Twilight sat casually on a desk in a shoddy concrete room, her legs slowly swaying back and forth. Minions flanked her on either side. They all wore similar grey pin striped suits. Twilight herself wore a button down shirt, navy blue blazer, and a knee length skirt. The combat boots she wore on her feet sharply contrasted with the rest of her attire, but she was more interested in function than fashion, and today someone needed their guts stomped out. A man sat in the middle of the room tied to a chair. The room was dark, save for the center, which was lit by a single bulb. The man in the center of the room watched as Twilight casually unsheathed a particularly large bowie knife.
“This is a nice Arkansas toothpick you’ve got here Brutus,” she remarked, “very high quality steel.”
“Yeah,” the man tied to the chair asked, “it wouldn’t have looked bad shoved up your-“
“Careful now,” Twilight interrupted, “the next words out of your mouth might be your last,” She punctuated her words by pointing the knife at Brutus.
“If you think you’re getting anything out of me you’re stupider than you look,” Brutus spat at her.
Twilight got up and casually strode over to Brutus. She leaned over and sat in his lap like a child sitting on Santa Claus’ lap at a mall.
“Oh Please,” she said. She placed broad side of the knife on Brutus’ cheek. The point sat just centimeters away from his eye. “Don’t make this harder than it has to be.”
“Heh, why don’t you blow me while you’re at it bitch,” was Brutus’ only remark.
Twilight up until then had been reasonably pleasant. She didn’t yell at him or smack him around, but the time for pleasantries was over. She scowled and pushed the knife harder against Brutus’ skin. The blade then became suddenly and inexplicably hot. It glowed orange and began to burn its way into Brutus’ skin. Brutus in response began to scream in pain. He strained against his restraints, trying to get away from the hot blade. After a few seconds, Twilight lifted it off of him and stood up. She took a few steps back and waited for Brutus to stop yelling.
“You bitch,” he said through gritted teeth, “do you know who I work for? When they hear about this they’ll-“
“Yes yes,” Twilight interrupted once again, “threaten me with torture rape and death. Please spare me the dramatics. I know all about Filthy Rich and Big Cannoli’s partnership. Consider this your last chance to tell me something I don’t know.”
“You think you’re so smart,” Brutus replied snidely, “but only a moron would take on Big Canoli now that he has infinitely deep pockets.”
Twilight casually balanced the bowie knife on her palm. A purple aura enveloped it and it floated several inches above her hand.
“Maybe so, but I can think of one thing I have that he doesn’t,” Twilight said.
Brutus’ eyes opened wide. He stared at the floating knife with shock.
“You’re… You’re a,” he stuttered.
Twilight smiled slyly. “Go on. You can say it.”
“You’re a Jik!”
Twilight’s smile instantly turned into a look of disdain. She swung her arm and pointed at Brutus. The floating knife flew across the room with incredible speed and buried itself hilt deep in Brutus’ chest. His eyes grew wide as he stared at the knife in his chest. A few choking sounds later, and Brutus was dead.
“I prefer the term Magical American if it’s all the same to you,” Twilight remarked. She magically grasped the hilt of the knife and brought it back to her hand. She then proceeded to clean it with a rag she produced from her back pocket.
“Get this trash out of here,” Twilight said casually, “remove the head and throw it on the steps of the Grand Sunrise Hotel.”
“Understood boss,” the tall man to her left said before turning to the rest, “let’s get it to it boys.”
“Spike,” Twilight called. A short muscular man with a dragon tattoo on his neck stepped forward. “Get the car. We’re leaving.”
***
The car ride was rather quiet. Twilight lounged in the back seat of Spike’s new car, and thought about her next move. Big Cannoli had sent an assassin after her, and that meant war. Despite her cool nature in front of her men, Twilight was very concerned. War with the biggest mob east of the Mississippi river would be costly. Many of the people she trusted would be killed if she didn’t think of something fast.
A series of bumps in the road broke Twilight out of her train of though. Spike was now driving down a gavel path through the woods. She could hear Spike grumbling to himself. Twilight didn’t bother asking, because she knew what it was about. It was because the new black Cadillac Series 70 she made him drive did not meet his high standard of performance. Unfortunately for him Twilight was the boss and she liked the back seat. “Get me the right to have to drive one of these things and you can have whatever car you want,” she had once said to him. It reminded Twilight that she really should learn to drive a car one of these days, even though she was legally prohibited.
The car made it’s way down the path until it came upon a lone cabin. Twilight thanked Spike, as always, and stepped out of the car. It turned around in the circle drive and headed back the way it came, leaving Twilight alone.
Twilight stood and admired the large cabin in front of her. She had always wanted one as a child. Now that she had one she couldn’t stop looking at it. The cabin represented everything she had worked for since she was a child. It was the little things in life that kept her going. She continued to stand there in the cool night air, listening to the sound of Spike’s car driving away. The lights were still on downstairs, which meant Jewel was still up.
Twilight finally decided to walk inside. She made her way up the steps to the porch and walked through the door into the kitchen.
“Jewel!” She called upon entering. She soon heard footsteps coming from the living room. Jewel walked in the room, wearing her nightgown and holding a cup of tea.
“You’re back,” she said and placed the teacup down on the table.
“I’m going to need that massage you promised me this morning,” Twilight said as Jewel helped her remove her blazer.
“Of course. Stressful day,” Jewel asked casually.
“You could say that,” Twilight replied.
They both walked into the living room. It was a simple room with a couch, bearskin rug, and various paintings depicting elements of nature. Twilight heard gun sound effects coming from the radio set by the fireplace.
“More western’s I see,” Twilight remarked.
“Indeed it is. Tonight is the daring adventures of Wild Bill Hickok,” Jewel said. Twilight pointed at the tuning dial and magically turned it all the way to the off position.
“With me around I thought you’d be tired of wild gun slingers,” Twilight said. She and Jewel walked across the room to the staircase on the back wall. Jewel smiled and wrapped an arm around Twilight’s midsection as they ascended to the next floor.
When they reached the bedroom Twilight walked in and plopped down on the particularly large bed. Jewel climbed onto the bed and sat cross-legged behind Twilight. The moment Twilight felt Jewel’s hands on her shoulders, all of the day’s stresses seemed to melt away. No amount of assassins, thugs, or gunfights with the police could ruin this moment. Twilight might be a sorceress, but it was Jewel who truly had the magic fingers. Twilight sighed and let Jewel work on her shoulders and upper back.
“You know,” Twilight began, “despite everything, I’m actually quite awake right now.”
“Is that so,” Jewel asked, “Well, we’ll just have to do something to burn that extra energy,”
“It’s a bit late for a jog on the trail,” Twilight said.
Jewel reached around and started unbuttoning Twilight’s shirt.
“Don’t you play dumb with me missy,” Jewel mock scolded.
“Well alright then,” Twilight replied. She turned around and pushed Jewel onto her back. She admired her partner for a brief moment before climbing on top of her. Jewel really was the best at making Twilight forget about her problems.
Twilight’s head hurt. She couldn’t quite tell why. She hadn’t been too crazy at Pinkie Pie’s party the night before, and she made sure to get plenty of rest. A thing that struck her was that her bed felt awfully soft this morning, which was good because she also felt like she had just wrestled with a Minotaur. Come to think of it, Twilight didn’t feel right at all. She opened her eyes to a very unfamiliar sight. Beside her was a nightstand with a green lamp. For whatever reason the lamp was on its side. The walls were beige with thin white vertical stripes. Twilight rolled onto her back to see a white ceiling with a strange looking cross hanging from it. The next thing twilight noticed was that her legs were bent farther back than they should comfortably go. Twilight was about to pull the covers off, when she saw her foreleg, or rather what was there instead of a foreleg. It was a fleshy version of Spike’s arm. It ended with set of hands that had four long fingers and one thumb each. Twilight wiggled them once and began to freak out.
“Oh my gosh, OH MY GOSH,” she began. She franticly kicked her sheets away so she could get out of bed.
A groaning sound made Twilight turn her attention to the other side of the bed. A strange creature lay there looking at her drearily. This did not help Twilights already panicked mood.
“AHH wha- what is this,” Twilight said franticly.
“What’s wrong dear,” the creature asked with concern. Twilight flailed around some more and worked her way to the edge of the bed.
“Twilight, it’s ok. You’re safe,” The creature said in a voice that sounded almost exactly like Rarity’s.
Twilight made it to the edge of the bed when the creature wrapped its arms around her.
“Shh shh shh, it’s ok. I’m here for you now,” the creature said to Twilight.
Oddly enough, the creature’s words seemed to calm Twilight down. She relaxed a bit in its embrace. Twilight soon became thankful this strange mare was here.
“Nightmares again,” the she asked in a motherly tone.
“I think I’m having one now,” Twilight said.
The strange mare tightened her grip.
“Oh really,” she asked jokingly, “I hope that’s not because of me.”
“What? No that’s not what I meant. It’s just... this. This can’t be real. This isn’t scientifically possible. YOU are not scientifically possible.”
The strange mare looked Twilight in the eye and gave a bemused smile.
“Says the magic user.”
Twilight took a little time to adjust to her surroundings. Something had happened to her while she was asleep. Now she was in a new body and in a new place with somepony she didn’t know.
“Wait,” she said finally, “how do you know my name.”
The comforting smile faded from the strange mare’s face.
“Alright, cut it out, you’re starting to worry me,” she said.
Before Twilight could respond, she heard four knocks on a door somewhere.
“Hmm, what is Spike doing here so early,” the mare said in Rarity’s voice.
Twilight immediately perked up at the sound of s her assistant’s name.
“Spike? He’s here?” She asked excitedly. She immediately broke contact with the strange mare, and stood up, almost falling over in the process. Her two long slender legs had joints that bent in awkward directions.
She leaned against the wall for support as she awkwardly made her way to the bedroom door.
“Twilight wait,” the strange mare called from behind her, but she was already gone. She hurried to the stairs, and transferred her weight from the wall to the railing. Twilight leaned on the rail the whole way down. Once at the bottom, she tested her balance. It still wasn’t great, but she felt confident enough to stand on her own. After a brief moment of adjusting her posture, she was ready to start walking again. Twilight took one awkward step at a time, cautiously putting one foot in front of the other. Spike knocked four more times on the front door. A few steps latter, and Twilight was at the door. She fiddled with the lock and wrenched the door open.
“Spike! It’s so good you’re-” Twilight’s words were cut short by the sight in front of her. Instead of the spike she knew, another of the strange creatures stood before her. It was short and very muscular, with a cutie mark of a purple dragon on its neck.
“Woah… err, I mean hey boss,” the new Spike sputtered.
“Spike is that you,” Twilight asked dumbfounded. Maybe whatever had transformed her had also transformed Spike.
“Uhh yeah boss it’s me. Uhm. Damn.”
Spike kept looking from her face to the rest of her. He looked as if he didn’t know what to say to her.
“Twilight!” came a concerned call from inside. Twilight looked behind her to see the strange mare running towards her. She was wearing a white robe and had a blanket slung under her arm. She ran to the doorway and began covering Twilight with the blanket. She then turned to the other Spike.
“Uh heya Jewel,” Spike said.
“What are you doing?” Jewel asked accusingly.
“Well I came to tell Twilight-“ Spike started.
“Turn around you dolt. Can’t you see that Twilight isn’t properly clothed,” Jewel scolded.
“Oh believe me I can tell,” Spike snidely remarked.
Jewel glared at Spike until he grudgingly turned around.
“Men,” Jewel muttered as she adjusted the blanket around Twilight’s shoulders. She then turned back to Spike. “Can you give us a few minutes? Twilight isn’t feeling herself this morning.”
“Sure thing,” Spike said, “but I’d make it quick. The boss is needed-“
“Yes, yes that’s grand. Bye Bye now,” Jewel interrupted and slammed the door shut.
Twilight was in the middle of shaking herself out of her stunned trance when Jewel shoved her hard against the wall closest to the door.
“Oww,” Twilight protested, “what was that for.”
“Shut up,” Jewel growled, “and tell me exactly who the-“
***
“-Fuck am I?” Twilight asked. She was standing on a wood floor in the middle of a strange room. She was looking down at the furry purple legs below her. Twilight lifted one up and examined it. The feeling of not having fingers was unnerving. She put it back down and heard a gentle clopping noise on the wood. The sensation was odd, like having a giant fingernail on the bottom of your foot. Squinting, Twilight tried another theory. She raised a hoof up and knocked herself in the side of the head.
“Ahh shit,” she grumbled as pain shot through her. This definitely wasn’t a dream. Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a yawn and some rustling. Twilight immediately lowered herself closer to the floor and looked around. She could feel her new ears perk up, searching for the source of the sound. It was coming from somewhere around the foot of the bed, just out of sight. Twilight briefly glared at her hooves. They were far from ideal for sneaking around. Nevertheless, she slowly and silently put one hoof in front of the other until she rounded the corner of the bed. There she saw something that, had she not just woken up with the body of a purple horse, would have thoroughly surprised her. A giant purple lizard slept silently in a basket just a few feet away. Twilight watched it as it turned on its side and… was it muttering? Twilight rolled her eyes. A giant talking purple lizard was in this room with her. It was as if she had taken a hundred hits of black cap at once. This must be a cruel trick by Big Cannoli. Somehow he had gotten to Twilight in her sleep and stuck her in some crazy prison. The theory didn’t make much sense, but not a lot was making sense right now.
The lizard looked harmless enough, but Twilight wasn’t about to take chances. She reached out and pointed at it with a hoof and reached for her magic. A few seconds passed and nothing happened. Twilight could feel the magic inside her, but for some reason it wasn’t manifesting. She kept her hoof pointed at the lizard and concentrated harder. She glared at her target, willing it to move. Suddenly, a strange pressure built up in Twilight’s forehead. She gasped as a purple light exploded just in front of her face.
“Gah... fuck,” Twilight exclaimed as she stumbled back. She soon cursed herself for making so much noise.
“Huh? Twilight?” came a child like voice from in front of her. The talking lizard had woken up. It probably heard her. Twilight had no choice but to get back to basics. She dove on the lizard and knocked him over as he attempted to stand on his hind legs. She reached her right foreleg around his neck and wrenched him upright. He was now in a sitting position so that Twilight could lock in her chokehold. The lizard scrambled and scraped at her legs, trying desperately to loosen her grip around his throat. Twilight gave him a warning jerk.
“Alright you little freak, what are you, and where am I,” She hissed.
“Twilight,” the lizard exclaimed, “what are you doing?”
“Where. Am. I,” Twilight repeated and tightened her hold.
“We’re in the library,” the lizard said franticly, “Twilight please, you’re hurting me.”
Twilight was thinking at a thousand thoughts a second. Those few words told her so much. First of all, this thing thought it knew her, and it said ‘the library’ as if she should know where that is. She continued to sit with a pensive look on her face as she released the struggling reptile from her grasp. It collapsed onto its hands and knees, and coughed a few times. Twilight watched as it stood up on its hind legs like a human. ‘Could this thing get any fucking weirder?’ She thought.
Twilight saw tears welling around its eyes. She felt a mixture of confusion, anger, and something else she couldn’t describe. Whatever it was, it made her want to kill whatever sadist had put her in this situation.
“Do you really think I’m a freak?” the purple lizard thing asked her.
“Look…” Twilight stopped herself and tilted her head slightly. There was something familiar about the thing’s color scheme. She had seen it a thousand times before on her friend’s neck, and if her name was still Twilight…
“Oh he better fucking not-“ Twilight thought out loud.
“What?” the lizard asked nervously.
Twilight turned her attention back to her newest ‘friend’. She hesitated for a moment, but there was only one way to test her theory.
“Oh of course I don’t think you’re a freak… Spike,” Twilight said as sincerely as she could make herself sound. The seconds it took for the infant dragon to reply felt like forever.
“Then what was that all about?” Spike asked.
“GOD FUCKING DAMNIT,” Twilight yelled as loud as she could. What kind of cruel joke was the universe playing on her? The baby dragon known as Spike recoiled from her. Twilight soon regained her composure. She needed information, and frightening this thing was not going to get her anywhere.
“I’m sorry… Spike,” Twilight began, “I’m just a little freaked out because I seem to have, uhm, lost my memory for the last week, no, month.”
“Oh no,” Spike said with concern, “what happened?”
Twilight was a little surprised with Spikes sudden change in attitude. He acted as if she hadn’t just nearly choked the life out of him.
“I don’t know,” Twilight, said with dramatic sadness, “could you possibly get me up to speed.”
“Get you up to what?” the little dragon asked.
Twilight rolled her eyes. This was going to be taxing on her nerves. She could just tell.
“Tell me everything that happened recently, that you can remember,” Twilight reiterated.
“Oh ok,” Spike said, “Well, there was that birthday party for Fluttershy, and that trip to Canterlot. Princess Celestia wanted to talk to you about something. You wouldn’t say. Then almost a month back there was your trip to the Crystal Empire. You helped Cadence with the Equestria Games Inspector. You remember that don’t you?”
Twilight wanted to vomit. This place was so bassakwards she didn’t know where to start. PRINCESS Celestia? Twilight would love to see a horse version of Celestia as some namby pamby princess. The name FLuttershy didn’t ring any bells, but that wasn’t important. Right now she needed a mirror.
“Right, thanks spike,” Twilight said dismissively. She then hurried over to a nearby dresser. She looked at herself in the mirror and saw the horn sticking out of her forehead. Oh it was much worse than she thought. She was some cartoony version of a damn unicorn, with a smashed in face and freakishly huge eyes. The rest of her, as expected, was purple like her legs. Even her mane was just a darker shade of purple. Despite the bizarre appearance, it did seem a little cute, as if a little girl had drawn this form into existence. Well, at least Twilight now had a weapon permanently attached to her head, which was good, because she couldn’t see how she could hold a knife or gun.
“Spike!” Twilight barked just as she would with the real spike.
“Yes Twilight?” Spike said nervously.
“Grab a coat. We’re heading out,” Twilight ordered. She opened a drawer to the dresser and saw nothing but a frilly saddle-like article of clothing. She shut the drawer again and left for the only other door in the room with an exasperated huff. It was time to find out what the fuck was going on.
