or, "How to Misspeak with the Best Possible Results"
View Online

Absolutely Batty

or, "How to Misspeak with the Best Possible Results"

Absolutely Batty, or How to Misspeak with the Best Possible Results
Something fluffy and involving the awesomeness that is bat ponies
by NotARealPonydotcom

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

It was well past midnight on one of the warmest nights of the summer when, from high above the Canterlot Castle, a bat mare stopped flapping her wings and began to plummet towards the ground.

From his post just outside the entrance to the Canterlot Gardens, which happened to be only a few yards from the exact spot the bat mare was plummeting towards, Bright Sky noticed this and sprang into action, spreading his wings and shooting up into the air in a single leap. With his eyes set on the falling pony and her path down through the sky, he sped forward with his hooves outstretched, ignoring the complaints his wings had at being used so strenuously at such a late hour. The grimace on his face intensified as he accelerated, and the wind rushing past him caused his eyes to tear up. Blinking as little as possible, Bright Sky pushed, gritting his teeth as the pain in his wings intensified. The bat pony was getting closer, closer, closer, but it was too late and she was already past him and he grasped and caught—

"YEEEEAAAUGHHH!" the mare screamed, thrashing wildly as her eyes snapped open and her head snapped back. She twisted her head to look up at the pegasus gripping her tail tightly. She snarled at him, her eyes filled with a mix of horrendous pain and righteous fury. The pegasus almost regretted stopping her fall. Almost.

"What the HAY did you do that for?" the bat mare yelled through gritted teeth. Her wings unfurled, and she fluttered them to push her body into an upright position in the air. She winced as the pull on her tail slackened, and yanked the mess of faded blue hair out of Bright Sky's hooves, grunting as more pulses of pain surged up through her body. "You could have torn my entire flank off, for Celestia's sake!"

The pegasus stared at the bat mare with an incredulous look on his face. He realized his hooves were still held up as though holding something, and he lowered them slowly as he watched the bat pony stroke her tail lovingly. She noticed him staring and, hugging the tail to her body, snapped at him:

"Well? Apologize!"

Taken aback by the outburst, Bright Sky fluttered backwards a little, as though the bat mare's snap had forced him that way. His mouth opened, but he could not immediately think of the proper response to the bat pony's demand. He simply floated there for a moment, staring at the mare with an unhinged jaw, before the words finally came to him:

"Are you out of your mind?" he asked.

"Wh—"

But the words had come to him, and there was no stopping them now: "You decide to just stop flying at, what, two hundred yards off the ground? Then you get me into a panic, because from down there"—he gestured to the spot that he was meant to stay at—"it looks like maybe you've seriously hurt yourself and are in the process of falling to your death. So that sends me rushing up after you, even though I've been working for sixteen hours straight already and my wings can't take much more of anything at all, and all the while I'm thinking, 'Holy smoke, holy smoke, holy smoke, Bright Eyes is falling to her death and I might not be able to save her' like you're actually in trouble. But when I finally catch you, it turns out that you were completely fine and just gave me a panic attack for no reason, and now you're asking me to apologize?"

Bright Eyes the bat pony glared at Bright Sky the pegasus as she processed his rant in her mind. Realizing and hating that he actually had a point, she blushed and looked back down at her tail, hugged it tighter, and mumbled, "You really could have hurt me, Sky."

The pegasus groaned and tilted his head back, staring up at the moon instead of over at the bat mare. He realized with a start that the adrenaline that had powered him through his speedy flight was beginning to wear off, and a wave of tiredness rushed over him, as well as one of nausea. He swallowed and turned back to the bat mare.

"Yeah, well, you would have hurt me worse. What were you even thinking?"

The bat equine continued to stroke her tail, an innocent and haughty look adorning her face. "If you must know, I was thinking something along the lines of, 'Hm, tonight's totally boring, and Sky's being a stick in the mud again. I know, how about I try a trick while I keep watch!'" She let her tail slide through her hooves back into its normal position, hanging between her hind legs, and put her front hooves on her hips as she tilted her head at Bright Sky and added, "That a sound enough explanation, Lieutenant?"

"Not really!" the pegasus exclaimed. "What kind of trick is plummeting hundreds of hooves to the ground?"

Bright Eyes snorted and responded with a sneer: "Uh, the kind where you keep your wings to your sides until you're at maximum falling speed, then break away at the last possible second and do a wide inverted loop straight upwards?"

"That sounds too dangerous to do at night, especially in your armor—"

"Oh, come on, Sky!" the bat pony shouted. "You know me better than that! We've been friends for more than a decade. How long until you get it through your thick skull that I'm a bat pony?" She knocked on his head to emphasize her point. "Bat ponies see in the dark!" She let out a giggle and added, "Dummy!"

"I know that," Bright Sky snapped, "but I still think that that was a stupidly dangerous thing to—"

"Once again, you know who I am!" Bright Eyes continued. "You know how good I am at performing stunts!"

"I also know how many times you've ended up in a hospital because you thought you could be 'like the Wonderbolts!'"

The bat mare tilted her head and stared in disbelief at Bright Sky, before suddenly letting out another giggle. She brought her hoof up to her mouth and snickered into it, much to Bright Sky's surprise.

"What?" he demanded. "What's so funny?"

Bright Eyes held up her free hoof, pleading for a moment to gather herself with it, and went on giggling. When she was finished, she flashed a smirk at Bright Sky and said, "Oh, nothing... mother." Then she went back to giggling.

Bright Sky sighed in frustration and rubbed his forehead. More waves of tiredness crashed against him, and he found himself fighting to keep his eyes open. He decided that chewing his friend out any further would be a waste of time, and turned in the air. He faced the ground and, using his wings to move slowly, lowered himself back to the surface of the planet. Touching down on the soft garden grass, he took another look, and wasn't particularly surprised to see that Bright Eyes was plummeting again. He didn't bother trying to stop her this time, now that he knew what she was up to. He started back towards his post, grumbling about how she could possibly have so much energy after being awake as long as she'd been. It seemed the bat mare never slept, though when she did, he could do nothing to wake her from her slumber. He knew this as a fact: it was the first thing he'd learned about Bright Eyes, when they'd met twelve years ago.

He'd found her in a tree one night, in his backyard. He'd been ten then, without a cutie mark or any knowledge of what a bat pony was, and he faced the new creature sitting in his tree with curiosity more than anything. For thirty minutes, he tried to wake her, using any technique he could think of, and when none of them worked he simply shoved her out of the tree. Even then, he found, she would not wake, and so he stayed by her side until she finally did so on her own. He could remember clearly that first time she'd smiled at him, showing of the pearly white fangs that seemed to glint in unison with her neon golden eyes.

"You've got some really soft grass!" she'd quipped, and thus the two came to know each other under the branches of a pear tree. Their friendship had been a surprise to nopony: back in their shared hometown, both had been known for their infatuation with the Royal Guard. Bright Sky had seen it as a way to go on adventures and meet mares; Bright Eyes wanted to repay the princesses for integrating her family into the regular lives of the daytime ponies of Equestria. From playing soldier in Bright Sky's backyard to making sketches of each other in armor to the day they'd made the trip to Canterlot together to officially sign up, the two had spent more time together than they had with their own families. Nothing tore them apart, not even their work schedules: Bright Sky often took nighttime shifts, as did Bright Eyes with daytime ones.

Hence his exhaustion. Over the past three days, he'd gotten approximately eight hours of sleep, most of which came from twenty minute increments that were not-so-inconspicuously mixed in with his work shifts. Fortunately, this shift he was nearing the end of now was his last for an entire twenty-four hours, and he knew exactly how he wanted to spend them.

Reaching his post once more, Bright Sky began humming to himself as the thought of his day off consumed his mind entirely. He was so absorbed in his fantasies of slumber that his memory of what Bright Eyes was doing completely slipped his mind. All he could think of was pillows and blankets and the scent of freshly washed sheets and—

SLAM!

Bright Sky was torn from his imagination by something that tore him from the ground and flung him across the garden. He couldn't even whimper as the air rushed out of his lungs, and he felt his helmet tumble off his head as he struck the ground again. Wincing and hissing under his breath, the pegasus rolled and rolled, denting and scratching his armor plenty as he did so. He came to a stop underneath a plum tree, which he stared up at in shock as his mind processed what had just happened. He tried to think of what might have hit him, but such thoughts could not form completely in his mind, as a coughing that came from his right took his attention away from them. He glanced that way, trying not to turn his aching head too much. He caught a glimpse of the silhouette of a pony in a dust cloud formed from his rolling, and he recognized the shape of the pony's body immediately. His blank expression flashed to one of shock and disbelief as he heard Bright Eyes say:

"Oh, that was awesome! What a freaking rush! I gotta try that again sometime..." The adrenaline-high bat pony looked over at Bright Sky with a grin stamped on her face. She noticed something on his face, and her smile flickered a little.

"Crud," she said, "your armor's busted. The cloaking spell stopped working. You're you again."

Bright Sky looked down at himself and saw that Bright Eyes was correct; the spell contained within each day guard's armor, which made them appear identical to one another, had been shorted out by either his clash with Bright Eyes or his impact against the plum tree. He watched the last of the white drain from his now crimson coat. Glancing up with his naturally silver-blue eyes, he could see that his mane had also reverted to its natural color, a dark scarlet. Even with the moon brightening up the night, he was dark enough to be almost invisible, against the right backdrop; say, the brown bark of a tree.

"Man, it's like you're camouflaged when you're up against that plum tree," Bright Eyes noted, squinting at the grounded pegasus. "Step forward a bit, I want to see what you look like."

Surprisingly, he obeyed her; he got to hooves and took a step forward. The light of the moon shone down on him, revealing his slightly battered body in his damaged armor. He gawked at Bright Eyes, not understanding how the bat mare could be so energetic after slamming into him. He felt something begin to boil deep in his stomach, and his mouth twisted into a snarl as his friend whistled and smirked at him.

"Mmmm," she moaned. "You look good with your normal coat beneath that armor." She put a hoof to her cheek, and Bright Sky was certain he spotted a blush. "Maybe we could talk to whoever makes the stuff, convince him to keep you like this." She then took notice of the large lump forming on the side of his head. She grinned sheepishly, and lowered her hoof, mumbling as she did: "Sorry about that, by the way. I didn't think you were that lightweight. I thought you would—"

"What?!?" Bright Sky yelled, charging forward as his anger burst out. His muzzle touched hers as he continued, "You thought I would what, exactly?"

Taken aback by her friend's outburst, Bright Eyes answered in stutters:

"I—I don't know what I thought would happen—"

"No, really!" the pegasus spat, interrupting her once more. "Please inform me how you thought slamming into me after a stunt like that would end! It's something that really—urk!" He winced, and took a step away to cradle his chest with a hoof: it still ached whenever he took too deep a breath. He ground his teeth to fight back another groan, and finished, "—interests me."

Bright Eyes' smile had all but disappeared by that point, and she reached out a hoof to console him. "L-Look, Sky," she stammered, confidence draining faster than her adrenaline: "I didn't mean to hurt you—"

"Hurt me?!" he barked, dodging her hoof. "I thought you were trying to murder me with that stunt!"

The bat mare frowned at him and tilted her head, giving him a look that, somehow, was both apologetic and annoyed at the same time. "Come on, Sky. I know that couldn't have hurt as much as you're acting it did. I mean, I hit you head on, and I'm fine." She knocked on her skull with a hoof and winced in pain; it seemed the universe decided to treat her to some justice after all. Bright Sky smirked, and rubbed his chest again as he replied, in a calmer voice:

"You're right. That stunt didn't give you any brain damage or anything. You already had that."

Bright Eyes shot him a dirty look, but it soon morphed into a gaudy smile. "Ha!" she laughed. "I knew it! You're totally fine, dude, admit it!"

"I am not fine!" Bright Sky snapped. "And even if I was, I'd still be pissed off at you! You could have killed us both with that move! You're lucky that only my armor got busted, which I hope you realize you'll be paying for, thank you very much! Oh, and the way you just pass it off as nothing and start checking me out? What the hay is that?"

The mare groaned, rolling her golden eyes up at the star-dotted sky. "Celestia, Sky, you're too much of a killjoy! When did you stop liking excitement?"

"Maybe when my best friend started acting absolutely batty!"

And there it was, plain as day: the mistake. He had erred to the highest of degrees, and his realization of this sent the anger flying from his face and replaced it with gut-shrinking, all-consuming fear.

"Excuse me?" growled Bright Eyes, eyes growing wide with terrifying, quiet rage.

The change had taken place in the blink of an eye: no longer was Bright Sky regarded with playful sarcasm. No, what he faced now was a predator, the kind that would not let his mistake pass without letting him know exactly how big of one it was. Her fangs flashed in the light of the moon, as did her eyes. The twin golden orbs glared at him with a ferocity that he'd not seen for almost four years. So fearful of the bat pony's rage was he that when she took a step forward to come closer to him, he took three back. He would have taken more, had his flanks not bumped into the plum tree he'd been knocked into earlier.

"What does that mean?" Bright Eyes spat. Having brought her face within inches of his, Bright Sky felt spit fleck his muzzle. He could almost feel the burn of its poison against his skin, and he resisted his urge to scrunch his eyes shut and wish the mare away. Instead, he stared the bat pony down as best as he could, choosing not to answer her right away.

"Well?" she snarled. "Are you gonna try and explain yourself?"

"I—Look, I didn't mean to hurt you..." All too quickly, he saw that the tables had been turned: now it was his turn to be chewed out, and judging by how menacing Bright Eyes' snarl was, he would not be surprised if it turned out to be a literal chewing out.

"Hurt me? Oh no, Sky. You can't hurt me, saying something like that." She grinned a manic pony's grin and shook her head. "I just wanna know why."

He almost too afraid to ask: "Wh-Why what?"

"Why would you, of all ponies, have the gall to call me something as insensitive as 'absolutely batty?'" The last word, she launched at him like a spear. He felt it hit home, in his gut, and crumpled a little inside. "Especially since it's me you're talking to," she added, and another javelin lodged in his stomach. He stared fearfully into his insulted friend's eyes and saw in them the scenes of her life she was referring to amongst the rage and hurt she was feeling.

It had been a cliché of a story: Bright Eyes was different; therefore she was wrong and deserved to know it. Equestria was known for its love and tolerance, but such virtues were something that the young foals at his and Bright Eyes' school had yet to be taught. For years, they mocked her appearance, her nocturnal nature, even her diet of fruits. It was something that Bright Eyes had never been exposed to, and thus it had created a great emotional strain on her. Bright Sky had been there to comfort her, of course, and with his help she overcame any and all insecurities she might have had before, but there always remained a hatred for bat-related puns, jokes, or jabs that no therapist could assist her with (and many had tried). Of course, once she'd made this hatred known, the bullying stopped, almost overnight, and she'd been free of all insults since.

Until tonight, when he'd opened his mouth and said one of the few things that could ever truly hurt her.

"Bright Eyes, I'm sorry..." It was all he could say.

"Just answer the question, Sky," she replied, adding tired to the array of emotions contained in the look she gave him. "I just want to know why."

"I—I don't know, i-it just... slipped out."

"Slipped out." She squinted, as though not really certain she was talking to him. "Like a Freudian Slip?"

"Wh—No!" he insisted, meaning it but not knowing how to prove it. Every word that came into his mind would only make things worse if spoken aloud, and he was beginning to run out of ones that he knew the meaning of. "I just—"

"Needed to get me back?" the bat mare finished. The dullness in her eyes made his heart sink. "Well, you had quite the trick up your sleeve, I see. You knew exactly what would get to me the most."

"Oh, Celestia, Bright Eyes, I didn't mean any harm—"

"Yeah," she replied duly, staring at the battered chest plate in front of her. "I didn't either. Guess the both of us got hurt by accident, then."

Bright Sky let out a gruff sigh of frustration, wanting to fix his mistake some way. He stared at the hurt bat mare, thinking hard. He looked at her looking at his chest, and listened as she droned on:

"I kind of deserved it, actually. I'm not the best friend, am I? Always busting things up, getting too excited over nothing, wanting to do stupid things that get the ponies I care about hurt or in trouble, all that crud." She let a long, doleful sigh pass her lips. "You're right. I am absolutely bat—"

But she couldn't say it, because the wind went rushing from her lungs before she could finish her sentence. Bright Eyes felt herself pressed against the armor she'd dented as Bright Sky pulled her into a deep, apologetic hug. She stared ahead at the plum tree that she'd forced her friend against, feeling him wrap her up in his hooves. He buried his muzzle into her shoulder, and she heard him whisper to her:

"Never say any of that ever again. Please." She didn't answer, so he went on: "Yes, you're energetic and crazy and annoying as buck sometimes, but that's what I love about you so much. If you weren't like that, then we probably wouldn't have ever become friends in the first place, and I definitely wouldn't ever think of you the way I do now. You're the best part of my life, Bright Eyes, and that's what makes me so much of a 'killjoy:' I don't ever want to see you get hurt."

The bat mare was glad that Bright Sky couldn't see her face: most of it was now redder than his. She returned the hug eagerly, embracing him and the warmth that flowed from him to her. She nuzzled against his neck and shut her eyes, letting the moment hang frozen in time around her. Then, she felt him pull her out of their hug and in front of him, so that they were face to face once more.

"So, please," he concluded, "accept my most sincere apology for calling you batty." Then he gave her the kindest smile she'd ever seen on his face. She found herself thankful for the dark of the night: he would have noticed her blush for sure, had it been daytime when all of this had gone down.

Sniffling once, Bright Eyes felt a grin break out on her face. Trying her best not to choke up when she spoke, she muttered, "Even if I totally am?"

For a moment, Bright Sky was worried. Then he saw the smile she was giving him, and he returned it and said, "Especially if you are." He hugged her again, and she returned this one immediately, happily snuggling against the red stallion. She looked up at the plum tree, and considered something for a second.

"Prove it," she said suddenly, slipping out of Bright Sky's embrace.

"Prove what?" the stallion said, raising an eyebrow.

"That you really like me," the bat pony answered. She forced herself to stop feeling nervous, and gave a smirk. "Go on a date with me."

The pegasus blanched. He opened his mouth to say something, then closed it, then opened it again, all the while staring at Bright Eyes with a bewildered expression on his face. His mind raced, his ribs ached, and he was certain that he was blushing, though it would not be noticeable with his already crimson coat, especially in the night.

"Wh-Why?" he finally said, and followed up with the thought, Why would you say something like that, idiot?

"Because you like me, and I like you," she replied, blowing some of her mane out of her face. "And because that's what ponies do, when they like each other." Her head tilted again, and she pouted cutely at him. "Unless you don't actually like me?"

Again, Bright Sky spluttered. "N-No! I mean, yes, I like you, but—" He shook his head, took a deep breath, and asked, in as straight a voice as he could muster: "You really want to go out with me?"

"Mm-hm," she answered, stepping forward and touching her muzzle to his. "Deal with it," she said, and pecked him on the lips. "We've both got tomorrow off. Pick me up at my apartment at seven. We'll have dinner."

She flapped her wings and launched into the air before he could see her blush, flying over him and out of sight. She plunged into the branches of the plum tree, vanishing into the darkness of the nighttime greenery in a second. Bright Sky was left standing up against the tree, his mouth slightly agape, his eyes wide, his mind a fuzzy mess.

★★★

Bright Eyes snagged a plum on her way through the tree, and bit into it to keep herself from making any noise as she retreated. Bursting from within the tree, she flew upwards, chewing on the plum slowly as she put distance between herself and Bright Sky. It was only when she was above a cloud layer and had finished her plum that she finally let out a yelp of delight. She twirled in the air, looping and spinning as she cheered herself on the night's turn. The core of the plum fell from her hoof towards the ground as she flew, cheering:

"YES! YES!" She pumped her hooves into the air and wriggled mid-flight, overcome with her own giddiness. "YesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesYESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!" She punctuated her cries by shooting upwards and folding her wings to her sides. Slowing her ascent to a standstill, she was momentarily held weightless in the night air, and from her position could see Bright Sky stepping out from under the plum tree, his head pointed skyward. Then gravity kicked in again, and she fell down into the cloud, landing on its soft surface with a small thud! Giggling to herself in an almost mad way, she rolled around on the cloud in excitement.

"It worked! It totally worked!" Squealing and squirming, she hugged the cloud to her chest as all the fantasies of what tomorrow might bring swam around in her mind. Her giggling eventually died down, and soon she was quiet, lying down on the cloud with a puff of it wrapped in her hooves, eyes turned up at the moon. Her smile was huge and happy, and her golden eyes lit up with the realization that even more good news had just come her way:

"Starstruck totally owes me fifty bits! Awesome!"

★★★

After he'd come back down to earth, Bright Sky realized he hadn't taken a breath since before Bright Eyes had kissed him, and his lungs were now screaming at him to correct this error immediately. He did so, filling his lungs as he thought of what had just happened and what would be happening less than twenty-four hours from now. He thought of Bright Eyes and how straightforward she'd been. He thought of her kiss (their kiss, he corrected), as he had on a loop for a minute or so before, and his tongue traced across his lips unconsciously. He tasted plum, and looked up at the tree they'd stood under. The fruit hanging from it was large and ripe; he suddenly decided that plums were now his favorite food.

"YES!"

The pegasus jumped when he heard the yell. He looked around wildly for the source of it, and stepped out from under the tree to scan the skies. He looked up, and found what was making the noise in a second: Bright Eyes was doing stunts in the air again.

Guess she finally got one right the first time, he thought, smiling. Only a minute or so ago, she had been on the verge of tears, thinking she was unloved; now it was as though they'd never even conversed. She was spinning through the air again, just as she always did. It was almost bipolar, the way she acted; she'd make a psychologist rich, with her brain.

"Never change, Bright Eyes," he mumbled to nopony save himself. "Always be that crazy mare I love."

He turned to return to his post, but froze immediately when he saw what was coming out of the dark: his boss, Captain Burst. The pegasus, who was in charge of all of the Daylight Royal Guard and had absolutely no logical reason for being on the clock in the middle of the night, which was usually the shift of the Moonlight Royal Guard Captain Beats, was strolling with a determined step directly towards the plum tree Bright Sky was under. Sky thought briefly that he might be able to hide, but found that doing so would only embarrass and condemn him more: the captain had long since noticed him, and Sky realized that that was probably the very reason the captain was stalking over to him in the first place. The look on his face was one that most ponies knew Captain Burst for wearing better than anypony in Equestria: stern, powerful contempt.

"Lieutenant Sky!" the white pegasus barked (his armor, not being damaged, hid his natural coat perfectly). Bright Sky snapped to attention, knowing what was coming, and tried his best to prepare mentally for it, though his sleep-deprived, Bright Eyes-filled brain did not seem up for the task. He stood silently, wondering what the hay Captain Burst was doing here at this time of night, and he stared straight ahead at the pegasus that continued to march forward until he was only a yard or so from the crimson stallion. Captain Burst looked him up and down (he felt a sweat break out on his brow what was the captain doing here), inspected the dents and scratches in his chest plate (oh Celestia he was gonna get it why did the universe like to work against him), noticed the lump on his forehead (he was going to be murdered before he could even go on his date with Bright Eyes), and finally looked him dead in the eye for a full minute (oh wait now he realized what the captain was here for it was Captain Beats of course). Then, in a calm, stern tone that terrified Bright Sky, the captain said:

"Lieutenant Sky, I'm going to ask you this in as friendly a manner as I can, so as to make it seem like I am much less angry than I actually am." He took a step forward, leaned in so that their muzzles were nearly touching, and asked Bright Sky:

"What exactly has made you so red in the face?"

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

THE END

Author's Note

Dear Readers,

I freaking love bat ponies. I really, really do. The fact that they've only truly been a part of the show in one instance is too great of an injustice to mention. I mean, who needs magic when you've got bat wings and cat-eye pupils and fangs and stuff? They're more awesome than Rainbow Dash and more adorable than Fluttershy, therefore they are best pony. End of fan-ing rant.

I'm really happy with this; I think I needed to write a bit of fluff, to get back into the swing of things. Maybe now I'll get back to all those projects I've been meaning to do but haven't been doing because reasons. I'll definitely get more bat ponies. Always room for bat ponies.

As in my last story that was bat pony-centric, I have to thank the amazing Comet Burst, writer of the legendary fic The Golden Armor, for showing me how awesome both bat ponies and the Royal Guard are. I gave his story a few nudges in this like last time, too, and I advise you all to go read it once you're done reading this. In fact, I'll finish up right now so that you can go do just that.

Good to be back!

-NotARealPonydotcom

P.S. Happy Halloween: Spooky Harder!