113 Extremely Short, Incredibly Horrible, & Shamelessly Bizarre Slashfics, Plus 1 That's Just Plain Insane, Not to Mention a Character Uprising, a Bomb Threat, a Few Optional Stable Time Loops, a Foalnapping, & Additionally Saving the World

by Super Trampoline

Rating: teen
Tags: Anthology, Main 6, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Romance, Mr. Cake, Sex, Flash Sentry, Random
Length: 23501

Ever wonder just how odd of pairings I and others can come up with and expound in 100 words each? Wonder no more!

(dis)Like what you read? Tell me why! ~Super

Ever wonder just how odd of pairings I and others can come up with and expound in 100 words each? Wonder no more! :trollestia:

SUGGEST A PAIRING IN THE COMMENTS AND I WILL SOMETIMES WRITE IT!
Or write your own 100 word ship and I'll throw it in here.
(If you do, note that FimFiction counts "quotation marks" as words, so use double 'apostrophes' instead.)

Rated T for Terrabad.

Spin-Offs:
Has a Doctor Whooves/Fleur Lis Dee spin-off I haven't written yet.
Has a Sweetie Belle/Flash Sentry spin-off that's in the planning stages.
Daring Documents is a spiritual successor of sorts.
Taco Tuesday: Sexual Therapist
Twilight Sparkle and the Nothingness at the End of the Universe

List of Guest Authors!

A hearty thank you to my Patreon patrons Singularity Dream, ocalhoun, and Littlecolt!

Published 2013-10-18 04:50:03 UTC
Last updated 2024-06-17 03:58:06 UTC

Rainbow Dash/The FimFiction Logo

Dash loved being the star of the show; that was a large part of why she wanted to join the Wonderbolts after all. So naturally she enjoyed being in the banner at http://www.fimfiction.net/. But she was jealous. She was only in one of the banners, while the FimFiction Logo was in all of them. So she came up with an evil plan: she would seduce the logo, then murder it while it slept. Since according to the My Little Pony fandom she can bang anything that moves (or doesn't), the plan went off without a hitch.

Mr. Mustachio/Raritail

''Oh, well hello there darling. You look absolutely fabulous!''

Raritail blushed. ''Why thank you Mr. Mustachio. I must say the same for you. Your amber complexion looks simply luxurious when paired with Steven Magnet's royal purple nostrils.''

''Of course, I know! But YOU are the true beauty here!'' the mustache crooned. ''Your mother must have been a most exquisite mare, to have had such a fine tail as you! Raritail my love: will you marry me?''

''Mr. Mustachio! Would I? YES!''

Raritail fell upon her fainting couch in ecstasy.

Rarity smiled ''And eleven months later, you were born, Sweetie!''

Granny Smith/Snips

Snips was bumbling around spouting garbage about how magnificent The Great and Power Trixie was, when Granny Smith overheard him on her ear horn. ''What's this youth blabbering about? Trixie? Why that washed up old coon, she hasn't been great or powerful in 271 years! I swear, kids these days!''

She hobbled over to Snips. ''Sonny, you may think you know obsession and infatuation, and how to be a throwaway gag character, but you don't know not nuttin'! You ain't seen a real mare. I'll show you a REAL mare!''

Snips gulped. ''Uh oh,'' he squeaked.

Gummy/Opalescence

"Meow meow meow! Meow meow meow, meow meow meow. Meow?"

"... ...."

"Meow meow?"

"... ... ... ... ... ...., ... ... ... ...."

"Meow! Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow.  Meow meow meow meow meow meow."

"..., ... ... ...!"

"Meow."

...several weeks later...

"Meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow--meow meow meow meow meow meow--meow meow meow meow. Meow meow meow meow 'Meow meow meow'. Meow meow meow!"

"...? ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...?!?!?"

"Meow. Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow MEOW; meow meow meow meow meow."

"... ... .... :heart:"

Little Strongheart/Sunset Shimmer

A bunch of moons later, Sunset Shimmer was back in Equestria. She had given up on the whole ''Take Over Equestria'' plan. It was highly flawed anyway. Unfortunately, thanks to a plot device, the magic mirror dumped her out in the middle of the desert.

There to greet her was a scrawny brown buffalo mare. ''Hi! I'm Little Strongheart! The author is too lazy to watch 'Over a Barrel' again, so I have no clue how I should talk!''

Sunset sighed. ''Kid, at least you didn't date Flash Sentry.''

''True. Wanna get a drink or something?''

''Yeah, sure.''

Crackle/Photo Finish

"Yes, Yes! Oh Yes! Ze Magiks! OH MY GODDESS!"

Photo Finish had been scouring the lands for a brutal location for a photoshoot. She wanted a natural harshness that would accent her subjects' natural beauty. What she found instead was the great dragon migration.

But she was undeterred by the hundreds of fire-breathing beasts which surrounded her. She had found her next model. A smashing gem encrusted wyvern with beautiful green emerald scales. Finish was elated. Finally, someone who shared her sense for glamour. She would make her a star. She would make her... a picture perfect dragon.

Blueblood/Braeburn

"Do WHAT with my rear end?!?!" Blueblood sputtered. Who did this hick think he was, catcalling to royalty?

"You heard me babe," Braeburn said as he wiggled his eyebrows. "You've got a sexy plot. Show me some shake of that groove thing."

Blueblood "Hmmph"ed and held his muzzle high as he trotted away from the uncouth, unrefined, and very drunk sheriff. He absolutely hated functions where commoners were present. Such ill-mannered vermin.

Did that snobby unicorn really just ignore my advances? He did!

"Yeah? Well screw you too!"

Twilight Sparkle/Twilicorn

When the dust cleared, the mare standing in front of Twilight Sparkle was revealed to be... Twilight Sparkle --with wings.

"What? Again? This happened last week! I suppose you're scientifically possible. But wings? THAT's pushing it."

"Jeez. I was such a dork last month. Yes, I'm from the future; no there's no robot apocalypse; I just forgot my safe combo.

"Oh, ok it's... actually first there's something I've always wanted to try."

"Grrrr, stupid time paradoxes. I remember this. Fine, I'll make out with you."

Discord/Celestia

"I don't get it honey," Discord stated between bites of his fried chaos. "Everypony who's anypony ships us. It's so passé. So why would this horrible writer do it too?"

Celestia smiled. "Oh Cordy, don't you see the delicious irony in that? What do you call yourself again, the God of... Shibu Inas?"

"Heh, no I'm the God of Chaos. I love disorder and unpredictability."

"And what could be more shamelessly bizarre than putting YOU of all creatures in a predictable relationship?"

"Touché."

Doctor Whooves/Fleur Dis Lee

''So, you're saying you're a time traveling doctor who likes to hang out with 'British' hyu-mans, but for some reason got stuck here in Equestria? That's quite a tale you've got there, Mr. Turner. Most ponies wouldn't be disposed towards sharing such a fantastic story so freely, especially not on a first date.''

''Well, after my future wife killed herself by hand--I mean hoofcuffing me to an exploding supercomputer, I decided to drop the whole 'dark, mysterious, and aloof' shtick.''

''And now you're dating a Canterlot supermodel? You're moving up in the world.''

Cheerilee/Crystal Pony

''I was a baaaad pony today Stone Luck. I yelled at my students. I shouldn't have done that! I need to be punished. Whip me Lucky. Make me scream in pain!''

Stone Luck however, was cowering in a corner on the opposite side of the bed room, wimpering incoherently.

''Awwww, what's wrong?'' Cheerilee asked. ''I thought you wanted to try some roleplaying?''

''I di-di-did. Bu-but King Sss-Saw-Sombra actually did whip me and''--shutter--''make me scream in pain. Do you h-have any less tramatic fetishes we could tr-tr-try?''

''Well, my ass does need cleaning.''

''Cherilee, love?

''Yes?''

''Ewww.''

The Author/Cloud Kicker

''So let me get this straight,'' Cloud Kicker asked Super Trampoline. ''You're telling me you don't want to have kinky sex with a hot pegasus mare?''

''Uhhhhh, while I am flattered, I guess that's just not my style.'' The bat pony made a mental note to scold Pinkie for setting up this lunch date in the first place. This chick wanted to bang everything with four legs and a pulse. Possibly without a pulse too, if she was into that.

''Well, ok. Thanks for lunch I guess. You have my address!''

She walked off. ''Blossomforth, your turn!''

Special Guests: Warden/Kuno

"Kuno, do you ever wonder what might have happened if our fates were switched?"

"What do you mean?" his wife asked as she checked Swarm's math homework.

"I mean, what if I had fallen from the sky into your nest? Would you have turned me in or killed me?"

"Warden, I'm a changeling. We both know what unfortunately would have happened. You would be rotting in a cocoon now. But you on the other hoof, you handled me with poise. Your vigilance captured my body, but your kindness captured my heart.

Rainbow Dash/The Author's Cuisinart SmartPower Duet Blender/Food Processor

"Rainbow Dash! What on Equiis are your doing with my blender? It looks like you are trying to make out with it or something!" This was why I didn't let her drink my cider.

"I want to make sweeth sweet loooooove to itth, Super. DOn't" *HIC!* "choo too?" She was drunk.

"No I don't" I said. "Now why don't you just step away and... NO! DON'T TURN IT ON!"

She ignored me.

"OOOOWWWWWWWWTTTTHHHH!!! MATH TONGUETH! YOU SLITHED MAH TONGUETH OPENTH! THUCK THYOU BTHLENDER!"

Vinyl Scratch/Octavia Melody/Pinkie Pie

Celestia produced a small rune-covered metallic cylinder and fitted it over the shackled Chrysalis's jagged horn.

"With what nefarious device are you humilating me now?" the captive asked drolly, rattling her enchanted chains.

"Oh, I know what that is!" Pinkie exclaimed. "It's a magic defuser. It's like a chastity belt but for your horn instead of your naughty bits!"

Seven ponies and a changeling queen stared at her with a look of hesitant quizzicallity. Applejack stepped up and took one for the team.

"Sugar cube, Ah'm probably going to regret asking this, but how and why do you know this?"

Pinkie giggled. "Silly 'Jackie! That's practically the same question twice!"

Twilight was about to interject with an impromptu lecture on the difference between the two interrogative adverbs, but wisely held her tongue and instead made a note to include an article on the subject in her next grammar newsletter.

So Pinkie took a big breath, then continued: "Buuuuuuut to answer your question, this one time I threw a private party for Vinyl and Octavia to congratulate them on their three and a half year anniversary --a super-duper special invitation-only one just for them, and well, they kind of had a lot of punch and started making out in my loft and I was like 'Ohmygosh you two are so so so great for each other but wouldn't you rather continue your activities in the privacy of your home?' and then Vinyl was like 'Duuuuude' and I was like 'Duuuude?' and Vinyl was like 'Duuuuuuuude!' and then Tavi was like 'Duuuuuude, you [HIC!] keep shaying "Duuuuude," dude' and then this went of for a reeeeaaallly long time like twenty seconds at least and I think the-- HUUAUGHHH! --brownies they brought over were special or something which would explain why I ate so much but then again I always eat a lot so maybe we were just really drunk so anyway eventually Vinyl is like 'Duuuuuude! Afshter Parthty at my place. Yeeeaah! Threesome witth [BRAP!] Pinkie Pie! Yeeaah!' and I was like 'Shweet Shelestia I LOVE after partieses!' and I don't know why I remember this I guess maybe I just have an extra-y high alcohol tolerance or something so them we all stumbled over to-- HUUAUGHHH! --Vinyl's loft which is like mine except it isn't above a bakery which is suuuuuper lame at least for me but I guess she probably doesn't care so anyway the two are staring at me with bedroom eyes but oh yeah I forgot to mention that first before that Tavi put this super chill chill-out record on which kinda surprised me but apparently is their favorite love making music not dubstep well sometimes dubstep but not tonight well I mean not tonight tonight cause it isn't even nighttime right now so that would be a really silly and inaccurate thing to say but on the other hoof-- HUUAUGHHH! --a perfectly reasonable thing to say in the chronological framework of a narrative where the action currently being described is happening at night except then wouldn't one say 'that night' since it is past tense except I don't know I guess verb tenses get all wibbly-wobbly grammary-wammery sometimes but that really isn't important because what really is important within the context of the question you asked me is that that that that device we are speaking of does--that is to say the effects the magic defuser--are familiar to me is due to the fact that shortly thereafter I found myself tied spread-eagle to their bed with a bit in my mouth and hot wax dripping all over me (which by the way feels very nice in a roundabout way) and well to make a VERY long (though not as long Big McIntosh if you know what I -- HUUAUGHHH! -- mean, with apologies to Applejack because I just inadvertently revealed I've bucked his tree, again if you what I mean, which I can't help (well I can help, but that phrase 'can't help but' doesn't really make much sense if you try to break it down) but imagine you do, seeing how it is a very obvious metaphor for coitus, and as I was saying, it's VERY long and thick and sturdy and hard and many other adjectives and I better hurry up and finish this sentence or I'll need to take another breath) and kinky story short(er) apparently Octavia is the dominant partner in their relationship."

.

.

.

.

.

"Awkward," said Chrysalis.

Zecora/Bloomberg

There is a lovely tree I know

Whose branches hang so sweet and low,

Whose apples are so crisp and tasty:

I savor them, am never hasty.

He tells me no pony but I

Can be the apple of his eye,

For he is mine, and mine alone,

No matter what AJ intones.

I love to climb upon his trunk

And pick some thick bough as my bunk.

I'll lie within his crown all day;

I'm rocked to sleep when branches sway.

And sometimes when I feel like rutting

I'll find a limb that is out jutting.

Double Feature: Flim/Aloe and Flam/Lotus Blossom

"Hey Flim?" said Flam.

"Ahhhhhh, yeah that feels good... Yeah broski?"

"We done goofed."

"Yeah, we goofed."

"Hey Aloe?" said Flim.

"Yes Mr. Skim?"

"Your massaging skills are amazing. Please never stop."

"Hehe. Don't worry sir. I love doing what I do, and you still have 40 minutes left."

"Hey Lotus Blossom?" said Flam.

"Yes sir?" she tittered.

"Today's been a rough day. How much is a happy ending?"

"Twenty bits."

'Twas money well spent.

Twilight Sparkle/Twilicorn Round 2

"Maybe this isn't so bad after all," Twilicorn thought to herself. She would never admit it, but making out with yourself is pretty exciting.

Twilight Sparkle was really getting into it. This was her first kiss, and she was turned on. She pushed her future self onto the bed, and reached between Twilicorn's legs with her hoof.

POOMPH! "Oh my gosh, she's touching me, I mean I'm touching me, I mean... ughhh! How could something so confusing feel so good?" " Huaahhhhhhh I think I'm going to...!"

The spell short-circuited.

Special Guest Author defender2222: Hydra/Steven Magnet

The Hydra watched as the ponies that had invaded his bog (a ‘real fixer-upper’ as the real-estate agent had claimed) galloped away.

“Are they gone?” Steven Magnet asked, popping up from under the grimy water and kissing his serpentine lover on each check (all 8 of them).

“Yup.”

“Well, now that work is done I can tell you the wonderful news… the adoption went through!”

“It did?”

“Yes!” Steven said happily, holding out an orange filly. “Meet our baby… Scootaloo!”

~MC~MC~MC~

“And that is the secret origin of Scootaloo!” Chrysalis said.

Twilight stared at the changeling. “I hate you.”

Special Guest Author shortskirtsandexplosions: Rainbow Dash/Applejack

Breathless, Rainbow Dash brushed dirt from her face and smiled at her dear friend.

"I don't care what they all say," her voice cracked.  "The whole town's crazy!  You're no loser, Applejack!  Why should I leave you hanging?"

Applejack said nothing.  She slept peacefully in the shadows.

"Just chillax.  I'm going to make everything all better, okay?"  Rainbow Dash gave a devil-may-care grin.  "I won't leave your side ever again.  I promise."

With a sigh, she leaned into the coffin and nuzzled Applejack's cold, cold cheek.

Octavia Melody/Melody Pond

"River Song, this is amazing. This music... it's magical. There's no other way to describe it."

"No Octi, you're magical. You're the one who helped me remember that music makes us who we are. I will take you to the ends of the universe to hear it."

"I just... I wish my housemate Vinyl could hear it. I mean, yeah, she likes pretty um, noisy stuff, but she respects the standards."

"Even alien standards?"

"Even those."

"Come on, let's go get her then."

Big McIntosh/Limestone Pie

Pinkie Pie was celebrating her engagement to Prince Blueblood. At the party, Big Mac ran into Pinkie's sister Limestone. Soon, the two normally reserved ponies were going at it, talking more than either had in months.

"Bucking apples is foal's play!"

"Nope. But I could crush rocks in my sleep."

"Oh yeah? Prove it!"

So he did. Twilight hypnotized him, and he still smashed boulders to bits.

Limestone was impressed with his powerful physique, and he with her humility. They exchanged many letters, and eventually married.

Ponies called the couple Apple Pie.

Halloween Special: Vampire Scratch/Octavia MeLupine

"Taviiiiii. You ate the rest of the sandwich. How could you?"

I sighed. Not only was my roomate a vampire, but she was a lazy-ass as well. "Vinyl," I yelled from my spot on the couch, "make your own damn sandwich."

"Fine, fine. See if I care next time Bob Seger's band* shows up. Gawdess's sake Tavi. Stop being such a little bitch."

As you can see, we were not on the best of terms at the moment. You could even say there was some --snicker-- bad blood between us.

Halloween Special: Headless Horse/Luna

"'Tis a pleasant change of pace: trotting through our own dreams for once," thought Luna as she did just that. "But I do declare, is that not Larry the headless horse? "Larry!" she shouted. "What brings thee to our dreams? Oughtn't thou be terrorizing chickens or something?"

"Nay milady, for 'tis you I seek the presence of," he somehow said despite his lack of head. "I am enraptured by your alicorny awesomeness. Love me Luna!"

"We are flattered, but more so disturbed. Be gone oneiric fiend!"

Special Guest Author Overlord-Flinx: Luna/Elements of Harmony

The love between a male and female is sacred. The love between two of the same gender is taboo. But the love shared between a female and a rock is something special. Princess Luna was one such female. She coveted her beloved... Bathed with it... Slept with it... It was wrong, perhaps, but to her it felt so very right. She curled up against her love in her bed and laid a soft kiss against her love. However, Celestia was far from pleased when she entered.

"Luna, please give back the Elements of Harmony."

"Not happening..."

About 20% Longer Edition: Rainbow Dash/Twilight's Lava Lamp

''Hiya Dash! Thanks for using the door for once.''

''Hey Egghea... --Oh wow what's that?!?''

Twilight chuckled. ''That? That's a lava lamp, a transparent electric lamp containing viscous--''

''Nevermind. I already have one dictionary in my life Twi. That's plenty.''

''Oops, sorry,'' Twilight said sheepishly.

Still, Rainbow was fascinated. ''It's cool. Hey, can I borrow this?''

''Uh I guess. Just be careful. I heard about you and Super's blender.''

''Oh yeah? Heh, word really gets around, huh? Don't worry, I won't let you down.''

''It's cool, Dashie. I trust you.''

She shouldn't have. That night, Rainbow did terrible things to the lamp. It died suspiciously three days later, bulb burnt out.

Double Feature: Night Light/Twilight Velvet and Discord/Twilight Sparkle

''Okay okay, so picture this: Your mom: hooves on the bed, wiggling her ass in the air moaning 'Rut me Night Light, you sexy beast!' But your dad, the little bugger, does he? Nuh uh. The mare wants the D, and he's just all like--''

''EWWWWW!!! DISCORD! What the buck?!? I do NOT want to hear about my parents' sex life! Gross!''

''But Twi darling, it's important to know your roots.''

''I get that. But enlightening me right after our own love making? It's hella freaky dude!''

''I thought you liked freaky?''

''With you, not my PARENTS!''

Pinkie Pie/Pinkie Pie/Pinkie Pie/Pinkie Pie/Pinkie Pie/Pinkie Pie/Pinkie Pie/Pinkie Pie/Pinkie Pie/Pinkie Pie/Pinkie Pie/Pinkie Pie/Pinkie Pie/Pinkie Pie/Pinkie Pie/Pinkie Pie/Pinkie Pie/Pinkie Pie/Pinkie Pie/Pinkie Pie/Pinkie Pie/Pinkie Pie/Pinkie Pie/Pi

“Fun!”“Fun!”    “fUN!”        “fUn!”                                “fun!”        “FUN!”       “fuN!”          “Fun!”        “FUn!” “FUN!”                    “FuN!”    “fUn!”           “fUN!”                         “FUn!”   “fun!”                               “FUN!”                “fun!”  “fun!”                         “Fun!”                 “fUN!”        “FuN!”   “FUN!”     “FUn!”     “Fun!”           “fUn!”  “fUn!” “fUN!”“fUn!”       “fuN!”“fUN!”  “fun!”“FuN!”          “FUn!”“fuN!”        “FUN!”   “fun!”         “FuN!”      “fUn!”         “fuN!”         “FUN!”        “FUn!”   “FuN!” “fUn!”“FUn!” "Fun!"        “fun!”                                   “fun!” “fUn!”“FUN!” “FUN!”    “fUN!”     “fuN!”  “Fun!”                        “FuN!”                   “fUN!”    “fUn!”                “Fun!”     “fun!”“fUn!” “fuN!”        “FUn!”“fun!”   “FUN!”    “fUN!”         “fuN!”          “fUN!”         “fun!”     “FUN!”       “fUn!”           “FUn!”     “FuN!”         “Fun!”“fun!” “fUn!”“FUN!” “FuN!”“fun!”

“fuN!”  “fUN!”          “fUn!” “FUN!”      “fUN!”          “FUN!”     “FUn!”      “fun!” “FUN!”              “FuN!”      “Fun!”   “fuN!”        “Fun!” “FUn!”  “fun!”            “fUn!”   “FuN!”         “fun!”    “fUN!”       “fUn!”             “FUN!”

Apple Bloom/Black and Red Alicorn OC Donut Steel: Round 2

It had been a very long week. It was midterm season, plus Apple Bloom had two essays due. Who knew an Agricultural Science degree could be so difficult? She needed a drink, and she knew just where to get one.

When she hoped up onto the bar stool, she was surprised to see her old friend Donut Steel there.

"Steely?!? What are you doing as a bartender in Trottingham?"

"Oh hey Applebloom. Long time no see. Um, I'm hiding."

"Hiding?"

"Long story."

"Shoot, I got time."

"Well..."

Special Guest Author Forgoten Null: Sir Lintsalot/Madame le Flour

He wanted nothing more than to shout his love to the heavens, to whisk her away to confess his undying adulation. He dreamt of a day where he would propose to her after a long romantic walk on the beach, to speak their vows cliffside to the minister, to Celestia but most of all to each other. He just wanted to be with her and to have foal with her, to live with her and to die with her.

Sadly he knew this would never come to be, for they were just a sack of flour and ball of lint.

Special Guest Author Salivanth: Clyde Pie/Diamond Dog

''THE GEMSSS, PO-NY! GIVE THEM HERE!'' The Diamond Dog yelled.

Clyde raised an eyebrow. "What gems?"

''I AM NO FOOL, PO-NY! WE KNOW GEMSSS GROW IN THESE ROCKS!''

Clyde shook his head. ''Nope. Just rocks.''

The Dog screamed. ''THEN WHY FARM THEM?''

''Someone's gotta.'' Clyde shrugged.

''I AM NOT LEAVING HERE WITHOUT SSSOMETHING!'' the Dog shouted.

Clyde eyed the Dog's crotch. ''I've got an idea.''

''VERY WELL, PO-NY.''

Clyde approached the Dog, dwelling on his luck. He never thought he'd get to indulge his long-held fetish for real, but by Celestia, when opportunity knocks...

Diamond Tiara/Iron Will

''Iron Will's will will will ill will upon you!'' the people warned her. ''Don't off him for the money! You have plenty! His will curses those who abuse it!''

Diamond Tiara didn't listen. She had her (expired) husband right in front of her, killed by a deadly spider bite while eating his own lawn. Diamond, being the drama queen she is, had no troubles convincing the police, the insurance company, and the executor of the will that it was naught but a bizarre gardening accident. But she knew the truth. This was no accident:

This was murder.

Soap Opera Edition: Sapphire Shores/Peewee

He was a passionate cock, a fiery lover. She was an It girl. It was a gold mine for the tabloids. His nectar was sweet and spicy, his taste so succulent, but she paid a bitter price. He had swooped in, sweeping her off of her hooves, only to all too soon fly away clutching her heart. Now she was angry, and so she did what most scorned pop divas do: she wrote a song. He had ignited a spark within her chest that remained even after he was gone. And from that ember, with a husky roar, she soared.

Another Pilot: Sweetie Belle/Flash Sentry

''You?!? Silly guitar playing you? You're the greatest civil engineer the Crystal Empire has to offer? Bwahahahaha! Whacha gonna do, ask me to the Fall Formal dance? Oh stallion! Twilight, help me up, I'm dying over here!''

Flash sighed. ''Look Dr. Belle, I don't care what my past self from another dimension did, or why he was mercilessly flanderized by a stupid documentary about the whole brouhaha. I am an esteemed royal guard, briilliant military strategist, and professional engineer. Who do you think designed the Crystal empire's suburbs. Because King Sombra sure as Tartarus didn't.''

Pinkie Pie/Discord

''OH MY GOSH I LOVE THESE STORIES AND IT'S MY TURN FOR TO DO ONE AGAIN AND I GET TO TALK ALLLLL ABOUT HOW AWESOME A LAY DISCORD IS AND HOW HE'S LIKE THE BESTIFICEST DRACONEQUIS EVER EVEN THOUGH I ONLY KNOW ONE BUT THAT'S OKAY BECAUSE MMMPHH MMMMPHHHHHHHH!!!"

"Ughhh, Pinkie, how did you chew through that gag so quickly. I swear that-- Oh hi readers. Please excuse her. She gets really hyper during sex. In fact, not a good time, so uh, shoo. Yes, talking to you. Even lords of chaos need privacy."

Mack the Knife/Silver Spoon

''Oh MacHeath dear, I love you.''

"I love you too Silver Spoon. You and I make such great partners--''

''In crime!'' she tittered.

Mack the Knife and Silver Spoon: ''The Cutlery Criminals'' as newspapers across Equestria called them, were the most notorious serial killers to have struck the land in fifty seven years. Ten, twenty, thirty dead, they left a trail of bodies stretching from Seaddle to Baltimare. She was a victim of suburban malaise, turning to crime as a source of excitement. He was just bucking insane. Together, they were unstoppable.

Unstoppable, that is, until the return of...

Special Guest Author defender2222: Equestria/The Ocean

“My darling, what is it?” the ocean on its eastern border asked, reaching over to gently crease her sand-colored… uh…  sand.

“My love… please don’t hate me but… I have to be honest,” Equestria said nervously.

“What is it?” the ocean asked.

“I… I have ponies.”

The ocean instantly began to retreat as fast as possible.

“Please, don’t go! I bought the special comb and everything! I’ll be able to get rid of them!”

The ocean decided it would be a good time for a low tide.

“… you might want to get yourself tested!” Equestria called out.

Youtube Video

Special Guest Author defender2222: Average Persony/Their Significant Other

“Honey, what do you think of this?” your lover whispered, trotting into the bedroom wearing a sexy piece of underwear.

You, however, were too busy to notice, as your muzzle was pressed to a computer screen. “Oh Goddess, only a few more days till the next episode…”

“Are you seriously ignoring me to watch My Little Human?”

“No,” you said dryly. “I am reading a fanfic about those people while I wait for the next episode.”

“…I’m going to go sleep in the bathtub,” your spouse complained.

“I use to wonder what friendship could be…” you sung to yourself.

50th Chapter Special Part 3

''Okay, okay everypony,” --she scanned the room and saw non-equines scattered about-- “Errr, I mean everyone. This is going to take a few minutes. You are welcome to talk QUIETLY --ahem-- amongst yourselves, but please do speak up and say ‘here’, ‘present’, ‘’sup’, or something else that will signify your presence when I call your name. I’ll be going by chapter order. So without further ado:

"Flash Sentry?… Flash Sentry?'' Nopony spoke up. ''Oh yeah,'' Twilight said to herself, ''I think my brother said the Crystal Empire line is running late today. Something about having to clear dark magic from the tracks. Anywho, moving on,

''Carrot Cake?''

''Right here Ms. Sparkle,'' the nervous looking (When did he not look nervous?) stallion called out.

''Great,'' said Twilight, making a check somewhere on her really long scroll. “Ok, next is...

''Applebloom?''

“Here!” shouted the filly, who was hanging out with the other Cutie Mark Crusaders, undoubtedly scheming up their next plan to cause chaos.

''Red and Black Alicorn OC Donut Steel?''

''Here!'' came a reply from a dozen places around the room. Everywhere one looked, there were red and black alicorn OC’s of varying artistic competence, all with bombastic backstories and Gary Stu personalities. Twilight sighed. “I hate crappy fanfiction. Moving on...

“Gilda Gossamer?”

“‘Sup dweeb?” the Griffon said, pausing her conversation with… Pinkie Pie? “Huh?” Twilight puzzled.

“Cadence (or was it it CadAnce?)? Oh yeah, running late.”

''Rainbow Dash?''

“Heeeeeerrrrreeeee.” Poor girl was bored already.

“Uh, let’s see, the FimFiction logo is just that, a logo, so yeah, not a person.

“Similarly, Mr. Mustachio and Raritail are also innanimate objects, though I do see Steven Magnet later on down the list.

“Granny Smith?”

“I’m here,” the old mare drawled from her rocking chair.

“Snips?”

“Hey-yo!”

“Gummy?”

“... … …” … “He’s here,” Pinkie Spoke up for him.

“Opalescence?”

“Meow?”

“This guy shipped pets too? Weeeird,” Twilight said to herself.

“Little Strongheart?”

“Howdy!” the buffalo filly said.

“Ugh… Sunset Shimmer?” Twilight rolled her eyes.

Rarity spoke up. “I believe Princess, that she is still back in that other ‘hyoo-mans’ world you spoke of, busy being a little bitch.”

Twilight gasped. “Rarity! Language! There are kids and foals here!”

“Oh sorry darling. But you know how I feel about her.”

“Yes I do,” Twilight grumbled. “Thank you for being so generous in your appraisal of her. Moving on…

“Crackle? Who’s th--”

“GYUH!” the not-quite-all-there dragon shouted. Several ponies scooted back from her.

Twilight sighed again. “So that’s what your name is? How did you even get here? Actually know what, never mind, I don’t want to know."

''Photo Finish?''

''Yah, I am here.” The mare was hovering around the room, eager to snap photos and get free modeling out of a captive audience.

“‘Kay. Blueblood?... Blueblood?”

Applejack spoke up. “Ah reckon he didn’t wanna be associated with us common folk.”

“Yeah, that’s probably true. Though I think he would be bothered enough to show up considering somepony basically accused him of having an affair with Braeburn. Speaking of whom:

“Braeburn?”

“Here M’am! And I’d just like to cordially welcome you to…” Applejack stuck a hoof in his mouth.

''We’re in Ponyville coz.''

''Whoops.''

Princess Twilight Sparkle groaned. ''Ughhh, I can’t believe that’s only the first ten chapters. Curse Super and his prolificness. Let’s take a break guys.''

''Uhhhh, Twilight?''

''Yes Fluttershy?''

''it's only been two minutes.''

''Hey Fluttershy?''

''Yes Twilight?''

''When you're a princess dealing with this shit, you can schedule your own damn breaks.''

''Oh my.''

50th Chapter Special Part 4

One break of indeterminate length later, Twilight got back to roll. "If you can hear me clop once."

*CLOP!*

A few ponies clopped.

"If you can hear me clop twice!"

*CLOP! CLOP!*

Better, more of the room was starting to listen...

"If you can hear me clop thrice!"

There was indistinct clopping.

"Okay okay fine. If you can hear me clop three times."

*CLOP! CLOP! CLOP!*

This time those confused by the word "thrice" complied and most of the room clopped.

"Last one, if you can hear me, clop four times."

*CLOP! CLOP! CLOP! CLOP!*

The room was quiet. Twilight Sparkle was happy. "Okay guys, that's enough clopping; back to roll call. Let's see, where was I?... Ah yes! Ah... this chapter? Ewwww, gross, and nasty. Though actually, I wonder if... Hmmm, there would be a lot of cool things I could do working with myself. So many hypotheses to try! Oh wait, I would remember if I visited myself in the past. Unless... I used a memory-wiping spell! BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!...Ha?''

The crowd was staring at her. "Eh heh heh... heh... moving on..."

[Skippable] Bonus Meta Chapter, Because Clearly This Hasn't Descended Into Insanity Enough Yet

''Twilight! Twilight!'' I galloped up to the podium, huffing and puffing.

Twilight was shocked. ''Super, what are you doing here?!?! We weren't planning to knock you out, kidnap you, and bring you here for interrogation for several chapters. You're interrupting my roll call!''

I already had a response ready: ''Yo Twilight, I’m really happy for you, Imma let you finish but WE HAVE A BOMB THREAT ON ALL OF PONYVILLE!!!'' Of course I said it quietly to her so everypony around us wouldn't freak the fuck out.

Unfortunately, she did. ''A BOMB THREAT?!? Are you serious? Oh this is bad. This is very very bad. Oh my gosh! You're sure Super? Please please pleeeeaase tell me you're joking? You're joking right? Please please PLEASE!''

I shook my head. ''No I'm not. Look at the comments section. Some loony named Zombie Hunter claims his government has a wormhole into Equestria and is forcing him to kill ponies. After I told him I had had enough of his bizarre threats and was going to report him to you, he told me 'Too late, the bombs are set. When I hit this button all of Ponyville will go BOOM!'

''I so wish I was joking, but the guy had a freaking shotgun, which I KNOW for a fact is banned in Equestria, so he's serious. Deadly serious, pardon the inappropriate pun. Twilight Sparkle, we need to get everyone out of here NOW.''

She unsurprisingly was having a panic attack. ''Oh my gosh this is bad this is bad this is very very very very VERY bad! What do I do what do I do what do I dooooooooo?!?!?!?'' She went on like this for several minutes. But eventually, she smiled, and called some of the more powerful unicorns over, including Luna (obviously), Trixie (even if she was a douche), Shining and Cadance and even King Sombra (all of whom had just arrived), Vinyl Scratch, Discord (not a pony but very powerful), and several others over. She winked at me.

''Super, don't worry. I have a plan.''

''Oh really?''

''Yeah. This terrorist probably wanted to attack during the conference to cause the most damage. But he didn't think about the fact that that means our best and brightest minds and most powerful spell casters are here. We can fix this.''

''Awesome. How?''

''Well...''

[Skippable] Let's Get the Crazy Train Back On Track So We Can Go Back To Pretending To Have Some Semblance of A Plot

Actually, where was Discord? I thought Twilight called him over. The other unicorns shifted weight nervously.

"Discord, get your butt over here now!" Twilight yelled to nowhere in particular. "I know you of all creatures would be here at a slashfic convention. Come out please, we need your help!"

"Oh, but I am here Twilight!"

She heard a voice behind her and turned, only to find no one there.

"You silly filly, why can't you find me?"

Shining Armor snickered. Cadance tittered. I started to giggle. Even Chryssi chuckled (There sure are a lot of synonyms for "laugh" aren't there? We didn't even touch "yuk", "guffaw", "snigger", "snicker", "chortle", or "cackle".).

"What? What's so funny?" Twilight protested. My, can that mare be inept. Eventually, though she swished her tail, and caught a glimpse of where Discord's voice was coming from--it.

"Gahhh! Discord, why are you my tail? What are you doing there?"

"Oh, don't mind me. I'm just admiring the view."

"YOU!!!" she screamed in frustration, and with a magic spell, lit her tail on fire. "STOP STARING AT MY ASS!"

Discord evacuated his flaming residence while laughing heartily, swirling back into his full size. "My dearest Princess, YOU are a laugh riot. Oh good times, good times. Now, what may I do for you, Twilight Sparkle?"

"Well you see, according to Super Trampoline, we have an Alicorn OC and a guy in a trench coat threatening to blow Ponyville up. I have a plan to prevent that, but it requires a devious trickster. Would you happen to know anypony who might fit that description."

Even Discord was a little shocked. "Blow the place up? Like with dynamite?"

"Yep," I confirmed. Twilight gave me a dirty look that said something like "Shut up Super, I'm princess not you."

"Yep," Twilight said, "like with bombs or something."

Discord gasped. "How dare they?!? I may be chaotic, but I would never espouse a loss of life!" His face narrowed into a scowl. "How can I help?"

Twilight smiled. "Give me your ear." Discord ripped one of his ears off and handed it Twilight. She grimaced, but then took the ear with her magic and whispered into it. Discord stood a few Celestes* away, his frown turning into a giant grin as he listened.

"Yes, yes!" he could be heard muttering to himself. When Twilight was done talking, the ear *poof*ed out of existence and back onto his head. He rubbed his hand and talon together with an evil smile upon his visage. "I love it. When do we start?"

She replied with glee, "Right now."

[Skippable] Fighting Off Bad Guys 3: Electric Boogaloo 2: Pun Harder

''That's the plan Twilight?'' Vinyl asked skeptically. ''You're just going to go out there by yourself and confront them? That sounds pretty dangerous, and that's coming from me.''

''Hey,'' she countered, ''I'm a mother-fucking alicorn princess. I do what I want.''

Cadance gasped. ''Twilight! We do NOT use that kind of language! Bad filly!''

Shining Armor however, stated that, ''Hey, she's a big filly. She can do what she wants.'' A sharp nudge in the barrel from his wife's wing changed his tune. ''Ow! I, uh, mean, Twilight, you should not cuss. Your sister-in-law says so.''

Twilight rolled her eyes. ''Oh come on Caddy. Lighten up.''

Luna spoke up ''Neigh, I fear you may be spending an excessive amount of time with Discord, and his bad language is rubbing off on you.''

''It's true,'' the accused chimera responded. ''I'm guilty as charged. I do have the tongue of a turkey. So I guess you really could say I have a...'' He pulled a pair of sunglasses from hammerspace and put them on.

''Fowl mouth.''

''DISCORD!'' Everypony in earshot groaned.

''But seriously, I'll be there to support her if she needs back up,'' he concluded.

''Okay, we put our faith in you two,'' the hitherto silent King Sombra growled. Extensive speech therapy was helping him enunciate his words more clearly.

"I too endorse this nefarious course of action," the fanged Queen Chrysalis proclaimed. ''Bring down these political terrorists!"

Cadance gave her a death stare. "Political terrorists? Look who's talking!" Prince Blueblood had to break them up before there was a cat fight.

Twilight smiled. "Okay then. Discord, let's go kick some ass."

Discord nodded in agreement, and they were gone in a flash.

[Skippable] Stallion Whores Episode IV: Return of the Ship: Ship Hard With a Vengeance: zombiehunter4579/Deathprize88

The team burst into action. The powerful unicorns gathered their magics together and teleported all the ponies of Ponyville into fields a good ways outside of the city, where it was highly doubtful bombs were planted. Unsurprisingly many citizens were confused. Twilight left Luna and Cadance in charge of assuaging them of their fears.

''My little ponies,'' Cadance began in a Royal Crystal Empire voice, ''we are gathered today here in these fields because... reasons. There were murmurs among the thousands of occupants of the lands. They looked scared.

Cadance tag-teamed Luna, who continued. ''Please, calm yourselves. We assure you that you are in good capable hooves, and that we have a team of experts working around the clock on resolving the situation as we speak.''

Applejack strode up to her. ''Your Majesty, should I gather The Elements?"

Luna patted her head condescendingly. ''No, Honest Applejack Apple. I don't believe The Elements of Harmony would be of much use for these headcases. Besides, didn't we put them in a tree or something? I believe our friend Twilight and frienemy Discord have a solid plan of action. However, if you could have Loyal Rainbow Dash gather the local weather crew, I believe we have a very important task for them.''

''I'm on it Princess!'' shouted Rainbow, who was very clearly eavesdropping.

Some time later, under Rainbow's instructions, the brave pegasi took to the skies and swept the surrounding area. Eventually, it was Cloud Chaser who spotted their target: a gaudy yellow alicorn OC and a tall pink-skinned ape-like creature, wearing what looked to be paramilitary clothing. With lots of illegal stuff in his possession.

She activated the mana-infused gemstone on her necklace, which acted like a homing beacon for Twilight ''My Horn Has Great Reception Up Here in the Clock Tower'' Sparkle. The alicorn in turn cast a powerful spell which set the gemstones on the necks of all the other pegasi blinking. The signal had been sent out: time to return to the base. Twilight memorized the coordinates of Cloud Chaser, did a few breathing excises, and then *PSTHCHAAAZZZ!* she was gone, having teleported away with Discord to spring the trap.

''Hey, listen up you little shits!''

The two figures standing there in the Everfree forest arguing paused to turn their heads towards the interruption.

Nostrils flaired, ears canted back, wings erect. There, not twenty feet away from them, stood a very pissed-off Twilight Sparkle.

''Well well well, look who finally decided to show up'' cackled the human, reaching to pull something from his belt holster. The yellow alicorn named Death Prize just stood there wide eyed.

*BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!* Zombie Hunter rapidly fired off six shots from his gun.

*ping ping ping ping ping ping!* They ricocheted harmlessly off of Twilight's hitherto invisible force field shield.

Twilight growled and scowled. ''Did you really think I'd bring a feather duster to a knife fight?''

''Oh, my sweet little princess, you underestimmmmmphhhmhmhpthth!!!''

Twilight had magically zipped up his mouth in comedic fashion.

''You bitch, you threatened my little ponies. And you!--'' she pointed an accusatory hoof at Death Eater, ''are an Alicorn OC! Unless you have one helluva fan-fucking-tastic backstory, that is JUST as heinous of a crime!''

The two evil-doers looked at each other and shrugged.

She continued. ''So, unless you two want to atomized very painfully, you will do exactly as I say. Capisce?''

Zombie Hunter unzipped his lips and spat. ''And just what might that be, dearest princess?''

''I want you two to stand facing each other'' Twilight demanded. They obliged. She started to chuckle maniacally and yelled, ''Now kiss!''

The two criminals stared at her blankly.

She blushed. :twilightblush: ''Um well, you interrupted my anti-shipping conference. I thought it would be ironic. But it kind of sounds stupid doesn't it?'' :facehoof:

''Yeah. Yeah, it does,'' Death Eater said.

''No matter,'' said Zombie Hunter, shifting into a fighting stance. ''I'll just kill you now.''

The battle was brutally short and one sided.

Before the two could even react, Twilight blasted them with a directional translocation raybeam. A technicolor swirl far more brilliant than Kodachrome© prints sprayed toward them. When it made contact, it was like a surging tide, hammering them backwards through the air...

...right into the pocket dimension Discord had set up behind them.

He quickly proceeded to tug on the mouth of the portal (technically a worm hole) which was lined with string theory. He grabbed and tightened the string, pulling the opening closed. He then double knotted the string. Then triple knotted it again, just to be on the safe side. All that was left to show of the confrontation was a knot of PhD-level-math bobbing gently in the air.

"So, is that it?" Twilight asked.

''Yep,'' Discord responded. "Wasn't it just peaches and cream?" He produced a round red button from hammerspace and pressed it.

"That was easy" a male voice declared.

"Huh, where are we?" asked the alicorn.

There were strange, misproportioned creatures that sort of but not really resembled ponies crawling around and stiltedly chatting about inane crap. As the portal closed, the two prisoners could be heard screaming.

Discord stuffed the pocket dimension in his pocket to take to Princess Celestia. He and Twilight shared a brohoof. Mission accomplished.

50th Chapter Special Part 5

Two hours, forty-three minutes, and twenty seconds later, eighteen bombs and sixty-four Pinkie Pie clones had been found and disposed of, and everypony had been teleported back into Ponyville Square. A very worried Super Trampoline decided to take an unannounced vacation to Canterlot to get a restraining order against Twilight Sparkle, and a very unamused Twilight Sparkle regathered ponies and other creatures in the town hall so they could resume roll call on the way to making Super pay for his literary crimes against ponykind.

Twilight adjusted her glasses. ''Okay everypony, let's try this again. Hopefully sans bomb threats.''

50th Chapter Special Part 7: The Preantepenultimate Part of This Drawn-Out Story Arc

50th Chapter Special Part 7: The Preantepenultimate Part of This Drawn-Out Story Arc

"Ahem," Twilight said, tapping the mic. "It appears almost everyone is back, drawn by the free food and the author’s my desire to get this over with. So, thanks to the fact that I tagged everyone I took roll of earlier with a tracking spell, which is totally not creepy, I can see that everybody I already took roll of is here, except of course for Prince Blueblood, cause you know, HE’S A GIANT :yay:! Also, I see several of you have arrived from the Crystal Empire; it is duly noted that Flash Sentry and Cadance are now here.''

''Sunshine Sunshine, Ladybugs Awa--''

“Please, not now Cadance.”

“Awwww.”

“Moving on, I will continue with roll call. Finally.

“Twilight Sparkle, yes I’m here. As am I, Twilicorn.

“Queen Chrysalis?”

… no pony spoke up.

Twilight frowned. “Yo, Shining, did Chryssi end up showing up?”

Shining hollered back from his spot at the front door. “Yeah. She tried to come in disguised as a random pony, but when I told her there wasn’t a pony named 'Buzz Kill' on the guest list, she grumbled and changed back to her natural form. Guess she really wanted that free food.”

Twilight scanned the crowd again. No large bug-ponies were visible. “Chrysalis, please identify yourself, or I will be forced to use a changeling-finding spell, and I hear it tickles quite painfully if you are a changeling. So please reveal yourself now.”

More grumbling was heard from an inconspicuous mare stuffing her mouth full of pastries in front of the snack table, and soon Chrysalis was again among them, cheeks bulging with croissants.

Twilight smiled. “Thank you Chrysalis. You may now go back to being a rude guest.” Chrysalis did just that.

“Okay next up we have Tom. Isn’t that the rock you fell in love with, Rarity?”

"I thought we agreed never to speak of that again.”

"Face it, Rarity," Twilight said, "you're never going to live that down."

"Oh dear me, I really amn't, am I? Anyway, I do recall we used that ugly rock to stop up that darned mirror pool."

Twilight shuttered at the mention of that pool. "Right. Moving on...

"Discord! Are we your prey alone? Or are we just a stepping stone for taking back the throne?

"Twilight, Twilight, Twilight. You know I like a good reference as much as the next draconequus, but do you think it might happen to be annoying when EVERY SINGLE BUCKING MUSICALLY-INCLINED PONY SINGS THAT BLASTED SONG TO ME?!?"

Twilight blushed :twilightblush:. "Um, okay. Moving on, Celestia?"

Luna instead spoke up: "Celly is in Canterlot. She's kind of busy you know, running a country and stuff. So she sent me in her stead. I must say, it is a pleasure to see you again Twilight Sparkle."

"The sentiment is mutual," Twilight replied with a grin. "Next we have Angel Bunny. Uh, Fluttershy?"

"Look down," the pegasus said, and Twilight followed her advice, only to find a rabbit stomping its foot impatiently next to her.

"Yes Angel, you want this story arc to be over, I get it. You and everybody else. Welp, you're gonna have to exercise a little patience for once. You'll survive. Okay, next we have Flufflepuff."

Coincidence? I think not!

"Pffftftpfpfffttff," said the pony who looked remarkably like an Angora rabbit.

"Doctor Whooves--errr, Time Turner?"

"I believe he is running late, not at all ironically," Fleur chipped in.

Twilight was confused. "Wait, I'm confused!" she said, confusedly. "You two are actually dating? What about--"

"Fancy Pants?" Fleur interrupted. "You thought that cad was my husband? Please! Try boy-toy. He's who I telegraph when I need an escort or a good fuck."

"Hey, watch your language Ms. Fleur!" yelled Applebloom. "Ah'm a young'un, and mah sensitive ears don't take a likin' to that sorta invocation!" :applecry:

''Oh, I'm sooooo sorry. My apologies, Apple Broom.''

''It's Bloom!''

''Whatever.''

''Heh, okay girls. No need to fight. Let's just continue right along then. Next we have Cheerilee!''

"Here," muttered a very stressed teacher grading papers on a snack table she had cleared off. She didn't want to be here, but she her desire for free food outweighed this, even if it meant putting up with Twilight's shit.

"A crystal pony? Do we have any crystal ponies in the house?"

"Yes, Princess," said a dainty goldenrod mare with red pepper cutie mark. "I was elected to represent the common crystal ponies. Our prince, Shining Armor (your brother), is also here representing us in an official capacity. We wanted to send Joyous Release, seeing how she's an expert on this sort of stuff, but well, her, plus scores of other ponies in the same place... it would have been bad news all around. So we decided (By vote of course, because after King Sombra we felt a breath of fresh democracy would be nice.) to send me instead. I'm a sex therapist, and it is an honor to serve on your committee Your Majesty. I am Taco Tuesday, at your service.''

''Taco Tuesday?''

Taco blushed. ''Yeah, my parents own a Neighxican restaurant. I'm kind of the black sheep of the family, so to speak.''

''Understood. I'm glad to have you here. Now, next on the list we have...

''tHe AuThOr!'' Twilight's complexion at this point became rather unpleasant. Her visage became warped, her physiognomy became a distorted mess, and her features became twisted shadows of insanity. That is all to say, she made a pretty-damn-creepy face.

''I'll get you yet, my pretty.''

50th Chapter Special Part 8.1: The Antepenultimate Part of This Drawn-Out Story Arc

50th Chapter Special Part 8.1: The Antepenultimate Part of This Drawn-Out Story Arc

Twilight Sparkle grumbled, because she really wanted to get to the actual conference part of the conference, but she knew she needed to make sure everyone was there first. One of the drawbacks of being the amazingly and wonderfully organized Twilight ''If I made love like I make lists I'd be on the cover of Playcolt'' Sparkle was that she found it impossible to go about her daily business if a task was not completed. So after her little conniption upon seeing the author mentioned, she settled her glasses back upon her muzzle and resumed reading the list of guests.

"First we have Kuno. Huh, that's strange, when I gave these to Spike to mail out, I told him to ignore the imaginary ponies. Kuno, are you real?''

A brash cocaine-colored female pegasus with a gallon of gel spiking up her baby-blue mane sauntered up to the front of the room. ''Bitch, better believe it! I'm hella real. Swiggity Swooty, You've got princess duty!"

''Um,'' Twilight started. ''I, uh, really don't know how to respond to that fusillade to my sense of decency.''

Kuno chuckled heartily and in a flash of green resumed her natural form. ''Nah, I'm just messing with yuh. Housewiving gets me a little stir-crazy sometimes. So yeah, I'm here.''

Twilight continued to stare for a good six or seven seconds before responding. ''Wow, huh, this is more than a bit surreal. I mean, An Affliction of the Heart is one of my favorite romance series, but I mean... wow! This is like Daring Do Deux! Did all that stuff really happ... wait a minute! Like a decade passes in that story. It's only been like, not even two years since the invasion! And then the Chrystal Empire, and-and-and... Chrysalis isn't in jail, and she sure as TARTARUS ain't sleeping with my bro. She's right here snarfing down... ARE YOU SERIOUSLY JUST EATING PURE BUTTER NOW?''

''Hey,'' Kuno said, defending her queen, ''she's planning on impersonating you next. Can you blame her for taking the role seriously? She's just trying to be show accurate.''

''What does that even--DAMMIT, I'M NOT FAT! I DO NOT EAT LARD! I ONLY EAT CAKE...Sometimes...when I feel disconnected from my friends aaaaand now I'm going to cry. No Twilight, stay strong. Stay strong for mommy and daddy and BBBFF. Think of happy things like Smarty Pants and...''

While Twilight was mumbling to herself, Rainbow Dash flew over next to Kuno and brohoofed her for the excellent burn. ''So, I take it the stuff after the second book is all made up?''

''Oh, yeah. Swarm's, well, I love her more in some ways than I even do Warden, but right now she's at that stage of foalhood where she's a real pain in the ass.''

Rainbow winced to hear a mother calling her daughter that.

Kuno rolled her eyes. ''What, never heard the phrase 'frank as a changeling'?''

''Uh, well, no. I mean, usually you guys are portrayed as being anything but truthful.''

''Understood. By the way, you must be Rainbow Dash, right? Celestia has mentioned you from time to time. Friend of her student Twilight 'Am I Fat?' Sparkle?''

Rainbow ran her hoof through her main. ''Heh, yeah, that's me. One and only. Wait, you hang out with Celestia? I thought you guys got thrown in jail.''

''Oh, hardly. Chrysalis is the only one in jail. Rumor has it that it was some of her own guards who betrayed her 'cause she's such a capital B. But yeah, I meet Celly for tea and chat a few times a month, since I'm basically a living, walking, talking, breathing, lovemaking equipological social experiment. Neat huh?'' Kuno wagged her eyebrows enthusiastically.

''Heck yeah, I like your style. But where's the guy who has to put up with you?''

Kuno couldn't roll her eyes in this form, on account of not having pupils, so she opted for slumping her head down on her shoulders. ''Have you even read the books?''

''Y-yeah.'' Dash stuttered.

''So tell me what you know about Warden that might answer that question. I know you're not an egghead like Twilight 'What's wrong with being an egghead!?!' Sparkle, but I think you can get this one.''

''Um, his hoof's like, seriously whacked?''

''Yep, I'm glad you got the correct answer. Now I don't have to murder you in your sleep!'' Kuno smiled entirely too perkily, and turned to trot away.

''Wait! Who's Anonymous Pegasus?''

Kuno gave that sly grin she was so good at giving. ''Well, if I told you, he wouldn't be anonymous anymore, now would he?''

50th Chapter Special Part 8.2: A Good List Goes To War: The Continuing Conquest of the Colon Cancer

After years of heartwrenching and intensive therapy (and by that I mean Spike slapping her and telling her to chin up), Twilight ceased crying and instead resolved to read some dieting books. And for funnel cake's sake, finish the damn guest list.

''AHEM. Next on the list we have Rainbow Dash and... a blender. Who the kimchi ships a blender? Sigh... let me guess, somepony brought the blender didn't they?"

Rainbow stepped forward, blender in hoof. "Well um, heh. Truth is, that event, um, actually happened. It's not something I like to talk about, but well, that was my first time, and so the (heh this is so awkward.) uh, blender kinda has a special place in my heart.'' At this she held up her blenderfriend and cradled it gently to her chest.

Twilight literally had nothing to say. Discord of all creatures popped out of Rainbow's ear. ''Gurl, I've seen some pretty crazy shit in my time here, but do you mean to say you lost your virginity performing cunnilingus on a blender? Cause that's pretty sad. Not gonna lie."

Dash was turning beet red and looked like she was getting ready to cry.

Applejack trotted up to her and squeezed some lemon juice into her metaphorical wounds. "Ah remember when that happened a few months ago. Truth be told, we all thought you lost your virginity years ago."

"Buck you guys!'' Rainbow shouted. "Cuisinart SmartPower Duet Blender/Food Processor and I were meant for each other. You guys just don't understand! Blendy's on my wavelength. She gets me!" And with that, she stormed out of the town hall with her lover on her back and went home to her cloud house to do... things.

"Well... that happened," muttered Twilight, finally freed from her state of shock. "Moving on as quickly as possible and pretending we didn't know about Dash's...blenderphilia."

Twilight rolled up the scroll a little and looked at the next pairing.

''Oh.

''This chapter.

''Seriously.

''Pinkie?''

''Yes?'' the pink mare asked while carting away a tray emptied of munchies back to the hall's cafeteria.

''Please tell me this alleged night of debauchery didn't actually happen too.''

''What, the kinky threesome with Octy and Vinyl? Nahhhh. I wish though. Would've been fun.''

Twilight let out a breath she didn't realize she had been holding. ''Well that's reassuring. Your overly casual attitude regarding sex still concerns me somewhat. But that's neither here nor there.

''Zecora. Zecora, are you here? I could use a calm head in all this insanity.''

''If it's I whom you are seeking,

Then to the right mare you are speaking.''

Twilight giggled at the rhyme. "Honestly, how long did you work that out in your head for?''

''Twilight dear, do you not think

That I cannot... shit, I need a drink.''

Twilight rolled her eyes. ''And hopefully these allegations regarding you and Bloomberg are false?''

Zecora took a sip of water from a flask and continued:

''I have not fucked the Bloomberg tree;

Shipping dreams aren't killed though:

For when I'm feeling quite horny

I use my wooden dildo."

''GAH! TMI!" Twilight shouted, trying desperately and failing miserably to get an X-rated image out of her head.

Doing her best to regain her composure, Twilight wearily called out the next ponies on the list. "Flim, Flam? Do you two happen to sell brain bleach?"

At the sound of opportunity, Flim stepped forward and immediately did his best carnival barker impression. ''No m'am, but we do have this extraordinary one of a kind opportunity to--''

Twilight wasn't in the mood for a sales pitch. "Sorry, not interested. Aloe, Lotus, is a happy ending actually twenty bits?"

The somewhat timid spa mares had to speak up in order to be heard "Well, for a princess it would be free."

"No. I hate preferential treatment. I'll take five. Just add the charge to my princess tab; I can bill it as "business expenses."

"Um, your majesty," Aloe started, "With all due respect, first of all, I'm pretty sure that would be considered a misuse of Celestia's funds."

"And second of all," Lotus Blossom continued, "do you actually understand what a happy ending is? It's when--"

"I know what it is. And actually I could use one right now. Take a ten minute break everyone. This princess needs to de-stress."

Apple Bloom and her elder sister had a pretty awkward birds and bees talk after that.

LET'S DO THE TIME WARP (AGAIN)!

Acting as the audience surrogate, Twist :twistnerd: spoke up before Twilight could continue taking roll. "Yo Twilight, I’m really happy for your thoroughneth; Imma let you finith, but thith roll call story arc’th getting really tediouth. Maybe we thould jump ahead to the acthual discuthion, don’t chu think?"

Rather than be upset, Twilight paused to ponder thith this problem, and after a few moments nodded her head in agreement. "You’re right Twist. This fashion’s arc’s getting old. The time has come to welcome an actual open discussion about how to deal with this shipping menace. Hmmm… I know! I’ll use my awesome alicorn awesomeness to build a time warp!" she announced more than a little loudly.

Twist clopped heartily in approval. "That thoundth like a great idea! You’re my favoriteth princeth!"

Twilight smiled genuinely. "Thank you Twist. I’ll remember you when I take over the world. Now stand back everypony, it’s about to get all magicky up in this joint! Neeeiiighh!" She actually neighed in excitement.

Her horn began to glow, and weird atmospheric distortions appeared in front of her. The air turned an ugly brownish teal color, and the distinct smell of fish was noted. The master magician channeled more and more power into the spell, and her eyes got all freaky and her mane all messy, and she rose into the air as the stereotypical wind that always seems to accompany powerful manifestations of magic swirled around her, throwing lose papers and pastries into a wild and fevered dance. The focal point of the casting crackled and shimmered, and as the spell reached its apex and Twilight’s power surged, she cried out in a voice like that of one possessed by a thousand demons: “DEUS EX SPARKLECUS!”

There was a thunderous explosion, and when the dust settled and the terrified ponies dared to reopen their eyes, they found before them an ecstatic Twilight dancing and hopping around a vortex to the future about a celeste in spherical diameter. “It worked! It worked! It worked!” she shouted with childlike joy.

After several minutes of this, Twilight calmed down and resumed her stately awkward princess demeanor. “So, what this means is that those of you I've already noted as “here” may now step into this time warp of sorts and into the future when I have completed roll call and group discussion is set to begin. Any volunteers want to test it out?”

Immediately a crowd of ponies and other sapient beings rushed the stage, hoping desperately to escape the increasingly crazed Twilight. Within a few minutes, the room had about two-score less people in it. One particular pony wasn’t very happy about this development.

"The Great and Powerful Trixie Lulamoon is flabbergasted that there are ponies who wouldn’t want to hear her Great and Powerful name called by her frienemy Twilight Dorkle!"

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Trixie, give it up already. You’re a washed up has-been. I won’t lay on the smack too hard, but suffice it to say that nopony but Sethisto cares about you. Just step through the damn portal already and get out of my life for the next ten minutes.”

Trixie harrumphed. “Fine. You may have bested Trixie this time, but the battle is far from over, Sparkle. But!” she exclaimed, changing to a less antagonizing and douchey voice, “Speaking strictly as a fellow professional prestidigitator and not at all as a mortal frienemy, I, err, I mean Trixie must confess her enthusiastic admiration for that most excellent time spell you performed. Though she must question, how did you know when to send it to?”

Twilight blushed sheepishly. :twilightblush: “Uh, well, I didn’t. I left the wormhole destination undefined. So until I anchor it on the other side ten to fifteen minutes from now, or whenever I’m done with roll call, everyone and thing that enters the rift is trapped in the trans-dimensional nothingness of space-time--a void of unbeing, if you will.”

Trixie nodded her head and made a face, as if nonverbally saying "not bad." "Huh. Sounds very Neightzsche-esque, this temporary nil state you speak of."

"Yeah, I suppose it is," Twilight concurred, “but without the syphilis, insanity, or questionable ultranationalism.”

Something clicked, and Trixie’s façade went back up: "Well, whatever is on the other side of that vortex thingie, I sure bet it beats this lame scene. The Great and Powerful Trixie is out. Later foos." And with that the showmare haughtily sauntered into the unfinished chronological shortcut.

Twilight watched her disappear with a shrug. “So, uh, how are you today, Wheel?”

50th Chapter Special Part 9.2: The Penultimate Part Part 2: Well That Escalated Quickly, I Mean That Really Got Out of Hoof Fast!

...Back in the present time...

Three minutes later, Twilight (one of them) came back through the portal. ''Okay! At last, we can discuss what to do with this nuisance known as Super Trampoline the shipper. So, any suggestions?''

Everyone shifted nervously and whispered to each other.

''You should tell her.''

''No, you tell her! This was your idea!''

''Uggghhh, fine.''

Cadance stepped forward. ''I'm so sorry Twilight. This isn't a convention. This is an intervention.''

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Twilight was shocked. "What?! An intervention? I don't get it. What do you mean? This-this is a conference on how to deal with Super Trampoline the shipper. W-what's going on?"

Confident Cadance continued to act as the spokespony for the group. "I'm sorry Twilight, but simply none of us care if Super writes silly stories about us. We know not to take them seriously. You, on the other hoof, are out of control. We all know what happens when you have your breakdowns Twilight. It isn't pretty. So no, I'm afraid we didn't come to stop shipping. We came to stop you."

Twilight looked around. Suddenly the friends and acquaintances surrounding her looked more like enemies. Worse than enemies. Traitors. They had betrayed her, the whole sorry lot of them.

        Tears welled up in her eyes. “You... y-you lied? You lied. All of you! You LIED to me! W-why would you guys do this to me? I… I thought you all cared! I thought you cared about he who wrongs us with his nasty, nasty, poopy fiction! Don’t you all care about decency? Don’t you care about standards?! We need standards and decency, or it all goes to Tartarus! The shippers win! Do you want that?! Do we want that?! Do you and I want the shippers to win?! NO! No I say! THIS is where we stop it. THIS is where we draw the line! THIS is where we take a stand against shipping! Right here, right now, is where and when WE band together and stop this madness.

“Fellow ponies and assorted other creatures: years, decades, centuries, millennia from now, our progeny can look back in time, point to our spot in the history books, and say with pride ‘This, this was when our ancestors defeated the menace that plagued the land. This was when they changed history for the better. This was when they saved the world.’ They will say it with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts, because they speak of a beautiful thing. They speak of now, of right here, right now. Now my little ponies, NOW is when we save the world. Join me, my friends and acquaintances. Join me, and together, we can stop shipping.”

How do you respond to that? How do you respond to a speech so elegant and articulate, yet so hopelessly wrong? No one knew, so they all sat and stood dumbfounded in a semicircle around their princess of magic. Cadance leaned over and whispered down to Rainbow Dash.

“Hey Dash?”

“Yeah Cadance?”

“Remember how you insisted Twilight was too far gone, and I was all ‘No, nonsense; anypony can be fixed with the power of gentle and encouraging love’?”

“Yeah, what about it? You changing your tune?”

“Yeah, you were right Rainbow. She’s a lost cause. Let’s quit this joint while we still can.”

“Good idea.”

The two ponies were the first to trot towards the exit, continuing to chat while they did.

“So hey, you and Shiny wanna grab a beer? Celestia knows I could use one after this headache.”

“Yeah. I could use a lot more than one. I still have to give Sombra cotillion lessons this afternoon. Stupid bet with my husband. Please, shoot me now[1].”

Even the ultra-tough Rainbow Dash winced when she heard that.

They stopped at the town hall’s entrance and Cadance exchanged a few words with Shining Armor, then the three walked out, once again free ponies.

“So Shining,” Rainbow remarked, “You’re an awfully big brute to make your wife give Sombra cotillion lessons.”

Shining chuckled and rolled his eyes. “Really Caddy, you’re complaining? Rainbow, she must not have given you the whole story. She won that bet. I have to change his diapers.”

"Oh stallion, really? That sucks!"

"Yes. Yes, it does."

One by one, two by two, and in larger groups, all the creatures in the room made their way out the double doors to freedom. Twilight just sat there on her haunches, watching in horror as all around her all her long hours of schedule planning, letter writing, stamp licking, hall reserving, and hotel room booking toppled down in flames.

        The place emptied out, leaving Twilight alone sniffling softly and sobbing into her right primary feathers. “We… we didn’t even do the ice breaker.”

This was horrible. She hadn’t felt this broken and defeated since the time Discord stole her friends away. She just wanted to shrivel up into a ball and listen to Filly Vanilli. Suddenly a midnight blue wing draped itself over her.

“We know how you feel Twilight.” Twilight finished sucking phlegm from her sinuses into her mouth and looked up to see the princess of the night doing her best to make a compassionate face. She still had work to do in the modern facial expressions department, but Twilight appreciated the effort put into the gesture.

“Princess Luna? What are you doing still here?”

“Permission to attempt to use modern linguistic patterns, your highness?”

        “Uh, you outrank me. You don’t need to ask me for permission. But um, permission granted."

        Luna cleared her throat. "Ahem! To use current vernacular, I feel you Twilight. The others here are harshing your mellow; I dig. I too, know what it’s like to be the only one on your wavelength. It hella sucks doesn’t it."

        Even as a bookworm, Twilight couldn’t help but smile at Luna’s massacre of the Equestrian language. At least she was trying to get with the times. “Heh, Yeah, you do Luna. Thanks for being here. If not for you, I might have turned into Nightmare Twilight or something. Then I’d be all ‘The Convention shall last… FOREVER!’”

("Also, Books for all!")

        She chuckled. Luna, however, was nonplussed.

        “Too soon?” Twilight asked.

        Luna nodded. “I’m afraid it may be ‘too soon’ for a while yet. But that’s neither here nor there. Let’s get on with your conference.”

        Twilight’s who body instantly purged itself of mopeyness. “Really? You’ll still help me?”

        “Sure. Some princess bonding time never killed anypony[2].”

        “Oh my gosh Luna! Thank you so much!” She wrapped the elder alicorn in a huge hug. “You don’t know how much this means to me!”

        Luna smiled. “No problem. So what’s the plan?”

        Twilight stepped away and faced her accomplice with a malicious grin. “It’s simple. We kill kidnap the bat pony.”

50th Chapter Special Part 10.1: The Ultimate Part of This Drawn-Out Story Arc: Luna Caves to Peer Pressure

I was in my house packing my saddlebags. I was leaving this town. Neighton-of-Grant was only about five miles down the river, a nice little unassuming village easily within trotting distance. My mom thought I was blowing things out of proportion, but did confide that if Twilight was indeed losing it, it would be wise for me to lay low for a few days. Well, laying low can kiss my rear end. I was NOT about to have a run-in with the princess of cloud cuckoo land. Or so I thought.

I would be traveling lightly, and inasmuch didn't need to bring much. I mean, I thought Twilight would cool down pretty quickly, especially given that her friends are now obligated to check up on her when this stuff happens, ever since that heart's desire fiasco. Colt, was I wrong. I was heading downstairs when the ring of a doorbell froze me in my tracks.

"Uh, mom, can you get that please?"

"Sure honey... Oh, it's Twilight Sparkle. Should I let her in?"

"NO! NO, Don't let her in! What ever you do, DON'T let her in!!!"

"Okay, well, if you're going to make a break for it, you should probably hurry. She's knocking rather insistently."

She didn't need to advise me twice. The back window was already thrown open, with me ready to take off from it. "KaybyemomIloveyoupleasekeepTwilightoccupiedkaybye!"

I launched myself out, flapping my wings erratically as I desperately tried to put distance between myself and the house and the madmare.

I had gotten no more than half a furlong away, when I found myself suddenly ensnared in the glow of magic. To my horror, the princess had somehow caught me. To my surprise, it wasn't the princess I was expecting. "Luna? Luna, what are you doing? Let me go!"

She had an almost apologetic look in her eye, and as she lowered me to the ground, she muttered "Sorry I have to do this, Super, but Twilight's my friend." With that, I felt a tingling sensation gripping my body, and I could tell Luna was firing up a teleportation spell.

"Wait, no you don't have to..." My words petered out as my body disintegrated. A flash, and the world was gone.

Guest Author Week: Seabreeze/Queen Chrysalis by Niaeruzu

With a sweet, sweet rub over her flank, Seabreeze slowly inched closer to his lover. “Kreyy myinn Eech khoon,” he whispered, working his way further up.

“Oh, I love it when you prattle dirty,” his lover said, quivering slightly under the delicate caresses.

Seabreeze placed a tender kiss, one on her side, then one on her shoulder. “Myinn byuk geeh hwa,” he cooed.

His lover let out a giggle, fluttering her torn, translucent wings. “Oho,” she said, brushing a strand of bluish-green hair out of her face. “I was wrong, earlier. It seems like this day will be more perfect…”

Guest Author Week: Spitfire/Tank by Dubs Rewatcher

Spitfire threw open the front door and galloped out onto the cloud lawn. A wing was draped over her face, but it wasn't nearly enough to stifle her sobs. ''I-I can't do this anymore!''

Rainbow flew out after her. ''What the Tartarus, Spitfire?! Cheating on me? First you insult my rap demo tape, and now this?!''

''Shut up!'' Spitfire screamed, spinning around. ''You never appreciated me. At least now I'm with a man who cares about me!''

''Oh, yeah?'' Rainbow snorted. ''Who?''

Spitfire pointed to the doorway, eyes narrowed. Ten minutes passed. Tank stepped into the doorway.

Guest Author Week: Spike/Winona by DustyPwny

The mirror had truly fucked Spike over. Upon his return from the alternate-universe Canterlot, he wasn't changed back to his lovely dragon figure that everypony adored. Instead, he was a ‘mutt’, as Sunset Shimmer had called him. Like it or not, he took the stupid transformation in stride, just as any other dragon would.

''Stupid Sunset…'' Spike growled to himself, ''She probably caused all of this.''

''What a manly growl you’ve got there…,'' A mysterious feminine voice called out to him, ''handsome.''

''Oh no,'' Spike muttered before he found himself being tussled by Applejack’s faithful farmdog, Winona.

Guest Author Week: Crackle/Maud Pie/Tom by ocalhoun

Maud Pie blinked.

Crackle blinked one eye, then the other.

Tom did nothing.

From opposite sides of the rock, the pony and dragon slowly drew closer. Tom felt the hooves and claws pressing onto his tough skin.

Above him, slowly, his two lovers met.

Tom watched the scene directly above him, watched as Maud's soft grey face met the dragon's hard green lips.

The two collapsed on top of him, still touching; their soft bellies caressed his facets.

Shifting where he laid, tom creaked slightly. Both of their tongues writhed against his hard flesh. He was in heaven.

Guest Author Week: Tom/Discord by RainbowBob

Discord opened one eye, then the other. His head was rigid, and he could see his surroundings in a clear vision, which meant he sure wasn't sober at the moment.

Yawning, he grunted and cracked his back. ''Ugh, what did I do last night? Felt like I slept on rocks.'' Looking down, he discovered the stoic expression of Tom staring at him disapprovingly beneath him.

''Oh man... did we do it?''

''...''

''Did I at least use protection?''

''...''

''You're clean, right?''

''...''

''What, me? Oh...'' Discord gulped, scratching the back of his neck.

''...''

''Yeeeeeeah, might wanna get yourself checked up.''

Guest Author Week: Vinyl Scratch/Trixie by The Princess Rarity

''Aw, babe, c'mon, don't-.''

''Trixie should not have to deal with this! Trixie is a star, unlike you!''

Vinyl shook her head. ''Yeah, ok, whatever,'' she huffed.

''What?'' Trixie shot back. ''Do you doubt Trixie?''

''Naw, Trix, I'm not thinkin' that, it's-'' Vinyl halfheartedly shrugged. ''I'm making money, so who's the real star? All you do is make fireworks.''

Trixie gasped. ''How dare you insult Trixie!''

The two mares glared at one another...

...then the disk jockey smirked.

''Did I ever tell you how hot you look when you're pissed off?''

''Shut up.''

Guest Author Week: Cloud Kicker/Diamond Dog by Fixit Wrenches

After several hours... okay, minutes of howling and creaking noises, Cloud Kicker stared up, scowling at the ceiling. Her partner shifted, rolling over to face her.

''Pony, good doggy style!'' The Diamond Dog said, wagging his tail under the blanket.

Cloud scooted away from the Dog with a look of disgust on her face. ''No, get out, you mangy mutt!'' Picking up a newspaper, she swatted him on the nose. The dog scampered out of her house, and she got into her shower to wash the smell off.

''Ugh, never again,'' she muttered into the water. ''That's a rule.''

knighty/Meeester/Chuckward

''Oh Meeester,'' knighty crooned with his silly British accent, ''I love the way you approve so many stories. It gets me hot and flustered!''

Meeester just grimaced.

knighty sighed. His new lover wasn't much one for words. He'd have to get his banning fix elsewhere.

Wearing nothing but socks, knighty straddled a bound Chuckward, repeatedly spanking him with his banhammer.

''Ooh yeah baby! Ban me! Ban me in the ass! I'm a dirty sock puppet! Yes!'' the troll screamed as he climaxed, spewing stories all over FimFiction. knighty himself writhed in pleasure, moderating violently.

Meeester just grimaced.

Smarty Pants x Lyra Plushie

"Oh Smarty Pants, I love you!'' the Lyra plushie sang. ''I want you inside me! I was made to have things fill my rear. But alas... we are both of the female complexion.''

Smarty stroked her fillyfriend's mint green coat. ''Don't worry, babe. Twilight taught me a special spell.''

Lyra raised her eyebrows. ''Oh?'' she said, nibbling her companions ear.

The grey doll blushed. ''Heh, yeah. Turns out 'Want-It-Need-It' isn't the only bizarre spell Twilight knows.''

Lyra smiled, her mare bits swelling. ''Go on. I'm ready.''

Smarty mounted her. ''Are you ready for Futa Pants?''

Soarin/Chimera

''Mmmmm, delicious! How did you find this hole-in-the-wall?'' the goat asked, scarfing down crumbs of crust.

Soarin chuckled. ''Well, Ms. Chimera, Canterlot is my second home, so I know all the best bakeries, and that YOU love pies too,'' he added with a wink.

''Oh, we do,'' the tiger head purred. And we'd like to share our pie with you, Soarin.''

Soarin turned beet-red, the snake slithering up to his ear: ''Your place or ours?''

Later

''So girls, which of you lucky ladies will I be bedding tonight? Or,''--Soarin bit his lips--''will we be having a foursome?''

Big Mac/Milky Way

Milky Way was adding a banana to the milk and ice cream in the blender, when the doorbell rang. A strapping red stallion was standing outside. Huh. guess that saying about milkshakes is true, she thought, opening the door.

''Hello Miss,'' Big Mac began, ''I noticed your milk cart was--'' He stopped, eyes glued to her... large endowments.

Milky rolled her eyes. ''Yes, they're natural. No, you may not touch--'' It was her turn to stare at his crotch. She smiled sensuously. ''Well, stud, I see why they call you "Big" Macintosh. Say, wanna buck my apples?''

Trenderhoof/Octavia

Trenderhoof spotted the silhouette of his svelte prey leaning over the bar. ''Hey babe, I've always admired the stamina of earth ponies. What do you--'' the mare turned around and punched him in the face.

As he fell to the floor, his brain connected the pieces. Shit, Octavia. ''DJ P0N3, help!''

Vinyl scrunched her eyebrows. ''Dude, I'm staying out of this.''

Octavia straddled the stallion on the club floor. ''Listen, hipster shit. I once hoofed my wife for three straight hours. I want you to picture me doing that, except to your pretentious ass instead. Fuck off.''

Mane-iac/Berry Punch

Huddled in a dank alleyway, the Mane-iac craddled her fillyfriend in her arms, bucket nearby. ''Berry, you know I love you.''

''...HIC!... yeah, Maney.''

''If I didn't, I wouldn't worry about you.''

''Yeah.'' The magenta mare smiled, despite the knot in her stomach, ''I know. I really gotta...ugh... change mah ways, you know?''

''Don't change for me, Berry. Change for yourself and your daughter.''

''Yeah, yeah Imma sahbber up, 'cho know?''

The Mane-iac rolled her eyes. ''Also, my shampoo can do great things, but even it can't get this much vomit out of your mane.''

Special Guest Author Grey Faerie: Pinkie/Frosting Spoon (With a Pinch of Help From Super)

Pinkie's lip trembled. Her eyes widened. Her mouth felt dry. She opened it and lapped out her tongue.

Ahhh, frosting.

The creamy vanilla frosting coated the spoon so nicely. She dragged her tongue across its surface. The white substance stuck upon her tongue, lighting up her senses.  But all too soon, it was done. Pinkie pouted. She put down the spoon into the soapy water.

That's right. She was cleaning up.

Mr. Cake popped in. ''Pinkie? What are you doing?''

''Umm, nothing. Just dishes.''

''You seemed very focus on that spoon.''

''Yeah, it's just...very dirty.''

''Okay.'

Bon Bon/AppleJack

''BON-BON!'' Lyra yelled, ''Why do you smell like sweaty apples?''

Uh-oh, Bon-Bon thought. ''Ummm, I was galloping through an apple orchard?''

''You shagged Big Mac, didn't you?'' Lyra asked accusingly.

Bon-Bon sighed, defeated. ''No, Applejack.''

''Bonny, shame on you! You knew that mare was holding out for a special somepony, not a quick romp in the hay!''

''Lyyyrraaa, I have changeling needs. Needs which only a good bucking could satisfy.

''Wait, you turned into a tree?'' Lyra inquired.

''Yeah, Applejack loves apple bucking. I brought some fruit back too.''

''Bon-Bon?''

''Yes, beloved?''

''Why do these apples taste like fish?''

Special Guest Author xjuggernaughtx: Vinyl Scratch/Double Bass

Her eyes lingered on the pearl-inlaid fret board as she ran a hoof lightly along her lover's smooth contours.

''We've waited so long,'' she whispered huskily, pulling back the satin sheets to lie beside the instrument.

''Vinyl!'' came the suspicious call from downstairs. ''You haven't seen my bass… have you?''

''Shh!'' Vinyl hissed, pressing her hooves against the taut strings on the bass's neck. ''We can't let her find us this way!  She would never understand the love we have for each other.''

For its part, the bass just really wanted to tap that ass.

Winston Churchill/Franklin Roosevelt/Joseph Stalin/Celestia Solaris

At 10am, Celestia's head finally popped above the blankets. ''Wooooo boys, that was a fuuuuuuun night!''

Her strange bedfellows were smoking a cigar, long cigarette, and pipe respectively.

''What a blast! You fellows held up your end of the deal--I think I'll be sore for a week!--so now I'll hold up mine. Winston! Twenty tonnes of tea are on their way to the isles. Frankly, my dear, I have three balefire bombs just for you. And Joey, remind me what you requested?''

''Я хочу покататься на пони,'' Joseph stated plainly.

Celestia blushed, whispering softly, ''Baby, you can ride this pony anytime.''

Twilight Sparkle/The Nothingness at the End of the Universe

Twilight woke early. After one hundred-billion years, the day had finally arrived. She was getting married! Oh, it had been hard having nopony else around. The royal sisters ascended to higher planes aeons ago, Cadance exploded in a fit of passion soon after, and the other alicorns were simply dead. Now it was just her and her groom, Nothingness. He looked so alluring in his black tux. Without further ado, Twilight (an ordained minister) did all the fancy rites, then announced to her groom, ''You may now kiss me!''

At long last, she embraced the nothingness, and they became one.

Princess Big Mac/Princess Unikitty

Unikitty cried happy sparkles. ''She's so beautiful.''

''Eeyup,'' her husband agreed, nuzzling her. ''But 'tis time dear.''

''Why?!'' the chimera snapped. ''Stupid Hasbro and Lego merge; we're stuck with the fallout!'' Little brixilated droplets fell from a cloud above her.

"She's not canon darling. We're lucky they let us stay together. Sending her to the past is for the best.

''Oh Macky, you keep me positive.''

His red fur hid a blush. ''Uni, you keep me going. Let's do this together.''

They turned the crank on the time machine. The foal disappeared.

''Goodbye, Scootaloo.''

Fluttershy/Shining Armor

Twilight knocked on the door hurriedly.

''OH! COME IN!'' she heard Fluttershy yell. Twilight rushed in and...

''ME, SHINing Arm..." the pegasus's voice petered out. ''Um, hello Twilight!''

''Twily!'' Shining yelled, dismounting Fluttershy. ''Great to see you LSBFF! Wanna join us?''

Twilight's jaw hung agape. Her friend was lewdly splayed over a couch; her brother was...

''no. No. NO NO NO! NONONONONO OHCELESTIAWHY!!!'' Twilight screamed in abject horror.

''Woah, calm down sis. It's just some casual sex.''

''Yeah,'' Fluttershy added, breathing heavily, ''Bonobos do it all the time. It's natural.''

''I...but... thought that...AUGHHHHH!!!''

Photo Finish/Coco Pommel

At a discreet booth in a smoky restaraunt, Photo Finish and Hoity Toity shot the breeze.

''I don't get it Photo. You are famous. Wanted. You regularly sleep with the best and brightest in modeling. So, why this runt?''

''Dahling, my Coco Puff's no runt, just a bit inexperienced. Mark my words, zere will be a day when her designs grace ze greatest barrels in modeling.''

''But you have three apprentices. Can you handle another?''

''Dear, it iz not her fashion magick I lust for. That vill develop in time. Nein, she's got ze magicks... in bed.''

Prince Blueblood/Trash Can

They were alone now, and he found himself entranced by her majestic shiny black coat. Blueblood slid into her, her smooth wrinkled folds receiving the large stallion. She enveloped him, caressed him, held him deep within her. He sighed in ecstasy, inhaling her wonderful fishy smell...

Celestia smiled. The griffon ambassadors would be arriving soon, and the conference room looked great. Suddenly however, a trash can in the corner began to shake and moan. Celestia groaned. Not again. She trotted over and looked down into it.

''Out,'' she commanded.

''But auntieeeeeee,'' Blueblood pleaded.

''Out,'' she repeated. ''Now.''

''Spoilsport,'' he muttered.

Special Guest Author Wintergreen Diaries: Comet Tail/Lily

Somewhere over the course of the past minute or so, Lily had unintentionally stumbled upon some rather startling information when Comet Tail walked into her shop: she was partial to ponies with unusually large dongles. Comet Tail was owner of one such phallus. Being one without tact, she approached the stallion and, without hesitation, spoke her mind.

“I like your dick,” she said sweetly.

“Uh… thanks? I like it, too,” he answered, bemused. There was a short silence.

“...can we share it?” He blinked. She blinked.

“I… yeah,” he murmured, finding her forthright lack of restraint oddly adorable. “Now?”

“Now!”

Special Guest Author The_Weatherbug: Twilight/Letter to Celestia

Special Guest Author The_Weatherbug: Twilight/Letter to Celestia

Twilight slipped her love-filled words in between her lover's folds as gently as she could, letting loose a small groan of pleasure as she pressed the letter's surface to her muzzle.

She ran her tongue along the envelope's adhesive surface, licking her lips seductively.

Holding its sides tight in her grip, she examined its edges, giving it a final lick before folding it closed and kissing it ever so gently.

She giggled, "Are you ready?”

“...”

“Of course you are.” She moaned pleasurably.

“Uh… Twilight, Why are you molesting a letter?” Spike asked hesitantly from the doorway.

Special Guest Author TwinkleTail: Maud Pie/The Rock

Maud stared into the kitchen at the love of her life. It felt like hours since she’d started staring, but that didn’t matter to her. Any length of time she spent staring at him was well-spent. Some might have thought that theirs was an unconventional relationship, but she didn't care about that. He was everything she could ever want. Ever since he'd introduced himself, she knew he was the one. He was perfect. Absolutely perfect.

''What's for dinner?'' Maud called out.

''Do you smell what the Rock is cooking?'' her love called out.

Absolutely perfect.

100th Chapter Special Part 1

''You're crazy. Insane even. As Pinkie would say, you are all completely loco in the coco.''

Super Trampoline sat at a fancy table with four fancy pretty pony princesses. They were nibbling on fancy little cake and cheese slices. The cake was some weird coffee flavor, which wasn't his favorite, but the cheese wasn't half bad. Oh, and there was fruit salad too. When one is a bat pony, like Super Trampoline, it's hard to go wrong with fruit salad, every succulent citrus and magnificent melon sitting there, glistening with moisture, just waiting, begging you to bite into its juicy splendor, your fangs slicing into its sweet sugary goodness as you savor the luscious flavor, the fruit melting in your mouth as your saliva extracts every ray of sunshine exploding in your mouth, the euphoric nirvana...

''SUPER!'' Cadance barked.

''Gah! Sorry, sorry. That fruit is just really good. What's up?''

''You were telling us why we shouldn't trust you.''

''Right, right. Well, errrr, about that. I'm extremely honored that you would consider me for this mission. Especially given how I've treated the four of you in my stories. And it's pretty cool being in the heart of Canterlot castle. Last time I was here was on a fourth grade field trip, back when there were half as many field trips princesses.''

''Buuuuuut?'' Cadance prodded.

''There's no way in Tartarus--'' a collective wince ''--this will work out, pardon the expression.''

''You are pardoned,'' said a stern Luna.

Twilight spoke up. ''Super, as much as I hate, or at least strongly dislike your short stories (that one about me helping you in the human world, for example, was absolute rubbish.), you are remarkably good at shipping ponies. Freakishly good.''

''And, as is pertinent to our current predicament, other creatures,'' Celestia added.

''Exactly,'' Twilight resumed. ''Like, when I was in the human world, when I said our film technology in Equestria is very rudimentary, the girls made me watch Star Wars. Really cool movie, by the way. And famous opening scrawl? Now that you've paired it with Rainbow Dash, I can't picture it any other way! Or Smarty Pants and that Lyra plushie. Or Rarity's tail and Steven Magnet's moustache. You are equally good at working with inequine, and that's exactly what we need!''

''Look, Your Majesties, I am honored that you would consider me for this mission. Especially after that last fiasco with Twilight, though again I'd like to point out that I was not to blame for her ill-fated anti-shipping conference nor the whole kidnapping me part which somehow got written off under the dubious claims of 'diplomatic immunity' and 'mistakes were made'.''

The newest princess withered under his glare.

"But, to be honest, I'm just not sure I can pull this off. Shipping isn't my special talent! If anything, I do it because it requires little talent! I'm a musician! I have a french horn cutie mark!"

"Celestia's special talent is raising the sun, and yet she most excels at professional cake eating.''

"Hey!"

"Apologies, sister. I was simply trying to inject a bit of levity into an otherwise dour situation."

"I appreciate your attempts at humor. We shall work on your comedic timing at some other, lest dire time."

"What Luna is saying," Cadance said, picking up the train of thought, "is that what's on our haunches doesn't define who we are. We define who we are."

"Right!" Twilight interjected enthusiastically. "Take my dear friend Rarity. Look at her cutie mark.Those are diamonds! Or well, I've never seen a blue diamond, but um, gems, I guess. I should ask her about that. Anyway, she's good at locating and digging up gems, but that's just a part of her repertoire. She's built off of it into defining herself as a great fashion genius. You can do the same!"

Super raised his eyebrows. "Rousing speech, Purple Smart, but I'm a musician. A mediocre one at that. I mean, yeah, I manage the Ponytones and sing backup bass when I'm not busy being kidnapped in your basement--" another withering glare "--and play horn in the Ponyville Community College band, and this and that, and blah blah blah... but none of that has to do with what is for me at best a silly hobby. The point is, I just think you're putting an awful lot of faith in a mediocre pony."

Cadance smiled, gently folding her wing over the bat pony. "Super, you've written some amazing ships. Brilliant pairings I would never have thought of myself, and I'm kind of in charge of these things. Some jovial, some raunchy, and some sweet. You are a master at your hobby. All we're asking is for you to matchmake for real now."

"You really think I can do this?"

"Absolutely. I am confident you will succeed."

"I too, believe you will excel in this mission, Super Trampoline," Luna added.

"My little pony," Celestia began with that phrase she somehow manages to make sound endearing rather than condescending, "You have proven yourself to be ready for this test."

"Look," Twilight finished. "I still think you're batty. But if anypony can pull this off, it's you."

"Thanks girls. I think you're wrong. I think this will probably fail miserably and possibly get me killed, but I am ready to make that sacrifice for my country!"

"So you'll do it?" she asked enthusiastically.

"Yes," he said, rising from my stool to look each princess in the eye.

"I will set Tirek up on a date."

100th Chapter Special Part 2

Angel Bunny was a simple rabbit. He had simple hopes and dreams: rule the world. He had a simple modus operandi: boss Fluttershy around. He had simple needs: exquisite pampering and only the finest of salads and carrots. Yes, his life was a simple one. Until today.

Today, he stood on the front steps of Canterlot Castle, shaking in his little rabbit boots. Angel Bunny was rarely scared. Right now he was completely terrified. He swallowed his fears though, and turned around and whacked the massive door several times with a rear leg.

"thock thock thock." Though meager, the sound echoed through the normally bustling castle, now seemingly empty. He heard nothing in return. Maybe no one was home. That was probably it. He wouldn't have to complete the mission after all! Relieved, he turned to hop away.

''BOOM!'', a dull thump resounded through the air. Angel winced and turned back around. Another boom, then another, then another. They were getting louder.

''BOOM!'', yes whoever, or whatever it was, it was getting closer.

"BOOM!" Angel had been dubious of the plan from the beginning, and his self doubt was only getting stronger as the thumping did.

''BOOM!'' The ground rumbled with each stomp, and dust fell from the ancient walls of the building in front of him.

''BOOM'' Goddess, just how huge was this thing? The thunder finally stopped, and the palace door creaked open. Oh. That big. Well, time to visit the great warren in the sky. His teeth chattering, the rabbit held up a small bouquet of daffodils.

Tirek lounged on his new throne, twirling a now-unused tiara around his fingers. He hoped his date arrived soon. Equestrians were actually pretty boring to rule when they had all their magic sucked out of them. A bat pony flew up to him.

"Your mimosa, sir,;; he politely intoned.

"Ah, thank you, slave," Tirek replied, snatching another of the alcoholic beverages he had been so many millennia without. "I hope you're as good a match maker as you are a servant."

Before Super could respond, there was a distant rapid knocking sound. "Ah ha ha," Tirek deeply chuckled, "It appears we shall find out soon. Pray that you are. I'd hate to have to hoof off another broken plaything to Discord."

Tirek rose, towering even in the vast thrown room. He trotted toward the front of the palace, leaving cracks in the floor behind with his massive hooves.

He reached the front in due time, and opened the door. Tirek saw nothing there. Then he looked down. Way down. There was a little fluffy thing clinging to some flowers. That was his date? Well, Super had assured the centaur that he was the best in the business. Tirek smiled. "Hello, Angel Bunny. I've been expecting you."

Applejack Apple/Ms. Lovingcup Harshwhinny

The ponies were at an impasse.

Ms. Harshwhinny groaned. ''Ms. Apple, you have made no appearances at state-sanctioned bucking competitions. How am I to trust that you really can buck all these apples trees?''

Applejack leaned in, her taut, sweaty muscles brushing against the inspector's equally toned form. ''If you find evidence of my prowess lacking, perhaps I could give a personal demonstation. Shall I buck your apple trees?''

Lovingcup's heart fluttered in her chest, and a tingling shot through her nethers. She gruffly whispered back: ''Yes you can buck my trees, but can you do it... professionally?''

Twilight Sparkle/Matilda

A few days after the funeral they met again. A wizened young mare and grieving old jenny. Twilight engulfed the donkey in her maternal wings.

''Oh, Matilda, I am so sorry. You have been staying strong!

The jenny smiled, stifling a tear. ''It's hard, but having you around makes it a lot easier.''

''Hey, I'm the princess of friendship. Being there for ponies is my job.''

''I wish those strong wings never had to let go.''

''Uh...''

''That you could hold me close at night.''

''Matilda, we're done hugging.''

''Be MY princess of friendship!''

''Please let go.''

Sunset Shimmer/Sledgehammer

Sunset sat

in

her

crappy

chair

loft

apartment

town

world.

It was over. She had wagered everything and lost. She sighed, antsy. She needed a good fuck to calm her. But there were no fucks to be found. In fact, the furnishings were pretty threadbare--she had used her last gems months ago and was running on fumes and ramen now. She had nothing left.

Almost nothing. On an otherwise empty bookshelf sat the sledgehammer she had swiped from that construction worker last week. She eyed its long, sturdy handle and grinned.

''Well, better than Flash Sentry.''

Princess Mi Amore Cadenza/Twilight Sparkle

''So, Twilight, your brother and I are happily married.''

''Yes, I know. I'm quite happy for you two!'' Twilight grinned over her tea.

''However, lately Shining and I have been looking to, well... add some more spice to our intimacy.''

''I am suddenly very wary of where this conversation is heading.''

''We want to add a third member to our... escapades, and were hoping maybe you...''

:twilightoops: 'Eww! Gross! No. Nonono. NOOOOOOOO! Badthoughtsbadthoughtsbadthoughts!''

''John Q. Discord, Twilight! I was going to ask if you knew of any alternative lifestyle bookstores. What do you think I am, a pervert?!?''

''Maybe...''

Guest V̶i̶c̶t̶i̶m̶ Author: xjuggernaughtx/Cheerilee

The author struggled, but tape strapped him securely to the school chair. Above him, an imposing magenta figure loomed.

''Soooooo, I  hear you ship me, Juggers.''

''Please don't hurt me, Miss. I have a family!''

''Really? You should have thought about that before putting me through horrible dates.''

''I didn't think you were real!''

The school marm sauntered to her desk, grabbing a long wooden ruler. ''Oh, the pain you'll feel will be very real.'' She straddled the restrained stallion and he whinnied: ''I need an adult!''

Her whisper stank of whiskey. ''Honey, I am an adult.''

Special Guest Author moviemaster8510: Little Boy/Big Mac Plushie

Seeing the shooting star above him, little Billy giggled with his favorite Big Macintosh plushie on his stomach.

“I wish you were real.” Billy pet his doll’s mane with innocent longing.

Suddenly, the doll began to expand, its features defining. Billy whooped happily as he felt Big Mac become warm and hard with muscle and bone, now becoming the size of a large dog. Billy tried to hug his plushie as it continued coming to life, but it soon reached normal size, and happy laughs turned to muffled screams as the fully transformed Big Mac crushed Billy beneath him.

Zecora/Pinkie Pie

''Woah, Zecora, your herbs plus my baking skills make for some sweeeeet treats! We should sell these.''

Zecora leaned closer to Pinkie, both propped against a counter in Zecora's hut. ''But Pinkie dear, why sell these treats, when we could rub each other's teats!''

''Uh, Zdog, are you saying you want to... have sex?''

''Yes, Pinkie Pie, your pink canoe, I'd like paddle in my stew.''

''Your metaphors are kinda creeping me out.''

Zecora swirled her tongue in Pinkie's ear. Said ear started twitching. ''Twitchy ear!''

''Oh?''

''It means somepony's about to have sex nearby!''

Cranky Doodle/Steven Magnet

''You know hon, some of these pictures of you with Steven are awfully... touchy-feely.''

Yeah, well, those were my days of wild hedonism after I lost you. I was young, fragile, and lonely.''

''Cranky dear, are you saying you... experimented with your friend?''

''I... yes, I suppose the term 'experiment' would be correct.''

''Doodle, I am very[/i ]disappointed.''

''I know, I'm so sorry. I swear it was just a phase! We're not lovers anymore; we came to terms with--''

''Darling, you're overreacting! I'm not disappointed with you. I'm disappointed I've been missing out!''

Poindexter/Cadance

She is truth, she is beauty,

She assures the world that romance can prevail

She is youth, she is a cutie

She has deigned to grace us with the presence of her tri-hued tail.

Charity, faithful duty

Stirred with passion that fills you for days.

She is love in pony form,

Every heart of frost she'll warm

And I swear she shall be Mi Amore!

''Poindexter, that's a very nice poem.''

''Thanks Shining. I have a passion for poetry.''

''About Cadance.''

''Well, yes, I have a passion for Cadance.''

''Poindexter?''

''Yes?''

''Tread carefully, lest your liver mysteriously implode.''

Special Guest Author Horse Voice: Aria Blaze/The Devil

In a burst of hellfire, the Devil appeared in the sirens' mansion. ''I have come to claim my mortal vessel,'' he said.

''Oh, that,'' Aria said, wrinkling her nose at the smell of brimstone. ''It's in the morgue.''

''What?''

''I did have it, but I drowned it for the insurance.''

''What!''

''I waited a while, but you took too long to keep your end of the deal.''

''WHAT!''

''I told you, I hate children.''

A high, iron scream of rage echoed across the dimensions as the Prince of Darkness fled to the underworld.

''Everyone's a critic,'' Aria said.

Lyra/Bon Bon and Vinyl/Octavia

''Hey, Bon Bon, does something feel different today?''

''You mean beyond the lack of bugbears?''

''Dear, most days are bugbear-free.''

''Oh, I suppose they are. Anyway, not really. Why?''

''Well, I just get the feeling that today we're more than best friends.''

''More than best friends? Is that even possible, Lyra?''

''It is now.''

''Oh, really?''

''Yeah, really. Sweetie will... will you marry me?

''Gladly.''

''Hey, Vinyl.''

''Yo.''

''I...I've been thinking about our relationship within the context of recent events.''

''Oh?''

''I don't want to be your fillyfriend anymore.''

''Uh...''

''I want to be your wife.''

Special Guest Author Bendy: Rarity And The Handsome Lobster

One lovely sunny day, Rarity walked out her front door with a rather soulful look on her face. Held in her magic was a black garbage bag.

She gasped in shock when a handsome, red alien lobster man jumped from the dumpster with filthy doctor clothes. He smelled of garbage.

''Whoop whoop whoop! Let me eat that garbage for you, milady,'' he said with bedroom eyes, clicking claws excitedly.

''Oh Zoidberg! Such a gentleman!''

Overcome with his handsomeness, Rarity lunged forward into a passionate kiss.

On that day Rarity and Zoidberg got married and had many mutant freak babies together.

Guest Author Fortnight: Shining Armor/Octavia by TittySparkles

‘’Lick my hooves please. I stepped in some mud,’’ Octavia spoke to Shining Armor as she came to a stop and lifted her back legs.

‘’I am a total idiot so I will totally obey you!’’ Shining Armor responded in a dopey voice before he bent over and slobbered all over Octavia’s hooves.

A sudden knock came at the bedroom door.

‘’What!?’’ a sobbing and slightly senile Cadence answered, slamming her gray earth pony and white unicorn doll to her bed. ‘’I said I don’t wish to be disturbed while I vent over my stupid husband leaving me!''

Guest Author Fortnight: Rainbow Dash/Phoenix Wright's Attorney Badge by LeoneHaxor

Phoenix Wright sighed contently. He had just come back from the weirdest case of his career – getting a pegasus off of a murder charge – and he was looking forwards to some R and R. Which was, inevitably, interrupted by an unexpected thump.

He froze. Someone had broken into his office. Carefully, he moved towards the door and peeked his head around...

...to see Rainbow Dash was making out with his attorney's badge.

''Oh, baby,'' she panted. ''You're so good at this...''

Then froze as she noticed Phoenix staring at her, eyes widened.

''...''

''...''

Phoenix took a deep breath. ''OBJECTION!''

Guest Author Fortnight: Spike/Ms. Lovingcup Harshwhinny by Skywriter

Spike kicked awkwardly at the runway of the pole vault.

''It’s just… ever since I saved the Games from that ice cloud, I see you looking at me. I thought it was gratefulness, but now it’s like you want something more from me. If you can’t say what, could you at least give me a signal?''

Lovingcup Harshwhinny stared at the dragon, eyes smoldering. She ripped off her blazer and turtleneck with her teeth and threw herself onto the foam of the landing pit.

''This is the signal,'' she breathed. ''I’m giving you the signal now.''

Guest Author Fortnight: Iron Will/Cadance by Crowley

''...But wait, there's more!'' the minotaur flexed his muscles toward the pink alicorn in her royal doorway, ''if you order a steamy night out with yours truly RIGHT NOW, not only will the restaurant's bill be covered in its entirety, but I'll also throw in a sensual hoof massage and post-coitus back rub! A beautiful mare like yourself demands nothing less, after all. Whaddya say?'' He sealed the deal with a wink, ''Want some minotaur action?''

Cadance, for the first time during Will's speech, had the chance to speak; ''I'm married.''

''Oh. Never mind. Toodles!''

Guest Author Fortnight: You/Batpone by Rust

''Wow.''

Finally, the silence is broken.  Your bedmate reclines back into the pillow.  ''Yep.''  Her reptilian eyes, still half-lidded, gaze out the window.

''So, was that thing with the teeth normal for you guys, or...?''

She tiredly shrugs.  ''Oh yeah."

"Am I gonna turn into a vampire or something?  Grow fangs and suck blood?"  You joke, nudging her lightly in the side.

To your surprise, she nods.  ''Transformation should be complete in two or tree weeks, babe.''

Your heart drops.  ''What!?''

She grins.

''Well, you know what they say.  Once you go bat... you never go back.''

Guest Author Fortnight: Sunset Shimmer/Luna by The Abyss

''Why choose me over my sister, Sunset?" Luna asked, running her hoof through her marefriend's hair. ''Surely she is prettier than I...''

''I could never date your sister, Luna," Sunset replied, nuzzling her on the cheek. She smiled as she felt Luna pull her closer with her wing, so she leaned into her neck. She closed her eyes and sighed deeply, her heart pumping fast from what she was about to say.

"Besides...''

"What?''

"It's quite apparent that your ass is bigger than hers. I like big butts and I cannot lie!"

Youtube Video

Guest Author Fortnight: Prince Blueblood/Prince Blueblood by Hoopy McGee

Prince Blueblood stopped, transfixed by the vision before him.

''My word,'' he breathed. ''Never have I seen a pony so magnificent, so beautiful!'' He took a trembling step closer. ''Could it be? Have I finally found the pony meant for me?''

Behind him, his personal valet let out a long-suffering sigh. A nearby maid, who had long since given up on dusting, glanced at him out of the corner of her eye.

''Does this happen often?'' she asked.

''Every time he sees a mirror,'' the valet replied.

''Take me, I'm yours!'' Blueblood cried over the sound of breaking glass.

Guest Author Fortnight: Lauren Faust/Twilight Sparkle by ponichaeism

It was the dead of night when Lauren Faust locked the door to her workroom, heart pounding in her throat. What would her husband, nay, society say if they knew of this? Nothing good. But her rapturous desires could not be denied.

She went to her desk, where her magical unicorn waited. With a loving hand, Lauren touched up Twilight's curves. The beautiful, bashful, bookish pony looked up at her, her face shining with passion, and batted a pair of bedroom eyes at her.

''Lauren,'' Twilight said breathlessly, ''when I'm with you, you really make me come alive.''

Queen Chrysalis/A Windigo

''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!'' yelled Chrysalis as she hurtled north following her failed invasion. After what felt like forever, the ground was finally coming closer again.

''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--'' *POOMPH!* The changeling queen landed in a deep snowbank.

Her heart already frozen, she merely righted herself and grimaced. ''Great, now instead of blunt force trauma offing me, I'm going to freeze to death. Just great.''

But from the snowy wastes, that heart attracted a windigo, content to feed upon Chrysalis's abject hate for pretty much everything. It enjoyed her presence, nay, it loved her.

And she ate that love.

They were both happy.

Boulder/Dr. Caballeron

''Boulder,'' Doctor Caballeron almost whispered in hushed tones of revere, ''All my life I've been searching. For a long time, I thought it was treasure I was after. But the appeal of wealth proved ephemeral. Then I strove to find, to conquer, capture, and gloat over Daring Do, but she proved elusive as well.''

He drew closer to the small rock. ''But now, staring into your solid complexion, I see what I should have sought all along:

''Love.''

''Alright, you two have fun on your playdate,'' Maud Pie said, turning to leave as kissing noises rang in her ears.

Chromatic Blitz/His Self-Insert OC

''Oh Chromatic Blitz, Rainbow sighed, how can you possibly be so very sexy?''

''I can't help it. It's my burden to bear, babe, but I'm glad to bear it if it means shagging the fastest mare in Equestria.''

''Mmmm, I love it when you talk--

''Whatcha writing, Blitzy?!

''Gah! Nothing. Nothing at all, Bubble Berry. What are you doing here!?''

''You're in my room, using my typewriter. I live here, silly stallion.''

''Oh yah, huh. But I'm not writing anything. Definitely.''

''Uh huh. Hey, Rainbow Dash? Gee I wonder who THAT could be!''

''Pleasedon'ttellDuskShine!''

Nightmare Moon/Princess Mi Amore Cadenza

''Once upon a time there was an angry space horse who was really horny because she hadn't gotten laid in like literally a thousand years so I flew up to the moon and shagged her all day on the longest day of the year so we are talking like sixteen hours of sweaty hot moon horse action and then she was like 'Finally I have been sexually released!' and that's how I turned Nightmare Moon back into Princess Luna. The end.''

''Ew, Mom, seriously? Gross. That is not what went down.''

''You weren't there, Flurry Heart. Shush.''

Spitfire/Tree Hugger

''So you like, fly and stuff, yeah?''

''Babe, I can hit 20,000 feet before these bad girls--'' Spitfire flapped her wings-- ''give out. But I wanna hear about the flying you do.''

''Yeah, mare, right on. I can take you flying on another dimension.''

''You mean, the horizontal one?''

''Yes, the astral plane. We can float there in our good vibes and kid-friendly drug references.''

''Oh, I was talking about the bed.''

''Woah there, the only thing I wanna share right now is this tab. I'm getting some over-eager sexual emotions from you, and it's really harshing my chakras.''

Apple Bloom/Red and Black Alicorn OC Donut Steel Part 3

Apple Bloom trotted home, a little unsteady. Whatever Sweetie had given her at the rave, it was powerful stuff. AJ wouldn’t approve, but she didn’t need big sis’s permission--she was nineteen, dammit!

As she crossed a bridge in the Lower Gardens district, she questioned if she was still hallucinating, because lying on the road ahead was a really garish red and black stallion. Could it be...?

She cantered over to the prone figure, relieved to see breathing. But when she nudged his head, she was shocked by whose eyes groggily stared at her--Donut Steel's!

`''Help me...''

Twilight Sparkle/Sunset Shimmer

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Mulia Mild/Fleetfoot

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Twilight Sparkle/Consenticles

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

The Shadowbolts/Soarin

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Drone Pony/Princess Unikitty

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Rainbow Dash/Pinkie Pie/Euphemisms

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Mudbriar/Cadance

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Tempest Shadow/Twilight Velvet

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Elton Bon/Rarity (suggested by Bicyclette)

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Sunny Starscout/Alphabittle Blossomforth (Triple Length Edition Because Rules Were Made to be Broken and Also This is the First G5 Ship!)

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Trixie Lulamoon/Sunny Starscout (feat. Twilight Sparkle)

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Special Guest Author Eddepicman: Twist/King Sombra

Twist worked in the local Ponyville sweet-shop, ever since losing her best friend. She wished for some handsome gentleman to break down that front door and whisk her off her hooves. At that moment, King Sombra burst down the door and took her front hoof.

"Madame, would you like to go on a date?"

They left the sweet-shop, and headed towards Sugarcube Corner. They laughed together, ate delicious treats offered by the Cakes, and drank some cider. They rode off in Sombra's chariot, without a care in the world. The night was perfect.

And then they banged.

Special Guest Author Trials: Celestia/Cake

“How is your meal, darling?” Celestia asked, finishing the remains of her cake.

The cake in the chair refused to respond.

“Well, I never...” Celestia dismissed. “Are you even going to eat that?” she asked, pointing to the cake in front of him. Her date said nothing.

“No, 'tis not cannibalism when it’s delicious!” Celestia cried, narrowing her eyes. “You make me sick. Who wouldn’t eat a wonderful cake like that?” Her hoof shot forward, taking his meal. She ate it all in mere seconds. Her stomach growled; she hungered for more. Her date did look rather delicious...

Guest Author Fortnight: Luna/Cerberus by Eakin

‘‘Everypony loves puppies, and is it so odd that a long-time prisoner and a prison guard would form a special bond? His leftmost head was quite eloquent in our discussions on issues of law and justice. Then later that night, well, the fourth head did the talking,'’ said Luna.

Celestia’s mind raced through press strategies and damage control options, if only to try to block out the looming image forming in her brain. Perhaps she could limit it to ‘scandal of the century’ rather than ‘millennium.’

Luna wasn’t helping. ‘’And by fourth head, I of course mean his

Guest Author Fortnight: Zamairiac/Celestia by Zamairiac

Zamairiac stood within the chambers of the mysterious, impossibly smexy Alicorn know only to you and I as Princess Celestia, contemplating just why it was that the mare (who was old enough to be his grandmother many times over) had invited him in there to begin with.

The door opened behind him and Celestia walked on through, a sly grin on her muzzle as she reached him swiftly.

“Oh Zamairiac,” she cooed. “Your stories are so realistic that I fell in love with you instantly. Please, diddle me!''

Her eye twitched.

Zamairiac looked at her for five seconds…

“Fucking karma.''

Guest Author Fortnight: Blue Oyster/Cowbell by FanOfMostEverything

The final bell rang. Blue Oyster wasn't leaving. She was where she should be, with her soulmate. Her hand slid lovingly over his body.

''Blue?''

She shoved him in her locker, jolted upright, and turned to her bandmates. ''Ditzy! Raspberry!'' She forced a smile. ''What brings you here?''

Ditzy Doo gave her—and a nearby trash can—a flat look. ''My locker's next to yours.''

Raspberry Fluff raised an eyebrow. ''Are you—''

''No!'' Blue blushed.

Ditzy smirked. ''Sure. And you definitely weren't about to make out with your cowbell again.''

''You don't understand what we have!''

Cassie the Kelpie/I Don't Give the Pony Any Identifying Characteristics So It Honestly Doesn't Even Matter. It Was Originally Roseluck, But That Felt Like a Waste.

''So, Cassie, I hear you almost flooded Ponyville.''

''Yes, I... regret that decision. I was not of sound mind.''

''Hey, we all make mistakes. I mean, I once went on a date with Cheerilee!''

''Was this 'Cheerilee' particularly evil?''

''Oh, hardly! She's a great mare. But the date was just a complete disaster!''

''I fail to see how our situations are similar.''

''What I'm saying is that I relate to you, Cassie. Tortured souls like you and me, we gotta stick together!''

''Uh huh. Are you done swimming in my lake?''

''Hardly! Now I'm swimming in love!''

Double Length Pilot: Fluttershy/Rarity

"Oh Fluttershy, this corset is so tight. And, dare I say... slutty. No dear, I'm afraid I can't wear this."

Fluttershy slapped the mare in front of her. "Rarity, you WILL wear this. And put these socks on too. I hope they are slutty enough for a mare like you."

Rarity knew her place, and though embarrassed, dutifully pulled the sensual thigh-high garments onto her hooves, in fact trying to hide her perverse eagerness.

"Good girl," the dominatrix cooed. "Now before our session begins, I need you to get some carrots from the market for Angel Bunny please."

Rarity gasped. "You want me to go out in public in this getup? That would be scandalous!"

Fluttershy shrugged. "The gossip would be nothing new. Now, do you want to wear a collar too? With a dog tag for my little bitch?"

"No mistress. I... --I'll go."

Rarity slowly walked up the stairs from Fluttershy's basment, loath to face a certainly humiliating scene in the marketplace. But the truth was, as she trotted shyly towards her reckoning, she felt excitement stirring --in her loins.

Winona/Opalescence

''Rarity's Pussy Tastes Like Yesterday's Garbage!'' the headline screamed.

''Aaaaaaaaa!'' Rarity screamed. ''Have you girls read this?!? It claims my pussy's fur 'feels like sandy shag carpet'!This is libelous! I wash my pussy and comb its hair every week! But now I'm never getting laid again! This is the Worst. Possible. Th--''

''Rarity!'' Twilight interupted. ''Read the rest of the article!''

...earlier...

''Thanks Winona!'' Featherweight said. ''This story about you chasing and biting Opalescence will make a great editorial column!''

''Woof. Woof!''

Rarity finished reading. ''Ugggghhhhh!!! Why are bitches always trying to eat my pussy?''

Rainbow Dash/Star Wars Opening Crawl

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...

It   is    a    period    of    civil    war.   Rebel

spaceships,   striking     from    a     hidden

base,   have    won     their     first    victory

against     the     evil       Galactic    Empire.

During the battle, Rainbow Dash managed

to  steal   secret  plans   to  the  Empire's...

''RAINBOW DASH!!!'' Twilight shouted.

''What?'' the brave  pegasus  deadpanned

as     she     scrolled     along.     ''I     love

STAR   WARS!  I've  always   wanted  this.

Can't    you    be   happy   for    me    Twi?''

''Not when you're mating with the opening crawl! Stop it Dash! The movie's about to start!''

''Such       a        party        pooper  .  .  .   ''

50th Chapter Special Part 1

Across the land, under the afternoon sun, ponies and non-ponies alike were opening their mailboxes to find a mysterious note from the newest princess.

Dearest subject:

If you are receiving this letter, it means a pony by the name of Super Trampoline has been writing horrible short romantic fiction about you, as he has about scores of other ponies, myself included. I and others affected will be convening in the Ponyville town hall to discuss what to do about this libel, defamation, and generally trashy writing. This gathering will take place this coming Saturday the 16th at 2:00 p.m.. If you cannot make it, please send a representative in your place, because reasons. Enclosed you will also find a copy of the story (or in some cases stories) he has written about you. I eagerly await our meeting.

Yours Truly, Her Royal Highness Princess Twilight "I Love Books" Sparkle

Across the land, under the afternoon sun, ponies and non-ponies alike were reading what Super Trampoline had written about them. Among the many, two in particular were especially vocal: "WHY DOES EVERYPONY THINK I'M GAY?!?" Rainbow Dash and Braeburn simultaneously yelled from several hundred miles apart.

Rarity/A Body Pillow

''I love you, my prince!'' Rarity said as she spun round the room, her lover in her arms.

''I love you too,'' she said for the pillow she held. Blueblood’s face smiled at her. ''Shall we kiss?''

''Oh, Blueblood, you scoundrel, you!'' Rarity giggled to herself. ''A lady never kisses on the first date.''

''Perhaps an exception--'' A cough rang out from the doorway.

''Sweetie Belle?''

Sweetie stared wide-eyed at her sister.

Rarity tossed the pillow to the floor and cleared her throat. ''Let us never speak of this again.''

Sweetie grinned viciously. ''On one condition...''

''UGH! Stupid blackmail!''

Special Guest Author Chaotic Note: Twilight Sparkle/Hoenn Trumpet

Special Guest Author Chaotic Note: Twilight Sparkle/Hoenn Trumpet

"Flash Sentry, don't leave me!" Twilight cried.

"I'm in love with Carrot Cake. Sorry."

Twilight fell to the floor of her home in tears as his well-shaped flank left out the door. She then heard her someone walk up from behind.

"Forget him. You have me."

Twilight turned to see a brass trumpet with hands and legs. He wore a green and white beanie. "Oh Hoenn Trumpet-kun!"

Trumpet-kun carried Twilight to her throne. "Lemme sing you the song of my people."

"Oh talk dirty to me!"

Guest Author Fortnight: Gummy/Inanimate Object by Pen Stroke

‘’What is love? Is it simply the hormonal drive to reproduce? Is it simply nature calling us to ensure the survival of our species, though in the end ever line of succession will be lost to the unrelenting march of time? Or is it something more? Is this patter I feel in my chest the gentle fluttering of my very soul? If I had wings, would I fly to the heavens to sing your name to the stars, sun, and moon? I would like to believe I would, oh object of my affection.’’

Gummy stared intently at the rubber duck.

Flash Sentry/Carrot Cake

Carrot Cake arrived at his bakery one morning to find a note taped to the front door: ''Honey, I can't take it anymore. I'm leaving and taking the kids. ~XOXO Cup Cake''

He broke down crying, but soon felt a gentle hoof on his shoulder. He looked up to see a very hoofsome pegasus guard staring at him with starry eyes. His mare may have left him, but he didn't care anymore. He had finally found Mr. Right.

''Hey stud,'' the orange and blue stallion crooned seductively. ''Wanna flash my sentry?''

Carrot Cake swooned. This was love.

(College!) Applebloom/Black and Red Alicorn OC Donut Steel

(College!) Applebloom/Black and Red Alicorn OC Donut Steel

''Ahh don't get it. How do you exist?'' Apple Bloom asked the garish pegacorn above her. ''Y'all 're like the princesses, 'xcept uglier.''

''I don't exist sweetie,'' he replied. ''I'm a figment of somepony's imagination. Then again, so are you.''

''Okay. Next question: why are you glued to the ceiling?''

Donut Steel blushed. This was not his proudest moment. ''Some ponies aren't real fond of my type,'' he explained.

''That's not nice. Ah think we should be accepting of all ponies,'' Apple Bloom said.

''You and me both kid. You and me both.''

Gilda/Princess Mi Amore Candenza

Cadence (or was it it CadAnce?) was heart-broken. Shining Armor had run off with that Cup Cake tramp-no-good-whore-slut-husband-stealer, and left her to cry into her royal pillow.

Suddenly, a griffon crashed through the picture window of her Crystal Empire castle. ''A sign from the Goddesses!'' Cadence blurted out, forgetting that she sort-of was one.

Gilda groaned as she got up. ''Ughhh! What dweeb built a pansy pink pony castle in my flight path to the Griffon empire?'' she complained.

Cadence smiled and cast a love spell. Gilda might not be a knight in shining armor. But she was close enough.

Queen Chrysalis/Tom

Tom awoke, unable to move, or communicate, as always. Really, his life sucked pretty hard; lives of sapient rocks often do. But suddenly, he saw a tall black alicorn mare with swiss cheese legs strut by.

"Ugh, everypony hates me now!" yelled Chrysalis. "How will I get any love?"

"I don't hate you," thought Tom. "In fact, I think you're beautiful."

Suddenly, Chrysalis felt love... coming from a rock? But desperate times called for desperate measures.

"Kids," said Tom, "that's how I met your mother."

Angel Bunny/Fluffle Puff

It was their two month anniversary, and Angel Bunny as usual was quite unhappy. The food was taking forever to arrive, and he tapped his foot incessantly. Fluffle Puff shuffled closer, and started chewing on Angel's napkin. They were an odd couple for sure, but ever since Dan had offed Chryssi in a fit of rage, the two had been inseparable.

Finally, the spaghetti arrived. ''GASP!'' went Fluffle, and she immediately dug in, getting spaghetti sauce on her muzzle. Angel did as well. They ended up chewing the same piece. Fluffle kept chewing, eventually leading to a kiss.

''Pttttttttttthbt.''

The Great and Powerful Trixie/Wheel

       "Oh wheel," TGaPT moaned as she curled her tongue around one of her lover's spokes. "I was wrong not to trust you. Will you ever forgive me?"

     "Of course Trixie. It's okay. We're together now, my beautiful magician. That's what counts." His sturdy frame rolled over her supple body, and she screamed in pleasure.

     "OH YES WHEELIE! I LOVE IT WHEN YOU TREAD ON ME YOU FILTHY CIRCULAR BEAST!"

     "I love you too! I'm gonna roll all over you! UGHH! I'M ROLLING SO HARD!"

50th Chapter Special Part 2

It was early Saturday afternoon, and ponies and a few non-ponies were trickling into the town hall. Twilight was pacing nervously because that's what she does, but she was quite happy to see the writing samples she had sent out were horrendous enough to actually convince ponies (and non-ponies) to show up. The fact that nopony (or non-pony she again reminded herself) wants to disobey a princess might have also had a hoof in the high attendance. Fortunately, Super Trampoline lived in Ponyville and didn't seem to know too many individuals outside of the village, so travel was not a disincentive for many. All in all, things were going smoothly. She was Twilight Sparkle, she was a princess, and she was NOT going to buck this up!

She did however, as a door got ripped off its hinges, question her decision to invite the hydra. Oh well. The creature didn't seem to be eating anypo-- anyone. She wondered whether some of her other more curious invites would show up: A diamond dog representative, Queen Crysalis, and King Sombra among others.

She looked at the clock: 2:01. As much as it pained her to not start on time, she knew lesser people were not as chronologically well-adjusted as she, and she snorted in impatience. And waited. And waited. And waited.

Darnit, it was 2:05. MORE than enough waiting. It was time to address these ponies people who were definitely not all ponies.

She stepped up to the microphone she had borrowed from Vinyl Scratch, and addressed the crowd:

"Ladies and Gentlestallions, I'm sure you all know why you are here already, so let's get right to business. We should form a plan of action, but first, as is the proper thing to do, I should take roll...

50th Chapter Special Part 6: The Propreantepenultimate Part of This Drawn-Out Story Arc

        Now, as for how Twilight regathered a bunch of ponies who had just been spooked by a bomb-threat back into the town hall, I'm afraid the answer is quite run of the mill. She bribed them. She had awkwardly flown up onto the town hall roof, and announced to the masses, "Those of you who are part of the Anti-Shipping Convention, please regather in the town hall in twenty minutes. Sugarcube Corner will be providing free snacks, and not those wimpy half-assed snacks you usually find at conventions either: There will be cake and actually decent coffee and yummy donuts and stuff. So please regather; the convention will resume in twenty minutes.''

        After she landed back on the ground, she was approached by a worried Pinkie Pie. "Twilight!" the mare said, "What the heck? We can't afford to just give away free food willy-nilly!"

        While Twilight wanted to say something like "That never stops you from throwing parties, does it?" instead she smiled and said "Oh no, of course Pinkie. I have a royal catering stipend I'll pay you from. Sound good?"

        "Okie-Dokie-Norse God, Twilight!" Pinkie replied, and cheerfully hopped away to Sugarcube Corner to start gathering food.

        Twilight spotted her brother and his wife making out in an alleyway. Gross. “Ewww, guys, stopped necking. Get a room for goodness sake.

        “Oh, hi Twilight,” Cadance said cheerfully while her husband continued to stick his tongue in her ear, “wanna join us? There’s room for one more.”

        Twilight blanched. “1). Cadance, you are disgusting. 2). I can never tell how serious you are being, given I know for a fact for reasons I wish I could forget that you are kinky as Tartarus, and that’s creepy. 3). That joke is overused and too easy and you know it. I’m dissappointed Cadance. I expected more from you.”

        Cadance looked crestfallen. “You’re right. ‘I’m disappointed Cadance. I expected more from you.’ must run in the family, because Shiny said same exactly thing last night in bed.”

        Shining removed his tongue from her ear and glared. “Hey you’re taking my words completely out of context. I didn’t realize those eggs would break so easily.”

        Twilight made a :twilightoops: face and laughed nervously. “Riiiiight um so, Shining, could you be my bouncer? Now that I’ve advertised free treats, I need you to make sure only people I actually invited show up. Think you could do that for me BBBFF?”

        Shining perked up. “Oh, of course Twily. Just give me the list of ships, and I’ll do the rest.” Turning to Cadance, he whispered, “You’re mine tonight. Meet in the clocktower at midnight and I’ll really ring your bell. If you know what I mean.”

        Cadance tittered and pecked him on the cheek. “Yes, I know what you mean. Now go help Twilight with her little shipfest. I’ll be mingling in the crowd checking on how the REAL couples are doing. Might as well do some relationship counselling since I’m there, right?”

        Twilight smiled. “Thanks Bro. Thanks Sis-in-Law!”

        The three of them parted ways.

...Meanwhile, at the front of a line in Canterlot Castle...

''Please Princess,'' Super Trampoline pleaded, ''You gotta help me! Your 'faithful student' Twilight threatened to kidnap me. I only wrote those stupid ships for fun. She's taking them entirely too seriously though!''

Celestia raised one eyebrow in puzzlement. ''My little pony, while I respect your concern, I believe YOU to be the one overreacting. Twilight would never do such a thing. I sent my sister Luna there to represent herself and I, and I believe that she shall see to it that no crazy shenanigans occur. She is after all, quite level headed,'' the princess added with a wink.

Super gulped. He was doomed.

''Oh, by the way,'' the princess said, leaning in close to the author's ear conspiratorially, ''Don't tell anypony else, but I personally enjoy your ships. The one with Rainbow Dash and the Star Wars opening crawl was especially clever."

Super smiled. "Your secret is safe with me, Princess."

50th Chapter Special Part 9.1: The Penultimate Part Part 1: The Beginning of the End: Finally Done With The List: Subtitles are Magic

50th Chapter Special Part 9.1: The Penultimate Part Part 1: The Beginning of the End: Finally Done With The List: Subtitles are Magic

''...Aaaaand, Lyra, you are accounted for. Might I suggest you talk to Taco Tuesday about your, um, fetish for humans. She may be able to help you reconcile with Bonbon. Huh.''

This ''Huh'' emanated from Twilight's vocal chords in response to the fact that ''Average Persony/Their Significant Other'' was the most recent ship Super had published. Actually, it was written by one of his friends apparently, but Super's condoning it was crime enough. But that was beside the point. Twilight Sparkle was done with the damn roll call. It had only taken WAY TOO LONG.

Elated, Twilight cleared her voice and activated The Royal Canterlock Voice. She didn't want to deafen her fellow shipping victims, so she set it on small caps mode: Fellow ponies and other creatures! I have at long last completed roll call and ascertained who is and isn't here! I can now connect this end of the portal, and our glorious meeting of minds may commense in determining what shall be done regarding this literary ruffian. And... um... that is all.''

As soon as she had finished the the announcement (which was answered by frenzied applause from the remaining ponies), Twilight began sniffing the air around her. *Sniff sniff* ''Where is it? I know it's here somewhere.'' *Sniff Sniff, Snort!* ''Aha! Found it!''

Those now noticing Twilight's odd behavior watched in morbid fascination as she started snapping her teeth at the air. *Chomp! Bite!* ''Come on, grab!'' *SNAP!* ''Uhu, Gtt tt!'' Twilight mumbled through gritted teeth. She braced all four of her legs against the floor and pulled backwards hard, her jaw still clamped down on some invisible object. She struggled, strained, and flew backwards, prevailing over whatever force had opposed her. Springing from a singular point out of nowhere, pulled out of the ether and into existence, accompanied by sparks, gurgling noises, and a large amount of magical haze, was the other end of the portal.

Twilight let go of the expanding rip in space time and landed on her butt a celeste away. ''Yes, success!'' she declared. She then hopped into her creation, and dissappeared into the past.

Surrounded by the slowly dissipating arcane fog, no one had noticed when a shadowy figure climbed in ahead of her.

eleven minutes and thirty seconds ago...

Trixie hopped into the worm hole to the future and disappeared. Twilight began to ask the wheel how it was doing, when Twilight popped out of the wormhole. ''Oh cool, I'm back where I was!'' She looked around and locked eyes with the original Twilight. ''Oh my gosh, it's me!'' they shouted in unison. Suddenly, a second pony fell out of the vortex. Looking bedraggled and (emotionally) scarred, it was a third Twilight. ''Come with me if you want to live,'' she declared in a heavy Faustrian accent. Then she added ''Nah, just kidding. Just letting you guys from the past know that I hooked up the other side and the link is working now.'' She said this to the audience, but then realized that they were all silent. Too silent for this just to be a reaction to a second Twilight appearing. She slowly turned around, and saw two more Twilights, one more than she should have.

''Wait just a minute!'' Twilight declared. ''Why are there three of us now?'' However, before she could be answered, a fourth Twilight flew in a wobbly fashion through an open window and down onto the stage. All three other Twilights stared at her, mouths agape.

''Okay, kids. This is where it gets complicated.''

Guest Authors Wanted: A Message From Twilight Sparkle

Hello everypony! Twilight here, with some exciting news! I'd let Super tell you it himself, but he's tied up at the moment, a state which will probably last another week while I interrogate interview him. So without further ado:

We're looking for a few guest authors for guest author week!

That's right readers! We have reached an agreement to let guest authors work on these while I decide how to punish him for his crimes against fiction. So if you want participate, just PM him your awful 100 word shipfic. It's that simple!

Toilet Sparkle/Flush Sentry

Principal Celestia frowned. Luna must have been loading up on beef burritos last night, because the woman's toilet in the staff lounge was clogged AGAIN. Sighing, she reached for the walkie talkie on her belt. ''Discord. I hate to bother you now, but...''

A few minutes later, the janitor appeared, plunger in one hand, toilet declogger and cleaner bottles in the other. He poured the liquids into the toilet, where they stewed in shit for a few minutes, before flushing the whole affair down the toilet. Toilet Sparkle and Flush Sentry were united forever in the sewer of love.

Applejack/Cadance

''Cadance, now that y'all's pesky husband's dining with tha' earth worms, it's just you an' me, rulin' your Crystal Kingdom.''

Cadance sighed, her marefriend lying lazily next to her in a hammock, swinging between two crystal cherry trees. They made her think of Applejack's cherry--that is, the one Applejack was eating. Her reverie was interupted by AJ's twangy voice.

''Caddy, I wanna ask you somethin' right her, right now. Answer me plainly: will you marry me?''

Cadance tittered. ''Oh Applejack, such a silly pony. You may be my lover, but Gilda's my wife.''

Special BABSCon Edition: Golden Gates </3 Final Draft

''It's over! Go away Draft. I'm dumping your sorry blue posterior.'' Golden headbutted the media pony out the door, ending a tenuous-at-best weekend fling.

''No! Goldie! Don't leave me!'' Final pleaded, searching for a boombox to play outside her window.

''Why not?'' the mascot pony asked as she deadbolted her door. ''What do you provide that I can't get from other, less jerky ponies, hmmm?''

''I, well, um... make things interesting?''

''Yeah, no. Goodbye Draft. Don't come back.''

Golden flipped through her address book, looking for somepony new. ''Now Violet Dreams, she's pretty cute.

Special Guest Author xjuggernaughtx: (Older) Spike/Twilight Sparkle

“Lube?”

“Check!”

“Prophylactics?”

“Check!”

“Aerosol whipped cream?”

“Check!”

“Ball gag?”

“Twilight, could we just—”

“Spike, we’ve been over this! We need to make sure everything is organized properly. Part of that is making sure we have the supplies we need. Ball gag?”

“Sigh. Check.”

“Six by ten poster of Crackle taped to the ceiling?”

“Ugh. Check, I guess.”

“Sensual Mathematics flashcards?”

“Twilight, it’s kind of going down.”

“Think about Rarity or something. We’re halfway through the list. You know I can’t finish without those cards; do we have them or not?!”

“Oh, for pete’s sake—”

Rarity Belle/G3 Rainbow Dash

''Rainbow, oh my gosh, you actually came to my fall line release party! And... you dressed up?''

''Of course darling. I love fashion more than you. And I always dress in style.''

Rarity scrunched her brow. ''Come again?''

''Oh darling, I just love dressing up. Fashion is my passion.''

Rarity was suspicious. This seemed too good to be true. ''Rainbow, please remove your clothes.''

Rainbow giggled. ''In public? You naughty mare.'' But she complied. Off slipped her dress and...no wings.

Rarity sighed. ''Wrong generation.'' Which meant...

...Elsewhere...

Cheerilee backed away slowly. ''Please, Rarity, stop trying to duet with me.''

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