Baggage Equestria

by MythrilMoth

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Big Macintosh, Fluttershy, Random, Crossover, Wonderbolts, Sex, Cheerilee, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Original Character
Length: 2949

Pony parody of trashy dating show Baggage.

This is a shameless, all kinds of wrong send-up of the trashy dating "game show" Baggage, which airs on GSN in the USA and stars Jerry Springer.

For those unfamiliar with the formula:

One bachelor must select from three hopeful bachelorettes who each have baggage no sane person would admit to anyone, let alone air on national television. The bachelor must wade through the increasingly horrific personal baggage, and at the end of the show, must choose the one of the three whose baggage is the least run-and-scream-worthy. However, the bachelor himself ALSO has a big piece of baggage, which is revealed at the very end, allowing the girl he's chosen to opt out of the date if his baggage is just too much.

Published 2013-10-19 17:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-19 17:40:02 UTC

Series Pilot

What secret is Big Macintosh keeping in this big red saddlebag? Did he once eat all the apples off a red delicious tree without sharing? Did he pee in a barrel of cider and not throw it out? Or, does he secretly watch his sister's vulva wink when she's in heat?

Find out today on...BAGGAGE EQUESTRIA! And now, here's the star of Baggage Equestria: Cherry Zinger!

A stallion with a coat the color of ripe yellow cherries and a short, silver-blond mane trotted into the center of the set as the studio lights rose to full power. "Hello, and welcome to Baggage Equestria, the show that matches singles who are looking for a relationship, and aren't afraid to share their darkest secrets. To start things off, let me introduce Big Macintosh!"

A large, bright-red stallion with an orange mane trotted onto the set. The audience cheered as he took a seat across the stage from three pedestals with small saddlebags on them. Equidistant between the pedestals and Big Macintosh was a lower pedestal bearing a large red saddlebag.

"Welcome to the show, Big Macintosh. Tell us a little about yourself."

"Welp, Ah'm an apple farmer, Ah live in Ponyville, an'...that's about it."

After a round of polite chuckles from the audience, Cherry said, "In a moment, three lovely young mares will be coming out on stage, each with three pieces of baggage to reveal—small, medium, and large. When all the baggage is out in the open at the end of the show, Big Macintosh will have to choose one of these mares to go out with. But Big Macintosh also has baggage of his own, and his baggage could be a dealbreaker for the lucky lady he chooses. At the end of the show, we'll find out what that baggage is. Is it 'I once ate all the apples off a red delicious tree without sharing'?" The audience laughed at this. "Or is it 'I once peed in a barrel of cider and didn't throw it out'?" The audience gave a collective 'ewwww' in response to this. "Or, could it be 'I secretly watch my sister's vulva wink when she's in heat'?" The audience's reaction to this was a chorus of boos and catcalls. Cherry smiled. "Well then...let's bring out the ladies!"

Three mares trotted out, each moving to stand next to one of the pedestals. One was a butter-yellow pegasus with a long pink mane and tail, who looked terrified and hid her face behind her saddlebag. The next was a mulberry-coated earth pony with a rose-hued mane and a bright, cheerful demeanor. Lastly was a sky-blue pegasus with a short, snow-white mane, who smiled easily at the crowd.

Cherry nodded to the mares. "Ladies." He looked at his cue cards. "First up, we have Fluttershy, a pegasus from Ponyville. Tell us a little about yourself."

Fluttershy let out a squeak. "Um, well, I...I take care of animals...and, um..." she trailed off into unintelligible mumbles.

Cherry raised an eyebrow. "Alright then, let's move on. Next we have Cheerilee, also from Ponyville! Tell us about yourself, Cheerilee."

"Certainly, Cherry. I'm a schoolteacher, I love children, and when I'm not at school, I have lots of hobbies."

"Good, good. And last we have Fleetfoot, who's from Cloudsdale. You're one of the world-famous Wonderbolts, am I right?"

"That's right, Cherry," Fleetfoot said with a smile. "I've been with the Wonderbolts for some time now, and flying is my life."

"Great! Now, ladies, it is time to reveal your smallest piece baggage. Fluttershy, let's start with you."

With a startled squeak, Fluttershy flipped open the saddlebag in front of her. A card popped out which read:

I'M MY PET RABBIT'S BITCH

The audience let out a chorus of laughs at that. Cherry raised an eyebrow again. "Fluttershy, do you want to tell us about that?"

Fluttershy ducked behind her hooves. "Um, well...that is, I...I'm not very assertive, and...Angel Bunny can be a bit...demanding, so um, that is..."

"Yes, but being a rabbit's bitch...that's a little..." Cherry shook his head. "Alright, let's move on to Cheerilee. Please reveal your smallest baggage."

Cheerilee opened the saddlebag in front of her, from which a card emerged that read:

I'M OBSESSED WITH PIMP HATS

The audience erupted in laughter and cheers. Cherry blinked. "Pimp hats? What's that all about?"

Cheerilee shrugged. "I just like the way pimp hats look. I buy one every time I go shopping. I've got a whole room full of them."

Cherry turned to Big Macintosh. "What do you think about that, Big Mac? Would you wear Cheerilee's pimp hats?"

Big Mac blinked. "Ah reckon."

"Alright then...Fleetfoot, please reveal your smallest baggage."

Fleetfoot opened her saddlebag. The card that emerged read:

I BLEACH MY MANE AND TAIL SO NOPONY KNOWS I HAVE A HALF-SISTER

The audience reaction to this was cacophonic and confused. Cherry tilted his head. "Ooookay, I guess my question is: why?"

Fleetfoot ducked her head. "My mother was single and having an affair with a married stallion, and then she got pregnant with me. What she did was wrong, and so is what he did, but what's done is done. Thing is, he's got a really distinctive mane, and he passed it on to his other daughter by his wife. If another mare turned up with that same mane, it'd look pretty bad, so...I just bleach mine so nopony will know we're related."

Big Macintosh frowned. "Now that just ain't honest."

Cherry raised an eyebrow. "Do your father and sister know about you?"

"No," Fleetfoot said, "and I plan to keep it that way."

"Well, alright, now that the ladies have revealed their smallest baggage, we need to take a short break. When we come back, our three lovely mares will reveal their second piece of baggage, and Big Macintosh will send one of them packing! Stick around, more Baggage Equestria right after this!"

* * * * *

"Welcome back to Baggage Equestria! It's time for our dealbreaker round."

The three mares were seated upon a velvet couch off to the side of the center stage, and three larger saddlebags sat upon the pedestals.

"I'll open these bags one at a time," Cherry explained. "As I open each one, I'll ask Big Macintosh what he thinks, and what his concerns are. He'll decide which one is the dealbreaker, and then I'll ask the ladies to come up and claim their baggage." He stood next to the first saddlebag, opened it, and removed the card inside.

I ONCE GAVE A DONKEY I DIDN'T KNOW A BLOW JOB

The audience went wild at this one. Big Macintosh gave the card a half-lidded stare.

"Well, that's certainly interesting," Cherry said. "What are your thoughts on random donkey blow jobs, Big Mac?"

"Nnnnnnnnope," Big Mac replied.

"Okay, let's move on. The next bag is..."

I'VE BEEN LETTING A FRIEND OF MINE THINK I KILLED A GRIZZLY BEAR WITH MY BARE HOOVES FOR TWO YEARS

The audience gasped, laughed, and applauded. Cherry raised an eyebrow. "Well, I can't wait to her the story behind that one, what about you folks?" After allowing the audience a moment to react, he turned to Big Mac. "So, what do you think about that one?"

"Well, Ah don't rightly cotton t' lyin', but it depends on whut th' logic is behind that. An' that's a pretty durn weird thing t' carry on about."

"Alright, now I'll open the last bag..."

I'VE BEEN STALKING BIG MACINTOSH FOR OVER A YEAR

The audience gasped. Cherry stared. "Okay, that's...awkward. Big Mac?"

"That one right there. That's th' dealbreaker," Big Macintosh said with no preamble.

"You sure? Not even a little curious about your admirer?"

"Nnnnnnnnope."

The audience laughed. Cherry turned to the mares. "Ladies...please come up and claim your baggage."

After a moment of shuffling around the pedestals, Cheerilee stood behind the first one, Fluttershy stood behind the second, and Fleetfoot stood behind the third. The audience went crazy.

"Alright...Fleetfoot, it's time to pack up your bags and leave."

Fleetfoot closed her saddlebag and turned to go. As she did, she tossed over her shoulder, "Be seeing you, big boy."

"Ah got a shotgun," Big Macintosh said coldly.

Once Fleetfoot had left, Cherry turned to the others. "Alright, Cheerilee...donkey blow jobs. What's that all about?"

Cheerilee looked sheepish. "It was at a party one of my friends threw. She's a bit of an alcoholic, and I should've known better than to trust the punch she served, but...well, I got a little drunk, then I wandered off with this donkey, and...things got a little out of hoof."

Cherry tilted his head. "What does donkey dong even...you know what, nevermind. Let's move on. Fluttershy...what's with the whole bear thing?"

Fluttershy ducked her head. "Um...I was giving this bear a massage, and when you're massaging a bear, it has to be pretty intense. I...guess if somepony just walks up and sees you in the middle of giving a bear a massage, they might assume strange things. I knew she was there in the bushes, but I couldn't just leave that poor bear all tense, and then she ran off before I could explain things." She paused. "After that, well...I guess I decided her reaction was kind of funny, and she was really nervous around me for a few days after, so I never got around to telling her the truth."

Cherry frowned. "Okay, so...you were massaging a bear. What exactly about giving a bear a massage would lead your friend to think you'd killed it?"

"Well, I'd have to say it was when I twisted the bear's neck almost 180 degrees," Fluttershy said meekly. The audience gasped.

Cherry took a step away from Fluttershy. "Okay, just...please don't massage me if you're not happy with how today turns out." He turned to Big Macintosh. "Big Mac? Any thoughts?"

Big Mac studied Fluttershy intently. "Ah can appreciate a strong mare," he said.

"Alright, ladies, if you'll move over to the hot seat..."

Cheerilee and Fluttershy returned to the velvet couch. Cherry sat across from them. "Now, Cheerilee, what do you think of Fluttershy's baggage?"

"Well, it's a bit disturbing," Cheerilee said. "I mean, she admits she's her pet rabbit's bitch, and then she says she snapped a bear's neck...I have to be honest, it sounds to me like Fluttershy's into sadomasochism. Big Macintosh doesn't strike me as the kind of stallion who'd want to be in that kind of relationship."

Cherry nodded. "I see your point. Fluttershy? What do you think about Cheerilee's baggage?"

"Huh? Oh, um, well...nothing, really," Fluttershy said. "I mean, collecting things isn't strange, and...well...what goes on between two consenting adults is nopony's business but theirs."

The audience politely applauded Fluttershy's response.

Cherry turned to Big Macintosh. "Well, Big Mac? You've seen two pieces of baggage now, what's going through your mind right now?"

Big Macintosh thought for a minute. "Th' donkey thing bothers me a little, but other than that, Ah don't rightly see a thing wrong with either of these two mares."

Cherry nodded. "Alright. Now, it's time for the hot seat round. We'll start with Cheerilee. I'll ask some questions, and just give me the first answer that comes to mind."

Cheerilee sat down directly in front of Big Mac and Cherry, who were now seated on a couch at the back of the set.

"First question. Big Macintosh loves to play chess. What chess piece are you most like?"

"A rook. I'm steady, follow a straight path, and protect my king."

"Next question. Name a place in the world you'd like to go more than anywhere else."

"Hosstralia. I've always wanted to see wild kangaroos."

"Last question. Big Macintosh wants lots of foals. Can you see yourself as mother of a large family?"

"I'm a schoolteacher. That's pretty much the same thing."

The audience clapped, and Cheerilee moved back over to the velvet sofa where Fluttershy sat. Fluttershy timidly took her place in the hot seat.

"Now, Fluttershy, your turn. Just give the first answer that comes to mind."

"Um...okay."

"First question: Big Macintosh loves to go out dancing. What's your favorite dance?"

"Oh...goodness...um...I-I like conga lines?"

"Next question. You're going to a concert. What band are you going to see?"

"Ramstein."

"Last question. Big Macintosh wants to go to the moon one day. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"

"Forty-two cords."

The audience applauded. "Alright! When we come back, our ladies will reveal their biggest piece of baggage, and Big Macintosh will make his choice! Stay right where you are."

* * * * *

Fleetfoot stood backstage next to a large saddlebag. "Hey, Big Macintosh. Here's the one piece of my baggage you didn't get to see."

I GAVE UP MY FOAL FOR ADOPTION BECAUSE THE DOCTOR SAID SHE'D NEVER BE ABLE TO FLY

* * * * *

"Welcome back to Baggage Equestria! It's time for our remaining two mares to reveal their biggest piece of baggage. Fluttershy, we'll start with you."

Fluttershy timidly opened the large saddlebag on her pedestal, and removed the card.

I HAVE A SECRET CELLAR FULL OF EXTREME KNITTING PROJECTS

Cherry blinked. "A secret cellar full of extreme knitting projects. Okay, so...why the secret cellar?"

"Um...I don't want anypony to know about my extreme knitting hobby," Fluttershy said.

"And what exactly are we talking about by 'extreme knitting'?" Cherry asked.

"Um...all sorts of things. I knit clouds, bats, Parasprites, birds, butterflies...a fifty-foot-long dragon..."

The audience let out a collective "WTF" noise.

"Okay, wow. Cheerilee, I'm almost afraid to say it after that, but...it's time to reveal your final piece of baggage."

Cheerilee opened her saddlebag...

I BEAT MY SISTER HALF TO DEATH FOR STEALING MY COOKIE — YESTERDAY!

The audience gasped and booed.

"You beat your sister half to death over a cookie?" Cherry asked.

Cheerilee ducked her head. "She'd already eaten most of the box. I'd only had two."

"But...isn't that a bit...much?" Cherry blinked. "Okay, before we go to Big Mac's decision: Fluttershy, what are your thoughts on Cheerilee's baggage?"

"Um, well..." Fluttershy glanced at Cheerilee, then looked away. "I think maybe she's a bit of an unstable tramp with a weird hobby, and I wouldn't trust her around children if I had any of my own." She paused. "But, um...she's...nice."

Cherry turned to Cheerilee. "And Cheerilee, what do you think about Fluttershy's baggage?"

"Well, she's obviously insane, so...there's that," Cheerilee said simply.

Cherry nodded. "Alright, Big Macintosh. It's time for you to decide. Which of these lovely ladies is going home right now?"

Big Mac frowned. "Well...Ah've known Cheerilee a mighty long time, an' she's nice an' all, but...Ah can't rightly condone a pony who does violence to their own kin, for any reason." He looked at Fluttershy. "An' Fluttershy, well...there just ain't nothin' wrong with Fluttershy. An' Ah kinda wanna see that knittin' cellar." He paused. "So yeah...Miss Cheerilee, Ah'm sorry, but you've just got too much baggage."

The audience applauded.

"Well, Cheerilee," Cherry said, "it's time for you to pack up and leave."

Cheerilee closed her saddlebag and congratulated Fluttershy. Turning to Big Mac, she said, "I do hope we can still be friends."

Once Cheerilee had left, Cherry said, "Now, Big Macintosh has chosen Fluttershy, but that doesn't mean it's over, because after the break, it's time to reveal what's in his big red saddlebag. Is it: 'I once ate all the apples off a red delicious tree without sharing', 'I once peed in a barrel of cider and didn't throw it out', or is it 'I secretly watch my sister's vulva wink when she's in heat'? Stick around, we'll find out after this!"

* * * * *

"Welcome back to Baggage Equestria, where it's time to reveal Big Macintosh's baggage. But first, Fluttershy, let me ask you what you think about what could be in this bag. It could be: 'I once ate all the apples off a red delicious tree without sharing', 'I once peed in a barrel of cider and didn't throw it out', or 'I secretly watch my sister's vulva wink when she's in heat'. Tell us what you're thinking right now."

Fluttershy flinched. "Um, well...none of those things are very nice," she said. "The apple thing, I can sort of understand. Big Macintosh is a pretty big stallion. The cider thing, that's...just disgusting. And...that thing about his sister..." Fluttershy shuddered. "I actually know both of his sisters, and the thought of him doing that...it's just...wrong."

"So that would be the dealbreaker for you, then?" Cherry asked.

"Um...maybe?"

"Alright, well...Big Macintosh, it's time. Please reveal what's inside your big red saddlebag."

With a forlorn look at Fluttershy, Big Macintosh opened the saddlebag.

I SECRETLY WATCH MY SISTER'S VULVA WINK WHEN SHE'S IN HEAT

The audience roared its disapproval.

Cherry stared at Big Macintosh. "Well?"

Big Macintosh looked away. "Ah know it's wrong, but..." He sighed. "Nope, ain't no buts about it. It's just plain wrong."

"Well, at least you admit it," Cherry said. "Alright, now for the big moment. Fluttershy?" He turned to the pegasus. "Can you accept Big Macintosh's baggage?"

Fluttershy studied Big Macintosh for a long time. "Yes. Big Macintosh, I accept your baggage."

The audience cheered. As the couple walked off the set together, Cherry turned to face the camera. "Just remember, Equestria: no matter what a twisted, deranged weirdo you are, you too can make a love connection! Tune in next time, we'll see you then!"

Author's Note

I have no explanation for this. None whatsoever.

If you don't get the Fleetfoot-stalking-Big-Mac thing, it's from the IDW comics. Same with Fluttershy's knitting chamber.