I Felt, Therefore I Was

by Cynical

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 5127

Work has begun on a new project for Twilight Sparkle and it will change her life forever.

Twilight Sparkle has been in Ponyville for just over seven years and is left to do her own research and conduct her own projects by herself. Her very first project seems to be about to boost Equestria several giant leaps into the future, or perhaps it'll only drag Twilight back further.

Authors Note: When writing dark, you can only watch and wonder how deep the rabbit hole can go. Also, this story is written in a different format than others, so it may seem quite odd... Hell, it seems odd to me and I'm writing it.

Hopefully to be updated daily

Published 2013-10-24 19:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-30 01:14:02 UTC

3. Cutting Ties

The Journal of Twilight Sparkle – 20th October 1007

The experiment proved to be a success. I have managed to gather several pages of notes upon the various receptors and sensors that control our bodies and mind. They’re all connected. They all share a central hub; it’s amazing. It’s like our minds have this huge switch that tells us when we’re feeling something and when it’s another scenario entirely. I’m not quite sure how to explain it without including the picture that I just witnessed.

Suffice it to say that this spell is going to be a lot easier to theorise than I originally thought. Even through there might be a slight amount of trial and error as I have to sort thought the background thoughts in order to get the results that I intend. I was correct in my original assumption that each emotion has a clear pattern of synapses that must be triggered in order to trigger the emotion itself.

In other news, I’m worried about my assistant. I explained the risk to them and they simply looked nonplussed at the information, some of which would have turned even me off my food. I was left wondering whether they’d even heard me explain the dangers to them. Were it not for the fact that I need a second mind to work with and on, I would have refused to work with them outright.

The other alternatives are scarce though, that’s the issue. I could ask for volunteers, but I have an inkling that it will produce some less-than-viable candidates for the testing that is going to ensue in a couple of weeks. The last alternative is something which I shall turn to if there is no other option; that is… if they continue to pay no regard to the risks of this project, no matter how great the reward is; I cannot risk their lives for my own motives.

To the success of the project,
Twilight Sparkle.

6. Going Strong

The Journal of Twilight Sparkle – 14th November 1007

Here we are, a month since I started this project. This seemed to me like an excellent time to sum up my current progress, my own observations and my feelings about the project.

Since I started the project, giving myself three months to find out about the problem of feelings, to find a spell to fix the problem of feelings and to refine and test this spell which will fix the problem of feelings, I have managed to complete the first stage in which I have developed an analysis on the conditions that feelings induce in us, what causes them and what they cause in turn. The notes of which have been stored in my own personal archives along with a few copies.

The second stage has proved to be slightly more difficult than I previously imagined. There have been numerous distractions that I have had to put up with in order to keep my research protected along with my own personal wellbeing and that of my friend’s. I must emphasise in these notes just how important it is that this research is kept out of the public eye until it is finished and refined.

In the wrong hooves, this research could prove to be an incredible asset to those who wished to do harm with it. The spell’s status is still unfinished, yet the parameters are well defined and the methods are almost complete. It is proving somewhat harder than I initially thought to provide stimulation to the correct receptors that the spell is meant to trigger. The fragility of the brain is proving to be a limiting factor in this spell as an overload to any single receptor could prove to be fatal to those involved, both the castee, due to the direct effects of the spell, and the caster, due to the feedback that would be induced in the spell.

I foresee that this should only hold me back for another few days or so though, however I am in no rush to complete the spell; I am offering myself as the subject for testing it after all. I have already provided myself with a testing plan which I shall follow in due course. I shall start off with ‘happy’ which only requires five-hundred and seven receptors to be triggered, chosen due to its relatively low number compared to infatuation which requires six-thousand and fifty-two receptors to be triggered simultaneously.

My intention for this spell is that it be used for personal use and the control a pony’s own emotions and feelings. Such a development would be a breakthrough in mental magic, not even comparable to the advances that the mind-walking spell (invented by Clear Minded) brought. I would like to find a way to bring the effects of the spell to the other races which cannot use magic, yet such a development would require for the spell to be cast on others.

My own feelings about the spell are mixed at this late stage. I may be the one to invent it, yet I doubt that I will use it due to the falsity of the emotions that it will bring. The pony that casts the spell may be able to feel these emotions, yet they will not be true. This pony will be lying to themselves as they cast it in order to mask their true emotions with fake ones. I do not doubt that it will be useful in a number of applications, such as inciting the feeling of calm level-headedness just before an operation or an exam, yet I do not foresee myself indulging in the spell very often, if at all.

Nevertheless, I shall continue the entries in here once I am in possession of the completed theoretical spell and ready to continue in the testing process.

For the greater good,
Twilight Sparkle.

7. On The Brink

The Journal of Twilight Sparkle – 21st November 1007

It is probably safe to say that my previous estimate of a ‘few days’ was out by a margin. Despite that, I have completed the theoretical spell which should, in theory, be able to recreate any emotion in a pony dependent on the casters intent. The current spell is only intended for the subject to be the same pony as the caster. The alternative of caster to castee still requires some additional research before it is complete and ready to be tested with the current spell.

I believe that is when I shall finally allow my assistant to take part once more; that is, when I’ve worked out all the problems in the current spell which can only be cast on the pony performing the spell. Once this spell is free from any danger and has been successfully transplanted into the corresponding spell to alter the emotions of others; that is when I shall feel safe in testing it upon my assistant.

Until that day, I shall test the theoretical spell on myself and record the effects in this journal along with any other issues or observations that I have found during my experimentation. Speaking of my assistant, they are getting more and more suspicious, even if they don’t say it. They don’t believe me anymore; I doubt I would if someone said they’d been performing background reading on a subject for nearly a month.

There isn’t long to go now, though. I just have to keep remembering that fact as I keep telling them the white lie that is more important than ever before now.

For her sake,
Twilight Sparkle.

8. Two Step Forwards

The Journal of Twilight Sparkle – 22nd November 1007

Today marks the day in which I have taken a great leap forwards in the field of psychomagic. The spell performed merely two hours earlier upon myself is still in effect and should be wearing off some time at the end of this entry. As a first draft, it was surprisingly effective and has induced the correct state of happiness in myself, however the amount of focus it took to create and execute the spell is somewhat worrying.

Even though I managed it, this is proof enough that another who might be lacking in such focus might not, causing the spell to fail and backfire, possibly catastrophically. This is going to have to be safeguarded somehow, yet until I know the actual effects of a backfire, I cannot create the correct guard to shield the caster. Sadly, the conclusion from this is clear in that I shall have to induce one.

How I am going to physically and mentally force myself to do this is another matter. The problem is that I might not be able to break my focus on my own due to my lack of knowledge about what could happen afterwards. I can make a guess as to what the effects will be on the other hand. Due to the small amount of energy that the caster is handling, the result will, at the very least, not be fatal. However, since the location of this energy is inside the brain…

There are a lot of places that even a minuscule amount of concentrated magical energy could do a serious amount of harm. I simply have to observe everything as I try to incur the backfire, then deal with the results afterwards. I shall attempt to perform the spell in three days in order to prepare myself for the result and to allow any residual magic to fade away from me.

As an impromptu addition, now that the spell has worn off, it has become apparent that it was a false state of happiness as the worries of the world came back and made themselves known again.

For those interested,
Twilight Sparkle.

9. Three Steps Back

The Journal of Twilight Sparkle – 25th November 1007

The safeguard should be easy enough to implement once I study the data that I gathered during the experiment. The backfire itself hurt, and still does for that matter. It really, really, really hurts. Yet it seems dulled to me at the moment. My initial assumption from the entry before was correct; I was unable to break my own focus in the face of the unknown. It was, however, broken as my assistant came in through the unlocked door to find me.

This broke my focus sufficiently to lose control of the spell, sending the burst of energy which I was holding inside my brain haywire. As far as I can tell by feeling, it scored a direct hit against the pain receptors inside my brain, bringing me an agony of which I had never dreamed possible for the next hour. It was obvious that I had been testing upon myself and when I finally came to, uncurling myself to blink in the harsh light, my assistant was gone.

I think she was furious at me, but I don’t know… When the pain finally faded, I found myself in my bed, two stories up from where I had been previously, yet with no sign of my assistant. She wasn’t in the house and the only thing that showed her presence was a single note on the fridge: ‘Out’.

I think she was mad… completely furious perhaps. I suspect that I’ll find out in a few hours if she returns here. I can only hope that I can explain my way out of this in such a way that doesn’t end with her leaving, if only because I would be unable to follow her as this migraine pounds its way through my head.

I’m sorry,
Twilight Sparkle.

12. Reparations

The Journal of Twilight Sparkle – 5th December 1007

This iteration of the spell seems to have had a longer effect on my mind. After forty-eight hours, the spell has still not worn off, a quirk which I am thankful for due to my complete ignorance as to what the spell triggered in its backfire. Recreating the exact same state that I am in may well take another three months to complete; to document everything completely, maybe six months.

She hasn’t shown herself yet… the only reminder of my failures and her whereabouts remains the note on the fridge. I need to find her… I need to talk to her… I need to make her see; preferably whilst I am still in this state of hyperawareness…

Time is of the essence now, I must act quickly if I am to get my assistant back; the sooner I leave it, the harder it will become for me. The spell can influence feelings; it’s the reason I embarked on this project so long ago, and it’s the reason that I must now proceed onto stage five: performing to discover its use in the world we live in. If I am able to reverse this… change that I have wrought in my assistant by my lies – if I am able to erase my wrongdoings – we can go back to how we were before.

I can go back to working on the spell… I can trust her in my own time and make her see that what I did, I did for the best… for her safety. Then… then we can be together again.

For her safety,
Twilight Sparkle

Author's Note

I'm back somewhat...

For anyone who is just joining us here...

I think I've made my intentions as per tags clear...

14. Temptation

The Journal of Twilight Sparkle – 20th February 1008

I am a horrible pony.

One book was wrapped in cloth and thrown into the fire, yet it was not this one. It could never have been this one in the end… I came too far to just throw away all traces of what I discovered.

The union of scientists departed Canterlot just over a month ago, having never heard my ideas. What I do now is close an unfinished book: I finish what I started.

And this time, no-one shall find out.

Twilight Sparkle

1. Looking Down

The Journal of Twilight Sparkle – 14th October 1007

A pony is influenced by their emotions at their current time. Whatever they are feeling dictates their actions and their movements. A pony who is happy will be more likely to agree to a request and will generally have a ‘spring’ in their step when they walk whilst on the other side of the coin, a pony who is… less happy will be less agreeable and more downtrodden than their counterpart.

A pony that is mad will be quicker to strike back and a pony that is jealous will resort to snide remarks and cynicism. The pattern is that every emotion has a consequence to the pony’s day-to-day reactions and their approachability. Remove all of these and those ponies would not be those ponies anymore. A lack of emotion or any ability to feel it would be a torture and a punishment to anyone.

But what if there was a way to control what we felt? What if there was a way to control just how we reacted and how we could become masters of our own feelings? Today marks the day of the initiation of my first project as a freelance scientist; the hopeful result being to present my findings and a finished spell to the union of scientists in three months’ time.

I shall keep a record in this notebook of the results that I have surmised and any conclusions that I draw from such experiments. During the three months until the presentation, I hope to have researched the problem to its full potential, to have devised a theoretical spell – or series thereof – for the project, and to have tested it completely so that I am sure it is safe.

After devising a full theoretical spell of which I know the constituent parts, I shall provide a table of tests against which I shall compare the effects on a willing volunteer.

To the success of the project,
Twilight Sparkle.

Author's Note

So... testing new chapter formats again.
This can only go well.

2. Cautious Entry

The Journal of Twilight Sparkle – 17th October 1007

Research has been progressing slowly. It is hard to find ponies that are willing to answer these questions and harder to find a book which contains the answers that I am seeking. I could well just ask my mentor or her sister; but this is my own project and I would like to complete it without turning to the two of them for help.

I should probably explain what I’ve been trying to research. Myself and my assistant have been searching through this library and the streets of the local town, looking for answers for the question on just what exactly feelings are; a search which is proving somewhat fruitless at the moment as I have previously explained. A general average was produced, saying that feelings could not be explained, only felt, first-hoof.

I myself know this to be a mistruth, but my research requires me to see just what the public thinks a feeling is. My next stage in the research is going to be looking at the true definition of feelings and what exactly causes them, a fact which I shall provide an explanation on now. The pony brain – or any brain – is a wonderful miracle of biological happenstance. It contains billions upon billions of synapses and receptors, each pertaining to a base control upon the body.

Somewhere within those billions and billions, there is a combination, maybe more, that corresponds to ‘happy’. There is a combination that matches the emotion ‘sad’. There may well be a combination which matches the feeling of ‘love’. Once these patterns have been recognised or derived from patterns, it should be relatively simple to create a spell which can influence these patterns and their order.

Once again, my assistant has been more than willing to volunteer for these tests. I am worried about them though… this is magic of the sort that not even I understand, yet they have been more than eager to offer themselves up as living bait for the shark-infested waters of magic that I am exploring.

I shall have to think of a solution to this problem in due course.

To the success of the project,
Twilight Sparkle.

4. Making Sacrifices

The Journal of Twilight Sparkle – 27th October 1007

I have had to resort to the final alternative. I must admit that the blind devotion to my abilities and skills would be somewhat flattering were it not for the fact that this blind devotion is proving them ignorant to the issues that I raised. I will not delve into such issues that I tempted them with, but the crux of the matter was that they remained unmoved. This occurred five days ago and since then, I have provided myself as a willing subject.

At the current stage, the volunteering is not so dangerous to myself as a caster, yet in the latter stages of this experiment, I fully expect that I will come to regret my decision; but not as much as the shame I would feel if I allowed my assistant to come to undue harm. This is a small price to pay, I feel. I have shared my new resolve with no-one but this book and my own mind as I believe they would object to the matter.

This may or may not be justified, but I have taken all the necessary procedures for the worst-case scenario. In the interests of whoever may find this book and read through its contents, I have re-drafted my will for the case of a Permanent Vegetative State or death. A copy of this re-draft can be acquired from my solicitor: Mr Tolling Bell (Black and Bell Solicitors and Advisors).

I hope that this does not become the case, yet it has always been my belief that it is better to be prudent in these matters. It has also been my wish that these changes are kept confidential until the time that they become relevant due to the undue stress and worry that this would cause all those who value me.

There is a silver lining in this morbid tone though; due to the increased responses that I have been able to provide as my own test subject, the speed at which the project is progressing has increased at an incredible rate. It is my expectation that I will be able to draft out a basic placeholder for a spell within days. This will of course mark a great achievement for myself as I progress onto the second stage of theorising and creating the spell that I shall be testing in the final stage of the project.

I will have to think up some excuses as to remove my assistant from my vicinity though… I doubt they would offer much help if they knew just how I was planning to test this piece of magic. No… better for them if I kept them in the relative dark about the project from here on in.

For my personal wellbeing,
Twilight Sparkle.

5. Distractions

The Journal of Twilight Sparkle – 3rd November 1007

I think that the others are starting to grow curious as to what it is I am cooped up in my tree doing. I have managed to wave my assistant away with stories of background reading, the type of which that a second body would only serve to draw my concentration. However, there was an unforeseen complication in my plans which came on the night of the 31st by way of Pinkie Pie, a friend of mine.

Due to my preoccupation with this project, my mind was addled when I was reminded about Nightmare Night; an event which I had had no previous intention of joining as I worked through the night on the spell that I had just began to theorise. Against my will, I allowed myself to miss a single night of work, yet I think they picked up on the fact that I was distracted for the most of it; my mind spinning with the potential combinations that the spell could form.

If I’m not careful, I suspect that they will come around and insist on seeing what I’m working on behind the pretence of keeping me company whilst I do my work. This could have potentially disastrous consequences and such an outing in the later stages of testing would only serve to anger my assistant who would still believe themselves to be the subject.

Otherwise, if the matter wasn’t evident before, I have started work on the spell, building it from the ground up as I weave the charms and the threads of magic that will provide the basis for the final spell. My research on emotions and how they are controlled by the particular receptors in the brain has been filed away into the safe within the laboratory library.

At the current time of writing, the spell is in a very basic form; being a function without parameters at the moment. I shall seek to solve this over the next month and then seek to refine the spell afterwards for the conference in the New Year. However, in two days hence, I shall have to abandon my research in order to go to bonfire night to keep up appearances with my friends. An additional worry is for potential excuses for my assistant. I am running out as the time passes and I wouldn’t blame them if they grew suspicions of their own and asked me about them then; a question for which I could only answer them truthfully. I swore that I would never lie to them and I intend to keep that promise in so far as I am able to morally justify it.

For their wellbeing,
Twilight Sparkle.

10. Losing Focus

The Journal of Twilight Sparkle – 26th November 1007

Me and my big mouth. She left. She’s gone. It’s not like I’m surprised though; I speculated on the event a week or so ago and now it has finally come to pass. Maybe if I’d left doing the tests for another week… maybe she’d never have come in at that exact moment when it all went wrong. Or maybe she would have and I’d still be writing these words a single week later.

With just over a month to go until the deadline… I’m left wondering whether I should ever complete this spell… it seems to bring only bad memories now. I still remember how to cast it so I feel happy, I think a bit of happiness might do me some good at the moment. To have all my worries simply float away and let the world be lifted from my shoulders.

I think I’m going to have to do a lot of thinking before I continue with this project. I doubt anyone would blame me; cancelling the project due to extenuating circumstances in my personal life, that’s what I’d say. But even writing the words on this page feels like a failure. I realise how short this entry seems to be… yet there’s nothing I can do about that.

I’ll be back in touch when I feel more stable.

To her,
Twilight Sparkle.

11. Another Direction

The Journal of Twilight Sparkle – 3rd December 1007

There are no mistakes; that’s something I learnt from my mentor a long time ago. Now, I think I realise it. It might have taken another accident for me to notice, but now I know and now I know how I can solve everything. I can make everything the way it was a few weeks ago when we were all happy and I was truly so.

As an extra note, a backfire will not hurt as long as it doesn’t hit the pain centre in the brain; being left to rebound into every other node and synapse that it can instead. I have absolutely no idea what I am feeling right now… but it feels good, I feel focussed and alive for the first time in weeks. Yet there is a core within me, I can feel it, I can feel the heat it radiates and it drives me onwards towards this goal.

Happiness was only a mere substitute for the real thing; this emotion is practical and I can use it to regain what I lost. There is a niggling fear in the back of my head that, once I do this, there will be no coming back. Once I start climbing this mountain, I can only keep going to the top or fall back to my death. But as somepony probably once said: Once you burn one bridge, make sure that the maps say there was never a bridge in the first place.

For the greater good,
Twilight Sparkle.

Author's Note

I don't do dark often...
It might have built up.

13. Ultimatum

The Journal of Twilight Sparkle – 5th December 1007

She came back…

She offered me an ultimatum; her or me.

What was I supposed to say to that?

The whole reason I started testing on myself was so I would never have to see her writhe in pain; to see her suffer as I looked on helpless… I explained this to her and she simply repeated her ultimatum.

I… I wouldn’t test on her. I turned down her ultimatum; no matter how much it may have hurt me to know that I was shutting her out once and for all, to see her in agony… to see my spell reach failure on her… I will suffer so that she does not.

But… for all the sadness that decision may have brought me… her emotions were tested too. She wanted me to stop… telling me that if I was going to keep testing on myself that I should stop altogether. She told me that the world could live without her – a single pegasus in a billion – a lot easier than it could me.

How could I have reassured her?

I couldn’t… that’s the simple truth of the matter. She was crying on my library floor and the only way to stop her would have been to tell her the impossible… to tell her that I would stop, that I would burn the books, the notes, this diary.

Those words exactly, in fact…

I made a promise to her, that I would stop the experiment: that I would wrap the book in a cloth and throw it into a fire, forget that it had ever existed…

The cloth is next to me now. The grate is mere feet away. Temptation is in front of me.

She isn’t crying on the library floor anymore… she’s snivelling in my bed, trying to keep her sobs down… to hide from me how much I was scaring her.

I should comfort her.

Goodbye.
Twilight Sparkle

Author's Note

Welcome.
We have more words.

These are the first of many.

15. Thinner Ice

The Journal of Twilight Sparkle – 24th February 1008

Times have changed.

When I consider what life was like three months ago compared to now, the changes stand out as clear as day. No-longer do I focus myself for days at a time in my laboratory, nor do I go full nights and days without sleep.

All of it is for her.

It is perhaps the greatest change… After that night… she started appearing for random sleepovers, not trusting me to keep my promise. Now she lives here. The library feels more alive and I feel happy with her here. I can live happily like this and I suppose we will now.

However, it does make this project incredibly dangerous for me. I do not think she ever quite believed that I gave up all hope entirely. She’d catch me on the odd occasion staring into nothing, considering another calculation… another combination…

During the time that I last wrote, I have only managed to steal one moment of peace and privacy. I was able to do little more than cement my previous notes in my knowledge again, putting me back to where I was two months ago.

It is enough for now and I remain confident that I will complete this spell. Once I have done that, only then can I truly forget about it.

I do hope I never have to explain this to her.

Twilight Sparkle

Author's Note

Update set for today probably done for now...