Shame and Desire

Twilight washed cold water over her face, then dried it with a towel. The words Luna spoke last night before putting her to bed kept boomeranging back into her skull.

Some foalhood trauma.

Twilight looked at herself in the mirror. Her eyes were less bloodshot. Her gaze was still unsteady, but steadier than it’d been in weeks.

One good nap plus one good night of sleep, tempered by one confusing piece of news.

She took a deep breath and thought back. Trauma. What kind of trauma? She didn’t have any trauma. Did she?

There was a tickle at the back of her mind at the question.

Twilight shook her head and worked on her mane. The brush caught on thin little tangles, but the washing had cleared most of them out. She’d been so gross before the shower, but now she was doing a lot better.

Wasn’t she?

Her eyes weren’t that bloodshot. She could think. She might not be able to sleep, but -- what was she going to do? Climb some psychological mountain of whatever, when she could just learn the sleep spell and . . .

She had too much to do. She had too much life going on. She had Spike and her friends. She had her research and an entire mystery to unravel with the box.

“Twilight?” Luna was knocking. “I thought perhaps we could speak over breakfast.”

“Of course, Pri -- Luna.” She cut off the title. Luna was emphatic about Twilight not using it, and wasn’t going to take no for an answer.

Twilight’s mane bore up to inspection in the mirror. Her eyes could use some drops, but she wasn’t going to rummage around in Luna’s bathroom cabinets. They were gorgeous, just like all the other furnishings, but Twilight was still convinced somehow that any looking around would be immediately caught and seen as snooping.

She had to try to follow Luna’s directions unless she couldn’t. She could trust Luna’s judgment, couldn’t she?

“Twilight?”

Twilight opened the door and took a hurried trot out of the bathroom. “Yes! Sorry. Sorry.”

Luna was sitting at the dark wooden table already, and shook her head. The cascade of shimmering mane shook in response, gleaming in the sunlight. “It’s all right. How are you feeling?”

“So much better.” Twilight found it easy to smile about this, unlike all the smiles she’d forced over the past few weeks. “So, so much better. Is there coffee?”

Luna ticked her head at the carafe with a stylized sun on it. “Tia prefers the stuff, so we code it. I know it’s also your frequent indulgence.”

“Not that I dislike tea, Luna.”

Luna nodded. “I know.”

“What’s our next step? Do -- “

“I’ll lay out what I believe our next steps should be, but please, don’t forget to eat? You’ve lost so much weight in the past few weeks.”

“Is -- “

“It is visible, Twilight, and it is worrying. Please.” Luna held up a cinnamon bun, honey glaze gleaming in the sunlight.

Twilight took it in her magic and took a bite. Tender overall, a little flaky on the bottom, sweet sugary cinnamon tucked between layers, and the sweet was present without being overwhelming.

“There’s a mushroom and cheese omelette, too. I know that is your favorite.” Luna’s hoof pushed a plate a few inches away, a plate that suggested Luna’s breakfast had come and gone already.

Twilight smiled, until a thought caught in her throat. This is too good. This can’t be real.

Luna’s brow furrowed. “Is it not your favorite? I thought -- “

“Tell me this is real. Tell me this is real, Luna. Please.” The warmth of the sun seemed to threaten to burn, the sweet seemed to overpower her tongue. The scent of the omelette drew her attention but even that potentially heralded --

“Twilight!”

“Yes! I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” She chewed her lip.

“It’s all right. This is reality. This is not a dream. If it were a dream, I’d wake you. I am aware that the breakfast is decadent, but it’s not unreal. Also, a sense of time should return to you soon.” Luna smiled.

“Thank you. This is just -- it’s the best morning I’ve had in a long time.” Twilight took a forkful of omelette. It was, of course, delicious -- sharp Manehattan cheddar for flavor combined with baby provolone from Roam, and fresh portobello mushrooms in both slice and julienne.

Luna sipped tea. “It’s good to see you like this, Twilight. It was distressing to see you so . . . upset.”

“I’m sorry it was distressing. If I could make it go away, I would.” Twilight was barely able to keep from talking with her mouth full. If she’d been at Hay Burger it wouldn’t have mattered, but with Luna across the table she had to make some effort at manners.

“Do you mean that? I wasn’t lying last night, Twilight. This will be a process of years, of looking at your past and your future, and it may be a long time before you feel complete.”

“What do you mean by ‘complete’? Won’t I ever be able to sleep without nightmares?”

“Twilight, I assure you, that is not what I mean. I mean . . . “ She hesitated. “Have you ever repaired a teacup handle?”

Twilight nodded. “Yes. I use Melancholy’s Mending, the one named after Starswirl’s mentor.”

“That’s the spell. It leaves the outside unblemished. Have you ever broken a repaired teacup?”

“I’m a little klutzy sometimes, so, I’m sure I have. Why?” Twilight’s eyes cast at her plate -- no omelette left. She picked up the cinnamon bun and took a bite.

“When a mending is done, the spell creates a web of matter similar to the original matter to bridge gaps between pieces. Then, it solidifies and shrinks that web. Afterwards, the mended spot is knotted of stronger matter than the rest of the cup. Now, have you ever tried Melancholy’s Mending on a teacup when you didn’t have all the pieces?”

Twilight stared at her plate. “Yes, I have. It didn’t go well. The spell tried to smooth it over but it was very brittle. I knew Mom was going to notice, so I tried -- “

“You tried to make a new teacup from a fragment, didn’t you?” Luna’s expression was wry.

“Yes. It was like a changeling teacup or something, shot through with holes and it withered to dust almost immediately.”

“I did the same as a foal, once.”

“Why are you asking about the teacup?” Twilight drained the last of her coffee. The clock on the wall said an hour had passed, or thereabouts.

“You are, in a sense, like the teacup. What happened to you, whatever it was, is irrevocable. We can only mend you. If we collect up the pieces first, you’ll come out of this stronger. If we miss important parts, then you may come out much worse off.” Luna’s brow knit.

“Isn’t this a terrible risk, then? Shouldn’t we just keep to maintaining my sleep and try to -- “

“No.” The word was like it had looped through a megaphone five times. Luna looked away, and her voice was normal as she continued. “Twilight, I’m sorry. But the potential consequences of simply ignoring this problem are . . . they are beyond catastrophe, I assure you.”

“What do you mean? You hinted at this last night but I was too tired to pursue it. ‘Beyond catastrophe’ can’t possibly be worse than what the Bearers and I have seen already.”

Luna’s eye narrowed. “If I told you it could be, would you be satisfied with that?”

Twilight blinked. That eye was the same eye she’d seen last night, in the moments of talk of murderous urges and millennial banishment. A chill pulsed through Twilight’s spine and she realized she had shifted backwards a little in her chair.

Luna’s gaze cast away. “I am not trying to frighten you, Twilight. I am simply saying that you should be scared. I, too, had a seed of something destructive deep in my psyche and I let it go. You know what consequences there were.”

“Y-Yes. I know. I couldn’t forget.” Nightmare Moon was fresh in her mind, especially after seeing that gleam in Luna’s eye again.

“If I told you yours would be worse, could you trust me that I might be correct?”

Twilight swallowed. “With all respect, Luna, I’m not sure.”

Luna’s smile returned, and with it her brow relaxed. “Honest answers are the best, I find. I can understand that such a thing might be hard to imagine. We may be able to look at the potential of repression over time, but I think today is not the day for that.”

Twilight felt muscles relax that she wasn’t aware were tensed. “What is today for?”

“Today is for a gentle new beginning, Twilight. I can guide dreams at a distance when I need to, and while you lack a baseline for ‘normal sexual activity’ -- truly a misnomer if there ever was one -- I see the unconscious of all of equinity. I know the darkest corners and the lightest clouds, and we can find something in your dreams more comforting.”

Twilight bit her lip. “Are you suggesting I dream on purpose?”

“I am, but I will be sensing your state and trying to guide you towards less violent or nonconsensual imagery. I will be able to interrupt your dream and I will be able to watch for any bodily reactions -- thrashing, crying, etc. -- that might signal distress.”

Twilight gaped. “But then if something -- “

Luna held up a hoof. “Twilight, I realize this is something you find embarrassing, but think of a doctor’s visit for a moment. You are ill, and while I am not a doctor, I believe I am qualified to counsel you as a friend, and as guardian of dreams.”

Twilight felt warmth on her face. “It’s just . . . it’s humiliating to think about. I guess I shouldn’t think about it.”

Luna nodded. “I understand. If you don’t wish to try, that’s all right too. We can do this tomorrow, or at whatever pace you need.”

Twilight let a breath out. Tomorrow. Tomorrow would be better, wouldn’t it? She could spend today . . . oh, Celestia. She’d spend twenty four hours obsessing about this.

“No. No, let’s try today. I want to make progress. I want to find some way towards real relief.”

“Are you certain? Twilight, I realize you’re in a fragile state and I do not wish to rush you -- “

“I’m sure. I’m completely certain. Let’s tear this off like a bandage. Let’s just make it happen. Can a nap work for this?”

“A nap was what I was going to suggest, actually. I can foster you into sleep, and then into a dream state. Would you allow me to do this?”

Twilight took a deep breath. “Yes. I can handle it. I need to make progress.”

“Twilight, please. Be gentle with yourself. This isn’t reading a book. This isn’t running a race. This is complicated work and progress may be slow or even invisible at times. The fact we’re facing this is a huge step, and I’m proud of you for making it.”

“I just want this to all be over. But I’ll do what I can, Luna.” She’d said she was proud of Twilight -- why? If anything, Twilight had just failed harder in the past month than ever. Hadn’t she?

“Thank you. I will take care of you as much as I can, but you also have to take care of yourself in the absence of others, for their sake if not for your own.”

“I -- whoooaaaaa!” Twilight broke into a squeal as she was lifted up in shimmering magic.

“Let me. You’re still regaining your strength, and today may well be taxing as well. You have a lot of sleep to catch up on.”

Twilight was settled onto the bed, the perfume and spice scent enveloping her again as it had done during her nap and sleep yesterday. “I could have done it.”

“Twilight, please, allow me to take care of you. I’m worried about you, and so is Tia.”

Twilight nodded. “Okay. Just two hours, right?”

“Yes. Potentially even less. The dreaming will end if there is severe distress.”

“But something sexual will happen?”

“It may. My focus will be on your calm, if it can be maintained. The sexual content will be a secondary concern.”

See? There might not be anything. It might just be a nice dream. “Okay. Okay. I’m ready.” Twilight let herself settle into the pillowy bedding.

She shut her eyes.

* * *

Twilight opened her eyes.

She was in a shimmering field of magic, being carried through a hall of stone. It was the castle, but where was she going?

“Twi? I’m so sorry. I tried not to wake you.” Celestia was behind the levitation field, biting her lip. “There was a problem with the dream spell. Luna isn’t well at the moment.”

“What happened? I don’t remember anything.”

“Nobody’s hurt, Twilight. There was a feedback reaction. Everyone will be fine.” Celestia’s nose wrinkled and she gave a little smirk.

“Why?” Twilight couldn’t break the sense of feeling small in her mentor’s own magic. “Sorry. I guess you’re going to tell me.”

“I think it’s for her to tell, Twilight. But we’re here now, and we shouldn’t talk.”

“Why shouldn’t -- “

Celestia’s hoof rested over Twilight’s lips. “Shhh. It’s okay.”

Twilight blinked. She couldn’t find words, couldn’t even think properly, after that touch. Celestia had shushed her any number of times, but this looked and felt different. Wrong? Possibly wrong.

Something. Celestia’s eyes were wrong. They were the right color -- maybe, somehow Twilight wasn’t sure -- but maybe they weren’t.

A door opened and snapped Twilight’s attention forward. She was carried through into a bathroom, one with dusty wood walls and a sink and a mop in a bucket.

There was a large wooden tub in one corner.

“Princess?” Twilight stared at the tub. It was already full, with faint steam lifting off a thick blanket of soap suds.

“Shhh.” The voice was different, still a mare’s voice but different and absolutely not Celestia’s. It wasn’t one she could place. It had authority. It had something.

Twilight couldn’t turn her head. If she did, she could still try to imagine it was going to be Celestia, somehow. She wasn’t being held, but she couldn’t look, she just couldn’t.

Slowly, the magical field lowered her into the water and then dissipated.

“It’s all right, Twilight. I know you’re a good girl.”

“Help.” Twilight spoke the word and her voice wasn’t the same either. Softer. Weaker.

Soft. Weak. Oh, Celestia, I’m a foal.

“I’ll help you, little filly. Don’t worry. I’m a very good teacher.” A hoof stroked Twilight’s mane, the tips of which were sudsy and warm against Twilight’s neck. The hoof shifted to Twilight’s neck.

“What did I do?”

“You didn’t do anything wrong, sweetie.” A mare pressed a kiss to Twilight’s neck, and a shudder pulsed through Twilight’s body. “You’re a growing filly, practically a young mare already.”

“No.”

“Yes, you are. And I saw how you were looking at me, Twilight. It’s all right. Sometimes mares like other mares.” Another kiss, another. They moved slowly to the back of Twilight’s neck. “I can show you. I can help you.”

“Help. Please. Please help.” Twilight had no idea who she was asking for help -- Luna? Luna’s still Nightmare Moon, if I’m a filly -- and thoughts seemed to be shutting themselves down, bit by bit. The mare was going to do what she was going to do. Nopony was going to help. Twilight just had to breathe and get through it.

The window.

There was a window in front of her, one she didn’t see before. It must have been there before, though. She could see her classmates playing outside, and she couldn’t see anybody else, so must have been asking them for help.

A few of them looked at her and smiled now and then, but they shook their heads.

The tub’s water level shifted upwards as the mare got in the tub with her. Somehow, it was larger now -- or perhaps Twilight was simply getting smaller. She couldn’t know. Her classmates seemed to be smaller, too, but Twilight knew it was because they were further away, far away now. They’d never be near her again.

The warm body behind her shifted. Soft somethings wrapped around Twilight. Not hooves, not forelegs, but -- no. Wings. There were large, downy, feathery, peach colored wings, contrasted against the white soapy sea of the bathtub.

This has to be a dream. Celestia wasn’t a disgusting shapeshifting predatory bathroom -- whatever was happening here-ist. She wasn’t like this. Was she? Twilight shut her eyes against bright sunlight and the other students outside. They could see her, she was sure, and the evidence made her want to die.

“Shhh, little filly. It’s okay. I’ve got you. There’s nothing wrong with you.”

No. She didn’t want to die. She was dying, somehow, some way. This couldn’t be. The warmth between Twilight’s hind legs said the mare was lying. Twilight shook her head. “Something’s wrong. Wrong.”

The voice behind her was warm breath on wet fur. “No, Twi. Nothing’s wrong. You’re growing up and that’s okay. Don’t let any of the mares tease you about it if you like other mares.” The words were soothing, cloying,

“I d-don’t, I don’t like other mares, I don’t like any of this, I don’t like you and -- “

* * *

Twilight loosed a scream as she clamped her hooves on the edge of the tub, which became the bed just as suddenly. She couldn’t stop herself shaking.

“Twilight?” Luna’s brow was furrowed, her lips were tight, and she wouldn’t take her eyes off Twilight. “It’s been less than an hour. I sensed extreme distress.”

"Something was wrong. Something wrong." Remember. Remember and tell the dream. You’ll forget. The prospect of losing progress spurred words. “I had a dream where I was a foal and Celestia was there, and then she wasn’t, but there was someone with wings, a peach pegasus, and -- “

“Breathe, Twilight. Pause. Take a deep breath, then tell me.”

Twilight dragged breath into her lungs and let it out. “Celestia was carrying me in her magic, and then she wasn’t, and we were in a bathroom that isn’t even in the castle, and there was a bathtub . . . “ Twilight trailed off.

“A bathtub? Curious. Twilight, do you often take baths?”

“No. I mean, I take one twice a week. It’s not like I take them a lot.”

“Have you ever taken a bath with someone you were close with?”

Twilight’s mouth opened, then closed. Something was supposed to come out, right?

“A coltfriend? A marefriend? I honestly don’t know much about your relationship history, Twilight.”

It took another second or two before Twilight could push it out. “No. No colts, no mares. I never had any relationship. There isn’t a history.” It felt normal until she said it out loud, and then it was like a glaring light in her face.

“That’s all right, Twilight. You were focused on other things, and that’s all right.” Luna tilted her head. “Has anypony ever touched you without your permission? In . . . intimate places?”

Peach wings. “In the dream, there were wings. There were wings wrapped around me in the tub. There was a mare. She was behind me. She was . . . she was kissing.”

Luna’s brow quirked. “Kissing?”

“She was kissing the back of my neck. It felt weird.”

“How old were you? It’s a natural equine reaction to touch stimulus, to have feelings. Even weird ones.” Luna’s lips tightened.

“I don’t know how old I was. The tub seemed so huge. She was going to wash me. She was going to wash me all over, I know it.”

“All over? How do you know that, Twilight?”

“B-Because washing a certain way down there makes -- “ Twilight shuddered and shifted in the bed. All too many times she’d washed herself and washed away the sensations that were now developing again. “It makes the feelings go away. The weird ones. The kind I was getting.”

“Did she say she was going to do that?”

“I don’t even know. It was a dream. It wasn’t even real.”

“I understand that, but it was about sex, at least to you. Perhaps only to foalhood you, but still.” Luna sighed.

“So what does that mean?”

Luna shook her head. “Dreams frequently don’t mean anything by themselves. We need context, and we need to see patterns. Have you ever known any pegasus mares with peach coats?”

Twilight rubbed her face. “I don’t remember any.”

Luna tilted her head. “Perhaps your parents would know for certain?”

“I could write and ask them. They’ll want to know why, though.”

“It might not mean anything. Tell them it’s just curiosity for now, until we have something a little more concrete to go on. I’ll follow some research I think may bear fruit.”

Twilight nodded. As much as she wanted this to be over, and as much as she wanted to try to work to that goal, she was happy someone more qualified was doing any form of ‘research’ related to this. “Thank you. What should I do?”

“You should sleep. I was not joking when I said you have a lot of sleep to catch up on.” Luna smiled. “It is nice to be able to take care of somepony, I must admit.”

Twilight realized Luna’s hoof was on her own, and she set her other forehoof over Luna’s. “I miss Spike, but . . . it’s also pretty nice to be taken care of.”

Luna’s smile softened. “I will research in the Royal Archives. My staff will bring you lunch, or really any food you need. Please, feel free to take a look at my library to pass the time.”

“And when I need . . . sleep? You won’t be here.”

“Now that the cycle of exhaustion and nightmares is broken, I hope we have bought ourselves slack in the rope, so to speak. If you can achieve natural sleep, that would be for the best.”

Twilight swallowed, her throat feeling knotted. “Will you know when I sleep?”

Luna smoothed her mane idly, nodding. “I’ll know when you sleep, and I can reach you in your dreams if anything upsets you.”

Twilight nodded. Something washed through her, something more than relief. She wasn’t just being taken care of. She knew it’d be okay. Even if it wouldn’t be, the feeling was valuable enough that she didn’t want to start thinking at it, start dismantling it and find faults with it. She just wanted to lay in it for now and let it soak in.

Maybe, just maybe, things could actually turn out all right in the end.