Pinkie Pie And The Great Adult Secret
One and only chapter ever
Pinkie Pie And The Great Adult Secret.
The pink filly looked around nervously. Her dad was out, tending the western rockfield and he wouldn`t be back for hours. Perfect time to get into mischief, but... She knew from previous experience that parents were never far behind when the mischief went down, and unlike father, her mother was easily within shouting distance, tending their little vegetable patch just behind the house. It used to be berry and vegetable patch, but for some reason, there were no strawberries this year. She tried asking mommy about it, but she just said something strange about not having "runners". Strange. Try as she might, Pinkie Pie could not envision strawberry ever running anywhere. It was just... too red for that.
Still, she had a plan. A GREAT GRAND PLAN, even. A plan that could put her on the cusp of adulthood! Gasp. Creeping closer, and closer and.... there. Pink filly smiled victoriously, as she lifted her father`s pipe from the chimney mantelpiece and held it before her eyes. Behold the prize! The mysterious smoky pipe that her dad liked so much. She knew she needed to discover the joys hidden within the curved piece of wood and fire. For GREATER JUSTICE!
Boldly, she put the mouthpiece to her lips and inhaled. Nothing happened. Then, filly dropped the pipe and backpedaled quickly, her hoof rubbing her lips furiously, as she tried to wipe the sting of horrible, abysmal, vicious bitterness. OWIE. OW OW OW OW OW.
She returned ten minutes later, eyeing the pipe with newfound apprehension and a touch of loathing. Gingerly, Pinkie leaned down, scooped up the pipe with her hoof and put it back on mantelpiece. It was obvious she was not ready to experience the smoky joys of tobacco. Some careful observation was in order.
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A day later, Pinkie found herself eyeing the pipe again. She spent last evening watching her father enjoy the pipe, taking every single step in, memorising the sequence. It was obvious there`s more to this Great Adult Joy then just holding the pipe in the mouth. And now, she felt pretty confident that she could do it.
Obviously, the trick was to put some hay into the pipe. After all, she saw her father do it. And so, Pinkie picked up the pipe again, boldly. It took her a couple tries, but she managed to stuff the hay into it. Now, she was READY! SET! GO! OW! As the bitterness stung her lips again, she had no choice but to flee toward the water bucket.
"Just you wait, you... you... you meanie!" - she proclaimed loudly, immediately muffling herself with hooves - "...I`ll tame you, I swear I will, or my name is not Pinkamena Diane Pie!"
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Two days later, and she was still not any closer to the mystery. Worse still, her father noticed the hay stuffed into the pipe. (She couldn`t dislodge it with her hoof, and putting tongue into the pipe was clearly out of question.) He did not think much about the situation, thankfully, and even unwittingly revealed a major secret. Not any hay would do the trick, no. It was the special hay he called tobacco. The magic hay!
Today. Today, Pinkie would find out the secrets for sure. Pipe? Check. Tobacco? Check. Stuffing it in carefully? Check. Pressing an ember on top of magic hay? Check. And... the moment of truth! She could see the whisp of smoke above the cup. Did she really manage to? Did she.... COFF! COFF! COFFCOFFHACKLECOFFCOFF!
Pinkie dropped the pipe and rolled on the floor, her eyes full of tears as she gasped for air. This. Was. Horrible! But she could DO it! Panting, the filly rose up again and nosed the dropped pipe. Alas, the acrid smell of smoke was too much, and she fled to the water bucket again, muttering - "We will meet again, mr. Pipe. Mark my words."
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The next day, she eyed the pipe one more time, now with loathing and fear. It seemed that the closer she got to the secret, the worse the pipe treated her. The last time, along with bitter taste, the vile contraption has gifted her with rending cough and tearing eyes from all the smoke. And to make matters worse, her father boxed her ears, too.
"You are far too young to do that, Pinkamena Diane Pie!" - thats what he said. She sighed and turned away. Apparently, one had to have cutie mark to smoke a pipe. "One day, mdear, one day." - she muttered, rubbing her hooves together - "One day I will conquer all of your secrets. Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cloud in my eye!"
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Pinkie bounced along merrily. She had a feeling about today. A twitchy feeling. That twitchy-twitchy-twitch usually meant that she was about to find something that reminded her of fillyhood. Or that Gummy was stuck in the well again. She sorely hoped it was not the second. Alligatory family reunions were a many snipped at thing.
It was time to... time... to... Time to what? OH. Right. Twilight time. Today, she was supposed to pop up and cheer up Twilight. Initially, Pinkie intended to do that much yesterday, but lavender unicorn kicked her out of library and told her to come back later. After four times of coming back later, she found Twilight snoring on top of the tome thicker then her hoof. Clearly, it was not the best time for cheer up moment, so Pinkie carefully relocated Twilight to the bed and left for the night.
The door was still locked, but that was not really a problem. Not for Pinkie. Seriously, how came nopony ever noticed the shortcuts? It was almost like they did not expect them to actually do anything even when one was in clear view. It was so OBVIOUS. A bush by the window invariably leads to the box behind the mirror in the bathroom, easy. Twilight`s bathroom was nice. But she could never wrangle out of unicorn where exactly the lavender was growing. Twilight just looked at her peculiarly and told her that it was a bottled aroma. Fie on that. FIE!
As Pinkie peeked from behind the bathroom door, a different smell wafted by. A smell that reminded her of her childhood days on the farm. The smoky smell. She burst from behind the door, eager to find out. But alas, the only one she could see was Twilight. Twilight, who had a sheepish expression on her face. She just hid something. As a little waft of smoke drifted upwards from unicorn`s nostrils, Pinkie knew. "Do you have a pipe, Twilight?" - she inquired inquisitively.
"I dont know what youre talking about!" - denied unicorn, her breath still carrying the tang of smoke. Pinkies brows creased. "Of course you dont, Twilight." - she muttered quietly, - "Of course you dont. Well, well, well if its not my old nemesis, mr. Pipe. I knew we will meet again someday."
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Heaving a sigh, Twilight sat back. "Pinkie, whats gotten into you?" - she inquired, annoyed, - "Since when are you so interested in smoking? And even if I had a pipe, which I am not admitting to, mind.... But even in the purely theoretical case of me having a pipe, what makes you think I would teach you how to smoke? Its a bad habit that messes up your lungs and ruins your teeth. And, Celestia be my witness, you certainly don`t need to add anything to the dental damage you already incur on yourself with all the sugar you eat."
"Aw, please, Twilight, you have to help me! Ill never get it out of my head now. Ive always wanted to learn to smoke a pipe, when I was just an itty-bitty Pinkie, but daddy said only grown-ups should smoke. But Im a grown-up now, so it all works out!" - Pinkies explanation was unusually logical. Besides, Twilight thought grimly, it would be easier to give Pinkie what she wants, rather then talk her out of it. Begrudgingly, she opened the night table and pulled out the pipe out of it.
"Fine. I will show you how to smoke... on one condition." - she grumbled, shaking out the still hot ashes from the pipe and stuffing some fresh tobacco in, - "And my condition is that. I want you to Pinkie-promise you`ll never tell anypony that I smoke. Yes, princess Celestia in particular." She wiped the mouthpiece with a bit of tissue, and levitated the pipe over to Pinkie, sparkling a little fire with her magic as the pipe flew past her horn.
KOFF! KOFF! HACK! KOFF!
Pink mare recoiled back from the pipe, eyeing it with loathing and fear. "Its still... bitter. Ive got cutie mark, moved out, moved in, got a job, saved the world, and its STILL ICKY-PICKY BITTER!" - she muttered despondently, - "Twilight. This is horrible! Do you know what it means? It means I never grew up! OOh, I knew I forgot to do something with all those parties. Oh dear, what do I do now, what do I do now! I dont want to leave mrs. and mr. Cake shorthoofed, and..."
Twilight chuckled softly, her blush abating as she processed the situation. "Im sorry, Pinkie, but youre thinking about it backwards." - she offered firmly but calmly, levitating the pipe back to herself and taking a drag on it - "Tobacco smoke is always bitter. The difference is simply that foals, as a rule of hoof, do not have a developed taste for bitter, that`s all."
She paused, but when it became obvious Pinkie had no meaningful reply to this, Twilight took it as a sign to continue lecture - "To put it really simply, Pinkie, we develop taste for things in linear fashion. First of all, foals develop taste for sweet. This is why every foal likes sweets. Then, we develop taste for spicy. Then, taste for sour. And finally, taste for bitter. Usually, ponies develop a taste for bitter relatively late, around the age when they graduate from school. Sometimes, pony may never even progress past the sweet stage or spicy stage throughout whole their life. It does not mean they are somehow wrong or sick, mind. It just means they won`t like sour and bitter things, ever."
Bbbut... You like it!
Yes, I do. But I do like bitter things, you see?
Um. Wait. Do you mean to tell me that it does not change to good, and you just like how bad it is?
That`s one way of looking at it, I suppose.
NOT FAIR!
Quickly, Pinkie Pie grasped the pipe, grabbing it from the surprised unicorn, and took another whiff from it. Although it still burned her throat and nose from inside, she managed to swallow the smoke without coughing it up this time, exclaming triumphantly - "Haaaah.... HAH! Weee, I haah!... I totally, urk... mana...brrp... Uh!" The rest of brag was lost as Pinkie`s face took on a green tint and she rushed back into the bathroom to part her ways with recently eaten dinner.
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Dear Princess Celestia.
Today, I learned that grown-up ponies sometimes like weird icky things. I also learned its OK if I dont like them.
Still nauseous, Pinkie Pie.
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Yes, Twilight?
I was thinking about your problem a while earlier, and I believe I`ve stumbled upon a solution, Pinkie. Would you like to try a water pipe? It is much milder.
...Um, let me think about that... EEENOPE!
Author's Note
Written on a whim, barely edited and completely pointless. Yes, I really mean the last one. I don`t know what I was trying to say, or even if I wanted to make any kind of point to begin with.