Chapters Butterscotch's Adventures in Equestria
Twilight lay on her bed, fresh from a long bath. Her body was steaming hot, and where her robe had slipped off her shoulders her lavender coat glistening in the candlelight. She sighed, stretching out on the soft star-decorated coverlet, and turned to face Owlowicious who was sitting on his perch near her bed and regarding her with his huge eyes.
"Oh Owlowicious!" crooned Twilight. "That bath was sooo relaxing!" She stretched out on her side, drawing the calves of her hind legs taut, her robe slipping up to reveal more of her haunches and rump as she did so.
Owlowicious blinked.
Twilight smiled at the owl. He was a handsome bird, she'd decided – the bookishness of his huge eyes reminded her of the thick spectacles of her Telekinetic Studies teacher in Canterlot, and his gaze was always intelligent and piercing. He kept his feathers so pristine and orderly, preening them with a regular and exacting attentiveness to detail. Twilight thought that he gave off the aura of a naïve young monk, or a cloistered priest, so full of latent sensual energy but so totally ignorant of the ways of the outside world.
"Why… why are you looking at me like that, Owlowicious?" asked Twilight, blushing deeply under the bird's gaze. "Do you… do you see something you like?"
"Who?" asked Owlowicious.
Twilight laughed, and considered him through thick lashes that she fluttered coquettishly. "You, you gorgeous bird!" She teasingly reached down and pulled her robe down so that her well-rounded rump was no longer visible. "Well, we'll have to put a stop to that! I don't want to make you excited…"
"Who?" repeated Owlowicious.
Twilight pouted. "Oh Owlowicious! Why must you be so cold towards me?"
"Who?"
Twilight snorted in frustrated annoyance. She got up from the bed, her robe slipping open and then falling to the ground as she did so. She kicked it to one side and stood naked and unabashed before the bird.
Tears had started to well in the corner of her purple eyes. "Don't… don't you find me attractive?" she asked.
"Who?" hooted Owlowicious.
"Oh Owlowicious! I just can't stand it anymore!" Twilight reared up and wrapped her forelegs around the startled bird. "Kiss me! Take me! Make me yours!" she cried.
"Who?"
I looked down at the words scrawled on the writing pad in front of me with a mixture of relief and triumph. After a week of feverish writing Twi-light To-Who was almost finished and at last the story behind those long, steamy glances between Twilight and Owlowicious in Owl's Well that Ends Well would be told!
Well, OK – so maybe Twilowicious was a crack ship, but that had never stopped me before.
I looked out the window of the train at the green smear of the bushland on the outskirts of Sydney flying past. I lay back, turning up the volume on my iPod, and drifted away into that half-sleeping state that often slipped over me on the way home from work.
Tonight was the night that I'd finally try the ritual that Esther had revealed to me. In my bag I had the last of the ingredients – the streamers, the balloons and the crepe paper – and all I had to do was bake the cupcakes and then… well, who knew what would really happen. Would she appear? I sighed. Of course she wouldn't. And I was angry at myself for agreeing to go through with the whole ridiculous charade. I knew that Esther was manipulating me; it was just a game she was playing to remind me that she was the one in control. I sighed again – she was so beautiful that I would have done anything she told me, anyway.
A few hours later I was at home finishing typing up the story on my laptop, and I'd just downed the last of my second glass of mid-priced whiskey I'd bought as well. Might as well make a party of it! Twi-light To-Who was finally ready for uploading to DA and I decided that I deserved another drink. Oh Butterscotch Sundae, you perverted fanfic writer! Let's see what the internet thought of this one!
I'd come up with my pseudonym when the whole fanfiction thing had first taken hold of me. It had come to me in a flash, and it had seemed such an appropriate name for the sickeningly-sweet stories that I wanted to write that I kept it. My own name, Connie Hayden, seemed so bland in contrast. And who would be crazy enough to post the kind of stories I was writing under their real name? So Butterscotch took on a life of her own on the internet, and I'd started to like her a lot more than that schoolteacher Connie Hayden with her wavy brown hair, her pale skin which refused to tan (it would turn red in the harsh Aussie sun, then peel and revert to paleness once more) and her watery blue eyes. I much preferred being a colourful pony who wrote erotica instead. So I left the online existence of Connie Hayden trapped in a rapidly decaying Facebook while Butterscotch was free to gambol about the internet.
And I'd never been happier.
The only person who knew that Butterscotch and Connie were the same person was Esther. Well, at least that was what she'd told me her name was. I didn't find out her real name until much later.
About a month earlier I'd thrown all my usual paranoid online caution to the wind and decided that I needed at least one real-life person to talk pony with or else the internet and Butterscotch would both claim my soul forever. So when I'd started chatting with Esther (or PriestessofLuna1980 as I first knew her on the Pony IRC) and we'd discovered that we both lived in Sydney, I broke the one rule of meeting people from the internet: don't ever do it for any reason whatever. But something about PriestessofLuna1980's sardonic sense of humour and the way she punctuated everything she typed when chatting drew me to her. I didn't know what to expect of the real-life Esther, but I'd decided that the chances of her being an axe-wielding maniac were probably pretty small.
As it was, she turned out to be perfectly normal. Well… maybe that wasn't exactly true.
We'd agreed to meet at a café in the CBD: Gloria Jeans on Harbour Street. As soon as I walked in off the street a woman sitting at the table not far from the entrance stood up and came to meet me as if we'd met before. There was no way it could be Esther, since the description I'd given her could have fit dozens of women: around 5 foot 5, brown shoulder-length hair, blue eyes, glasses – I could have just as easily said "Look for the English Teacher." Esther herself had been similarly nonspecific, telling me that she had long black hair and green eyes, and the woman approaching me now definitely had those. But what she'd left out of her description was the fact that she was gorgeous.
I watched her as she approached with what must have been nervous astonishment, since she suddenly smiled reassuringly. I was still sure she'd mistaken me for someone else. But then I glanced quickly at the table she had got up from – and there was the pink cupcake that we'd agreed upon as our sign, sitting on a black plastic plate. It had to be her.
I'd been expecting a nerdy type like myself – I know it's unfair to stereotype people and I'm usually the last one to do it. But an interest in the ponies? The woman putting out her manicured hand to me seemed to be the type who'd be more interested in business deals or corporate takeovers. She looked so elegant in her black skirt suit that I suddenly thought about my own jeans and top and silently cursed myself for not trying harder.
"You must be Connie!" she said. He voice was surprisingly girlish, but there was a resonant depth to it just beneath the surface.
"Uh, yes," I replied. "You're... Esther?"
She inclined her head towards her table and that pink cupcake. I must have looked surprised, but she continued to smile and I suddenly noticed that I'd forgotten to take her hand. As I took hold of it, I noticed how thin her fingers were, and how cold to the touch they were, like a lot of tall women's are. But then I realised I'd been holding onto her hand for several heartbeats too long and I let go, and I was smiling in embarrassment as we went to the counter. I ordered the coffee I usually have at one of these false-coffee places, and that was a caramel macchiato with an extra shot of espresso – and then we sat down at her table and had our first real-life conversation.
I prayed I wasn't blushing – I felt like I'd been behaving like a total fool, but it was just that I'd had all my expectations turned 180 degrees. Being a school teacher, finding something to say was never usually a problem for me, but in front of this striking woman I found myself almost tongue-tied. But Esther was happy to talk, and soon I felt myself becoming comfortable in her company. Esther – well, she wasn't flirtatious per se, but she did have the disarming ability to make you feel like you were the centre of the universe, and I was therefore completely unsurprised to find that she worked in Martin Place as a human resource manager for a corporation that shall remain nameless. Well, actually, I was still surprised. I mean – she was down with the ponies?
"But how do you find the time?" I asked her, taking a sip of my coffee. It really was terrible coffee, but the sugar and caffeine were doing their job and smoothing over the mild muzzy hangover I was carrying.
Esther laughed. It was a cheerful and surprisingly uninhibited sound. "There's always time for ponies! Anyway, I have a lot of control over my working hours so it's not so difficult to organise. Besides, I need the ponies. If there's one thing that's so different from my work-a-day world, it's the ponies. There's not much friendship in the corporate world I navigate and… well, magic? Are meetings about made-up words like 'degreelessness' magic?"
"I guess not," I replied. Then my jaw dropped. "Wait – 'degreelessness'? Really?"
Esther laughed. "Yep. 'Degreelessness'. Give me 'friendship' any day of the week."
I sighed. "I know what you mean about the ponies keeping you sane. When I watch that show I get the feeling I'm a little kid again. I mean, what's not to like? Ponies! Rainbows! Unicorns! And the colours, Esther, the colours! I love their colours. They make me smile."
She sipped her coffee and nodded. "They are a colourful bunch, aren't they?"
"I guess it's that the ponies go a long way to making me a functional human being," I said finally. I just wished that I could be open about my love of the ponies rather than hiding it. I began to sigh, but then stopped myself. There's an old superstition that if you sigh your happiness will escape from you, so I swallowed instead.
"You shouldn't care what anyone thinks, Connie," Esther said suddenly.
I blinked. It was a mixture of surprise at her guessing what I was thinking and annoyance at the fact that she thought we'd become close enough already to say something like that. I was gripped with that defensive hostility I often have around people more attractive than myself. But when I looked at her green eyes they seemed perfectly earnest – and so my annoyance dissolved away immediately.
Esther seemed to realise that she'd been a bit forward and she smiled apologetically. "Here." She leaned down to her handbag and brought out a little box wrapped with a pink ribbon.
"A present?" I stuttered. "I… You… you really shouldn't have. I mean, I didn't get you…"
I must have looked a bit desperate because Esther laughed. "Oh Connie! Don't worry about that. You're so sensitive!" She pushed it across the table with the back of her hand. "It's just a little thing."
I calmed down enough to manage a thankful smile and picked up the box. It was sweet of her, I decided, and getting a present from someone as pretty as her made my heart flutter.
"Open it!" she said.
I did so. Inside the box, wrapped in layers of crepe paper was a little Pinkie Pie figure.
I looked at her and anticipating my question she straight away said "eBay of course."
"Of course," I cradled Pinkie in my hand and looked up at her, smiling. "I love her!"
Esther nodded, a soft smile playing across her face. "I knew you would."
And thus a real-life friendship blossomed out of our online one. It was good to have someone to talk pony with. I felt less like I was living a weird double life, split between Connie and Butterscotch, and more like the two were a complete person. Not a normal one, but at least a complete one.
It was two weeks later, part way through the Easter school holidays, when we at last had the chance to go out for more than coffee – so we went to a bar in the CBD called The Establishment, a bar on George Street popular with high-flying corporate types. It was the kind of place I detested, but Esther wouldn't take no for an answer.
"Do I need to get dressed up?" I'd asked.
"Oh don't worry about that," she'd said.
But I got dressed up anyway in my knee-high boots and long pleated skirt. I met her outside the bar after she got out of work and she looked me up and down appraisingly.
"You scrub up well, Connie," she told me. "Well – let's go inside."
I gaped at her. "Don't we need to line up?"
She shook her head. "Lines are for dweebs." And then, taking my hand, she lead me straight in through the front doors past the two huge Islanders that were the bar's security. They seemed to not even notice us.
I looked up at her, and she turned to smile at me.
"Do… do they know you?" I asked breathlessly.
She shook her head. "No. But they know they will one day."
The great glittering orbs of The Establishment's lights reflected their warm orange glow on the marbled surface of the outrageously long bar the place was famous for, and on the great sculpture of the unicorn's head made from blue glass at its far end.
Esther smiled at the look of happy surprise on my face, and she came close to my ear and said over the hubbub of people drinking and talking "I knew you'd like it."
Once we'd got our drinks Esther, holding my hand, pushed her way through the mob of merchant bankers and personal assistants until we reached one of the great cast-iron columns, behind which there was an empty place where it was quiet enough for us to talk – well, as long as our faces were so close together that we might as well be kissing.
Straight away Esther said "Hey! I finished The Party Hasn't Ended last night!"
I was surprised. "Wait – you actually read it?" Esther had admitted early on that she didn't really like fanfiction, although she had read a couple of my stories before we'd met – The Night Fluttershy Exploded was her favourite, but she'd refused to read The Party Hasn't Ended until I finished it. I thought she'd forgotten about it.
"It took me four hours all up," she said. "Oh hey! And I noticed Nightmare has green eyes!" She laughed, grabbing my arm and squeezing it hard.
I yelped in pain and struggled from her grasp. "Has anyone told you you've the grip of a wrestler?" I rubbed the offending area and then I smiled at her. "You noticed, huh? I thought of you when I needed a description for the villain."
"But…" she pouted. "I'm a villain to you, Connie? After all those vanilla lemon drops we shared?"
"I... I hope you weren't offended," I said, smiling shyly and looking down into the golden-brown swirls of my scotch. I usually drank it neat, but I put water and ice in it when I drink outside to make my rampant alcoholism less obvious. It was a complete contrast to Esther's ludicrous cocktail with its slice of dragon-fruit and its sugar swizzle-stick.
She shook her head. "I was delighted! You knew I would be."
I looked up at her.
"That's why you did it, right?" she added.
I nodded, making the ice in my glass clink. "Am... am I really that transparent?"
Esther chuckled. "To me you are. But then I've seen inside your heart."
My heart skipped a beat at this, so I took a long drink. My heart? Then I realised she was just quoting Party back at me.
Finally, feeling the silence between was becoming uncomfortable, I said "So apart from Nightmare how did you like the story?"
"It needed more lesbian sex," Esther replied with a totally straight face.
I laughed. "I know, right? I'm thinking of writing some cloppier stuff but I don't whether people will want to read it."
"Of course they will," she told me. "I don't know why people have a problem with cloppy stories. I mean, how do they think ponies reproduce? Mirrors?"
"Only the lesbian ponies," I replied, and then I groaned. "Oh, don't give me any ideas! Did I tell you I went back through my stories to count all the references to mirrors in them?"
"Mhhmm hmm? How many were there?"
"A lot," I said, taking another drink.
Esther looked at me with a satirical smile. "You do realise that whenever we pass a mirror you look into it, right?"
I blinked. "I do?"
"Mmh hmm. It's a classic symptom of a narcissistic personality disorder."
"That sounds about right," I chuckled. "But actually, I think it's more to do with being afraid I don't exist."
"But you do exist, Connie," said Esther. "Trust me on this one," She lifted her drink up before her face and said "Cheers!" But as I moved to clink my own against it, she pulled her glass away before I could and winked at me as she brought it to her lips.
"Too slow, Butterscotch Sundae! Much. Too. Slow."
It was that moment I realised I'd fallen in love with her.
**************************************************
Many more drinks later.....
"I don't feel so good," I said. Esther was holding me up and pushing her way back through the crowd to the exit.
"You, my dear, have had too much to drink!" she said in a maternal tone of voice.
I nodded. "I usually drink too much. I like it too much. But I drink too much..."
Esther had met me drink for drink but she was nowhere near as drunk as I was, which I put down to the fact that she'd only been drinking girly drinks all night.
She guided me out of the bar, across the footpath which was full of people in suits milling around smoking, and held me steady while she hailed a taxi.
"Where are we going?" I asked. "Another bar?"
"I'm going to take you to my place," she replied.
"WHAT?!" I laughed – far too loud. People nearby turned to look at me, but that didn't make me lower my voice. "Are you going to ravish me or something?!"
"Connie! Shhh!" Esther tried to quieten me down, but she was laughing as she did so.
Time at this point was splintering for me, and the next thing I was aware of was Esther helping me out of the taxi as she handed over some cash to the driver. Then she was helping me through the foyer of a glitzy inner-city apartment block – it was all burnished metal and glass which sparkled with the yellow and red wil o' wisps of the traffic passing by outside, and I felt like stellar space was flowing past us both.
Suddenly my vision was broken by the concierge addressing Esther from behind his massive desk. "Good evening Miss. Is your friend ok?"
Esther waved a hand at him. "Just poisoned by The Establishment's watered-down whiskey," she explained.
I had decided, in the friendly manner of all drunks, to turn and assure the concierge I was OK as well, but the sudden movement made me nauseous so I gave up and let Esther guide me into the elevator. She took a key-card out of her handbag and placed it near a scanner which beeped happily.
As the lift started humming I said to her "You live here? You must be LOADED!"
Esther shrugged. "I do OK," And then a secret smile flashed on her lips. "It cost me my soul, though."
The elevator continued to hum for what seemed like forever. "What floor are you on?" I asked, unable to work out which numbers were being lit up.
"Wait and see," replied Esther simply.
The movement of the elevator, though silky smooth, was making me feel nauseous, and I suddenly doubled over in pain – but Esther straight away placed her hand against my forehead. It felt so smooth and cooling, just as if it were a slab of marble I was resting against, that the nausea immediately passed.
"Oh, that feels great," I murmured, closing my eyes in pleasure.
"Good girl," she replied, stroking my forehead. And then at last the elevator stopped and the doors opened.
Esther drew me out of the elevator into her apartment. It was obviously the penthouse, for the first thing that struck me were the huge windows on the far side. They were great black panes of glass that glittered with the reflections of the city lights of Sydney that extending out beyond them to a hidden horizon – a fairy forest of red, yellow and green stars hanging out in space. My mouth slipped open in amazement, but then Esther switched on the lights and the fairy world vanished in an instant, to be replaced by the minimally furnished living space of a luxury apartment. There was a low coffee table in the centre made from a single frivolous castling of glass, and beside it a white modular leather sofa that could easily have seated a dozen people, while in the far corner where the two massive panes of glass window met was a... a baby grand piano?
"You have a piano?!" I cried. "I didn't know you played!" I skipped across the carpeted floor and sat down.
Esther watched me indulgently as she placed her handbag on the coffee table. "I don't," she explained. "It came with the apartment."
"I haven't played in years," I laughed, knocking out a discordant version of chopsticks – or as much as I could remember which was a couple of bars. Then Esther was behind me. She drew her arms around my shoulders, her hands slipping onto mine and taking them off the keys. "No, wait!" I protested. "I'm starting to remember it!"
"Come and sit down," she said, taking me by the hand to the couch. There was something in her green eyes that told me not to argue. I sat there and looked over the apartment while she brought me some cold water.
"How many bedrooms do you have?" I asked her as she moved about the kitchen.
She returned and sitting down beside me handed me a frosty glass. "Four or five I think."
I took the glass and drank, and at that moment it was the most delicious thing I had ever tasted. "And you're all alone here?" I asked, putting the half-empty glass on the table.
"Not right now," she replied. She turned to me and her green eyes seemed suddenly especially icy. If I hadn't been drunk, I probably would never have been brave enough to do it, but as it was I leaned forward and kissed her on the lips. They were surprisingly cold, even to lips which had just touched ice water, but Esther kissed back with heat, and as she did so her hands slipped onto mine.
It was only a short kiss, but I was breathless at the end of it.
"I've been waiting a long time for you to do that," said Esther simply. And then she smiled. "For someone who writes the kind of stories you do, you're actually pretty prudish."
"I... I guess I'm just a Rose Papillion at heart," I said, dropping my gaze.
Esther nodded. "It's always the quiet ones," she agreed as she leaned over and took off my glasses. "Let's do it properly this time."
I woke up in a strange bed, and the first thing I noticed was that I didn't have a hangover. Wait – hadn't I been drinking last night? And then everything that had happened the night before came flooding back. Often this was an unpleasant and remorseful sensation, but what I was remembering this morning made me grin like a moron. I turned over – but Esther wasn't there and I sighed in disappointment.
Sitting up, I looked around the room, seeing furniture I didn't recognise – an antique mirrored wardrobe, a dressing table, the four-poster bed we had been sleeping in – and then I found what I was looking for: a clock on the wall.
It read 9.42 am.
Sudden panic gripped me. I was late for work and my school was more than an hour across the city! But then the panic subsided when I remembered that I was on holiday.
I got out of bed but, realising I was in my underwear, I wrapped the quilt around me and went looking for my clothes. I found them folded up neatly on the couch – Esther must have done it since my usual style of putting away my clothes was tossing them over the closest thing to hand. And it was then that I noticed there was a note sitting on the coffee table.
Dear Connie, Called away to work! You looked so happy asleep that I didn't have the heart to wake you. There's breakfast in the fridge for you. I'll be back around lunch – if you're not doing anything, let's spend the rest of the day together. <3 Esther
...spend the rest of the day together? I squealed and would have jumped in the air if the quilt wrapped around me hadn't tangled my legs together. So it wasn't just a one-off thing.
I had a girlfriend!
I ate breakfast which turned out to be a tub of low-fat yoghurt that made me more hungry, and then I sat on the couch and tried to work out how to get the home theatre working. The remote was a featureless black rectangle without any buttons, but as soon as I touched it the LCD came to life. I pressed the biggest and reddest of the icons, and almost fell off the couch when a screen slid down from above – but then was completely unable to get anything else to work and gave up. After that I pined after my laptop, wishing I could at least check my email. And finally I stared out of the huge windows at the city. There was a great river of traffic flowing from the left and curving down to the green canopy of Hyde Park that could only be William Street, and I decided I must be somewhere in Kings Cross.
All the while I was trying to put off having a shower as long as possible – Esther's scent lingered on my body and I wanted to enjoy it for as long as possible before washing it off. So I decided to give up on everything else and went back to the bedroom and lay back on the bed. I ran my naked arms and legs all over the turbulent sheets – her smell was still strong and I sighed and lay there with it surrounding me. Esther hadn't been gentle, but I'd loved every moment of it, and my ravished body still tingled and throbbed with the memory of her touch. I felt my nipples, which were puffed and chapped, and then I gingerly felt at the sore patch on my inner thigh where Esther must have bitten me. It felt like she'd broken the skin, so I went and looked at it in the mirror set in the front of the wardrobe.
As I stood there, turning back and forth to get a clear view, I suddenly gasped. I'd thought it was a bite mark – but it was huge! I couldn't for the life of me remember how it had happened, but I decided that since it wasn't anywhere visible and it would fade soon enough I wouldn't worry about it – and part of me looked forward to seeing it in the mirror again later and being reminded of what had happened last night.
Esther returned sooner than I expected – I heard the elevator from the shower I'd finally forced myself to take. I heard the doors of the elevator open as I was in the middle of enjoying the high-pressure of the water soothing my tired body and I was struck with a sudden impulse to get out of the shower straight away and see her, but I decided to finish my shower and make triply sure that my body had no smell of sweat left about it. Once I was finished I poked my head out of the bathroom, about to shout out for a towel – I'd foolishly stepped into the shower without first finding out where she kept them – but Esther was already there outside the bathroom door, a towel of Egyptian cotton hanging on her arm. She was dressed in her usual black skirt suit and I gasped when I was suddenly reminded of how beautiful she was.
I took the towel she offered – it was so large that it was more a bath sheet, actually. I smiled my thanks and wrapped my pink and steaming body with it.
Esther arched an eyebrow at me. "Such a crime to cover you up," she said.
I laughed. "Stop teasing me!" Then I added "You... you don't think I have a huge butt?"
She rolled her green eyes and sucked her teeth. "You're worse than Pinkie Pie," she said in unpretending annoyance.
"Hey," I lifted the towel to show her the mark on my inner thigh. "Look at what you did to me."
"Oh that?" She blinked. "Sorry – I guess I got carried away." Then she turned and looked out across the city. "Go get dressed and we can get out of here."
"Where are we going?" I asked, picking my clothes off the couch.
Esther's eyes flashed and a little half-smile appeared on her lipsticked lips. "♪ It's a secret! ♫"
*************************************
A quick taxi ride to Haymarket later the "secret" turned out to be yum cha at Marigold Restaurant. As I helped myself to another chicken's foot with my chopsticks, I took a little sip of tea to wash away the fat. It was the only way to eat Chinese food.
"How can you eat that stuff?" asked Esther, crinkling her nose.
"I don't know – I just love them," I replied. Truth was, I adored sucking the delicious marinated skin from the tiny little bones, and I was about to tell her that, but I felt it would be wrong to gross her out. She was a vegetarian, but I couldn't hold it against her.
And it was then, as I was lifting a steamed prawn dumpling to my mouth, that Esther asked me the question.
"Say, Connie – if you were given a chance to go to Equestria, would you take it?"
I stopped, my mouth half-open, then put the dumpling back in my bowl and nodded enthusiastically. "Of course! Who wouldn't?" I replied. "I mean, you've seen Escape from Midnight Castle right?"
"The one with the Rainbow of Darkness?"
I nodded. "I mean, didn't you always wonder as a little girl what you'd have done if you'd been in Megan's place and Firefly had landed in your backyard?"
She raised her eyebrows. "I can't really say whether..."
"Well, I've always thought that I wouldn't hesitate and just go with her – I mean, my childhood wasn't unhappy at all, just boring. I'd have loved to have a pony, and a Pegasus that could talk? C'mon! It's a no-brainer."
Esther's face was inscrutable. "I don't know – I think you might get bored of Equestria pretty soon. Don't you think that with everything kept in perfect order by Celestia..."
"Another thousand years!" I said, raising my cup in a toast.
There was a sudden flash in Esther's eyes. Had... had I gone too far in my geekiness? Was this too public a place? Was I overstepping some unspoken line? It was hard to tell exactly what emotion it was. But as quickly as it appeared it was gone, and she was smiling again.
"Oh, your little drinking game! Of course." She took a sip from her own cup.
"But you'd get to play with the ponies!" I said, finally getting to put the prawn dumpling in my mouth and chewing it. "Wouldn't that be awesome?"
This time Esther laughed out loud. "How did I know that that was what you'd immediately think of?"
I looked at her in mock-hurt. "I mean going on adventures and stuff with them. Well, maybe I'd like to cuddle them," I could feel my face loosening into a dopy expression. "They look like they'd feel all squishy and huggable, like giant marshmallows."
"Cuddling? Sure you did," Esther smiled. "I'm not judging you. I'm sure that would be one of the perks." Then she suddenly moved forward and slid her hands onto mine. "Are you really so sick of human girls? Hands are so much more versatile than hooves..." She lifted her hands from mine and fluttered her fingers at me and wiggled her thumbs. "Don't you think these things are incredible?"
I laughed. "Why all these questions? Is this about that poll on Equestria Daily the other week?"
"What? Oh no," she replied. "Just curious. So if I offered to show you a way to get to Equestria, you'd say yes, right?" Her face was alight in eagerness.
"Yes? Obviously!" I squealed. "Tell me where to sign!"
"Wait a second," said Esther. "What if you had to do something in return?"
"Something in return? Like something... sexual?"
"Oh shut up," she replied. "No – I mean like a favour."
"A favour? I mean, what kind of favour?"
"Something which wouldn't be beyond your abilities," she said. "Just a promise of some help in the future," She turned the spinach dumpling in her bowl over and over. "So... do we have a deal?"
I shrugged. "Sure, as long as I don't have to kill anyone."
I was carried away now by the sheer ridiculousness of the conversation. "Sister, you've got yourself a deal!" And I offered her my hand – but she didn't take it.
"All I needed was your oath," said Esther. And then, after popping the spinach dumpling she'd been playing with in her mouth and chewing it enthusiastically, she began to explain that there were two ways to travel between this world and Equestria...
******************************
After that we spent the remainder of the Easter holidays together, meeting whenever she could get herself out of work. But every time we met up she'd look at me strangely and say "You haven't tried it out yet?"
I had a number of different excuses, but the final time I tried to weasel out of going through it I told her: "I'm still too burnt out after finishing Party to do much of anything..."
Esther snorted. "You've been working on that Twilight-Owlowicious story, haven't you?"
I tried to change the subject. "Oh, that reminds me! I forgot to tell you – I've got a great idea for a story where Trixie gives Twilight a..."
"Oh, stop stalling Connie!" Esther seemed genuinely upset. "I told you because I thought you'd be brave enough to actually try it."
"OK, OK!" I said. "Calm down!" Esther could be a little intense at times, but it wasn't unexpected in a high flier like she was. "I promise I'll give it a shot after work tomorrow."
"That's my girl!" Esther was suddenly putting her arm in mine, a huge smile on her face. "But don't forget the pink sprinkles. Everything has to be just right!"
"So if I do this you'll stop pestering me?" I said, feeling her skin against my own. Her touch had this strange power over me, making me melt inside despite the coolness of her skin, and it was doing that right now.
"I can do better than that," she said, drawing close up behind me and grabbing my ear in her mouth.
Giggling, I batted her away. "So should I... do you want me to take a photo or something?"
Esther burst out laughing. "Oh, I'll know if you did it or not, Connie! You're a terrible liar. Besides, didn't I tell you the night we got together that I can see inside your heart?"
And so tonight was the night. I had no more excuses. After uploading Twi-light To-who to DA I replied to some comments and then browsed /co/ for a little while. When I looked at the clock on my microwave it was already 9 pm.
Well, time to get this over and done with, I decided. I was sure that if I didn't do it tonight Esther would probably fly in through the window, bite me somewhere soft and drain away my life-blood, finishing the job she'd started with my inner thigh all those weeks ago. So I poured myself some more whiskey and sipped it like I usually do when cooking. After I spilled the flour and caster sugar a couple of times each, turning my kitchen bench into a snowscape in the process, I finally got some of it in a bowl and after adding an egg and some milk I started to mix up the cupcake batter.
Not long afterwards my little house was full of the smell of cupcakes baking. Now, I'm by no means a great cook, especially when drunk, but it's terribly difficult to ruin a cupcake and as I took the steaming tray out of the oven I decided they actually looked pretty delicious. The ritual only required one, but well – if you're going to make cupcakes you might as well make a whole batch!
I tried one. It was pretty good. Not a baked bad by any stretch of the imagination! I tried another after I'd put the frosting and sprinkles on– and it tasted even better. It was definitely a delicious recipe, but I didn't believe for a minute that it was a Pinkie Pie original, as Esther had told me it was.
I looked at the bottle of whiskey on the bench, covered in flour-snow. I'd almost finished it. Well, I might as well have the last little bit at the bottom, I decided, so I poured the last few drops out into my glass and drained it. And then, as I began to find it difficult to walk straight, I started to blow up the pink balloons, which turned into a total comedy of errors. I was pretty bad at tying up balloons at the best of times, but while drunk it was nearly impossible – but finally it was finished. Now all I needed was a mirror and everything would be set for the ritual.
I'd done a quick calculation and decided that my dressing table mirror would probably be big enough for you-know-who to fit through, so I took everything into my bedroom and did as Esther had told me. I set up the crepe-paper streamers and balloons all around the room and scattered the pink confetti everywhere until it looked like a party was in progress. I put my iPod in its dock and put on some music, and last of all I took the fresh cupcake that I'd just frosted and decorated with sprinkles and place it on a plate in front of the mirror.
I knew I was forgetting something, but what? Oh, of course! The hot-sauce!
Now, in Australia just about the only brand of hot-sauce available is Tabasco sauce, so that was what I used. I took the little bottle and dashed a tiny bit on the top of the cupcake. It didn't seem nearly enough, so I added a little more. Finally, I decided to just pop the little plastic stopper out and pour the rest of the bottle onto the cupcake – well, it seemed the right thing to do. The cupcake was intended for you -know-who, after all.
Finally, I stood back, looked at my handiwork and shook my head. Even though I was drunk, the realisation of what I'd done hit me like a slap in the face.
"Nice one, Esther," I whispered, my heart sinking away. "You made me make a complete fool out of myself." I slumped into the chair in front of the dresser and looked at myself in the mirror. My hair was tousled, there was flour all over my face and down my top, and everything smelled of hot-sauce. It would take ages to clean up everything.
I lay my face down and choked back a sob. How could I have been so gullible! Oh Connie, you should know better than to let people make fun of you... hadn't you learned that yet?
But then I lifted my head up and looked into the mirror again. Oh, how I wished that it was true. How I wished that you-know-who would come through that mirror to take me away to Equestria, away from this place full of people who just wanted to make me a laughing stock.
And before I knew what I was saying, her name passed my lips. And I said it not once, not twice, but three times.
"Pinkamena, Pinkamena, Pinkamena."
Butterscotch's Adventures in Equestria
Nothing happened.
"Pinkamina, Pinkamina, Pinkamina." I said it a second time…
… but still nothing happened.
I don't remember how long I lay there, slumped in the chair, face down, tears dripping onto the wooden top of the dresser. I think I must have cried myself asleep for the next thing I knew I could hear a most peculiar noise.
It sounded like someone eating quickly and messily.
"Om nom nom nom nom nom!"
Wait – I was dreaming, right? I still had my eyes closed, so it could be a dream – one of those drunk, overheated, feverish dreams I often had after a few too many drinks. But then I felt something nuzzling the side of my face – something soft and furry, with warm, moist breath that smelled of vanilla and... hot-sauce?
I opened my right eye a crack – and I couldn't see anything but a great patch of colour and I suddenly panicked, thinking I must have had a stroke.
Good work, Connie! You've finally drunk enough to give yourself brain damage. And now you'll never be able to see anything else but a big patch of pink fur...
Wait...
...fur?
Wait...
...PINK fur?
PINK FUR???!!! I jerked my head off the dressing table and fell backwards, my chair tilting against my bed, and as I scrambled backwards across the quilt my eyes remained glued to the little pink pony who was half poking out of the mirror, her crazy shock of a cotton-candy mane bobbing up and down as she hoovered up the final few crumbs of the muffin with a long, pink tongue.
I sat there on the bed, watching with bugged-out eyes as Pinkie Pie – Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh! Pinkie Pie herself! – swallowed the last fragment of muffin and sniffed about, obviously looking for more. And when she couldn't find any she tried to get off the dressing table, but as she climbed out of the mirror she only got halfway, her wide hips getting jammed at both sides. She started to make the most adorable frustrated sounds as she jerked her head back and forth, trying to see what the problem was.
I swallowed. This was the moment of truth. Part of me knew that with my luck I was going to wake up from this delicious dream just at the point of saying hello, but nevertheless I scooshed off the bed and gingerly approached her as she continued to struggle to extricate herself. I could feel the muscles at each side of my mouth aching as I smiled huger than I'd smiled for a very long time. I don't know whether it was sudden belief, stubborn disbelief, shock, happiness, fear, confusion – it might have been any or all of those emotions mixed up with a nice, sloshy slice of drunkenness – but although I desperately tried to say something, my mouth only flapped open and shut like I was a koi-carp, my vocal chords refusing to make any sound except for a frenzied squeaking.
Uh – now how exactly are you supposed to greet a little pony? First of all I put out my hand as if to shake her hoof, but suddenly felt like an idiot. Then I raised it in an open-palmed salute – but that seemed weird too. I mean, she wasn't an alien after all… an interdimensional being, maybe – well, an interdimensional pony, anyway. Either that or a figment of my drunken imagination! So I finally decided on just waving at her.
"Hi!" I said.
"Oooh hello!" said the little pink pony, finally noticing I was there and turning her head to look at me. But then it was her turn to be shocked. Her huge blue eyes bugged out preposterously and her hair exploding into a curly pink afro as if someone had suddenly inflated it with air! "A... a... SPACEPONY!!!!????" she gasped.
"Space ... pony?" I repeated.
But just as quickly as she'd been transfigured by her surprise, it returned to normal: her eyes went back into her head and her hair settled back into its normal curly zaniness as Pinkie's face burst into a wide grin. "Oh, I just knew you were real!!!" she cried, clopping her forehooves together. "The girls never, ever believed me when I told them that there were Space Ponies watching us! They were always like 'Oh Pinkie Pie, you're so random!' But Iwasright, Iwasright, Iwasright! You do exist!"
And then she tried to leap forward off the dressing table to get a closer look at me, forgetting that she was still stuck only halfway out of the mirror, and the dressing table started to hobble back and forth while her little forelegs pumped up and down in the air desperately.
At the ludicrous and adorable sight of the frustrated little pony trying to get herself out of the mirror I was gripped by a sudden desire to laugh. But that was no way to start things off on the right hoof!
"Here, Pinkie, I'll help you," I said, taking hold of her forelegs with an apologetic smile. I must admit that I almost squealed when I touched her. Her coat was velvet soft, warm and real under my touch. The sensation was like running your skin against faux fur, quite unlike the rough coat of a real pony. I could have stood there and (rather creepily) stroked her fur forever, but I had a job to do!
"Sorry, Pinkie – I'm going to have to pull you out!" I knew I should have used a bigger mirror! The poor pony's wide hips and ample rump were now quite stuck, but with a lot of pushing and pulling, with Pinkie squeezing herself left and right just as if you were trying to pull a couch through a door on moving day, we finally seemed to be making some progress.
And then suddenly there was a loud Pop! And Pinkie flew straight out of the mirror and ended up on top of me on the floor.
I looked up at her, speechless – that marshmallow warmth was right on top of me, and as her mane draped about me, that crazy, curly, springy, bubble-gum mane, I could smell her sweet scent – it was like burnt sugar, the smell of cotton-candy.
"Oooh, sorry Miss Spacepony!" said Pinkie, getting off me and helping me up. But as soon as I was on my feet again, she started sniffing and nuzzling me all over. On all fours her head came up to my ribs and as she nudged them with her muzzle, I started to laugh.
"No, wait, Pinkie! You're…you're tickling me!" I giggled, skipping away.
"Ooopsy whoopsy!" said Pinkie, putting a forehoof to her mouth. "Where are my manners?" She stepped back and looked me all over, a bright, sparkling smile lighting her face and the entire room as well. For some reason everything seemed to have taken on deeper, richer colours as soon as she'd arrived. The usually bright electric light in the room had become warm and yellow like butter, and the colour of my furniture had changed as well: all the wood in the room, like the wardrobe and the dresser, had turned the rich brown of melted chocolate, while my daggy old blue and white bedspread was brighter than it had been even when I'd just bought it, and was now the same colour as blueberries and cream.
As I stood there, looking at everything in amazement, Pinkie started up again: "Oh, I told the girls that I wasn't imagining things! Did you know that Twilight said that I was having hallucinations from overdosing on confectioner's sugar? That girl can be such a disbelieving disbelieverson sometimes!"
"Wait Pinkie," I said, finally understanding what she was talking about. "You've seen humans before?"
"'Who-mans'? Oh wait, that must be the space-pony word for 'space-pony'! What a super-funny name! It's so totally adorable! Oh, I love it! A real life who-man!" Pinkie reared up on her hind legs and clopped her hooves together, and as she did I noticed that on two legs she was around the same height as me– well, actually, she was maybe a couple of inches taller. I'm a little on the short side for an average 'who-man'.
"Wait, Pinkie!" I said. "Where have you seen who-mans-" I shook my head – her insanity, just like her bright colours, seemed highly contagious. "-humans before? Wait. Wait, you don't know Esther do you?"
Pinkie blinked at me quizzically. "Esther? Is she a 'space pony' too?"
"Yes, she is... no wait. Wait..." I was still very drunk, but even if I'd been sober I don't think it would have done me any good. Having a conversation with Pinkie was like being stuck in a vaudeville stand-up routine. "No, she's a human like me."
"Oh! A hu-man!" Pinkie shook her head. "Oh no. I've never met a human before – oh, well until now, I mean. You're the first real-life human I've ever met, Miss..." She cocked her head, and I realised I hadn't told her my name yet.
"My name's… Connie," I said, holding out my hand. It seemed the natural thing to do now that we were on a first name basis.
"Ooooh! Space pon... I mean, humans shake hoofsies too!" Pinkie grabbed hold of my hand with a forehoof and brought it up to her face for a closer look. "But wait – that's not a hoofsie. It's a little claw, just like Spikey has! Oh how wonderful!" Pinkie pumped it rapidly up and down. "Oh, I'm so pleased to meet you Connie! My name's Pinkamina Diane Pie – but my friends call me Pinkie Pie!" Suddenly she dropped my hand, a quizzical look on her face. "But wait – you already called me Pinkie, didn't you?"
My hand was still jogging up and down, but I managed to reply. "Uh, yes!" Now how the hell was I going to explain everything?
But I needn't have worried, for Pinkie was already talking a million miles an hour and working things out for herself. "If you know my name's Pinkie Pie, but you've never been to Equestria before – wait, you've never, ever been to Equestria before, right Connie? Oh, okie dokie! So I guess you must be able to see into Equestria somehow. Maybe you can peep into Equestria just like I can peep into your world!" Her brow furrowed in thought. "But how is that possible?"
"Well, if I was in the US I guess I'd be watching you guys on the TV…" Being drunk made the whole explanation thing an even more gruelling ordeal, and if my head hadn't already been aching it definitely would be now! "Uh – a TV's a machine kinda like… well, a mirror, I guess, that you watch things on. But since I'm in Australia I have to use my computer instead and watch you on Youtube and..." I looked at Pinkie's steadily increasing confusion, and I shook my head. "But why am I even telling you all this? You don't have TVs in Equestria, do you Pinkie? Or computers."
"Oh, so you have a magic teevee mirror?" said Pinkie, making a valiant attempt at interpreting my drunken gibberish. "And what was that other thingie – a contuba?" Pinkie began to hop around my bed, bouncing in the air just like her little hooves were on springs as she giggled. "Oh, you humans have such cute and funny names for everything!"
"It's a comPUT er," I said. "Not a tuba... It's a machine that-" and then with a sigh I gave up. My head was thumping and I somehow felt that trying to explain the whole mechanics of computers and TVs was a depressingly mundane way to be spending my time with Pinkie Pie. "Magic," I said at last, sitting back on the edge of the bed. "Just magic."
"Oh, maaaaaagic!" said Pinkie Pie, understanding at last. "That's just like how I can see into your world sometimes!"
"What, really?" I replied, wondering just how that could be possible. Somehow I could readily believe that Equestria and magic ponies existed, but not that they could see into our world.
"Of course!" replied the little pink pony. "Sometimes I get this spoooooooky feeling that somepony is watching me, and then I get a quick flash from the corner of my eye!" She jerked her head around as if she'd been startled and bugged out her eyes in demonstration. "It's super strange!"
"Wait! Can anyone else in Equestria see into our world?" I asked. I had no idea that our two worlds were so seemingly close together.
"Any… wun?" repeated Pinkie, those furrows on her forehead reappearing.
"Sorry – I mean anypony …" I stifled a giggle. I'd just said anypony without the slightest trace of irony!
Pinkie shook her head. "Nope! Only Pinkie can - I guess it's just another peculiarly Pinkie Pie power! But I can't see really clearly – just out of the corner of my Pinkie Pie eyes!" She blinked her big blue eyes at this point. "And then only in shiny things like windows or muffin trays or swimming pools – but mostly I see things in mirrors!"
"Mirrors?" I said. "Why do you think that is?"
"Well, I guess mirrors are just kinda in-betweeny, and not only the magic ones either!" explained Pinkie with a shrug.
"In-betweeny?" I said. Was that even a word? Actually, I think I'd counted at least a dozen words that Pinkie had just added to the English language in the past five minutes.
She sat back on the bed next to me, and the mattress suddenly sunk with the weight of her round little body. "I guess Twilight would be able to explain things a whole lot better. She's the one with a head full of ideas and facts and numbers and explanations after all!" My head is just full of crazy stuff like oatmeal and recipes for quintuple choc-chip muffins and questions like 'How many Griffons does it take to change a light bulb?' But Grannie Pie always said that a demonstration is just like an explanation, only without all those super long and difficult words to trip over, so I guess I'll just show you!"
Pinkie suddenly jumped up off the bed, hopped over to the dresser and put a forehoof against the surface of the mirror– and it went straight in as if it was made of liquid silver. As she took it back out, she said "I don't think anypony else can do it, except for Princess Celestia... oh, and probably Princess Luna too!" She put her forehoof to her chin and looked suddenly thoughtful. "I mean, Princess Luna can probably do everything that Princess Celestia can, right?"
I shrugged. "I guess so. But I've seen you go into mirrors before, Pinkie. I mean, that epis... that time when Fluttershy became a model for Photo Finish and you were stalking Twi everywhere and-"
"Waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait!!!" Pinkie looked even more shocked than the first time she'd seen me. "You know Twilight and Fluttershy, too? Oh, your magic teevee mirror sounds amazing!" She giggled. "And it has a funny name. Teevy teevy teevy!"
I grinned from ear to ear. This was the best drunken freak-out I'd ever had. Or was it a particularly intense lucid dream? A total emotional breakdown? Had I finally drunk myself to death, and this was the afterlife, made in a pony-fanatic's own image of heaven? Well, whatever it was, I never wanted it to end. And I wanted to know how far I could actually take things.
Pinkie had started hopping again, bouncing around the room, and her eyes went wide as she at last noticed the decorations – the confetti on the floor, the balloons floating about here and there, the pink streamers everywhere. She stuck her muzzle everywhere it could conceivably go – under my bed, which dislodged a whole pile of dust and made her sneeze, along the shelving where I keep my stuffed toys and other brick-a-brack, and then she started nosing through all my make-up that I'd piled on the bedside table to clear the dresser for the ritual. And finally she went looking behind the curtains, and as she did she got all tangled up in the chains of pink crepe-paper that I'd draped over them, and I had to get up, laughing, and tear them off her.
"Oh, you're having a party?" she asked cheerfully as I scrumpled up the last piece of crepe paper and tossed it behind the bed.
"Uh no," I replied, suddenly embarrassed. I realised that this totally looked like a creepy Party of One-type situation. "Oh wait, yes. Yes I was."
"Where are the guests? Are there more space ponies here?" Pinkie asked as she pushed my wardrobe open with her snout and started flicking through all of my clothes.
"Nope, just me," I said, stifling a giggle at the round pink butt that was swaying back and forth as she rifled through my stuff. "And I guess the party guest is you , Pinkie Pie!"
She pulled her head out of my work skirts and said "Me?" in surprise.
"Well, yes!" I said, suddenly feeling bashful. It did seem a little strange now I thought about it. "I guess all this is for you, Pinkie! A little party to welcome you to the human world!"
"Oh!" Her mouth opened up in surprise. "So that's why everything's my favourite colour – pink!" But then her face suddenly fell. "You went to so much trouble, Connie – but I'm so totally sorry that I can't stay for very long. I've got another party that I have to…"
"Oh, can't you stay for just a little while longer?" I interrupted, suddenly desperate. I'd decided that even if this was an acid flashback, or someone had slipped DMT into the cupcake batter or I was having some lurid fantasy brought on from alcohol poisoning as I lay on the floor dying – whatever it was, I didn't want it to end so soon! "I made more cupcakes! And I've got a couple of bottles of hot-sauce for them as well!"
"Oooooh!" The little pink pony squealed, clopping her forehooves together. "Hot-sauce? Wherewherewhere?!"
Just as planned , I thought gleefully as I rubbed my hands and smiled a secret smile.
With a real life little pony in my house, I was suddenly aware how small the place really was. She barely fit in the corridor, and for a second I thought we'd have a repeat of the Pooh-Bear situation I'd had to deal with earlier. And when we got to the living room, Pinkie was soon knocking over chairs, dislodged paintings and with an accidental swish of her big puffy tail she sent my favourite vase (the one that has a sulphur-crested cockatoo painted on it) plummeting towards the ground as I gulped in horror, only to breathe a sudden sigh of relief as she caught it on the tip of her snout at the last possible second and – amazingly! – balance it there as she reared up and tottered about on her hind legs to get high enough to replace it on the top of my bookshelf.
The fact that her cartoony powers extended even into our world made me overjoyed. And I'd continued to notice, as I had earlier, that with her around, all the colours in the room were growing deeper and brighter, just as if Pinkie had brought a little part of multi-coloured Equestria with her.
Once she was happy that the vase was no longer in danger of falling off, she bounced over to where my 37 inch Panasonic flatscreen sat on the black dresser I used in lieu of a TV stand. "So is this your magic teevy?" she asked, poking at it gingerly with her forehooves.
"Yup – that's my magic... I mean, my teevy... I mean, my TV !" I replied. "But it's my computer that I use to watch you guys!" I pointed at the laptop sitting on my kitchen table –a sleek little Toshiba Dynabook I'd bought while I was working in Japan. I pulled out a chair for her, but when I looked at Pinkie's big rump I knew that there was no way that a chair was going to be comfortable for her, so I pulled the couch over and indicated that she should hop up on it, which she did.
"Comfy?" I asked, sliding the laptop between us so she'd be able to look at the screen as well.
"Comferific!" said Pinkie. With her little hoofsies curled up underneath her pink marshmallow body, I was suddenly reminded of what an adorable little creature she really was and my heart started to beat faster in my chest.
Oh come on, Connie! You pervert! I shook my head. First you bring an Equestrian pony to our world, and now you're thinking of... I don't know what I was thinking of, exactly. Throwing my arms around her and hugging her like a gigantic stuffed toy and squealing? Climbing onto her back in the hope of getting a pony ride? Just sit there and stroke her mane for a few hours until my hands smelled like cotton-candy? That... that was it, wasn't it?
But while I struggled with my equiphilia, Pinkie was already messing around with my laptop and she'd already worked out how to open the case.
"Oooh! So it is a magic mirror! A little eeny teeny weeny one!" She made faces at her reflection in the darkened screen, going "Woooo! Wooo! Wooo!", and when she got bored of that she started tapping the keyboard with her hooves. "But how does this contuba thingie work exactly?"
I was gripped by a sudden panic. I'd forgotten how handy Pinkie was with gadgets, and I realised that if I let her on the computer she'd probably be able to work things out in a moment and then she'd be looking through all my pony folders. What if she were to open the one with all the railgunner pictures or, even worse, the folder where I kept all my (gulp! ) stories! But even worser still, what if she worked out how to use the internet and got on to DA?
"Connie, why are Dashie and me kissing? And what's a brony ?"
I shook my head. I wasn't going to be responsible for sullying the gorgeous purity of this little pony sitting on my couch, and so I quickly took the laptop from her and looked at it intently, turning it over in my hands while clucking my tongue.
"Oh – no!" I said. "The battery's gone dead!" Yes. I actually did it. I lied to Pinkie Pie. I know I should hang my head in shame – but imagine what might have happened otherwise!
Pinkie eyes flashed open in horror! "Augh!" she cried. "Somepony's dead?!"
"Oh, nononononono," I reassured her. "It's just an expression, Pinkie Pie. I mean, my computer has no power... er, energy… er, magic left in it so I can't work it."
"Oh! It doesn't have enough magic left?" She looked at the computer in disappointment. "Oh, if only Twilight were here – she'd be able to get that contuba working in a jiffy!"
"Well, never mind," I said, breathing an inward sigh of relief and closing the laptop. "Now why don't I get those cupcakes for us?"
Pinkie might have been interested in the contuba, but she was far more interested in cupcakes, and she nodded enthusiastically. As soon as I brought them out from where I'd left them in the oven and over to the table, she'd already leaned over the table and devoured three of them.
"Wait Pinkie!" I said, laughing, as I jerked the tray away from her. "Don't you want some hotsauce with your cupcakes?"
"Oooh, yes please!" she said.
The bottle of Tabasco sauce was far too small for her to manipulate easily, so I did the honours. "Say when!" I said, splashing on lashings of the hotsauce.
The whole bottle was down to it final tiny drop when she chimed in with "When!" And then she devoured the cupcakes hungrily, smacking her lips and scrunching up her nose in a most adorable manner. And then she sniffed about for all the little crumbs, and licked them up quickly with her long pink tongue.
"How were they?" I asked. I thought they'd tasted pretty good, but I really had little confidence in my own abilities as a baker – especially when faced with one of Ponyville's best!
"Absolutely scrumptalicious!" she grinned, licking a dollop of hot sauce and frosting which had ended up on her snout with her tongue. "Oh, so you're a baker as well?"
"Well, not really," I admitted. "I'm actually a schoolteacher."
"Oh, so just like Miss Cheerilee!" Pinkie's face grew serious. "You humans are so similar to us ponies. How super mysterious!" But her musings on why this would be the case were cut short when she suddenly noticed my open bottle of whiskey in front of her. "Ooh! So is that spacepony sarsaparilla?"
"Well, no. It's a special kind of drink, Pinkie," I explained, grabbing the bottle and pulling it away from her. "I don't think you ponies have anything like it in Equestria, and I'm sure you wouldn't like it very much."
"Oh, let me try!" she begged. "Please, pretty please, pleasepleaseplease with whipped cream and sprinkles and confectioner's sugar and choc-chips on top! I just love trying new things, and I've never, ever tasted spacepony sarsaparilla before!"
"Well..." When she put it like that, who could deny the little pink pony anything? So I got up, went to the counter and picked up a tumbler. I looked at it, then at Pinkie as she bounced around – a little kid's soul in the body of a pony. With her size there was no way she was going to be able to taste it, but of course I didn't have any pony glasses that she could lift with her lips so I rummaged through my cupboards until I found my measuring bowl which had a little spout on it that she could pick up. I poured a good dash of whiskey into it and brought it over to her.
"Now just take a sip to begin with, Pi..." I began.
But of course Pinkie had already downed the lot, and her face turned bright red. "S...s...s...spicy!" she cried out.
"Wait Pinkie!" I cried. The little pony was rushing pell-mell around my living room desperately searching for water in places where there was absolutely no chance of finding it – under the cushions of my sofa, in my dresser, under my sewing machine. I was worried that she was going to hurt herself, so I grabbed some real sarsaparilla out of the fridge and quickly poured it into the mixing bowl and gave it to her. She downed it all in a single gulp and lay on her haunches, gasping.
Then Pinkie licked her lips. "Ooooh! Now that tastes just like our sarsaparilla!" Calmer now, she got up and started to nose around at me. "Could I have some more pleeeease Connie Spacepony?"
"Of course you can, Pinkie," I said, pouring the rest of the 1.25 litre bottle into the mixing bowl. She drank that down as well, so I got a second bottle and poured half of that in the bowl as well. With that potential Pinkie disaster averted, I decided that alcohol and ponies definitely did not mix. I, however, was free to continue killing myself with it, so I poured myself a small tumbler full of whiskey and sat down on the couch, inviting Pinkie to sit down beside me, which she did.
"It was my friend Esther who told me about how to summon you," I explained to Pinkie. "I think she must have travelled to Equestria before. But you say you don't know her?"
Pinkie shook her head so hard that her pink mane whipped back and forth, threatening to knock over my glass of whiskey, which I swiftly rescued from the cotton-candy onslaught and held safe in my lap like a baby. "Nope! There're no humans in Equestria. Just ponies. Oh, and griffons. And mules. And manticores. Oh, oh – and hydras. And dragons, of course – little baby ones like Spikey, and big, scary, roararific ones as well! Oh, and Zecora the zebra - she's scary as well, but kind too. And I think there are a few okapis and maybe a giraffe as well, but I've never met them."
"Well, that's a mystery." I couldn't imagine Esther hiding in the Everfree Forest like Zecora. So just how had she learn so much about Equestria? I'd have to ask her next time I saw her, I decided.
"Maybe I'll ask Twilight. I'm sure that if she doesn't know, she'll be able to ask Princess Celestia, and she'll know for sure! Oh, she's such an expert on magic and mirrors and all sorts of things like that."
At the mention of mirrors, I suddenly remembered something Pinkie had said earlier. "Wait, Pinkie. Can I ask you a question?"
"Well, questions are for asking and pudding is for snacking," said Pinkie cheerfully. "So either get asking or get snacking, as Grannie Pie always used to say!"
I got asking. "Well - I was wondering: why are you the only pony - I mean, the only pony who's not also a Princess - who can do that whole 'mirror' thing?"
Pinkie's ears pricked up. "Oh, that's a fantascinating story!" she said. And suddenly music began to appear from nowhere and Pinkie began to sing.
"♪ Oh, when I was a little filly and the sun was going down... ♫"
And as quickly as it started, the music stopped.
"Oh wait!" said Pinkie, smacking herself on the forehead with a hoof. "That's not the right story – and it's not even a story, it's a song!" She giggled and snorted. "I can be such a silly Pie at times! The real story goes like this!"
Well, when I was a little filly my parents didn't allow me and my sisters to have mirrors on the rock farm – too distracting Pappy Pie used to say – and the first time I saw one was when I snuck away one day to visit the circus. I had never seen such wonderful things! Oh, cotton candy and balloons and popcorn and all sorts of wonderful things...
As Pinkie told her story I noticed the air in the room grow thicker and the walls and furniture of begin to blur and shimmer, as if I was gazing at them through a heat haze. I looked at my glass of whiskey and, deciding I'd probably had enough, I got up from the couch to put it on the kitchen table...
...but when I turned back I straight away found myself standing in the middle of the carnival Pinkie had been in the middle of describing! All about me was a babble of cheerful voices and a surge of festive music and colours – oh, the colours! The colours were so bright that they hurt my eyes - the purple banners, the white and gold streamers, the red paper-lanterns, the yellow popcorn, the green tents, the pink cotton-candy, and everywhere ponies! PONIES ! Of every different colour and every different type - Pegasuses and unicorns and earth ponies - oh my! And arching over everything was an endless blue Equestrian sky with the glowing orb of Princess Celestia set in it, glowing gently and warmly and safe to look at, quite unlike our own brilliant sun.
I heard a sharp intake of breath beside me, and I recognised it as coming from Pinkie. But when I turned, I looked down to see that it was little filly Pinkamina that I was with, and not the full grown mare Pinkie. Her hair was straight and flat, lifeless and cheerless, but her eyes were far from that - for I could see past the endless layers of melancholy within them to the bottomless joy that was struggling to come out. It hadn't yet - but she was almost smiling. It was the kind of smile you would make if you'd never smiled before in your life and had only ever seen a picture of one in a book and were trying to emulate it.
I felt the sudden urge to reach down and hug the poor little thing, so desperately alone did she seem even in this amazing place of happiness and fun - but before I could get the chance, I heard a voice pipe up from behind me, saying "Wait! Wait! Wait!" I turned.....
...and just as quickly I was back standing next to my kitchen table with the adult Pinkie lying on the couch before me, grimacing and wracking her brains.
"Oh, that's a different story too!" she muttered. "Oh Pinkie, try and concentrate. This story is all about the House of Mirrors!"
That dream had fled, but part of the magic had remained behind - for as Pinkie continued to tell her story, I was certain I could smell the scents and hear the sounds and feel the textures of everything she described to me and I listened, riveted, as she told at a million miles an hour the whole origin of her amazing ability to enter mirrors.
"The House of Mirrors! Oh, I had always wanted to visit the House of Mirrors. I didn't really know what a mirror was exactly, since it was forbidden for us to have anything fun like that on the rock farm, but I thought it must be something pretty interesting if Pappy Pie had forbidden it and there was a whole house full of them at the carnival! So I wandered inside and straight away I saw all these different pink fillies looking back at me! Tall ones, short ones, ones with faces like melting toffee, ones with legs that looked like they were tottering about on stilts! Oh, it was so amazingly funtabulous! There was even a normal mirror in there, and as soon as I saw my little filly face reflected in it, I realised that all those other Pinkaminas had just been jokes of the light – but the one I could see now was the real me. She seemed so super sad for some reason, and I wanted to cheer her up somehow – so I stepped closer, and as I came closer, reflection-me came closer too... and then we touched. But instead of feeling something, my hoofsie went straight into the mirror and I found myself inside it! I could see the House of Mirrors on the other side of the glass, but I couldn't get back through it – no matter how hard I tried! I was trapped there for what felt like forevvvvvver, until Princess Celestia came and rescued me."
"Wait, it was Princess Celestia who found you?" I asked. I got up to reclaim my drink – things were starting to get good!
The little pink pony nodded. "I was sitting on the mirror-ground and crying for my mommy when I suddenly felt these soft feathery wings wrapping themselves around me! I looked up, and there she was! And then she said to me..." And here Pinkie put on an adorably mock-regal voice in obvious imitation of the Princess: "'It is a very special power that you have been given, my dear Pinkamina Diane Pie. All the things that other ponies will never try to do because they know them to be impossible, will be possible for you – for your heart is the most innocent of all innocent hearts, and you have no understanding of what's possible and what's not. And so I hereby charge you with the task of spreading laughter and happiness throughout all of Equestria!''But I don't know anything about laughter and happiness, Princess...' I said, and it was totally true: back then all I'd known about was rocks – granite and conglomerate and basalt and shale – but not quartz, 'cause Pappy Pie thought quartz was 'too darn flashy' and wouldn't grow it on the farm. Laughter and happiness might as well have been cities on the moon! 'Oh, you will soon, my dear Pinkamina Diane Pie!' Celestia said then, with a super-mysterious smile and a sneaky wink! 'Just keep looking up at the sky.' And the very next day I was kicking a silly old rock along the ground when I decided to look up, just like the Princess had told me - and then I saw Dashie's Rainboom, and the party inside me started and it's never, ever, never ended - ever!"
"Wow!" I said. I put down my drink and realised I had barely touched it. "I've never heard that story before!"
"Really?" said Pinkie in surprise. "Oh, I'm sure I've told everypony about it dozens of times! It is a super-important and interesting one after all..." She took another sip of sarsaparilla and looked thoughtful for a moment. "And so that's the story of why griffons and ponies don't get along!"
"But Pinkie, weren't you...?" I had a million questions, but I went silent, a huge smile spontaneously bursting across my face. Looking at the little pink pony lying on my couch, drinking sarsaparilla out of a mixing bowl, her little hoofsies curled up so comfy underneath her, her puffy pink tail resting against the back of the couch, I was filled with a strange emotion I hadn't felt many times in my life – wait. What was that emotion? I'd felt it yesterday, when I'd found the note that Esther had left for me. It was kinda like happiness, but stronger. Oh yeah, that was it.
It was joy!
Pinkie had noticed me looking at her, and she scooshed herself forward until I could feel her warm, sweet breath soft against my face.
"You know, you have a totally pretteriffic smile, Connie Spacepony," Pinkie muttered drowsily. "You should smile it more often!" She grabbed my cheeks with her forehooves and made the smile wider as I winced a little at the pain – but luckily my drunkenness dulled it. "You looked so sad when I first arrived. Is something worrying you? You can tell your Auntie Pinkie Pie!"
"Auntie?" I pulled away from her smile-widefication and laughed. "`Oh Pinkie, I'm sure I'm probably almost double your age!"
"Awww, c'mon Connie!" said Pinkie. "Jusht tell me! Pretty pleashe?"
Wait – was Pinkie slurring her speech?
"Oh, it's nothing Pinkie," I explained, suddenly thoughtful. "Well, it's just that our world here... the spacepony world I mean – it's just that sometimes we don't have so much to smile about."
"The colours do remind me of the rock farm a teeny-weeny bit," said Pinkie, looking about my room. She did seem to be having some trouble focussing on things, though. "Oh! You know what would cheer this place up? Some decorations! Like horse shoes and flags and banners and streamers... oh! And balloons! Lots of balloons!"
I looked at the walls of my living room. There wasn't much for Pinkie's magical colour brightening power to work on, and I suddenly regretted the awful preponderance of black and beige in my choice of furniture and appliances. It was all perfectly fine from a modern human aesthetic, but I guess from an Equestrian pony's point of view, it was extremely drab. It could do with a lot more colour, and even dare I say it some decorations, just as Pinkie had suggested.
"I guess the rest of the world looks like this," I said, sighing. "Well, things aren't that bad, but now more than ever we need parties and magic and rainbows and... well, I guess we just need you , Pinkie!"
"I should help you all do some redecorating, Pinkie Pie style!" suggested Pinkie. "Oh, that would be so much fun!"
"But I think we might need a whole army of Pinkies!" I replied. "The world is an awfully big place!"
"A whole army of mesies? That would be so absolutely craaaaaazy! There's only one of me, and I'm already tomfollerifically wacky enough for all of Equestria – at least, that's what Twilight Sparkle always says." Pinkie started to laugh so hard the laughter turned into snorts as the noise struggled to escape from her snout, and finally the snorts became the hiccoughs. But when they finally subsided, she looked at me and a sudden smile of realisation blossomed on her face. "Ooooh, I have a super-duper idea! You should totally come back to Equestria with me, Miss Connie!"
"Me?" My heart started to beat hard in my chest. "Go back to Equestria with you?"
"Uh huh!" she replied. "That way you can learn all about toasty warm sunshine and muffins with triple-chocolate sprinkles and all the colours of the rainbow and the magic of friendship and... and... and when you come back here to the human world you can teach all your friends how to be as super bubbly gleeful and happy-go-cheerful as we are!"
"You'd take me with you, Pinkie?" There were tears starting in the corners of my eyes. I knew it was all a dream, but just the mere thought of being able to go to Equestria made me so happy I felt as if a starburst of joy was threatening to explode deep inside me.
"Of course!" she chuckled.
"Do you promise? I mean, Pinkie Pie promise?" I needed to hear her swear, or otherwise... otherwise I felt like I just couldn't go on. The thought of it being a joke was just too cruel to imagine.
But Pinkie had already leapt onto her hind legs and was doing the Pinkie Pie swear, complete with actions. "Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a muffin in my eye, eat an apple cinnamon pie, I promise to never tell a lie!"
But then she fell silent, and looked at me with those huge blue eyes full of intent.
"Uh, Pinkie?" I asked.
"You have such a beautiful mane, Connie," she said suddenly, a cheeky little smile breaking out onto her face.
"What? My hair?" I raised a hand to touch it, but Pinkie was already leaning forward to do the same, and her hoof brushed my hand and I went beetroot red.
"It's totally short like Dashie's," Pinkie continued, stroking it. "And it's soooooo soft!"
I felt suddenly uncomfortable being compared to Rainbow Dash, and I had the strangest feeling that I was somehow doing the wrong thing by the Pegasus by letting someone who was possibly her girlfriend caress my hair. I gently moved away out of reach and said to Pinkie: "So Pinkie, uh – are Rainbow Dash and you... close friends?"
"Oh, we sure are!" said Pinkie, nodding her head rapidly up and down. "We've known each other for pony ears... I mean, years!"
"No Pinkie, I mean are you really, really, really close friends?"
Her bright smile widened. "Yup! We're super close… especially when we hug!"
I looked at her through narrowed eyes. "Do you two... hug... often?"
"Oh, all the time!" laughed Pinkie.
"Normal hugs... or special ones?" I asked.
"Oh, super special ones of course!" replied Pinkie. "Why, sometimes I hug Dashie so hard that her wings pop up and she starts panting..."
"Go on..." I said, fanning myself with my hand. It was getting suddenly hot for some reason!
"…and then she sticks her tongue out and starts moaning 'Oh Pinkie, oh, oh!'"
I shifted about in my chair a bit. Pinkie was miming what Dash was doing during their special hugs, her head thrown back as if in erotic abandon with her mouth open and her tongue lolling out! Surely she didn't mean…?!
Suddenly Pinkie's eyes bugged out, her face went even redder and she got up off the couch and started to stumble around. "And then Dashie goes as red as a raspberry tart and she starts crying: 'Pinkie Pie, I can't breathe! You're hugging me too tight!'"
"Oh," I said. If I'd had big poofy pink hair, I'm sure it would have deflated in disappointment at that moment.
But during the whole pantomime I'd noticed that Pinkie was beginning to slur her speech even more, and her stumbling around was a little too convincing!
"Oh, Pinkie! Are you drunk?" I asked in sudden concern, jumping to my feet and taking hold of her.
"Drunk? Me?" She shook her head. "Oh, I'm just getting a teensy bit silly – sarsaparilla always does that to me!"
Pinkie was leaning against me now and I struggled to stay upright – she was a very heavy little pony! "So... the sugar in the sarsaparilla makes ponies silly?" I asked.
"Uh huh!" Pinkie nodded. "It makes serious ponies all silly and silly ponies even sillier! Who's a silly pony? Who is? You is!" She tapped me on the nose with a forehoof, then suddenly looked confused. "Uh, waitwaitwaitwait.... what were we talking about again?"
"I think maybe you should have a nice lie down, Pinkie," I suggested, guiding her down the corridor towards my bedroom. "You can sleep in my bed tonight, and I'll take the couch."
With a lot of pushing and pulling and cajoling, I managed to get the dizzy little pony onto my bed and rolled her over onto her back, which is just common sense when dealing with a friend who's had a bit too much to drink – even if it was just sarsaparilla!
"Wait, Pinkie – I'll go get a pillow for your head."
She didn't reply but just murmured sleepily, so I retrieved my pillow from the floor and lifting her head with a grunt, slipped it underneath.
I slipped onto the bed next to her, suddenly feeling quite drunk and sleepy myself, especially after lugging her around, and leaning on an elbow I stroked her mane as she slept, her round, pink tummy inflating and deflating like a balloon as she did.
I sighed. "Well done, Connie Spacepony. You finally got a pony to sleep with you." I kissed Pinkie on her forehead, making her squirm a little and smile, and then I lay down beside her, my eyes growing heavy and starting to close. I knew I'd wake up with my face on the dressing table, and no Pinkie... but just the chance of seeing her this one time I knew I'd be able to take with me for the rest of my life.
"Goodnight Pinkie Pie," I said, and then I fell asleep.
It seemed like I'd slept for only a few seconds when I woke up with a start. I turned over with a sigh and snuggled into the bedclothes for warmth, but I was soon aware of the sudden scent of vanilla and hot sauce and burnt sugar. Had I been snacking in my sleep again?
Then I heard the soft sound of someone breathing beside me.
"Oh no, not again!" I sighed inwardly. I sure hoped it didn't turn out to be a student's mother like the last time I'd got drunk and ended up with a stranger in my bed! I reached out, my hand coming into contact with something fluffy and warm beside me, which I stroked it up and down, feeling fur and ribs, eliciting a feminine giggle which ended in a snort.
Fur? My eyes flashed open and there – there was a pony's head in my bed!
I screamed, and Pinkie's own big blue eyes flashed open as I woke her up – and when she saw me, she screamed as well.
"Pinkie!" I jerked up off the bed. "You're... you're...!"
"Oh great sparkling sarsaparilla!" Pinkie sat up as well, her mane totally flattened on one side from the way she'd been sleeping, and she looked about herself in a sudden panic.
My mouth flapped open and shut, but nothing except for the words "You're... you're..." seemed to want to come out.
"Super, super late!" squealed Pinkie. "Oh, I know, I know!"
I rubbed the sleep from my eyes. "No Pinkie! I mean... you're real. You're real !"
"Of course I'm real, silly!" cried the little pink pony. "Real late! The party must have started by now!"
"The party?" Oh, the party she'd mentioned last night! I'd forgotten about it completely. "Wait, what..."
But Pinkie was already leaping off the bed. "I'm really..."
She ran headlong out of the bedroom. "...super-duper..."
She ran back into the bedroom, her head swivelling this way and that until she spotted the mirror on my dresser. "...vanilla-frosting..."
"...LATE!" And then with a hop, skip and a jump she'd leapt across the dresser and gone straight through the mirror – well, she almost did. Her big rump had got stuck once again!
"Wait, Pinkie!" I said, leaping off the bed. My head was killing me and my mouth felt like I'd been gargling sand, but I managed somehow to stumble across to the dresser and with both hands I pushed and pushed on her butt as it wiggled around, getting a few smart smacks in the face with her cotton-candy tail as it whipped back and forth for my trouble.
I turned away, blushing, but her tail continued to swish in my face and tickle me, and I couldn't help but laugh... and as I laughed, my head started to pound even more.
But finally with a sudden Pop! she was through. And as I stood there, staring at the still face of the mirror on my dresser, I felt a sudden horrible, crushing despair.
Pinkie was gone and I was still here. She'd broken her Pinkie promise! And... and it had been the extra-long version as well!
I put my hands up against the dresser mirror, tears welling up in my eyes. "Pinkie Pie! Pinkie Pie! Waaaaaaaait!"
But there was no reply. The mirror showed nothing except for my face, my eyes red and my cheeks moist with hot tears. And I was just about to turn around and throw myself onto my bed and cry my heart out when a pink, marshmallowy forehoof suddenly speared out of the mirror, took hold of my hand, and dragged me in with a scream.
The eternity of a single heartbeat later....
...Pinkie let go of my hand, and I opened my eyes, which I'd jammed shut as I'd been dragged into the mirror, for all about me had been a white expanse of the purest whiteness that had had no beginning and no end. But now, here, I was surrounded by a mixture of clear darkness and sparkling light.
We were standing amid a desert of gold and silver dunes beneath a glistening sky of total blackness, sprinkled with tiny glowing spots of silver and red and blue and green like jewels spread across a velvet cloth. I took a step forward, and puffs of glitter spread up lazily around my feet. The air was cool and crisp, like a night breeze, and it tinkled with the sound of gentle chimes, as if tiny bells were swinging somewhere far away.
I turned to see Pinkie already trotting off to the left, and I went to follow her – and it was then that I noticed the slender tower that curved up into the sky before us, the arched windows glowing with gentle orange light and the sound of happy voices floating across to us through the bright air while at the top of each conical tower, pennants fluttered, each emblazoned with a white crescent on a silver-blue field.
I caught up with the little pink pony at a jog, and I asked, breathless with awe, "Pinkie – just where in Equestria are we?"
Pinkie looked over at me, a smile on her face that shone even more brilliant than either the drifts of stars above us or the bejewelled sands beneath our feet. "Oh, Connie – you big silly! We're not in Equestria. This is the moon!"
Butterscotch's Adventures in Equestria
Together Pinkie and I hurried over the surface of the moon towards Luna's castle, the glittering golden sand puffing up with each step we took. We soon left the field of polished black glass behind us, but even so, the castle still seemed an awfully long distance away.
"I thought Princess Luna wasn't on the moon anymore," I said. "Did something happen between her and Princess Celestia again?"
"Oh, Princess Luna doesn't have to stay here, silly!" laughed Pinkie. "She just feels more comfy here than in Equestria." She brought her mouth close to my ear and whispered conspiratorially. "Just between you and me I think she's still a teeny bit embarrassed about that whole 'Nightmare Moon' thing!" When Pinkie said 'Nightmare Moon' her eyes went wide and her face was lit from below like that of an actor in a B-grade horror movie.
"Well, that makes sense," I replied. She had threatened the whole of Equestria with Eternal Night after all. I guess I'd be a little concerned about the reception I'd receive as well!
"Wait, I'm making sense ?" Pinkie gasped. "Oh no! Don't tell me I'm losing my Pinkie Pie Powers!"
I patted her on the withers – I was going to pat her on the head, but I thought it might come across as a little condescending. "Lose your powers? Are you crazy? I don't think it's even possible, Pinkie Pie!"
Pinkie sighed in relief. "Oh thank oatmeal for that!" But then we heard the sudden pealing of a bell coming from the slender castle far ahead of us, and it was followed by happy cheers that floated across to us distinctly through the rarefied air of the moon.
"Oh great galloping gumdrops!" cried Pinkie. "We're super late! Luna's going to be sooooooo disappointed if we're not there for her grand entrance!"
I looked down at my legs. "I'm sorry, Pinkie," I said, downcast. "I kept you too long in the human world and now my stubby legs are slowing us down as well!"
A sudden light-bulb of an idea lit up above the little pink pony's head. "Of course! Oh, Pinkie, you can be such a smarty-pie sometimes!" And without delay she trotted behind me and slipped her head between my legs.
I went red, and tried not to laugh as the top of her snout rubbed up against a most sensitive area. "Uh, Pinkie – wait. What are you…?"!
But the little pink pony had already gotten herself further underneath me, and lifting her neck she raised me up off the ground until I slid down onto her back with a yelp.
"Oh sorry! Did you bruise your little rump?" She looked back at me in concern as she broke into a trot. "I just realised that if I gave you a pony-back ride we can both go at my Pinkie Pie pace!"
And then we were off. The trot turned into a canter, and the canter into a gallop, and then the gallop became some sort of crazy Pinkie-gait which had all four of the little pink pony's legs flashing backwards and forwards in a rapid blur, and within a heartbeat I was holding onto her sweetly-scented mane for dear life as we sped across the desert sands of the moon, leaving a trail of shimmering gold glitter in our wake.
The air flew past my face as we went faster and still faster and then all of a sudden the landscape ahead of us changed – the sand hills flattened out into a field of what looked like silvery-blue flowers.
"Wait, Pinkie!" I cried. "Are those…?"
"Moonflowers!" she replied. "Hold your breath, Connie – the pollen can make you super sleepy if you breathe it in!" Some of it was obviously already blowing towards us since Pinkie yawned hugely, but she shook her head clear and sucked in a huge lungful of air that made her cheeks puff out like a hamster's and I did the same.
As we streaked through the flowers, pollen swirled up in dizzying eddies of blue and silver and it became hard to see clearly. But then, just as quickly as we'd entered the field, we flew out the other end of it and all of a sudden Luna's castle was before us.
It towered into the sky, so tall that its impossibly slender minarets seemed to bend as it arched towards the zenith. We could hear the cheerful sounds of the party more clearly now, and I thought I could pick out a warm Southern drawl and a particularly loud and throaty laugh amongst the clinking of glasses and the babble of voices.
"Wait, is that… Applejack and… Rainbow Dash I can hear!?"
"Rightamundo, Connie Spacepony!" chuckled Pinkie. "Oooh, those teeny-weeny little earsies of yours are good at hearing things, aren't they? AJ and Dashie are at the party – everypony who's anypony is!"
"Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh!" I knew I sounded like a brain-dead fangirl, but I was so excited I didn't care. "So, are Twilight and Rarity and Fluttershy there as well?"
"I think so!" replied Pinkie. "I mean, we were all sent an invitation! They were totally gorgeous ones, too! When you opened them up, this beautiful sound of bells played and there was a puff of moondust and Princess Luna's super-adorable voice saying 'You are casually invited to join me for a party in my castle on the moon as belated condensation for your bravourageous efforts in rescuing me from the enslavery of the Queen of Meaniepants herself, Nightmare Moon, and saving the whole of Equestria from the total bummer of Eternal Night!'"
Luna's voice might have been super-adorable, but Pinkie's rendition of the Princess's low, boyish tone was even more adorable still. I was sure the Princess wouldn't have used a made-up word like bravourageous, though, and meanie-pants was pure Pinkie Pie! But then I had a sudden, unpleasant thought.
"But wait, Pinkie! I… I don't have an invitation. Won't the Princess be mad if I just turn up on her doorstep and…"
"Oh Connie, you silly spacepony!" replied Pinkie. "You should trust your Auntie Pinkie Pie more. There's no problem at all! The invitations all had 'guest plus one' underneath the 'responders if you please'!"
"So… I'm your 'plus one'?" I asked.
"Yuppers!"
I'm ashamed to say at that very moment I really did squeeeeee, shamelessly and in pure joy.
We were close to the castle now, but Pinkie gave no indication of stopping – in fact, she started to go even faster.
"Wait, Pinkie! Don't you think we're going a bit too fast?" I was sure that if something untoward happened, she would come out the other side absolutely fine – but I was worried about what would happen to my own fragile human body, lacking as it did Pinkie Pie's cartoony rubberiness.
"But we have to go fast!" replied Pinkie, shouting over the sound of the air whistling past our ears. "Otherwise when we hit the wall of the castle we'll crash instead of…."
I couldn't make out the last word. "Wait, Pinkie! Crash? Instead of whaaaaa-!?"
"This!" she cried, and just before we hit the wall her legs flicked out and we actually started galloping up it at a 90 degree angle. My heart was in my throat – I have to admit that I hate rollercoasters, and this was like one of those jet coasters they have in Japan, where it's not just a case of climbing up steep inclines and plummeting down dizzying drops, but zipping straight up so fast that you leave your stomach behind you. That was how it felt to be on Pinkie's back as she galloped up the sheer wall, her little pink hoofsies flying across a sheer, black stone surface that had no obvious place for them to take hold, ducking and weaving past the open windows that at this angle were like yawning black pits beneath us.
I would love to say that I was pumping my fist into the air and screaming "Wooohooo!" while all this was happening, but instead I was clutching Pinkie's mane so hard that I was worried I might be pulling clumps of hair out of the poor pony and my eyes were squeezed shut as I concentrated desperately on not throwing up.
But within moments the sound of the party grew louder and I sensed a patch of light through my eyelids just ahead of us, so I forced my eyes open just at the moment when Pinkie intentionally leapt down into the open window from which the light and noise was emanating – which is to say, we leapt through it, for we'd shifted back into the horizontal, the whole world seeming to rotate around us as we did, making my stomach lurch with vertigo.
And then we were careening through the centre of a crazy swirl of different colours and groups of screaming ponies leaping out of the way as Pinkie found out too late she wasn't able to slow down in time. We plunged through glittering streamers and wreaths of moonflowers, past floating knots of balloons shaped like moons and stars, all shining bright as if filled with moonlight, and tore through a banner emblazoned with the lunar crescent before finally crashing into a table which was covered in bottles of sarsaparilla and apple juice and then into another table upon which was sitting a massive, multi-tiered cake covered in blue and silver icing. This final obstacle brought my crazed steed to an abrupt halt and I flew over her onto the floor with a scream, the impact bringing the cake crashing down upon us and turning the world into a maelstrom of cream and icing and chunks of sponge.
There was a sharp intake of breath all around us, and then a voice I didn't recognise, formal and clear as a ringing bell, cried: "Miss Pinkamina Diane Pie of Ponyville and…. friend!"
I couldn't see anything at this point, for my eyes were full of blue icing, but I quickly wiped it away with my hands to find that I was lying spread-eagled on the ground with Pinkie sitting on her haunches in front of me, licking cream from her face with a long, pink tongue.
And all around us were the remains of a party – a supernova of ripped streamers, torn banners, broken tables, burst balloons, spilt sarsaparilla, atomised sugarcubes, and to top it all off – a splattified cake, some of which was still in my hair and in Pinkie's mane. And standing about use were over a dozen ponies, all dressed in suits and gowns and staring at us in shock.
Pinkie was rubbing her head and looking sheepishly from one to another of the ponies that were present. It was them – all of them! There was Rarity, red-faced and fuming; Applejack beside her, her green eyes wide; and with them I recognised the two Wonderbolts, Soarin and Spitfire – the two Pegasuses were even more striking in person… er, pony. And just behind Spitfire was Rainbow Dash, whose face showed she was struggling to not laugh at her best friend's hijinks; but the same could not be said for Twilight next to her – the purple-coated unicorn's face was one of speechless horror, and there was nothing that Caramel, looking so handsome and elegant in his dark blue dress-blanket and bow-tie beside her, could do to snap her out of it.
I couldn't see Fluttershy – but then I saw the tip of a cream-coloured wing poking out from behind the mighty muscular physique of Big McIntosh. He wasn't wearing his trademark yoke, but rather was looking a little uncomfortable in a dark black suit with a ruffled shirt. His green eyes considered me calmly, and I noticed that the corners of his mouth were curving into the beginnings of a smile. But next to him, a little purple dragon dressed in an adorable miniature coat and tails was smiling – in fact, he started to laugh uncontrollably, and as guffaws which were surprisingly loud for such a little guy exploded out of him, the tension in the room fell away.
It was Rarity who spoke first and so my eyes were straight away drawn to the white-coated unicorn. The formal gown she was wearing, which I recognised as a modified version of her gala dress, was spattered with blue and silver globs of cake, and her beautiful face was livid with barely restrained fury as she took a step towards us. "Pinkie Pie! You! You …. infuriating, uncontrollable, incomprehensible …PONY! "
Applejack was standing beside her, and she gently stopped Rarity from coming any closer by putting a foreleg in her way. "Nah Rarity, no need to git all worked up over spilt sarsaparilla. Ah'm sure Pinkie has a perfectly reasonable excuse fer-" The earth pony looked about at the wreckage of the party and grinned nervously. "-er, everythin'?"
I wanted to say something in defence of the little pink pony who was only late because I'd gotten her silly on sarsaparilla, but once again my voice failed me. Luckily Pinkie broke the short spell of silence in typical Pinkie Pie fashion. She got up, wiped the remains of the cake off herself as well as she could, then waved and said "Hi everypony!"
I noticed that Twilight was staring at me in curiosity, but her eyes quickly flicked across to the little pink pony, and she frowned as she said "Pinkie Pie, just what is going on? What took you so long? And who's your…?"
"Oh, I'm so super sorry I'm late!" replied Pinkie. "I… uh, I had to … uh," She looked about herself and when she saw me she suddenly smiled and said "…pick up my guest from her place!"
"And just where is that, exactly?" asked Rainbow Dash. She had approached us while Twilight was talking, and was considering me through narrowed eyes. "Miss…?"
"Hay… Hayden," I managed to squeak. "Connie Hayden." Dash was adorable on the computer screen, but up close and in person… er, pony (actually, I think I'll just go with in pony from here on in…) she was actually very intimidating. Her rose eyes flashed dangerously, and her rainbow mane flicked this way and that as she looked me over.
"You're not from around here, are you Connie Hayden ?" said Dash. "If that is your real name!
"Wait!" said Twilight suddenly. The whole time she'd kept looking at me in much the same way a scientist would watch a bubbling beaker. "You're a… human, am I right?" I nodded, and Twilight grinned in triumph. "Oh, I knew it! I was just yesterday reading a book about extra-Equestrial beings, and there was a most informative section on humans from the planet – Dirt, right?"
"Dirt?" I asked, confused. "Oh, you mean Earth !"
"Wait!" said Rarity, looking at me as if seeing me for the first time. "She's not some sort of scaleless dragon? She's an… E.E.?"
Twilight nodded. "Yes, she's an extra-Equestrial."
"Ohohohohoh!" Rarity brought a foreleg to her forehead and swooned, and both AJ and Spike stepped forward and caught her before she could fall to the floor.
"Sorry I crashed your party," I said, feeling that an apology was needed for my part in the whole affair – but AJ, still holding onto the unconscious Rarity, just smiled.
"Nah don't let it worry yer none," she said. "Any friend o' Pinkie's is a friend of ours!"
The others nodded, and even Dash seemed a little mollified, because she smiled and said "Well, it's was more Pinkie Pie who did the crashing, and we're all pretty much used to her randomness by now."
"Oh Dashie!" said Pinkie, and she trotted up and pony-hugged her best friend. I couldn't help but notice, however, that Spitfire blinked and her face hardened a little at the sight – but it quickly passed, and soon she was walking up with the other ponies to greet me and help clean up the terrible swathe of destruction that we'd wrought.
But then an elderly unicorn with a blue-coat and a black mane and dressed in an immaculate grey suit stepped forward. He was the owner of the stentorian voice that had announced us when we'd made our grand entrance, and I'd noticed that he'd been standing to one side and watching the proceedings in silence for some time now. He bowed low and then, his lips curling into the non-smiling smile that is the peculiar ability of butlers everywhere, he said "Please do not bother yourselves. You are all honoured guests of the Princess here – please allow me!" And with a clap of his hooves, a number of other unicorn stallions dressed in white shirts and short, black jackets, marched in from one of the many arched doorways that led out of the hall and, their horns glowing with the purple light of telekinetic magic, they bustled about putting everything to rights. Some pretty unicorn mares joined them, and with numerous hot towels that flew about us like those mops in The Sorcerer's Apprentice from Fantasia, they'd soon cleaned me, Pinkie and the comatose Rarity who seemed to have taken the brunt of the cakesplosion, almost as good as new.
As the servants departed from the room as swiftly as they had come, Luna's butler suddenly reared up on his hind legs, puffed out his chest and boomed "Her most Gracious Majesty, Mistress of the Sidereal Reaches, August Ruler of the Night and Lady of the Moon, the Princess Luna !"
Everypony present fell on one knee, and, looking about uncomfortably, I did the same. Two pairs of earth pony trumpeters dressed in purple and silver livery stepped out of the largest of the archways and put their instruments to their lips and blew a most rousing fanfare as between their ranks the Princess Luna herself stepped out into the room and I struggled to contain a gasp of amazement that sprang to my lips. Luna was taller than anypony else by several hands and as she stepped with a grace and a bearing that was regal but also somehow casual. As she walked through the room nodded to each of us in turn, just like she was greeting old friends, and the smile she flashed at us was sweet but cheeky, like the playful, half-guilty smile of a naughty little boy whose head is full of wholesome mischief and who hopes you haven't noticed all the finger-paint marks on the wallpaper yet.
Luna took her place at the end of the hall under a great arched window that was open to the endless black night sky of the moon and she began to speak. "My dear friends, thank you all so much for accepting my invitation and coming to my party!" Oh, her voice! It was so charmingly incongruous to hear such a low and coltish voice from one who was well over a thousand years old and whose delicately-boned features and graceful gait gave off such an overwhelming aura of feminine power. And there was a warmth and sweet naivety to it that made it all the more unbelievable that standing before us was one who had been such a great threat to Princess Celestia and all of Equestria!
She spoke to each of the ponies present in turn, laughing and chatting and generally making everypony feel completely at ease, although when she finally came to me and Pinkie on the end, I was expecting her to show some surprise or shock at the sudden appearance of a human from the planet Dirt – but if she was surprised, she hid it well, for there was no change whatsoever in her calm and amiable demeanour.
"So you must be Pinkie's friend Connie Hayden?" she asked. "It's wonderful to meet you!" On all fours, Luna's face was on level with mine and the sheer gorgeousness of her smiling face and those huge green eyes with their dark lashes made my heart flutter like my secret crush was talking to me for the first time.
"Connie's a spacepony!" said Pinkie excitedly, and among the rest of the assembled guests I could see Twilight slapping a forehoof to her forehead in disbelief.
"I think perhaps she prefers the term 'human', Pinkie Pie," said Luna with an indulgent smile in the bouncy little pink pony's direction. Pinkie nodded up and down in agreement.
"I… I'm very pleased to meet you Princess Luna," I said, trying to do a curtsy as I wracked my brains trying to remember what a curtsy actually was! "I'm a huge fan of yours – I mean, lots of us on Earth are!"
"Is that so? I'm so pleased!" She smiled widely, and the beatific appearance of that night-blue face with its eyes shut in obvious pleasure made my heart turn over – well, actually it was more like it was spinning out of control like a satellite knocked out of its orbit. "Humans have long been friends to the court of Equestria, although we haven't enjoyed a visit from any of your people for a very long time indeed. Please make yourself welcome in my castle, Miss Hayden – and indeed in all of Equestria. Shall you be staying a while?"
"I… I hope so!" I said. "As… as long as I'm not a nuisance."
Luna laughed, and it was like a universe of tiny bells were all ringing at the same time somewhere above our heads – but then I realised it was the sound of a thousand little bells, the same ones we'd heard from a distance.
"That's the signal for the party to begin!" said Luna to all assembled, and then she turned back to me. "Please enjoy yourself, Miss Hayden, and feel free to stay in Equestria as long as you like with my and my sister's blessing. I'm sure that your little pink friend here will be able to find you somewhere to stay?"
"Oh, Connie can stay with me!" said Pinkie, hopping up and down in excitement. "I've got lots of space in my room at Sugarcube Corner, and my bed is super huge!" She frowned back at her butt with her ears turned back. "Even if that thing does take up a lot of space." But then she perked up again. "I hope you like midnight snacks and random snappings from cute wittle alligators, Connie!"
"Well, I…" The same bed? I blushed and stifled a squee and clapped my hands and felt my heart soar all at the same time. "Oh, yes please!"
Luna chuckled again, and with a clap of her forehooves the party got underway. As all the other guests started talking and being served food and drink levitated to them by the unicorn waiters, Luna brought her head close to mine and whispered "Please join me for tea after the party, Miss Hayden. It's been so long since I've spoken to a human, and I'm sure so many things have happened back in your world since then. Are those awful Crusades still going on?"
"The Crusades?" I said. "Oh, er… no. I think they finished up a while back."
"Oh I'm so glad to hear it!" she said. "Well, enjoy the party – we'll chat later. I do hope you like tea!" And then with a saucy wink of an emerald-green eye she walked away into the party towards where Twilight Sparkle was talking with Caramel. I'd noticed the unicorn darting glances in our direction the whole time we'd been speaking, and the look on her face had been one of curiosity and… annoyance?
But I had no time to muse over that look, as Pinkie straight away slipped her foreleg into the crook of my arm and said "C'mon, Connie! Let's PARTY!"
The party was a delightful fusion between the casual and the formal, much like the Princess Luna herself. Of course, there were pony snacks like sugar cubes and beverages such as sarsaparilla and root beer and apple cider, but as befitted the party of a Princess each the sugar cubes had been sculpted into different shapes – I saw manticores and cockatrices and dragons and all sorts of different beings from Equestria, including dozens I couldn't identify. I popped one of these into my mouth and it dissolved away in a series of amazing flavours – I'm sure I tasted strawberry and kiwi fruit and mangosteen and lychee and any one of a hundred different fruit flavours that changed to another as soon as I decided which one was currently playing across my taste buds – and soon I felt my blood sugar level soar through the roof, and I wondered if ponies weren't all immune to diabetes and perhaps had superfast metabolisms that required such a high calorie diet.
And there were delectable hors d'oeuvres (or perhaps I should say "horse d'oeuvres" – oh, I crack me up! Sorry – I think it's all the sugar!) – vegetarian, of course. Beetling towers of dandelion flowers, candied hibiscus blossoms filled with the most delicious vanilla lemon sorbet (these were my favourite) – the selection was beyond imagining. And as we were eating we were entertained with the music of a quartet – and among their number was a certain elegant, winsome mare with a grey coat and dark fountain of a black mane playing an upright bass.
"Pinkie!" I pulled at Pinkie's foreleg in excitement, and she turned to me with questioning eyes, her mouth so chock-full of every different kind of hors d'oeuvre on offer that her cheeks were puffed out like a hamster's. "Who… who's that mare over there playing the bass?"
"Mfai dfunno," she replied, her voice muffled by the half-masticated treats.
"So she's not your sister?" I asked. "We call her Octavia in the human world. She's very popular."
"Wait. You've been watching us from your world?" Dash had overheard us and broken her own conversation with Spitfire to come over and interrogate me. "So how does that work, exactly?"
I quailed under the sharp glance of her beautiful pale-rose eyes and said the first thing that popped into my head. "Uh… magic?" Saying 'magic' had got me out of a long confusing explanation with Pinkie previously, and I was hoping it would do the same job again. But it didn't have quite the effect I was expecting, for Twilight came trotting up to join us, a frown on her pretty face.
"But there's no magic in the human world!" she protested. "It said so in my book!"
I looked from one set of accusatory eyes to another. "By magic, I mean…" What the hell did I mean, exactly? I gazed about at the gorgeous decorations in this magical castle hall, at the strange and wonderful food, the multi-coloured ponies that filled it. How was it possible that we had a TV show based on the actual history of a real alternate world populated with magical ponies? Unless it was some sort of crazy coincidence, Lauren Faust and the other writers on the show must have somehow gained access to Equestria themselves, either intentionally or by accident. Or maybe this was all just a dream – but I no longer really thought of that as a possibility, since this was like no other dream I'd ever had. This place felt – how could I put it? – more real than any reality I had ever experienced back in the human world. The colours were deeper, the emotions I was feeling somehow stronger, the sounds clearer, the feel of things, the taste and scent of the food and drink far more multilayered. It was hyper-real, as if our own world was somehow a vague shadow or a half-remembered dream.
But as all this was rampaging through my mind as I searched for a reply to Twilight that wouldn't sound like a suspicious prevarication, AJ came to my rescue. "Aw girls, this ain't exactly in the spirit of friendship now is it?" The earth pony turned and looked at Twilight sternly. "Nah Twi, don't you remember when you first came ta Ponyville and certain ponies who shall remain nameless -" She glared at Dash, who looked suddenly sheepish. "-accused you of a bein' a spah?"
Twilight sighed. "I wasn't accusing Connie of being a spy – it's just that it said in the book that-"
"Nah we all know that yer can't trust everythin' yer find in books, right?" said AJ.
"Well, that's certainly true, but-" replied Twilight.
Pinkie's head was swivelling back and forth from Twilight to AJ as they talked, and suddenly she felt dizzy and slumped down onto her bottom.
"What's wrong, Pinkie?" I cried in alarm, lifting her up off the floor.
"I think my blood sugariness is a teeny bit low," she said woozily.
"Well, that's no surprise, darling!" Rarity was conscious again and by her side was Spike, following her like a love-struck puppy dog. "You've barely eaten anything! I guess it must be the excitement of being on the moon, or perhaps it's having such a charming lady at your side."
"Lady? Me?" I helped Pinkie over to the snack table and offered her a sugar cube in the shape a griffon which she licked off my hand, making me giggle.
"Why of course!" said Rarity with a gentle laugh. "Although you could do with a little bit of a fashion makeover. If you're planning on staying in Equestria for an extended period, you should most definitely acquaint yourself with the latest fashions." She trotted about me, and I swivelled my neck around to follower her. "For example, that… dress-blanket you're wearing. I know that in some chillier regions of Equestria, and perhaps on your planet as well, that it's best to cover one's rump and hind legs for reasons of pure utility, but it does detract from the line of your figure." She clapped her hooves together. "Why, you must visit my boutique as soon as we return to Ponyville! I'm sure I'll be able to find a most charming saddle to match those eyes of yours. And perhaps some extensions for that-" She grimaced a little. "-rather short mane of yours?"
"And what's wrong with having a short mane?" said Dash dangerously.
Rarity returned Dash's look of annoyance with one of haughtiness. "Well, a short mane is fine for one whose primary concern is speed and athleticism," she said. "I mean, one could scarcely accuse you of ever dressing in style, Rainbow Dash – present gown excepted, of course."
"Don't you listen to her, Dashie!" Spitfire had trotted up and was now standing beside her. "No need to dress up what you've got going on!" She slipped a foreleg around Dash's waist, making the rainbow-maned Pegasus squeal in girlish delight.
I would have fainted there and then at the sight of the pretty pegasuses messing around with each other and giving me the first confirmation that filly fooling might actually exist in Equestria if I hadn't been distracted by a soft voice floating up from somewhere behind me.
"Oh, excuse me Miss… Miss Connie…" It was Fluttershy. "Can I ask you a question, if that's ok with you, I mean…"
I turned and smiled at the timid Pegasus who was looking up at me with those gentle cyan eyes, and I had to fight the immediate and overwhelming urge to hug her tightly and stroke her gorgeous pink mane. "Oh Fluttershy! I'm so pleased to meet you."
"Oh, thank you," replied Fluttershy, blinking. "And I'm very pleased to meet you too, Miss Connie. I've never met a human before. Would you mind terribly if I…" She blushed bright red and lowered her eyes, but kept talking. "…if I touchedyourcoatforjustasecond?" The last part came out in an embarrassed rush.
"But I'm not wearing a… oh, you mean my skin !" I held out a hand. "Well, sure. Go nuts!"
Fluttershy timidly brought a forehoof to my arm and touched it gingerly with an "Eep!", but when I didn't bite her, she started to strokes my arm and smiled. "Your coat… I mean, your skin is so soft and… warm," she said in surprise.
"Wait, she's not cold and slimy?" asked Rainbow Dash, overhearing her. She broke away from Spitfire and rushed over to stroke my other arm, and between the two pegasuses I was pushed this way and that as they rubbed me all over – but I was soon rescued by Applejack and Rarity, who interposed themselves between me and my assailants.
"Now darlings, please!" said Rarity. "Surely this isn't the way to treat a new friend – like a, a… plush toy?"
"Yeah," agreed Applejack. "Where're yer manners? Poor Connie hasn't even had a chance ta get herself some proper vittles' yet!"
"But her coat feels so… nice ," protested Fluttershy meekly.
Rainbow Dash nodded as she lifted up my arm with a forehoof, offering it to AJ. "Yeah! It kinda feels like a sea-otter's. Give it a try!"
"Uh excuse me," I said, smiling apologetically as I took the opportunity to slip out of her grasp. "I'm just going to get myself something to drink."
I thought that maybe I'd leave the fillies to discuss proper party etiquette and go and talk to the stallions present at the party as well – Caramel was sticking close to Twilight, who was deep in conversation with Princess Luna, but Big McIntosh and Soarin were over near the hors d'oeuvre tables. The blue-maned Pegasus was busily eating the left-over dandelion stacks and nodding while Big McIntosh regaled him with an anecdote of some sort. I slipped over to the drinks table, took a bottle of sarsaparilla, and then tried to discretely insinuate myself into their conversation.
"… but yer need to make sure that you don't add more'thn a couple o' teaspoons of cinnamon to the top o', else the pie ends up just tasting of cinnamon an' nothing else." Big Mac stopped and chewed on the tooth-pick in his mouth that he'd swapped for his trademark hay stalk.
"Mmphph…. I'll definitely hafta try it, Mac," replied Soarin, lifting his head up from the tray with several dandelion petals still stuck to his muzzle. "There's nowhere to get a good apple pie in Canterlot – n' all those donuts get boring after a while. Besides, I need something more substantial to power these bad-boys," He flicked out his wings and pumped them. "You know what I mean?"
Big Mac nodded. "Ah've got a real nice recipe for apple strudel as well if yer want…" But then the red-coated stallion noticed me standing nearby and he blanched, quickly changing his tone and saying loudly: "…an that's how yer buck apples. It's all in th' glutes."
"Glutes? But I thought you were going to give me your… OW!" Big Mac had stepped on Soarin's hoof and the Wonderbolt looked at him in pained surprise, but then he spotted me and he started speaking louder as well. "Oh yeah? Well, I'll hafta work on my glutes, then-" He suddenly and ostentatiously turned in my direction, his green eyes going wide as if he'd just noticed me. "Oh, and is this our lovely guest all the way from the planet Dirt?" He grinned at me winningly and I found myself smiling shyly back at him.
"Earth !" whispered Mac harshly in his ear.
"Oh yeah, Earth!" said Soarin. He took my offered hand in a forehoof, but instead of shaking it he brought it to his mouth and kissed it.
"Hi," was all I managed to squeak out, blushing and – I hate to admit it – even giggling. I don't know if you've ever noticed, but Soarin is a very good looking stallion indeed. His sleekly muscled physique and his rakish mane and striking green eyes glinting with playfulness were definitely arresting. But I soon found my voice again. "Uh, sorry to interrupt you guys but I was kinda getting out of my depth in the whole Equestrian fashion conversation over there."
"Ah understand completely. Please join us," said Mac, stepping aside so that I could stand between the two of them.
"So what brings you to Equestria?" asked Soarin, taking a sip of his sarsaparilla.
"Well, it's a… holiday, I guess." Why was I here, exactly? "I mean, I've always wanted to come here so when I… er, learned of the way how to travel from my world to Equestria I jumped at the chance. I guess I was getting pretty bored back on D… Earth."
Big Mac nodded. "Ah know precahsely what you mean. Sometimes Ah just havta get away from the farm for a spell else Ah'm likely t' go a mite loopy."
I turned to Soarin and saw him looking at my rump intently, but when he realised I'd caught him he just smiled at me in innocence and raised his eyebrows. "So Connie – can I call you Connie?"
"Of course!" I laughed.
"You ever been flying before?"
"Wha… flying? No, never!" I said. "Well, I have been on a few planes in my time, but that doesn't really count…"
"Planes?" repeated Soarin. "But aren't they those big, flat areas like out in the West in Aaaaaaaaaaaaapple-"
"Please don't do that, Soarin," said Big Mac, glaring at him.
Soarin looked suddenly sheepish but I came to his rescue. "Oh, no. P-L-A-N-E short for 'aeroplane' – it's just an Earth word for these big machines that we use to fly in – we don't have wings or Pegasuses or magic, after all."
"A contraption jus' like Pinkie would make?" Big Mac whistled. "Sound's downright amazing!"
Soarin was unimpressed. "Aw, you've never really flown until you've flown as Celestia intended – on a wing and a prayer!" He pumped his powerful wings by way of demonstration.
I nodded in feverish agreement. "Oh, I'd love to – but I guess it'll never happen." I flapped my arms. "No wings!"
"We've got magic to sort that out," said Big Mac. "Ah'm sure Twi'd be more th'n happy ta cast that spell on you that'd…"
Soarin glared at the larger stallion and hissed: "I was thinking more of taking Connie here flying on my back!"
Big Mac's gorgeous green eyes bugged out. "Ah see!" He slipped over and whispered into Soarin's ear, but I was still close enough to catch what he said. "Better not let AJ hear about it, though. You know she's mahty sweet on yer!"
Soarin looked offended. "It's just a ride!" he said. "It's not like I was suggesting we…" He suddenly blushed crimson. "Wait, do you think that that would even be possible? Can ponies and… humans – you know?"
I blushed as well. "Ah, I'm not really sure," I said. But I thought it best to change the subject. "So who did you guys come with? I guess you're both 'plus ones' as well?"
Big Mac nodded. "Ah'm here with Fluttershy and Soarin's with AJ ." He turned a hard glance on the Pegasus when he said the last two words.
"But it's not like we're all dating or anything," said Soarin to me quickly. "It's just a friendship thing." He turned to Big Mac. "Just like Big Mac's not dating Fluttershy, and Twilight's definitely not dating Caramel."
Big Mac sighed. "That Twi. She has nah idea that Caramel is melting away for her, poor colt!"
Now was my chance to ask the question that had been playing on my mind! "What about Spitfire and Rainbow Da-" - but I was interrupted by the sudden, insistent ringing of a bell.
Butterscotch's Adventures in Equestria
Luna stepped onto the podium and cast her huge cheerful green eyes across the assembled guests.
"Thank you all so much for coming!" she began. "I know the party's only just started, but I thought I'd like to get all the formalities out of the way first, if I may." She turned to the old silver-maned butler standing beside her and looked at him with mock exasperation. "Apparently it's compulsory that every royal engagement have a formal component to it!"
The butler nodded once, his serene expression unchanged.
Luna turned back and continued. "I'm so sorry that it's taken me so long to formally thank the Elements of Harmony for their courageous efforts on my behalf. You all risked your lives to undo the great evil that my jealousy and selfishness had wrought and prevented a titanic disaster from befalling our beloved Equestria. So let me just say this – thank you, Generosity, Honesty, Laughter, Kindness, Loyalty, and of course – Magic!" She grinned brilliantly at Twilight, who dropped her gaze, smiling nervously and blushing. "Without you, we would at this very moment be wreathed in darkness without end."
"It was sooooo totally our pleasure, Princess!" shouted Pinkie Pie. "You're so much nicer than that mean old meanie-pants Nightmare Moon!" The other ponies stared at her in horror, but Luna merely chuckled indulgently.
"Oh thank you so much, Pinkie Pie," she said, her eyes glittering in pleasure. "I don't think I could have stood another thousand years without laughter!"
"Yay! Laughter! Woohoo!" cried Pinkie, throwing a foreleg into the air.
Rainbow Dash shook her head in exasperation and groaned. "Augh!"
Luna continued. "But that is not the only reason I have called you all here tonight. I would also like to take the opportunity to announce the formal resumption of my duties as Princess of the Night. For too long my older sister has been burdened with the responsibility of managing both day and night – it's time for me to once again do my part to keep Equestria running!"
There were surprised murmurs throughout the crowd, but soon the assembled ponies were all stomping their hooves on the ground as they applauded pony-style as Luna bowed modestly.
When the applause had died away, Luna again spoke. "But I can see I've already stolen away too much of our precious party time with these stuffy formalities," She glanced at the butler and inclined her head. "So sorry to disappoint you, my dear Sterling Silver!" He made no reply but bowed low, a gentle half-smile on his face.
"So let these be my final words," Luna said, and then, stepping forward to the edge of the podium she threw her forelegs up in the air and shouted: "Let's dance everypony!"
At once the lights flicked off and we were plunged into total darkness but after an eternity, which must really have only spanned a single heartbeat, the floor began to flash with multi-coloured squares of light as a huge disco-ball in the shape of the crescent moon descended from the ceiling. It caught the light from the dance-floor below and, shattering it into a million rays that flickered across the walls of the hall, it painted the coats of all the awestruck ponies with sparkling polka-dots of a thousand different shades.
On the opposite side of the room, where the quartet had been, there was an explosion of smoke and a brilliant flash of laser effects (although it was probably magic rather than real lasers, of course): starbursts of pink and blue arced across the room, and we could all hear a heavy bass beat start up from somewhere within, and when the smoke dissipated the quartet had vanished and in its place was a DJ's stand and behind it a unicorn pony wearing purple goggles and – oh, who am I kidding? You all know who I'm talking about – it was DJ PWN-3! The bass heartbeat ended in a blast of orchestral fanfare and a sample of Princess Celestia saying "Send them to the Moon!", and then she started her set with a song I immediately recognised as PinkiePieSwear's remix of Giggle at the Ghostie .
All of this transpired in just a few seconds, and we were all still standing there dumbfounded when Pinkie leaped onto the dance floor and slid across it on her knees. "What's everypony waiting for?" she cried. "You heard the Princess – everypony DANCE now!"
She hopped onto her hind legs and started kicking her forelegs out like a Cossack dancer in time to the beat, and moments later Luna flew down to join her, laughing, and taking up the little pink pony's forelegs in her own the two were soon dancing like you often see mothers and their young children dance – hoof in hoof and swinging around in a circle as Pinkie squealed in pure delight.
This final squeal seemed to have finally broken the ice, and there was a miniature stampede as everypony joined them – and even I did, for ignoring my protests Soarin had pulled me onto the dance floor. Now, I have to admit I'm a pretty bad dancer, but here on the Moon, full of sugar and silly from all the sarsaparilla I'd drunk, I found all my inhibitions fall away and soon I was shaking my groove thing with the best of them. Soarin winked at me, and arched his eyebrows up and down, and I blushed red and hot under his gaze.
Spike, totally adorable in his little tux and top hat, was gyrating his hips next to me and he shouted over the music. "It's awesome to have somepony else with two legs around – I was getting pretty sick of being the only one!"
"Doesn't Owlowicious have two legs?" I shouted back.
Spike's face straight away fell, but when he saw me stifling a giggle he started to chuckle.
"Aw Connie, you're almost as bad as Pinkie Pie!" he said, and then he did the mashed potato over to where Rarity was.
The rest of that night was an amazing blur of colour and music and unrestrained fun – it'd been so long since I'd given myself over to just totally enjoying what I was doing without the added effects of alcohol and I was taken back to being a little girl, eating too much fairy bread and red cordial at a friend's birthday party and just running around mad like a dog let off its leash.
Soon I slumped, exhausted, onto a chair and looked on the table behind me for something to drink. As soon as I'd grabbed a bottle of sarsaparilla, I turned back to find a big pink butt wiggling almost in my face, a butt that belonged to Pinkie Pie herself! I didn't know whether to blush or to laugh out loud, so adorable was the sight. Pinkie's butt, despite all her complaints about it, was not really all that much bigger than the other girls', but it did have a considerable amount of jiggle to it, and she was more or less giving me the equivalent of a lap dance. But within moments, Pinkie turned her head and noticed that she was almost sitting on me and she grinned.
"Oh come on, Connie!" she cried. "Don't tell me you're all pooped out already! The party's just getting started!" She slipped a foreleg through the crook of my arm and literally dragged me back onto the dance floor.
And somehow, with the little pink pony dancing beside me, I amazingly found a second wind and began moving as if this was my first dance of the evening.
Was this another example of Pinkie Pie's magic? I thought, almost giddy with the joy of the dancing. I hadn't felt so alive and unself-conscious in a long, long time.
When DJ-PWN-3's set was finished, her magically-amplified voice boomed out across the hall: "This is DJ-PWN-3 leaving the floor open to requests – so let's hear some!"
"I Kissed a Filly! " yelled Spitfire as she grabbed a blushing Rainbow Dash around the waist.
"Call Upon the Seaponies! " shouted Spike.
"It's Raining Colts! " cried Caramel. A sudden silence fell upon the room, and everypony looked at the brown-coated stallion. Caramel stared back at them, grinning nervously. "Well, it is my favourite song."
After the requests, the party started to wind down – the ponies had taken a break from dancing and were chatting around the edges of the room as DJ PWN-3 played chill-out music. The party must have gone on for hours, I realised, although it was hard to tell with no clocks in the hall and only the stars twinkling ceaselessly outside the great, arched windows – but now finally the huge green-blue orb of Equestria had risen behind the great stain-glass window at the top of the hall and it seemed to everypony that the party was coming to its natural conclusion.
Spike had fallen asleep under a table, and Twi was covering him with a blanket, smiling affectionately down at the snoring little dragon. AJ was talking to a bored Soarin over in a corner, a soppy smile on her face, but he glanced at me and gave me a wink that made my face flush. I looked about, but I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw that everypony else was involved in their own conversations and hadn't seem to have noticed.
Everypony looked exhausted from all the hours of dancing – well, everypony except for Pinkie Pie that is! She was still doing cartwheels and pirouettes on the dance floor, a zany pink explosion of limitless energy. Truly she was Equestria's premiere party pony!
But when she noticed she was the only one left dancing she went galloping around, pulling at pony-forelegs and pushing on pony-rumps, trying to reignite the flagging energy of the partygoers. "Oh c'mon everypony!" she cried, jumping back onto the dance floor. "One last time! Let's do the Pony Pokey! You put your…"
"Augh, Pinkie Pie! We've danced it a dozen times already," groaned Dash, who was slumped in one of the many comfy chairs with a dozing Spitfire's head in her lap.
"How about the Griffon Dance then?" suggested Pinkie, rearing up and flapping her forelegs in the air. "And-a shake-a your wing, and-a shake-a your wing, and-a shake-a your bu…"
"Augh!" cried Rainbow Dash. "We've danced that a dozen dozen times!"
But then Luna stepped forward and everypony fell silent and gazed at her. She still looked as fresh as she had when she first made her entrance – indeed, the magic of the Princess of the Moon was powerful! She was positively beaming with pleasure, clearly overjoyed at how well the party had gone.
"I'd like to thank each and every pony of you for coming – oh, and our non-pony friends as well of course!" She smiled at me and the sleeping Spike. "I don't know about you, but I've had an absolutely wonderful time. I can see we're all exhausted, so please – feel free to-" She turned to Sterling Silver and asked him something, and he whispered into her ear. "-'crash' here tonight." Looking confused, she once again turned to Sterling Silver and said "Wait, you did say 'crash', right?"
The butler rolled his eyes affectionately, a soft smile playing on his face as he nodded.
Luna shook her head. "It just sounds so strange ," she sighed. "I guess I still have a lot to learn."
Pinkie suddenly leaped onto one of the tables and shouted: "Yay! After party! Woohoo!"
"Augh!" cried Rainbow Dash.
Luna went to go, but then she turned back. "Oh, and we'll be having waffles for breakfast tomorrow. See you all then!" And then, with a rousing fanfare and a flash of light she was gone.
"Yay! Moon waffles! Woohoo!" shouted Pinkie.
"Augh!" cried Rainbow Dash.
*****
Everypony was exhausted but happy and we chattered together as the butlers escorted us to our individual rooms. Soon it was just me left with Sterling Silver, and he turned and opened the door to the guest room I was to sleep in with his telekinetic magic. "Please feel free to freshen yourself up, Miss Hayden," he said in his warm, stentorian voice. "The Princess would very much like to share your company for some tea in her study, if you would like to." He indicated the little gold bell that was floating in the air just inside the door. "When you're ready, please ring the bell and you'll be taken to the Princess right away."
I stepped into the room and stared at the wondrous little thing, but when I turned back to thank him, he'd already vanished. Butler magic! I shook my head. Equestria was going to take some getting used to. It seemed that I'd have to get used to being in a permanent state of surprise.
I looked at the opulent room, my mouth wide open. Against the left wall there was a impossibly old wardrobe, the wood intricately carved with all sorts of mysterious creatures – I noticed griffons and hydras and dragons, but there were many more I couldn't identify. But best of all – there was a four poster bed!
Since I'd been a little girl I'd always wanted a four poster bed. My dad had nailed a wooden frame onto my ordinary bed and hung some curtains from it, but it hadn't been the same. And now here was a real one! I squealed and leapt onto it but then immediately rolled aside when I noticed that a dress had been laid out on top of it and I was in danger of creasing it.
I slipped off the bed and lifted the dress up. For a second I had the terrible feeling that it was going to be a pony's dress, maybe one of those intended to reveal a nice, pert rump. But I needn't have worried – it was made to human dimensions, of course. Luna might be cheeky, but she was still an attentive host. Did she have human visitors often, I wondered?
The material itself was absolutely exquisite. It felt impossibly light – it wasn't silk, but it resembled it in texture and the smooth way it fell. The dress itself resembled a long-sleeved cheongsam and was crocus yellow, decorated with swirls and filigrees of cocoa and chocolate brown. But as I admired it I realised what the colours meant, and I laughed out loud. Luna, Luna, Luna! I shook my head. How in Equestria did she know about Butterscotch? She really was the ultimate prankster!
I put the dress back on the bed carefully and as I did I noticed that there were pajamas folded on the pillow as well. These were far more homely, made of blue flannelette and emblazoned with silver embroidered stars – standard issue for guests, I guessed. I wanted to slide straight into them, but I realised I hadn't washed for quite a few hours and was still sticky with sweat from all the evening's dancing. Besides, I was going to see the Princess, and wearing pajamas just would. not. do! no matter how informal a princess she was. So I leaped in the shower, where there was shampoo which literally exploded into a thick foam of apple-scented bubbles and vanilla soap that made me smell like a cupcake – if I hadn't been having tea with the Princess I doubt I ever would have left it! – but when I did finally drag myself out I was feeling much fresher and smelling a lot sweeter as well.
I was sitting on the bed naked and drying my hair with a wonderfully fluffy towel when I heard a knock on the door. I skipped over and had a quick glance through the little spy-hole and saw that it was Soarin. He'd obviously also just got out of the shower as well – he'd changed into a striking blue dress-blanket and was busy slicking back his still-wet mane.
I stifled a gasp of surprise and shouted "Coming! Just a minute!" as I wrestled myself into my new dress (luckily Luna had also provided fresh underwear as well, which I'd found in the little dresser – they were little boy-shorts, yellow as well, edged with cocoa-brown lace and extremely comfy!), brushed my hair into a semblance of order then threw open the door. Soarin stood blinking in surprise at me – and then his eyes travelled up and down before he finally got control of them again and coughed.
"Uh, hi Connie," he began, shifting his weight a little from hoof to hoof as he talked. "Look, sorry to just kind of knock on your door unannounced – but I was just going to take a walk along the battlements and get some fresh air, and I was wondering if you'd like to join me? Uh, AJ was telling me that Equestria is full tonight and that it's a really beautiful sight and…" He trailed off and looked down at his hooves as if they were suddenly the most fascinating things in the universe.
I found his nervousness absolutely charming and I was blushing when I replied "Oh, I'd love to Soarin, it's just that…" But when I saw how suddenly crestfallen he looked, thinking he was getting the brush off, I quickly babbled "No, I really would love to take a walk with you. It's just that the Princess has invited me to have tea with her and…"
Soarin suddenly brightened up, and he smiled at me with flashing eyes. "Hey, it's cool. I understand totally. Some other time then? You're going to be staying at that bakery in Ponyville, right? Sugarloaf-something?"
"Sugarcube Corner," I replied, grinning back at him. But then I suddenly felt a little guilty flirting with this handsome stallion. "Look, Soarin," I sighed. "I've got to level with you. I'm kinda involved with someo… pony at the moment…"
His face flickered, but he masked his disappoint well. "Pinkie Pie?"
"Oh no!" I laughed. But the thought made my heart leap, I must admit. "No, with a human filly… er, girl. At least I think we're in a relationship." Had Esther and I ever really talked about it? I suddenly realised that I'd assumed a lot from that little note on her coffee table.
Soarin noticed my vacillation and he nodded, smiling. I guess he knew something was up. "Aw, that's no problem. I don't want to come on too strong. I'd still love to hit you up sometime and take you flying – as friends. Would that be OK?"
I nodded. "I'd like that." I leaned down and hugged him, smelling the same apple shampoo I'd used as his soft mane rubbed up against my face.
Blushing, I finally pulled away and Soarin grinned at me. "Gnarly! It's a date then." He turned and started to trot away, but then he turned back. "Those colours, Connie – they totally suit you, you know."
"Thanks," I said. "And blue's definitely yours as well, Soarin. I guess 'cause it's the colour of the sky?"
"That must be it!" he chuckled. "Anyhow, I'll be seeing you tomorrow for waffles anyway."
"I wouldn't miss moon waffles for anything," I laughed.
I watched him as he trotted away down the corridor and then I slipped back inside my room and closed the door, my heart beating fast. Esther wouldn't mind me going flying with Soarin, would she? I mean, there was no harm in it, right?
But what about AJ? Would she mind?
I was suddenly bombarded with images of being tied up with a lasso in an apple cellar and left for dead. I reeled with the confusion of emotions, so I quickly hopped over to the little floating bell and rung it before I could get myself into any more trouble.
It straight away chimed in a series of pure gold notes and then it vanished in a puff of gold dust that spread out and enveloped me, and when I waved it away from my face I realised I was no longer in the guestroom but in a high-ceilinged study. I looked about, dizzy and a little disoriented, at the huge arched windows open to the night sky on every side and then at the roaring fireplace and a huge rug where a silver tea service was sitting on a tray.
"Thank you for accepting my invitation," came Luna's unmistakable voice from behind me. "Did you enjoy the trip?' I turned to see her stepping out from behind a little desk beside which there was a telescope and a huge intricate clockwork globe. She was stifling a giggle.
I stared at her, but I couldn't help but laugh. "Another prank?"
She nodded, a strangely shy and apologetic smile on her face. "I'm so sorry. I know I really should try and be a lot more serious, but being stuck by yourself for so long makes you look for ways to pass the time and amuse yourself." There was a sudden sadness in her eyes. "I'm afraid it's become a bit of a habit – and one that my sis doesn't really approve of."
"Thank you so much for inviting me, Y…your Majesty," I said, curtsying again. In the gorgeous dress she'd left for me it came off a lot more elegant than my earlier attempt. "And for being so kind to me, as well." I indicated the dress.
"Oh, think nothing of it! And please – call me Luna!" She walked over to the rug and sat down. "Will you join me? I take it you enjoy tea."
"Of course, Princess Luna!" I knelt down on the other side of the rug from her.
"Oh, just plain old Luna will be fine," the Princess laughed. Then, with magical energy flickering about her horn, she levitated the teapot over to me and poured a stream of dark red-black tea for me into a cup. I took it gratefully as she poured herself another.
"This tea is from the Islands of Morning, the easternmost part of Equestria," she explained, watching me intently as I took a sip. "It's the place where the sun first touches land and the volcanic soil there grows some of the best tea on the planet."
I nodded in interest. The tea was refreshing – it was scented not unlike the bergamot of earl grey or perhaps cloves, but it had the overtones of a citrus fruit not unlike yuzu, and as I drank I felt my tiredness slipping away.
"It's a most refreshing tisane, isn't it?" said Luna, sipping her own tea. "You know, I usually prefer very basic stuff – while I was imprisoned here on the moon all I ever wanted was to be able to taste hay fries again!" Her eyes went wide. "Oh, what a huge craving I had for hay fries! But the one expensive taste I have is for a nice tea. You can make tea out of Moonflowers, of course, but it'll knock you out in ten seconds flat." She arched her eyebrows and I realised she'd just made a joke, so I laughed politely. I'd decided that what Luna's personality reminded me of most was a charming mixture between a bubbly little sister who's always trying to impress you and a cool maiden aunt who's lived a crazy, adventurous life and is just now trying to learn how to settle down.
But as I looked at the sweetly smiling Princess I realised I had to get something off my chest. "I'm so sorry to have just barged in so unannounced, Luna. To the party and to… well, the Moon, and Equestria as well."
Luna smiled. "As soon as I laid eyes on you I could see that you have a kind heart, Connie. And those with kind hearts will forever be welcome in Equestria. Besides, nopony with hostile intentions can come anywhere near my castle." She took another sip of tea. "So you travelled here via the Mirror World?"
"Yes," I replied. "At least, I think so. I mean, Pinkie pulled me into a mirror and I ended up here." I moved the teacup away from my lips and nursed it for a moment. "So all that strange whiteness was the Mirror World?"
"Part of it," replied Luna. "That whiteness is the Light of Creation which still flows throughout the Mirror World – it's a place where all time and space converge, which is why you can pass between the worlds via it. But it takes somepony who knows the way – through experience, or in Pinkie Pie's case, blind luck." She laughed. "You know, the ponies of Equestria call me a prankster, but I'm a rank amateur compared to that Pinkie! I wonder why she chose Earth of all places to visit."
"Well, I guess it's 'cause I tempted her there with a hot sauce-covered cupcake," I explained. I started to take another sip, but I stopped when I suddenly realised something and put down the cup. "Wait – I have to ask you something, Luna. It was my friend Esther – she's from the human world – who told me how to summon Pinkie Pie. She must have come to Equestria before. Do you know her at all?"
"Esther?" Luna shook her head. But a sudden troubled look fell on her face. "I haven't heard of any other humans appearing in Equestria since the times of Meghan and the Heroes of Dream Valley. How odd! I must ask Tia about it."
We continued to chat and sip tea for a short while, but Luna's mind was obviously elsewhere and she seemed to be becoming increasingly perturbed by my mention of Esther. The next time there was a lull in our conversation she suddenly turned to me with a serious expression on her face and began: "Miss Hayden-"
"Oh, please call me Connie," I replied. I couldn't stand the thought of addressing Luna without her title while she called me Miss Hayden like one of my students.
"Oh, of course – Connie, there's something I'd like to do, with your permission." Luna was uncharacteristically hesitant and I saw a sudden embarrassment in her teal eyes.
I put down my tea. "Of course, Luna," I said, concerned. "What is it?"
"I think I need to know more about your friend Esther," she replied. "And I'm afraid that I'll have to step into your mind to learn it."
"Step… into my mind ?" I frowned. "Will… will it hurt?"
Luna shook her head quickly. "Oh no, not at all! It's just that entering another being's mind is a very intimate act, and I'm very sorry to ask to do it, even though we've only just met."
"So how do we do this?" I asked. "Pony-human mind-meld?"
Luna laughed. "I don't know what that it is, but I think I can safely say it's not that. No – as you know, I'm not just the Princess of the Moon, but also of the Night – I'm the one who brings dreams to mortal ponies. And part of that power is the ability to enter another's dreams."
My eyes went wide. "And so you'll be able to see what Esther looks like from my dreams?"
Luna nodded. "Dreams are merely a patchwork woven from one's memories, after all."
Memories ? I suddenly blushed. "Um, Princess – I think you should know that Esther and I were… well, friends." I was about to say girlfriends, but I'd been doubting that for a while now – it sounded more and more like wishful-thinking on my part and I was embarrassed to say it out loud. "Intimate friends?"
"Oh, I would never wish to intrude upon any part of your memories you weren't happy to show me, Connie," Luna reassured me. "You'll be in complete control. It is your dreamworld after all." And then she winked. "Besides, there's nothing I haven't seen in my two thousand years of existence!"
I looked around. "Um, do I have to lie down and just go to sleep or something?"
A tiny little smile flashed onto Luna's face, and I suddenly realised I'd seen that smile somewhere before – except that time it had been mocking rather than playful. "Well," she said. "You do need to be asleep of course, and I'd usually give you some moonflower tea or whatever, but there's a quicker and easier way to do it." She stepped up so close to me that her huge green eyes were a hand's breadth away from mine and I could feel her breath, cool as a night breeze and smelling of a floral scent not unlike jasmine.
I involuntarily stepped back. "A… and what's that?"
Luna stopped. "I could just give you a kiss." She giggled. "Soporific kisses are another of my powers as Princess of the Night!" But when she saw my reaction of surprise, she looked suddenly crestfallen. "Oh, I'm so sorry! I shouldn't have even suggested it. I guess it must seem strange for a human to kiss what appears to be an animal in your home universe. I-"
But I interrupted her. "It's not that at all, Princess." I lowered my eyes. "It's just that you're a Princess, and I'm – well, I'm me, and you're…" I looked up at her. "You're so beautiful ," I whispered.
Luna's eyes flashed in pleasure and she laughed – and again there was that crescendo of pure tinkling as if the night sky were full of tiny bells that were all ringing in happiness. "Oh, Connie, what a lovely thing to say! I'm… I'm afraid I may start blushing. But perhaps you would prefer me to take a more… familiar shape, perhaps?" She took a step back. "Say, like this one?"
Luna reared up onto her hind legs and twirled about in a graceful pirouette on hoof-tip, spreading her wings out widely as she did. The feathers began to sparkle silver-white, and as the glow spread across her whole body she wrapped her wings tight around herself and with a flash of light Luna the pony was gone and standing in her place was a young woman.
She was slender, and surprisingly petit – the top of her head only came up to my neck, and I'm not a tall woman – and with almost no bust at all she looked like she was little more than in her early teens. A glittering imperial-blue robe with all the weight of a breath of wind was draped around her and as she stepped towards me it slid about her like mist, adhering to her adolescent body, and at times parting to reveal skin so perfect and unblemished that it resembled that of a porcelain doll, and so pale a blue that at first I thought it was white, but it held the dream of blue at its heart, like glacial ice. Her hair was the night-blue of her pony-mane, and it framed her childlike face in a tufty bob that made her look even younger still. And those eyes! Wide and almond-shaped and the same teal-green of the pony Luna, they glistened between rows of dark black lashes while below them was a button nose and a tiny cupid's-bow of a mouth gently parted in a pixyish smile.
Suddenly she hopped onto the tips of her bare toes and pirouetted again, giggling with joy – and her voice was that of the pony Luna's, except perhaps even younger, produced as it was in the tiny chest of the elfin-form she now possessed. "Oh, it's been forever since I've taken this form!" she squealed. "I'd forgotten how it feels to be bipedal." She skipped in a small circle, obviously enjoying the feeling of having two legs, and then she suddenly turned her sparkling eyes on me and winked. "So how do I look as a human, Connie?"
"Luna, you look…" I found I literally could not take my eyes of her and I sighed. "You look so beautiful." I knew now how her subjects must feel around her, presented with a divinely perfect representation of their own form. When Luna had been a pony the full effect had been filtered for me as a human, although of course the effect of her entrance had still been absolutely breathtaking. But now, enduring the full onslaught of her immortal beauty, I felt as if I would fall to my knees and start sobbing.
"So, shall we do this?" Luna skipped up to me and stood on tippy-toes to reach my face, but as she leaned forward to kiss me I shied away. Part of me craved the touch of her lips, but another, warier part, feared that I wouldn't survive them. And she looked so much like a child that I felt suddenly uncomfortable, despite knowing that she was in actuality thousands of years old.
"Luna, I-" Every molecule of my being demanded my obedience and it was an emotional agony for me to contradict her, but somehow the words came. "If you don't mind too much, perhaps we can kiss while you're in pony-form?"
Luna looked up at me, disappointed, but then she stepped back and shrugged. "Of course," she said, good-naturedly. And then she clapped her hands together in sudden pleasure. "Oh, you must want to know what it feels like to kiss a pony. I'm so sorry – I guess I was being a little selfish."
I blushed, and the truth was that I was strongly curious about what it would be like to kiss a pony.
Luna looked at her hands and body and sighed. "OK, I'll change back – but I'm definitely going to take this form again soon. Perhaps I can visit your world for a bit sometime, and you can maybe… oh, I don't know," She was suddenly impossibly adorably shy. "Show me around? Earth must be a lot different from how it was when I was last there!"
Last there? "Oh, you've been to Earth before Luna?"
She nodded. "Yes, but just for a trip – well, I guess you could say it was more a get-away." She giggled, but then her face was serious. "You see, things between me and Celestia were rocky for a long time before I ever became… well, you know. I needed a break."
And then with a flash of light the little girl was gone and Luna took on her original form, if indeed her pony form was her original – after the apparent ease of her transformation I'd started to have my doubts. She flapped her restored wings and sighed, not unhappily. "But oh, this form is so nice and comfortable! And I guess it's better this way… the quality of my kissing might have been affected by being in human form..." She stifled a giggle with her forehooves, then trotted up to me.
Now that she was tall again, I had to lean up to look into her eyes, and she had to lean down, and soon I could feel that cool breath against my lips again and it seemed as if my entire skin began to tingle at once, a subtle, heatless flame coursing along its surface.
"I'm afraid I haven't kissed anypony for a while," said Luna. "So I may be a bit out of practice…"
My heart leapt up in my chest. "Uh, when was the last time you kissed somepony? A thousand years ago?"
Luna laughed. "Oh, of course not. The first thing I did after getting out of my prison, well, the first thing after eating a huge plate of hay-fries at my welcome-back party that is, was kiss somepony."
I opened my mouth to ask the obvious question, but Luna just shook her head. "I'm afraid that's a secret," she said, good-naturedly. "But she won't be jealous if I kiss you, so don't worry."
She? I opened my mouth to say something, but Luna had already leaned forward, her mane draping around the two of us.
"You smell just like a cupcake," she murmured. And then I felt the warm lips of a pony touch mine for the first time. And it felt just like-
To be continued...
Connie Hayden's Fairy-Bread Recipe
You will need:Slices of white bread Margarine Hundreds and Thousands
Remove the crusts of the white bread, and then spread with margarine so that the whole surface of the slice is covered. Sprinkle on Hundreds and Thousands. Slice bread into small triangles and serve with red cordial for maximum sugar-fuelled insanity.
Next time: Pinkie Pie's Most Favouritest Hot-sauce Cupcake Recipe Ever!!!!
Butterscotch's Adventures in Equestria
It felt like...
...I was home.
I jerked upright in bed and looked around, blinking. There was a half-empty bottle of scotch on the dresser with a tumbler on its side next to it, while around my bedroom were scattered what appeared to be the remnants of a party - pink streamers, crumpled crepe-paper and sad, half-deflated balloons lying on the floor in bunches.
"Just what in the hey was I doing last night?" I wondered. I got out of bed, expecting to feel that familiar dull throb of a hangover when I moved, but there wasn't one. Looking down, I saw that I was wearing my usual blue flannelette pajamas with the silver-embroidered stars on them.
Well, at least I hadn't gotten so drunk that I'd forgotten to get changed!
I visited the toilet, but as I was walking from there into the bathroom I suddenly heard the sound of someone operating the coffee machine in the kitchen. I quickly washed my hands and splashed some cold water on my face, then walked down the long corridor that led to my open-plan living room.
Luna was standing in the kitchen next to the waffle maker, and she turned and smiled as I walked in.
"Mornin' Lulu," I muttered.
"Morning Connie!" she said, far more chipper than I had managed. She ran her hands through her blue tufty bob, watching me as I sat down at the kitchen table and then went back to steaming the milk. Holding the metal jug in her left hand, she lightly touched the slender fingertips of her right to the bottom of it until it grew too hot to touch and then poured the steaming milk onto the coffee already waiting in my favourite mug - the one with the sulphur-crested cockatoo on it - which she soon brought over to me.
"Here you go, Miss Sleepy," she said, placing it in front of me. "The moon waffles are almost ready."
"Thanks," I replied, picking up the mug and taking a sip. It was hot and delicious. I watched as she opened the iron, took out the steaming waffles and flipped them onto some plates. She depositing a knob of butter on each of them and then poured on the caramel syrup and chocolate sprinkles that make moon waffles so delectable.
As Luna brought them over, I admired her petite form, dressed in that little sun-dress with the stylised solar-emblems on it that she likes so much, and I got up, my face hot and eager as I grabbed her around the dainty hips.
"Hey!" she giggled, juggling the plates. "Quit it! I'll drop them and then you'll have to make your own - and you're terrible at making waffles."
"I guess I'm just a cupcake-kinda gal," I laughed, letting her go.
As we sat and ate, Luna cradled her usual cup of earl-grey tea with three teaspoons of sugar and a slice lemon while she scanned my face with an amused expression.
Suddenly she put down her cup. "'A cupcake kind of girl', huh?"
"You know that cupcakes are the only thing I can bake," I replied, taking another bite of the waffle. It was as delicious as usual - all melted butter and cream and caramel and chocolate.
Luna rolled her eyes. "That little pink pony! She's a bad influence on you, you know."
"You're just jealous 'cause you think she has a crush on me," I teased, taking another sip of coffee. Luna suddenly leaned across and thumped me on the arm and I nearly choked on it.
"Don't joke about stuff like that," she muttered.
"If you're going to hit me again, I won't," I replied through a mouthful of waffle as I rubbed my smarting arm. "Besides, you're the only girl for me."
"I thought you preferred ponies," she sniffed.
"Just because my last girlfriend was a pony!" I snorted. "You know, you can be totally speciesest at times, Lulu." Then I smiled. "I only let you get away with it because you're so good-looking."
Luna glanced up at the dandelion-shaped clock that hung on the wall over the fridge. "Hey, eat faster," she said. "We're meeting your friend Esther today for lunch, remember?"
I stopped dead, mid-cut of another fat slice of delicious waffle. "Oh yeah," I said. "I totally forgot. You said you wanted to meet her, right?"
Luna nodded. "It's just that she sounds like such an interesting person." She got up and stepped behind me, slipping her slim arms around my shoulders and continued, "Also, I guess I just want to finally meet the woman I stole you from."
"You're terrible, Lulu," I gasped, squirming out from her embrace. As I did I noticed our calendar on the wall. Today was circled in red marker and I brought my hand to my mouth in horror.
"Oh my Princess - I totally forgot!" I cried. "I've got to go and teach one of Cheerilee's classes while she's away at a conference. Now how in the hell did I forget that?"
Luna looked at the calendar and then at me, her face a mixture of bemused surprise and disappointment. "But what about lunch?" she protested. "I was so looking forward to-"
"Sorry Lulu," I replied, my voice muffled by final hasty bites of my waffle as I leaped up from the table. "I guess we'll just have to reschedule." I took a single bound in the direction of the bedroom to change when I realised I was already wearing my favourite yellow, brown and orange chongsam.
What the? I didn't remember putting it on!
I looked back at the clock. The hour and minutes hands were now both pointing at You're already late!
"Oh Celestia!" I swore. "The next train to Ponyville is in ten minutes!"
In one fluid movement I threw my plate and utensils in the sink, ran over to the couch, snatched up my handbag and sprinted out the door.
"Hey wait!" cried Luna as I ran down the front steps. "What about Esther?" She moved to follow me, but there was a sudden, violent gust of wind and the front door flew shut on her with a crash.
I looked back over my shoulder at the little blue-coated alicorn thumping on the front door with her hooves. "She'll have to wait, Lulu!" I shouted so that she could hear me through the glass. "I've got young minds to educate!"
With a final wave I hopped down the front steps two at a time and then raced down the garden path.
It was a gorgeous spring morning, and I noticed that the moonflowers I'd planted were just starting to bloom, sending up sparkling silver pollen. They probably did need a little water though, and I berated myself for not having left enough time to give them any. The poor things might wilt!
I threw open the gate and ran down the path to the street. There was somepony at the end of it near the letterbox, and as I got closer I saw it was Derpy Hooves the mailmare, out early delivering the mail as usual! She had her muzzle deep in one of her saddlebags, but as I ran past her she brought it out and blinked at me in surprise.
"Oh, good morning Connie!" she said in her adorably boyish voice.
"Sorry Derpy, I've got to run!" I cried to her from behind as I ran along the street. "Any mail for me?"
"Just muffins!" she cried back, waving as I disappeared down the street.
The bright honeyed light of the spring morning glistened on the water of the little bay as I ran. It was as if the ocean had turned to liquid gold, and here and there pelicans cut their way through it, leaving glittering trails. On my other side, on the slopes of the high hills overlooking the water the hibiscus and frangipani were blooming, making the landscape look as though it was dusted with hundreds and thousands, and at the sight my heart filled with sudden joy. Even though I was running late I waved and smiled at every person and pony I met in the street on the way to the train station.
When I got there, by some miracle the train hadn't arrived yet. There was the usual assortment of people and ponies on the platform who caught the same train into the city as I did: the earth pony in the blue chequered shirt that never wanted anyone sitting next to him and would lean over with his newspaper and block the whole seat; the red-maned pegasus mare whose mobile phone would play Pachelbel's Canon at the same time every morning to wake her two stops from where she was getting off. But today there was an unicorn pony I didn't recognise with striking glacial-green eyes and a dark black mane standing near the ticket machine, and as I waited for the train I caught her glancing my way.
I smiled politely, but then put her out of mind. Lulu would be furious if she found out I was flirting with strange ponies, after all!
A moment later there was a puff of steam from around the cutting and the sudden shrill whistle of the train as the burly stallions pulling it galloped past us and screeched to a stop, snorting and tossing their manes.
I got on board, took my usual seat and stared out the window as the train started up again.
We quickly left the bay behind, and the glittering waters were soon replaced by rolling fields of tulips that extended to the horizon. An almond-shaped moon, glowing a gentle teal-green against the brilliant blue of the sky, stared down over them and for a moment I thought I saw it blink. But soon the swaying of the train had me dozing and before I knew it my eyes closed and I fell asleep.
***
I quickly wrote my name on the blackboard in the little Ponyville schoolhouse while the little fillies and colts whispered to each other - kids always think that just because your back is turned you can't hear them.
"Good morning class," I said, turning to face them at last. "Miss Cheerilee is absent, so I'll be teaching you today. My name is Miss Hayden."
"Goooooood moooooooorning Miss Haaaaaaaaayden!" The whole class of little fillies and colts joined in in the chorus-like greeting that was common to every elementary school. No teacher has ever worked out why kids chorus it, they just do.
As I sat down at my desk, I noticed a pink-coated little earth pony filly with a luxurious lavender mane lean over to her friend. "I don't know why we had to have a human substitute teacher," she sniffed.
I said nothing and glanced down at the folder of notes Cheerilee had left me. There was a class photo inside, and both the little filly who had just spoken and her friend sitting beside her were circled in red and labelled "Watch like a griffon!", underlined three times for emphasis.
I looked up again, smiling my own version of the butter-won't-melt-in-your-mouth smile the fillies were wearing in the photo. "That's what the word substitute means, Diamond... Terror is it?"
"Tiara!" said Diamond Tiara, scandalised. The rest of the class laughed.
"OK, quieten down," I said, stifling a giggle myself. "Miss Cheerilee has left me some work that she wants you all to do."
"Awwwwwww!" chorused the class.
"Can't we go on an outing instead?" asked a unicorn filly as fluffy as a marshmallow. "It's a beautiful day outside!"
"Even running laps would be better than schoolwork," muttered the orange-coated Pegasus filly beside her.
But the rose-maned earth pony filly between the two of them was already raising a forehoof. "Ooh! Ooh!"
Questions already? I glanced down at class photo again. "Yes ... Applebloom, is it?"
"Uh huh!" nodded the enthusiastic little filly. "Miss Hayden, Ah was wonderin' - why don't humans have cutie marks?"
"What a lame question!" said Silver Spoon, but she flushed red and went quiet when I looked at her sternly.
"There's no such thing as a 'lame' question," I said, addressing the class as a whole. "Asking a question makes you a hero to all the rest of us cowards who didn't dare ask it but who want to know the answer." I got up and sat on the front of Cheerilee's desk - yes, I'm one of those teachers! "I guess humans aren't as lucky as ponies - we have to find our secret talents as well, but we don't have a mark to show us when we've found it."
"So all humans are blank flanks, Miss?" asked Pipsqueak, an adorable little pied colt sitting in the front row. His question caused paroxysms of laughter throughout the class and Applebloom leaned across and elbowed him.
"Tha's a bad word, Pip!" she said. "Yah shouldn't use it."
"But I've heard other fillies and colts use it all the time!" protested the little colt, rubbing his side.
I thought I knew which ones must have put him up to it, for Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were looking at each other and stifling their own giggles.
The poor little colt was getting upset, so I did my best to defuse the situation. "It's only rude if you use it to talk about ponies who you want to make feel bad," I explained. "I'm a human and we're all 'blank flanks'." Hearing a teacher use the word made the class gasp, but then I had their undivided attention. "So it's like saying 'You have a big rump!' to a pony - it's a very rude thing to say to a human, but since every pony has a big rump, it's not rude, it's just the truth!"
I saw the little light-bulbs go on in the class's collective heads and they began to whisper amongst themselves, and so I left them to it for a while - it's the best way for kids to learn, by challenging a cherished belief and then let them discuss it. Even with very small kids it seems to work. Yes, I'm one of those 'Everything you believe is wrong' teachers as well. Sigh.
After a few moments discussion, I decided it was time to get on with the lesson. "Okay everypony," I said. "Books on the floor, please. It's pop quiz time!"
The entire class groaned in unison.
"Oh, Miss Hayden!"
In the back was an adorable little alicorn filly who had a blue coat the colour of the darkening night sky and arresting, wide green-teal eyes. She was raising her little forehoof, eager to get my attention.
I looked down at the class photo. Now what was the little filly's name? Oh, there she was! "Yes... Luna , is it?"
"Yes it is, ma'am!" said the little filly cheerfully. "It's just that I don't think we have time for a pop quiz this morning - Miss Cheerilee organised a speaker to come and talk to us."
"A speaker?" I replied, looking over the list of things to do that Cheerilee had left me. "It's not on the... oh wait, there it is! A lady or mare called Esther." Esther. What a beautiful name!
"I don't want to listen to any boring speaker," muttered Diamond Tiara, and I was about to reprimand her for her rudeness when suddenly the PA system crackled to life, and a female voice, a voice that sounded strangely familiar, came across over it.
"Miss Hayden, would you please come and see Principal Celestia in her office right away please?"
"Uhhhhhhh ohhhhhhh!" chorused the class.
I sighed. "Sorry class, looks like I have to go for a little while."
"But... but what about our speaker?" protested Luna.
"I'm afraid I have to see the Principal first," I said. "Don't worry - it won't take long." I walked over to Silver Spoon's desk and put the chalk on it. "Silver Spoon, while I'm away you're in charge of the class. Give them the pop quiz will you?" I left her staring at the little white cylinder as if it was a spider, and as I walked out the door I heard the inevitable eruption of noise as the class went totally off the rails.
I hoped it would teach Silver Spoon an important life lesson.
I walked down the long corridor away from Miss Cheerilee's classroom and towards where I knew the Pricipal's office was. I stepped through the door to find an beautiful black-maned unicorn pony sitting behind the secretary's desk. She was wearing horn-rimmed glasses connected with a beaded string and was busy scribbling notes with a quill glowing with telekinetic energy that flew back and forth over the page.
It continued to scribble as she looked up at me and smiled a somewhat mocking smile. "Oh hello, Connie. The Principal will be with you in a moment. If you'd like to sit down?" She indicated the couch on the other side of the room, and it was then that I noticed that two girls were already sitting on it - one a rainbow-maned pegasus, the other a griffon. They were both dressed in pleated tartan skirts and white blouses, and looked rather fierce. The pegasus was glancing around the office, bored, while the griffon was checking her talons for dirt under them.
As I sat down next to them, the pegasus turned to me and whispered. "You're totally in for it now, Connie."
"Excuse me?" I asked.
"Yeah, dweeb," said the griffon, leaning over her friend. "We went and put you in it. We said it was you who egged the Principal's chariot."
"What? But I'm not-" I looked down and noticed I was wearing a schoolgirl's uniform just like they were. "But I didn't egg anything!"
"Let's see you get out of this one!" laughed the pegasus.
"Please ask Miss Hayden to come in," came a voice over the speaker.
"Yes ma'am," replied the secretary, and again there was that hint of mockery on her gorgeous lips. "The Principal will see you now, Connie."
I got up, my heart in my throat. Behind me the two mean girls were snickering. The secretary opened the door for me and then leaned so close that I could smell the mint on her breath.
"Have fun," she whispered.
The Principal's office was a large room, with a large mahogany desk and shelves of scrolls on every wall, except for the far one where a fire was burning in a great fireplace. By far the most arresting thing about that office was a portrait of the Principal herself, dressed in riding chaps and with a crop in her mouth, that glared sternly down at all who entered the room.
But the painted image was nothing compared to Principal Celestia herself, sitting at her desk beneath it. Raising her eyes from the scroll she had been reading, she considered me with stern magenta eyes and the lightest flicker of a smile crossed her lips.
"Please come in, Miss Hayden," she said.
Her horn glowed and I heard the door close telekinetically behind me and lock with an ominous click.
As I crept up towards the desk, I was reminded immediately of the reason why Celestia was so feared by the girls and even the teachers of the school. It was not only her love of strict discipline - there was also something about her presence that made you feel as if your every sin was exposed to her. Some said that she'd run the school for over a thousand years, but of course that was impossible...
...wasn't it?
My nervousness increased the longer I was exposed to the cool stare of those magenta eyes. They roamed up and down me, as if searching for a crack in my armour, and I started to sweat. Gilda and Dash had really left me out to dry after our little prank went awry. Those bitches!
"So... is there anything you want to tell me, Connie?" asked the Principal, her voice oozing sudden and threatening friendliness.
"N-nothing, ma'am," I said, my words tripping over themselves in a hurry to escape my mouth. I always stutter when I'm feeling nervous.
"Oh, we've been here before, Connie, haven't we?" said Celestia. "You know that you have two choices. Either you can tell me everything that happened, or you can have it extracted from you and your punishment will be all the more severe for your lack of compliance."
She got up and walked almost absent-mindedly over to where I was standing. I began to shiver. She really was the most intimidating pony - little wonder all us girls called her 'The Tyrant'!
"It... it was Gilda and Dash's fault," I whispered as I felt her breath on the back of my neck. "They made me look out for them while they egged your chariot. They said if I didn't that they'd..." I couldn't complete the sentence, but blushed.
Celestia chuckled somewhere behind me - I wanted to turn and see what she was doing, what expression she was wearing on her face, but I knew that punishment would swiftly follow, so my eyes remained glued on her portrait above her desk.
"Yes, those two girls are quite intimidating, aren't they?" she continued. "What did they threaten you with? That they'd hold you down and cover you in hickeys? Pull off your skirt and throw you into the boy's bathroom? I know their little games." Her breath grew suddenly hot and I stifled a yelp. "But you shouldn't be afraid of them - it's me you should be afraid of."
"I-I'm not afraid of you, Miss Celestia," I lied.
Suddenly I felt her move again and the next thing I knew she had placed her forehooves on my shoulders and had begun to gently knead them. "You're not afraid of me? Then why are you suddenly so tense?"
I gulped. "I-I'm not tense."
"Hush," said Celestia, and then I felt her mouth touch the back of my neck as her forehooves slid down along my sides. And as I felt them slip up inside my blouse I suddenly remembered that the girls had another name for the Principal - Molestia, and I realised all the rumours I'd heard must be true.
I squirmed as she continued to kiss my skin, and my heart began to race. "Don't be so afraid," she whispered. "I'm not really angry. I mean, girls will be girls, especially precocious youngsters like you three. But I will have to punish you for your part in the little prank with a prank of my own!" And with that she pushed me forward so that I was lying chest-down over the desk, and a moment later I felt suddenly cold below the waist - for Celestia had removed her forehooves from inside my blouse and was lifting up my skirt.
"What are you doing?" I cried.
Celestia arched her graceful neck over me so that her face was next to mine. "Disciplining you, my dear," she breathed into my ear. "Now do be quiet -there'll be a chance soon enough for you to scream when I bring my forehoof down on that little rump of yours! And feel free to shout all you like - nopony will hear you!"
I closed my eyes, desperately wishing to be anywhere else at that precise moment, and waited for that forehoof to fall onto my unprotected rump, dreading the sudden spark of pain that would no doubt follow the impacted of her hoof with my bare skin -
Instead, I felt somepony or someone licking my face - at first I thought Celestia had decided to prolong my agonies by further humiliation, but when I opened my eyes I saw that the long pink tongue that was licking my cheek belonged to a little pink pony.
"Pinkie Pie?" I cried. I tried to bat her tongue away, but she kept licking, and I realised my face was sticky with something. I lifted a hand and then brought it away to find that it was covered in vanilla frosting.
"Connie!" Pinkie literally threw herself at me, and I was forced to grab her in my arms as I was enveloped in a maelstrom of pink candy-floss mane and marshmallowy-pony. "It's so super-amazingly awesome to see you again!"
I staggered backwards, and when I finally wrestled the enthusiastic creature off myself, I looked around to find that I was in Sugarcube Corner in the middle of a huge party.
Every pony in Ponyville seemed to be there, and the entire space was standing room only with floating islands of pink balloons and crepe-paper hanging off every surface like bright pink vines in the middle of a dense technicolour forest. Music was playing and everywhere I looked there were ponies dancing or talking or drinking sarsaparilla or eating cupcakes or popping party-poppers or...
My mind reeled. How long had I been in the middle of all this craziness?
"What's going on?" I asked, dazed. It might have seemed a strange question, but Pinkie Pie just took it in her stride.
"It's a party of course, you silly billy filly you!" laughed the little pink pony.
"Yeah, nice you could make it - finally!" said Rainbow Dash, who was standing to one side with Fluttershy. "What kept you so long?"
I tried to remember, but nothing came. "I... I guess I just forgot about it." I looked about, but I couldn't see a banner or anything that would let me who exactly the party was for. So I decided to just come straight out and ask. "What's the occasion?"
"Oh, a party doesn't need a reason," said Pinkie Pie, hopping up and down happily. "Sometimes a party is its OWN reason!"
"We're so glad you could make it," said Fluttershy shyly.
"Yes, darling," said Rarity, trotting up with Applejack beside her. "It just wouldn't be the same without our newest friend in attendance!"
I smiled, flattered, but Twilight Sparkle suddenly appeared from the seething mass of chatting and dancing party-goers and quickly latched onto me. "...but Connie, we didn't finish our conversation earlier about your world." She floated out a scroll and a quill from her saddlebag and quickly read what she'd already written there. "Now where were we? Technology... no magic... sun a giant ball of hydrogen gas.... Oh yes!" She put quill to scroll and ticked off the question as she asked it. "So the weather patterns in your world are determined totally by the effect of the sun on the water and air?"
"Umm... I... I guess they are," I replied. Being an English teacher, my knowledge of science was largely based on the classes I'd slept through in high school.
"Fascinating!" said Twilight. "An entire planet just like our Everfree Forest!" She ticked another place on the scroll. "So, how do humans, with no magic and no natural weapons, deal with the many monsters that must infest your world?"
"Mon- monsters?" I repeated. "Oh, there are no monsters..."
"But there must be!" protested Twilight. "If you have no Princesses to protect you, then how in Equestria did you ever manage to create a workable society in the first place?"
"Stop boring the poor girl, Twi," said Applejack, taking her gently aside. "Parties are for chattin' about nothin' much in particular, not interviewing ponies... Or 'peeple'." She smiled at me. "Am ah sayin' that right?"
"You are," I replied. But I suddenly felt a little dizzy. "But it's so strange! I thought I was somewhere else and then I woke up here and..."
"Oh, that happens to me all the time!" said Pinkie Pie. "The strangest things happen when you're asleep. Like just the other night I was having a dream I was eating a huge marshmallow, and when I woke up my pillow had disappeared!"
"Uh, Pinkie Pie," began Rainbow Dash, but then she thought better of it.
I blinked in bemusement. "Well, I can't have been dreaming," I said. "I think I just must have had a bit too much to drink." I looked about me but could find none of the usual tell-tale signs of alcoholic overindulgence - empty whiskey bottles, items of clothing in weird places...
"Well, of course you did, silly!" laughed Pinkie. "Don't you remember? You challenged me to a hotsauce drinking contest! But after one glass your face went red and steam started coming out your ears and then you fell face-forward onto the cake!"
"Oh, yeah..." Of course. How could I have forgotten so soon? The taste of the hotsauce was still raw and burning my mouth, so I grabbed a bottle of sarsaparilla from the table next to the one that had the remains of the cake on it and downed it.
It went some way to dulling the pain, but my mouth still prickled as if I'd eaten a cactus.
But I quickly forgot my discomfort as I busied myself in chatting with the various ponies that were there - oh, it didn't feel like I'd been living in Equestria for a whole month now! Ever since I'd arrived here my zany adventures had seemed to have had no end.
I was discussing the strange rituals attached to the harvesting of zap-apples with Applejack when I suddenly I noticed Pinkie's face appear from behind the cake I'd so shamefully face-planted. She arched her eyebrows, scrunched up her snout, twitched her ears and gestured for me to approach her with as much surreptitiousness as the over-excited pink pony could manage.
I decided I'd better humour her and see what she wanted. As I slipped across to the cake table I wondered at how strange it was. I thought I'd just seen her over at the snacks table with Spike - but that was Pinkie for you! She could move so fast that sometimes it seemed like she was in two places at once.
I glanced back at the snacks table -and there, behind some balloons, was Pinkie.
But wait - two Pinkies?
I snuck around the back of the cake without anypony noticing and I grinned at the Pinkie who had called me over. "That's some trick!" I laughed. "Two places at the same time?"
Pinkie's face was uncharacteristically serious. "Oh, that's not me - that's the dream Pinkie!"
"The dream Pinkie?"
"Oh, I'm so glad I got you out of there before that evil Princess Celestia gave you a spanking!" said Pinkie. "It looked like she was going to make your rump rosier than a red delicious!"
I blinked in surprise. "Wait, so all that was real?"
"Well, it was a dream, but it was a real dream!" laughed Pinkie. "And so's this one, of course. But everypony here is a dream except for me, you and of course Princess Luna!"
"Princess Luna?" I suddenly felt as if an entire history of memories was trying to flood my mind, but something held it back.
"Of course, silly!" she giggled, hopping up and down. "Princess Luna sent me! She said she was having a humungous amount of trouble dealing with some of your dreams and that I should go ahead and find you and make sure you were OK."
"Well, I'm very flattered that you guys have been concerned about me," I replied. "But everything's fine." I blinked at her again. "Wait, you saw Princess Luna? Where is she?"
"Oh, she's on her way," replied Pinkie. "I was sooooo pooped after the party that I jumped into bed and fell asleep right away! And then I found myself in the dreamworld, but something seemed very strange so I went to check it out. And I found Princess Luna fighting all these monsters! Oh, she was so totally awesome! Her horn flashed, her wings jabbed this way and that-" Pinkie karate-chopped with her hooves and almost knocked the cake off the table in the process. "But then she told me 'Pinkie Pie, I think Connie's in trouble. You have to go find her right at the double!'" She giggled at her rhyme. "And so I hopped as quickly as my little hoofsies would carry me. When I found you about to get spanked, I just pulled you out of there and into this dream!"
"Another dream ?" The little pink pony didn't make a lot of sense at the best of times, but I was finding it particularly difficult to follow her in this particularly crazy conversation.
"Oh, you have so many zany dreams, Connie!" chuckled Pinkie Pie. "It took me ages to find out where you were. First I found a party where Twilight had drunk a liiiitle bit too much sarsaparilla and was acting super strange and trying to poke everypony with her horn, and then I wandered into a surprise party that another dream-me was holding just for Dashie!" She giggled. "You have such a super-duper imagination you know! I mean, sure, I LOVE parties and poppers and paper-streamers and piñatas and playing pin the tail on the pony, but I've never organised a party where I confessed to loving Dashie!" She brought her little muzzle close to my ear and whispered. "She's Spitfire's girl! I actually have a crush on somepony else."
My heart leaped in excitement. "You do? Who is it?" I asked.
"It's a seeeeecret!" said Pinkie in a sing-songy voice.
"Wait? So this is all a dream?" I asked, looking around me.
"Oh, but this is a dream of a party that's in a dream!" Pinkie said, and then she laughed. "I know, it's totally crazerific and totally confusing, isn't it?" She winked. "But what if I told you that this party dream was in a story as well!?"
I blinked at her. "Then I'd say you were crazy!"
"But that's not even the most amazerific thing!" continued the little pink pony, as she jumped into a mass of steamers and hung down from them like a trapeze artist, her hind-hooves hooked around them. "Ooh, ooh, ooh! This is really going to boil your noodle!"
"And what's that?" I asked.
Still hanging upside down, she swung over and whispered conspiratorially in my ear, shielding herself from being overheard with a forehoof. "The you who's dreaming this dream is actually in a story as well." And then her eyes turned into swirling green spirals. "A craaaaaazy story!"
"Wait," I said. "So this is a party within a dream within a dream that's actually part of a story?" My head started to hurt again, and it wasn't the hotsauce I'd been drinking either. "You're right, that is totally amazerific. Too amazerific to believe, actually."
After taking a few moments to extricate herself from the streamers, Pinkie hopped back down "Maybe this'll make it easier to understand." With her forehooves she drew a diagram in the air, lines appearing as she did so. "There are three layers, just like a scrumptious creamy trifle!"
I shook my head. "Wait, is this trifle one of those ones that has a cherry on top?"
"Of course it does!" nodded Pinkie. "It wouldn't be very much of a trifle if it didn't, would it?" She drew a little circle at the top of the line-art cake. "The cherry represents the one who's making this whole thing up. I guess you could call them the author."
"Wait, that's me, right?"
"Oh no," said Pinkie, shaking her head. "The author's a teeny bit like you, but she's not you. I guess you have bits of her, and she has bits of you. Kind of like when you mix a trifle up so that you get a nice mixture of custardy cream and creamy custard and sticky, wobbly jello - if you understand what I mean."
"Yes," I replied. "Wait. I mean no." Was it possible to dream a headache? "And so the top layer is this person's who's not me's story?
Pinkie clapped her hooves together. "Exactly! Oh, I'm so happy you understand my allergy!"
"It's 'analogy '," I explained gently.
Pinkie nodded. "Uh huh! I only have one - any more would be confusing. Actually, one is already pretty confusing."
"So what's the top layer? It's cream, right?"
Pinkie began nodding her head so quickly it had become a blur. "Rightamundo!" she said.
"And that top layer, the cream layer, is this dream I'm supposed to be having?"
She shook her head. "No, it's the story! That crazy story the author is writing."
"Wait, so the second jello layer is this party? The dream within a dream?"
Pinkie shook her head. "No, silly! Well, the jello layer is a dream, but it's not this one. It's the dream you're dreaming right now. The third layer, the sponge layer, is the second dream - my dream! This dream!"
"And so the bottom layer is this party right now?" I grimaced at all the brain power this conversation was demanding of me. "A party in a dream in a story in a dream in a story?" This last bit of thinking made something flip over in my head and I suddenly started to feel dizzy again.
"Actually, I think I need a new allergy," said Pinkie, holding her head as well. "I think I just confused myself! Maybe if I used a doughnut it would be easier to understand." With a sweep of her hooves she made the little line-drawing dissolve away and began to draw a circle in the air to replace it. "You see, we're kind of like the hole in the centre of the doughnut..."
All the talk of cake and doughnuts was making me hungry! "Oh, don't worry about that Pinkie," I told her. "Your ana... allergy was totally easy to understand."
Pinkie grinned happily, but then she brought a hoof to her chin."Oh, but wait! What was it that Princess Luna asked me to do again?" Her forehead furrowed in deep thought. "She said something about a friend of yours... a friend you were talking to me about before. Elsa or something..." She brought a forehoof to her head and stuck her tongue out. "Oh Pinkie Pie! You'd forget your head if it wasn't glued onto your neck! Wait, it is still glued on, right?" She pulled her head a few times in a panic, but then she uttered a sigh of relief. "Phew! I guess it is." Finally her eyes went wide. "Wait, Esther was her name. Esther!"
"Esther?" The name was awfully familiar.
It was then that I noticed that Rainbow Dash had been listening to our conversation and, having clearly endeavoured to stifle her laughter for a long while, finally burst out in a huge set of guffaws. "Oh Pinkie, that's a good one!" she said as she finally got control of herself. "Of course this isn't a dream, Connie. Pinkie's just pranking you. That's our Pinkie Pie - So. Totally. Random!"
Pinkie was about to say something in her defence, but her eyes bugged out suddenly and with a yelp she bounded away into a nearby mass of other partying ponies. A heartbeat later, the dream Pinkie stepped up to join me and Rainbow.
The pegasus looked back and did a double take. "Wait, Pinkie Pie, weren't you just-"
Pinkie nodded up and down. "Oh, I'm sorry Dashie - I got a bit snacky, so I just had to bounce over to the snack table and eat a muffin!"
"A muffin, Pinkie Pie?" asked Rainbow through narrowed eyes.
Pinkie blushed and looked at the floor. "Well, okay - would you believe two muffins?"
Rainbow kept her gaze on Pinkie, and the little pink pony finally caved in. "OKAY OKAY!" she cried, and the music and talking suddenly stopped. "It was two dozen muffins!"
I slumped against a nearby table and looked about the room. The party had started up again after Pinkie's outburst, but everything seemed strange, now, as if everything was out of place in some strange way. Had I really seen two Pinkies? I shook my head, and I felt as if my brain was full of cotton wool. Oh, why couldn't I concentrate? And what had that other Pinkie been talking about? Something about trying to find me to tell me about muffins?
No, before the muffins... she'd been talking about looking for someone, or waiting for someone.
Well, of course we were waiting for someone. I looked up at the clock. The big hand and the little hand were both pointing at "Any moment now!"
"So is she here yet?" asked Pinkie, who had clearly recovered from the public announcement of her muffin problem and was again bouncing up and down with excitement. "Is-she-here-yet!? Isshehereyet!?"
"Who?" I asked, bewildered.
"Wow! That hotsauce must've really packed a punch if you can't even remember that!" said Pinkie with sudden concern. "We're waiting for your friend Esther to arrive from Earth, silly!" She lifted a forehoof and I followed it up to read the massive banner hanging over our heads.
WELCOME TO EQUESTRIA ESTHER!
I stared at the banner. Why on earth hadn't I noticed it before?
"Esther?" I repeated. "But I thought..." Why was that name so awfully familiar?
Rainbow looked up at the clock. "In fact, she should be here any minute now."
The clock started chiming, and as it did everypony's eyes were drawn to the front door of Sugarcube Corner - for the knob had begun to slowly turn...
Butterscotch's Adventures in Equestria
At the final chime the doorknob stopped turning and then the door began to shudder, one, two, three times - and then it flew open with a crash and a blue-coated alicorn came galloping into the room. Her face was flushed and the whole of her body was glistening with sweat, and as soon as she was inside she slammed the door shut with her telekinetic magic and barred it.
“Pr… Princess Luna?” I said.
“Wait,” said Pinkie Pie, her eyes bugging out. “Esther is… Princess LUNA?”
Luna was still trying to catch her breath. “Of course… I’m not… Esther, Pinkie Pie! But I was hoping that I’d find her here.” She looked quickly around the room and then sighed in defeat. “She’s not here either, is she?”
All the assembled ponies fell down on one hoof and bowed, and I quickly did the same, but Luna waved a forehoof impatiently and we all got up as one.
“So you’ve been looking for Esther too?” I asked, once again confused. What on earth, or rather Equestria, was going on here?
Luna slumped onto a chair that Rarity had brought up for her while all the ponies began to mutter to each other in bemusement. “Your friend Esther – or rather her memory – is one hard pony to get a hold of. I’ve been from one side of your dreamland to the other, but every time I thought I was getting close she was gone.”
“My dreamland?” I blinked. Then I laughed. “Oh, you sound just like Pinkie Pie! She was trying to prank me into thinking all of this was a dream just a little earlier.”
Luna was about to say something, but she just looked at my smiling face and then at the rest of the party that was already starting back up again after the strange mixture of surprise and disappointment.
Pinkie looked up at the clock. “I guess she’s not coming,” she said. “But that doesn’t mean we can’t have cake!” She handed me a knife. “Do the honours Connie!”
“It is a shame not to eat that delicious cake,” agreed Luna. “In fact, I think I shall have a slice as well.”
“It is delicious looking, isn’t it?” I said, looking across at her. She was clearly exhausted. “I’m so sorry that you rushed to get here on time and Esther didn’t even bother to show up!”
Luna smiled weakly. “She certainly is a hard girl to get a hold of.”
“Hey Connie! The cake isn’t going to cut itself,” giggled Pinkie Pie, who was starting to eye it hungrily herself.
“Oh! Of course.” I cut down into the cake and the delicious levels of icing and cream and sponge and ganache gave way, and I cut and cut again until there seemed to be enough slices for every pony at the party.
I wiped the sweat from my brow. “Wow, I had no idea that cake was so big!” I gasped.
“It has to be big, silly!” said Pinkie with a laugh. “Every pony in Ponyville is here after all!”
“Since the guest of honour isn’t here,” said Rarity. “Perhaps Connie can have the first slice?”
Luna nodded. “An excellent idea, Rarity!” And with that, she levitated a piece of the cake over to me and I snatched it from the air.
I held the firm but sticky slice in my hand and bit into it without any further ado. But as I bit it, I felt my teeth come up against something hard inside. “Wait, there’s something in here!”
I pulled the something out, and found that it was a twelve-pointed star, about the size of a plum – it was glowing with a soft, orange light and felt warm in my hand, gently pulsing like something that was alive.
I stared at it, uncomprehending.
“Oh, you’ve won, you’ve won!” cried Pinkie, leaping into the air. All the ponies standing around gasped in amazement and then started clapping their hooves.
“Hooray!” They all shouted as one. “Princess for the day! Princess for the day!”
“Oh congratulations, darling,” said Rarity, her eyes sparkling enviously.
“Nice going Connie!” said Rainbow, slapping me on the back with a hoof.
“Lucky,” said Fluttershy, smiling sweetly.
“Ah never win these things,” said Applejack with some disappointment.
“You’ve got the same statistical chance as everypony else, Applejack,” said Twilight.
“It sure as apples don’t feel that way sometimes,” sighed the earth pony.
Luna stepped over to me and took the tiara from her head and put it on mine.
“So… I’m a princess now?” I asked, my heart fluttering. Every girl’s dream was coming true for me – well, even though this was all a dream.
But it wasn’t a dream, was it? It was just another crazy day in Equestria!
“Of course you are,” said Luna, the smile on her mouth gently teasing. “That’s what it means when you find the star in your piece of cake.” With a twinkle of her horn, she helped herself to what remained of my slice. “So what is your first command, Your Majesty?” she asked, her mouth full of crumbs and cream.
I tilted her tiara at a jaunty angle and jumped onto the table. “As your new Princess, I have only one command,” I cried. “Pony must lick pony!”
Rarity looked at Applejack. “Did she just say...?”
“…pony must lick pony?” repeated Applejack, her brow furrowing. “Ah think she did.”
“Oh, you know what that means, don’t you?” cried Pinkie Pie. “FOOD FIGHT!”
The little pink pony jammed her hooves into the multi-tiered cream cake and took hold of two slices, one of which she gobbled up straight away, the second of which she sent flying in Twilight’s direction.
“Oh no you don’t!” chuckled Twilight, stopping the creamy projectile with her telekinetic magic.
But in vain – for Rainbow had crept up behind her and stifling her sniggering she dumped the whole contents of a trifle bowl on top of the unicorn pony’s head.
The effect was immediate. Twilight squealed and leaped away, her mane a mass of jello and cream, and the pegasus pursued her with hooves full of cupcakes which she periodically pegged in her direction.
“Oh, how beastly!” said Rarity, wiping a tiny fleck of cream that had got onto her coat.
“Aw, come on Rar’,” said Applejack. “It’s all in good fun!” And with that she shook up a bottle of sarsaparilla and levelled it at the white-coated unicorn.
“No!” cried Rarity in horror. “Darling, please reconsider your…”
Applejack just laughed and removing her hoof from the mouth of the bottle, a fountain of foam flew out the end and drenched Rarity before she could do more than turn away. After the fizzing and popping died down, all that was left of the fastidious pony was a unicorn-shaped mass of bubbles.
Rainbow, who was weaving and ducking the volleys of popcorn that Twilight was firing at her like a machine gun, almost tripped over in laughter at the sight as she flew past.
Rarity shook herself like a dog, and stood there, shivering, her mane wet and glistening, having lost of all its body under the onslaught of the fizzy liquid. Then she turned to Applejack, who was chuckling, and snarled “Oh, IT. IS. ON!”
The earth pony leaped behind a table of snacks, but it was a costly mistake. Rarity used her magic to levitate the whole table to one side, taking everything with it except for a huge bowl of punch, which overturned and loosed a tsunami of red liquid all over Applejack.
“Oh horse-apples!” she swore.
“One should never mess with a unicorn,” said Rarity, her face fierce.
The food fight had broken out everywhere now, and ponies were throwing cream cakes and cupcakes and carrot cakes and meringues and tortes and brulees and trifles and custard and mousse and French-onion dip and potato chips and punch and whatever else they could get a hold of at each other.
I was the only one immune from the massacre of innocent snacks, protected as I was by a shield of Princessly invulnerability. So I looked on, laughing, as Luna and Pinkie sized off on one another. Pinkie had a custard pie in each forehoof, while Luna was levitating a huge three-tiered cake beside her.
Pinkie fired first, but the two pies went awry, one striking Rainbow Dash by accident as she flew past, coated in muffin batter, the other grazing Luna’s wing and striking my shield, exploding in a starburst of custard and cream and crispy crust.
Luna, triumphant, flew the cake over the cowering and smiling Pinkie’s head – but a second before she could drop it, she was demolished by a barrage of brownies that came out of left field, thrown by another laughing and snorting Pinkie Pie!
“Pinkie!” I cried. “That’s cheating!”
“Aww!” The little pink pony looked ashamed – for about a split second. And then she was off again, chucking forelegs-full of the brownies at any pony unlucky enough to get in her way.
The fight continued. Derpy was zig-zagging in the air, a difficult target for her enemies, and any snack that came too close to her was snatched out of the air and devoured by the hungry pegasus. Applejack and Rarity, who had both somehow been totally covered in chocolate ganache, were wrestling on the floor to the excited clapping and whooping of Rainbow Dash.
Meanwhile one of the Pinkies – I’m not sure if it was the dream Pinkie or the real one – leaped out from behind a table, her forelegs full of new ammunition – about a dozen key-lime pies, tottering in a tower. But she’d bitten off more than she could chew. First one pie and then another threatened to fall off, and it was all that she could do to juggle them with dropping them.
“Oh why can’t I hold all these key-lime pies?” she lamented, slumping to the ground. The pies hung in the air for a second and then one after the other they fell on top of her head until not a single speck of her pink coat could longer be seen.
Suddenly I spotted Fluttershy cowering to one side of the room, and I beckoned to her. The poor thing looked terrified!
“Fluttershy, this way!” I cried.
“But… but it’s too dangerous,” she replied, eeping as a doughnut came spinning over her head to hit the wall behind her and explode in a cloud of sprinkles.
“I’ll protect you,” I said. “You just have to move!”
She nodded, and after a minute of prevaricating, she at last built up the courage to move. She closed her eyes and squealing she flew across the room towards me.
She of course became a perfect target for everypony’s snacks, but with flashes of telekinetic energy I deflected every high-calorie missile sent her way.
The pegasus finally made it behind me, and she lay there, exhausted with fear, her blue eyes looking up at me with relief and gratitude.
“Oh thank you Connie!” she squeaked.
I smiled down at her as I stroked my hand through her gorgeous pink mane. “I couldn’t let you get covered in cream, Fluttershy,” I said. “I think my heart would break.”
Soon the war was over. A few final, errant snacks flew overhead, but largely everypony was coated in cream and jam and jello and mousse and ganache and butter and….
Pinkie looked across at Rainbow. The pegasus wings looked as if they’d been dipped in chocolate while her multi-coloured mane was full of globs of cream and sprinkles. She licked her lips and slowly moved forward.
“Uh, Pinkie Pie?” said Rainbow nervously. “Why are you looking at me like tha- hey!”
She was unable to finish her sentence as Pinkie was already licking her mane, and the sweeps of the little pink pony’s tongue caused Rainbow to burst into bouts of unrestrainable laughter that threw her onto the floor.
Applejack looked at Rarity, who was in the middle of trying to get ganache out of her mane with a comb, muttering in annoyance.
“Ya don’t need no comb, Rarity,” said Applejack with a grin. “Let me help yer out!”
Rarity’s eyes went wide and she stepped back – but not before Applejack was on top of her, licking the ganache from her cheeks.
And soon pony was, in fact, licking pony, from one side of Sugarcube Corner to another. Pinkie was the greatest trouble maker, and I couldn’t help but laugh until my stomach hurt as I watched her pursue a jello-ified Twilight through the crowd of sticky licking and laughing ticklish, ponies. I surveyed the scene, rubbing my hands together, well pleased with how things had turned out.
Suddenly I felt somepony coming behind me, and I turned to see Luna approaching, a mischievous smile on her beautiful face.
“Oh Princess Connnnnnnie!” she said in a sing-song voice, “I think there’s a little something on your face as well.”
“My face?” I said, bringing a hand to my cheek. “But I was protected by my shield. Nothing could have…”
I didn’t finish the sentence as the custard tart that Luna had been keeping behind her back flew with unerring accuracy smack into my face. It disintegrated, leaving my face a destroyed scene of gloppy custard and smashed pie crust.
“Luuuuuuna!” I cried in surprise and humiliation. “Why?”
“Oh come now,” said Luna with a wink. “You must admit you were getting a little too big for your socks.”
“Okay, okay,” I replied. “Maybe I did take things a bit too far.” I closed my eyes as I tried to wipe some of the sticky custard out of them, and when I opened them again my mouth fell open. Luna’s face was now right next to mine, so close I could smell the vanilla sarsaparilla on her breath.
“It’s okay Connie,” she said. “I think everypony had a good time. And anyway, it gives me an excuse to do something I’ve wanted to do for a long time now!”
She leaned over, pursed her lips and brought her mouth against mine, and if felt like-
-I was dreaming.
I was dreaming ?!
I looked around myself. Sugarcube Corner had not seemed to have changed since the previous minute, but I could feel myself changing, and it was a bizarre situation to have yourself be the one thing you’re not sure of. “Wait. Wait. …wait.” I stopped saying ‘wait’ since I realised I must sound like an idiot, and I turned to Luna. “All of this is a dream?”
Luna nodded, looking suddenly uncharacteristically sheepish. “Oh, I do hope you’re not too embarrassed Connie,” she said. “This has been a little bit of a prank at your expense I fear. I was planning on making you lucid as soon as we arrived in your dreams, but when I found out how interesting your dreams were, I decided to leave you unconscious to see just where things would end up!” She giggled and slapped me on the arm. “You know, you have a very vivid imagination, Connie Hayden. ‘Pony must lick pony?’” She sighed. “For a moment there, during the food fight, I got so swept up in your dream that I almost forgot it was one!”
As if in a tidal wave, the series of dreams that I’d had all came flooding in over me and I suddenly blushed crimson. “I’m sorry I dreamed we were married,” I said to Luna, lowering my gaze in shame.
But the Princess’s bell-like laugh rang out clear. “Oh, never mind that! It was nice to be able to share a little moment of time like that with you.” She lifted a hand to my cheek. “Anyway, I was flattered.”
I blushed. Her touch reminded me of how those pale, soft arms had felt around my neck, and I could still feel them there as a ghostly tingling sensation.
Then Luna’s face became suddenly troubled. “It was a difficult thing to find you though. It was like your dreams didn’t want you to take control of them. Something very strange is going on. But I have no doubt that when we meet Esther some of our questions will be answered.”
Esther! It was all flowing back now, my real memories so strange and alien in the reality of this dreamworld. It was the memory of Esther who we’d come here to find, but every time we’d tried to meet with her in my dream…
Luna nodded. “The memory refused to be found, and things changed so to you were distracted from looking for her.”
“Does... does that usually happen?” I asked. I was, after all, a mere amateur in the magic of dreams, while before me was the very Princess in charge of them! Well, Equestrian dreams anyway.
Luna looked troubled. “Well, in cases of traumatic memories, yes. But you never mentioned anything about something bad happening. Maybe your subconscious doesn’t want to find her for some other reason?”
I cocked my head. “That’s probably it. I think… well, I think maybe I’m feeling a bit embarrassed about our… I mean, us ” I couldn’t say relationship . Had we even really had a relationship after all?
“Well,” said Luna. “You’re lucid dreaming right now, so you have control over things in this world.”
“I do?” I blinked.
“You do,” she replied. “And of course, as Princess for a Day, you have ultimate authority – well, until you wake up for real, that is. Until then, go peanuts!”
I knew that Luna meant ‘nuts’, but I decided it would be far too rude to alert her to the mistake, so I just asked,“So I can do anything I want? Like, turn sarsaparilla into whiskey?” I took up a glass and with a little concentration the black, fizzy contents quickly lost their darkness, becoming that golden brown colour that I love so much.
I lifted the glass to my nose, sniffed it, then took a sip.
“Good?” asked Luna.
I nodded. “It’s Laphroaig single malt – exactly what I wanted to drink.” I took a deeper drink and shivered. But this was no time for getting liquored up, so I put the glass back down on the table - after I had another quick drink, of course..
“Perhaps it’s worth a try making Esther appear to us, then,” I suggested.
“It could work,” said Luna doubtfully.
I raised a hand.
The ponies looked on in awe as I began to sweep my hands about me like I was trying to be a ghost. “Esther, Esther! Come forth at my bidding. Connie Hayden, Mistress of Magic and outrageous ham demands it!”
The walls shook, the floor rumbled and the blinds flew up and down as if under the wilful hand of an angry poltergeist while the ponies all shied back in alarm, but try as I could, Esther refused to appear.
Luna frowned, but she was clearly not surprised. “Well, that’s that then. We’re dealing with a memory that doesn’t want to be found so we’ll have to find her the old fashioned way.”
“Shank’s pony?” I asked, slapping a leg.
Luna stared at me, her eyes twinkling. “Oh, I do miss you humans and your strange words! “
“Well, I do know where she lives,” I said. ”And I have a great idea about how to get there.”
I closed my eyes. If I was really Princess for a day, I could do whatever I wanted, be whatever I wanted, right? Although I had no real idea how to do it, I put my imagination to work and began to concentrate.
I felt the centre of my forehead grow warm, and then itchy, and then my head suddenly felt a degree heavier.
I heard Twilight gasp nearby. “Connie, you’re growing a horn!”
My eyes flashed open, and I raised my hands to my forehead. I had! There, in the centre of my forehead, was a horn – it felt soft and velvety to the touch, and alive, like it was channelling electricity along its length.
“That was surprisingly easy,” I said. But I wasn’t finished yet. With my new-grown horn, things seemed to get easier, and with a flash and glow of purple light that sprang up before my eyes, I was quickly surrounded in an aura of magical energy.
Suddenly I felt as if heavy weights had been attached to my hands, and I fell forward onto all fours. My fingers were fusing together and curling into fists, but then they flattened out at the end where my knuckles had been.
The same things happened to my hind legs – for hind legs they were now, rather than just plain-old human ‘legs’. I felt my toes fuse together and smooth out into round hooves – but that was not the strangest thing of all. My tummy and butt began to swell, as if I was being filled with air, and my body took on the consistency of a marshmallow. My chongsam melted into me, its colour changing my usually pale skin to a creamy yellow which spread all over me as if I’d been dipped in dye, and now instead of skin I found myself covered in a light, soft down just like any other Equestrian pony.
My face was the final part to change, and it was by far the freakiest part of a freaky process. I felt my nose flatten, my cheeks stretch and my mouth widen as my face elongated into a muzzle, and my ears slid up and became pointed – and I marvelled at how mobile they’d come by swivelling them back and forth. My hair lengthened and stretched down my now-naked back, and last of all I felt the area above my buttocks start to itch as a tail grew out of it, and there was a sudden “pouf” as it bristled and puffed out into a long, luxurious tail coloured like a caramel swirl!
Luna clapped her hands. “Oh, you look so adorable as a unicorn, Connie!”
But I wasn’t quite finished yet. With a final knitting of my now horsey-brows and a burst of magical energy, twin wings sprang out from my back, splaying out and bursting into feathers and I gave them a few experimental flaps. I now had an extra set of limbs to play with!
“Niiiice!” said Rainbow, trotting about me and checking out the new addition to my body. “Excellent choice, Connie. Wings are totally awesome!”
“Wings are rather fun,” said Luna cautiously. “But they take a little getting used to.”
“It’s okay,” I said. “I’ll just dream that I know how to use them.” I lay down beside her. “Jump on my back!”
“A pony ride?” gasped Luna. “For me?”
I nodded. “You look exhausted, so the least I can do is offer you a lift!”
I looked at the front door. It was far too small to get through in my new alicorn shape, so I turned to Pinkie Pie. “I’m going to do something pretty drastic, Pinkie – but don’t worry! I promise I’ll fix it straight away afterwards.
“Okie dokie lokie!” said the little pink pony, unconcerned.
I glanced up at the ceiling of Sugarcube Corner and with a thought, it split from the rest of the building and lifted straight up into the air with a shuddering rumble while the assembled ponies looked on in awe and fright.
“Sorry,” I said. “That was a little noisier than I expected.” I looked up at Luna. “Ready, Princess?”
She nodded, taking hold of my mane in her forehooves. “Ready!”
I began to sweep my wings up and down and it took only a few moments for me to lift off into the air. I hovered there over the party, wind pushing the ponies back and setting in motion a miniature snack tornado of cake crumbs and potato chips.
I took us higher and then with a nod of my head I replaced the roof of Sugarcube Corner, and as soon I had, the front doors crashed open and all the ponies raced out to wave goodbye to me and Princess Luna.
“Good luck Connie!” cried Pinkie Pie. “I hope you find that sneaky memory!”
“Go give that Esther a butt-kicking from me!” said Rainbow Dash.
Pinkie turned to her, scandalised. “Dashie, what a thing to say!”
“Aw, c’mon Pinkie Pie!” grinned the pegasus. “She totally deserves it for being such a sneak.”
But by now we were too far away to hear what the two ponies were saying, and with every flap of my wings, the little buildings of Ponyville grew smaller and smaller, and soon we were high in the sky and flying over the Everfree Forest.
“Do you know where we’re going?” asked Luna.
I nodded. “She’ll be waiting for me in the place she feels safest – her apartment.”
Beneath us dream-Equestria stretched from horizon to horizon, an exquisite Lilliputian patchwork of fields and forest and plains and desert and little towns that slipped away as soon as they appeared, so fast were we flying. Soon we were flying across the great, undifferentiated landscape of my dreamland – the great fields of giant red-faced poppies, the polar seas filled with leaping narwhals, the painted deserts of purple and russet and ochre, the perfumed jungles – one after another we passed them all by.
After a while Luna said she felt as if she was strong enough to fly on her own again, and with great sweeps of her wings she detached herself from my back and we flew together over the rapidly changing landscape.
Great wisps of cloud arced over the land against the endless blue of an eternal spring sky and exhilarated by my new-found ability to fly I soared and dipped and twirled and spiralled here and there, while Luna kept up with me with difficulty, laughing as she did.
“Connie! Wait up! I’m still exhausted from all that fighting.”
I slowed down and came back beside here, rubbing my head in embarrassment. “Oh, sorry Luna.”
Luna chuckled. “Well, it is your dream after all. I’ll let you show me up this time.”
And at last on the horizon we saw the skyline of my home city – Sydney, but of course it was the dream Sydney and not the real one I had left. The great Harbour Bridge was far larger than the real one, a giant edifice that stretched over the impossibly blue and glittering waters of the harbour itself. We flew over it so close that we could have stretched our hooves down a little to touch it.
“Your home city is very beautiful, Connie,” said Luna beside me.
“Well, it is the dream version of it,” I said. “So I guess it’s missing a few of the rough edges the real one has. There isn’t any rubbish in the harbour for one thing. And there are none of those guys dressed like the Statue of Liberty or wearing a donkey suit and demanding your money around Circular Quay.”
We flew low over the colonial-period sandstone buildings of the Rocks and then along the longest street of inner Sydney – George Street. As we flew, I noticed that not only had the buskers been missing, but there weren’t any people – or ponies – at all. The streets below were deserted. The eerie stillness, I have to admit, perturbed me quite a bit.
But there at last was our goal – the Four Stars hotel. It was there that Esther had taken me that night an eternity ago. It was a tall building in the real world, but here it stretched up into the sky as if it was a mighty, glittering column holding up the heavens, almost bending in upon itself as it did.
Turning to Luna I said, “Esther lives in the penthouse at the top, so my guess is that we’ll find here there.”
“Then let’s pay her a visit,” said Luna. “I have many questions I wish to ask her.”
Leaving the streets behind, we flew up at an angle which should have taken us directly towards the top the building, but when we came alongside the sparkling steel and glass it became obvious that the skyscraper was growing exponentially taller no matter how high we flew. It was as if the penthouse was fleeing away from us, drawing away into infinity.
For a long time the rows of glittering windows slipped past us as we flew straight up parallel with the side of the building, but no matter how far we flew we seemed to be getting nowhere.
At last Luna indicated we should stop, and I did, hovering in the air with mighty flaps of my wings beside her.
“I didn’t think it looked this tall from a distance!” I said with chagrin.
Luna smiled ruefully. “This is an old dreamland trick – no matter how far or fast we fly, we’ll never reach the top of it. I’m afraid somepony is having a laugh at our expense.”
“So what can we do?” I asked.
“There’s nothing else but to fly back down and see if we can get in through the front door,” she replied. “Your Esther seems to be playing hard to get.”
The trip back down took no time at all, and as we touched hoof on the street and furled our wings to our sides, the front doors of the hotel straight away slid open to admit us.
I turned to Luna, nervous. “So it’s a trap?”
“Oh, undoubtedly!” she said with a flippant grin. “But we have no other choice.”
The elevator trip up was an eternity, but finally the door opened.
Esther’s penthouse was just as opulent as I remembered it – the huge flat-screen television, the minimalist furniture except for that incongruous baby grand piano in the far corner. And standing there, with her back to us, looking out through the wide windows at the Harbour that lay glittering in the eternal spring sunshine of my dreamland, was the lady herself, my girlfriend, the mysterious character known as Esther. Or at least, my dream-memory of her.
Dressed in her short black skirt with its burgundy blouse, she turned to face us, and when I saw her face again I gasped. She really was one of the most beautiful things I’d ever laid eyes on, and here in the dreamland her features were even more ethereal, her hair so dark and black that it was as if there was a tear into deep space, her green eyes containing the iciness not of an arctic glaciers but interstellar space.
Her blood-red lips twisted up into a smile. “Welcome home, Connie.” She looked me up and down and the smile deepened and darkened. “Or perhaps I should call you ‘Butterscotch’ now?”
I opened my mouth, flapping it like a koi-carp, but no words were able to escape. But Esther had already turned her attention from me and was staring at Luna, her expression a maelstrom of different emotions.
And then she fell on one knee, her green eyes thrown down onto the floor.
I looked at Luna in surprised confusion, and the expression on her face was even more enigmatic if that was possible. Her teal eyes were wide, her lips pursed, her ears back in what I thought might be… fear?
“So you are Esther,” said the Princess of the Moon simply.
Esther raised her face – and while her eyes glittered with love, her lips subtly twisted into a mocking smile. “I am, my mistress. Please forgive my current form, but I’ve become somewhat used to it.”
My mouth dropped open. “Wait, you know Princess Luna?”
Neither responded to my question. Esther was back on her feet now and Luna approached her tentatively and sniffed at her with her muzzle, but then she stumbled back as if she’d been struck.
“You - you’re no dream,” she cried. “Or a memory. You’re real .”
“I told you I had returned, my mistress,” continued Esther. “And not as a memory, but as myself.” At last she turned again to me, and the mockery on her lips became undisguised. “And I have you to thank for it, Connie – you and your desperate desire to visit Equestria have left the way open for my return. Consider your oath to me fulfilled!”
“Who... who are you, Esther?” I whispered, my ears turning back in alarm. “I mean, really?”
Esther ignored me. All of her attention was focused on Luna, and her eyes sparkled as she gazed at her. “I have come to rescue you, my mistress,” she said. “For too long you have been separated from your true form. You have grown weak and helpless, trapped within the gilded cage of your sister’s…” Her lips curled up in revulsion. “…friendship.”
“Celestia did not trap me,” said Luna simply. “She freed me.”
“NO!” screamed Esther, and the walls of the apartment shook as if a jet had roared past us. “It is I and my three sisters who freed you, freed you to wreak our vengeance on that tyrant! For was it not written at the time of our imprisonment that ‘The stars shall aid your escape’?” She whispered. “And yet you betrayed us.”
Luna looked about. “So the others are here as well?”
“The others?” Esther stepped forward. “After a thousand and one years of service they are consigned to the appellation of ‘others’? The ones you once deemed to honour as your Hoofmaidens? The ones who showed you nothing but unerring loyalty, even during that interminable thousand year imprisonment?”
“I assume they are still wandering the universe in exile,” said Luna. “Otherwise they would be here as well.”
“I am merely the first to return,” said Esther. “I suppose you could term me the first of your prodigal children. But soon the others will find their way back, now that I have returned to Equestria – very soon. And then we may continue where we left off, exacting our vengeance on Celestia and wresting control of this world which is rightfully ours!”
“It’s too late,” said Luna, her face stern. “Celestia and I are reconciled. It is not like the old times were.” Then her expression softened. “But come with us back to Canterlot. Celestia will surely pardon you as she did me.”
“I require no pardon,” hissed Esther. “Merely payment for the wrongs done to me. Imprisoned for a thousand years in the sky! Scattered to the edges of the multiverse and forced to wander through a thousand worlds until I found one with a link to my home. To think it would be found in that awful wasteland of a place called Earth.”
“Hey,” I protested, annoyed at the offhand slur at the expense of my home. “Look, admittedly Earth is pretty bad in places, but it’s really not all that bad.”
Esther looked at me and the look was one that you’d expect of a house-proud lady when viewing the presence of a cockroach on their recently cleaned kitchen bench-top. “You’re still here?” she muttered. “How tiresome.”
“I’m breaking up with you, Esther,” I said fiercely. “When I fell in love with you I had no idea you were a villain from an alternate universe.”
“A pity,” said Esther with a sigh. “You make a most adorable pony. And I must admit that the sex was quite satisfactory.”
Quite… satisfactory? “Well-” I began, but then I stopped. I mean, what are you supposed to say to that? I kept a hurt silence and stared down at my forehooves.
“I must thank you for opening the way, however, Connie Hayden,” said Esther. “It would have been impossible for me to enter Equestria on my own without Celestia noticing me, but hiding within your dreams circumvented that.” She laughed. “Oh, and what unexpected efficiency! I was expecting it to take far longer than this for you to encounter Princess Luna, which is why I had to send you all on a little wild-pony chase to give me time to prepare for your arrival.”
“Wait,” I said. “So… this is all my fault?”
Esther smiled, and it was a smile like a knife-cut across her face. “You can’t really be held responsible,” she said. “You are just a human and were, after all, merely a pawn.”
“You always were the most devious of my Hoofmaidens, Eclipse,” said Luna. “I cannot begrudge the simplicity and brilliance of your plan.”
“Eclipse?” I repeated.
My now ex-girlfriend nodded. “My true name,” she said. “An even older name than that I assumed during that wonderful year of our rule over Equestria: Mare Crisium, the Mare of Crises.” She turned to Luna. “How long I’ve ached to hear it again from your lips, my mistress Nightmare Moon.”
Luna staggered back as if she’d been slapped. “That- do not use that name! I am no longer Nightmare Moon!”
“Nightmare Moon is not merely your past,” said Eclipse with a laugh. “But also your present and your future! She will always be part of you. All that remains is for her to once again be woken from her sleep.”
Luna shook her head. “I will never return to being that creature. I’m Luna now – I’ll never embrace that horrible anger again.”
“You have little choice, Mistress,” and with that Eclipse closed her eyes. “But I tire of these explanations and of this form, attractive though it may be. I think it is time at last for me to put aside these trappings of my old life in exile…”
And with that she touched a slender hand to her forehead and a star burst into life there, a point of incandescent brightness that shone like a hole had been stabbed into a universe of pure light. And as I watched, open mouthed, a horn sprouted from her head, similar to when I had undergone my transformation, and two great wings of snow-white feathers sprang from her back and unfurled, making her resemble nothing less than some fallen angel.
But this form was not to remain stable for long. Her face grew elongated, and her human ears lengthened and slid back, turning into the large, pointed ears of an Equestrian pony. Her clothes melted away as her skin turned to coat, but her body retained that beautiful pale colour which had reminded me of alabaster and that I had loved so much. Soon her hands and feet became hooves and she reared on her hind legs, her unicorn horn still glowing with a blinding light, laughing in unrestrained joy.
“Oh, it is so good to be back!” she cried, and then she fell onto all four hooves and levelled her flashing green eyes at Luna and I. “And now that we are all alicorns here together I suppose we can dispense with all these other trappings of my previous home.”
With that, she raised her horn, stabbing it into the air, and light, blinding and red, sprayed from its centre like a starburst, blasting the walls of the apartment and shattering the furniture and everything else which I had remembered from her apartment in a flameless explosion that left us totally unharmed. Then, as the broken remains of the walls crumbled away, a mighty wind blew up scouring us and stripping the spring clouds from the sky until it was a single, acid blue from horizon to horizon.
“Ah!” cried Eclipse in joy, arching her slender neck as she looked up into the sky. “Freedom! Such unrestrained freedom.” She turned towards Luna. “And soon you will once again enjoy the freedom that you had in times of old, my mistress.”
Then she turned to me. “But first some old threads must be tied up, I fear. Did you know, my dear Connie, that now I have the control of your dream, if you die here you shall never wake back up in the real world? Think of it as Sleeping Beauty, but with no Prince to ever come to your rescue!” She stabbed her horn and a beam of vicious red light jetted out straight at me – but at the last moment it was deflected, sliding over an blue, glowing barrier that had leaped into existence around me. I saw that Luna was the one maintaining it, the barrier formed from magical light that was spilling from the tip of her horn. “I won’t let you harm her,” she cried over the noise of the wind that was rapidly rising to an almost cyclonic intensity.
“You cannot protect both her and yourself, my mistress!” smiled Eclipse. With a flap of one great wing, the wind intensified and in a heartbeat Luna was slammed sideways against the remnants of one of the walls of the penthouse.
She cried out in pain, and the light from her horn dimmed away. Around me, the barrier winked out and Eclipse struck.
The beam of light slammed against me and I was thrown backwards, feeling as though a telegraph pole had collided with me. I was winded and blacked out for a moment, and as my vision cleared I scrambled to my feet – my feet, for my hooves were gone. Just like that my alicorn form had been stripped from me and I was a human again, barely able to stand.
Eclipse chuckled. “You know, Connie, I really do think you looked better as a pony. But now this is goodbye. Goodbye!” She drew back both her wings and with a mighty sweep of them I was thrown off my feet and sent spinning through the air to crash onto a pile of broken furniture and shredded clothes and other debris that had become stuck at the corner of the penthouse where a sliver of wall had remained intact.
And I would have slid straight off the side of the building if I hadn’t been able to grasp the shredded fragments of a towel that had fortuitously been trapped beneath the broken frame of what I recognised as the antique wardrobe that had once been in Esther’s room.
I held on for dear life, and if Eclipse had noticed me there, no doubt she would have simply been able to knock me falling to my death with at the slightest of movements of her wings, but luckily for me Luna had recovered herself and taken to the skies, and Eclipse leaped into the air after her.
I was struggling to climb the towel back up to the rooftop, one burning hand lifted painfully after the other, when I was blown against the side of the building as the two alicorns swept past me, dislodging the air around them like aerial freight-trains. It was Eclipse in pursuit of Luna, peppering the air with blasts of red energy that scored against the side of the skyscraper and smashed window after window.
The towel, under the impact of the two alicorns’ battle, was knocked free from under the wardrobe, and screaming, I fell – but only about a foot, as two pink-coated forelegs sprang out from above and grabbed my hands.
“Pinkie!” I shouted in surprise and relief.
“Connie! Thank Celestia I got here in time!” The little pink pony was hanging by her hind-legs from one end of Esther’s bed which was teetering precariously over the shattered side of the building. She’d had to stretch herself out to catch me and was drawn out like a long piece of rubbery chewing gum.
“Thanks to you, Pinkie Pie,” I replied. I looked down at the swirling ground far below me, and then, nauseous, back up at Pinkie. “Hey, do you think you could pull me up now. I’ve had enough!”
“Okie dokie lokie!” she said, and puffing and panting she soon drew me back up over the precipice and I collapsed breathlessly into her forelegs.
“Oh come on, I’m not that heavy!” I said, and Pinkie giggled. “So wait, you’re the real Pinkie?”
The little pink pony nodded up and down. “Yup! I left dream Pinkie is back at the party – she’s trying to get everypony to play pin the tail on the pony at the moment.”
Far above us the alicorn’s battle continued unabated. Beams of magical energy speared from Eclipse’s horn and Luna dived and soared out of their path – but her defensive flying was clearly taking its toll. The beams were arcing nearer, ever nearer to her, and it was clearly just a matter of time until one hit home.
“Oh Pinkie, how can we help her?” I cried. “She’s getting destroyed out there!”
Pinkie smiled courageously. “If there’s one thing you can rely on, it’s that Princess Luna always has a prank up her sleeve!”
I felt heartened by the conviction in the little pony’s voice, and as if taking energy from Pinkie’s faith in her, Luna proved it true. She came sweeping past the shattered penthouse with Eclipse in pursuit, and Pinkie and I ducked behind the jumbled wreckage so that we wouldn’t be seen. We scrambled to the edge of the rooftop and looked out just in time to see that it had just been a bluff - Luna had doubled back around the corner of the sky-scraper and collided head-on with her pursuer.
The two alicorns smashed into the side of the building, and the resounding impact led to a shattering of the windows which sprayed out glittering fragments of glass across the sky. Pinkie and I held onto each other as the floor beneath us shuddered and swayed, but we were thrown onto our stomachs by a second colossal collision as Luna and Eclipse, in a chaotic jumble of flailing wings and hooves, rolled over onto the top of the building.
Stuck together now, the two alicorns, covered in shattered mortar and with splintered fragments of glass glittering in their manes and feathers, jousted, horn to horn, magical energy coursing throughout their whole bodies like liquid fire.
Pinkie and I looked on in awe. We’d never seen the raw power of alicorns displayed before – it would have been astounding and horrifying from a great distance, but here, mere feet from us, it was like being trapped in the centre of a cataclysm.
“I think Luna’s winning!” Pinkie cried over the sound of the battle.
“I think your right, Pinkie!” I shouted back – but we had spoken far too soon.
Luna, already debilitated by her adventures in my dreamworld and slowed by the exhaustion of the battle against a rested and confident foe, was at last thrown backwards by Eclipse’s great white wings and was still struggling to her hooves when a pulsing light of livid magical energy swamped her.
Under the barrage of the dark red fire, Luna cried out in pain and terror, and as I watched, helpless, the mature form of her alicorn self was stripped away until all that was left was the little pony that I remembered from the last time she was bereft of her magical power.
Luna slumped, semi-conscious to the floor, and Eclipse stood before her, exultant in triumph.
“It is over!” cried Eclipse. “Soon all vestiges of your sister’s influence shall be cleansed from you and my true mistress will be restored, ready to remind Equestria what it truly means to be ruled!”
“Never!” cried Luna. Her voice was more fragile, more boyish now, but within it still remained a core of iron, the regal and imperious will of a Princess of Equestria. She rose onto her hooves once again and stared back at Eclipse. “I’d rather die first than harm my friends.”
Eclipse smirked. “Once you are Nightmare Moon again, my mistress, you won’t care a jot for all these so-called ’friends’ of which you speak.”
I turned to Pinkie in horror. “Pinkie, is there anything we can do?”
Pinkie’s face was serious. “I don’t think there’s any way we can beat that big meanie by ourselves,” she said. “But maybe we can buy Princess Luna some time.”
Eclipse levelled her horn at Luna’s heart. “Now fare thee well, ‘sister’ of Celestia.”
Pinkie and I moved as one. I knew there was nothing that a mere human could do in the face of Eclipse’s elemental power, but I had to do something!
We scrambled to the side of the courageous little alicorn and helped steady her as she struggled to stay on her hooves.
“Luna will never change back into Queen Meanie!” cried Pinkie.
“Yeah!” I added. “Back off, you big bully!” Well, it had sounded more impressive in my head.
“You are still here?” hissed Eclipse, her green eyes directed towards me aflame with hatred. They flicked across to consider Pinkie and a wide, humourless smile split the dark alicorn’s face. “And you brought your little pink friend as well! What an adorable picture of friendship.”
By now Pinkie and I had helped Luna step back to the jumble of debris we had been hiding behind, but a spear of red energy scoured the floor right before us and we stopped dead in our tracks.
“No farther,” said Eclipse. “You have delayed the inevitable by a few seconds, but now with the three of you together I shall be able to remove all my problems at the same time.” She grinned. “What pleasing efficiency!”
“You know, Eclipse, ” said Pinkie. “You might be a prankster, but you’re not very funny.”
Eclipse sneered. “The real joke is that such a frivolous soul of yours ever existed in the first place!” She levelled her horn at Pinkie. “But that is a mistake that I will soon rectify.”
Pinkie stood her ground. “You big meanie-pants always act so snooty when you think you’re about to win,” she said, as sternly as I had ever heard the little pink pony speak before. “But you forgot one thing!”
“And what is that?” sneered Eclipse.
“Never try to out-prank a prankster!” And with that Pinkie pulled something from behind the shattered wall. It was a mirror, the dream-version of the body-length mirror from Esther’s apartment, the same one that I’d looked into after showering all those days ago.
Pinkie grabbed Luna’s hoof and my hand and straight away leaped into the mirror’s face, which turned molten silver to accept us, and as we passed through we could hear Eclipse’s voice, as loud as a volcanic eruption, shattering the dreamworld in her rage.
“No!” she screamed. “Nooooooooo! ”
Red magical light enveloped us and for a moment I felt a hideous burning, and I feared we were a second too late. But then the red light and heat vanished and we found ourselves in the mirror world.
Around us the reflections and images of a thousand thousand worlds were a shifting kaleidoscope of colour, a series of slivers of images that moved about us, but there was one direction where only a single image was apparent – that of an endless blue sky over a shattered rooftop. It was the dreamworld which I’d just been rescued from, and it was rapidly dissolving away.
We didn’t stay to watch it, but carrying the exhausted and wounded Luna between us, Pinkie and I hurried through the splintered and ever-shifting planes of light – our own bodies elongating and refracting and reflecting and sometimes splintering to reassemble soon afterwards. I had little idea of which direction up and down were, or even if they really existed in this strange almost-place, but luckily Pinkie knew where we were going.
Soon the shifting planes of colour changed into a single white light that surrounded us, and under it our true forms reappeared. Then Pinkie suddenly disappeared, and after her Luna, and for a moment I panicked that I’d been abandoned in this weird universe on my own - but a second later I was pulled through into natural light once more, and I found we were back Luna’s room in her castle on the moon.
There on the rug was Luna and myself. Here in the real world the alicorn had also been stripped of her powers and she was curled up with me nestled in the crook made by her legs. My arms were draped over her neck.
“Sorry,” I said, turning to Luna with a blush on my face. “I kinda like clinging to people when I’m sleeping.”
Luna smiled weakly. “Oh, it’s no problem,” she said, her voice barely above whisper.
But then something suddenly occurred to me and I turned to Pinkie. “Wait a second! If we’re over there, lying on the rug, but also here – which of us is the real us?”
Pinkie started to giggle. “Oh, neither of course, you silly filly! This is still all a dream!” And with that the little pink pony began to dissolve away just as the dreamworld had earlier, and I leaped up, suddenly awake, straight into the cotton-candy embrace of Pinkie Pie – the real-life one, not her dream-self or the one that I’d created in my dreams.
“Welcome back!” she laughed. “I’m soooo super glad you didn’t get lost in all that crazy mirror-dreamy stuff.”
“I feel like part of my brain did,” I replied, still not understanding exactly what had happened.
Both of us quickly woke Luna and helped the groggy alicorn to her feet. My dream had not been wrong – here, in the real world, she had been stripped of her magical power and was the same, smaller filly-ish Luna who had remained after the banishment of Nightmare Moon.
“Thank you both,” she said, her voice strained with exhaustion but happy. “I am eternally in your debt. For a second there I feared Eclipse was unstoppable.”
“So she really was your High Priestess?” I asked as we helped her against a bolster cushion. “I didn’t just dream it?”
Luna nodded. “She was one of my four Hoofmaidens, back long ago before Celestia and I had our falling out,” she explained. “But in time they grew arrogant and hungry for prestige and power, and I with them, and when I became Nightmare Moon they took on the role of my Priestesses, aiding me in the terrorizing of all of Equestria.”
“But what happened to her?” I asked. It was an awful lot of information to process in one go. “Did we really beat her?”
“Well, now that you’re awake, Eclipse is trapped inside of you,” said Luna. “It will be a simple task for my sister to remove her.” She grinned. “Just try to stay awake until we get to Canterlot!”
“Ooh ooh ooh! I’ll go make some coffee!” cried Pinkie. “How do you like, it Connie? Black? White? Pink? Five sugars or si-”
She was interrupted by a sudden, inexplicable rumbling and the sound of rising winds from all around us. The ponies and I turned as one towards the huge mirror that our dream-selves had leaped out of, for the gilded frame was stuttering back and forth as if it was alive, and the mirrored face no longer reflected our own forms, but was emitting a pure white light. And all the while, the screaming of winds grew louder and louder.
“Uh oh,” said Pinkie.
Then the face of the mirror shattered, spraying the room with tiny fragments of silver sparkling with faceted rainbows, and with it came an instantaneous gale of hurricane winds that blew Pinkie, Luna and I against the far wall of the room. The light in the mirror now dominated the room as an orb of resplendent light that shone incandescent, almost too bright too look at, and at its centre was the silhouette of an alicorn, its great wings outspread. And from it emanated laughter, the deep-voiced feminine laughter that I knew came from the one called Esther and Eclipse and Mare Crisium, Priestess of Nightmare Moon.
And then with a flash and a scream of cyclonic, interstellar winds it was gone. Luna, Pinkie and I all struggled onto our hooves and feet and ran across to the window and there, silent and malevolent and glaring like an angry eye, the shining star that was Eclipse rose into the moon’s black sky and, arcing like a great comet, streaked away in the direction of the great, gorgeous blue orb of Equestria.
We had no time to mull over what had just happened as the door to Luna’s room flew open and within a heartbeat the room was full of guards, who surrounded the Princess and hustled Pinkie and I away. But after a few words from the Princess, they parted to allow us to return to her side just as the other Twilight and her friends and the other party guests came galloping in.
We were quickly surrounded and everypony started asking questions all at once. I left Pinkie and Luna to do the explaining, since I was still confused about everything that had happened. But I couldn’t slip away, since Soarin was beside me in a moment, a look of concern on the Wonderbolt’s handsome face.
“Are you OK Connie?” he asked. “We all heard this weird rumbling sound, just like the castle was about to collapse or something!”
“I’m fine, Soarin,” I replied. “But I’ve got to admit that that was the least satisfying sleep I’ve ever had.” I patted him on the head. “But your such a dear to be concerned about me.”
Twilight brought a hoof to her chin. The brainy little pony was quickly assimilating all the information she’d learned from Luna. “Wait, so Mare Crisium is an alicorn? But I thought that only Princesses Celestia were able to attain that level of magical ability!”
Luna nodded. “Eclipse was not an alicorn when last we met,” she said. “She has clearly grown in power during her time in exile.”
“So what in the hay should we do now?” said Applejack. “With an evil alicorn on the loose, who knows what mischief she’ll perpetrate!”
All eyes turned to Luna.
“There’s no time to lose,” she said. She turned to her butler, who was in the middle of fussying about her like a mother hen. “Sterling Silver, summon the bearers of my chariot and bring me my armour. We leave for Canterlot at once. My sister must be warned!”
