Discordian: A Celestial Wedding
The one day everypony who had the slightest desire of love dreamed of this day, and if it was to be labeled a certain way, for a princess - this was certainly a Happily Ever After. Celestia wouldn’t be lying if she said she hadn’t been dreaming of this day since she was a little filly, but never had she ever expected she would be wed to somepony, or rather someone like … him.
Discord.
God of Chaos.
Spirit of Disharmony.
The Creator of Havoc.
As opposed to her grace, elegance and regality, Celestia would’ve never even thought twice of him as her perfect match.
But somehow … they just fit.
Like a pony and a donkey, two completely different creatures forming a bond that transcends race. More so than a pegasus would give to live with her earthbound lover, or a unicorn choosing a life in the clouds. Celestia and Discord were as different as nature could allow, but now they would join together, as one - husband and wife, preparing to share a life together.
Celestia inhaled, trying to calm her nerves. Her heart fluttered, stealing the air inside and making her head spin. This was it. Finally.
There in front of her stood the great, engraved church door. Organ music played inside the hall, and the chatter of excited ponies traveled through the thick walls. Her little Crusaders bounced in front of her, excited to scatter their petals once more.
Her thoughts danced as she headed towards the hall and she smiled at the realization that love had never been fair to her, but for once … it seemed she had gotten lucky. She had met her match, and he was certainly no Prince Charming.
But that’s probably what she admired most.
She finally exhaled, preparing herself as the door creaked open. The three young fillies bounced forward, leaving a trail of petals for the alicorn to follow.
The music picked up in volume and tempo, and everypony quieted down - plastering their gazes onto the royal bride as she made her way down the aisle towards her soon-to-be husband. This was it.
The moment that would change everything.
A few vows, simple yet bold and meaningful words, and then the deal would be sealed. It would be official. She would become a queen to her king.
Queen Celestia.
She shuddered with pleasure at the thought. Together, they would rule with love and kindness. And in her fiance’s case, a little chaos. It was known but rarely admitted that almost all of Canterlot’s famous parties were boring without somepony to lighten it up. Discord was the humorous sovereign Canterlot needed, not the snobby one they wanted.
After all, as much as she would hate to admit it, what fun was there in making complete and total sense? A little chaos never hurt anypony. A thousand years of order had proven to her that maybe, just maybe, something was missing. Discord, once free from his prison of cold and lifeless stone, had warmed up to Celestia and brought new light and life to Equestria.
Sometimes, change was truly a good thing.
Discord, the handsome chaotic spirit himself, adjusted his red tie over his black suit in wait. He audibly gulped as Princess Celestia took her place beside him. The minister, a small brown unicorn wearing a rainbow afro and clown shoes, cleared his throat as the music silenced.
In the front aisle, six heroic ponies sat, each shedding tears. Twilight wiped hers with a handkerchief; Rarity bawled like a filly; and Fluttershy quietly released a steady stream from her ducts. Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash scrunched their muzzles and squinted in a failed attempt to hold theirs in.
“Dearly beloved,” the minister spoke. “We are here today to witness the union-”
Discord coughed discreetly, causing the minister yelp and flip the page. Once again, he cleared his throat.
“Ahem. -to witness the tango of the beings before us. The Duke Discord, Spirit of Disharmony, and Princess Celestia, Ruler of Equestria and Paladin of Justice. Today we-”
Discord rolled his eyes and his mouth crept away from his muzzle, travelling down his neck until it was level with Celestia. The lips spread apart and spoke, “This is getting rather dull, mind if I speed things up?”
Celestia smiled under her veil and whispered back, “We have our entire lives together, and you can’t stand still for ten minutes? My, my, Discord. Somepony’s impatient.”
“But it’s boooooring!” Discord didn’t move a muscle, as to not betray the secret conversation. The minister was too distracted turning the pages of the large tome with his clown shoes hindering progress to notice. Celestia sighed in agreement.
“Fair enough. I love my little ponies, but they can be a bit dry at times. What do you have in mind, Kicks?”
Discord snickered at his nickname. He did indeed get ‘kicks’ from his shenanigans. The one thing they had in common was their love for pranks. While Celestia was duty-bound to limit the chaos she created, Discord was intent on breaking those bonds. Allowing her to maintain her royal duties while pranking for her was oddly romantic, the alicorn found. Nothing like waking up to every noble shaved in the main hall, wondering why they could only speak in rhymes. Celestia had publicly scorned Discord for his nuisance, but the night they shared in victory was more than rewarding for her fiance.
Nonetheless, a moment like this - for a prank - certainly was not acceptable.
That only made it even more daring.
Discord twirled his mustache he conjured above his lips. To the minister, it appeared he was scratching his side. Rude, but certainly not enough to cause alarm. Discord’s mind raced as he thought of something elegant, daring, and certainly chaotic.
First things first. Discord raised his lion paw and snapped his claws, conjuring a small black remote. A few ponies gasped as he pressed a button, fearing he was about to overthrow Celestia, and worse: ruin her wedding. The minister hardly noticed as his motions became jerky and his voice highered in pitch. The words turned into garbled squeaks as the minister’s fidgets became a blur. Discord tapped his foot and waited until he could hit ‘play.’
“Princess Celestia, do you take this draconequus, Discord, to be your lawfully wedded husband in sickness and in health?”
Celestia glanced up, taking in her fiance’s mighty stance. He radiated power, and recently emotion as well. A smile touched up on her lips as she answered, “I do.”
The minister turned to Discord. “And do you, Duke Discord, take this mare, Celestia, to be your lawfully wedded wife?”
“Well I don’t really have a choi-”
Celestia used her magic to slap Discord with his own tail. The draconequus nearly fell over, but steadied himself.
“I mean, that’s hardly a choice at all! What lucky fellow wouldn’t take this beauty for himself? Yes, of course yes!” Discord snapped his fingers and confetti rained from the ceiling. Everypony laughed in relief, thankful for his discretion.
“With the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife!” the minister declared, slamming his dusty tome shut. “You may now-”
“Yeahkaythanksbye!” Discord interrupted as he spun in place, sweeping Celestia off her feet, and shot web out of his lion claw. The audience could only watch in shock as he flew away on webbing, kissing the mare of his dreams.
Twilight’s eye twitched as she processed what had just taken place. Discord turned around as he smashed the ceiling with a blast of magic (turning the falling rubble into harmless bubbles, of course) and blew her a raspberry. Celestia swooned and hugged him tight, nuzzling his muscular chest. Grinning from ear to ear (literally), the ~~Spirit~~ King of Chaos snapped his fingers once more.
Boom!
The minister was blown across the room and caught by a couple pegasi as something smashed through the church’s wall. Ponies began panicking and screaming as zombie zebras flooded the church. Twilight shook her head and analyzed the situation.
“Come on everypony!” she yelled as she reached under her seat, taking ahold of a stick like object. “We’ll just have to fight back! Grab your weapons!”
Applejack tapped her shoulder, bringing Twilight back to reality. “Uh, sugarcube? What are those exactly?
Twilight looked down and cocked the object, allowing a small barrel-like object to fall down. She shrugged and pointed it at a zebra. Her hoof pulled the trigger, creating a large blast and blowing the zombie to smithereens. Everypony who witnessed it reached underneath the seats for their own weapon.
Twilight grimaced. “Looks like a gun. Discord insisted, but…”
Applejack sighed. “Really Discord? A shotgun wedding?”
With those words, the zebra apocalypse begun and Celestia and Discord lived happily forever together.
