Be water my friend

I was walking through the streets of Eskilstuna. A city somewhere in central Sweden. The snow was falling gently from the sky and laid graciously on the ground. The sight of fresh snow always puts a smile on my face. Too bad that it will soon be just as gray and dark as the sky above me thanks to the exhaust gas from the frickin´ cars.

That’s the downside when it comes to living in a bigger city. When I was a kid and lived in the countryside of this god forgotten country, I never had to worry about black snow at all. Heck, black snow was just something that existed on the road. Now… It feels like there’s no such thing as white, pure snow.

The air was so light that it felt heavy and my breaths were visible due to the temperature difference. Thankfully I was carrying a thick winter jacket in black and a grey beanie. My heavy winter boots were covered in snow that got stuck during my walk through the City centrum. I wasn’t doing nor looking for something special, I just wanted to take a walk.

There weren’t many people outside today thankfully. I like walking alone in the dark, it feels so… Calm and… and… lonely.

I crossed the road to get to the other side when I heard a car coming at me in full speed. Without looking I increased my speed which made the car to miss me by inches. It didn’t stop however but just kept on driving like an idiot while honking.

“JÄVLA IDIOT!” (Fucking idiot)

I yelled to the driver as I saw it driving away and made a left turn and disappeared behind some buildings.

“Helvete! Fick du körkortet från ett flingpaket?” (Fuck! Did you get your driving license from a cereal box?)

I said to no one in particular. So i gave another sigh and kept on going home.

walked for another fifteen minutes and ended up in front of a small corner store. A rather big and bald man was standing outside the shop wearing a thick winter jacket and stood there with his cellphone on his right hand and a cigarette on the other. He’s from… Iran I think… No it was Israel!

“Hey! Martin where have you been?!” The large man said as he noticed me walking by.

“Hi Reuven! Oh nothing I was just buying a Fanta down at the supermarket”

“Martin, Martin. When will you learn that the price is better here! And its only twenty meter away from your apartment!”

“I’ll learn that it’s cheaper here when you learn how to tell me the price in Swedish you lazy bum!”

“Who are you calling a lazy bum you little brat? At least I have a job, what are you doing, huh?”

“Studying to become a successful man. Not that you would understand or anything” I said while giving him a small grin

“That’s right boy, keep on studying and you might end up like my cousin Leron!”

“Didn’t he die by an overdose?”

“It turns out that drugs were cheaper than taking a student loan”

“Were they cheaper than the cocaine you’re selling?” My grin grew bigger as I started to walk to my apartment.

“Oh go to hell with you and your family” He said laughing while flipping me the bird.

I didn’t look back but waved back at him as I said “I’ll keep a seat warm for you until you arrive too!” Loud enough for him to hear.

He’s Alright that Reuven. But how he managed to live here for 5 years without learning even the simplest of words in Swedish is beyond my understanding. Thankfully he can speak English good enough to be understood.

I stopped at my apartment port and dialed in the number code and went up two floors. I stopped at the door that said “Veronica Carlsson” and took out my key to unlock the door, but I couldn’t find them.

“Åh kommigen!” (Oh common!)

I stopped searching for the keys and rang the doorbell instead.

“Snälla säg att du är fortfarande hemma…” (Please tell me that you are still home)

“He’s waking up doctor!” A feminine voice filled my black void as I started to slightly move and tried to find something to help me sit up. But such thing was not at reach so I slowly opened my eyes.

The room was too bright for my recently newly awaken mind and eyes so I quickly shut them close and tried again.

What I found was nothing I wanted to see as the first thing in the morning. Before me was five white guards in golden armor, pointing their spears at me. I also saw that someone left the room. Probably the girl I just heard a second ago.

“You are under arrest for assault and attempted murder to one of Equestrias citizens. You are going to be escorted to our rulers, princess Celestia and Luna for a interrogation. You have the right to remain silent as everything you say can be used against you at the court of law.” One of the guards said while bringing their spears closer to me. Judging by the smoothness in his little speech he must be a veteran in this profession.

“...... Is it an interrogation or a trial?” I said as I did my best not to show any fear.

“It will start with an interrogation, what will happen next is up to the princesses.”

Thank god! That means that I still have a chance to get out of this mess… Wait, did that fucking blond pony sell me out?! After saving her life?! Aw hell no!

“The doctor have given us permission to take you to Canterlot right now due to your fast recovery, you should however take it slow for a while. Do you understand?”

“Clear as water. Just one question though.”

“What?”

“Where are my clothes?” I just found out that my clothes were missing. I was literally laying there bare naked in front of the guards with nothing but a blanket over me.

“Clothing is not mandatory. We must however-”

“I don’t think you understand you slow fuck. I, as you can see, am not covered in fur as you are. I can easily get a cold if I am not protected from the cold air.”

“It’s 30 degrees celsius outside Mr.” one of the guards said.

“But there’s another thing. I don’t want others to stare AT MY FUCKING BOLLOCKS YOU TWAT!” I yelled at their general directions while I was showing them my naked body just to prove my point.

They all took a step back at my sudden move. They did however get a clear picture of what I was talking about as I once again covered myself with the blanket. One of the guards whispered something to his fellow guard beside him and walked out of the room.

“You are going to get back your belongings right now, we have however taken possession of any dangerous objects that you was carrying.

“What “objects”? I haven't even carried a bloody coin in past two weeks!”

“We found a knife and…. Wait! Have you been here for two weeks?” One of the guards asked while giving a concern look to his fellow co workers. His voice sounded rather… Pitched. How old is this lad? Seriously, did Celestia and Luna send pups to fetch me?!

“Ask Twilight, I have been spending fourteen fucking days in her bloody basement”

They were just about to ask something once again but was interrupted by a guard that came in with my clothes balancing on his wing. That was actually pretty neat of him to balancing everything with one wing only… Hey, I ain’t even mad! That’s is quite impressive.

The guard placed my clothes at the end of my bed. I slowly sat up but noticed that the guards took a defencive pose as i reached for the clothes. It was about now that i notice how small these ponies are in comparison to me! Small and small, they were reaching up to the beginning of my chest area but still!

I didn’t pay any attention to them anymore as I started to dress up. It wasn’t the most fashionable piece of clothing but it did the job. A pair of blue jeans and a green hoodie…. Beautiful.

Now that I got fabulous again I got of the bed and did a stretch. “So… Take me where you need to take me.”

“We will” said the veteran. “But before we do so. Do you require anything to eat or drink at the moment? The trip will take two hours at least.”

I thought about it for a few seconds but decided that the food could wait even though I was quite hungry. I can’t rest until I’ll ask Celestia if there’s a way back home. Twilight did tell me about their extremely powerful princess that even could raise the sun… Now that is just bollock, but right now I can't be picky about realism. I AM being arrested by ponies am I not?

And with that they lead me out of the door but just as I was outside that hospital room there was something that worried me…. It was dead silent. Seriously, not a single soul was around!

Two of the five guards walked past me and stopped before me. “Okay boys, let's get this over with. If he tries to do something funny you have my permission to do what it takes to bring him down” The one to the right said. I guess I found out who the leader of this sad bunch of lads is.

“What, no handcuffs?” I said while raising an eyebrow.

“I don’t think that will be necessary. My boys here are special trained to eliminate possible threats like you. So be a good colt and don’t give us a reason to put you down” The leader said while giving me an ice cold gaze.

I lifted up my hands defensively. “Oi! why does everybody think that I only mess things up?! I’ll behave.”

“It’s everyPONY not everyBODY. Go back to school and stay there would you? Now MOVE!” The youngest one of them said as he moved his spear with his wing closer to my back.

I started to walk and they followed suite, trying my best not to hit that squeaky fuck right at his Adam’s apple.

As we walked down the corridor I noticed a cart right outside one of the hospital rooms in front of me. It was carrying food and refreshments for the hospitalized pony inside I suspect. And there I saw it, a knife along with a fork and a glass of apple juice… If I time this right….

We got closer and closer to the cart and I actually started to become nervous. If this fails then I'm in big trouble. But if I succeed however, I’ll get something useful to defend myself with if its needed to.

Just when we were just a few feet away from the cart I launched at it and tipped it over as both I and the cart fell to the ground. I got lucky enough to catch the knife before it touched the ground and placed it in my pocket as the glass fell down to the floor and sending out shreds and apple juice all over the clean hospital floor.

The two guards before me quickly turned around and pointed their spears at me but quickly lowered them down in confusion as they saw both the floor and me covered in apple juice.

I quickly got up and leaned against the wall, covering the knife by covering the pocket with the green hoodie.

“W-WHAT THE HELL MAN!?” I yelled out as i turned around and faced the youngest one. “The fuck did you push me for you sick fuck?”

“I-I did no such thing! You just jumpe-”
“Why, in the actual name of fuckington would I do that?! Look at my clothes! Covered in bloody apple juice!”

“Don’t lie to us you freak! I was beside him the whole time and he didn’t lay a hoof on you!” Said the co worker at the young one’s left. The other one was just nodding.

“Oh! So you helped him you bloody cu-”

“ENOUGH!” The leader yelled. “We’ll get you a new set of clothes when we arrive. The princesses are waiting and you don’t want them in a bad mood before your trial, Understood?”

“Oh fuck you ma-”

“Understood!?” The leaders voice became just as venomous as my school cafeterias ‘homemade’ meatballs.

“...Understood capt’n” I said in a defeated voice. The leader gave me a small nod and with that we started to walk down the corridor once again. I glanced back to the young lad and gave him a death stare and he tried to give me an equal gaze but failed miserably. I looked back to the end of the hall and smiled.

Everything went just as planned.

I was sitting in a… Wagon of some sort…. Except it was flying! Driven by nothing but two white Pegasuses...Pegasi?... Pegasuses in golden armor…. Why are they all white?! And how do they all look alike? AND HOW CAN TWO FRICKIN’ PONIES CARRY A WHOLE WAGON FILLED WITH THREE PONIES AND ME ON THE SAME GO!?!?!?

Calm down Martin… Just keep it cool… You’ll get your answers answered soon enough.

I must say that I did a good job not to freak out verbally and visually… But inside, I was scared half to death. I have a mix of claustrophobia and a fear of heights. Don’t get me wrong, I am not afraid of heights and I am not claustrophobic. It’s just that I can’t handle being inside a small area and being high up at the same time. So yeah… I can ride a rollercoaster without problem but i can’t ride on the Ferris wheel… My brain is fucked up.

I was looking forward and tried my best not to look out of the window. I noticed that one of the guards was quite amused by my fear due to the fact that he was glancing at me more than once with a smirk.

“What?” I said, glaring back at him with an annoyed voice.
“I’m glad that even a sadistic freak like yourself have something to fear” I was taken aback by those words. Not because it was hurting my feelings, but the fact that the one who said it sounded very feminine. It was about now I noticed that this pony in question looked more… how to say it? Smoother than the other two. Now that I think about it… Did I really give out the signal about my fear that clearly?!

I started to chuckle mildly “A sadistic freak? Is that how you guys see me as?” The guards didn’t stop glaring at me… I think that means ‘yes’.

“What have you guys heard about me?” Time to see if that Western wannabe is telling shit or not.

“That you knocked out a baby dragon and tried to kill the element of honesty when she tried to save her friend from you” the gal replied angrily

“Did she tell you guys this herself?”

“No” Said the guard beside me “Thanks to you she got transferred into Canterlot royal hospital!”

“And that’s… Bad?”

The wagon became quiet as the grave itself. That until the gal broke the silence

“I hope that Celestia banish you to the sun at the same moment she lays her eyes on your disgusting figure”

“I can’t shake of that tiny little tingling sensation back in my head that you dislike me for some reason”

The gal exhaled through her nostrils in quite a rough manner and turned her head and faced the window… Eeeyup, she dislikes me alot.

And with that little chit chat over I decided to take a look throughout the window, and boy was that stupid. I quickly turned my head and faced the floor instead, trying not to freak out too much.

The wagon landed smoothly on the ground. And when I say smoothly I mean ‘so smooth that you barely felt it smooth’! I noticed that the guards weren’t moving at all though.

“So… Have we arrived or what?” I said while raising an eyebrow.

They didn’t answer so I took the liberty to take a look out of the window. And just as I was able to see anything, a white flash blended me and I quickly covered my eyes with my hands as I looked away from the window. I could hear the guards mildly laughter filling my ears as I uncovered my eyes and looked around with watery eyes.

“F-fucking hell!” I tried to wipe away the tears but they did not stop appearing… Aww fucking hell, now a big bloody spot is covering my vision! Hate those bloody bastards!

“Not a fan of the camera are you?” One of the guards said as he held back his snickering as well as he could.

“It doesn't surprise me at all. He’s so ugly that mirrors would crack! Why would a camera be any different?” The female guard said, and I was just about to reply when the door to the wagon swung opened and filled the seats with white blinding light. I covered my eyes quickly; several flashing sounds were heard as what seemed like billions of voices yelling out their questions.

But it didn’t take long as a voice calling out: “That’s enough!”, “Out of the way!” and the flashing lights started to die out but did not stop completely. I then heard that the guards that had accompanied me through this bloody trip started to stand up… so I did the same. And with that we all started to walk out of the wagon.

And what I saw baffled me. Not the fact that what seemed like hundreds of ponies trying to take pictures and asking questions of all sorts. What baffled me was the most beautiful castle I have ever seen. Right before me was a tall, white castle. If I was ten years old again I would’ve pissed myself by cheer happiness.

A sharp object was pressed against my back and I placed my hands in my pockets and started to walk towards the stairs, not giving a fuck about the ponies all around me. But I could not stop looking at the big castle wall. It was so beautiful.

“HALT!” A stern voice filled my ears and I lost focus on the castle and started to look at the source of the voice. It was another guard, an unicorn one but in a little fancier armor but just a little bit.

And without a warning a green aura was surrounding me so I started to hold my knife tighter in fear that I had to use it.

The glowing aura disappeared and the guard yelled out: “He’s clear! Bring him in!”.
I was just about to walk in when the, oh so annoying, lad to a guard pointed out that I am immune to magic. But his boss didn’t seem to listen as he motioned to me that I should hurry the fuck up… So I did. Just as I entered the castle the shut close right behind me and before me stood, let me see… 2,4 , 6, 8 ,10 1- 15 guards, pointing their spears at me….. Why are they only carrying spears!?! What’s wrong with good old fashioned swords?! But then again, how would they even wielding it?

One of the guards took a step forward and cleared his throat.

“We shall lead you to the interrogation room, where you will be asked a certain amount of questions by the rulers of Equestria, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. And we want you to answer them all with honesty. And no joking around and being a class clown. Do you understand?”

“Sir, yes, Sir” I replied

“Good. Now before doing so, you, as a living creature with feelings and consciousness matched to our own you may ask for a final wish before the interrogation starts.”

Well I say, fancy that!

“There’s only one thing I wish.”

“And that is?”

“I want to talk to the princesses and the princesses only” I said with as straight a face I could muster.

“W-what are you talking about? The original idea of this interrogation WAS that yo-”

“Don’t try to talk shit with me. You think I was born yesterday? I want to talk to the princesses in PRIVATE! I don’t want any of you twats spying around and observing me and/or writing down anything that is said behind those walls. Do you understand?”

“... I’ll make sure that the princesses receives your wish”

“Thank you” I said as i witnessed him teleported away… He just bloody disappeared just like that!

I tried to keep my cool though as the guards started to surround me and lead me towards the great halls of this magnificent castle… That is if it wasn’t for a certain lad that stormed in and headed to us. The guard and I stopped on the spot and turned to the young guard who looked nervous as hell.

“What’s the meaning of this!?” one of the guards spat out as the young one came closer.

“We need to check that thing again!” The young one said which resulted in many eyebrows to raise… even my own actually.

“And why is that? Don’t you trust in your generals decision?”

“I-It’s not that! T-this creature is immune to magic!”

Every guard around me started to laugh at those words. I on the other hand started to become nervous. I underestimated that pup…

“Yes we are all aware of that! That’s why our captain did an metal detector spell AROUND HIM you fool!”

“B-But he is sti-”

“I KNOW WHAT HE IS, BOY!” the guard raised his voice in an irritated manner. “But last time I checked, metal is NOT immune to magic, now is it?”

“N-no sir bu-”

“Then don’t waste our time boy! Now back to your post or I’ll make sure that you won’t even guard school fillies when I'm done with you!”

“S-sorry s-sir! I-I will go now!” And with that he ran off.

“Kids these days” I said to the irritated guard. “You give them a book about stars and they’ll act like they know everything about space”

“Couldn’t have said it better myself” the guard muttered. “Now move along! We’re wasting enough sunlight as it is.” And thus, we began to walk down the corridors once again. I was indeed relieved that the old fool had a hybris bigger than his own ego, otherwise I would be in BIG trouble.

Everything good has its end, they all say. The good things haven’t even started yet on my part! I swear, if I have to walk up another case of stairs once more someone will end up with a cactus up their anuses. But it seemed that heaven gave me an annoyed smile to me because we finally stopped at a small black, iron door.

“Now in with you. The princesses will arrive shortly” The grumpy guard said as he opened the black, iron door and motioned that I should pick up the pace. So I did.

As I entered the rather small, dark room with only a chair and a table in the center, I couldn’t shake of the unfunny feeling that I’m in deep shit.

So I did the only thing I could possibly do… I sat down and waited…. And I waited…. And I waited…. And I wa- yeah you get the idea.

But just then, when I was just about to fall asleep by pure boredom the door opened. And in walked a rather big pure white horse… Oh god… Why did you create a horse with both wings AND a horn?! And why do I keep asking you stuff? I don’t even believe in you!

The white horse (shudder) closed the door behind her and walked up to the table before me. A coffee cup was floating right next to her in a yellow aura. She placed the cup in front of me and looked me in the eyes.

“Thirsty?” She asked in the most soothing voice that only a caring mother could manage to pull of… Now I hate her even more.

“Why yes thank you” I said as I reached for the cup and took a look what was inside. Looks like its apple juice…. Are you serious?

“I promise you that it’s not poisoned” The princess said with a hint of humor in her voice.

“And I should trust you because…?” I asked as I placed the cup back to the table

“Unlike you, I keep my promises.”

“And what is that supposed to mean?”

“You told Twilight that you would wait for my arrival, and look where that promise went.”

“Big talk from a, as we call it at home, a false description”

“What do you mean by ‘false description’?” She asked as her voice became more and more serious and less playful.

“You look like an angel but acts like a devil”

“Excuse me?” I could hear that she was no longer amused by this conversation.

“Here you are saying that I am a filthy liar when your actions morality are even matching my own”

“Are you calling me a liar?”

“Yes I am. Your guards told me that I had right for one last wish before starting this conversation with you. And do you remember what my wish was?”

“You wanted to talk to me and my sister in private. No documentation whatsoever.”

“Then tell me ‘princess’. Why are they watching us now?”

Right that moment Celestia gave me the goddamn best pokerface I have ever seen!

“I can assure you that nopony is watching us, nor documenting anything”

“Then explain this to me: You order your guards to place me here. Without handcuffs or any security measures whatsoever and then you walk in to this very room, without any concerns that I might be waiting for a chance to hit you in the head with this chair.” I started to rocking the chair to point out that I was fully capable of moving it. “There are no windows here either, so you could not possibly check before you walked in.”

The princess just kept on giving me that damn pokerface. She knows how it’s done I give her that.

“Martin… I can assure you that nopony I-”

Before she could finish those words I stood up and slammed the knives sharp side down right on the table in front of her. The cup fell over and spilled out every drop of juice and at exactly that moment four unicorn guards teleported in from each corner and levitated their spears towards me. It didn’t matter though, I knew I won this one and so did Celestia.