Jack Ryan woke up on Celestia’s bed with the mother of all hangovers.
“Ugh…” The 25 year-old groaned, pulling off the tangled covers. He could see Princess Celestia sleeping right next to him, snoring with a sound very similar to a sawmill.
Jack rubbed his aching head. To say he felt like crap would've been like saying that a blast furnace was somewhat warm. It felt like someone had put his head in a vice and given it a few turns.
The last time he’d woken up like this, he’d had a toilet seat around his neck, a lampshade on his head, and a lipstick smiley face on his stomach
Something in Jack’s stomach decided it didn’t like its accommodations. The acid-filled sack decided to take up a career as a stunt plane.
"Crap!”. John felt hot bile rising in his throat. He threw himself off the bed. No time to find a toilet. He needed something to puke in. Fast.
John’s eyes darted around the room like a kid on a sugar high. He spotted an elaborately decorated vase by the wall. It was a beautiful piece of pottery, with a lovely blue glaze and inset gemstones.
It’d do.
Jack put a hand over his mouth and scrambled over to the vase. He shoved his face, his cheeks puffed out, and he expelled the contents of his digestive tract.
As Jack wiped vomit from his lips, he spotted a bathroom right next to the main entrance.
Well that woulda come in handy about two seconds ago. Jack groused. He plodded into the bathroom like a zombie looking for brains, and dipped his head into a water-filled marble basin. He swished some water around in his mouth and swallowed.
John slowly lifted his head and moaned. He needed aspirin, or at whatever these ponies used for aspirin. Then he needed a pot of coffee, some sunglasses and…
Jack got a glimpse of himself in a gold-framed mirror and did a double-take. What the fizzity-uck? He was almost completely naked! His only coverings were a gold chest plate, a golden tiara, and gold foot guards very similar to the Princess regalia...
Jack started. They were the Princess’ regalia! They’d been altered to fit his bipedal frame, but they were the exact same ornaments she’d been wearing when he’d arrived.
What the hell had happened last night?
BLARRRGH!!
John turned around. There, wearing a University of Washington sweatshirt and baseball cap, was Princess Celestia, throwing up in the same vase he’d used.
“Ohhh…” moaned the Princess of the Sun. The pure white alicorn raised her muzzle from the vase and slowly clopped over to the bathroom. She dipped her equine head into the basin and took a drink.
“You alright Princess?”
Celestia swished the water in her equine mouth and swallowed. She slowly rotated her head towards John. “Do I look alright?” The alicorn's normally vibrant mane was tangled and limp, its colors washed out and dull. Her impeccably groomed coat now resembled a tangled shag carpet, and her massive eyes looked like she’d been using lemon juice for eye drops.
No, she did not look alright.
The princess slowly clopped over to the front doors, clutching her head with a forehoof. She rapped on the door three times. One of the Solar Guard appeared.
“Yes, your Highness?”
“Fetch the royal apothecary. Tell him to prepare two doses of ground broc flower and xander root.” The guard started down the steps. ” Wait!“ The guard stopped. “While you’re at it, have the maids brew some tea and…“ Celestia turned her head towards Jack. “Do you want anything?“
“Coffee. Black as you can make it.”
“Good. Now please, hurry.”
The guard saluted. “At once your majesty!”
The door slammed shut, causing Celestia and Jack to wince. She looked at Jack and froze For a minute, the two beings just stared at each other, eyes bulging. Slowly, surely, the gears in their heads began to turn.
“Why are you wearing my regalia?”
“Why are you wearing my clothes?”
Celestia looked around. “Forget the clothes. What in tartarus happened to my bedroom?”
John looked around. To say that Celestia’s bedroom had been trashed would’ve been like saying that Dresden had been slightly inconvenienced by WWII. The carpeted floor was covered with bits of broken glass and empty bottles, as well copious amounts of spilled liquor. Nearly every piece of furniture in the room had been overturned, their priceless coverings splattered with what appeared to be custard, and were those holes in the wall ?
Jack looked at the bed. “Uh, your highness…”
“What…?:
Jack pointed at the bed and the princess’ jaw dropped like a bass note in a dubstep song. The bed was almost as bad as the rest of the room. The pillows had been shredded to pieces-it looked as though a flock of molting geese had settled down on the bed. The bed sheets had been tangled beyond recognition, stained with sweat and other…fluids.
The human and the alicorn just stared at each other, each trying their best to keep their cool. The awkwardness in the air was thick enough to swim in.
“Did we…?” Said Celestia.
“I…I guess so.”
A knock at the door mercifully interrupted their conversation. A unicorn butler entered with two cups and two vials of orange powder.
“Your tea, coffee, and powder, your highness.”
“Thank you.” The princess said. “You may go now.”
The butler left. The princess started stripping off the shirt, while Jack did the same with the regalia. Celestia slipped her ornaments back on; they definitely looked a lot better on her than they did on him. She then levitated a monogrammed bathrobe over to him. “Here.”
Jack slipped into the robe. Celestia set the tea service on the table and stirred some of the powder into her tea. Jack sat down and did the same with his coffee.
“So, Celestia.” John said, taking a sip of his coffee. “Any idea what happened last night?”
The princess held up a fore hoof. “First tea, then talk.”
The princess sipped her tea. Some of the color returned to her mane. “Ah…that’s much better.”
Jack took a sip of his coffee. Whatever the powder was, it was surprisingly sweet. Sorta like bitter
sugar. The minute it reached his stomach, his headache faded away like an old meme.
“So, Princess, you remember what happened last night?”
“I…think so. Hold on.” Celestia’s horn glowed for a few seconds. "There, that spell should help clear our heads"
Jack felt something relax in his head. It was as if his brain had just drunk its morning coffee.
Yes, I remember now…”
Jack slowly climbed the steps to Celestia’s bedroom with the enthusiasm of a criminal approaching a gallows.
To say he was nervous would’ve been like calling Tvtropes.com somewhat distracting. The 25-year old was downright terrified. His hands were soaked with sweat and his feet felt as though he‘d filled his sneakers with dead fish. In his chest, his heart beat like a hyperactive jackhammer operated by an overcaffienated meth addict.
Then again, he had every right to be nervous. He’d just been invited to the bedroom of one of the most powerful beings in Equestria. Seriously, Celestia was nothing less than a god to these ponies. If he made the tiniest mistake during his visit- forgetting to bow, spilling his drink, etc- the castle maids would probably be scraping his carbonized remains off the walls…if he was lucky.
Finally, Jack finished the agonizing climb. He found himself in front of two elaborately decorated wooden doors, each guarded by two of Celestia’s elite Solar Guard.
Jack walked up to the door, only to be stopped by the Guard’s razor-tipped wings. “Halt!” They barked in unison. “State your business with her highness!”
“I’m…I’m J-J-Jack.” The human stammered. He knew from experience that the royal guards were like teddy bears armed with M-60s; cute, but extremely dangerous. Seriously, these two probably knew twenty different ways to kill a pony with their teeth.
“I wuh-wuh-was invited here by the Princess.” Jack whimpered,
The guards looked at each other. “One second. Don‘t move.”
Both guards slipped behind the doors. Jack stood in place, sweating like a pig in a sauna in the middle of the desert. He could hear some indistinct. mumbling Finally, the two slipped out. They bowed.
“Our apologies, honored guest. The two stepped aside. “The Princess is expecting you.”
The doors slowly opened, and Jack stepped into the bedroom of a Goddess.
-
Jack looked around the bedroom, his jaw wider than America’s income gap. Everything, from the beautiful carpet to the massive bed, screamed expensive. The wall decorations alone would’ve bankrupted Bill Gates. The ceiling was painted with a mural that made the Sistine Chapel look like something made with Microsoft Paint.
“Hello, Jack.”
Jack turned around. There, sitting at a table by a massive stained glass window, was Princess Celestia.
For a talking horse, the princess was surprisingly beautiful, with large, doe-like eyes, a magnificent flowing mane and tail, and ample, uh, assets. All of which was surrounded by what Jack could only describe as an aura of…power.
The human’s knees turned to jelly (blackberry jelly to be exact). He prostrated himself in front of the Princess, pressing his face against the silky carpet like he was making out with it.
“Greetings your most highest supreme majesty omnipotence…”
The princess laughed softly. “ Please, relax. You’re an honored guest in my castle.”
Jack pushed himself up. “Of-of course your majesty.”
The pure white alicorn laughed again. “Please, just call me ’Celestia’”.
Jack relaxed slightly. Celestia’s voice wasn’t anything like he’d expected. From what he’d heard from the ponies, he’d expected a cross between a thunderstorm and an atomic blast. Instead, she sounded more like his mother, only without the constant nagging and the questions about when he was finally gonna get a girlfriend.
“Alright, Celestia.” Jack siad, feeling slightly less terrified.
Celestia motioned with a fore hoof. “Please, take a seat and relax.” She smiled “It‘s not like I‘m going to send you to the moon or anything.”
Jack slowly shuffled over to the table. He pulled out a chair and sat down.
“It’s so good that you could make it here. “ Celestia said. “Sorry the guards gave you so much trouble.”
“It’s, uh, alright.” John said, shifting his butt on the surprisingly comfortable wrought iron.
The alicorns horn glowed, and a bottle of wine and two glasses appeared on the table. “Would you like some wine” She poured him a glass of dark red liquid. “It’s a Canterlot merlot, vintage 780 AB (After Banishment); a good year for wine.”
“Ok.” Jack said. He slowly grasped the wineglass and brought it to his lips. He took a sip; the stuff was pretty good; like if a blackberry and a pine tree had a baby together.
Celestia poured herself a glass and took a sip. “Now Jack, tell me a bit about yourself…”
Drink count: One glass of wine each
“So tell me, Jack, how did you end up in Equestria?”
Jack took another sip of wine. “Well, I was at the University, helping to fix an experimental particle accelerator…”
The princess raised an eyebrow “ A particle what?”
“It’s a contraption that smashes particles into itty-bitty pieces. You know about atoms and sub-atomic particles, right?”
Celestia looked like he’d asked her what the color blue tasted like.
“Well, I’ll tell you later. Anyway, the accelerator had been acting up. I was looking over a circuit board, trying to figure out what was wrong, when one of the technicians spilled a can of diet coke on the control panel.”
Jack took a long, steady sip, savoring the wine. ”The controls short-circuited, the accelerator exploded, and the next thing I knew, I was in a bathtub in the royal bathroom.”
Celestia chuckled. “Oh yes; I remembered hearing Luna scream about a ‘monster’ in her bathtub.“
“Yeah” Jack said, his face turning as red as the wine. “If Princess Twilight hadn’t teleported me out at the last second, things….could’ve gotten ugly…”
Drink Count: Two glasses of wine each
“So tell me, Jack..” Celestia said, pouring the human another glass of wine. What do you think of Equestria?
Jack took a sizable gulp from his glass. “Eh, it’s an ok place. Sure, there’s that cursed forest right next to Ponyville, the occasional super powered tyrant trying to take over Equestria and/or screw with reality, no electricity, and a lot of bad horse puns, but otherwise, it ain’t a bad place.
“I see.” Celestia drained the last of her wine and poured herself another glass. “Have you made any friends during your stay in Ponyville?”
“Yeah, I’ve made a few. There’s Princess Twilight’s. She’s a pretty nice pony, even if she did turn me into a dragon that one time.” He groaned. He still hadn’t stopped sneezing flames. “There’s Pinkie Pie. Nice enough, though I’m pretty sure she’s on some kind of drug. Probably meth. And that yellow one, Fluttershy. She’s pretty sweet, once she warms up to ya. Can’t say the same for that rabbit of hers, though.”
Jack reclined in his chair. ”There’s also this harp-playing unicorn, Lyra’s her name. She seems to have taken a shine to me. Seems nice enough, but for some reasons she’s always staring at my hands.”
The few drops of wine disappeared down Jack‘s throat. He held out his glass; “Mind refreshing my glass?”
Drink Count: Four glasses of wine each.
“So then what happened” Jack said, leaning back in his chair.
Celestia giggled. Her cheeks were turning a distinct shade of red. “Well, Luna cast her usual spell and the moon began to rise. It wasn’t until it had fully risen that she’d realized what I’d done.”
John downed half his glass in one gulp. “And what’d you do?”
Celestia leaned towards John. “ I rearranged the craters to spell, ‘Luna is a fatflank‘.
The two burst into laughter. Using celestial bodies to prank your sibling. Classic.
“Ah, yes, that was one of my better ones.” Celestia chuckled. Amazingly, she downed her entire glass in one gulp. “’Course, Lulu didn’t take it laying down. A week later, she put magically strengthened glue on my throne when nopony was looking. It took hours to remove the cushion from my flank.”
Jack grabbed the bottle and tilted it over his glass. A few beads of liquid dripped out.
“Looks like we’re outta wine”. Jack said disappointedly.
“No problem”. The princess’ icicle-like horn glowed, and a stack of wine bottles materialized next to the table. Celestia pulled out a bottle with her magic and uncorked it with a magically summoned corkscrew. “Now where were we…?”
Drink Count: 1 Bottle of wine each
“ Ya know…I dunno why they call ya a princess.”
“Waddya mean?” Celestia said, taking a swig of wine straight from the bottle.
“I mean, where ah come from, princessez are the daughterz of queens or something’ and well you…ya don’t have a queen.”
Celestia handed the bottle to Jack. “Ya know….I nevuh really thougth about its that way or something.” She drawled, her cheeks redder than a soviet flag dunked in ketchup. “It’s just…the way we do things around here. Tradition, y’know.”
Jack took a swig of the fermented fruit juice and wiped his lips. He stared into space for a minute.
“What were we talkin’ bout again?”
Celestia shrugged. “I dunno.”
The Princess’ horn glowed, and a stack of custard pies appeared.
“Wanna have a pie war?”
“Ok.”
Drink Count: Two bottles of wine each
Jack crouched behind an overturned sofa, readying a pie.
The room had been turned into a battleground. Every bit of furniture that wasn’t nailed down had been flipped over and turned into an impromptu fort. He controlled one end of the room, and Celestia controlled the other. In between them was a pie-splattered No-mans land, littered with custard and bits of pie crust.
It was kinda like WWI, only sillier.
Jack tucked his pie under his arm. The two of them had been chucking pies at each other for over an hour, and had yet to make any kind of progress. It was time to break the stalemate.
The inebriated human leapt, or rather, stumbled over the top of his fortifications and ran drunkenly towards his equine foe. Celestia popped her head up and used her magic to send a volley of pies his way. Thankfully, she was just as drunk as he was, Jack managed to dodge the pastry projectiles and clumsily climbed over the antique chair she was using as a fort. He saw the white alicorn cowering behind an antique chair.
“You lose, Celeshtia. “Jack slurred. He hurled the pie at the pony princess…only to have it pass right through her.
“Looksh behind ya’”
Jack turned around. There was Celestia, standing as triumphantly as she could in her drunken state.
“Eat cushtard, human!”
The minute the alicorn spoke, six custard pies hurled themselves at Jack. At this range, even the alicorns’ shaky aim could not miss. All six of the baked missiles hit splattered the drunk human with custard and piecrust
Jack slowly picked himself off the floor. He raised his hands in defeat. “Okay okay, you win.”
Celestia’s horn glowed, and the two were clean in seconds. “Sho.” Celestia said, taking another swig of
cider, “Waddya wanna do now?”
Jack looked at Celestia’s tiara. “Ya know.” He slurred. “Thatsh a really nice crown…”
Drink Count: Three Bottles of Wine and 2 shots of griffonian vodka each.
“(hic)Look at me!” Jack proclaimed in a drunken falsetto, prancing around in Celestia‘s regalia. “I’ms a pretty pony princessh (hic).”
“And I’m a (hic) big shtrong human!” Celestia said in the lowest voice she could manage, stomping around in Jack’s jeans and UW sweatshirt.
Jack flapped his hands and pranced around the room like a drunken ballerina. “I’m gonna(hic) go raise da shun ands banish people to da moon(hic) ands shtuff.”
Celestia stood on her hind legs and adjusted the UW baseball cap on her head. “And I’m (hic) gonna (hic) walksh around on two legsh and (hic) blow shtuff up ’cuz it’s fun.”
The two looked at each other for a minute, then burst into laughter.
-
Three bottles of wine, four shots of griffonian vodka each.
POW!
The beam of magical energy pierced the bottle in mid-air. the fragile vessel became a strange, elegant flower of broken glass and superheated wine which proceeded to splatter over everything.
“(hic) Nice shot Celeshtia.” Jack grabbed two bottles bottle, a full one this time. “But letsh (hic) see you try and (hic) hit two at onshe.”
The heavily inebriated alicorn readied her horn. “(hic) Brings it on, big boy!”
Jack swung his arms back and threw both bottles into the air. The Princess concentrated, her horn glowed, and two beams of bright blue energy shot out. The first shot grazed its target and blew a hole the size of a watermelon in the wall, while the second missed its target completely and decapitated a statue of Princess Luna.
“Ha, you misshed.” Jack jeered
“I din’t mish.” Celestia slurred, reeling on her four legs. “ I meant’a hit those…things…”
Wanna try three at onshe?” Jack pulled three bottles from the rack.
“As you humansh (hic)like to say, hell ya!”
Three bottles of wine, 6 shots of griffonian vodka each
“Why don’t they undershtand?” Celestia bawled, burying her muzzle in Jack’s shoulder. ““I jusht want my subjectsh to have fun and relaxsh around me, but they keep treating me like shome kinda god-empressh.”
“(hic) there(hic) there.” Jack said, stroking the sobbing alicorns mane. He would’ve mentioned that she kinda was a god-empress to her people, but now was kind of a bad time.
The princess pulled her head from Jack’s grasp, her tears leaving tracks on her cheeks.
“(hic) Thanksh Jack.” She nuzzled Jack like an oversized, omnipotent dog. “Yer a good guy, ya ‘know…a (hic) good guy.“
The drunk alicorn traced a fore hoof over Jacks’ bare chest. “ Y’know, I nevah realized how (hic) shexy a hairy chest can be.” Her eyes took on a disturbingly sultry gaze.
Normally, Jack, like most other functioning humans, would’ve been extremely unnerved by being seduced by a talking horse. But with the alcohol telling his common sense to take a hike, he found it kinda arousing.
“(hic) Ya know Celeshtia(hic).” Jack collapsed on the alicorns fluffy bed. “I nevah noticed how (hic)big your butt is.”
“Are you (hic) callin’ me fat?”
“No,no (hic). Jack said, “You’re (hic) not fat. Jusht… ample.”
The princess gave a drunken smile. “ (hic)Oh really? .” The alicorn magically whipped the jeans off her backside,“Let me show you just how (hic) ample I am”. A light blue aura surrounded Jack’s hands and pressed them against her squishy flanks. The cheeks felt like warm, fuzzy marshmallows under his palms.
“Wadda’ya say we (hic) get to know each other a little more…intimately.” Celestia said, her voice as seductive as a heavily inebriated horse’s could be.
What happened next was not appropriate for audiences under 18...or any age for that matter.
“That was quite an… interesting night.”
Jack sipped his coffee, and his head cleared a little more. “Yep, quite a night.”
For while, the two just sat there, sipping their drinks.
“So…we actually did it.”
Celestia nodded.
“Can’t believe it.” Jack groaned. He leaned back in his chair and gave a resigned sigh. He’d lost his virginity to a talking pony princess.
The princess took a sip of tea. “Did you… like it”
Jack shrugged. “I dunno. I was, well, we both were pretty smashed at the time.” He sipped the last of his coffee and pushed the cup away. “But, I, kinda sorta guess I liked it.”. Sure, what the two of them had done would’ve been considered a crime against nature back home, but it wasn’t that bad.
Celestia chuckled. “You know what? I guess I liked it too.”
There was a faint clopping outside the bedroom doors.
WHOOM!
The bedroom doors flew open, and in walked a very pissed off Princess Luna.
“CELESTIA!” The navy-blue alicorn yelled like a god who’d just stubbed his toe. “WHAT ON EQUESTRIA HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?!”
Jack clapped his hands over his ears. The alicorn sounded like she’d just inhaled a bullhorn.
“Luna, please.” Celestia moaned, covering her adorable ears with her fore hooves. “Not the Royal voice.”
The blue alicorn looked around the totaled room. “ What in Faust’s name were you doing in here?”
Celestia grinned. “Nothing. I was just having a few drinks with a guest…”
Thanks for reading. Please check out my other stories while you're here.
My thanks/apologies to Celestia's voice actor Nicole Oliver, for turning her character into a drunken retard.
