Damn Ponies

Damn Ponies

Chapter 1: The Harrowing

by Pascal

"Hey Fluttershy, how are you feeling today?"

Rainbow Dash poked her head into Fluttershy's room in Ponyville General Hospital.

Fluttershy yawned widely. "Thank you so much for visiting me, Rainbow, but I'm always so sleepy."

Fluttershy was lying almost motionless on her hospital bed. Tubes from a variety of magical machines were feeding nutrients into her body, but they could not stop the cancer that had withered Fluttershy into little more than fur and bones. Rainbow couldn't bear to see her friend suffer like this, but she was determined to be strong for her. She always pretended to be upbeat and cheerful whenever she visited Fluttershy even though she often had to fight back tears.

"Ok, Fluttershy. You get some good rest. Pinkie just wanted me to deliver these balloons," Rainbow Dash said, tying Pinkie's gift to Fluttershy's bedpost. She flicked the lights off and made for the door.

"Rainbow," Fluttershy called weekly, "Could you do one more thing for me please-I mean, if it's not too much trouble."

"Yeah, anything. Anything you want," Rainbow Dash replied, stepping back into Fluttershy's room.

"Could you . . . could you please turn the machines off, if . . . if thats ok?"

Rainbow Dash could no longer hold back the tears. "Y-yeah, its ok, Fluttershy," she sniffed. She walked over to the wall socket where the machines were plugged in, and yanked the cords out. Fluttershy closed her eyes, and her lips spread into a content smile.

"Goodnight, Rainbow," she said. What little remained of Rainbow Dash's facade collapsed. She broke down and began sobbing into Fluttershy's mane.

"Good-g-goodnight," Rainbow finally managed.

Rainbow Dash held Fluttershy until her breathing stopped.

***

Fluttershy suddenly found herself standing on a fluffy patch of cloud, now with the strong, youthful body she had once had.

"Oh, dear," she muttered. "I didn't want Rainbow to cry. I knew I shouldn't have asked her to kill me. Oh well. I'll just apologize to her once she dies. She's always crashing into things, so I shouldn't have to wait too long."

Fluttershy saw a giant wall of white marble off in the distance. With nothing else to do, she made her way toward it at a comfortable pace. She found a human shaped angel wearing a golden mask lounging on a lawn chair outside of the gate. He was idly skimming through the pages of a large, musty looking tome.

"Name?" he asked, not looking up as she approached.

"I'm Fluttershy. Nice to meet you!" she replied, putting on her cutest smile and holding out her leg.

The angel ignored her attempted hoofshake and began flipping through his book.

"Fluttershy . . . Fluttershy . . ." he murmured to himself. "I can't find you on the list. Did you make a deathbed conversion?"

"Um, I don't think so," Fluttershy said, shuffling her hooves nervously.

Suddenly, a great booming voice spoke, making Fluttershy jump.

"FLUTTERSHY OF EQUESTRIA, YOU HAVE FAILED TO ACCEPT JESUS CHRIST AS YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR! FOR YOUR SINS, YOU ARE CONDEMNED TO THE TORMENTS OF HELL!"

A black hole opened up in the clouds beneath Fluttershy's hooves. She beat her wings franticly, but the hole was sucking her in like a vacuum.

"Help me, Mr. Angel!" she cried to the gatekeeper as she desperately dug her hooves into the soft clouds.

The angel glanced at her briefly before pushing her over the edge with his foot.

***

Fluttershy was half-fused with a wall of charred rock. Her back, and all but one of her legs were trapped. The heat of the cavern was unbearable, worse than even the hottest summer's day in Ponyville.

"WELCOME TO HELL, LITTLE PONY!" roared a new voice.

Flutershy raised her head and saw a red skinned demon with glowing yellow eyes. It clutched a rusty pitchfork in its clawed hands and grinned malevolently at her.

"W-who are you?" Fluttershy squeaked in terror.

"I'M YOUR DEMON, AND I'M GOING TO ENJOY YOUR SUFFERING!"

The demon jabbed it's pitchfork into Fluttershy's abdomen, laughing raucously as she screamed.

Fluttershy's existence continued in this way for years. The demon would stab her mercilessly, her flesh re-mending itself so that she could be injured again. She screamed and flailed, sobbed and begged for mercy. As time passed, Fluttershy slowly drifted into a lethargic stupor, no longer struggling, and only crying and moaning softly. The pain was so ubiquitous that, little by little, she seemed to become desensitized to it, until finally, It became like the taste of her own tongue in her mouth: so normal that she could not even recognize it, or imagine it being absent.

After several decades she even began to take comfort in the demon's reliability. It was always there, just like Celestia's sun and Luna's moon had been back when she was alive. Eventually, she even began to take an interest in her surroundings. She was glancing around to see what she could see of the landscape of Hell, when she heard a commotion.

She leaned her head around her demon and saw Twilight Sparkle being dragged past her particular section of wall by a pair of demons. It was so good to see her friend again, even in such a grim situation.

Twilight was shouting, her eyes wide with terror. "Where are you taking me? Let me go! Help! Oh, Celestia, somepony help me!"

"Hello, Twilight!" Fluttershy waved her free hoof.

"Futtershy? What's happening? Where are we? Oh, sweet Luna, what have they done to you?"

"Oh!" She glanced back at the demon who was continuing to mutilate her torso. "It's really not so bad once you get used to it! "

"NOT SO BAD, EH?"

It had been so long since the demon had spoken to Fluttershy that it's voice startled her.

"Oh! Hello Mr. Demon! I don't think I've ever introduced myself. I'm Fluttershy."

"YOU MAY HAVE BECOME USED TO YOUR PUNISHMENT, BUT I HAVE SOMETHING MUCH WORSE FOR YOU!"

The demon cast its pitchfork aside and began revving a chainsaw.

"I used to be a veterinarian. Do you like animals?" Fluttershy continued, raising her voice to be heard over the sound of the motor.

"YOUR WORTHLESS ANIMAL FRIENDS WERE TOO FRAGILE TO LAST! THEY HAVE ALL EXPIRED!" roared the demon.

"Oh, you checked on them for me? That's so sweet of you!"

"FOOLISH MORTAL! YOUR PREVIOUS TORMENTS WERE NOTHING COMPARED TO THE SUFFERING I WILL INFLICT UPON YOU!"

"I'm just happy that you're so concerned with my feelings."

"NO ONE IS CONCERNED WITH YOUR FEELINGS! YOU ARE ALONE! YOU WILL NEVER KNOW FRIENDSHIP AGAIN, ONLY PAIN!"

"I don't think that's true at all. You are always here for me, so in a way, you're kind of like a friend. You've been here for so long that I don't really know what I'd do if you left. Sometimes I think that my tummy would feel so empty if you never stabbed it."

"SILENCE, PONY! YOU WILL NOT BE SAYING THAT ONCE I START CUTTING!"

"Also, I want you to know that I forgive you for hurting me. I know this must not be a good life for you either."

The demon lowered its weapon.

"EXPLAIN YOURSELF, HORSE!"

"Well," Fluttershy continued, "I'm doomed to be tortured by you for all of eternity, but you're also doomed to torture me."

"I LOVE TO CAUSE MISERY AND SUFFERING!"

"But you'll never be able to see the world, or make friends, or go on adventures! You'll never be able to enrich your life with new experiences. You'll never fall in love. You'll just be here, stabbing me forever. Doesn't that bother you?"

The demon blinked.

"I . . . I . . . YOU . . ."

He shook his head furiously.

"YOU ARE TRYING TO TRICK ME! IT WILL NOT WORK!"

As the demon thrust the chainsaw's blade into Fluttershy's abdomen, she leaned in close and nuzzled his cheek.

The demon threw the chainsaw down in frustration and stomped away in a huff, swearing profusely.

"What a poor little guy. I hope I didn't upset him," Fluttershy commented to no one in particular.

"They do sort of grow on you after a few decades, don't they?" said a voice to her left.

Fluttershy hadn't paid much mind to her surroundings throughout the years of her imprisonment. The torments of her damnation had distracted her too much to notice that there was another soul imprisoned beside her. It was a middle aged male human. He wore an officer's uniform with an armband that was as red as the blood that gushed from his own demon-inflicted wounds.

"I didn't see you there. My name is Fluttershy! What's yours?" she asked, extending her free hoof.

"Adolf Hitler," the man replied, giving her hoof a friendly shake.

The two became close friends, and spent many more decades talking about their lives. Fluttershy told Hitler all about the adventures she and her friends had undertaken in Equestria, and Hitler described his conquest of Europe to her. Occasionally, Fluttershy's demon would return to pour acid on her or light her on fire, but only in a half-hearted sort of way, and she had become so used to pain that she didn't mind.

"It was hard enough just dealing with the Brits and the Russians," explained Hitler as his own demon pulled out his intestines. "but then the Americans attacked, and it all went down the toilet."

"That must have been very frustrating," Fluttershy replied knowledgeably.

"In the end, I couldn't take it anymore. The Russians were storming Berlin, and everything I had built was falling to pieces in front of me, so I decided to end my life on my own terms."

The evil dictator hung his head.

"I wanted to build an empire to last throughout the ages. I suppose I just wasn't good enough."

"Oh, well If you don't mind me saying, I'm really glad you went to Hell. If you hadn't, I would never have met you. I like you a lot more than my demon."

"Well, I . . . I suppose that's true."

There was an awkward silence. Fluttershy's demon stabbed her in the eye with a screwdriver. Hitler fiddled with aimlessly with his watch.

"What day is it, Mr. Hitler?" asked Fluttershy out of idle curiosity. She knew that his watch could tell the day and month, as well as the time.

"Hmm? Oh, It's February 14th."

"Um, Mr. Hitler? Will you . . . will you be my special somepony for Hearts and Hooves Day?" Fluttershy was blushing all over like a nervous schoolfilly.

Hitler smiled. "I'd like that. And please call me Adolf."

He reached out and held Fluttershy's hoof.

"Howdy, Fluttershy! Who's your friend?"

Fluttershy couldn't believe her ears. She looked over her demon's shoulder with her good eye and saw Applejack happily trotting up to meet them.

"Applejack! I never though I'd see you again!" squealed the pegasus. The farm pony was grinning from ear to ear, looking just as hearty as she had been in Equestria.

"This is Adolf Hitler," said Fluttershy, gesturing to the iron-fisted tyrant as Applejack shooed the demons away.

"It's a pleasure to finally meet you, Applejack. Fluttershy told me all about you. But why are you not stuck in a wall like us? Where is your demon?" the Fuhrer asked.

"Well, best Ah can figure it, everypony gets their own kind of punishment."

Applejack pulled the screwdriver out of Fluttershy's face with her teeth. A new eye popped in to replace the damaged one.

"After that boomin' voice sent me down here for bein' a dirty dyke, and all, Ah was tasked with pushin' some big boulder up a hill for all eternity. It got steeper and steeper as you got up, and demons were pokin' mah rump with pitchforks every step of the way. Every time Ah got close to the top, it got too steep and the boulder rolled all the way back down again. But Granny raised me to be tough, so Ah kept tryin' and tryin'. After a few hundred years, the friction had worn the boulder down to a more manageable size an' Ah got it to the top. The demons didn't know what to do after that, so they let me go. Ah've been wanderin' around lookin' for the rest of the gang ever sense."

"I wish Adolf and I could join you Applejack. It would be so good to see all my old friends again, but we're stuck in this wall," lamented Fluttershy, hanging her head.

"Great gallopin' giraffes, sugar cube! You didn't think Ah was just gonna leave you and your friend in a lurch, did you? Ah'll have you two outa that wall in a jiffy!"

Applejack began bucking the wall with all her might. It took about a week of non-stop bucking to break the solid stone apart, but Applejack managed it.

After she had pulled them both out, Hitler swept Fluttershy up in his arms.

"I cannot thank you enough for freeing us, Miss Applejack. Fluttershy and I are forever in your debt."

Applejack blushed. "Aww, shucks, Hitler. It was nuthin'. Let's go find the others."

***

The trio spent many years exploring the bowels of hell.

They first scoured a ruined city full of zombies. Luckily, Hitler never seemed to run out of magazines for his handguns, and he was able to dispatch the hordes with ease. They finally found Pinkie Pie stuffed inside an oven in a dilapidated diner.

"Oh my gosh you guys! It was so BORING in there! The demons force fed me dough and then shoved me in the oven. Once the yeast rose, my tummy exploded!"

Pinkie showed them all the hole in her belly.

"It really hurt and I cried a lot, but then I thought 'HEY! Now I have a special pocket, even when I'm naked!' But then I was sad again when I realized that I had nothing to put in it, so I just roasted in my own stomach juices for a few centuries."

Once they had searched the last building and put the last zombie to rest, they took their leave of the city. A few damned souls who had been condemned to be torn apart by the undead shouted their thanks as the party moved on.

***

Rainbow Dash had been cast into ocean of fire. Her wings were bound with chains, so she could only swim franticly with her hooves. Every time she came close to the shore, a strong current would carry her back to the center.

Pinkie Pie, who was better suited to endure extreme heat from her time in the oven, volunteered to swim out to Rainbow with a sturdy chain that they had found. Once she had grabbed hold of Rainbow, the rest of the group reeled her in.

"I'm so sorry I made you cry hundreds of years ago, Rainbow," apologized Fluttershy as soon as Rainbow Dash had been pulled to shore.

"Forget it, Fluttershy. I'm just glad that you're not gone forever. And that I'm out of that lava. That place was not cool, both literally and . . . um . . . not-literally."

"Figuratively?" offered Hitler.

"Gesundheit."

***

Some time after that, the group barged into a demented carnival, filled with twisted, evil clowns. The clowns leered at them, but let them pass.

Rarity was nailed to a table in a hall of mirrors. Her skin had been flayed off and her eyelids torn out, so that she had no choice but to gaze upon her mutilated visage reflected in the mirrors until the end of time. A pair of clowns were standing around her, pointing at her and laughing at their own dirty jokes.

"Goodness gracious, it's about time somepony with a little dignity showed up. These hooligans have been dreadful!" Rarity squaked.

Applejack and Rainbow Dash knocked out the clowns, and shoved Rarity up Pinkie's tummy hole to smuggle her out of the circus.

"Let us never speak of this again," Rarity demanded once they had safely escaped.

***

"This place is amazing!" said Twilight Sparkle ecstatically as Rarity levitated her out of a pit of venomous snakes. "You were right, Fluttershy! I became desensitized to the pain in a matter of years, and I think I found a way to reinforce our necrotic disentropy."

"Terra cotta what now?" asked Rainbow Dash.

"Necrotic disentropy. It's what I call our Hell-bodies' ability to self repair."

"Hmph, some ponies have all the luck," grumbled Rarity.

Unlike Fluttershy, Rarity's body was not regenerating. She remained skinless, and had made sure everypony was aware of how upset it made her.

"Yours and Pinkie's punishments didn't require repeated cutting or puncturing. That's probably why your bodies' necrotic disentropy isn't as powerful as Fluttershy's. But don't worry!" Twilight added. Her horn glowed, and Rarity was encased in a purple aura. To Rarity's delight, her skin began to grow back before her eyes.

"Oh, Twilight, dear! You are a miracle worker!"

Twilight grinned, and turned to Pinkie.

"Hey! No chronic disesentropating the tummy hole! It's useful!" Pinkie snapped.

***

Applejack led the group through the wastelands of Hell. Across the expanse, they could see a massive, black fortress. Its walls were covered in razor blades, and it was encircled by a moat of boiling blood. The group climbed to the top of a steep hill near the castle and hid behind Applejack's boulder.

"Ok, Twi, there's Satan's fortress. What's the plan now, sugar cube?"

"Alright, everypony," said Twilight. "From what I've gathered from the locals, Satan was once an angel, but his heart was corrupted by jealousy when he learned that God loved humans more than him. Sound familiar?"

"I get it!" said Rainbow Dash. "We bust in, and blast the Devil with the Elements of Harmony!"

"Exactly," Twilight continued. "Without Satan's power, the demons will be scattered, and we can take control of hell. We'll free all the damned souls and turn hell into a paradise!"

"But look at that thing, Twi!" said Applejack, eying a pair of armored demons patrolling the parapets. "We'd need an army to storm that place!"

"An army, you say?" asked Hitler. "I think I can help you there."

***

Konrad Deeter covered his ears as another volley of mortar shells ripped through the German line.

Soon, Stalin's army would kill them all and capture Berlin, just like all the other times. Satan had told the Germans that they would be released from Hell if they could win the battle, but try as they might, century after century, they never did. Whenever Konrad was felled, by bullet, shell, or flames, he would not die, but would lie in agony for hours as the Russians stepped over his broken body until the battle finally reset, and then it would all happen again. But it was the chance of escape, always dangling tantalizingly out of reach that tormented him far more.

The Germans fell back further into the city. The captain rallied them for one last stand, and Konrad gritted his teeth, preparing himself for more agony, but something up in the air caught his eye. His jaw dropped. The Fuhrer himself was riding into battle on a flying, yellow pony. Ahead of him, the rest of the ponies had already engaged the Russians.

Bullets ricocheted off of Twilight Sparkle's force field as she tore the soldiers apart with blasts of explosive sorcery.

Pinkie Pie put on a pair of sunglasses and went into bullet time. Soviet gunfire streaked past her as she dived forward in slow motion with a can of silly string in each hoof, squirting the Russians in their faces, until an armored car careened around the corner and lit her up with its machine gun.

"Heehee! That tickles!" giggled Pinkie as 50. caliber bullets tore through her body, spraying blood and shattered bone fragments all over the street. In a matter of seconds, her body had been reduced to an unrecognizable pile of leaky meat.

Applejack bucked a soldier's head clean off his shoulders. A second later, her legs were blown off by a rocket. The Soviets had a brief moment of triumph for disabling one of the Nazi's bizarre super weapons before they realized that the legs were still possessed with life. Each leg bounced around, continuing to beat and bludgeon the soldiers to death of its own accord.

Twilight had reduced all of her opponents to smoking chunks. She now faced down a gigantic tank. The huge war machine fired an armor piercing shell that shattered Twilight's protective barrier and blew the unicorn into a million pieces.

"I need some help with this one, Dash!" yelled Twilight's severed head as it sailed past Rainbow Dash's ear.

"You got it, Twilight!" Rainbow replied as she finished decapitating the occupants of the armored car. She crouched down, preparing for liftoff. Two soldiers tried to grab her wings, but suddenly Pinkie Pie's intestines slithered out of her mangled body.

"Surprise!" gurgled Pinkie as she strangled the two men with her own guts.

"Nice one, Pinkie Pie!" shouted Dash as she accelerated upwards.

The pegasus was suspended in the air for a brief moment as she reached her peak before she dived. The city of Berlin was bathed in seven colored light as Rainbow Dash sonic rainboomed strait down at the tank. She slammed into it, creating a deafening rainbow explosion that shook the earth, ripping the vehicle apart and sending burning shards of metal arcing into the sky.

Konrad Deeter dropped his gun. "Sweet mother of God. We've won." He breathed.

***

Converting the Nazis from a platform of radical nationalism and racial supremacy to one of love and tolerance was easier than Hitler had expected.

The damned souls of the Third Reich now milled about on piles of mutilated communists, admiring their new armbands and enjoying a little time to relax.

As soon as Rarity had finished putting her friends back together, she set about making new arm bands for all the soldiers, with hearts on them instead of swastikas.

Hitler rallied his troops for the final assault.

"Today, we fight not just for the Fatherland, but for the love and friendship of every living being! We will storm Satan's palace, topple him from his throne, and shake the very foundations of Hell itself!"

"Heil friendship!" the Wehrmacht shouted as Hitler leapt on Fluttershy's back and led his army to their last battle.

***

The great iron doors of the Devil's fortress shuddered.

"Fire again!" Hitler shouted. The ponies had managed to find an intact panzer for their assault on the Prince of Darkness.

"Aye, aye, sir!" Pinkie replied as she reloaded the cannon.

The doors buckled, metal twisting as another shell struck them.

"Charge!"

Satan's minions barely had time to begin barricading the gate before the tank came crashing through, knocking the massive doors off of their hinges. The demons in Satan's courtyard that hadn't been crushed by the doors or the panzer's treads quickly dropped under a hail of German gunfire.

"Go!" shouted Twilight Sparkle.

The Elements of Harmony leapt out of the tank's hatch and galloped into the castle, while Hitler and his solders covered the rear. They sprinted through the twisted corridors of the Devil's fortress before finally reaching the throne room.

Satan was a giant sitting upon a throne of skulls. His skin was blacker than coal and covered with glowing yellow writing that cursed God's name in every language. His eyes blazed with unbridled fury.

"YOU DARE COME TO CHALLEGE ME? I WILL GIVE YOU A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH!"

The Prince of Darkness rose to his cloven feet, towering above the ponies.

"In formation, girls!" Twilight shouted as Satan conjured balls of demonic fire in his hands.

The ponies rose into the air, their eyes glowing as their bodies were filled with the power of harmony.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Satan roared as a twisting rainbow beam of pure friendship washed over his body.

Where the hideous demon had stood, the was now a handsome angel, his face stricken with grief. "What have I done?" Lucifer wailed, falling to his knees. "How could I have been so blind?"

Suddenly, a blinding light shone down through the ceiling.

"LUCIFER!" a voice thundered. "IT HAS BEEN EONS SINCE I HAVE SEEN YOU LIKE THIS! IT IS TIME TO PUT AWAY YOUR PRIDE! YOU WERE NOT MEANT TO BE SEPARATE FROM MY KINGDOM! WILL YOU ACCEPT MY FORGIVENESS?"

"I'm so sorry!" cried the angel. "I missed you so much, my lord!"

He was raised up into the light until he vanished.

***

Hitler and Fluttershy married, and took up the title of King and Queen of Hell. Pinkie Pie threw the most extravagant wedding party that hell had ever seen.

"Does this mean you won't be comin' back to Equestria with us, sugar cube?" asked Applejack.

Fluttershy nodded.

"It's going to take a lot of work to fix everything that's wrong with this place. There are still a lot of bad things that remain, even without Satan's influence. I think my kindness will be needed here for a long time."

"We don't plan on being a monarchy forever, only until we have established a stable order," explained Hitler. "We have already sent out scouts to search for the American Founding Fathers so they can help us draft up a constitution. Once Hell is under control, we will establish a parliament, and transfer the majority of our power over to it. Then, we can begin terraforming Hell into a paradise."

Once the wedding ended, Hitler and the ponies all group hugged.

"Please come and visit us soon!" begged Fluttershy.

"We will, we promise." replied Twilight.

Then, Twilight, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie took their leave.

***

Equestria shook as the gates of Hell were thrown open. The five ponies stood under an open sky for the first time in centuries.


"Can you believe it, girls? After all this time, we're finally home!" said Twilight.

"Wait a minute . . . " said Rainbow, looking around at the landscape. "Are we sure we're not still in Hell?"

The world around them was an arid wasteland. A few petrified trees and crumbling, ruined stone walls were the only remaining evidence that the planet had ever supported life. Rainbow flew up high and looked around.

"The sun and the moon aren't moving at all!" she shouted down to the others. "One half of the planet is frozen, and the other is being incinerated! We're right in the middle!"

"The apocalypse must have come while we were busy burning in Hell," said Twilight.

"Oh dear! We've outlived everypony we've ever known! I never got to see Sweetie Belle's cutie mark!" gasped Rarity.

"So, uh, I guess we should just go back to Hell, then," Pinkie suggested.

"No!" Twilight said firmly. "Without life supporting planets like Equestria, there can never be new souls! There can never be new friends! We have to stop the apocalypse from happening!"

"But Twi, it already happened, we can't stop it now," countered Applejack.

"Yes we can!" said Twilight, "Girls, we are going to invent time travel!"

And after a few thousand years, they did. If their damnation had taught them anything, it was the value of patience.