Pain.
That was the first thing that I registered. Of course, I was no stranger to pain-my desire to improve myself, my skills had practically made me pain’s best friend. I’d taken my share of hard knocks, dislodged shoes and wing sprains. But I had never experienced pain like this. It was as if somepony had set my wings on fire, and then gotten a draftspony to stomp on them, and the rest of me for good measure. An involuntary shift of my wings, brought on by being in one place too much, caused a spike to rip through me, and something between a groan and a scream forced itself out of my throat.
“Night, she’s waking up!” Huh. So apparently somepony else was here. Somepony female, going by the voice. But with my eyes still shut, I couldn’t find out where ‘here’ was. Maybe a hospital. The last thing I can recall before waking up was flying east. That probably meant I was in Manehatten. Maybe Fillydelphia, depending on how far south I’d drifted. I tried to open my eyes, to find out where I was. That was quickly stopped, by way of a cool cloth being draped over my eyes.
“Rest, pegasus.” The second voice was a lot deeper than the first. Clearly a guy, then. Probably this ‘Night’ pony, as I figured it. The voice was still speaking, though, and I strove to listen. “You need to rest. Sleep. We will watch over you.”
Yeah. Sleep sounded good, right now. But I was thirsty.
“Water,” I managed to eke out of my tired throat, “I need water.”
“Here, drink. Slowly.” The female voice from before was back. I felt something pressed against my lips, and I allowed some past. Cool, sweet water trickled down my throat, bringing sweet relief from thirst, and I tried to gulp more down, but it was retracted before I could get any more.
“That’s enough for now, pegasus. Don’t want you getting sick all over again. Now, rest.”
“Where am I? Who are you?” I asked, as my eyelids flickered closed despite my best efforts.
“Sleep. All will become known in time.” Unable to keep my eyes open any longer, I fell back asleep.
****
“Look, we can write the first two incidents off as a desire to test yourself, and unfamiliarity with your wingpony. But pushing past your teammates, your fellow trainees, and endangering yourself, your wingpony and those five visiting ponies can’t just be ignored, Lightning Dust.”
“Ma’am, this is restricted airspace. They shouldn’t have been up here in the first place, Ma’am.”
“I know that, Cadet. They will not be getting away feather-free with it. But that does not excuse your actions. The Wonderbolts have never, ever been about personal gain over team benefits. Yes, we want you to do your best, and there is an element of competition to that. But sacrificing your fellow trainees so you can look good is not allowed. Understood, cadet?”
“Understood, Ma’am.”
“Good. Pack your things.”
“Ma’am?”
“You are being removed from the enrolment list of the Wonderbolt Academy of Advanced Flight, Lightning Dust. You will not be permitted to get back onto that list unless you demonstrate a change in your attitude.”
“This is horseapples, Ma’am! You know I’m a better flyer than Rainbow Dash!”
“Did I say this was about Rainbow Dash, Lightning?”
“She complained to you to get her way, right? Cause she wasn’t lead pony. ‘S why you’re kicking me out, right?”
“Let me make this clear, Lightning Dust. Yes, Rainbow Dash came to me. Twice, in fact. First was to question my decision to make you Lead Pony, given her higher scores on several tests. She accepted my explanation that time. The second time, she voiced her grievances over your methods. Specifically, the use of a tornado in a cloud-clearing exercise, and endangering yourself, her and those friends of hers. She said that if pure recklessness was what the Wonderbolts were looking for, then she wanted no part of it. She did not ‘get her way’, and nor did she complain. Had I not intervened, and reviewed what the assistant instructors were saying about you, she would have left the Academy. Her promotion was a justly given reward for pointing out what I was too blind to see. Dear Celestia, I should have listened to Soarin’ earlier when he said you could be trouble.”
“Ma’am?”
“Just go, Lightning Dust. Go, before I buck you out of here.”
****
I awoke in a cold sweat, the cloth still over my eyes. I hadn’t even been out of the Academy a week, and I was already having nightmares about it. Oh, If only Rainbow-freaking-Dash could see me now. She’d probably get a laugh out of this. I shifted around on my bedding, trying to get comfortable again. Strange, it didn’t feel like a hospital bed. Much more organic. And it definitely wasn’t a cloud, which meant I was probably in the care of Earth Ponies. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t quite remember how I’d crashed, but I evidently had. My body still felt like it was on fire, but it had dulled now. I could hear hoofsteps growing closer to me, and then one of the voices from before spoke.
“Hey, pegasus. How are you feeling?” It was the female again.
“Like a mountain fell on top of me. What happened to me?”
“You took a lightning strike to the back. Right between the wings.” I winced under the cloth mask. Between a pegasi’s wings lay a very sensitive cluster of nerves and muscles that more or less governed flight, and every pegasus was taught to avoid getting hit there. But still, a normal lightning strike couldn’t have done this, and I said as much to my carer.
“It wasn’t a normal storm you flew into. It was a Wild storm, which means that everything is much, much stronger. But hey, I can take your covering off, if you like.” I nodded, and I felt a muzzle brush against mine, and then the cloth was removed. I opened my eyes.
Or at least, I thought I did. All I could see was endless darkness, maybe a few vague shapes.
“Umm...” I uttered, and there was a gasp of surprise, a sigh, and the sound of a hoof smacking against flesh.
“Oh, of course. I keep forgetting you aren’t like us. My bad.” A few moments later, there was the sound of flint and steel, and a fire was lit. Its glow lit up the space I was in. I looked around. I was in a cave, the walls dark and wet. Moss grew in the cracks, white from lack of sunlight. The floor was sandy, and a look down at my bedding revealed I had been lying on a pile of skins from bears, and what looked like a manticore. But mostly, my attention was on the other pony in the cave.
As I thought, she was a mare. But what I wasn’t expecting was her race. She wasn’t an earth pony, as I had thought. She was...well, bat pony was the best descriptor I could honestly come up with. Her ears were curiously pointed, and one seemed to be set further back on her head than the other one. Her coat was a dark blue, and her mane was in a lighter shade of blue, but still very dark. Her wings were folded at her sides, but rather than the feathered ones on my own back, they were leathery flaps of skin stretched between the outlining bones. But it was her eyes that commanded most of my attention. They were bright yellow, with slit pupils and were vibrant and full of compassion as they looked over me.
“What are you?” the question spilled out of my mouth before I could stop it. Rather than take offense, the mare giggled.
“I’m a batpony, duh. Haven’t you ever heard about us?”
“Nope.” After my response, I could see the mare switch from her casual smile to a frown, her eyes narrowing in thought, and her wings ruffling, like most pegasi did when in deep thought.
“You haven’t heard about batponies? But the Princess said that she would tell everypony about us...”
“But I’m sure you’re cool. Name’s Lightning Dust,” I said, shifting the conversation away from a possibly uncomfortable topic, “What’s yours?” Rather than set the bat pony at ease, this only set her more on edge.
“Night says we shouldn’t get too close to our patients...” her voice trailed off, and she looked around, glancing everywhere except at me.
“Screw him,” I declared, causing her eyes to lock back to me, “I want to know your name.”
“It’s Lunar Remedy,” said the mare, turning to show me her cutie mark, a cross set against a full moon. “But most just call me Remedy, or Rem. Oh! Here comes Night.” I watched the mare turn, facing the opposite wall of the cave, where there appeared to be an opening I hadn’t seen. Out of it emerged a very obviously male pony, with the same rough colour scheme as Remedy, but a shade or two lighter, and was again, a batpony, carrying a sack full of something in his mouth.
“Night, this is Lightning Dust. Lightning Dust, this is Night Wind. He’s my brother. He was also the one who found you.” Night Wind gave me a short nod, and then went back to taking something out of the sack.
“He’s not very talkative,” stage-whispered Remedy. I just nodded in reply, and Night Wind gave a very obvious roll of his eyes, before going back to his task.
A while later, I found out what had been in the sack- food. Most of it was standard pony faire; daisies, roses, and even a few tulips, which were my personal favourite, though if you tell anypony that, I’ll kill you. As Night Wind placed the bowl full of flowers in front of me, I suddenly realised exactly how hungry I was. I hadn’t eaten in Celestia knows how long. It didn’t take me long to demolish the bowl, and I was done well before either of my carers.
“Somepony was hungry,” said Remedy with a brief chuckle, and I settled back down to sleep.
****
“Look, Lightning, I didn’t rat you out because I think you’re better than me, or because I’m jealous. I told Spitfire because you started something you couldn’t control. We were way ahead even before you started that tornado. There was no need for it; it was just you trying to look good.”
“You think you’re so special, don’t you, Rainbow? Just because you can perform a Sonic Rainboom. Some of us actually have to work to be this good, you know.”
“Hey. I used to be called Rainbow Crash back in Flight School. And you know what? I deserved it. I was always jumping ahead, going into things I couldn’t handle. And I paid the price. I’ve broken wings, records and friendships. I’ve crashed more times than I care to count, or is safe. So yeah, I earned my skills, Lighting. It also means I know what showing off for the sake of showing off looks like, and you have it written all over your feathering hind.”
****
I jerked awake with a gasp, my chest heaving. Another nightmare. Another relived memory from the academy. Why the heck was it affecting me so much? Sure, it was my dream, but it was deeper than that, somehow. I’d applied and been rejected before. Similar things had happened with my local performance team. So why the hell was the Wonderbolt Academy still haunting my dreams? I thought I’d be over it by now. For the first time in what felt like ages, I could feel tears brimming at the edges of my eyes. Before I could do anything about it, I could feel them sliding out of my eyes and down my cheeks.
I was surprised when a pair of strong hooves wrapped around me. Even more so when a look through watery eyes revealed it was Night Wind, not the more compassionate Lunar Remedy. He didn’t say anything; just let me sit there in the darkness, crying like a stupid little filly. After I’d finished bawling my eyes out, he got me another bowl of water, and then settled me back down to sleep.
I didn’t have another nightmare that night.
****
Time passed. I’m not sure how much. Most of my ‘days’ were spent asleep. Remedy said that because the lightning had hit me between my wings, I needed a lot of bed rest while my nervous system got itself back in order, and it was just easier to spend it asleep. But over time, the pain that wracked my body began to fade, thanks to daily doses of some weird-tasting berry mush made by Night, and careful massages from Remedy. It eventually got down to a level where I could move without my back sparking up in agony. That was when Remedy began to let me move around the cave, which was an absolute joy. I hated being still.
“Take it easy, Lightning. You’ve been bedridden for a while,” said Remedy, a smile spreading across her face as I trotted around the cave, closely inspecting all the things that I had only been able to see from afar before. It felt good to be moving again, even if Remedy had still forbidden me from using my wings.
“I’ll be fine, Remedy. There’s nothing that can keep me down for long.”
“Just don’t break a leg. I don’t want to have to treat you all over again, Lightning. But come on,” said Remedy, beckoning with her hoof as she moved to one of the openings in the cave wall, “I wanna show you something.” With some care, I followed Remedy through the tunnel in the rock, casually noting that she didn’t seem to walk the same way as other ponies. Instead of a steady rhythm like I was keeping up, she seemed to stalk, her body kept oddly low, a wider stance than most, her tail waving back and forth. It reminded me of one of my neighbour’s cats when on the prowl. She led me through twists and turns, and we eventually emerged out of the cave in a clearing on the surface, surrounded by sheer cliffs. A small waterfall fell into a pool at the edge of the clearing, and the full moon shone above me. I breathed in the fresh air, happy to be out of the cave for a while.
I was startled by a series of clicks and hisses coming from behind me, and at first, I thought some monster had crept up on me. I turned around as fast as I dared, only to find that the only thing there was Remedy, who was standing there, making the strange sounds that had surprised me. As I was about to ask what she was doing, a firefly floated past me. Then two. Then three, and before long, a whole stream of the glowing bugs was flying around the sunken clearing, lighting it with their gentle glow, and dancing around the two of us. I’m not normally one for poetry and stuff, but this honestly took my breath away. It was just...spectacular. And then Remedy burped.
“Whoops,” she said, covering her mouth with a hoof, “I got a little hungry.”
“Wait,” I said, “You ate one of the bugs? Eww.”
“We batponies live off different things than you dayponies. Bugs are a big part of our diet. But this here, this was me making sure that the glowbugs keep reproducing. See, I and my brother are from Clan Glowbug, which means that we look after all the glowbugs in Equestria.”
“And it’s just you two?”
“Oh no,” said Remedy, as we began to make our way back to the entrance to the tunnel back to the cave, “There’s other members of our clan scattered all over, taking care of different regions and stuff, and there’s other clans for different bugs. We’re just the only two around here.” As Remedy talked, I noticed that her teeth seemed oddly pointed for a pony, and couldn’t keep quiet about it.
“Do you have...fangs?” I asked. As a confused expression crossed Remedy’s face, I wondered if I’d said something wrong, but then she laughed, and showed them off. Sure enough, all of her teeth were pointed to a degree, but her incisors were much longer and sharper than the rest, making her look like a vampire.
“Cool, aren’t they? I think they’re mostly there for show, though. We mostly eat bugs, not suck blood.”
“Yeah, I guess,” I said. Like in most ponies, pointed teeth conjured up images of predators, which made me nervous. It was mostly playing off old, inborn instincts from when ponies had not been the masters of their world, and I knew that, but it didn’t stop the feeling of unease when looking at Remedy’s bared fangs. Luckily, Remedy seemed to pick up on this, and stopped showing off her fangs as we made our way back into the cave.
****
Time passes slowly when you can’t really go anywhere, and when you don’t have the sun or moon to gauge the passage of time, you fall back on basic instincts. I slept when I was tired, ate when I was hungry and did everything I could to not be bored when not doing those two things. I’d never been one to stay in one place for much longer than I absolutely had to, and being unable to use my wings was pure torture. Still, at least I had Remedy and Night to talk to. Okay, so maybe Night didn’t talk back much, usually only offering a noise of agreement every now and again, but he seemed to not mind my incessant chatter about anything, just to stave off the boredom. Remedy seemed happy to talk with me for a while each time I was awake. Both batponies seemed to come and go at odd times, and they were never together in the cave for very long. But I did learn more about them. Night was the older brother by a few years, and they were both born here in ‘Glowbug Grotto’ as they called it. From the way they described it, I also managed to get a pin on where in Equestria I was. From my best guess, I’d crashed somewhere in the eastern regions of the Everfree forest. That also explained why I’d run into a wild storm-the Everfree Forest was notorious around Equestria for producing nasty wild weather.
My reliving of my last day at the Wonderbolt Academy had also slightly lessened-Now it was only every second ‘night’ that I awoke, either sweating or screaming. But no matter how frequently the dreams came, they were always the same-It would involve my classmates or instructors chewing me out, pointing out every single one of my flaws without remorse. I knew I had a bit of an attitude, but surely that was forgivable, right? All the best flyers had egos-it just came with the territory. And hey, when you were as good as I was, it was understandable. But the real thing getting me was the constant repetition of either ‘Showing off for the sake of showing off’ or ‘sacrificing other ponies to make yourself look good’, both of which confused me. Sure, I’d pushed past a few ponies, but wasn’t it their own fault that they weren’t able to correct in time?
****
Another night, another unexpected awakening. But not from a nightmare, this time. I don’t know what woke me up, but as I settled back down to go back to sleep, I could hear voices. It was Remedy and Night, talking in hushed tones.
“Look, how much longer is she going to be here, Rem? I’m all for helping her get better, but if she stays for much longer, things will get awkward.”
“She should be fit to leave within the next week or so. The muscle spasms have all but stopped, and her wings seem in fine shape now. She could probably start making practice flights to get back into the swing of it tomorrow.” I gave a silent cheer, glad to hear that I was nearly healed, and continued listening. I could hear Night sigh in what sounded like relief.
“That’s good. It’s been hard, keeping this hidden. She’s a nice pony. She doesn’t deserve to know that.” So, they were keeping a secret from me. I briefly debated trying to find out about it, but if I was going to be out of here in a week, there was no point.
“Yeah,” I heard Remedy continue, “And with winter coming, I don’t know how much longer we could have kept it hidden.” There was the sound something being shuffled around, and then I couldn’t hear any more. Already tired from being awakened suddenly, it wasn’t long before I fell asleep again.
****
I didn’t have any more encounters like that night since then. Heck, even my usual reliving of the Academy was barely affecting me. Perhaps it was the thought of finally being able to fly again. To somepony like me, not being able to fly is like you not being able to breathe – life without it just seems pointless. I would honestly rather die than give up my ability to fly, and despite my feelings about her, I knew that Rainbow Dash felt the same-nopony pushes themselves to that level if they don’t love being in the air more than life itself. That first practice flight around the cave the next time I woke up, even under the watchful eye of both Night and Remedy, felt like pure bliss. Even as short as it was, it was a sign that everything would be all right. As long as I had my wings, nothing could ever go wrong, and I was feeling back on form. Sure, that first flight was a bit weak, and I felt like I was a foal learning to fly all over again, but the important thing was that I was in the air. For those few minutes, it was like the world ceased to exist, and there was just me, and my flapping wings.
****
The next few days for me consisted of a lot of flying, though under strict supervision from either Night or Remedy. The cave that they lived in was fairly tall, plenty of room for me to flap around to my heart’s content. Sure, it wasn’t the same as a clear open sky, but it was better than nothing. Without any way to exactly tell how long had passed down here, I had no idea how much longer I needed to stay down here until I could fly out safely, though I had a feeling that if I tried to sneak out early, Remedy would tackle me down and tie me to my bed until I was ready. Besides, if I truly was somewhere in the Everfree Forest, I’d need all my strength to just make it out of it. And I knew that so soon after recovering from an injury like the one that had grounded me, I’d be nowhere near where I had been while at the Academy. It sunk in, then. I don’t know how I’d been avoiding it, but I realised it. I was off my form. A form which had taken me years to reach, and would probably take me years to reach again. Sure, I’d always been naturally gifted at flight, but a setback like this...I had no idea where I stood physically now.
A quick test, then. Something simple, just to see if I still had some of my old skill left. I flew up to near the top of the cave, judging the distance as I flew. One mistake in here, and I could wind up with bigger problems than being out of shape.
Yeah, It looked like I had just enough room for a dive, and then into a loop. Simple enough. The only problem was the confined space. Still, I’d done loops in tighter spaces than this before. A quick look around the cave told me that both Night and Remedy were out-probably tending to the fireflies, or whatever it was they did while not watching over me. Perfect. I dived, at a relatively steep angle. I needed all the speed I could get in the tight space. I pulled out of the dive, arcing upwards and around. My hooves brushed the ceiling of the cave, and I revelled in the thrill of coming so close. I was once again the mistress of the air.
Or at least, I thought I was. As I came down, completing the loop, I realised that I was going much, much too fast, and I hadn’t left enough room to stop. The only thing I had time to do was brace for impact. This was gonna hurt.
****
I came to with both Night and Remedy standing over me.
“Okay, before you say anything, I know that this was my fault,” I managed to squeeze in before either of them started yelling. But they surprised me. Rather than immediately get on my case, Remedy just gave an exasperated sigh, and moved to check over my wings. As she ran her hooves over my wings, Night explained.
“Just because we’re batponies, doesn’t mean we don’t have the same desire for flight that pegasi do. We understand how you’d want to get back into the air as soon as possible, and want to start building yourself back up for the Wonderbolt Academy.” As I was about to question how he knew that I’d been booted out of the academy, Night just shrugged, and
said “You talk in your sleep, Lightning.”
Just then, Remedy found the spot where I’d injured my wing, and I let out a hiss of pain. Remedy immediately retracted her hoof.
“Lightning, I know this is going to hurt, but I do need to feel what happened to your wing. Just bear with it for a bit longer.”
I nodded, and Night picked up a stick from the pile of firewood, and placed it in my mouth.
“Okay, go.” I muttered around the stick, and Remedy’s hooves went back to feeling out the extent of the injury. To bear with the pain, I bit down on the stick and grunted as Remedy’s hooves found a particularly painful section. After a few more minutes, Remedy announced that she was done.
“Well?” said Night, “What’s the damage?”
“Broken, at the very least. It seems to be a clean break from what I can feel, but it doesn’t change the fact that you aren’t going anywhere for another week, at least,” said Remedy, with a half-hearted glare at me. I spat the stick out and a groan escaped me, as my ears fell down.
“And I’d really hoped to be back in the air by now,” I muttered. Remedy just smiled, and moved off to fetch some bandages, while Night fixed me some more of that weird berry paste stuff. It tasted strange, but it was also great for pain relief, and helped with healing.
****
Being laid up, injured again so soon after getting back in the air was a horrible feeling. For the rest of the day, I just cursed my own stupidity. How could I have forgotten that because I was only just recovering, that I would need more time to stop than I usually did? Remedy had bound up my wing, and reset the bone, and I was once again stuck on my makeshift bed in the cave, with little to do to pass the time.
But as time wore on, I noticed that both of my carers seemed to be almost going out of their way to avoid me. For Night, who’d been fairly distant from me in the first place, it wasn’t that much of a change, but Remedy started retreating into herself as well. At first I thought it may have just been some batpony thing, that maybe they were tired from whatever it was that they were doing when not looking after me. But it was more than that. I’ve never claimed to be the best expert on reading other ponies’ moods and body language, but this was blindingly obvious. Both of them were getting nervous about something. I mean like really nervous. They were practically twitching every time they were around me.
It was at this point that I remembered that conversation that I had accidentally overheard. At the time, I hadn’t been concerned about the secret that they had potentially been hiding. But now that I was going to be here for a longer than I had thought, my interest had been sparked. Normally, I wasn’t interested in other ponies’ secrets-they were their own business. But I had grown close to both Remedy and Night while I was laid up, and despite myself, I wanted to know what the secret they thought was so terrible that they had to keep it from me. If nothing else, it would give me something to think about. But I wasn’t so insensitive as to simply ask them. I had more tact than that, though I might not always show it. So I just decided to casually observe, to see if I could pick up any hints about what it might be.
****
Once more, I was woken up from my sleep. Once I was awake, I quickly found out what had woken me up. Both Night and
Remedy were standing over me, and Remedy was crying. Her tears were falling onto my chest, and that was what had roused me from my slumber.
“We’re so very sorry we have to do this, Lightning. But we’re out of options now.”
“What are you guys talking about? Remedy? Night?” I asked, beginning to sit, but Night gently pushed me back down.
“Did you know that our saliva is a natural anaesthesia, Lightning? It’s what we use in our salves on your wings,” said Night, as Remedy fell forwards and continued to cry into my stomach.
“Really? That’s kinda disgusting.”
“That’s not all,” continued Night, his own eyes beginning to water up a bit, “We also produce a venom that can kill a pony in a few minutes.”
“Why would you guys even have something like that?”
“We batponies are almost exclusively...carnivores. We eat meat, Lightning,” Remedy sobbed into my chest, and suddenly, a lot of things made sense. Why I was lying on a pile of bear skins. Why the two batponies never seemed to eat with me. Why they disappeared for long periods of time.
“I know what carnivore means, Remedy. But what’s this have to do with me?”
“With winter almost here, all the animals have gone into hibernation, or are on high alert while gathering food. For us to go out now, and try and take down a bear would be suicide.”
“Still not seeing how this equates to you apologising to me...” I said, an uncertain note creeping into my voice. I didn’t like where this seemed to be going, but I had to make sure.
“Our food stores have gotten low, Lightning. If we’re going to survive this winter, we need to eat,” said Night, “And unfortunately, you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Normally, we have stores in reserve, but with your first crash, we didn’t have time to gather as much as normal,” explained Night, “And had you not had your second, you would have been gone by now, and we would have managed.” Remedy had pulled back from my chest, but was still uncomfortably close, well within my personal space. Her tears were still falling, and she simply kept whispering ‘I’m so sorry’ over and over again.
“We really didn’t want to have to do this. Rem, are you sure that Lightning’s wing isn’t ready to take her out of here?”
“I’m sure,” hiccupped Remedy, pulling her face up from my torso, “Her wing is in no shape to carry her weight, and she needs it to get out of here. Lightning, we don’t like eating ponies. But sometimes, we have no choice. Sometimes, a pony falls in here, and without wings, they can’t get out. We...do our best to ease their suffering. And we make sure that nothing goes to waste.”
With that, Remedy lunged forwards, her prominent fangs sinking into the side of my neck, and I swore that I could feel the venom that Night had mentioned mixing with my blood, and working its way around my system. I lost all feeling below my neck pretty quickly. By the time that Night and Remedy were kneeling on either side of me, I couldn’t feel anything at all.
“For what it’s worth, Lightning, we never wanted to do this. But oh dearest Luna, you smell delicious...” said Remedy. Even as she said it, though, I could still see her tears dripping off of her face, and landing on my numb torso, and a hint of drool making its way out her mouth. The last thing I saw before my vision darkened, and the venom shut down my brain, was Remedy sinking her sharp predator teeth into my side, and Night beginning to lean down to take a bite of his own.
“We’re so sorry...”
Author's Note
My entry into EqD's batpony write-off. Let's see how this goes...
