A Very Merry Pony Death Parade

by Sir Rising Darkmist

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Princess Luna, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Tragedy
Length: 5024

It's that time of year again. Leaves falling, the weather cooling, foals getting ready for hearts warming eve. What better way to get ready then with deadly Christmas carols from another world.

Twilight and friends are getting excited for the most "heart warming" time of the year. That all ended when the fire nation attacked. (sorry, but i had to make that joke). No, but something much worse happened. Twilight found a book. Gasp! And she decided to read it. Oh no...thinking these are just some strange songs from a different world, she doesn't think much of it. But what happens when yule time carols kill? Can Twilight and friends find a way to save the day before the last line is read? Probably not.

Published 2013-10-29 19:40:09 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-30 21:46:04 UTC

And so it begins

A Night to Remember

"Oh dear sweet Celestia I'm bored!" Twilight wined as she raised her front hooves above her head, seeing if stretching would help ease her suffering. It hadn't. She gazed upon the clock above her picture of the five best ponies she came to knew. Seeing their happy faces warmed her heart. Hearts warming eve was about two weeks away and she couldn't wait to cuddle with her marefriends next to the fire. Beaming from ear to ear, she began to think of all the cuddling she was about to do. The mere scent of Fluttershy's heavenly pink mane caused her to tremble with excitement. Something about bird poop and gofer vomit gave her the chills.

But what about her other friends? Applejack. The work happy, farm pony. AJ did provide her with the special sauce she so desperately needed. Her cider wasn't bad either. It also helped that she had very strong blacklegs from bucking so much. Whenever Twilight was stressed about being a librarian, or a alicorn princess with untold magical powers, she could always go to honest Applejack and ask her to give her a good swift kick to the plot. Somehow the pain in her rump made her feel better.

"Maybe it's time for another beating." She gently rubbed her backside, feeling a dull pain within her rump made her sigh with delight. There was also her friend, Rarity. She had been so generous with her dress making lately. She even made Twi some fashionable leg wear, just in case she wanted to "stay loose" during her visits with her brother.

"Hmm, I haven't seen Shinning in a awhile. Better make plans to go comfort him from his loneliness as soon as this holiday season is over." She remembered that his wife would be out for awhile tending to some royal nonsense with Princess Luna for a few more weeks. Twilight giggled quietly as she continued to recount what made her friends so special to her. Rainbow Dash, now that was a pony who really knew what she was doing when it came to flying, among other things. Though, being with Trixie caused her some uneasy feelings. Was it fear of the unknown? What if Dash liked rolling in the dirt with that sleazy show-pony more than her?

"Note to self: send Trixie to Uranus bound and gagged with a Ursa Major if things get too "messy". She then had a uncontrollable urge to throw up. But decided to hold it in for one special pony: Pinkie Pie. She liked that loco pink pony a lot, she thought Pinks did too. There was, however, a strange new fetish she had acquired ever-sense that one time with that one thing that happened on the train.

The Princess of the library couldn't quite recall what happened, just that she remembers Pinkie pie eating a whole cake in one bite. Then the strange thing happened: she puked in the royal bathroom sink. But that was not the weird thing, that came when Pinkie Pie started to worry about the mess she made to the marble wash basin. Using what she called her "Pinkie brain", she began to eat the slop, just like a little piggy. Ever sense, she craved what only the burning of the throat provided. Just thinking about it made her ill, but Twilight knew deep down, Pinkie was the pony for her. Shaking off that last memory, she quickly checked the clock again. Two minutes pass six. Feeling a hint of psycho creep in, she CALMLY called her trusty assistant to fill her in on her friends lateness.

"Spike! When were my "friends" supposed to get here?" Clearly she was annoyed, making a grinding sound as the word "friends" escaped her muzzle.

"Geez Twilight, calm down," As the small purple dragon entered the front room, he thought he could see fire in the lavender librarian's eyes.

"Calm down. CALM DOWN?!? I'm the very element of calm!" Moving her head in a familiar manner, she let out a low grunt. Spike could of sworn he heard something else come from her flank. Best just to ignore it like most of the things the purple, unstable alicorn did. But it wasn't her fault, Spike knew she was on her period and was a little drunk off of too much apple cider eggnog.

"For pony's sake Twilight, the party doesn't start until seven thirty."

Twilight's appearance suddenly changed. Instead of fire in her eyes, there was water. No longer in a aggressive stance from a minute ago, the gifted magical talking horse slumped to the ground. Slump. She then curled up in ball and silently cried.

"Oh my Celestia, this happens every bucking year. At least this time the tree house is still standing." Spike thought as he rubbed the space between his eyes. Seeing the pathetic heap of a all powerful being, he said the one thing no-pony should ever tell Alicorn Princess Twilight Sparkle.

"You know, you could always read a book."

Twilight's head perked up like when a dog hears it's master say that they would finally feed him/her.

"OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSH, Spike, if you were a mare, I could just kiss you!!" She dashed towards a very frightened baby dragon, and gave him a hug that could rival the strength of Pinkie Pie and AJ combined. "OOOh, threesome! That will differently provide some good lessons on the magic of friendship." she thought, continuing to squeeze the life out her adopted brother.

"...Twilight...oxygen, brain...loosing feeling in neck..."

"Oops, sorry about that Spike." she giggled, then thought for amount before kissing him briefly on the lips and running out into the open air that Ponyville gave. From lose of oxygen, brain cells, and sheer shock, Spike killed over, gripping his chest with a smile on his face.

* * *

As she flew towards the castle of Canterlot, Twilight couldn't help but feel absolute bliss in what she was about to do.

"A good book, that is just what I need to ease my boredom." she thought with a grin. Another thought came to mind: the reason she was going to Canterlot in the first place. While living in the tree-book-store thing she called a house, she remembered that she had read all of the books she had about ten times. Was she boring? Maybe. Anti-social? No, she had her filly toys to play with each time they came to visit. It was just this certain problem needed a certain solution: The Canterlot archives. She just hoped that she wouldn't get a F.U.I (flying under the influence...the influence of awesomeness!!!).

Making her way to the familiar setting to that one time where she did that one thing in order to do another thing with herself creating something. Was it a paradox? Nah, that only happens in Doctor Whooves books. Most likely it was something naughty. Yep, that had to be it.

"Hello sirs, I request to enter the domain of learning so that I may release my body of unwanted feelings of a personal nature." Saying that with such conviction almost startled those two poor fools. If they just told her to go away, hell won't be unleashed on Equestria, though maybe that would of happened if they didn't let her pass since she was: Alicorn Princess Twilight Sparkle, the adopted daughter/lover (they got that title mixed up a lot) of Princess sexy hot butt Celestia.

"Y-yes your highness, please enter." the shorter one replied, hoping not to urinate himself. He did. With a little chuckle, wink and head nod all at the same time, Twilight entered her home away from home.

"Is she high again or something?" The younger one asked. The other only replied with a subtle: eeyup.

"Finally, my wait is over!" Twilight squeaked loudly as she began to looking through all of these treasures, releasing her vomit she had kept in for so long.

"Buck, oh well." and with that the search began once more, and the beginning of a nightmare for all.

Author's Note

Im such a bad pony! more to come, i think...maybe, who knows. just thought i'd get this out here and see what others think.

Twilight reads "Jingle Bells"

Day one: Night of red snow

"Ooh, this looks like a good one." Twilight almost had to stop herself from putting a hole in the ceiling of the "Starswirl the Bearded wing". Then overloaded from adrenaline rush from finding a dusty old book that she hadn't come across, Twi jumped through the building, making a nice hole in the process.

"I have got to show this to the girls!" With that obvious statement out of the way, she needed to get back to her home, and fast. Nothing is worse than being absent from a party that you are holding, Pinks told her that multiple times. She was still recovering from the eggnog, so flying straight and fast was out. Which left her with the only option: winking out.

"I'm not sure if i can use that spell under this condition, BUT I'm not going to be late for cuddling!" Focusing all her strength she could muster, a blinding ball of light appeared and she was gone. Twilight had been right about her difficulty using magic at this time, because she ended up in Celestia's master bedroom, other places included.

"Twilight Sparkle, my most "favorite" student, have you come to share some more lessons on the magic of friendship with me?" The ruler of the sun had a seductive look to her. As cute as it was, Ms. Sparkle had to return to the party, fearing the worst from what her friends might do. Mostly Pinkie Pie though, she scared her the most.

"Ooops, sorry Tia, I must of missed my mark I guess. I'm just a tiny bit drunk at the moment." Suddenly, Tia had changed her demeanor from one of lust, to one of seriousness.

"Twilight, I'm very disappointed at you. You come to my room without my approval, intoxicated no less. But, I can forgive that. What I shall not forgive is you not sharing your booze with me. That is very naughty, my dear student." Her face turned back to her sexy stare, but there was a hint of sadness to it.

"Hey, you know full well that a princess can't just go wild all the time, this is my only night to cut loose. Wait, come with me."

"W-wha...why?"

"I'm having a hearts warming eve party at my place, and I would love it if you would be my date tonight."

"Um, Twilight, hearts warming eve isn't for two more months."

"DON'T YOU DARE RAIN ON MY MERRY PARADE!" the sudden outburst made for a bit of a awkward silence. Realizing that she blew up Celestia's bed, the young purple alicorn scrunched down to the floor in embarrassment. Tia gave a small laugh.

"Well Twilly, that is twice you amazed me in my sleeping chamber." offering her hoof, she pulled the sad looking mare off her floor.

"I'm so sorry Celestia, I didn't know what came over me."

"It's alright. You are still very young, but with time you will be able to control your actions. Now, I don't see why you couldn't have this party this early, so I would be honored to be your date. But I must ask you, what about your marefriend, Pinkie Pie?"

"She holds the key to my heart. No really, I made her a key and told her as long as she holds on to it, my heart belongs her. It's strange, but ever since I became a princess, I've seen her in a whole new light. The way she moves, acts, everything. She reminds me of myself, young, bold, not afraid to do her own thing even though she might offend some pony. No pony can take her spot, but you have been my teacher for as long as I can remember. I feel a special connection between you and I, that is why I want you to come with me. Not only to share time with you, but get you out of this old castle. Pinkie Pie will understand perfectly."

"You are a good friend and a very talented student, if you know what I mean. I am proud of you for finally finding a special somepony. If it helps, you have my blessing."

"Thank you mother...well enough of the sappiness of this conversation. We better go, or we'll be late."

"Take my hoof, my sexy daughter, I'll be the designated driver." Without any hesitation, the student and love interest to the ruler of all of Equestria happily gripped her teacher's hoof, and then they were off in a flash of blazing glory.

* * *

"Yes yes yes yes yes, we made it just in time!" gazed upon the clock, the hands read 7:29.

"Um, Twilight, why is Spike dead on the floor?" a very worried princess of the sun motioned with her horn in the direction of the fallen dragon."

"Oh, don't worry, each time one of these things goes into shock, it immediately dies. This is the tenth time this week. Hmm... maybe I should look into that."

"Twilight?"

"Don't worry, that was just clone number 626, number 627 is already awake I assume. Yep, right on time." as out of nowhere, number 627 appeared at the base of the steps. By the look of it, he just had barely woken up. Seeing himself dead on the floor, the little dragon started to shake uncontrollably.

"...TWILIGHT!!! Who's that dead guy and why does he look like me?!"

"The Princess caught this changeling snooping around and turned him into a solid gem stone." With a look of confusion, the whitest princess ever to rule a kingdom nodded. Looking back at the lifeless creature, he indeed was a gem.

"Oh, COOL! Can I eat him then?" the purple scaled clone sat there, with big puppy dog eyes.

"Why of course Spike, just make sure to eat him upstairs, we have guests coming. Seeing yourself eating yourself would tend to freak somepony out."

"Way ahead of you Twilight!" the short creature out of a fairytale waddled over to his snack, eager than ever to take his prize and slowly chew him up. But something didn't feel right about Twilight's explanation, so for good measure...

"Um, Twilight. Why was a changeling here in the first place?"

"Spike, do really have to explain THIS plot line to you?" She could feel her blood boiling again. She didn't have time to tell him every last detail of why, when or how things were the way they are every time he died. That was the problem with clones, they just are not linked to each other or the original. But she did have a thought that could explain this confusion.

Sometimes "chaos" is the only logical thing that can keep a story like life intact and progressing. Twilight remembered all those books that waste time explaining every last bucking detail and when finally something exciting happened, it would be glossed over within a paragraph. But, they did have those chaotic parts to it, were everything and anything could happen. That is why she liked books so much. No matter how crazy her life got, there was always something crazier in the literature she indulged in. It seemed to explain so much and yet so little at the same time.

Within this train of thought, she forgot that Spike was still waiting for a answer. Celestia was sweating bullets as she started to slunk to the ice box to see if she could find something to drink. Lord knew that it was needed for a night like this. The rest of her friends, donned with festive wear, just stood in her doorway, holding back giggles as they saw the seen before them. Pinkie, on the other hoof, started to poke the corpse with a stick she found laying on the ground outside in Twilight's non-existing lawn.

She was very happy with meaningless plot devices, Ms Pinkameana Diane Pie, because they were her favorite way to deal with the boredom in Ponyville. She stopped poking the stale lizard, dragon thing and looked up, puzzled. Was she mad at something? No, she was the very embodiment of happy. Well, except that one time at gummie's after party that wasn't actually his after party, more like pre-after middle shindig because she had a little bit of what the ponies in white coats she visits occasionally called a hyper depressive, schizophrenic moment of split personally.

Little did the nice ponies with the big needles know, right after Spike told her the horrible truth that her friends were tired of her antics, she sniffed a good amount of cocaine she found in Mrs. Cake's closet. So, that whole second half of the episode she had didn't really happen. There was also a twelve pack of beer, a shotgun, a set of shrunken pony heads that Zecora must of given her at nightmare night, and a "how to be a hick for dummies" book. Pinkie with her Pinkie mind must of forgot that she already was going out with Twilight and that AJ was a one night stand. But it was nice of Mrs. Cake to have that stuff ready, just in case things got out of hoof with Twilight. Although, she did see Mrs. Cake eying Big Mac like he was MMM for the longest time, which made her challenge her previous statement to a staring contest. How was this possible? When she was splashed with Discord's chaotic magic on his return, there was bound to be some lingering side effects.

It was so hard to remember where this thought process was going that she just sat on the floor, mouth open and drooling everywhere. Rainbow, wanting to get things going again, dashed past the malfunctioning pink mare and over to the dazed element of magic. Thinking like a boss, the amazing rainbow Pegasus of awesomeness picked up the still shaking dragon standing next to them and promptly squib kicked him back upstairs, right into his basket, out like a light. Feeling satisfied that she still was in fit conduction to tryout for the Fillyadelphia Eagles (not sure if this is a new career choice or maybe she wanted to show Spitfire she still had the moves after she dropped out of the Wonderbolt academy after breaking both wings while trying to do a sonic rainbow, while spinning like a drill. Let's just say that there was tears shed and a certain stallion with brown fur doing mop up duty, protecting the training camp from giant weird metal dildos and repairing a tear in the fabric of space and time. As for why she did such a dangerous stunt, Soarin bet her a pie and a happy ending if she could do it. Now she knows not to mix sweat, lust and pie.) turned to the mare with wide, beautiful, shocked eyes and swiftly bitch slapped her in the face.

"OUCH! What the hay Rainbow! What the buck was that for."

"For being so damn adorable...oh, and we are supposed to be having a party." the sound of that phrase both brought Pinkie back from her self induced coma and reminded Twilight of a very special book.

"Wow, thanks Rainbow, I completely forgot. I am so brainless sometimes. It's a good thing that I have friends such as you to keep me grounded, I don't know if I could rule without you gals. Now, on to the business at hoof." she then produced the book she crammed between her butt cheeks. Instead of being grossed out, each pony had the look of dread.

"Twilight, darling. I know that you live in a house full of books and Celestia is going to make you Equestria's new "Princess of reading and scientific development", but could we have one day without having to read some boring, overused story that somepony must of thought of within the time it takes to, umm, use the bathroom?" Rarity, with her long, majestic purple mane, had been true with her words. They had been listening to really old, really unoriginal tales of death, love and something about strange creatures called "humans" entering their world and causing havoc everywhere they went. Now, she did not despise these reads, in fact some of them were actually rather riveting. It was when she was bombarded with these tells over and over again that it truly wore her out. Still, it was better than listening to Twilight on how wonderful it was that she was SO MUCH BETTER than everypony else and ruining their lives and careers.

"But this time is different, I actually found evidence of human life!"

"Uh, pardon me sugarcube, but ya startn' to act like that Lyra filly." Right after AJ's words left her lips, Twilight ripped her head off, reviling that she was indeed Lyra Heartstrings."

"Hey, what's up everypony?" It was like they all were high or in the twilight zone because in the moment, the rest of the mane six truly didn't know what would happen, and their stoned/confused faces proved it.

"Sorry everyone for the little scare, I had to take some aspirin, my head was killing me. I see you met Lyra." The real Twilight Sparkle, now fully recovered from the previous experience, walked down the steps to stand to one of her new friends with a smirk on her face. Celestia soon emerged with a look that said "what hell have I gotten myself into?"

"Wait, so let me get this straight, I tried to seduce somepony who I thought was my daughter but turns out that she was just a pony who was a part of some twisted convoluted trick? Well, sounds like just another night for this lonely soul. But how did you do It?"

"Didn't you learn anything from Shinning's wedding? The art of deception? It was simple, after butchering my first attempt to bring myself home, I wound up at Lyra's place. We got talking and I explained to her that I found this book that might be from humans and she was hooked. I then decided to play a joke on you all by making a Twilight suit for Lyra to wear. I got that idea from my sweetheart Pinkie Pie, Thank you by the way." Just one wink gave Pinkie mixed feelings of joy, embarrassment and indigestion. She had a feeling that burrito was a bad idea. She gave a nervous giggle/snort, giving Twi her cue to continue.

"...Anyways, I told her all the information she needed to know and I guess she fulfilled her orders like a pro. I had time to get to my bathroom, puke, use a shower spell and take some meds. It's weird, I thought I would be somehow immune to alcohol."

"Somethings you just can't figure out. I'm sorry about earlier Ms. Heartstrings."

"No, no, not at all your highness. I thought it was actually kinda fun." Now fully Lyrafied, the mint unicorn turned to a still shocked and red faced cryan pony.

"I'm flattered that you think I'm adorable, but sadly this one is taken. Oh, and if you ever hit me like that again, I won't hesitate to rip your wings off and use my magic to turn you into something more, tasteful." Looking back at her bandaged wings, Dash simply nodded with a look of "please don't hurt me" or "dump bonbon and take me out for a spin". Either way, Lyra seemed to get Dashie's response and smiled. There was one thing still bothering Rarity though.

"Uhm, Lyra. Why did you stick that book up your...plot?"

"Twilight said that it would give her plan a added boost it needed and that it feels good. Turns out she was right on both accounts."

"Alright, with another useless side story out of the way, I can now show you all what I found earlier. Lyra, that means it's your turn to speak now."

"Yes, of course my queen." Lyra looked like a mindless zombie-pony, why she did it was anypony's guess.

"Care to explain this one, Twilight?" Celestia is not amused.

"...um, aah...GAH, I guess now this is a good time as ever to use it...SIM SALVALINE URMAKTA TATUS VEE!" and then everything went black. No pointless side comments, no Lyra, nothing. All was calm, all was right. THEN everything came back, except for Lyra, Celestia and the Spike clone that nopony remembered or cared about.

"Uh, what just happened?" RD could of sworn she was threatened by somepony, she only wished who so that she could kiss whoever it came to be.

"Oh, nothing. I just got rid of some unnecessary details so I can finally read this stupid thing. Power of Sombra be praised."

"Praise Him!" everypony in the room said with righteous flare.

"OK, now before I read this thing, does ANYPONY have anything to say? Maybe some more crazy nonsense that has nothing to do with anything? No? Good, now sit down, shut up, and listen to me talk."

"Wait I have a question for the narrator." Pinkie Pie, I love you but please don't.

"Hey Mr. if I'm going to be in this story, we are going to need a discussion on how things are done here in Equestria. I think it was super-duper mean to have Twilight do all those things in the last chapter. It didn't make much sense and another thing..."

Sadly for Pinkie pie, her mouth got removed. Your welcome Twilight Sparkle.

"What are you?"

A friend, now finish this chapter. Not wanting to delay any further or in-rage the unknown voice, she began to read:

Top Christmas songs to get into the season:

"Um, sorry but what is Christmas?" Fluttershy, you're so cute. Christmas is like that mushy holiday we have called heart's warming eve. I for one don't think it's that Great, but I guess I could see others enjoying it. And I'm not sure if that song can be in this roster.

"...Oh... thank you?" Not at my dear, dear Fluttershy. Twilight, I would like to move on with my life making you all my puppets, so...

"Right, sorry."

Jingle Bells:

Dashing through the snow...

"Hey, hold up, is this a song about me?" RD you are really thick headed some times...hmm, yes, on second thought, this is about you.

"Ah ya! I knew my awesomeness was bond to be immortalized in a song. Go ahead Twilight!" Yes, Twilight, please do.

In a one-horse open sleigh

O'er the fields we go

Laughing all the way

Bells on bobtails ring

Making spirits bright

What fun it is to ride and sing a sleighing song tonight:

Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.

Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh...

STOP!

"WHAT'S WRONG?" Twilight almost wet herself at that moment...

"No I didn't!?!"

WHO IS THE GREAT AND POWERFUL GOD OF THIS STORY?

"You are?"

That's right. Now, I think I dragged this story out long enough, so now it's time for one of you pony's to die.

"Wait, what about my party?" That has nothing to do with my master plan to finally get take you ponies down.

"PLEASE?" Fine, in the next paragraph there is a scene change, but you all shall remember the night you had here, with all the booze, drugs sex and other stuff. Satisfied? Good, goodbye Element of Loyalty.

***

Rainbow Dash thought to herself, if she were to die due some twisted holiday song by some twisted unsee force that seemed to govern her world, then it would be alright. She had fun preening wings with Fluttershy and Twilight. Although, it was hard to cuddle with AJ when Pinkie and Twilight started making out by the fire. But right here, right now she was settled with taking her sister Scootaloo on a sleigh ride through the Everfree Forest. Through the soft downfall of snow, she thought she could here singing.

Dashing through the snow,

In a one horse open sleigh

... laughing all the way

Rainbow then started to giggle as she picked up speed.

"Hey Rainbow, whats so funny?" the small filly didn't know to laugh with her or to be scared.

"I have no idea!" she hummed the strange melody in her head, still giggling to herself. Right up until...

"What fun it is to ride and sing a slaying song tonight!" she didn't realize that through her humming, a pack of Timberwolves had been following them. Too weak for some reason, Rainbow just stood there, helpless at the end.

"RAINBOW WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RUN!" but, unfortunately for Scoots, her Sister and hero fell to her demise. With each sound of flesh being slowly removed and screams of pain from the victim, all the orange filly could do was watch sprays of crimson and hear the most awful sound she could think of: Rainbow crying. Satisfied that their target was dead, the creatures of the night sped off to a unknown location, leaving the two alone. Alone in the freezing snow and the blood of one of the greatest flyers of Equestria.

***

"Well, what do you think?"

"Hmm, storyline seemed off and all over the place."

"I thought you liked that sort of stuff."

"Well, yes but even chaos has it's limits."

"HEY, I got the job done alright?"

"I guess so, but next time make it work a bit better. I want to be able to read this while sitting on Celestia's throne, taking a nice dump on it."

"Yes, master."

"Good, now make preperations for the next pony and this time, stick to the point."

"Of course."

"Oh and Trixie...make sure it's nice and gory."

"With pleasure..."

Author's Note

Yep, I'll make sure to help these two with all their bloody escapades, so if anypony knows a song that could work, please let me know."