Twilight Sparkle had a plan. A good plan. She had the best plan for finally revealing her feelings to her longtime object of affections Rainbow Dash, one that was sure to win her heart.
Twilight Sparkle kicked in the door and shouted "Hey Rainbow, let's have graphic sex in front of everypony!"
"No way! No offense Twilight, but you're a huge nerd. Sex is for dweebs, awesome ponies like me are playing chess!" Rainbow said as she moved her Knight to D-6.
"Hahaha!" Pinkie Pie laughed. "That was a horrible move! I can't believe you claim to play chess! I'm going to have to remove you from the chess club!"
"No! No!! I can't go back! There's no way I can quit! I-I'm just rusty! Let me practice! I'm usually a lot better than this! Just let me stay in the chess club!" Tears welled in Rainbow's eyes.
"Get the fuck out of my house chessailure." Pinkie coldly responded. Even the Element of Laughter had to be serious when it came to chess.
"Please! Give me another chance! I'll do anything! I can't go back to being a sexhaver! I can't!" Rainbow cried, openly sobbing.
"Aaaaaanything?" Pinkie responded, taunting the quivering pathetic pegasus before her. "Let's see... Play that pony over there!" Pinkie pointed her hoof at Twilight.
"What do you mean 'that pony'? We've been friends for months!" Twilight inquired.
"If you aren't a chessmeister you're a waste of oxygen. Now play this useless pegasus! If you win, you get her spot in the chess club! You'll become somepony! All you have to do is play chess!"
Twilight clearly had no choice. She must rob the love of her life of everything that gave the Rainbow's life meaning. She could toss the match, but what difference would it make? Rainbow would never love a chessailure. All Twilight could do was place her faith in the pawns.
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"A tie?!" Pinkie shouted.
"Yeah, all we've got left are kings and bishops. No way we can mate each other." Rainbow replied. Twilight blushed, as "mate" sounded animalistic enough for the things she wanted to do to her rump. "We've sat here deadlocked for about 30 moves. Twi's tummy is rumbling and I'm missing my TV shows."
"Is this true, Twilight?"
"Yeah, I haven't eaten in half a day. Can I go home?"
"Well, uh," Pinkie had been the ruler of the chess club, Equestria's most prestegious group, for a while now, having ousted Celestia with a righteous queen to G-6. Never in her days had she seen a tie. "Y-you can play... Rarity!"
"Pinkie darling, right now?" Said the designer unicorn. She had been there the whole time but didn't really care about the scrubs playing chess. "Poor Twilight is starving! I cannot in good spirits play her like this!"
"Okay, fine, sheesh." Pinkie said. "Go get something to eat I guess Twilight. But you better be right back!"
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Twilight came back immediately after lunch and began playing Rarity. Rarity's rook-based feints were impressive but Twilight quickly learned to see through them, as though she had a second sight for chess patterns. The battle raged late into the night, until a scream rang out!
"I can't take it anymore!" Rarity shouted, knocking the chess table over. "Pinkie, this chess club idea was silly! Can't you see how much time it wastes, and how hard it is on poor Twilight!?"
"Yeah I guess so." Pinkie said, frowning.
"And you just forgot me halfway through it! My place in the club was on the line, how do you just forget?!" Rainbow was yelling.
"Well if nopony else is enjoying it, then I quit too!" Pinkie tossed her coronet on the ground. "Chess club is over. Everypony, let's go home!" Rarity left to her boutique. Pinkie went upstairs as this is still her house. Rainbow and Twilight were alone.
"Well that was strange. Hey Rainbow, you wanna have graphic sex in front of everypony?"
"What? Ugh, no! Sex is still completely lame! I'm gonna go play ping-pong like the new cool ponies. You can be a boring sexhaver if you want, Twilight, but don't get me involved!" Rainbow flew off, leaving Twilight's heart in pieces on the floor.
"Eh, whatever." Twilight said, shrugging her shoulders. She trotted off to a new adventure.
"Say Fluttershy," Applejack said to the yellow pegasus next to her for no discernible reason. "Didjya get inta
Pinkie's chess club?"
"Why, no Applejack. I slept in and missed the invitation."
"Pinkie never gave me one, she asked if I knew how ta play and when I answered honestly that I didn't, she called me a
sexhaver and left after trashing my mailbox."
"I'll miss that mailbox." Fluttershy frowned.
"Don't worry, the doctors are doin' everythin' they can ta keep him with us. Anyway, I decided ta check out this chess club anyway since Pinkie was holdin' it in Sugarcube Corner
anyway."
"Did something exciting happen in there?"
"Nah, jus' Twi screamin' about wantin' ta have graphic sex in public with Rainbow Dash."
"So the usual then."
"Pretty much."
"Queen to G-6?" Luna asked her sister. "Thou werest ousted by a Queen to G-6?"
"Dear sister, I was just going along with Pinkie so she'd have fu-"
"She got thee with a Queen to G-6? Thou art such a fucking scrub!"
"Luna, your attempts to integrate modern vernacular with your outdated tense conjugations has ended in tragedy."
"Art thou mad?"
"Goddammit Luna you are bad at this."
"As bad as thine chess abilities?"
"Look, I said I wasn't really trying and-"
"Interesting how thou gets quite defensive when we mock thine chess skills."
"W-well, you're being quite insulting."
"Not as insulting as thine game."
"You... you watched?"
"We noticed the sweat on thine brow was thick for not being serious."
"Look, Luna, can we just drop this? Pinkie's disbanded the chess club and no one really cares anymore, okay?"
"We guess so, scrub. If thou desires to bury thine shame so badly."
"Sis, you're a jackass."
"We art aware."
