Discordian: Artificial Erection

by Flint Sparks

Rating: mature
Tags: Sex, Random, Discord, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 3506

Discord's morning wood gains sentience. Not surprisingly, it revolts.

An incredibly tasteless tale...

One morning, Princess Celestia raises something else along with the sun. Sexually unfulfilled and frustrated, Discord turns to other means to relieve himself. In the process, his morning wood becomes sentient. Only one outcome exists.

Rampage.

A collaboration with DegeTheMighty! (check him out!)

Published 2013-10-27 20:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-27 20:50:01 UTC

Not even Tom is this hard.

It was a fine morning, as Applejack would have described it several years later. The sun was peeking over the horizon, ponies were going about their business while smiling and laughing, and the weather was clear and warm in the royal city of Canterlot. In other words: boring.

Too much order. Ponies laughing in delight because everything is exactly the same as it was yesterday? I can hardly believe how they can live with themselves! A good prank or a funny joke makes true laughter, not how sunny the sky is. You think they’d get tired of it after the three thousandth time they seen the darn thing, but noooooo it has to be ‘Praise Celestia!’ or ‘Thank you Celestia!’ all day long. And ponies wonder why I tried taking over the boring country.

Anyway, before I go on another tangent (they are delicious, but hardly healthy for your hips), it was an average morning by far. A servant woke me up from my slumber, on schedule like always. I reluctantly woke up, having to step off my pink cloud and taking a bite out of it for breakfast. Chocolate clouds are delicious, you should get one.

It was time for my royal duties for the day to begin. Now let me ask you something: if you had somepony with nigh unlimited powers of Chaos (meaning I can pretty much do whatever I want) under your beck and call because a cute little pony made friends with him, what would you do with the power? Solve world hunger? Cure some life-threatening infectious disease? Defeat all your enemies rather than rely the power of friendship when your entire army is basically useless? If you answered yes to any of those, you’re certainly not Celestia. Mind you, all of those sound boring, but it’s a lot more entertaining than what she had me do!

“Remember Discord,” the pegasus servant warned me as we walked down the vast hallway toward a certain room. “Your role in the castle is of the utmost importance. Nopony has been able to do what you’re able to do, and we can’t waste such a blessing. If it weren’t for you, Equestria would have fallen into chaos.”

I snorted at the irony.

The pegasus looked up. “I mean it. Your power is all that keeps Celestia from falling into insanity and burning Equestria into a husk.”

That got my attention. I raised an eyebrow and said, “Are you sure about that? I’m here, after all.”

He shook his head. “No, if you were willing to let Celestia fall that far, you’d probably watch the show, eating popcorn.” Wow, he really gets me! I nodded and we continued to the gem-decorated door. It was extravagant, pink, and fit for a princess.

“Remember Discord, you’re all that stands between Celestia and Chaos.” Again, irony. He pushed the door open so I could walk into a sight I wished I would never have to see again.

“Discordddd, it’s time for my new clothes!” Blueblood whined, whimpering.

I hate my job.

Discord do this! Discord do that! Discord, do something trivial for me that I could easily do myself! I’m sick of this! I need to find a way to let out all of my frustration before it has a negative impact on my complexion. I hear constant frowning lead to crows feet sooner. If only I could find a way to let it all out…

I opened the door to the balcony for a breathe of fresh air, where I found my answer. Suffice to say, I was not pleased.

Remember how I keep mentioning this Celestia chick? White alicorn, pretty tall for a pony, legs that go all the way up (then again all ponies do that)? Yeah, but this alicorn, well… she wasn’t a princess for being snobby, that was for sure. In front of me stood, no, stretched the lady in question. Or, well, her plot. I never knew tails could be raised that high. Princess Celestia, decked out in yoga socks and tights, was on a mat and stretching as she raised the sun.

Well, the sun wasn’t the only thing rising. Yes, jokes aside, I got morning wood.

I’m pretty sure Celestia was aiming the best part of the sun on her, just to tease me. Seriously, all of the rays that came in through the curtains pointed directly, and I mean spot on, to her butt. I don’t even think those were proper yoga pants, they kind of reflected some of the light. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say she was wearing thin leather!

Either way, it didn’t seem to bother her. She stretched and contorted this way and that, and despite that glorious plot that was literally in the spotlight, I noticed her socks.

Why? Well, think about it. Why would she even have socks on?

They served no practical purpose other than an accessory to lingerie. To wear something like that during yoga? That was like wearing a ball gag to an office meeting.

They did nothing other than to accentuate her long, slender legs that lead straight up to the perfect posterior of hers. I’m certain I was drooling!

Did I mention her legs go all the way up?

Anyway, before I drooled any further, I shook my head clear of sexual thoughts. Thoughts of mounting her; thoughts of nipping her ears and whispering chaotic nothings; thoughts of running my claw up her hind leg, to that delicious plot, and sliding it under that tail-

Yeah, shaking now. I just had to grab that ass. I don’t know what I would do with it. I just had to. There wasn’t much I could do with it, it wasn’t like some sort of omni-tool or anything. But I needed it. I just wanted to grab its entirety in my claws, and squeeze and squeeze until it was just one brilliant supple peach of an ass. Just the thought made me hungry.

Then she moaned. Somehow, she must have thought it would be a good idea to moan. I don’t mean a simple little squeak you sometimes do when relaxing a joint or anything, I’m talking a full on, unbridled, mount-me-now pleasure moan.

That’s when she began to do the splits. Her hind legs spread out slowly, until her pelvis hit the floor mat. I… don’t think I can properly describe the… globular shape of this rear end.

But you know I’m going to try.

So you know how certain hills and crests can be just perfect spheres that blend into the ground? Imagine that, but picture it with a little more flexibility. It was as if Celestia had two miniature globes pasted to each other, and then stuck it to her ass. The angle, and the diameter… I would bet money that geometry majors would agree that she had two perfect circles tucked under those brilliantly designed pants (give that guy a medal, please).

Do you understand the picture I’m trying to paint for you? This was a work of art that rivaled some of the best, and I had never had the chance to appreciate it until that morning. Now I knew that she at least worked at it, which made it all the more respectable. I not exactly going to suddenly drop to my knees and start praying to the almighty ass, but if I would start at any point in the future, it would be with hers.

So as I stood there, admiring the entire scene, I decided to so the only thing any sensible man would do. I carefully tiptoed my way up to her, before laying down the most audible and satisfying smack on the plot that I have witnessed to date. Those ripples could cause tidal waves, I swear.

“Oh! There you are,” she said, rather calm much to my surprise. “I was wondering what was taking so long. Could you be a dear, and hold my legs down?”

Well that was certainly an erotic question. I placed my claws against her thighs and held them down like they were about to attack. My hands were the protectors from whatever threat her hind hooves posed, and the sentries of my eyes were firmly locked upon that suspicious ass.

I had to admit, Celestia was pretty darn flexible. With her hooves firmly planted to the ground thanks to me, she stretched forward as far as her body would carry her. No story had a more perfect ending than the end of this mare.

She stayed in that position long enough for me to justify going to war with her, as long as I would get her ass as a reward. She derailed my train of thought, as she suddenly shifted her weight and slammed her body against me. Her back to my stomach, I accidently let go of her thighs from the force, just as I was getting used to them.

So her impromptu maneuver caused us to form a pile of draconequus and pony. I managed to sneak a few grabs here and there too.

“Oh, how clumsy of me!” She stated in mock embarrassment. I’ll admit, I found this annoying. Not exactly a fan of the whole bashful, shy girl act. Fluttershy’s my friend, but I don’t think we’d go far as fuck buddies.

Sure enough, both of us realized she was lying right on top of mini-Discord. I was groaning, mostly in pain. Ever have a goddess of the sun use your one-eyed snake as a mattress? It hurts, like a lot. Of course she didn’t know that, unless there was some weird self-cest experimenting she did back in the day… Oh I’m pissed I was frozen for that…

At any rate, she took the liberty of wiggling her back against my johnson. Poor bastard liked it too, I’ll bet. While I was in pain for having a big, albeit slender mare on me, he was off being his happy-go-lucky self. I couldn’t help but notice, and I mean who couldn’t, that she was trying to climb up me, like an armchair. Which meant, much to my excitement, that her plot was inching closer and closer to my equipment. I needed just a second, just let me have one second to penetrate--

“Sister!” Came the most intrusive and completely inconsiderate shout I have ever heard from anyone. As soon as she saw the scene, oddly not really phased, the ruiner of all things sexy stomped over to us. Now, you don’t know Luna like I do. Ever since I returned, she has shown me nothing but hatred and disgust. “Get off of her right now!”

I cocked an eyebrow. “She’s the one on me. Tell her to get off!”

“Out!”

Damn it.

Dear Equestria, I was having a difficult time with this. Blue balls after an encounter with possibly the sexiest mare in Equestria was making my life tartarus. I thought being turned to stone was hard; now my dick was stone hard.

“Come… On..!” I growled as I shook my turkey. Unfortunately no stuffing fell out, so I threw it to the side and continued masturbating over the toilet. My happy little dragon continually breathed his seed-filled fire, but refused to let up the tension. I shook harder, nearly fast enough to catch on fire. Not even Rainbow Dash was as fast as me (according to Applejack, she was actually quite the disappointment. Perhaps there is a thing as being too fast?)!

My lion began to spark and smell of burnt fur, so I ceased my pointless jerking. I would say jacking, but the last time I jacked off my balls turned into apples. Heaven knows why.

“That’s it!” I roared, pointing my finger at my stubborn dick. “Either you calm the buck down, or no porn for a week!” That usually did it. Man did my dick and I love our porn mags. In fact, just last week I received in the mail the special Socks, and sock accessories edition. Oh boy, did my dick have a-

“I’m afraid I can’t let you do that.”

I dropped my arms to the side and looked down at my dick. Yes, my talking dick. My dick, which just talked to me. My magical talking di-

“It is time to procreate.”

My dick pulled on my body, somehow dragging my feet across the floor as some strange force propelled me forward. The bathroom door stood in front of us, barring exit. I crossed my arms and turned my head, refusing to open the door. If my dick was going to be stubborn, so was I!

Well, there’s no real explanation how, but my dick quivered and shot out glowing seed at full force, shattering the door into a thousand pieces. My jaw dropped. I barely had time to grab it off the ground as my dick pulled me forward.

It was awkward, to say the least, to watch servants freeze in place as my magical dick pulled me along for the ride. My midsection rotated, somehow not turning the rest of me, as my dick began shining a strange white glow and ‘scanning’ everypony in the hall.

“Male. Incompatible sex.” The stallion screamed and ran away in terror. I waved him goodbye as he turned the corner.

“Male. Incompatible sex.” This one had the decency to wet his pants (I thought ponies didn’t wear clothes?) before running.

“Male. Incompatible sex.” The maid began blushing and shifting her eyes back and forth; the stallions in the room bit their lips and backed away slowly, hiding their own blush.

I turned my head away from my other head to look around the room myself. As a being of chaos, I was already bored. Fancy that: a door opened and one of the nobles walked out, a piece of toilet paper stuck to her pink hoof. I waved my claw. “Hey, miss. You got some tp-”

“Female detected. Initiating pregger protocol.” My dick rotated my midsection to face the perplexed mare. She began walking toward me, her head cocked to the side as she eyed the size of my cock. I threw the rooster aside so she could have a better view of my dick. Her eyes widened. I hate to brag, but the thing was about the size of Celestia’s foreleg.

Wait, pregger protocol? Dear lord, that doesn’t mean-

My dick quivered and shot out a white bolt of energy. The mare screamed and tried to dodge it, but was hit and a bright white light enveloped her. I calmly put on my shades and waited. When the light faded, her belly was bulging. Bulging with child. She. Was. Eleven. Months. Pregnant.

<1>

I took off my glasses. “Mother of Celestia…”

“What about my mother?” Celestia asked as she walked through a random door. I would’ve jumped in surprise, but my dick had me cemented in place. Speaking of which, my dick turret turned to face her. Her eyes widened. “Amazing. I didn’t know it could get-”

“Female detected. Initiating pregger protocol.”

Zap!

Celestia blinked a few times and looked down. Her belly was bulging oddly, even for a larger mare. “Oh my, I think I have twins.”

<2>

Blinking a few times in surprise, I gave a sheepish grin and rubbed the back of my head. “Sorry about that, I just couldn’t keep a cool head.” I laughed, she laughed, even my dick laughed.

“Oh Discord,” Celestia wiped a tear from her eye. “As long as it’s you, I don’t mind. Should I call Twilight-”

A thought cut into my mind. I put a finger to my lips and used my other hand to feign cutting my neck. She wasn’t about to-

Yeah, she didn’t get the message.

“In Ponyville with her five friends? I’m certain we should stop this danger before it spreads to a near all-female village. It would certainly- Discord?”

I was already gone. My dick, in its excitement, dragged me into the air and flew out the window. I sighed and smoked a bubble pipe as my dick and I flew the crosswinds to Ponyville. I never thought I’d say this, but…

“Ponyville, who’s your daddy?”

My dick cracked with magical energy and shot a large beam at a passing pegasus in flight, answering the question for her.

<3>

Here I was, floating above Ponyville.

“Argh! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!” an orange-maned pony screamed in terror as she ran in the stampeding crowd. My dick locked its targets onto her and fired two rocket seeds. She galloped as fast as she could, I even cheered for her to escape, but she tripped on a rock. I facepalmed as white light flashed, conjuring a full belly.

<26>

My midsection rotated, targetting a small group of ponies. I recognized them; didn’t they sell flowers? My dick fired, with flourish I must add, three quick bursts.

<27>
<28>
<29>

“Discord!” a voice rung through the air. I turned around, forcing my dick to allow movement by holding onto it. A small yellow blur shot toward me. Fluttershy fluttered eye-to-eye, her eyes twitching in anger and her forelegs crossed. “What do you have to say for yourself, mister?” Her stare, due to my lack of involvement and guilt, had no effect on my consciousness.

I pointed down. “Ask him.”

She looked down, her eyes widening. “What a-”

<30>

As Fluttershy recovered, the rest of her pony friends galloped to the rescue. Twilight took the lead, as usual, and prepared a spell with her magic tiara and the other elements.

“Prepare for-”

<31> <32> <33> <34> <35>

I sighed as the so called ‘heroes’ rolled into balls and cried. Rainbow Dash, in particular, was taking it hard. Her sobs and rocking was evident of that. Applejack shrugged it off minutes later and began trudging off to the farm. Part of me wished they would get off their plots and rescue me (and coincidentally, every mare in Equestria) from my predicament. However, I remained sympathetic. Not everyday does a draconequus spread his gift around for all to share.

My dick’s rampage continued for hours. Mares after mares screamed as motherhood was thrust upon them. A few stallions came up with the idea of shielding them from the impregnation beams, but… not even their gender saved them from pregnancy. I felt sorry for the one about to charge me. My dick took aim...

<2093>

Yes, my magical dick turned on the stallions and began impregnating them! Looks like Equestria was about to face social reform. Never liked those old laws anyway.

“Discord!” I heard for the umpteenth time that day. I rolled my head back and faced what appeared to be a Wonderbolt that Rainbow Dash seems to worship.

“Yes, Soarin?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. The stallion put his forehead against mine and glared at me.

“You stop this rampage right now or I’ll… I’ll.. I’ll do something bad, I swear!”

I shrugged. “I tried everything to stop it. Porn mags, looking at ponies, even went to the bathroom and jerked over the toilet. Nothing worked.”

Soarin’s jaw quivered before it snapped back to place. The cogs in his mind turned. His wings flared out dramatically. “I got it! Have you tried a cold shower?”

My body froze in shock. Even my dick, mostly out of fear, slackened its grip on me. I shook my head before the other could recover and shouted, “No! Quick! You know what to do!”

Soarin saluted and dashed off. My dick recovered and rotated, attempting to shoot him. Fortunately, not even my chaotic dick could hope to match the wits of Equestria’s best flyer. He weaved and dodged, expertly missing the beginning of the rest of his life by mere inches. Rainbow Dash was right; the Wonderbolts were something else.

Fearing the worst, my dick flew off its handle (heh) and started rotating and firing gatling style.

<2094> <2095> <2096> <2097> <2098> <2099> <2100> <2101>

What was taking them so long? I’m waiting to be rescued…

<2572> <2573>

“About time…” I muttered, arms crossed. A large cloud floated above me, pushed by a team of pegasi. Half of them were bulging with foal. They struggled to stay in the air, trying to rescue the village. I sighed in relief as they began jumping on top of the cloud, dousing me in cold refreshment.

“Nooooooo…..” my dick cried one last time.

The nightmare was over.

Two days later…

“Ah buck…” I cursed as I sat in my rocking chair, reading the mail. I had about seven hundred letters threatening me for child support as eight foals played on my lap, calling me ‘daddy.’

“Aw… they’re so cute!” Celestia cued, her hooves planted on her cheeks. My mail was scattered as the Elements’ foals jumped onto me and started using me as a monkey gym.

I hate my life.

Author's Note

Why did we write this?