Derpquest

by Hawattie

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Adventure, Crossover
Length: 1692

Derpy Hooves and her trusty sidekick, Colgate, defend Equestria against heinous plots, nefarious schemes, and horrifying baked goods shortages.

Derpy Hooves is not your average mailmare. No, that's just a day job.
Her real work only happens when the mail's all gone.
When Equestria is threatened by forces from outside their universe, the royal sisters call upon Derpy, and her trusty sidekick, Colgate, to defend the world. Oftentimes she must take the battle back across the multiversal divide to stop the problems at its root.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-27 03:10:07 UTC

The first muffin

In the oppressive heat of a midsummer’s night, somewhere in Neighvada, two ponies worked together to complete a difficult task. One of these ponies, a gray pegasus with a blonde mane and a rather... unique outfit took a moment to think something through, leaving her partner to handle her share of the work for a few seconds.

Coming to a decision with a small nod to herself, the mare declared, “I need a pocket watch!”

“Is now really the time to be thinking about accessories?” Her partner, a light blue unicorn, asked as she dodged a blow from one of the changelings the duo was fighting.

“Yeah!” the gray mare chirped with a vigorous nod of her helmeted head which, coincidentally, struck a changeling in the mouth, knocking one of its teeth out and eliminating an opponent from the battle. “Don’t you think a nice pocket watch would look awesome with my Katana?”

“Yes Derpy,” the not-so-strangely dressed unicorn deadpanned, “It’d look lovely.” Her sarcasm may have been lost to the ditzy mare, but the swift one-two buck she delivered to a particularly pesky foe certainly found its mark.

“Thanks for the input Colgate!” A PipBoy-clad hoof met a chitin-encased skull in its haste to hug the blue mare for her excellent encouragement. While not always so, in this case, the hoof came out on top of the encounter. “I’m gonna see if Doc’ Turner’ll make me one as soon as we get back home!”

“But wait...” Colgate paused her question for as long as it took her to fry a changeling with her magic. “Doesn’t that Pip-thingy already tell the time? Why would you need a watch?”

Derpy gave her friend a look which could vaporize changelings. In fact, that’s exactly what it did.

Or was that the multi-purpose blaster strapped to her shoulder?

“When will you ever learn, Colgate?” she chided, “It’s not about the function of your gear, it’s about looking buckin’ awesome while you kick flank! You gotta make an impression on the enemy, so they remember you and tell their friends about that badflank mare who kicked their tails from here to Everfree! A nice pocket watch with the gears showing through would add that little flare of steampunkish-ness I’ve been lacking.”

Blue hoof met blue face in a facehoof of epic proportions. “Why do I even try?” the unicorn groaned, taking care to dodge the changeling attempting to take advantage of her momentary distraction. “There’s just... no reasoning with you, is there?”

“Nope!”

If she wasn’t too focused on the fight, Colgate would’ve facehoofed again. “That was a rhetorical question.”

“I know!”

“Then why did you...!? Ugh!” Several unlucky changelings found themselves short a few non-vital body parts as Colgate vented. “You are impossible, Derpy! I don’t know why I agree to come with you sometimes!”

“Maybe it’s because you’d get kicked out of the guild if you didn’t?” Derpy offered.

“That was rhetorical, Derpy!”

“Oh...” The duo used the ensuing silence as an excuse to finish off the last few changelings. Colgate’s intense concentration and carefully executed strikes offset by Derpy’s carefree katana swings.

“If you wanted,” Derpy offered after the last insect body hit the ground, “I could give you some tips on making a cool outfit!”

Colgate’s reply came as swiftly as it was short. “No.”

Traces of tears began to form in Derpy’s eyes. “Aww,” she whined, “but it would be fun!”

“Let’s just focus on the mission for now, we can talk more later.” Colgate quickly cast a spell to trace the changelings’ point of origin, and started walking away.

Derpy pouted. “We never get to spend time together...”

~~~

Several miles away, in a seemingly abandoned evil fortress of evil, an immensely evil presence went over the final stages of its evil plan. Evilly, the evil presence let out an evil laugh as it evilly observed the two unsuspecting ponies walking right into its excessively evil trap.

Did I mention the presence was evil?

“Soon,” the presence said, rubbing its evil appendages in an evil manner. Even its voice sounded evil as it monologued to the evil atmosphere of its evil lair, “I will finally put a stop to the Guild, and with ponykind’s final resistance gone, Equestria will finally be mine!” It let out an evil laugh.

The laugh was so evil, in fact, that the evil reverberations it caused dislodged a loose stalactite from the evil ceiling of the evil lair, causing the evil cone of evilite -a type of evil rock commonly found in evil lairs- to evilly fall onto the evil presence’s evil head.

The evil presence cursed. Evilly.

Evilly rubbing its evil head to rid itself of the evil pain, the evil presence backed slowly into the shadows. The dramatically evil scene was completed when the presence again whispered, “Soon,” followed by another evil laugh.

~~~

“This seems like a strange place for changelings to hide,” Derpy observed.

Colgate had led the duo to a small dusty old shack at the base of a mountain. The shack certainly showed signs of changeling inhabitation, the large cocoons filled with unresponsive ponies were enough to give that away, but changelings usually decided to lair in caves. Something about the dank ambiance which pony-made structures lack really resonated with the insects.

~~~

Surprisingly, neither pony noticed the distinctly evil-looking castle perched evilly atop the evil mountain the changeling’s shack was built next to. The evil presence within the evil castle grinned evilly knowing that its evil cloaking device was doing its evil job.

~~~

Derpy's ear twitched, the small transceiver disguised as an earring had picked up a message. "Hold up," she said, "I'm getting a call. Could be new orders."

Colgate sighed in irritation. Command sure knew how to interrupt a mission. The azure pony followed Derpy outside the little shack and sat against one of its walls.

~~~

Up in the evil castle, the evil presence evilly fumed. The blue pony had been inches away from triggering the evil tripwire evilly strung in the middle of the small shack connected to the evil explosives lining the walls when the gray pony made them both back out.

The evil presence evilly stormed over to its evil chalkboard. It picked up an evil-colored stick of chalk and evilly crossed out the words "evil explosive trap of evil in the evil shack". Above the new addition were a few dozen equally evil traps and schemes that the gray pony had unwittingly avoided.

"If that infernal grey pony avoids one more of my evil traps," the evil presence seethed, "I'll go down there and evilly deal with them myself. With evil." Its evil declaration made, the evil presence evilly skulked off to prepare for its inevitable evil departure.

~~~

"New orders are to finish up here quickly," Derpy summarized to the patiently waiting Colgate. "We're needed for something." The gray pegasus casually strolled over to the shack's door, unknowingly stepping off the pitfall trap which had dug itself under her moments before.

"Any details?" Colgate inquired, rising to join the pegasus. "Or is it," the unicorn affected a snooty accent, "'need to know' only?"

Derpy shrugged. "They said something about the 'evilometer' going off the charts, but other than that, nothing."

"Figures," Colgate sighed, "they never tell us anything."

Just as the duo was entering the shack for a second time, an evil chill shivered its way up their spines. The sound of teleportation announced the presence of someone behind them, and the ponies slowly turned.

Standing before them was a dark figure. It was tall, bipedal, and dressed in the bones of its victims. "You two have evaded me for long enough!" it barked. Its hands glowed with the tell-tale signs of magic, and a massive scythe appeared in the figure's grasp.

Derpy and Colgate shared a glance. A glance which said, "Since when were we evading someone?" Or at least, that's what Colgate's glance asked. Derpy's was more along the lines of "When can I get my next muffin?"

"Now it is time for you to die!" The evil figure rushed the two ponies, scythe held high. The two ponies scattered, one dodging left, the other right. Colgate, as nimble on her hooves as any dancer, easily avoided the evil figure's clumsy and predictable strikes.

Derpy on the other hoof... not three steps away from her starting position the pegasus tripped on a rock. Her face carved a new furrow in the dirt while the figure's scythe cleaved the air where her head had just been. To the figure's dismay instead of slicing through flesh, its weapon sliced through a thin strap holding a small metal cylinder onto the mares body. The metal cylinder sailed through the air in an impressive arc until it landed in the evil figure's outstretched hand.

"Ho ho!" the figure chuckled evilly. It had seen the power of the grey mare's tools, and now it had one for itself! "What's this do?" It spied a button on the side, and moved a finger to press it.

Derpy, seeing what the figure was about to do, attempted to protest. "No wait-" But it was too late.

With a hum, a brilliant beam of blue energy erupted from the light saber. The energy blade was powerful enough to cut through nearly any metal, and could slice through flesh like butter. Which is what it did, since the figure was holding the device backwards. "Blast!" the evil figure cursed weakly, the life draining from him. "I am undone!"

"I tried to warn you," Derpy said, kneeling next to the figure's prone form. She stayed there until the life had fully left the figure. Solemnly, the pegasus closed the evil figure's eyes one last time, retrieved her trusty light saber from its grasp, and stood to leave.

The grey mare brought a hoof to her ear, triggering the transceiver. "Base? I think your evilometer readings should be dropping back down to normal." She glanced over to Colgate, who had watched the entire affair with a half amused, half annoyed look. "We're heading home."