the best I could be and asked for no less. If I were in your place, I would have been no different. And I read the prophecy that talked about the one who would free your sister, and saw the drawing the seer made for you so long ago, the one with my cutie mark in it. I was meant for something great and you wanted me to be ready for it. Really, I should be thanking you." Celestia was a bit surprised to be hearing all this.
"Thanking me?' She asked.
"Of course! If you hadn't spent so long teaching me about the Elements of Harmony and what they represented, I would never have recognized them in my friends. If that hadn't happened, I probably would have never realized they were my friends to begin with. So really, far from stopping me from making any friends, you helped me make them, and realize how wonderful it is to have them. And now look at me. I've saved this country more times than I can count and I've learned so many things just from having my friends. And I have you to thank for that. My friends, my family and you have all helped me become the mare I am today, and I can never repay you enough for that." Twilight finished her little speech by giving her beloved mentor a warm hug and friendly nuzzle. Celestia wracked her brain for anything to say in response, anything at all. But, she realized that Twilight was completely right. Sure, she had her moments, but were they really that bad? The pain that had been gripping her heart trickled away, leaving only the warmth of pride and love left.
Yes, all things considered, Twilight was going to be just fine.
"Thank you, Twilight," She said. "I suppose I just needed to hear it from you." Twilight smiled, and then cleared her throat.
"Dear Princess Celestia," She began. "Whenever you have responsibility for someone, whether it's a subordinate, or a student or a loved one, it's easy to worry about whether or not your helping or hurting them. It's easy to think we may not be doing the right thing, since no pony comes with an instruction manual. Sometimes this worry can honestly hurt us, but with a little help from our friends we trust, we can in fact realize that we are doing the right thing. Your Faithful Student, Twilight Sparkle." She smiled back up at her. "Should I write that down?" She asked. Celestia shook her head.
"I'm pretty sure I can remember that one," She replied. "Thank you." She smiled, looking at the papers. "Now, you were about to tell me about this spell you've been working on?" Twilight squeaked in joy and began to pour over the details, while her beloved teacher listened to her, a smile of pride on her face.
Just like old times.
Author's Note
This was written in response to a piece of artwork depicting Celestia as cold and cruel toward our favorite purple genius. That's not the Celestia us bronies know and love. So I decided to write this up as a way of putting the princess back into character. I hope you enjoy.
