Facehoof! Season Premier!

by Flint Sparks

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Random, Alternate Universe, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Shining Armor
Length: 1603

Princess Twilight Sparkle wakes up to an urgent letter from Celestia about a new, vague threat! Her brother randomly shows up to save the day!

Princess Twilight Sparkle wakes up to an urgent letter from Celestia about a new, vague threat! The Elements of Harmony arrive and are unable to do anything! Her brother randomly shows up to save the day!

A collaboration with (seriously, this is becoming a habit) electreXcessive. The idea was originally his, and we took it away!

Warning: Contains satire and a ShineLight FiW joke. Read at your own risk. Seriously, don't take this seriously.

Published 2013-10-30 16:00:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-30 16:00:03 UTC

Don't take this seriously.

Twilight yawned as she woke up in bed. She stretched and groaned for several minutes, toeing the line between innocent stretching and blatant fanservice. Unfortunately, she noticed that Spike wasn’t around to notice. Oh well. Better luck next time. She smacked her lips and looked outside. “Wow, it sure is beautiful outside. Then again, thanks to our ability to affect the weather every morning is exactly the same! Oh well, it’s still beautiful and totally original!”

Twilight looked out the window at the sun that should have been in the same position as it had risen since it required conscious thought to move, but was somehow higher in the sky. “What a great day! I’m now going to say that absolutely nothing can go wrong with emphasis in order to provide blatant foreshadowing!”

Spike ran up the stairs, panting at the top step for a moment. He stood up and brushed himself off. “Twilight! Twilight! An urgent letter from the princess!” He held up a scroll with a royal seal.

“Oh Spike!” Twilight chuckled. “I AM a princess. How could I send a letter to myself?”

Spike facepalmed. “A letter from Princess Celestia!”

“Oh, that one! Sometimes I forget there are other characters of some importance! Now Spike, allow me to snatch that letter and read it out loud for no reason.” Twilight snatched the letter with her magic and began to read it.

“Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle,

A villain from my past that I’ve had no reason to mention before despite it being relevant to your position as princess and an Element of Harmony has returned to do evil and vile things! The pony is evil and vile, and does wicked things to ponies like pranking, laughing at others, and generally being a bully! You must find him, attempt to befriend him, and ultimately shoot him with rainbows the Elements of Harmony!

Love,

Princess Celestia (Tia<3)

PS: You’re out of bananas. I cleaned the fridge, again.

Twilight sniffed the letter and blushed. “Wow, my obsession with the princess is evident, as I gladly accept this mission without questioning the princess’ authority! Come, Spike! We must gather the girls beca-”

“Not so fast!” an incredibly masculine voice called from downstairs as somepony bucked her door open. Twilight froze as hoofsteps ran up her stairs. Approaching from the staircase was none other than…

“Shining Armor!” Twilight called, interrupting Spike before he could say anything. “My brother who only shows up at random intervals!” She pulled the covers up to her chin.

“What are you doing?” Shining asked, stepping forward. Twilight shook her head.

“I’m covering myself up and looking embarrassed to create tension in the atmosphere! Also to incite the shippers! Now what in Equestria are you doing in my bedroom?”

Before Shining could answer, the window broke as somepony crashed through it. A pegasus with a lightning blue mane fell onto the ground, shook his head, and stood up. “Did somepony say shipping?”

Twilight gasped. “Amazing! A stallion I never met before, designed to be my shallow love interest, has suddenly appeared out of the blue. I think I’ll fall in love with him!”

Flash grinned at her. “I’m going to fake innocence in order to get you even more interested. I shall also perform a non-specific and unimportant activity in order to establish the slightest bit of character to appease fans.” He then turned away and whistled a sad tune nonchalantly. The sad part is important. Because it’s sad.

“Oh, it’s working,” Twilight giggled. “I find myself completely infatuated with you because you have an attractive color scheme.”

Shining puffed out his chest and walked over to Flash Sentry, towering over him. “I’m going to use my big brother status and bigger stature to intimidate you like a big brother would, and also to incite the shippers.”

Flash Sentry quivered. “I’m going to be afraid to get Twilight to sympathize, and ultimately choose me over her big brother. This situation will also add drama to the plot and give all three of us minimal character development in order to prevent readers from getting bored.”

Shining scoffed. “As if. It’s practically canon that Twilight has a big brother complex. She would-”

“What?” Flash Sentry spat and backed away. “That’s completely gross! You’re brother and sister!”

“Not by blood!” Twilight added. She waved her hoof in a condescending fashion. “It’s. Not. Creepy.”

Flash nodded. “Oh, well okay then. Nothing wrong with- ACK!” His love and tolerance was interrupted as a black bolt went through the window and zapped him. He fell down and Shining caught him just above the ground.

“Flash Sentry! Talk to me!” Shining cried, liquid pride running down his cheek. “As your superior, I must cry tears to inspire an emotional atmosphere and add characterization to my status as captain of the guard.”

“I-I’m sorry, Captain…” Flash Sentry choked. “But I must die to invoke drama and further the plot. I… urk… will also give you a reason to… ack… discover your hidden major character powers… I must say this with lots of… bleck… dramatic emphasis and coughing sounds because I am dying...” With those famous last words, Flash Sentry died in the hooves of his beloved captain.

“NOOOOO!! I’M YELLING DRAMATICALLY!!” Shining yelled, cradling the dead body. After a brief moment, he shrugged and tossed it aside. Meanwhile, another pony flew to the window.

“Mwahaha!” an evil voice cackled. Twilight and Shining Armor whipped their gaze to the red and black alicorn standing on the window sill. He also had five mares clinging to him and cooing soft words of love and lust. “First I kill the guard, and then I foalnap the princess!”

“Like tartarus you-” Shining was interrupted by overpowered magic force. He sat against the wall, dazed, as the red and black alicorn swooped in and picked up a screaming Twilight. She beat her hooves against his back as he threw her over his shoulder and flew off.

“Shining! I’m a princess, therefore I can’t defend myself when being foalnapped even though I probably have enough magical power now to match Celestia!” Twilight screamed as she was taken out the window. Shining, her words reaching him, shook his head and ran to the window.

“Don’t worry, Twilight!” he yelled. “I’ll save you!”

The alicorn cackled and turned around in midair. He shoved all of the mares into his magical harem hammerspace and cackled evilly like villains do. “And what makes you say that, character whose purpose is to provide the sole strong (magical) male role model in a setting full of extremely powerful girls?”

“Because I love Twilight!”

“...” The red and black alicorn hovered in place, blinking. “What?”

Shining grimaced. “I said I love her. What else is there to know?”

The alicorn shook his head. “Um, aren’t you two brother and sister? That’s kind of gross.”

Twilight piped up, “But not by blood!”

“Yeah!” Shining shouted. “It’s not creepy!”

The alicorn shook his head as their conversation was interrupted by the approach of five ponies. The other Elements of Harmony stood before the alicorn, each wearing their necklace. Shining Armor, while the alicorn was distracted, somersaulted out of the window and landed on the ground without a single scratch.

Shining took his place in front of the five mares. “Quick, use the Elements of Harmony!”

Rainbow Dash shook her head and stepped forward. “Um, we need Twilight. Replacing an Element doesn’t work. Trust me, Spike tried. I’m only supplying this information to tie into a canon plot point and thus secure plausibility. Also, it’s twenty percent cooler and I’m awesome. Scootaloo is a chicken.”

Shining stared for a moment at the inane pegasus. “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that…” Shining turned around and faced the evil alicorn. “It’s a good thing that I’m secretly the seventh Element and only male!” Shining began to glow as he spoke. “I am the Element of Lov- I mean, Hope! Yeah! Or was it Bravery? I can’t remember anymore since there are so many of them nowadays!” A full body suit of armor covered his body and the six ponies began to float in the air. Shining also gained a magical sword and bow capable of destroying mountains, because he totally needed them.

“Oh no! The Elements are reacting!” the alicorn screeched. The six ponies’ glowing lights merged and shot a giant rainbow beam at the red and black alicorn. “No! The magic is slow enough to dodge but I’m going to waste my opportunity to defend myself by screaming about my defeat! NOOOOO!!”

A bright flash later and the alicorn was gone. Twilight fell down toward the ground, but Shining caught her.

“Twilight, you’re safe!” Shining said, looking down at her. The alicorn princess lowered the lids of her eyes and gave her ‘brother’ a impish smile.

“Yes, Shining Armor! I am, thanks to you!” She hugged him and began to nuzzle his cheek. “My hero!”

Shining gave her a sultry grin. “Want to excite the shippers and have a victory make-out?”

“YES!” Twilight screamed as she grabbed Shining Armor’s cheeks in both hooves and drew him close, tilting her head and puckering her lips. The two met and-

Twilight jolted into a sitting position, cold and sweating from her nightmare. She breathed heavily and looked around for a light. Using her magic, she lit a candle and observed her surroundings.

She was home, in bed, with nothing but a book on her lap. Twilight sighed and laid down, pulling the sheets up to her chin. What a weird dream...