Twilight be pimping!

by TwilightPoopSparkle

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Random
Length: 1740

Twilight starts bustin lyrics like a thug, n' her dope ass don't even know dat shiznit son! Will ponies be offended by her freshly smoked up language?

Twilight is bustin lyrics like a thug n' her dope ass don't even know dat shiznit son! Will mah playas be offended at her freshly smoked up language?

I don't own Gizoogle or My fuckin lil pony yo, but dat would be phat if I done did.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-11 04:20:07 UTC

This chapter is phat

     "C'mon Twilight, you have to snap out of this. It's getting really creepy. Not to mention offensive." A baby purple dragon looked at the pony he just talked to pleadingly.

     "I have no clue what tha fuck yo ass is rappin' bout Spike. I sound normal. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. Yo ass is just overeacting."

     "See! This is what I am talking about! Gosh!" Spike stormed away. The pony just tilted her head in confusion.

     "Go ta bed one night n' raise up ta mah number one assistant yellin all up in mah face. I have no clue whatz wrong yo. Heh, maybe next, everypony is ghon be hollerin all up in mah face. Oh! I forgot son! I gotta pick up tha cupcakes for tha jam todizzle wit Shining Armor at Pinkie Piez bakery." Twilight Sparkle said.

     "Pinkie Pie biaaatch! I be here fo' tha cupcakes." Twilight smiled happily while trotting through the bakery.

     "Silly Twilight, my name's not Pinkie Pie biaaatch! Here's the cupcakes. Be careful too, Pound and Pumpkin cake don't want want to learn those new words." Twilight grabbed the cupcakes before being stopped by a bunch of curious ponies.

     "Ummm...princess...is something wrong with your voice?"

     "No..." Everypony sighed in relief.

     "But I do know there is suttin' fishy goin round here n' i'm goin ta figure it out!"

     Screw the party, there was something more important to be done. For the past two hours, Twilight has being asking everypony if they knew what was "supposedly" wrong with her voice, but they didn't know. She hasn't even touched Poison Joke since the first time she met Zecora. When she asked her, the zebra became extremely offended and shoved her out the door. 'Apparently zebras don't give a fuck bout mah freshly smoked up voice.'

     "Yo, Twilight. Hey come here," A mysterious voice beckoned the alicorn from a dark alleyway.

     Twilight wasn't too worried as she walked into the alleyway. After all, she was a princess and Somepony would notice anyway if she went missing. Finally the mysterious pony revealed himself. He was a shady fellow with dark fur and a trench coat. His face was very ratty and grew a giant yellow smile as he revealed a small white package from a pocket. "Is you all low, biatch? I have some supplies."

          "Uhhh...no props. I don't do sticky-icky-ickys."

     "I know you want dem man. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. By tha way yo' bustin lyrics, I would say you dropped outta High School on yo' first year. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Some snow white here will brang you up. C'mon, try some."

     Twilight walked through Flash Sentry's door with the bag of cocaine. The shady stallion refused no as an answer, so she was forced to buy it. After dumping the contents in a sink, (What? She doesn't want to get in trouble for something illegal!) she called out Flash Sentry's name. Since the retarded Equestria Girls incident, (WORST.ADVENTURE.EVER.) the two have been hanging out for the past couple of weeks. They were just friends; however, Twilight was meaning to ask to break the "friendzone" barrier.

     As soon as the light orange pegasus walked into the living room, Twilight ran up to hug him in the neck. "Flash, there is suttin' blingin dat I wanna tell yo thugged-out ass. I gots a straight-up boner fo' yo thugged-out ass."

     "Oh...honey...I never knew you felt like that this way." He cleared his throat before speaking again. "Why are you talking to me this way as well. It's cute...but please stop."

     "AAAARRRRRGGGGGG!!! I be soopa-doopa sick of figurin up what tha fuck is poppin' off wit me biaaatch! Cut up mah voice biaaatch! Put me up in a menstrual asylum! Just stop bein so buggin! I be leaving. There is some snow white up in tha sink if you want some." The alicorn stormed out of the house and used her magic to slam the door so hard it nearly broke off its hinges. Once she was out of view, Flash quickly ran to the sink to scoop up the remaining drug.

     Once snorting it all up his nose, he sighed in relief. "I was just kidding. I could listen to Twilight talk gangstery all day. I probably need to write to Celestia about this though...mmmm...that's some good stuff."

     Rarity was working on her new line of dresses when a knock startled her. The surprise accidentally ripped apart her 1,000$ material dresses so she would have to start all over. Screaming out all the cuss words she knew out loud, she opened the door with a face of rage. "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT! I'M WORKING HERE YO- oh hello darling, would you like some tea?" The face melted she she saw a sad little Twilight carrying a note in her mouth.

     "According to this note, you can't speak. You have been afflicted with some sort of curse, am I right?" The alicorn nodded. "I heard there was some sort of commotion at Sugarcube Corner this afternoon. Would you care to explain?" Twilight's eyes widened as she shook her head rapidly. 'I guess I will have to make Twilight speak herself.'

     When the alicorn was least suspecting it, she smacked her butt, leaving a red mark. "Raritizzle dawwwwg! Why did you do that, biatch? For a lady, dat is incredibly inappropriate biaaatch! Imagine what tha fuck yo' lil sista would think, seein you do dis shit. Eww!"

     "ME? UNCOUTH? Look at yourself darling! Speaking like one of those drug infested gangsters. We are ashamed of you, right Sweetie Belle?"

     The baby unicorn looked confused at her older sister. "Rarity, what's a biaaatch?" Rarity screamed as she covered up Sweetie's ears. "Twilight! You ruined my dau-uh, I mean my sister! Sweetie Belle, that was nothing. Go run along with your little crusader friends."

     Twilight kept giving the universe second chances, but still it kept acting like a bitch. She wasn't even sure if she could take much more! The paper wasn't really working, so she was forced to duck tape her mouth. She swore if one more pony made fun of her...

     "Hiya Twilight." Applebloom and her friends stared up at her. "Ah' wanted to ask you if you wanted to help us earn our cutie marks today, CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS LIBRARIANS YAY!!!"

     Wait. She knew sign language! Twilight used her arms to spell out what she was saying, but it just aggravated the Crusaders. "Twilight! Stop waving your hooves around like you are crazy. We need yes or no as an answer."

     Sighing, she nodded her head; it is so hard to resist the adorableness of the CMC. But how is she going to talk to the CMC? She didn't want them to learn new words. As she was planning what to do, Scootaloo spoke up. "Guys! I know what Twilight is saying. I have a deaf grandmother, and we use sign language all the time! I'm a little rusty but I'm sure it can work.

     Twilight used her hooves to spell out 'Put the autobiography books on the top left shelf.' Okay...that wasn't so hard.

     "Girls! Twilight says to put the celery in the cook books." What? No! Twilight waved her hooves once more. "Now she says to shoot Spike and feed him paper."

     "But Scootaloo, the celery will stain the books, and what are we going to do with a dead Spike?" Applebloom asked.

     "No! Thatz not what tha fuck I holla'd at all. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Scootaloo. Go practice some mo' n' mo' n' mo'. I don't give a fuck bout everyone. I don't give a fuck bout Equestria! I don't give a fuck bout mah voice biaaatch! Git outta mah game!"

     "Ah'm telling Applejack that you're cussing. Ya' are a potty mouth; ya' can't say those words!" The three fillies left the library crying, leaving only a fuming Twilight Sparkle. And some random pony who was happily eating celery from a cook book he found.

     Twilight was on her bed crying. Everypony now hated her. Big Mac and Applejack beat her up and Zecora shot her in the side. Even the doctors were so offended by her voice that they didn't even provide adequate medical attention! A loud thump from outside momentarily stopped her pitiful state. 'Let me guess, another pony ta shun me.'

     When she opened the door, it was Princess Celestia! "Why hello my most faithful student," She replied in a gentle tone. "I heard Ponyville has been having some major troubles. Many ponies have written to me about claiming you had a very offensive voice. I was told to take care of the problem."

      "Yo ass don't KNOW Supa-Hoe Celestia. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Some kind of curse or spell has happened ta me n' I can't even stop dat shiznit son! Please don't be mad all up in mah face." Celestia's eye twitched slightly. "I can't even find a spell ta fix this muthafucka! What do I do?"

     "STOP! Even I am sick of your chatter. If you can't even find a spell to fix a speech problem, you're screwed. How do my little ponies still use this voice! I rather use the Royal Canterlot Voice than this! Just make it stop! Phew...just keep it together Celestia, you can do this. Twilight, you are in trouble for so many ponies hattin' on you and you deserve it. For punishment, I am having your wings provoked." Poof! Twilight's not a Mary Sue anymore!

     "And you are sent to the moon."

     "But I-"

     "TO THE MOOOOOOOONNN!!!" Twilight was thrown into space, forced to live with her gangstery voice for a 1000 years. Which is pretty hard, saying that ponies only live to be 400.

     Discord put down his Twilight Scepter and laughed at the whole scene. "Oh man, I didn't mean for it to go that far. It was just a prank! This is so good...time to screw up something else!"