The Retribution of Blackberry Pie

by Kelvin Shadewing

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Sex, King Sombra, Random, Slice of Life
Length: 6246

Ponyville is invaded by the reincarnation of King Sombra... or, at least, a reasonable facimile.

King Sombra was killed by the Crystal Heart, shattered into pieces. But while pieces have a habit of coming together, nopony expected the dark king to come back like this. He's dark, he's powerful, and he's kind of a dick. This is the story of Equestria's meaniest of meany neighbors.

Published 2013-10-18 20:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-20 15:00:09 UTC

Beware, I Live!

The Retribution of Blackberry Pie

~~DIS~~CLAIMER: My Little Pony belongs to ~~Hasbro~~the King, bitches! Mwahahahahahahahah! Blackberry rules you!

Chapter 1: "Beware, I Live!"

The Everfree Forest. Long had this foreboding place haunted the dreams and stories of the ponies that lived around it, for in its depths were the darkest of Equestria's monsters and myths. Along the forest floor, a thin, black wisp with a small, red spike at its head slithered across the soil and over tree roots, leaving behind a trail of microscopic black crystals.

Anyone who had witnessed the birth of this strange apparition and followed it would eventually come to understand the nature of it. The small horn was a symbol of powerful magic, and the black tail embodied a cruel, broken heart. This thing was a fragment of the soul of the late King Sombra, and it was seeking the other fragments so that it could become whole once again and rise up to take revenge on those who put it into the sorry state it was now in. Unfortunately, it was going the wrong way.

The fragment did not care, not just because it didn't know of its misdirection, but because of the smell of other soul fragments that were gathered nearby. Even if these were not its own soul, it would be of little consequence; Sombra would use these other fragments to find the rest of himself, and then leave this other shattered soul with nothing once its usefulness was outlived.

The horn bumped into a rock and began to dig itself underneath. Down a long tunnel, the fragment slithered, until it came to a small underground pool: the gate between this dimension and the mirror world. The broken soul Sombra sensed was that of a mirror pony who had been foolishly torn asunder by somepony who had abused the portal.

Sobra entered the portal, and latched onto one of the fragments, taking it into himself. The others began to gravitate towards him, and soon his new body started to grow, soon reaching full maturity. The newly resurrected king stepped out of the water and opened his eyes. He drew in a slow, deep breath, and released it all in a sigh.

"Liiiiiiffffe..." he said slowly, and started to chuckle darkly. His chuckling escalated into villainous laughter, until it reached its crescendo, at which point it took a wild turn and shifted into hysterical cackling. The king rolled over and clutched his gut while kicking his hind legs in the air as his laughter devolved into incoherent giggling. At last, his fit of bubbly amusement subsided, and he rolled onto his side, looking around. "Ah, this is gonna be so much fun!"

Canterlot. It stood in stark contrast to the former home of the royal sisters. The streets were clean and bustling with nobility, and the only dark secrets it held were likely to appear in the next week's gossip magezine anyway.

Princess Celestia stood on the balcony adjoining her room and took a deep breath of the evening air. Every day, she enjoyed taking a few minutes to just look out over Equestria and bask in the peaceful ambience. Eternity was a long time to be a princess, but looking out and seeing her little ponies happy made every day worth it.

Her gaze happened to cross the Everfree, and she fought back the bitter memories of the events that lead to her and her people abandoning that land and allowing it to grow wild. Something seemed different about it today, something she couldn't quite place. Something seemed to be growing, something black and spikey. A minute passed, and her eyes shot wide when she realized it was an obsidian fortress rising from the ruins of the long-abandoned Everfree castle.

"Luna!" Celestia called, "Come here, quickly!"

Her sister was by her side in seconds. "Sister? What troubles thee?"

Celestia did not speak; she merely turned her head towards the growing structure.

Luna's jaw dropped at the sight of the black crystal rising over the trees. "Th-this can not be!"

"It is," Celestia said bleakly, "Go fetch Twilight. I shall inform Cadence and Shining Armor."

Luna wasted no words before melting into a starry cloud and swiftly floating away. Celestia's eyes hardened as the fortress just kept on rising.

"You will not take this land either, King Sombra."

King Sombra sat on his haunches and swayed from side to side, humming an amusing tune while his horn was refracted in the black aura of his magic. Small bubbles of green and violet light appeared, and just as quickly blinked back out of existence around his horn. A similar effect surrounded the obsidian chunks, causing them to grow rapidly. Inside, his magic was carving out smooth hallways with the walls forming a rippled arch tunnel over a perfectly flat floor, the shape of which resembled the top half of an egg. At regular intervals, fire rubies sprouted in the walls to light the corridors.

He smiled as his work came into completion, then smirked out the side of his mouth when his ear twitched, picking up the sound of wings flapping nearby. His grin turned downright evil, and he poofed away in a puff of black smoke just as his visitors set down outside his walls.

Clestia took point as she, Luna and Twilight Sparkle stepped up to the tall stone door on the outer wall.

"Be cautious," the solar diarch instructed, "King Sombra was not one for subtlety, but even that may have changed. We must be ready for--"

"Visitors!"

The three princesses' heads snapped up at the sound of King Sombra's gravelly voice coming from above.

Said unicorn was peeking over the wall, his muzzle hidden behind the hexagonal crystal. "Sorry, I'm not ready for you guys, still need to pick up furniture, gotta meet the neighbors and I hate you. Goodbye~!"

"Sombra!" Luna shouted, "How dare you show your face in our land!"

"Your land?" Sombra asked, raising an eyebrow, "Um, last time I checked, you guys held no claim on this forest, and since I just moved in, that makes it my land now. So, shoo." He waved his hoof dismissively and then ducked under the wall.

Twilight stepped forward and spoke to Luna in a hushed tone. "I hate to say this, but technically, he's right. The Everfree is unclaimed land. Here, he can do anything he wants."

Celestia sighed. "As much as it pains me to say this, Twilight is right: we are not above the law, and as thus, Sombra is legally free to do as he pleases here." She shot a sideways glance at the wall. "Cunning as that may be, though, we still surround him on all sides. With our combined magic, making a barrier around the forest would be feasible."

"Aaaand, you're discussing this plan here, why?" King Sombra had silently appeared between them all.

The princesses jumped back away from him and took a defensive stance, but he was already back up on the wall, looking down on them with his forelegs draped over the stone.

"You guys are stupid!" he said with an uncharacteristically cheerful smile.

"Enough of this foalishness!" Luna shouted, "We have had enough of your..."

Sombra stared down at them with a bored expression, having completely zoned out of Luna's tirade. For a moment, he lip-synced with Luna, then he pulled out a tomato, bounced it in his hoof, and then bee-lined it right into Luna's face. The tomato made contact with the lunar diarch's muzzle and splattered with a smacking noise that echoed throughout the forest.

Luna stood in stunned silence as chunks of the vine fruit slid down her muzzle. It was so quiet that even on the soft, mossy earth, one could hear a pin drop.

Celestia slowly turned her head to face the king. "Did you just--" SPLAT!

King Sombra doubled over laughing. "Oh, I'm sorry! Is it that time of the month for you princesses? I know it's not my business or anything, but you should really use something other than your face for that!"

Twilight was next. "How dare y--" BONK! "OW!"

Sombra put a hoof to his mouth and smiled coyly. "Oops. I must have put that apple in the tomato barrel by mistake... again!"

Celestia shook the tomato chunks off of her face. "Enough!" She began advancing on the wall. "Do you honestly believe that you can just continue this farce without consequence?"

"Hmmmm." Sombra made a duck face. "Yes."

"Get down here and fight like a stallion, Sombra!" an enraged Luna finally managed to say after being stunned by the tomato.

"Stop calling me that!" Sombra snapped, "I don't even like hummus!"

"What does that have to do with anything?" Twilight asked.

"EVERYTHING!" Sombra roared, "You don't see me coming into your kingdom, marching up to your brand new castle and start calling you names and demanding things from you!"

"No," Luna said coldly, "You just come along and enslave the people you rule."

"Aaaand now I rule nobody," Sombra said matter-of-factly, "so that makes me better than you." He stuck out his tongue at them.

Celestia promptly brought her hoof to her face and applied it directly to the forehead. "Fine, what do you want us to call you?"

Sombra considered this for a moment, then pretended he was still thinking just to drag out the suspense. His expression slowly slipped into an even more pensive look until his eyes were paper-thin slits. Then his face snapped back into that uncharacteristic look of cheer. "Blackberry Pie!"

The three princesses stared in utter bewilderment. Celestia managed to keep her stoic air up, but inside, her mind was reeling at what this could all be about. King Sombra hadn't once attacked them, or even threatened them. As far as she could tell, he was just being... rude. He was just a jerk. Something was wrong with him. She didn't even sense the bloodthirst of the old Sombra.

"King Som... I mean, Blackberry Pie," Celestia began, "what exactly are your intentions?"

"None of your butt sweat," Blackberry replied.

"I see," the white princess responded, "Perhaps you are right. Perhaps it was uncalled for for us to storm onto the property of a new neighbor and demand an explanation for their resonable endeavor of moving into a parcel of land which we don't even rule over."

Twilight and Luna picked up on Celestia's pandering tone, one that was often used on snooty nobles to pacify them when they got especially needy. They knew she was up to something.

"Would it be acceptable for us to meet more formally at a future time?" Celestia asked.

Blackberry pensively rubbed his chin. "Hmm, I don't know if I have room in my schedule. You'll have to speak to my assistant." He ducked under the wall, and after a few seconds of squeaking noises, he raised his rump over th edge. On his buttocks, he had drawn a pair of eyes that looked like hastily scribbled versions of his own.

"Greetings, ponies," the 'assistant' said, "I heard you wanted to ass me a few questions?"

Luna spluttered and did a double take. "Why, of all the disrespectful--"

"Now, now," said Blackberry, "Let's not make a stink over this. I'm sure I could fit one of you in for some face time. I'll admit, I'm a bit of a tightwad, so I don't let stiffs in. You'll have to butter me up a bit."

Celestia stepped in front of Luna to prevent a fight. "That's alright. I'm sure we could work something out later, but right now, we must be going. So much to do!"

"Ah, yes, doing your royal doodie," Blackberry said, holding a hoof over his mouth to contain his laughter, "Allow me to show you the exit!" He swung his tail around and held it up so the hairs rested on his back, revealing a part of his anatomy the princesses would rather not have seen.

"THAT DOES IT!" Luna shoved Celestia aside and lunged up over the wall after the reincarnated Sombra.

Blackberry casually poofed out of the way and reappeared behind Twilight and Celestia. "Be careful, Lulu. You don't want to assault the king on his own land, do you?" he asked in a mocking tone.

Celestia's eyes shot wide open. "Luna! Don't!"

But it was no use; Luna was already thoroughly enraged. The night princess spun around, blasted a hole in the wall, and proceeded to fire a volley of lasers at Blackberry. "FIGHT US LIKE A STALLION, THOU CRAVEN TYRANT!"

Blackberry laughed like a school colt as he teleported around, dodging all Luna's laser beams. He even briefly appeared underneath Celestia and slapped her belly before teleporting away. "Do ya got any cream to go with that jello, princess?"

Luna took advantage of his jeer and got a shot in right between his eyes. His neck bent backwards at a sickening angle, and with several loud creaks and pops, his head moved back into its normal position.

"Did. You. Just--" BAM! Another laser blast struck him. "That's not fun--" BAM! "OK, you're really starting to--" BAM! "Would you just--" BAM! "Fuck!"

The king poofed away before Luna could shoot him again. He reappeared on the wall again and shouted down in the royal Everfree voice. "THAT DOES IT!"

The three princesses flinched back. Celestia glared at Luna, who regretfully shrank back.

"YOU ALL ARE IN BIG TROUBLE!" Blackberry bellowed, "FOUR TIMES! FOUR TIMES, YOU SHOT ME! NOW I SHALL BANISH YOU FOR FOUR WEEKS!"

Twilight shook her ringing ears and looked up at Blackberry. "Four weeks? That doesn't sound right."

"You want it to be four months?" Blackberry asked sternly, "You are all of you banished for four weeks. If I see you in the Everfree Forest before your time is up, then I will declare war on Equestria!" He lit up his horn, and purple flames poured from his glowing eyes.

Even Celestia took a nervous step back. All around them, large beasts of the forest appeared with their eyes glowing the same way as Blackberry's.

"Take them out of my forest and see to it that they do not return!" the king commanded.

The creatures formed a corral around the alicorns and ushered them out of the woods. The princesses found themselves not far from Fluttershy's house. They looked behind themselves at the monsters standing guard at the edge of the woods.

"Well," said Celestia, "That could have gone worse."

"I am sorry," Luna said, drooping her head down, "I should have exercised restraint and not given into my emotions."

Celestia put a hoof on her sister's shoulder. "Luna, knowing the atrocities King Sombra committed in the past, I can understand you letting into anger. However, it seems strange that he would toy with our feelings and then not take advantage of it."

"He did seem off to me, too," said Twilight, "Not to mention xhanging his name. You don't think it's possible he really does want to just rule the Everfree, do you?"

"We can't afford to make any assumptions," Celestia said sternly, "We must observe his activities and be prepared for anything. Cadence and Shining Armor have the Crystal Heart ready in case we have to fight him again." She turned to her student. "In case that isn't enough, Twilight, would you stay here in Ponyville with the other Elements?"

Twilight nodded up at her beloved mentor. "You can count on me! I'll inform the girls and the mayor of what's going on right away. Will you send Spike so we can keep in touch?"

Celestia nodded. "Of course. Now, Luna and I will return to Canterlot and search for any other counter measures we can use. Perhaps this will be a good opportunity for Discord to prove his mettle as a good draconequus."

At that moment, a letter materialized out of a cloud of evaporated milk in front of Celestia. She caught it in her magic and opened it up to find a message made up of letters cut out of a magezine using a variety of childish fonts.

Dear Princess BoringCelestia,

On this day, because it suits me, I am taking my random vacation that will last for an indefinite number of measures of time units. I may or may not be available during this time. Don't have any fun without me, otherwise I may become very jealous, not to mention worried. I mean, come on, YOU having fun? That would just upset the blance of the omniverse. No, you just have your boring little courts and tea parties, and I'll be off doing whatever I feel like.

TTFN, Discord.

PS; Give Fluttershy my love... um, you know, if that's alright with you.

Celestia and Luna blinked at the scroll with deadpan expressions. Twilight sighed and shook her head.

"If only he knew."

The ponies of Ponyville excitedly gathered around Twilight as she entered the small town. She spotted her friends in the crowd as she made her way through and greeted the many familiar faces around her.

"I'm sorry, everypony," she announced after getting them to calm down, "There's a situation that demands my immediate attention. Rest assured that everything is well in hoof."

"Is this about that castle that showed up in the forest?" a stallion in the crowd asked.

Twilight nodded. "Yes, it is, but--"

"Who's castle is it now?" a mare asked.

"Please, everypony, I just need to speak with the mayor first. I promise I'll answer your questions later." Not that they won't find out anyway. Twilight gathered her friends and the mayor and went into the town hall for some privacy.

Twilight went with the aforementioned ponies of interest into the town hall, and took them to the mayor's office. After casting a sound muffling spell, she turned her attention back to the others and took a deep breath. "Ki--"

"Welcome back, Twilight!" Pinkie Pie cheered and pounced her best friend.

"Pinkie!" Rarit scolded, "Show a little self control!"

"It's fine, really," Twilight assured her, and returned Pinkie's hug briefly, "As I was about to say, King Sombra has returned."

The others collectively gasped.

"Good heavens!" Mayor Mare exclaimed, "Why on earth has he come here?"

"I don't know," said Twilight, "Honestly, I'm not even sure what to do. The last time Sombra came back, he immediately attacked without word or warning. This time though, he seemed... playful."

The ponies said "Huh?" in unison.

"Ah can't imagine Sombra bein' the playful type," Applejack put in.

"Oh, don't get me wrong, he was still rude," Twilight spat, though not at Applejack, "In fact, he was downright vulgar. Even stranger, for some reason, he insisted we call him Blackberry Pie instead of Sombra. Said it had something to do with hummus."

Pinkie perked up at the mention of hummus. "Hmmm, yeah, I can see what he means," she said, rubbing her chin thoughtfully.

"So what do we do for now?" Rainbow Dash asked, "We can't just sit around and wait for him to attack us."

Twilight shook her head. "I'm afraid that's all we can do at this point. We have the Crystal Heart ready to be sent here at a moment's notice, and I'll be here with the Elements of Harmony to boot. Until then, the best we can do is to not antagonize him."

"But what if he makes the first move?" asked the mayor.

"I doubt he'll do that," said Twilight, "He knows the power we have against him. It's highly unlikely he'll do anything drastic like--"

"ATTENTION PONYVILLE!" a loud voice rang out over the town.

Outside, Blackberry Pie stood atop the town hall, addressing the cowering crowd. "THIS IS BLACKBERRY PIE, FORMERLY KNOWN AS KING SOMBRA, FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE. CONSIDER YOUR QUAINT LITTLE HAMLET... ANNEXED!"

Ponies ran for cover this way and that, screaming and panicking while Twilight and the others emerged from the hall. Blackberry slipped on a pair of sunglasses and grinned over his newly declared domain.

"Hail to the king, baby."

Author's Note

If you'd like to support my writing, please visit my site!

Celestia Can Burn and Diet

Chapter 2: "Celestia Can Burn and Diet"

Twilight marched right up to the King Sombra incarnate and took a battle-ready stance in front of him. "How dare you even joke about taking over Ponyville! You're crazy if you think you can get away with this!"

Blackberry chuckled darkly. "Would you prefer war? I can promise you, it would not be pretty, regardless of the outcome." He flashed her a wicked grin. "Be thankful this was a peaceful takeover, otherwise, somepony could have been..." Another chuckle.

Twilight gasped and looked at Blackberry in stunned horror. "You... you would slay innocent ponies?!"

To her surprise, Blackberry looked as taken aback as her. "Dafuq is your problem, bitch?! What good is killing my subjects before I can even rule them?" He recomposed himself and grinned smugly. "I'll kill them later... with laughter." He touched his chin thoughtfully. "Of course, I could just use laughing gas."

Twilight's friends joined her and stood behind her.

"I'd like to see you try!" Rainbow Dash challenged.

"We won't let a brute like you take our town!" added Rarity.

"Not without a fight!" agreed Applejack.

"The only laughing gas you'll get is at the dentist!" Pinkie Pie squeaked. She looked around at the odd glances she was getting from her friends. "What? I didn't wanna lie to him."

Fluttershy quietly stepped forward. "M-Mister Blackberry, sir?"

Blackberry raised an eyebrow and looked down at Fluttershy nonchalantly. "Mhmm?"

"Um..." She hid her eye behind her mane and rubbed her foreleg. "W-would you m-maybe, you know, not be a tyrant? I mean... if that's alright with you?"

Blackberry's confident air melted into an unsure frown. He seemed to seriously think it over, then gave Fluttershy a warm smile as he leaned down to her eye level and gently brushed her mane out of her face.

Fluttershy met his gaze, and after a moment, she smiled back with hope in her eyes.

Blackberry took in a slow, shallow breath, and replied in a kingly manner, "NOOOOO!!!!!"

The butter-colored mare squeaked and hid behind her friends faster than they'd even seen Rainbow Dash move.

Blackberry doubled over laughing, grasping his chest as he bellowed his hysteria for the whole town to hear. "Y-you are too easy, Butterfry!" He wiped a tear out of his eye.

Rainbow Dash flew up in his face. "You big jerk! Do you feel good about yourself, picking on ponies that are smaller than you?!"

Blackberry made a duck face. "Ummm... Yes!" He giggled like a foal and got back up to his hooves, turning his back on the mares. "You guys are a lot of fun, but now I need to address my subjects and inform them of some changes in management." He stepped onto the mayor's public address stage and stood behind the podium, then cleared his throat. "Ahem... ATTENTION, PONYVILLE! YOUR KING'S GOT SOMETHING TO SAY, SO GET YOUR SORRY ASSES TO THE TOWN HALL NOW!"

Within minutes, the whole of Ponyville had gathered around King Blackberry, more out of fear than respect for him. He was boredly tapping his hoof when the crowd finished gathering and turned his full attention to them.

"As many of you may know, and the rest of you are too stupid or stubborn to accept," he said as he flashed a look at the element bearers, "you are now all citizens of the newly-established Everfree Dominion. As such, there are some new rules for you all to take into account, and by 'rules', I mean 'laws', and by 'laws', I mean 'things you must do if you don't wanna get raped'."

There were troubled murmurs being shared amongst the crowd. Offended mothers shielded their foals' ears, despite the damage already being done.

"SHUT UP!"

Everypony's heads and eyes snapped towards Blackberry.

"Thank you," he said, then quietly added, "backwater shit munchers." He cleared his throat again. "Rule one: my name is Blackberry Pie, not Sombra. Anypony caught calling me Sombra, please see the aforementioned synonym for 'law'. Rule two: In the event of flooding, a water landing or a day at the pool, you will allow me to use you as a floatation device. Anypony I select who can not float had better grow some gills or start sucking helium. Rule three:..."

ONE HOUR LATER...

"...Rule eighty six: I will not tolerate idiots. If you are not smart, get smart. And rule number ninety, it isn't gay for whoever is on top. If there is any confusion, please refer to rule thirty four B, B standing for 'Blackberry Pie is always on top'." Blackberry noticed the pained looks on the faces of those he had forced to stay and listen to all 87 of his rules, which was the entire town. It brought a smile to his face. "Now that that's out of the way, are there any questions?"

A hoof went up.

"That moron in the crowd!" Blackberry called and pointed.

"Are you really planning on..." An audible gulp. "...on raping us?"

"With repeat offenders facing randomly-selected fetishes," Blackberry answered, "Except in the case of capital punishment. That's death by laughing gas."

The whole of the crowd gasped; not in centuries had anypony been threatened with capital punishment, and it would have been longer had Princess Celestia never been stricken with grief over having to banish Nightmare Moon.

"How could you do something so cruel?" a mare shouted.

"Oh, would you rather I used something gross or painful?" the king asked, "Would you prefer beheading? Or an electric chair? Honestly, laughing gas is a kindness. I could retract that kindness if it is the wish of the people, but then who's the villain?"

"Take a look in the mirror, you tyrant!" another stallion yelled.

At this, Blackberry's horn lit up, and two ovals appeared in the air on either side of him, one green and one violet. Within them, Blackberry was visible from the perspective of the opposite oval.

"Alright, I think I wi--OH MY SELF!" The king yelped and cringed at the sight of what he saw. He then turned to the crowd with a look of disbelief on his face. "Are you shitting me?! You guys let me make a public announcement looking like this?! I look like freaking Goku cosplaying Ganondorf!"

"What in tarnation did he just say?" Applejack asked Twilight.

"I... I haven't the slightest idea..." replied the purple princess.

"This is unacceptable!" Blackberry said with a stamp of his hoof, "Not to mention, this is bullshit! I need to fix this." He closed his eyes and ignited his horn once more. The ovals vanished, and Blackberry began to rise into the air, enveloped by swirling green and violet energies.

The crowd cowered back, most of them shielding their eyes while the others used themselves as meat shields for their loved ones. The light grew brighter and brighter, until all at once, it went away. In the place where the image of King Sombra once stood was now the same pony, except his mane bore an odd resemblance to Pinkie Pie's, if she had a black mane, and his royal cape and armor were replaced with a set of what could only be described as red pajamas with a silky sheen. Blackberry struck a pose and cried out "Ow!" in a high-pitched voice for all his subjects to admire, not that they would.

"What... the... buck?" Rarity gurgled before fainting on the ground; her legitimate passing from the waking world rendered her unable to summon her customary fainting couch.

"Hey!" screamed Pinkie Pie, "You can't just steal my mane style!"

Blackberry smirked and raised an eyebrow. "Bitch, I'm over a thousand years old. I had it long before you did; I just stopped wearing it for a while." He stepped down from the stage and strutted through the town. "You all can go home now. I've got some serious snacking to do, or some shit like that." He stopped at a random mare, one with a mint-green coat and silvery mane. "Except for you. You're my bitch tonight."

Poor Lyra didn't even have the time to finish gasping before she fell into a violet oval on the ground which disappeared seconds after she fell through. The beginning of her scream was heard as the portal closed up. Blackberry chuckled to himself and continued walking.

"Now wait just a minute!" Twilight Sparkle trotted in front of him and blocked his path.

Blackberry raised an eyebrow. "Move, bitch."

"Not until you release my friend!"

The king was about to cast a spell, then thought again and decided to say something instead. "Ah, no, not gonna do that. It'd be too obvious."

Twilight raised her brow. "What would be too obvious?"

"Turning you to stone," Blackberry replied, "You said you wouldn't move until I let your friend go, so I was gonna turn you into a statue until then, buuuut statues went out with Celestia's concern for her own girth."

Twilight gasped and spluttered. "H-how can you be so cruel?!"

"Like this." Blackberry cleared his throat and demonstrated. "Princess Celestia is so fat; she doesn't raise the sun up; she pushes the earth down."

Pinkie Pie struggled not to giggle, a feat which became much easier with the help of a glare from her friends. "Sorry."

"That wasn't funny at all," Rainbow spat.

Blackberry shrugged. "You're right. Truth isn't always funny."

"Stop it!" Twilight snapped, "Now apologize for what you said!"

Blackberry paused, then sighed. "You're right; I've been such an insensitive jerk." He flopped down to the ground and started stroking the dirt. "I'm so sorry, earth. I can't even imagine how hard it is to support Celestia's weight."

Twilight was about to protest, but realized she was setting herself up for these, and just facehoofed. "Come on, girls. If Blackberry wants to be a jerk, let him." She turned her attention back to the new king. "But let me make one thing clear: you harm anypony, and we will use the Elements of Harmony on you."

The king gave them a duck-lipped smile. "I'd like to see you try. 'Course, I'd also like to see you sprawled out on the bed with--"

Twilight screamed in frustration and stomped away with Blackberry laughing in the dirt.

Spike was enjoying a peaceful nap when Twilight burst into the library and stamped every step up into her room. The baby dragon quickly stood at attention and began pretending he'd been doing his duties around the library since she left.

"Everything alright, Twilight?" asked the baby dragon, "How'd it go with King Sombra?"

"He is such a jerk!" Twilight's voice cracked as she shouted her complaint and flopped into her bed.

Spike tilted his head in confusion. There were a lot of ways he would have expected Twilight to describe the king of evil; 'jerk' was pretty far down the list. "How bad?"

"He's not like the old Sombra at all," Twilight said, barely tilting her face out of the pillow enough to be heard, "He's not enslaving ponies like he used to; he's just pushing them around and being... well, being a jerk!"

Spike blinked. "Sooo, you didn't turn him to stone or anything?"

The alicorn groaned. "That's the worst part of it. He built his castle on unclaimed land, he took over Ponyville peacefully and he hasn't actually hurt anypony, at least not that I can prove. Using the Elements of Harmony on him would be unjustified, and as princess, I need to set a good example. I can't just go around zapping ponies into stone whenever I feel like it, and if there's any possibility that Somb--I mean Blackberry isn't really evil anymore, just rude and insanely powerful, then I have to give him a chance."

"Yeah, I've been meaning to ask about that." Spike picked up a book Twilight left out earlier and set it on the side table just to get it off the ground for the moment. "Why's he calling himself Blackberry Pie? I don't get it."

Twilight rolled her head sideways and gave the dragon a bleary look. "I don't know either, Spike. And for some reason, he copied Pinkie Pie's hairstyle, except hers is all poofy and his looks more slick, but they're both really curly."

"Is that a big deal? His mane?" Spike asked with a shrug.

"I'unno," Twilight mumbled, "Just thought it was a weird coincidence. His last name is Pie, and he has Pinkie Pie's mane." She rolled onto her back. "I'm turning in early, Spike. I'm too angry to think straight about this."

Spike nodded and patted her hoof. "Yeah, probably a good idea. Sleep well, Twi."

Twilight nodded and pulled the covers over her body, then curled into an adorable little pony loaf and fell asleep.

Lyra had given up on screaming half an hour ago, and was now huddled in a ball in the corner, trembling like a leaf. Her ears perked at the sound of something hissing nearby, making her freeze. The hiss happened a second time, followed by the clicking of a lock, and then hoofsteps on the hard stone.

Blackberry Pie came into view of her cell. The mare scooted away from him, which only drew a sinister grin from the tyrant. She could see his sharp teeth interlocking perfectly with a fearsome gleam that would make dragons shudder.

"Do you know what time it is?" Blackberry asked.

Lyra shivered and shook her head.

The king licked his lips and pulled his grin even further back. "Play time."

A violet portal opened under Lyra. She was too scared to even scream as the green oval on the other side dropped her onto a plush, king-sized bed. Blackberry jumped down his own portal with a gravelly "Whee!" and bounced on the bed, launching the green mare several feet in the air. She landed on the soft bed and wobbled as she tried to back away from the king. Lyra immediately covered her face with her hooves and raised her flanks, trembling even harder as she waited for the king to have his way with her and be done with in.

The bed underneath her bounced hard, but the feared rape never occured. Cautiously, Lyra removed her hooves from her face and looked back behind her. Much to her confusion, Blackberry Pie was just jumping up and down on the bed.

"Hey, party pooper!" Blackberry cheerfully snapped, "Not that I don't enjoy staring at those toned buns of yours, but I said it was play time. Now get up and jump with me!"

Lyra shakily stood up. "Y-you're... not gonna..." She made a suggestive gesture.

"Fuck you?" Blackberry crudely finished her sentence.

The mare winced and nodded.

Blackberry stopped jumping and scowled. "Were you even listening to me when I announced the rules, or did you spend the whole time stuffing dog shit into your ears?"

Lyra blinked. "Huh?"

The king applied his hoof directly to his forehead and sighed. "I explicitly stated that rape was reserved for criminals. You wanna get down and dirty with me, just ask, otherwise, the king needs some kind of excersize or he'll get all plump and fluffy like Celestia. So it's your choice: jump or sex."

Lyra didn't know what to make of this choice, and deep down, she suspected it was only an illusion of free will. Nevertheless, she turned herself around to face Blackberry and bounced lightly in place. Her bouncing steadily increased until she was jumping on the bed.

Blackberry smiled and joined in.

Several minutes of continuous jumping like monkeys continued just like that. Evntually, Blackberry lost enthusiasm.

"OK, I'm bored." He bounced over beside Lyra and roughly shoved her off the edge of the bed.

The mare squealed and fell into another portal that deposited her into her own bedroom. Lyra landed on her bed, but it wasn't as soft as she remembered, nor did she recall it being able to move.

Under the unicorn's body, Bon Bon struggled and screamed, then rolled over as Lyra stood up to allow her to move.

Blackberry peered through the portal and whistled a cat call at the sight of Lyra standing belly-to-belly over her house mate in bed. "Mm, yeah! Show the king what'cha got!"

Bon Bon and Lyra gasped up at the portal, but before they could react, Blackberry closed in and flopped onto his back, cackling like a mad stallion. As his laughter subsided, he sighed contentedly and pulled the blanket over himself. "It's good to be the king."

As he smiled to himself, the image of Lyra standing over Bon Bon returned to his mind. He wiped the smile off his face and tried to push those thoughts away, but they wouldn't give him any peace. Instead, he imagined Lyra putting a hoof on Bon Bon's chest, shushing her softly as she brought her lips down closer to her bunk mate's muzzle. Whimpering in defeat, Blackberry decided it was as good a time as ever to christen the new castle.

Author's Note

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