A lesson in equine biology
This wasn’t quite what I had in mind
“When you said you wanted my help to give some ponies a biology lesson, this wasn't quite what I had in mind!” The alicorn looked around the small room at the gathered ‘students’. “I mean, I don't want to pull the 'Princess' rank on you or anything, but I'm kinda busy at the moment. Can we play another day?”
“Play? I said to these students parents’ that I was going to teach them about all the pony races, and that’s what I intend to do” Pinkie replied proudly and rather sternly.
“But why do you need me?” Twilight asked one of her best friends.
“Well dur, how many ponies have both wings and a horn?” Pinkie leant into her friend for a sideways hug, ignoring any concept of personal space.
“That’s true I guess” Twilight mused at the sudden logicalness of the pink earth pony “There’s not many of us” she giggled
“The answers four!” Pinkie turned to her Princess friend with a quizzical look “I’m surprised you didn't know that?”
“I knew the answer Pinkie” Twilight huffed “I was being rhetorical”
“Oh course you did Twilight, of course you did” Pinkie replied condescendingly, rubbing her hoof across Twilights head “Don’t worry, you’re a Princess now, you don’t need to worry about passing Celestia’s tests anymore!”
“I know how many Princesses there are!” Twilight turned away from the earths pony hoof and started rubbing her temples, the beginning of a pinkie pie headache forming in the usual manner, much quicker then normal.
“Yet, when pressed, you couldn't give the answer?”
The two Cake foals sat watching this playing out in front of the ‘classroom’ Pinkie had set up in the playroom. Whilst it wasn't the usual physical humour they enjoyed most, their young innocent intellects seemed to understand how Pinkie’s illogical ways worked. Therefore, they found it highly amusing to see other ponies slowly lose their sanity around the pink menace.
Realising the conversation was drastically altering away from anything useful, Twilight took a deep cleansing breath and tried to refocus her thoughts “Well, regardless of that, couldn't you just, you know, use a picture book or something?”
“Princess Twilight Sparkle, I’m surprised at you” Pinkie took a serious voice, and the use of her friends full name made it sound much more formal “I know you like books, but surely you would want to help teach young ponies?”
“I didn’t mean I wasn’t willing…”
“Surely Celestia didn’t just leave you with books to read, but taught you herself?”
“No, of course not, I meant…” Twilight tried to get a word in
“Do you think that your time is more important than Celestia’s was?”
“No! Nononono! Of course not…”
“Or do you think that Pound and Pumpkins education isn’t as important as yours was?”
As if on cue, the Twins looked at the purple princess with the saddest looking eyes and facial expressions ever known to ponykind, knowing their part in Pinkie's mad train of thought. Twilight was caught between trying to get rid of the headache building up again, and her heart practically exploding of cuteness from the foals actions.
Twilight sank down in defeat “Of course Pinkie, I didn’t mean anything, I will be happy to help your lesson…teacher”
“Please call me Ms Pie, Princess Sparkle” Pinkie suddenly had a pair of glasses on, and a pointing stick in one hoof. As if on queue the twins gave a couple of little hoof claps, then sat there quietly looking attentively at the pair.
“Good afternoon class. We are here today to learn about the Parts of an Equestria Pony. To help me today I have Princess Twilight Sparkle to assist us!”
Pinkie turned and faced Twilight, obviously expecting a response.
“Eh, Hi?” Twilight replied.
“Hi? Is that how Princesses introduce themselves now?” Pinkie frowned at Twilight.
“Well Pinkie…”
“Ms Pie” the pink pony reminded
Twilight huffed “Well, Ms Pie…”
“Please Princess, no need to be so formal, you can call me Pinkie!” the earth pony spoke and smiled warmly.
Twilight thought about spontaneously bursting in flames, or just teleporting Pinkie to the moon or something, but then noticed the twins giggling away at the pairs interplay. Come on Twilight, this can’t take too long, you can do this. You have been up against dark forces, trapped in caves, attacked by dragons…surely an hour with Pinkie can’t kill you
“As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted...” Pinkie restarted.
“Er, Pinkie, I didn’t interrupt you” Twilight interjected.
“You just did!”
“But that was after you said I had!” Twilight complained, already exasperated despite calming herself a moment ago.
“My pinkie sense told me you were going to!” Pinkie just smiled back.
“Oh, which part of you twitched or wobbled?” Twilight asked accusingly.
“Glad you asked Princess. We might as well start with the head, as that has some of the major senses! And at the top of the head for everypony is the Flippty Floppers” and Pinkie pointed to Twilights ears
“You mean ears?”
Pinkie ignored Twilight and continued speaking to the twins “The Flippity Floppers serve two main purposes. Firstly, they allow us to focus in on sounds, which you are doing now so no need to teach you that. But they also have secondary purpose that allows ponies to convey feelings without saying anything. A lot of body language is done by the Flippity Floppers...”
Twilight was actually surprised Pinkie gave such a good description...
“…as Princess Sparkle will now demonstrate. Happy!” Pinkie declared.
Twilight just stared at the earth pony.
“Happy!” the pink mare repeated.
“Pinkie, is this…”
“Happy!” she interrupted the complaint.
“I really don’t see…”
“I can do this all daaaaayyyyy!” Pinkie sang, causing the twins to giggle “Happy!”
Twilight sighed, turned to the twins and pricked up her ears to simulate being happy Path of least resistance, just go with it!
“Sad!” Twilight flattened her ears.
“Scared!” Twilight pushed her ears back.
“That-feeling-you-get-when-your-baking-cupcakes-for-a-party-and-you-think-you-don’t-have-enough-cupcakes-for-everypony-but-then-somepony-turns-up-who-doesn’t-like-cupcakes-and-whilst-you-are-glad-there-is-enough-cupcakes-to-go-around-a-part-of-you-is-shocked-to-hear-that-somepony-doesn’t-like-cupcakes!”
Twilight slowly turned to face Pinkie.
“No, that’s confused silly, but good enough. Again, lucky Celestia’s not testing you” Pinkie shot twilight a big smile. The twins giggled as Twilights face went through about six emotions at the same time. But before she could vocalise her thoughts, Pinkie was addressing the twins again.
“The next part of I want to talk about is the Pony Peepers. Again, these serve two main functions to allow you to see in all directions such as…” and she turned to Twilight “…Up, Down, Left, Right, East, Now a little leftish while staying rightly, Starboard, North!” Twilight moved her eyes around as instructed, trying to get it over with.
“Well demonstrated Princess! The other thing they do is also express feelings via the Pony Peepers much like the Flippity Floppers. For example, the Princesses Peepers are showing annoyance at me”
Twilight realised she was indeed being less than friendly facially towards Pinkie, and quickly tried to smile at her friend.
“Oh, and that’s seductive!”
“That’s not a seductive look Pinkie!”
“Oh, and how would you know? Have you been practising your seductive look then, perhaps for somepony in particular?” Pausing for enough time for Twilight’s cheeks to turn a slight shade pinker “And that Pound and Pumpkin is the Pony Peepers and Flippity Floppers showing embarrassment!” Pinkie concluded, to giggles of delights and the occasional claps from the foals
It’s going to be a long lesson Twilight thought to herself.
“The last thing everypony had in common on the head is the Whiffermuzzle” Pinkie used the stick to point to Twilight’s nose, nearly making the tip enter one of the royal nostrils. “Notice how Twilight's Whiffermuzzle is curved like mine and yours. Female equines Whiffermuzzles, like ours Pumpkin, stay curved whilst male equines, like yours Pound, will have their Whiffermuzzles become more angular as you grow and end up like your father's”
Pinkie took a rare breath before continuing “Other species vary, with for example Zebra’s being angular like colts, but most ponies follow these two rules. The exceptions are of course our beloved Princesses which have a more angular Whiffermuzzle despite being female.”
Pinkie turned to face Twilight for her grand conclusion “So basically, our newest Princess will become more coltish as she grows up!”
“I will not!” Twilight gasped “That’s not how it works!”
“Oh really, Princess Sparkle, I’ve seen the pictures of Cadence when she foalsat you, she had a curved Whiffermuzzle then, but doesn’t now!”
Twilight brought a hoof up to her nose “My muzzle? Coltish?” she started mumbling to herself “I never thought about how I’m going to change!”
Ignoring the concerns her friend was having for the upcoming changes to her body, Pinkie turned back to the foals “The Whiffermuzzle is primarily used for smelling, which is very important in cooking as soon as you smell burning, you know to take the cake out of the oven a minute earlier. You can always time your baking that way, that’s a Pinkie Patented Top Baking Tip!”
This snapped twilight over her concern for possibly having to save up for a muzzle-job, and even the twins joined Twilight in being confused at that piece of logic. The twins and the Princess just looked at each other blankly, before all three just shrugged their shoulders.
“Now we get onto the first of the pony race specific items, the Magic Zapper which every unicorn and alicorn has. It allows the unicorns to perform their feats of magic, and you know, generally lord it over the earth ponies!”
“Pinkie, I don’t ‘lord it over’ you, do I?” Twilight asked a little defensively, still a little unused to being a Princess. She still was worried how her friends really felt about her, and this was the last thing she needed to hear.
“Okay, you lady it over us at the moment, until your muzzle changes of course!”
“I help ponies with my magic! I have saved Equestria from eternal night and saved Ponyville from a flood, an Ursa Minor, Trixie…” Twilight was about to continue her monologue when she noticed Pinkie trying to stifle her giggles and the Cake twins doing the same.
“Oh Princess, you are so easy to get going, you know that!” Pinkie finally burst into laughter, rolling on the floor.
I really must not take myself too seriously Twilight thought to herself, and began chuckling in response Trust Pinkie to bring me down a peg or two!
“But magic is no laughing matter Princess” Pinkie suddenly appeared next to Twilight, her teacher glasses back on her nose “And please take this lesson seriously”
Twilight jumped sideways confused, and knocked against a cupboard with a bag of flour on the top. The bag fell and was about to spill over her, but Twilight caught the bag in her aura. The twins looked on with a little frown as the bag hovered above the princess, but then the bag split open, covering the alicorn from head to hoof in white flour.
“Wow Twilight, I know you have a thing for Celestia but dressing up as her? Isn't that a bit creepy?”
By now the twins were laughing hysterically again, and twilight just blinked the flour away from her eyes. She stood up and cast a cleaning spell, removing all traces of white from her coat and mane.
“Nice demonstration of magic Princess Sparkle, would you care to demonstrate some more?”
“With pleasure, Ms Pie” Twilight agreed, glad to help move the lesson along. She did some basic levitation and teleportation magic for the foals. Pumpkin had a wide smile on her face, like she was remembering the few times she had used her magic, and she started clapping her hooves randomly. However, the baby colt had a little frown on his face.
“Now Pound, you may not have a Magic Zapper, but you have something else, you have a pair of Flutter Flappers”
As if on cue Twilight extended her wide Alicorn wings, decoding Pinkie’s unusual phrasings, causing the foals to give a simultaneous “ohhhh” sound as there vision was filled by the large wings.
“I know, fancy aren’t they?” Pinkie added, lying on top of the alicorns back, her head appearing over the top of Twilights head.
“Pinkie, personal space!”
The earth pony ignored the very concept as usual and continued “The pegasusususes use their Flutter Flappers to soar majestically through the sky…” and as the earth pony jumped off Twilights back “…as Princess Sparkle will now demonstrate”
“Pinkie, you know I can’t really fly yet” Twilight turned to her friend shyly “Especially in small areas like indoors” As if on queue, Pound and Pumpkin started welling up like they were ready to cry How does she get them to do that?
“Okay, I’ll give it a try” the Princess sighed, to a collective yay from the three others in the room. Twilight jumped a little in the air, and flapped her wings. For exactly 0.63 seconds she achieved stable flight, until her inexperience meant she lost control. She fell backwards, hit the same cupboard and crashed into the ground. Being a little dazed, she didn’t notice another bag of flour falling onto her until it was too late…
“Yeah. I think I can see where this is going” Twilight snorted the new flour out of her nostrils as the three members of the cake family laughed themselves silly.
One quick spell to clean up later, Twilight stood watching the two ‘students’ whilst Pinkie went to get the twins a snack. The twins just looked at the Princess, wide smiles on their faces as they babbled in their own language. They seemed to be able to understand each other, and Twilights natural paranoia kicked in They are planning against me aren't they, that’s how they can look so cute on queue and get me to do what they want!
Pinkie soon returned and put bowls of apple sauce in front of twins, and then stood next to her friend.
“Having dealt with the equine head, and flutter-flappers for the ‘winged beasts’, lets move down the body. Underneath the Whiffermuzzle we find one of my favourite places…the hug zone!”
The earth pony grabbed Twilight and brought her into a deep hug. After a couple of seconds longer than the usual socially acceptable length of time for a hug, Pinkie broke it off and went to give the twins sitting in their highchairs a joint hug. After a few moments she realised them, and the twins turned to Twilight, holding their hooves out expectantly. Twilight’s heart exploded again (Alicorn hearts can explode twice) and she trotted over to give the twins a hug, the pair of foals cooing affectionately as the Princess also wrapped a wing around each of them.
Eventually she broke off the hug, one that for some unknown reason she found it difficult to do, and moved back next to Pinkie who continued her lesson.
“The hug zone is fun, and moving further down we find another fun place, the so called ‘wub zone’” Pinkie started rubbing twilights belly and the princess started to laugh. “The wub zone is great for getting ponies to loosen up a little” and with that Pinkie started rubbing with a second hoof.
“Okay pinkie, that’s enough” Twilight giggled trying to move away from the earth pony’s tickling. But the pink menace continued her rubbing and before she knew it Twilight was laughing. She tried to use her hooves, and then her magic, to push the earth pony away but she couldn't focus and Pinkie was too fast. Before the newest Princess of Equestria knew it, she was helplessly laughing and rolling around on the floor. The twins laughter became as hysterical as Twilight’s as they watched their best friend reduce the royal pony to a giggling filly.
The hooves withdrew and as Twilight tried to compose herself she heard “And if Princess Sparkle has finished playing around, we can continue our lesson” in Pinkie's stern teachers voice.
Twilight got herself back to her hooves, and thought about complaining that Pinkie caused all the interruptions, but she turned to the twins who were already shaking their heads towards her as if to say “No Princess, don’t bother arguing”
“Next up are the two pairs of legs common to all ponies and many other creatures such as Zebras and Buffalos – we just have to remember we're all hoofed at the end of each leg. The front two we call ‘Clippity-cloppers’, because well, they make a clippity clop sound! Well, they don’t when on grass obviously, or when unshod like most us ponies are. But Princess Sparkle has her golden hoofslippers with her to help demonstrate”
Twilight levitated her shoes over, along with a corresponding “ohhhh” from the foals, and stepped into them. She then slowly brought her legs up and down making a soft clopping sound.
“A bit more effort please Princess Sparkle”
Twilight rolled her eyes, but seeing that the foals seem enthralled by the sound, she started trotting around the room. Noticing that both pound and pumpkin seemed delighted by the noise, she began prancing and trying to beat out a little tune with her steps. The gurgles of delight from the youngsters more then made up for the silliness of what she was doing.
Twilight came to a halt in front of the twins, who responded with a smile and a few claps of their hooves “Thank you Princess Sparkle, well demonstrated for a change. Now students, the rear legs…”Pinkie pointed to Twilights legs “…are usually called the Tree Buckers, and are the strongest part of the pony. Earth ponies use them for farming, but as there is are no trees here, nor indeed a handy Fluttershy, the Princess will not be able to demonstrate. Ponies also use them in self defence, as a swift kick from the tree buckers can see off many nasties”
As if on queue, Twilight flexed out one of her Tree Buckers in a kicking motion, which seemed to intrigue Pound more than Pumpkin
“But of course no doubt now Twilight is going to leave the fighting to her protégé now, like that lazy Celestia did”
“Princess Celestia isn’t lazy!” Twilight snapped back
“Oh, then how come you had to defeat Nightmare Moon, the Dragon, Discord, the changelings and mostly save the crystal empire?”
“Well…she’s a good delegator” Twilight replied defensively
“You mean like Gummy?”
“No, he’s an Alligator”
“No he’s not, he does everything himself! I try arguing with him, but he’s very persuasive”
Twilight rubbed her temples again, trying to dispel the headache that had reformed “Ms Pie, what’s next”
“Glad you asked my lowly assistant, and we move onto the special part of every Equestria pony, the Cutie Mark. Now, all you need to know about cutie marks is that a pony gets one when he or she discovers that certain something that makes them extra-special!”
Twilight thought that was one of the simplest explanations Pinkie had given, so it was bound not to last. Pinkie took a deep breath
“Unless-you-fore-destined-to-become-one-of-the-saviour-of-the-kingdom-when-you-get-one-when-you-seem-to-be-at-your-lowest-point,-either-physically-in-Fluttershy’s-case,-or-mentally-for-Twilight,-Applejack,-Rarity-and-Myself.-But-then,-a-sonic-rainboom-sparks-something-inside-of-you-all-so-you-all-get-your-cutie-marks-at-the-same-time.And-forget-about-all-the-conspiracy-theories-that-Celestia-set-of-our-lives-up-just-to-get-her-sister-back-and-it’s-all-a-plan-to-make-Twilight-a-princess-so-Celestia-can-have-a-vacation.-But-to-do-that-Twilight-had-to-swap-all-of-our-cutie-marks-and-only-a-catchy-tune-and-associated-flashmob-could-cure-us”
Pinkie breathed out “And that’s how Equestria was made!”
Twilight joined the twins in there very first facehoof, and pinkie looked at the three ponies looking exasperated “Too much?” the earth pony asked
“A little” Twilight replied
“Okey-dokey-lokey!” Pinkie Pie just responded laughed without a concern “The cutie mark is on the flank, just in front of the Tushie”
“Tushie?” Twilight deadpanned
“Tushie!” Pinkie responded a little too enthusiastically “The tushie is what you sit on, and have all sorts of other uses like bouncing during the piggie dance!”
“I’m not bouncing on my Tushie” Twilight replied.
“Why Princess Sparkle, I’m surprised you think of something so embarrassing? But what you could do is help with the last item” Pinkie picked up the end of Twilights tail in her hooves “Yes, at the end of each pony is the Parasprite Whip. It can be used for many things, as it is a surprising supple part of a pony. Twilight can demonstrate this by showing how one can whip away an annoying bug, such as a parasprite”
Twilight quickly whipped her tail around, flicking away the imaginary invading insects. She turned to her friend, to find her blushing a little “Er, Twilight, I asked you to demonstrate how you would whip away a parasprite”
“That’s what I did?” the purple pony responded
“No Twilight, that’s seductive again!” Pinkie replied “Are you trying to tell me something?”
The foals burst into more laughter and Twilight just couldn’t help but join in She may be random and annoying at times, but boy do I love Pinkie!
Twilight watched the two foals sleeping in their cot, a look of pure contentment across the twins faces. The Alicorn found herself feeling something that she hadn’t felt before, a sensation deep in her wub zone. For the briefest of moments Twilight pondered whether she would ever have the opportunity to have foals of her own now she was a Princess. But that thought alone caused a smile to creep across her whiffermuzzle Very feminine whiffermuzzle…and that’s how it’s staying
Quietly leaving the room, making sure her clippty-cloppers didn’t make a sound, she slowly closed the bedroom door with her magic zapper. Descending the stairs she found her friend in the closed bakery, making them a pair of delicious hot-chocolates with extra oats. Pinkie tossed one through the air to Twilight along with a ring donut.
“It was kinda fun today…not exactly what I thought you had in mind, but enjoyable none the less!” Twilight sat drinking the hot drink that she had managed to catch before it split anywhere, although the donut had fallen over her horn without her noticing.
“Well, you could always fall back on being a teacher if this whole ‘magic’ thing doesn’t work out. You know, a backup profession”
Twilight smiled at Pinkie’s irrational line of logic, knowing it best not to question it further “It wasn’t the most educational of biology lessons I’ve ever seen”
“Yes, but it was super-duper-uper fun, wasn’t it!”
Twilight thought back at the silly prancing, the embarrassing tickling and everything else, but most importantly the delight on the young foals faces “Yes pinkie, it was!”
The mares drunk their drinks a little more, and Twilight eventually ate the pastry that she noticed was on her forehead. Once finished, the alicorn was the first to break the silence “Do you ever think about…you know…having foals when you get older?”
“How is your penpal Flash Sentry by the way?” Pinkie replied, causing Twilight to spurt out her drink halfway across the bakery and turn bright crimson. The pink earth pony raised her eyebrows, ones that Twilight had never had before “I’ll take that as its going well?”
