Heartwarming Story

by Commander Ponysun

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 1471

The fine people of Germany visit Equestria and everyone has fun.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-03-05 19:34:01 UTC

Heartwarming Chapter

Apollo Celestia, current ruler and princess of the fair nation of Equestria was quietly musing over her faithful student and protege, Twilight Sparkle's recent reports on her research on the magic of friendship. It filled her heart with joy whenever a pony is blessed by the magic of friendship, and her student was spreading it far and wide. Not like the country needed it of course, the land was a utopia of culture, art, and science which far exceeded the other barbaric races that shared this world with the fair, gentle ponies. Her thoughts on how pretentious she was of her own culture was completely interrupted when a black portal suddenly appeared in the room. Emerging from it, was a black suited man carrying a long tube.

"PANZASHERK" The man suddenly yelled, and the tube's ends exploded, and a piece of metal flew out, and detonated into Celestia's face, and her body gibbed into thousands of pieces around the room.

An hour later..

Only an hour after Celestia's corpse was brought back to life, raped, and then drowned and crushed in liquid concrete, the entire city of Canterlot fell to the Nazi's might. One pony, two pony, new pony, old pony were executed in a similar manner and before long, the entire city was deserted and empty, except for the mutilated bodies of the ponies of-course. Setting his eyes on the closest village to Canterlot, Hitler and his Nazi forces quickly attacked Ponyville.

"Dus it hurt when I do ziz?" The medic asked, slicing a bonesaw through Rainbow Dash's wing.

"YES! YES! STOP PLEASE!!" She begged, but the medic only intensified his sawing.

"How iz za other pony dozing?" He questioned, and the red medic responded with vigor.

"Oh, Pinkie Pie died hours ago! I just finished befouling her corpse!"

SPLAT! Rainbow Dash's neck suddenly burst open, and a multitude of maggots poured out of the rotten flesh.

"Zo, I guess she had zoo much rapeseed!"

"ZAHAHAHAHAH" They both laughed.

"Now, fahr our nehxt subjakt, bring her zin!" He blue medic ordered, and the red medic suddenly pulled a curtain revealing Fluttershy. The red and blue medics quickly got to work, tieing her to the operation table and slicing her belly open with a rusty shank, eliciting a whimper and a slow trickle of gentle blood.

"Why... are you.. doing this.." She whispered, but her jaw was instantly smashed with a telescope.

"Your a horrible character and the fanbase is stupid for liking you!" Both medics said simultaneously, then broke out into fits of laughter.

"Now, time for ze surgery."

The red medic suddenly clawed her heart out, and grabbed a uber-meter from a supply closet.

"Now, most hearts couldnt withstand this voltage, but your hea-" He was suddenly cut off from his monologue as the heart exploded under the medigun's beam that wasn't mentioned in the story beforehand.

"Oh, I guess your going to die now!"

Right at that moment, Adolf Hitler opened the door, get on the floor, everybody walk the dinosaur.

Author's Note.

You need to have at least 1 published chapter and at least 1000 words across all chapters to submit your story!

Seriously? What the hell, it's harder to publish all of my fine, fine stories across this very good legitimate site of mature internet users who seek to read other fan-created stories about a show for little girls about miniature horses and rainbows, and butterflies, and balloons. So... how exactly do I fill all this empty space?

Jesus...

Hmmm... how about I start doing game reviews?

Okay, how about Warhammer 40k: Space Marine?

Yeah lets do that.

To start, the campaign is wonderful, the OST is perfect, I love everything, atleast everything except Leandros, fuck that fag.

But the multiplayer is where it starts to suck ass.

See, after you finish single-player, and you got all those weapons and upgrades in it, you expect your multiplayer character to be like that too!

NOPE.

Your guy is severely limited to what he can or cant have, and there isn't even executions, what the shit?

Aside from that, it's fun..

Except for the fucking lag.

jesus christ the lag is terribule, I am constantly being killed by heavy bolters phazing through solid habblocks, other marines, and dreadnoughts. The melta gun is also terrible, it barely even registers as a hit most of the time, now thats my two cents.

Now to save this and see how many words there are now.

Okay, seven hundred. Thats pretty good.. so how many did I just fill?

Two hundred.. fuck.

Okay, I was eating Sherbert, put the bowl on my bed, and now it's frozen and yellow.

FUCK.

Okay, to fill the gap, this is MY completely original and legitimate article I made on peasant railguns.

The Peasant Railgun, a weapon of mass game-breaking destruction.

Relies on a few basic rules in the DnD system: readying actions and the length of a combat round (6 seconds).

Contents [hide]

1 Creating a Peasant Railgun

2 Practical Applications

3 Warning

4 See also

[edit]Creating a Peasant Railgun

Hire a ton of peasants; let's just say that it is two thousand two hundred and eighty. Line them up in single file; this will form a chain of peasants two miles long. It'd have been four miles back in MY day (witness me hiking up my 2nd Edition suspenders).

Buy a ladder. Just buy a standard, ten-foot ladder. Disassemble the ladder into a bunch of rungs and a pair of mighty ten-foot wooden poles. Hand a pole to the peasant at the back of line.

First round of combat. Peasant at the front of line readies an action to throw the pole at the enemy. Every peasant behind him readies an action to hand the pole to the peasant in front of him.

Next round: peasants fire off their readied actions, passing the pole two miles down the line and hurling it in six seconds or less. Pole accelerates to the speed of 1200 miles per hour, or a little less than Mach 2 at sea level.

Peasant Railgun can be reloaded and fired in less than 12 seconds.

Variations - Really, your choice. Weapon is scalable, you could use your peasant railgun to fire a number of things at a really long range. Add more peasants to make the weapons even faster; paint them red to make them fasta. Use gobbos to make a DnD grot cannon. Hurl pointy bombs for HEAT weapons. Severed heads make an impressive psychological warfare tool. It's even more wild with a bag of holding - place a team of fighters in it for DYNAMIC ENTRY over castle walls and shit, hurl some fucking bear cavalry directly into enemy lines, who knows. You can also throw a halfling monk to take full advantage of Flurry of Blows at 1200 mph. Combine this with the 15,000,000 gold-a-day trick and you're ready to absolutely ruin your DM's day.

????

Motherfucking PROFIT

[edit]Practical Applications

A campaign I was in recently employed a peasant railgun in a large-scale battle. Our mage was a dumbass and decided to launch an alchemical flask from said railgun and into the heart of the enemy forces. It blew up and killed a bunch of the enemy. Our DM got back at us by making it tear a big-ass hole in the time-space continuum. The same mage decides to approach the hole, and when he touches it, it blasts him across the fucking map and vaporizes some more enemy troops.

Our mass was 3.6287896kg (8 pounds, the weight of a first edition 10 foot pole), our speed was 536.448m/s (1200 miles an hour). The final kinetic energy was 520,005 Joules. This is similar to 1200g of TNT, or a quarter of a stick of dynamite. It's not exactly a weapon of mind blowing destruction, the maths breaks it before the GM has to. It gets worse (for the weapons sake) when one considers drag, that would tear the projectile apart into a flaming swarm of splinters before it reached the end of your peasant chain. The only way this thing works if if: a)Your GM allows for real world physics to translate into the game b) Your GM doesn't actually know real world physics

[edit]Warning

If your DM is paying attention, the projectile just falls harmlessly to the ground at the end of the chain, because there's no rules for acceleration or momentum in D&D. That said, you still have a sweet mailing system on your hands.

Though, if you apply this logic to other things, such as bows, then that means that the arrows literally teleport to where they were shot and the impact doesn't do the damage, it's the partial telefragging effect.