Pinkie at Google

by CartsBeforeHorses

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Comedy, Random, Pinkie Pie, Human
Length: 1038

Pinkie Pie gets a job at Google as the new CPO, or Chief Party Officer. Now, she gets to sit on the Google Board of Directors and suggest new ideas for Google products.

Pinkie Pie has landed her dream job: the Chief Party Officer at Google. Now, she gets to sit in on the board of director meetings and suggest ideas for new Google products. Posted in honor of Google's stock reaching $1000 per share. This story is part of One-Shotober.

Published 2013-10-19 14:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-19 14:10:02 UTC

Don't Be Evil

“Alright, it’s ten o’clock PM. Where’s our new board member?” asked Larry Page, the CEO of Google, as he glanced at his wristwatch.

About a dozen members of the Google board of directors were gathered around a long conference table in the corporate headquarters, located in the picturesque suburb of Mountain View, California. If you want to know more about Mountain View, you can go on the internet and... well, you know.

Patrick Pichette, the CFO of Google, chuckled. “Late on her first day? I would have expected--”

“Surprise!”

Out from under the conference table, a pink pony burst, jumping into a chair as balloons and confetti floated into the air around her.

“I wanted to make a big appearance for my first day!” said Pinkie Pie.

“Thank you, miss Pie,” said Page. “Now, for those of you who don’t know, we’ve brought Pinkie Pie on as the Chief Party Officer here at Google. We are always trying to revolutionize the industry…”

Pinkie Pie swiveled around and around in the rotating office chair, as Page continued speaking.

“...We’ve been having some image problems recently, what with the whole privacy issues. People need to know that we’re cool and all. Also, we need to make sure that we’re on the cutting edge of internet technology and coming up with new concepts. Hopefully, Pinkie Pie can bring in some new ideas on how to make Google a fun and cool company.”

He swung his arm across his chest in a juvenile display of enthusiasm.

“So, Pinkie, why don’t you get started and give us some ideas.”

Pinkie Pie stopped rotating in her chair as tweety birds flew around her head.

“Uh… dizzy…” she said. She shook her head a few times, and then spoke. “Oh, ideas. Right. Well, for one, it’s sort of a sausage fest in here.”

Pinkie Pie glanced around the room at the overwhelmingly-male board of directors. “What kind of party has no mares at it? You should start charging ponies five bucks to enter the board meetings, unless they bring some mares with them. Just like they do at clubs!”
“I agree with that statement,” said Susan Wojcicki, the Senior Vice President of Ads and
Commerce, and also the only woman on the board. “We could definitely stand to do more to promote diversity.”

“As an African-American who is completely competent at his position and was in no way helped by affirmative action, I agree that we men should have to pay to attend these meetings,” said David C. Drummond, Senior Vice President of Corporate Development and Chief Legal Officer.

“But we’re all rich, so let’s make it five thousand dollars,” he suggested. The others in the room nodded.

Eric E. Schmidt, the Executive Chairman and former CEO until 2011, put his face in his palm. “Look, I’m all for diversity, but you can’t start charging people pitch money to enter board meetings. The shareholders would have a fit and--”

“It’s settled. We’ll put a pitch jar right there next to the potted fern and water cooler by the doorway. Now, Pinkie, how about some other ideas?” said Page, paying no mind to Schmidt’s objections.

“Okay, here’s a good idea! How about we come up with cars that can drive themselves? That way, when people get too drunk at a party, they get in their car and it can drive them home!” Pinkie exclaimed.

Schmidt started, “Look, we’re an IT company; I don’t think that cars are exactly part of our business model, and even if they were--”

“Brilliant!” Paige exclaimed. “We can even integrate it with Google Maps so that the car knows exactly where to go!”

“Hah, let’s see Apple do that,” said Drummond, “I bet that the car would just drive straight into the ocean.”

Everyone in the board room laughed.

“And all their cars would just be one color: white. And don’t you DARE try and jailbreak them or have sex in the backseat, because Apple is a family company!” said Page.

Everyone broke into hysterics. Drummond pounded his fist on the table. Pinkie fell out of her chair.

“Where are we on Google Glass, Sundar?”

“Well,” answered Sundar Pichai, the Senior Vice President of Android, Chrome, and Apps, “It’s coming along nicely, and we’re still working out some of the bugs--”

“Ooh, I hate bugs!” said Pinkie Pie, “They get all over you. Normally I squash them.”

“--but I forsee a Q2 or Q3 launch. Now, of course, we always want to keep up with the next big thing. We have phones, we have glasses, so what will be next?”

“Ooh, ooh! I know!” said Pinkie Pie, raising her hoof and jumping up in the air.

“Yes, Miss Pie?” asked Larry Page.

“How about people can download their whole BRAINS into Google? Then, they can live forever!”

Schmidt groaned. “Can we focus on this century, Pinkie? Scientists still don’t even fully comprehend how regular brains work, and the amount of data storage required would make it beyond cost prohibitive. The technology isn’t even there for--”

“I love it!” exclaimed Page, once again interrupting his colleague.

Schmidt tried to continue, “Even if you theoretically could do it, there’s issues like potential glitches or privacy concerns--”

Susan Wojcicki interrupted. “We can tailor ads based on people’s thoughts, just like we do with AdWords. We can call it AdThoughts!”

“Yeah, and we can get them to buy new things like Chrome (buffers) and polish for their new metallic Android (bodies),” said Sundar Pichai.

“YEAH!” yelled out Pinkie, jumping up and down in her chair as she threw confetti everywhere.

“WOOOH!” yelled Larry Page, ripping off his shirt.

The Board of Directors left the meeting in gleeful ecstasy. All, of course, except for Schmidt, the former CEO who never would have let such fanciful, Pinkie-Pie-in-the-sky conversations take place when he was chairman. He wept softly at the loss of his company’s former credibility.

Larry Page issued a press release the next day, and the same gullible masses who also believed that there would be flying cars by the year 2000 ate up his puffery and exaggerations and rose the stock price over $1,000 a share.

And that’s how Equestria was made.