Flim Skimm and Flam Skamm had been on the road for years, selling things both of true value and of minimal value. Flim always dreamed of making it big enough to gain plenty of money, and then have a nice big house for himself to live in and screw Flam! Flam was of no use to him, other than to be a brain to pick from; Flim just wanted a lot of money, stuff, and prestige to get him the happiness he thought he'd get from it! However, was going to have his hooves on something priceless that could bring true happiness: He just didn't know it yet.
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"Hey Flim!" shouted Flam, "I've got a new sales pitch idea, and a new place to do it!"
"It better not fail this time" grumbled Flim.
"Think about it! Cloudsdale! Aphrodesiacs! Pegasus Ponies! We'll be rich!"
Flam had, as usual, wrapped his right arm around Flim, and as usual, was using his left to point dramatically at the horizon. And as usual, Flam failed to impress Flim.
"But you said that the last time...and the time before that...and the time after that..."
"But it will work this time! Pegasus are charged-up creatures-"
"That's a stereotype, and we can't fly."
"Or can we?" Flam asked with a twinkle in his eye.
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Whenever the brothers were up to something sleazy, they always turned to Pokey Pierce: Pokey was always filled with underground spells and tricks up his sleeve, and the brothers scarcely trusted him. But he was really the only Pony they could turn to for projects like this one.
Flim and Flam felt nervous when the walked past his van that was labeled "free Cutie Marks".
If it were not for their botched sales attempts, they would not have ever done business with Pokey. At all.
"Hello" Pokey said simply with an evil smile, cleaning his rubbers.
"Hello my good fellow! We want a very particular spell!"
"Oh...what kind?"
"Oh, just something that might...bring us closer to our more...aerial audience..."
"Hm-hm-hm-hm-hm, well, you've come to the right guy; but what's in it for me?"
"Bits! Lots of bits!"
"I was really hoping for Mares...Pegasi really turn me on....but that will do..."
"Sure, sure, fine by me" Flim grumbled "So long as this takes off!"
Pokey laughed very long, very scarily, and in a most fake manner, at Flim's accidental pun.
"Oh, you make me laugh my boy! Fine then, I'll make you two fly..."
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Flim and Flam now had insectosoid wings, which Flam was very enthusiastic about; Flim thought that Flam looked like the Mosquito he always thought he was.
The two were in a hot air balloon, soaring to Cloudsdale, and then they stopped their balloon and parked by a particular patch.
"Ah! Think of it Flim! So many customers! We'll strike it rich!"
"We had better Flam, or else."
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They set up shop on a cloud nearby, and were shouting loudly at the nearby Pegasi
"Step right up! Want more passion? Get this new stuff! Made from Rhino horns!"
Flim, frustrated by the lack of clientele, went for a walk, but then he bumped into somepony.
"Hey!"
Flim looked up; he saw the most beautiful mare he had ever seen in the world:
Her gaze was innocent, her coat was of Cyan, her eyes an Amethyst Rose, her Mane of many colors, and her body: so luscious and curvaceous.
"Earth to New guy, Earth to New guy" the Mare said, waving her hoof in front of his face.
Wait a minute: Did Flim see this Mare before? Ah yes, now he remembered, the Apple Cider incident.
He immediately decided to put his hormones aside, since really, in his opinion, money brings more happiness than love; he had an affair before, and it did not end well; it was hardly even his own fault. She just pushed him away one time, and then he could not approach her again; in a matter of days, she had a new coltfriend. A richer one. That convinced him thoroughly that money was the only thing that could really make him happy.
Deciding to get her to be a potential customer, Flim decided to play with this Mare.
"Say, how long are you in town?"
"All the time! I live on the outskirts!"
"Really? What is life like here?"
"It's AWESOME! Every afternoon...just...looking at the sunsets on the clouds...it's like...balls of fire in the sky, all of orange, red and yellow and...yes yes yes!!!!"
"What?"
"This vest!" she said, wiggling in her Wonderbolts vest. "It fits perfectly! Yes!"
Somehow, Flim was left speechless at this, and yet...he liked her. He really liked her.
He decided to follow her.
"Say, now where are you going?" he asked.
"Oh, me? Just doing some shopping for the afternoon; I mean, I'm freakin' starving! What about you?"
"Why, selling a new aphrodesiac of course! It's the best there is out there! Would you like some?"
"Hm. No thanks! But thanks for offering!"
Oh Celestia, Flim loved this mare.
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"Get yer Rhinoceros Horn formulas right here folks! It brings passion to you!"
Flam was selling all alone, which was troubling for him because he usually needed Flim to sell anything; where the heck did Flim go off to?
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Of course, Flim learned that you don't need an aphrodisiac, much less money, to be happy. He felt true joy in the arms of a Pony whose personality he was fully compatible with. He felt warm for the first time in a long time. For too long, he was cold and angry at the world, only wanting to benefit himself, but Rainbow's youth, energy, playfulness, and sheer joy all melted his heart.
"Well, that was a nice night on town." the Mare said.
"Yes it was," Flim replied, "but I never got your name."
"Oh! My name is Rainbow Dash, and- oh, here is my place."
"Well, it was nice to meet you, Rainbow Dash-" but as Flim said it, Rainbow's hooves grabbed his own.
"Wait right here, I'm going to be in and be right back."
After what must have been about seven minutes, Rainbow Dash flew back out, but now wearing a slinky black dress.
"Wanna dance?" she asked.
He replied "gladly."
*********************
They were at the local dance studio, the two were just gently waltzing to the sound of beautiful music in the background.
"Mmm, this is nice...hey wait!" Rainbow exclaimed, "I never got your name!"
"I'm er, um..." He didn't want her to know that he was the one involved in the Cider incident...
...But then again, at this point, she might just let it all slide, or perhaps have forgotten it entirely.
"Flim Skimm" he said.
"Mmm, I heard that name before... ...Can't remember where though.... mmm..."
Her head resting on his chest as they slowly danced, Flim never felt better in his entire life.
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Now Flim and Rainbow were in a bar after the dance was over, and Flim wanted to drop the bomb.
"Hey...can I come to your place...for the night?"
Rainbow looked with a crimson smile, but then looked away and said "sorry Flim; I took a vow of abstinence...but"
Flim listened intently to the next thing Rainbow said: "Will you marry me?"
Rainbow looked at him longingly, and after a pause, said "But then again, that is such a really big decision..."
Flim thought it was her way of saying 'no', but she placed her hoof on his, and said "And do you know what you have to do when you make really big decisions?"
"What do you do?" Flim asked, his hoof now on Rainbow's cutie mark.
"Drink more Cider, that's what! GET DRUNK!!"
Not too long afterwards, and lots of ciders later, the two got married really fast in a sleazy wedding chapel
Flim knew that this was the start of a beautiful relationship, and now he knew what was more important than money or sex: real, genuine love. To care for others besides oneself, and to see inner beauty.
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Now Flim realized that Flam was still trying to sell the formula, so he had to explain to Rainbow Dash really quick that it was fake: Fortunately, Rainbow Dash was drunk enough not to care much, and said "why don't, *hic* you jus' show 'em what we're made of..."
With that, Flim grabbed Rainbow's face really hard, and giving it a squeaze, gave it a super-kiss; that was all he did, but that somehow convinced his customers that he really was selling genuine stuff.
After they all bought the fake aphrodesiac, Rainbow Dash said (face still squeezed between Flim's hooves) "Why Wub Woo..."
With tears of joy in his eyes, Flim said "Why Wub Woo too, Wainbow Dash!" before french-kissing her.
Then, with next to no warning, they did it in public. This convinced the customers even further, completely unaware that he didn't even touch the Aphrodesiac.
He decided to write a letter about this to Princess Celestia...
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today, I learned that you don't need money to be happy, you don't need sex (though I'm getting that anyway, so screw that bit; don't worry, I'm married...probably), you don't need fame, you don't need prestige, you don't need power. All you need is a pony whom you can see eye-to-eye with. And Cider. Lots of Cider.
Your's truly,
Flim Skimm
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Celestia read the letter...and laughed her plot off.
"Oh, oh, oh!" she said, trying to catch her breath. "Oh my, I get the most campy things ever, don't I Philomena?"
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As for our happy couple? Rainbow Dash is now traveling with Flim and Flam, and Flim, deciding he didn't need money or anything superficial to be happy, decided to be nicer to his brother and live a gypsy-like lifestyle on the road. And he is MUCH happier than he could have possibly been otherwise.
