The Brian Who Cried Wolf (and Dong)
It was a very sunny day up in Freeport, New York, where Brian Rosario and Leonardo Martin were just poppin’ home from their evening giggle with their maties. Brian knew that his time was almost up in the land of the free, ‘Muricuh, as he was due an immigration inspection and he had failed to find a green card in time. Last year, Brian tried to sell his soul to the Big High War God, Bandos, however his offer was declined and Brian’s physical form was changed from a handsome, sturdy pony, to a creature resembling a goblin.
Leo had been searching far and wide to help his homeboy Brian, but to no avail.
Leo stopped at his mothers house to pick up his longboard, which he is notoriously big for riding to and from school. He asked his mom whether or not it was a good idea to give up on Brian, as he knew he was a lost hope. Leo’s mom looked on in horror, and said ‘Brian’s behind you, Leo’. Before Leo could react, Brian swiped at Leo eight times with a sharp, red dagger coated in super-strong poison in only 16 game ticks - some thought this was hacking, however it was just Brian. It was a devastating attack, enough to take away all of Leo’s life instantly. Leo dropped to the floor, leaving behind his longboard, which Brian then picked up. He would have killed Leo’s mother, however the difference in their combat abilities was so great that he felt it was no challenge, so he refrained. Besides, Leo’s mom, just like Brian’s mom, has a growing nest of tumors in her limbs, and Brian felt whatever sympathy he was capable of feeling, as he was now a sociopath - all of the fat that inhabited his body had blocked his sympathy receptors, leaving him as a fatty husk of obesity.
Claiming victory over his old mentor, just like Zamorak did to Zaros, Brian fled the scene. Some say that when a lesser being kills a green-card entity with an ancient weapon, such as the red dagger, they have a chance of stealing their green-card and transferring it to themselves, becoming a legal american citizen, however, Brian had failed to ascend to green-card-hood just yet - Leo was just too much of a spic to have his card transferred. The victory had not paid off, and Brian only had one place to go before Makaveli came for him. Makaveli, the lead immigration officer, vowed to ‘blast’ Brian if he did not ‘get paid’, which is Freeport slang for ‘obtain a green-card’. The one place that Brian had left to go was unprecedented territory for such a small bean - Granny Smith’s cave, nicknamed the ‘Nightmare zone’. Many have tried to obtain a green-card from Granny, but only Toil had returned, however he was turned into a Tainted One in the process, and was subsequently locked away in Draynor Jail next to Prince Ali.
On that note, Brian wamounted his Freeboard, which he had learned to ride after seeking out his Journeyman Riding teacher. Without this skill, he wouldn’t have been able to travel to the nightmare zone before the 6th age. He travelled from Eastern Varrock, past the Barbarian village, past Falador and the whole of Asgarnia, to the village of Oo’glog - a mere mile away from Granny’s cave, little did he know that Oo’glog s a village of thieves and crooks, who were notorious for stealing uno cards - the cards needed to obtain a green card. Brian had uno card 1, 2 and 3, which he had combined to make an uno card blade. He only needed the green hilt from Granny Smith, which he could combine with the blade to make an entity of tremendous power - the green-card. Brian knew the risks we large, but there was no choice. Brian had to scale Ice Mountain and claim his green card from Granny Smith. Brian knew it was time and he set off to Ice Mountain and began singing "Flute Salad", his favourite song, along the way he noticed a hurt man in the corner of his eye and thought "This is my time... he might have something to steal!", and so Brian set off in the direction of the hurt man. "Brian is here, have nothing to fear!" "Brian... turn back now... I too was on the trail of the mythical green card..." "Yeah and?" "...The big spider, Brian... It's back...:" "What? Where?!" "Up the trail... you must slay it... if you want your green card...", and then the man issued his final breath and passed away and so Brian set off, back to Ice Mountain, to slay the Big Spider and claim his green card from Granny Smith. *scuttle* *scuttle* "...What was that?" *scuttle* *tap tap* "Holy shit! It's the Big Spider!" "Yes Brian... It is I Mary the Big Spider..." "How do you know my name?!" "Brian... I am.. your... TUMOR" "Not for long, for I... will slay you!" and so Brian stabbed Mary right in the tumor with his burrito longsword level 40 attack. "Brian... No..." "It is time... Mary..." "You have guarded this path and have eaten too many men to let me turn a blind eye... It is time... for your demise..." and so Mary made a groan and collapsed after too much blood was lost from the popping of her tumor, and as such, Brian was victorious. Brian set off up the path, now that Mary is dead, he can finally move on with his quest. *knock* *knock* "Granny Smith?" *shuffle* "Yes? Who is it?" "It is I, Brian" "I am here to claim my green card!" "You're not going to get it that easily, Brian" so then Brian knew.. It was time and he yanked off Granny Smith's panties "Brian! What are you do... ooh... Brian..." and then Brian did the Biggie dance and proceeded to pleasure Granny Smith until she was distracted enough for him to steal the green card. Brian made a bolt for the door, but Granny Smith grabbed his hoof and he bucked her, right in her jaw and her whole face imploded as he ran. *heavydotbreathing* "I.. *breath* think *breath* my quest is complete..." and then Brian yanked his green blade and the newly acquired green hilt and began to smith his new green card.