Celestia rides the iron bull

by GnollReader

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Other, Random, Princess Celestia, Alternate Universe, Iron Will, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1568

Celestia is tired and worn out. Luckily, a new brand of beverage has hit the Equestrian market; Iron Bull, the drink that promises new energy and revitalization... but what effect will an energy drink for minotaurs have on an alicorn?

Celestia is tired and worn out. Luckily, a new brand of beverage has hit the Equestrian market; Iron Bull, the drink that promises new energy and revitalization... but what effect will an energy drink for minotaurs have on an alicorn?

This is purely recreational writing. It's not meant to be taken seriously or offend anyone... lean back and enjoy the ride as I let my mind wander.

Warning: Involves capslock.

Published 2013-10-19 15:30:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-19 15:30:03 UTC

Chapter 1: Now with twenty percent more rage!

Her eyes burned... every movement felt sluggish and heavy. Celestia took a look in the mirror and immediately regretted it. Her mane was an unkempt mess and the black rings under her eyes were a clear sign of her fatigue.

In hindsight, giving Luna a three-week vacation had not been a good choice. For the last two weeks, she had literally drowned in a never-ending flood of foreign delegations, documents awaiting her judgment and countless subjects wanting her help with their relentless problems. Not to mention she still had to take care of raising the sun and the moon by herself. She couldn't even remember the last time she had some breathing space for herself.

"I'm getting too old for this..." she mumbled to her reflection and slumped out of her chambers and towards the kitchen.

Inside the kitchen, she could only stare at the breakfast set before her with a tired expression. Today would not be any better, she had to give a speech on the situation of her nation within the next half hour and even after a night of rehearsal, the words only came to her mind in a shambled mess.

"Dear subjects, it is today that I stand..." she frowned as she tried to remember the introduction, "Or was it that today we are gathered here?" Celestia gave a groan and let her head slump onto the table, "Some deity I am..." she mumbled to herself, "Why didn't I declare more holidays?"

She turned her head slightly and as she started to munch on her toast with a complete lack of enthusiasm, she turned on the small television standing on the table. Breakfast television was brain numbing... but hopefully it would keep her awake.

Without paying too much attention to the actual program, Celestia started to zap through the channels... trying to find something even remotely interesting.

"Soap opera... already know that episode. Talk show... staged." she raised an eyebrow as she saw herself appear on screen, "Morning news... boring." she sighed and found the morning exercise channel, "This should be illegal this early in the morning..."

When she changed the channel again though, a roaring voice greeted her, "P-P-P-POWER!" Celestia raised an eyebrow as a minotaur came bursting through a brick wall, "Iron Will is the name! Revitalization is my game!" he pointed a finger towards the camera, "Are you tired? Lacking sleep and vigor?! Iron Will laughs at your puny stamina!" he flexed his muscles, "Look at Iron Will! Now look at yourself! Now look at Iron Will again! You need power! You need energy! You need IRON BULL!"

Celestia's eyebrow traveled up further as Iron Will held forth a small can like a weapon, "IRON BULL! Feel the power! Wash that lazy stare away with a can full of energy! Now with twenty percent more rage!" he made a mocking face, "Afraid of the power?! Scared of side effects?!" he bellowed out a hearty laugh, "Maybes are for babies!"

The scene switched and Iron Will was suddenly standing on a huge boat, "IRON BULL CAN PICK UP THE SUN!" he paused, "I'm on a boat!"

The commercial came to an end and the original show continued, leaving Celestia staring at the screen with a blank expression, "Pick up the sun?" she asked to herself before frowning, "I might as well try it then... I could use some energy."

In a small grocery store in Manehatten, a young stallion was busying himself with arranging cans on one of the shelves when next to him there was a bright flash and a small can disappeared right in front of his eyes. "Whoa! Pops! Did you see that?!"

The old clerk didn't even bat an eyelash as with another flash, several bits appeared on the counter in front of him, "Settle down, Larkstroll." he did a quick check of the bits, "This happens all the time."

"What?! And you're not worried at all?"

The old clerk shrugged, "Why would I? Always pays up..." he raised an eyebrow, "Strange though... normally it's just cake and snacks."

"Ingredients..." Celestia carefully read the small print on the side of the can, "Two ounces of rage... three ounces of pure, mind-wracking adrenaline... one ounce of orgasm?" she pulled her head back with a slight feeling of discomfort at mouthing the word, "Isn't that taking advertising a bit too far?" she sighed, "I already paid for it, so I might as well."

The seal gave off a high-pitched squeak as she carefully pried it open with her magic and immediately she could hear the contents inside the can start to sizzle wildly. Celestia carefully pulled the can up to her nose and inhaled slightly... The moment she did, she could feel the hairs on her back rise and her eyes became wide, the drink smelled like a can of toothpaste.

Celestia shuddered, "My subjects actually drink this? Aren't they concerned for their health at all?"

On television, Iron Will reappeared on the screen, "MAYBES ARE FOR BABIES! P-P-P-POWER!" and promptly disappeared again.

Celestia's eyes narrowed, "I'll show you..." She took a deep breath to steady herself, leaned back her head... and then she downed the contents of the can in one, long swallow.

In her sleepy state, she had failed to finish reading the text on the can... the little imprint spelling 'suited only for ages twelve to fifty' going unnoticed by her.

"Please, everypony come to order." a guard in golden armor called out, "The princess is about to give her speech."

The gathered ponies and diplomats quickly settled down, all awaiting the speech of their leader with suspense. The curtains leading to the large curtain were pulled back, and Celestia stepped forth.

"She looks so regal!" one of the ponies swooned.

"I heard she's been under a lot of stress lately..." a unicorn next to her whispered, "I hope she doesn't wear herself out."

"Oh, come on. She's the deity of the sun and she's been doing her job splendidly for decades! There's no way a little stress would throw her off."

"I guess... look! She's about to start!"

The voices of the ponies became hushed as they waited for the words of their ruler.

Five seconds later... and the whole castle was in a state of disarray and chaos.

The shock wave of her first words screamed into the microphones had been enough to make the speakers explode and throw the ponies off their feet. Even now, without speakers Celestia's voice was washing over them like a storm as she continued her vocal rampage in an unmatched display of the royal voice.

"I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO EXPRESS HOW HAPPY I AM!" Celestia hollered down at her subjects as her eyes twitched, "AAAARHHA!" her head bobbed up and down, "IT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!" she frantically waved her hooves, "FEEL THE POWER! UUUAAAHHH! OH, I WANT TO BITE SOMEPONY IN THE FACE!"

She pointed at the guards who where watching her with expressions of utter disbelief, "LOOK AT THESE GUARDS! THEY'RE PERFECT! NEVER BLINK! HOW DO THEY DO THAT?! SOMEPONY SHOULD GIVE THEM A MEDAL!" she reared her head back and gave another shout, "NOW WITH TWENTY PERCENT MORE RAGE! WARGHLAAGAH!"

"Princess!" one of the guards managed to stammer, "Maybe we should get you back inside, you are obviously not feeling well!"

Celestia's eyes twitched and she blinked out of synch, "MAYBES ARE FOR BABIES!" she returned her attention to the flabbergasted ponies below, "YOU'RE ALL WONDERFUL! HAVE A BANANA!" a banana popped into existence in the guard's mouth, "EVERYPONY GETS A BANANA!" the courtyard was covered in a rain of the yellow fruit, "I CAN'T EVEN DEAL WITH IT!"

Celestia started to hammer her hoof onto the podium and continued her tirade, "LOOK AT THE SKY! NOW LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT THE SKY AGAIN! I MADE THAT HAPPEN! AARAAAAAAGH! EVERYTHING IS SO BEAUTIFUL! WE SHOULD ALL WEAR SOCKS! I DECLARE THIS DAY THE DAY OF SOCKS AND BANANAS! WHERE IS MY CAKE?! DIDN'T ANYPONY REMEMBER TO BRING CAKE?!"

"Princess! I really think you should..."

"EAT MORE CAKE?! WHAT'S WRONG WITH A FULL BEHIND?! I'M NOT FAT! ARE YOU SAYING I'M FAT?!"

"No! Princess, I just think..."

"WAAAHARHAAH!" she reared her head back again, "WHY ARE YOU TALKING SO SLOWLY?! GET ME DISCORD SO I CAN BITE HIM! AND ANOTHER THING! WHY DOES LUNA GET ALL THE LOVE LETTERS?! I AM A PRINCESS TOO! I DESERVE TO BE SUITED!"

The outburst lasted for another full hour and during Celestia's vocal rampage, the sun was raised and lowered two times, three showers of cake and bananas were counted, thirty new princesses appointed and two guards promoted to super generals for a day... The day also marked the founding of two national holidays; the day of socks and bananas... and the day of 'writing your awesome princess Celestia a letter to show some damn appreciation of her awesome work'." incidentally, the two were placed on the same date.

The new royal slogan, 'Feel the power!' however, was dropped again due to legal issues... Iron Will had threatened to sue.

Author's Note

Alright, now I feel better. Sorry, but sometimes I just have to write something completely random to get my head clear. Back to work ^^