Rainbow Dash Joins Amway

by CartsBeforeHorses

Rating: everyone
Tags: Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, Mare Do Well, Cloudkicker, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2390

Promised riches beyond her wildest dreams, Rainbow Dash joins the multi-level marketing business Amway. Of course, it's not all it's cracked up to be. It's actually a pyramid scheme, and now Dash is in danger of losing her money.

Promised riches beyond her wildest dreams, Rainbow Dash joins the multi-level marketing business Amway. Of course, it's not all it's cracked up to be. It's actually a pyramid scheme, and now Dash is in danger of losing her money.

Published 2013-10-29 01:50:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-29 01:50:03 UTC

Rainbow Dash Joins Amway

Rainbow Dash was snoozing on a cloud above Cloudsdale, lazily catching some Z’s, when her friend Cloudkicker interrupted her quiet slumber.

“Hey, Rainbow Dash!”

She opened one eye to see the pegasus hovering next to her.

“Ugh, what is it, Cloudkicker?”

“You know how you always complain about not having enough money from your weather job?”

“Yeah,” Rainbow Dash said, stretching out as she stood up, flapping her wings. “What about it?”

“Well,” said Cloudkicker, “You can make really good money with a company that I joined!”

“A company? What’s it called?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“It’s called Amway!”

“Amway, huh?” asked Rainbow Dash. “What is it?”

“It’s a legitimate business operation!” said Cloudkicker. “Just come to one of our seminars, and you’ll see how you can become financially independent and earn a six figure income with Amway! You get to be your own boss, too.”

Rainbow Dash was rightly skeptical, but when had Cloudkicker ever lied to her before? Well, other than that time that she lied about being pregnant to get out of weather patrol. Other than that, she had been as honest as Abe Lincolt!

So, with that, Cloudkicker and Rainbow Dash headed off towards the Amway meeting.

Inside of the Ponyville Convention Center stood a meeting room with dozens of chairs. Ponies filed in as the hour of the meeting drew nearer.

Cloudkicker and Rainbow Dash walked in. By the back wall stood a table with a sign in sheet and free cookies. Ponies stood around the table, socializing, as Rainbow Dash walked around. She noticed a pink mare eating all the cookies.

“Pinkie?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“Oh, hey, Dashie!” said Pinkie Pie, turning around. “You’re here for the free cookies, too?”

“No, I’m here for Amway,” said Rainbow Dash.

“Amway? What’s that?” asked Pinkie Pie, stuffing five cookies into her mouth.

“It’s a seminar, Pinkie,” said Rainbow Dash. “The one you’re eating cookies from.”

“Amway will teach you to be financially independent and own your own business!” said Cloudkicker.

“Boooorrrrring!” Pinkie exclaimed, taking the entire plateful of cookies and bouncing out the doorway.

Cloudkicker raised an eyebrow.

“What’s her problem? Doesn’t she know of the untold riches you can earn?”

“Oh, she’s just being Pinkie Pie,” said Rainbow Dash.

She and Cloudkicker sat down in a chair as the lights dimmed. In through the side door, a large, steely-grey minotaur wearing a black tie walked in the room.

“Hello, fillies and gentlecolts! Welcome to today’s Amway meeting! My name is Iron Will, and I’ll be showing you how you can make hundreds of thousands of bits a year!”

Everypony in the room stomped their hooves, including Rainbow Dash.

“Stomp your hooves if you’re tired of working a day job!”

They stomped.

“Stomp if you want to make six figures in a year!”

They stomped.

“Stomp if you want to be rich tomorrow!”

The ponies didn’t stomp, and instead talked amongst themselves, confused. Iron Will glared at them, and they were quiet.

“That’s no joke, friends. Iron Will is confident that you will be able to make money and become financially independent with Amway! All it will take is a small up-front fee, and you too can be rich like me!”

They cheered.

“Now, here’s the secret to your success. You start off by buying our home products. These are anything from blenders to towels to steak knives. Soaps, makeup, ointment, all that. You buy them at whole-sale price: the same price that your local store pays for them. Then, you sell them to other ponies at retail price: the same price the store normally charges you. Then you get to keep the profit!”

“Yeah!” yelled Cloudkicker.

Iron Will continued. “And, you know what the best part is? It doesn’t stop there. You can get other ponies to sell for you, and then you get a cut of whatever they sell! Then, if those ponies recruit more ponies, you get a cut of that, as well! It’s just like a pyramid, with you at the top! When you're on top, then you rock!”

Rainbow Dash couldn’t believe what she was hearing. It sounded too good to be true! So, naturally, it was probably true, she thought.

“Now, who’s ready to earn some MONEY!”

“Me!” everypony in the crowd cheered.

“Great! Now, before you get started, Iron Will strongly recommends that you buy some of his motivational tapes and books. They will help you sell, and they only cost fifty bits apiece.”

After the seminar, Rainbow Dash bought some of Iron Will’s tapes and books. Though they did seem to be rather expensive, she was investing in herself and her future!

Right?

After listening to Iron Will's tapes, Rainbow Dash grinned from ear to ear, ready to take on the day. Maybe today, the package had finally arrived.

She walked outside and saw the package on her front doorstep. She squealed in delight. Today was the day that she would make thousands of bits!

She took the package inside and opened it up. There were blenders, knives, towels, soaps, makeup, and all manner of home products. She couldn’t wait to show them off to her friends! Rainbow Dash grabbed the box in her hooves and flew down to Ponyville, leaving an enthusiastic rainbow trail in her wake.

“Okay, Rainbow Dash, so what was it that you wanted to show us?” asked Twilight Sparkle.

She, Rarity, Applejack, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie all sat on the floor of Twilight’s library, eager to see what their friend had to show them.

“Fillies and gentlecolts,” said Rainbow Dash, “I present to you the most amazing, most awesome revolution in home products on the market today! Here it is!”

She opened up the box and dumped its contents onto the floor.

“Amway!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, a mile-wide grin on her face..

Nopony spoke for about a minute. Finally, Pinkie broke the silence.

“Ooh, soap? Neat!” said Pinkie Pie.

“Oh, and look at this pair of scissors,” said Rarity picking it up in her magic, a sheepish look on her face. “I could sure… cut some fabric with that.”

“Oh, and some eye shadow,” said Fluttershy. “That’s… nice.”

“Yep,” said Rainbow Dash, still grinning from ear to ear. “And all it will be will be ten bits for anything in that box.”

The other five ponies’ mouths hung agape.

“Uh, Rainbow Dash,” said Twilight, “You don’t seriously expect us to pay that much, do you?”

“Well, yeah,” said Rainbow Dash. “This is quality stuff right here. And I’m supposed to earn six figures selling it. They said to start with my close friends, so that’s what I’m doing.”

“Uh, sugarcube,” said Applejack, chuckling, “I’m sorry, but there’s no way you’re gonna make six figures sellin’ household products that most ponies already buy at Rich’s Barnyard Bargains for less.”

“No way! Rich’s Barnyard Bargains is for poor ponies. Amway is much better quality than that Chineighse garbage,” said Rainbow Dash.

Applejack glared at her.

Unfazed, Rainbow continued, “I can totally sell all this Amway product! I’m gonna get rich selling this stuff, just like Iron Will!”

“Iron Will?” asked Fluttershy. “Dashie, he’s a motivational speaker. He doesn’t sell home products; he sells motivational tapes and books.”

Rainbow Dash held up her hoof and started, “But… but he said that he did…”

“No he didn’t, Dashie,” said Pinkie Pie. “He said if you want to be rich like me. He never said how he got the money. Believe me, I was there. After I ate the cookies, I came back when he said that and grabbed all the brownies, too.”

“Well, okay. But I’ll just start a team and get other ponies to sell stuff for me, and then make money from them,” said Rainbow Dash.

“That sounds like a pyramid scheme to me,” said Twilight Sparkle.

“Well, it’s like a pyramid, but it’s not a pyramid scheme, Twilight,” said Rainbow Dash.

“Well, now you’re just arguing semantics,” said Twilight Sparkle.

“Look, if you look up pyramid scheme in the dictionary, I’m sure that you won’t--”

“Sweetie Belle, darling, could you come here?” called Rarity.

The unicorn filly, who just so happened to be walking by the library at that very moment, entered.

“Yes, Rarity?”

“Please give us the definition of a pyramid scheme, if you’d be so kind,” Rarity asked.

“Sure,” said Sweetie Belle. “Pyramid scheme. Noun. A fraudulent scheme in which ponies are recruited to make payments to the pony who recruited them while expecting to receive payments from the ponies they recruit. When the number of new recruits fails to sustain the hierarchical payment structure, the scheme collapses with most of the participants losing the money they put in.”

“Thank you, Sweetie. You can go home now,” said Rarity. Sweetie Belle nodded and dashed back off to Carousel Boutique.

Twilight looked back at Rainbow Dash. “See, Rainbow Dash? They’re trying to take advantage of you.”

“No way!” exclaimed Rainbow Dash. “I’ll show you guys! I’ll make double the money I ever made at that weather job!”

She zipped out of the room, and all of her friends rolled their eyes.

“So, should we do it again?” asked Applejack.

“Do what again?” asked Fluttershy.

“Y’all know… it.” Applejack looked around at her friends, narrowing her eyes.

“Ohhhhh,” said Pinkie Pie. “That. Well, it worked great the last time, right? I mean, it didn’t get great reception, but...”

“It needed to be done. Her ego got too big to handle,” said Applejack.

“If we hadn’t done something, who knows what she would have done?” asked Fluttershy. “She could have been so insufferable that not even I could’ve put up with her.”

“Seein’ as how you put up with Angel, that’s a mighty tall order,” said Applejack.

“Well, when we did it the last time, it certainly stopped her from getting such a big head,” said Rarity. “And was quite a dazzling display, I might add.”

“I say we go for it,” said Twilight Sparkle.

“No, I don’t want this junk! Leave me alone!”

The door slammed shut into Rainbow Dash’s face. She sighed deeply, a single tear running down her cheek. She had spent the entire day going door to door trying to sell Amway products, but nopony wanted to buy any of them.

It was all “too expensive” this, or “I already have soap and makeup” that. Dash couldn’t believe it. She was supposed to be rich.

She took off into the sky, heaving the giant box with her as she headed back towards her home. Suddenly, though, she saw an orange pegasus with a purple mane on the ground below.

Rainbow Dash grinned from ear to ear as she descended back towards the ground.

“Hey, Scootaloo. What’s up?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“Rainbow Dash!” exclaimed Scootaloo. “I’ve just been practicing my scooter moves! Do you want to see them?”

“Of course I do,” said Rainbow Dash. “Anything for my favorite pegasus in Ponyville.”

Scootaloo fainted and fell to the ground upon learning that her idol wanted to spend time with her. A few moments later, she returned to her hooves, and got on her scooter, demonstrating her new tricks.

“Say, that’s really cool, Scoots,” said Rainbow Dash. “Now, you know what would be even cooler?”

“What’s that?” asked Scootaloo.

“If you had some eyeliner to wear so that you’d look good while you were doing it!”

Rainbow Dash opened the box and gave Scootaloo some eyeliner.

“Eyeliner? You don’t seem like the type of pony to carry around eyeliner,” said Scootaloo. “I thought you always said that fashion was for squares like Rarity?”

“Oh, well, you know, things change. Fashion’s great. So is eyeliner.”

“Whatever you say,” said Scootaloo. She opened the eyeliner and put some on.

“That’ll be ten bits,” said Rainbow Dash.

“What? But you gave it to me. I thought it was a gift,” said Scootaloo.

“I really need you to pay me,” said Rainbow Dash, getting down on her knees.

“Okay, Rainbow Dash. Since I love you so much, I’ll pay you.”

“YES!” cried Rainbow Dash, jumping up and down.

“Stop right there!” a deep, gravelly voice said.

Scootaloo and Rainbow Dash turned around to see a purple-caped, masked, behatted pony behind them.

“Mare-Do-Well?” asked Rainbow Dash. “But I thought that you were just--”

“Silence! Do not reveal my secret identity!” said Mare Do Well, making her voice sound like a pack-a-day smoker’s. “How dare you push your products onto little fillies who don’t even really want them? You should be ashamed of yourself!”

“But… but…” Rainbow Dash started.

“No buts!” said Mare Do Well.

Rainbow Dash sobbed. “But I just wanted to earn my money back…”

“Well, that can be arranged,” said Mare Do Well.

Cloud Kicker sat inside of her home, flipping the remote as she was looking for something to watch on TV.

Suddenly, she heard a knock on the door. She went over to answer it. When she opened the door, she gasped.

“Mare-Do-Well?” she asked. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m glad you asked,” said Mare Do Well, “There is a pony. You may know her. Rainbow Dash?”

“Oh, yeah, my newest recruit!” said Cloud Kicker. “I get a piece of the action on everything that she sells!”

“Well, you know what you’ll do now?” asked Mare Do Well.

“What?”

Mare Do Well threw the box of Amway products back into Cloudkicker’s house.

“You are to pay back Rainbow Dash every single bit that she paid on this stuff,” said Mare Do Well.

“But… but…”

“No buts.”

Mare Do Well slammed the door.

Rainbow Dash sat in the library with her friends. They laughed as they recounted the tale of getting her money back from Cloud Kicker.

“Spike, take a letter,” said Rainbow Dash.

The dragon obliged.

“Dear Princess Celestia,

Today, I learned that there are terrible ponies in this world who will try to take advantage of you. But, no matter what, you can’t stoop to their level and play their tricks. Don’t try to sell somepony something that you know they don’t need or can never afford. Don’t sell false promises of riches. And most importantly, you should never try to sell to your friends.

Sincerely,
Rainbow Dash.”

Spike engulfed the letter in flames, and it flew off into the evening sky.