The Day I Punched Celestia In The Face

by gasmaskangel

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Human
Length: 1677

A random guy is snatched up and transported to Equestria, where he promptly panics and punches Celestia in the face. She does not take it well. At all.

So what would you do if you were suddenly pulled into another world? Panic? Scream? Punch the nearest thing thing you saw in the face? All of the above? Oh dear. That was Celestia. You just punched Celestia in the face.

Better run for it, she looks mad.

A quick story inspired by a prompt from PonyPon over on Derpibooru. Exactly what it says on the tin.

The only warning is that the narrator is a human, and there is a small bit of cursing.

Published 2013-10-19 12:40:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-19 12:40:03 UTC

Oh crap.

So there I was one morning, just standing in the bathroom brushing my teeth and wondering just what in the hell I was doing with my life. No job, no girlfriend, a piece of shit car and behind on my rent, yeah that classical art degree was a great use of time and money.

That was when shit got weird. A sudden sense of vertigo overtook me, and everything tasted like the color blue smells. I had a feeling of being stretched very thin and also expanding in every possible direction at the same time, and then there I was standing in someplace that definitely was not my bathroom, foam dribbling from my mouth where my toothbrush still stuck out at an odd angle, and staring into a very surprised looking face. It was long, and white with enormous eyes.

I did the only thing that seemed rational at the time, by which I mean that I screamed, took a swing at it, and seconds after my fist connected turned and ran.

I ran out into open space, it turned out. It seems that I had appeared on some sort of raised dais, and I had just tried to sprint out of my bathroom. I landed in a sprawl on the floor, and scrambled over onto my back and stared wildly around me, looking for something that made sense.

All around me were horses, but not proper horses. They were all different colors, with big eyes and short muzzles. Then the penny dropped.

I am not a brony, mostly because I think that name is stupid, but I happily watched the show when it was on. The creatures around me were ponies, and on the dais I reckognized the main character, the purple unicorn Twilight Sparkle. Funny, I didn’t remember her having wings, but then I didn’t watch the show that long.

She was staring at me with look of shocked horror, and my gaze drifted over to the magestic white horse beside her, and the bottom dropped out of my stomach.

She had a pure white coat, and her long, flowing mane and tail were like pastel rainbows, the color waving softly in and never getting tangled over each other. On the side of her very, very surprised looking face was a reddening patch where I had punched her.

Oh shit, I thought.

“Oh dear,” said Twilight.

“Run for it!” shouted Luna.

I scrambled to my feet, and promptly followed that advice.

Princess Celestia had always seemed so nice in the show, but then no one had ever slugged her one on the show.

I’d just reached the big double doors at the end of the hall I’d appeared in when I heard the shout.

“YOU DARE?! YOU DARE STRIKE ME?!”

I redoubled my speed, sprinting out into a hallway dressed only in my boxers and a pair of fuzzy bunny slippers. I heard an explosion somewhere behind me and, cast a glance back over my shoulders.

Celestia had crashed out into the hall, a look of absolute fury etched across her features, her mane no longer a pretty pastel rainbow, but now a mass of white hot flame and a viscious snarl on her lips.

I peed a little, and slammed through the next door I came to.

It was a kitchen, the biggest I’ve ever seen in my life. All around me were ponies who had been busily working before a gigantic hairless monkey burst in followed by a howl of pure rage.

A pony in a chef’s hat looked like he was about to say something, but I scrambled past him and vaulted up onto a table and sprinted across it, took a flying leap and barely cleared a pony on the other side just as Celestia burst through the door I had come through.

I mean burst literally by the way, the door and door frame exploded in a ball of fire as she leapt through.

“FACE THE WRATH OF THE SUN YOU BASTARD MONKEY!” she howled.

“I’m sorry!” I cried out as I threw open the door at the far end of the kitchen and resumed running for my life.

The new hall I had run into was obviously not one intended for the public. It was bare stone where the previous rooms had been of polished marble, and lit by guttering torches rather than the sun shining through enormous windows. I heard another explosion behind me and ran.

I could feel a harsh heat on the back of my neck , but didn’t risk turning around. I turned a corner and spun around a guard who had been standing there enjoying a quiet smoke, tripped over another who had been with him, and turned my fall into a tumble, losing one of my slippers in the process. As I came up I saw the entrance to a stairwell just ahead, and made for it. I thought that maybe I would get lucky and she wouldn’t be able to fit.
I had no idea where I was going, but as I heard another firy explosion just above me as Celestia crashed into the stairs I decided that the ‘to’ of running wasn’t nearly as important as the ‘from’ at this point.

I made it down two flights of stairs and ran out into the hall, hoping that maybe I was in the clear, when I heard an explosion above me, and a muffled shout of “WHERE IS HE?!”

I ran and rounded a corner, threw open the first door I could find and slammed it shut behind me.

This was some kind of store room apparently. It was filled with crates and barrels. I pulled open one barrel and found it mostly empty, only a few apples left down at the bottom.

There was another explosion, this one sounding much closer. I climbed in the barrel.

I could hear her in the hall, and prayed that she wouldn’t find me. The clip clop of her hooves was the most terrifying sound I’d ever heard in my life.

There was a sudden whumph and the clattering of bits of door. The temperature in the room shot up suddenly, and I barely managed to stifle a squeak of terror.

“I can smell you in here, human,” her voice came out in a murderous purr, “no where left to run.”

I curled up as tight as I could and tried to think small, unobtrusive thoughts. I heard her step closer.

“This will go much easier if you don’t hide from me,” there was an explosion and a heat that singed my body hair, “because if you insist,” another explosion, “on playing cat and mouse with me then I’ll just have to incinerate everything in this room until I find you, and let me tell you that burning to death,” explosion, this one much closer to my hiding spot, “is a terrible way to go.”

I could hear her breath now. Jesus Christ she was practically on top of me.

“The smell is the worst part,” Celestia said, “It will take me weeks to get the smell of charred monkey out of my coat.”

I was out of options. I resolved to face the music, and beg more than I’d ever begged in my life.

I stood up out of the barrel and was face to face with her, and that great big pointy horn of hers.

She stood before me, a furious flaming goddess of the sun, her eyes blazing orange, her coat a white so pure that it hurt to look at it.

“Please don’t kill me,” I squeaked.

Celestia narrowed her eyes, and leaned towards me.

“You punched me in the face,” her voice was ice.

“I’m really, really sorry!” I stammered out, and pressed my back against the stone wall. I wanted to scramble away and escape. I wanted to dig a deep hole and pull it in after me. I wanted to be literally anywhere else in the entire world than right here, right now.

“You’re sorry. That makes it all better does it?” She thrust her face closer to me, “well you know what, human?”

“Wh-what?”

Suddenly the fire was gone, her mane and tail turned back to normal, her eyes reverted to a soft playful blue and she said “gotcha,” and kissed me on the nose.

I slumped down, my heart feeling like it wanted to explode, relief washing over me. I felt like I’d just fallen into an ice bath.

Celestia smiled down at me beatifically, turned to leave, and then whirled around and punched me in the face. My world exploded with stars and birdies, and then everything went black.

I woke up sometime later, in a warm soft bed, heavily restrained.

Eventually everything was explained to me, Twilight had apparently gone on a journey to the human world, but hadn’t been able to spend that much time learning about it. The magical gate that had been used to take her there was closed, so she couldn’t go back to study it, so an alternative solution was reached.

It was decided that they’d summon a human, someone who wouldn’t be missed (and thank you so very much for that Twilight, at least she had the decency to look embarrassed when I glared at her for it) since it was a one way trip and ponies didn’t want human knowing about them.

Over all its not a bad life I suppose, I mean I miss stuff like TV, at least until I think about what made up the majority of it, and as long as I stay far, far away from Princess Celestia.

Author's Note

This is the first time I've ever done anything that wasn't mature rated. Feels weird, and kind of icky. I think I'll stick to my nice wholesome smut and creepiness from now on. Anyways, this is just something I hammered out in a couple of hours for fun, I hope you enjoy this little slice of madness.