The God of Hellfire - Choose Your Own Adventure! (Alpha)

by RyanPAPP

Rating: teen
Tags: Other, Adventure, Random, Discord, Princess Celestia, Alternate Universe, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 2898

Discord has successfully corrupted Twilight Sparkle. Now, he calls on you for help with spreading anarchy to all the lands!

Upon successfully corrupting Twilight Sparkle, the ancient deity Discord has a lot more to do in creating his perfect logic-defying world. But, he has too much than he can put his hands on! He has called upon you, the only being as odd as he is, to bring chaos to the farthest reaches of the land!
NOTE: This work is wholly satirical, any lame and over-the-top jokes are intentional and meant to enhance the atmosphere. Thus creating a social commentary on the proliferation of weaving technology in the African country of Guinea-Bissau .

Published 2013-10-20 05:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-20 05:20:02 UTC

A Choice

A Choice

YOU CHOSE: Poking your head out

You poked your head out the window and shouted!

You silly twat, you were simply at a crossroads and waiting for another carriage to pass by before you! Now you've made yourself look like a fool in front of the thousands of bright-eyed towns-Dandelions that were staring at you!

"What a nutter..." Some of them remarked, turning back to doing their daily routine of playing Soduko with the local ant population.

Embarrassed, you sheepishly pull your head back in. Soon, the cart began moving once more and you were back to doodling on your notepad.

PICK A CHOICE:
--Crudely draw a penis.
--Draw an immense battlefield filled with opposing Squirrel Civil War factions staring intently at one another while weeping at the powerful message you're coneying.
--Recreate the Mona Lisa as it would appear in a Lady GaGa music video.

A Choice

YOU CHOSE: Draw an immense battlefield filled with opposing Squirrel Civil War factions staring intently at one another while weeping at the powerful message you're conveying.

As you finish your portrait, a solitary tear falls onto your notepad.

Squirrel brother against Squirrel brother. Millions die, and Squirrel widows are left raising their Squirrel babies alone.

The thought of Squirrel babies not having Squirrel daddies and only Squirrel mommies just blows sadness all over you. That and your head hurts from all the times you thought of the word "Squirrel". I mean, it's not like that's easy to type either. I'm sure it's more of a strain on me than you, in fact. Not that I have anything against Squirrels, of course. But they are devious little things. Everyday a squirrel sits outside my window and lifts up his tail to rub is butt all over it. It's not a pretty sight. I'm just waiting for the day it decides to use the bathroom in front of me. I mean, who's going to clean that up? Certainly not me!

But, I digress.

You can take no more. You woefully crumple up the paper and chuck it out the window.

Suddenly, as if a twister was about to roar through town, you hear sirens from behind your carriage!

"This is the Ponyville Police, pull over and explain this Squirrel Civil War drawing!"

Alarmed, you leap out of your seat and open the curtains to yell at the driver of your vehicle.

"Cheese it, Ned! Cheese it!"

Ned the Seal-Drawn Carriage Driver whips the seals and throws a fish into the middle of the road, ordering the Seals to go into top gear as the police gain on you.

However, this effort proves futile. As Saturday Morning Cartoon luck would have it, there happened to be sewer work going on in the middle of the street.

The Seals begin shouting "PULL UP. PULL UP. PULL UP."

Oh no! It seems that Ned the Seal-Drawn Carriage Driver has fallen asleep again! You knew he should've looked into that drowsiness medication! [This story sponsored by Vick's]

One of the Seals falls into the ponyhole and your whole carriage overturns, sending you tumbling around in the cardboard box you were sitting in.

You stumble from the wreckage and the Police Carriage pulls up directly behind you.

A cop leaps out, gun drawn and orders you to get on the ground.

"You are under arrest for littering and second-degree Squirrel Doodling!"

"Ohshit.jpg" you think, getting as low to the ground as possible.

The cop hand cuffs you and gets ready to throw you into the back of his carriage.

CHOOSE A CHOICE:

--Resist Arrest.

--Stare down at the floor in shame.

A Choice

A Choice

The ride begins as silent and awkward. Finally, the cop speaks up.

"Well, I reckon you didn't do it then."

"Why do you say that?" You reply.

"Y'know, I've driven a buncha' fellas down to this prison. Lord knows how many. Usually is 'bout now I get the 'I didn't do it!"

"Every time?"

"EVERY time."

A few silent seconds pass.

"I followed your case a little bit, you bein' a Cloudsdale boy and all." The cop says.

"You're from Cloudsdale then." You say.

"Yep. Came up to Ponyville to be a city cop in the seventies. Always wanted to work a case like the senatorial mess you got yourself mixed up in, with all due respect. A real shame that is."

Another Police carriage speeds down the other side of the highway.

"Hell, the whole family used to be regulars at your folks' drugstore right in downtown. Still there?" He asks.

"Sure is." You reply.

"Good".

More time passes.

"I got a nephew at that Asylum you were in! You been there long?"

"Going on my sixth year." You reply.

"You wanna know how I see it?"

"Sure." You reply.

"Regardless, could be you just did the wrong thing."

You grunt in response.

You hear chattering on the radio as a squardron of Police pegasi fly over.

"I'm driving this man once, h-he was the worst one. He wouldn't stop going on about how he didn't do it. He was an older fella. Big, soft eyes behind a pair of smart folk glasses, and he's just wailing back there, says it wasn't him. Crying and snotting all over, right where you're sitting."

A seemingly important call begins playing on the radio and the cop angrily shuts it off.

"Then before long he starts kicking the back of the seat, li-like a fussy baby on an airplane. And I tell him he's gotta stop, that's government property, and I'll be forced to zap him otherwise. So he stops, having exhausted all his options, he starts crying out for his mama. 'Mama, it's all a big mistake! It wasn't me!"

"Man..." Is all you say in reply to the anecdote.

"Man?! Not even close!" The cop jokes. "They caught the bucker red handed! Stabbin' his wife, cutting her up as the boys came through the door! He sits in my car screaming bloody murder that it wasn't him! I think he actually believed it himself. It goes to show, people will up and go mad when they believe their life is over."

"Oh, I got another good one for ya. This one's a little bit less depressing and a bit more hilarious if I do say so."

Suddenly, Emperor Discord runs into the middle of the street in front of the carriage and the cop hits him straight on.

The carriage is propelled to the side and into a tree, killing the cop on impact and knocking you out cold.

GO TO NEXT PAGE

A Choice

YOU CHOSE: Resist Arrest.

You look down at your new t-shirt and see the letters Y, O, L, and O. Suddenly, a burst of confidence flows through you and you decide it's a good idea to jump up and wave your genitals around while singing "I'm Too Sexy" to the cop.

Needless to say, he tazes you and shoves you into the carriage.

GO TO NEXT PAGE

(UNFINISHED AND WON'T BE UPDATED UNTIL ALL CHOICES ARE LINKED) Meeting With The Emperor For The First Time

(UNFINISHED AND WON'T BE UPDATED UNTIL ALL CHOICES ARE LINKED) Meeting With The Emperor For The First Time

PREVIOUSLY ON "THE GOD OF HELLFIRE BALL Z": OUR HERO WAS ARRESTED AND A TON OF CRAZY SHIT WENT DOWN I DON'T WANT TO RE-WRITE!

A Choice

A Choice

YOU CHOSE: YELL AT DRIVER.

You furiously stomp your hooves and shout "Ned! What's happening?"

Ned the Seal-Drawn Carriage driver leans back and peaks his head in through the curtains. "We're waiting for another carriage to pass by, Master Anon." He replies, poshly.

Your frown gets more intense and you peak out the window to gaze at the other carriage.

To your astonishment, the carriage is decorated in a cloak of Rainbow and sparkling ribbon glistening in the purple sunlight.

"Move it, Powder-Puffs!" You shout, shaking your hoof at the carriage.

A pony looks back from the sparkly carriage and to your surprise it's George Clooney from that one movie where Sandra Bollock gets high and thinks she's lost in space or something. I mean, seriously, that movie was crazy from what I've heard. I haven't seen it yet, but it looks good. I heard Neil DeGrasse Tyson doesn't like it but he's a stickler. At least it's making people get interested in space instead of bumming each other in butt. I mean, I have no problem with gays, but people need to calm down with all the rights arguments. Really, this country was founded as a safe-haven for what are normally deemed "weird people" when you think about it. I'm not Conservative but I'm not Liberal, either (I'm VERY neutral, by the way). Plus, black people were once considered shit and below everyone but look, they got rights and in their own respect they're flourishing as a culture. Though I still prefer the poems and music from before the Civil Right's Movement because they were all singing for freedom. But are you seriously reading this? I am putting no effort into this paragraph, in fact I hope you skip it and say "TL;DR" because I'm running out of material. Has anyone seen Saturday Night Live lately? I've heard it's gone downhill but I haven't watched any episodes past the 80's. And those skits were "meh" at best. I assume they've resorted to Family Guy levels of "humor". Sort of like The Simpsons where it just turns to crap about fifteen years down the line. I think King of The Hill should've been the show to last 25 years honestly. That show was really good and the humor was mature and never really got stale. I didn't really like Peggy though. She was lame. Now to switch to a completely different sentence so the people who skip this paragraph think we were actually discussing something important. George Clooney looks at you quizzically before peeling off his face, revealing that he's really Tom Cruise.

Tom Cruise hops out of the carriage and approaches the window you're poking your head out of.

"Hey, 'pal', do you know who I am?" Tom asks you, flexing his chest muscles.

You gaze down at him, his handsome, dreamy, eyes staring intently into your own.

YO, YO, YO, READ-AH MAKE A CHOICE!

--Challenge Tom Cruise to fisticuffs.

--Sheepishly back down and let Tom go as slowly as he pleases.

--Stand up for Lobster-Human-Pony-Original Character rights by delvering a speech for all the town's people to hear and revel in your intellect, thus causing a LHPOC revolt, toppling the government and Discord.

A Choice

A Choice

You aren't good at roleplaying, are you? Insane people aren't usually calm and patient. Unless you're an insane insane person. Wait, by that logic we're all insane insane people. Well, let's presume you didn't think about clicking this dreadful choice and picked something more interesting.

BACK TO START, YOU BORING OL' TOSS YOU.

A Choice

A Choice

Aww shiet, son. You've challenged Tom Cruise to a good-'ol-fashioned fist fight!

You leap out of the window with superpony strength and tackle Tom Cruise!

He thrusts you off and shouts: "If it's a brawl you want, it's a brawl you'll get!"

The Tomster then pushes you down, puts you in a headlock, and then bites your ear.

You suddenly realize you've made a horrible mistake.

"Say Uncle! SAY UNCLE!" Tom screams, headbutting you relentlessly now.

"UuuuUUUuuuUUUUUUuuuuuncle!!" You shout in pain.

Suddenly, you hear police sirens approaching. You should've remembered that fighting in public was against the law...

A cop hops out and tazes Tom.

"EeeGAAAAAAAEEEAAAAHHHHH!" You hear 'ol Cruisey scream.

"Comply or I'll do the same to you!" The cop shouts.

Not wanting to have wires inserted into your flesh and then be electrocuted, you cooperate.

GO TO NEXT PAGE

START

You were called out here, the twisted and illogical remains of Ponyville, by the "Incredibly Handsome, Stupendous, Amazing, Artistic, Creative, Fun, and All-Powerful Emperor" Discord, or so he calls himself.

Nothing had quite been the same since he showed up. Your view of Ponyville was always a demented and delusional one. You had a particularly rare case of Physcosis that warped your world into Wonderland since birth. Of course being locked away didn't matter, because you enjoyed the Asylum full of talking jelly beans and floating lollipops!

But, since Discord arrived, everything had changed ever-so slightly. Things would be a different color, the jelly beans were now rocks, and the clouds that once rained lemonade onto you are now raining chocolate.

Unbeknownst to you, this was an affect of Discord's anarchy spell. Since your idea of reality was twisted already, his world-changing spell cancelled out your disease and made everything appear as it actually was in it's ruined state.

Suddenly, you feel your Seal-drawn carriage come to a full and abrupt stop.

MAKE A CHOICE:

--Poke your head out through the curtains and shout "What the bloody 'ell is goin' on?"

--Yell at driver.

--Wait for the carriage to resume motion.

A Choice

YOU CHOSE: Recreate the Mona Lisa as it would appear in a Lady GaGa music video.

You stare at the work of... "Art" you just dumped on the paper. You flinch slightly at the sight of the Lovecraftian abomination sitting in front of you.

It has a raw steak dangling from sheep intestines around its neck and a toothy smirk accompanied by a a cheek bulge, presumably a tongue. It's fingernails reached down to it's toes, and it's hair was metallic and spiked.

You have a moment of clarity, a realization. What are you doing in your life? Why have you unleashed this horrible grotesque display upon the universe? Was anything real?

The last question drives you over the edge, and you thrust your ballpoint pin through your retina, puncturing your front lobe, and you fall onto the floor of the carriage as you experience a slow and painful death.

RETURN TO PREVIOUS PAGE

A Choice

A Choice

YOU CHOSE: Stand up for Lobster-Human-Pony Original Character right's by delivering a speech for all the town's people to hear and revel in your intellect, thus causing a LHPOC revolt toppling the government.

You stare at Tom Cruise back in his lovely eyes and say:

Our kind has been oppressed by yours for far too long. Hear me, Lobster-Human-Pony-Original Character brethren! We combined are more powerful than any army, than any idea, than any school of philosophy! We are more than a "species", we are a people! A mass! A collective! For centuries we have thrived on the blood of our Alicorn-Original Character enemies, but these... things... these Hue-Manes... Have kept us down! They have pushed us to the bottom of society. But today, we rise to the top! Today, we regain our bloodthirst, our honor! We will combine and retake the lands that are truly ours, from here to distand Macedonia! We can win this fight! WE can be the oppressors! We have always won in war, and war never changes.

Tom Cruise stares at you like you're an idiot. And he's right. You're not even LHPOC. You notice his arm raise as he cocks his fist. You try to brace, but it's too late.

Tom Cruise bashes your face with power the likes of which has never before been seen by ponykind.

"Damn..." You think, going down. "He has good looks, talent... And... Physical... Strength..."

Your vision turns blurry as you pass out.

You sit upon your throne, sipping your mead. Your closest subjects stand before you in the dim lighting of the throne room gazing upon you with admiration. You inspired a great revolution, and you were revered for your efforts.

Well, here you are. Anon the king. King of aaaalllll the land. Who would've thought that? But how did it come to this? Well, it's a long story. Come closer, and I'll tell you. It all started when you were summoned by Discord.

GOOD ENDING/SEQUEL BAIT ENDING

A Choice

A Choice

YOU CHOSE: Sheepishly back down and allow Tom to go as slowly as he pleases.

Who could say no to those lovely eyes? Apparently not you.

You blush and swiftly apologize for angering the Tomster. He doesn't seem pleased, but he does relax a little knowing he's the dominant carriage driver.

Tom nods to you and then walks back to his carriage slowly. You watch out the window as the subject of every teen-aged girl walks away from you. He gets in his carriage and slowly prods his Seals across the intersection. You realize that you should've gone first. After all, many insane people don't posses patience. But, maybe you're not insane after all.

The clouds seem to part above you as a ray of purple sunshine beams down onto your face. You realize something... You realize that all this time you were never crazy, or weird, or insane. You just told yourself that and it was a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You were a butterfly, all along. You were stuck in your tiny little cocoon. But, you just blossomed into the most beautiful creature on the planet. You now feel as if you can take on anything, like you're the strongest creature in the world. For once you feel... Normal. And incandescently happy.

But then you remember something. The purple sunlight Discord had projected onto Equestria was highly radioactive, and during the whole moment of self discovery your brain was melting from the inside out.