A Nice Cup of Tea

by Mannulus

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Celestia, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Adventure, Derpy Hooves
Length: 10272

Derpy has to make a special delivery to Princess Celestia. Little does she know that before it's over with, she'll run afoul of pirates, question her own conscience, and even sit down to a nice cup of tea.

Derpy finds herself tasked with a strange mission: deliver an enchanted artifact to the leader of a band of pirates so that they can be tracked and brought to justice. What she doesn't see coming is the fact that Captain Magenta-with-a-Saffron-Stripe-Beard might not be quite the pony she had anticipated. It's amazing what you can learn about a pony over a cup of steaming tea and a little mortal peril.

The second iteration of "The Misadventures of Derpy Hooves."

Cover art by Tarantad0 of deviantART.
Click the source link to see the original, and don't forget to leave a favorite!

Published 2013-10-23 19:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-23 19:00:02 UTC

Evil Eyeliner

A Nice Cup of Tea

A Misadventure of Derpy Hooves

By Mannulus

Chapter 1: Evil Eyeliner

Boxxy Brown sat at his desk, tapping his hoof impatiently on its weathered surface. He sipped at his coffee, and growled in his throat, his face fixed in an ugly scowl. He was staring at the clock on the wall of his office. He sat that way for several minutes, until the clock read 8:14.

With another growl, he stood, and stepped to the window.

“Right on schedule,” he said.

He lifted the window open, and stepped to the side.

A gray and yellow blur hurtled in through the open window, and slammed itself onto an old, plaid sofa he had placed across the room years ago for this exact purpose.

“Morning, Derpy,” he grumbled.

“Morning, Boxxy,” said the mare, upside-down, with her head at an uncomfortable-looking angle. One of her saddlebags popped open, and several muffins spilled out of it. She fumbled after them with her hooves, but a couple landed on the floor, nonetheless.

“Aw,” she whined. “I was gonna have those two with lunch.”

“You were gonna have half a dozen others with lunch, too,” said Boxxy. “Get over it.”

“But still,” sighed Derpy. “I was looking forward to that.”

“I'm sure,” said Boxxy.

“I'm sorry for being late... again,” said Derpy.

“Save it,” said Boxxy. “Got a special job for you, today, and I don't wanna hear any ifs, ands, or buts.”

Derpy righted herself, and looked at the big stallion curiously.

“Special job?”

“We've got a package that needs to go to Canterlot, and the train got out of the station before I could get it on the mail car.”

“Well, can't you just set it aside until tomorrow?” asked Derpy.

“It's for Princess Celestia,” said Boxxy.

“Oh,” said Derpy, then her head dropped. “Oh, no.”

“What's your problem?” asked Boxxy.

“Special deliveries just... make me nervous,” said Derpy. “Don't ask.”

“Wasn't planning on it,” said Boxxy.

He walked over to his desk and nudged a small, oblong brown box that sat on top of it.

“This is gonna be so simple even you can't screw it up,” he said. “Take it to the castle, have security check you in, and leave it with her Chief Aid, Raven. No muss. No fuss.”

“Well that sounds easy!” said Derpy, cheerfully.

She hopped to her hooves, and slid the box into her delivery bag.

“Do I get overtime pay?” she asked. “It'll be pretty late tonight before I'm back.”

“Sure, whatever,” said Boxxy. “Just get this right. A mistake on something like this makes the whole operation look bad.”

“Yessiree!” said Derpy, and out the door she went.

***

After a quick stop by Rose's flower stand to arrange for the earth pony to watch her daughter after she was done with school for the day, Derpy winged her way towards Canterlot. Given her past history with special deliveries, a sordid tale involving everything from dragons to parasprites to mad unicorn scientists, Derpy found the flight downright pleasant. Nothing tried to eat her. Nothing tried to steal her muffins. She even got to stop and have a nice, peaceful lunch in a meadow below Canterlot. A half hour's worth of updrafts later, and she gently sat her hooves on the cobblestone pavement of Canterlot's West End.

“Wow, this place is pretty,” she said, looking around at the tall, elegant buildings and the silhouette of the palace in the distance. “I've gotta bring Dinky here on a day trip, some time.”

She couldn't fly directly to the castle. Ever since the changeling attack, the area for one mile around it had been designated a no-fly zone. Still, she didn't mind. It made for a nice walk, especially in the late afternoon sun of early autumn.

As she approached the lowered drawbridge of the castle gate, a guard called down to her from one of the towers immediately adjacent the gatehouse.

“State your business!”

“Equestrian Parcel Service!” shouted Derpy. “I have a package for Princess Celestia!”

“You'll have to be cleared with Security!” came his response, “but go ahead and cross.”

Derpy trotted across the drawbridge. She had never seen the inside of the castle grounds before, and the prospect excited her.

A pair of guards stopped her.

“Credentials?” asked one of them, a big, black unicorn.

“Uh, the bags?” said Derpy.

The other guard, this one a white pegasus, nudged his compatriot.

“Come on,” he said. “Nopony but the EPS has those brown bags, and does she really look dangerous?”

The other guard looked at the little mare's slightly timid, wall-eyed stare, and shrugged.

“Yeah, you're right,” he said. “Just one second.”

He pointed his horn at the brown bags. Both it and the bags glowed for a moment.

“No bombs, no black magic, no potions, no cameras, and no weapons that I can pick up on,” said the black unicorn, “but I get the weirdest craving for, like... scones, or something like that.”

“Imagine that,” said Derpy, blushing slightly.

“Whatever,” said the guard. “Go on in.”

Derpy nodded cheerily at the guard, and continued past the gate.

“First security checkpoint passed,” she said. “This is gonna be an easy day, after all.”

She approached a second large gate, this one the main gate of the castle keep. Two more unicorn guards awaited her.

“Name and business,” said one of them.

“Wow, security's really tight around here,” said Derpy.

The other unicorn, who was leaning lazily against he wall, gave a yawn.

“She's EPS,” he said. “It's just a package. They scanned her at the gate. Weren't you watching?”

“Well, you can't be too careful,” said the other guard. “You remember a couple of years ago when they found evidence that someone had broken into the Archives in the middle of the night? And that was with full patrols, and everything!”

“Yeah, I know,” replied the lazy guard. “Poor archivists will still have a breakdown if you ask 'em if they ever figured out what the guy stole. Wouldn't it be funny if he didn't actually take anything?” He snickered. “Guess we'll never know; go on in.”

Derpy gave another smile and another nod, and walked through the door.

A small desk sat just inside. A golden nameplate sitting on top of it read “RAVEN, Chief Aid to Princess Celestia.” The desk, itself, however, was vacant. Derpy looked around, and sighed.

“Knew it couldn't be that easy,” she said.

A guard standing by the main stairwell, walked over.

“She's only there in the mornings. Princess Celestia is holding court at the moment, so Raven will be in the throne room.”

“Oh,” said Derpy. “Will they even let me in there?”

“If you have legitimate business,” shrugged the guard.

“Well, it's a package addressed directly to the Princess,” said Derpy.

“Probably counts,” said the guard. “Just wait in line like everypony else. It's up the stairs. Just follow the big, red carpet.”

“Thanks!” said Derpy. “Everypony's being so nice to me, today.”

“Well, you gotta let EPS do your thing, or the whole country would shut down,” said the guard, and he returned to his post.

Derpy glided up the stairs, and followed the carpet, as instructed. When she came to the door of the throne room, she was surprised to find it open. There was nopony inside but the guards – not even the Princess, or the elusive Raven.

“Hello, o, o, o, o,” her voiced echoed in the huge hall.

Every guard's head turned towards her.

“Wow this place is echoey,” she whispered to herself.

“I have a package for the Princess,” she said. “I just need to give it to Raven, if anyone can point me towards her. It has to go directly into her hooves, and I have to get a signature.”

“Oh, no problem,” said a nearby guard. “They're in the war room, at the moment. Follow me.”

He led Derpy back out of the throne room, down a long hall with several large, stained-glass windows, all of which bore mosaics depicting various important events in Equestrian history.

“I've always wanted to see this,” she said.

“Ah, it gets old after awhile,” said the guard, “but seeing somepony else looking at it for the first time always reminds me how impressive it really is. I mean, look at you; it's sending you cross-eyed.”

"Uh, yeah," said Derpy, coolly. "That's what's doing it."

He led her down a nearby flight of stairs, and down another small corridor.

“Here we are,” he said finally, and he knocked on the door.

“Who is it?” came a gruff, male voice from inside.

“Equestrian Parcel Service!” said the guard. “There's a package for the Princess."

“Oh, thank goodness,” said a female voice. “Let them in!”

The door opened, and Derpy stepped inside.

She was shocked to see Princess Celestia, the missing aid, Raven, and a third pony, a big, black stallion with a scarred face wearing a military dress uniform.

Derpy gave a quick, nervous bow, and then fumbled in her delivery bag, quickly producing the package.

“Ah,” said Celestia. “My eyeliner.”

“Really? Eyeliner?” grumbled the stallion to whom she had been speaking.

“My eyes are the size of cantaloupes,” said Celestia. “I have to get my eyeliner pencils custom made, and I don't trust anypony to get it right but this one particular unicorn that lives in Ponyville. Rarity? You may have heard of her. She helped save the world about three or four times, now.”

Yeah, and she gets me in more trouble, thought Derpy.

Celestia levitated the package out of Derpy's grasp, and sat it on a big, square table in the center of the room. There was a huge map of Equestria spread out over the table, with tiny models of airships clustered around an area just north of Baltimare Harbor.

“How did you even get in here?” asked the mean-looking stallion.

“I'm EPS,” said Derpy, sheepishly. “They just sort of... let me in.”

“I'll have to have a talk with the guards about that,” said the square-jawed, black pony.

The big stallion huffed.

“At any rate, thank you,” said Celestia. Then, she noticed Derpy fishing out her clipboard.

“Oh,” she said. “Silly me. Raven, could you sign that, please?”

She turned back to the big military stallion as Raven approached Derpy, and levitated the clipboard out of her teeth.

“Just sign here, here, here...” Derpy began, listening with one ear to Celestia's conversation as she indicated each spot where Raven needed to leave a signature.

“As I was saying” said the big stallion, “we've tracked the pirates to this small, natural harbor just north of Baltimare, -- a cove, one might even say -- but a frontal assault won't do us any good. We've thought we had them pinned down before, but every time we get there, they're just gone, somehow. We think they're using some kind of magic to detect the fleet's approach.”

“and here... and right here. Twice here.” Raven obediently continued to sign the documents, and Derpy continued to listen, too curious for her own good, as usual.

“We've tried commando tactics,” said the big stallion, “but they picked up on those, too. By the time the team gets in, they're just not there, anymore. Whoever's at the head of this operation, they've got some kind of really powerful scrying magic on their side; that's for sure.”

“I see,” said Celestia.”

“Once on each line on this page, and we'll need your father's bachelor name right here,” said Derpy, still listening.

“It's almost like we'd have to walk right up to the door in plain sight, and just ask politely for them to let us in,” said Celestia, “but how could we ever...”

She stopped mid-sentence, and turned her head towards Derpy.

“You.”

“Did I do something wrong?” asked Derpy, then she quickly turned her head towards Raven. “Backwards there – in print. Middle initial right next to that asterisk.”

“You say they just let you in here?” asked the big stallion.

“Well, why wouldn't they?” asked Celestia. “She's not exactly threatening, and she's got the bags.”

The stallion's eyes narrowed.

“No, not threatening at all, is she? And she has the bags.”

Derpy gulped.

“Signoncemoreonthatlastpage,Ms.Raven,andI'lljustbeonmyway.”

Raven had barely finished signing the paper before Derpy took the clipboard, and stuffed it back into her bag.

“Have a lovely evening, Your Highness.” She gave a quick bow, and turned for the door.

“WAIT!” said Celestia and the stallion in perfect unison.

Derpy froze midstep.

“I hate my job,” she mumbled through gritted teeth.

Celestia stepped around the table slowly, accompanied by the big, black unicorn.

“How would you like to do your country a great service, Ms...?

“Hooves,” sighed Derpy. “Derpy Hooves.”

“Derpy,” smiled Celestia, and something in her tone reassured the pegasus. “That's a nice name; plain and well-meaning.”

Derpy whimpered. She was a klutz, and a bit slow on the uptake, but even she could see where this was going.

“This is Brainwash,” said Celestia, indicating the big stallion, “my chief intelligence officer.”

“Hi,” whimpered Derpy, noticing that his cutie mark was, in fact, an actual brain surrounded by soapsuds.

The stallion nodded, and cleared his throat.

“Do you read the newspaper, Ms. Hooves?” asked Celestia.

“Not really,” said Derpy.

“Then you wouldn't know,” said Brainwash. “There's been a rash of piracy off the east coast for the last six months. The attacks are all perpetrated by an unusual warship. It's bright red, and appears to be an obsolete Trottingham model used during the griffon war.”

“No jolly roger?” asked Derpy.

“That too,” said Celestia, “but you know; pirates.”

“Of course,” said Derpy.

“Their captain calls himself Magenta-with-a-Saffron-Stripe-Beard,” said Celestia, “but that's obviously an alias.”

“I bet his beard isn't even that color,” said Derpy.

“It would be ingenious,” said Raven, her voice devoid of all inflection.

“A pegasus patrol followed them to an area north of Baltimare after their last attack,” said Brainwash, “but they disappeared into a fog bank that seemed to come out of nowhere. There's only one place in that area where an airship of the size they're using could possibly be anchored, a natural harbor with a high mountain range around it just north of the area where they disappeared.”

“If we send a fleet to chase after them,” said Celestia, “They'll just be gone by the time it gets there, like before.”

“And if we send in a commando force of some kind,” said Brainwash, “They'll be just as gone.”

“But if we sent them a package,” said Celestia, “a special delivery for Magenta-with-a-Saffron-Stripe-Beard, himself, maybe, just maybe, they wouldn't see it coming.”

“Oh, come now,” said Derpy, “What makes you think that?”

“Scrying magic of this kind responds to a perceived threat,” said Brainwash, “We need somepony who would appear totally nonthreatening to go in completely unarmed with a legitimate reason to be there – or at least what appeared to be a legitimate reason. It would have to be so convincing that not even magic could detect it.”

“A real agent of a real organization on a real delivery,” said Celestia.

“Me,” sighed Derpy.

“You,” smiled Celestia.

“I can't do this,” said Derpy. “I have a daughter back in Ponyville. She's just a little unicorn filly, and her father's gone, and...”

“Unicorn?” said Celestia, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes," said Derpy. "Her father is... was a unicorn, so..."

Celestia's eyes shifted, and she gnawed at her lower lip in thought. After a minute, she spoke.

“How would you like your daughter to get the best education she could possibly receive?” she asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Complete scholarship to my School for Gifted Unicorns,” said Celestia. “Automatic admission by my order, with no entrance examination.”

“She could pass it if you gave it to her,” said Derpy, proudly. “She was the first one in her class to figure out telekinesis, and she can already cast light spells.”

“All the better,” smiled Celestia.

“I don't know,” said Derpy. “I don't wanna kill anypony. I'm not gonna take a bomb or anything like...”

“Not a bomb,” said Celestia. “A tracking device – just so we can find them.”

Derpy felt her knees going weak. She swallowed, but her mouth had gone dry.

“I don't have to hurt anypony?”

“Nopony,” said Celestia. “You have my word.”

“All I have to do is deliver a package?”

“That's all,” said Brainwash, trying to be reassuring.

“What if something happens to me?” asked Derpy.

“The deal stands,” said Celestia. “Your daughter gets a complete scholarship – and room and board.”

“But she'll never know what...” said Derpy.

“I'll tell her when she's old enough,” said Celestia, then she knelt down, and brought her eyes level with those of the pegasus.

Without Derpy's full knowledge, her own eyes aligned to look into those of the Princess.

Evil eyeliner, she thought. This is all your fault.

“Please, Derpy,” said Celestia. “They're doing terrible things. They're preying on cargo ships, passenger ships, anything that comes their way.”

“All I wanted to do was deliver a package,” whined Derpy quietly. “A few hours overtime, and an easy day.”

“I'm not going to make you do this if you don't want to,” said Celestia, “but I don't have anypony else who can. Everypony else at my disposal is a trained military operative. That scrying spell will light up like a carnival if they come within twenty miles of that harbor.

“Can't you find someone else?” asked Derpy.

“You've got the bags,” said Celestia.

"You can have 'em!" said Derpy. "Won't be the first time I've lost them!"

"What I mean is that you really are what you appear to be. The magic will look for illusions and deception. You can just go as Derpy Hooves, and it might not notice you at all. I can't buy that, train it, or order anypony else to be it. I need you."

Derpy thought of the situation; of what she was allowing to happen if she didn't go, and of what it would mean for Dinky if she did. She heard herself speak, but she didn't want to believe what came out.

“Okay.”

Author's Note

So, here we are! The second installment of a series I honestly thought I'd never continue. What can I say? I got bored.

Keep in mind, the Derpy I'm imagining here is more of a well-meaning klutz than a total moron. Catastrophic stupidity is fun to write, sometimes, (and believe me, there's some of that coming later in this story) but I wanted the character to be relateable.

Can't promise this will be the best fic I've ever written, and I honestly like "The Greatest Day of Her Life," the first story in this series, a little better. All the same, I think it has its merits, and I've already written it. So, up it goes!

Enjoy.

The Red Whatever

Chapter 2: The Red Whatever

There was no time for Derpy to go back to Ponyville. Celestia and Brainwash had concocted a story involving a mid-air collision to explain why Derpy would not be home for a couple of days, and Celestia had sent Twilight a letter stating that since the “accident” had occurred in the course of a delivery meant for her, she would be grateful if Twilight would watch Dinky in her mother's absence. The real reason for this request, she had explained, was that she wanted to ask Twilight about any observations she might have made regarding Dinky's natural magical talent.

In the end, all that was neither here nor there. All Derpy had to worry about was getting this little brown box to the door of a pirate hideout north of Baltimare. She had slept on the train, and now, in the light of early morning, she flew northward in search of a small, natural harbor encircled by mountains.

It wasn't long before she found it. At first, she was unsure she had found the right place, but in the light of the rising sun, a big, red airship came into view far below her, floating low enough that it was hidden on all sides by the ring of mountains. It was long and sleek with the rigid frame of a warship, and bristly with cannons.

This is stupid, she thought. They're gonna know somepony sent me. You don't just find a place like this.

Whatever the case, she couldn't turn back now. She began her descent.

As she sailed down past the gargantuan warship, she saw a name written on its side in elegant, gold letters.

"The Red Whatever," she mumbled. "Whatever."

Now, she noticed a small dock below the ship. The Red Whatever was moored to it with huge chains, and behind that dock, there was the mouth of a cave. The ship itself showed no signs of life; not even sentries seemed to patrol its decks.

Why would they need to? They can see any possible threat coming from a long way off, right?

She let herself continue to descend, and was shocked to still see no signs of any activity below her.

“I can't believe how lax their security is,” she said, recalling the checkpoints that had stopped her on the way into the castle.

Still, her heart raced as she finally placed her hooves on the ground. She looked around, tremulous. Not even one pirate emerged from anywhere.

“If there was nopony on the ship,” she mumbled, “then they must all be in... there.”

She turned her eyes towards the cave. It seemed much larger from the ground, and in the dim light of the rising sun, its yawning mouth seemed black and evil. Still, she had come to deliver a package.

And for once, she didn't even need a signature.

She walked towards the cave, her stomach twisting and rolling inside of her. As she reached it, she gave a timid shout.

“Hello?”

There came no reply, and given no other choice, she stepped forward.

“It's just a big, old, creepy cave full of pirates,” she said. “Nothing to be afraid of.”

She stopped moving.

“Except every single thing about it.”

“Hello!” she called out again, stepping carefully forward.

"I wonder if there could be booby traps in here?" she mumbled. "Pirates use booby traps, right?"

Tripwire.

She felt herself tumble forward, heard the creak of something moving in the darkness, and then a tremendous crash. Now came a metallic, tinkling sound, as of something rolling towards her in the darkness. Whatever it was touched her hoof, and she bent down to examine it. She could barely make it out in the darkness, but it seemed to be a small, iron washer.

Curious, she stepped in the direction from which the crash had come. Her hoof bumped into a large chunk of something metal. She could see nothing about it in the darkness, but as she gave it a gentle push, it rattled, and fell over.

"I don't think that whatever this was did whatever it was supposed to do," she said. "But what if it had," she cringed. "I better be more careful."

The walls of the cave grew darker as she moved deeper inside, but after awhile, she began to think that her eyes had started to adjust, as they seemed to come back into focus, somehow – as focused as anything ever was in her peculiar, misaligned field of vision, anyway.

It was not so, however. Her improved vision came instead from a pair of torches which glowed from where they were mounted to either side of a wood plank wall set into a narrow bottleneck of the cave, itself. In the center of the wall was a rough, wooden door, with what appeared to be a small window set into it at eye level, and covered with a wooden shutter.

She approached it quietly.

“Come on, Derps,” she whispered. “You've knocked on plenty of doors before.”

She raised a shaky hoof, and knocked twice.

There came the sound of something or someone stirring from beyond the door, but no other response.

She knocked again, this time thrice, and louder.

Once more, she heard the sound, and once more, there was no further reaction.

Frustrated, she began knocking directly at the small window's wooden shutter. She knocked at it rapidly for at least ten seconds before it opened. Her hoof had struck whoever stood behind the door five times between the eyes before she realized what was happening, and managed to stop herself.

“Yar.” was the only reply.

“I'm sorry,” said Derpy.

“Think ye nothin' of it!” said a growling voice. “No feelin' in my face no way, what with how hard I been at the cider barrel, this eve past!”

“Oh... well...” Derpy cleared her throat. “All for the best, then?”

“Aye.”

“Uh... I have something for Magenta-with-a-Saffron-Stripe-Beard,” said Derpy.

“The Cap'n be asleep” said the odd voice from beyond the door, “and ye knows I can't be lettin' ye beyond ye olde portal, here without the password.”

“How did you pronounce that 'e' at the end of 'old?'” asked Derpy.

“It be years of practice, but trust me lass, give it ye're best, and one day, ye too shall speak like a true salt!”

“Yes, of course,” said Derpy.

“Ye means 'Aye,' of course,” said the voice.

“Um... I,” said Derpy.

“No, lass,” said the voice. “Thar be two syllables in 'aye;' ye must stretch it out into a diphthong, or it be no good, at all.”

“Ah-ee?” said Derpy.

“Closer, but now ye sound like ye be tryin' to sing backup vocals for a pop song. Be more sure of yerself, and growl as if sufferin' the deepest of intestinal discomforts!”

“Aye?” said Derpy.

“Aye.” said the voice.

“Aye.” said Derpy.

“Aye!” said the voice.

“AYE!” said Derpy, as fiercely as she could manage.

“And that be the password!” said the voice.

The little window shutter closed, and the door flung open, revealing a rotund, green pegasus with pegs where his wings had once been. He had a white mane, thinned with age. He also wore a red, polka-dot bandana, and reeked of stale cider. His cutie mark was a cutlass, and he wore one on his waist.

“This is a pirate cove, and the password is 'aye?'” asked Derpy.

“Aye,” said the pegasus. “And did it not yet take the expert instruction of ol' Pegwing to gain ye ye're admittance?”

“Aye,” said Derpy.

She shook her head.

“I mean, ye has... You have a point.”

“Takes ye quick, don't it?”

Derpy shrugged

“Now, what business has ye with Cap'n Magenta-with-a-Saffron-Stripe-Beard?”

“A package,” said Derpy. “I'm with EPS.”

“Yar!?” said Pegwing, stunned. “Be that the way of it!? I thought sure ye was some swab taken on as a cabin girl!”

“Nope,” said Derpy, “just a delivery pony.”

“Well, ye spake the password, and ye has the brown bags, so 'tis my reckonin' ye can be trusted.”

“But you...” Derpy began, but was cut off.

“And yet how is it ye came to find the infamous hidey hole of Cap'n Magenta-with-a-Saffron-Stripe-Beard?”

“Uh, the address on the package.”

She produced the package and displayed it to Pegwing.

“Captain,” he began, but paused. “Yar, they be usin' an archaic spellin.'”

He cleared his throat.

“Cap'n Magenta-with-a-Saffron-Stripe-Beard, box one, that little, secluded cove north of Baltimare.”

He shrugged.

“Well, how could ye not be findin' us with such clear instruction as these. 'Tis the marvel of the modern postal service which oils the cogs a' the machine a' society.”

“Uh, yeah,” said Derpy. “It's that.”

“Well, go on about ye're business,” said Pegwing, “I'll return to me cider, me pipe, and me songs of strappin' young lads trimmin' the topsails!”

“Okay!" said Derpy.

Pegwing gave her a scowl.

“I mean, YAR!”

“That's a lass,” said Pegwing, before bumbling away towards a cider barrel on a small, nearby table.

Derpy turned and moved further into the reaches of the pirate hideout. The smell of cider pervaded everything around her, and in may places there were bunks and hammocks strung from support beams, each one occupied by a pirate. Most were pegasi, but there were also a few griffons and even a very few bat ponies. Stallions prevailed, as would be expected, but there were more than a few mares, as well, and most of them looked meaner than the stallions.

“I guess they'd have to be to survive around here,” she said quietly. “Oh, Derps, what have you gotten yourself into, this time?”

A nearby griffon stirred, scratching at his belly, and Derpy reminded herself to be absolutely quiet as she searched for the pirate captain.

I don't even know what this pony looks like, she thought, unless I really see a magenta beard with a saffron stripe, of course, but what are the odds?

She moved as quietly as possible, stepping down a long hallway lined with bunks, each one taken by another hard-faced, cider-soaked pirate.

Finally, after traversing several of the halls, and climbing a short staircase, she found a door. It stood partially open, and from inside it came the sound of somepony snoring – loudly.

“Could this be it?” she whispered.

She pushed the door open, cringing at how it creaked in the silence.

The air inside was much cooler than the crowded passageways of the rest of the hidey hole, and unlike the rest of the strange bastion, the room was decorated. There were paintings of various nautical scenes, and the furniture was actually quite nice and apparently antique. There was a fine dresser, an elegant chest-of-drawers, a large, freestanding mirror, and even a small nook with a little table having nothing on it but a silver tea set. A small wood-burning stove stood near it,, and last of all there was a lovely, four-post bed. In that bed slept a mauve-colored pegasus. To find such a room in a place like this was, in itself, a surprise, but what made it seem even stranger was that the sleeping pony was clearly a mare.

She did indeed have a long, magenta mane with a saffron stripe, but there was, of course, no beard to be seen.

“I knew it!” said Derpy. “No beard, at all.”

The sleeping mare rolled over, and snorted in her sleep.

“Well,” said the pegasus. “I guess I could just leave it here, and hope she found it.”

She shook her head.

“No, she might not see it. Princess Celestia said she had to be wearing it to make the magic work.”

Derpy approached the bed, trembling slightly.

Up close, she was shocked to see that the mare was actually quite pretty, and probably a few years younger than her. This was not what she had expected when she had come looking for a pirate captain.

“Do I wake her up?” she asked herself. “Maybe I should just wait until she wakes up on her own. She might be mad if I disturb her.”

The sleeping pony snorted and rolled, again.

“Well, maybe if I just gave her a nudge.”

“Uh, captain?” Derpy touched the catatonic pegasus on the shoulder, and almost immediately wished she hadn't.

She bolted upright, a dagger in her teeth, and wrapped Derpy up into a headlock. Then, she spoke -- carefully and slowly, so as not to cut her lips on the glistening blade of the weapon clutched in her incisors.

“Somepony trying to take advantage of my open door policy, I see?” she snarled.

“Delivery! Package! Something for you!” Derpy spat out frantically.

The pegasus slackened her grip.

“Oh,” she said, still not removing the dagger from her teeth. “Well, I apologize, then. Have to be careful, these days. Spies around every corner, you know.”

Derpy withdrew her head, and stepped back.

“You don't say?” she said.

“Wait,” said the other mare, at last removing the dagger from her teeth with a wing. “Who are you?”

Her voice was thick with a Trottingham accent, and without the impediment of the dagger, she spoke clearly and articulately -- nothing like Pegwing's pirate dialect.

“Derpy Hooves – EPS. Someone shipped this to you, and I just followed the directions on the label, and...”

“Likely story,” said the pirate. “How did you find this place?”

“The address on the box.”

Derpy showed her the package.

“Well, that explains it,” said the pirate captain. “What is this?”

“I don't know,” said Derpy. “It wasn't stated on the invoice.”

“Who sent it?”

“The return address is a residence in Canterlot,” said Derpy. “I can't tell you more than that.”

“Really?” said the other mare, suspiciously. “You open it.”

She passed the box back to Derpy.

“We scanned it already,” said Derpy. “It's nothing dangerous.”

“Still,” said the pirate, “you open it.”

“Okay,” said Derpy, and for a moment, she found herself questioning Princess Celestia's promise that this was not a bomb.

Then, she realized that the pirate mare still had her dagger. She really didn't have any choice in the matter. She tore into the brown paper, and popped open the lid of the box.

It was a necklace, set with a large, heavy ruby.

“Well, well,” said the pirate, reaching out a hoof.

Derpy passed her the heavy, golden necklace with its huge, red gem, and was glad to have it out her hooves.

“Such a pretty thing,” said the Pirate.

“There's a note here, too,” said Derpy. “It just says, 'From a fan. Keep this next to your heart for good luck.'”

“Well, how thoughtful of... somepony,” said the pirate, and she pulled the huge necklace around her neck, and clasped it behind the back of her head.

“Well, I'm off,” said Derpy.

“Oh, do stay awhile, said the odd pirate mare. “The company around here is all but insufferable; nothing but smelly vagabonds and the loathsome dregs of ponykind.

“What about the griffons?” asked Derpy.

“They can actually make good conversation, but you have to catch them in the right mood. Otherwise it's all "'Let me tell you 'bout this one bloke what I disemboweled with me talons, mate.'”

"That's probably what makes them good pirates," said Derpy.

"There is no such creature in all the world as a good pirate."

"Efficient pirates?" asked Derpy.

"Apt," said the other mare. "I shall have to use that. You see, this is just the sort of conversation I need."

Derpy thought about the army of sleeping pirates outside, and realized that there was no way she could hope to escape should this pirate not take well to any refusal she might offer.

“Well,” said Derpy, “I suppose I could stay awhile.”

“Lovely!” said the young mare. “I'll make us some tea.”

Within minutes, Derpy sat at the small table she had earlier noticed in the nook of the pirate's bedchamber. A steaming cup of Earl Fleabitten Gray sat before her.

“So, where are you from, Ms. Hooves?” asked the pirate.

“Ponyville,” said Derpy. She had been watching the little pirate mare bustle about, taking note that her cutie mark was nothing other than a steaming cup of tea much like the one that now sat before her.

As she sat down opposite her, the pirate spoke.

“Ah, I hear Ponyville is a lovely little town. I should like to visit it someday, though my current profession of course renders that an impossibility.”

“Have you ever thought of getting out of... uh... piracy?” asked Derpy.

“Often enough,” said the mare, "but have you seen my crew? They'd fall to pieces without me."

“If you don't mind my asking,” said Derpy, “how did you end up... here?”

“Now that is a fascinating tale,” came the reply. “As you might have guessed, my real name is not Magenta-with-a-Saffron-Stripe-Beard.”

“The lack of a beard sort of tipped me off on that,” said Derpy.

“Ah, yes,” said the pirate; “this trick.”

She pulled her long mane around in front of her face, and hooked it behind the opposite ear. It hung there like a thick, bushy beard for a moment, and then with a flick of her hoof, she let it fall back to where it had hung, before.

“It makes me more intimidating.”

“Ah...” said Derpy.

“To get back to my story, when I was growing up in Trottingham, I was known as Teacup, and you may address me as such, if you wish.” She sipped at her tea. “My family was a respectable lot, in those days. My parents made their money importing tea, which is always big business in Trottingham.”

“So I hear,” said Derpy.

Teacup chuckled.

“I suppose everypony hears,” she said. “We do drink a great deal of tea in Trottingham.”

She sipped again at her own cup, and Derpy, realizing she had not touched her own, did likewise.

“Well, things were just getting along right swimmingly until a competitor arose in the East. They started importing direct, and it wasn't long before it seemed like my family's whole business would topple. Father let himself be driven out of house and home, and went to living in a little flat in a rather poor neighborhood. Even so, he kept paying my tuition at boarding school, even if he had to sell off a little more property here or there. He was positively insistent that no matter what happened to him I should have a chance to build as fine a life for myself as I possibly could.” She sipped. “I of course protested, but he would hear none of it.”

“He sounds like a good dad,” said Derpy.

“Oh, the best,” said Teacup. She sighed.

“It went on like that for awhile, until I got a telegram one day saying that I should come and see him in the hospital. He had contracted a case of pneumonia from living in such squalor. It did him in, the old warhorse.”

“I'm sorry to hear that,” said Derpy, sadly.

Teacup said nothing, but sipped once more. After awhile, she spoke again.

“I was rather upset, as you might imagine, and decided that my only clear course of action was obviously cold-blooded revenge. Of course, there was nothing unfair or illegal about what father's competition had done. It was just that our business was a remnant of the old world, and was fading away with the rest of it. I was just too young and foolish to see that, though.”

“What did you do?” asked Derpy.

“I sold all that was left of the family estate, and bought an old, disarmed ship left over from the griffon war, claiming I intended to use it for scrap metal. I had it rearmed in secret, and then sailed east with a skeleton crew, stopping along the way to take on every vagrant, beggar, and individual of less-than-savory circumstance and repute whom I could find. They were all so grateful to have a place in the world for the first time in their lives that they became rather fanatically loyal to me, and when I announced my intention to prey upon the merchant marine of my perceived foe, they were all elated.”

“And then?” asked Derpy.

“It took me a scant two years to bring my enemy to utter ruin,” said Teacup, “but do you know what happened?”

“What?” asked Derpy?

“Three more businesses just like them sprang up to compete for the market. Suddenly, I was confronted with something of a moral dilemma: These were not the ones who had brought my family to ruin. How could I then, in good conscience, seek their destruction? This of course made me wonder how, in good conscience, I had done the things I had already done. But by then, it was too late. I had never given consideration to what I would do when my enemy was vanquished, and I had a crew of loyal followers who depended on me for their very survival, even at the expense of others.'

“So, we began our strange odyssey, sailing from country to country, taking what we could, and living as merrily as our plundered riches allowed. Such has been our way, ever since.”

“How long has that been?” asked Derpy.

“About six months,” said Teacup.

At that exact moment, Pegwing stormed into the room.

“YAR!” he shouted. “The gypsy griffon says thar be half the Equestrian Navy headed this way with fire in their bellies and powder in their cannon!”

“So, they've found us again,” said Teacup. “Very well. Is the Whatever prepared?”

“Aye, Cap'n,” said Pegwing, “The Whatever be ready as ever what she be.”

“Well, let's get aboard, and get out of the cove, then,” said Teacup. “You should join us, Ms. Hooves. It promises to be a merry chase, as always.”

“Oh, I don't think I can...” Derpy began.

“You're coming,” said Teacup, having once again produced her dagger.

“... don't think I can stand to miss the excitement,” said Derpy.

Author's Note

While editing this, I noticed some overlap between the dialogue here and some from the "Pirates of the Caribbean" films. I haven't watched them in years, but I recall some similarities. It probably says less about me as a writer and more about how little there really is to say about pirates. To be honest, they're a rather boring subject for me, but I wanted to write a Derpy fic, and this is where my head went.

A Nice Cup of Tea

Chapter 3: A Nice Cup of Tea

Derpy stood on the deck of the pirate ship's gondola, slung low beneath its enormous, rigid frame. She looked up at it nervously.

This thing is full of flammable, combustible, blow-up-able gas, she thought. One cannonball through the wrong spot, and we're all gonna look like burnt muffins.

“Yar,” she be a sight, indeed,” came a familiar voice from beside where she stood.

“Pegwing,” said Derpy, “how did you get up here?”

“Ol' Pegwing's got a bit o' grit left in 'im yet,” was the obese pegasus' only response.

Derpy turned away from the big pegasus, and headed towards the stern of the ship, where Teacup stood next to her helm officer, a scrawny bat pony with half of his left ear missing. Both his eye sockets were covered by patches. Also present was the gypsy griffon Pegwing had mentioned. She was clad in tattered, brown robes, and was old and decrepit. Her left eye was obviously a glass prosthetic, and remained fixed forward as her right darted this way and that.

“They come now, my lady,” said the old griffon, “and their ships are fast, but they will not catch us so long as I have my magic.”

“Griffons have magic?” asked Derpy.

“Think not for a moment that it is only ponykind who can bend the will of the world to your own,” said the griffon. “We too have ways, those of us who seek to learn them, but it is a dangerous path to walk, and not all who brave it emerge unscathed.”

“Is that how you lost your eye?” asked Derpy.

“No,” said the griffon, shaking her head. “That happened when I used to work for a delivery service. You wouldn't believe how dangerous that job can be.”

“Actually,” said Derpy, but she stopped herself. “Never mind.”

“Helm,” said Teacup, “turn the ship inland. We'll escape to the mountains east of Canterlot, and find a place to lay low. They'll never expect it.”

“Uh, Teacup” said Derpy, “I can let the gypsy griffon thing slide, but is it really a good idea for the guy steering the ship to not have eyes?”

“Helm has eyes,” said Teacup.

"His name's actually 'Helm?'" asked Derpy, but Teacup continued speaking without acknowledging the question.

“You see, the sunlight hurts his eyes because he's nocturnal. He steers entirely through echolocation and his preternaturally sharp sense of bat pony hearing.”

“Oh, okay,” said Derpy.

She turned towards the bat pony clutching the ship's wheel.

“That's very impressive,” she said.

“Did somepony say somethin'?” said Helm, turning his head in confusion. “Seriously, somepony talkin' to me?”

“This can't be real,” said Derpy, flatly.

“I swears I keep hearin' somepony yammerin'!” shouted Helm. “Speak up where I can hear ye, or don't speak at all!”

Derpy quietly stepped away from the bat pony, and stood beside Teacup.

“Cap'n!” there came a shout from behind the ship, and Derpy turned to see a yellow pegasus coming in for a landing.

He was short, and had a shaggy, blue mane that fell down and covered his eyes, completely. His cutie mark was a telescope.

“I seen 'em, Cap'n,” he said, “Battleships! Not fewer than four!”

“Lookout, you have to be kidding,” said Teacup. “That's absurd. They'd never commit that much of the Navy...”

“Look me in the eye, and tell me I'm lying!” said Lookout, and he lifted his bangs with a hoof.

He had one, huge eye, like a cyclops. It was bloodshot with a jet-black iris, and it blinked twice.

“Alright, I believe you,” said Teacup, and Lookout let his bangs fall back over his one enormous eye.

“This crew just keeps making me feel better about myself,” said Derpy.

“Arr?” said Lookout.

“Nothing,” said Derpy.

Teacup opened a cover over a brass speaking tube, and half-shouted into it.

“Engine Room, pedal faster!”

The sound of somepony panting fiercely came back through the tube.

“Aye... aye... Cap'n... But might I... be gettin' a... bottle a' liquid refreshment?”

“I'll see about it,” said Teacup, and she began to fumble through a cabinet near the wheel's pedestal. After a moment, she produced a bottle of water.

“His name's really 'Engine Room,' isn't it?” asked Derpy.

“What else would it be?” asked Teacup.

Derpy shrugged, conceding the point.

“What does he look like?” asked the gray pegasus.

“No one knows,” said Teacup, and she shoved the bottle into the open tube.

A hardy, “Thankee Cap'n!” echoed from the tube, and Teacup shut it.

“Is your whole crew like this?” asked Derpy.

“If only,” said Teacup.

They almost got away. The mountains came into sight not an hour later, and for a moment, it seemed they would be able to find some secluded valley to sink the ship into, and make good their escape. Then, Lookout landed on the deck.

“Cap'n!” he shouted frantically, “Three more ships be comin' in direct from Canterlot-way, and they be the largest and fastest of the fleet! It be right as if they knew what way we was headed, all along!”

At this, Pegwing, standing nearby, cut loose in woeful lament.

“We been bamboozled! Duped, I say! Some traitorous scaliwag has betrayed us into the hooves a' justice to suffer the deserts of our wrong-doins! The hoof a' Fate we've so long fled is pressin' down upon us to take the vengeance which it craves so dear! Thar be no penance for the things we done; no recompense we can make for our inequities! All our vice and greed is to be repaid unto us in kind! I can't take it, Cap'n! I JUST CAN'T!

With that, Pegwing took off at a full gallop, and leapt over the deck railing.

Derpy just stood blinking, staring at the place where Pegwing had disappeared over the rail. Part of her wanted to gasp, another to cry, but the whole situation had become so bizarre that her emotions were not quite fully functional.

“He'll be fine,” said Teacup.

Derpy gave her a look of mixed skepticism and indignation.

“For the moment,” said the pirate mare, “we should probably...” she drew in a deep breath …”PREPARE FOR BATTLE!”

A muffled wave of cheers erupted from below decks.

“Wait a minute!” said Derpy. “You can't fight three big, modern battleships with this old relic! You'll get creamed!”

“Of course,” said Teacup, “We're pirates. That's what we call 'retirement.'”

Derpy just stared at Teacup, her jaw hanging open.

“Besides, if worse comes to worst, we have a hostage.”

Derpy looked around.

“You have a what, now?” She blinked a couple of times. “Oh.”

“Why did you think I brought you along?” asked Teacup.

Derpy felt her heart sink, and her ears drooped.

“For tea?” the gray pegasus finally offered.

“That sounds lovely,” said Teacup, and she opened the speaking tube.

“Galley, can I have two cups of tea on the bridge, please?”

She turned back to Derpy.

“Please don't try to fly away,” said Teacup. “I'll have to have Crackshot blow you down with his favorite cannon.”

“With a name like 'Crackshot,'” said Derpy, “I bet...”

“No, he won't miss,” said Teacup.

“Yeah,” said Derpy, glumly, "that's what I thought."

Ten minutes later, with the silhouettes of three Equestrian battle cruisers growing larger in the distance, Derpy sat next to Teacup, sipping from a steaming cup of the same tea she'd had earlier that morning.

“You know, this is really good,” said Derpy, quietly.

“It's the last of my personal stock,” said Teacup. “It was my favorite blend back when I was younger. I guess it lasted just long enough.”

She took a sip.

“You know,” she said, touching her hoof to the big, red ruby, which she still wore. “I can't believe the gypsy's spell didn't detect it. There must be some powerful magic on this little trinket.”

Derpy's eyes widened.

“Huh?”

“Come on,” said Teacup, “From a fan? That little cove north of Baltimare? I know we're judged by the company we keep, but give me more credit than that, Derpy Hooves.”

“Why did you play along?” asked Derpy.

“Maybe I'm just ready for this to be over,” sighed Teacup. “But more than that, you intrigued me. At first, I was going to do away with you, but after I talked to you for awhile, I realized that you couldn't be one of Brainwash's rubes. You're too nice – too sincere.”

“I'm just a delivery pony,” said Derpy, “and I hate my job.”

“Then why are you here?” asked Teacup.

“My daughter,” said Derpy. “Princess Celestia said she'd let her into the School for Gifted Unicorns.”

“You do know you should already be dead, right?” asked Teacup.

“In more ways than you even know," said Derpy.

“That was acceptable to you?” asked the pirate, sipping at her tea.

“I guess so,” said Derpy. “I mean, not really, but I couldn't not do it, either.” She shrugged, and sipped. “I don't know. I'm confused. I stay confused.”

“I don't think so,” said Teacup. “I think you see the world very clearly through those googly eyes of yours.”

In the distance, the three battleships had fanned out, meaning to flank the Red Whatever.

“What will you do now?” asked Derpy.

Teacup shrugged, and at that moment, Lookout landed right behind the two mares.

“Cap'n, ye'll not be believin' this.”

“Try me,” said Teacup.

“Princess Celestia herself be aboard one o' them vessels, and she be armored up for battle.”

“Delightful,” said Teacup, sinking down slightly. “If it wasn't over before, it most certainly is now.”

“What do we do Cap'n?” came a gruff voice from across the bridge. Derpy turned to see Pegwing, looking through a spyglass towards the incoming battle cruisers.

“Wait... how?” was all Derpy could say before Teacup cut her off.

“Run up the white flag, and bring us alongside her ship so we can discuss terms.”

“Surrender?” asked Pegwing, turning back towards the mares. He had a small, adhesive bandage above his right eye.

“Not exactly,” said Teacup.

As her ship pulled up alongside the Red Whatever, Princess Celestia was shocked to see that, upon its bridge, amidst the pirates, stood Derpy Hooves.

“Oh, no,” she said.

She strode closer to the deck railing, the heavy suit of gilded, florentine barding she wore clattering slightly as she approached it.

“Pirate Magenta-with-a-Saffron-Stripe-Beard!” she shouted.

One of the pirates, a mauve pegasus mare, waved back.

“'Teacup' will do,” she shouted.

“Pirate... Teacup,” mumbled Celestia. “It takes all kinds.”

She shrugged.

Brainwash, standing nearby, and also armored, stepped to her side.

“What do we do about the delivery girl?” he asked.

“You do nothing,” said Celestia. “I'll take care of this.”

“Pirate Teacup,” she said, “I hereby order you to lay down your weapons, and to surrender your ship and crew!”

“And if we refuse?” shouted back the pirate.

“Then you will be subdued by force,” responded Celestia.

“Do I have to point out that I have a hostage?” asked the pirate.

“I had noticed,” said Celestia. “Release her, and I can guarantee that no harm will come to yourself or your crew.”

“Not right away, at least!” shouted the pirate.

“What the courts decide to do with you is not my immediate concern!” shouted Celestia.

“That is a position I find it difficult to share,” shouted the pegasus. “I need better terms.”

“Equestria does not negotiate with pirates,” said Celestia, shaking her head.

“You are Equestria,” said the pirate, Teacup.

“That is why I cannot make an exception,” said Celestia.

On the deck of the Red Whatever, Derpy watched Teacup slump down at the Princess' words.

“I suppose it was just a flight of fancy,” she said, turning an eye towards Derpy.

“Very well,” she said, turning to the gray mare. “In a moment, I'm going to give a signal for my crew to fire on Celestia's ship.”

“Are you crazy!?” shouted Derpy. “Celestia will blow this old, red bucket out of the sky!”

“Of course she will,” said Teacup, “with or without you on it. That's why it's time for you to go, now.”

“What?” asked Derpy. “I'm not leaving until this is over!”

“This was over from the moment I put on this silly necklace,” said Teacup, indicating the gemstone. “Now, it's time for you to leave. Fly as fast as you can away from here, and don't look back.”

“You can't fight them; you'll get ponies killed! Not just you, and not just your crew, either!”

“We're pirates,” said Teacup. “It won't be the first time.”

“But it doesn't have to be this way,” plead Derpy, her eyes tearing up.

“I don't know how else it can be,” said Teacup. “Now, go.”

Derpy backed towards the railing, her head held low.

“I'm sorry, Teacup,” she said.

“For what?” asked the pirate, and she looked up just in time to see Derpy leap the railing and fly straight towards Celestia's ship.

“Do you want I should have Crackshot blow her down?” asked Pegwing.

Teacup smiled sadly, and shook her head.

“No, Pegwing,” she said. “Let her go.”

Celestia noticed her ship's cannons tracking Derpy's movement just in time.

“HOLD YOUR FIRE!” she shouted, and the force of her voice echoed off the mountains below.

Derpy landed on the deck of the ship, and skidded to a halt right in front of the big, armor-clad alicorn.

“Princess, don't...” she began, but Celestia cut her off with a hard look.

“That was foolish,” said Celestia.

“I know,” said Derpy, “but that's kinda my thing.”

“It was also very brave,” said Celestia. “Funny how those tend to walk hoof-in-hoof.”

“Well, Princess,” came a shout from the other vessel, and Celestia lifted her eyes towards it.

“It seems that you are the one who now has a hostage.”

“Excuse me?” said Celestia, totally confused.

“Close the gun ports,” said the pirate captain, and a big, green pegasus standing next to her grunted out a few syllables that were totally unintelligible to Celestia's ears.

“I said close them,” said the mauve pegasus. “We surrender.”

Awhile later, Derpy sat on the deck of the huge Equestrian battlecruiser. She watched, forlorn, as pair of big, white pegasus sailors escorted a tiny mauve pegasus with a magenta, saffron-striped mane over from the Red Whatever. She was bound to each by a chain, and her hooves were in shackles.

As they landed, she looked right at Derpy from across the deck, and gave her a peculiar little smile, as Celestia approached the place where she and the two guards stood.

Derpy likewise approached, but stood at a distance.

“Pirate Teacup,” said Celestia, rolling her eyes slightly at the words, “You are to be returned to Canterlot where you will be tried for the crime of piracy. In view of your unconditional surrender, and of certain other facts which have recently been brought to my attention, I will recommend... some degree of leniency to the court. How much, I have not yet decided.'

“Now, there is somepony who would like to speak to you.” She stepped to the side, and Derpy approached, timidly.

“Hi, Teacup,” said Derpy. “I'm... sorry.”

“If anypony here has no need to be sorry,” said Teacup, “it is you.”

“I still feel sorry,” said Derpy.

“You know, I never saw it coming,” said Teacup. “A right bold move, played straight-faced as could be. You would have made a good pirate.” She paused. “If there was room in the world for such a thing as a good pirate.”

“Take her away,” said Celestia.

“Wait!” said Derpy. “I have one question.”

Celestia held up a hoof, and the guards stopped.

“If you were never gonna hurt me,” asked the gray pegasus, “why did you bring me along, at all?”

The mauve pegasus shrugged.

“I suppose I just wanted somepony to sit down with and share a nice cup of tea.”

At this Celestia waved a hoof, and the two guards took the pirate away towards the brig.

Derpy looked up at Celestia.

“Will she ever get out of prison?” she asked.

“Perhaps,” said Celestia, "but it will be a long time. You must remember, Derpy, she's done more than you know.”

“I don't wanna know,” said the little pegasus.

“That's for the best,” said Celestia.

Celestia turned to walk away, and a thought crossed Derpy's mind.

“Will they let her have tea in prison?” Derpy couldn't believe how silly the question sounded. It was like something Dinky would ask.

Celestia stopped, and turned her head. She was smiling.

“Of course they will,” she said. “That's only civilized.”

* * *

It was well after sunset when Derpy knocked on the door of Golden Oaks Library. All she wanted to do was pick up Dinky, and put the past couple of days behind her. She sighed as she waited for a response.

“Coming!” she heard Twilight Sparkle's voice, and in a few moments, the door swung open.

“Twilight, you're... dressed up,” said Derpy, noticing a frilly, lacy evening gown which Twilight was wearing for no apparent reason.

“Oh, the dress!” said the little alicorn. “We were having a tea party. Like, a real one, with real tea, and everything. It was Dinky's idea.”

“Mommy!” squeaked a tiny voice, and dinky ran up to maul her mother with a hug. “They said you flew into another pegasus, and had to go the hospital.”

“Something like that,” said Derpy, smiling down at her daughter. Dinky was wearing a little evening dress she had apparently packed and brought from home, but what really caught Derpy's eye was her mane. There was a bright purple stripe running down one side of it.

“Who did your highlight, there?” asked Derpy.

“Oh, I was redoing mine,” said Twilight. “She wanted to see what it would look like, and I had a little left over, so... I hope you don't mind.”

“No," said Derpy, ”I don't mind."

The colors were backwards, of course, and a just a shade or two off, besides. And Dinky was of course no pegasus. All the same, her daughter's mane and general coloration bore a striking resemblance to those of the pirate mare.

“I don't mind, at all,” she said.

“Come inside,” said Twilight, and Derpy complied.

“Can I keep it?” asked Dinky, indicating the stripe of color that shot through her mane.

“If you want,” said Derpy, and her daughter noticed something odd about her tone and demeanor.

“Mommy, you seem kinda sad.”

“Oh, it's okay, honey,” said Derpy. “Mommy's just a little tired.”

Dinky turned and darted back towards the dining room.

“You should be proud of her,” said Twilight. “She's really talented.”

“I am,” said Derpy, “and I know. But thank you, Twilight.”

“She'll do great at the school,” said the alicorn. Come sit down with us,” said the alicorn.

Derpy followed her into the dining room. There were indeed all the trappings of a real tea party spread out on the table: a teapot, cups, kettle of hot water, and a tray of small pastries, muffins mercifully among them. Derpy seated herself, but something out the window across the room caught her eye: The silhouette of Canterlot Castle, glistening in the moonlight from where it jutted from the side of the mountain.

Within that beautiful fortress, where Derpy herself had stood not two days past, a pegasus named Teacup sat alone in a prison cell.

A friend? thought Derpy. Was she my friend? I'd like to think so. I wonder if they've brought her any tea, yet. If they have, I bet it's not as good as what she's used to.

“Would you like a cup of tea, Derpy?” asked Twilight.

“Just a muffin and a glass of water,” said the pegasus, quietly. “I don't feel like tea, right now.”

finem

Author's Note

Really did not see this one ending like this when I started writing. I promise that if I do another Derpy fic any time soon, it'll be a little more lighthearted. Still, I don't think this is a "bad" ending. It's just bittersweet.

You know; like a nice cup of tea.

Thanks for reading!

Mannulus