If the mining industry ever needed a tool more powerful than a jackhammer to pulverize stone, they should use whatever it was that pounded against Pinkie’s skull. The curly-maned earth pony rolled off the chair she awoke on and landed on the floor with a hard thud. A small cloud of confetti kicked up around her.
Pinkie opened her eyes and looked around the room. She was in the Cake’s living room above Sugar Cube Corner and it was a complete disaster. Streamers covered every piece of furniture, leftover cake was stuck to the ceiling, and there was a guitar embedded into the wall besides a crude drawing of some pony’s butt. Either she was attacked by a gang of disgruntled garbage-ponies, or she had thrown the best party ever last night. Unfortunately, she couldn’t remember anything due to her painful hangover, so disgruntled garbage-ponies couldn’t be ruled out just yet.
A low groan emanated from the couch. “Ugh, can some pony please tell the sun to shut up?”
Pinkie sat up and saw Rainbow Dash sprawled over the hard-cider soaked couch cushions. The couch frame itself was not there, however. Instead there was a sketchy chalk outline of a couch on the floor.
“Dashie?” Pinkie asked with a hushed tone. “Did we throw the best party ever last night?”
“Can you remember any of it?” Dash replied in question.
“Nope.”
“Then yes, best party ever,” the blue pegasus concluded. Dash picked up a bottle and held it over her tongue. It was empty, save for a single drop of warm hard cider. She sighed and sat up to survey the damage around her. It was pretty massive, but Dash felt somewhat proud of it.
“Wow, Mrs. Cake is going to kill you when she sees this mess,” the pegasus muttered.
“Me?!” Pinkie shouted back. “You helped cause it! In fact, I bet the whole town was probably here trashing the place.”
Rainbow Dash let out a disbelieving chuckle as she stood up. “Yeah, well right now I need to cause a pot of coffee to happen.”
The blue pegasus hobbled over to the kitchen. It too was in complete disarray. Food covered the floor, one of Rarity’s fine dresses was nailed to the wall as a dart board, and the sink was filled with green gelatin. Pinkie’s pet alligator lounged on top of the bouncy dessert to catch the morning sunshine from the open kitchen window. Dash approached the metal coffee pot on the counter and found it had been flattened with a hammer. Now there was the real crime here.
With a sigh, Dash turned to the fridge and opened the door. She was hit with the cold scent of alcohol that came from a giant wedding cake smashed and stuffed inside. The cake was decorated with a blue bottle of rum and Princess Celestia’s crown jewelry. Sobriety quickly returned to the pegasus.
“Uh Pinkie, I think we have a problem,” Dash said worriedly.
The pink pony hurried to the kitchen doorway. “I’ll say! I can’t find my party cannon anywhere!”
Dash pointed to the crown that was partly embedded in the cake. “No, we have Princess Celestia’s jewelry in Mrs. Cake’s fridge!” she shouted with concern. “Why do we have the royal crown in the fridge?!”
“I don’t know,” Pinkie confessed, “But it looks like we crashed some pony’s wedding too. Or maybe we hosted the reception and Celestia left it behind?”
At that moment a wisp of green magical smoke flew in through the kitchen window and transformed into a sealed scroll. It landed on an oily patch of dried nacho cheese on the ground before Pinkie Pie’s hooves. The two friends glanced at each other with apprehension before Pinkie picked it up and opened it. She read it aloud—
Dear Pinkie Pie,
I know you have them. You think you can hoard the goods from me and then skip out at the last minute? I don’t think so. I have ways to make you give them up and then I will give you what for. Prepare to lose the game!
Love,
Twilight Sparkle
“Oh my gosh!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Maybe we stole the princess’ jewelry! Twilight is going to give us what for and I don’t even know what the first three were!”
“Calm down Pinkie,” Dash interrupted. She put a hoof on Pinkie’s shoulder to keep herself steady. “Twilight is our friend. I’m sure we can apologize for whatever it was we did and just return the jewelry. They just need a little spit and polish.”
“Yeah, I suppose so,” Pinkie said with a nod. “Unfortunately Mrs. Cake’s kitchen is going to need a bit more than spit to clean up.”
A second wisp of magic smoke flew in and turned into a second scroll. Dash caught it and opened it up inquisitively. She blinked a few times, her vision still blurry from her hangover. Pinkie leaned in to read it—
Dear Pink Horse,
You think you can fool my star pupil by reneging? Not in a thousand years have I seen such an unscrupulous pony! You may have defeated Nightmare Moon once, but I shall take you down personally! Yadda yadda, just cut and paste the same threat to your partner in crime, Rainbow Dash. Prepare to lose!
Peaches,
Princess Celestia
“Okay, maybe an apology isn’t enough,” Dash said with a surprised expression.
Pinkie grabbed the blue pegasus by the cheeks. “What are we going to do, Dashie?! We’ve got two princesses angry at us now and they’re coming to get us! Game over, ponies!” she shouted. The pink earth pony turned to the blue bottle of rum in the fridge.
“This is all your fault, you evil drink of evilness! Why I…” Pinkie’s anger trailed into remorse. She lifted the bottle and held it lovingly to her cheek. “Aww, how can I stay mad at you?”
Dash grabbed the bottle out of Pinkie’s hooves. “Look, this is what we’re going to do,” Dash said with resolve. She put the bottle back in the fridge and grabbed the jewelry out of the wedding cake. With a slam, the blue pegasus shut the fridge door. After a moment of hesitation, Dash opened the fridge, grabbed the blue bottle of rum, and then slammed the door a second time.
“We’re going to wash the jewelry, contact Celestia, and return her stuff with the biggest apology we can muster,” Dash listed in a matter-of-fact tone. She picked up a saddlebag off the counter and placed both the bottle and the jewelry inside.
“Great idea!” Pinkie shouted. “Oh wait no… why don’t we just put on some ninja outfits, secretly break into the castle, and put the jewelry back on the throne before any pony notices?”
“Because with our luck,” Dash explained, “Our crazy scheme will run right into a wall of crazy happenstances that’ll just get us into trouble.”
Pinkie glanced at Rarity’s dress nailed against the wall.
“Okay, more trouble then we’re already in,” Dash corrected. She raised a hoof before her pink friend could ask another question. “And no, we will not involve Tank this time. My poor turtle is still afraid of cheese spread from your last crazy idea to get us out of trouble.”
“Alright, we’ll try it your way,” Pinkie said with a huff, “But first, we should totally find out what happened to my party cannon.”
“Uh huh,” Dash said skeptically, “And what does your cannon have to do with my plan?”
“Absolutely nothing,” Pinkie replied. “Well, the jewelry isn’t getting any cleaner.” The pink pony hurried out through the living room and into the hallway.
Rainbow Dash was about to exit through the kitchen window when she heard Pinkie trip and fall down a flight of stairs, along with the large object that tripped her. The blue pegasus quickly flew into the hallway and looked downstairs to check on her friend.
“Are you alright, Pinkie?!” Dash called out from the second floor.
“I found the couch!” Pinkie exclaimed happily.
There was a knock at the front door. Pinkie jumped to her hooves, but didn’t respond vocally. She looked nervously toward Dash, who floated quietly down the stairs. A second knock rapped at the door, but this time there was a familiar male voice behind it.
“Hello?” the voice asked. “Is Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash here? I have some questions about the jewelry they have in their possession.”
The two friends looked at each other in shock and then to the saddlebag Dash held. “That sounds like Soarin’,” the pegasus whispered. "He knows we have the crown."
The Cake family was not home and neither pony wanted to find out why Soarin’ was looking for them and the jewelry. They did the next best thing they could think of—escape from Sugar Cube Corner! The two friends snatched a couple of muffins and bolted out the back door. They raced through the alleyway without looking back.
~ ~ ~
Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie cautiously wandered around Ponyville. The earth pony wore the saddlebag with Celestia’s jewelry and the bottle of rum hidden away in a blanket. Dash flew low to the ground and kept an eye out for Soarin’ or any other pony that might be looking for them. With the Cake family out somewhere, the two friends hoped they had enough time to get the jewelry polished before they had to hurry back and clean the mess upstairs.
The town was unusually quiet today as the two ponies passed through the market. The streets remained almost empty of ponies and many of the shops were closed, including the jeweler. Although the quiet atmosphere helped alleviate the two ponies’ headaches, the eeriness of the empty streets bothered Dash.
“Where is every pony?” Dash whispered as she looked around the town square.
Pinkie shrugged. “Maybe they’re all at home nursing their hangovers?”
“Well, that might make sense for our friends if they were at the party,” Dash said slowly, “But every pony? I doubt you had the entire town crammed into that little upstairs house last night.”
The bushes beside the jewelry shop’s front door rustled without warning. Pinkie leaped into the air with a frightened scream and landed in Dash’s fore-hooves. “Look out, it’s a snipe!” the pink pony warned.
The jewelry store owner stood up from within the bushes and looked around in bewilderment. “A snipe?! Where? Don’t let it eat me!” The sepia-colored earth pony scrambled out of the bushes and checked his tail for signs of bite marks.
Rainbow Dash sighed and dropped Pinkie unceremoniously onto the ground. “There’s no snipe,” she explained, “But I would like to know why you were in the bushes?”
The jeweler thought for a moment. “Uh… well I wager I passed out here after drinking too much last night.”
“Were you at the party too?” Dash asked with great interest. She hovered closer to the jeweler. “What do you remember? Did you see Princess Celestia there?”
“Uh, no I didn’t go to any party,” the jeweler replied. “I remember you two came by to have some gems fixed to a tiara. You were both pretty buzzed and we got to talking about gemstones and then you offered me a drink… My memory is too fuzzy after that.”
“We had some gemstones?” Pinkie asked.
Dash patted the saddlebag on the pink pony’s back. “I think we did.”
“Oh,” Pinkie muttered. “Wait, if we had them before the party, then is this Celestia’s jewelry or not? And if not, where did these gems come from?”
The blue pegasus raised an eyebrow. “That’s a good question,” she admitted. She looked back at the jeweler. “Did you see which direction we came from?”
“The town hall I think,” the jeweler answered with a grimace. “Can I go now? I need something for this riveting headache I have.” He stumbled away in a random direction and left the two friends alone.
Dash looked over at the town hall. It was also closed despite the fact it should have been opened up early this morning. Dash pondered an idea that came to her. She hovered closer to Pinkie with a renewed smile upon her face. “Pinkie, are you pondering what I’m pondering?”
“Nope, not at all,” the pink pony replied.
Dash rolled her eyes. “Look, if Celestia was at our party last night, then the mayor was likely there as well.”
“Okay,” Pinkie said with a confused expression, “But why?”
“Well we both know the mayor can’t resist hob-knobbing with Celestia whenever she’s in town,” Dash explained. “If the mayor was at last night’s party, then she can tell us what happened and if these jewels are Celestia’s or not. Come on; let’s go talk to the mayor.”
Dash led the way to the town hall. She flew up to the main entrance, but a group of three stallions dressed in turtleneck sweaters picketed the doors. The group held up signs that read ‘New Lunar Banana Republic!’ with drawings of Celestia and bananas underneath the words. Pinkie caught up with the pegasus and looked curiously at the oddly dressed protesters.
“What’s a republic?” the pink pony asked the three stallions.
“Well, it’s like a monarchy, but you get to vote for the ruler,” the tallest one answered.
“So it’s like the mayor?” Dash said simply.
The protestors shook their head. “No, no! We’re protesting Celestia, the monarch ruler,” the tall one corrected. “If we wanted to protest the mayor, we’d have drawn Mayor what’s-her-name on our signs.”
“Mare,” Pinkie happily corrected.
“Yes the mayor,” the tall protester added.
“Mayor Mare,” the pink earth pony continued.
“That’s what I said, the mayor mayor!” the stallion reiterated. “Is there another kind of mayor around these parts?”
Dash swooped in between the two ponies. “Alright, enough of that! If I have to spell it out for you all, we’ll be here all day.” She turned her sights to the protesters. “We need to go inside and see the mayor.”
“The-”
“Yes, the mayor mayor. Of Ponyville!” Dash interrupted. “Now stand aside, you language-challenged idiot.”
“Tis but a pronoun disagreement!” the tall pony retorted.
“A what?” Dash asked angrily. “Your grammar is off!”
“No it ain’t!”
Dash pointed at the stallion’s face. “Then what’s that contraction you just used?”
“I’ve said worse,” the protester rebutted.
“You lie!”
“Come on, you pansy!” the tall pony shouted.
Dash darted into the stallion and the two ponies hit the ground with a hard thud. They rolled around the dusty ground as hooves pounded each other. Pinkie and the other two protesters watched in bewilderment, unsure if they should intercede or place bets.
The shortest protester held out a hoof to Pinkie. “The name’s Shortie. This is Midge, and the one fighting your friend is Alto.”
“Pinkie Pie,” the pink earth pony replied as she shook his hoof. “That's my friend Dash. You must be new here, because I don’t recognize any of you.”
“We’re from out of town,” Shortie admitted. “We came here on a mission to protest.” He glanced at Midge, who only grunted in agreement.
The pink earth pony nodded despite her lack of understanding. She dodged a stray kick from Alto meant for Dash. “So why are you protesting against Princess Celestia?” Pinkie asked.
“We need her attention,” Shortie admitted. He ducked as Alto flew over his head with Dash clinging to his friend’s tail. Shortie put his sign down. “See, Celestia is hard to get ahold of, so we thought it would be a great idea to get her attention with these signs demanding that the princess give into the will of her subjects.”
“Like what?” Pinkie asked as dodged another stray kick from the nearby tussle.
“Banana suits,” Shortie replied. “Celestia refuses to dress like a banana, and I think any self-respecting leader would consider such a simple request, so this protest is to make her citizens aware that she will not wear certain articles of clothing.” The stallion jumped up to avoid Alto who slid across the ground.
“So the jest of our protest should get Celestia’s attention,” Shortie summed up. “Then we’ll be able to ask for her crown jewels and we’ll go on our merry way.”
“Hey, funny you should say that,” Pinkie stated. “Dash and I actually have her-”
Rainbow Dash bucked the tall protester through the front doors of the town hall. She then turned and grabbed Pinkie around the waist. “No more chit-chat, let’s go!”
“Oh okay,” Pinkie said. “Well, goodbye Shortie! Good luck with your troubles!”
Dash limped into the town hall with Pinkie in tow. The pink pony noticed that her friend was quite roughed up from the fight and bled from several acquired scrapes. Pinkie tapped Dash on the shoulder. “Maybe we should take you to go see a doctor?” she pointed out with concern.
“I’ll be fine,” Dash said dismissively. The pegasus stopped abruptly and her eyes went wide.
Snuggled together under a blanket in the middle of the hall’s auditorium floor were Mayor Mare and the town doc, Doctor Stable. The doctor slowly awoke and rubbed the ache on his unicorn horn. As his senses sharpened, he jumped up with utter confusion on his face.
“Ah, why am I still here?!” Stable stammered as he pointed to the sleeping mayor beside him. “Ah, why are you two still here?!”
“What,” Dash replied flatly.
Mayor Mare awoke from the doctor’s screaming and rubbed her head. “Doctor please, my head is splitting enough as it… is?” She looked around with a confused expression upon her face.
“Oh, let me guess what happened!” Pinkie exclaimed with glee. “The mayor had a sleepover party? She’s wearing your stethoscope, so were you two playing a game? What’s it called?”
The mayor looked at the shocked doctor and frowned. “It’s called ‘nothing happened’, because the doc here passed out after just one shot of liquor.” She turned her attention to Pinkie Pie. “You two, however, are barred from bringing alcohol into the town hall ever again. Those curtains are going to have to be bleached.”
“What,” Dash flatly repeated.
The doctor quickly distanced himself from the angry mayor. “What did you two put in that bottle last night?” he asked. “My head feels like you threw a party inside it.”
“Oh, there must be some mistake,” the pink pony corrected. “Dash and I were at Sugar Cube Corner last night throwing the best party ever. We all couldn’t fit inside your little head. Isn’t that right Dashie?”
Rainbow Dash responded by abruptly passing out onto the floor.
Author's Note
Chapter 1 of 2. This story is based on a little adventure playtime I had with my daughter and her collection of ponies. It was pretty funny, so I adapted it into this short story.
Chapter 2 – About Last Night
Dash awoke on a hospital gurney within a long hallway. The walls slowly spun around as she tried to figure out which way was up. After three tries, Dash got her bearing again. Pinkie sat on a bench nearby eating half of a daffodil sandwich. The blue pegasus groaned and reached out to get her friend’s attention.
“What happened?” Dash asked.
Pinkie handed the blue pegasus the other half of her sandwich. “You passed out at the town hall. Doctor Stable said it was dehydration or something, probably from too much alcohol.”
Dash looked at her fore-legs. There were no bruises on them. “Did I not get an IV yet?”
“Nope,” Pinkie replied. “I think we’re on a waiting list.”
The blue pegasus looked down the hallway to her left. It was empty. She then turned to look down the right side of the hallway. There were no ponies in that direction either. “Yeah, standing room only,” Dash muttered sarcastically as she sat up and took a bite of the sandwich she was given. “So where’s the doc now?”
“Hiding in his office,” Pinkie replied as she pointed to the door beside her. “He didn’t want to talk about last night and asked us to never speak about what we saw at the town hall. I wonder if it has anything to do with the mayor?”
“Gee, I wonder,” Dash said before she gobbled her sandwich down.
One of the patient room doors opened and an elderly green mare in a wheel chair slowly rolled out. They recognized her as Granny Smith from the Apple family farm. The old mare chuckled as she rolled her wheelchair up to Dash and handed over to her a bottle of water.
“Well now, ain’t you just the spittin’ image of the day?” Granny said with a wiry grin.
“Hi, Granny Smith!” Pinkie exclaimed happily. “Did you fall and hurt your hip again?”
“Nope,” the old mare replied. “Just practicin’ for the Campton races is all. I used to be a mean little speedster back in my day. Got a lot of practice runnin’ from all the stallions chasin’ me, if you catch my meanin’. Not that you could catch me.” She slowly spun her wheelchair around in place.
“Uh, I’m pretty sure we could now,” Dash muttered unimpressed.
Granny Smith stopped after a complete rotation in her chair. “So, did Jack and Jose finally collect their bill from yas?”
“Who and who?” Pinkie asked with a confused expression.
Granny Smith nudged the blue bottle in Pinkie’s saddlebag. “Two of the four fellers you were hangin’ out with last night,” she explained. “I gotta tell you, I can’t hold the liquor like I used to, but you kids sure know how to throw a hoot-n-nanny here at the hospital. I’ve never seen a pink pony dance on a pole like that before.”
“We were here last night?” Dash asked, now curious to hear more.
“I danced on a what now?” Pinkie added as she wanted to hear less.
“Yeah, you both were here and passing around the bottle,” the old mare answered. “Not sure what happened to those two Wonderbolt fellers after you left. What were their names? Sore End and Rabid Fire?”
“Soarin’ and Rapidfire?!” Dash shouted out with surprise. “We were hanging out with two members of the Wonderbolts?” The pegasus watched Granny spin around again slowly as she awaited an answer.
“I don’t know,” the old mare answered. “Couldn’t even remember how to fish after all that drinkin’ you two offered.”
Pinkie and Dash exchanged glances. It seemed last night was a cascade of wild events that they were backtracking through. Unfortunately, this left more questions than answers. As Dash was about to ask another question, the double-doors at one end of the hall opened up and the three protesters stepped through. At the other end of the hall, the two aforementioned Wonderbolts turned the corner.
“Hey Pinkie!” Shortie called out. “I just realized that you have the crown jewels. We kind of need those, if you don’t mind.”
“No, those jewels belong to me!” Soarin’ countered. “Hand them over or face a beat down!”
The two groups charged at Pinkie Pie. The pink pony jumped up on the gurney and grabbed Dash for help while Granny rolled backwards from everyone. The blue pegasus kicked Alto away and slapped Rapidfire’s reaching hoof. The fight intensified as the two groups battled each other to grab Pinkie’s saddlebag.
“Every pony needs to calm down!” Dash yelled out.
Soarin’ head-butted Shortie back down the hall, but was knocked over when Midge jumped on his back like a springboard to reach the gurney. The makeshift bed was unable to hold the weight of three ponies and it collapsed to the floor with a loud 'crunch'. Pinkie flailed in a panic as Dash shoved ponies away from her.
Doctor Stable opened his office door and looked out at the fight. Several capsules of Alka-Seltzer were stuck to his furled brow as he took a step into the hallway. “What’s going on?!” the doctor shouted.
Granny smith jeered at the wrestling match between Soarin’ and Shortie. “The jugular!” the old mare shouted, “Go for the jugular!”
Pinkie broke through the crowd and pushed Stable aside to get into his office. Rapidfire jumped toward the pink pony, but Alto slammed into him from below to block. Dash flew over the crowd and squeezed past the stunned doctor. Pinkie Pie galloped to the window behind the doctor's desk.
“I need fifty cc of defenestration, stat!” the pink pony stated. She looked around for a heavy object to throw through the glass pane of the window, but both the desk and the filing cabinet appeared too heavy for Pinkie to lift, let alone throw.
Dash grabbed the office door and swung it at the group of ponies trying to get inside. “Hurry up and do something, Pinkie!” the blue pegasus warned. “I can’t hold them all off at once!”
Pinkie opened the window and jumped outside to pick up a cylindrical trash can. She pushed the can back inside the office and climbed in after it. The pink pony closed the window, lifted the can, and threw it against the pane of glass. The window shattered completely as the metal trash can hit the ground outside with a loud ‘thonk’.
“Okay, now we can go!” Pinkie happily said. She grabbed Dash by the tail and jumped outside with her friend and the saddlebag in tow.
The two groups halted their fight and galloped back to the opposite ends of the hallway in order to pursue the two ponies that had just left. The doctor remained outside the office door, completely dumbstruck. He turned to Granny Smith, the only other pony that remained.
“Don’t look at me,” the old mare said as she slowly rolled away on her chair. “I took my meds this mornin’.”
~ ~ ~
Pinkie and Dash stopped running once they reached Sweet Apple Acres. Everything appeared to be orderly, but no pony was out tending the fields today. This was a very unusual sight to see on the farm. Dash yanked her tail back and brushed it over with a hoof.
“Geez, Pinkie,” Dash said in a frustrated tone. “I think we should have stopped the fighting and turned the jewels over to the Wonderbolts.”
“That’s just it,” Pinkie responded as she walked over to the barn. “How did the Wonderbolts know we had the jewels? And why did Soarin’ state the jewels belonged to him, and not Celestia?”
“I’m sure he just misspoke,” Dash said dismissively. “Maybe he saw that we took them by accident at the party and he wanted to return them for us.”
There was a rustle from the haystacks outside the barn. Dash and Pinkie took defensive stances as they awaited to see who it was behind the hay. Slowly, the face of a white unicorn mare with a Stetson rose from behind the bales of hay. It was Rarity and she wore Applejack’s signature hat.
“Don’t tell me you got drunk off your rocker too,” Dash said plainly.
Rarity groaned as she massaged her horn. “I honestly can’t remember a thing from last night,” she said softly, “But I’m sure nothing crazy happened.”
Applejack limped out of the barn. “I beg to differ,” she said as she swept loose strands of hair from her eyes. The orange pony wore a frilly white wedding dress stained with chocolate, and there was smeared mascara upon her face. “Let’s pretend none of us saw any of this.”
“Wow,” Pinkie said with a snort. “This is like a bad shipping story written out of a drunken dare.”
Rarity and Applejack gave Pinkie an angry stare. “Pinkie, next time you invite me to a convention," Applejack stated, "It better be somethin’ tame like bronco buckin’.”
“Uh, what are you talking about?” Dash asked curiously.
The orange mare sat down on a bale of hay and plucked her hat back from Rarity. “Not surprised you don’t remember,” AJ said flatly. “You drank like a fish last night.”
Rarity interrupted with a proper explanation. “A wedding convention was in town yesterday, set up at the town library,” the unicorn began. “I had signed up to showcase a few wedding dress ideas I had and you all came over to help me set up.”
“A wedding convention?” Dash asked skeptically. “That doesn’t sound like the kind of thing I’d go to.”
“The food vendors hired the Wonderbolts for a publicity stunt,” AJ stated, “And somehow you got a hold of some alcohol, as our hangovers can attest.”
“Okay yeah,” Dash said. “I can totally see it now.”
Applejack let out an amused snort. “How’s granny doin’, by the way? She got herself dizzy racing around the convention toward the end and I recall you and Pinkie took her over to the hospital. I’m not sure why you’d take her there just for a dizzy spell, but we were all getting’ pretty plastered by that point in the evening.”
“Granny is just peachy,” Pinkie answered.
“I guess I better go pick her up,” AJ stated, “Now that I can finally see straight.”
The gears in Rainbow Dash’s mind turned with clarity. She looked over at Pinkie as her ideas lined up. “Pinkie, are you pondering what I’m pondering?”
“I think so Dashie,” Pinkie stated. “We were at the wedding convention in the library yesterday when this whole adventure started. It must have been where we first met the Wonderbolts, and likely where the protesters were too.”
“I… actually, yeah,” Dash said with astonishment. “You’re on the same page with me for once!”
“Honestly, it wasn’t my first guess,” Pinkie admitted, “But I had a hunch you weren’t thinking about curtains.”
Dash raised a hoof to responded, but decided against it. “Let’s get to the library,” she said as she lifted Pinkie into the air. Applejack and Rarity waved goodbye as Dash picked up Pinkie and flew off to the town library. As the two sailed through the air, Pinkie saw some familiar forms down below.
“Hey Dashie,” the pink pony called out. “I think I see those protesters following us.”
Dash looked behind and saw two distant forms trailing them in the air. “Yeah, I think they aren’t the only ones either,” she replied.
The blue pegasus dove and landed abruptly at the entrance to the library. The two friends quickly entered the tree-shaped building and locked the door behind them. Inside were stacks of tables and chairs, boxes of party favors for wedding receptions, and a pile of discarded advertisements for wedding caterers and M.C.s. It appeared the convention was mostly cleaned up, but there was no pony around now to finish packing the things away.
“Okay, so we were here yesterday,” Dash pondered aloud. “Huh, shouldn’t there be a cleanup crew taking all this stuff away? At minimum Spike should be somewhere around here.”
Pinkie pulled out some used streamers. They appeared to be the same kind that covered the furniture back at Sugar Cube Corner. “Hey Dash,” the pink pony said. “I think I found where we got all our party supplies from. We must have taken the discarded decorations from the convention after they cleaned up.”
“Alright, but where did the booze come from?” Dash replied as she pointed to the blue bottle in the saddlebag. “It doesn’t look like alcohol was served at this convention.”
Soarin’ and Rapidfire smashed a window into the library and dove in. They slowly approached the two friends, their wings outstretched. Seconds later the front door was kicked in by the three protesters. Pinkie and Dash were now surrounded.
“Hand over the jewels before they destroy your town!” Soarin’ commanded.
“No way, those fiends will totally blow up this place with them!” Shortie retorted.
“No, we’re here protecting the world from monsters like you!” Rapidfire countered.
Dash's mind spun with confusion. She grabbed the jewelry out of Pinkie’s saddlebag. “Now hold one just a minute!” she shouted. “Just who are you all really, and what’s so important about these jewels?”
“Particularly the part about who you all are,” Pinkie added, “Because I’m really lost on that part.”
Shortie stepped forward. “Those gems in the crown are actually pieces of a bomb. We came here to retrieve them from you before they fell into the wrong hooves.”
“Yeah, like you protesters who aren’t even real ponies?” Soarin’ snorted. “We’re here to protect this town from being destroyed by the dangerous power in those gems!”
“Look who’s talking!” Alto shouted.
Rapidfire raised his fore-hooves. “Bring it on, you cretins!”
“That’s it, everyone here just shut up!” Dash screamed. She popped the gemstones out of the jewelry and held them together. “I think you’re all off your clouds over these gems. There’s nothing special or dangerous about them at all.”
Pinkie nudged the stones closer together. “Actually, if you push these together here and then put this one on top…” Pinkie manipulated the stones like a simple jigsaw puzzle. As the stones connected together, the completed piece began to glow red and emit a high-pitched beep.
“Hurrah, I won!” the pink pony cheered. “What did I win?”
“Pinkie, what did you do?!” Dash shouted, holding the glowing device away from herself. “What does the beeping mean?”
Soarin’ scratched his head. “Either the battery is low or… it’s about to explode.”
“Quick, give it here!” Shortie commanded.
“No way!” Rapidfire countered. “We’re the ones who want to disarm it!”
Dash glanced around the room as her mind raced to figure out which group was the good side. An idea came to her and acted on it. “Okay, I have a sure way to settle this fight! The group telling the truth would know the answer to this question- Who’s the best pony here?”
“Well, obviously you,” Soarin’ responded. “You were hanging out with us yesterday, showing me how to do that signature Sonic Rainboom move you’re known for. Princess Celestia commented during the convention that you have the potential to be a great Wonderbolt once you graduate the academy.”
Dash nodded and turned to the protesters. “And your answer?”
Shortie scratched his head. “Well, the best pony is Fluttershy, isn’t it? We met you here at the convention and shared some cake samples when you said that Fluttershy would have looked real stunning in a wedding dress. Then later on Pinkie entered you in a contest where you won a huge wedding cake, so you decided to take it to Pinkie’s place and throw a party with it.”
Pinkie looked at Dash as her face lit up with recollection. “The protesters were the ones who gave us the gems to hold until Midge arrived with the tool to defuse the weapon!” the pink pony shouted.
Dash smiled back at Pinkie as she too remembered the details. “And the two Wonderbolts are the enemy who followed us for them. That’s why we disguised the gems as jewelry!”
“Uh, the bomb?” Shortie asked worriedly with his hooves outstretched.
The blue pegasus tossed the glowing weapon to Shortie. “You dudes are definitely telling the truth!” Dash proclaimed. “However, if you tell any pony else about who I said is the best pony, I’m going to flat-out deny it.”
“No!” the two Wonderbolts shouted as they rushed at the protesters. Dash and Pinkie stepped in their path to block as the three stallions quickly inserted the assembled gem into a black velvet bag. Dash held her place against Soarin’, but Rapidfire proved to be far stronger than Pinkie. The pink pony fell over backwards onto the wooden floor as Rapidfire trampled over her.
“Quick, Midge, use the bomb defuser!” Shortie commanded as he tackled Rapidfire. Midge reached under his sweater and produced a large metal hammer. With one swing he smashed it against the velvet bag. The weapon shattered into pieces and went silent. The glow was gone and the beeping noise fell silent. Only the scent of burned juice wafted out of the bag.
“It smells a lot like breakfast at Sweetie Belle’s place,” Pinkie mused.
Dash shoved Soarin' away. “Wait, was that it?” the blue pegasus said incredulously. “We could have just smashed this thing with a hammer?”
“What’s a hammer?” Alto asked in return.
Rapidfire lifted Shortie off his back and tossed him against a bookcase. “You will pay for this!” Rapid shouted angrily. “You may have destroyed the weapon, but you will not leave here alive!”
“Not if I can help it!” Dash said bravely as she flew between Rapidfire and Midge.
Soarin’ pulled out a small white sphere. He depressed an equal sign on the red stripe around the orb and the sphere began to hover in the air on its own with a soft hum. Alto and Midge galloped over to defend Shortie from the floating device.
“Dash, Pinkie, look out!” Alto warned. “He’s got an equalizer!”
The blue pegasus stared at the floating orb for a moment. “Uh, that’s a billiard ball.”
“Well, it is hovering,” Pinkie pointed out. “That’s not normal for billiards.”
“Still not feeling the worry here,” Dash responded.
The orb shot forward at Dash with lightning speed. The pegasus jumped up into the air as it sailed under her and collided against a table. The sphere bounced off and flew within inches of Pinkie's head. It continued to ricochet around the room in an attempt to hurt the ponies. This did not preclude the two Wonderbolts however, as the sphere sailed back at them as well.
“It’s out of control, you idiot!” Rapidfire shouted at Soarin’.
“This way!” Dash commanded. She led Pinkie and the protesters up the stairs to Twilight and Spike’s bedroom. The two Wonderbolts chased after them up the short flight of steps.
“I’ll hold them off!” Pinkie bravely stated. She grabbed pillows off Twilight’s bed and threw them at the pursuing pegasi. “Take that! And that! And one of these!” Pinkie shouted. She stopped throwing pillows when she found a small pony doll of Rainbow Dash under the covers.
“I didn’t know Twi was into voodoo,” Pinkie muttered with confusion.
“That’s not… nevermind the doll!” Dash yelled out. She pushed the window open and grabbed the injured Shortie. “I’ll take everyone outside through here!”
The protesters all jumped on top of Dash. Their combined weight yanked the blue pegasus out of the air and they fell down through several tree branches until the ground halted their path abruptly.
“Ugh, not all at once, you morons!” Dash scolded.
Pinkie grabbed the last two pillows off the bed and leaped out the window. Rapidfire swung to grab Pinkie, but she was just out of his reach. The pink pony held the pillows underneath herself as she hit the ground with a hard splat and bounced onto her back.
“Owww,” Pinkie cried out in pain, “I guess that’s what they mean by down pillows…”
The two pegasi jumped out of window and flew down to the protesters. “The party’s over,” Soarin’ said with a wide grin.
“How about one last call?” Pinkie said as she plucked the blue bottle from the saddlebag. She pulled it back and threw the hard liquor at the two Wonderbolts. The bottle hit true and shattered against Soarin’s head. Glass and liquid splashed both pegasi and immediately began to burn away their clothing and fur coats painfully.
“What was in that rum?” Pinkie asked in shock.
“That was our ship’s fuel!” Shortie cried out. “We needed that to get home!”
In seconds, both ponies showed that underneath their skin was a blue-green gelatin body with strange bits of matter floating in it. The two now monstrous creatures growled and grabbed both Shortie and Midge.
“Hold on, what?!” Dash shouted. “Okay, I figured they weren't the real Wonderbolts, but... they’re not even ponies?”
“Err, no,” Alto answered. “You forgot that they were aliens?”
“Wait, wait, wait, wait… wait!” Pinkie angrily shouted as she flailed her arms. The two gelatin creatures dropped their captives on the ground. “Let me get this straight. The Wonderbolts are not ponies, but pony-shaped gelatin aliens that were after us for the jewels that weren’t jewels, but in fact a bomb you put together like a puzzle, and this bottle of rum, that I’d like to remind everyone here got totally wasted before I could even have a glass of it, was fuel for some kind of ship for the protesters, who apparently aren’t really protesters nor from this planet because they’re in fact aliens from some other planet as well?”
“Uh, well yeah,” Shortie said softly.
Pinkie growled. “So what in Celestia’s name do you protesters look like underneath those sweaters? Beer nuts?!”
The equalizer smashed through a window and flew up toward the group. It hovered menacingly at Rainbow Dash. The two gelatin aliens chuckled as the battle was now indeed, equalized.
“Haha!” one of the alien creatures bellowed. “Prepare to be destroyed by our second most deadly weapon!”
Dash landed in front of the floating sphere and stood up on her hind legs. “That’s it!” she said sternly with her fore-hooves raised to fight. “You want a piece of me? Come and get it!”
The orb vibrated for a moment and then charged the foot-and-a-half distance into Rainbow Dash’s forehead. It bounced away with an audible 'Clunk!'.
"Oww!" Dash shouted as she rubbed the sharp pain on her forehead. The orb was on the ground, motionless. Everyone stared at the now inert orb as dash nudged it with a hoof. “You know, somehow I’m not surprised by this,” the blue pegasus said flatly.
“These ponies are tough!” the second alien muttered. “We should retreat and come back with a better weapon!”
The first nodded in agreement. “We shall unleash… the infinity ball!”
There was a burst of light as four regal ponies appeared overhead. “That’s what you think!” Princess Celestia shouted as she landed and struck a pose. The other three princesses, Luna, Cadence, and Twilight, landed beside Celestia and struck equally odd poses.
“Prepare for trouble,” Celestia stated, “And make it… um, four times as bad!”
Twilight reared up onto her hind legs. “Ours is a party to pierce the heavens!”
“On behalf of the moon,” Luna shouted with wings spread wide, “We’ll punish you!”
Cadence stepped forward and began to cast a spell. “You creatures of darkness know nothing of love and tolerance! Now, be banished to the void of the groin-kick dimension!”
As Cadence’s spell began to intensify, the other three princesses joined her and formed a large sphere of energy. The two aliens hugged each other in fright, unable to move. The energy of the spell burst forth as a beam of hot-white light against the two aliens. They screeched and bubbled away until they were utterly vaporized.
The protesters stood there in awe as Pinkie and Dash exchanged a look of complete confusion. “Is there actually a ‘groin-kick’ dimension?” Pinkie asked Cadence.
Cadence let off a loud belch. “I have no idea,” she said happily.
“Why are you all acting so weird?” Dash inquired. “Are you all… drunk?”
“Oh no, no,” Luna corrected. “We only partook in some of that delicious mashed wedding cake in your fridge. ‘Tis completely healthy with the dried fruit pieces inside.”
“I admit it,” Celestia added happily, “I had an extra piece. Two pieces.”
“Reese’s pieces,” Twilight blurted out with a giggle. The four princesses sat down to laugh whole-heartedly with each other. Twilight and Cadence promptly passed out on the grassy ground.
Pinkie leaned in toward Dash. “I think it was a rum cake,” she whispered.
“A really good rum cake,” the blue pegasus replied quietly.
Celestia waved a hoof at the protesters. “You three are free to go back to… wherever it was you came from. If you come visit us again, I hope it won’t involve locating a misplaced weapon.”
“Yes, we apologize for that,” Shortie stated. “We’ll remember to include proper postage next time we mail a weapon by galactic post.” The protesters bowed to the four alicorns and then turned to face Dash and Pinkie.
“However, our fuel was destroyed in the fight and we’re stranded until we can find a new source.”
Pinkie shrugged. “Why not just use the rum cake in my fridge back at Sugar Cube Corner? It seems to have plenty of alcohol in it.”
“That could work,” Alto said to Shortie. “Midge, what do you think?”
Midge grunted.
“Yeah, these are strange creatures,” Alto agreed. “They can drink such toxic fuel and it only appears to make them more jovial.” The tall stallion glanced over at Luna, who was looking at her reflection in the defunct equalizer sphere.
“Very well, we’ll use your cake substance,” Alto said. “We had a great time at your party, Pinkie. You’ll have to teach me that dance you did with the pole someday.”
“I’m not sure I want to know it, let alone teach it,” Pinkie muttered.
Celestia approached the two ponies. “Dash, you and Pinkie have saved this town from disaster, and while none of us will remember this occasion after we’re all hung over from our afternoon naps, you two are welcome to any reward you see fit.”
Dash blinked her eyes. “So,” she began slowly, “You’re not out to get Pinkie and I?”
“Yeah,” Pinkie interrupted. “We got two letters this morning from you and Twilight that it was totally game over for us!”
Celestia let out a hearty laugh. “Oh forgive us for writing those, but that was from our big game of Uno last night,” Celestia explained. “Pinkie was holding all the Skip cards so that she could win the final round. Twilight and I were only having fun with those letters. I didn’t mean to send them out with this morning’s mail.”
“So, I’m not in trouble?” Pinkie asked to clarify.
“Only if you want to be,” Celestia happily chirped.
Dash thought about a reward and came up with a good idea. “Hey Pinkie Pie, we should ask them to totally clean up the mess upstairs at Sugar Cube Corner as our reward,” she told her friend.
Pinkie nodded. “Yeah! That would be super awesome and then we wouldn’t get in trouble with Mrs. Cake!” She turned to Celestia with a big smile. “Dashie and I would like you to clean the upstairs mess at Sugar Cube Corner!” the pink pony shouted gleefully.
“You got it!” Celestia proclaimed. “Mekka-lekka high, mekka hiney-ho!”
There was a pause, followed by Celestia throwing a giggle-fit. “I said hiney!” She promptly fell over onto the grass and laughed herself silly.
Dash suddenly thought that their wish might have been premature. “Hold on,” the blue pegasus said with concern. “Maybe we should wait until every pony is sober before they cast any more spells.”
“Aww, so we have to clean everything up ourselves?” Pinkie asked crestfallen.
Shortie raised a hoof. “Here, allow us to undo that mess,” he said. “It’s the least we could do to repay your bravery. We’ll even ensure all your friends forget everything that happened as well.”
“I think the alcohol took care of that,” Dash said as she pointed to the princesses.
The protesters joined hooves and a flash of white light beamed out from them. Rainbow Dash covered her eyes and braced for whatever was about to happen. She felt a gentle warmth pass through her body, but nothing more than that. It grew quiet and the air took on the aroma of a clean kitchen.
Dash opened her eyes. She sat at the table in Mrs. Cake’s upstairs kitchen. Across from her sat Pinkie Pie who remained with eyes shut and teeth clenched. The blue pegasus looked around and noticed that the kitchen and living room were both spick and span. The tile floor shined so brightly that Dash could see her reflection in it.
“Pinkie, you can open your eyes!” Dash exclaimed. “Everything is clean!”
The pink pony slowly looked around her. She was overjoyed that the rooms were as tidy as ever. Pinkie got up and checked the fridge. Most of the rum-soaked wedding cake was gone, and now she clearly saw that her party cannon was there.
“Dashie, look!” the pink pony shouted. “My party cannon was buried under the cake the whole time!”
“Well good for you,” Dash said. She stretched her wings. “Ugh, aliens and monsters... I'm not even sure I can believe everything that just happened. Remind me to swear off drinking for at least a week.” She looked outside the kitchen window and saw the townsfolk of Ponyville were finally all out and about. They hung their heads low as they slowly worked off their hangovers to get on with their day.
The two friends heard the sound of several ponies walking into Sugar Cube Corner below. Mrs. Cake’s voice bellowed angrily from downstairs. “Who covered the couch in food and threw it down the stairs?!” she screamed angrily. “Pinkie Pie!!”
“Well, see ya!” Dash said as she jumped out the kitchen window.
“Wait for me, Dashie!” Pinkie shouted as she dived out of the window behind Rainbow Dash. Pinkie held on to Dash’s rear legs as the pegasus flew them expediently as far away as her wings could take her.
“Keep flying Dash, and don’t stop ‘till we reach Cloudsdale!”
Author's Note
Alcohol was actually involved when writing this chapter.
It is a pretty random story, but I had a lot of fun writing it. Sometimes a writer just has to empty all the weird leftover ideas out of their head to make room for that amazing tale that comes up next. That tale, is well underway...
