My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad
Testosterone Induced Rage
Mr. Cake stared at the affront to all logic and decency. 'Equestria's Greatest Dad' on a coffee mug. In his store. A mug that wasn't his was in his store was proclaiming blatant lies. Rage boiled in him as he stared down the offending stallion. He had no problem with that ridiculous hat, that ridiculous mustache, or that ridiculous flower print shirt. But the mug was a lie. A dirty, blatant lie. He would have none of it in his own store.
Magnum stared at the glaring contradiction to all that was good and decent. 'Equestria's Greatest Dad' on an apron. In his sight. An apron that wasn't his was in his view declaring obvious falsehoods. The stallion in front of him was clearly not worthy of such a grand title. He had no problem with that absurd under-bite, that absurd hat, or that absurd bow tie. But that apron took the cake.
"Greatest dad?" Mr. Cake grit his teeth. "Is that what you think?" He pointed an accusing hoof at Magnum.
"I know it." Magnum brushed Mr. Cake's hoof to the side, and butted heads with him. "My children were at least old enough to actually buy it for me."
"I've changed diapers," Mr. Cake boasted, straining his neck to push Magnum back.
"I did that for years," Magnum cried. He was no stranger to physical confrontation. "That title is mine."
"It's mine!" Mr. Cake screamed, but could not throw Magnum off. He was not strong enough for that. "I wake up at night to feed my children."
"I sent an ungrateful daughter to college," Magnum retorted, and shoved Mr. Cake to the floor. "You haven't even had to deal with bed wetting yet."
"You can ask Pinkie about that," Mr. Cake snorted, and tackled Magnum.
Pinkie Pie blushed deeply, ignored the ensuing carnage, and nervously exited the room. Her disappearance went unnoticed due to the stakes of the fight. Magnum locked hooves with Mr. Cake, struggled with him for a few seconds, and subsequently released him, allowing Mr. Cake to slam into a display case. Magnum laughed, and adjusted his straw hat. He thought it was a fine hat, something no pony would dare consider ridiculous. Mr. Cake reached underneath the counter.
"Say hello to my little friend!" He yelled with an undefinable accent, and slammed a gatling gun on the floor. He rotated the handcrank with blinding speed, and fired countless pastries at Magnum. Magnum was helpless in the line of fire. Cupcakes exploded across his chest, pie filling dripped into his eyes, scones pelted his legs, and cannolis pounded against him, tossing him against the wall. Mr. Cake released the handcrank, and allowed the gunsmoke to dissipate. He blew the steam off the end of the barrel. There was actually no steam to blow off, but he thought it looked quite cool. "Can't have your cake and eat it too."
"Who came up with that?" Magnum dusted the powdered sugar off his foreleg with his mustache, using it in a similar manner to how a broom might be used. "The Prench?" He slammed a football into the barrel of the gatling gun. Steam built up in the barrel, and pastry dough showered the room. "You do have a certain je ne sais quoi about you."
"You don't even know what that is," Mr. Cake accused. He tossed some of the dough into Magnum's eyes, and bucked him straight in the chest. Magnum looked at the scratches, and laughed. Mr. Cake bucked him in the face.
Magnum roared, lifted Mr. Cake by his scrawny back legs, and began tossing his gangling body around the shop. He made certain to force that ridiculous under-bite across every surface he could see. Jars, plates, and tables shattered beneath the force. He laughed, and released Mr. Cake, sending him spiraling into the street.
Mr. Cake tried to stand, but saw Magnum lunging for him. He raised an objecting hoof, but was soon crushed beneath Magnum's weight. Magnum raised his hoof, prepared to deliver the final blow. Mr. Cake winced, and raised his hooves to protect his face. Magnum laughed, he had not had this much fun since his college football days.
"Magnum, what have you done this time!" His wife's voice halted the strike. Pearl was clearly furious, and she stared angrily at him. "This is just like the time in Los Pegasus."
Magnum immediately hopped off of Mr. Cake, and helped him to his hooves.
"Carrot Cake!" His wife's voice stopped him. Mrs. Cup Cake was clearly furious. "What in Tarturus did you do to my shop?"
"Well, y'see honeybun-" He blustered, struggling to find the words to explain the situation. It would have been an easy situation to actually explain, but in truth he was trying to invent a convincing lie. The entire time, all he could see was steam coming out of his wife's ears.
"Stallions," She snorted and turned to Pearl. "They'll always be like this." She sighed. Carrot Cake and Magnum nodded to each other, and sneaked back into the shop. Mrs. Cake remained oblivious. "They'll always be children."
"Constantly roughhousing, I know," Pearl agreed. "It's like they never actually grow up."
"Is that," Mrs. Cake paused, taking a moment to stare at the affront to all logic and decency. An affront that greeted her on her own doorstop. "Is that an 'Equestria's Greatest Mom' shirt?"
Pearl stared with equal ferocity at the obvious falsehood in front of her. "Is that an 'Equestria's Greatest Mom' apron?"