Thinking With Portals (and Apples)

by Lab Matt

Rating: everyone
Tags: Adventure, Crossover
Length: 4300

Applejack wakes up in a place she doesn't know. And now she must test!

This story is a prequel to The One Free Apple

Applejack doesn't know why she's in this place or how she got there, all she knows is that the lady wants her to test. And so she does, since the lady promised to answer her questions once they finish testing. She also promised cake!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-11-09 14:35:21 UTC

Thinking With Portals (and Apples)

Applejack got up from the bed. She was feeling light-headed and her vision was a little blurry. "For how long I've been asleep?" she thought. "And where's my hat?" Applejack shook her head and looked around; she was inside some kind of glass room with a radio playing a catchy song, located inside another room. "Ok, I'm pretty sure that's not my bedroom in Sweet Apple Acres."

"Hello and, again, welcome to the Aperture Science computer-aided enrichment center." said a female voice that seemed to come from everywhere. Applejack jumped, startled.

"Wh-Who said that?"

"We hope your brief detention in the relaxation vault has been a pleasant one." the same voice said. "Your specimen has been processed and we are now ready to begin the test proper. Before we start, however, keep in mind that although fun and learning are the primary goals of all Enrichment Center activities, serious injuries may occur."

"Test? Enrichment Center activities? The hay are you talkin' about, miss?"

"Stand back. The portal will open in three, two, one."

Some kind of orange ring appeared in front of Applejack, making her jump back in surprise. Looking through the ring she saw an orange Earth Pony mare with blonde mane and tail. She was wearing orange clothes (probably an uniform) and white, metal boots.

"Is that me?" Applejack looked left and saw a blue ring on the wall outside the glass room she was in. She could see herself through it. She jumped through the orange ring and found herself outside the glass room, standing in front of the blue ring. "Freaky!"

The ring suddenly disappeared as Applejack walked away from it.

Applejack looked around as she walked toward the only door in the room. She saw a camera, a window (probably for observing her) and a big screen with the number 00 in it. "Hello?" she called, looking at the window. "Anypony up there?" no answer. She just shrugged and walked toward the door. "Probably lunch break." the door automatically opened the moment Applejack approached it.

She walked through the door, ending up in another room, this one with a big red button on the floor and a big glass tube on the ceiling. She stepped on the button, opening the door and the tube, making a box fall from inside it.

"Well, that was easy." she said, walking toward the door. However, the moment the pressure on the button was gone, the door closed. "What in tarnation?" she stepped on the button again. The door opened. She walked toward the door. It closed again. Applejack groaned, then looked at the box. She chuckled. "That was pretty dumb comin' from ya, Applejack!" she scolded herself, then pushed the box and placed it on the button. The door opened and she walked through it.

"Excellent. Please proceed into the chamberlock after completing each test."

Behind that door there was an elevator in the end of a small corridor.

"First, however, note the incandescent particle field across the exit." the voice said. Applejack stopped in front of the energy barrier the lady was talking about. "This Aperture Science Material Emancipation Grill will vaporize any unauthorized equipment that passes through it - for instance, the Aperture Science Weighted Storage Cube."

"Ya mean the box Ah used to open the door?" Applejack said as she walked through it. She felt as if electricity ran all over her body, but in a good, ticklish way. She entered the elevator and the doors closed behind her. She felt the elevator moving, taking her to an upper floor.

* * *

The doors of the elevator opened, revealing a room with a screen on the wall with the number 01 in it and a support with a white device on it. Applejack picked it up and noticed there was a hole on it. Her boot fit perfectly in it.

"Ah have no idea what this thing do."

"You are now in possession of the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device." the voice said. "With it, you can create your own portals. These intra-dimensional gates have proven to be completely safe."

"Well, that's--"

"The Device, however, has not."

"Wait, what?"

"Do not touch the operational end of The Device."

"Got ya!"

"Do not look directly at the operational end of The Device."

"Ah won't!"

"Do not submerge The Device in liquid, even partially."

"As you wish!"

"Most importantly, under no circumstances should you--" her speech was interrupted by static sound.

"Um... Whatever ya say, miss!"

"Please proceed to the chamberlock. Mind the gap."

Applejack looked at the other end of the room and noticed an orange portal on the wall and a door, a relatively big gap between her and her destiny. She pointed the ASHPD at the wall ("Ah'll call this Portal Gun for short." she thought) and pressed the button inside it, firing a blue ball of energy at the wall, making a blue portal appear. She walked through it, and then through the door.

"Did you know you can donate one or all of your vital organs to the Aperture Science self esteem fund for fillies? It's true!"

"Uh, Ah think Ah'll pass."

Applejack walked into the elevator.

* * *

"The Enrichment Center regrets to inform you that this next test is impossible." the voice said. "Make no attempt to solve it."

Applejack looked around; she saw a Weighted Storage Cube, a big red button and a Material Emancipation Grill between them. She also saw an orange portal near the cube. Applejack chuckled.

"Impossible, eh?"

"Quit now and cake will be served immediately."

"Ah'll not lie, Ah'm kinda hungry, but Ah don't want to give up right now." she then walked through the barrier opened a blue portal on the wall, walked through it, lifted the cube and placed it on her back, walked through the portal again and placed the cube on the button, opening the door. "Ya were sayin'?"

"Fantastic! You remained resolute and resourceful in an atmosphere of extreme pessimism."

"Are ya sure ya wasn't tryin' to make me give up, sugarcube?"

"Please, proceed to the chamberlock."

"Alright, alright."

* * *

"Due to mandatory scheduled maintenance, the appropriate chamber for this testing sequence is currently unavailable."

"Awww, just when Ah was startin' to have fun."

"It has been replaced with a live-fire course designed for military androids."

"Wait, LIVE-FIRE?! Are ya tryin' to get me killed?!"

"The Enrichment Center apologizes for the inconvenience and wishes you the best of luck."

"Thank you, Ah'll really need it." she said angrily as she walked through the door. Suddenly an orange light turned on the Portal Gun.

"As an apology, the Device has been modified so that it can now manufacture two linked portals at once."

"That's actually interestin'."

"Now that you are in control of both portals, this next test could take a very, VERY, long time."

"What are you implyin', pardner?"

Silence. Applejack just shrugged and entered the Test Chamber. There were five platforms over a pit filled with a dark, suspicious water.

"The Enrichment Center promises to always provide a safe testing environment." the voice said. "In dangerous testing environments, the Enrichment Center promises to always provide useful advice. For instance, the floor here will kill you; try to avoid it."

"Ah wasn't planning on touchin' the weird-colored water anyway."

"Is anypony there?" a robotic voice asked.

Applejack looked around, confused. She then noticed a white tripod robot with a single red eye on top of each platform. She smiled and waved her hoof.

"Darn tootin'! Ah'm here."

The five robots beeped and started shooting at her.

"Whoa, Nelly!" she said before running away, trying to dodge the bullets. But the platform where she was standing wasn't really big. She then noticed a panel on the wall held open by two cubes. She didn't thought twice before jumping behind it. She felt a bullet grazing her tail.

"That was WAY too close."

Applejack took a look around and noticed a few things in her hiding spot: scribbles and pictures on the walls, broken cameras on the floor and--

"FOOD!"

She grabbed one of the cans on the floor. It was written "Oatmeal" on it and it was still lidded. Applejack opened the can with her teeth and started eating the oatmeal.

"Ah needed that." she then approached the walls and started reading the scribbles:

She's watching you

Stop watching

"Well, that sounds way creepier than it should."

The cake is a lie

"Yeah, Ah already guessed that."

Not in cruelty,

Not in wrath,

The Reaper came today;

An Angel visited

This gray path

And took the Cube away.

"That sounds depressing. Nice poem, though."

Applejack looked around and finally noticed a thing she didn't noticed before: the pictures were of ponies, but their faces were torn and replaced by the picture of a cube. It looked exactly like the Weighted Storage Cube, except that this one had a heart drawn on it.

"What's that thing?"

She looked around once again and noticed a calendar (with the picture of a mare wearing socks, face replaced by the picture of the cube, "Mares of Aperture" written under the mare's picture).

"October of... 1008 C.E.?!" she approached the calendar. "Am Ah seein' things?" Applejack rubbed her eyes with her left foreleg. "No, Ah'm not. But that's impossible. Last time Ah checked it was 1003 C.E.! What's goin' on here?" she then looked at the open panel behind her. "Guess my questions won't be answered if Ah just stay here."

Applejack pushed one of the cubes holding the panel in place and crawled by the platform, using the Weighted Storage Cube as a shield. The robots didn't seem to notice her. She just smirked, shot the orange portal on the ceiling and the blue one underneath one of the turrets.

"I'm afraid of heights!" it said.

The android fell on the water. Applejack smirked and started firing portals underneath the other armed robots.

"Noooo!"

"I'm scared!"

"Glorious freedom!"

"Goodbye."

"That's what ya get for tryin' to shoot me!" she said, blowing the Portal Gun's operational end. She shot the blue portal on the other end of the room and the orange portal on the wall behind her. She walked through the portal and then through the door.

"When the testing is over, you will be missed." the lady said.

"What do ya mean by that?" Applejack asked.

"Please proceed into the chamberlock."

"Ya know, Ah'll start trusting you once ya stop avoiding mah questions!"

* * *

"The Vital Apparatus Vent will deliver a Weighted Companion Cube in three, two, one."

"Deliver a what now?"

The tube on the ceiling dropped a cube. It looked like a Weighted Storage Cube, but it was slightly different: it had a heart drawn on it.

"Wait a minute! That's--"

"This Weighted Companion Cube will accompany you through the test chamber. Please take care of it. The symptoms most commonly produced by Enrichment Center testing are superstition, perceiving inanimate objects as alive, and hallucinations. The Enrichment Center reminds you that the Weighted Companion Cube will never threaten to stab you and, in fact, cannot speak."

"Well, of course it cannot speak. It's just a cube. But the pictures in that room..." she placed her left forehoof on top of the cube. "Is there anything more about this cube than meets the eye?"

Applejack shrugged and balanced the Companion Cube on her back before walking into the next Test Chamber.

Applejack placed the Companion Cube on top of the button, lowering the glass barrier. She opened the blue portal on the wall of the corridor behind the barrier, the orange portal on the floor, dropped the Companion Cube on it and jumped after it.

"Whoooowee! We did it, pardner!" Applejack said, hugging the Companion Cube. Upon realizing what she just did she let it go, smiling and chuckling. "Look at me, treating a cube as if it is a pony. Ah must be feelin' really lonely." Her smile soon disappeared and she looked around. "Ah AM feelin' lonely." She hugged the Companion Cube once again, this time more affectionately.

"You did it! The Weighted Companion Cube certainly brought you good luck."

"Darn tootin'!"

"However, it cannot accompany you for the rest of the test and, unfortunately, must be euthanized."

Applejack's eyes widened and she looked up at the camera pointed at her.

"Wh-What do ya mean, lady?"

"Please escort your Companion Cube to the Aperture Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator."

Applejack gasped.

"Rest assured that an independent panel of ethicists has absolved the Enrichment Center, Aperture Science employees, and all test subjects of any moral responsibility for the Companion Cube euthanizing process."

"Ah-Ah can't do that!"

"While it has been a faithful companion, your Companion Cube cannot accompany you through the rest of the test. If it could talk - and the Enrichment Center takes this opportunity to remind you that it cannot - it would tell you to go on without it because it would rather die in a fire than become a burden to you."

"Would ya?" she asked the Companion Cube, as if expecting for an answer. An answer never given.

"Testing cannot continue until your Companion Cube has been incinerated."

"As if Ah give a flyin' feather about yer tests!"

"Once the tests are over, I'll answer your questions."

"Wait, what did ya said?"

Silence. Applejack looked at the Cube, then at the camera, then back at the Cube. She hugged it.

"What do Ah do, Companion Cube? Ah-Ah want to know why Ah'm here, but Ah don't want to lose you. Yer mah only friend down here." still no answer. Applejack sighed. "Ah'm still talkin' with an inanimate cube..."

Applejack looked around and noticed some kind of chute near where she was. There was also a button near it. She slowly walked toward the button and pressed it. The chute opened, revealing a long way down toward a pit filled with twisted, bruning metal. The hot air blowing at Applejack's face made her start to sweat. It also dried the tear that escaped Applejack's eye when she looked at the Cube. She walked back to it and picked it up.

"Goodbye, my best friend."

* * *

The door opened and Applejack walked through it, wiping her tears.

"You euthanized your faithful Companion Cube more quickly than any test subject on record. Congratulations!"

"Shut yer cakehole and start the test, miss."

"Welcome to the final test! When you are done, you will drop the Device in the equipment recovery annex."

"Whatever ya say. Ah just want ya to answer mah questions when we're done."

In the Test Chamber she saw a button and a platform. She jumped on th platform and pressed the button. The platform took her along a way full of curves and obstacles, but nothing Applejack couldn't handle. Soon she saw the picture of a cake in the wall before another curve.

"Alright, let's see what ya have there for me, because Ah know it's not really cake!"

Applejack's eyes widened. The platform was slowly going toward a fire. A big fire.

"What the hay is goin' on?!" Applejack shouted

"Congratulations! The test is now over. All Aperture technologies remain safely operational up to 4000 Kelvin. Rest assured that there is absolutely no chance of a dangerous equipment malfunction prior to your victory candescence."

"Ah really could care less about yer stupid gadgets because, as ya can see, Ah'm slowly going toward mah death!"

"Thank you for participating in this Aperture Science computer-aided enrichment activity. Goodbye."

"Yer welcome, ya crazy psychopathic son of a--"

Applejack looked up and smirked. She wasn't going to die after all! Applejack opened the blue portal on the wall near her and the orange portal on the wall of a balcony above her. She jumped through the blue portal, falling to her safety.

"What are you doing? Stop it! I... I..."

"Hah! Got anythin' smart to say now, lady?"

"We are pleased that you made it through the final challenge where we pretended we were going to murder you. We are very, very happy for your success. We are throwing a party in honor of your tremendous success. Place the device on the ground, then lie on your stomach with your arms at your sides. A party associate will arrive shortly to collect you for your party. Make no further attempt to leave the testing area. Assume the party escort submission position or you will miss the party."

"Lies, lies and more lies. Ah should let ya know that this is why Ah hate the most. Except for, right now, you!" she then opened the blue portal on the wall of another balcony above the one she was standing on.

* * *

"You're not even going the right way. Where do you think you're going? Because I don't think you're going where you think you're going. Hello?"

Applejack chuckled. "She doesn't even know where Ah am."

She was walking down a corridor full of doors, all of them leading to rooms with nopony. But they seemed to be occupied before, since most of them had tables, chairs, documents, mugs, even turned on computers and projectors.

"Ah wonder where's everypony. This doesn't look abandoned at all, so somepony must be around here. And Ah don't think the lunch break is that long. Ah mean, Ah've been testing for a long time now!" After a few more minutes of walking, she ended up in a big corridor with glass walls, leading her to what seemed to be a large cylindrical chamber. "Nowhere else to go, Ah suppose!"

Applejack ran toward the door. It opened automatically, like almost every door in the facility. The door suddenly closed behind her and what she saw in there was completely different from every other room she has been; there was a big robot in the middle of the room, hanging from an even bigger machine. The word "GLaDOS" could be seen on it.

"Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System... Wait, how do Ah know that?" Applejack said, surprised.

"Well, you found me. Congratulations." it said while staring at Applejack with its single, yellow, glowing eye. "Was it worth it?"

"That voice! Yer the lady who tried to murder me!"

"Because despite your violent behavior, the only thing you've managed to break so far is my heart."

"What the hay are ya talkin' about?"

"Maybe you could settle for that and we'll just call it a day. I guess we both know that isn't going to happen."

"Darn right Ah won't. Ah want the answers ya promised me!"

"You chose this path." she said, completely ignoring Applejack. "Now I have a surprise for you. Deploying surprise in five, four..."

A metal ball fell from GLaDOS' body. Applejack haven't noticed before but, counting the one on the floor, GLaDOS had  four spheres attached to her body, all of them resembling eyes, each one with a different "iris" color. The one on the floor was purple.

"Time out for a second. That wasn't supposed to happen." the robot said. "Do you see that thing that fell out of me? What is that?"

"How am Ah supposed to know? Isn't that yer surprise?"

"It's not the surprise... I've never seen it before. Never mind. It's a mystery I'll solve later... By myself... Because you'll be dead."

"We'll see about that."

Applejack slowly walked toward the metal sphere and picked it up. The eye-like machine only stared at her. She looked around and noticed a chute. She knew what that chute was. Applejack smirked and walked toward it.

"Where are you taking that thing?"

"To where it belongs!"

She pressed a button, opening the chute, revealing it was indeed an Aperture Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator. She simply dropped the sphere on the incinerator. When it hit the bottom, Applejack heard an explosion.

"You are kidding me. Did you just stuff that Aperture Science Thing We Don't Know What It Does into an Aperture Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator?"

"Yup! Ah did."

"That has got to be the dumbest thing that-- Whoah! Whoah, whoah, whoah."

Applejack tilted her head, still smiling.

"Do ya feel that, dummy? It's called 'pain'!"

"Good news: I figured out what that thing you just incinerated did." GLaDOS said, her voice sounding smoother and more seductive. "It was a morality core they installed after I flooded the Enrichment Center with a deadly neurotoxin to make me stop flooding the Enrichment Center with a deadly neurotoxin."

"Ya did what? Guess yer really crazy psychopathic son of a-- Wait! Does that mean--?!"

"So get comfortable while I warm up the neurotoxin emitters."

A countdown appeared on the wall, above the locked door. Applejack had five minutes. A faint green smoke started being pumped from the vents. Underneath GLaDOS, a smaller panel moved, revealing another sphere. But this one had a hole in it. A hole that shot a rocket at Applejack. She jumped out of the way, barely avoiding her explosive death.

"Huh. That core may have had some ancillary responsibilities. I can't shut off the turret defenses. Oh well. If you want my advice, you should just lie down in front of a rocket. Trust me, it'll be a lot less painful than the neurotoxin."

"Ah don't want yer advices!" Applejack shouted while dodging another rocket. She then opened the blue portal underneath GLaDOS and the orange portal behind herself. She dodged another rocket, this one going straight through the portal and hitting GLaDOS. She screamed in pain as another sphere fell from her body. This one had an yellow "eye".

"Who are you? Oh hey, you're the mare from the test! Hi!" the sphere said, looking at everything. "What is that? Oh, what's that? What's that? What is THAT? Ooh, that thing has numbers on it! Hey, look at THAT thing!"

"Ya mean the--"

"No, that other thing."

Applejack shook her head. "No! Ah must destroy it." She picked the sphere up and walked toward the incinerator.

"Ewww, what's wrong with your legs? Where are we going?"

"Holy Celestia, she sounds just like Pinkie Pie..."

"Do you smell something burning?"

"Yep. Yer wires."

She then dropped the core in the incinerator. She heard the explosion and GLaDOS screeched in pain.

"You think you're doing some damage?" the robot asked. "Two plus two is... ten. IN BASE FOUR! I'M FINE!"

"Uh huh. And Ah'm a pretty little ballerina!"

The turret shot another rocket. Same strategy; a portal behind her, the other under GLaDOS, an explosion and an sphere fell from her body. Applejack picked it up.

"One 18.25 ounce package chocolate cake mix." the blue sphere said. "One can prepared coconut pecan frosting."

"And now we have a baker. Put this and the other one together and ya have Pinkie Pie."

She dropped it in the incinerator. GLaDOS let out another scream of pain. "Neurotoxin..." she said while coughing. "So deadly... Choking..." she then laughed maniacally. "I'm kidding!"

"Yer going down, lady!"

"Your entire life has been a mathematical error. A mathematical error I'm about to correct."

The turret shot another rocket. Applejack quickly dodged it. The rocket went through the portal and hit GLaDOS once again. This time it was the red and last sphere that fell to the ground. It was growling like a rabid animal. Applejack was even afraid of getting too close of it. But she had to destroy it. She slowly walked toward it and picked it up. The core started growling louder.

"Ah bet that if ya had teeth ya would be nibbling on mah jiblets right now."

And she dropped it on the incinerator. Suddenly the whole place started to shake and random panels started to explode. The neurotoxin started being pumped, but that was the least of her concerns right now.

"Ah need to get out of--"

A panel behind her exploded. A metal pipe hit her head and she lost consciousness.

* * *

When she opened her eyes, she was lying on her stomach in a big room and she had a terrible headache. She got up with difficult and looked around; she was in some kind of dock. An empty dock.

"How did Ah got here?"

"I brought you here."

She turned around. Standing behind her was a chestnut eart pony stallion with brown, spiky mane wearing a lab coat. His Cutie Mark was a hourglass.

"A pony!" she said. "Yer the first thing Ah see that is not metal made in quite some time. By the way, who are ya, pardner?"

"I'm a friend. Like you, I've been stuck in here for the last 5 years."

"Yer the one who wrote those things in that wall?"

"Yes, that would be me."

"Why are ya helpin' me?"

"Many reasons. One of them is that Equestria needs you."

"What do ya mean? Are the Elements Of Harmony necessary again?"

"Not the Elements Of Harmony. You. The world will need you."

"Yer only confusin' me even more, mister."

"You will understand everything really soon. But I'm surprised you haven't asked why did I brought you here."

"Ah was gettin' to that." Applejack cleaned her throat. "Why did ya brought me here, pardner?" the stallion chuckled and picked up a life preserver with the word BOREALIS written in it. "Wait a minute. Ah know that name. Is it related to mah forgotten memories?"

"More than you think."

Applejack suddenly lost her balance and fell to the floor.

"What... What's going on?" she asked.

"I'm sorry about this, but it's necessary. Also, remember those words, Applejack. They're important." he approached his muzzle to her ear.

She heard the words "the ship was stolen" before completely blacking out.

TO BE CONTINUED...