Fuck Chapter Names, Read This Shitty Story
Trevor Phillips and I Become Marty Sues in Equestria
By Awesomedude17, one of the Marty Sues
I awoke to a sunny place, sitting next to a man with severe body odor, shitty clothes, a bald spot, and looks like shit. I looked like shit too, but bar brawls happen. I stood up and looked around.
"The fuck's this place?" I said in this old-ass place.
"Ugh, who's there?" The man spoke like he was from Southern Canada.
I saw the shitty man get up, so I said something.
"Who are you?"
"I am Trevor Phillips, CEO of Trevor Phillips Enterprises, and professional bank robber." He said with no small amount pride.
"Shit man, that's awesome."
"Fuck yeah it is. Now, let find a bar..."
"FUCK YES!!!"
And so we walked out, find ourselves in a fucking forest.
"Fuck me, we are nowhere." I said the obvious.
"FUCK!!!"
And then, some kind of demon came to us. Trevor and I ignored his bullshit about an offer we can't resist, and Trevor...
"I'm gonna stop you right there. You see, I don't care for your bullshit, alright! So FUCK OFF!!!" Trevor grabbed the demon by the neck, and tossed him into the chasm. Dumbass.
"So, what now?" Trevor said as he clapped his hands together.
"I don't know. Wanna fuck shit up?"
"I always want to fuck shit up, let's do it!" He took out a rocket launcher? How'd he do it with nothing to hold it in? Fuck it, it's cool.
"Let's do this!"
"You're not doing anything."
The two of us looked to to see a woman, with a horn, and wings. The fuck? Her hair was colorful, and blowing in the wind that does not exist. And she had white fur. The fuck is wrong, am I tripping on acid?
"Am I tripping on acid?"
"No, you are not."
"Then why are you here?"
"You came here, and now I need to send you back."
"Hold on, before we go, is there booze?" Trevor asked.
"Ermm, yes. Would you like some? We can go to..."
"Hells yeah, I want booze!"
"Yeah, take us to the bar!"
And thens we iz drunk... teh unds...
"Fuck off... t-this is the moat fun I had since... aboot..."
"Fuck off Trevor, you drunk... you drunk..."
"No... you are the one... that is the cabbage patch..."
"Umm... Princess... Who is that?"
"Woah... I am seeing purple pony-chicks..."
"Me too Trevor... I am drunk."
"How's... you find out my name?"
"You tolds me, you tolds me while we were drunk! We are brothers in all but blood."
"SCOOTER BROTHERS!!!"
"Wut?"
"Scooter brothers! Come on scooter brother."
"What? Why are you singing about being ''Scooter Brothers?" Ahgh, purple blur.
"Because... we are... SCOOTER BROTHERS!!! We will go on a journey, a journey of scooters!"
"You... you sing l-like bullshit mang.............................. I'm throwing up now."
And then I threw up and passed out.
I woke up with a severe hangover. And the place I was in was on fire.
"Oh thank Celestia, we need to get out of here, Sombra is back!" Some purple chick said.
"Who?"
"Oh my God, who started this fire!?!? I wanted to do it first!"
"Calm down what's your face, we'll burn down stuff later."
"It's Trevor!"
"Um, tree, fire, EVIL!!!"
"Fine, let's get out!"
And so Trevor and I jumped out the window as I grabbed the mystery chick, and Trevor grabbed another dude. No explosions though? How are we supposed to be awesome?
"Alright, what was that?"
"I dunno Trevor, but this Sombra dude fucked with the wrong guys!"
"Hell yeah!" Trevor took out a grenade launcher. How? Again, who cares.
"Woah, other colored chicks." I said.
"Where?"
"There."
"Huh... WOW!!! Nice ones." I wanted to figure out what he was looking at, and then, I saw it, or rather, them.
All I could do was mouth 'wow.'
"Umm, why are you staring at me?" The yellow one asked.
Quick, don't say tits, or boobs, or sweater kittens... actually... nah...
"Wait, what are we supposed to do?" I asked myself.
"Umm, run away from King Sombra!!!" The rainbow haired one yelled.
"Or, we could kick his..."
"Nice tits, yellow one!"
"EEP!!!"
"Erm, now that he said it, I had the same idea."
"Do you have any shame!?" The white one yelled. Kinda whiny.
"Nope." Trevor and I unisoned, getting up and walking towards the chaos.
"H-HEY, DON'T THERE, THAT'S WHERE..."
"Hmm..."
"Too late." The purple sounds soooo scared.
"And who's this asswipe?"
"Fool, I am King Sombra, a being of..."
"Assholery!" Trevor yelled, smirking.
"What? How dare you?"
"I dare me to say fuck off to you, or do you want me to get my dick out in front of you, huh, HUH!!!"
"Dude, don't do that in front of me!"
"Me neither!" Whitey yelled.
"Dude, there are foals around here!" Rainbow head said.
"Yeah, what the three of you said!" Huh, she pink as FUUUUUUUUCK.
"Yeah I am!" Oh look, she read the dialog, weird.
"Whatever..." Trevor looked at the black armor guy, Sombra, was it? Who cares, Trevor unceremoniously just shot him in the face with a shotgun, and that was that. Just a red mist, a lot of blood, and a saved day.
"W-what did y-y-you..." The big-titty girl just fainted. Haaaa... wow.
"I have to say, that was more fucking stupid that I thought it was going to be."
"Wha... how... What's that thing he's holding? How'd it..."
"It's a gun, sweet tits, and it fires bullets." Trevor said like a smartass would.
"You know what, for once, I do not want to know what it does for once."
"Yeah." I said. The guards then came in golden armor and then looked at the scene.
"Don't worry boys, I took care of the threat." The guards looked at the corpse, then at Trevor, then back at the body. They soon tackled the skinny dude in shit clothing.
"What the FUCK? Why are you arresting me?"
"You are under arrest for murder!"
"Didn't see that coming."
"I did, I mean, Trevor just killed King Sombra, admittedly a good thing, but still, in cold BLOOD!!!" The purple one screamed at the last word.
"YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!! I SAVED YOUR ASSES!!! WHERE'S MY FUCKING PARADE!!!"
"I feel mighty sorry fer Trevor." The chick that said it would pass off as a chick with a deep tan. Still orange though.
"Whatever, I'll go to the trial when it comes."
"It's not that simple..." The purple one facepalmed.
"Why?"
"I was going to just send you back, but your friend in prison has just killed in cold blood."
"Come on tall bitch, just cut your losses and let us go home."
"One, this is a murder trial, there is no ifs, ands, or buts about this. Two, do not call me a bitch."
"Fine then, at least let me talk to him."
"...Allowed."
I walked in with two guards, who were holding two crossbows at me. I sat down on the seat and looked at Trevor.
"So, how's prison?"
"Ehh, nothing like the old joint."
"You went to prison?"
"Jail, those cops are corrupt assholes, you know that?"
"Shit yeah."
"But seriously, we need to get out of here, I haven't had a fix in days."
"Fix?"
"Fuck, you know what I mean, get out you asshole, get the fuck out." He finished in a guttural tone. He got up, right before turning around, and scrowled at the two guards.
Needless to say, they tensed up. They must have been scared of this guy.
"Blitz."
"Yeah?"
"I peed a bit."
"... Me too."
"HA!"
"Not funny!" They yelled at the same time. Wow, these ponies are psychic.
"...How do you plead?"
"No fucking contest!"
"Denied, you will go for the trial as such. Witness, come to the stand to testify."
My turn, I went to the stand, and told the story.
"Therefore, we have no reason to know all of the laws here."
"But surely, you must recognize that murder is still illegal, regardless of the crimes of the victim."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"... Fuck this." I just got up and jumped out the window. Trevor did the same, and then there were guards everywhere.
"Let's get the fuck out of here!" Trevor yelled as he punched out three guards.
"Yeah, let's."
And so, we ran to the forest. Minutes later, we found a stone castle, the same we been too a few weeks ago.
"Back to square one."
"Yep."
"No."
We turned and saw that white woman, clearly angry.
"...Oh, about the trial..."
"I shall punish you, by exiling you to a distant realm!!!" She then took us out of this world, and then I recognized where we were.
"The Vanilla Unicorn?"
"HEY-EY!!! I own this place! Hey, you two, why are you scared, it's just me!" Trevor clearly forgot the fact that we appeared out of nowhere, at all.
I wonder how that bitch would react if she saw this.
As Celestia, Luna and the Mane Six watched the two psychopaths get lap dances and drinks, the Princess of the Sun facepalmed.
"I chose the most dangerous place in another universe, and they apparently call it their home. I swear, if Discord was involved..."
"I wasn't, but you had to admit, it was very chaotic, yes?"
"Be quiet Discord." Luna said softly.
"Nope!"
Teh Und!!!
Author's Note
Attention, it has come to my attention how popular Trevor is, and how violent he is. He IS Marty Sue incarnate. Naturally, someone had to parody it, me. Self-Insert Marty Sue because fuck it, this is parody, no one take it seriously, it is meant for shits and giggles.
