The Ghost with the Most

by Equestria Buck Yeah

Rating: teen
Tags: Dark, Human, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Other, Crossover, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 8859

The CMC inadvertantly summon a certain dead prankster. Insanity ensues!

Nightmare Night has come once again, and Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo are intent on having some fun. Fortunately for them, something they hear in class earlier that day unexpectedly gives them the means for just that.

Okay, maybe a little bit more than they bargained for.

Published 2013-10-26 19:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-11-03 00:31:41 UTC

Chapter 1

The clock over the blackboard slowly ticked and ticked away. Cheerliee's lecture had become a steady stream of droning background noise. There was only about fifteen minutes left in class but it felt like a year and a half had gone by that day. Most of the other kids were getting as antsy as the Crusaders by now, though Scootaloo's face falling hard into the book on her desk was probably proof enough that she was on the verge of going crazy.

You really couldn't blame them though. Tonight was Nightmare Night! Candy, costumes, pranks and scares...it was every kid's favorite night of the year! Why Miss Cheerilee insisted on teaching until the final bell like it was any other day was just another one of those mysteries of the universe.

"Scootaloo," a voice called out. The filly snapped her head up in a flash. "Are you paying attention?"

"Err, yeah, Miss Cheerilee! I just, uh, saw a fly on my desk and went to squish it!"

Unconvinced for some reason, the teacher simply glared at the pegasus. "Uh huh. You realize we do still have some time left before class is done today, I hope."

"Sure! Wouldn't miss it for the world!"

"Good. Because I'd like to talk about something that I'd like you all to do tonight while you're out running around gathering candy." A loud groan filled the room. "Now, now, it's not homework. It's for fun more than anything, though I do hope you find it as interesting as I do."

Cheerilee opened the textbook on her desk and flipped to the correct page. After looking over the pictures for a moment, she took a piece of chalk and drew several dots of various size on the blackboard, connecting several together with lines and forming some basic shapes.

"I've always found astronomy fascinating. Old explorers would use constellations – patterns and designs we've mapped out in the sky – to help them navigate, and some of the stories behind them can be quite intriguing. This constellation here is called Ursa Major, just like the giant bears that live in the Everfree Forest. These two stars point to the North Star, which happens to be the tip of the tail in the constellation Ursa Minor."

"Like the one that somepony dragged to town once," Apple Bloom chimed in, causing everypony to glare at Snips and Snails, neither of whom seemed to notice the two dozen eyes staring death at them.

"Erm...yes. Just like that one," Cheerilee murmured, remembering the rather interesting events that surrounded a certain traveling showpony. "Anyway, the North Star never moves in the sky. It's what our star charts are centered around. Now, the Ursa Minor is mostly surrounded by one of the largest constellations in the sky: Draco the Dragon. Legend has it that the dragon guarded over a tree that grew golden apples in an ancient garden, but was killed when a strange mythical creature came to steal them and now watches over the Ursa Minor."

"A strange mythical creature?"

"What'd it look like?"

"What was it called?"

Miss Cheerilee shrugged. "Unfortunately, we're not really sure. Many of those stories' origins have been lost to time. But that just means you can use your imagination and fill in the blanks if you like." She pointed to the creature's stellar design. "Draco's killer is this one here, named Hercules, and it can be found right next to Draco, pitting them in an endless battle. Another one of those ancient creatures is represented by one of the most famous constellations in the sky: Orion. It can be easily spotted by its belt, which is made of three very close stars, and because it contains two of the brightest stars in the sky: Rigel on one end and Betelgeuse on the other."

A white unicorn squirmed in her seat. "Blech!"

"Something the matter, Sweetie Belle?"

"Betel...geuse?"

"That's right."

"Why would ponies name something after what sounds like...bug guts?" the little unicorn asked, sticking her tongue out at the idea. The rest of the class giggled at the grotesque description.

"Well, the ponies who named it haven't been around in a very long time, and I have a feeling the original meaning of the word didn't have anything to do with bug guts. Stories tell of Orion being a great and powerful hunter, who–"

The last bell finally rang out, much to the delight of the children.

"Before you all go," Cheerilee interrupted, "do a little reading before you go out tonight. We'll talk more about the stars tomorrow, but it could be fun looking around for some of the constellations tonight too. Have a safe Nightmare Night!"

With a loud cheer, the quickly room emptied. Following behind the stampede were the Crusaders, chatting about their evening plans.

"So where were we going to meet up tonight?" Sweetie Belle asked.

"Come on over to Sweet Apple Acres. Granny's gonna be makin' some chocolate chip cookies for any guests. But honestly, we've never really gotten many visitors. The farm must be just too far out of town for most ponies. We could probably have a few before we go out."

"Sounds good to me. What are you guys going as?"

"Rainbow Dash was able to hook me up with a Junior Wonderbolts outfit! I'm going to look so awesome!" Scootaloo squealed, her little wings buzzing as she hopped in the air.

"Ah'm going as Mare-Do-Well. Ah gotta say the hat looks pretty cool on me. What about you, Sweetie Belle?"

The filly hung her head and curled her lips miserably. "Rarity's been putting together a princess gown for me for the last couple days."

"Yeesh," Scootaloo winced, "sounds awful."

"Yeah. But hey, as long as the candy rolls in, I'll just deal with it for one night."

"Eeyup. Ah'm gonna head home and get things ready. See you girls tonight!"

The trio was headed back to town through the orchard, just passing their clubhouse, with some snacks in their bellies and bags hanging around their necks that they hoped would be filled to the brim with treats by night's end. They couldn't wait to see all the fun games and creepy decorations around town. Maybe if they were really lucky, they'd bump into Pinkie Pie again and go running around acting nutty like she usually did every year. Or every day. Who can keep it all straight with that one?

"So where are we going to go first?" Sweetie Belle spoke up.

"Bon Bon always has some really good candy."

"Ah heard that Sugarcube Corner is givin' away some free samples of cake and ice cream and canoles and stuff. We could go there."

"That does sound pretty good."

Scootaloo quickly put on a snarky grin. "You sure? I mean, those don't have any...bug guts in them."

"Have you been working on that since we got out of school?" the little unicorn snapped back.

The pegasus shrugged. "It's been swimming around in my head for an hour or so. I'm just glad that Granny Smith didn't make her cookies with any betelgeuse!"

"Ewwwww!"

"Betelgeuuuuse!"

"Quit iiiiit!"

"C'mon, Scootaloo, cut it out."

"Betelgeuuuuse!"

"Scoota–"

KRACKOOOOOM!

"...loo?"

As the strangely empty heavens erupted once again, the fillies darted into each other's grasp. A sudden bolt of lightning came from out of nowhere and struck the earth only a few feet away, freaking the girls out even further.

"W-w-what's going on?!"

The ground began to bulge up from below, as if something was trying to claw its way out from the dirt. A laugh echoed through the air as a pale, decaying hand burst forth and then another. Whatever it was pulled itself out from underneath the ground and triumphantly threw itself into the air, somehow floating without the use of wings. The rest of what looked to be its skin was as rotten as its hands, and its faded yellowish hair stood raggedly on its head. After a moment, this bizarre entity, wearing a black-and-white striped outfit, landed on two legs before the horrified trio, cackling like a maniac.

"It's showtime!"

Chapter 2

The freakish thing in front of the Crusaders quickly looked over its surroundings, looking for whoever it was that called out for them.

"Hello? Hey, where the hell are ya?!" He spotted the costumed fillies on the ground. "And who the hell dresses their dogs like that?"

"Dogs?" Sweetie Belle fired back.

"Ho-ly crap, you can talk!" He paused, a realization fast approaching. "Wait a minute. You can talk, so..." The ghost looked around once more and back at the trio. "Oh God, it was you who summoned me, wasn't it?"

"Summoned?"

He threw his hands in the air and stomped at the ground, throwing a tantrum. "Son of a bitch! I've died and gone to Hell, haven't I? That's it! That's gotta be it... No, wait, I'm already dead and I've been to Hell. Nice place, cozy in the summertime. Oh! Wait, wait, I got it. This is my own personal hell, isn't it? Dammit, I knew I shouldn't have pissed off that gypsy back in the fourteen century and now I'm stuck here with three talking dogs," he muttered to himself.

"We're ponies, not dogs!" Scootaloo snapped.

"Oh, even better! Well, at least this ain't Saturn. I don't think. You haven't seen any sand worms anywhere, have you?"

"What the hay are sand worms?" Apple Bloom asked.

"Ewww, why do we have to keep going back to bugs?"

"Worms aren't bugs."

"They're still gross!"

"Okay, I'm gonna take that as a 'no'. Alright, so," – in a flash, he leaned over and snatched the Crusaders up in his arm, holding them tight up against his chest. His rather powerful breath almost instantly left them gagging – "might as well make the best out of the situation. You called me here, so you obviously want something. So what can I do for ya? Ah, I know! You need somebody brutally tortured or killed, is that it? No problem! You're looking at the best!"

"No! We don't want anypony killed!" Scootaloo hollered.

"Or tortured!"

"Ah don't know, Ah could go for killing somebody," the biped spoke, mimicking the little farmer.

"Apple Bloom!" Sweetie gasped.

"Ah didn't say anything! That was you!" she snapped, pointing at their new 'friend'.

"What? What're you talking about?"

"Ah watched your lips movin' and you sounded like me!"

"Hey, I'm just trying to speed things up here. Can't blame a guy for wanting to have a little fun, can you?"

"We are not killin' anypony!"

"Alright, alright, we'll put that on the shelf for later then." The striped thing stopped and dropped the three to the ground. He wiggled a finger in his ear, popping out a spider or two. Seeing the arachnids fly out and land in front of them made the girls jump out of their skin. "I'm sorry, I thought I was just hearing things before, but did you just say anypony?" he asked, leaning in close.

"Err, yeah, why?"

He stared blankly and shook his head as the vernacular sunk in.

"Why?" Apple Bloom repeated.

"Nothing, nothing. Don't worry about it. Anyway, no killing, got it, so what else–"

"Hold on a minute," Sweetie Belle interrupted. "Who are you?"

"Yeah, Mister uhh... You are a Mister, right?" Apple Bloom asked.

"Well, I don't like to brag or nothing."

"Errr...right. Anyway, where'd ya come from?"

"You mean to tell me you called me here and you don't even know how you did it? Pfff, like dealing with a bunch of children here," he mumbled – quite deliberately – loud enough for the girls to hear.

"We are children," the unicorn deadpanned.

"Well there you go. But if you must know, I'm the ghost with the most, kid," he explained while rubbing his rotting fingernails on his jacket. He did have an image to maintain, after all.

"But, what's your name?"

The ghost winced and looked around once more. The coast seemed clear enough. Maybe if these three were as dumb as he thought they were, he could risk telling them a little more directly than he had with others in the past. "Uhhh, well... Oh, I know! Let me give you a card." He patted down his pants and then reached into an inner coat pocket, finding a snake and tossing it on the ground. "Here, hold this for a moment, will ya?"

"AHHHHHHH!"

The rustling of leaves overhead grabbed the thing's attention. "Oh, come on down. She won't bite unless you ask her to." With a ridiculous stretch of his arm, he reached up and plucked the shaking girls out of the tree and plopped them back down on the ground. The snake in the meanwhile crawled its way up his pant leg, further terrifying the kids. Their guest suddenly jumped in surprise from a pinch he felt. "Ooo! Getting fresh with me, eh? Hehehe." He finally found what he was searching for in his back pocket and handed it to Sweetie Belle. "Ah, here we go."

It was a simple, plain white card with two lines written across the middle.

"Beetlejuice. The Ghost with the Most." The white filly glanced at her friends, annoyed. "Didn't I tell you? Bug guts. It's even spelled that way."

"Now that you mention it, I could go for a snack..."

"Huh?"

"You...you mean you're really a ghost?" Scootaloo chimed in, suddenly excited in spite of the recent reptilian repercussions. "Show us something scary! That...isn't a snake, I mean."

"Everyone always wants a free sample," he grumbled. An idea formed and he took hold of his temples. "How about this?" Screaming all the while, he forcibly stretched and removed his head from his body. His corpse collapsed to the ground and his head slipped from his hands and rolled toward the girls with his eyes rolled back and his mouth hanging open.

The girls shrieked at the top of their lungs. When their hollering finally settled down, even just a little, his head said to them, "How's that?"

"AHHHHHHHH!"

Cackling with sadistic glee, the ghost's head reappeared atop his body as if nothing happened and he floated back to his feet. Once the Crusaders' hearts stopped racing, Scootaloo rolled over and started chuckling.

"That was so awesome!"

"Haha, that's the spirit! I'm glad at least one of you knows a good thing when you see it," Beetlejuice said, sitting down next to the pegasus and putting his arm around her. "You and me, kid, we'll do whatever you want tonight so long as it scares the absolute Hell out of someone. What do you say, are you with me?"

"Well, it is Nightmare Night..."

"Nightmare Night, huh? I'm already liking the sound of that," he uttered, smiling devilishly.

"Yeah, playing pranks and scaring ponies is half the fun tonight!"

"Now you're talking my language! Come on," he said, standing back up, "show me where to go and we can do this. It'll be a blast!"

"Ponyville's just beyond the orchard. We were already heading that way," the orange filly explained, nodding in the town's direction.

Beetlejuice smirked and rolled his eyes. "Ponyville. Of course. Christ, what the hell's with these names?"

"Err, ya really think this is a good idea, Scootaloo?" Apple Bloom asked, a twinge of doubt in her voice.

"Sure it's a good idea! Now, come on, let's go!" Beetlejuice tried to interject but to no avail.

"What do you mean?"

Ah don't mind if we cook up some good scares or nothin' but," – she glanced up at their striped friend – "you're not going to hurt anypony, are ya?"

"What? Nah, course not!" he said with a dismissive wave of his hand and a rather large grin. "We're just gonna have some good old-fashioned fun, right?"

The young earth pony eyed him suspiciously. "Ya promise?"

"Yeah, sure, promise! Come on, we're wasting time here!" he hurriedly said, floating toward the town.

"Uh, Mr. Beetlejuice?"

He stopped short upon hearing his name and turned to face the tiny Wonderbolt, putting a finger up to her lips. "Oh, uh, one other thing. Call me Beej or BJ, alright? No need to be saying my whole name or anything." He glanced back to town and lifted an eyebrow curiously. "Hmm, speaking of BJ's, I wonder if there's somewhere in town I may be able to...well, let's just say that when I'm about to get down to business, I always want to really get down to business, you know what I mean?"

The girls looked at each other utterly baffled, his innuendos flying right over their heads.

"Ummmm...I was going to suggest that maybe you put on a disguise. The best scares are always the ones you don't see coming, right? And I don't recall seeing anything that looks like you in any of our books. Seeing you the way you are could scare some ponies away before we even got a chance to do anything,"

"Hmm, not a bad idea, kid." His hand found his chin while he looked over the trio in front of him. After a second, an idea came to him, and in a white flash of light, he reappeared anew with four legs, hooves, and a striped coat and mane.

"Hey, you look just like Zecora!" Sweetie Belle noted.

"Yeah, whatever. Hah, I bet I'm hung like a horse looking like this! Y'know, I wonder if I can do that thing without removing my head this time?" he said as he leaned his neck a little too far forward. The girls' eyes burst open and they hid their gazes in horror as they figured out what he was trying to do.

"Gross!"

"Ewewewewew!"

"I need an adult!"

"Oh, what? Don't be such prudes! Jeez!" With another burst of light, Beetlejuice returned to normal, though the now-mentally scarred fillies weren't aware of this just yet. "You know what? Forget the damn disguise. Was too itchy anyway," he complained, scratching at his hair and releasing crickets, cobwebs and loads of dead skin.

One by one, the Crusaders slowly reestablished eye contact with the insane ghost, still a bit sick to their stomachs. "Beej," Scootaloo finally spoke up, "could you, like, never do that again? Please?"

"Spoil a guy's fun, why don't you?" he mumbled under his breath. "Alright, fine. As long as we get a move on so we can scare the piss out of those friends of yours in town." With a cock of his neck and a straightening of his tie, he added, "But if there's someone there whose acquaintance I'd like to make... first things first, y'know?"

Sweetie Belle gulped back down the last of her nausea and spoke up. "Well, Princess Luna is going to be there. She stops by every Nightmare Night since the holiday's dedicated to her."

An eyebrow was raised once again. "A princess, eh? Hmm. Never been with one of those before. She look like one of you?"

"What, you mean a pony?"

"Yeah."

"Well, of course."

"I see." He shrugged after a moment of quiet contemplation. "Ah, what's the worst that could happen? I get a disease? Hahaha!"

The Crusaders looked at each other, unsure of how to respond to such a bizarre statement. "Uhh...okay. Anyway, I think you'll like her. She's really nice and always happy to meet new ponies, especially this time of year."

A top hat and monocle popped onto his person. He took a breath spritzer from his pocket, sprayed into his mouth and spoke with a fake posh accent. "I say, dearies, despite my obvious rigor mortis, I assure you that I will be a perfect gentleman." With a flick of his wrists, he snatched the accessories and flung them away. "Think she'll notice I'm dead too? Hahaha!"

They shared another glance. What the heck was he going on about this time? "Ummm, I...guess?" Apple Bloom finally asked.

"Come on, let's get out of here. We've wasted enough time shooting the shit." He smiled duplicitously at his three little hosts and tapped his fingertips together. "Why don't you take me to see this princess of yours?"

"Sure thing," Sweetie Belle said happily. "She's probably near the center of town."

"Lead the way," Beetlejuice said as politely as he was capable, floating along behind the girls as they went.

Chapter 3

Their creepy guest finished licking the last of his fingertips as the group strolled through town. Strangely, Beetlejuice's unusual form didn't seem to bother the rest of the townsfolk as much as the Crusaders initially believed it would; he got a funny look or two as the Ponyvillians tried to decipher who may be under what they thought was just a bizarre costume. When he'd use his magic, on the other hand...

"Beej?" Sweetie Belle asked.

"Uh huh?"

"Did you really have to set Berry Punch's roof on fire?"

"Hey, can I help it if you need a source of heat to cook s'mores the right way?"

"No, but then you let the rest of her house burn to the ground."

"Yeah, you said you weren't going to hurt anypony," Apple Bloom added.

"There was nobody home at the time, so what's the problem?"

"What's she supposed to do now?" the tiny unicorn fired back.

"Oh, let her call her insurance company. Now where's this princess of yours?" A mirror popped into his hand and he looked over his face and head. "How's my hair look? Festering enough?"

Scootaloo and her friends exchanged a glance and shrugged, unfamiliar with the term. "Uh, yeah! Looks...great!"

"I am a sexy beast, aren't I?" he muttered. Blowing himself a kiss, he tossed the mirror aside and looked just down the road to where a decent-sized group of ponies stood, a dark one in particular about a neck taller than the others. Beside that one was another creature, even more unusual looking than Beetlejuice himself. "What's going on over there? That her?"

"Uh huh. Looks like Discord is visiting too," Sweetie Belle said.

"You mean that funny looking thing?"

"Yep."

"Looks like a mad scientist's wet dream. How many abominations did they have to kill to put him together? Actually, you think he has a spare ass hanging around? Mine's got a hole in it, hahaha!"

Apple Bloom sneered, quickly tiring of all the crude jokes. "Do we really need to hear such things?"

The ghost continued to ramble, unconcerned about the filly's pleas. "Y'know, I wonder if this princess of yours is just like the ones you always heard about in fairy tales. So fresh, so pure, so...virginal, hehehe," Beetlejuice said, rubbing his hands together and grinning devilishly.

"Uhhhh..."

"Time to go say hello!" And in a flash, Beetlejuice disappeared.

The trio stared blankly at where their guest stood just a second ago.

"Y'know, I'm starting to wonder if this was a bad idea," Scootaloo finally spoke up.

"Uh huh."

Luna and Discord stood at the heart of the crowd, chatting with the costumed denizens. The princess listened to numerous stories the children told about some of their Nightmare Night antics while the Spirit of Chaos handed out various conjured treats. So far, he was pleasantly surprised at how enjoyable the night was up to that point. Playing pranks and stirring up some tame scares – tame for him, at least – was actually kind of fun. He was still getting used to being thanked and welcomed warmly by the townsfolk, but all things considered, it could be a lot worse!

"Here you go, little one. Hope you enjoy!" he said with a genuine smile. Seemed his friendship with Fluttershy and the growing relationships with her companions had tempered him pretty well.

"Candy corn?" the little colt moaned.

"I assure you you'll like it. Go ahead, give it a try!"

He sneered at the blasphemous treat, but eventually sighed and took a bite. His eyes lit up when the flavor assaulted his tongue. "Hey! It tastes like a caramel apple!"

"Told ya!"

"Thanks, Mr. Discord!"

"You're quite welcome, kiddo," he said, ruffling the colt's mane.

As Discord moved onto another youngster, a burst of light brought forth an expected visitor, startling the candy corn recipient to the point where he started choking on his goodie. The draconequus snatched up the little one and patted his back, jarring the candy loose.

"You okay?" The colt coughed but nodded. Discord set the young pony down and turned to the source of the disturbance. "Seriously, what in the world was..." He stared curiously at the unusual specimen in front of him.

"How's it hanging, Picasso?" it asked.

"Well, there's something you don't see every day."

"What is, Discord?" Luna spoke up, having been facing the other way.

"If I saw it every day, I'd think I'd know what it is."

The Princess spun about and got a good, long look at the...unique striped thing smiling rather widely at her. "Err...touché." She stepped forward, a crooked smile eventually finding her face in spite of the very noticeable stench suddenly in the air. "That's quite the interesting costume, friend. What might you be?"

As if the roads were made of ice, Beetlejuice slid over to Luna and scratched her chin with a single, intrusive finger. "How about I stop by your place tonight and I'll tell you, sweetcheeks?"

"Excuse me?"

Before she could say another word, the dead man spun around her, taking quick, approving peeks at random parts of her body. "Hmm, not bad, not bad. Sure, I can see this happening."

"What are you doing?"

Luna suddenly felt something yanking at her misty tail, exposing her...more private areas. The crowd let out a collective gasp at the scandal unfolding before them.

"Y'know, you kinda remind me of someone from this angle."

"How dare you! What is the matter with you?!" the Princess screamed, glaring five types of death at the pest.

"Beetlejuice!" Apple Bloom hollered, the Crusaders finally having caught up with their dead companion. Horror was written all over their faces since seeing the Princess' nethers flashed in front of the town wasn't exactly on their agenda for the evening.

"Ah ah! No saying the B-word."

"You can't do that! That's the Princess!"

"Hey, I haven't heard her tell me to stop yet," he correctly countered.

"Let go of my tail this instant!"

Before she knew it, he was standing beside her, an arm casually draped around her neck and his cheek against hers. As he started to ramble, one of his hands sucked itself into the cuff of his jacket and poked the tips out of Luna's ethereal tail, the decaying fingers scanning around to see if it had been spotted. "Look, sugartits–"

"Sugartits?!"

Mid-rant, a scent caught his nose, and he sniffed at the air. He followed the smell to the ground where he spotted something skittering toward some candy that a child must have dropped.

"Ooo, one second."

Like a cat pouncing on a mouse, the deranged spirit attacked and captured a roach in his grip. He stood back up, wrapping his disfigured arm around the Princess once more and taking a bite out of the insect. Every stomach nearby tied itself in knots as he happily munched on his prey. For a moment, Luna could have sworn she heard a tiny voice screaming for help right before Beetlejuice started eating the poor thing.

"I really hope that was chocolate," Discord quipped.

He offered the Lunar Princess the last half of his meal, but she was too frozen in disgust to say anything. Not really caring either way, he shrugged, threw the rest of the crunchy bits down his throat and let out a proud belch.

"Whew, sorry, I was starving. Haven't eaten in about seventy years or so. Anyway, sure, tonight's all about you and we got the whole night ahead of us, but let's face it. I'm a guy with needs, you're a girl who probably has needs, so why don't we just cut to the chase and go someplace real quiet-like, alright? Or if you want, we can give these people a show! What do you say?"

Beetlejuice's inane questions were punctuated with a sudden slap!, shocking not only the Princess out of her nauseated stupor but everypony else in the vicinity as well. As hard as she tried to keep her composure, Luna could feel her face quickly burning up with rage.

"My mating habits are nopony's business! And did you just...spank me?!"

Flabbergasted at such insinuations, he backed off and presented to her his hand – and a handless arm – which would undoubtedly prove his innocence. "What?! No! What are you talking about?" When his little wandering friend popped itself back into place, he shot the furious mare a clearly innocent smile.

A vein started to throb on her forehead. "You retched, lying...nnngh!"

Feigning desperation, he put on his most pathetic-sounding voice. "Hey, do you have any idea how long it's been for me? It's inhuman! I mean, come on, have a heart! And if you don't have one, here," – he suddenly plunged a hand into his own chest and dug around only to pull out a black, sludge-covered organ – "you can have mine. Hahahah!"

Amused with making Luna's skin crawl while simultaneously breaking a part of her brain, he tossed the thing over his shoulder, unconcerned that it happened to land on a nearby unicorn's horn with a loud, wet 'splitch'.

"GAH! Get it off, get it off!"

"Ugh, get away from me, you disgusting thing!" she yelled, puffing out her wings and blasting him with her magic. It hindsight, it was probably a bad idea frying a corpse to a crisp, but such things can't be helped sometimes.

"YAAAAH!" A woozy moment later, Beetlejuice shook off the burn marks and wiggled his fingers at the Princess, grinning deviously. "Mmmm, feisty! I'm gonna enjoy corrupting you!"

Shocked and enraged that her initial assault was ineffective, she snatched him up in her telekinesis and flung him at least three or four blocks away.

"AAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh............!"

While Luna fumed, the Crusaders sprinted up to her, praying to Celestia that she wasn't going to send them to the moon or something equally deserving.

"We're so, so sorry about all this, Princess!" Apple Bloom muttered before dashing away.

"We'll, uh...go check to see if he's okay."

"Gotta run!"

Even though the girls were out of sight in the blink of an eye, an utterly floored Luna still tried getting their attention. "Children, wait! You know that pig?!" Seeing that her words were wasted, she sighed. It was only when she noticed Discord barely containing his laughter that the mild relief she felt changed back into annoyance. "What's so funny?"

Between giggle fits, he managed to say, "It's just...the audacity of it all! Never would have imagined anypony would have the sheer amount of brass to do such a thing to you, haha!"

"Well, I'm not amused."

"No, you're right, you're right. I apologize. At least he has good taste, look at it that way."

"Um...thanks, I guess?"

"Just, um...one other thing," he continued as he wiped a tear from his eye, "that part he said about being a guy with needs and all..."

She lifted a suspicious eyebrow.

"Do you think your sister would be more swayed by such influential words than you? I mean, I only ask because–"

"MMMMMMMMPH!"

"What?"

The Crusaders ran down the street in the general direction Princess Luna tossed their lecherous companion like a rag doll. After calling out for him to no avail for several minutes, a loud, pain-addled groan got their attention. Trotting past a broken statue, a splintered bench and a torn-up patch of dirt, they finally found Beetlejuice crashed up against a tree, the only thing seemingly damaged being his ego.

"Hey. Are you alright?" Scootaloo asked, offering to help him up but ultimately being denied.

"You stupid bitch!" he screamed as he dusted himself off. "Who needs ya?! You wouldn't know a good thing if it fucked you anyway! ...Yeah, she wants me."

Chapter 4

A quick adjustment of his coat and a brush off of the last bits of dust on his arms and Beetlejuice was just about ready to go again. He floated a few inches off the ground and twisted his body as tight as he could, feeling a series of invigorating cracks go straight up his spine. Seeing his body contort in such a profound way made the Crusaders wince, despite the fact they'd seen Pinkie Pie do similar things plenty of times before.

"Alright, so the whole Princess thing didn't go as planned. So what else we got going on tonight? Hauntings, possession? Come on, give me something good to work with here cuz this place is quickly boring the hell out of me!"

"Couldn't we just go around asking for some candy?" Sweetie Belle asked.

"Or maybe go play some games?" Scootaloo added.

"Yeah, Ah'd rather not do anything else that could, y'know, result in one of the royal sisters sendin' us to the moon or somethin'."

"Oh, don't be ridiculous! One little thing doesn't work out and you're ready to give up? There's so many more people left to terrorize!" Beetlejuice said, rubbing his hands together gleefully. He was going to make the most of his time and he'd be damned if these tiny dog-things were going to talk him out of him.

"But you said–"

"Well, if that's the way you're gonna be, sure, go right ahead and quit now! Go run home crying to your mommies cuz I don't need you either! You seriously think three little fleshbags like you are going to make me suddenly start playing nice?" he hollered, practically nose to nose with the girls. His quickly escalating temper sank their heads further and further into their shoulders as he ranted.

A low murmur of what sounded like voices hummed in the air, calming his flaring anger for a moment. His ear blew up to ridiculous proportions to get a better listen.

"Come on, B.J., can't we just–"

With a flick of his wrist, Sweetie Belle's voice suddenly failed her and nothing came from her mouth. After a second, the panicked unicorn looked to her friends, who were too horrified to say anything to anyone lest they lose their voices too. The filly started silently crying, as the tears pouring from her eyes indicated.

"Jeez, can't a guy get a moment of peace around here? Like nails on a chalkboard, I swear," the dead man mumbled. "Now, what's going on over there? ...Ahhh, whimsey and merriment, a lot of people having fun. Let's go fix that."

And in a blip of light, Beetlejuice disappeared yet again. The moment he vanished though, the little white pony's shrieks erupted from her mouth, nearly deafening her friends for a second before she realized she could speak again.

"Oh, there we go," she said, strangely not bothered by what just happened. "That wasn't very nice."

A scream suddenly rang out from a block away where the usual games and party favors were set up every year.

"Ah don't think what's he's doin' over there is very nice either," Apple Bloom said, quickly darting ahead with the others a step behind.

"Ohhhh, if anypony finds out he's here because of us, we're so dead!"

A pair of ponies, one stallion dressed as a mummy and one mare dressed up like a sexy nurse, walked under a nearby streetlight and past a tree beside it, chatting about whether or not they knew of any late night, more adult oriented parties happening anywhere in town that night. Nightmare Night didn't necessarily have to be solely a kid's holiday, now did it?

"Hey," a voice called out. "Hey, you two, come here."

The two looked for the source, and it seemed to come from around the tree nearby. They looked past the large decoration hanging lazily from a low branch but saw nothing. Wait, was that...was it a body?...there a second ago?

"Over here, c'mon."

Slowly, it spun around, revealing...something with stripes that sort of looked to be pony-shaped, but there wasn't a tail nor was the face equine in nature. Was it some kind of zebra? Either way, somepony certainly went out of their way to come up with a creative design! Though they still needed to find out who was talking, and they weren't sure what this decoration was supposed to be, they couldn't help but smile and giggle a bit.

Until it spoke.

"I got this real bad crick in my neck, can you help me out? Hehehehe!"

"AHHHHHHH!"

The only evidence of their existence were twins trail of smoke left as they dashed away.

Still laughing, he flashed away to his next victim. A second after he left, the Crusaders came around the corner, just missing the trickster. They quickly looked around, finding nothing to indicate he was there.

Except for another scream coming from the middle of a nearby crowd.

A certain multicolor-maned high flyer, dressed as her novel hero Daring Do, was standing beside Pinkie Pie the Hot Dog. Pinkie had just snagged a real beaut, gobbling it down in a single bite, and now it was Rainbow's turn to show her how it was really done.

When she turned to the tub, however, she saw something unusual, even for Nightmare Night. It almost looked like a fin was swimming around in circles. She leaned in to take a closer look, only for a striped shark to lunge out of the water and almost take her head off. Pinkie and Rainbow fell backwards, thoroughly freaked out. Nearby onlookers weren't faring so well either.

"And people thought pool sharks were unexpected. Hahahah!" the overgrown fish said before poofing away.

The coast looked clear. Rainbow Dash sat back up and cautiously...cautiously approached the tub. Gathering what courage she almost left down the inside of her leg, she dunked her head and looked around for their attacker only to find some wood and apples floating around.

"Did you have something to do with this?" she asked Pinkie as she submerged.

"Not this time."

"Oh. Was gonna say that was an awesome scare. I wonder who pulled it off?"

"I dunno, but I've gotta find out how they did it!" Pinkie chuckled.

A moment of laughs passed before three out-of-breath, panicked fillies bumped into them.

"Whoa, hey Scoots," Rainbow said, happily rubbing her purple mane. "What's going on? How's your Nightmare Night going?"

"Have either of you seen a funny-looking thing wearing a striped outfit, smells kinda funny, runs around on two legs and could do really, really weird things recently?" the filly asked with a completely unsuspicious smile on her face.

"Uhhh, no, but apparently there's a shark in the apple bobbing tub."

"Nnngh!"

The Crusaders took off, leaving the bewildered pair to shrug at each other.

Only a few dozen feet away stood Applejack in her usual scarecrow outfit, overseeing the pumpkin launch. A zombie stallion carried his ammunition on his rump over to the catapult and set it in place, ready to fire away. He dug his hooves into the dirt and took careful aim, testing the direction and velocity of the wind and trying to measure exactly how far away the targets were.

A rather impatient voice piped up from right under his hooves. "Hey, are you gonna go sometime today or what?" the pumpkin yelled at him.

"GAH!"

Startled half to death, the stallion jumped back and the vegetable flew from its holster, laughing as it soared through the air and splattered to pieces on the bullseye.

"Okay, that stung a bit worse than I expected it to. Hey, get out here, will ya?!" a chunk of it called out to seemingly no one. Its request was answered by a headless bipedal body popping into existence next to a suddenly horrified cowgirl. "Thanks for joining us, moron. Now get over here!"

The corpse extended its arms and wobbled and swayed between, around and into just about everything in the way as it tried to follow its master command. "No no no, the other way! Now go right, stupid! No, your other right! God, where's your head at, huh? Oh wait a minute, hehe! Alright, yeah. Yeah, there you go, just a little bit further. Little more... Okay, stop, stop! On the ground, right below you. Congratulations, you win the dumbass award!"

Piece by piece, the body picked up the gooey, orange chunks and putting them back together, hopefully into something resembling a head. A few minutes passed and three small fillies galloped up to it, relieved to have finally caught up.

"Apple Bloom, get away from that thing!" a frozen-stiff Applejack cried out.

"It's okay, sis, we, um...we kinda know the guy."

"How in... You know what? Ah'm not even gonna ask."

Though Apple Bloom was worried for a moment as to what her big sister was going to do to her after they all got home, she had other things going on here and now. She watched as Beetlejuice set his orange, broken head back onto his shoulders, not surprised by anything he did at this point. Especially not after how he harassed Luna.

"Uh, Beej?"

He spun around and slumped upon seeing the three thorns in his side. "Oh for the love of... Why can't you just leave me alone, huh? What'd I ever do to you? It's not like I've made anyone drop from a heart attack or anything yet! I mean, yeah, I'm still working on it, but..."

The Crusaders stared and stared at the abnormality sitting atop Beetlejuice's body.

"What?!"

"You have a pumpkin for a head."

Did he? The prankster ran his hands across his cheeks, his lack of nose, his forehead, even the stem sitting at the top of his head. "Oh, whoops. Give me a second." Taking in a deep breath, he let out a screech as his head spun around and around and around. The fillies jumped more in surprise than horror. Some patrons' jaws hit the floor while others dove behind boxes or a nearby friend.

Just as the girls were catching up with Beetlejuice, however, a recently crowned princess, dressed as a stickball player, was walking with her frightfully shy friend from the opposite direction. Hopefully the sheet covering Fluttershy would allow her to hide out in the open. No sense in giving herself away and possibly subjecting herself to any pranks or hijinks some less-than-friendly ponies would probably pull on her.

"A-are you really sure this is a good idea, Twilight? I mean, you know how much tonight of all nights scares me."

"Of course, Fluttershy! It really is one of the most fun nights of the year if you give it a chance. All our friends will be there, so you have nothing to worry about. Luna will be there too, and you know she would never let any harm come to anypony, right?"

"I guess so."

"Tell you what. If things don't turn out well for you tonight, I won't ask you to come with us next year or any year after unless you want to."

"You promise?"

"I–"

As they arrived by the targets for the pumpkin launch, they immediately saw a tall, striped thing standing before them screaming with something orange spinning like mad at its top.

"–promise?"

Suddenly, what turned out to be its head came to a halt, sitting backwards on its body, now with frizzy yellow hair and skin as pale as the dead. It looked down at the perplexed ponies and smiled with rotted teeth.

"Hey, how's it going?"

The gentle flap of a sheet as it fell to the ground, sans Fluttershy, caught Twilight's ear. She spun around and watched the last corner hit the dirt as a pink and yellow blur disappeared into the distance, whimpering loudly.

"Ugh. So much for that," she groaned, glaring at the nuisance.

"What? Don't look at me. Hahaha!"

Still irritated that all her efforts were instantly in vain, she grumbled loudly to herself and stomped her way past Beetlejuice. Hopefully the rest of her night would be better.

The loony ghost set his head right and resumed chewing out the Crusaders. "Now, as I was saying, you were the ones who called me here, you wanted to go have some fun and now you're backing out on me. Well, I'm not finished here, so if you'll excuse me!" And once again, Beetlejuice whisked himself away, leaving the three worried and exhausted fillies alone.

"Now what do we do?" Apple Bloom moaned.

The youngsters sat glumly on a bench nearby. The occasional scream or fleeing of a schoolmate or two didn't even register with them. It was supposed to be their night of fun and the weird creature that claims they summoned him was getting to have it all, even if it sometimes seemed a little over the top. Nopony had even bothered to say hello to them since they sat down. Could the night get much worse?

"Hello, girls!" a pleasant voice said, snapping them out of the doldroms. A mare in a witch costume approached them.

"Hello Miss Cheerilee," they mumbled in unison.

Their misery was written plain as day on their faces and it wasn't hard for the sharp school teacher to catch on that something was bothering them.

"What's the matter, girls? I would have thought you would be having a great time tonight."

Though none of them could make eye contact, Sweetie Belle eventually caved in and spoke up. "I think we may have accidentally summoned somepony we weren't supposed to and now he's running around causing all kinds of chaos."

She stared, unamused, at the trio.

"...Again?"

"Huh?"

She facehoofed and sighed loudly. "Ooookay. Why don't you tell me what all you were doing when your...friend showed up?"

"Okay um...let's see."

"We were walking through Sweet Apple Acres," Scootaloo began.

"And you were teasin' Sweetie Belle."

"Yeah, that wasn't very nice."

"I already said I was sorry!"

"Girls, please," Cheerilee interjected, "try and focus?"

"Right. Um...Oh! Now I remember. I said something about Granny Smith's cookies not having any betelgeuse in them. She baked some before we left. They were really good."

"Ooo, ooo! Then I was like 'ewww'," Sweetie Belle said, sticking her tongue out for emphasis.

"Then you said betelgeuse again and I told ya to stop, but then you said it a third time anyway."

"Uh huh, and then a bolt of lightning crashed on the ground and he came out of where it crashed."

Pursing her lips, the dark pink mare laughed uneasily at what seemed to be yet another in a long list of outrageous stories these particular fillies were known for making up. "That's...quite a tale, girls."

"But it's true!" A sudden nearby scream helped confirm it. Seeing a fifteen foot long snake with the prankster's head chasing after a group of ponies didn't hurt either. "Beetlejuice, come on!" Apple Bloom hollered.

"Beetlejuice?"

"That's his name, but we're not supposed to say it," the tiny unicorn said.

"Why not?"

"He told us not to."

"Did he tell you why?"

The Crusaders exchanged a glance. "Ummm..."

Cheerilee rubbed her chin, the wheels in her head cranking. "Hm. Girls, let's see if we can track down your friend."

"How are we supposed to find him?" the Junior Wonderbolt asked hopelessly. The shrieking of foals tipped them off. "Oh. Right."

Fortunately, they didn't have to go far. Only two houses away, a small group of kids was sprinting away from a house whose front door had suddenly come alive, complete with numerous sharp teeth and a despicable laugh. It saw the Crusaders and groaned in annoyance, but seeing Miss Cheerilee standing beside them peaked his interest.

He popped next to the earth pony, smiling greedily and licking his lips. "Now, y'see, this is what I'm talking about. This girl knows how to accessorize. I'm assuming you're a girl, right, what with the witch get-up? Course you are! And what do ya know? I got a broomstick you can ride, it's got some miles on it, but I've been told the ride is smooth, really smooth! Come on, you want to take it for a test drive, don't you? Hehehehe!"

As he ranted, Cheerilee spied him with utter revulsion. How he could say such disgusting things around minds as impressionable as the Crusaders went against everything the teacher stood for. Even if the youngsters had no idea what he was babbling about, she knew all too well thanks to her...rebellious teenage years.

After a moment of his sickening nonsense, she quickly put the theory that she came up with to the test. "Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice."

"Wha?! No!"

And like that, he was gone.

The Crusaders looked around and listened for any signs of trouble, but didn't hear anything. Was it really over?

"What happened? Where'd he go this time?" Apple Bloom asked.

"I have a feeling that he's gone for good," Miss Cheerilee said, a touch annoyed that she had to step in for them.

"Why's that?"

"Well, you mentioned before that you said Beetle...uh, that word...three times and then he suddenly appeared. Then, you told me very specifically that he didn't want you to say his name. It wasn't hard to put it all together."

The girls looked at each other regretfully and then up and down the street they stood on. A few burn marks here and there, some mortified ponies hyperventilating leaning against buildings, some destroyed decorum. All in all, it could have been a lot worse.

"We're sorry, Miss Cheerilee."

As much as she wanted to punish them, either there or in class tomorrow, it didn't sound like they had intended to bring such a creature to town intentionally. Heck, ultimately, she only guessed that repeating his name again was going to send him away just like it brought him there to begin with, so it's extremely unlikely that the Crusaders had any idea that they were calling him.

"It's okay, girls. I think it would probably be wise to head on home for the night, just in case."

"That's...probably a good idea," the farm pony muttered.

"See you tomorrow, Miss Cheerilee."

"Yeah. See ya."

"Good night, girls."

The sun was starting to set as the Crusaders sat in their clubhouse, finishing up the last of their homework. They were amazed that Cheerilee simply swept everything under the rug and didn't give them extra assignments to do.

What was equally amazing was that most of the other foals in class were going on and on about how awesomely fun Nightmare Night was, mostly thanks to some odd-looking striped biped, even if the scares were pretty intense sometimes. As much as they wanted to tell them they were the reason he was there, Miss Cheerilee probably would have quietly insisted they drop it lest they inadvertently reveal how they did it.

One by one, the girls closed their textbooks and put away their paperwork. Collectively sighing, they finally had a chance to talk about something that didn't involve school. There was only one thing on their minds too.

"Crazy night last night, huh?" Scootaloo started.

"Yeah. I'm just glad nopony got hurt."

"Why do ya think he was actin' the way he was?"

"Maybe he was just acting how he normally does back err...wherever he comes from."

"Maybe," the pegasus shrugged. "We never really got a chance to tell him what's considered acceptable behavior around here."

"Ah just can't believe everypony thought he was so hilarious." Apple Bloom winced. "Well, everypony except Luna."

A tiny smile crept onto Scootaloo's face as she revisited the events in her mind. "It was kinda funny how she just threw him across town, hahaha!"

"I'm still having trouble picturing that shark thing," Sweetie Belle commented. "I bet that was one heck of a good scare. Wish we could've seen it."

"Heh, yeah. Ah do hope that Fluttershy's alright though. Applejack said she was pretty shaken up when she and the others went to lunch earlier."

"Aw, she'll get over it. Just wish we could have had some fun last night."

"We didn't even get any candy," Scootaloo grumbled.

"And it's getting too late for us to have any fun tonight either."

Through all the pouting and moping, Apple Bloom spoke up as a realization hit her. "Who says we can't?"

"What do you mean?" the unicorn squeaked.

"You heard everypony in class today. They said they had the best time last night and all we did was try and stop it all from happenin', right?"

"I guess. So?"

"So, maybe we should've just, I dunno...let him do his thing."

The orange filly lifted an eyebrow. "Are you saying what I think you're saying?"

Apple Bloom swapped a glance between her friends, smirking mischievously. Scootaloo returned the grin and, after an extra moment, so did Sweetie Belle. The girls giggled as they huddled together.

"Beetlejuice..."