My name is Peppermint Twist, and I'm not crazy.
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My name is Peppermint Twist, and I'm not crazy.
Hi! My name is Peppermint Twist, but you can call me Twist because that's what all of the ponies do! I love to bake my own candy treats, mostly with lots and lots of peppermint in them because that's the tastiest kind! It's suuuuuper yummy, and it's really pretty, too. Red and white are my favorite colors!
Sometimes red and white scare me, though. See, the voices like to tell me that red and white are stupid favorite colors because red is like blood and white is like purity, and those two are total opposites. The voices tell me a lot of things I do are stupid.
I try to ignore them, most of the time.
They're not all that bad, sometimes! Sometimes we have funny conversations about what would happen if they knew every little thing about me, and they could use it against me! I think that's funny because they would never, ever know that ever, since they're just voices! I'm laughing right now, even though it kind of scares me a little bit. Just a little bit, though. It's more funny than bad.
Daddy and I are going to go make some peppermint candies! Yay!
Daddy didn't want to make peppermint candies. Daddy wanted to talk. Daddy said I've been having nightmares for a long time and kicking in my sleep. He said he thought it was normal filly behavior, but it wasn't. And he wanted to know what was wrong.
But nighttime is when I talk to the voices most, so I told him he has to be wrong, because the voices aren't all that bad, really. Not all the time. They like to help me with situations.
Daddy's face got all scrunched up at that. He said that I shouldn't listen to strangers. I giggled and told him that they weren't strangers. The voices had been talking to me for years and years and years now, ever since I was just a little filly!
Daddy looked kind of mad then, and maybe just a little bit sick, too. He told me to go to bed even though it wasn't dark out, and then he went to his room and cried. I know I was supposed to be in bed, but I was a naughty filly and went to see why he looked so sad.
I could hear him crying, all night long.
The voices told me that I'm a mess-up and a failure. The voices told me that I made Daddy cry, even though I don't understand why. The voices kept me up all night, occasionally kicking at the wall to try to make them be quiet.
I always missed.
The next day at school I was super duper sad. I almost didn't listen to Apple Bloom tell her sad story about her parents and how they died. I wasn't really listening enough to hear how they died, but I know they did die. And that's super sad. I can't imagine life without Daddy. Daddy or the voices. The voices have been my parents too. They always tell me what to do. They make jokes with me. Scary jokes, but funny at the same time.
I used to have a Mommy once, but Daddy told me when I was very little that she got very sad and scared and caused her to die. I couldn't really be sad because I didn't know her that well, but I was sad anyways.
When I got home from school, Daddy was at home with a cup of coffee, leaning on the table with eyes red and puffy. I asked him what was wrong. He avoided my question and asked me about the voices again. I don't understand why he was so interested in them all of a sudden. He never had been before.
That night, he was awake again. And I was awake too. I didn't even put my glasses away. I just stared at the ceiling while the voices whispered in my ear and told me that I had broken Daddy. That he was never going to be happy again. And it was all my fault.
The voices were always right. So did I really break Daddy?
I love you, Daddy. I didn't mean to break you.
I'm so sorry, Daddy.
Miss Cheerilee came home and talked to Daddy after school today. I didn't want to eavesdrop, but I could tell they were talking about me. The voices made me hear things I didn't want to hear. Things about me failing my classes. Depression. Anxiety.
Daddy started crying again.
I started crying too. Shedding silver tears.
Silver is my new favorite color. It's all I see anymore.
Today the voices told me I should never face Daddy again. But he decided to face me. I think it was better that way. I might have listened to the voices otherwise.
Daddy apologized for being so distant lately. He told me that it wasn't my fault. It was their fault. The voices'. He said the voices had overtaken Mommy, too, and they had made her so sad that she had killed herself. He said that he was sad because the voices were making me sad, and he didn't want me to kill myself either.
It was a lot to take in.
And the voices got angry.
They told me that Daddy was a big fat liar, and that it was my fault and that I had no reason to believe him. They said that Mommy had died on her own, and that it was her choice, not the voices'.
And I didn't know who to believe anymore.
I've been staying home from school a lot lately. I don't even have enough energy to make a peppermint candy. I used to think it was bad when Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon would tease me about my lisp, but this is so much worse. The voices don't go away.
Daddy asks me every day if I'm fine.
I tell him I am. Just a little put down.
Because I am. I'm just a little put down.
Just a little put down.
Red is my favorite color. Red drips down my leg. I watch it go.
The voices praise me.
The voices are in my head. They're digging out my every weakness. The bullying days. Knowing Apple Bloom had rejected me as a friend. The fact that Mommy was never there. The fact that Daddy was broken, all because of me.
The red continues to drip.
I'm sorry, Daddy. I never meant to hurt you.
I love you.
Goodbye, Daddy.
Fuzzy. Fuzzy, fuzzy darkness. Fuzzy darkness folding away to reveal...light! So much light! It hurts my eyes! But in a way...it's beautiful, too. White. White purity. White used to be one of my favorite colors...
D-Daddy? Is that you? Where am I?
...why am I in the hospital?
Oh. I'm hurt? Why am I hurt?
They told me to do bad things. I was so blind to it all. I thought they were telling me to do the right thing.
No, no, Daddy, it's not your fault! I promise that it's not your fault.
Daddy...stop crying...I'm okay. How long until I'm able to go back to school?
Yes, I want to go back to school. Yes, I'll be okay. Yes, the voices are still there.
Don't worry about me, Daddy. I know how to fight them now.
There's a name for what the voices are doing to me?
Schizophrenia. Schi-zo-phreeenia. That's an ugly word. I don't like it, Daddy. I don't think Mommy liked it either.
Don't cry, Daddy. It's okay. I'm still here...
I love you, Daddy.
...
Daddy?
I think that white is my favorite color.