Ponies tour the Region!

by The Boss

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Dark, Human
Length: 1589

Ponies tour the wonderful Region of HAS.

Equestria has emerged in a strange new place. The region of HAS. Needless to say, the ponies are very excited, even if first contact didn't go as well as they liked. While some opened up their borders immediately, many were reclusive and reluctant to allow the ponies entrance to their nations. Now, after some time, they see fit to let some ponies in. This is the story of the bureaucracy that is human customs and border control as recounted by the ponies that survived through it.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-15 08:37:15 UTC

Stjerne is STRONK!

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FUCKING MINES!

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Pony ala Grustan with a side of Butter Sauce

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Border guards are overzealous assholes.

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'CAUTION: WATCH FOR FALLING BLOCKS'

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Such is life in glorious Arstotzka!

Chapter 1

Desert was looking under the hood of the Black Ford Expedition, his Marine Cover had it’s bill flipped up. His green eyes scrutinizing every inch of the engine. He wore an Olive Drab BDU shirt unbuttoned to reveal a grey T-shirt beneath, his Jeans were covered in grease as were his black work boots. His knuckles were cut from fiddling with the engine and his cigar was on its last legs. He currently had his arm shoved deep into the engine carriage searching for a pen he had dropped.

“Come on DAMN IT!” He shouted as he lost grip of the pen for the umpteenth time in the past five minutes. Finally after much swearing his greasy, bloodied hands captured the elusive ball point menace. “FUCKIN A!” He wiped his hands on his already dirty pants before walking over to the stream and sticking his hands in its refreshing waters. He scrubbed them clean and his knuckles stopped bleeding. How did regular stream water accomplish the feat of removing grease from his hands? Well it was the stream outside of Ponyville which had ‘Magic’ properties. Still it seemed it couldn’t get his friend to show up on time.

“Yo!” A man said as he was walking over to Desert. He was wearing a simple white T shirt with a unzipped black hoodie covering it and a set of denim blue pants. His solid black eyes had a almost always appearance of apathy as he looked around. The chin curtain styled beard on his chin showed his lack of shaving recently as he stopped and leaned against the vehicle. “What’d you call me out here for?”

Desert pulled a piece of crumpled paper from his pocket and tossed it in the direction of his friend. Smexy just let the piece of paper hit his chest and fall to the ground before bending down and picking it up. He unraveled the piece of paper before raising an eyebrow.

“Playcolt Monthly?” Smexy said to himself as he looked over the image in his hand. “Wow... That’s a... That’s quite the rack.” Desert sighed and got up from the stream before walking over to slayer and pointing to the small amount of text on the page. It read..

Preparing for Estress! The yearly schedule!.... Also buy milk. Desert then pointed at the small table of towns and dates. Ponyville: August 1st - August 23

“.... Best places to buy milk?” Smexy asked as he looked at Desert, blinking in obliviousness. Desert smacked him on the back head. “.... Worst places to buy milk?” Another smack. “Oh!... It’s getting laid season!” He got smacked once more, only harder. “Oooow... Bitch. Why you do dis?”

“That one was because I find it funny when you’re in pain.” Desert replied, he started walking over to the truck. “And it is not ‘getting laid season’. If we are anywhere inside this town within the next two hours-”

“We get laid!” Smexy said with a smile. *SMACK* “You know... If you hadn’t done this so much, it might still hurt, but now it’s just like getting hit with a pillow...” Desert sighed.

“We’re getting out of dodge, you know what happens if you sire a foal right!” He said pointing to the town. Dozens of stallions and colts were leaving as fast as possible.

“Dude... I have a human penis... That can’t happen. Simple genetics.” Smexy said making several random and rather suggestive motions. Desert again sighed.

“I talked to our ‘glorious’ Princess Sparkle about it, she says that there’s a ninety-seven-point-four percent chance that it’ll happen!”

“Oh....” Smexy said looking off. “Wait, it can’t happen unless it’s in etress season, phew...” Smexy just gave a small chuckle before looking at Desert, who was looking at him with an unamused expression. “What?”

“It is estress season, Dumbass.” Desert deadpanned.

“No, I was thinking before...” Smexy said as he walked to the back of the car and grabbed a can of soda from the box that was stored in there. “So I ask again... Whhhyyyyy did you call me out here?”

“Two words, trip around Equestria.” said Desert happily.

“That’s three words.” Smexy said as he pulled the tab of his drink.

“Fuck You.” Desert reprimanded him.

“Sorry, not my type.” Smexy said as he sipped at the drink. “Alright, soooo pretty much... Road trip?” Desert nodded. “By the way, that’s two words.”

“No, that’s one word.” Desert said with a smile “‘That is’ is two words”

“No pointless arguments while your virginity is at stake.” Smexy said looking at him.

“Oh, you’re one to talk.” Desert laughed, he hopped into the drivers seat.

“Hey, I have frosted enough mares to have a baker’s dozen bitch!” Smexy laughed loudly. He walked around and opened up the passenger’s seat. He took a gulp of his drink before looking to Desert. “So, mistah Drivah man, you have a map of where we are going?”

“The city of Fallen Alicorns.” Desert got a smile on his face, he pulled out a map and pointed at the first city. “Las Pegasus.”

“WOOHOO!” Smexy said pumping his hands in the air and tossing his empty can of soda out the window. He pulled out his phone and plugged a cable into it before plugging it into the stereo. “Let’s move!” Desert turned the keys and the engine roared to life, he patted the dashboard.

“Lets get out of here before-”

“I SMELL THEM!” A demonic female voice cried out.

“Shit.” Desert muttered.

Youtube Video

“I got this!” Smexy said as he rolled down the window and pulled his body out so he was sitting on the door. “OI! OVAH ‘ERE!”

“What the fuck are you doing!?” Desert slammed the car into gear and tore off down the dusty road.

“Getting you to drive faster!” Smexy said with a smirk as he turned back to the ponies. “Seriously! Get over here! I got a new guy you can break in!”

“I’m gonna kill you! Then bring you back to life and kill you again!” Desert shouted as he sped away from the group of Unicorn and Earth Pony females.

“Bueno, bueno! Mucho me gusta, chicas!” Smexy shouted with a laugh before looking up. “Damn, those are some colorful birds...”

“Oh shit! SHIT SHIT SHIT!” Desert shouted, as he began to roll up his window. “PEGASI!”

“You know this is the time in my life where I-” Smexy began as some random soft, elegant music began to play as if he was giving a inner monologue.

“GET BACK INSIDE YOU FUCKING IDIOT!” Desert shouted, he looked out the window just as a wall eyed pegasus slammed into hood of the SUV.

“Jeebus! Fine... Ruin all my fun...” Smexy muttered as he pulled himself in and began to roll up his window as a pony slammed against it. “Sorry, not interested, I got a girl back home, it won’t work, astalavista baby, it’s not you it’s me...” He said as he waved a hand at the pony without looking at her. Desert looked in the rear view mirror, his face fell like a bomb.

“Uhm...Smexy?” Desert asked as he turned his attention back to the road.

“Lemme guess. Is it arrogant?” Smexy asked.

“Eeyup.”

“Does it remind you of Skittles?” Smexy asked as his face started to become stoic.

“Yeah.”

“Is it in heat?” Smexy asked as he sniffed indifferently

“Most Likely” Desert replied as he put the truck into overdrive, the rainbow maned pegasus in the mirror was only getting closer.

“Bring it on...” Smexy said with a stoic expression. And so the chase continued.

~+==+~

Two hours later.

Desert let out a sigh of relief as the rainbow maned pegasus disappeared in the rear view mirror. He looked at Smexy with a raised eyebrow. “How are you so cool with this?”

Smexy just looked at Desert with a smile and shook his head. “Well let me put it this way. One moment I am helping out Colgate then I knocked this bottle over.... Well let’s just say all I remember is running through town in my boxers with Colgate on my shoulder screaming ‘Whoop’ repeatedly.”

~+==+~

(DRAMATIC FLASHBACK)

“WHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOP!!!!!!!” Smexy bellowed out as Colgate was shouting ‘WEEEEEEE!’ as Smexy ran down the streets in his underwear, wearing a Colgate whom was also wearing her undies.

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?” Desert shouted from the window of his house. He was soon assaulted by a pair of panties and bra before the two continued to run off. “I’M GONNA RIP YOUR THROAT OUT! YOU HEAR ME! I’LL! RIP! YOUR! THROAT! OUT!”

“WHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOP!” Was all that was heard in response.

~+==+~

“I didn’t know that laughing gas could do that to you...” Smexy mused with smile.

“It doesn’t moron.” Desert deadpanned.

“Well tell that to Colgate!” Smexy said as he pointed to the window where the toothbrush unicorn was clinging to the side. “... Oh hai!”

“SHIT!” Desert shouted and swerved a bit trying to shake the mare off of the car.

“I got this...” Smexy sighed out as he grabbed a broom and rolled down the window before smacking Colgate off. “Shoo! Shoo! Get away!” Soon he just smacked her in the face with the bristles and let her roll off into the grass. “Got her!”

“Think she’s okay?” Desert asked, taking several deep breaths. “And where did you get a broom?!”

“....Remember Whooping?” Smexy asked raising an eyebrow.

“Shut up.” Desert growled.

“Thought so.” Smexy said with a shit eating grin.