Immature, Foul-Mouthed, Obnoxious Murderers
Twilight Sparkle wiped some sweat off of her brow as she carefully adjusted the final piece in her latest invention. The fairly large grey contraption stood, unlike most of her machines, not in the cellar which she had refitted into a workshop and laboratory. It stood in the middle of the library, right on the table which was normally reserved for an ornate wood sculpture.
The machine in question looked not unlike a radio, except from that it was slightly larger, had needlessly many antennas and a large amount of lights, switches, and dials on the front. Overall, it looked like something one would make just because it looked cool; then said pony would realize that it was really ugly and useless, and therefore scrap it.
While adjusting her protective glasses with a wing, Twilight fastened a dial on the large contraption. Just as the bolt clicked in place, Twilight felt herself slip. The lavender unicorn crashed into the ground with a soft thud, followed by a groan in pain.
I’m fairly sure that’s not the sound my back does when I fall on it. Twilight thought.
Maybe I should use a stepladder instead of a pile of books next time. She continued to ponder.
“Ugh, what’s with you and landing on other ponies, Twilight?” Rainbow Dash muttered as she crawled away from Twilight’s underside. The lavender unicorn knew what Rainbow was talking about: the less-than-successful flying lesson the two had the day before. What had started as an easy walkthrough of the basics had quickly devolved into trying to not crash into other ponies as if they were targets on a shooting range.
“Nice to meet you too Rainbow, you came just in time.” Twilight answered while stretching her back and wings, ignoring Rainbow’s earlier comment.
“Aaand what exactly am I perfectly in time for?” Rainbow Dash asked, observing Twilight's machine with a look of curiousity, almost as if it was a piece of modern art.
“An excellent question, my dear Pegasus! Your favourite princess has just made the final adjustments to, THIS!” Twilight jubilantly exclaimed while pointing a hoof at her machine. Finally, Rainbow Dash showed some actual interest in her inventions.
“Okay, firstly: Lay off the 'princess' thing, it sounds silly. Secondly: You invented… a radio?” Rainbow Dash deadpanned. Twilight facehoofed: how could Rainbow Dash not see the amazingness in her machine?
“Just go and get the other girls, I’ll show you what this ‘radio’ is really made for!” Twilight explained while shoving Rainbow Dash out of the Golden Oaks Library, slamming the door shut as soon as Rainbow was sitting on the dirt road outside.
After a brief moment of wondering what exactly had happened, Rainbow Dash decided that the best thing to do was getting the rest of the girls, so she took off up into the sky at enormous speeds.
“What did ya call it again, Sugarcube?” Applejack asked, still trying to learn the full name of Twilight’s machine. Something that Twilight now had been repeating for almost ten minutes straight, it was getting annoying to say the least.
“It’s the Advanced Transmitting Broadcaster of Immense Potential, or the ATBIP. But I’ve decided to just call it the FOAB,” Twilight explained, trying to sound as un-annoyed as possible. Finally, a light seemed to strike Applejack. She repeated the acronym “FOAB” a couple of times silently before nodding a couple of times.
“OOOH, OOOH! Why would you call it ‘FOAB’? It doesn’t make any sense!” Pinkie cheered while bouncing all over the machine.
“To be honest, It means nothing, Pinkie. I found it in the ‘Large Dictionary of Acronyms that Nopony Use, Issue CXII. Now, would you kindly stop poking the FOAB and sit down? It’s a quite fragile piece of equipment,” Twilight requested. Pinkie quickly nodded and sat down next to Rarity.
*AHEM*”Today is a great day for ponies all over Equestria…” Twilight began before being interrupted by Rarity.
“Excuse me for interrupting, but I have an appointment at the Mane Salon.” Rarity explained, sounding slightly awkward for interrupting Twilight.
“Alright, alright…” Twilight groaned. She then turned to the machine ,starting to turn dials and flip switches with both her wings and her magic at the same time. The contraption hummed, and lights on it turned on as it activated. A long antenna extended, and a dish unfurled at the tip of it.
“Now, what this machine will do is that it will allow us to intercept signals sent by an alien race.” Twilight quickly explained without turning away from the dials.
“Alien race? What are you talking about? There are no ‘alien races’,” The five Elements said in unison, a low snicker forming between them. Twilight simply ignored them and continued tuning her machine until she reached a certain wavelength, one she knew was used by the aliens. The lavender mare then leaped away from the machine and sat down next to Fluttershy and Rarity.
Pinkie was already eating from a bag of popcorn while wearing 3-D Glasses.
A faint sound emerged from the speakers on the device, which quickly evolved into an action-packed tune. The six mares were mesmerized by the tune, it wasn’t made any instruments they knew off, but it was fast-paced and cool.
“Did we get some sort of music channel?” Rainbow asked while bobbing her head to the music. Twilight shook her head, this was supposed to be a communicative wavelength.
“Hey everyone, how’re you doing today?” a male voice emerged from the speakers. Twilight breathed out, the translation had gone flawlessly from the alien’s language to Equestrian.
“I’m going to quickscope all of you faggots with my Diamond Ballista,” another male voice said, this one sounded like it had a lower quality microphone than the other one. The girls recoiled slightly. They didn’t know what the words meant, but it did sound hostile.
“Don’t be like that, it’s only a game,” the first voice replied. This voice the girls already liked, it sounded like somepony rational and kind.
“Shut the fuck up nigga! I’m going to teabag your mom so hard she’ll shit pubic hair for a month,” a third voice yelled, though the girls couldn't decide if it was a girl or a really squeaky boy. Rarity reacted like she had been punched in the stomach.
“My, such foul language. Just what are we listening to Twilight, darling?” Rarity asked, her tone slightly annoyed. Twilight shrugged, she wasn’t actually sure on what the aliens was talking about.
“OH SHNAP! You just got burned, man!” the second voice yelled with a laugh. Twilight was starting to feel a bit uneasy, maybe she should’ve listened to the channel before she brought the girls.
“Oh, wow. I feel so owned…” the first voice replied. The girls raised a common eyebrow, was it sarcasm that they had just heard?
“Did… Did he just admit defeat? What a wimp…” Rainbow remarked, and laughed a bit at how wimpy the first voice was. The music stopped, and the voices stopped talking. The girls took a moment to discuss what they’d heard so far.
“Well, what can ah say? They sure didn’t sound old, or mature,” Applejack said, taking off her hat and fanning herself with it.
“I-I think they w-were really m-mean to the first one…” Fluttershy whispered, still trying to cope with what she had just heard. All of the mares nodded in agreement.
“It sounded like they were going to play some sort of game. I’ve heard similar things between different teams before hoofball matches,” Rainbow Dash remarked, she didn’t seem to find it too strange.
“Such an uncouth language! *hmph* I hope their mothers clean their mouths with soap!” Rarity semi-yelled, obviously frustrated at the three voices.
“So much hostility… Why can’t they just be friends?” Pinkie said in a depressed tone. The rest of the mares looked at her: the party pony’s mane had begun to deflate, and she looked sad, which was fairly uncommon for Pinkie.
“Umm… Yeah. Hold on, I think something’s happening,” Twilight exclaimed, just as sounds began emerging from the machine again.
“Eliminate all hostiles,” a deep voice said, followed by the sound of panting. Suddenly, the speakers erupted in a sound like hundreds of tiny cannons were fired simultaneously. The girls jumped pack in panic and confusion.
“Sniper down!” a voice, which they hadn’t heard yet, followed. A light began going up for the six mares, but they weren’t sure on exactly what it meant.
Another series of rapid explosions, followed by a cry of agony followed shortly after. Fluttershy yelped, and Twilight could see tears form in the pegasus’ eyes.
“A-are they…” Applejack stammered, but the rest of the ponies were too terrified to answer.
“Hostile RC-XD inbound,” the deep voice from earlier said. More panting could be heard, followed by another series of small explosion. A loud, single explosion followed afterwards. Causing Pinkie to cover her ears.
“Oh my fucking god, this kid is seriously using the RC-XD. Hey, KingOfBitches or whatever your fucking name is, stop using that piece of fucking shit scorestreak,” the second voice yelled, now the low quality of the microphone could be noticed, as the voice became distorted and fuzzy as it grew louder. Rarity stepped forward and jabbed a hoof at the radio, she was visibly angry.
“That little… BRAT! Not only is his language below every standard, he has the stomach to use a bad microphone to send his vile messages!” she snorted. The white unicorn sat back at her spot, breathing deep in order to keep her temper.
“Why is it bad if I’m killing you with it?” the first voice said. Twilight noticed that, despite the intentions, the voice DID make a good point.
“Because it’s a fuckin’ piece of shit, and you’re a fuckin’ nigger kid trying to sound smart,” the third voice, who had been silent for a while, yelled.
“Wow… The logic…” Twilight muttered.
It wasn’t until now that the girls realized just how young the voice sounded. It couldn’t belong to somepony much older than twelve years. This realization made all of the girls flinch heavily, as they all had somepony they viewed as their younger sibling.
“Can... Can we s-stop now?” Pinkie wailed. Tears were streaming down her face, and her mane was completely plastered to her head.
“Calm down. We’re only playing for fun, right?” the first voice pleaded. The two other voices responded by laughing and imitating the first voice, ridiculing it. Now, Rarity was seeing red. She pounced forward and began screaming things at the FOAB, things that aren’t appropiate for a mare of her calibre.
After blowing off her steam, Rarity slumped down on her spot. She just sat there, seemingly half-asleep.
Another number of rapid explosions erupted from the speakers. Not that it affected the mares any more, they already guessed what was going on.
“Kill confirmed!” a voice said, causing Fluttershy to gag. The rest of the ponies laid down, they weren’t really sure on how to react.
“The aliens… Let children kill each other… And treat it like a sport…” Applejack stammered, her thoughts wandering to a picture of Apple Bloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle in a pit, using different weapons to kill each other.
“Hostile attack dogs inbound!” the deep male voice said again. Fluttershy shrieked, she heard the noise of small explosions and dogs dying. This was too much for the timid pegasus, who rolled up in a ball and sobbed, completely oblivious to the surrounding world.
Twilight decided that they had heard enough, and promptly switched the FOAB off. The mares then huddled up in the middle of the room, crying and trying to comfort each other. They all slept uneasily through the night, their dreams plagued by pictures of fillies killing each other.
Author's Note
This is by no means an accurate representation of an average Call of Duty session.
Or, maybe it is.
I don't know.
Anyhow, I hope you enjoyed reading this short and stupid oneshot.
feedback is greatly appreciated.
Fun fact: This was supposed to be more of a "pure" comedy. Unfortunately, I'm unable to write "pure" comedy.
