Paul and Halo Man: Christmas Special
It was one of those days. Space days, to be exact, as at that very moment, Paul, our protagonistic sex raptor, was in space. His state-of-the-art super space ship careened through the expansive vacuum at speeds that would make even the quickest of racing cheetahs jealous. It was mostly on fire, and all kinds of alarms blared, signifying that something was clearly wrong. On board, Paul sat comfortably in the bridge, reclined in his expensive, crocodile-leather captain's chair. He idly rubbed a claw through his unkept beard, wondering what each of the different buttons on the control panel did. You'd think he'd know this, seeing as he'd built that very ship with his own two clawed-appendages, but that just goes to show how little you know.
A loud bang rocked the ship, catching Paul's attention. "Well fuck, there goes my supply of giant space-popcorn." Now he'd have nothing to eat while watching giant space-movies. Deciding to do something before his whole ship exploded like an even gianter space-popcorn, Paul leaned forward and pressed a talon into a random button on the dashboard. Suddenly, a hatch opened in the bottom of the space craft, and Paul's entire DVD collection, including but not limited to the complete works of Nicolas Cage, were sucked out the airlock.
Paul's raptor mouth dropped open in horror as he watched the priceless artifacts drift off into the inky blackness of the universe through the rear-view mirror. A solitary, and insanely-salty, tear rolled halfway down his scaly cheek before he remembered that he's a man, and men don't cry. The tear was sucked back into his tear gland via osmosis so fast, it was almost like Paul never cried at all. Almost...
Deciding that he had no other option, Paul pushed yet another button, remaining hopeful that one would help in some way. This one engaged the oil slicks, the "black gold" bursting into flames the second it was exposed to the fire that encompassed the entire vessel. With the added afterburners, his ship propelled forward even quicker, now starting to shake from all the space friction.
"It looks like I'm in a real pickle now," observed Paul as he crawled out of a giant pickle. At that exact moment, his ship flew past a live studio audience out in space, and they laughed at his conveniently-timed joke. Another button pushed, only for Paul to receive a comedic pie to the face.
Now he was getting annoyed. "This is bullshit. Are none of these buttons going to be exactly what I need and solve all my problems?" he waved his arms around in the air, thoroughly upset with the current state of affairs. Unfortunately, Paul's situation only got worse, as a new siren started up, this one informing him of his imminent demise.
"Warning. Entering unknown planet's upper atmosphere."
Paul looked out the windshield and, no surprise, a huge blue and green planet was fast approaching. Or rather, he was approaching it. He looked frantically for a way to steer the ship in order to avoid an imminent collision, but the steering wheel had been torn away in Paul's recent fight with a monstrous burrito. In fact, that burrito was to blame for most of what was happening. Fucking burritos...
With no clear way to steer the ship, it looked like a crash was inevitable. "Computron," Paul addressed his ship's built-in computron. "What is the probability of survival?"
The computron took a brief moment to calculate a whole universe of probable outcomes and statistics before responding in its lifeless voice. "Probability of death... ONE-HUNDRED PERCENT!"
Paul was afraid of that answer. "Well fuck..." As the ship entered further into the atmosphere it become even more on fire, hurtling towards the ground like a wrecking ball.
Meanwhile, down below in a quaint little town called 'Ponyville', Halo man sat idly in Sugarcube Corner. His pony friend, Pinkie Pie, was in the other room, preparing a hearty meal for herself and the halo. Oh, and all her friends were there too.
He remained still, watching the adorable little ponies converse through his orange-visored face. It was shaped remotely like a skull, and his armor was a gorgeous lavender, making him look almost like a robotic version of Skeletor.
"I wonder what Pinkie is cooking up in there," stated Rainbow Dash as she rubbed a hoof through her unkept beard. Her big, pony nostrils flared as she sucked in a lung-full of life-giving air. "It smells delicious."
"I'll say!" Said Applejack sayingly.
Halo man absently nodded his head in agreement, smelling whatever was cooking in the other room through his visor. He rubbed his gauntletted fingers through his unkept beard as he thought of what it could possibly be. He didn't have to wait long for the answer, as the saloon-style double-doors to the kitchen were kicked open. Out sauntered Pinkie Pie with a covered tray balanced precariously on her little pony back.
"All the little Pinksters know what I'm cookin' up. Oh yeah," exclaimed the pink one. Pinkie Pie is the magical pony reincarnation of Hulk Hogan, after all. She made her way over to the table before sliding the tray onto the wooden surface with such dexterity. Wow.
Twilight Sparkle, being the impatient bitch that she is, quickly used her magic to remove the cover from the tray revealing the thoroughly-cooked ham that lay beneath. She couldn't help but salivate as she undressed the delicious meat with her eyes. "I'm gonna eat you," she whispered to it seductively as one of her hoofs inched its way towards her swimsuit-area.
"Hold on a moment," called Rarity, drawing everyone's attention away from the delectable ham and to herself. Being the attention whore that she is, this really wasn't anything unusual. "What's the occasion?"
Pinkie smiled a knowing smile. Having used her secret magical artifacts to scry all possible timelines when no one was around, she knew exactly what was coming. She played it off as though she had some kind of sixth sense, though, because she thought it was hilarious that the other ponies actually believed that 'Pinkie sense' bullshit. Her tail began wagging crazily and she hopped around the room spastically. "Twitchy tail!"
"Do you need to see a doctor?" asked Halo man halfmindedly as he stared at the gorgeous ham that lay before him. "I'm going to eat you," he whispered to it, just quiet enough that no one could catch his words, as one of his hands snaked its way down to his crotch plate.
Twilight was about to butt in about how something was about to fall, and that the group should brace themselves, when there was a thundering crash from outside, shaking the entire building. Anything not bolted down was tossed to the floor, and the wooden building creaked and groaned as though it was about to collapse at any moment. All the little ponies hit the deck, while Halo man remained where he was. He was so used to explosions he didn't even give one half of a shit.
After a few moments the dust that had been kicked up began to settle, and the group pushed themselves up off the ground. "Oh no," screamed Rarity. "I'm all dusty now." Sure enough, she was covered in dust, making her look almost like one of those dirty, unwashed Zebras.
Deciding to ignore such an in-character thing for the white pony to say, Twilight came to the conclusion that it was her turn to speak up. "What the hay just happened?" Without waiting for an answer, she pushed her way out the front door. The ponies, and also Halo man, followed after her curiously. It didn't take long to see what had caused the noise, as right outside the door lay a huge pile of twisted, burning metal.
Halo man had seen enough exploded alien space ships to know an exploded alien space ship when he saw an exploded alien space ship. "That looks just like an exploded alien space ship," he stated.
Twilight looked at him, her eyes full of wonder and fear at the same time somehow. "A-a-a-aliens?!"
"It's pronounced 'aliens', ya' dringus," shot back Halo man like a smart ass. "Don't worry though, judging by how exploded that ship is, I doubt anything could have possibly survived the crash. Everyone on board likely suffered a horrible, painful fate. Be it from suffocation out in space, burning to death, or having all their organs rearranged on impact, they, no doubt, felt an excruciating amount of pain in their final moments. Let's take a moment of silence to honor their timely deaths."
After remaining silent for a solid eight seconds, Halo man decided that he was tired of waiting and turned from the downed alien vessel, ready to go back inside Sugar Cube Corner. "Well, no reason to spend all our time out here, let's go devour that ham in Bungie's holy name."
He was hardly able to take two steps before a new sound came from the immolated wreckage. A solid clang rang out, then another and another. Halo man turned back, looking more closely at the alien ship with his special halo eyes. No way anything could have survived a crash like that. That would just be retarded...
And he was right to think that. No thing could survive such a horrendous crash. But Paul isn't just some thing. He's a sex raptor. With one more mighty kick, Paul pushed away a huge hunk of rubble, freeing himself from what remained of his ship. He stepped out of the gap, ignoring the flames, and walking right up to the group of ponies and one halo. He had a huge sack on his shoulder, and a tie, somehow untouched by the fires, hanging limp from his neck.
"Oh, well this is certainly awkward," he stated, making eye contact with each of the surprised ponies in turn. "I really gotta stop, dropping in." He laughed briefly at his joke, before noticing that his skin was slightly on fire.
"More like you got to stop, drop, and roll," joked Halo man who wasn't in the least bit phased at seeing an alien dinosaur crawl from the rubble of a crashed space ship. Stupid shit like this happened all the time on halo world.
"Meh," commented Paul who is a shitty OP character and, therefore, doesn't care about fire. "Like I give a shit. Anyway, I didn't mean to crash land here again. I was testing a new, super swank worm hole generator on my space ship when I remembered I had left my burrito in the oven for too long. I meant to enjoy a hearty meal of meat, tortilla, and beans, but the spiteful thing had other plans. It burst into flames and exploded... Next thing I knew, everything was on fire and I was hurtling out of control in a strange section of space. Then I crashed here in pony world... again. Think of the chances of that."
Halo man regarded this strange alien dinosaur who seemed to know all the ponies with a critical visor-eye, sizing him up and wondering if he should just skip straight to the part where he fills him with bullets. The unethical slaughter of all non-halos is what all bungie-loving halos strive for, after all. Eventually, even these adorable ponies would know his wrath first-hand. It was only a matter of time... Then he looked at Paul's huge sack, noting how large and saggy it was. "What's in the bag?"
"It's a surprise," stated Paul cryptically. "Anyway, I see you're no longer brain-dead Rarity. That's good. And Twilight, how's the lobster-pony hybrid baby?"
The ponies gave Paul a strange look, before Twilight herself decided to address him. "Look here you weird, alien reptile. I don't know who you are, or why you're here, but..." She trailed off, realizing she didn't know how to respond to his question. "What baby?"
Paul's eyes widened somewhat, and he looked around, taking in all the surroundings while muttering to himself. "Strange, I remember leaving Ponyville in ruins... And Canterlope was pretty destroyed too. Not to mention all the ponies hated me and wanted me dead. Something strange is going on here." Then he had an epiphany. He'd read enough sub-par fanfics to know that, when set on fire, or impacted the wrong way, or struck by lightning, or messed with at all, really, worm hole generators opened up portals to alternate dimensions. That's poorly-thought-out fiction 101. "Oh, I see. I must be in an alternate pony world. That makes perfect sense."
Halo man tapped a foot impatiently as he crossed his arms. "Yeah, yeah. That's real neat and all, but we have a ham in there, and I'm gonna go shove it into my visor."
"A ham?" question Paul. "Is it Christmas already?"
Pinkie Pie hopped forward, waving her forelegs around in a grand display. "Yep! I made everyone a Christmas ham because it's Christmas."
"Woah, good thing I salvaged this bag of gifts that I kept specifically for this occasion from my ship," replied Paul.
"Hold on," butted in Halo man before anyone else could say anything stupid and irrelevant. "It's Christmas already? I thought it was like, the middle of summer, or April or something." Who even knows when Christmas is? I certainly don't.
"Of course it's Christmas. Why else would I have made ham?" questioned Pinkie.
"That's a good question," stated Halo man. It was one he had no answer to. With that logic, it must be Christmas. "Well then, let's go celebrate by eating that fucking ham."
"Sounds good to me!" agreed Paul. The group was about to make its way inside to start their dark feast, when Twilight once again decided to interrupt, her thirst for knowledge empowered by her immense confusion spurring her on.
"Wait, what?! An alien reptile monster falls from the sky-"
"I'm a sex raptor."
"An alien sex raptor, whatever the heck that is, falls from the sky, and we invite it in for Christmas dinner? And, also, what's Christmas?"
Halo man, Paul, and Pinkie Pie gasped in unison, sucking mols upon mols of air into their lungs. "These drecks don't even know about Christmas?" Paul asked in shock.
"I didn't even know..." Continued Halo man, more than a little upset at the prospect of these cute, tiny horses not knowing about such a glorious holiday.
"Don't worry guys," announced Pinkie. "We'll just go inside and show you what Christmas is." Now that was an idea Paul and Halo man could get behind, and they rushed into Sugar Cube Corner excitedly.
"Wowee, wowee, zowee," squeeled Paul like an excited teenage girl. "I can't wait to give them their presents."
"Did you get me a present?" asked Halo man absentmindedly as he moved over to the table. He had waited far too long, and his patience-gland was growing dry and stale, its internal goo-reserves having been exhausted minutes ago. Without another word, he wrapped his big, good, strong hands around the base of the ham, lifting it up to his visor. The aroma of the cooked pig flesh was overpowering, and he felt himself salivating through his visor. Without further adieu, he shoved the meat into his face, absorbing it via osmosis through his polarized visor. It sunk into his head, and he consumed it with glutinous glee. "Oooooooh, that's so good," he moaned through his face-full of meat.
Across the room, Paul answered his question as he pulled up a chair and took a seat. "Were you good this year?"
Halo man removed the hot, succulent meat from his face before responding. "Of course, I'm good at everything." He decided not to mention that he couldn't swim at all, or do loads of other things well either.
By now, all the ponies had filed in, and were focused on the raptor in their midsts. Paul wasted no time getting right into the tale of Christmas and how it all began. "It all started 31 million years ago in a swamp. Shrek, The Onion Lord, was enjoying his life in peace and harmony."
It was one of those Shrek days and Shrek was cruisin' in his swamp hood, droppin' beats and haters like nothing. He walked up to some swank-ass ogre babe, pulling down his sunglasses and takin' a peep at dem onion titties. "Damn, lassie. I'm gonna peel you out of those clothes." She had no say in it, not that she'd ever refuse Shrek, as he's no messenger boy, he's a delivery boy. He picked her up and tossed her to the ground before ripping his linen pants into shreds like they were made of tissue paper. His absolutely gargantuan ogre dick glistened in the sunlight, already moist with onion juice. "Lick on the nuts and suck the dick," he ordered.
"Wait a second," interrupted Twilight. "What does this have to do with anything?"
Paul's eyes narrowed as he glared at the purple pony that had interrupted his recount of one of the many times Shrek fucked an ogre bitch. "I'm trying to tell my story."
"But do you have to go in to such detail?" she pestered.
Paul sighed, realizing that Twilight was just going to be a complete boner kill. "Fine, I'll just skip to the important parts... Now where was I...? Oh yes. And so it was on a cold winter morn, on December 24th 1981 where this tail truly begins. Alone in a manger, no crib for a bed, little baby Jesus lay down his sweet head. You see, his mother, an illegal immigrant from Mexico had snuck across the border and spawned her brood on U.S. soil. Because of faulty laws in America, however, the disgusting sub-human child was automatically an American citizen, so it wasn't able to be deported away. But it's not until over thirty years later when this story truly picks up..."
The tale went on for over an hour, recalling all of Shrek's adventures and accomplishments, which there were quite a few of. Eventually, Paul came to the end of his story. "And so, each year, Shrek visited all the good people of the Earth, filling their anuses with his onion juice and giving them scrumptious onions to feast on while also purging all the farquads. Eventually, Shrek ascended to the heavens, watching over humanity from his onion throne, and it was up to people to carry on his legacy. Of course, now people just give out random gifts instead of onions for whatever reason. I can't remember why..." How the story transitioned to Shrek again from Jesus is a mystery to all but me.
The ponies were speechless after receiving such a long, and no doubt bullshit, story about the origin of Christmas. Across the room, Halo man had just finished devouring the entire ham, and turned to see that the story was winding to a close. "That was a really good ham, Pinkie," he complimented.
At the sound of this, everyone turned to see that the ham was missing. A tear ran down Twilight's face from one of her huge eyes. She really wanted to devour that ham. She really, really wanted it.
"Good!" yelled Paul. "Now that the ham has been devoured, we can move on to my favorite part. Giving out presents!"
Pinkie Pie clapped her hooves together excitedly. She already knew this was going to be the best Christmas ever. "What did I get? What did I get?" She bounced around on her tentacle-like walking-appendages as Paul fished a box from his massive sack. It was moderately big, and wrapped in red paper. He handed it to her, a huge smile on his face as he watched her paw away at the paper with her adorable little toes. Eventually she removed it all and opened up the box hidden beneath, only to gasp in surprise as she pulled out her gift.
"An AA-12 with a custom scope and a drum magazine? How'd you know?!" she squealed excitedly.
"I had a hunch." Paul then reached back into his sack, pulling forth another box from its confines. He read the tag, then smiled as he looked over at the retarded orange one who had, as of yet, been pretty quiet. "This one is for you... uh... orange one." He still couldn't remember most of the ponies' names, especially not insignificant ones like her.
Applejack looks at her friends in mild confusion, having been just following along this whole time, before taking the gift in her magical hoof-grip. Her uncertainty was immediately shattered as she looked inside, only to find a new pair of legs. "Well I'll be, some new buckin' legs!" She pulled them out of the box, examining their glossy orange exterior, and the racing stripe that ran from thigh to hoof. "And they look brand spankin' new!"
"I made them myself," admitted Paul. "Oh, and check out the little lights on the bottom. They light up every time you take a step!"
Applejack couldn't be any more euphoric as she unscrewed her old, sweaty, rusty, smelly, stinkin' legs, and tossed them in a nearby trashcan. She screwed the new ones in, noting how nice they felt. "Kickin' trees is gonna be a breeze now. Thank ya' Paul. I reckon' you're not so bad after all."
"No problem. Just remember to keep them dry..." He decided not to go into detail on what would happen if they got wet, and instead reached back into his bag. After a moment, he pulled out a tiny box. "Oh, this one is for you, Rarirar."
She smiled and opened it, only to find a potato inside. Her smile vanished as she looked at the starchy vegetable with disdain. "A potato..?"
"I know how much you love potatoes." Moving on, Paul pulled a tiny envelope from his bag. "This one is for you Rainbow." He handed it over, and she looked at it with disappointment.
"Why did the others get cool gifts and all I got was an envelope?" she pouted.
"Just open it up. It's really cool!" explained Paul.
So she did, and out fell two train tickets to Green Hill Zone. "Now you can go fast. I know how much you like to go fast." Before she could give any kind of response, Paul reached back into his big ol' sack, retrieving yet another box. He smiles as he looked over to Halo man. "This one is for you."
"I hope it's a brand new magical alien sword," he said as he grabbed the box.
"Even better."
"What could be better than a magical alien sword?" A valid question, as few things are better than magical alien swords. He ripped away the paltry layer of wrapping paper easily with his evolved-grasping-claws and tore into the box like a hungry vulture tears into a recently-deceased African child, pulling from its innards his prize. What he held before him was a scarf, but not just any scarf. It was a saggy, fleshy, somewhat-hairy scarf that smelled of sweat and, if licked, would likely taste of salt and goo.
"As a sex raptor, my testicles molt about twice a month to make room for growth," Paul explained. "I sowed that from the leftover skin after last time it molted. Normally I would just eat the skin, but I felt I'd do something creative with it for a change."
Halo man looked at his gift from a new light, so to speak, now that he knew where it came from. He'd always wanted to be a scroacher(two words cleverly combined to describe a scrotum poacher), hunting the scrotums of his enemies and wearing them around his neck as a scrophy(two words cleverly combined to describe a scrotum trophy), but Halos don't have scrotums, so he was never able to live his dream. Now, he had what was likely the finest scrotum he'd ever see, and it was all his. He hugged the scrotum scarf to his chest for a moment before wrapping it around his neck, noting the warmth radiating from it.
Paul couldn't help but smile, glad that his gift was appreciated. "Just remember to wash it every once in a while, or it'll start to stink."
Halo man absently nodded as he continued to rub his hands across its fleshy surface, which was good enough to prompt Paul to move on. Only one pony remained giftless, and he was about to change that. He turned his big, raptor head towards the purplest pony in the entire room, noting the slight pout she wore as all her friends had received cool gifts except her. "You better turn that frow' upside dow', purple one, for I saved your gift for last."
Twilight looked at Paul's huge sack, noting that it appeared to be empty. Despite Paul's demand, her frow' continued to point in the same direction as it had previously. "It must be something really small," she pointed out.
"Actually, it's medium-sized, but it has a big heart, and I think you'll like it a lot, you little virgin," Paul said with a wink.
Twilight's frow' flipped faster than one of those things that is widely known for flipping quickly as she looked at Paul with hope-filled eyes. "What is it? Where is it?!"
Paul simply smiled his raptor smile as he pulled open a little door on his chest, revealing his chest compartment. It was absolutely filled with miscellaneous stuff, but one thing clearly stood out from the junk. He reached in with one talon and pulled it out. It was a tiny version of Paul, no bigger than a foot tall!
"I noticed how stupid and repugnant your dragon assistant is, so I figured I'd get you a new one," he said as he handed over the tiny Paul.
"Wow," exclaimed Twilight as she graciously accepted the gift, "I've always wanted a new assistant. Now I can throw the old one in the garbage where it belongs!" She couldn't help but admire the tiny sex raptor, noting that it was an exact replica of Paul.
"I birthed that one less than a week ago, and spent the whole time teaching it to sort books and follow orders. He'll do whatever you say and, since he's a clone of me, is super sexy, smart, and funny." He leaned in, whispering so only she could hear, "and he can help with other problems too."
Twilight wasn't sure how Paul knew about her sinful raptor fetish, but she sure was thankful to have received this gift.
"Wow, this is the best christmas ever!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed. "I love seeing everyone so happy!" It was true, around the room, everyone was wearing a smile. Except for Rarity who was pretty disappointed, but fuck her. Literally! HAHAHA.
Unfortunately, they couldn't lounge in the afterglow of their happy Christmas time forever, as there was a knock on the door. Before anyone could even stand to open it, the door flew open, having been kicked in, and in strolled a pair of cyber police men. Their high-tech cyber armor was polished blue and had police lights built into the shoulders, and their eyes were covered in glowing, red visors. Each had a thick mustache, showing that they weren't fucking around.
"Well, well, well. What do we have here?" Asked the first officer.
"A sex raptor, a halo, and a bunch of stupid, colorful ponies... In all my years never have I seen a more distasteful crossover." Spat the second one. "Not to mention, the plot device behind your dimension jumping violated several key cliche laws," he went on as he pulled out a pair of laser hand cuffs, "you're coming with us Paul."
Paul, not one to respect authority of any type, wasn't about to just let the fuzz walk all over him. "Over my dead carcass, pigs! You'll never take me alive!"
The cyber police exchanged a glance before the first one looked Paul straight in the eyes. "That can be arranged." He reached down to his hip, pulling a laser pistol free from its magnetic clamp. "Prepare for immediate termination, cliche scum!"
But Halo man wasn't about to stand by and let his new sex raptor friend get terminated by the coppers! Especially not after receiving such a nice gift from said sex raptor. He pulled out his halo gun and, hardly even needing to aim, popped a few DMR bullets into the cyber policeman's fucking dick! Not even his cyber armor could withstand the focused fire, and he quickly fell to the ground, 100% dead.
Before the other cyber police man could even react, Paul was already atop him, biting his head off with a ferocity only a sex raptor could ever show. He didn't stand a ghooost of a chance.
"Wow, this was the best Christmas ever!" Repeated Pinkie Pie.
"Yes, but I'm still troubled by what the cyber police said... They shouldn't be here unless..." Paul and Halo man shared a look, both knowing the answer. "We're in an awful fanfiction online..." They both turned and looked at the wall of text, having previously not noticed it. Everything became clear. All questions naught but dust in the wind.
And then Ethesto stopped typing because it was time for work.
