The 4chan Chronicles

by theworstwriter

Rating: mature
Tags: Random, Gore, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Human, Romance, Spike, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Gilda, Other, Pinkie Pie, Sex, Tragedy, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 109007

OHGODIAMNOTGOODWITHCOMPUTERHOWDIDTHISGETHERE

Sometimes... I get bored.
Sometimes... I go to the bad places on the internet.
Sometimes... well, when in Rome...

I'd like to consider myself a legitimate fic writer. If that's something you'd like to do, turn back now.

I've still got 'legit' stories going, but sometimes I get writer's block, or need a break from them, or just plain don't feel like working on them. But I still have the urge to write. This is the result.

The following is crass, vulgar, and very low-brow. They're stories, written on the fly and unedited for 4chan. In the style and voice of 4chan. Aaaand partially subject to the whims of 4chan. Marked mature because 4chan and dicks (no clop), tags added as they come or by request.

I agonized over whether or not these were worth saving (they're not) or even if anyone would want to read them (they don't) and eventually concluded that this preface would be enough of an excuse for their existence (it isn't).

Spelling mistakes, shitty sentences structure, poor word choice, contrived plot devices, and heavily OOC moments abound. Run while you can. I've become a monster.

Every one of you is stupider now just for having read this synopsis. You've been warned.

Published 2012-03-06 03:54:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-07 08:10:08 UTC

Rainbro Dash 3 - Big Success

397469
This one is just for YOU. Not the others in the thread. YOU. This is YOURS to cherish forever and ever.

Having some good brotimes with Dash.
An... unfortunate incident occurs in your kitchen. Let's just say neither of you should be allowed to cook.
Your house is temporarily out of commission for renovation.
Standing around outside with Dash.
"Well, Shit, Dash. Now what?"
She blushes a little.
"You know Anon, you can stay at my place for a while, if you want. I've got your back."
"No, I mean food. I'm still hungry."
Her blush deepens.
"Oh. Uh, we can always just go get something from Pinkie."
"Good idea."
"Let's rock."
"Hey, Dash?"
"Yeah?"
"How would I stay up in the clouds, anyway?"
"I dunno. Twilight can do spells and junk."
"I might have to take you up on that offer. Nothing against the other ponies, but they're just not... I don't know how to word it. You fit where they don't. Know what I mean?"
She gets a nervous smile.
"Heh... yeah."

"So Dashie, I hear Anon is gonna stay with you for a little while?"
Pinkie wiggles her eyebrows suggestively.
"It's not like that. Anon's house is... not a cool place to be right now. He needed somewhere to stay, and I offered."
You put up a fist for a bro-hoof/fist-pound abomination. It's really pretty weird to shove a fist into a hoof, but it's a gesture both of you are familiar with so you just deal with it.
"Hey wait a minute... how did you hear about that, Pinkie? We JUST left Anon's house like, four minutes ago!"
"Oh, I have my ways."
You stuff down some tasty treats. Pinkie may not be your bro, but DAMN she can bake. You make a mental note to ask her for advice later.
Dash finishes her food, and the two of you walk over to Twilight's place.
You kick open the door and make your voice as high and regal as you can.
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE, YOUR FRIENDSHIP REPORT IS LATE!"
Before you can blink, she's on the floor in front of you. Bowing apologetically. She doesn't bother to look up and see it's just you.
Dash snickers.
Twilight looks up.
"Oh ha-ha, Anon."
"I dunno Twilight, I thought it was pretty good."
You smirk in Dash's direction.
"Of course YOU did. I swear, sometimes you're worse with me than Scootaloo is with you."
Her face is beet-red, but it's hard to tell if it's a blush or if it's anger.
"I... I am NOT! Look, you're awesome, okay? If you weren't, you wouldn't be WORTHY of hanging with The Dash!"
Twilight looks confused.
"So... what did you two need?"
"Anon, what do you think? Is Twilight radical enough to help us?"
You look her up and down.
"...No way."

You and Dash are now on the ground laughing, pounding your hands/hooves into the dirt and rolling around.
Twilight shuts the door.
You both keep laughing for several more minutes.
Dash is so fun to be around. Staying with a bro of her magnitude is gonna be fucking AMAZING.
You knock on the door again.
Twilight opens it, revealing her srs face.
"Are you two done yet?"
You turn to look at eachother and nod.
"Yeah, I think so."
"So then... what did you need?"
Dash puts a hoof around your waist. It was awkward the first few times, but it's basically the equivalent of a friendly arm over the shoulder. She just can't reach that high.
"Anon here is gonna stay with me for a little while, and we-"
Twilight chokes on a held back guffaw.
Dash steps forward in a confrontational, 'what-now, biatch' sorta way.
"Izzat gonna be a problem?"
"No... no, of course not, Dash. In fact, I think it'll probably be the SOLUTION to a problem or two."
You scrunch your face in confusion.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Dash looks nervous.
Twilight steps over to you.
"Nothing. Okay, so cloudwalking? And I assume you'll probably want to leave the house now and then, so a way up and down?"
"Uh... yeah, I guess that's about it."
"Right then. I'll cast a cloudwalking spell that'll last about a week, and you can borrow my balloon."
"Thanks, Twilight. I take it back. You are pretty radical. Consider yourself Vice-Bro to Dash."
"...Thank you?"

You've gotten settled in at Dash's place. It's pretty swanky, considering it's like 90% cloud.
She insisted you take the bed, claiming she felt sorry for you for never having experience a cloud bed.
The two of you are lounging on her couch, enjoying some terrible horror movie about dinosaurs rampaging in a nuclear facility.
Dash is kinda jittery.
You idly wonder if she's afraid of dinosaurs. Or nukes.
Or both.
At a lull in the action, she turns to you.
"Hey Anon?"
"Yeah?"
"What exactly are the duties of a Vice-Bro?"
"Huh?"
"Y'know, Twilight's new title. Like... if I'm assassinated by a rogue Zebraharan nationalist, does she take over my duties?"
"I dunno. I was just trying to keep her in a good mood. Didn't seem like she liked my little prank."
"Oh. So she's not really Vice-Bro?"
"I guess not. I mean, yeah, she's not as lame as SOME ponies, but I don't think she could handle being in your position. She just doesn't have what it takes."
She gulps nervously.
"And... what exactly does it take? To be me? What DO I have?"
This is kinda outta nowhere. You wonder what's on your bro's mind. The Vice-Bro comment really seems to have hit on something.
Maybe she has some kinda complex about being replaced. Like her parents used stories about adopting a new daughter if she misbehaved or something, and she's desperate for validation. Fuck if you know.
You decide to humor her. Why not? She's your bro.
"Well, you're a badass. Twilight's not a badass."
Dash giggles.
"Are you sure? I mean, she can probably study five times faster than you! Do you really wanna mess with that?"

"So... what else, Anon?"
"Let's see here... oh, you're so fast it doesn't even make SENSE. I'm no comic book geek, but I think you could probably beat any superhero in a race. Except the Flash, of course. Nobody's faster than the Flash."
Dash looks confused.
You shake your head.
"Nevermind. Point is, you're RETARDED fast. And then how can we forget your off-the-charts coolness, radicalness, and awesomeness?"
She blushes and waves a hoof dismissively.
"No, Dash. Don't be modest. On top of all that, you've got a winning smile, bitchin' shades, and kickass hair."
You're making wild gestures to indicate these things, and the tone of your voice makes it clear you're being more than a little goofy.
"Plus? One HELL of a flank!"
You playfully slap her cutie mark.
She yelps in surprise and falls off the couch.
She gives a hesitant and somewhat forced laugh.
"Aw come on, Dash. Just playin' around."
"Heh... yeah. I'm fine."
"Now really, I doubt Twilight's got ANY of that."
Dash smiles.
You put your hand on your chin and look up in thought.
"Except maybe her flank, I guess. Baby's got back, yeah?"
A look you can't identify flashes across her eyes for just a second. Is Dash into mares? Did you just unintentionally plant the seeds of romance amongst what used to be stable friendship?
God you hope not. Romantic entanglement amongst friends almost always ends in tears.

Dash climbs off the floor and back onto the couch. Her wings are sticking out awkwardly, but she does her best to make sure you're both seated comfortably.
She's such a goddamn bro. She deserves a fuckin' medal.
After a second, she gets back off the couch.
"What's up?"
"Nothing, just going to grab something to drink. You want anything?"
"Whaddaya got?"
She flashes a downright DEVIOUS smile at you.
"Better question. What DON'T I have. I think you should come with me."
The two of you step into her liquor closet.
Holy BALLS.
Girl is serious about her drinks. You can respect that.
Now, you've never heard of most of these, having grown up and done your drinking on Earth, but even if you'd been an Equestrian native you're sure you'd recognize half of these at most.
"What uh... what's good?"
"Everything, but maybe that's just me."
She laughs.
"Try whatever you want, Anon. What's mine is yours."

Two hours and an almost unbelievably unhealthy amount of alcohol later, you're not sure what the technical name for your level of inebriation is. You lost track at 'totally fit-shaced'.
Dash is either a complete MONSTER or has been holding back on the drink. You're not sure which.
You lean on her for support. Walking is HARD.
Have I mentioned you're a dumb piece of shit yet? That you're going to fuck everything up? Because you are. You're too drunk not to.
"Y'know, I fukkin' love you, man."
She blushes real hard and pops a massive, throbbing wingboner, but you don't notice.
"I really wasn't kiddin' earlier. You're... you're awesome. Twilight ain't got SHIT on you!"
She starts guiding you toward the bed. You happily plod along, oblivious to the fact that you're moving.
"I mean, not only are you *garbleflarbleunintelligible* but when I fuck up, you've got my back! I need you, and I don't know what I'd do without you."
She reaches the edge of the bed and tries to help push you onto it, but you slip and grab her neck. You land on the floor NEXT to the bed, laying across her chest.
The floor is not comfy. Dash is not comfortable. Dash is comfy. You are comfortable. And drunk. Don't forget drunk.
You mumble sleepily, "You're my bro, Dash. Don't ever stop bro-ing for me."
You pass out.

You wake up in the morning, and your head is killing you. You try to open your eyes, but very quickly decide to not ever do that again. The sun is a vile and hateful thing. What even...? Right, the drinks. SO many drinks...
Man, at least the cloud bed is nice and soft. You mumble into the pillow underneath you about fluffy soft wonderfulness.
You gently swish your hand around on the surface before you find the edge and your hand... hits the floor?
You were sure the bed was higher up than that.
Come to think of it, your head and torso are living the high life, but your legs are actually pretty shitty.
You move one of them and bang your knee into something hard and unforgiving.
Summoning all your courage and strength, you try to open your eyes again.
NOPE.
Though you did catch something blue against something white. The bed wasn't blue, was it?
Vague memories of last night start falling back into your head.
OH. Right, Dash was walking you to the bedroom and...
SHIT.
NO.
WHY?
Please, no.
You pray for a sign that you did not, in fact, fuck a horse last night.
Finding yourself in the most dire circumstances you can ever remember encountering, you try once more to open your eyes.
You SUCCEED!
At a great cost. FUCK the light hurts. Are you that hung over, or does a lot more sunlight get into a cloud house than a ground house?

You slowly stand and look around. The bed's jimmies are unrustled. Looks like nobody's been in it.
Dash starts stirring and opens one eye.
"What... time is it?"
"I have no idea, but uh... why were we on the floor?"
She laughs.
"Oh, that. Yeah, you were pretty messed up. I tried to get you to the bed, but uh... didn't quite make it. We sorta fell, and you were laying on me."
"Okay, so I was out and not gonna move. Got it. Why were YOU on the floor?"
She blushes.
"'Cuz I didn't wanna wake you. You looked so peaceful. Like a drunken, idiotic baby."
You chuckle.
"Uh... sorry. Didn't mean to take your bed AND your couch from you. And then not use either."
"It's fine. I was drunk enough that I slept pretty well anyway. Tomorrow night, though? You're sleeping in that bed. And you are going to LOVE it."
"I dunno, you're pretty fuckin' soft. I could get used to sleeping on you if I had somewhere to put my legs."
There her wings go again. Have they always done that at random times of day and you just never noticed?
"So, Anon. It's morning. I'm hungry. You're hungry. What do we do about it?"
"Well you have a kitchen, don-"
"Nope, not happening. That's how we got into this situation in the first place."
"I dunno, seems like a good idea to me. Attempt to make food, add one bro to living space. Season with alcohol to taste."
You share a laugh before deciding to go with the easy default. Pinkie.
You start for the balloon.
Dash stops you.
"What?"
"Balloons are stupid. I have a better idea."

The balloon is now on the ground, next to the lake, ready for you to take it back up when necessary.
Dash's house is floating OVER the lake.
You're hesitating at the edge of the cloud, but not because you're scared of heights or anything.
As awesome as the idea sounds, you're just a bit nervous about taking a couple hundred foot drop into a lake of questionable depth.
"So, you gonna jump or what?"
"...Have you done this before?"
Dash wiggles her wings.
"Right. Just... gimme a sec."
She rolls her eyes.
"One."
She pushes you.
ShitshitshitshitfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK *splash*

You're now shivering on the shore of the lake.
Clothes get very uncomfortable when wet. A fact that Dash can be forgiven for not knowing. Why didn't YOU think of that?
In no time at all, she's back down carrying a bag of yours loaded with shirts and pants and whatnot.
She sets it down next to you, and you look at eachother for a second.
Her wings are doing that thing again.
"Okay... so I'm just gonna get changed real quick."
"Al...alright. I'll meet you there?"
"Sure."
She takes off at top speed right as you start to peel your cold, wet pants off.

You walk in and look around. Dash is sitting over in a corner and waves you over.
You sit down and the two of you start compiling a list of awful ideas to try for getting you down.
You're mostly in favor of ones that don't involve you getting wet.
Pinkie bounces over.
"Hiya Dashie!"
"Hey Pinkie."
"Sooooo... how did last night go? Didja break him yet?"
"Hey, lay off her Pinkie. My bro is takin' good care of me."
"Oh I'll BET she is."
You roll your eyes and decide to play along a bit.
"Yeah. Who knew she was so soft?"
You reach over and pet her like a piece of fabric.
She gives you a sly look. She knows this game.
"Yeah, I guess I'm pretty soft, but I had no idea YOU were so HARD!"
Pinkie gasps.
"I'm lucky I'm not bruised!"
"Hey, me too! The floor is surprisingly uncomfortable, considering it's made of clouds."
"All the way off the edge and to the floor, Dashie? That's a new record!"
"I dunno what you're talking about Pinkie."
"Yeah. What edge is she talking about, Dash?"
Pinkie tilts her head.
"But wait... if you... I thought... the floor?"
"You still gotta try the bed, Anon."
Pinkie tilts her head further.
"You guys are confusing me."
Dash bolts upright.
"Oh crud! I forgot, there's something I gotta go take care of. I'll be right back, okay?"
"Sure."
She rockets out of there and Pinkie continue looking at you.
"What?"
"I'm just trying to figure out whether or not you two bumped uglies."
"Pinkie, it's just fun and games. A joke."

"A mare's heart is not to be toyed with, Anon."
"What? No, we didn't do anything. The insinuations are the joke."
"Like pretending there's an invisible book that only smart ponies can see so Twilight gets all frustrated?"
"Uh, yeah, I guess."
"But you gotta confess in the end or once it starts to hurt, or else you're an awful meanie."
"Yeah, and I'm telling you right now. You seemed pretty lost."
Pinkie stares at you with a look you've never seen her give before. Sad reminiscense, maybe?
"You need to be really careful with those jokes, Anon. They hurt a lot more than you think."
Dash comes back in.
"Did I miss anything?"
Pinkie shakes her head.
"Nopey-dopey. I was just telling Anon how it's not nice to keep stringing a pony along with a prank and eventually you gotta come clean."
Dash glares at Pinkie. There's... a history you don't know?

The two of you are at Twilight's, helping her with some ridiculous magic nonsense.
Twilight keeps looking at the two of you funny.
The next time she leaves the room to get something, you turn to Dash.
"Is there... something going on I don't know about?"
"Like what?"
"I don't know... just, all the ponies we talk to are giving me weird, coded messages. Like they're trying to tell me something important but they aren't allowed to say it."
She laughs nervously.
"I have no idea."
"Don't tell me you're in on it, too?"
She blushes. Again. Man, between the blushing and the wing thing, you wonder if she's got some kind of medical condition.
"If I was, would I be able to tell you?"
"Ah man, you totally are! You KNOW! And now that I KNOW you know, I gotta know!"

Twilight comes back into the room.
You turn to her and salute.
"Vice-Bro, I require your assistance on a matter of utmost importance!"
She awkwardly salutes you in return.
"It seems there's a conspiracy buried here, one that I am not involved in but am at the center of."
Dash fidgets nervously and shoots Twilight a pleading look.
"There is a secret, and SPAM WORDFILTER here is trying to keep it from me."
Twilight looks over at Dash.
"Rainbow, wouldn't it be a lot easier if you just told him?"
"Ah-HA! So you DO know!"
Dash hovers nervously between you and Twilight.
"No. She's bluffing. Pretending. Joking!"
"Vice-Bro, is this true?"
"Why are you even asking her? I'm Bro. I outrank her. You should take my word over hers."
"Insidious agents have been known to reach positions of power... Vice-Bro, what do you have to say?"
Dash gets closer to you. She looks scared.
"Don't you trust me, Anon?"
"Listen, broski. I do trust you. Absolutely. I trust you more than any other pony in my life. But it's clear there's a secret here that you don't want me to find out. That's cool. Bros can have some secrets. I just need to know WHY I can't know. Make sure I'm in the clear, y'know?"
"You're TOTALLY in the clear! You're fine! Nothing bad is gonna happen to you as long as I have a say in the matter."
"Then why can't I know? Is it just that embarassing?"
Instead of answering, she blushes more fiercely than she has all week.

"Okay then. I'll let it go. I trust you, and if you say it doesn't involve me, I believe you."
She lets out a forced laugh.
"Eh heh... funny thing there... it sorta... DOES involve you."
"Well then I'm gonna need to know about it! If you have incriminating photos of me, you can't just not tell me that! I mean you could blackmail me, sure, but you have to let me KNOW!"
"It's nothing that'll be bad for you. I won't let it be. Trust me."
Her eyes look a little misty.
You sigh.
"I'm going to drop this. For now. But rest assured, I WILL get to the heart of the matter eventually."
At this inappropriate juncture, Twilight lets out a short laugh.
"And just what's funny now?"
"Nothing, Anon. Just your word choice there."
Dash grabs you by the wrist.
"Come on, Anon. We've got better places to be."
You apologize to Twilight for leaving early as you're dragged outside.
"Dash, what's gotten into you?"
"Nothing! I'm fine!"
"No, it's pretty clear you're not. You're my bro, Dash. I don't want to see you unhappy. Let me help."
"Bro-ness is a two way street, Anon. It'd be really un-bro of me to drop this on you. I can handle it, and I PROMISE you I won't let anything bad happen to you because of it."
You raise a finger and open your mouth to object.
"I ALSO promise you that you aren't in any physical danger, and there are no incriminating photos."

That night Dash is unusually quiet.
She doesn't make a peep during the awesome explodey action movie, and she just barely touches the alcohol.
"Dash, how much did you drink last night?"
"Huh? Why?"
"Just curious."
"I dunno... not a whole lot, I guess."
"And how much have you had tonight?"
"Practically nothing."
"...Why?"
"I haven't really felt like it."
"That doesn't sound like the Dash I know. Back at my place, you would POUND 'em down and still fly home. I know you can, and I know you like it."
"Have you ever said or done something you regret while you were drunk?"
"Yeah, who hasn't?"
"I don't want to ruin what we've got."
"How is it any different than when we're at my place?"
She lets out a long, LONG sigh.
"Because I can't just fly home. I'm already here, and I can't get away from the mistakes I'm about to make."
"Listen, you're right. Bro-ness IS a two way street. And I have had enough of whatever is eating you. It's really hard to be your bro if you won't LET me. Don't you want me to be your bro?"
There's an uncomfortable silence.
"...No."

"What?"
"It'll all make sense in a minute, Anon. I'm gonna go down a few gallons of liquid courage, and we're gonna do this dance. I'm gonna put all my cards on the table, and if I'm very, VERY lucky, we'll slay this beast."
"Dash, what in the everloving fuck are you talking about?"
"Oh my GOD I hate agreeing with Twilight, but your word choice is RIDICULOUS!"
After about twenty minutes, you get up to see what's taking her so long.
She wasn't kidding. She's had a LOT. Like... you're pretty sure even The Dash can't handle that much and she's going to need medical attention real soon.
You knock the bottle she's holding aside.
"I don't know what YOU'RE thinking, but I think you've had enough. I know I pushed you, but this can wait. We should get you to the doctor."
She's wobbling back and forth even when standing still, and her speech is terribly slurred.
"NO! I'm SO CLOSE!"
"So close to what, killing yourself?"
"No. Close to brave enough! I can almost put the words together!"
"Yeah, and you're rapidly losing the ability to do ANYTHING else. Pretty soon including BREATHING."
"That's a sacrifice I'm willing to make!"
"Yeah, well I'm not! You aren't gonna let anything bad happen to me, and I'm not gonna let anything bad happen to you. You are NOT drinking yourself to death because I asked you to tell me something you're clearly not ready to tell me."
"But I ALMOST am! Just a few more bottles and I KNOW I can do it!"
"I don't CARE anymore! I care about YOU more than I care about whatever stupid conspiracy is going on."
She turns and looks you square in the eye. A few tears leak out onto the floor.
"You're not making this any easier, Anon."

"Then help me MAKE it easier. I'll do whatever you want as long as you're safe, and right now you're not."
She grunts and flips over the table.
"WHY? IF YOU CARE ABOUT ME SO MUCH, THEN WHY?"
"Why WHAT? Why am I trying to save your LIFE?"
"WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?"
"Dash, I don't know what you're talking about!"
"You're so STUPID!"
"SO EDUCATE ME!"
"You're my BRO! I CAN'T! You've emphasized that point OVER and OVER again!"
"Then forget bros! If you being my bro is going to kill you, then I don't want to be your bro! You're more important than that!"
She steps toward you on unsteady hooves.
She puts her muzzle RIGHT up against your face.
And she screams.
"IF I DIDN'T LOVE YOU SO MUCH, I'D HATE YOU!"

The unexpected loud noise directly in your face knocks you over, and you haven't finished processing what she just said before she reaches down and puts a hoof behind your head.
She pulls you forward and kisses you.
DEEPLY.
You're pretty sure even if this situation was 100% normal in every way, the sheer depth of that kiss would still blow your mind.
You reel back, panting for breath.
Dash's face is soaked with tears, as is the floor underneath her.
You can't think of anything to say, but you know exactly what to do.
You brush the matted mane out of her face and wipe the freshest tears out of her eyes. You peer through her eyes and into her soul.
You embrace her and you kiss her with twice the ferocity she kissed you.
When the kiss ends, you stay locked silently in the embrace for what feels like hours.
Finally, Dash breaks the silence.
"Did you... did you feel that way about me all along?"
"...Yeah."
"Then why did this have to be so hard?"
"I wasn't sure if you felt the same way about me!"
"Nuh-uh. That's MY excuse. I threw out clues. I blushed. I fidgeted nervously. Why didn't YOU do anything?"
"I was afraid you'd all think I was a freak for wanting to fuck horses."
The two of roll about the floor laughing and kiss again before falling asleep in the middle of the kitchen.
You lie on top of Dash.
Fuck the cloud bed. There's no way it's softer than Dash.

THAT IS NOT HOW YOU WRITE PINKIE. She's crazy, not INSANE.

THAT IS NOT HOW YOU WRITE PINKIE. She's crazy, not INSANE.

Be Pinkie Pie.
Okay.
Let's go!

Celestia came to you to ask you to throw her sister a party!
Luna's having a birthday party, and you're planning it!
Ohmygoshthispartyisgoingtobeamazing!
YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF A PRINCESS PARTY.
There will be SO.
MUCH.
CAKE.
And balloons!
What about streamers?
Well DUH there are going to be streamers, I mean really who has balloons without streamers?
Not you!
INVITATIONS!
YES! NOW! DO IT NOW!
You get a little carried away and end up mailing out more invitations than there are ponies.
You feel sorry for whoever has to deliver all of them.
And for Applejack. You're pretty sure she's going to be shoveling invitations for weeks.
Okay, what else... uh... you need... you need... CAKE! Wait, no you already did that.
MORE CAKE!
Okay, then?
MORE
Then?
MMMMOOOOOOOAAAAARRRRRR CCCCAAAAAAAEEEEEEEKKKKKK
... okay then. What about after ALL the cake is done. Cake is no longer a concern. THEN what?
You're going to need a minute.

Okay. Today's the day. Everything is ready. Everything is perfect.
You just need to make sure you get the surprise right.
But that's the hard part! Luna knows the castle like the back of her hoof.
That's a pretty silly saying. Why would you need to memorize the back of your hoof?
NO.
That's a DISTRACTION.
That's how they GET you.
FOCUS.
Okay, surprise. Gotta surprise Luna. Castle probably won't work.
Leaving the castle grounds spontaneously is suspicious. You can't make her put her guard up like that.
So she has to stay near the castle, but she can't be IN the castle.
Hiding a party outside wouldn't be THAT hard if it was just you, but for some reason other ponies don't seem to be as good at hiding.
Got it. Brilliant. Cut, print, that's a wrap, checkmate, step three profit.
You retreat to the Pinkie Cave.
By which you mean the fort you built in your room out of pillows and blankets.
YES YOU KNOW IT ISN'T REALLY A CAVE, YOU'RE NOT STUPID.
You just happen to have a little thing called IMAGINATION.
YOU FORGOT TO DO THE RAINBOW HANDS THING LIKE THAT SPONGE GUY.
QUICK, DO THE RAINBOW THING!
You do the rainbow thing.
YES!
Okay. In the cave. Luna. Surprise.
You get out your power tools.

You're hiding under Luna's bed. You had to push some weird looking toys to the side.
Why were those down here, anyway?
It's not like you have a problem with toys, but they need to be stored properly.
OHMYGOSH, does Luna not have a toybox?
You should totally get her one for her birthday!
When is that?
OHYEAH, right now! Okay, maybe later. Right now it's surprise time.
The trap is set. As soon as she opens the door, you are going to scare the... /something that Luna is full of/ right out of her!
In a good way though.
Because it's a surprise party surprise, not a scary surprise.
So maybe you won't scare her, then. You'll SURPRISE her.
You'll surprise the /whatever is inside her/ right out of her.
Why do you keep trying to use that phrase?
FOCUS, PINKIE!
You hope all the others remember to yell surprise when the two of you show up.
They probably will. It's just one word, and it's not very hard to remember one word.
If they had to yell TWO words, then they might mix it up, but they don't so they won't and that's good.
The doorknob is turning.
You are excited. You're grinning. You're vibrating rapidly in place, muscles tense and ready to pounce.
The door opens.
You jump.
Luna yelps.
There's a bright flash of light.
You open your eyes and see... that you're still in the castle?
Oh no! Something went wrong and it didn't work and Luna's party is ruined and that's terrible quick maybe if you stuff her in a bag before she opens her eyes you can carry her to the party before she notices!

Where is she?
You look around, but you don't see Luna.
You see the bed, and you see the toys, and you see Pinkie Pie...
WAIT A MINUTE...
Why aren't those toys in a toybox?
DOES LUNA NOT HAVE A TOYBOX?
You should get her one for her birthday! Where is she?
Pinkie opens her eyes.
She's staring at you.
Quick, say something!
"Um... uh...."
You panic and can't make the words happening going!
You grab the blanket off the bed and throw it over her, then you grab the corners of it and tie them together.
Now she's trapped in the bag and you can take her to the party!
She writhes around in the bag and makes muffled protests.
But if there are TWO Pinkies at the party, then... then which one is in charge?
Do you have to fight for it?
You pull a boxcutter out of hammerspace and cut her out of the blanket.
She falls to the floor and jumps to her hooves.
"THOU ART AN IMPOSTOR! I AM THE PRINCESS, NOT YOU!"
"You silly filly, you're not Celestia OR Luna! You're Pinkie Pie! It's okay, sometimes I get confused, too. One time, I thought I was Marcellus Wallace for a whole day before I looked in a mirror and realized I kinda did look like a bitch."

"WHA...what?"
"Have you not seen that movie?"
"........what?"
"Nevermind, listen, I think something is wrong here."
"I AGREE."
"The Traditional Royal Canterlot Voice (R) went out of style forEVER ago. You should really consider modernizing your speech, especially if you're going to be Pinkie Pie because she throws a lot of parties and if the host of a party is behind the times a party can get really awkward and boring."
"LISTEN TO... Listen, I'm dreadfully confused right now. What is going on here?"
"Well I was TRYING to take Luna to her surprise party, but now I can't find her!"
"But... you're Luna!"
"I am?"
You look down at yourself.
Extra spicy spice nuggets, you ARE Luna! How and when did that happen? You just jumped into your trap so you and Luna would both end up at the party, and then there was that bright flash of light, and now Pinkie is here.
Hey wait, maybe SHE knows something! She's the one planning the party!
OH NO! You're Luna and you know about the surprise party! The surprise is RUINED! But Pinkie worked so HARD on it! That's not FAIR!
Maybe she needs an 'it's-okay-that-the-surprise-was-ruined' party. But who could you get to throw a party like that?
OF COURSE, YOU CAN DO IT! You're great at throwing parties!
But maybe not, since you're Luna now.
You should try throwing a party to practice and make sure you can still throw parties.
You run out the door and wait.
"...Hello?"
You don't say anything.
"Where are you going?"
She steps through the door.
CONFETTI EVERYWHERE!
"SURPRISE!"
She slowly drags a hoof down one side of her face in frustration.

"Could you PLEASE tell me what's going on?"
"Of course, silly! All you had to do was ask!"
"THANK you."
"I'm throwing you a 'congratulations-on-becoming-Pinkie-Pie' party! OH MY GOSH I DID IT! I CAN STILL THROW PARTIES!"
You should totally have a party to celebrate that you can still throw parties.
You're going to need your party cannon.
You step into your room and look around for it.
For some reason, you can't find your party cannon. If you don't find it soon, maybe you should just ask if you can borrow Pinkie's.
Maybe it's in your toybox?
Hmmm... there's some toys under the bed, but you're pretty sure none of those are party cannons.
OH MY GOSH, do you not have a toybox? SOMEONE SHOULD GET YOU ONE FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY!
"Hey, Pinkie, do I have a toybox?"
She growls at you.
"I don't think I do. And it just so happens that today is my birthday now! Normally, I don't like to ask for gifts, but this is kindof an emergency. I don't know where my party cannon is. I always keep it in my toybox, but now I don't have a toybox!"
Luna is a very patient mare.
She's been known to wait up to a thousand years at a time.
But she's incapable of handling YOU.
She throws a punch.
You hit the floor.

You calm down. WAY down.
Something serious is going down.
PINKIE just hit you.
Pinkie is all about smiles and hugs and parties! She doesn't hurt other ponies!
To drive her to violence, there'd have to be a crisis of truly epic proportions.
Something like... Discord has turned the sun into a big raccoon and now it's all dark and cold and your trash is knocked over every night!
Or maybe even WORSE.
Like a missing party cannon!
You can't find your party cannon because you can't find your toybox, and you used to be Pinkie... what if she's suffering from can't-find-party-cannon-itis just like you?
You gently place a hoof on her shoulder and speak very slowly.
"Okay. This is serious business. I understand."
"Good. First off, I want to know EXACATLY what happened when I came in the door."
"In a minute. First, I have a very important question for you."
She looks shocked, but doesn't object.
"Do you have a toybox?"
You hit the floor again. You're not sure, but you think she punched you!
Why would Pinkie do something like that?

She shut the door and neither of you have left the room since then.
Eventually, she got you to explain - sortof, at least - what had happened.
You built a massive launching platform into the floor and a retractable hole in the roof.
You weren't sure what the power source was, but it was green and glowy and gooey and it tasted really good.
For some reason, it didn't go off and instead that bright light happened.
Now you're Luna and she's Pinkie.
She dismissed all visitors but her sister, and only told her that there WAS a problem, but she could handle it.
She asked if Celestia could kindly take care of the moon and the stars for her.
After much discussion, she came up with a really complicated sounding plan and promised you could throw her TWO birthday parties once you switched back to normal, so you agreed.
There's a knock at the door.
"Hello? Princess Luna?"
You get an excited grin on your face.
"HEY TWILIGHT! Luna's going to have TWO birthday parties!"
You can hear her chuckling.
"Can... can I come in?"
"NO-"
"SURE!"
You reach for the door to open it, and Pinkie runs after you to stop you.
The door opens, and there's a bright flash of light.

You open your eyes to see Twilight and Luna still struggling to regain their vision.
Luna falls over.
"Pinkie? Luna? What was that?"
Twilight opens her eyes.
"Depending on how lucky we are, anywhere from the solution to our problem to the start of a bigger one."
The bright, colorful splotches fade from her vision and she gasps.
Luna does the same, now that she can see as well.
"Oh boy, now Twilight gets to be Luna! I did it earlier, and it's pretty fun!"
Did the room just get brighter?
It totally did. The ceiling is opening.
Hey, that means your launchy thingy does work! It just didn't trigger right the last time. And you should probably fix the flashy switchy thingy part.
You brace for FUN.
Luna and Twilight scream as you squeal with joy. The three of you are hurtling through the air, exactly as you originally planned.
You fly through an open window and land on a pile of mattresses inside a building full of burnt out candles, empty tables, and stale cake.
You frown slightly at the thought of all this wasted party potential, but cheer up thinking about the parties to come.
You start to bounce happily away when Luna-Twilight (or is it Twilight-Luna? it doesn't matter, it looks like Luna and that means it's her birthday!) stops you.
"Pinkie, can you please explain what just happened?"
"Everything'll be fine. You two are both super smart, and I'm sure you can figure out what needs to be done. Besides, I've REALLY gotta go. It's a lot of work planning TWO parties at the same time, and I still need to buy you a toybox for those funny looking toys under your bed."
You smile and bounce away.
She blushes fiercely.

Rainbro Dash 4 - Ambiguous and SERIOUSLY 4CHAN WHY DO YOU LIKE RAINBRO SO MUCH?

Jeegus, you've been in Ponyville for forever now.
One day it just hits you. You're looking out your window up at the stars and shit and having 'deep' thoughts about the universe like a pretentious fuck and you realize you're never going back.
Not that you were waiting or hoping for it, but it'd never clicked before that your old life might as well never have happened. Equestria is your world now.
Like... whoah.
Dash punches you in the kidney.
"Get back to the couch Anon. I'm not gonna watch all these shitty movies by myself."
She trots back to where she was sitting and sprawls out across the couch.
You smile and the thoughts fade away. They didn't matter anyway. You're happy here.
You go back to the couch to kick back with your best bro.
She's taking up the whole thing.
She knows the rules.
You jump up and bodyslam her rear legs. They're in your spot.
She lets out a yelp and retracts the offending appendeges.
You sink blissfully into the cushions and the both of you share a grin, sighing contendedly.
"So what's the next movie in the pile?"
You take out the flick that just ended (the one with all the snakes on that train) and start scanning down the stack looking for the case.
You put it back and grab the next one down without looking.
Unskippable warnings about piracy. Why does Equestria even have these?
"I'mma go make some popcorn."
"Awesome. You're the best, Anon."
"No problem, bro. I'll be right back."
She gets up, too.
"Actually, I think I'm gonna go to the bathroom."
You nod and head for the kitchen.
Suddenly, loud moaning. Not ambiguous moaning, either. Like, someone is definitely fucking and/or being fucked.

You run out of the kitchen back to the living room.
Dash comes running out of the hallway.
The corner prevents you from seeing eachother until it's too late, and you get a headbutt right in the nuts.
She turns and looks at the TV in horror before diving for the remote.
You writhe around on the ground in pain.
She sighs with relief as the relentlessly hardcore pornography shuts off.
Her wings are as stiff as boards.
You prop yourself up on an elbow.
"Dash, what the FUCK?"
"It was an accident! I heard the TV and came running-"
"Not that. I know you'd never smash your face into my crotch on purpose."
Her face is a little flushed, probably from that little sprint.
"The porn! What... what even was that?"
Ah, she's blushing because her porn was revealed.
"Relax, I didn't see anything. Your sick fetishes remain a secret."
"Heh... I have no idea how that got mixed into the pile. I swear, it won't happen again."
"It's not a huge deal, it's just... startling. I was expecting to have a brodown, not listen to horses fucking."
A stray thought about fetishes runs through your head.
"Those were ponies... right? Like... is... do you guys even have...?"
She's blushing harder and harder. Her wings are pointing almost straight up.
"You know what? Nevermind. A bro's porn is his business and his business alone."
Dash sheepishly walks over and grabs the filthy smut, putting it back in the case and stuffing it at the bottom of her bag.

"I think I'm gonna go ahead and call it a night, Anon."
"Yeah, I hear ya. It's pretty late, and if I were you I'd want to get my embarrassing secret hidden again as soon as possible."
"Heheh... yeah."
"Of course I'd probably do a bad job of hiding it. It'd be like, under my mattress or something stupid."
Her face goes pale.
"What, seriously? You can do all your cloud shit, can't you make a secret compartment in a wall somewhere?"
"Hey yeah, why didn't I think of that?"
"I don't know. Maybe you're secretly stupid and none of your friends have told you."
"Not any stupider than the guy who's popcorn is about to burn his house down."
FUCK.
You run for the kitchen and Dash heads for the door.
You hear her call out a 'later' and you shoot one back while you flail around trying not to fuck up popcorn so bad you end up homeless.
That was pretty hilarious, other than the part where you took a skull to the sack.
The look on her face was priceless, but you can understand. You remember one time when your mom found YOUR porn... that was not a fun day.
You decide then and there to do something cool for your bro tomorrow. She deserves it.
She always brings the movies, she usually brings booze, she's a pretty damn good bro.
There's a weird little nagging in the back of your mind that you've forgotten something, but whatever it is it doesn't seem important.
The nagging isn't even bothersome enough to prevent you from falling asleep.
You drift off and have a fantastically terrifying nightmare about snakes coming out of the plumbing.

You wake up earlier than usual and stumble into the kitchen.
You shovel some food into your face while you contemplate what sort of awesome thing you can do for your bro.
Shit, duh! The Wonderbolts!
She's always losing her shit over how great they are (you're not sure why - she's easily as good as them if not better) and they've got a show this weekend.
You've got some spare bits lying around, so as soon as you're ready to roll you decide to just go buy some tickets.
As you're about to step out the door, you hear a rustling in the bush to your left.
You stand still and eye it suspiciously, but it doesn't move.
You decide to lock your door today.
That taken care of, you head out. You barely make it thirty feet before the mailmare falls on you.
You've never really talked to her, but everybody says she's nice - if a little slow sometimes.
And apparently quite a klutz.
She apologizes and helps you up before flying off to go... deliver mail or whatever.
You start walking once more to go get those tickets, but just around the next corner you trip over some little fillies playing in the street.
You're not mad at them, they're just kids, but it's getting a little frustrating that shit keeps getting in your way.
You stand up, brush yourself off, and go to buy your GODDAMN tickets.
Nothing else went wrong on the way, so you feel pretty good as you approach your house.
Until you see the broken window.

You hop in through the window and grab the nearest blunt object.
It's an umbrella.
Whatever, no time.
"LISTEN UP FUCKFACE, YOU HAVE EXACTLY FOUR SECONDS BEFORE I END YOU!"
You hear shuffling coming from down the hall and then glass shattering.
You sigh. If all that dumb shit hadn't slowed you down, you would've been home earlier and this could've been avoided.
You close your eyes and exhale.
You're calm. Everything's fine.
Life is good, and you don't own anything so important you couldn't live without it. Maybe they didn't even get anything.
Yeah, everything is fine. You've got the tickets. You're gonna be good to your bro.
And some asshole is gonna get a beating if you see any of your stuff around town.
You take a quick look around and don't see anything missing from the kitchen or the living room.
Heading down the hall, you peek into the bathroom for a second to confirm the burglar wasn't mentally deficient and after your soap or anything. Looks good.
Your bedroom window is smashed. Luckily, all the glass landed outside.
Everything... looks okay.
Bed is there, pillows present.
Alarm clock on the dresser.
Pull open the drawers, clothes seem to be in order.
Closet's a warzone, but it always is. There's nothing important in there, and if anything was gone you'd never be able to tell.
Maybe you scared them off before they could take anything.
Or maybe they were trying to find something WORTH taking and couldn't.
You smile. Yeah, everything's good. You'll do something about the windows later.
You decide to go brighten up your bro's day.

You stroll over toward Dash's cloud at a leisurely pace.
Nothing goes wrong or lands on you or trips you.
You stop underneath her house and call out to her.
"YOU CAN'T PROVE ANYTHING!"
"What? Dash, it's me!"
She peeks her head over the edge of the cloud and glances down at you.
She's sweaty and she looks nervous as fuck.
She drops down and lands roughly to stand in front of you.
"H-hey. What's up?"
Her wings are doing that thing again.
"You alright?"
She's got a forced smile on.
"Who me? Y-yeah. I'm fine. I'm... I'm great!"
You squint and lean forward, staring for a few seconds.
She's sweating bullets.
You back off.
"Well okay then. So, what're you doing this weekend?"
She's noticeably calmer now, and her wings are returning to normal.
"I dunno yet. There's a couple options."
"Eh, not really. Just the one."
"Oh? And which one is that?"
You hold up the tickets and flash a toothy grin.
"Are those?"
"Yup."
"AWESOME!"
Hmmm... bros gotta give eachother some shit now and then, and now is a great opportunity...
"I know! I'm gonna go take Fluttershy!"
You start sprinting at top speed toward the little cottage at the edge of the woods.
Dash sits there in stunned silence while you cover about half the distance.

When she finally realizes you're just being a dick and screwing with her, she smiles and blasts off in your direction.
You barely get three more steps before you're on the ground with Dash sitting on your chest.
You smile.
She smiles back.
"God you're gullible."
You push a little, but she shoves you back down
"And you're slower than Twilight."
"Didn't she beat you guys in that race?"
"Not the point!"
You push her off of you and she lets you go.
"Um... hey... Anon?"
"Yeah?"
"I have a little... confession to make."
"What brings this up?"
"Well, here you are taking me to see the Wonderbolts outta nowhere, while I'm off being a jerk."
"You? A jerk? NEVER!"
She gives you a playful shove.
"I mean it. Besides, there's good news for you here too."
"Well let's have it, then."
"I, uh... I broke into your house."
"That was YOU? What the fuck Dash, why?"
"When I left last night? I left my bag."
Her wings are doing that thing again.
"So why couldn't you just wait for me and for it?"
"The uh... the porn, dude."
"Not sure I follow you."
"I don't know, I panicked. I barely slept last night knowing it was still over there waiting to be found."
Now she's blushing, too.
"And then this morning when I got there, the door was uh... locked. So I made a stupid choice. I'm... I'm sorry."
You look at her for a second before you smile and hold up your fist.
Hoof meets fist, and she understands she is forgiven.
"You're cleaning up the glass, though."

The weekend comes up fast, and before you know it you're at the show with your bro.
You have to admit, the Wonderbolts ARE pretty fuckin' sweet, but why can't she see she's just as good?
She's squealing and cheering and having a great time. You're glad you did this for her.
Whatever that nagging thought at the back of your head is, it's back. There's some stupid little thing you're forgetting.
It still doesn't feel like it's important, but it's more relevant. Something reminded you of it?
If so, it did a pretty shitty job reminding you since you can't remember what it is.
You try to push it aside and ignore it, but it's more insistent than before.
Dash has some stuff to go do, so you split up and you go home.
You open the door and wonder what the shit you're trying so hard to remember.
The windows need replacing?
Nah, that's obvious. Especially since it's gotten colder without them.
Dash already cleaned up the glass, so that's not it.
The umbrella maybe?
Oh, is it that you need to get a bat or something in case there's a real break-in?
Nope. Shit, what the fuck is it?
You pace around the house, wandering from room to room.
Nothing in the kitchen gives you any ideas.
The bathroom is similarly unimportant.
The rest of Dash's movies are still in your living room, but that's on purpose. You weren't done watching them all yet.
You get to the bedroom and shiver from the cold. You're glad your blankets are so warm.
Wait...
...Why was she in your bedroom if she left the bag in the living room?

You have a hard time sleeping that night.
Your blankets are really warm, but you still feel cold.
What the hell was she doing in your bedroom?
And why is there STILL an unidentifiable little memory trying to claw its way out of the back of your head? Was the bedroom thing not it?
No... no it wasn't.
The little nagging thought came up before then. You were able to brush it off as unimportant the first night, but you definitely remember it was there the night before she broke your windows.
Whatever it is, it's getting more and more annoying and you just know it's only going to get worse if you don't figure out what it is.
Eventually, you do fall asleep, but all too soon the sun is all up in your grill being an obnoxious asshole and cutting your sleep short.
Your tiredness and general annoyance manage to override the little brainworm and you go about your day relatively in the clear.
You flop onto the couch and kick off your shoes when there's a knock at the door.
It's Dash. Movie time.
You try to enjoy the movie - okay, enjoy may not be the appropriate word because these are TERRIBLE movies - but two little things keep buzzing around your head. Why was she in your bedroom, and what are you forgetting?
Fuck this shit.
"Hey Dash?"
"Yeah Anon?"
"The other day, when you crashed in here desperately in need of getting off but unable to do so without your freaky fetish porn, why'd you go out my bedroom window?"
Nervous and sweaty. Wings. Blush. You're pretty sure Dash would be the worst poker player ever.
"Well, you were in the living room and uh... the bedroom has the only window you can't see from there."
"Okay, well you were ALREADY in the bedroom when I came in. Did you want me to catch pneumonia and die so you could inherit my bitchin' TV?"

"What? NO! I just... I was..."
"Come on, spill it. I'm your bro. I'll probably forgive you. I might get a little revenge, but I'm sure whatever you did wasn't that bad."
She's blushing HARD now.
"You know how you said you kept your porn under your mattress?"
There's that little memory of a memory again...
"Yeah?"
"I was... curious."
"Oooh."
Wait.... OH! SHIT, THAT MUST BE WHAT IT WAS!
When you were first unpacking your shit, there was one thing you couldn't find.
One piece of filthy, filthy pornography.
It actually wasn't that bad, but it was your favorite. Sentimental value, y'know? It was the very first piece in your collection.
All the talk of porn made you remember that you'd lost it. But it's not IMPORTANT because it's just porn and you've got plenty more.
"I kinda took some."
You start laughing uproariously. Pervy little shit, your bro is. Ah, tonight is good. Your bro comes clean (the truth will set you free, dawg!) and you get that little knot out of your skull...
Or... not.
What the flying FUCK is it? If THAT wasn't it, then what the hell are you forgetting that's so not important?
FUCKING FUCK.
FUCK FUCKETY FUCK FUCK FUCK.
FUCK...
Fuck...
Fuck?
OH GODDAMNIT

IT WAS THE SOUND OF HER PORN!
HER PORN WAS YOUR PORN!
The loud fucky moaning the other night from Dash's accident with the porn was what you were remembering!
She has your missing porn! She's had it all along!
She must've gotten a hold of it when she was helping you move in.
And now she has MORE of it? The greedy little fucker.
Wait a minute.
Waaaaiiiit a minute.
She wasn't just curious. She'd seen it before!
But... your porn has humans, not ponies...
Your bro is like... a reverse furry or something.
You feel a lot better now that you remember, and you're not even really mad. It's just porn.
But god DAMN are you laughing hard right now.
Your bro is SO FUCKING EMBARRASSED.
You do have a right to laugh here, but you actually are starting to feel bad for how monumentally embarrassing this must be.
You shut your mouth and hold it in for a few seconds. Dash looks at you.
It's no good, you can't do it. You crack up and she looks away in shame.
She turns to leave.
"No... bro..."
It's hard to talk when you're laughing so hard.
"It's... it's okay, bro. I'm sorry... just gimme a minute here."
She doesn't say anything, but it looks like she's about to cry.
Man, now you feel AWFUL.
Finally managing to suppress what you think is the last of it, you put a hand on her shoulder and smile.
"Everything'll be okay bro. I've seen weirder fetishes."
Aw, fuck. Now she IS crying.

"Bro, look at me. LOOK AT ME."
She wipes away some of her tears and looks up into your eyes.
"You can't control what you like. It's part of who you are. Shit happens. I found out your terrible secret, but so what? It's not like I'm gonna go tell your friends. You can trust me."
She sniffles and you can see the beginnings of a smile.
"There ya go. Now, remember here, trust, okay? I need you to be honest with me. Can you do that?"
She nods.
"That porn the other night? Did you take that from me?"
She nods again, but is refusing to make eye contact.
"Look at me, Dash. It'll be okay. I just need to make sure I can trust you here. I don't want you lying to me and taking my stuff. I want to believe in you, okay?"
She looks back at you and her lip quivers, but she holds herself together.
"Okay. So you took that, and then when you broke in you took more from under my mattress. Is there anything else I should know?"
She doesn't say anything.
"You didn't do anything else?"
She shakes her head.
"You haven't lied about anything else?"
She looks away and a few more tears fall.
"DASH! It'll be okay. Look at me. I want to forgive you, we just need a whole lot of trust okay? This shouldn't be hard. We have something, don't we?"
She's fighting to not start bawling.
"I... the... the other night... wasn't totally an accident."
You tilt your head.
She's blushing and her wings are doing that thing.
"I mean yeah, I was... I was just as surprised as you when it came on. I thought it was way closer to... to the bottom of the stack."

You're stunned. She's... she's obviously not having a very good time right now. Why would she willingly do this to herself?
"Anon, I just... I thought maybe..."
She... she has a thing for humans.
And she tried to stealth some porn into your movie night.
That sly bitch.
"You thought what, it'd be easier to convince me if I was prepped and ready to go?"
She sniffles again.
Oh god, how do you even... what's the protocol for...
THIS WAS NOT IN THE BRO HANDBOOK
It doesn't matter that she's a she, she's still your bro.
Bros... bros are bros. Bros are excellent to eachother.
Bros help eachother out and are there for eachother.
Bros don't leave bros hangin'.
Bros have trust.
Has any of that changed?
She confessed. She's trying to make up for what she did.
She still meets all the prerequisites for bro-dom.
Plus she's... she's your BEST bro. None of the others could replace her.
Yeah, okay, what about the other side?
Are YOU in the clear?
Have you lied to her?
Do you trust her?
Have you ever left her hangin?

Yes. Yes you have.
You agreed to watch movies with Dash, and there were no restrictions on what she could choose.
You said, and you quote yourself, 'Yeah, I'll watch whatever you want. It's less WHAT you watch and more WHO you watch WITH.'"
You get up and go over to the couch.
You sit down and press play.
You pat the seat next to you.
She looks confused.
"It's still movie night."
"But... but I thought..."
"You are who you are, and you like what you like. I trust you, and I care about you. There's no conflict there."
She cautiously steps toward the couch.
"But you're not-"
"Doesn't matter. Nothing has changed. Two weeks ago, did you feel the same way you do now?"
She nods.
"And we still had funtimes. You're important to me, and it'll take a lot more than this to change that."
She hops onto the seat next to you and offers a shaky smile.
You shiver from the cold. You still haven't replaced the windows.
She puts a wing over you.
You don't object.

Rainbro wait really? You're kidding right? ANOTHER FUCKING RAINBRO DASH?

Rainbro wait really? You're kidding right? ANOTHER FUCKING RAINBRO DASH?

It's Hearts and Hooves day. You understand it's roughly equivalent to Valentine's Day, but it still confuses you.
Hearts and Hooves? What does that even mean?
Lost in your oh-so-important thoughts, you aren't watching where you're going.
You bump into something purple and fall on your ass.
"Oh, hi Anon. Sorry about that."
"Nah, my fault Twilight. I should've been paying more attention."
Twilight smiles at you.
"So, what's up?"
She blushes a little.
"Do you know what day it is today, Anon?"
"The day a bunch of ponies all fuck, right? You got a stallion in mind?"
Her blush deepens before her expression blanks and she zones out.
You wave your hand in front of her face, but she doesn't respond.
You shrug and turn to leave.
She snaps out of it.
"Wait, Anon..."
You look back at her.
"Do you want to... maybe... have you considered... um..."
Twilight awkwardly stumbles over a few dozen more sentence fragments while a strange whistling noise grows louder and louder.

The sound is actually a little unnerving now. What the hell IS that noise?
You look around, trying to discern the source of it, but can't figure it out.
You look up into a blurry rainbow streak shooting straight toward Twilight.
You take a step back.
Twilight doesn't notice. She's still doing a lot of staring at the ground and shuffling her hooves.
You wince at the sound of the impact. That could NOT have felt good.
Your best bro Dash jumps to her hooves, wobbles a little, and shakes the dizziness out of her head.
She's sweating and panting and having a hard time catching her breath.
"Hey Anon... Wh-what's up? Doin' anything today?"
"...No?"
She looks back at Twilight and then smiles awkwardly.
"Cool, cool. You wanna play paintball or something?"
"Why not?"
"Awesome. Meet me at the usual spot in like, ten minutes?"
"Alright."
She BOLTS out of there like something's on fire.
Twilight opens her eyes.
"What... what just happened?"
You feel a little bad that you just let her get hit like that.
You step over and help her up.
"Dash wrecked you."
Twilight squints and surveys her surroundings, then mumbles something quietly to herself.
She looks back at you.
"So um... are you busy today?"
"Oh, sorry. Just made plans with Dash."
She frowns at this. She looks disappointed, but also a little... angry?

This is it.
This is IT.
You're fucking dead and you know it.
You whip your head all around, desperate to find even one sign of-
JESUS FUCK that hurts.
The back of your neck is green. You'll never get used to their paintball guns. You don't know if they've got heavier paint or something because of how colorful they are or maybe just stronger shots because they're more resistant to pain, but whatever it is you're not sure why you keep agreeing to play this game.
You swear, there's no good reason for you to play with her. It's not even CLOSE to fair with her able to fly and hide in the clouds.
She lands in front of you and poses.
"You gotta step your game up, Anon."
You rub the welt on your neck and roll your eyes.
"So, whaddaya wanna do now? The sun's not even down yet, so we've got basically forever."
"...Movies and booze?"
She nods.
"Movies and booze."
The two of you pick up your gear and start walking back to your place.
What's Twilight doing still wandering around town?
She spots you and Dash and starts heading for you.
For some reason, Dash steps closer to you.
Twilight doesn't look particularly happy.
"Oh, hello again Anon. Hello Rainbow."
She flips from happy chirps to acidic snarls when she turns to acknowledge your bro. Guess she's still pissed about the orbital bro cannon earlier.
"So, now that you're done PLAYING with Rainbow, is the rest of your evening free?"
"Sorry, Twilight. Dash and I aren't done."
At this, she steps even closer to you. She's practically pressed against you now.
"Oh... well okay then. I hope you and your BRO have a good time."
Your bro is scowling now. Maybe there's more going on here. Some long standing beef you don't know about.

"Thanks Twilight, I'm sure we'll have a great night. I hope you enjoy reading. Alone."
Twilight leaves in a huff.
"Bro, something I should know about?"
"Don't worry. I've got it covered."
"You sure? She seems to really have it out for you."
"She just hates it when her plans get messed up."
"You thwartin' her plans?"
"I guess? I don't know what that word means."
"Are you stopping her from getting what she wants?"
"Oh. Yeah, TOTALLY. But if you're gonna be an egghead throwing out words noone uses anymore, maybe I shouldn't be."
You quirk an eyebrow.
"She wants YOU."
You point at yourself in confusion.
"Yeah. It's Hearts and Hooves day and she's all alone, as usual."
You frown.
"Well that sucks."
"Not as much as what'll happen if she gets you."
"And that would be?"
"She'll never let you go! She'll cling to you day and night and you'll never get to go out and have any fun!"
You reel back in mock horror.
"I KNOW! Trust me, you don't wanna be tied down by her."
"Hey, you don't know my fetishes. Maybe I'm into that."
Her wings shoot up. Ponies are weird.
"But yeah, I see your point. I'd probably get to hang with you a lot less, and that'd be totally fuckin' lame."
She smiles.
"But why me?"
"Huh?"
"Why is she after ME? I'm not even a pony!"
Now she's blushing. Aw gross, you probably gave her a mental image she'll never fully scrub out. Sorry, bro.

"I... I dunno, she probably thinks it'll be easy. Since there are no other humans around, she probably thinks you're just as desperate and lonely as her."
You sigh.
"I guess it does get a little lonely, being the only one of my kind. If I think too much about it, it's kindof a bummer that I'm going to be forever alone."
She looks sad. Probably feeling sorry for you. Don't push your problems on her, bro.
"But it's not all bad. I've got you."
Her face lights up.
There you go. That's your bro.
"And besides, I'm not desperate. I'm doing fine. Putting my dick in a horse is pretty far down on my list of priorities right now."
She's blushing REAL hard. You're obviously making her uncomfortable talking about interspecies erotica.
You make a mental note to steer clear of the topic in front of your bro. It's not her thing, and you don't wanna gross her out.
"So. I believe we were on our way to booze and movies?"
She shakes her head.
"Nope. Movies and booze."
"Of course. I'm such a dumbass. What would I do without you?"
"Date Twilight."
You're about to crack a joke about doing a lot more than just dating her, but you stop yourself.
"Let's forget about her."
Your bro is beaming, obviously very pleased with your decision.
On your way back, you shiver a little. Kinda cold out tonight.
Dash sees you shaking and puts a wing around you like.
"Thanks, bro."
She nods and doesn't say anything.

You've had... one, two, three... a lot. You've had a LOT of drinks.
But it fuckin'... it's all good. You're great. You feel GREAT!
You and your bro are having a great time.
She's pretty fucked up too. Had at least as many drinks as you. Maybe even more.
Like, she's playin' a drinking game or something. Pretty much every time you say the word bro she takes a shot.
She usually doesn't look very happy about it. You can sympathize. Cheap tequila is AWFUL.
"So bro-"
She downs another shot of the not-so-good stuff.
"What about you?"
"Yeah, what ABOUT me?"
"The... the day."
"Uwha?"
"Hearts 'n... Hearts 'n Hoofsies Day or whatever. You're not as pathetic as her, right? You're not alone every year?"
She stares at the floor.
"Like, yeah, you're not seein' anyone THIS year, but that's 'cuz you're busy saving me from Twilight... TwiLONE Spar... some kinda witty thing where I make her name into an insult."
"No... no way. Bros before hoes, right? If I had a special someone... a special some PONY in my life, I'd have less time to kick it with you."
"Yeah, but you don't always have to like... BE with 'em! You can just fuck 'em and leave 'em."
"Heh heh... yeah."
"You know what we should do tomorrow?"
"What?"
"We should go out and get you LAID. I'll... I'll be your wingman! It's fuckin' perfect, 'cuz you actually have WINGS!"
The two of you find this inexplicably hilarious.

You stop laughing first.
"So how about it?"
"Eh... I dunno."
"Hmm, I guess I don't know much about how you ponies flirt or whatever, so I'd probably be a pretty awful wingman. I can respect that."
"It's cool. You don't have to do that for me."
"But I WANT to. If you're happy, I'm happy. It feels good to help out a bro."
She winces.
"So alright. What, uh, what were we talking about earlier? Before I said the wing thing and got my comedian cutie mark?"
"Huh? Oh. Uh..."
You're just drunk enough to wonder, so while Dash is shifting mental gears you pull your pants down just a little and try to get a good look at your ass.
Her wings are doing that thing again. HAH! WINGS! WING-MAN! GOD DAMN YOU'RE HILARIOUS.
"I was just saying, y'know, bros uh... before hoes. Or whatever."
She's looking out the window for some reason.
"Cool, cool. Hey, what's going on out there?"
You get up and start to walk toward the window.
She turns and looks at the corner of the room.
You don't see anything out there.
You open the window and lean out, looking left and right before giving up and going back to the couch.
Huh... you left the window open, but the draft feels kinda weird.
RIGHT. Your pants are still sagging down from when you were checking out your ass.
Your bro is just trying to avoid getting those awkward images stuck in her head.
You smile sheepishly and pull your pants back up.
"Sorry about that."
"Heh... don't worry about it, it was nothing."
There's an akward silence.
"Hey, Anon? Do you-"
You jump back to your feet to interrupt loudly. You remembered something important.
Since it's important, you're allowed to interrupt.
Drunk logic. Flawless victory.

"Why aren't we watching movies right now?"
Dash looks at the TV and notices you're astute observation is correct. The last movie ended and you haven't started a new one.
"Because... you didn't put in the next one?"
You point and wink.
"Clever girl."
You start the next movie and plonk down next to Dash.
Her wings are still way up. That... that's no good. It's cold now because of the window, but when her wings are all stiff like that they can't do that nice blankety-wrappy thing that gives you all the warms.
As alcohol consumption goes up, respect for personal space goes down.
Besides, she's your bro. She won't mind. You're really helping her out, here. It can't feel good having a muscle all tense like that.
This way is better, because then she gets more relaxed and you get more wingy blanket.
You reach over and start kneading the muscles near the base of her wing.
She yelps and scoots away from you.
"Sorry, bro. You looked tense. Just... just tryin' to help."
She's blushing again, but you don't really notice.
She sheepishly slides back toward you and turns, presenting her wings to you.
"It's... it's fine. You just surprised me, is all."
You don't know much about massaging, but you figure that since you have hands instead of hooves you're automatically three times better than any pony.
You get to work, and quickly find yourself disappointed with your lack of skill. She's not relaxing at all. If anything, her wings are getting MORE tense.

Figuring you can't fuck it up any worse than you already are, you let your attention drift to the movie.
High speed chase. Nice.
You fail to notice the quiet moans escaping from Dash. Or the way her eyes are squeezed shut. Or the way she's biting her lip.
You might notice that she's shuddering, but if you do you automatically filter it out, assuming it's your own lack of motor skills while drunk. Same way the world isn't REALLY spinning. It's all you.
You get lost in the movie for a few minutes, eventually snapping out of it when you feel Dash shaking a bit.
You turn away from the TV and stare at her erect wings.
"Am I doing this right? You're still really stiff."
She doesn't say anything. Maybe she passed out?
"Dash?"
Her wings suddenly flop down onto the couch. Ponies are weird.
"You okay, bro?"
"I... I think I'm gonna go home."
"Huh? Why?"
"I just... I can't..."
Is she crying?
"Look, it's late, okay?"
You look over at the clock. It's kinda late, you guess.
"Alright... see you tomorrow?"
"Y-yeah. Sure."
She trudges out the door. Something's got her really down.
You decide the rest of the movie doesn't matter. You're gonna go pass out, and tomorrow you'll figure out what's eating your bro.

In the morning, you clean up a little bit. You don't remember causing half the mess that's out here.
Are those... bite marks on your couch cushion?
Man, maybe you should cut back on the booze.
Or, y'know, not. You flip the cushion over and forget about it.
You head out to go catch your bro and solve some problems.
On your way over you run into Twilight.
"Oh, hi Anon... how was, um... how was your night last night?"
"Huh? Oh, it was fine I guess. Listen, I need to go talk to Dash."
"She didn't... stay at your place?"
"Why would she do that?"
"Oh... I thought. Huh. Nevermind. I'll... see you around?"
"Sure, I guess."
Why would Dash want to sleep on your couch when she's got her MAGNIFICENT CLOUD BED she keeps lording over you? Whatever.

You start yelling at clouds. You know Dash's house is up there, but you still feel like a dumb piece of shit for it.
After a while, she flutters down.
She looks terrible. Like she didn't get any sleep at all. Her eyes are all red and her feathers are a mess.
"Hey, Anon."
Her voice is hoarse, too.
She didn't drink THAT much more than you, did she?
"You look like hell, bro."
"That bad, huh?"
"Yeah. What happened?"
"I had a rough night."
"You were fine when you left my place. You get into a fight on your way back?"
"I wasn't... y'know I'm..."
She starts to look a little angry. The fuck?
"I guess it really is a good thing I stopped Twilight from getting to you."
"Bro, what's wrong? Come on, I've got your back."
"No, you don't, Anon. You're an idiot."
Wait, what?
"Bro, help me out here, what did I do?"
She growls at you.
"Yeah, I did Twilight a favor."

You're headed back to your house.
You feel pretty shitty. Your bro is really pissed at you, and you don't know why.
Fucking Twilight Sparkle pops up again. What is she, stalking you?
"So Anon, are you doing anything tonight?"
Well, not anymore you're not. What's the worst that could happen? Maybe Twilight's secretly a total bro.
"No, why?"
She blushes.
"Do you... want to do something? Together?"
You look her up and down once.
"Have you ever had any alcohol?"
"Well, I went to a wine tasting once, does that count?"
You sigh and shake your head. Tonight is probably going to suck.
"Nevermind. Come by my place after you eat dinner. We'll... watch some movies or something."
"REALLY?"
"Sure, why not."
She spouts off something about needing to study for tonight. You have strong doubts about her bro-tential.
You start wondering what you're gonna do now without Dash.
Most of the other ponies suck, and you don't want to be all alone.

Twilight was perfectly willing to try some drinks.
Some ended up only being three before she could barely stand.
You put on a movie full of explosions and awesome, and she wouldn't SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Every other scene, she slurred out some little factoid about explosions or chainsaws that neither of you cared about.
You could tell she didn't care. She just wanted to seem interesting and knowledgeable. Like she had forced herself to memorize 'cool' facts to appeal to you.
Why are you even doing this?
You should be with your bro right now, not this shitty unicorn.
"Hey Twilight?"
"Yeeees?"
She bats her eyelashes at you. Ugh.
"I think maybe we should... call it a night."
She opens her eyes wide.
"Oh, Anon... I don't think I can make it to the bed. My legs are so wobbly..."
"What? No-"
She did some sort of falling-tackle and is lying on top of you.
"Oops! See? I can't even stay seated!"
You sigh heavily.
"Twilight, I know what you're trying to do."
"Anon, I don't know what you're talking about."
"Yes you do, Twilight. I'm not stupid. How much do you weigh?"
She blushes and bats her eyes.
"ANON! You should never ask a mare that question! It's one of the first rules in the Modern Equestrian Guide to Courtship!"
"Look, I know you're not an experienced drinker, but there's no way you're this far gone. You still remember all your little 'fun-facts' perfectly. You just add the slurr on top."
She breaks eye contact.

"Look, Twilight, I'm sure you're a pretty cool pony in your own way... you just don't work for ME."
"But... but Anon-"
"Twilight, I know you're lonely. I'm lonely, too. But this isn't the answer. Are you even having a good time, pretending to be drunk and memorizing facts that don't interest you?"
"N...no..."
"Then don't. Some pony can probably make you very happy, but that's not me."
"You can't know if you don't try!"
She rushes forward and puts her lips on yours.
Your window shatters and you instinctively dive away from the glass.
You pull Twilight with you.
"See Anon? You do care about me!"
"GET AWAY FROM HIM!"
Bro?
All you see is a blur of blue and purple as you tumble and spin across the floor.
DAMN she's fast.
Dash has Twilight pinned to the ground.
She's got a hoof pulled back, ready to throw a mean punch.
You grab her hoof and pull her up off of Twilight.
"Dash, what the hell do you think you're doing?"
"Stopping you from making a big mistake!"
Twilight clutches your leg.
"Oh THANK you Anon!"
You shake your leg and she loses her grip.
"Shut it, nerd."
Dash slumps to the floor.
"Huh? But I thought..."
"Dash, listen, I don't know what you were doing outside my window. I don't know what I did to make you so upset. But I do know that you're right. Me and Twilight? Wouldn't work. I was trying to let her down gently, and she got a little frisky. That's all."

Dash laughs sheepishly.
"Twilight, I think you should go home."
She looks at you, then Dash, then you.
She hangs her head and walks out without another word.
"Now Dash, seriously, what the fuck?"
"It looked like you two were making out!"
"No. Yeah, I got that. Before. What did I DO? I can't help you if I really don't know, and I want to help you. I don't like seeing you unhappy."
"You were... I wanted..."
"Sentences, Dash. You need to put your words in an order I can understand."
She about to cry. God damnit, what is WITH girls and crying?
"Come on, you're tougher than this. You're Rainbow Fucking Dash!"
She sniffs back some of the tears and gives you a little smile.
"There you go. There's my bro."
Her face instantly falls. She's holding back the tears, but she starts making those choking sobbing motions anyway.
The fuck, man?
"Bro, listen..."
She's losing it...
Wait...
"Do... does it... is the word 'bro' a problem?"
She nods.
You think back to last night. She downed a shot pretty much EVERY time you said bro.
Fuck, you suck. That was REALLY obvious. A DRINKING GAME? What are you, retarded?
"Okay. Okay, Dash. I'm gonna stop using that word, but I'm pretty sure that's not the whole problem. Something else has to be going on, or you wouldn't take it this hard. Help me out here. When did last night go south for you? You seemed to be having a pretty good time for a while."
She mumbles something quietly, blushing the whole time. You only manage to pick out the words 'cutie mark'.

You think back to what sort of dumb shit you might've pulled while you were drunk off your ass.
Right. Your ass. You were looking for a cutie mark.
You try to lighten the mood.
"Is that it? Did my pasty white ass traumatize you? I understand. Nobody should have to see me with my pants off."
There go her wings, and she's refusing to make eye contact again.
Wings... shit, yeah, didn't you try to give her a massage? What the fuck were you thinking, man? You don't know SHIT about massages.
You put on a more serious face.
"Did I hurt you with my awful attempt at a massage?"
Her wings get even stiffer and if you could only see her face you'd swear her coat was red.
Now you're blushing a little.
"Did I... accidentally grope you or something? I swear I didn't mean to. I think. I was pretty drunk, but I think it had something to do with blankets."
She shakes her head.
A gust of cold air blow in through the window.
You look at all the glass and feel relieved nobody got hurt.
Huh, the couch cushions got knocked off somehow. Pulled down with you and Twilight?
Are those... bite marks?
Shit, right. Okay. Last night is coming back to you.
You went on a stupid little cutie mark crusade, and then you opened the window.
It got cold, and you got all up in Dash's grill trying to use her wing like a blanket.
But it was too stiff. So you went for the massage to relieve some of the tension.
And then... the movie was cool, then Dash got quiet, then she left?
That's about all you can remember happening.
So somewhere between partially removing your pants and giving her an unsolicited massage, you managed to push some buttons.
Now what about either of those could POSSIBLY offend a girl?

"I'm... I'm sorry about... well, being a dumb shit last night. I was way out of line. Too much to drink, you know how it goes."
She's calming down. Even smiling a little. Showing her you care and admitting your mistakes. Who would've thought those would work?
"Anon, that's not it. I'm... I'm not mad that you did something stupid with your butt while you were drunk. That's like, a requirement for declaring a party a success. One or more butt incidents per dozen partiers."
"And what, the massage was okay too? Drunken massages are not necessary for parties, and are in fact frowned upon in many situations."
She laughs and her smile grows.
"Yeah, the massage was okay. It was better than okay. It was really, REALLY good. Probably the best I've ever had. Seriously. You've gotta teach some ponies how to do that."
Well alright, you may have been drunk but you weren't WRONG. Take that, hooves.
You wiggle your fingers at her.
Her smile loses a little bit of its lustre.
"Oh. Anyway, look, Anon. You've never done ANYTHING wrong to me. Everything you've ever done for me has been great. The problem is what you DIDN'T do. What you didn't pick up on. It's kindof unbelievable how dense you are and the things you miss."
"What, are you telling me there's an elephant in the room that I can't see?"
She snickers and reaches for the cushion on the floor.
She holds it up to your face.
"What do you see here?"
"Comfort and style in one convenient package."
"Okay, and? What makes THIS package different from the others?"
"The... bite mark? So what, somebody bit it once. Drunk happens."
"You see, Anon? This is what I'm talking about. You're an IDIOT. That bite mark is from me."
"So? You were just as drunk as I was."

She groans in frustration.
"WHEN did I bite your couch?"
"I don't know. Eight forty five?"
"UGH, no! When we watched movies, my face was not in biting position. When was it?"
The massage? But she said it was really good! Why the fuck would you bite something when you were super relaxed?
She wasn't. She kept getting more and more tense... and then after all that buildup, her wings just... flopped down.
You... she...
She doesn't like it when you call her bro.
She comes over to your place all the time to be with you.
She's got your back, and you've got hers.
She broke through your window to beat the shit out of the girl trying to steal you away.
And she came over on the most romantic day of the year, and you gave her a massage...
Her wings are very... sensitive, and they always go stiff around you.
Like when you slipped your pants halfway off.
Right before giving her the massage.
Well FUCK, no wonder she's mad at you for 'not getting it.'
Were you always this retarded when it came to women, or is this a new thing?
"Dash, I..."
"It's... it's okay, Anon. I'm mad at you, but I still... I'm not gonna turn my back on you over this."

And then right here I have a 'good end' that I actually think is kinda shitty. I'm considering doing a neutral or bad end, because they'd have to be better than THIS:

"Hold that thought. I need to see if I've got a cutie mark for being a total shitpile."
You slide your pants down just a little to take a look.
Up go the wings.
"Now are you sure you're not gonna turn your back on me? It's a lot easier to massage your wings if you face away from me."

Nope, too late and too tired. Sorry 'bout this one.

RAINBRO FUCKING SHOOT ME NOW GOD DAMN

Walkin' around town for no good reason.
Fuck off, it's a free country. You can take a walk if you want.
Might be time to get something to eat. You skipped breakfast this morning.
You look around and realize you NEVER go out to eat around here.
With nothing to go on, you pick a place at random.
Sit down, waitress hands you a menu.
Alright, some of this actually looks pretty good. At first you were super pissed off that you couldn't have delicious meat any more, but you got over it.
You barely even miss beef or anything. Except bacon, of course.
FUCK what you wouldn't give for some bacon.
What are those loud wet sloppy noises coming from the next booth over?
Ah, two young punks who are so into making out you could probably steal their food and they wouldn't notice.
The filly looks familiar, but you can't place her. Her big stupid bow is in the way, so you can't really see the colt.
Right, hungry. Pick some food. The latest gossip about who's making out with who doesn't interest you.
God, how long has it been since YOU got to make out? You'd been single for half a year before you wound up in Equestria, and you're losing track of how long you've been here...
Fuckin' whatever. Food. Pick.
You flag the waitress down and she takes your order and trots off.
"THERE HE IS!"
Bwuh?
Two ponies come charging at you, looking real happy to see you.
Fans?
Your... uniqueness... is apparently a reasonable draw. It's not unheard of for ponies to come to Ponyville just to meet the human.
You usually don't mind.

Your fans for the day are two pegasai. One of 'em looks familiar.
You idly wonder why so many ponies 'look familiar' even though you can't positively identify them. Do all ponies look the same to you? Do you only THINK you recognize them? Or maybe a bunch of ponies really do look identical. There are only so many color combinations...
No, that's stupid. They're not all two-toned. You've got cases like Dash.
Oh shit - you DO recognize one of these ones!
The one on the left is one of the Wonderbolts. You agree they're pretty awesome, but you're not quite as obsessed as your bro is. You don't have all of them memorized.
But you're positive about it. That pony right there is totally a Wonderbolt.
Aw man, your bro would FLIP. HER. SHIT. If you got her an autograph.
Just play it cool and give these guys what they want. Stay on their good side.
"'Sup?"
"You're Anon!"
"Yeah, that's what they call me. Anything in particular I can do for you?"
The one you don't know holds up a camera and grins.
"Sure, why not?"
The two of them brohoof.
One of them takes a picture of his bro with you, and then they swap.
You narrow your eyes and rub your chin.
"Say, aren't you a Wonderbolt?"
"Who, me?"
"Yeah. Your face is familiar."
"Well, yeah. Name's Soarin'."
"Right, right. Hey, could you do me a little favor real quick?"
"Sure!"
"Could you sign..."
You feel a light panic as you realize you've got nothing for him to sign.
You grab a napkin.
"This?"
"Sure. Just, 'To Anon' or what?"
"Oh it's not for me. No offense. It's for my best bro Dash."

His eyes widen just a little.
"No kiddin'?"
"She's a pretty big fan of you guys."
He gulps nervously.
"Say, since we're trading favors anyway... y'know, you with the pictures and then me with the autograph... could you maybe... could you do one more thing for me?"
Now you're interested. Before he was excited. Now he's jittery.
"Could you maybe hook a brother up?"
You cock an eyebrow.
"You and Dash are tight, yeah? Maybe you... put in a good word for me?"
You push as hard as you can and manage to cock your eyebrow an inch more.
His buddy leans in like he's going to whisper something to you.
"HE WANTS TO FUCK HER!"
Soarin' clamps a hoof over the guy's mouth and gives him a good punch to the gut.
He falls down.
"...worth it."
Well alright. This is... this is actually probably really great. The whole time you've been here, your poor bro has been just as single as you. And now you get to hook her up with one of her idols.
Fuck yeah. You are the BEST bro.

That night you and Dash are watchin' shitty movies, as usual.
You told Soarin' that you'd have her meet him tomorrow for their date, but you haven't told her yet.
You decided it'd be awesome to spring it on her as a surprise, but you haven't come up with anything clever yet.
You're not getting any more sober, and the likelihood of a stroke of genius is rapidly decreasing.
Fuck it. Just hint at it and let her know where she needs to be.
"So hey, bro, there's a... I got... tomorrow is a, um..."
She's watching you with a weird look on her face.
"Goddamnit, this was supposed to be a thing... I tried to plan something."
"Anon?"
"I just... I wanted to surprise you, but words are fuckin' hard."
Her breathing gets a little more shallow.
"Surprise me with what?"
And to think you were actually considering a career in writing, once.
You scribble down the time and address where she's supposed to meet her date and hand her the paper.
"Be there. You... you won't be disappointed. If I know you half as well as I think I do, it'll be a dream come true. You've been waiting a long time."
She looks confused, but puts on a hopeful smile.
Damn you're bad at this. Give her some kind of clue you twat.
"Look, ever since I got here, I don't think I've ever seen you on a date. Being alone that long can suck. Believe me, I know. I'm... I'm in the same boat."
Now she's blushing. Thinking about all the potential studs you might've lined up for her? Trying to guess who it could be?
And you got her a WONDERBOLT. Fuck yeah. You are the BEST bro.

Tomorrow you hang with Pinkie. Your bro will be busy, and with any luck, BUSY, all day, so you needed something to do.
Pinkie's pretty cool, you guess. She's got a lot of random and interesting talents, and she's pretty damn funny. Yeah, she's alright.
The two of you are dicking around in her kitchen, fucking up recipes left and right. Mostly you, actually. She's letting you call the shots because it'll 'be more interesting that way' or something.
That was probably the worst decision of her life.
Long story short, she's got a broken leg, you've got a cracked rib, Mr. and Mrs. Cake need to remodel both of their bathrooms, and neither of you are allowed within ten miles of Hoofington ever again.
No, you didn't leave the kitchen.
No, you're not sure what the fuck just happened, but you're damn sure you don't want to talk about it.
OH GOD THE CINAMMON. WHY WAS THERE SO MUCH CINAMMON?
Right. Suppressing that memory, you decide to call it a night and head back to your place.
It's pretty early, but you've never really had much fun drinking alone and you don't wanna bother your bro. Bros before hoes and all, but there's a LIMIT, y'know? She's had a MASSIVE dry spell.
You can only imagine the blueballs.
Wait, no. That's wrong. That's like... double wrong. You don't need to imagine, 'cuz you're there too.
And your bro is a chick. She doesn't have balls. What's the equivalent of blueballs for ladies?
Whatever it is, it had to be pretty fuckin' blue until today. Especially given that Dash is ACTUALLY blue.

Stupid things coincidentally line up in the most convenient (or inconvenient) way ALL THE FUCKING TIME around here. Sometimes, you swear someone's manipulating the whole world.
Guess what?
Your bro just happened to be lying against a tree that just happened to be on your way back and you just happened to be looking the right direction to notice.
Shit was pretty dark, but the angle of the moon or some fuckin' shit was just right so you could recognize her.
Miracles.

She's... alone though. That can't be good. You walk over.
"You okay?"
She bolts up, startled by your voice.
"Oh... h-hey Anon. What are you doing out here?"
She takes a step back.
"Just headed home. Had an... interesting day at Pinkie's. I don't see your date. Did it... not go well?"
"It was f-fine."
Her voice is cracking a little.
"So why are you out here alone?"
"I, um... he and I... didn't want the same thing."
You sit silent for a minute, contemplating what she might've meant.
"What, like anal?"
"N-no!"
She's blushing bright enough that you could probably see it from the main road.
Huh... you wouldn't have guessed she was into that.
"A-anon?"
"Yeah?"
"Why... did you set me up with him?"
"It was actually his idea. I was just gonna get you his autograph."
"Really?"
"Yeah. I dunno, I guess you're pretty hot stuff. Oh, shit, the autograph. I've still got it. It's on a napkin, though. Hope that's okay. You uh... you want it, right?"
Her blush fades and is replaced with a more standard enthusiasm.
Your bro seems fairly content. So okay, the setup wasn't perfect and your bro still needs to get laid, but at least you're not a complete fuckup. You got her the autograph.
"It's back at my place. Hell, it's still a little on the early side. Wanna get shitfaced?"

Somehow or other, the list of priorities gets skewed and you both dive straight for the booze.
The autograph sits on a dresser in your bedroom while the two of you down shot after shot and talk about whatever. Stuff and junk.
"So, Anon... you uh... you got any other plans to hook me up?"
Aw man, now you're down. Tonight was starting to pick back up, and you had to be reminded that you failed your bro. Worse than that, you got her hopes up and THEN failed her.
AND you don't have any kind of backup plan.
"No... not really."
She frowns.
"You... you sure? None at all? You don't know any other... eligible bachelors?"
You snicker. 'Eligible bachelors', when did she turn into Twilight? What is she, a thesaurus or something?
She stomps a hoof.
"Hey! It's not that funny! You're alone, too, you know!"
Oof.
"Low blow, bro. That's not what I'm chuckling about."
"Oh... sorry. I guess maybe... I'm just more upset about today than I thought I was."
"It's cool. I'm sorry, too. I'm the one who set you up with him without actually checking him out first. He coulda been a furry or something."
"A what?"
"Nevermind. Point is, you need to get a dick in you."
Her wings shoot straight up and she stares at the ground.
"...You... You ARE straight right?"
She nods without lifting her gaze.
"Good. I'd feel like a total ass if I was setting you up with the wrong ponies."
She winces a little.
"You shouldn't go out of your way to get ME laid when you're no better off, Anon. You deserve to find somepo... someone just as much."
You sit up straight.
"Hey, I've got a crazy idea."

She's staring at you. Something is really weird about her eyes right now.
"How crazy?"
"Well for starters, it involves Pinkie. So there's that."
"What, are we gonna drug some cupcakes or something and have our way with the bodies?"
"What? NO. Where would you even... where do you GET an idea that fucked up? Besides, wouldn't they taste it?"
"You could probably cover it up with a bunch of cinnamon or something."
Your pupils shrink to pinpricks. This must be what Vietnam flashbacks are like.
Those poor foals.
And that dragon!
OH GOD THE HONKING MAKE IT STOP
Dash grabs you by the shoulders and shakes you.
You snap out of it.
"Uh... sorry. What was I saying?"
"Crazy idea."
"Yeah, right. Okay, so tomorrow we go to Pinkie's."
"Okay, and then?"
"We have her set up a BIIIG party."
"Not following you, but continue."
"But it's no ordinary party. It's a... shit, there's probably a word for it... it's the thing."
"That's GENIUS."
"Oh shut up. I just... okay look, all the ponies who show up are single. And then there are little events, and everybody mingles and gets to know eachother. All the singles mix it up."
You slap a palm up to your face. Singles mixer. Shut up, words are hard.
Dash has a faraway look in her eyes. Like she's thinking about something real hard.
"And what about you?"
"What ABOUT me?"
"Do you...?"
"Well I don't know what you thought I was gonna do, but since I'm gonna be living here for as long as anyone can tell I'd probably better find a way to get some myself."

As expected, Pinkie was more than willing to put together a nice party.
She even threw herself into the ring. You thought she already had a boyfriend. Rocky or something.
You're out on the dance floor, trying to figure out if you look more or less retarded than the ponies. Their moves are really weird, but you're sure yours are just as foreign to them.
It felt a little awkward at first, putting yourself out there romantically with nothing but ponies around, but nobody's going to judge you here. Interspecies couples are only slightly unusual here, and generally pretty well accepted. Besides, can it really be wrong for two mentally sound adults to be together?
You've gotten REAL good at rationalizing this so you don't feel like a horse-fucking freak.
You sick bastard, you.
Pinkie keeps chatting up unicorns and making... interesting gestures while pointing at their horns. Good luck with that.
Dash is around here somewhere. You keep getting short glimpses of her as she's moving from one place to another, but you never see her stopping and hanging with anyone. You hope it's just bad timing and she's having some fun.
You've talked to quite a few mares that you THINK are probably attractive, but you can't really tell. Evaluating horses sexually is a new experience for you.
One of 'em seemed pretty cool. What was her name? Mary Scrunch? You don't remember. She started smiling any time you mentioned alcohol.
You wobble on over to the punch bowl.
What, you didn't think the punch was spiked? Of COURSE it was. Everyone's a little wobbly.
Oh, here comes your bro.
"Hey Anon, any luck?"
You shrug.
"I dunno. I guess there's nothing really WRONG with any of these ponies, but I'm just not... hitting it off. Like, a couple of times I thought about just heading home."

She puts a hoof on your shoulder.
"Aw, don't do that. I'm sure you'll find somep0ny. You just gotta keep looking."
You smile at her.
"Thanks. I'm gonna go back out there."
You turn to walk away, but she gives your shoulder a slight tug with her hoof. She still hasn't let go.
"Hm?"
She looks away for a second.
God, you know what you almost did? Your bro here was trying to cheer you up and make sure you have a good time, and you didn't even ASK if she was doing any better.
"Hey... have you th-"
"You have any... oh, sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt. You first, Dash."
"Nah, it's... not important. What were you gonna ask?"
"I was just wondering if your luck was any better than mine."
"Oh. Uh... not really. Same story as you, I guess. Most of these guys are just... lame. They're missing something, y'know?"
You nod.
Her eyes start sliding around the room.
"How many ponies do you think there are here?"
"I dunno. We could always ask-"
Suddenly Pinkie's right next to the two of you.
"About forty mares and twenty stallions. And you, Anon."
You frown in Dash's direction and turn back to Pinkie.
"Were there not any more stallions around?"
"Don't worry about it. Tonight, everypo...everyone is going to leave here happy."
"Are you sure about that?"
"I'm as sure as you were that one more teaspoon of cinnamon wouldn't hurt."
You shudder.
"That doesn't inspire much confidence.
"Well it SHOULD. You were totally positive!"

After another unsuccessful round, you end up meeting Dash by the punch again.
"I know parties are Pinkie's thing and all, but I'm having doubts about this."
Dash frowns.
"I mean don't get me wrong, the party's great. It's just... I've talked to almost every mare here, and I'm sure you're pretty close to running out of stallions by now.
She nods.
"Yeah, I've got like two targets left. But you've still got some options. Look around. Think about it. I'm sure there's at least one-"
She gulps.
"...worthwhile mare left here."
You shake your head.
"Maybe we should leave now? Pinkie said everyone was going to leave happy, and if we try EVERY p0ny here and nothing works, we're definitely gonna feel like shit. We could just quit now and keep some hope alive."
You don't notice the blush she hides behind the cup of punch.
"Alright. I guess... I guess the two of us could just go back to your place?"
"Yeah, that sounds good."
The two of you turn and start heading out.
Dash is quieter than usual.
"How drunk are you, Anon?"
"Not enough. Step 1, we go drink everything I've got left."
She gives a tiny nod.
"Step 2, we do... whatever, I don't even know."
She doesn't say anything.
"Step 3, tomorrow we forget all about this crap."
Her head hangs a few inches lower. She stops making eye contact.
Yeah, you said it with an upbeat voice, but you understand.
You feel like shit about it too.

The two of you are quietly drowning your livers.
Shit sucks, bro.
You regret every suggesting that stupid party. It was... it was stupid is what it was.
Yeah, it sucks that Dash is forever alone, but that shouldn't be too hard to fix. With your newfound ability to rate horse sexiness, you're like 75% sure she's hot.
And really, how fucked up do you have to be to be considering putting your dick in a horse? You should just be grateful you've got your bro.
The best course of action is to drink SO much that you can't remember today at all, and then keep doing like you were doing, hanging with your bro.
Maybe once in a while send a dude her way if he seems cool enough.
You'd like it if at least ONE of you could be happy.
NO. Stop that. You were happy a few days ago, weren't you?
You don't need somepo...someBODY to be happy. You just need booze and bros, right?
Speaking of, the bottle is empty. You get up to fetch more and stop to see if your bro needs anything.
You look at her and point at the bottle, raising one eyebrow while you do so.
"Nah. I'm... I've had enough."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. Listen, I... you know, maybe there was somepony you overlooked. There were like FORTY mares."
She can tell you're down about this whole thing. She's trying to cheer you up. What a bro.
Still, you left early on purpose.
"I guess there were still a few, but didn't we go over that? Like, it would feel so much worse if I DID try all of them and nothing worked."
She stands up.
"That's... that's a stupid attitude to have. That's a quitter, no, a loser attitude. Oh, I'll feel so much worse if I actually lose the race, so I'd better not try! You gotta... you need to..."

"I need to what? Trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results is insane. Those ponies weren't for me. It's that simple."
"Then go for a DIFFERENT one! Quit sitting here feeling sorry for yourself! Figure out what you want and go after it!"
"I don't see you going after any stallions!"
She groans in frustration and tackles you. She has you pinned to the floor.
"Come on, Anon. You're better than this! If those mares are lame, GO FIND A BETTER MARE."
"And where am I gonna do that?"
She punches a hoof into the floor, just a smidge to the left of your head.
"Why are you so LAME about this? What happened to the kickass Anon I fell in love with?"
She punches the same hoof into the same spot on the floor, leaving a pretty good dent.
"Why are you so useless and blind when it matters most?"
Another punch.
Wait, what did she say a second ago?
"Why do you have to be incapable of helping me out the one time I really need it?"
Whoa whoa, what now? When did you... wait, no what was the thing she said before?
Something wet lands on your face.
Is she... crying?
You reach up to put a hand on her shoulder, but as you do she closes her eyes and turns her head to the side.
Her muzzle is in your hand.
Neither of you move for a minute.
She opens her eyes and looks at you, but doesn't turn her head.
For some reason you're not sure of, you brush your thumb lightly against her.
"Dash, is there something you're not telling me?"

She pulls her head away from you and goes for one more punch.
She hits you square in the jaw and you pass out.
The next thing you know, you're waking up at noon on your floor with a splitting headache.
You pull yourself to your feet and stumble into your kitchen.
There's something on the counter.

Anon, I'm sorry about last night. It wasn't right of me keep insisting on something you didn't want, and it was out of line for me to hit you like that. I'm leaving town. I'm finally going to go join the Wonderbolts. Flying with them is the only thing I've ever really wanted.

The last sentence looks like someone spilled a few drops of liquid on it.
Actually, the whole thing looks odd.
It's not regular paper, and you think you can make out some writing on the other side.
Your head is killing you.
You flip it over.
It's the napkin.
Right there, as clear as day, is Soarin's autograph.

Now hold on ONE GODDAMN SECOND. You may be stupid. You may be a total asshole. But you're not COMPLETELY retarded.

If the Wonderbolts are the 'only thing she's ever really wanted', then WHY THE FUCK WOULD SHE LEAVE THE AUTOGRAPH BEHIND?

You ignore your headache and bolt out the door.

You get close to her house, but see her already flying off. She's wearing the uniform.
You turn and try to follow her on the ground, but come on. You can't keep up with Rainbow Fucking Dash.
You know what? Fuck it. If you're gonna be forever alone AND bro-less, you might as well live dangerously.
Maybe it's just the headache talking, but you swear this is the smartest day of your life. You know EXACTLY how to catch Dash.
You veer off course and make a mad sprint for Pinkie's.
You burst in through the front door and sweep your eyes across the room. She's not in the front.
You make for the staircase, but stop.
Are you FUCKING SERIOUS?
There's a four foot high pile of cinnamon blocking the staircase.
That doesn't even... who would... WHY?

Fuck it. FUCK IT. You know what? FUCK YOU CINNAMON!
You charge through it. It explodes into a dense cloud of suffering.
Your eyes sting and your throat burns, but you keep moving.
You reach the top of the stairs and start calling out for Pinkie, hacking and coughing between each breath.
"Anon? Oh what EVER are you doing here? For what possible reason would you confront your fears and come seeking my party cannon?"
"I need your, wait what?"
"Oops, did I say that part too early?"
You ignore it. Pinkie's a whole other level of insane that you just don't have time for now.
"Yes. Cannon. Now."
She smiles a WIIIIIDE smile and points into her bedroom.
You take a few steps before noticing the cannon already sitting just in front of the window and pointing up into the sky.
You briefly wonder why Pinkie was never your bro.

THIS IS THE STUPIDEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE.
If you live through this, you're NEVER going to try for any shortcuts. If you can't run there in time, you're not going.
This is suicide. There's absolutely no way this can work. Dash is a moving target, and, and... you don't know, something about wind resistance and cross breezes! The point is it's impossible and you're going to die and you're an idiot.
There she is. Probably. Hard to tell from this distance when she's wearing the uniform.
Her rainbow mane flaps in the wind.
Well, shit. Maybe it's not impossible. Maybe Pinkie's aim was absolutely perfect and you're going to ram right into her.
Still doesn't do anything to fix the part where you're going to die because you're way too high up and moving way too fast.
"DASH!"
You're yelling at the top of your lungs, but you're not sure it's enough. You can barely hear yourself up here.
"DAAAAAAASH!"
Her head swivels a little. She heard! She heard you, and now she's looking for the source of the noise.
She spots you.
Your heart stops for a moment. This is it. Your last few minutes. You'd better yell very loud and very important things.
You draw a blank. You're too distracted to say anything. You're having a textbook example of an epiphany. All the pieces are falling into place and you're realizing EXACTLY how dumb of a piece of shit you've been all this time.
Seriously? How the fuck could you not have picked up on any of the signs?
And then SHE FUCKING TOLD YOU! SHE SAID LOVE! HOW IN THE NAME OF BACON DID YOU MISS THAT?

And how are you now on the ground, seemingly safe and sound?
Dash is standing in front of you, breathing heavily.
"But I... you...cannon... falling?"
She points at the uniform.
"Wonderbolt material, remember? Now this had BETTER be important."

"Okay, first off? Badass. I don't think I've told you lately how awesome you are. Second, don't pull something this stupid again. Third, don't let ME pull something THAT stupid again."
She taps a hoof impatiently.
"Oh don't get like that with me. I understand everything now, and you're a hypocrite."
She's visibly shocked by the accusation.
"So you come chasing after me, stopping me from making my dreams come true, just so you can try to make me feel bad? No way. Not happening. I'm out of here."
You grab her shoulder.
"Listen. You went off on me for being a pussy, and maybe I was. But here you are doing the same thing. Figure out what you want and GO FOR IT, isn't that what you told me to do?"
"I'M GOING FOR IT RIGHT NOW! You're the only thing standing in my way!"
"I'm not in your way. You can blast right the fuck out of here at any time - we both know that. I don't think this is what you really want."
"And how would YOU know what I want?"
"I don't know, you tell me."
"That's not an answer!"
"Yes it is. I mean that I don't know what you want, and instead you TELL me what you want. That's exactly what you DID last night, and now here you are running away. You want to give speeches about being proactive and making a difference in your life? About taking steps to get what you want, or in your case what you DESERVE? Well here you are. Now why don't you reach out and take it?"
She tackles you.
She has you pinned to the ground.
You smile.

END

Shitty Trollestia is Shitty

Ugh, sunlight your mortal enemy... why can't it let you sleep?
Try to roll over. Total lack of resistance.
Drafty in here? No, wait, what is...
Fuck.
FUCK.
You're falling. You're like a billion miles up in the air for some reason and you're falling down fast and you're going to die oh god oh god oh god this is it fuck fuck fuck fuck
Calm down.
CALM THE FUCK DOWN.
Okay, okay, what?
The ground is still really far away. You have some time to think.
Scratch at the back of your head.
Wha? That's not quite right. Idly examine your ha...
Hoof.
Your hoof. Oh, okay.
Wait, WHAT?
Try to get a look at yourself.
You're... some sort of horse-thing?
Wearing some kind of tacky gold jewelry.
And you've got wings.
WINGS! YES!
WINGS MAKE FLYING GO DO IT DON'T DIE
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR FLY DON'T DIE USE WINGS

USE WINGS USE WINGS USE WINGS USE WINGS USE WINGS

SHUT UP GODDAMN YOU ARE TRYING THIS IS HARD, OKAY?

Oh, hello ground. It snuck up on you while you were flailing your wings.

Slam, crack, thud, boom - whatever sound effect happened on impact, take your pick.

That... didn't really hurt. Maybe this is some kind of fucked up dream?
Climb out of the crater you made and look around.
How are you even doing that? You've never walked on four legs before.
Maybe it's just easier than it looks?
Hey, a pond. Check your reflection, make sure that you weren't just hallucinating from the sheer panic of falling to your death.
Nope, totally a horse thing. With wings.
A horn? And some kind of retarded tiara/crown thingy?
Your hair... or... mane? Yeah, horses have manes. Your mane is sorta blowing in the wind even though there's no wind.
You'd like to wake up now, so you go to pinch yourself before realizing you have hooves and can't do that anymore.
How long are you going to be here? Shouldn't falling have made you wake up?
How do you even work this body? How are you going to like, eat? Bend your neck down and put your face in the food? WHAT are you going to eat?
Clothes? Bathing?
...
Masturbating? With HOOVES?

Oh look, another horse thing is running toward you.
It's got a horn too. And it's purple? There are no way you guys are horses.
You're some kinda... shit, you don't even know. Marshmallows?
This horse thing is right in front of you now, and it looks worried.
"Princess, are you okay?"

Princess?
You reach your hoof back and start trying to feel around for your genitals, but you aren't exactly where they are so you end up sortof rubbing yourself for a bit until you stumble on...
Definitely not a dick, that's for sure.
Well fuck, you guess you're the prettiest pony princess.
Why is that purple horse staring at you like that?
And blushing FURIOUSLY?
Right, you're touching yourself. Put your hoof down you sick fuck.
"Eheh... yes. I'm, um, fine?"
"I'm r-r... I'm really sorry, Princess. It's um... i-it's all my fault."
The horse is stammering and blushing and tripping over itself. You make a mental note that hoof->genital contact is not an acceptable activity in public.
Okay, you're disoriented and have no idea what's going on. Just make a show of wobbling and holding your head and let amnesia and wooziness excuse your actions.
"My head is... fuzzy. Who exactly are you?"
Its face goes completely pale. It looks more devastated than you've ever seen any creature.
Seriously. It's like... it's like this horse spent its entire life baking the perfect cake, then got married and had this cake at the wedding, and you burst in and ate its soon-to-be-spouse before shitting the remnants all over that cake.
Or, you know, some better analogy that doesn't completely suck nuts.

What the fuck are you waiting for? You're not a monster, do something to make this horse feel less awful!
"No my... um, faithful subject... please. I just... everything is so... I must have hit my head really hard when I landed? I am sure it will come back to me in time. I'm certain you are very important to me."
Another horse comes running in over the hill. This one is some dark blue color and has a horn. Oh look, this one has wings like you.
Why doesn't the purple one have wings?
"Sister, there you are! What just happened?"
The purple one runs over to greet the blue one.
"Oh Luna, it's terrible! Celestia has amnesia and it's all my fault!"
Okay then. Checklist, what do you know? Name - Celestia. Gender - horse word for lady. Job - royalty.
"Amnesia? Oh dear... this could be problematic."
You shake your head.
"I'm sure everything will be fine. Just, get a substitute for me until I remember some things."
"Princess, we can't really do that. I mean sure, Equestria can probably run its government for a little while, but Luna still isn't quite as capable as she used to be."
The blue one looks ashamed.
"It... it's true. I am not currently able to handle your charge, dear sister."
"Maybe I can do it anyway? What exactly is the problem that my royalness needs to resolve?"
The purple one is panicking.
"Oh, this is not good... there's no way. If you can't remember simple facts, there's no way you could remember how to perform a complex Level J magical ritual!"
"Twilight, please calm yourself. Let us return to the castle and think. There is still plenty of time."
You look back and forth between the two of them for a bit, still pretty lost here.

"Whoa whoa whoa, hold it... magic?"
Both of them go completely still as their eyes widen to maximum 'oh shit' capacity.
"Okay, complete amnesia isn't... isn't the end of the world. We can re-educate you. Let's just go one item at a time. I'll make a checklist, but we need to hurry. There is a LOT of ground to cover between magic kindergarten and Level J."
Suddenly, the purple horn is glowing and there's a paper floating around.
Snap, actual magical magic! Dis gon' be gud.
"First things first. Your name?"
"Uh... Celestia?"
"Okay, good. Name. Check. Progress! We can do this!"
A quill makes a mark on the paper. Damn, an actual checklist. You think you like this horse.

About an hour later, it's established that you don't know jack shit about ANYTHING here. Twilight-
That's the purple one's name, Twilight Sparkle. She's also a lady horse like you. Lady horses are called mares.
Learning is fun!
Right, so Twilight's been really helpful here. You're in 'Equestria' and are in fact one of two Princesses that rule the joint. There are no Kings or Queens. She's not sure why.
There are three kinds of ponies- right, that's uh... you're not horses. You're called ponies. There are three types. Pegasuseseses have wings and can fly. Unicorns have horns and can do magic. Earth ponies are unlucky as fuck and get nothing.
You and your sister won the pony lottery and get wings and horns and immortality, so that's great.
Unfortunately, the sun and moon don't move on their own and it's up to the two of you to make the planet not die. Each of you is naturally tuned to one of them, but can move the other in a pinch.

Some bad shit went down in the past, and your sister isn't as powerful as she used to be. Right now, she can't actually move the sun, so if you can't figure it out pretty fucking quick everyone is going to die.
There's a ton of other trivial shit that you don't have time to go over right now. Apparently you're Twilight's teacher or something, but really right now the whole preventing total pony extinction thing takes priority.
Now that you have a basic grounding in this world and what things are, it's time for magic. You get a two second rundown of how to turn it on, and suddenly everything is golden.
You're a total pro. A complete natural. All you needed was the most basic fundamental knowledge and the rest practically took care of itself.
In five minutes, you're up to level H. Everything is going to be okay because you're the God-Princess of ponydom and you have got this shit under control.
As a test, you give the sun a little push.
Whoops, pushed it a little too far - there goes an hour.
Not a problem, just push it right back!
Holy fucking shit this is amazing! You CAN MOVE THE STARS.
Giddy about your achievement, you prance about like a retard clapping your front hooves together.
Your sister cuts your merriment short to dump a bunch of bullshit royal duties on you, and the rest of the day is spent figuring out all the shit what you gotta do.
You and your sister work together to swap day for night, and she walks off satisfied.
All in all, that went pretty well. Complete amnesia oh shit everyone is going to die to pretty much fine with some memory loss in under a day.
Clearly you are the BEST Princess.

As awesome as you are, you have some trouble sleeping that night. There are still too many weird questions.
Why can't you remember anything? It wasn't hitting your head, because you were confused up in the air.
How are you so good at magic if you can't remember anything?
What exactly happened to put you up in the air and how is it Twilight's fault?
And then worst of all... how do you explain these... odd feelings?
No, not like that. Not that kind. It's like...
You don't want to hurt these ponies. You like them. But you want to...
It would just be so fun if...
You can't put your finger... hoof. You can't put your HOOF on it, but you want to do something to these ponies.
No, not like that.
Look it's... okay, your window faces east. You can't stand the sun all up in your grill every morning.
Now that you're the SUN GOD you can control that. You need to get up early enough that you can raise the sun, because everything goes to shit without sunlight.
You'd never dream of not raising the sun, but that's too early so you need to go back to bed.
Which wouldn't be a problem if the sun weren't blasting you in the face.
So what if... just, y'know, it's not like it would hurt anyone...
What if you just put the sunrise in the WEST instead?
You'd get to go back to bed AND satisfy that odd itch of yours.
You don't want to hurt the ponies, but you do want to... confound them.
You want to frustrate them. You want to trick them. Make them feel silly.
And you totally could.
AND you'd get to sleep in.

It is time.
You crawl out of bed, a complete zombie.
You open the window and stare into the empty horizon.
Decision. Moment of truth. Really though, who even gets hurt?
You raise the sun in the west.
You flop back onto the bed and a warm fuzzy feeling flows through you. All is right with the world. What is wrong with you?
The warm fuzzies gently carry you back to sleep, and you dream.

You're sitting at a computer, typing away with your hands.
Yes, hands. That's right... you have hands. You're not a pony. What's wrong with you?
You pinch yourself, and as expected you snap awake.
Pony again.
Temporarily shelving this conundrum, you smile as you slip out of your room.
You greet all the ponies you see like absolutely nothing is wrong, even though they're all very clearly on edge about something.
Pretty much every one of them makes three or four poorly disguised attempts to shift the conversation to the sun.
Gee, you wonder what they could possibly be upsetting them?
You giggle inwardly. You feel fucking GREAT.
All day, you pull stupid shit.

Offer a pony a complement on their outfit.
Stealth in a comment that implies they're fat.
Life is good.

Tap a pony on the shoulder.
Pretend it wasn't you.
Do it again.

Just had tea poured? Magic the tea away so the cup is empty as soon as they turn back around and smile politely as they refill the cup.
Watch them spin in place for ten minutes before they need to go get more tea.
Loving this feeling.

What are you doing, and why does it feel so good?

That night, you fall asleep much more easily and slide into another dream.
You're at the computer again. What exactly are you doing?
The internet. Right.
RIGHT.
You're a HUMAN. You live on EARTH. You frequent IMAGEBOARDS.
And suddenly the weird feelings make sense.
You're a massive troll. You remember now. Quite frankly, your attempts here are embarrassing and childish now that you realize what you were trying to do.
It's all so perfect. You're an unquestioned monarch. Your subjects lives literally depend on you.
You can do whatever you want, and these ponies will hardly (if ever!) dare to call you out on anything.
You idly wonder if the real Celestia was able to resist the urge to troll.
And where she is now.
And how you got here.

<There. Perfect place to stop.
<They'll all want to know what happens, and they never will.
<Man, hooves suck. These hands are WAY better.
<Hopefully Anon's figured out how to make a half-decent trollface in my old body.

Rainbro FUCK YOU BAD END

Background: life in Ponyville is miserable.
Nothing works for you because it was all designed for ponies.
Though a few excellent ponies accept you, the majority of the populace treats you like a leper and tries to avoid contact at all costs.
You can't really be of much help to any of them because you can't fly or do magic and aren't strong enough for the farm.
So you suck up resources without providing anything, driving the ponies who don't accept you to resent you more.
They fucking GAVE YOU a house. You can see why that might rustle some jimmies.
Celestia and Luna don't trust you. Any time they get near you they're extra suspicious and on edge. Whenever something is happening in Canterlot, they try to come up with reasons for you to stay behind.

You basically have three friends.
Twilight thinks you're interesting.
Pinkie likes EVERY creature capable of smiling.
Dash is your best bro.

Their friends are not fans of you.
Fluttershy thinks you're terrifying.
Rarity is polite about it, but you can tell your 'hairless ape' appearance disgusts her.
Applejack is always rude and dismissive toward you, but you have no idea why.

So basically, shitsux. Hanging with Twilight is okay, but a little on the boring side.
Pinkie's cool and has that magically infectious happiness. It's hard to feel sad around her.
And then Dash is just... god, you can't even really word it. She's probably your best friend?
Like, dropping the 'bro' for a bit and being all honest and touchy-feely, your true best friend.
More important to you than any other pony here. You haven't gotten all mushy on her and told her that, but you think she knows.
You're with her pretty much every day.

Today you're lounging around your place with Dash, doing whatever.
There's a knock at the door.
It's Twilight, and she's got a pretty creepy grin on. It looks like she hasn't slept in a few days, and her mane is a disaster.
"Anon! I need you to come with me. I think... you're going to like this."
Your curiousity is piqued, and you turn to Dash.
"Eh?"
She shrugs.
"Eh."
The two of you follow along behind a Twilight who happens to be bouncing along like she's Pinkie or something.
She bumps into her front door because she's not watching where she's going.
She is REALLY excited about whatever this is.
The door opens to reveal a massive (and rather frightening) contraption sitting in the middle of the room.
Think of a dentist's chair with some mining equipment hovering above it.
Twilight is motioning for you to sit there.
Fuck. That.
You turn around, ready to walk away.
"No, Anon! Stay! Sit! You'll love it, I swear!"
Dash leans around you to get a good look at it.
"Love WHAT Twilight? You haven't told him what it does."
She smacks herself in the face.
"Oh, silly me. I forgot. Sorry if I'm a little... out of it. It'll give you magic!"
You turn back around.
"What?"
"You sit there, I push some buttons, and in a few hours you have magic! It probably won't even hurt!"
You cringe at this. You're screaming at yourself for what you're about to do.
"Why not?"

You're screaming. At least, you think you are. You remember the part where you STARTED screaming, but you don't remember stopping and that loud, scream-like noise is still happening.
It seems like there are noises other than the screaming, but it's hard to tell.
How the FUCK could she think it wouldn't hurt to remove and reintroduce all your blood?
You don't even understand what she was talking about. Injecting midichlorians or some shit, you don't know.
Oh good, your senses are fading. That means this thing that you're doing now gets to stop being a thing and no more hurtings with the bad.
Words? Right, that ability also going now hey look black, wait no not look the opposite of look because look is gone and hear is gone and smell is gone which is why it's black which is not look and also it is not those other things.
When you wake up, your body hates you.
Your everything hurts.
You feel pain in places you don't even HAVE.
"Anon! I'm SO sorry, I guess I miscalculated something and... it really wasn't supposed to hurt!"
You try to sarcastically say 'that's comforting' but only manage to open your mouth and gurgle a bit.
"Careful there. Twilight really wrecked you. You probably won't be able to talk for a few hours, and you definitely won't be standing up for a couple of days."
You instinctively try to bolt upright.
It... doesn't go well.
You make the most distressed gurgle you can.
"Don't worry, I gotcha. I'm gonna take care of you, and Twilight is going to find some way to make it up to you."
Dash shoots Twilight a mean glare.
"ISN'T THAT RIGHT, TWILIGHT?"
Twilight squeaks. If you didn't know better you'd think Fluttershy was in the room.

"Okay Anon. You're on some cart thing with wheels. Don't freak out when you start moving, it's just me pushing you to your house."
Gurgle.

It's been a week.
You're just getting onto your feet again for the first time. You stand, and your legs don't try to kill you.
You draw up a list of things what need doing.
Priority numero uno, you go take a shower. You're filthy.
Priority b, you take the bedpan that you had to use for the last week and destroy it. It would thank you after what it has seen because...
Priority two, go cook some food. You've been eating Dash's cooking, and it is... well you're pretty sure starving African children would hit you for offering it to them.
You've been eating it anyway, and you haven't had the heart to tell her just how awful it is.
Plus you have a nigh insatiable craving for a burger, and lucky you there's some beef hidden away in your stash.
No you don't know the specifics. There was a shady looking pony offering meat at low prices and you couldn't resist.
You go take that shower and then bump into Dash in the hall.
She's been taking good care of you, aside from the food, and pretty much only leaving to go ask Twilight about your particular condition.
"Oh good, you're on your feet again!"
You smile and scratch the back of your head.
"Yeah. Listen, uh, thanks."
She blushes a little.
"No problem. Just, y'know, helping you out when you needed it."
Yeah, you're pretty sure she's the best thing in your life. Totally awesome and never lets you down. You should really tell her about those feels.

She's gone way above and beyond what's expected of bros, and it's important that you let her know you understand that and are willing to reciprocate. You try and fail to come up with a stronger term than 'best friend' to describe it.
"Really, I mean it. You're... you're important to me, and I don't say it enough. I'm really glad I met you."
Resolve sets across her face, like she just made a decision.
"I'll be right back. I gotta go to Twilight's."
She steps toward you and very carefully hugs you. You can tell she's being careful not to hurt you.
"You... you mean a lot to me, too."
She heads out the door and you move into the kitchen.
Forget the burger. The LEAST you can do is make something she'll love.

The next morning you feel... weird.
In a good way, though. Your whole body hums with a pleasant tingle and there's a definite spring in your step.
Dash is still at your place, refusing to go home until you're 100% better - which judging by how you feel you just might be.
She's asleep on the couch. She came back, had 'the best meal of her life' (her words) and passed out an hour or two later.
Maybe it's a lack of sleep catching up with her now that you're doing better and she can relax.
You tiptoe quietly past the couch into the kitchen to get some breakfast.
Awesome, the lightbulb is burned out.
You grab a fresh one and reach up as high as you can, trying to change it without having to move stand on any furniture.
You're SO CLOSE. You can almost... just like... another inch...
The busted bulb glows faintly and rapidly unscrews itself?
Yeah, that's what just happened. You were too surprised to catch it and it hit the floor with a *pop*, followed by the twinkle of glass shards scattering.
You hear Dash stirring.
Damn, there goes letting her sleep.

Still staying as quiet as you can, you set about breakfasting and before long Dash shuffles in.
"Oh, morning Anon. How... are you doing alright?"
She's got bags under her eyes.
"Oh yeah. I actually feel great! You don't look so good though. Didn't sleep well?"
"Not exactly. That couch is actually really comfy, I just... well it doesn't matter. It's not a problem."
She stares at you for a while.
"Something on my face?"
"Huh? Oh, no I just... you say you're feeling really good? Like... how good?"
She starts to walk over to where you're sitting and almost steps on the lightbulb you didn't clean up.
"Wait, watch it. There's some glass on the floor."
She stops and looks down. Then up to where the lightbulb was. Then down again.
She's got a weird look on her face.
"How'd that happen?"
"Strangest thing, the bulb burned out and I was trying to change it when it just sorta fell out on its own."
Her eyes widen a little.
"You don't say?"
She steps around the glass and sits next to you.
"So listen, Dash, I'm... I'm alright now. You don't have to stay here to take care of me anymore. Y'know, if you don't want to."
She shrugs.
"It's not like it's a problem. Being here is fun."
She blushes.
"Y'know. With you."
Man, your mushy little confession the other day seems to have opened the gates on this.
You're not going to be a dick about it, though. Nothing has changed, just let her say whatever and the two of you can keep having good times.

Later that day you and Dash head into town to get a little ladder thingy so you can change lightbulbs easier.
You bump into Twilight, but she acts really weird and doesn't make eye contact with you or Dash before she makes an excuse to leave.
"Listen, Anon, I'm gonna go talk to her for a minute. I'll meet you back somewhere around here soon, so don't go too far okay?"
You nod and she dashes off to chase Twilight.
You stroll through the market wondering if you need anything else. Maybe more lightbulbs? Some meat, if you can find that guy...
Oh look it's Applejack. And she's giving you the stinkeye.
You know what? You're feeling all kinds of great today, and this pointless, one-sided feud has gone on long enough.
"Hi Applejack. Got a quick question for you."
She reverts to a normal glare, but doesn't say anything.
"What is your DEAL?"
She lets out a low, quiet growl before answering through clenched teeth.
"Nothin', Anonymous. Wouldja like some apples?"
"Listen, 'Element of Honesty', we both know that's crap. You have a problem with me, and I'd LIKE to help if you'd let me."
You can hear her teeth grinding.
"Nope. No problem at all."
"Come ON! What have I ever done to you?"
She stomps her hooves down on the stand in front of her.
"Y'all are so STUPID! You ain't done NOTHIN' to ME!"
"Then why are you so HOSTILE?"
She leaps over the stand and shoves her muzzle right into your face.
"Because unlike SOME folks around here, I care about OTHER PONIES!"
There's a weird light from somewhere, and Applejack is on her back a few feet away from you.
She jumps back to her hooves and charges at you.

Dash flashes in out of nowhere and lands next to you, pushing Applejack off of you with a wing.
"Cool it, AJ."
She stops, but she looks... incredibly sad.
"Rainbow, ya-"
"No."
"But-"
"You need to let this go. Everything's already... you can't change it, okay?"
"Ah just... yer wrong, Rainbow. Ah'd bet this here hat on it."
"I'll see you some other time, AJ."
She turns you around and starts shepherding you away from the area.
You don't resist.
Once you're both out of earshot, you Dash turns to you.
"Did you push her off of you?"
"What?"
"Did you push her?"
"I would... I would never hurt any of you guys."
"That's not what I mean. One second she was on you, and the next she wasn't."
"Oh, I... I don't know. I just kept thinking how I wanted her out of my face, there was a light, and then she was on her ass."
Dash raises an eyebrow.
"Maybe Twilight didn't mess up as bad as she thought she did."
What the hell is she...
Light. Magic. You will it to be, and it happens. That's... that's how magic works here, right?
"Maybe I should go see her."
"That... probably isn't gonna happen right now. Besides, how hard could it be?"
She grabs a rock and holds it in front of you.
"Lift it."
You reach forward and she bats your hand down with a wing.
"With MAGIC, Anon."

You concentrate. You stare at it. You think about the rock going up. You wish for a world where the rock was moving up. You imagine it already is and you're just hallucinating it staying in place. You run your mind through a junglegym of crazy thought patterns until eventually...
It glows softly and hovers a few inches in the air.
Your eyes widen, your concentration breaks, and it falls down.
But that doesn't change the fact that you did it.
Holy shit, you can do magic. You're... not very good at it right now, but still! FUCKING MAGIC!
Maybe the agony was worth it.
Twilight is a goddamn genius.

A few weeks go by, and other than STRAIGHT UP MIRACLES nothing particularly noteworthy happens.
Applejack avoids you or is rude to you, Twilight acts weird and doesn't seem comfortable talking to you, and you don't really see the others.
Dash is... more tired than usual. Spends a lot of time sleeping. You decide it's gotta be the couch and she's just too awesome to complain.
While she's out doing... cloud stuff... you run into town and buy another bed.
You set it up in the empty guest room and hide the couch.
Dash comes in the front door, half-zombie, and is about to flop down and nap when she realizes the couch isn't there.
You're standing in the hallway and grinning like an idiot.
She looks to you, then where the couch was, then to you, then where the couch was, then starts walking toward you with a confused look on her face.
"Anon, what did you-"
"I figured you've spent more than enough time sleeping on the couch."
"Okay, so what then?"
"Where are you SUPPOSED to sleep?"
"A... bed?"
You nod.

The most unbelievably hopeful and happy look spreads across her face like molasses. You can see the joy overtaking her in slow motion.
That couch must've been awful.
You smile and swing your arm into the guest room, indicating the bed.
She steps in and looks around the empty room, then back at you.
The joy instantly drains out of her.
She's confused. Bewildered. Lost, even.
And undeniably, she's HURT. You can easily imagine those eyes on a four year old kid who just watched Santa and her parents commit group suicide.
You just fucked something up BAD.
She races out of your house in tears.
You run after her as fast as you can, but you've got no hope of catching her.
You stop, out of breath, somewhere in the middle of town and see Applejack staring up at Dash as she flies off.
Okay, THOSE eyes are new. You're... probably in incredibly deep shit here.
You can't outrun her, and you can't take her in a fight.
Magic's the only option, but you're still not that good at it.
You spread your arms out and a spherical bubble of energy forms around you.
Applejack skids to a stop and starts pounding on it. It wobbles a little.
"ANON, TURN THAT OFF RIGHT NOW SO I CAN KICK YOUR FLANK PROPERLY!"
You shake your head and hold your ground, increasing the strength of your shield as much as you can.
She stops attacking and just stares at you for a minute.
"Okay... okay, ah promise. Ah PROMISE ah won't hurt you if you turn that off."
"Uh, yeah. Element of Honesty and all that. But um, I seem to recall you not telling me a few things before and right about now I am PRETTY GODDAMN SURE YOU DO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ME."
"Yes! Okay, ah do. Real mad at ya and want to put the hurt on, but right now it's more important you put that thing away."

She hesitates and looks away for a moment.
"Please."
You sigh.
Against your better judgment, you let the barrier dissipate.
True to her word, she doesn't assault you. She just quietly trudges back to her apple stand without another word.
Again, against your better judgment, you follow her.
"Applejack, please. It's really hard to solve a problem if you don't know what it is. You're mad, Dash is upset, and I'm in the dark."
She huffs at this.
"Darn tootin'. How's it even POSSIBLE to be so thick?"
You stare blankly, just like the idiot she's accusing you of being.
"I'd better say goodbye to this here hat, because I was wrong. Not entirely, Rainbow certainly wasn't right, but you're not a jerk. You're just stupid."
"Okay, so I'm stupid! That doesn't help fix anything!"
"Glad we're in agreement."
You groan in frustration before stomping off to go ask Twilight. She may be less cooperative than you'd like, but she'll definitely be more help than this bitch.

Twilight isn't... ACTIVELY unhelpful, but she's too hysterical to really tell you much of anything.
She just keeps babbling about unnatural magic and being banished to the moon.
You do manage to catch a snippet or two about 'the procedure' being successful and just 'binding incorrectly'.
You leave and start heading for Dash's house, figuring she might've just gone home.
You yell up at her house for a while before you decide to give up.
Fortune smiles upon you, though, because as you turn away you catch a glimpse of Dash's tail hanging over the edge of a cloud off in the distance.
You sprint over there, shouting the whole time.
She drops over the edge of the cloud, wings clamped shut.

What the fuck is she...
NO.
FUCK.
SHIT NO GODDAMN NO.
You strain and pull as much magic as you can into focus, pushing back upward on the falling Dash, hoping to slow her descent.
It's working, and she's slowing down as she approaches the ground.
She actually lands really gently.
In a flash, you're over there and gently shaking her.
"Dash, come on get up."
She coughs weakly.
How is she even? She barely TOUCHED the ground!
"Twilight did screw up, y'know."
Her voice is thin and raspy.
"She mixed up some numbers. You were too powerful, and your body didn't have the energy to handle it. So she turned it off."
"Dash, I don't know what's going on right now but you need to stop talking."
She's crying now.
What's even going on here? This isn't... this isn't how this is supposed to go. This is Equestria, where everything is happy and great and magical all the time.
"But she was too late. She'd taken decades off your life. I know... I know how unhappy you were here, and I just... I didn't... I didn't want you to have to live a short, miserable life. And after all that pain... you didn't... you didn't even get the magic that you she owed you."

"Dash, PLEASE, save your strength. I don't know what's wrong with you or what I did or why Twilight's losing her mind but I do know that we need to get you medical attention!"
"So I... I had her use me. She turned it back on, at a lower strength, and connected me as the energy source."
You're starting to figure it out, and now you're crying like a little bitch.
Fuck off, man, anyone in your position who ISN'T crying is dead inside.
"I was... so happy when your magic started working. I didn't... I didn't mind the pain. It was... for you. I... I loved you, Anon. I thought you loved me, too. But Applejack was right..."
Fuck, you are THE WORST... you're a blind idiot and you've ruined everything and...
SHIT, that's why she's dying. By saving her with 'your magic', you've FUCKING KILLED HER.

A few hours later, still cradling her cold body in your arms, you're approached by two of Celestia's Royal Guard.
"Sir, I'll need you to come with me."
"Good thing we followed up on that meat trafficking, or we never would've caught the bastard."
"It's just such a shame we were too late to stop him from killing this one."
They drag you away. You don't resist. You only cry.

BAD END.

Rarity's Guest

You were just finishing up the most FANTASTIC ensemble ever when a VERY RUDE AND INCONSIDERATE PONY burst through your front door.
You put on your best fake smile.
"Rainbow Dash, how lovely to see you. Can I... help you?"
She's tracking mud everywhere.
There's some horrid beast following behind her.
"And THIS is Rarity. She makes clothes and junk, so she can probably put together something for you."
"While I suppose I could, I do happen to be a little busy at the moment."
"Aw that's fine, he's not going anywhere, right Anon?"
The big... ape... thing nods.
"Not going to move. I'd love to stay right here and watch... Rarity, you said? I'd love to watch Rarity at work. Fashion is a FASCINATING industry."
You crack a smile. Perhaps you shouldn't be quite so quick to judge a book by its cover.
"Oh go right ahead, dear. I was just finishing up and I shan't be more than a few minutes. Really, I just need to select a color for this hem here and I'll be practically done."
"Cerulean."
You aren't facing the creature, but your eyebrow raises. You mentally apply his suggestion and it's... perfect.
Is it hot in here, or is it just you?

You finish your work and turn to face the beast.
His outfit is in tatters. The poor dear, no wonder he wanted new clothing.
"Thank you, er... Anon, was it?"
"Anonymous. Anon for short. Enchante, Mademoiselle."
"Oh, such a gentleman. So, do you work in fashion?"
"I'm afraid not."
"You have quite an eye for color."
Dash backs up toward the door.
"Alright guys, I'm gonna go. Got awesome... stuff. To do. Yeah."
The door closes behind her.
"So I take it you aren't from around here then?"
"Oh no. Not even Equestria, though I must admit I am enjoying it here."
Your stomach makes a very un-ladylike rumble and you titter sheepishly.
"I do apologize. I'm afraid I tend to get caught up in my work and neglect everything else."
"It's not a problem. We all have needs. In fact, I haven't eaten all day."
"What? That simply won't do! Come, let's do something about this."
You lead him into the kitchen and are about to set yourself to cooking something.
"Excuse me?"
"Yes?"
"May I?"
Oh goodness, he cooks too?
"Please, be my guest."
A few minutes later, you're very nearly in heaven. So he doesn't work in fashion? Then he simply MUST be a chef. It's the most exquisite meal you've had in ages.

He looks out the window. You follow suit.
It is rather late.
He looks nervous.
"I don't suppose I could trouble you... for a place to sleep?"
"Why, you've been shown around town by my friends and not one of them has offered you lodging? That cannot stand and I must INSIST you stay here, though I will require you to... ahem... bathe first."
"I understand completely. I am a bit filthy. The trouble, though, is that I haven't a change of clothes."
Now THAT is a tragedy that must not go uncorrected.
"I'll whip something up for you. I can't promise it'll be particularly glamorous on such short notice, but it should be quite serviceable."
He nods happily and you point him to the shower.
You cobble together a pathetic shirt and pants that you wouldn't call anything more impressive than rags, but still they are better than what he was wearing.
You trot over to the shower, still in use, and knock on the door.
"...yes?"
"Anonymous? I'm leaving your new outfit just outside the door here."
"Oh. Thank you very much. I'll be out in just a moment."
You pick up his old scraps, helpfully left hanging on the doorknob, and seal them in your 'to be burned' hamper.
On your way back, he's standing in the hall picking up his new clothes.
He's very naked, and it's strange that that's strange. Why is his unclothed state something to gawk at?
Why are you GAWKING?
You immediately about face and hide your blushing face.
"So sorry."
"No, I'm the one who's sorry. I'm afraid I used the last of that HEAVENLY shampoo."
By Celestia this creature is incredible. Why can't you find a colt like HIM?

Your body seems to think you already have and now you can't decide which way to face, as either direction is equally embarrassing for different but related reasons.
You opt to turn around again and feel very silly to find he is already back behind the door.
And why wouldn't he be? He recognized the situation and took proper action to correct it. He's speaking politely from the other side.
You have a sudden and intense hatred for your body.
This... this CREATURE may be a perfect gentleman...
Who both cares for and is knowledgeable about fashion...
And by CELESTIA can he cook...
And who happens to have excellent taste in shampoo...
Why are you rationalizing this? You're a pony. He is not. End of discussion.
He steps out, looking rather dashing considering he's wearing such a shoddily assembled outfit.
Your heart flutters a bit.
NO. STOP THAT.
But he's so perfect!
Your hindquarters-
NO. STOP. THAT.
"Ahem. Anonymous?"
"Yes, milady?"
OH MY. PLEASE stop doing this! You can't handle it!
"Would you..."
What are you doing?
"... like to accompany me..."
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
"... to Canterlot this weekend?"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU YOU STUPID SLUT?

He frowns.
"I'm... afraid I can't. My time here is rather limited."
Your heart sinks. WHY IS IT DOING THAT?
"Oh, that's quite alright. Just a friendly offer."
Yeah. Friendly. And Twilight is prettier than you.
And Applejack has the best pokerface you've ever seen.
And Rainbow Dash is straight.
What were you thinking about again?
Right, of course. This hot hunk of-
STOP THAT.
This... fine upstanding fellow is only here temporarily.
So really, that's even better. A long term relationship would be tricky across species, but one wild night of passion? That neither of you would ever speak of?
It's PERFECT.
And also disgusting and wrong and stop it.
You close up the conversation, deciding to turn in for the evening before you make a mistake.
He waltzes into the guest room and you flop morosely onto your bed.
The ONE creature...
No, not quite. The one MALE who's a perfect match for you just happens to be biologically incompatible.
Your hindquarters-
NO. STOP THAT.
But you AREN'T incompatible physically! Just reproductively! Which is smashing because that means you don't even need protection and-
STOP
THAT
THIS
INSTANT

You can't sleep. You can't stop thinking about the potential for a steamy fling in the dark of the night, just like in all those romance novels.
And he's just soooooooo perfect.
The ONLY problem is that he's not a pony, and even that isn't entirely-
WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THAT AND WHETHER OR NOT YOU SHOULD STOP IT?
But he... you saw it, and you can't deny the positives. His species is larger in general.
He was rather well endowed, and lately your paramours have left you unsatisfied-
AGAIN. THAT. SHOULD YOU STOP IT? THE ANSWER AT ELEVEN.
BY THE WAY IT HAPPENS TO BE ELEVEN RIGHT NOW AND THE ANSWER IS YES.
Against all reason, you get out of bed.
You're going to miss out on beauty sleep.
Also he might say no!
Why would he say no to you? You're positively fabulous!
WHY ARE YOU ENTERTAINING THESE IDEAS. DIDN'T WE GO OVER SOMETHING JUST A MOMENT AGO?
You quietly trot down the hall.
His door is ajar.
You peek in and try to see, but it's quite dark.
He appears to be awake and... reading?
You can't quite make out the cover of the book, but it appears to be two figures embracing.
On a cliffside.
Above the ocean.
You feel faint.
On top of everything else. On top of ALL his amazing qualities... he ALSO reads romance novels?
This deal. It is sealed.
You put on your best pair of bedroom eyes and sashay into the room.

He sets the book down and looks up at you.
"Rarity, can I help you?"
You place one hoof on the edge of the bed and lean over.
"Oh you most certainly can."
"I don't... we can't."
You trace your hoof down his side.
"Oh I know, and I wrestled with the same questions, but don't you see? It can be our little secret. Just between us and this room."
Your hoof is now just resting just above his hip.
"Really, we can't... I mean... you're... I'm..."
You let out an exaggerated sigh.
"Believe me, I understand. For hours now I've been trying to tell myself the same thing, but it just doesn't matter."
He flips on the light and gets a puzzled look on his face.
"I'm not certain I understand. It absolutely DOES matter."
"Only because society is too conservative to embrace true passion!"
"... Rarity, I think there's been a lack of communication here."
"There has been a lack of a lot of things. Like you making love to me. Preferably right now."
"Rarity, I'm afraid I must decline your advances. I love fashion and cooking and hair care."
"As do I! Come now, there is no shame in fulfilling a basic biological need!"
He sighs.
"Maybe things are different here. I guess I need to just spell it out for you. I'm a gigantic flaming faggot."
"A... a what?"
"I'm GAY. Oh if you were a stallion I would absolutely mount you, here and now, but you're a mare. I'm just... my body isn't interested."
Well YOUR body is and this issue is not over!
"Can you... can you close your eyes and pretend?"

He left quietly in the morning before you woke up.
Maybe you need a second cat.

Pinkie does stuff. Was this one supposed to be funny? It's not.

Pinkie does stuff. Was this one supposed to be funny? It's not.

"Anon, don't!"
"Twilight, you're a quitter. A coward. You don't DESERVE science."
"There are just some things... some things aren't meant to be known. Science has limits."
You stomp over to the door and turn back to glare at her.
"I AM SCIENCE."
You slam it behind you.

In your old life, you were basically Stephen Goddamn Hawking.
Now you're in a universe of colorful talking magic ponies, and at first it was frightening.
But Twilight is a goddamn genius, and somehow, some way, almost everything makes sense.
She taught you the basic principles of magic, and you understood.
The two of you worked together to figure out how you got here, and you succeeded.
Research in how to send you back has momentarily stalled, but neither of you gave up on it.
But for some reason... with all her curiosity, with all her brain, with all her logic, she's decided there is one field that is off limits.
Twilight has given up trying to understand how Pinkie works.
She has forgiven her for breaking the laws of this reality.
She has forgotten her mission.

But not you.
You are Anonymous.
You do not forgive.
You do not forget.
One way or another, science will prevail.
AND YOU ARE SCIENCE.

Cupcakes. Muffins. Donuts. Candy.
You've created an irresistable mountain of treats right in the center of Ponyville.
There's a fan blowing the scent directly toward Sugarcube Corner (not that it's needed, but you wanted to make sure).
The delicious items are perched atop a pressure plate, rigged up to a control box a short distance away.
Once a sufficient amount has been eaten, the trap will spring and the magically-reinforced cage will drop from the TOTALLY INCONSPICUOUS CRANE off to the side.
It's so crazy that it has to work.
It's GENIUS.
It's... loony.
Pinkie comes hopping out, sniffing the air and smiling.
That's right... good girl. Come get some.
She stops right in front of the pile.
"OOOOOOH... Hey, is anyp0ny gonna eat this?"
She looks left and right, then shrugs, grins, and...
Jumps INTO it. She is now in the pile, on the pressure plate.
Well fuck, that's not going to work.
She munches away, not a care in the world, and within a frighteningly short time she's polished off the whole thing.
She sits still for a moment, patting her belly and basking in the sunlight.
Still fucking smiling.
Okay, she's distracted. Maybe the sudden motion won't startle her and you can just yank the cable. That'll drop the cage.
You coil your legs, ready to pounce for the control box.
You're certain you can make it, the only trouble is whether or not you'll be fast enough.
A bead of sweat forms on your forehead.
"HI ANON!"

The surprise makes you jump, the position your legs are in causing you to make the leap.
Being too startled to land properly, you hit the ground and tumble forward.
You leg kicks into the control box and the cable pops free.
You come to a stop right on the pressure plate.
The cage drops.
You shake the dizziness out of your head and stare through the bars at Pinkie.
She's standing right behind where you were.
But you... she didn't...
She was right HERE and you didn't see her move...
"Wow, Anon, what's the cage for? You got some kinda kinky fetish I don't know about?"
THAT FUCKING SMILE.
You shudder with rage.
You'll get her yet. Oh yes you will.
You breathe deeply to calm yourself.
You need to figure out a way out of this cage, and you need to come up with a new plan.
But it's not all bad.
Each failure only serves to teach you a new lesson.
Every time she evades capture, you become more brilliant.
By foiling your plans, she's falling right into them.
Clearly, she's either stupid or crazy.
What? No, of course you're not the crazy one.
You aren't talking to yourself! Who says you are?

The next morning, after your LONG AND COMPLICATED ESCAPE, you're in your lab drawing up new plans.
If the concept of Pinkie remaining still isn't reliable under any circumstances, you'll just have to use Pinkie in motion.
Motion...
Crazy... loco...
Loco-motion... trains...
GENIUS!
Knowing what you must do, you begin construction of a large train.
Ignoring the protests of the ponies around you, you lay the tracks straight through town.
Bolted to the top of the train are several lifelike mechanical marionettes. Some ponies, some griffons, some bears. A little of everything.
Inside the head of each one is a speaker, playing a recording (each in a different voice) yelling loudly about not liking parties or fun.
The tracks run directly into a mountain, ending at a solid rock wall.
And the whole setup is enchanted so that the train and its metal passengers will phase through the mountain.
But not Pinkie.
You cackle with glee and pull the lever with the huge 'start' label next to it.
The train lurches to life and the cacophony of phony fun haters begins.
Some distance away, unbeknownst to you, Pinkie gets a twitch she knows all too well.
Peering through your comically oversized binoculars, you observe a pink blur shooting toward the tracks.
You pat yourself on the back. You're so smart.
Something ELSE taps you on the shoulder.
Turning around, you spot a worried looking Twilight.
"Anon, please... I tried to warn you..."
"You shut your mouth! You're no fool, but I can see you lack the ambition and the dedication needed for real breakthroughs!"
"It's not that simple! Pinkie isn't... she..."
You bat her hoof away.

"Just you wait, Twilight! You'll see! I've got her right where I want her!"
You turn back to observe, and there's... a party on the train?
But that's completely impossible! Those aren't real creatures, THEY CAN'T DANCE LIKE THAT!
You sprint for it. The path the train takes is twisty enough that you have time to catch up if you move in a straight line.
Not having thought this through, you're now running alongside the train trying to figure out how to get on board without mutilating yourself.
You know what? You can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs, and you can't do science without something something complete the metaphor!
You close your eyes and jump.
OhgodI'manidiotwhyamIsoretardedI'mgoingtodie-
THUD
You slowly open your eyes. Everything is... okay?
Your shitty train jump actually WORKED?
You pump your fist. You are a GENIUS!
You climb up the side of the car and start carefully shuffling toward the party.
As you close in, you note that those appear to be REAL creatures dancing with Pinkie.
You cup your hands to your mouth and yell, hoping you're loud enough to be heard over the rushing wind.
"PINKIE!"
She turns, smiles, and bounds over to you.
"Hi Anon! Do you like trains?"
"I guess? I was just... what happened up here?"
"Oh, that. Well I thought this would be a good place for a party, but some meanie-head went and put a bunch of junk in the way. So I got rid of it and invited some friends!"
Wait, really? Just... threw out the fake anti-party and started a real one, just like that?
That's... that's weird, but not actually outside the realm of possibility.
Well okay then. Probably time to get off the train before...
Oh, fuck.

You blearily open your eyes. Your body is made of some new, solidified form of pain.
Being a man of science and honor, you dutifully stop to contemplate what to name this compound.
You decide on paintainium.
Back on track, you cast your eyes around the room briefly.
You appear to be in a hospital.
That makes sense, given the last thing you remember.
WAIT... the experiment... Pinkie!
Where's Pinkie?
You jerk your head around, trying to get a better look at your surroundings.
You find you're alone in this room.
Hoofsteps approach, and a pony steps into the room.
"Ah, Anonymous. You're awake. That's good, we weren't sure you were going to make it. You had quite a nasty accident."
"Doctor... I... I wasn't alone on the train! Are the others okay?"
"Others?"
You lean over and grab him, giving him a light shake.
"Pinkie and her friends!"
He pushes you back down.
"You were the only crumpled heap next to the mountain. As far as I know, Miss Pie is at work right now doing just fine."
Ignoring the protests of your new feeble crippletron 6000 shell of a body, you climb out of bed and scramble for the door.
"Where are you going? You need rest!"
You do yell out a response, but not because you're answering him. You're simply screaming deliriously.
"I AM SCIENCE AND PINKIE MUST FALL!"

You come crashing through a window and land in front of a glass case of sweets.
The window was CLOSER than the door and there's simply no time to spare.
There she is... right behind the treats.
"WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Hmm? Oh, the last batch of cinnamon rolls didn't turn out quite right so there's only what's left of the first batch in the case. I'm sorry, did you want a whole bunch of 'em? I can go make more!"
"NO, THE TRAIN!"
"Oh, that. You hit a mountain."
"I KNOW THAT."
"Oh, that's good. I thought it was really obvious, and you're supposed to be smarter than that so I got kinda worried when you were asking because I thought maybe it meant you hit your head and got the dumb."
You grab her and shake as vigorously as you can.
"Why aren't YOU injured?"
"Because... I didn't hit the mountain? Maybe I need to start getting worried again. Should we delay your 'hooray he's okay' party?"
"HOW?"
"Anon, you've really got to loosen up about this stuff. It's not good for you. I should know, I mean, I used to be a scientist like you, but then I took an arrow to th-"
You cup your hand over her mouth.
"NO. That joke is NOT funny and it NEVER WAS."
You pause.
"AND HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW ABOUT THAT?"
She's... behind you?
You turn around to see Pinkie giggling on the floor.
"How are you DOING this?"
She shoots up to her hooves and puts on a serious face.
"Anon, really. Twilight knows when to back off, why don't you?"
Jimmies - officially rustled. RAGE AUTHORIZED.

Having just flipped your shit, you reach behind you and punch the glass case.
It shatters and you pick up some shards.
You throw them at Pinkie.
"If a MOUNTAIN can't hurt you, I doubt a little glass can!"
She blinks a few times.
Every piece misses.
FUCK. Your aim isn't THAT bad, is it?
You charge at her, ready to throw a punch.
She ducks under you and bucks her flank upward, knocking you into the air.
You twist and spin a few times, coming to land perfectly seated on top of her.
GODDAMNIT YOU ARE NOT HERE FOR PONY RIDES YOU ARE HERE FOR SCIENCE
"Anon, you're pretty grumpy right now. I think maybe we need to throw you a party!"
"Pinkie, I don't need a party. I need to UNDERSTAND YOU!"
"What's so hard about that?"
"EVERYTHING!"
"Oh, well I guess I can help with some of that. Everything is everything, and I know something, and something is part of everything!"
Oh look, now there's some paintainium in your skull.
"I guess the easiest place to start is that my name is Pinkie Pie and I love to party."
You sigh.
"Stop, Pinkie."
"Okie-dokie-lokie."
She hums a tune and sways slightly.
You climb off of her, but don't go for another assault. Clearly violence is not the answer here.
Bargaining? No.
Drugs! Of course!
You agree to go to her little party.
You run home and fetch a little night-night powder.
You're such a genius.

You arrive at the party and are honestly shocked.
It's a 'science' party.
Pinkie's gone through the trouble of reworking classic party games like pin the tail on the pony so that they're more 'science-y' and everyp0ny is wearing a labcoat.
The refreshments are in beakers and test tubes and petri dishes.
The disco ball has been replaced with a laser light show.
She's really... you almost feel bad now that you're not properly appreciating all her hard work.
Almost.
But progress doesn't come without sacrifice.
When you're sure the coast is clear, you stir your TOTALLY LEGAL I SWEAR OFFICER powder into the punch.
You then slink away and wait.
An hour passes.
Then two.
Then three.
Not a single pony seems affected at all.
Your eyes narrow and you glare in Pinkie's direction. You're certain she's behind this, somehow.
You casually stroll over to her, whistling loudly and totally inconspicuously.
"Hi Anon! Having fun?"
You nod your head.
"Yup. Say, is it just me or is the punch a little funny?"
She nods vigorously and rapidly.
"Oh, yeah, TOTALLY. It's a little bit sweeter than it should be. You didn't add any of the sugar in your pocket to it, did you?"
You take a step back and gasp.
"Sugar in my pocket?"
"Well yeah! On your way in I noticed you had some and I tasted a little bit because I love sugar, but it was kinda funny so I switched it for you. I put some of my private stock in your pocket and threw out the bad stuff. Can't have you suffering with sub-par sugar."
You force a smile and grind your teeth.
"Thanks, Pinkie."
How? Pickpocketing is hard enough with hands, but hooves? How could she possibly have snuck something out and something else in without you feeling a thing?

You look at her, about to unleash a storm of questions you know she won't answer.
She smiles cheerfully.
"Delete Cola!"
Oh look, more paintainium in your head.
She... that could ALMOST be an answer to your questions if it wasn't completely absurd.
And if it wasn't impossible for her to have ever even heard of that show.
But you didn't ASK the questions and you know she can't read your mind.
"Maybe I'm a figment of your imagination!"
Okay, that's twice now that she's given an answer (a terrible answer that just raises more questions, but an answer nonetheless) to a question you didn't actually ask.
Maybe she IS in your head.
But then how can other ponies interact with her?
"Maybe I'm a figment of THEIR imaginations, too!"
She bounces up and down happily.
You know what?
You're done.
Fuck this, you're going home.
And not Ponyville home.
HOME home.
You admit it. You feeble human mind can't grasp... whatever Pinkie is.
"Aw, come on. You were just giving Twilight a hard time about being a quitter, how can you give up now?"
You throw your hands up.
"BECAUSE YOU... HORSE... MAGIC... NOT HAPPEN... DOESN'T... GORILLA!"
She frowns.
"Oh no... I broke him. Don't you worry Anon, I'll go get Twilight and she can figure out a way to science you back to normal!"

Eventually, you've regained enough sanity to converse.
Twilight assures you she went through a similar arc before, and that it really REALLY is in your best interest to just drop the Pinkie thing.
You convince yourself that it's worth one last attempt.
One more time, you will try to discover the secret of Pinkie, and if it should fail you will return home.
Your REAL home. You aren't sure you'd be able to live in Equestria, knowing that you could never know.
You head back into your lab and seal the door.
You triple check every nook and cranny for spying equipment of any kind.
You run through several 'test thoughts' that would be CERTAIN to get Pinkie's attention if she was actually capable of reading your mind.
You conclude that she is not.
You've got this. You're a GENIUS (as you've continually assured yourself).
The mystery will unravel, and you will be victorious.
You lift your arm, pencil in hand, and begin scribbling furiously at the paper on your desk.

Four days later, you emerge from your darkened cave, blinking your eyes against the harsh light of the outside world.
It is foolproof.
You just need to gather two more things, and then none will be able to claim you are not the master of science.
You need to go to Twililght and catch a sample of Spike's flame, and you need to go to Applejack.
You need about a mile of rope.

Plan ready, rope secured, spells cast, and flame in hand, you storm down to Sugarcube Corner. She can resist your experiments all she wants, but Pinkie can't refuse a customer.
It looks like she doesn't intend to. She greets you with that same sickening smile.
How DARE she be so smug about all this?
"Hello, Pinkie. I would like one cupcake, please."
"Sure! What kind?"
"Pick one. Surprise me."
She bends down and stares into the case, her eyes scanning the rows one by one.
She selects one. You don't pay enough attention to notice which. You're too busy readying Spike's flame.
As she pops up to present you with the cupcake, you unleash the fury.
She dissolves in a puff of smoke that rapidly fires off toward Canterlot.
Being in an incorporeal form that is pulled inexorably toward a single location, she should have no freedom of movement.
She should be passing through the trap right... about... now.
You step out the door and turn to look at your results.
The cloud is indeed trapped in your magical, ropey web.
Jackpot.
Now you can take all precautionary measures to keep her secured and study her as necessary.
She's unable to escape or interfere as long as she's a gas.
You cackle maniacally and set to work.

Back in your lab with every possible (and IMpossible) escape route blocked and twenty times more restraints than would be necessary for any living creature imaginable all set up, you fire up your equipment.
You glance over at your security monitors and check that there's nothing at any entry or exit.
You turn to the gas and grin.
"I've finally got you."
The speakers crackle to life.
"Got who?"
Pinkie Pie is at your front gate, talking to the camera.

You look back at the gas. Who the fuck?
You press a button and a shape solidifies out of the cloud.
You have apparently locked Princess Celestia in your lab.
She looks quite unhappy.

The moon isn't so bad. It's peaceful.
And SHE isn't here. Knowing that you'll never see her again helps you to forget.
You suppose you can even forgive her. In the end, her crazy antics were what set you free.
There's a rustling in a nearby bush.
Your jimmies are fine until you realize there are NO BUSHES ON THE MOON.
"Hiya!"
You fall flat on your ass, eyes wide with shock and worry.
"H-h...how?"
"How what?"
"How are you HERE?"
"Oh, that's easy. First, I hid in that bush. Then, I popped OUT of the bush, and now I'm here!"
There's an entire moon worth of paintainium concentrated in your skull.
"I... you... the moon?"
"So, since you forgive AND forget, you can't really be Anon anymore, can you? Wanna tell me your real name? WE CAN HAVE A 'I KNOW YOUR REAL NAME' PARTY! IT'LL BE SO MUCH FUN!"
You faint, relieved that she can't reach you when you're unconscious.
Just cold, quiet emptiness.
Until you hear the giggling.

Seriously? That's WAY too long.

Seriously? That's WAY too long.

Be the 80's.
FUCKYEAR(s)
Let's go!

Thanksgiving weekend. Time off work.
Go visit family.
Your mom is best mom.
Her turkey is best turkey.
Your older sister brings her daughter. She's like five or something. All about princesses and ponies and whatnot.
Your parents think she's the cutest thing ever.
You ignore her and shovel food into your disgusting gullet.
Whazzat? Kid wants to play?
Alright, fine. You're not a total jerkass. So what, like hide and seek or something?
"Wanna rida pony!"
Roll your eyes and agree to 'be the pony'.
Maybe not the best idea. Shuffling around like a drunken dipshit with eight pounds of gravy-soaked food in your stomach is proving to be one of your worse decisions. You're suddenly feeling pretty tired, too.
"Alright alright, I'm gonna go sit down now. Go watch TV or something."
She runs off toward the TV and puts on some colorful cartoon.
It's full of hideous things that are supposed to be ponies. Doesn't look very entertaining.
Fuck it, you're too lazy and/or full to move. You lie back and bask in the glow of the tv while you slowly slip into a turkey coma.

Something bright is happening outside your eyelids and you do your damndest to ignore it.
You've got a weird tingling feeling in your... well, everything, and it proves much more annoying.
You blink a few times and see a really bright light slowly fading.
You're... in a library? There's books and shit everywhere.
"Uh, Twilight? What is that thing?"
Who's talking?
You try to sit up, but feel really drained and can't get off the floor you're apparently on.
"It's moving!"
"I don't understand... everything was fine. Where did I go wrong?"
"I dunno, Twi, but SOMETHIN's gotta give. That sure don't look like no pony I ever saw."
"Grmfmnfnpony?"
Was any part of that supposed to be a word?
"Girls, I think it's talking! You know what that means? WE CAN THROW IT A WELCOME PARTY!"
"Pinkie, not now. It doesn't belong here, and we don't even know if it's intelligent. That could've been any number of instinctual noises like a mating call or a cry for its parents."
You manage to pry your eyes open and prop yourself up on an elbow.
"I... I CAN talk, you... guys?"
You trail off as you get a look at your companions.
They're... well to be honest you don't really have any idea WHAT the fuck they are.
The closest thing that comes to mind are those 'ponies' from that cartoon your niece was watching, but it's not a very good match.
"Well I'll be... it CAN talk. Twi, you want I should tie 'im up so he don't go runnin' off?"

"Whoa, hold on now, running off? Where exactly AM I, and is there a reason I should be running?"
A blue one lands next to you...
Lands? It has fucking WINGS?
Holy shit, so does that yellow one over there!
And are those... horns on those two?
What in the bleeding fuck is going on here?
The blue one looks you up and down.
"If it was gonna run, it probably would've gotten started by now. I don't think we've got much to worry about. I mean yeah, it's big, but it doesn't seem to have any claws or anything and I'm pretty sure those front legs are too short. It probably can't very fast."
"So, uh, where... do any of you have any idea where the fuck I am?"
The purple one steps in front of you and holds out a... hoof? Looks like it's trying to help you get up.
You grab the hoof and stand. On two legs.
They all gasp and stare.
"What?"
The purple one shakes its head.
"Nothing, it's just... bipedal creatures are really rare."
Okay, well sure. If these things are normal around here, then yeah you're probably a freak.
You shrug it off and start brushing the dust off your clothes.
The white one... okay, y'know what? This color shit is going to get stupid.
"So, uh, you... you have names?"
The pink one is practically teleports into your face and is literally vibrating with excitement.
"WE NEED TO THROW YOU A WELCOME PARTY!"
"...sure? I just... I'm a little disoriented here. I haven't got a clue where I am or what any of you are."
The purple one brightens up.
"Oh, of course. My name is Twilight Sparkle. This is Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash. You're in Ponyville."

"Okay, uh, Twilight Sparkle. That's... that's a start. But, um, where is Ponyville? And what ARE you guys?"
The white one, Rarity, was staring at your clothes. She had been since you stood up, but she's just snapped out of it.
"Well first of all we are not GUYS. We are LADIES. Except for maybe Rainbow Dash and Applejack. All the equipment and none of the class, you know."
The blue one and the orange one... you stop yourself. Rainbow Dash and Applejack... that's kinda funny, that one with apple in her name is orange. You idly wonder if she prefers apples or oranges.
Whatever, the two of them glare at Rarity. They're obviously displeased.
Pinkie Pie is in your face again.
"So, you know all of our names but we don't know yours! That's not very fair, and it's pretty hard to be friends with somepo... hey, you're not a pony! Can we even use that word anymore? Anyway, it's pretty hard to be friends with somebody whose name you don't know, so you should tell us! I'll bake you cupca~akes!"
It's smiling an impossibly wide smile and the word cupcake came out almost in song.
You guess Pinkie Pie is a people person. Er, a pony person. Er... yeah.
And Rarity, though she's barely said two words to you, you instantly peg her as a stuck up bitch. You wonder if that says more about you or her that you reach that conclusion so quickly.
Not enough data on the other four, but this Twilight Sparkle seems helpful enough.
"Er... my name is Anonymous. And while I'd probably love a party, I still... where am I? What are you girls, and how did I get here?"
Twilight Sparkle... god, you know what? This isn't any better. Their names are too long. Do they have first and last names? No, some of them are just one word... you decide to just start cutting their names off after a few syllables.

What were you saying?
Oh, right.
So Twilight blushes a little. She's... embarassed about something? For a species you've never met before, you're having a surprisingly easy time reading their faces. Not that you're an EXPERT or anything, but you would've guessed it would be harder than this.
"That would be my fault. I'm really sorry. I was... well, nevermind. It's a long story, and the point is that I messed up."
"How exactly can you 'mess up' and drag me god knows how many miles out to wherever the fuck Ponyville is?"
Rarity steps closer and starts feeling your pants. You're a little creeped out.
"Oh, we didn't drag you. Twilight here just messed up a spell and you appeared."
"But I KNOW I got it right! I triple checked every step! Something else must be the problem..."
She's now mumbling to herself and shuffling toward a bookshelf.
Wait, spell?
"Spell? As in magic?"
"Well of course, darling. She IS Princess Celestia's personal student."
"Okay, Ponyville, Princess, magic... this is kindof... I'm pretty lost here. Maybe we slow down a little and you guys help me catch up?"
Pinkie seems saddened at the prospect of 'slowing down'.
"Relax, I'm not going anywhere. You can throw me your party or whatever. I just want to have some idea what the fuck is going on."
This answer pleases Pinkie. She smiles and nods.
Twilight's actually scanning a shelf full of books now. Alright, so now you've got three. The partier, the bitch, and the nerd.

Rarity is STILL feeling your pants.
You brush her off.
"Is there any reason you're all up in my grill?"
She steps back and looks a bit shocked.
"Oh where ARE my manners! I'm dreadfully sorry, I just... this fabric. What is it? I simply MUST know."
That's a laugh. You. Knowing things about fabric. They're PANTS. That's almost literally the end of your knowledge on the subject.
You grudgingly admit that you also know they have pockets. Now you know TWO things about clothes you fashionista faggot.
You laugh nervously and turn toward Rainbow and Apple. Those both sound stupid. Second half? Dash and Jack?
Why not?
You turn to Dash and Jack, since you still don't have much besides their names to go off of.
"So... uh, your friends are... colorful characters."
"Yeah, I 'spose we're an unusual bunch, but I guarantee if ya give us a chance we'll grow on ya. Each of these here ponies is a mighty fine friend. Even Rainbow, here."
She gives Dash a playful shove.
"Yeah yeah AJ. Really though, Anon-"
That's not a bad nickname...
"She's right. These guys are great."
"Well alright then. That's... I guess that's... good? Having good people... er... good ponies helping me out is probably something to be grateful for, but I'm still having trouble figuring out just where the hell is going on."
"What's there to figure out? Twilight screwed up a spell - AGAIN - and now you're here. I don't know where you came from, and neither does she, but you're probably gonna be stuck here for a while."

Pinkie pops up out of nowhere. It's honestly pretty freaky how good she is at that.
"Yeah, so you should make some friends! Like us! By the way, the party is ready."
You look around, not seeing anything to indicate a party.
"Real fuckin' cool party, bro."
"It's not HERE, silly, it's back at Sugarcube Corner. Twilight usually doesn't like parties in the library because all the books end up on the floor or on fire."
Fire, you say? What kind of wild party are you in for?
You catch some yellow movement out of the corner of your eye.
Fluttershy takes an incredibly timid step forward and blinks at you a few times.
"Can I help you?"
"Um... Mr. Anonymous?"
"Yeah?"
"What does 'fuck' mean?"
So that's four then. Fluttershy is a sheltered, naive, and... well... SHY little thing.
You open your mouth, but quickly find yourself at a loss for words.
What DOES fuck mean? It's the most versatile word you know, and pinning down one definition would be nearly impossible.
You're about to start a lecture on the history and use of the word fuck when you find Pinkie pushing you toward a door.
"Nope - party now, corrupt Fluttershy later."

I'mma stick with it, but I'm already feeling how dumb this idea was. This story is WAY too long for a greentext. Everybody who picked B is responsible for this and also stupid.

Pretty soon you're at this so-called 'party' and, despite the lack of booze, having a pretty good time.
Dash is quickly climbing your list of favorite ponies, but you still don't know jack about Jack.
Or how exactly you got here. Apparently the unicorns can do magic?
Like, ACTUAL FUCKING MAGIC. Levitation and teleportation and pyrokinesis and shit.
Pretty fuckin' badass.
Too bad the nerd and the bitch are the unicorns of the group.
You admonish yourself. Come on now, that's not fair and you know it. You haven't had a chance to really get to know them yet.
Don't judge a book by its cover and all that.
You decide to go talk to Rarity for a while. Maybe she's not such a bitch. Or a whore.
Bitches and horse. You gotta write that one down.
"Hey, Rarity."
"Oh hello again, Anonymous. I trust you're having a splendid time? Pinkie is THE premier party pony."
You look around the room. Sure enough, everything is here except booze.
"There anything to drink?"
"Well of course, darling. Pinkie makes a delightful punch and there's a great big bowl of it right over there."
"That's... not what I meant."
"Oh... OH, you mean? Well there isn't any HERE, no. Sorry, dear, but Pinkie likes to keep her parties family friendly."
"You frown."
"Oh it's not so bad, now. And besides - she has good reason. You do NOT want to see what happens when Fluttershy starts drinking."

Who THAT timid girl over there? No way.
"Oh, so sorry to run off, but I've got somewhere to be. Things to do."
She looks at your hands.
"We'll have to catch up some other time."
"Yeah, alright."
She trots off and you turn to have some punch. You're pretty thirsty. Haven't had anything to drink since you got here.
Someone's tapping you on the shoulder.
You turn around to see Dash hovering there.
"'Sup?"
"So I hear a little party like this isn't quite enough for you? You need a little more?"
You squint and wonder what she's offering.
She pulls a flask out from somehwere - come to think of it, how do they carry things around?
"Is that what I think it is?"
She nods.
Alright, so that's five then. Dash is a bro.
You take the flask and unscrew the cap.
Only to practically be knocked on your ass. This stuff is STRONG.
You fight back a fit of coughs and try to maintain your cool.
Dash smirks at you.
"Shut it."
She chuckles a little.
"No worries. It's got a pretty good kick to it. I woulda been more surprised if you DIDN'T gag a little on your first try."
The two of you shuffle off and sit down on the far side of the room.
You drink and chat and chat and drink.
Over the course of the conversation, you pick up on a lot of little things and you don't feel quite so lost anymore.
Equestria's really not all THAT different from Earth. Except for the flying magical talking horses.

With Dash's help, your suspicions about these ponies seem to be confirmed, for the most part.
Rarity is kind of a bitch, but she's got a nice streak and is willing to help out if she doesn't have to get dirty.
Fluttershy's the quietest and most easily frightened girl you'll ever meet.
Twilight is a hopeless nerd who had to be ordered by royalty to go make friends. Also? Apparently the most powerful unicorn in all the land. That's a recipe for disaster right there, concentrating enough power to level a city into an antisocial recluse who happens to be prone to panic attacks.
Pinkie is... Pinkie. Words fail to adequately describe her. She's like the living embodiment of cocaine, if cocaine was just a bit more child-friendly.
And you're pretty sure you're gonna enjoy the company of your fine bro Dash here. Bringin' booze to the party, not afraid to tell it like it is, and just a champ at not giving fucks.
That only leaves one pony. Dash's hardly said a word about Jack.
All you know right now is that she sells apples and apple accessories.
The night goes on and the party winds down.
It's... pretty fucking late. You start to wonder where you're going to crash when Twilight comes up to you.
"So, Anonymous. Since it's kind of my fault that you're here, I figured you could stay in my guest room until we figure out how to send you back."
Back.
Oh SHIT. Your family is probably flipping the fuck out wondering where you are.
Your boss is going to kill you if you aren't back by Monday at nine AM sharp.
You promised you'd pick one of your bros up from the airport on Wednesday.
Damn, yeah, you'd better get home as soon as you can.
You turn around and hold up a fist for your bro Dash before you remember she's got hooves.

She bumps your fist with her hoof anyway, and everything goes better than expected.
Well alright then. Good to know that your body parts are relatively compatible.
You open your eyes in the morning and wonder if they have showers.
And then remember you don't have any clothes besides the ones you fell asleep in.
You slowly peek out the door to find Twilight's already awake and hitting the books.
"Oh, good morning Anon. You don't mind if I call you that, do you?"
You shrug.
"I was just getting to work figuring out what went wrong. I've checked everything five times now, and I can't find anything that doesn't add up. The spell went off perfectly, but somehow we got you."
"What were you supposed to get?"
"Well for starters a PONY, not a... whatever you are."
"Human."
"Right, that. The spell was designed to find a specific target and bring it here, but we should've gotten a pony and not a human."
You rub your chin thoughtfully for a moment.
Nope. No idea.
"Oh, Anon, before I forget. Rarity came by this morning and dropped off something for you."
You raise an eyebrow.
"I don't know. It's over there."
She points a hoof and you see a bag on the table.
You reach inside to find... clothes?
Well shit, and here you were trying your hardest to not appreciate her and she goes and gets you some clothes without you even asking.
"Hey Twilight, do you have a shower?"
"What? Of course I do! How else would I SHOWER?"
Well, that answers that.

It's still early in the morning, but now you're fresh as a daisy and ready to face the world.
Not that it was easy. That shower was TINY and you had a hell of a time wrestling yourself in that little space.
The new clothes seem just about right, and you make a note to thank Rarity the next time you see her.
But now... what are you gonna DO? Twilight sent you away so she could concentrate, and now you've got a day to spend wandering around an unfamiliar town where you haven't even got the slightest chance of blending in.
Well, it's not like you're going to be here THAT long if Twilight's as smart as they say she is.
Time to see if you've got any fucks to give OH LOOK YOU DON'T.
Eh? Is that Dash beating the shit out of a bunch of clouds?
Oh, right. She told you about this. Around here, the weather doesn't operate on its own. They manage it.
Freaky.
So she's makin' it a nice, sunny day. Cool.
What a bro, bringing sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows to the town.
All the ponies in town are giving you weird looks. Which is to be expected since you're basically an alien.
You double check the fucks given meter just to make sure.
Yup, still a cool zero. You keep on walking.
Man, it really IS pretty much just like human society. Just ignore the physical differences and forget about magic and flight and BAM. These ponies are pretty much people.
Except for the part where they're all naked all the time. That's new.
You suddenly find yourself wondering how and where Rarity got clothes that fit you.
Clothes of ANY kind seem to be a rarity (HAH!) around here, but then ones that fit you? Downright preposterous.
What does she even do for a living? Your bro mostly told you what they were like and not what they did.

Actually there's another thing. What do ponies do for fun? The sports you know wouldn't really work, but you'd imagine they've got their own.
You know they have books. Do they have TV? Movies?
You saw some lights last night, so you know they've got electricity.
You're startled out of your pointless bullshit thoughts by a rush of air to your side.
Your bro just landed.
"Hey, Anon. What're you up to?"
"Nothing. You?"
"Just finished my work for the day."
"Weather's your job?"
"Who told you?"
"Nobody. I saw you a minute ago fucking up those clouds but good. Score's like, you a thousand clouds nothing."
She blushes a little at this.
"So I dunno, you look bored. Wanna go do something?"
"Like what? I don't even know what ponies do for fun."
"I dunno, stuff. Like, whatever a pony is into, that's what they do. There's no 'thing' that ponies do."
"Do you guys have sports? TV? I know you've got books and shit for nerds like Twilight."
She frowns a little.
"Books aren't for nerds..."
You snicker at her defensiveness.
"Whatever you say, Reading Rainbow."
You chuckle inwardly at your clever joke.
She stares blankly. Right, just because they have TV doesn't mean they have YOUR TV.
"But yeah, we've got sports. How could... how would that even work if we didn't? We have... I dunno, STUFF.
Before you know it, the sun is going down. You've spent the whole day wandering around town talking to your bro about nothing in particular.
She waves and heads off for the night.
You go back to the library to find more books on the floor than could possibly fit on the shelves.

"Twilight?"
"Oh, you're back. Listen, I'm really sorry, but I still haven't figured anything out. You're probably going to be here for a few more days."
You shrug.
"It's not so bad."
You idly glance over at a stack of books.

'Predictions and Prophecies'
'Ancient Arcana and You'
'The End of Ponies - Debunking Conspiracies and Myths'

Huh. Just what was she trying to do when she pulled you here?
You decide it's not important. You worrying about magical shit is as stupid as Michael Jackson worrying he's getting whiter. He's not and that's stupid.
"Hey Twilight?"
"Yes?"
"This is a library, right?"
"Mhmm."
"Mind if I grab a book?"
"Not at all."
You walk over to a nearby shelf and grab something at random.
You head up the stairs to read and go to sleep. If your bro says reading is okay, then who are you to argue?
You're really only doing this because Twilight doesn't have a TV.
You crack open the book and start reading. It's some sort of fantasy adventure, presented as a diary.
It's moderately entertaining, but before long you're out.

The library seems to be getting messier and messier. Twilight must be REALLY absorbed in her work to let it get this bad, considering how tidy it was when you first showed up.
Feeling a little bad that she's working so hard for you, you decide to help her out in the one way you know you can't fuck up. You re-shelve books.
It's tedious and mind-numbing, but it's easy enough that even you can do it.
She comes back up to one of the shelves to grab a book and notices you.
"Oh, you don't have to do that for me, Anon."
"It's not a problem. Besides, SOMEONE has to clean up after you. Look at this place!"
You smile.
She frowns, grabs a book, and goes back.
What? What did you say?
Whatever. You finish shelving a few dozen more books before you head out the door to go check out some other part of town.
You find Rarity's place. She works in fashion, which explains a lot, really. You feel pretty relieved about the whole 'feeling your pants' thing. Bitch just loves her fabrics.
You thank you for the clothes, and she waves it off.
"Oh it's nothing dear, really. I enjoy making outfits for... interesting creatures such as yourself. And if you really feel like you owe me, I can think of a few things you could help me with. Those hands of yours would be AWFULLY, hmm, if you'll excuse the pun, 'handy' for me."
"Yeah, I guess a lot of things are harder with hooves, but don't you have magic?"
"Yes of course, but still. There's only so much one pony can do, and if another unicorn isn't around, well those hands of yours can do plenty."
"Makes picking up the books a lot easier, that's for sure."
She sighs.
"Oh I do miss Spike..."

"Who?"
"Twilight's adorable little assistant. He's just the cutest little dragon, and he's SUCH a gentleman."
"Where is he? I haven't seen him around."
"Well he's... he's not around right now. I'm sure he'll be back soon. He... he promised."
Huh... well then, that explains that. Twilight's a little messy, but she NORMALLY has help. Her little helper goes out of the picture and boom, she's up to her neck in unshelved books.
You politely say your goodbyes, thanking her again for the clothing, and head back out into town.

The story is the same for a few days. You help out a few ponies here and there, hang with Dash sometimes, and read your stupid little book before bed. You don't want to admit it, but it's actually pretty good.
One morning, you step down the stairs to find a very frustrated Twilight hitting her face on the desk.
"Whoa, hey now. What's got your panties in a bunch?"
"Huh?"
Ugh, you're still getting used to none of your expressions working.
"I mean, what's got you so out of it?"
"I don't know, Anon, I just keep looking and not finding any clues."
You've been here a while now, and while you're getting attached to these ponies (especially your bro), you still need to go home eventually. You decide it can't hurt to offer your help.
"Maybe... maybe I can do something?"
She looks down to the floor, almost devoid of that trademark pony happiness that seems to flow so freely here.
"Come on, what could go wrong?"
She sighs.
"I guess you're right. You see it all started the day before you arrived..."

She tells you a long ass story about some minor political squabble Spike got wrapped up in that's actually been escalating out of control. Something about contested territory on a border, and an ancient magical super-weapon, and the threat of war, and the dragons demand this and the ponies want that and the griffons are dicks and blah blah blah god damn Twilight you are bad at telling a story in an interesting way.
Eventually she catches your attention when you hear something about a prophecy and the pony who will bring peace and something something something blah spell to summon him.
Okay then. So apparently this potential war is a serious threat, one that they've seen coming for a while now, and they've got legends and shit talking about how this is going to go down and the super mecha Jesus pony who's going to stop it.
Twilight's been reading through all the myths and prophecies she can find for more information that might help her figure out how she fucked up the summoning spell, and she shows you way more evidence than you care to pay attention to that she did it right and it doesn't make any sense and she's not wrong and SHUT UP, DAMN.
You take a look at one - ONE - thing, and you instantly feel like a total badass.
You've got this. You know what happened, and you know what's GOING to happen. God damn does it feel good to be a gangsta.
You're WAY too cool to just explain it to them, so instead you have the team rounded up and you all go marching for the border where the stupid fuckers are yelling at eachother.
Not LITERAL marching, that'd take forever you dumb fuck.

*Poof* teleport, you're practically there. Ta-da.
You start walking when Twilight stops you.
"Nuh-uh, Anon. You need to start explaining what we're doing here. And how do YOU of all ponies... er, people, know anything about this?"
You pull the book you've been reading out of your pocket and toss it to her.
"Now you know, and knowing is half the battle."
She gives you her best 'wtf are you smoking' look and you just grin.
"Bro, you're the fastest, yeah?"
"Whatcha need?"
"Can you fly on up ahead and see if there's a big ass cave somewhere nearby? There should be some stupid crazy magic door covered in runes and shit."
She gives a quick salute and blasts off at a speed you like to describe as 'Jesus fuck that's fast 2 - Electric Boogaloo.'
The rest of you start walking.
Twilight is flipping through the book as you go.
After a minute, you think you see the cave, but there's no sign of Dash.
Twilight looks up at you, a confused frown on her face.
"Why is part of the prophecy in here?"
"I have no idea. But it totally is. Word for word. Something something something and a pony unlike any other something something savior something radical and bitchin'."
"That is NOT what it says!"

"Close enough. But yeah, see? Stupidly lucky coincidence I pulled that off the shelf, but I knew I recognized some things in your research pile. This cave up here should be where the original treaty is hidden. We get that, we tell the griffons to fuck off, and everything can go right back to normal. You even get Spike back since the threat is over, and the stupid fucking cowards ruling his country get to feel comfy showing up in public again. I tell ya it's not fair at all that the guy who's EIGHT in line for the throne has to put himself in danger over some political bullshit he has no interest in."
"IF you're right."
"You kiddin'? Of COURSE I am. The book lines up fuckin' perfectly and you know it."
You step into the mouth of the cave and look around.
"Where the hell is Dash?"
A low voice echoes across the chamber.
"Your friend will be fine, as long as you do exactly as I say."
"What?"
"I SAID, do what I tell you or the pretty little pegasus gets it!"
Twilight's horn bursts to life and the cave lights up.
Right there. There's a dragon, maybe twenty feet tall, standing around looking like a smug motherfucker.
Suddenly, Fluttershy is in his face and he looks like he's about to shit himself.
What the fuck? Um, you go girl? Or something?
"LISTEN UP MISTER, YOU ARE GOING TO STOP USING YOUR FAMILY AS PAWNS, GIVE US BACK OUR FRIEND, AND FORGET ALL ABOUT YOUR MEAN SCHEMES RIGHT THIS INSTANT OR YOU ARE GOING TO REGRET IT!"
Seriously, where has THIS Fluttershy been hiding?

Is he...? He is! Holy shit, the dragon is actually pissing himself!
You turn and whisper to Twilight.
"Psst, hey. What the fuck?"
"That's the dragon king."
Wat.
This little thing is their leader? Man, politics are retarded yo.
"And?"
"He didn't stay back for fear of his safety, he sent others to do his work for him so he could find this place!"
"Not that! Fluttershy!"
"Oh, well you see-"
*CRACK*. Fluttershy just hit the floor. It looks like she's still breathing, but she's probably not going to get up any time soon.
The dragon is panting hard. Like it took every ounce of strength he had to get out of... whatever she was doing to him.
"Now then... *huff*... where were we?"
You glare at him.
"You were just about to step the fuck off because our meekest and weakest pal just bitch slapped you."
"You're bluffing."
"No, really. The word 'shy' is right there in her name. She ain't shit compared to the rest of us."
"Then explain your rainbow-maned friend."
"What ABOUT her, that she let you catch her?"
"Sure didn't seem that way to me. She was fighting back, the poor girl. A couple of good swipes took the fight right out of her."
What?
Oh HELL no. Bitch better not have layed a finger on your bro.
"Made the most adorable little cry for help, too. Which one of you is Anonymous?"

FUCK.
HIM.
UP.

Holy shit you're either a retarded dumbass about to die or the most badass motherfucker to ever set foot in Equestria. You are here to charge at the king of the dragons and give fucks and you are ALL OUT OF FUCKS.

You slip in his piss and fall on your back with a painful *oof*.

God.
Fucking.
Damnit.

Twilight Sparkle to the rescue with her ridiculously overpowered magic.
What does the scouter say about her power level?
Nothing you dumb shit, that's a terrible and unfunny joke that hasn't even been invented yet because it's the 80's.
What? Other references aren't valid yet either? Listen you twat, do you want to hear the story or not?
That's what I thought. Now sit the fuck down and shut your face.

Twilight's eyes are glowing and her words are coming out as growls.
"GO GET THE TREATY. I'VE GOT HIM UNDER CONTROL."
You scramble to your feet and make a run for the door near the back of the cave.
Looks like this asshole hasn't opened it yet. You wonder why.
You look back and smile confidently. Twilight's got this.
You turn to the slab of stone and note the many intricate rune-like carvings.
You ignore them and push, hoping it opens that way.
It doesn't.
Right, the book. G.I. Joe. Knowing is half the battle. Apparently slipping in dragon piss is the other.
What was that stupid password? God, you just read that part like two nights ago, come ON...
"DE-USE-SEX-MOCK-HINA!"
The door opens.
Closeenough.jpg

A deep, rumbling laughter rolls through the cave.
Oh, shit.
The dragon's eyes light up and he bolts for you.
Motherfucker played you guys. He needed you to open the door and you did it because you're stupid chumps.
You dive out of the way as he starts roaring a huge jet of flame in front of him.
Why does he want the treaty so bad? To... burn it and stop the negotiations? That doesn't sound like the end goal of the villain.
Wait a minute...
Aw, fuck. Didn't Twilight say something about an ancient magical super-weapon?
And you didn't finish reading that super convenient book, so you don't even know what the weakness is!
Don't EVEN start on that. Of fucking COURSE it was in the book near the end and there is no question that there's some nice easy way to defeat it if only you know how.
Special spell to summon a chosen one, and everybody thinks it messed up but in the end it turns out it didn't?
Super convenient but unlikely source of necessary information?
Unreasonable bravery in the face of what should be a pants-shittingly terrifying encounter?
This is like some bullshit out of really terrible fanfiction.

He's got it. Fuck, he has the thing and presumably knows how to use it. He's certainly cackling like he does.
Oh look he's doing something with it.
You're blacking out. Awesome.

You wake up like you just slammed into a brick wall.
Your eyes fly open and you gasp for air.
Where? What? Okay, so... right... the dragon has the... okay, but you're not dead. That's... that's good.
You're... tied up?
You look left and right. Yeah. You're tied up. Dash is a short distance to your left, unconscious and with some blood running down her face. You think you can make out the other ponies tied to various other objects in... wherever this place is.
You try to wiggle, but don't have much more than a quarter inch of range with any of your limbs.
"Hey, Dash..."
She stirs a little, but doesn't seem to wake up.
"Dash!"
She's still not up.
"FREE BOOZE!"
That did it.
"Wha? Oh... Anon... listen, I'm sorry..."
"What are you talking about?"
"I... I failed..."
"Listen, bro, don't beat yourself up over this."
"I should've been able to... I don't know, something! I shouldn't have gotten caught at least!"
"It'll be okay..."
"No it won't! I heard him doing that stupid villain monologue thing, going on about his plan. We're all in it really deep, here. I... I'm pretty sure this is..."
She swallows a lump in her throat.
"The end..."

For maximum troll score, stop posting here.

"No way, don't say that! We'll come up with something!"
"Like what, Anon? You know I'm no quitter, but there's nothing we CAN do here! Your hands are literally tied!"
"It can't end like this!"
There's an uncomfortable silence.
Dash starts blushing.
"Anon? I... I wanted to keep this a secret... I didn't... I didn't want to screw up what we had. But... but since it's all over anyway..."
"No! It's... it's not over! Don't talk like that! We can get through this!"
"I love you, Anon."
There's a blinding flash of light, and then everything goes dark.

Your body feels heavy, but you're lying flat.
You... aren't tied up anymore?
You start to sit up, but there's a dull ache in your stomache.
You burp.
It tastes like... turkey?
You open your eyes.
You're at your parents house. Lying on the floor. Your niece is on the couch, watching TV.

For DOUBLE maximum trolling, stop here.

You sit up and turn toward the TV.
It's that cartoon with those fucked-up looking ponies.
God those things are ugly. Nothing like the magnificent creatures you were just living with.
What the fuck, man?
That was... that was real, wasn't it?
You were... they were... it felt so real...
No, it had to be real. You can't dream that much up. You can't dream for that long in the space of an hour or two.
But, you're not that badass. You love to toot your own horn, but you admit you'd never charge anything that was 20 feet tall.
There were too many coincidences lining up too conveniently.
And then, the pony you cared about the most...
She...
Fuck your head hurts.
You slowly get to your feet.
Your mother steps out of the kitchen, still drying off a plate.
"Are you okay?"
"Y...yeah. I'm fine, mom. I'm just tired."
"Even after your little nap?"
"Yeah. Hey, uh, how long was I out?"
"Oh, I don't know, maybe a little less than an hour?"
"...Huh..."
"You sure you're okay?"
"Probably. I just... don't feel that great."
"Ate too much?"
"I guess so."
You turn and trudge up the stairs to your old room.
It's been converted into a pretty nice guest bedroom and the bed looks very inviting.
You let your body go slack and flop down onto it.
You're asleep before you even land.

Something bright is happening outside your eyelids and you do your damndest to ignore it.
You've got a weird tingling feeling in your... well, everything, and it proves much more annoying.
You blink a few times and see a really bright light slowly fading.
You're... in a library? There's books and shit everywhere.
"Uh, Twilight? What is that thing?"
Who's talking?
You try to sit up, but feel really drained and can't get off the floor you're apparently on.
"It's moving!"
"I don't understand... everything was fine. Where did I go wrong?"
"I dunno, Twi, but SOMETHIN's gotta give. That sure don't look like no pony I ever saw."
"Grmfmnfnpony?"
Was any part of that supposed to be a word?
"Girls, I think it's talking! You know what that means? WE CAN THROW IT A WELCOME PARTY!"
"Pinkie, not now. It doesn't belong here, and we don't even know if it's intelligent. That could've been any >number of instinctual noises like a mating call or a cry for its parents."
You manage to pry your eyes open and prop yourself up on an elbow.
"I... I CAN talk, you... guys?"
You trail off as you get a look at your companions.
What the fuck?
There's a snapping sensation in your head as you remember everything.
You ignore the protests of your body and jump to your feet.
"Twilight!"
Fluttershy squeaks and backs up toward the wall.
"I don't know how... I don't know what's going on, but I'm back!"
She's stepping back, too.
"Applejack, I think it might be hostile... get your lasso."

"NO! Listen, it's me! Anon!"
"I don't know who you are or what you're talking about, but if you don't want my friends and I to act rashly I suggest you sit down."
Fuck what is even... this doesn't... what?
What?
...What?
You sit down.
"Who are you and how do you know us?"
You put on your most pathetic puppydog face and turn to Dash.
"Dash, please, you recognize me... don't you?"
She squints and stares at you for a good ten seconds, but recognition never dawns across her face.
You hang your head.
"I'll ask you again. Who are you, and how do you know us?"
You let out a long, LONG sigh.
You already know how this is going to end.
You're going to tell them your story, and they're going to call you crazy.
You start anyway.
You get to the end of the first night before Twilight declares that you're insane and has you restrained in her basement.
You get questioned. A lot.
You answer honestly.
They don't believe you.
"Ugh, I don't have time for this. I need to get back to my research to figure out what went wrong. Can you girls handle him?"
Nods all around.
Twilight starts stomping up the stairs.
"Wait! I can tell you what you're looking for! I know what book to look in!"
She stops and turns slowly back to you.
You explain to her which book and where it lines up with the prophecies.
She doesn't look like she bought it. She heads upstairs without a word.

The next morning, you're nudged awake by Dash.
Twilight isn't in sight, and the others are all asleep down here with you.
"Hey... I believe you."
You hesitantly start to smile.
"I... I had a dream. You were there. It was... it was a lot like you said, and I don't know how you could've made that all up."
Your eyes grow huge.
"If what you're saying is true, I want to know what else happened. I want to know how we got to now."
You give her snippets of your time together, and after each one she nods slowly.
You get near the end.
You tell her that it looked like it was all going to be over. That she had a confession to make.
She's starting to cry.
"How? You're... that's... that's what happened. In the dream..."
"But it felt real, didn't it? It went on for days, right? How long were you asleep?"
"I... I don't understand..."
"Neither do I."
"No, I mean... I believe you. I believe you and I don't know why and I know this is going to sound crazy, but it doesn't FEEL like we just met."
Hoofsteps coming down the stairs.
"I think... I think I love you..."
Twilight ignores Dash and walks right up to your face.
She's holding the thing. The super doom-weapon thing.
"Is this it?"
You're sweating bullets and you don't know why.
Something in Twilight's eyes is making you incredibly nervous.
"Y-yeah."
"How did he activate it?"
"I don't know! You're the wizard, not me!"
"Did the book say anything about it?"
"I... I don't know! I never finished reading it!"
Her expression relaxes.
"Maybe if I just... experiment a little..."

Her horn starts glowing.
It starts glowing.
There's a bright flash of light, followed by an all consuming blackness.
The void is so prominent that you can feel the emptiness through your very SOUL.
That is, without a doubt, the most emo thing you've ever said.
You gigantic faggot.
You're lying on your back.
Your body feels heavy.
You start to sit up, but there's a dull ache in your stomach.
You burp, and you taste turkey.
You keep your eyes squeezed shut, afraid of what you might see if you opened them.

STOP HERE FOR TRIPLE ULTRA GOD-TIER TROLL STATUS

You can't handle the suspense. You open your eyes.
It's the guest bedroom. It's very dark.
You're losing your mind. This is real. This is your life.
You have work on Monday. You're at your parents' house for Thanksgiving weekend.
Your sister's daughter is there, and your parents think she's adorable.
You're a human, and you live on EARTH.
You do not doubt any of these things. They are unassailable truths.

But those fever dreams of a technicolor world full of magic and wonder... they were more than dreams. They had to be.
They felt too impossibly real to be anything but.
But that's impossible. Both things cannot be true.
You cannot have your cake and eat it too you fat piece of shit.
You stare at the ceiling for what feels like hours.
Your head hurts, and you're tired.
Not knowing what else to do, you lay your head down on the pillow and close your eyes.

Something bright is happening outside your eyelids and you do your damndest to ignore it.
You've got a weird tingling feeling in your... well, everything, and it proves much more annoying.
You blink a few times and see a really bright light slowly fading.
You're... in a library? There's books and shit everywhere.
"Uh, Twilight? What is that thing?"

You jump to your feet, your eyes wild with fear.
The fear is genuine, but these ponies mistake the cause.
Fluttershy mans up and gently flutters over to you.
She puts a comforting wing on you and slowly whispers "It's okay." over and over.

Twilight steps forward.
"Can you understand me?"

You look around the room, momentarily resting your gaze on each of the assembled ponies.
Your gaze lingers on Dash's eyes longer than the others.
You turn to Twilight and pause.
"...Yes."

"Oh, good. That'll make this so much easier. My name is Twilight Sparkle. I'm afraid... there's been a mistake. You aren't supposed to be here, and I'm terribly sorry for the inconvenience. You can stay in my guest bedroom until I figure out how to get you home, if you'd like."

You nod.

Dash lands next to you.
"Hey, you. What's your name?"
"...Anonymous. But you can call me Anon if you want."
"Anon, huh?"
She smiles.

At the end of the day, you've been given a basic tour of the town. You were very quiet, and you constantly suffered from a barely noticeable trembling.
You're just outside the library. Dash is just about to go home for the night.
"You need to relax, Anon. I know this is all probably really weird for you, but you should try to enjoy yourself."
You slowly climb the stairs and stop to stare at the bed.
You reach one hand down and touch it.
Nothing happens.
You climb under the covers and close your eyes.

You open your eyes.
You're in Ponyville.
Maybe you only leave if you... make a mistake?
Fuck if you know. Your every decision now terrifies you with that possibility floating around.
You try to be yourself.
You slowly come out of your shell and make friends.
You hang out with Dash a lot.
Your fear subsides, and you begin to enjoy yourself.
Dash is... Dash is cool. You two have fun together.
You don't read any books from the library.

You wake up, it's a bright sunshiney day.
Fuck yeah.
Gonna go meet Dash by the lake and do... whatever the fuck, you don't even know.

DASH IS STUPID, THE LAKE IS STUPID, WET CLOTHES ARE STUPID.

The sun is setting, and the two of you have started a small fire.
You clothes cling heavily to you, keeping you damp and cold even if you scoot next to the fire.
You start to take off your shirt.
Dash's wings tense up.
Have they ever done that before? You're not sure.
Taking off the shirt was enough. You're warm and content. You sit on a log, holding your hands out in front of the fire.
Dash looks up at you. There's something weird in her eyes. Something familiar.
"Hey Anon?"
"Yeah?"
"Have I told you... how awesome you are?"
Where's she going with this?
Something in your head clicks.
You think you can taste turkey.
RUN. ABORT. CANCEL.

REJECT.

"Thanks..."
Searching... searching...
"...Bro."

Her face falls a little, but she quickly hides it.

The two of you head back to town to chill and do nothing in particular.
Dash is trying to hide how down she feels, but you can tell.
It's DESTROYING you to know that she cares for you and pretend that you don't care for her.
But you need to do this. If the ruse falters... if she confesses to you...
You'll go back, and you can't do that.
During one of the evening's many uncomfortable silences, the two of you lock eyes.
"Anon... you know that you're... more than just a friend to me, right?"
Oh god, you can't do this...
But you have to.
"Totally. Way above and beyond. You're an absolute-"
You swallow the awful lump in your throat.
"Bro."
You can feel her heart breaking at that, and it doesn't feel much better for you.
She gives you an awkward smile and a half-hearted laugh.
"Heh... yeah."
She looks down at the floor and glues her eyes there.
FUCK, NO. This... this isn't right.
This is... this is selfish, is what it is.
You're hurting her because you don't want to go back.
"Hey Dash?"
She scoots her eyes up to look at you, but doesn't change her slumped and defeated posture.
"I... there's something I..."
She raises her head, just a bit.
"I really want to tell you something."

Her eyes widen.
"You can tell me anything."
"I'm... not sure that's true. There's a really good chance that... that I won't see you tomorrow if I do."
She walks over to you with obvious worry on her face.
"Anon, really. You can tell me anything. I swear I'll stick with you."
"It's more complicated than that."
"Yeah? It's already pretty complicated. I've been having these crazy dreams. About you and me."
She blushes, realizing what she just said.
"B-but, not... not like THAT or anything..."
Wait. Wait... didn't she...
One of the other times, didn't she have dreams about what had happened before?
None of the ponies seemed to remember what you were talking about, but Dash did dream some of it.
Why didn't any of the others?
"Anon?"
You should... probably say something. You've been silently pondering for several minutes now.
"I... Dash listen, I want to tell you the truth. I really do. But... I..."
Those eyes... what is that? There's something extra in there.
FUCK, she KNOWS. Are you blushing or something? HIDE BETTER YOU DUMB SHIT.
YOU'RE GIVING IT AWAY.
SHE CAN'T KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.
She lunges forward and presses her lips to yours.
All your resistance melts away.
You can't hear that voice in your head anymore.
The world is just the two of you, and it's bliss.
Eventually you break the kiss, if only for air.
You both pant heavily.
"Can you tell me now, Anon?"

You glance around the room anxiously. Everything seems okay.
You lick your lips, and you taste no turkey.
You can only detect that sweet, indescribable essence.
Every fiber of your being wishes for nothing more than to be with her.
A resolve stronger than any you've felt before fills you completely.
You WILL fix this.
Your eyes are misting up. Whether these are 'manly tears' or you're about to start bawling like a bitch at the prospect of losing her or what, you couldn't say.
You don't care.
"Dash, I'm going to tell you. Everything."
She nods and says nothing.
When you finish, she's crying too.
There's a moment of silence before she pulls you into a tight embrace.
"Anon, listen to me. I may not know what's going on here, but I do know one thing. I will NEVER forget you."
She kisses you once more, then pulls her head away and taps a hoof lightly against your chest.
"Never."
A cautious smile creeps across your face, and you hold her tighter.
It's late, and she has things to attend to in the morning.
The two of you part ways for the night, anxious to meet again tomorrow.

The next morning, you're awoken by Twilight pounding on your door and yelling.
Something about an invasion and the end of the world and blah blah you don't care.
You glance over at the clock. Yup, still too early to see Dash.
There's a loud splintering sound as Twilight breaks down your door.
"ANON!"
You mumble incoherently.
"ANON THIS IS IMPORTANT!"
You sit up, half-heartedly.
"What's so important that you need to go around breaking doors?"
"Equestria is being invaded by dragons, that's what!"
"Okay, so what does that have to do with me?"
"We need to evacuate!"
"What? Why? Can't the Royal Guard take care of it?"
"No! We're completely outclassed. They've got several strange and powerful artifacts from who knows where that we can't stop or even understand!"
Artifacts? Well, fuck.
...
FUCK.
THAT'S THE PROBLEM, NOT DASH.
Last night, the two of you came to an understanding about how you felt, and nothing happened.
Those other times your feelings only came to light right before THAT FUCKING ARTIFACT got activated.
If they've got that one, and the switch gets thrown...
NO.
NOT HAPPENING.
NOT THIS TIME.
"...We need Fluttershy."

You, Twilight, Dash, Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie, and Fluttershy stand at the edge of town.
The dull, rythmic roar of a hundred pairs of beating dragon wings fills the air.
A dark patch appears on the horizon as the invaders approach.
The seven of you stand firm, staring resolutely toward the center of the approaching shadows.
A piercing, alien glow shines through.
It's him.
He's got the artifact.
"Fluttershy. Do it."
The sweet little mare, who couldn't hurt a fly, tenses up and her eyes bulge just slightly.
There's a crash in the distance as the leader falls to the earth and their advance halts as confusion spreads.
"Everyone ready?"
Five of the six ponies surrounding you nod, only Fluttershy keeping her head still and her stare locked.
"March."
You all begin slowly and deliberately pacing directly toward their leader.
Whether he told them to remain still or they instinctively knew what was happening, the dragons remained immobile.
Fluttershy's face is only an inch away from his as he lies on the ground, unable to move.
You place one hand on his muzzle.
"What do you want with Ponyville?"
He snarls.
You turn and nod to Twilight.
Her horn glows softly as she readies a spell.
"It's probably in your best interest to answer me."
His eyes narrow.
"You."
"Pardon?"

"I am here for you, chosen one."
Those last two words are positively coated in an acidic hate.
You glance at the artifact hanging from the chain around his neck.
"And what exactly do you need me for?"
"I SHOULD THINK YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WHAT I NEED, WORM."
Twilight drops the spell. You don't even know what it was, you just needed a threat.
"Anon, what is he talking about?"
"Nevermind, Twilight. All you need to know is that THAT-"
You point at the source of your suffering. You don't notice, but it's glowing brighter than it was a minute ago.
"-needs to be locked away where it can never be used again."
"Again?"
"Not now. Just... where's the most secure location you have access to?"
"I... I could ask Celestia to lock it in the same vault where she keeps the Elements of Harmony. Would that work?"
"Not good enough. That would be opened whenever you needed the Elements."
"... the moon?"
"That MIGHT work."
"Anon, what IS that thing? How dangerous is it, and why do you know anything about it?"
The glow get brighter, this time catching your eye.
You panic.
"No. NO! Nobody did anything! Why is it activating?"
The dragon king laughs.
"Perhaps you don't rightly understand it, then? No matter. This world is mine."
Your vision is filled with a blinding light.
You're lying on your back.
Your body feels heavy.
You start to sit up, but there's a dull ache in your stomach.
You burp, and you taste turkey.
GOD.
FUCKING.
DAMNIT.

You jump to your feet, ignoring the discomfort of the sloshing in your belly.
You storm past the kitchen and up the stairs.
Your mother peeks around the corner at you.
"Anon? Are you alight?"
You don't reply.
You head into the upstairs bathroom and tear open the medicine cabinet.
You toss aside bottles of who-gives-a-fuck, not caring whether or not the spill onto the floor.
Your mother peers through the doorway.
"Anon? What are you doing?"
"Nothing, mother. Go back to the kitchen."
She huffs.
"Really? REALLY? I thought I taught you better than that."
"NOT NOW, MOTHER."
You grab the Nyquil. It's the closest thing you have to sleeping pills.
Your mother eyes you suspiciously.
You rip off the cap and down SIGNIFICANTLY more than the recommended dose before you're tackled by your mom.
"Anon, what has gotten into you?"
"Mom, please get off of me. This is really important!"
She throws the Nyquil bottle into the corner of the room.
"Important my ass! I don't know what you THINK you're doing, but overdosing is not okay in this house."
"Mom. PLEASE."
Concern fills her face as she looks down at you.
"Anon, talk to me. What's wrong?"

You look away.
"You... you wouldn't understand."
"Oh COME ON! You're not fourteen anymore! We're both adults here and you know as well as I do that line is bull."
Realizing how stupid you sound, but also realizing how CRAZY you'd sound if you tried to tell her the truth, you say nothing.
You try - and fail - to come up with something. ANYTHING.
You realize it doesn't matter. You've already downed more than enough, and pretty soon now you should be out like a light.
"Come on, Anon. Let's go get your stomach pumped RIGHT NOW and we can talk about this."
Wait, what? NO!
She motions to your dad, who's already standing in the doorway (he must've come up to see what the ruckus was?) and he pulls out his gigantic and impractical cellphone.
He dials 9-1-1 and requests an ambulance.
Neither of your parents care whether or not this counts as a real emergency.
Within five minutes you're being hauled into the back of the ambulance, and you don't try to resist.
They lay you down and speed off.
You close your eyes and chuckle.
You hear fading voices.
"Step on it, he's losing consciousness!"
Something bright is happening outside your eyelids and you do your damndest to ignore it.
You've got a weird tingling feeling in your... well, everything, and it proves much more annoying.
You blink a few times and see a really bright light slowly fading.
You're... in a library? There's books and shit everywhere.
"Uh, Twilight? What is that thing?"

You shoot upright and jerk your head around the room.
Your gaze settles on Dash.
You stare deeply into her eyes.
For several long seconds, nop0ny speaks or moves.
Finally, Dash gives an almost imperceptible nod and you think you can see a little more moisture in her eyes than should be there.
You sigh heavily and proceed to pretend you have no idea what's going on.
At long last, that isn't really the truth anymore. Sure there are unanswered questions, but you're starting to get a good solid hold on this.
At the earliest convenient opportunity, you snag the book when Twilight isn't looking.
You meet with Dash to discuss the situation and fill her in on any details she hasn't pulled out of her dreams.
After she's caught up, the two of you share a quick kiss before turning your attentions to the book.
"So this book here has pretty much all the info about whatever the hay is going on?"
She turns it over in her hooves a few times.
"Yeah. I never finished it either, so there could be something more at the end."
"The author's name is pretty weird. Sue-om-ee-nah-nah?"
You glance over at the cover.
Suom Ynona. Yeah, that's definitely odd. Doesn't sound much like a pony name, but you suppose there are plenty of non ponies around.
Like you. Anony Mous sure isn't a pony's name.
Face, meet palm.

A moment of processing...
As much sense as that ALMOST makes, that's the stupidest idea you've had in ages. How would that even be possible?
You hold out a hand and Dash sets the book in it.
You crack open the cover and read the first few pages. The 'dedications' and 'published by' and other nonsense that always gets glossed over.
There are two dates in the publishing information. The first one is...
November 27th, 1986. That's... that's Thanksgiving. That's TODAY.
That is SO MANY kinds of impossible. The ponies don't even use the same calendar system as you!
The second one makes no sense to you. It's probably their calendar. Why the fuck would both be in there?
Dash is looking over your shoulder at the book.
You turn to her.
"How long ago was this?"
She looks up and puts a hoof to her chin, doing some math in her head.
"Like... 26 years."
You look back at the book and find the 'about the author' blurb.
As expected, it's a bunch of generic praise.
And the author's age is... exactly 26 years higher than yours.
There's just no way...
"And how long are years here?"
"Uh, 365 days?"
Their days do seem to be pretty much the same length, and as ridiculous as this train of thought is, you can't help but wonder.
You flip to the dedications.
Right there, dedicated to your parents, clear as day. Those are their names.
For always being there blah blah blah supporting my decisions blah blah 'and making the best holiday meals.'
...
...
...

How in the actual fuck?

"I think... I think we need some help with this."
Dash nods.
"Twilight's a genius, I'm sure she can come up with something."
The two of you race back to the library and bust through the door.
"Twilight, we have some questions for you. Please try not to freak out or anything."
"What Anon said. I know this is gonna be really weird, but please, you trust me right? Well -I- trust -HIM-."
"Ooookay. And what... exactly are we talking about, here?"
"Is time travel possible?"
"What?"
"Is it possible to use magic or WHATEVER to go back or forward in time?"
"Well, yes, but it's incredibly risky and difficult. You really really shouldn't."
You drop the book on the nearest table.
"Apparently I already did."
"Excuse me?"
You point at the publishing date.
"That first date? That's the day I showed up here."
"No, you showed up today! If these two are the same dates in different calendars, this is over a quarter century ago."
"I wrote this."
"...what?"
"Suom Ynona. Anon Ymous. Anonymous."
"Don't be absurd! So there's a coincidence in the date and the author's name is an anagram of yours, that doesn't prove anything! You can mix up letters in all sorts of crazy ways, here watch: Twilight Sparkle can be rearranged to spell Walker Tight Lisp."
Dash moves closer to her and puts a hoof on her shoulder.
"Do you trust me?"
"Yes, but this is insane!"
"DO YOU TRUST ME?"

"..."
She sighs.
"Yes. Yes I do, Rainbow."
"He wrote this. Now we need to figure out how. And why."
"... Okay."
You sit down at the table.
"You said time travel is possible. That's a start. Have you ever seen it done?"
"Seen it? I've PERSONALLY done it, and I really don't recommend it."
"Not important. All these stupid coincidences, it would make plenty of sense if time was synchronized between our dimensions or realms or universes or whatever, right?"
"I suppose. Synchronized time-planes would make a lot of equations much easier to solve."
"So if that's true, then why am I 26 years in my future?"
You can see the gears spinning and feel the heat of her brain working the issue.
"The spell you used to bring me here, how complicated was it? If someone as smart as you would have a chance of messing it up, I'd guess it's pretty ridiculous."
Her eyes widen and she nods.
"I think I see a possibility. There's an unbounded matrix in the sixth quadrant of circle four between phases two and three. If the energy flow isn't regulated..."
Dash rolls her eyes.
"And for normal folks? We're not all rocket surgeons, egghead."
"Sorry... I... yes. I can't think of a simpler way of explaining the details, but it's entirely possible that the process could reach forward or backward in time when locating the target."
You stand and slap your hands on the table.
"Okay then. I'm reasonably convinced that's what happened. 26 years later, from MY point of view, I wrote this book. We still don't know how or why, but I'm guessing part of the reason is to give myself clues."

Twilight smiles.
"And prevent a time paradox. If you had the book before, you have to produce it later so that causality is maintained."
"Not important right now. Maybe 20 whatever years later, but not now. Right now I need to figure out what exactly I was trying to tell myself. I'm betting it has something to do with the dragon uprising."
Twilight gasps.
"How do you know about that? Yes, that's... what I originally brought you here for, but when it turned out I had the wrong target-"
"You didn't mess up. I AM the one you want. Somehow I'm connected to an ancient artifact that has some mysterious spooky doom powers, and the dragon king wants it bad."
"We CAN'T let him get what he wants."
"It's that dangerous?"
All the happiness leaves your face, as well as Dash's.
For some terrible reason, the book offers no further clues. Pretty much everything after the place where you stopped reading before is dick jokes.
You definitely wrote this, and you hate yourself for it.
Twilight said something about you not being able to add more information than you originally had without risking damage to spacetime or something, but you still think it's a load of crap.
With nothing else to go on, you and six ponies (guess which!) make a trek to the location of the artifact. If nothing else, you can get there before the dragons do and hide it somewhere safer.

The entire way, just to be safe, Twilight is on high alert - scanning for even the slightest anomaly in the magic spectrum.
When you get close, she mentions feeling something and gets excited.
As you close in, her excitement turns to worry.
"This can't be right. The signal shouldn't be increasing this quickly!"
She receives only blank stares in response.
"Something is wrong, okay? If there's a loud sound and you walk closer to it, it'll gradually get louder. The same principle applies here, but it's too fast."
Somewhere in your head, some observations and memories tumble into place.
"Let's stop for a minute."
Rarity gives an exaggerated shiver.
"But it's so COLD out here. Surely we shouldn't spend any more time out here than is necessary?"
You keep your eyes on Twilight and notice the perplexed look on her face.
"It's... still getting stronger?"
Last time, the artifact had a weak glow to it at first, but just before you went back it was incredibly bright.
You're the key.
"We need to turn around."
Applejack gives a light stomp of frustration.
"But we're so gosh darn close!"
Twilight's eyes are widening.
"NOW!"

You turn and start sprinting away.
The others are shouting, but you aren't listening. A bit later you can still hear them, so you assume they're following.
You stop once you're out of breath, and you collapse into the snow.
Unsurprisingly, Dash is the first to catch up to you. She would've been there FIRST if you didn't have such a head start.
It doesn't take Twilight as long as expected to catch up, either.
"Anon, what are you-"
"It's weakening!"
You and Dash turn to Twilight.
"Okay, so you're not just 'connected' to it. Somehow your presence ACTIVATES it. We need to keep it as far away from you as we can. I recommend we put you-"
"NO. He knows where it is, and last time he took it and came to me."
The others catch up just as you've lost Twilight.
"Last time?"
Right, Dash is the only one that knows the whole story...
You groan, not wanting to explain the whole thing again, knowing you'll have to.
"Let's... go back first. I'll explain then."

All of you arrive back at the library and you begin explaining most of your experiences.
You leave out anything alluding to your relationship with Dash.
Fluttershy and Rarity both raise a hoof.
Dash rolls her eyes.
"What are we, in school all of a sudden?"
Rarity and Fluttershy both blush lightly and lower their hooves. Rarity turns to Fluttershy.
"You go first, dear."
"Shouldn't we... tell the Princesses about all this?"
Spike walks out of the kitchen, carrying a tray of sandwiches.
"Already done. Sent it off right after Anon mentioned doom."
Twilight grabs spike in a big hug.
"You are the BEST assistant, Spike."
"Yeah, yeah, I know."
Rarity looks at Spike for a few seconds before gazing back at you.
"So, why did Rainbow Dash trust you from the start?"
"Oh, she didn't. It took a bit to win her over the first time, but it got easier after that."
"You mean... she REMEMBERED you?"

Dash blushes.
"Not exactly... look, nevermind that right now."
Twilight stands abruptly.
"No, do NOT nevermind that right now. It could be critically important! If you kept returning home and appearing here at the same times, you should be able to have any impact at all!"
Rarity scrutinizes the exact nature of Dash's blush and the way she shuffles her limbs.
A smile spreads across her face.
"Anon, you sly dog, you..."
You and Dash both blush deeply.
For all her skill with magic and science and books, Twilight is fairly slow in matters of the heart.
"Rarity, what are you talking about?"
"It's quite simple, Twilight. Rainbow Dash remembers our charming little human because they're in love, and love conquers all."
Twilight does her best 'are you freaking kidding me' face.
"Okay, one? Ew. And two? It doesn't work that way. Love may be incredibly powerful. Perhaps even more so than friendship, but it can't violate causality. Something else is at work here."
Pinkie suddenly jumps up.
"WAIT A MINUTE, DASHIE FOUND LOVE AND I DIDN'T THROW HER A PARTY?"
"Pinkie, please, now is HARDLY the time for a party! We'll have to celebrate her... exotic beau some other time."
"THE ARTIFACT!"
All eyes are on Twilight.

"It's not a doomsday device at all! It's a time machine!"
Blank stares, all around. Yes, time travel is involved, we already knew that.
She rolls her eyes.
"It's a time machine that none of us, nor the dragons, know exactly how to use! Imperfect time travel can have all sorts of unusual effects. Unresolved energy ripples can cause distortions all over the place, but they would be most strongly tied to locations and entities that the target associated with!"
Rarity flutters her eyelashes.
"So if a pony were... intimate... with this 'target', there's no telling exactly how much of a distortion it could cause?"
You and Dash simultaneously start denying the implied level of intimacy.
Fluttershy looks back and forth between the two of you and blushes.
There's a loud burp from upstairs, followed shortly by Spike bounding down the stairs.
Twilight grabs the scroll he's carrying and snaps it open before reading aloud.
"Hello Spike, it's a pleasant surprise to hear from you. I am afraid I'm incredibly busy at the moment, and as we all discovered recently, Twilight can get a little crazy when time travel is involved. Please keep an eye on her and write me again if the situation worsens."
She drops the letter.
"I can't believe this... Celestia thinks I'm crazy?"
Spike taps her.
"Well, you do remember the Tuesday Morning Incident. Right?"
"UGH, this is SERIOUS!"
"That... that is kind of exactly what you said last time."

Well shit. No royal assistance, you can't get close to the artifact, and the dragons are not likely to be persuaded.
Dash hovers near the door.
"I'm going to go move it."
"But we can't..."
"No, ANON can't. I'm going to zip out there and snatch it and hide it as far away from anything as I possibly can. The rest of you stay here."
All of you nod hesitantly. It does make sense.
As soon as she's out the door, Twilight's lecturing.
"This doesn't actually solve the problem. It's just a delaying tactic. We still don't know exactly what the dragons are after, how the artifact works, or how you fit into all this."
Pinkie bounces happily.
"Or how he got here a bazillion years ago when he wrote the book!"
"Or that. So this is far from over."
You cross your arms.
"For now, the best thing to do is prepare to handle the dragons when they show up. Maybe we can get some answers out of them."
"How do we even know they WILL come here? If they can't find the artifact, why bother?"
"Even if they don't know where IT is, they know where I am."

The six of you spend the next several days doing your best to prepare Ponyville to stand against a horde of dragons.
Each day, you grow more and more worried that Dash hasn't returned yet.
Five days later, a blue dot appears on the horizon and Dash clumsily lands near the edge of town, apparently having passed out while airborne.
She's in terrible condition. Dirty, covered in small cuts and bruises, clearly way past exhausted, and she's got a nasty looking scar on her chest.
You excuse yourself from siege preparation duties to tend to her, and the others understand.
When she comes to, she won't stop smiling at you.
"They'll NEVER get it now."
"Great. That's... great, but what the hell happened to you?"
"Don't worry about it. Gimme a few days and I'll... I'll be fine."
You brush the matted hair out of her eyes and hold her hoof.
"So then, Equestria is saved?"
She nods.
"More importantly, YOU'RE saved."
She's sniffling and about to start crying.
"Now you... now you don't ever have to leave me again."
You bend down and hug her tight.
"I would never leave you."
"I know you didn't do it on purpose, but you did. Every time I woke up from my dreams..."
Fuck, you're such a sap. Now you're holding back tears.
You tighten the hug and she winces.
"How'd you get the scar?"
"'Snot important. It's all to keep you here, so it's worth it."
She snuggles her muzzle into your chest.
You're not sure how it hasn't hit you before, but you're pledging your love to a member of another species.
Somehow, this doesn't bother you in the slightest. It's... completely natural.
Of COURSE you love her. She's... she's herself, and that's all that matters.

The alarm sounds. They're here.
You reluctantly release Dash from your embrace and rush out the door.
It's a smaller squadron than last time. Just fifteen or so, but they're closing in astonishingly fast.
And what's that sound? It's already pretty damn loud, and it's only getting louder...
It's the king. He's roaring and he does NOT seem happy.
Probably pretty fucking pissed off that the artifact was gone.
They land just outside of town, and you run over to find five ponies already staring them down.
Regular staring. Fluttershy hasn't unleashed the beast just yet.
"WHERE IS IT?"
Rarity puts a hoof to her chin as you continue sprinting.
"Hmmm... no, I'm afraid I simply don't have a clue. I know where it ISN'T, but that's about all I could tell you."
He lunges toward her and spews a gout of flame as big as a house.
Twilight quickly erects a magic barrier just large enough to include you.
"What do you want?"
"YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I WANT! YOU TOOK IT!"
Twilight shakes her head.
"Not that. What's your goal? Your plan? Why do you need it?"
"That is NOT your concern, pony!"
You snap your fingers.
"Fluttershy. Now."
He's completely paralyzed and he has no idea why. He's terrified out of his mind of this puny little pegasus, and apparently even in some pain.
Good.

QUESTION FROM THE AUDIENCE:
How did spike get back from the dragons or whatever? In the earlier universes wasn't he with the dragons or whatever and anon was living alone with Twilight? Small thing but shit like that bothers me to no end.
ANSWER:
He was on a political mission.
Assume Twilight called him back early when Anon revealed his first round of secrets (placing certain other things at a much higher priority and revealing there was no intent to negotiate so his presence was useless), but before going to retrieve the artifact.

You step forward, out of the barrier, and look up at him.
"Send your goons home."
He roars impotently.
"We can do this the easy way or the hard way. Your call."
He struggles and snarls for a minute before snapping at his underlings.
"LEAVE US."
They shoot him an inquisitive look.
"YOU ARE OF NO HELP NOW. GO AND ASSIST WITH THE SIEGE OF CANTERLOT."
Everyp0ny gasps.
"What, did you not think conquest was at least a portion of my goal?"
"If you're confident that you can take Canterlot, then why do you even NEED the artifact?"
"So that my enemies cannot use it against me! Whether I have designs for it or not isn't relevant. Do you know how potent the ability to change history IS in the wrong claws?"
"Then we're agreed for once! None of us want to see it used. That's precisely WHY we've hidden it. It needs to stay buried where it can't cause any damage."
"And why should I believe any of you? What benefit do you derive from NOT reversing my deeds?"
You shake your head.
"Trust me. The risks are WAY higher than any of us are willing to chance."
"Burying is not enough. Unless it is DEFENDED, it WILL be found and it WILL be exploited. It was hidden in a sealed vault in the mountains in the middle of nowhere, and still it was within your power and mine to locate it."
"Good point. Fluttershy, can you turn it up a little?"
She's visibly strained, but it looks like she complies.
"How did YOU find it?"
He's barely suppressing a whimper. Note to self, don't fuck with Fluttershy.
"Pure chance! Please... call off your demon!"

After a moment of hesitating, you give a small nod.
Fluttershy relaxes to a near-normal state.
He's still immobile, but visibly more comfortable.
"HOW did you find it?"
His breathing is ragged.
"26 years ago... my mages detected an energy spike near the vault. We made a note of it and started a low priority search, but it took time to come up with any results. Until recently, we didn't have the location pinpointed. In fact, it probably would have taken a little LONGER to find if not for some anomolous activity a few days ago."
26 again. You know what? Fuck that number. 26 is a STUPID number, and anything relating to it or based on it can go straight to hell.
Spike is running toward you guys, frantically waving a letter.
"Twilight! I think... I think you'd better see this!"
"Spike, we're a LITTLE busy right now!"
"Seriously! We've got a problem! Canterlot is in trouble and they need the Elements RIGHT NOW!"
The dragon laughs.
You kick him, but it only makes him laugh harder.
Fluttershy anxiously shifts her hooves.
"It's... it's okay. Defending Canterlot is more important. I'm sure this son of a bitch has better places to be right now."
Fluttershy lets him go.
He slowly rises into the air.
"How right you are. Another time, then?"
Five ponies gallop back into town while you stand there like an idiot wondering what to do next.
They'll go off and save the day while you... think about that stupid number?
Wait, no, that can't work, Dash is injured!
You take off running.
She's already gone. Either her wounds aren't as bad as they look or she's going anyway.
Probably going anyway.

You can't find a trace of any of them. They're already on the move at a much faster pace than you could hope to keep up with.
You HATE feeling so useless. Without any other options, you head back to the library.
"Spike, got some time?"
You scour the book you wrote for any trace of information you might have missed while Spike combs through various records looking for more information about it.
You turn up more dick jokes. Thanks, future self.
Spike is slightly more successful. He finds that the original manuscript was left at the doorstep of a small publishing house, asking only for the proper credits and special thanks sections and forsaking any profit.
They were happy to comply, and the book had a small printing run of a few thousand copies.
It was met with moderate praise, though critics felt the second half was much weaker and more crass than the first.
Though this is technically a small victory, it actually tells you nothing useful.
26 years ago, you had finished this book and left it on a doorstep.
26 years ago, the dragons detected the first hint of the artifact.
26 years in the FUTURE, you'll write the book.
And it feels like there's something else you're forgetting...
You didn't notice the time passing. It's late, and the door creaks open.
A tired looking Twilight with a few small singed sections in her mane flops onto the nearest cushioned surface.
"You're back!"
"Yeah. Sleep now."
"No, not sleep now! How did... is... is everything okay?"
It's a little hard to see with her face buried in pillowy goodness, but she nods.
"Mfmmshfmmf"
Can't understand a word.

"Say again?"
She lifts her head.
"We used the Elements and fought them all off. There's some fairly extensive structural damage, but very few injuries and no casualties. We win. Yay."
She drops her face back down.
"Where are the others?"
"Mfrghmrf"
You pick her up and give her a light shake.
"Where's Dash?"
"Clinic. Sprained wing."
You unceremoniously drop her and make a break for the door.
Dash is okay, you're okay, everything's okay. OKAY.
You're still kinda jittery. Sortof a 'what now' feeling.
What ARE you going to do now? You still have an obligation to the future/past, and you still don't know what happened by the vault 26 years ago, but there are no more impending threats.
You're having a hard time shifting out of crisis mode when there are still unresolved threads.
Plus, Dash can't fly for a few days! Really, she should be in bed for a few weeks given her overall condition, but she won't have it.
She's only going to stay off her wing until it's better, and then it's right back to the sky.
At the moment, she's sleeping peacefully.
You watch her chest rise and fall, the scar healing nicely.

The next morning, an idle thought sneaks into your head as you watch Dash, still sleeping.
What state are you in back home?
Every time you go back, you end up right where you left.
But if you stay gone... what happens to you?
Do your parents mourn for you as your Nyquil-coma goes on for days or weeks or months and they slowly lose hope?
You're very happy here. You've found love, and somehow it feels like you belong, but still...
Twilight brought you here. Is there any reason moving back and forth wouldn't be possible?
You kiss Dash on the forehead and she smiles a sweet, sleepy smile.
You leave the room and go back to the library.
"Oh, hi Anon. What's up?"
"Not much. I was just wondering about the spell you used to bring me here."
"That? What about it?"
"Do you think it's at all possible for me to go back?"
"Anon!"
"No, no. I intend to stay here I just... I wonder if maybe I could say goodbye, y'know?"
"Well, that's probably fine. Actually yes, I'm pretty sure I can send you back without TOO much trouble. I got a fairly solid lock on your location the first time, which is why I was so surprised when I thought I messed it up."
Right, that's what you're forgetting. In addition to 26/26/26 bullshit, you still have no idea why the artifact is linked to you or how you got tangled up in these ponies' crazy prophecies.
All that should wait, though.
"If you do... would there be any time effects?"

"Hm? Oh, no. This would be a lot less complex than the original spell. You would go back to exactly where you left from."
Alright, this sounds pretty good. Gotta be a catch, though. That's WAY too convenient.
"And then how do I get back to here and now?"
She coughs.
"Is... that part a problem?"
"I... hadn't considered that. Yes and no. This could only send you over and back once. You're tied much more strongly to your origin than to here, and without some serious power we can't just pull you back."
"Power like how I got here to begin with?"
"That won't work a second time. The prophecy has already been fulfilled. To come back again, I need to anchor you here and then you need to cut your bond to your origin."
"Cut my bond?"
She gulps.
"You need to, um... die."
Well THAT'S going to take some thinking.
"Need a while?"
You nod and leave, your mind still spinning a bit.
Your old life. Your friends. Your family.
Your new life. Your love.
You really can only have one.
You're fairly certain you know what the right choice is, but still... this is heavy.

Sixty posts is too long: A Recap of this thing http://pastebin.com/yyGMbxcn

Thanksgiving, 1986. Delicious turkey.
Pass out, standard food coma.
Awaken in Equestria. Many WTFs.
Befriend the ponies, especially Dash.
Become total bros with Dash.
Start reading some fantasy novel from the library.
Learn about some political power struggle and some sort of magical artifact of doom.
It has to do with the reason you were summoned here, but Twilight messed it up and got you instead of the chosen pony.
Realize the book is ABOUT those things in a sneaky way. It never says it directly, but it's obvious.
Use book learnings to determine location of artifact.
Enter the cave.
OH GOD THE KING OF THE DRAGONS FUCK FUCK FUCK
He has Dash and he's threatening to hurt her.
Fluttershy is surprisingly badass.
All of you work together to 'win'.
Lolno.

Wake up tied up.
Others tied up, too.
This looks like the end.
Dash... has a confession to make.
She kinda... sorta... feels like maybe you two are more than just bros.
Before you can process those feels, he activates the artifact.
You open your eyes to find... you're back home. Thanksgiving, 1986. Right where you passed out.
Dafuq?
Try and fail to shake the confusion. Go to bed, hoping your head will clear in the morning.
Wake up back in Ponyville, apparently on the day you originally arrived there.
Straight up start explaining like a lunatic.
Of course, they don't believe you.
Twilight goes to check out the book you were talking about.
Maybe Dash believes you?
She's been having weird dreams... stuff a lot like what you said happened.
You have a talk about feels.
Twilight comes back down with the artifact.
It activates.

You wake up at home, Thanksgiving 1986.
FUCK THIS SHIT.
Back to bed.
Wake up, again on your first day in Equestria.
Keep your stupid mouth shut this time.
Gradually make friends with the ponies, especially Dash.
Do NOT check that book out from the library.
You and Dash get to be pretty close.
One day she has something to tell you.
You start to panic because the last two times... didn't end well.
You brush her off and emphasize what a BRO she totally is to you.
Can't stand to see her heart break like that.
Try to tell her the truth.
Can't do it... too hard. Too afraid.
She kisses you.
Myth: you two are just bros.
Status: busted.
Let it all out.
SO MANY FEELS.
... nothing bad happens.
Everythingwentbetterthanexpected.
And then the dragons came.

HAHA WE GON' FUCK YO SHIT
Prepare the Fluttershy!
Begin inquisition. SPILL IT MOTHERFUCKER.
He tells you a few thing, but not many before the artifact hanging from his neck activates.
You wake up at home, Thanksgiving 1986.
NO.
NYQUIL. NOW. (closest thing you have to sleeping pills)
Parents flip the fuck out, thinking you're trying to OD and kill yourself.
They call an ambulance and you pass out on the way to the hospital.
Wake up in Ponyville, first day.
Look at Dash.
Really STARE up in her face.
Something in her head clicks. She gets it.
She nods.
Pretend stuff is normal.
Yoink the book and run off to meet up with Dash.
Examine book.
Published... Thanksgiving, 1986? By an author whose name is VERY reminiscent of yours?
And what's this? 1986 was apparently 26 years ago? And the author is 26 years older than you?
All brains please evacuate to the nearest floor via the ear.

Turns out the artifact has a tendency to activate in your presence.
Dash goes and hides it somewhere.
Dragons show up, but fuckin' Fluttershy is a BEAST.
Dragons repelled from Ponyville (AND Canterlot).
Artifact is some kinda crazy time machine, Dragons just wanted to make sure nobody else got it.
They first detected it... 26 years ago.
Twilight figures out a way to send you home, but then to return to Equestria you need to die.
If you want, you can return to your old life.
Alternatively, you can stay here, but you know that's no good. If nothing else, your friends and family need closure.
So the 'stay here' option becomes go home, say goodbye, and kill yourself.
Well, fuck.

AND NOW, WE CONTINUE!

You've made up your mind.
Life on Earth was fine, but it was never QUITE right.
Sure, there were good times and bad times, but looking back there were never any truly FULFILLING experiences.
Damn, when you say it that way you sound kinda pathetic.
Still, you do love your family and your friends deserve at least a farewell.
All the preparations have been made, and you stand before Twilight.
"I'm ready."
She nods.
"Since you're going to be crossing a few barriers in addition to time, you may end up a little off."
This worries you.
"How off?"
"Oh, no, nothing serious. Just, when you wake up you could be a few hours before or after you expect."
That's... acceptable.
You close your eyes, exhale, and nod.

You're lying on your back.
Your body feels heavy.
You start to sit up, but there's a dull ache in your stomach.
You burp, and you... you do more than burp. You're vomiting.
You open your eyes.
You're in a hosptial room, spewing a nasty mixture of turkey and Nyquil all over yourself.
Your mother springs up from the chair on the other side of the room and cradles your head.
"Oh, Anon, I was so worried!"
You wipe your arm across your mouth, trying to remove the excess awfulness.
"It's-"
You cough a few times.
"It's okay, mom. I'm... I'm fine."
She's sobbing uncontrollably into your hair.
"Why, Anon? We love you, don't you know that?"

Some faint footsteps nearby suddenly get louder and faster.
Your dad runs into the room carrying a cup of coffee.
"Anon! Don't you EVER do that again, you hear me?"
Your parents hug you tightly.
Your mom pulls away and looks you in the eyes.
"Please, Anon, don't leave us."
Well THIS is going to be harder than you thought.
Your resolve is wavering. Can you really do this to them?
Shit, they still need something. They can't... you can't just keep them in the dark, but there's no way they could ever understand.
You can't exactly lie to them about it, though.
Come on, say SOMETHING. ANYTHING!
FUCKING DAMN IT, LOOK AT YOUR MOM! DO NOT LEAVE HER LIKE THIS!
"I'm... I'm sorry. I just, I thought maybe if... everything was always just a little wrong, you know? Like my life was a lie or a dream, and I needed to wake up."
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING? WHAT KIND OF LAME SHIT IS THAT?
Apparently some effective shit. Your mom's face loses a lot of its color, and she nervously looks at your dad.
"Honey... I think... I think Anon needs to know."
"No way. Look at the state he's in! He's in no condition to have this kind of bullshit sprung on him."
"You HEARD what he said... it's hard for us, but it's harder for him."

"I can't... we... I thought we agreed..."
Her gaze hasn't wavered.
"..."
He takes a sip of his coffee.
"... fine."
He downs the rest of it in one mighty gulp.
"Son... your mother and I haven't been entirely honest with you."
Goddamnit, not NOW. You're already having a hard enough time doing this, you can't fucking deal with anything else.
Just before you left, she warned you. The anchor would last less than a day. You have things to take care of, and you really can't afford to waste any time.
"You're... there's maybe a good reason you've always felt a little out of place."
Wait, what, really? NOW, after you've already decided to abandon your old life, they come forward with a revelation that could change everything?
FUCK this is terrible. You almost want to be MAD at them for waiting so long to tell you something important like this, but you can't find any anger to give out.
"You... son, 26 years ago, we adopted you. You were way too little to remember. We just..."
Are those... manly tears?
"We've always loved you son. Don't ever think otherwise. Blood doesn't make family."
More manly tears? From... you?
This scene... it's beautiful.
Wait.
Wait.
NO.
Please, if there is a god, no.
Did he say... 26 years?

You can't go back now.
It might be selfish of you, but you just can't.
Your love is back on the other side.
You really don't belong here. Not just that you were adopted, but there is NO way the number 26 is a coincidence.
You need to know.
The UNIVERSE needs to know. Wouldn't not writing that book cause a time paradox?
You're discharged from the hospital and you lock yourself in the guest room of your parents house.
You sob your way through several tearful goodbyes on the phone.
Every single person asks where you're going and why they won't see you again.
You try your best to make up stories for each of them, hoping they'll leave your friends with happy memories and a sense of closure.
You finish going down your list, and you go get your family.
Your parents, your sister, and your niece are all in the room.
The best story you could come up with was something about going on a search for your biological parents.
They don't seem satisfied.
Your niece doesn't understand what everyone's talking about.
"Can I go watch the ponies?"
Oh god, why. Why did it have to be ponies...
Your eyes are misting up again.
"I... I'm gonna hit the road. It's a long drive back."

You shrug off their protests and head out the door.
Once you're out of town, you purposefully take a wrong turn.
You want to leave as little evidence behind as possible.
You stop at a random gas station and pick up a bottle of Nyquil.
You get back to the car and put the pedal to the metal and blast down the highway, trying to cover as much distance as possible.
After a while, you slow down and pull off the road.
You carefully wedge the car as deep into the woods as you can, hoping it won't be found for a very long time.
This is easily the most difficult thing you've ever done.
You take a hike through the cold, dark unknown until you feel you've gone far enough.
You look up to the moon and raise the bottle, but can't think of an appropriate toast to make.
Fuck it.
You down the entire bottle, strip down to your underwear, and lie in the snow.
It's cold and uncomfortable. You're bad at suicide.
It doesn't matter. It's cold enough that you won't survive.
You close your eyes and shiver, nearly naked, alone and cold in the woods.

Your eyes snap open and start shivering uncontrollably.
You're in the library. It's dark, but you can hear snoring coming from upstairs.
Your body realizes it is NOT currently freezing to death, and the shaking slows.
You slump to the floor and cry softly for several minutes.
Real parents or not, your father was right.
They were your family, and you will miss them.
There are a lot of things you'll miss.
But there are so many more to look forward to.
You feel happier here.
You've found love.
You have a destiny that gives you both purpose and responsibility.
You made the right choice. You know you did.
You can't ever question that.
It would BREAK you.
This is your life now. You belong here.
You dry your tears and stand as tall as you can.
You stride out the door into the night.
Each step is firm and full of purpose.
You're going to the clinic.
It's too cold to sleep alone.

The next morning, you reluctantly tear yourself away from Dash's embrace and head into town.
If you're going to enjoy your life here, you can't have any omens hanging over you.
It's time to figure out what happened 26 years ago.
And what's GOING to happen 26 years from now.
You step into the library and Twilight greets you with a sad smile.
"Oh, hi Anon. You're back."
"Yes. I'm... home."
Her smile brightens.
You calmly walk over to the table, still covered in research 'notes' produced by you and Spike.
You snatch paper with the address of the publisher, then a blank scroll and a quill.
You hastily pen a letter to the Princess.
With any luck, the end of this struggle will see her with more time on her hooves and she can respond quickly.
"What's that?"
"Just getting some answers."
She perks up.
"Oh! That reminds me. There's still a lot we don't know, but I think that if we revisit the original prophetic texts with what we've learned we might be able to figure out something new."
You nod.
"Sounds like a plan. I'll be back in a bit."
She scampers off calling for Spike as 'research mode' is engaged.
You return to the clinic and grab some food on the way.
Dash is happy to see food and/or you.

As the two of you make idle chit-chat and shovel grub into your gullets, her scar catches your eye again.
"So..."
You point at it.
"Gonna tell me that particular story?"
"Mmmaybe, but not for free."
"What'll it cost me?"
She smiles deviously and leans toward you.
Twilight bursts into the room, Spike on her back.
"Anon!"
She's holding a letter with her magic.
"We need to get to Canterlot right away!"
Dash is about to hop out of bed, but you hold out an arm to stop her.
"No. You need to rest."
She frowns at you.
"You've done enough."
"Alright, but if I don't get to go, you don't get to hear the story."
"...fine."
She sticks her tongue out at you.
"Whatever. It's better if it stays a secret anyway."

You're in the library looking over things while waiting for the chariot.
Celestia responded REAL quick.
As one of the rulers of Equestria, it's pretty important to her that causality be maintained and if there's extra-dimensional beings flipping around in her timestream, she's going to be concerned.
Twilight is angry that she didn't listen to her concerns but jumped right on yours.
The new research didn't turn up much new information. It was a fairly standard 'mysterious seer/fortune teller/gypsy/wizard interprets signs and writes it down' sort of affair.
Trying to apply it to YOU still doesn't make much sense.
A pony unlike any other blah blah from a strange land blah blah that's about it.
Sure, you're from a strange land, but you're not a pony and there's really nothing else in there.
You're going to be really upset if there are no clues ANYWHERE that aren't tied to this 26 bullshit.
The chariot arrives and off you fly.
While in the air, you contemplate all the 26 items.
26 years before, you were adopted, the book was published, and the dragons detected the artifact.
26 years later, you'll write the book.
You definitely can't publish something you haven't written yet, so there's at least one jump through time there.
Wait, you're there already? Is the chariot really fucking fast or do you just think slow?
You step out into the castle courtyard and find yourself face to face with the Princess.
You're not sure, but you feel like you should bow.
Twilight does not. She runs forward and nuzzles her.
"So... what, uh... what's the situation here?"
"Anonymous, 26 years ago-"
Aw, fuck.
Your head hurts already.

"26 years ago, an innocent pegasus couple had their foal taken from them in the night. The guards received several reports of a large dragon attempting to sneak through the town, but at the time the two events were thought to be unrelated."
You stare blankly.
"I trust you understand?"
"No, Princess. No I do not."
"One night, 26 years ago, events were set in motion that would lead to your presence here. Many factors indicate none of this was coincidence."
"I'm still not sure I understand what you're getting at."
"Anonymous, I believe you must use the artifact to travel back and discover the truth."
You shake your head.
"No way. Every time I get near that thing, it sends me away!"
"Then perhaps another can go, but it must be done."
"Don't you need me to activate it?"
"Possibly, but we don't know for certain. Still, if it can't be done any other way, we will need your assistance. Where is it hidden?"
"I have no idea! Dash took care of that."
A clattering sound rings out, followed by yelling.
You all turn your head to see...
A member of the castle staff, having dropped what he was carrying, yelling at a pegasus.
"Dash?"
She freezes and turns to look at you.
"Uh... hi."
"What are you doing here? You should be back at the clinic in Ponyville!"
"Heh, yeah. Um, oops?"
A thunderous roar echoes off of the castle walls as a gust of wind blows from above.

He's back, and he doesn't look happy.
He swoops down on you and Celestia instinctively jumps back, pulling Twilight with her.
He pins you underneath his claws and snaps angrily in no particular direction.
"WHERE IS THE ARTIFACT?"
Dash tenses up, about to charge forward, but Celestia holds up a wing.
"Don't provoke him."
He presses a razor sharp claw against your neck and glares at Dash.
"YOU HAVE THREE SECONDS."
"Don't tell him-"
He presses down harder and you find yourself unable to speak, a small trickle of blood making his claw glisten in the sun.
"TWO..."
You wheeze helplessly.
Dash is trembling.
"ONE..."
"IT'S IN A CAVE ON A CLIFFSIDE NEAR THE SOUTH POLE!"
He turns his claw so that the flat of it is still holding you in place, but you're no longer in danger of being shredded.
"Good girl."
Celestia scowls at him.
"What do you want?"
"I WANT MY KINGDOM BACK!"
Twilight stomps a hoof in anger.
"We didn't take it from you! YOU were invading US!"
"AND MY SUBJECTS NO LONGER WISH TO SERVE A FAILURE. I WILL UNDO THIS."

Celestia glares at him.
"Time is not to be trifled with."
"-I- AM NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH! I will have the artifact, and I will correct the travesties that have occured!"
Dash's wings flare.
"You can't!"
"WHO ARE YOU TO DIRECT ME?"
"No, I mean you CAN'T! Knowing where it is isn't good enough! It's locked up tight, and you don't have the key!"
He turns his claw back, the blade once more at your throat, ready and willing to end you.
"That's simple enough to fix. I assume you know where the key is?"
She breaks eye contact with him and stares at her hooves.
"YOU WILL TELL ME."
"...I have it."
He smiles. His expression is disgusting.
"Bring it to me."
She slowly trots forward.
"Well?"
"Well what?"
"Where is it?"
Defiance and anger fill her face.
"Right here."
"DON'T TOY WITH ME, PONY! WHERE IS THE KEY?!"
She touches a hoof to the scar on her chest.
"Right here! I figured the best way to keep it safe was to guard it personally."

He's gone.
Dash is bleeding profusely on the ground, a gaping wound in her chest.
Celestia is summoning medical assistance.
Twilight is freaking out.
You're still in shock.
How did he even...
He came out of nowhere! How could he have known where you where?
Not important. Stay with Dash. Maybe wrap some gauze around your neck.
Everything is a blur. Before you realize anything has happened, your neck is wrapped and you, Twilight, Celestia, and Dash are all in the castle infirmary.
Dash is apparently stable now, lying on a bed over there.
She is NOT to be disturbed or allowed to get up.
"What do we do now?"
"Calm yourself, Twilight. The only method for using the artifact we know of right now involves Anon."
"Hey, uh, question. How does that actually help?"
"We just need to keep you somewhere safe."
"I dunno, the center of the castle should be fairly safe, but he had no trouble finding me and barging in."
"An open sky is hardly defensible."
"Okay sure, so a bunker. How do we stop him from finding me? How DID he find me?"
Twilight snaps out of it.
"The artifact!"
"What about it?"
"Energy ripples! It has all sorts of unpredictable effects on places or entities who've had significant contact with you!"
"But he HASN'T. I've only ever bumped into him for a few minutes at a time."
Celestia flashes a knowing smile.
"I wouldn't say that. I think everything's becoming clear."
You stop yourself from disrespectfully disagreeing.

Twilight does it for you.
"Yeah, as clear as mud. Princess, what is going ON here?"
"Think carefully. He is clearly a fierce and ruthless warrior. Why would he need power over time to regain his kingdom?"
"They no longer believe in him. He's lost their trust."
"With his style of ruling? I doubt he ever had that. I don't think his recent actions are what he wants to undo."
You and Twilight both stare, heads slightly tilted.
Celestia chuckles.
"Isn't it odd that he seemed to know Anonymous was the key? Nothing indicates that. You had to deduce it from experiencing activation firsthand."
You remain quite lost, but Twilight is visibly thinking.
She turns to address you directly.
"If I recall, during your 'first' encounter, he didn't even know your name. So how could he know what you are?"
Twilight's eyes widen and you swear you can HEAR everything click in her head.
She struggles to hold in a laugh.
"Ah, I see you understand. Time is funny like that, isn't it?"
"Could one of you please fill me in here?"
Twilight wipes a tear of laughter from her eye.
"Oh, Anon, everything is fine. Everything 26 years ago is taken care of. It already happened!"

Celestia steps forward.
"The only thing we need to worry about is retrieving the artifact again, and given that he'll come right back for you, it won't be hard to find."
"No more. Explain. Now."
"Anon! That's no way to speak to royalty."
"Don't care. I think I of all people deserve to understand what's going on here."
"It's okay. He's understandably agitated, and if we can help him we should. I'd like for all of my little ponies to be happy."
Twilight puts a hoof on you.
"Okay. Listen, it's all a lot simpler than you think."
"I'm waiting."
"26 years ago-"
You groan.
"-the dragons were looking into that silly prophecy. They had plans, and they knew there was a pony who would be able to get in their way. Not taking any chances, their king took matters into his own claws and went to take care of the problem. Somehow, he found the pony in the prophecy. A tiny little pegasus in Canterlot. He swooped into town late at night to track him down, but he was spotted and had to flee quickly. He wasn't prepared for war yet. He tried to kill the pony, probably just with a quick blast of fire. He thought he succeeded when he couldn't find a trace of the pony and whatever detection method was used came up empty, but that's not exactly what happened."
"This doesn't sound very simple to me."
She rolls her eyes.
"The artifact's signal was detected around the same time. But it was buried away and shouldn't have been active. It only activated because you were in mortal danger. Without you being close enough to engage it directly, it couldn't move you through time. So instead it moved you as far AWAY as it could, and to keep you safe it converted you into a local lifeform."

No fucking way.
This is WAY too contrived and ridiculous. You can buy that you're the chosen one, but THIS?
You're a pony who was magically converted into a human to keep you safe and hidden?
Not buying it.
A low, pained moan escapes Dash's lips.
You instinctively jerk over to confirm she's okay.
... it IS a little weird that you have romantic feelings for a pony.
No. No, that's stupid.
This whole thing is stupid, and you're stupid, and the number 26 is stupid.
Twilight clears her throat.
"So, as I was saying, the artifact hid you, but inadvertently allowed the dragons to detect its location when it did. Because their king was with you when it had an imperfect activation, the energy waves affected him. I can't say if his hatred for you is because of the events that have taken place or because of the ripples, but his being able to tell what you are is definitely not natural."
"What, and that's it? Everything's all wrapped up in a neat little bow?"
"Well, yes. That's what Celestia and I were laughing about. Time travel always seems to end up that way. Who knows, maybe it's only even POSSIBLE for it to be like that?"
"Wait, no. It's not perfect yet. That still doesn't explain why I'm not a pony anymore or how the book got published then!"
"Only one of those is related. You're not a pony because -I- brought you here, not the artifact. My spell didn't have any transmutational component to it."
You... this doesn't... no. This is STUPID.
This is WAY too stupid to be true.
"And the book? I thought you said everything that happened 26 years ago was already taken care of?"
She smiles.
"I did. The book didn't happen 26 years ago. It happened 26 years LATER. It's not taken care of yet because you haven't done it yet!"

"And in 26 years, how exactly will I send it 52 years back?"
"Probably the artifact, but I don't know. We still have 26 years to figure it out."
Celestia is beaming.
"Twilight Sparkle, I am so proud of you."
"Wait, no, this still doesn't... why 26 years ago? Sure, 26 years later is when I write it, but why does it get sent back then? It only needs to be here before now, why not 10 years ago, or 70?"
"If I had to guess, I would say because sending it back to that same night would minimize the chance it would get noticed. Much bigger things were happening, and all eyes were on you or the anomaly. One little manuscript would be easy to sneak by."
Dash slowly props herself up.
"Will you guys PLEASE quiet down?"
Your face goes completely white. You guys are ASSHOLES!
You and Twilight sheepishly file out of the room, Celestia following.
"So then... that's it? We're all done for now? Some time waaaay later, I have to write a book that's half subtle clues and half dick jokes, then send it back in time, and all our time nonsense is taken care of?"
Celestia and Twilight both nod.
"...How long do you think it'll be before he comes back for me?"
Celestia puts a hoof to her chin.
"Just a few days, I would imagine. A week at the most. We can prepare a suitable bunker before then."
You start grinning.
"That won't be necessary. Just bring Fluttershy."

One week later...
You peek your head into the room.
"Hey Dash, hungry?"
"Oh yeah! Starving!"
You come around the corner carrying a tray of breakfast delights.
You hold it above your head, kiss her on the nose, and set it down.
She giggles and licks her lips.
"So, they've got the artifact locked up somewhere only Celestia knows this time. Somehow they're still able to do experiments on it. Magical scrying or something, hell if I know."
Between mouthfuls of food tumbling down her throat, some words fall out.
"Shgood. Smart. Got this."
You nod.
"Actually, it's even better than that. They already know exactly how the book goes back, and it's REALLY good news."
She stops shoveling.
"Then why are they still studying it?"
You shrug.
"Eggheads."
She chuckles.
"Yeah. Makes sense. So what's the good news?"
"Oh, right. The stupid thing is low on power - apparently chucking me across dimensions and changing me into a human took a lot of juice. THAT'S why it kept screwing up when it activated. Twilight says there's just enough left to make one small CORRECT leap back. 52 kilogram-years."
Dash stares at you blankly.
"Yeah, I thought the same thing. It means it's got barely more than enough to send back the book, and then it'll dissipate. Poof, no more artifact to worry about."
She pumps a hoof in the air, then winces in pain.
"Careful."
"Yeah, yeah."

Dash is excitedly talking about all the new things she's going to try once she's airborne again.
It should be any day now, the doctors say.
You imagine Dash soaring through the sky. You're a little jealous.
You ARE supposed to be a pegasus, but you're not sure you're ready to give up your body. It's the only thing you have left of your old life.
It's fine, though. There's no time limit or anything.
The offer is on the table. You say the word, and you'll be a pegasus.
No swapping back and forth, though.
Who knows, maybe you'll do it, maybe you won't.
You hug Dash.
Doesn't matter. Everything's great.
It's all taken care of. The only remaining 'problem' is that some time in the next couple decades you have to write some dick jokes.
Oh god. How horrifying. How ever will you make it?
"Hey Anon?"
"Yeah Dashie?"
She blushes. She's still not used to you using that nickname.
"What'd they do with that asshole?"
You aren't sure, but you think this is the first time you've heard a pony use a word like that.
No, not quite. Way back when you FIRST first got here, Fluttershy asked you what 'fuck' meant.
You're glad you didn't tell her.
"Well, they're not letting him out, but Fluttershy's allowed to visit him. She's trying to reform him, and you know what? Crazy bitch just might be able to do it."
She laughs.
"You know, it's a shame we always have to hang out at your place. Cloud furniture is WAY comfy."

You hesitate a moment.
"Am I... attractive?"
"What?"
"Does looking at me rustle your jimmies?"
"Well, I mean, I..."
"You know they can turn me into a pegasus. Give me my 'real' body back. Is that... is that something you'd want?"
"Anon, no way. You do NOT give that up for me. Yeah, you're attractive now, and as a pegasus you'd probably be a total stud, and then we could fly together and spend time at my place and... look, the point is, there's no way I'd ask you to do that for me."
"You sure? If I was a pegasus we could..."
You whisper something several... interesting things in her ear.
*pomf*
Full wingboner.
Huge blush.
"Look, I already told you. If it's something you want to do, I'm for it, but don't let me make the choice for you."
Listen to this crazy broad, telling YOU not to do stupid things for her.
She's the one who had a key hidden IN HER CHEST CAVITY for your benefit.
You are a little jealous of flight.
It would make life easier. Social situations more fluid.
It's apparently your true form.
You know what? Dash's birthday is in a few days. You decide to get the change and surprise her.
You can give up your human body. You're an Equestrian. You chose this life.
The idea that you made the wrong choice never even crosses your mind.

No gore, but I'm marking violence anyway.

It's dark in the cave.
The others tell you you're wrong.
They say it's bright in some places, but you know they're lying.
It's always dark.
"Come on Blinky, you're gonna miss it!"
You're greatful. Really you are, but you've never understood the appeal.
It's always so noisy.
And dark.
"Go on without me. I'll meet our new friend tomorrow."
Squishy groans.
"Fine. You're no fun."
You hear him running off into the distance, his steps making squelching noises that echo off the walls of the world.
For a minute, you hope this one is dead.
It's rare for you to get any; the others are so much better at shoving than you.
But it's always so tasty.
The Maker's 'oopsies' are always so tasty.
You think better of it. You'd appreciate a new friend more than you would a slim chance at an ethereal reward.
The others grow quiet. She must be here.
"Bye bye, Flappy."
A soft thud indicates he or she has been caught.
Flappy, huh? Not very many of you have wings.

You sit on a bench at the edge of town.
You're waiting for Dash. She's supposed to meet you here, but she's probably napping somewhere.
There's a pink splotch bouncing down the road over there.
What would Pinkie be doing in the forest?
You know what, nevermind. You're sure you'd rather not know.
"Hi Anon!"
"Hey Pinkie."
"Watcha doin'?"
"Just waiting for Dash. We're gonna go try rocket-jousting."
Her eyes grow incredibly wide at the word rocket, then absurdly so at the word joust.
She pounces up into your face, smiling so hard you're afraid her face is going to break.
"Can I come? Huh? Can I can I can I?"
"Probably? I really don't know all the details. You'll have to ask her."
She leaps off of you and starts rapidly scanning the sky.
"Where is she?"
"If I knew, I wouldn't be sitting here waiting, now would I?"
Pinkie plops down on the ground and harrumphs.
"I guess I'll just have to wait, too."
"Don't have anything important to take care of today?"
"Nopey-dopey. Well, okay, I DID, but I already did so I don't!"
You shrug, scoot over, and pat the open space on the bench.
In one swift motion, Pinkie rises, jumps, and lands.
Just as she does so, Dash comes streaking out of the sky and slams into the ground.
There's smoke curling off the gleaming metal contraption on her back.
"Hehe... this thing's a little hard to get used to."
"OH MY GOSH DASHIE, CAN I GO WITH YOU GUYS?"
"Uh... sure? What are you even doing out here?"
"I just had to make a delivery."
Dash turns to you and quirks an eyebrow.
You shrug.

You're glad Flappy was alive. She's so much fun to play with, and she can even fly!
Usually the friends with wings can't use them right.
They're at the wrong angle or they're broken or they have holes in them.
But not Flappy! Squishy says her wings are just like in the picture books and they don't have any holes in them and she can fly!
Okay, not quite yet. She can only hover for a little while before she gets tired, but still. She's young, she just needs time.
There's a loud bang sound and Flappy starts crying.
Some friends are running in your direction and yelling.
It's time to hide again.
THEY're here.
You hate them so much. You wish they would all die.
You're really glad Flappy isn't one of them.
An angry and intimidating voice bounces around the world.
"My sources tell me the Maker brought us a winger yesterday. Where is it?"
You huddle and try your best to hide Flappy in a hug.
She's small and they're far away.
"We already ate her. Her neck broke when she landed."
There's a tense silence.
"Mind if we look around?"
"Go ahead!"
Hoofsteps start circling around the area. They're always so impatient, they aren't searching very carefully.
They pass right by you.
You hold your breath.
After a few minutes, you can hear them leaving.
Friends start talking again.
You breath a sigh of relief.
You hear Squishy approaching.
"Is she okay?"
You uncurl and nod.
Flappy giggles happily.

Rocket-jousting is the most amazing (and terrifying) thing you've ever done.
Seriously. You don't even have words to describe it.
Like, fuck, the language center of your brain is shutting down here and the best thing you can come up with is "It's like a cyborg Abraham Lincoln boxing a tyranosaurus rex made of bacon and lava while fucking a supermodel made of cocaine."
And that doesn't make ANY goddamn sense.
You've caught your breath. It's time for another round.
You pick up the rocket and the marshmallow lance (What, you thought you were using real ones? There's a difference between fun/stupid/likely to severely injure you and fun/retarded/almost guaranteed to kill you.)
You glance over at Pinkie.
She's grinning like a crazy mare and making motorcycle revving noises.
You flash her a smile and she nods.
The two of you take your positions.
"ThreetwooneGO!"
Wait, what?
Caught off guard, you're slammed into the ground and dragged a good forty feet under Pinkie.
Your back is chafed beyond belief, and for a moment you don't move. You just lie still and groan.
Pinkie sits on top of you smiling.
"I think I won that round."
You grunt.
For a minute, she spaces out and stares into the distance.
She shakes her head, snaps out of it, and looks back at you.
"Hey Anon?"
"Yeah?"
"Are you doing anything this Saturday?"
Dafuq? Doesn't she have a party to run? Like she does EVERY Saturday? And Sunday? And Monday? And...
"I guess not?"
She looks away for a second and puts a hoof on your chest.
Her eyes loop back around to you as she draws a small circle on you.
"Wanna come over to my place?"
...

The not-friends with horns are always terrible.
You don't know why.
They think they're so special just because they have horns.
But what good are they?
The friends with wings can fly, maybe.
But the horns? Those don't do anything.
Everyone says they make light, but you don't believe in that.
It's always dark.
Sometimes, they talk about leaving the world.
They say there's a place called outside and that's where picture books and balloons and fluffies come from.
NONE of the friends believe that.
Those things come from the Maker, just like everything else.
Even the not-friends.
They don't like the Maker.
None of the friends like them.
Patchy says they're just jealous that the Maker doesn't give them picture books.
Or balloons.
Or fluffies.
Maybe he's right.

Dash trots over.
Pinkie stares into your eyes with a look you can't quite place on her face.
"So do ya?"
Right, you haven't answered yet. Uh...
Dash pushes Pinkie off of you and pulls you up.
Then she steps behind you and removes your rocket.
There were only two, so you have to take turns.
"Come on, Pinkie. Let's see you try that one on ME."
Pinkie continues to stare at you for a few seconds before turning back to Dash and putting on her best serious face.
"Let's ride."
What was THAT about?
Whatever. Pinkie's crazy.
You sit up, gingerly rub your back, and prepare to enjoy the show.
You just wish you had popcorn.
As amazing as Dash is, Pinkie is just unpredictable enough to have a shot.

You and Squishy and Flappy and Patchy and Wobbly all snuggle together for warmth as the little cold starts.
The little cold happens when everyone says it gets dark.
It's unpleasant, but if you huddle together it's not so bad.
Some friends don't like to touch Squishy because he feels different.
He's not poofy and then rough. He's just smooth and wet.
But it's okay because he's a friend and he's warm.
You're happy that it's not the big cold.
Sometimes, after lots and lots of little colds, the big cold comes and ALL the friends have to stay together.
When the big cold comes some of the friends don't make it, but their bodies are good at holding on to the warm.
If all the friends who still make warm stick together, the ones who stopped help make the warm stay.
So instead of being sad, the friends are greatful that the friend traded himself to help share the warm.
But right now isn't the big cold.
It's just a little cold, and all the friends are okay.
Flappy is sleeping peacefully next to you and Patchy.
She has all the warm she needs.

That night, you're walking back home with Dash.
The two of you are going to unwind with movies and booze.
Or booze and movies. Whichever.
"Anon?"
"Hm?"
"Do you... nevermind. It's not important."
"well now you have to tell me."
"It's nothing, really."
You lean in closer.
"Dash..."
"Just... be careful with Pinkie, okay?"
"Watchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?"
"I think she's even crazier than you realize, that's all. I've... heard things."
"Cut the shit, Dash. Just tell me what you're getting at."
She blushes lightly and scuffs a hoof along the ground.
"She may look dinky, but Pinkie is kinky."
"What?"
"That's... that's the saying. She's... into a lot of things."
"And why exactly do you know about that?"
"Who DOESN'T know? She's the most popular mare in town for a reason!"
"Because of her charming personality?"
"Because she'll buck anything that moves!"

You hear some shuffling.
You wish it wasn't always so dark so you could see.
It's scary when it's dark.
Those are definitely hoofsteps.
...
And whispering!
"They got a live one today. I know they did."
"We didn't see anything."
"Well you weren't looking hard enough!"
As quietly as you can, you scoot Flappy closer to you.
You try your best to hide her, but you can't squeeze too tight or she might wake up.
Why can't the not-friends go away?
What do they want with Flappy? She didn't do anything to them!
They can't even be jealous because Flappy never got a picture book or a balloon or a fluffy!
Maybe they're just jealous because she can fly and they can't.
Okay, she can't fly YET, but she WILL.
And they won't get to do anything except sit in the dark and tell lies about light.
It's not a big cold, but you shiver a lot anyway.

Wait a second...
"So you're saying you think she... wants to get into my pants?"
"You're forgetting the kinky part. She wants to... I dunno, fill your pants with pudding and then slurp it out while bouncing on a trampoline with her hooves tied behind her head and a turnip wedged where the sun don't shine."
You stare blankly.
"You have... quite an imagination, there."
She blushes.
"I was just trying to slap together the weirdest thing I could think of."
"Well it sounds hot."
Hey look, her wings are doing that thing.
"Yeah, well trust me whatever she wants to do is a hundred times freakier."
You put on a stupid smile.
"Sounds even hotter."
She sighs.
"Listen, just be careful okay? Pinkie's cool. She's a great friend, and she's a lot of fun to hang out with. Just promise me you'll hang out WITH her and not IN her, okay?"
You give her a salute.
"Aye, captain."
She gives you a playful shove.
"I mean it. We have a saying here. Don't stick it in crazy."
"Relax. I won't. Besides, she's not my type. I'd much rather have any of the rest of you swizzle my dizzle. 'Cept maybe Rarity. Fuck that bitch, she nothin' but a gold digger."
She's blushing again.
You give her a light poke.
"I said, 'cept dat bitch, amirite?"
She bumps her hoof to your fist.
"Yeah."

It's been a long time since the Maker came back.
There haven't been any new friends or anything for lots of little colds.
Patchy says there'll be a big cold soon.
Flappy can make little words now, but she still can't really fly.
You teach her about all kinds of things, and it makes her happy.
You like it when she's happy. It makes you warm even when you're not cold.
The not-friends haven't come back since that night.
None of the friends know where they went.
The world is big, and parts of it are scary and dangerous, so the friends don't go looking.
The friends like to stay near where the Maker comes.
They say it gets the most light.
You wish they would stop lying.
Squishy told Flappy about the light, but she didn't believe him.
She agrees with you.
She says it's always dark and scary.
But it's okay, because it's hard to be scared when you're together.

Welp, Dash was right.
For a couple of months now, Pinkie's been trying all sorts of ridiculous nonsense to get with you.
You're not sure what the cause is. You're pretty sure she was normal-
Well, as normal as Pinkie can be, anyway.
You're pretty sure she was normal until the rocket-jousting, but ever since that day she has been more stuck to your grill than the permanent foul substance stuck to the grill at Mcdonalds.
You hate to admit it, but a couple of times she's hit a few of the right buttons.
You roll the dice and try enough fetishes, sooner or later you'll hit the jackpot.
God, you swear you had a great dick joke for this. The boner-jackpot or something, but not that.
Regardless, she's starting to get your dick's attention.
But A) she's a pony and B) you said you wouldn't. So no, bad boner.
Go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200.
Is a boner wearing a top hat and a monocle funny? You're suddenly picturing the Monopoly guy, but in the form of a dick.
You decide the monocle is stupid and the top hat is slightly funny. You discard the joke.
There's a knock at your door.
Well now who could that be at this hour? Y'know, besides Pinkie, who it obviously is.
You open the door to find... a blue pony? Blue isn't pink!

Patchy says he's worried.
The Maker has never stayed gone for so long and he wonders if maybe we made her mad.
One of the not-friends came to us and said he wanted to be a friend.
He said the not-friends were doing really scary things, and he didn't want to be with them anymore.
Most of the friends didn't believe him, and they hit him with rocks.
He lost a lot of his warm. It came out in the slick on the floor and the friends got even more mad at him.
Warm is supposed to be used to get through the cold, and he was wasting it.
Plus the none of the friends like the slick. It smells like the pointy rocks.
He cried until they stopped.
It was the little cold, and they wanted to cuddle together so they stopped hitting him.
Squishy felt sorry for him and decided to sleep next to him.
You remember when nobody wanted to be with Squishy. It was so sad.
You still don't trust him, but you decide to go with Squishy.
"What's your name?"
"S-s-snappy..."
You and Squishy curl up with Snappy.
Flappy joins the rest of you.

Well this is certainly a new one.
At your door is Pinkie Pie, head to hoof in blue paint.
It looks like she tried to dye her hair rainbow and straighten it out, but it didn't work very well.
She has cardboard wings taped to her back.
"Hey bro. 'Sup? Booze o' clock?"
"Pinkie, what the hell?"
She frowns and pulls off the wings.
"Aww, what gave me away?"
You say nothing and maintain a stern 'son I am disappoint' face.
"Was it the smell of the paint? It's edible so I could get rid of it easier, and if you smell real close it's kinda like blueberries."
She licks her hoof and grins.
She turns and thrusts her flank toward you.
"Want a lick?"
"No, Pinkie. I don't."
She puts her ass back behind her and sits on it, crossing her forehooves.
"Man, what do I gotta do? I've tried all my standards and it is just impossible to get through to you!"
"...Why'd you dress up like Dash?"
"Really? I guess I had you pegged all wrong. This is gonna be harder than I thought."

The big cold is happening.
It was hard, but you and Squishy convinced the friends to let Snappy stay.
Snappy is nice. He's helping Flappy learn to fly.
You would do it if you could, but it's too dark.
Instead you hug her and offer words of encouragement.
A little before the big cold, you found a fluffy and you gave it to her.
She was so happy.
It's okay that you can't help her fly.
The Maker still hasn't come back.
Lots of friends think something bad happened to her.
Like maybe she touched a pointy rock and lost all her warm.
She has to have slick and warm, just like the rest of you, right?
Everything that's alive has the slick and the warm.
There's no point in thinking about it.
You snuggle up next to Flappy and Patchy and Squishy and Snappy and enjoy sharing the warm.
You're glad Snappy didn't lose all of his when the friends threw the rocks at him.

It's an especially cold winter.
You're REALLY greatful for all the nice clothes and blankets Rarity's made for you.
Maybe she's not such a bitch afterall.
Really, all the ponies have their charms.
There's a knock at your door.
You peek out the window and see Pinkie shivering in the cold.
You open the door.
"What are you doing out there?"
Her teeth are chattering.
"Oh Anon... it's... it's so cold... could you p-p-p-please hold me until I warm up?"
"Pinkie, I have a fireplace RIGHT THERE."
She immediately stops shivering and groans loudly.
"You know what? I give up. I've been so busy chasing you that I haven't gotten any in forever. I'm too horny for this nonsense."
She turns and leaves.
You shut the door.
Man, ponies are WEIRD.

Screaming.
Everything is screaming and it's so hot and it smells.
It smells like the slick and it also smells like something new.
How is it hot when now is the big cold?
You start trying to run away from the hot.
You don't know where you're going. All you know is that this hot is even worse than the big cold and you need to get away.
"Blinky, this way!"
It sounds like Patchy.
You follow the sound of his voice and you run as fast as you can.
You run until it stops being hot.
"What happened?"
Patchy is crying.
"Snappy wasn't a friend! He made a weird light with his horn and then Squishy started screaming and then more not-friends came and... everything was horrible!"
"You're lying! Snappy WAS a friend!"
"No! He made the weird light and lots of friends are dead! I think Squishy is dead, too!"
"That can't be true! There's no such thing as light!"
"Blinky listen-"
There's a horrible wailing sound.
You recognize it.
Flappy is crying.

It was nice for everything to go back to normal.
Pinkie apparently went and found a nice stallion to do... whatever with.
She went back to treating you normally, and you were glad.
Especially because you think she really WAS starting to get through to you.
But you're no furry, and you're not gonna go putting your dick in a horse.
These ponies are great, and you love your life here in Equestria.
You're just gonna hang with these wonderful pony friends of yours.
Especially your best bro Dash. She's just... the greatest, y'know?
Just the other day she came to you with a fantastic new idea.
It'd take a while to explain.
Just try to imagine a cross between golf and a destruction derby, but with lots more exploding.
The two of you went to invite Pinkie, but she was just leaving.
She said she had a delivery to make.

There are more friends than not-friends.
Once all of the friends who weren't hot got together, they went back and threw rocks at the not-friends until they left or died.
You hate the not-friends.
You hate Snappy.
Squishy was nice to Snappy, and he killed him.
...
Flappy didn't make it either.
She never got to really fly.
A lot of little colds after the big cold when the hot happened, the Maker started coming back.
She brought lots and lots of picture books and balloons and fluffies and even new things.
The friends haven't decided what to call the new things yet.
One day she came bringing another friend.
You decided to go this time.
It was loud until it got quiet.
She said "Goodbye Dizzy."
The new friend landed right in your hooves.
It was dark, but you caught it anyway. It must have been your lucky day.
You felt it.
It was a him.
He giggled and gurgled at you.
You felt a horn on his head.
The new friend had a horn.
He wasn't a friend at all. You hate horns.
You snapped Dizzy's neck.
He was delicious.

I feel dirty now

That mailmare with the weird eyes is flying off.
She just handed Dash a letter.
"So, what'd you break and how much do you owe?"
She's scanning the page and doesn't respond immediately.
"Dash?"
Her eyes widen and she smiles.
"Awesome."
"What's awesome?"
"Gilda's coming to visit!"
"...Who's Gilda?"
"She used to be my best friend, but a while back she came here and... well she didn't really get along with the rest of my friends. But she's sorry or whatever and she's gonna come give Ponyville another try!"
She's pretty excited. This Gilda chick must be pretty badass.
Oh man, can it be? Are you finally gonna get another bro?
Twilight's too busy studying, Rarity's too whiny, Pinkie's too much for you to handle, Applejack...
You shudder at the memories.
You still have rope burns.
What were you thinking? Right. And Fluttershy is... well, she's Fluttershy.
Basically for as long as you've been here (how long HAS it been now?) you've only had one real friend.
Lucky break you got the most AWESOME brotacular bro in the history of forever.
But hey, if Dash say's Gilda's cool she's gotta be worth a try.
You look forward to meeting her.

Tonight's the night.
You've got a half-dozen movies.
You've got enough booze for an army.
There's a knock at the door, and there's only one pony it could be.
Let's fucking do this.
You throw open the door and immediately are pinned to the floor.
Oh man, you're in deep shit. Whatever's got you it's big and heavy and FAST and you are so fucking fucked...
"Lay off him, G!"
Huh?
"I just wanted to see if he could fight, is all."
"He's a lot tougher than he looks."
"Yeah? I'll be the judge of that."
This 'G' gets off of you.
She's... an eagle? No, a lion. No... what?
"Anon, this is Gilda. Gilda, Anon."
She holds out a... claw? Talon? Hand?
You grab it pull yourself to your feet.
"Keep your guard up. I don't believe any fuzzy squishy wimps can handle themselves until they prove it. And I give 'em plenty of chances to do it."
"Yeah, yeah, G. Later. Now? Now is movies."
"And booze?"
You smile and nod.
"And booze."
She smiles back.

The three of you are pretty far gone by now.
Gilda's cool.
You rub a bruise on your arm.
She's rough, but she's cool. A full-contact bro.
Dash gets up to go to the bathroom.
"Hey Anon, think fast!"
Gilda chucks an empty bottle at you.
Surprising even yourself, you fucking punch it out of the air.
It shatters against your fist and for a little bit, you're so goddamn badass.
All standing triumphantly, fist outstretched, twinkling shards of your opponent drifitng down around you.
And then your hand gets pissed off.
"Fffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck that hurt."
You clutch your hand and hunch down into the classic 'pain curl'.
Also? Thousands of tiny glass shards all over your floor now.
Those are gonna be a bitch to clean up.
You feel a claw on your shoulder.
"Okay. So maybe you don't totally suck."
She smiles at you.
You smile back for a second before returning to cradling your poor widdle hand like the big baby you are.
She chuckles and goes to grab another drink.

Over the next few days, Gilda turns out to be pretty hardcore about a lot of things.
She outdrinks Dash.
You've got a buttload of new minor injuries, but you think you're getting pretty good at noticing when she's coming.
She's made it a bit of a game to ambush you when you least expect it, but she's given you massive props for holding her off as well as you have.
Something's a little off though. Hard to place exactly what.
By adding another bro, events should be more awesome, but somehow... you don't know, it's like something else is missing that used to be there.
Whatever, you're still adjusting to having more than one friend.
God that makes you sound pathetic.
This weekend, the three of you are going to go off into the woods.
Gilda insists that you and Dash are getting soft and need this.
The woods will fuck you up good and proper and teach you not to take shit.
You somewhat hesitantly agreed, figuring nothing too bad could happen with Dash and Gilda there to bail you out.
Dash is pretty much the fastest thing ever, and you're pretty sure Gilda could destroy whatever she wanted. You're almost positive she's been going easy on you.
So what if the woods have fifty foot tall bears made of cosmic glowy bullshit?
Gilda don't give a fuck. Gilda will END that bear.
Pfft, dragons? Bitch please. Dash bucked a dragon twenty times her size right in its stupid face.
Yeah, you'll be fine with those two.
You are a little sad that YOU'RE the fragile little bitch of the group though. Sucks having the two ladies be the men.
You're packing up a bunch of shit to take with you when you think you hear movement.
You stop and tense up.
Yeah, there's definitely someone behind you.

Just wait for it...
Come on...
NOW
You duck and something goes sailing over your head, crashing into the wall.
"Come on, G, step up yo-"
Huh, wasn't her. What's Dash doing trying to tackle your shit?
You help her up and she shakes it off.
"What's up?"
"Y'know... stuff."
"You joining in on the quest to slap my shit? 'Cuz I gotta warn you, I'm getting real good at holding the line."
"Heh, yeah I can tell."
"I gotta be. Gilda's a goddamn freight train carrying twenty tons of pain."
"What, you saying I'm not?"
She's in a stance, head low, wings high.
...?
"I can be just as aggressive as she can!"
"Whoah, calm yo' tits. Look, nobody needs to annihilate anybody right now. Besides, you're the undisputed champ of like forty things. So what if she can out-punch you and out-drink you?"
That... was the wrong thing to say. She looks pissed.
"She's NOT better than me!"
"What the hell is rustling your jimmies so much? I didn't say she was. Jeegus, calm the fuck down, bro."
She exhales slowly.
"Sorry. I just... nevermind. Forget I was even here."
"Alright, whatever."
She's calm again.
"See you in the woods?"
You take a quick look back to see you're pretty much done packing. You just need the booze.
"Yeah."
"Cool. Later!"
She flies off.

You're still riding high on the adrenaline.
You just kicked a manticore in the chest.
You were pretty close to pissing yourself when it got right back up and roared at you, but Gilda divebombed the fuck out of him before he got to charge.
The woods are hardcore.
Nothing else bothers you guys while you sit around the fire.
You roast some shit, and get a pleasant surprise.
Gilda eats MEAT. SWEET, DELICIOUS MEAT.
You don't have a clue what KIND of meat this is, but fuck if you care.
It's MEAT and Dash doesn't want any so that's more for you!
10 points for Gryffindor.
After the food, the three of you lounge around and just chat.
Gilda tells you a bunch of embarrassing shit Dash did years and years ago, and she tries to hide her face.
Dash counters by bringing up all Gilda's stupidest mistakes.
You're really glad neither of them know YOUR retarded past.
Eventually you pass out.
And then you wake up.
There's something heavy on top of you.
Aw fuck, it's a bear or something you just know it.
You're going to scream like a little girl because when it's already within mauling distance you panic.
Then Gilda will fuck its shit and laugh at you for being such a pussy.
Dash will stay quiet over there.
You figured that part out. The missing thing. After the first night, Dash has been a lot quieter.
Except for the time she tried to tackle you.
You want her to go back to normal, because you're pretty sure you + your bro Dash + badass Gilda would equal some damn good times, but you don't really know what's wrong or how to approach her about it.
Right, so you're probably about to get a face full of pointy hurting.
You keep your eyes squeezed shut and brace for impact.
Whatever it is, it's breathing on your face now.

You cautiously peel one eye open to see... Gilda?
"Wha-"
She puts a claw up to your lips.
"Keep it down. Don't wanna wake Dash."
You lower your voice to a whisper, matching hers.
"What's going on?"
She's giving you a weird look.
"I like you man. You've got potential. That manticore was ready to remove your face, and you held your ground. That took balls."
"Thanks, I guess? I've got nothin' on you guys, though."
"Yeah, I know. You're still way too soft, but we can fix that."
She's got a creepy grin going on now.
What the fuck is-
"Let's see if we can't get you hard."
WHY IS THERE A RUBBING SENSATION IN YOUR BATHING SUIT AREA?
You need an adult. This is... you can't... what the FUCK, man?
She starts fumbling with your pants.
"What even is the point in these stupid clothes? Gah..."
"Gilda what are you-"
"What does it LOOK like I'm doing, Anon? Making tea? I'm gonna fuck your brains out."
Most of your brain has shut down now. It's all useless.
You could evaluate the situation, but no matter what you come up with the end result is the same.
Gilda wants your dick, and Gilda is GOING TO GET IT.
Holy shit is this... are you seriously about to get raped?

You're exhausted, but you can't fall back asleep.
Did that really just happen?
When she was done with you, she just climbed off and expressed her disappointment.
Said you were still too soft.
Said she needed to fuck your shit up more.
How does this even work now... do you... do you go report her to the police?
You're sure she's been holding back. She could put you in the ground in ten seconds flat.
This is all wrong. This is backwards. This isn't how it's supposed to be.
At random intervals, she'll swoop down and beat the shit out of you.
Whenever it tickles her fancy, she'll force you to... tickle her fancy.
You're... you're afraid of her. If you told anyone, you're terrified of what she'd do to you.
You saw what she did to the manticore. You don't want to be on the other end of that.
Even though you're exhausted and there's a roaring fire, you shiver and can't sleep.

Dash is up before Gilda. She sees your eyes are open and trots over to you.
"Morning Anon! Sleep alri...
She's close enough now that she can see it on your face.
You definitely did NOT sleep alright.
"I thought you said you used to go camping all the time? What's the matter, is Gilda right? Are you goin' soft on me?"
She makes playful boxing motions, lightly jabbing at you.
You swat one of her hooves away.
She stops and looks at you, concern in her eyes.
"You okay?"
"... Yeah. I'll be fine. I just... I dunno what happened last night."
"Well, you drank a lot, and then you wrecked a manticore."
"No, GILDA wrecked a manticore."
"Aw come on, you weakened it for her."
You chuckle a little.
You're glad Dash is your bro.
She's cool.
You have second thoughts about Gilda's coolness.
Speak of the devil, she stretches and yawns before shuffling over to you two.
"What's going on over here?"
"Nothing."
"Cool, cool. How'd you sleep last night, Dash?"
She looks over at you and winks.
"Pretty good. Apparently Anon sucks at camping. I mean, just look at 'im!"
She chuckles.
"I guess we gotta do this more often. Get him better at it. My 'don't be a pussy' training seems to be working for him."

And so it goes, just as you feared.
By day, you're ever vigilant for sudden pain bombs from above.
Or behind.
Or really anywhere. She may not be as fast as Dash, but she's still a shit-ton faster than you.
By night, you watch increasingly shitty movies and drink until you forget.
On weekends you go camping.
Except apparently you live in a world where camping means fighting wild mythical beasts and getting raped an even wilder one.
On more than one occasion, you've almost told Dash, but you're still pants-shittingly terrified of what Gilda would do to you.
A few times, it looked like Dash had something important to say. She'd get all serious and shit, but she always backs down.
Gilda's getting even fiestier.
Sometimes, during a movie, if the room is dark enough or Dash is absorbed enough, she'll reach over and play with you a little.
Whether because of interruptions or Dash looking back or just her being sadistic, you don't know, but she always stops before you blow your load.
The only release she lets you have is inside her when you're camping.
It's camping day today. You're slowly plodding back and forth across your house, dropping items one at a time into your bag.
You hate camping day.
You're starting to hate movie nights as well.
You pack extra booze.

You think the creatures of the woods have learned to just not fuck around on camping day.
It's been a pretty quiet couple of weeks.
The problem is that if there's nothing ELSE to fight, Gilda resorts to attacking YOU.
The one and only saving grace of all this is meat.
You tell yourself it's not all bad. You get an amazing meal.
But you're not very convincing. You were doing fine without meat before Gilda showed up.
Gilda steps off of you once she draws blood.
She's panting a little bit. You're definitely getting better at this.
Dash turns in early. She's been doing that a lot lately.
After waiting a few minutes to make sure Dash is out, Gilda sashays up to you.
She points at your pants. That's all she has to do anymore. You're better at getting them off, so she has you do it.
You don't just lie there anymore like you did the first night. She doesn't like it if you don't participate.
You go to work, and you hate your life.
You're standing behind her. She's fond of this.
Soon, she's panting hard.
Apparently your various training exercises are working out just the way she planned.
She motions for you to slow down and starts whispering frantically.
"S-stop... I'm... I'm gonna..."
Her whole body tenses up and she makes a loud squawking sound before falling over forward.
Dash snaps upright.
"Whuwhozere? I can take... ya..."
Her eyes grow huge as she sees you standing naked, erection pointing toward a slumped Gilda.

Before you can say a word, Dash is gone. Took off like a bolt of lightning.
Gilda, still panting, sits back up.
"Wow... that's... okay, not important now. Go... go tell her this was all your idea or whatever."
She steps over to a soft, dry patch of grass and lays down.
"I'm just gonna rest my eyes for a minute.
She yawns.
"I new we could make a real man outta you."
She closes her eyes.
You quickly grab your clothes and make a mad dash for Dash's place.
Fuck this. Dash has seen it now. You can tell her the truth, and then Gilda can piss off and go to jail or the moon or whatever place ponies send rapists.
It doesn't take you long to get there. You're in pretty good shape these days.
"DASH!"
No response.
"DASH, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU!"
"IT'S ABOUT GILDA!"
She sticks her head over the edge of the cloud.
She doesn't look happy.
"Yeah, ya think? I figured that part out!"
"It's not like that!"
"Then what IS it like Anon? Because it looks to me like-"
"I know what it looks like. I just... it was all her!"
"I figured!"
Something wet lands on your face.
"I could see it that first night. She had her eye on you the whole time. I'm not stupid, Anon."
"Exactly! SHE came to ME! I never-"
"Yeah, she came to you and she started getting rough with you and you liked it!"
"No I-"
"And then... then I tackled you, and you-"
Is she crying?
"Dash, LISTEN to me! She... I didn't... I never wanted this!"
"Yeah? Well you coulda fooled me!"
JUST FUCKING SAY IT GODDAMN

You sigh and a thin whisper floats out of your lips.
"She raped me."
She doesn't hear you.
"And how much of a jerk do you have to be to do it right in front of me like that?"
"She raped me."
She's ranting loudly and barely paying attention to you.
"GILDA RAPED ME, OKAY?"
Her face fills with shock and she goes silent.
You close your eyes and hang your head.
"The first night we went camping. I woke up in the middle of the night, and I felt something breathing on me..."
Something impacts your cheek, hard, and you go spinning to the ground.
"Why didn't you SAY ANYTHING?!"
"Because I'm afraid of her, okay? She's huge and vicious and way stronger and faster than me!"
"And? You don't just let a bully have their way! If you can't stand up on your own, you go get help!"
"I didn't... I just..."
She pulls you into a hug.
"Anon, I'm your friend, okay? I don't want to see anything bad happen to you. Go back home and lock your door. I'm gonna go rearrange Gilda's face."
You nod silently and turn to leave. You only get a few steps.
"Anon?"
You look back.
"Get some sleep."
You smile.

Dash came back to town with some minor injuries a day later.
Gilda's been hauled off to... wherever they send rapists in Equestria. Or maybe just assaultists (is that even a word?) you're not sure what Dash told them.
You spend the rest of the week alone, telling Dash you'd rather not do anything.
She says she understands and leaves.
That weekend, camping day rolls around.
There's a knock at your door.
It's Dash.
"Oh, hey. Listen... I really don't think-"
She holds up a hoof and reaches into a saddlebag.
She hands you a small package.
"What's this?"
"Just take it, would ya?"
You grab it and head inside to set it down on the table.
Rather than following you in, Dash turns and starts to walk away.
You don't say anything.
You open the package.
It's meat. You're not sure what kind.
You smile and grab a bottle of beer.
You walk back and open the front door.
"Hey Dash!"
You can see her turn around.
You hold up the bottle.
"Don't you wanna watch some movies?"
She walks to your door and follows you inside.
You both smile.

This one suuuuucks (but there are a handful of pretty funny lines I guess)

Because you're a complete dumbass, you've agreed to be a part of some crazy experiment Twilight is running.
It involves some crazy machine with two chairs that are both covered in leather straps and very, VERY high voltage electrical currents.
Dash and Pinkie brought popcorn to watch.
Applejack is the other unfortunate soul in the experiment.
Twilight finishes strapping her into her chair and turns to you.

"Ready, Anon?"

"As ready as I'm going to be. Let's get your kinky electric chair bondage machine all tested and then never talk about it again."

Twilight blushes a little at the insinuation that her experiment has impure intentions, but doesn't say anything. She straps you in and trots over to a comically oversized switch on the wall.

"Ya sure there ain't any way to tell us what it does without 'compromising the data' or whatnot?"

"Sorry, Applejack, but this is the way it has to be. I guess I could try to go over a list of things it DOESN'T do if you'd like..."

Pinkie bolts over to the switch. "Less talking, more science!" She slams it down and the machine starts making a faint buzzing sound.

"Okay, quiet down girls."

A hush falls over the room. The buzz gets just a little louder. There's a very light tingling, ALMOST painful sensation at the base of your neck and you start to smell apples.
There's a spark and some crackling noises. The hum stops.

Twilight looks concerned. "That's not supposed to happen... Anon, Applejack, can either of you hear anything unusual?"

You both shake your heads.

"Huh... well, that was anticlimactic. I'll need some time to figure out what went wrong. Could I get both of you back here in a few days?"

"Sure thing, Twi'."

You try to stand up before remembering you're strapped down. "Yeah, I guess. Can somep0ny untie me?"

Dash hovers over to bail you out. "Man that smell drives me crazy."

"Say again, Dash?"

"Huh? I didn't say anything..."

"Really?" You bat your ear and shake your head. "Whatever. Thanks, Dash. We still on for Mexican Masked Wrestling tomorrow?"

She smiles and nods. "I just hope I can control myself."

You were staring right at her. Her lips didn't move when you heard that. You blink awkwardly, shake your head a few times, and decide to blame it on the machine. That much electricity in your head was probably bad.
You head home for the night and have an uneventful evening of boring nothing.
You go to bed and have a pleasant, if unusual, dream: you and Applejack are both fifty feet tall and seem to be fighting in the streets of a crowded city.
You jolt awake right as dream-Applejack gets a good kick in on your jaw.
You rub your jaw thoughtfully before springing out of bed and opening up your closet.
Tossing the sweaty mask and spandex into your gym bag, you head out the door and stop by Sugarcube corner to get some sweet stuff for breakfast.
You stroll up to the counter and Pinkie blurs into place to greet you.

"Hiya, Anon! What can I getcha?" "I hope he says fudge because I've got a really good joke I've been waiting all morning to use..."

"...Cookies?"

"Aww, drat. Maybe next time. Or maybe I can just feed Gummy all of that funny tasting chemical that I found and he'll grow whips for teeth and I can rule with an iron hoof - FORCING everyp0ny to order whatever I want them to so I can make my jokes whenever I please."

"You okay, Pinkie?"

"Of course! Why wouldn't I be? I was just kinda hoping you would've ordered something else, but really if orders aren't what the orderee really wants what's the point? One silly little joke doesn't make up for an unsatisfied tummy. Maybe TWO jokes would, but I don't even know how you can make two jokes about the same thing. Beating a dead horse is unethical!" "Come on, pleeeease... he should get that one. Nop0ny here gets half the jokes I make, but he should be falling over laughing at all this comedy gold I be dropping!"

"... heh. Dead horse jokes are a little morbid around here, aren't they?"

"Oh good. I was starting to worry that he'd never get ANY of these. What good are jokes that don't get laughed at? I mean I guess the audience will get them, but still..."

Yup. You were paying attention that time. Her mouth DEFINITELY wasn't moving. Something weird is going on here.
You quickly grab your treats and GTFO. It's still early, so on a hunch that is in no way the tool of a lazy writer, you head over to Twilight's to ask about the machine. You eat on the way.

Spike opens the door. "'Sup, Anon?"

You give him a little tiny fistbump. "Not much. Twilight here?"

"Yeah. Come on in."

You head inside just as Twilight is coming up the stairs from the basement.

"Oh, Anon! I thought I said I'd need you and Applejack here in a FEW days, not ONE."

You take a few steps toward her and stop in your tracks when you hear her voice.

"...but still I suppose TWO could be a few, certainly THREE, but definitely not ONE. One is SINGULAR, and FEW is PLURAL. Still, language evolves all the time and it's rare for a pony to use exactly the number they mean since everything is approximated rather than measured. A few plus or minus one or two could certainly be ONE..."

You take a step backward and her voice fades away.

"Anon?"

"Huh? Oh, uh, I was just wondering if... there might be any side effects from the machine?"

"There shouldn't be. It shut down before it finished, and you said you didn't hear anything." She starts walking across the room, and her voice comes back even though her mouth isn't moving. "He might just be a little out of it from the zapping. The machine only has any effects when it's on. Or maybe it has no effects at all, ever, because it's never been tested and transferring data from one mind to another is a very new field."

You blink. Transferring data? You wonder if-
SMASH
You wonder if you were just hit by a bus.

"Come on, Anon, we gotta go!"

"Dash? It's still early, there's plenty of time."

"Yeah, plenty of time for Twilight to steal you away from me. I know how she likes to 'experiment' and I'm not gonna let that happen!"

You try your hardest to keep up a good pokerface while you stand up and grab your gym bag. What would be the most normal thing to say right about now?
"So, we gonna win today?"

"Oh yeah. Nothin' but chumps today. It's in the bag." "Speaking of in the bag, oh SWEET CELESTIA that smell... does he ever wash that thing? It's a really, REALLY good thing Anon has such a thick skull and doesn't notice anything, ever. Today's gonna be a loooong day and I'm going to need a hell of a shower after this. Why is Anon just staring at me like that? Is there something on my face?" She blinks. "Anon?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah. Let's... let's um, go. To the thing."

Today is indeed going to be a looooong day.

You won, but barely. Every time you were tagged in you did HORRIBLY. It's very distracting hearing the thoughts of others! But Dash carried the two of you to victory. And herself to new levels of creepy.
The entire way there she was spinning in circles about your smell.
How she wishes there could be a stallion who smelled like you.
How sometimes she almost doesn't even care and briefly considers rutting you in the street.
How you really, really want to stop hearing her thoughts now.
You took full advantage of the on-site shower to get as scentless as possible before heading back, but it didn't change a thing because she could still smell your spandex.

That night, you used all the bleach you had doing laundry.
Over and over and over.
Your outfit and mask practically disintigrated.

The next day, you head to Rarity to get some new stuff. Your getup WAS pretty old and beat up, and now the smell will be gone. You'll just have to be really careful about washing it after every use.
You step into the Carousel Boutique and Rarity greets you in her typical sing-song manner.

"Anonymous, how are you?" "Other than ugly as sin?"

You wince slightly. You knew Rarity could be a bit of a bitch, but you weren't expecting that.
"Could I get a new Mexican Masked Wrestling outfit? My old one kinda... stopped being."

She stares quizically for a second. "Good riddance. That ratty old thing needed to be put down ages ago." "Certainly! Did you have any particular designs in mind?"

"Go ahead. Surprise me."

She squeals and you hear a weird sort of echo. Is she... is she THINKING the squealing noise, too? Why would she DO that?
You thank her and leave before your ears start bleeding. Giving her free reign to design a costume that's supposed to be somewhat flamboyant was probably a bad idea, but you have more important things to deal with. Like getting Twilight to fix you.

As you're heading out the door, you bump into Fluttershy.

"Oh goodness, I'm sorry, Anon. I didn't see you there." "And I wish I never would again. Your very existence disgusts me, you filthy pile of shit."

"...It's... um... it's fine."

"That's good." "I just wish the apocalypse would hurry up and end all these horrible creatures. Ponies are ruining Equestria for their own selfish needs and innocent animals are suffering for no good reason! If only there were some way to poison everyp0ny without hurting any other lives... maybe I can trick Twilight into researching species-specific poisons. Oh the delicious irony if I could only kill her with something she invented!"

It takes all your willpower to say nothing and keep your jaw off the floor. Dash is some kind of sex offendor, Rarity is (sortof) secretly a bitch, and Fluttershy is a psychopath. Good to know, you suppose, but you're pretty goddamn sure you were happier before.

At least Twilight seemed normal enough. Pinkie was... Pinkie. There may or may not have been unspeakable horrors in her stream of thoughts, but it went a bit too fast for you to be sure. At any rate, she didn't seem to think any differently than she speaks. You briefly wonder what Applejack's thoughts are like.
You then declare that you would really, really rather not know.
...and promptly bump into her in the middle of town.

You stare at her for a minute.
She stares at you. She's got bags under her eyes.

"Heh... hey, Anon. How are ya?"

"Oh, you know... good."

There's a silence.

"You ain't thinking about anything right now, are ya?"

She was in the machine, too! You can't seem to hear her thoughts... it sounds like she can't hear yours either.

"Hey, uh, weird question. For the last few days, have you been... hearing things?"

She sighs long and hard. "Wheh, okay. Wow. It is SO GOOD to know I'm not insane. Twilight's crazy machine got to you, too?"

"Yeah. I don't... I don't think I like it very much."

"Me neither. I can't sleep a wink what with Big Mac-" She shudders. "Well, with what Big Mac is thinking about."

"So... you can't read me? I can't read you."

"Yeah, I only seem to be able to read ponies. Can't get a lick out of any of the other critters on the farm or non-pony folks in town."

You think back to Spike. "Sounds about right, but then why can't I hear you?"

"I don't rightly know. I was really hopin' Twilight would have some answers for us once she fixed her dang machine."

"Well, I haven't seen her yet today. Maybe she's ready?"

"I sure hope so."

The two of you make a break for the library and find Twilight unconscious in the basement.
You gently shake her awake.

"Twilight? You okay?"

"Huh? Oh, my head..."

"Twilight, we'd really appreciate it if'n y'all could hurry up and fix up your machine."

She rubs a hoof against her head. "Okay, that was the dream, and then I woke up and tightened those bolts, and then I went to bed... yeah, okay." "I think it's good to go."

You and Applejack nod and hop in. Neither of you bothers attaching the straps. Twilight wobbles over to the switch and flips it.
The machine hums to life and the buzz starts again.
You and Applejack both start to hear a high pitched whining sound, and then you black out.

When you open your eyes, everything feels weird.

"I wonder why they wanted to try the machine so bad. The readings are all good. Looks like it worked."

You try to stand up and promptly fall over. Something is wrong. Very, very wrong.

"Uh, hey Anon? You feel funny?"

"Yeah. But Twilight said..."

"No she didn't. She said it LOOKS like it worked."

"Huh? I didn't say anything, but I'm certain the experiment is a success. It may take some adjusting, and of course I'll change you back as soon as you're ready, but you two have now swapped bodies!"

"Swapped...? No. Nonono. Change us back. Now! NOW!"

"RIGHT now? I can't. The machine needs to recharge, but it should only take a few hours."

There's a loud crash upstairs, followed by some hoofsteps rapidly approaching the stairs.

"ANON! EXHIBITION MATCH! TWENTY MINUTES! EQUESTRIAN GRAND CHAMPIONS RIGHT HERE!" "Come on Dash, you can do this... you know how bad both of you want that title, just control yourself. Smell-coast is clear for now... just be calm. You can finish masturbating as soon as you get home and you can punch Derpy right in the eye for delivering the mail at the worst possible time AND the last possible twenty minutes tomorrow..."

Applejack looks alarmed. "She been... like... I ain't seen her in days, so I don't know..."

"Yeah. I know, and we can talk about it later, but she's serious. About the first thing, I mean. Really, if you don't get going RIGHT now."

"What the hay is AJ talking about?"

You... err, Applejack, stands up and leaps toward the stairs. You're really glad she's going to take this seriously. You'd be PISSED if you missed a shot at the title just because of some body swapping nonsense. well, you're pissed anyway that you won't be there in person, but as long as you have the title all is forgiven. She WILL win, right? She's got to be at least as good a fighter as you are...

"So... Twilight, me and Applejack have a problem we were hoping your machine would fix."

"Oh?"

"We can read minds now."

"Come again?"

"You heard me."

"Anonymous, that's preposterous. It doesn't even make any sense. There would have to be some kind of global broadcast of thoughts for you to tune into, and there just isn't." "I'm pretty confident about this one, but just in case, here's a test. Anonymous, are you listening right now? I'm thinking this as hard as I can. Ahem... I desperately want to make sweet, sweet love to Celestia."

"But she's a princess, and you're just a commoner!"

Twilight gasps. "Oh no! I really don't, really! I swear! I was just thinking something absurd that nop0ny would ever possibly guess! Because me and the princess, really! Like if I was thinking the word 'books' that would be easy to guess, but this is-"

"You can stop now."

"But!"

"No, just... Applejack and I would both really, REALLY like for you to make this go away."

"Absolutely! That's a power that doesn't belong in your hands or her hooves! No offense. It doesn't belong in my hooves either!"

"Whatever. I don't care I just want it to stop."

"Yes, right away!"

She starts flipping out all around the room, presumably doing science things. You head home and plop down on your couch.
A few hours later, your front door bursts open loudly and you... er, Applejack, stumbles through.

"There ya are, Anon. I got some bad news and some good news."

You shoot up to her with wide eyes. "The title?!"

She looks away. "We uh... we didn't win. And... you're both banned from the league. Permanent-like."

"WHAT?"

"Ya also owe a seven hundred bit fine, but I figure it ain't fair for you to pay for my actions so I plan on covering that."

"What did you two DO?"

"Well that's the good news! Dash is hot for ya! Like, real REAL hot. As in, if she's thinking about ya it's a miracle she ain't leaving a trail of slime everywhere she goes."

"I got that part, but why are we BANNED?"

"Dashie and I sorta... well we may have had some problems with self control."

"What?"

"Anon, I'm sayin' that we fucked eachother's brains out. In the ring. During the match."

Your floor was getting lonely, and you're happy that it has a new best friend. You thought your jaw was above that though.
GET IT? ABOVE? Pinkie would be proud.

"WHY?!?!?"

"Well shit, Anon, Dash is pretty much the finest mare in Equestria. I'm surprised you didn't stick it in her the second you heard she was interested. I was pretty sure I was straight until I met her, but boy howdy was I wrong!"

"But she's a PONY!"

"What's yer point?"

"I'm not a furry!"

"A what now?"

"I don't fuck other species!"

"Well shit, Anon, why the hay not? I'd say you'd have to straight up be alergic to vaginas if you turned down somep0ny as smokin' as Dash!"

"After we get switched back, you're gonna tell her that YOU'RE the one who wants to be inside her. Not me."

"I don't exactly have the equipment she's lookin' for."

"Don't care. We need to make sure she knows I don't want none of what she's selling."

Suddenly, Pinkie! "That's right!"

You and Applejack both jump back at her sudden appearance.

"Anon can't be with Dashie. That would completely ruin the whole thing. The point is that they're BROS! Plus my shipping chart would need a massive overhaul!" "Please oh please oh please let him get those jokes..."

"What jokes? Are all those ridiculous things you're constantly spouting supposed ta have meanin'?"

"Of course! We all have our roles to fill, and I'm the one who breaks the fourth wall!" "And soon... the FIFTH wall!"

"Wait just one second now Pinkie, what in the hay are you doin' breakin' walls? And what kinda room has FIVE of 'em?"

"Wait, what? I didn't say that part! Unless I breathed in the magic smoke again when I wasn't looking and I can't distinguish between what's inside my head and what's outside it... I HATE it when that happens, because then I keep thinking there's a SIXTH wall even though I know I made it up!" "And that ought to be just enough confusion to stay quiet. Now to chuck more walls at the audience until they're lost, too! DUH there are only three. There probably used to be four, but then I showed up to bust disbelief suspenders and chew bubblegum - and I'm all out of gum! And suspenders are out of style probably! Note to self, ask Rarity if suspenders made of bubblegum have potential."

You and Applejack both blink in silence.

"I'm gonna miss this story, but you two should probably get back to Twilight now. The machine's probably ready to go again."

The two of you blink again - perfectly synchronized - before hauling ass straight for the library.

Twilight's ready for you. The reverse body-swap works like a charm, and you don't hear anything when you stand near Twilight. Her thoughts are hidden from you.

You sigh with relief. "That's... this is good. I need to figure out how to handle the Dash situation now that Applejack has fucked it all up, but this is definitely good."

"Yeah, all quiet fer me."

"Yes, everything should be back to normal for both of you. I figured everything out and fixed it all."

"Cool? You even figured out why I couldn't hear Applejack's thoughts?"

She nods her head. "Yup. It turns out that a pony - or really any creature - who's been through this machine becomes unreadable. I should be now, too, since I had to use it to test it."

"Huh... and why were we able to read minds to begin with?"

"Well, if the machine doesn't finish its sequence for any reason - or if you get out too early - it'll do that."

"That sounds stupid. Like, REALLY stupid. The kind of dumb shit a hack writer would come up with."

"Are you questioning science?"

Applejack's eyes go wide. "Who did you test the machine with?"

"Uh... Pinkie. Why? She and I switched right back. I added SEVERAL banks of backup power so there's no wait."

"And you're a hundred and ten percent certain she can't read minds now? 'Cuz if there was a mind-reading Pinkie Pie who was immune to having her own mind read..."

"Applejack, don't be such a silly pony. That sounds like a bad sequel hook!"

Why am I wasting my time doing these?

Chillaxin' with The Dash at your place.
You've got a really good sports failures video playing - SO MANY TESTICLE INJURIES! - and yet for some reason Dash seems distracted.

"You okay bro?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah. I'm just... I don't know what I'm gonna do tomorrow."

You raise an eyebrow. "What's tomorrow?"

"Seriously? Everyp0ny's been going nuts for a week. Tomorrow is Hearts and Hooves Day."

"Uhhh..."

"Really? Jeez. Hearts and Hooves Day is all about mushy lovey gunk."

Your eyes widen with comprehension and you snap your fingers. "Ooh, like Valentine's Day!"

"Probably?"

"Sounds gay," you spit as deadpan as possible, completely abandoning all pretense of enthusiasm.

Dash looks a little uncomfortable. "So you lacking a hawt date?"

"Situation's... kinda complicated. See there's... I've got a target. PLENTY hot. But, uh... I sorta haven't admitted how I feel yet."

"Ah, gotcha. So you're standing around like a pussy because you're afraid of rejection."

She glares at you. "It's not always that simple, Anon. I have reasons."

"Reasons? Or EXCUSES?"

"Look, it's... the relationship would be weird. Some ponies might say 'unnatural' or something stupid. Whatever, listen, I'm gonna head home. I'm not sure what I'm going to do tomorrow... I dunno, MAYBE I'll meet you in the park at like three? It really depends."

You nod your head. "Whatever, pussy. Yeah. I'm not doing anything. I'll swing by."

"Cool. Later, I guess." She steps out the door and takes to the skies.

Hearts and Hooves Day, eh? God, you've been single for a LONG time now. How many months have you been here? You broke up with your last girlfriend like... four months before you ended up here, and now you've sorta lost track of time.
There's probably no way back, so maybe you ought to consider finding a good place to put your dick around here. I mean, it's not really like you could be judged for being a furry. Not that you were. Or are. But if you WERE, they couldn't judge you for it. Because they're all furries.
Err, wait... no that isn't quite right. It's probably still going to be considered weird.
Damn.
...
What? Lamenting being single forever isn't the same as admitting sexual deviancy!

Whatever. You decide to go to bed early.

Even though you went to bed early, you still sleep way late. You eventually crawl out of bed and realize you have nothing to do today.
So you head to the park. Sure, you don't need to be there for hours, but what the fuck else are you gonna do?
As you come around the last corner to bring the nice little lakeside spot into view, you see Dash lying there. That's odd.

"Didn't you have some shit to figure out today, Dash?"

"Huh? Oh." Dash rubs a hoof on the back of her neck and looks at the ground. "I sorta... uh..."

"Still too much of a pussy to go for it, huh?"

"Anon I-"

"No, it's alright. I get it. I just thought you were more awesome than that."

She stomps a hoof. "Would you LISTEN for a second?"

"Can't hear you over the sound of your failure! Also? Everyone knows that ponies who are into the sick shit you're into don't deserve love."

"I just... I-"

Oh shit... is she crying? Fuck. Playful ribbing, not merciless mocking! Dial that shit down before you hurt somebody!
"...Sorry. You okay?"

"No! I'm not, Anon. I'm really not."

"Hey, listen, let's get out of here, alright? Anywhere in public today, you're just gonna see couples everywhere and I'm pretty sure that can't possibly make anything better. I know a spot in the woods. If you want, we can-"
You feel can practically feel your testicles falling off at how unmanly you're about to be.
"-talk this all out. Figure out your feelings and help you through whatever's wrong."

She looks up at you with a weak smile as she wipes away a few tears. "Okay."

The two of you set off for a woodsy little grove on the edge of town. The further away from town you get, the more uneasy Dash becomes.

"You seem tense."

"Don't... don't worry. We're kinda heading toward the farms... you said there wouldn't be anyp0ny around where we're going, right?"

"Yeah."

"Should uh... should be fine then."

You eventually arrive at your destination. You're maybe five minutes away from Sweet Apple Acres, but you're surrounded on all sides by dense shrubbery and trees and shit. You sit on a log.
"So. You have a problem. What can I do to help?"

"I'm... okay Anon, this is gonna be kindof a weird question, but stay with me here."

"Sure thing."

"How do you tell the difference between friendship and love?"

"That's a hard question to answer. You just sorta... know."

"Yeah, THAT'S helpful."

"Sorry."

"Look, there's... I have all my friends, and I feel pretty much the same way about most of them. But there's one in particular that I feel... different about. And I can't really explain it."

"Whoa, hang on, weren't you saying something about the attraction being 'unnatural' or some bullshit?"

"It... uh... it is. Think about who my friends are."

"Not seeing it."

"You're pretty thick sometimes, Anon."

"Could you gimme a clue?"

She sighs and facehoofs. "Okay. The last time you were in a relationship, what was your partner like?"

"Uh... she was funny, I guess?"

"No, like, not her personality."

"A redhead."

"No! I mean... okay, was she a hermaphrodite dolphin from another planet?"

"OOOH. No. She was a a human female from, er, the same planet."

"Okay. And that's normal, right?"

"Yeah."

"So, normally, what should my partner in a relationship be?"

"A male pony from this planet?"

"Bingo. Now, are any of my friends stallions?"

"No."

"..."

"..."

"You're so STUPID! It's Applejack, okay?"

"Alright, well, Sweet Apple Acres is right over there!"

A few tears leak out of her eyes. "I... I told you last night. Some ponies think it's unnatural."

"Yeah, and they're stupid. Lesbians are AWESOME!"

"Yeah, well a traditional country mare like Applejack doesn't agree."

"Hey, you never know until you try, right?"

She looks like she's barely holding back a goddamn FLOOD of tears.

"Oh... so you already?"

"Yeah."

"And she said no?"

Dash closes her eyes and nods.

You put an arm around her. "I'm sorry."

She doesn't say anything.

"I'm not, like, good at this kinda sappy stuff. But I just want you to know, I've got your back. You need a wingman, I've got your back. You need to vent or rant, I'll be around. You need to drown your sorrows in alcohol, I can help you."
You make ridiculous 'gang signs' with your hands. "You're my dawg, bro."

She chuckles a bit. "Thanks."

"No problem. You uh, you wanna get away from Sweet Apple Acres now? My bad dragging you out here."

She nods.

"Where you wanna go?"

"I don't care. Anywhere but here."

"Well, there are still a billion couples making out in the streets, and you seem to have plenty of sorrow in need of drowning... wanna get hammered and make fun of Applejack for being a very silly pony? I know a song you might like..."

Alcohol makes the hours melt away. It got real late when you weren't looking, but you can't complain too much. You and Dash have been having a wonderful time, and she seems to have cheered up a lot.
You take some of the credit for that.
Your jokes about Applejack involving actual apples in the bedroom got quite a few laughs out of Dash.
See, mom? I told you drinking made everything better! You were just doing it wrong!

Dash nudges you. "Hey Anon?"

"'Sup?"

"I uh... I've had a lot. A LOT."

"I know. I was there."

The two of you share a goofy grin.

"Yeah, so, um... not sure I should try to fly anywhere like this."

"Say no more. It's pretty standard procedure. Part of the code. If you invite bros over for drinks, be prepared to allow them to sleep on whatever surfaces you have available. It just so happens I've got a pretty bitchin' couch that isn't in use when I'm asleep."

She wobbles toward you and wraps a wing around you in a weird hug-like way. "Thanks. For tonight. You're... you don't get enough credit around here for the cool stuff you do."

"Yeah, well doing cool things for the credit isn't actually cool. I try to do what's right because it's right, not because I want a cookie."

She smiles warmly and pulls her wing off of you. "I'm gonna go commit a warcrime in your bathroom now. I think the cheese on those nachos was bad."

"Thank you so much for sharing that delightful tidbit."

She's got a huge, shit-eating grin. "Hey, it's part of the code, right? Can't desecrate the air supply without a warning or an apology?"

"Right. I think I'm gonna go pass out. Mi casa es su casa, or however the saying goes. In the morning, we'll go get something from Pinkie and then... I dunno... basketball or something."

"Sounds good."

That night, you dream about Applejack and Rainbow Dash having sicknasty lesbian horse sex.
You find it frighteningly arousing.
The pure, unfiltered hatred that mentally deficient creatures call 'sunlight' storms through your eyelids and starts cooking your brain. You wake up wishing for death. You briefly consider, but then soundly veto, declaring that you drank too much last night.
You grab a quick shower and slide into the living room to find Dash snoring on your couch with TV still on.

She's cute when she's sleeping.
Where the fuck did THAT come from?

You turn around to go find something to do and stub your toe.
"Ah FUCK!"

Dash shoots upright "Huhwhuzzawho?"

You sit on the floor cradling your super serious and manly injury you got fighting a tiger or some shit.
"Sorry. That was just me."

She rubs her eyes. "Can you turn down the lights?"

"'Fraid not. That's the sun."

She groans. "Figures. The one time you really need Nightmare Moon..."

"Deal with it. Now get up, assbutt, some food has an appointment with our stomachs."

"Food is good."

"Such wisdom!"

She trots over to you and punches you in the shoulder. "Less talking, more walking."

You stand up and salute her. "Sir yes sir! Lemme just find my shoes."

She nods and heads to the door and you flail around like a stroke victim looking for the OTHER shoe that was RIGHT THERE LAST NIGHT WHERE THE FUCK DID IT GO?
Oh, there it is.
You slip it on and turn to go out when you're suddenly hit by the distinct sensation of your pants being a size or two too small.
Boner, what are you doing here? This is afterdrunk breakfast run! This is no place for boners!
Luckily, Dash isn't looking in your direction right now. She's facing the other way, so unless she's got eyes on her pert little flank she...
...

Aw, fuck. WHY, BONER? WHY? PONY NOT FOR SEXING!

Huh... that usually doesn't work. You were able to talk him down. Well then. Maybe a crossed wire? A fluke? You and Dash are going to walk down to Sugarcube Corner and there will be no more boners?
Let's hope so.

You both head out the door, walking pretty much side by side. Fortunately, this prevents even the remote possibility of you staring at succulent forbidden fruits that you-
God DAMNIT you are not attracted to ponies! NO! THAT IS NOT A TRUE THING!
Regardless, even if you WERE, which you are NOT, you two are walking side by side and so you won't be looking in any untoward directions.

"So hey, Anon, I've been thinking... about Applejack."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"I'm fine... I mean, I'm not even sure- Okay, remember yesterday? I asked how you can tell the difference between friendship and something more. I've never really, y'know, dated or whatever. I'm honestly not sure what sort of feelings I'm even looking for. All I know is that I feel DIFFERENT about Applejack than the rest of the girls. That doesn't necessarily mean I'm in love with her, does it?"

Shit, why's she gotta ask you questions about this kinda stuff? You don't know anything! You're apparently still in denial about your own fee- NO YOU ARE NOT.
YOU ARE JUST AROUSED BY VAGINAS IN GENERAL, ESPECIALLY GIVEN HOW LONG YOU HAVE NOW BEEN SINGLE.
Dash is your bro, nothing more.
... says the man who was just talking feelings with her the other day.
SHUT THE FUCK UP DON'T JUDGE ME FEELINGS CAN BE MASCULINE
Even if you DID want more, WHICH YOU DO NOT, she's apparently a lesbian so you are barking up the wrong tree.

"Anon?"

Right... you've been tripping over your own stupidity for several seconds now instead of answering her.
"Uh... yes? I'm sorry I'm not more help here, I'm just... me not am gud at feels."

"Don't worry about it too much. Let's just head in and grab some food."

Huh, you got here faster than you expected. The two of you step inside and Pinkie bounces up to the counter.

"Hiya, Dashie! Didja have any Apple Pie yesterday?" She wiggles her eyebrows suggestively.

"Well, no, but how the hay did you know I wanted any?"

"Boring, next question!"

"Seriously, how did you-"

"I said next question!"

You clear your throat. "Food?"

Pinkie nods. "Okay, I'll be right back. I'm sorry yesterday didn't go the way you wanted. That's two in a row without a lot of time to heal. Maybe I can set you up with one of those stallions we met last month?"

Stallions? So she's NOT a lesbian?
No boner, that doesn't actually change the fact that you aren't interested.
I said are NOT interested!

Dash shrugs. "I'm... I'm okay. I'll think about it."

The tell-tale jingle of the doorbell makes your blood turn to ice. You're pretty sure it isn't supposed to do that...
Applejack just walked in.

"Rainbow, can we talk?"

"Maybe. Maybe I'm busy?"

"Come on now, I may have been... less than invitin', but I didn't think I was outright hostile to ya or nothing'."

"I'm... I'm a bit hung over, and I'm starving, okay? Did you just want to apologize for the way you said it? I've already forgiven you."

Applejack shuffles her hooves and looks down. "Not ezackly. I'd really like a chance to talk."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"In private."

Dash looks at you for a second before turning back to Applejack. "Anything you want to say to me, Anon can hear too."

Applejack blushes furiously. "Well now this is gonna be 'plum awkward."

"Look, AJ, I'm not mad at you. If you're not into mares you're not into mares. Sure, it sucks-"

"What would you say if my barn door DID swing that way?"

Dash looks angry. "Well for starters I'd want to know why you're jerking me around about it."

"I jes'... look, I was raised REAL traditional-like. Mares an' mares... it ain't natural, that's what Granny always told me. I kept telling myself. You're a right pretty mare, Rainbow, ain't no denyin' that. I want... I want to give us a try. I think maybe I do have feelings for ya an just can't admit it on account of my upbringing."

"I say you two should go for it. Dash really cares about you, and you shouldn't immediately close off a possibility because you think it's weird. Experimenting isn't wrong."
Except when you do it, boner. It is completely wrong for you. Go directly to jail do not pass go do not collect $200 wrong.

Applejack blushes again. "So whaddaya say, Rainbow? Can ya forgive me and give me a chance here?"

Dash leans over the table and plants her lips on Applejack's.
You silently thank the table for hiding your secret shame-powered erection.

She pulls back. "I think so."

You hear that? She's taken now. Give up. Go home. Forsake this unholy obsession and pursue the much more righteous path of dying alone, but unsoiled by horsedicking.
Logic wins! Penis retreats!

Though that negative, sadness-like feeling sure doesn't seem appropriate considering the win-win situation here. Dash gets the lovin' she deserves and you get to continue to claim purity. What about that could possibly make you feel BAD?

"So hey, Anon, I uh... I'm gonna take AJ here out on the date I had planned for yesterday. Don't worry, I won't disappear. I'll still make time to hang out with you, just not every night. Maybe even bring my new marefriend with me. See you tomorrow?"

"Sounds good, Dash."

For reasons beyond your comprehension, you find yourself driven to drink heavily again that night.
You dream again of those two engaging in erotic tomfoolery, again denying you thought it was hot even in the face of overwhelming dick-based evidence, but find that the alcohol and pleasant dream haven't washed away that strange morose feeling.

Dash knocks on your door early in the afternoon and invites you out for basketball.
Applejack is there, but even numbers work better and so a fourth pony was brought along. Some pegasus stallion you've never met before.
You have a hard time focusing on the game.
What's wrong with you?
You can't seriously...
I mean, BESIDES the fact that she's a pony (who you are NOT attracted to), she's your BRO.
You'd have to consult the rulebook to be sure, but you're reasonably confident that this is a massive violation.
AND she's taken. Do you spend huge, unreasonable amounts of time pining for women you already had your shot at who ended up with someone else?
Don't answer that.
...
The answer is yes.
The answer is ALSO irrelevant because no because of reasons A B and C as outlined above.

The game is over. You and Random Stallion Guy lost, which honestly even if you had been paying attention was probably inevitable.
Dash and Applejack are P0nyville's top atheletes, afterall. Whose bright idea was it for those two to be on the same team, anyway?

Two shining paragons of fitness, both with no small amount of pride in their abilities and fairly mean competitive streaks, couldn't possibly be bested by mere mortals like you and No Name.
They didn't even break a sweat!
See? Both dry as a bone. Not a drop of moisture anywhere on either of those fine bodies.

...
Did you just?
No.
GOD.
FUCKING.
DAMNIT.

NO!

One is TOLERABLE. Heck, maybe even FUNNY if you spin it just right.
But TWO ponies? Unacceptable. Absolutely, unquestionably unacceptable.
What would even... what's your endgame there, a three-way?
There isn't a single imaginable scenario in which a three-way between Dash, Applejack, and a human is even REMOTELY okay.
Who would want to see something like that? A sick fuck, that's who! And you're NOT one of those!

And even if you WERE, you were never one for mindless sex with people you don't really care about. You barely know Applejack!
...>implying you care about Dash.
Okay, whoever is saying that shit? SHUT IT. YOU AREN'T FUNNY AND YOU AREN'T RIGHT AND I HATE YOU AND I DO NOT WANT TO PUT MY DICK BETWEEN HORSE A AND HORSE B, NO MATTER WHICH HORSES ARE SELECTED FOR THAT PURPOSE.
Whatever you say, man. By the way - ding. Welcome to bonertown, population: you.

"So Anon, would ya mind terribly if Rainbow and I stopped by your place tonight fer... what was it called... BASH? 'Booze and stupid shit'? I've got some powerful cider ya might wanna try."

"Nah, he'd love it. New and exciting alcohol is new and exciting, right Anon?"

As confused as you totally aren't about whatever it is you aren't feeling right now, you could use some booze and/or stupid shit to relax with. "How's seven?"

"Sounds great!"

"I'll catch up with you in a sec, AJ."

"Sure, sugar." She starts to trot away. Whatshisname is already gone.

"You okay, Anon? You were pretty out of it back there."

"Huh? Oh. Yeah, I dunno. I've... I'm not sure what to think lately. Everything's a little weird."

"Well hey, you're there for me, I'm here for you. Wanna talk about it?"

No.
No no no. Don't do it.
Don't you say a word. Don't you FUCKING say A WORD.
"... I think I might be-"
SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH RIGHT THIS SECOND BEFORE I-
"-developing some feelings."

A look of comprehension dawns across Dash's face, followed quickly by one of horror.
She seems (rightfully) disgusted by the implications of that statement.
"Anon, are you saying what I think you're saying?"

"... yeah."

Why is the world sideways and why is there suffering where your jaw is supposed to be?
Oh, you're bleeding. Okay. The suffering is because of the same thing that's making you bleed.
The world isn't sideways, you're just lying on the ground.
So okay then. Mysteries solved.
Now why the hell are you on the ground and bleeding?

"Don't you do this to me, Anon! Don't you DARE do this!"

You start to push yourself into a sitting position.

"How could you even do something like that? How awful do you have to be to wait until now? There's... there's no good way for this to end! One or more hearts are gonna end up broken, maybe even more damage than that! I know you aren't good with feelings, but this... you can't... UGH!"
She blasts out of there at a crazy speed, the shockwave from her takeoff sending you rolling a few feet across the basketball court.
You aren't so injured that you can't move, but you can't find the motivation to stand at the moment.
You lie there, bleeding just a bit and feeling the warm rays of the sun on your body.
There's a very faint breeze.
It's quiet.
...

A distincly hoofstep-like set of sounds gently floats into your ears, but it's not a pony walking. The timing is wrong.
It's more like jumping.
Or hopping?

"Hiya, Anon! Are you practicing basketball? Because if you are, that's good. You're doing it completely wrong, and if you're that bad you definitely need the practice!"

"Not now, Pinkie."

"Aw, you sound sad! What's wrong? Would a cupcake help?"

"...No, Pinkie. A cupcake would not help." You stand up.

"You've got a little blood coming out of your mouth."

"I know."

She frowns and stops bouncing. "Do ya wanna talk about it?"

"No. Talking about it is why I'm bleeding."

"Huh?"

"I'm gonna go drink. You wanna come with me?"

Her smile returns. "Sure! It's been ages since I've gotten completely hammered!"

Okay then. You can deal with this. So maybe... MAYBE you want to put your dick in a horse. MAYBE. And MAYBE she's super pissed off at you now and you've blown your chance.
Doesn't mean life has to suck. You and P0nyville's resident party expert are gonna go consume enough alcohol to level Russia. Sounds like as good a night as any.
Your mood improves.
What could possibly go wrong?

Your eyes creak open.
Oh look, the sun wants to say hello! Isn't that nice?
No. No it is not. The sun doesn't speak English. Or Equestrian. Whatever.
The sun only speaks in PAIN.
You immediately slam your eyes shut and reach for the nearest pillow to cover your face, but are surprised to hit something warm and furry.
Only a really shitty pillow would be furry. Warm makes sense if it was recently used, though.
Is that the sound of someone breathing?
God, everything's so damn hazy right now. How much did you drink last night?
You remember... basketball. And then something bad with Da-
Oh yeah.
Okay, you remember WHY you were drinking.
So then let's see... you got up to go home and... right, Pinkie came with you.
She pulled out a copy of Equestria's Funniest Home Videos and the two of you played some terrible drinking game. One that was clearly meant to kill the players like "drink every time the audience laughs."

You're startled out of your thoughts by a yawn.
Oh shit.

"Morning, Anon!"

Oh SHIT.

In an act of bravery they will sing songs of for ages, you open your eyes and look toward the furry pillow.

"I'm really glad I just happened to bump into you before you went home. Last night was so much fun! I got completely hammered, and THEN I got completely hammered!" She winks at you. "Round two, big guy?"

Everything is spinning. Yeah, you're hungover pretty bad, but even if you weren't...
This is heavy.
You've managed to completely flip your life upside-down in one day.
Way to go fuckass!
Your bro and MAYBE love interest hates your guts (and is taken), you've submitted concrete evidence to the universe that you ARE a furry, and then you had to go ahead and top the shit cake with some extra shit icing by making sure the mare you fucked in a drunken stupor just happened to be one of Dash's best friends - thus ensuring maximum awkwardness from now until the end of time.

"Anon, do you want to put your cinammon stick in my tertiary cake hole or not?"

No! You want to sort out the love triangl... er, rhombus? You're gonna go with that. You want to sort out this love rhombus before you go making any more mistakes!
Wait, tertiary cake hole? What does that even MEAN?

Pinkie leaps onto you and pins you to the bed. "Okay look, I'm gonna be straight here with ya. Well, okay, I guess it's not really possible to be gay with you, but that's besides the point! I want to go again, and if you don't say no in the next ten seconds I'm going to interpret your silence as consent and get started."

Ohgod, boner, why? WHY HAVE YOU BETRAYED ME?
You could have been forgiven for last night! Could have said you were drunk and didn't know what you were doing, but this? You have no excuse!
Brain, come on pal, veto this dick!
...
FUCK YOU, BRAIN. NEVER THERE WHEN I NEED YOU! Can't trust that traitorous dick either.
You suppose you can only listen to the sagely stomach from now on.
Stomach, advice? Bacon you say? Sounds splendid!

Pinkie grins hungrily down at you. "Party time!" In one swift, laser-guided motion, you find yourself entangled with Pinkie, engaged in no fewer than three different erotic activities.
Your mouth is being invaded by a tongue.
Councillor stomach demands an explanation for this. That's not bacon! It's not bacon at all!
Though it does carry a very pleasant minty flavor.
Quickly, while your penis is distracted you should make a break for it!

Really? How retarded ARE you?
Isn't it a bit late to run away now, anyway?
You're having sex with Pinkie for at least the second time in the last twenty four hours. You're going to have to deal with the consequences whether you continue right now or not. You might as well enjoy yourself.
Dick, you aren't brain! You can't logic! Stop making sense!
Brain, tell him!

There's a knock at the door.
Yes! Saved! Saved by...
Somewhere deep in the most idiotic parts of your brain, you wish you had a doorbell.

"Anon? You in there? We need to talk!"

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

Pinkie stops moving and sits upright. "Uh... hmmm. You know, I'm pretty sure this is the first time I've ever been interrupted. I dunno what I'm supposed to do here. Do we ignore it and keep going, or what?"

"No, we definitely uh... we need to stop so I can answer the door." You gently push Pinkie off to one side. "This might be important."

"'Kay. I'll wait."

Okay, pants then door. Think you can manage that without fucking anything up?
Success! Gold star for you! You put on pants and walked to the door and nobody died or got their heart broken!

You make a show of sleepily rubbing your eyes. "Mfmrglh... mrng. Er... morning."

"Anon, I need to know two things so I can figure out how mad to be."

You gulp and nod.

"Yesterday... you... you were gonna say what I thought you were gonna say, and you weren't making anything up or playing a prank on me. Right?"

You nod again.

She chokes back a small sob, tears welling in the corners of her eyes. "Then why? Why did you wait so long?"

"Dash, I'm not sure I follow..."

"I... you waited until after I asked Applejack out." She's doing a really good job of keeping her voice level despite how drenched her face is in sorrow. "You waited until I couldn't say yes, and now I'm torn because I couldn't stand to lose either of you! Why couldn't you... why couldn't you have gone before? Before I realized how I felt about AJ? Maybe..."
She sniffles.
"Maybe if we'd been together, I wouldn't have thought about how lonely I was so much. Maybe I wouldn't have figured out that I liked her, and then it could've just been me and you?"

Brain? I know you're there, brain. Listen, I know we're not on the best terms right now, but I really need your help here.
You have to tell me what in the FUCK Dash is going on about.
Can you do that for me? Please?
No?
Well fuck you, too.

"Dash, what are you talking about? What do you mean before? We were just bros! Bros don't bang!"

"Cut the crap, Anon! Don't pretend you didn't know! I was as obvious as it gets! I wanted you so bad, and I made SURE you could tell!"

"You never said anything!"

"Look, we're way past the part where you don't want to hurt my feelings by rejecting me, okay? You can't just stay quiet and pretend nothing's happening anymore. There's you, there's me, and there's Applejack, and there's a darn good chance one of us is going to have our heart broken. So please... please don't make this any worse than it has to be."

"Anon, I got tired of waiting and went to your kitchen to make us some breakfast but you didn't have any eggs so-"

"Pinkie? What the hay are you doing here?"

"Huh? Oh, Anon was pretty down yesterday so I came over to cheer him up!"

Dash's face shifts from sadness to confusion. "Okay, but why are you here today?"

You look over and see Pinkie about to say something. You have no clue what (who ever does?) but you're more certain than you have been about anything for DAYS that if she keeps talking, there will be blood.
You shove a hand over her muzzle.
"Heheh, you know Pinkie. Always, uh, not making any sense."

Confusion fades and is replaced with a slowly building anger. "Anon? I need to know one more thing..."

"It's not what it looks like?"

You can see the rage about to boil over. You're in such deep shit now... you flinch back as Dash-

Turns and walks away without a word.

You hang your head.

"Did I miss something?"

"Pinkie, I think you should go."

"Aw, but I was gonna make us breakfast! It was gonna be so scrumptious and wonderful and fantastic as soon as I could get some eggs..."

"Please."

She drops her smile. She doesn't frown or scowl or anything. Her face is just... blank. "Okay, Anon. I'll go."

You stand in the doorway alone. A breeze that should be pleasant is instead chilling, doing nothing but reminding you of the stench of your sins - you could use a shower. You don't care.

For a while, you don't really do much of anything. You're enough of a fuckup that it's better not to take any risks, right?
After a few days - you're not sure how many, you haven't left the house - there's a knock at the door.
You shuffle over and crack it open just a bit.

"Anon, we gotta talk. Rainbow's been actin' mighty unusual fer a few days and I was hopin' you'd be able to help me snap her out of it."

You shut the door and immediately hear a pounding noise.

"Now just what in tarnation are you doin'? That is RUDE, Anon! I know you care enough about Rainbow that ya don't wanna see her mopin' around, so help me put a stop to it!"

You don't respond.

She bucks the door heavily. "FINE! If you ain't gonna help, I can always get Pinkie to throw a party for some reason or other."

You sigh and open the door. "That's probably a bad idea."

"Huh? Why's that?"

"She's... pretty mad at her. Probably angrier with me, but still definitely not on good terms with Pinkie."

"Somethin' happen?"

"...You could say that. I... I screwed up. Bad."

"Yeah, I figured this was on you. 'Swhy I came to ya."

"You're not mad?"

"I'm a mite upset, sure, but nah. I ain't mad at ya. Ponies - and I guess people, too - make mistakes. I just want Rainbow to be happy. Truth is, I'm pretty sure she's sweet on ya."

You blink. "What about you?"

"Listen, I love Rainbow. I do. She's one of the most important ponies in my life. But there's more than one kind of love, sugar. The last thing I wanna do is hurt her, so when she came to me all blubberin' I couldn't very well just shut her off completely. So I did the only fair thing. Gave it a chance. It's been a few days, and I'm pretty sure we ain't gonna work. If I'm bein' honest, I think we're both too stubborn. So yes, I do love Rainbow, and maybe I do like mares. Heck, you could prob'ly even say she gits my engine revvin'."
She blushes.
"But that don't matter none. Point is, I don't love her the way she needs to be loved. And right now with how out of sorts she is, I'm figurin' she needs that love more than ever."
"Now I know you think you ain't interested in ponies like that, but if you'll remember I was sayin' the same thing about mares. Sometimes ya just gotta give somethin' a chance. I don't know what kinda love you have for Rainbow. I don't know how much you care. But I'm hopin' it's enough for you to give her the chance she deserves."

You stand in stunned silence for a good twenty seconds.

"Anon? Ya still with me?"

"What do I do?"

"Take Rainbow out on a date, of course."

"No, I mean... she's mad at me."

"Well shoot, I thought you were smarter than that. You APOLOGIZE, ya big lug."

Who's a silly human?
You're a silly human!
Who is?
You is!
Stu-pid fuck.
Saying stupid shit and fucking up relationships - who is?
You is!
Stu-pid fuck.
You herp all day and you herp all night, popping pony boners left and right.
Dreaming all your sick-fuck dreams, staring at ponies so lustfully.
Who's a silly human?
You're a silly human!
Who is?
You is!
Stu-pid fuck.
Being blind to signals and putting dicks in Pinkie - who is?
You is!
Stu-pid fuck.

Are we done here? Do you feel sufficiently retarded yet? Good, time to move on.
"Where is she?"

"By the lake in the park. She likes that spot a lot."

"Thank you." You lean down and grab Applejack in a fierce hug. "You're a good pony."

"Heh... thanks?" You don't notice, but she's blushing a little.

You put her down, and take off running, not bothering to shut the door behind you.
Dick, stomach, brain, we all on the same page here? Operation don't be a piece of shit?
Good then-
Weeeeell...
Brain? What the fuck is it, and why can't it wait?
You did kinda plow Pinkie...
And? I'm going to apologize to Dash.
Aren't you forgetting someone?
God damnit brain, why can't we focus on the mission?
If you're a piece of shit to anyone, you're a piece of shit. Do unto others, etcetera?
But she... she's Pinkie!
Don't try to pull that, you saw her face and you know it! She wasn't happy when you told her to leave.
But... but...
Y'know, she's at Sugarcube Corner. You know what else is there?
YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU'RE JUST MANIPULATING STOMACH NOW!
Stomach? What's your take here?
DISREGARD BITCHES, ACQUIRE CAKE
Thought so.
Okay, we're gonna make a QUICK detour. QUICK, got it?

You pop into the front door and are relieve to see a fairly peppy looking Pinkie.

"Hiya, Anon! How are ya?"

"Uh, good, I guess? Listen, Pinkie, about the other day..."

"Aw, don't worry about it."

"Are you sure? You're not, like, secretly in love with me or anything?"

She taps a hoof against her chin. "Nope. You were sad, so I cheered you up. I really hadn't been hammered or hammered in forever, so I figured why not? It was a fun night of no-strings-attached sexy adventures."

"You looked... sad when I told you to leave."

"Well duh! I wasn't gonna get to make that awesome breakfast! Plus I was disappointed that I didn't get to go for another spin on your disco stick. We had a nice night at the Roxbury, but I wanted to try taking you to Studio 54!"

You blink.

"Studio 54 is my ass!"

You shake the... whatever out of your head.
Okay, brain, we good here? Dick, you still on your best behavior?
STOMACH HUNGRY
Yes, stomach, well aware. Gonna grab something on to eat on the way, sound good? Everyone happy? Everybody set?
You grab some food and take off for the park.

Dash is lying on her stomach, staring out across the eerily calm water.
You gently sit down next to her.
"Hey."

"What do YOU want?"

Pop quiz, brain, is the answer:
A) To apologize
B) To see you smile
C) Your hot flank
or D) A three-way with you and Applejack?
Dick, put your hand down. It's BRAIN'S turn to answer. You'll get your chance later.

"Applejack doesn't love you."
SMOOOOOOOOOOOTH, brain. You get an F+.

"... I know."

"I... uh... I'm sorry. About everything."

"..."

"I'm a stupid fuckup. I really didn't know how you felt. Not that that's necessarily BETTER, but it's the TRUTH. I'm an idiot."

"Why?"

Again with the non-specific why! Is she doing that on purpose?

"Why Pinkie?"

"I... I was depressed and drunk and confused and... I don't know. I don't know what you want to hear on this one. I'm not even sure what I did was wrong! As far as I knew, nop0ny loved me and suddenly here comes Pinkie ready and willing to try to make me feel better. What was I supposed to do, huh?"

"I dunno, not fuck one of my best friends behind my back?"

"But it wasn't, 'behind your back'! I can't honestly apologize for something that I had no way of knowing would hurt you."

"You totally could've known if you weren't such a stupid jerk!"

"Okay, yeah. I can apologize for being a dumbass. That... that's all me. I can even swear to you that if I knew... I would NEVER have done it. Making girls cry is against the code."

"That makes me feel SO much better, knowing that some dumb little code would be the only thing stopping you from breaking my heart!"

"Are you trying to make new reasons to be mad at me now? That's not the only thing! God damnit Dash, I CARE about you! When I realized what was going on... when I saw the look on your face when you found out about Pinkie, I was crushed! That look could destroy armies. Why do you think I didn't leave the house for however many days?"

"...You didn't leave your house?"

"No. I didn't. I sat there and wallowed in self-pity. Which maybe isn't the best course of action, but if all I'd done wrong was violate the code I wouldn't have turned into a giant quivering shitpile like that. It took a pretty damn impressive speech from Applejack to turn me around."

She turns to face you. "Applejack? But she doesn't-"

"No way. Don't even think it. She cares about you. She loves you."

"Then why doesn't she want to be with me?" She blinks away a few fresh tears. "Why didn't you want to be with me?"

"I can't speak for others-"

"Am I too stupid? Loud? Ugly?"

"What? No! None of that! I'M the dumb piece of shit, not you. And you're not ugly. Not even close. If I'm being completely, 100% honest with myself, I think I always found you attractive. I was just denying it because I didn't want to admit that I would love nothing more than to repeatedly put my dick into and take it back out of horses. It's kindof frowned upon where I'm from."

She almost smiles.

"I'm never going to let my penis into any of Pinkie's various 'cake-holes' again, and I'm giving you free reign to hit me whenever I say or do something that hurts you. You're... I don't even know what I would DO around here without you. You're...
Okay brain, please hold on and don't interrupt.
Why? What are you about to do?
Trust me, it's awesome.
Not buying it.
Can't hear you! Talking to Dash!
"When there's lightning bringing me down... when it's cold and I've lost my hold to the shadows of the night-"
OH COME ON, YOU CAN'T SERIOUSLY BE DOING THIS? IT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE! THAT'S NOT WHAT THE SONG IS ABOUT AT ALL!
"-when there's no sign of the morning coming-"
This is easily the stupidest thing you've ever said!
Nope. It's fuckin' Dio, man! DIO!
"You're my rainbow in the dark."
GAWD YOU SUCK SOOOO BAAAAAD
Shut it, you know I rock. Dio rocks.
There is a difference between rocking and being romantic you sweaty, festering asshole!

Dash blinks a few times.

"Eheh... what I'm trying to say here is, Dash, you're the best pony. The BEST. It'd be stupid of me on so, so many levels to not do everything I can to keep you happy. So... please. Can you give me the chance to show you how almost worthwhile I can be? I promise I'm at least 35% of a useful person. I can understand simple instructions and occasionally say something witty! I can quote Spaceballs verbatim, and sometimes when the moon is just right, I can say something to make a friend feel better. Act now and I'll throw in a lifetime supply of trying not to eat the last slice of pizza!"

"Anon, shut up."

"What?"

It's easy to forget just how fast Dash can be. You didn't blink, but you still didn't see her move into place in front of you.

She puts a hoof on your chest. "Just stop talking. It's not... you don't need to say any more. You won this before you even got here."
She leans in and presses her lips to yours.
It feels... right.

Long after the kiss ends, the two of you are still wrapped in eachother's embrace, neither of you wanting to move for fear of shattering this beautiful, fragile moment.
After how many times you screwed up, you're not sure how you got the good ending. All you can remember is a string of failures and an impious boning.
But it's okay, because you're right where you need to be.
You have Dash, and your stomach is even full.

Hey.
Hey.
HEY.
What?
Three-way. Go for it.
What? But Applejack is-
Totally still physically attracted to Dash.
Yeah but-
Come on, what happened to "you'll get your turn later?"
Isn't Dash enough?
But... but... three-way!
Maybe if there's ever a clop, okay?
YAY!

...(hehe... sucker - there's never gonna be clop!)

You remember that one that stalled out and didn't finish? Here's another. Skip it. No quality here.

You remember that one that stalled out and didn't finish? Here's another. Skip it. No quality here.

Day whogivesafuck
Did you know Twilight was allergic to bees?
You do now!
You also know now that it is... unwise... to challenge Pinkie to any sort of consumption contest, be it sweets, meats, or even delishamous alcomohols.
You ALSO know now that Gummy is not to be trusted.
You also ALSO know now that alligators and bees get along much better than you'd expect.

Learning is fun.

Hello ground. Did you forget? You were reviewing the lessons of the day while you plummeted towards your untimely demise. Just a few more seconds until you-
OOF
Go flying sideways?
Aw shit yeah! Motherfuckin' Dash saving your ass once again like a total goddamn champion.
You lean in to kiss her (YES, YOU LOVE THIS HORSE AND YOU'RE BARELY ASHAMED ANYMORE - the two of you almost told the others yesterday but you chickened out at the last minute) when suddenly the most awfully cliche and retarded thing goes wrong.
Twilight's horrific bee allergy gave her some kind of magic hiccup and she threw out a spell at random. You didn't have time to notice what exactly it was, but something large and heavy was teleported to the space over your head and fell, slamming you and Dash into the ground.
Everything went black.

You peel your eyes open, finding yourself in a cozy room in a rustic cottage. The furniture is a bit small.
You can hear a voice humming from another room, and you're reasonably certain those are pancakes you smell.
You aren't sure where you are or what's happened, but you're positive that pancakes will help.
Ignoring the dull ache coursing through your whole body, you lift the covers and stand.
The humming has stopped, and you hear quiet steps drifting slowly toward the door. Something's odd about them, though. They're rapid as hell, like whoever it is is running, but still very soft and quiet.
The door creaks open.

"Dflapinglnrmramrod."

Is that horse trying to talk? And holding a plate in its mouth? That is a very well trained horse!
It is also rather disconcertingly different from any horse you've ever seen before. Smaller, more expressive, way more brightly colored...
Is it... offering you pancakes?
You reach forward and grab the plate. You swear the damn thing smiles at you.

"Cherberussialake."

Whatever's going on, these pancakes are fucking delicious. You swallow the little piece of heaven.
"Thanks, horse thing."

Suddenly, it looks worried.
"Fnargolhookerdropgrem?"

"Uh, look, horsie... I don't speak whatever it is you're speaking. I'm very grateful that you apparently took me in after whatever heroic accident I got into, and I'm VERY grateful for the pancakes, but I'm lost here. I've seen some shit in my life. I'm willing to accept that you're intelligent, and I'm only going to freak out a little bit about all this, but I'm afraid there's a communication barrier. Maybe we can draw some pictures?"

It looks scared now. Kinda backing away and shivering and cowering.
"Kwehkupo."

Well quit scaring the poor thing! Kneel down, lower your voice, be as unthreatening as possible!
"Sorry. It's okay, I'm not gonna hurt you."
Yeah, as if it can understand what you're saying. Dumbass.
Oh god, is about to start crying? Please don't. You don't think your heart could take it if this thing burst into tears because of you.

It sniffles a little.
"Geotambrequ, Rainbow Dash lerqwamn."

Did you just understand some of that? Something something Rainbow Dash something?
"Hey, what did... what did you just say? Rainbow Dash?"

Its eyes widen.
"Leptonbrekzor Rainbow Dash?"

"Something in German, and then Rainbow Dash again. Those two words I think I get. I have no idea what you mean, but it's a start."

It sits, adorably, apparently thinking for a while. Then it points one of its hooves at itself.
"Fluttershy."

The fuck? You point back.
"Fluttershy."

It nods.

Well that's certainly unusual. You point at yourself.
"Anonymous."

It points at you, smiles, and nods.
"Anonymous."

Progress! Talky horsies have a concept similar enough to "names" that you can understand eachother a bit.
You point at the pancakes.
"Pancakes."

She closes her eyes and shakes her head, then grabs you by the hand and leads you down the stairs.
Apparently you're going on a field trip today.
The two of you step out of the little cottage and into the absurdly bright and colorful world. You can see a town a short distance away, and that seems to be the direction you're moving.
There's a blurry streak of blue in front of you, and suddenly you're confronted with another talky horsie.

"Nerflailkando Anon gunkatazorb!"

You reel back slightly and turn towards Fluttershy.

She gently pushes the blue one away from you.
"Anonymous xemnawehj," she says to the blue one before turning back to you. She points at the blue, and as you're just noticing - winged - horse. "Rainbow Dash."

Got it. Yellowquiet is Fluttershy, and blueloud is Rainbow Dash. And apparently Rainbow Dash is barely holding back some tears.
Something... something is off here. When Fluttershy almost cried, you wanted it to stop because... well, watching her cry would be like watching a kitten die. This is tugging at you just as hard, if not harder, but you can't place what it is. It's not that "ohgodpleasedon'thurtcutekitteh" instinct from before. It's something else.
You lean forward and wipe some of the moisture away from her eyes.
At least, you're pretty sure it's a girl. You'd bet that both of them are, but you'd rather not check.
She seems to take a lot of comfort from that simple gesture.
The three of you resume the walk toward the town and eventually come up to a big, hollowed out tree-building thingy. Judging by the picture of books on the sign, you'd guess this was the town's library.

A purple horse comes out of the front door, covered in discolored bumps, but looking very excited.
"Bartelmonodrwhocrayonskimonokoalakaratemarcopoloterbalabadente Celestia qweldamda-"

Rainbow Dash puts one of her hooves over the new horse's mouth.
"Twilight, Anon jemblaternaldokorozeld."

The purple one squints and stares at you for a few seconds before turning back to the others.
[Making up gibberish and occasionally throwing real words/names in because you're bored is stupid. From now on, unintelligible dialogue is going to be random bullshit between brackets.]

Fluttershy shakes her head.
[What's the deal with airline food?]
She looks back to you and points at the purple one.
"Twilight Sparkle."

You nod.
The three horses around you have a very animated conversation before all of you end up heading inside and down some stairs. There's some kind of crazy basement laboratory underneath the library.
There's all sorts of shit down here, like tesla coils and freaky glowing magic shit and a table with a horse strapped to it-
Err... what? Like, not one of them. Like a REGULAR horse. That doesn't talk.

"Somebody, help me! Please!"

Oookay, so maybe it does.
"Hello?"

"OH THANK GOD, SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS ME!"

"YOU understand ME?"

"Yeah, I don't get it either. You're a human, I'm a horse, those... things are almost horses, but all they do is spout gibberish."

"I know! It's weird!"

The colorful talking horses are stunned into silence by the conversation they presumably can't understand. Twilight Sparkle - who you noticed a little while ago has a horn that's now glowing - looks like she's taking notes. But the pencil is floating?

"So, uh... what... where do we start here?"

"Maybe untying me? Pretty uncomfortable."

You nod and reach forward, but are stopped by a glowing blob of who-knows-what.

Twilight Sparkle is eyeing you suspiciously.
[Search deviantart for X the hedgehog, where X is something you used to love. Weep softly.]

You stare silently at her.
The glowy forcefield dissipates and you undo the horse's restraints.

It scrambles to its hooves.
"That feels MUCH better. So okay, I don't know who you are or where we are or what's going on. Maybe we could share notes on any of that? I was grazing on some grass, there was a flash of light, and then I was here, tied to that table. You?"

"Uh... I can't remember. I was... somewhere. Doing, most likely, something. And then I was here. Oh, and Fluttershy made me pancakes!"

"Helpful. Who's Fluttershy?"

You point at the shy yellow horse that ALSO has wings like Rainbow Dash, but apparently keeps them folded up all the time. You point around the room, naming each creature and ending with yourself.

The horse nods. "And I'm Buttercup. So that's all we know?"

"Yeah, I think so. But I can sorta communicate with them. Names, at least."

"Well that's just great. Stuck in a strange land without any idea what's going on."

"It's not so bad here. They're all really nice, and my house is pretty-"
Wait, what? How the hell would you know what they're like? And why would you have a house here?
Aw, shit, is that what's going on? That shittiest of tropes, the amnesiac protagonist?
The whole way along your journey, all the important details are kept hidden while the author snickers about how much the reader doesn't understand?

"So are you just gonna stand there with your jaw hanging open, or are you going to tell me what you just came up with?"

You shake yourself out of it. "Right. Okay, so I DO know a bunch of stuff, but I uh... I forgot it. I'm pretty sure I live here and these ponies know me. They're worried about me."

The horse rears up and lets out a loud whinny. "That's great news! All we need to do is wait for your memories to come back and then you can help me!"

"Fuck that. I can help you NOW! They can't understand you, I can. Birds of a feather and all that, yeah? You come stay with me."
You point at Twilight Sparkle, then the tree around you. You point at yourself, and then shrug your shoulders.

Twilight appears to be thinking for a few seconds before the proverbial lightbulb goes off. She points in a direction.

You look over at Buttercup and smile. "Bingo."

Buttercup gallops over and shoves her muzzle underneath you, launching you up into the air with her startlingly powerful neck. She catches you on her back and runs up the stairs. Girl has SKILLS.
Before long, you're coming up on a building that looks way too familiar to be anything but your home.
You point and shout excitedly, and Buttercup slows to a stop.

"This is definitely the place. I don't think I have, like, a stable or whatever, but I'm pretty sure we can find SOMEWHERE for you to be."

"Anything's better than a table."

The two of you share a laugh before Rainbow Dash storms out of the sky and sends a clowd of debris up well over the tallest building in town.
"ANON, [ONE OF THESE DAYS, ALICE...]??!?"
She looks PISSED.

"Whoah, calm down, Dash! What'd I do?"

[IT PUTS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN!]

"I know you're mad. I'd like it if you weren't, but I can't really do anything if I don't know what's wrong."

[WILL ROSS AND RACHEL EVER QUIT BEING RETARDED?]

Well this is going swimmingly. She yells nonsense and you ask questions she can't understand. You two must have had some sort of agreement you're violating.
It's not exactly your fault. You literally don't know what it is.

Buttercup starts stamping her hooves impatiently.
"Hey, c'mon. It's not like you can do anything for her right now. She's upset, and there's nothing you can say to fix it. Let's just go inside."

You look at Dash, hope that's not a fine mist starting to form along the bottom of her eyes, and push the door open.

She hangs her head and slowly flaps away.

Buttercup trots into your house and starts exploring.
Being a goddamn horse and lacking the finesse of your fine self and/or the colorful little ponies that live around here, she knocks a bunch of shit over.
She grins sheepishly and apologizes.

"There's SOMETHING important I'm forgetting. Dash is way too upset for it to be something stupid."

"Jeez, you're still on that? Let it go. There's nothing you can do."

"I dunno..."

"You got any oats?"

"What?"

"Oats. I'm starving."

Something worrying is going off. Some sort of internal alarm you have that's useful. Can't place it, though.
"Oh. Uh, I don't think so."

"Eh... I guess I'll just eat whatever."
She kicks at your fridge a few times, trying and failing to open it, before she instead noses open a few cupboards.
There are now the Equestrian equivalent of Lucky Charms ALL over your kitchen floor.
Buttercup smiles and munches away. You turn on the TV and eye your liquor cabinet.

The next morning, you roll off of your couch and groggily stumble toward the bathroom.
You spot Buttercup sleeping in your bed through the open door before you slip into the shower.
As you try to scrub away the vaguely unpleasant feelings you can't identify, something clicks.
You know EXACTLY what's wrong with Buttercup.
She's an ASSHOLE. Dismissing your concerns, running straight for whatever it is she wants, and just having a general attitude of "disregard others, acquire benefits."
You begin thinking of ways to get her to leave without directly throwing her out.
She IS in a pretty shitty situation, and you're the only support she's got.
With the primary cobwebs removed, the rest of the pieces start falling into place as you remember most or all of what you'd forgotten.
You probably just hit your head a lot harder than you thought when you fell.

There's some shouting, then the sound of glass shattering.
You leap out of the shower and down the hall.
"What the hell is going on in here?"

Buttercup is bucking and kicking all around the room while Dash hovers and dodges. Your shouting startles them.
They both stop and turn to look at you.

Dash blushes.

Buttercup whinnies.

"Both of you need to calm down and stop destroying my room."

"Anon! You can talk again!"

"Dash?"

Buttercup kicks her in the face.

"That's it. You're done here."

"Whoa, wait a minute. No need to-"

She goes out the already shattered window, but still takes quite a few cuts from the remaining shards.
She panics, flails, and runs away.

Dash dusts herself off.
"Okay, Anon. I know you had a head injury or some junk and the language processamawhatever in your brain was all screwy, but what the HAY were you doing?"

"What are you talking about?"

"That... that thing!" She says, pointing a hoof out the window.

"Buttercup? What about her?"

"BUTTERCUP? You NAMED it?"

"What? Look, she woke up lost and confused, same as me, so I helped her out. That's all."

"Anon, you aren't making any sense."

"Maybe my head is still fuzzier than I think it is. I woke up, I couldn't remember anything, and I couldn't understand any of you. Then we went to Twilight's and she had Buttercup strapped to the table."

"Well what else was she supposed to do with a wild animal? All she did was run around, get confused, and kick things looking for food. We had to keep her from causing any damage."

I really am not feeling this one. I painted myself into some weird, awkwardly shaped corner. I'm going to paste the last bit I have here and drop this. Applelologies.

I might consider starting to do that thing others do where they plan and write first and THEN post once it's workable. I just kinda liked the "post as you go" structure. It's got some inherent fun I can't nail down, and ALSO it's a nice little point of pride. Look what I can do without any rehearsal or editing or planning or help! Of course it leaves the chance for failure like here... whatever. Okay, pasting remaining scraps, then done with this thing.

And then something about clearing up a misunderstanding where Dash thinks you slept with Buttercup because she was in your bed.

Barf.

This is AWFUL. More bullshit than has ever been heaped into one "story" ever before. Stay away. Stay FAR away. You've been warned.

This is AWFUL. More bullshit than has ever been heaped into one "story" ever before. Stay away. Stay FAR away. You've been warned.

Everything is black and empty.
You can't see or hear or feel or smell anything at all.
Are you dead?
The last thing you remember is... aw, shit.
You made an arrow to the knee joke in public - you probably got shot.
Hey wait a minute... would it be ironic if you were shot... in the knee?

You'll be quiet now.
Speaking of quiet, maybe you aren't dead. You think you can hear voices.
Yeah. It's pretty faint, but there's a conversation going on.

"...Marmalade all over the..."

"...Pinkie, please. This is no time..."

"...Girls, I think it's waking up!"

"HA! Told ya, AJ. Pay up."

"Hold on now, we can't be sure jes' yet."

You manage to pry open one of your eyes, but all you can see is an endlessly clear blue sky.
"Where am I?"

"Cough it up, AJ."
There's a grumbling sound and some metallic clinking, followed by a sharp gasp.

"WECANTHROWHIMAPARTY!"

"Yes, Pinkie, we can do that. Later."
A blurry, purple looking face hovers over you. "Are you okay?"

You drag one of your hands up to your face and start rubbing at your eyes.
"Maybe? I don't know. What happened?"

"That's what we'd like to know. There was some sort of anomaly out here and a HUGE energy spike, so we came to investigate. But there wasn't a single thing out of place except for you."

Your vision is starting to focus a bit better, and you resolve that this is definitely a face, probably female, definitely purple, and DEFINITELY not human.
The surprise draws on reserves of energy you didn't know you had and you spring to your feet, away from the creature.
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU?"

She frowns. "Calm down. I assure you that you're just as strange to us as we are to you."

You toss your head to both sides, taking in the area. Other than the absurdly bright coloring of everything around you, things look pretty normal. And then there are those little horse things over there. Two of them have wings, two of them have horns, none of them could possibly be natural.
You take a deep breath.
"What are you, where am I, and why shouldn't I start flipping my shit?"

"I'm a unicorn, you're in Equestria, and there's no reason we can't be civil. As far as I know, you haven't done anything wrong."

Your mind briefly flashes back to an awful lot of evidence to the contrary. You shake yourself out of it. What they don't know doesn't count.
"Make believe, never heard of it, and civility isn't diametrically opposed to shit-flipping."
You keep yourself from hyperventilating and manage to stay pretty calm, given the circumstances.
You silently thank your brain for staying composed in such dire times, taking comfort in the fact that you know you can rely on it and if things go south you'll be in good hands.
You're pretty good at deluding yourself.

Six days later...

You know what? This place isn't so bad. Things are working out surprisingly well for you. You've got your own food and your own place and maybe, just maybe, some friends.
If you can manage to not reference any shitty and unfunny memes, maybe you can even keep these ones.
It isn't even all that hard to adjust. It's really pretty damn convenient how similar their society is to yours.
You take a break from frowning into your baconless refridgerator to go piss.
The bathroom is frighteningly familiar. Everything is smaller because the ponies themselves are small, but you have no idea how or why they'd use human-style toilets. You decide not to think about it since you never did figure out how to apply bleach to the brain without causing death or retardation.
You unzip your nice pants - thank you, Rarity - only to be yanked into the shower, cock-a-floppin'.
Something covers your mouth and a gruff voice speaks up from behind you.

"I need you to not scream. Nothing bad is going to happen to you."

You make an affirmative "mmph." noise. The hand slides away and you turn around to find...
Batman?
Whoever it is, they're dressed like Batman. And also almost definitely a human.
Is it strange that you find the sight of another human strange?
Is it strange that you're face to face with a reasonable facsimile of Batman and you're not excited?
Is it strange that your dick is hanging out and the both of you are just sortof ignoring it?

There's a tense and awkward silence that goes on for a good thirty seconds before you can't take it anymore.
"What the fuck, Batman?"

Batman smiles and zones out.

You punch him in the shoulder and he cries out like a little girl. That explains your lack of enthusiasm. This bitch is no dark knight - he's a phoney!

"Right. Sorry, I was distracted because of LEGITIMATE REASONS. I have a mission for you. It's of critical importance."

"And why in the name of George Zimmer should I listen to you?"

He smirks. "Two very good reasons, but I suspect right now you'll only care about one. Your future depends on it."

You fake a yawn. "Pass. Future me can eat a bag of dicks. I'm looking out for PRESENT me."

"Yeah, I figured. Reason two's a lot more compelling."

You quirk an eyebrow.

"Meat."

You quirk it harder.

"All the meat you can fit in your face."

You quirk it harder than you've ever quirked it before.

"You do what I ask, and you'll be granted a generous supply of beef, pork, chicken, turkey, bacon, all the standards."

Having not had meat for at least the last six days, this causes you to salivate. Some of your drool drips down onto your crotch. You smile awkwardly and zip your pants. Batman coughs.
"What do I gotta do?"

He pulls an envelope out of his costume and hands it to you. "You need to 'sneak' this into Twilight's mailbox."
Batman makes incredibly exaggerated air quotes at the word "sneak."

"So..., just walk up and drop it in in broad daylight?"

"No! You need to pretend you're trying to be sneaky and you're just really bad at it. Anyone who sees you needs to think you're trying to hide it."

Wait... hold on, you didn't think it was possible, but you quirk it even more. You are officially quirking beyond safe levels.
"I don't get to know any more details than that, do I?"

"Nope."

You sigh, salute, and turn to walk away. As you reach the door, you turn back around, wondering how Batman got in and how he's getting out, but he's already disappeared.
You glance up and down the hall before carefully prying the envelope open and pulling out a letter and another envelope.
The writing on the letter is clear and bold.

[Nice try. If you open this one, you'll regret it.]

You shrug and toss the letter aside before strolling toward the front door. You didn't have anything else to do today, so why not get this over with?
Batman wouldn't lie, right?
You "sneak" through town, hiding (poorly) in the shadows on your way to the library. Not being a COMPLETE dipshit, you only manage to get lost twice.
You crawl out of an alley, lying low to the ground, and make your way toward the mailbox. You take every opportunity to shift your eyes back and forth as loudly as you.
Eye shifting doesn't actually make noise.
Shut up, don't care.

"Hi Anon!"

"GAH!"
You tumble backward, away from Pinkie. She has a bad habit of appearing out of nowhere and scaring the shit out of you.

"Watcha doin'?"

Partially in an effort to keep up the ruse and partially because you really are somewhat at a loss for words, you stammer and shove the envelope into your pocket.

"You don't have to hide that from me. I already know exactly what you're doing."

"I... uh... I have no idea what you're talking about. I'm not hiding anything."

"Wow! You're really good at pretending to be bad at keeping a secret!"

Wait, what?

"Don't worry, silly. I know what you're doing right now, I just don't know what you're doing after that! I know we have a lot of fun today or tomorrow, but I don't know how yet." She puts a hoof to her chin and blinks a few times. "Do you think it has anything to do with giraffes?"

"If you know what I'm doing, then why are you talking to me right now? Wouldn't it be a lot more suspicious if I was being sneaky and not chatting?"

"I dunno. But I do know I was told to come talk to you before you could finish."

Batman, what the SHIT are you up to?

"Everything'll be fine. I'm pretty sure nop0ny is watching anymore anyway. Now hurry up and put that paper in the box so we can go put the fun in our afternoon and/or evening and/or also and/or morning. I think."

Skipping the migraine you'd get from trying to follow this nonsense (See, Brain? You're being taken care of!), you nod your head and comply. Pinkie grabs you by the arm and the two of you go gallivanting off to who-knows-where.
Apparently right back to Sugarcube Corner. ALSO apparently, Pinkie lives here.
You think that her living within ten yards of several times her weight in sugar might explain a few things.
You spend the day baking all manner of ridiculous - yet tasty - crap. It isn't your ideal day, but it's a lot more fun than you would've expected.

Pinkie waves goodbye as you head out the door to go home. Insane hallucination of a homeless person dressed as Batman living in your bathroom and convincing you to do stupid things or no, today was a pretty good day.
The door clicks shut behind you and you decide to grab a snack and plop down on the couch for some TV.
You open the fridge and find yourself blinded by grorious, shining meats!
Batman IS real!
You gleefully tear into some chicken, silently thanking whatever deity is responsible for uniting you with the one true hero.
A weird morning led to a good day and an amazing night.
You are happy.

The next morning, you fall out of bed with almost no deathwish.
It's still morning, and it's still not possible to feel GOOD, but for the first time you can remember you're WALKING and not CRAWLING to the bathroom.
You toss open the front door to greet the day (No really, like a dumb piece of shit. You step out, breathe in some fresh air and shout about the day to nop0ny in particular.) and find the little flag dealy on your mailbox is up.
Curious, you take a look only to have more questions raised than answered.
In your mailbox is a single sheet of paper. The back is blank. The front has two large boxes, labeled "yes" and "no" with a check mark in the "yes" box.
You're about to quirk an eyebrow, but decide against it. Overquirking yourself like that isn't good for you.
You turn around to go back inside for some delicious braconfast and are startled to find Batman standing in front of your fridge.

"You have a new mission."

You say nothing and nod.

"You are to have lunch with Twilight Sparkle today."

"That's it?"

"It's more dangerous than it sounds, but less dangerous than not going."

"Uh-huh..."

"We all have our parts to play."

Well that isn't cryptic or ominous at all. Batman is lucky you're so into his meat, or else you wouldn't put up with this. No homo.

"Ohshitohshitohshit... uh... don't move?"

"I CAN SEE THEIR SOUNDS!"

"I'm sorry! I just... I wasn't... Why did you?"

"WHY IS IT ALWAYS BEES?"

"I'm sorry! Look, I'll go get Fluttershy. Maybe she can help!"

"ANON, THE SITUATION IS A LITTLE BEYOND HER RIGHT NOW! THEY AREN'T JUST IN MY EYES, THEY'RE -IN- MY EYES!"

"Medical attention, then? I can go fetch a nurse or a doctor or something."

"THEN GO DO IT."

You take off scrambling for the only hospital in P0nyville. If it means anything to anyone, you're REALLY sorry. You just meant to push her away because ew pony makeouts.
That reminds you. You have a few choice words to say to Batman, setting you up like that. Twilight thinks you like her! What the fuck, dude?

"What the fuck, dude?"

Huh? Oh. Batman's in your way. He seems... upset.

"Bees? Really? That's not how this is supposed to happen."

"How WHAT'S supposed to happen, you getting me and Twilight together?"

He gently slaps his forehead with his palm. "No, you dumbass. You giving off the ILLUSION of being with her. One slightly heartbroken pony is a price future you will be willing to pay. She wasn't supposed to get physically hurt!"

"Hold on, what the SHIT are you even talking about? Why... what POSSIBLE reason could I have at ANY point in time for needing somep0ny to think I cared about Twilight?"

"Classified information. Just, look, go get her some treatment for... is there even a term for what you did to her? Whatever. Fix it. I... can't exactly blame you. Pinkie should have been around to get those bees earlier. I just have no idea how it's even possible for her to have failed."

"Still lost!"

"Because you aren't ready yet. Just keep quiet, do as you're told, and enjoy the meat."

You glare at him, secretly hoping he can sense your hate. You need to find his meat supplier and cut out the middleman.
"Fine."

He smirks. "Good. Now as long as we don't all explode because of Pinkie's mistake, we can get back on track. Twilight needs treatment, and then you should be in the clear for a few days. Do what you will until I give you your next order."

You grumble, nod, and run off, ready to storm the hospital. You don't make it very far before you see Pinkie dragging an unconscious doctor by the stethoscope.
"Pinkie?"

"Oh, hi Anon! I know, I know, I messed up, but look! I brought a doctor and he can make everything all better! Please don't be mad at me?"

"Mad? Why would I be-?"

"Oops! Nevermind, then. It's not important. Just... Twilight's under control for now. Everything's fine. How about you go for a swim? It's a lovely day!"

"She has bees in her eyes!"

"Duh, why do you think I'm bringing the doctor?"

"Pinkie, I can't just walk away. It's my fault!"

She drops the doctor pony on the ground and looks at you. She seems... sad?
"No it's not."

"I'm the one who-"

"Things aren't always what they seem, okay? Almost none of what's going to happen is your fault, and that's why I have to help."

"Why can't anybody who isn't in agonizing, blinding pain speak clearly?"

"Adrenaline."

"That's not... you..."

She smiles. "Okay, so promise me you'll go do something fun? I told you I have Twilight taken care of."

Your head hurts. You thought maybe things here would be okay. You thought you'd adjust.
Then Batman shows up in your shower and everyp0ny starts talking nonsense all the time.
Maybe some fun is what you need. And besides, Twilight does seem pretty mad at you right now. You'd rather wait until she's calm to talk to her again and tell her you're just not into ponies.
Maybe leave off the part where even if you were, Twilight just doesn't do anything for you. She's such a dork it's actually kindof adorable, but there's just no spark.

3171067

And so things go for a time. You live in P0nyville and you mingle with ponies and you sometimes take secret missions from Batman.
You put off talking to Twilight about your little "date" and she avoids bringing it up. You consider the matter closed, and she doesn't seem to treat you any differently because of it.
She certainly never loses her enthusiasm for examining you and testing you.

You don't interact much with Fluttershy. She's... shy.
Rarity is nice to you and provides you with clothing and such, but you're convinced she's secretly disgusted by you.
Applejack is fine. A little boring sometimes, but never unpleasant.
Rainbow Dash is quickly becoming your favorite. She's a total bro.
Pinkie Pie... you prefer not to think about her too much. She's the only pony around who seems to have seen Batman, but she'll never actually mention him. Even when there's nothing even remotely related to those particular schemes (or IS there...?) she still manages to leave sense completely behind. She's crazy, but fun. But also crazy. And occasionally, very concerned about you and the events surrounding you for some reason.

After a few weeks, you start seeing less of Batman. He'll still pop up at inopportune times with "missions" for you (pretty much always indirectly involving a human/pony relationship, though thankfully never actually making you do the deed), but it's becoming a rarity.
The meat still finds its way into your fridge whenever you aren't looking, so you decide not to complain.

One morning, you awaken with... well, you've never felt anything like it before. You've had "bad feelings" before, but this is on a whole new level. Like you can actually detect the entire universe screeching at you that what's about to happen is NOT OKAY.
You try to ignore it, but you just can't.
You look out the window and see nothing out of place. You open the fridge to find meats aplenty. You head into the living room...
And stop when you see a small envelope sitting on the floor right by the door. Like someone slid it underneath.
You reach down to pick it up, and you shiver a little.
Against your better judgement, you open it and pull out the paper inside - apparently the most sinister piece of parchment in the history of creation.

On the front are five simple words. "You're invited to a party!"

Every fibre of your being is clinging to a future where you don't go to this party. Something vastly more ancient and infinitely more primal than simple fear has made certain you understand - to attend this party is to invite a fate considerably darker than death upon yourself and all that you have ever cherished.

Seriously, what the FUCK is up with that? Did you recently get hypnotized? Have you been poisoned? Did you eat spoiled food?
Do you... have gas, maybe?
Whatever it is, it doesn't matter. It's pretty fucking compelling, and so to the party you shan't go.

You turn around and take a step toward your kitchen, but between one footstep and the next you go tumbling into darkness and lose most of your motion. You can wriggle - but not much - as you bob up and down through the void. It smells faintly of potatoes in this empty place.
Probably because it's a potato bag you sack of ignorant shit? You're being abducted.
Wait, really? Shit. Where are they taking me?
If you knew that, you'd already know that!
Wait, yeah, -I- don't know, but what about you?
I'm not even a thing. Narrative voice pretending to be a character for the sake of comedy. You should probably stop talking to me before the gag gets old.
Oh. Okay.

Suddenly, you stop moving.
"Aw, turnip whiskers. Those are a thing I can use as an exclamation of exhasperation, right? Anyway, dang. Anon, are you okay? I totally forgot to find out if you were allergic to potatoes or not. I really hope you aren't or everything's gonna be super duper ruined!"

"Pinkie?"

"Ooh, you're still talking! That means you're probably not allergic because if you were your throat would swell shut and you wouldn't be able to breathe. And you can't talk if you can't breathe! I learned that one the hard way."
The bobbing motion of the burlap sack resumes.

"Pinkie, let me out of here! Kidnapping is RUDE!"

"Sorry, but I can't do that. A combo that big couldn't be wrong - you need to come to the party!"

At the mention of this for some reason incredibly dreaded party, you start sweating. "B-but you already gave me an invitation. Why the bag?"

"Duh. I could hear you hyperventilating and I knew you were nervous about it. And that's fair - you're still pretty new here and a lot of embarassing things could happen, but trust me. In the end, you won't regret it."

"As I've discussed pretty extensively with our mutual associate, FUCK future me! I don't care if I don't regret it later. I don't want to NOW! I really, really, REALLY don't want to..."
Holy shit, are you... crying? Yeah, you've got a terrible feeling about this, but come the fuck on. It's a goddamn PARTY. Why are you CRYING?
You sniffle some of the bitch-fluids back inside your face.
"Please. PLEASE, Pinkie. Don't make me go. I'm begging you..."

She stops again, plopping the bag roughly on the ground. You take the opportunity to scramble for the opening and manage to get halfway out before she stops you.
"Anon, there are three things in the world that are more important than anything else. Which of the three things makes a pony happiest is going to depend on what kind of pony they are, but it's always, ALWAYS one of the same three things, whether a pony realizes it or not."
She breathes a deep, calm breath.
"The three L's are the very foundations of bliss, and it would be wrong of me to do anything that pushes you away from them. And at this party, all three will be there in spades."

"The three L's?"

"I Pinkie Pie Promise you that future you will be infinity times happier if you go to this party than if you don't go. It may be a little uncomfortable now, but some day present you is going to come out of that coccoon and become future you."

You realize you've still got some tear streaks on your face and hastily wipe them away.
"Pinkie, I can't. I just..."

"There you two are!"
Batman comes running down the path.
"Pinkie, what the shit are you doing? I told you about the change in plans!"

"You had your turn. We're doing things my way now." She sticks out her tongue.

"You can't!"

"Listen mister, I think everp0ny knows that I know way more about Laughter than you ever will, and judging by how bad you are at this I'd say I know a lot more about Love, too. Do I need to go for all three?"

He growls and dives at her, one fist right out front. She steps to the side and he falls over. You know you were just referring to him as Batman because of the costume and for the sake of convenience, but JESUS CHRIST DUDE, IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE BATMAN AT LEAST LEARN TO THROW A FUCKING PUNCH!

He jumps to his feet and goes on the attack again, and Pinkie once again effortlessly bounces out of harm's way.
"We can't risk it! I barely managed to contain the aftermath of your fuckup with the bees."

"I already said I was sorry about that, and I got Twilight all fixed up, too!"

"But you know what happened AFTER, and this could be a thousand times worse!"

"My combos don't lie."

"I'm pretty sure your combos don't account for temporal fluctuations!"

You snap your head to face the false-Batman.
"What did you just say?"

"Aw, fuck... look what you made me do, Pinkie! We're going COMPLETELY off the goddamn rails now. We have no data on anything like this!"

"Excuse me, hello, guy whose fate you're arguing over here? WHAT THE FUCK?"

He facepalms. "Look, you need to quit being so fucking selfish, and don't let Pinkie tell you otherwise. It doesn't matter how happy you are - I'm just trying to make sure the universe doesn't END."

That... might be what the awful feeling in your stomach was relating to. If "I have a bad feeling about this" feelings are proportional to how terrible the thing is, then comparing that feeling to the feeling you got before you jumped the fence into the tiger enclosure... yeah. Universe-ending peril seems about right.
You stand and brush yourself off.
"Okay then. NOT going to that party, see you some other time."

Pinkie does some kind of tackle-hug, pinning you to the ground and flashing you the most sincere smile you've ever seen.
"Life without Laughter or Love or Lesbians isn't worth living, Anon. I swear to you in the name of all that is pastry, things will be okay. Go to the party."

Batman, blessed be he (even if not truly him), has seen fit to grace you with meat. Both he and every sense you have urge at the highest levels of logic and reason and feeling that you not go. The risk is too great.
Pinkie Pie, a pony you met fairly recently but who has always done her best to make others happy, swears to you that not going is a mistake.
This should be easy.
...
Why isn't it easy?
Brain, we good on this? Don't do it?
Stomach, I have meat back home.
Liver? Alcohol at home, too.
Dick? Porn.
Foreboding sense of doom? Stay home, right?
Everybody agrees.
...
Why isn't it easy?

Dear sweet Jesus help you, you're at the party.
Everything looks and sounds and smells and tastes like nothing's wrong, but you can't erase the feeling of a looming apocalypse.
You aren't having a very good time, shivering and sweating in the corner by the punch.
Most of the others seem to be enjoying themselves, so good for them?
Why are you even HERE? God this was the stupidest idea...
You reach for the ladle drifting around the punch bowl.
Your hand bumps into Twilight's hoof.

"Oh, hi Anon."

"H-hey Twilight. Having... having a good time?"

She shivers a little.
"To tell you the truth, not really. I feel really awful, and I don't even know why."

"Oh. Uh... what kind of awful? Like, are you sick or something?"

"No. I just... I can't explain it. It's almost as if something is deeply wrong on a cosmic scale."

You gulp. That's a good fucking sign.
"You uh, you don't say?"

Something blue catches your eye. Dash has just landed near you.
"Hey Anon! Pinkie says we're gonna play some kinda drinking game in a few minutes. You in?"

You're still sweating bullets. The world hasn't been torn asunder yet, but the feeling won't go away.
Drinking would probably help soothe your nerves.
"Sure. What about you, Twilight?"

She smiles, but it looks a bit forced.
"I'd hate to be a party pooper, and I'm pretty sure everyp0ny else will be playing. I might as well."

"Awesome! I'll go round up Fluttershy and Rarity and AJ!"
She jets off to the far corner of the room to coax yellowquiet out of hiding.

You quickly down a glass of punch, and are completely blown away by how rapidly the feeling washes away.
It's almost like you're just some guy at a party with some friends. You aren't sure what this means.
"Hey Twilight..."

"Yes?"

"Do you... suddenly feel a lot better?"

Her face scrunches up a little. "I do. How did you know?"

"I don't think it matters. I guess... I guess there's nothing to worry about. The false Batman is just a temptress of the fleshy pleasures."

Twilight gives you an accusing look.

"That, uh, came out a lot more awkward than I meant for it to. Forget I said anything. Let's just have a good time here."

She smiles and nods.

"Fillies and slightly more masculine fillies and then that one dude over there with the dong, it is time! Those of you with weak constitutions may want to just sit and watch the game unfold. We are going to play a little game I like to call OH SHIT, MY LIVER MADE ME SAY WHAT?"
She holds up a remote and a shot glass.
"We are going to watch a bad horror movie, and every time a character is killed or maimed as a direct result of something stupid they did, we are all going to drink. But wait, there's more! That would be fun, but not fun enough. With each and every drink, we will resume an ongoing game of Truth or Dare! The game is over when the movie ends. I've seen good ponies go to JAIL playing this game, and I hope for nothing less than the best from all of you! So without further ado, may I present our movie for the evening - Winter Stab-Up 5!"

The room breaks into uproarious cheers. There are a good two dozen ponies here, ready and waiting to get fablosutely shucking fit aced.
You're incredibly shocked that your sense of impending doom disappeared BEFORE this was announced and hasn't returned.

Dash jabs you in the rib.
"We can take these chumps."

It hasn't even been an hour yet, and you can no longer see straight. This movie is AWFUL.
Oh look, another pony who heard a strange noise and went to investigate. Cue needlessly gory death presented courtesy of the worst fucking acting you've ever seen in 3... 2... 1... bingo.
You slam down a shot of who even cares what anymore as the movie is paused.
The eight remaining players form a circle and your stomach does a little flip.
Shit, are you about to go down? You thought you could handle your liquor better than that...
No wait... this is something else.
Fuck, it's the doom thing! It's back.
Why is it back?
You're not sure, what with the inebriation and all, but you think it's even worse than before.
Was that break just the calm before the storm?
Your eyes shift around the room for several seconds until somep0ny coughs.

"Huhwha?"

"It's you. We're waiting. Truth or dare?"

"Oh, uh..."
Shit, fuck, shit. There's got to be a way out of this... a way to clamp your tail between your legs and run home to hide.
There's a crack of thunder outside.
Maybe you can fake an injury on a dare?
"Dare."

"Eat this. No questions."
Whoever this pony is, she's got guts.
It's some kinda faintly glowing rock. You'd guess uranium, but you don't know shit.
You take it in your hand and stare at it for a second.
This could work. You can fake diarrhea or something. These ponies don't know how whatever it is might affect your sensitive alien digestive system.
You close your eyes and choke it down.
It burns a little, but doesn't really have any taste to speak of.
You prepare to double over in mock-pain, when there's another crack of thunder and a shattering of glass.
You're knocked to the floor.

"You IDIOT!"
You look up at your assailant.

"Batman?"

"Do you realize what you've just done?"
He turns and glares at the pony who offered you the strange stone.
"And YOU. What's your game? What do you stand to gain from this?"

She smirks.
"I'm not sure it's wise to tell you."

Dash is on Batman, punching him repeatedly in the face.
"Leave Anon alone!"
Suddenly, she's ensconced in a soft glow and lifted away from her target.

"Ah, no. He'll suffer enough as his plans fall apart. Besides, we wouldn't want to hurt that pretty face. Go on, show them."

He spits at her.
"Go fuck yourself."

"Well that's not very nice, now is it..."
She's not a unicorn, but she's definitely doing magic. That's what's happening with Dash floating there struggling to get down and now with his mask slowly lifting upward to reveal...

"Anon."

What.
The.
Fuck.

He... you?
You...
He...
Batman?
Why Batman?
And... dating Twilight?
But you...
He...
Batman?

Wait.
Waitwaitwait.
Temporal anomalies.
Cryptic plans.

God DAMNIT why does every new development in your life have to be something this unbelievably retarded?
Batman is YOU from another point in time.
Probably the future.
It's always the goddamn future.

Wait.
Waitwaitwait.

FUCK.
That ASSHOLE! Always assuring you that "future you" would appreciate what he's doing.
THAT SON OF A BITCH.
Set jimmies to maximum rustle and prepare to violently rectify the situation.

Fuck future you.
Fuck him right in his fucking future.
You jump to your feet and prepare to punch yourself in the face repeatedly until you think of the best way to destroy him.

You're gripped in place by an odd glow and unable to move a muscle.
"I'm sorry, I thought I made it clear he didn't need to be harmed? You, on the other hand... well let's make that dare a little more interesting."

Your stomach feels funny.
You okay, buddy?
No. No stomach is not okay. Stomach is mad, and so is brain. Brain says you're stupid for eating that thing.
It probably wasn't uranium, but you thought it was - how stupid do you have to be to willingly consume a nugget of what you believe to be glowing radioactive ANYTHING?

PAIN. PAIN AND SUFFERING WHERE YOUR ORGANS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE.
QUICK CHECK, WHO'S STILL OKAY?
STOMACH? LIVER? BRAIN?
KIDNEY?
NO? EVERYBODY IS SCREAMING AND LIKELY ON FIRE?
FUCK

There's a strange sound approaching from the distance.
You don't actually know that, what with the screaming, but it's there.
You also don't know that most of the occupants of the room have fled, also screaming.
It's just you, the magical non-unicorn, Dash, Pinkie, and you. And that noise that you can ALMOST hear now.

There it goes. Sortof a battlecry. Pretty fucking loud if you can hear it right now.
A very satisfying and resounding *CRACK* echoes through the room and you fall to the floor.
You still ache - a LOT - but the searing waves of agony are gone.

"Anon! Are you okay? It's totally not my fault that I'm late!"

"Huh?"
You crack an eye open to see Rainbow Dash talking to you. Not you, you. Fuck that guy.

"What are you talking about?"
At least he's just as lost as you are.

"I'll explain later."

"Now hold just one bucking second here. SOMEp0ny needs to explain what's going on!"
Dash seems enraged and confused by Dash.

Wait. Dash... Dash?
GOD DAMN IT NOT THIS SHIT.

Dash stamps a hoof.
"There's no TIME! Ugh, what's that word Twilight would use... um... irony? Whatever. She'll be getting up any second - there's no way that was enough to finish her and we need to get out of here while we have the chance. I've got Anon, can you get Anon?"

You and Dash both make the same confused expression.
You look over to where the bitch magicking the shit out of you was to see a limp pony with her head at a VERY unnatural angle.
Is Dash sure she's not done?

Her eyes snap open.

Horrible doom sensation is back. Is everybody ready to leave? You're ready to leave.
Let's leave.
Please?

The horrible bitch's head snaps back into place and she stands up.
She glares at Dash.
"Well now that's not very nice."

Pinkie? What are you doing walking up to that thing?
She presses her nose up against the other pony and narrows her eyes.
"You aren't going to win, you know. The three-"

Pinkie glows and is thrown against the wall.
"Save your breath. You'll need it to let everyp0ny know how bad this is about to hurt."
Pinkie is lifted high into the air.
A broomhandle is snapped, leaving jagged wooden splinters exposed, and stood beneath her.
"And so laughter falls."

Dash and Dash both try to dash off and save her, but are held fast with more bullshit OP magic.

Pinkie smiles.
"I already told you. You aren't going to win."
The glow around her dissipates, and she begins to fall.
"You aren't even a lesbian."
Just before impact, Pinkie vanishes into thin air.

You, Dash, you, Dash, and the horrible witch are all stunned into several seconds of silence.
What just happened? Ponies don't vanish into thin air like that!
Even magical crap like Twilight's teleportation isn't THAT abrupt. There's a spark or a flash and a little wave of energy to signal the event, but here there was nothing.
Pinkie started to fall, and just a little before she was impaled on the jagged remains of a once-proud broomstick, she ceased being.

The witch's gaze slowly drifts across the room, resting only momentarily on each of its occupants before settling on future you.
"Where did she go?"
Her voice is eerily calm.

"I wouldn't tell you if I knew."

A fire lights in her eyes and the once seemingly noble, then revealed to be alternatingly cowardly and eccentric but eventually restored to partially noble "Batman" is dragged across the floor in a pale blue cloud of energy.
He comes to a stop just a few feet from her hooves.
"Then you are of no use to me."
She smiles at you.

The unbearable agony returns in full force and your senses quickly start to blur.
After an undoubtedly short but apparently infinite stretch of suffering and screaming, your vision swims back into focus to reveal that your right arm is going straight through future you's chest.
You can briefly feel the last beat of his heart in your hand before the writhing flames encasing your limb remove the ability to sense anything but pain.

In a blink of light, she disappears.
One of the Dashes in the room screams and charges at you, pounding her hooves against you as she wails something incomprehensible to you.
She might very well be perfectly clear, but it's hard to know anything for certain.
You aren't even sure if you can detect her blows against such immense background sensation.
The fire on your arm dies, but the pain does not.
You stand, unable to find the courage or strength to move as Dash spends all her energy attacking you in vain.

The other Dash shakes herself out of her stunned stupor and moves to restrain your assailant.
She doesn't resist.
She doesn't speak.
She does cry.

You bolt upright, startled by the room you're in. The bed is soft and the light is bright.
Fluttershy rises from the seat on against the wall and steps softly to your side.
"Oh good. You're awake."

"What... what happened?"

She casts her eyes down to the floor and refuses to meet your gaze.
"A lot. We can talk about it soon."

You glance around the room a bit more, noting the distinctly hospital-like appearance of the place.

"Are you hungry?"

"Yeah... I am."

Before she can respond, a rainbow blur zips through the doorway and slams to the floor next to your bed.
"He can eat later. He's up, and I need answers. Tell AJ we're having the meeting early."

Fluttershy squeaks and backs out of the room.

Dash reaches for your arm.
"Okay Anon, let's go."
She gives it a light tug.

"Uh... where are we going?"

"To one of Celestia's private conference rooms. We need to get this junk sorted out pronto!"
She pulls your arm a little harder.

You swing your legs over the side of the bed and stand up.
You crack your neck.
"I don't get a choice?"

She moves around you, planting the top of her head firmly against your leg, and starts pushing you across the floor.
Your bare feet provide surprisingly little traction.
"Not a chance."

Apparently you're in a medical wing of Canterlot Castle.
You've never been, but the intricate tapestries are a dead giveaway.
Well that and Celestia's private conference rooms.
This can't possibly go badly.
With you cooperating and walking rather than being pushed, the two of you made it pretty across the castle grounds.
Dash noses open the door and you're greeted by the sight of Celestia herself seated at one end of a rather ornate table.
The door swings quietly closed.
You stand and gawk for only two or three seconds before grabbing a seat at random.
Dash follows you in and sits next to you.

A tense silence hangs in the air until Twilight steps into the room and takes the seat directly to Celestia's right.
"Who are we waiting for, aside from the obvious?"

"One court magician and one royal guard."
Celestia's serene smile doesn't waver.

silence reigns again for several minutes until a decrepit old unicorn stallion shuffles into the room.

You open your mouth.
"What exactly-"

Celestia closes her eyes.
"Patience, Anon."

Applejack and Fluttershy quietly file into the room and sit across from you and Dash.

Twilight nods her head at them.

A stallion in golden armor marches to the seat directly opposite Celestia.

Ten more seconds of silence pass before Celestia clears her throat.
"Shall we begin?"

No. No you shall not.
Suddenly, Pinkie Pie.
Remember the way she popped out of sight?
She just did that in reverse and is now standing on the table.
"EVERYP0NY LISTEN UP! WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY ON OUR HOOVES!"

Given the urgency with which she's speaking, and the surprising nature of her arrival, the room remains quiet, waiting for her proclamation.

"Anon here is a virgin!"

WAT.

Twilight shoots her an odd look.
"Pinkie, I'm really glad you're okay and I have a lot of questions for you but that is neither an emergency nor appropriate!"

"Au contraire madame smartypants. It is EXACTLY an emergency. The timeline is falling apart and we absotively-posolutely have to fix it before something really bad happens! If you thought Antevorta was awful before, just wait until you see her get what she wants!"

"Antewho?"

"Speaking of, we should all probably get out of here. Like, RIGHT NOW before she crashes this little party."

The guardpony jolts up.
"That psycopath is headed HERE?"

Pinkie nods vigorously.
"Yup. So, um, run?"

Celestia's eyes widen.
"I must defend the holding cell. Quick Draw, with me. Scroll, return to your quarters. Pinkie,"
She gulps, and you swear you see a bead of sweat run down her forehead.
"I entrust the safety of the others to you."

Well that makes you feel secure, now doesn't it?

As you and the mane six... err... five? Where's Rarity in all this?
Whatever. Rarity is worst pony.
As you and five equines barrel down the halls of the castle and the various secret passages within and underneath it, you manage a few wheezing questions and answers.
Twilight tells you that future Dash was contained for fear of her actions altering the timeline.
Sounds like that cat has already shit in the bag so much it was pushed out by fecal pressure.
Pinkie tells you that a descendant of yours invents time travel and so if anything there gets screwed up, everything gets wrecked.
She doesn't outright SAY it, but she heavily implies that this means you fuck a pony later.
Deep in some shame-encrusted corner of your mind, you pump your fist and whoop.
You all turn another corner in the long, crazy tunnel you most recently ran into. By now you have to be fifty miles from the damn castle. Where the hell do all these passages let out?

Twilight heaves more air into her lungs.
"So... does this mean Anon and I...?"

Pinkie seems completely unphased by all the running.
"Can't actually tell you that. All I can say is that whether he and you end up doing the eighty five degree twist or not, that little date you had was totally super important."

You briefly consider Twilight...
No you don't.
"Hey, so rather than speculate about my love life - which if I'm understanding correctly we can't actually risk confirming or denying any possibilities thereof - can we get some other answers?"

"Sure! Like what?"

"Like you. The thing where you were gonna die and then you didn't and then you materialized on the table?"

"Oh, THAT? That's easy. I'm from the future!"

Of fucking course. It's ALWAYS the goddamn future.

Before you get the chance, Twilight snaps.

"Elaborate. Now!"

Maybe you should consider her afterall...

"What more is there to say? I went back to the future right before I bought the farm and then came right back as soon as I could."

"Okay, yeah, but the future? Since WHEN?"

Pinkie's face scrunches in thought.
"I'm not very good at math, but I think the answer is technically forever? In your time, there was no Pinkie Pie. I'm an agent. A sort of "time cop", if you will, sent back to protect the timeline. Since you girls always seem to be at the center of huge disasters, we figured it'd be a good idea to station somep0ny nearby and I drew the short straw. Lucky for me size doesn't matter, because you girls are amazing!"

Twilight shakes her head.
"I can't believe what I'm hearing. I mean, that literally raises more questions than it answers!"

"Sure does! The answers are yes, yes, yes, no, maybe, no, not until Tuesday, yes, six hundred and twelve, cinammon, and I don't know."

Twilight stares straight ahead with a vacant expression and doesn't say a word.

"Oh, and also yes. My Pinkie Sense is exactly what you think it is."

Dash shoots ahead of the group and turns around to face Pinkie.
"Where exactly are we going?"

Pinkie skids to a halt.
"I dunno, I thought I was following you!"

"I was BEHIND you!"

"Yeah, I know. I kept thinking you had no idea where you were going!"

Twilight, Dash, and Applejack all facehoof as the group comes to a stop and pools back together.

"So does ANYp0ny have a plan? At all? For dealing with what's her name?"

"I don't think so. And besides, Dash, how can we plan for a threat we know next to nothing about? Pinkie, can you tell us about Antevorta?"

"What's there to tell? She's a maniacal deity that exists outside of time who doesn't like it when mortals mess with the natural order of events. I may have made a teeny-tiny oopsie with some bees a while back that got her attention, and now she wants to stamp out Anon and smooth over all the wrinkles he's made in the space-lime gymnasium. But like I said before, she's no good at Laughs or Love and I don't think she has enough of a gender to be a Lesbian."

"Okay, fine, so that's her goal. But what's ours? Haven't we already shit all over the timeline enough that the future is ruined anyway?"

"Yes. But also no. Y'see, the thing about that is HEYLOOKOVERTHERE!"

You're a gullible idiot, so you turn and look. When you look back, Pinkie's gone.
"Awesome. Would I be right if I said we're lost?"

Twilight looks around the area.
"Yes."

"Great! Fucking great! Let's just set up camp here then and wait to be destroyed by a monster from beyond time!"

Applejack finally says something. It was starting to look like she'd gone mute or something.
"Now wait jes' one second. We're the Elements of Harmony, remember? We got the strongest magic this side 'o anythang, and I'll be darned if some outdated and irrelevant diefic reference is gonna scare me! I say we set up camp and wait for her to come to us, then pow. Right on the nose."

Why is it that every time some awful suggestion comes up, you end up sliding right into it like you never even considered alternatives?
Like, the parts of your life where you'd debate the pros and cons of something and discuss alternate solutions are entirely stripped out and you just move straight from dumb idea to ITOLDYOUTHISWASADUMBIDEALOOKWHATHAPPENSNOW?
You're camping in the tunnel.
You're lying awake in your "tent" constructed out of the various fabrics Rarity was carrying.
What do you mean Rarity wasn't with you? Of course she was, don't be ridiculous.
A small rustle shakes the entrance flap to your tent and a figure enters.

"Anon? Can we talk?"

"I guess? What's up, Dash?"

"I, uh, okay... how do I say this..."

"Just do it. After all the shit that's gone down recently, I really doubt you can surprise me."

"Okay then... here goes. I think we should do it."

"Do what?"

"Um... IT."

whyboner.jpg

Hey, uh, Brain, can I get something here? Anything? No?
How about you, Dick? Do we... uh... do we want that?
Complete radio silence on all channels. The only thing you can do is sit there and drool like an idiot that forgot how to do anything but breathe.
Finally, enough neurons fire that you manage to speak.
"WAT"

Dash is blushing and fidgeting and not making eye contact.
"Look, I just... that was me back there. And you. And it looked like we... I mean, you saw how upset it made me - er, I mean me, not ME - when you... well, not YOU... UGH. Those were tears, okay? Huge, sobbing tears. Watching you die apparently did one heck of a number on me."

Are you functional enough to make a coherent response yet?
"Buh?"
... pure genius.

"And with all this crud about time junk, apparently we need to make sure certain things happen. One of which being you having a kid. I sorta don't want the universe to explode or whatever. I live there, ya know? And the sooner we can do whatever needs to be done to prevent that and stop the pairabocks from happening, the better."

Rather than try to respond again, you nod.

"So since I know you pretty well and I saw... all that back there, I'm pretty sure the answer is me and you. AJ is always too busy working the farm, Rarity wants someone more cultured than you, Twilight didn't seem to excite you much, Fluttershy would probably faint at the sight of your junk, and Pinkie is... uh, well, PINKIE. That leaves..."
She blushes harder.
"...me."

You gulp.
"I... yeah. That makes sense, I guess. I just-"

She stamps a hoof indignantly.
"Look, I'm not any more thrilled about this than you are! We just need to do what needs to be done, okay?"

You stare at her for several seconds, moving your jaw but saying nothing.
You look down at the ground, then back up.
"Alright."

She turns around and lifts her tail.
"O-okay... so, um... put it... uh... put it in."

So... not that you ever imagined this or anything, but this is not how you imagined this would go.
"Are you sure about this? You seem-"

"Look, I've never done it before, okay? So yeah, I'm kinda jittery. Just hurry up and do it before I start freaking out about how I HAVE to have sex to save the world."

Your gaze hardens. Amazingly, your dick doesn't!
"No way."

Dash trembles a little.
"I don't think we get much of a choice."

"Nop0ny said for sure it was you and me, and they damn sure didn't say it had to be right now. I'm not gonna force something on you that you're not comfortable with. If I EVER do stick my dick in a horse, it's gonna be because we both want it, not because I'm destined to."

You stir in your sleeping bag and feel your hand brush against a soft coat.
You open your eyes and see Dash curled up next to you in the faint light of the moon.
You relax into a sigh when you notice your pants are still on.
As gently as possible, you pull yourself away from her and step out of the tent and into the cool night air.
The moon is still really high up, certainly not far from where it was. You guess you just conked out for a bit and didn't actually sleep long.
You do feel strangely rested, though.

You hear a shuffling from a nearby tent.
Twilight stumbles out with a bad case of bed-mane, or whatever they call it.
"Why's it so dark?"

You shrug.
"Sun rises in the morning."

Twilight shakes some of the sleepiness out of her head.
She's still sorta mumbling.
"But it IS morning. The sun should've been up an hour ago."

That doesn't make any sense!
The only reason the sun wouldn't rise would be if something happened to Celestia.
...
Aw, fuck.

You go dashing around the campsite waking everyp0ny up.
AJ and Rarity rocket out of their cuddle and start stammering out excuses.
You never would have guessed, but you aren't surprised.

Once all of you are up and standing around your newly-roaring fire, Twilight clears her throat to proclaim something.
And then Pinkie Pie.
She is GOOD at popping up out of nowhere like that.

"Okay, so you may have noticed we have some problems."

Twilight frowns. "You think?"

Pinkie smiles and shrugs. "Sometimes."
"Anyway, so there's a bit of a situation with Celestia and Antevorta and future Dashie, but you all really need to just keep moving so she can't lock onto you and commit acts of unspeakable violence. I'm just letting you know things are SORTA under control and you don't need to panic."

Fluttershy peeks out from under her wings (where she's been hiding for a while now).
"But... what about the sun and moon? All the poor creatures will be so confused."

"Oh, no problem. I'll be handling those. My boss just cleared it a few minutes ago and I have all the power I need."
Even Pinkie isn't so far gone or so oblivious that she wouldn't realize how terrifying that sounds.
She lets a weak chuckle slip out of her as she tries to keep a straight, reassuring face up.

Fluttershy goes back to hiding.

Rarity faints.

Applejack spits "We're doomed." as deadpan as possible.

You turn and look at Dash.
You can't read her expression, but it's not fear.

"We'll be okay. I trust her."

Twilight does her best 'are you fucking serious' face.
"Really? You think PINKIE can handle it?"

Dash's face is suddenly pretty fucking serious.
"Yeah. I do. There's so much good in this world that I can't bring myself not to believe in her."

"Dash, sentiment's all well and good, but-"

"But nothing! I'm the element of loyalty, aren't I? I've been given every reason to trust those I care about. ESPECIALLY lately. If Pinkie tells me not to worry... if my FRIEND tells me things will be okay, I'll believe her."

Is Pinkie... crying?
You're not sure you've ever seen that before.
It's absolutely heartbreaking. That smile is the most genuine thing in the world and she's still got tears streaming down her face.

She chokes back a sob.
"Th...thank you, Dashie. That... that means a LOT to me right now."

Dash goes steps forward and wraps her in a gentle hug.
"No problem."

Pinkie pushes Dash off of her and wipes her eyes dry with a hoof.
"Okay. I love you all so, SO much, but right now you need to go. You've been in one place too long already, and if I'm here too it just makes it that much easier for her. So please, start moving again? It doesn't even really matter where you go. We just can't let her find you."

Twilight's ears and eyes jump up.
"How did YOU find us?"

Pinkie looks away.
"I know we were just talking about trust, but I can't tell you that. I swear I will the SECOND it's okay, but right now I can't. It'd be just as dangerous as revealing the truth about Anon's child."

Twilight closes her eyes, sighs, breathes deeply, then looks back at Pinkie.
"Okay."

You, Twilight, AJ, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Dash all set off toward the south as Pinkie disappears in a puff off smoke that almost looks like cotton candy.
None of you know where your going, how long it'll take to get there, how long you can STAY there, or even when this will all come to an end, but it's okay.
You have eachother, and that's enough to brighten your day.

Speaking of brightening...
The sun rises! It's a little jerkier than it should be, but given she's not even a unicorn, you give Pinkie MAD props for doing as well as she just did.

It's a beautiful day for a walk.
Applejack and Rarity stay close, but be sure to make some distance everytime you look back at them.
Fluttershy stays quiet.
Twilight seems lost in her own little world. She's probably trying to piece together some answers.
So what else do you do but sidle up next to Dash and make some conversation?

"'sup?"
You are the master of smalltalk.

She shrugs.
"I dunno. I guess wandering around aimlessly is probably better than everything disintigrating or whatever, but I feel like we should be doing something, y'know? There's a huge magical threat out there, and we're not doing anything to fight it! Makes me antsy."

"I wouldn't know much about that. Didn't really do any world-saving back home."

"You totally should. You'd be great at it."

You quirk an eyebrow.

"You're the perfect jerk with a heart of gold. It's like, not even possible for a story with someone like you as the main character to end badly."

You pout.
"So I'm a jerk, huh?"

"...sorry."

"Aw come on, I'm just fucking around. Yeah, I'm a jerk. I'm an asshole. I'm a dick. I'm honestly a pretty fucking abominable excuse for a human being. Just about the only thing I've got going for me is that I can belch the alphabet."

Dash gives a soft smile.
"Heh, two things. One? That's not gonna work. You and I both know you don't suck THAT bad. And two?"
She breathes in and belches out a big, long, "a."
Then rears back for a "b."

"Okay, okay, point taken. I'm 100% useless because the only skill I have, the one thing I can do that I've dedicated years of my life to perfecting, you can pull of without a day of practice."

She laughs.
"Who says I've never practiced?"

"OF COURSE! IT'S ALL SO SIMPLE!"

What's Twilight shouting about now?

"I know how that happened. You told me the whole story. You were standing on your toilet and you were hanging a clock, and you fell and you hit your head on the sink. And that's when you came up with the idea for the flux capacitor,"
Her excitement dies down.
"...which is what makes time travel possible," she says as she slumps to the ground.

"You okay, Twilight?"

"I... I don't know. Suddenly everything was so clear to me, but then the second I started trying to say anything it was like my brain was replaced with a baked potato and I just started spouting nonsense. I don't even remember what I just figured out, but I KNOW it was something we needed to know!"

"That... doesn't sound good. Any accompanying dizziness? Headaches?"

She shakes her head.
"No, nothing. I was completely fine. Just busy trying to figure out this whole mess. I had an epiphany, which isn't that unusual, but then it melted on its way down to my mouth and I swear I could even TASTE it."

"A stroke?"

"I don't think so. I guess I don't know what to think. Maybe I'm going crazy from all this nonsense?"

Hmmm...
You're not sure how. You're not sure why. Maybe you've just read too much shitty fanfiction and can see these sorts of plot twists coming, but for once you think you understand something that Twilight doesn't.
It's the stupidest thing you've EVER heard, but it's so crazy it just might make sense.
You think you know how Pinkie knows where you all are, and if you're right you can't tell Twilight.
She'd flip out and reject it because she hasn't realized it yet.
And because it is the dumbest plot-twist in human or equine history.

Okay. Hold onto your ass, this is about to get retarded.
See how Twilight is slipping away? Losing her mind a bit?
Notice how Pinkie tends to get serious when Twilight asks questions, even though neither love nor laughter are involved? You don't think she's a lesbian, either.
Before the timeline went off the rails, Pinkie knew what was going down when because she had records.
Since then, she should've lost her ability to predict what's going to happen - but she didn't. She's still able to pinpoint where you all are and what you're up to.
Pinkie's way smarter than she lets on, and Twilight is slowly becoming much crazier than she'd like to admit.
What if...
There's just no way. It's too stupid. Can't be right.

Twilight let out a sharp gasp.
"I remembered the thing I figured out that I forgot!"

Everpony stops.

"I know how we can escape! I know what to do so Antevorta can't get to us!"

Applejack's eyes lit up. "Well shoot, Twi', go on an' tell us! I'd love to git back to the farm."

She frowned. "Unfortunately, we won't be able to go back just yet. The magic's pretty complicated, but the basic idea is that we rely on the fundamental orthogonality of time and space. We know she's got time down pretty well, but she's not omnipotent."

Dash groaned. "In words we can understand, please?"

"We exploit her weak point: space. I'm going to transport us outside of our universe."

"If she can't do that, how can you?"

She smiles, but you see a light twitch in one of her eyes before her mouth opens.
"It's simple. We kill the Batman."
She blinks and shakes her head.
"What I MEANT to say was that I'm overpowered, so I can do whatever I feel like with my magic, but she can't because if the villain doesn't have limits the good guys can't win."
She blinks again.
"...What... what's happening to me?"
Some blood leaks out of her nose, and she falls to the ground.

"Dibs on Spike."

Rarity recoils in horror.
"Rainbow Dash! Our dear friend is in danger and-"

"Dibs on Aloysius! Um... if that's okay with you, that is..."

"Applejack, are you hearing this? I can't believe our friends could be so callous!"

"Hehe, sorry Rare. Dibs on the unmarked box in her closet!"

"What box?"

She winked.
"I'll show ya later."

Okay. Enough of... whatever this is.
"So, uh, guys? How do we get out of the universe now? Or... whatever. Do we just go back to running or what?"

In a blur, future Dash blasts down out of the sky and into your little circle around the unconscious mare.
She hoists her up onto her back and spreads her wings, about to fly off.

Dash holds up a hoof.
"Hang on. Yeah yeah, time something paradox blah whatever I don't GIVE A BUCK. Isn't you coming out here gonna make it way too easy for her to find us?"

She shakes her head.
"Doesn't matter. If she catches up to you, you fight. You'll PROBABLY lose, but you MIGHT not die. Twilight's triggering too early, and she hasn't been prepared yet. If she goes over the edge now, it's over."

You throw up your hands.
"Great! Is there anypony who ISN'T tied up in this knot of time shenanigans?"

"Rarity, AJ, and Fluttershy."

"Wait, really?"

She nods.
"Yeah."

"So those three are entirely pointless?"

Fluttershy cries quietly.

Future Dash looks off across the horizon.
"I'm not a time cop or whatever. I don't care about the integrity of any continucrud, especially since everything's so screwed up already. But I'm not gonna let my friend die. This is hard enough already."
Some tears slip out of her eyes.
"I've screwed up, and I've payed a high price."
She turns and stares at you.
You blink, and when you open your eyes, her face is pressed up against you, her lips locked with yours.
She breaks away.
"Don't die. Please."
She slowly flaps herself into the air, carrying Twilight on her back, when Twilight's eyes flutter open.

"Wait!"

"You're okay?"

"Yes. Err, no. Maybe! But I won't be for long if we don't get out of the universe right away! Antevorta is coming!"

"How do you know that? I only knew to come here because Pinkie said-"

"I know because my knee is pinchy!"

Present Dash slumps to the ground.
"Well that doesn't make any sense..."

Something twinkles in your eye.
"Egg-fucking-ZACTLY!"

Blank stares all around! These ponies are just GIVING them away!

"I'm an EXPERT on stupid bullshit, and I've been thinking about this for a while. There's some crap going on where I'm supposed to do sex at one of you, and there's some crazy magic anti-time witch trying to kill us for smearing diarrhea all over the timeline, and probably a bunch of other crap too, but each of those things has at least some small kernel of logic to it. They all make SOME kind of sense. But not this one, and that's why I understand! This is the whole of creation trying its best to be a colossal fuckup like me, and so I see what's happening here."
You stand tall and proud, ready to rustle the jimmies of the universe itself with the profound idiocy of the truth. This is it. This is THE ONE. There has never been anything more fucking ridiculous than what you're about to explain.
...
...
...
*suspense!*
"Twilight Sparkle is Pinkie Pie!"

"Anon, have you completely lost your mind?"

"Not yet! It gets dumber!"

"Anon, how could it possibly-"

"Wait your turn, Dash. I know your secret, too! Now where was I... oh, right. Pinkie was LYING about being a time cop! All the things she knows, she knows because she remembers them happening back when she was Twilight. We haven't disrupted the timeline at all! This is exactly what's supposed to happen. We're just closing up the stable timeloop that leads to her creation."

"Anon, I really-"

"WAIT. It gets DUMBER! The reason for making up the whole time cop thing was so Antevorta could hide in the story in a semi-plausible way. For you see, the shit-cherry on top of this shit-sundae is that Twilight Sparkle is ALSO Antevorta! Right now, her mind is fragmenting. She'll try her best to collect her rational thoughts and cast out the bubbling nonsense that is Pinkie, but it won't end well. Along with the crazy, she ends up discarding most of her positive traits and becomes a cold, calculating, murderer. She knew she wouldn't exist until sometime very soon, so she never risked interfering before then, but she's reasoned that the best and safest course for the universe is to come back to the point in time when Pinkie is first created and destroy her! She's too rational to let something as insane as Pinkie loose."

"I've heard some plum crazy stories before, Anon, but this takes ALL the cakes."

"Hang on to your hat, there, Applefucker, it gets DUMBER!"

"This? Right here and now? Where I'm shouting the most unbelievably retarded shit any sentient creature has ever come up with? This is ALSO part of the correct timeline. This incredibly fucking stupid speech is the final push Twilight needs to complete her transformation. Any second now, there's gonna be some stupid looking special effect magic and then there'll be two ponies there: Antevorta and Pinkie."

GOD FUCKING DAMN IT WHAT IS WRONG WITH... EVERYTHING?!!!?!? SURE ENOUGH, TWO FUCKING SECONDS LATER:

"You're one smart cookie, Anon!"
HEY LOOK IT'S PINKIE. Antevorta seems to be passed out, probably from the mind-blowing aneurysm this shit undoubtedly gave her.

"No I'm not! NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS SMART! This is basically what would happen if M. Night Shyamalan was GOD!"

Present Dash lets out a sigh.
"Can we just beat the tar out of Antevorta and go home? I can't deal with... whatever this is right now."

"Nopey-dopey! This is the part where I have to tell you that you're wrong about Dashie! You don't actually know her biggest secret, even though it's SUPER obvious. Ooh, and then I also have to steer the conversation away from what you THOUGHT her secret was so we never actually reveal that! Instead, I think now is probably the right time to tell you that Dashie's secretly in love with you!"

Dash looks away and blushes FURIOUSLY.

Future Dash grins sheepishly.

"Oh, and ALSO also, you're fine, so don't worry about dying in a cheap Batman costume down the road. What happened to you is probably gonna hurt worse than snorting wasabi, but you make it out alive somehow!"

You scowl.
"Why do I have to deal with something that awful?"

"I dunno. Maybe it's karma or something to balance out the pain of childbirth you cause Dashie?"

"How does that even work? We're not even CLOSE to the same species!"

"I can't spoil ALL the secrets! Don't worry about it. Just go on and start dating. It'll only be awkward for a few days. You'll both love it, and eventually Dashie here will come back in time to help me wrap up my mission and make sure all the right things happen for me to exist. Sorry I'm so selfish about it. I did my best to make sure other ponies were happy along the way, though! NOW we need to go banish my future evil twin sister to the moon so she can't stop me from existing. Then I should probably get back to the future. But don't worry, I'll visit sometimes! I love you guys WAY too much not to!"

Fluttershy shivers uncontrollably.
"S-so... that's it? We're... d-done?"

"Mhmm. We go fight the final boss and then the adventure is over!"

You narrow your eyes and stare at Pinkie.
"Wait a minute."

"Y-yeah?"
Is she... sweating?

"I assume that Antevorta takes off pretty much immediately after getting up to go set her schemes in motion, and Future Dash can just go back to the 'Mission Accomplished' banner and celebrate, but what about you?"

"Huh? I just go back with her, silly!"

"Not you, YOU! Future you - the one who's been living in the past all this time making sure things go smoothly and according to your memory - she can go back to whatever point in time she left from. I'm asking about YOU. What do YOU do in the meantime? You seem to be grown already, but you have to wait for time travel to be invented before you can go back, right?"

She chuckles and grins nervously.
"Maybe you don't give yourself enough credit, Anon. Maybe you're a smart cookie after all. I'm sorry, but that's classified information."

"And now that I think about it, why doesn't Future Dash look much different?"

Antevorta's eyes fly open.
"I can tell them."

Everyp0ny tenses, ready for a fight.

"Calm down. I know I can't fight you all right now. I have to go back before I can teach you to suffer. But I'd hate for you to be left in the dark..."
She laughs.
"Pinkie here doesn't have to wait for time travel to be invented. It already has. Twilight came up with it in her last moments before she split into the two of us."

"If it's already invented, then what's my kid important for?"

"Ah, this is the fun part. I hope when I explain you'll understand just how... unruly Pinkie is and why she must be destroyed. This is ALL her fault, you know. In a few years, three ponies will be sent back in time with the methods that only Pinkie and I know. Dash here will be sent back to exactly when she showed up to stop me, and I'll have to play along and act surprised. I can't risk changing anything before I exist."

"You can't risk changing ANYTHING! Paradoxes destroy the... reality whatever. Or something!"

She grins.
"Maybe. We've never actually SEEN a paradox occur, so who can say what happens? I have my theories, and you have yours. I just think I know a little better than you do. As proof, allow me to continue to recite the future that I can't possibly know yet. Pinkie will send herself back to a little while before Twilight Sparkle moves to Ponyville and make friends with the locals. She'll blend in and set up what needs to be set up."

"Yeah, I got it. And you'll go back to-"

"Oh, no. I'm going back much sooner. I'm going back right after I finish explaining this to you - leaving you TERRIBLY confused."

"Already there! Who's the third pony that goes back, then?"

"Your daughter, of course! She's sent back quite a few years, to long before any of these events started."

"What? WHY?"

"So that she can invent time travel, of course!"

...
No.
NO.
FUCK THIS NOISE.
YOU'RE DONE.
YOU'RE OUT OF HERE.
YOU ARE TAKING YOUR BALL AND GOING HOME BECAUSE YOU DO NOT WANT TO PLAY THIS FUCKING GAME FOR ONE SECOND LONGER.

"I'm sorry that I'm going to have to hurt you, father, but you ARE responsible for my sister and for that you must be punished."

You've seen shitty movies, watched shitty TV shows, read shitty books, and (though you may be reluctant to admit it) read shitty fanfiction. You consistently come up with the stupidest ideas anybody's ever heard. You are NOT an amateur when it comes to this sort of shit.
But you just can't.
You CAN'T.
This is where you have to draw the line.
You refuse.
You REFUSE.
You will not stand for this. You will not exist in a universe where these things are true.
You're done.
You're OUT OF HERE.
You howl and shriek unintelligible wails of despair.
Where's the nearest sharp object so you can slit your throat or wrists?
You need to exit the stage because this fuckery is NOT ACCEPTABLE ON ANY LEVEL.
Fuck it, there doesn't appear to be anything you can kill yourself with so you're just going to smash your head into the ground until you stop moving.
That ought to do it, and if it doesn't then MAYBE the brain damage will make you a vegetable.
A nice, peaceful vegetable that doesn't have to acknowledge this bullshit.
This COMPLETE, UTTER BULLSHIT.
Are the ponies around you reacting to your boiling rage? You can't tell and don't care.
You slam your face into the ground as hard as you can and everything goes black.

You open your eyes and cough.

Dash is leaning over you with a worried look on her face.
"You okay, Anon?"

"Probably not."

"I know you're never supposed to back out of a dare, but that was really stupid! You should NEVER eat something you can't identify!"

"W...what?"

"We were all pretty worried for a while. You fell over and started spazzing on the floor. I dragged you out of there and made sure you didn't hit your head or anything. After a few minutes, it looked like you just fell asleep."

"I don't... when is it?"

"Don't worry too much. I think you're probably fine. You were only out for about an hour. Nothing's really happened. We stopped playing after a dare like that. We were thinking about maybe popping in Winter Stab-Up 6. You in?"

You rub your head.
Vital note: don't FUCK with Equestrian drugs!
You sit up and breathe.

"You alright?"

"I think so. Say, Dash?"

"Yeah?"

"Kindof a weird question, but I guarantee you I'm not asking for any of the reasons you might guess."

"Whatever. Shoot."

"You don't ever want to have kids, do you?"

"What? No way!"

You breathe out, close your eyes, and smile.

Hey did you know greentext stories are actually against the rules? How about that.

Hey did you know greentext stories are actually against the rules? How about that.

"Come on, breathe! Breathe you idiot!"
Dash presses down firmly on your chest.
"This wasn't supposed to happen! I'm sorry, just start breathing already!"
She presses again and again.

Pinkie Pie comes running over a nearby hill. "The clinic's empty!"

"What? Then how are we gonna-"

"Mouth to mouth, Dashie! It's the only way!" Pinkie shouts as she gallops furiously toward the edge of the lake.

She stops breathing for just a second as her mind goes blank. She looks down at you, presses on your chest again, then leans her ear next to your mouth. She still can't hear you breathing. A few tears start to collect at the corners of her eyes. She blinks them shut, squeezing out the moisture and closing herself off from the rest of the world.
She slowly inches her lips toward yours, and just as she makes contact, there's a clicking sound and a bright flash of light.

You push her back an inch or two. Your eyes snap open and you smirk.
"Gotcha."

"And I got the incriminating evidence right here!"
Pinkie waves a polaroid in the air.

Dash stares dazedly at you for a moment before punching you hard in the shoulder.
"You JERK!"
She blasts off, making a beeline straight for Pinkie and the photo.

"Whoa!"
Pinkie twirls around and around, dodging Dash as she zips past.
"You can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread mare!"

"That doesn't make any sense!"

"I know you are, but what am I?"

While the two of them are locked in their ridiculous struggle, you get up, brush yourself off, and stroll casually in their general direction.
You have a big, shit-eating grin and a bounce in your step, but you manage not to start whistling a jaunty tune.
You come to a stop, bend down, pick up a little rectangle, and stuff it into your pocket.

Dash keeps chasing Pinkie and the decoy while you amble on home to stash the real deal somewhere safe.
Mission accomplished. Negotiation can come later, but you're sure you'll come out on top.
You step into your modest little home and slip the photo into the middle of your porn collection. Should be safe there.
You crack open a celebratory drink and sprawl out on your couch to mash away at Wolf Puncher 3: Punchocalypse.
A knock at your door grabs your attention and you drop the controller to go answer it.

"Hiya, Anon!"

"You lost Dash already?"

"Oh, don't worry about her. She'll be back super late tonight after giving up. She still won't know you have it."

You tent your fingers. "Excellent."

She clears her throat and holds out a hoof expectantly. "Ahem."

"Right, right. One second." You go to your kitchen and grab a little yellowed square of paper off the counter before heading back to the door.
You hold it out in front of you. "Here."

Pinkie licks her lips greedily as she eyes the words written on it.
"TWO sticks of butter?! That's crazy!" She rubs a hoof against her chin. "Juuust crazy enough to work, I think." She salutes you. "Pleasure doin' business with ya, boss."

"Likewise," you say as the door slides shut and Pinkie hops off into the sunset without a care in the world.
You pivot back toward the couch only to be confronted by Dash. And she looks PISSED.

"Where is it?" she asks in an eerily calm voice, tapping one hoof against your floor.

"Now now, you know I can't just give up something this valuable."

Her gaze narrows. "What are you gonna do with it?"

"That depends."

"On what?" she snaps, her voice cracking a little.

You raise an eyebrow. "Yeesh. Haven't you ever negotiated before? Never let your opponent know how badly you need what you need."

"Anon, I'm serious. That photo needs to be destroyed. Now."

You shrug. "You play with fire, you get burned. That's how it works."

She exhales slowly. "Anon, if you give me that photo, I will do literally whatEVER you ask me. No questions."

He-lloooooo. What the shit is this? You just told her that's not how you negotiate, but now you're curious. Why exactly does she need it that badly?
Hell, everypony in town already has unfounded opinions about her sexuality. How much damage could this possibly do?

"What EVER I ask?"

She nods silently.

"There has to be a limit of some sort. Like, even if you will perform any task, it can't be forever, right? You're not my eternal slave."

She closes her eyes, then takes in a shaky breath. When her eyes open, her expression is fierce. Determined. "One day."

You squint at her for a moment. "I want it in writing."

"Fine," she spits. "We'll go have Twilight write out a whole stupid contract. I'll do whatever you ask," she pauses and glares at your smug smirk, "EXCEPT give you back the photo, from sunrise to sunset tomorrow."

"Aw, not midnight to midnight?" You throw out an exaggerated frown.

"You and I both know I'm gonna need sleep if your requests are half as dumb as I think they'll be."

You smile. "Fair enough. And at the end of the day, I give you-"

"NO!" she shouts, stomping a hoof. "You give it to me as soon as we sign that contract."

You stare at her for a few seconds. "Okay. Let's go draft that paperwork..."

Other than a quizzical stare and a raised eyebrow, Twilight didn't react. She coughed up a few pages of extra-fine legalese and you tossed Dash a sealed envelope containing the damning evidence.
For extra security, there were several clauses worked into the contract to keep everything on the level. The envelope was sealed so that it couldn't be opened until the contract expired, and there was a section detailing the punishments if either of you broke your side of things that you skipped over. It didn't matter.
That night you go to bed earlier than you've gone to bed in too many years to count. You want to make sure you're up before the first light of dawn.

Hopping out of bed with all the eagerness of a kid on Christmas morning, you took the fastest shower you've ever taken and stuffed a bowl of cereal into your face before skipping out the door.
It's dark and a little chilly.
You don't mind.
You jog out to Dash's place and stand underneath, waiting for the sun's glorious rays to usher in the best day ever.
You're vibrating with excitement.

As the very first hint of light spills over the land, Dash drops out of the sky and stands in front of you.
"Huh... I was expecting to have to wake you up. Whatever. First order of business!"

Dash cringes.

"Why'd you need the photo so bad?"

"Oh COME ON! You read the contract!"

You chuckle. "You misunderstand. I'm asking more generally. I want you to tell me as specifically as you can what you need it for without violating the contract. And I want you to figure out how specific that's gonna be, since I don't feel like testing the legal framework of the thing."

She fidgets in place. "Look, there's just... there's something in that picture that's a secret. Something that can't get out."

"But I already KNOW what you did!"

She holds up a hoof. "Not that. Something else."

Well shit, now you're even more curious. You accidentally caught something super secret on camera. You'll have to ask Pinkie if she remembers seeing anything unusual. But that can come later. First...
You drop a package on the ground. "Put this on."

She pokes it with a hoof and looks at you.

"Not the package, numbnuts, what's IN it. It's your uniform for the day."

A bead of sweat rolls down the side of her face as she opens it.
"What?" she says flatly.

"Go on. Put it on."

"Anon, I'm a little lost here..."

"Doesn't matter. You obey the contract. You put it on."

She shakes her head and reaches a hoof in.

"No! The other part first."

"You're creeping me out here," she says as she drops the odd shiny parts and reaches for the gorilla suit.
Squeezing her way into it, she then places the metallic accoutrements on.

"Now say something about 'those pesky Power Rangers'!"

"Uh... darn those pesky... Power Rangers? Foiling my plans?"

You giggle like an idiot who laughs WAY too hard at stupid, shitty references nobody is even going to get.
"Hee hee... alright then. First order of business, we're headed out on a looong flight. You may adjust your uniform around the wing-holes to make sure it doesn't interfere."

"I think we're good. Where we headed?"

"Don't you worry about that. Just start flying east. I'll let you know when you need to do anything else."
You hop onto her back and tap your heels against her sides. "Giddyup, pony."

She groans, but complies. You're enjoying the rush of the wind in your hair as you soar through the skies.
"Y'know Anon, I'm surprised. This... uh... isn't that bad. I was expecting you to put me through a lot worse."

"Don't worry. We have a long day ahead of us."
You feel her muscles tense up.

"Right... so, why exactly are we going through this?"

"I'm getting back at you. I was going to just blackmail you a little with an embarrassing picture, but you suck ASS at bargaining and I got way more than I was hoping for."

"Getting back at me for what?"

You twitch and spasm a little bit. "Put us down."

"Huh?"

"On the ground. Now."

"...Okay, sure," she says, gently landing the two of you in a wide open field.

"My plans were pletty ridiculous, but obviously not enough. If you don't even have the decency to acknowledge what you did, then I obviously need to step things up a bit."

"Anon, I have no idea what you're talking about. What did I do to you that was so horrible you were gonna blackmail me?"

You're furious. You can't even see straight anymore. "You're unbelievable! You have the BALLS to violate the code that hard and then pretend nothing happened? Where the FUCK do you get off?"

She steps back. "You're freaking me out here. I seriously don't know what you're talking about."

"I wasn't really going to make you SUFFER or anything. I was gonna have some fun at your expense. Make you do the heavy lifting and maybe get a little embarrassed during an otherwise normal-ish day out. No matter how bad you fucked up, you were still my bro, y'know? I couldn't stay mad at you. But I'm starting to think I can. I'm starting to question whether or not you're the kind of pony I even want to hang around with."

"I... what?" She starts to sniffle a bit. "What did I-"

"There you go again!" you scream, having rage-induced flashbacks to that awful night. "What the FUCK is wrong with you?"

"Anon, I," she trails off, starting to sputter out a few quiet sobs as she fails to hold back a wave of tears.

"Get up."

She cries into the dirt.

"I said GET UP. You're still under contract."

She doesn't seem to hear you. She just continues to retch deep, heaving sobs.

"Obviously you don't care too much about having everyp0ny discover your secret, because if you don't GET UP you're not going to get that photo back."

"...P-please... what did I do? I swear I don't... I don't know!"

"Still not getting up!"

"I don't CARE about the photo anymore... it doesn't matter if... if I-"

"Oh, so it's not just me, then. Good to know that you can't bring yourself to care about ANYTHING for more than a day or two. Fuck this. I'm going home."

"Anon PLEASE-"

You ignore her as you walk back to your cold, shitty little house to go stew in your own anger.
If she really doesn't remember, that just makes it even worse. That she could fail you that badly and forget it as soon as she walks away.
You thought she was cool. You thought Dash was your fucking bro.

A few days pass with you not really leaving your couch. You grumble and shout obscenities at the TV until you fall asleep because there isn't a single fucking pony here worth half a damn.
A knock at your door causes you to roll off the edge of the couch and drag yourself to the door.
You open it to see Dash standing there with an emotionless expression.

"The fuck do you want?"

She pulls out the contract and points a hoof at part of it. "Article twelve, subsection B," she says as she tosses the parchment at you.

You quickly scan down to the clause in question.
"If I fail to deliver the article in dispute, then I automatically engage in an opposite form of the same contract with no benefit for myself?"

She nods.

"So? I DID deliver. I didn't take your shitty envelope back even after you broke your end of the deal."

"No. You didn't."

She opens up the envelope and shakes it. Some porn flutters out.

Fucking FUCK. You suck so FUCKING BAD if you didn't double check to make sure you grabbed the right photo, which apparently you DIDN'T.

"So now you're mine."

"Yeah, what sick shit are you gonna make me do?"

"Relax. I just need answers."

That's... curious. And honestly, it's kinda creepy how cold and emotionless her face and voice are.

"I need you to tell me what I did."

You glare at her.

The wall starts to crack a little, and you can see some sadness leaking through. "What did I do to make you hate me?"

FEELINGS FUCKING SUCK. You're so ANGRY at her for failing you, and so much MORE furious that she's clueless about it, but...
The only reason she broke a slave contract was because she was emotionally devastated to the point she couldn't stand.
And now that she's in position to get you, now that YOU are HER slave, all she can bring herself to do is ask a question like she wants to make things up to you?
If she cares about you, then WHY DIDN'T SHE SHOW UP? Why did she SLEEP THROUGH your only chance?
You needed her and she wasn't there for you after she SWORE she would be!
How can you forgive that?
Why do you WANT to?

Her eyes get a little misty. "Anon, please..."

GOD FUCKING DAMN IT WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE A HEARTLESS ASSHOLE? EVERYTHING WOULD BE SO MUCH FUCKING EASIER.
You see her choke back a sob.
You breathe deeply, in and out, trying to steady yourself.

"...please."

"You... you left me hanging. Twilight found a way to get me home, but there was only one chance. A once in a lifetime coincidence that would've taken me back. I needed you to fly me there. You AGREED. Don't you remember at all? How could you COMPLETELY FUCKING FORGET not only that you had somewhere to be so you could just keep sleeping like a useless lump, but then FORGET THAT YOU FORGOT? You never even came to me to APOLOGIZE! I'm stuck here FOREVER now because of YOU. THAT'S what you did. Remember now?"

Her lip quivers. Her eyes shimmer with a fresh, moist sheen as a new well of tears breaks ground.
"I didn't agree to take you..."

"Yes you did! I asked if you could take me so I could go home, and you said you could!"

She shakes her head. "No, I would never... I said I couldn't let you be trapped away from where you belonged!"

"Yeah! That kinda implies you're willing to help!"

"I... you misunderstood! I shook my head no and... didn't you see the look on my face? I did the most selfish thing I could've! I didn't... you belong HERE, Anon. I wasn't going to take you back no matter how bad you wanted it because I was too selfish to lose you!"

"What? Then why... why didn't?-"

"I thought you... I thought you would get help from somepony else. When you were still here the next day, I assumed you changed your mind. That's why I was... that's why we ALL were so happy to see you! You didn't say anything!"

"Why wouldn't I want to go home?!"

Dash looks away and closes her eyes. "I thought maybe... I thought maybe things were better for you here. You never sounded very happy talking about your world..."

"But I don't BELONG here!"

She blinks away most of the moisture in her eyes. "Why NOT, huh? What's so bad about Equestria that you'd prefer to go back to a world where you had no family? No friends?"

...Don't you fucking do it.
You're in the right here. You can't break down now.
YOU FIGHT THOSE FUCKING TEARS.

"Was I wrong? Were you happier there than you are here?"

"No, but I... I don't know I just can't... I'm alone. I'm the ONLY human."

"Anon, look at me. You're NOT alone. You've NEVER BEEN alone. Every single pony you've met cares about you."
She lets out a long, heavy sigh.
"Go get the picture."

"What?"

"Please. It's... it's important."

You shuffle down the hall and let some of the tears you've been fighting slip out. You can dry your face before you go back.
You dig through the smut to find a photo that looks like Dash making out with you on a beach.
You pick it up, wipe your eyes on your sleeve, and walk back to her.

"What do you think my secret is, huh? What can you see in this photo that I would want to hide? What became pointless after... the incident the other day?"

You don't say anything.

"...I was terrified, you know. EVERYTHING else aside, that was not a cool setup to get blackmail material. I really thought I was going to lose you. Look at me in that picture. Look real close."

You squint and try to see through your increasingly tear-blurred vision what she's going on about.

"I was crying, Anon. Just like the other day. Just like I was the morning you thought I was sleeping in." She sniffles. "I wasn't. I was lying in bed crying my eyes out because I thought... I thought I would never see you again."

"Why? Why would you care? Don't you realize how badly I suck? How much of an asshole I am? Don't you remember what I just did to you?"
Fuck it. Holding back now hurts so much more than admitting you can cry. Just let it happen.
"Ponies are so... so GOOD. So kind and pure. People aren't like that. People suck. A lot. They do and say horrible, terrible things. People don't belong in Equestria where they can hurt ponies who don't deserve it. I didn't want to go home because I wasn't happy."
Your face is soaking wet and every other word is heaved out of your throat with all the delicacy of a bull in a china shop.
"I wanted to go home so all of YOU could be happy. I... don't belong."

Dash labors through a few uneven breaths before getting right next to you.
"I told you I was being selfish, but I'm not sure that's true anymore. Maybe you being here isn't good for Equestria, but it makes you happy, doesn't it? That's what I want. I want you to be happy, Anon."
Her face inches in toward yours.

"Why should MY happiness matter against countless ponies?"

"If you really, REALLY can't get through like that, then maybe it'll help you to think about it a different way. You want ponies to be happy?"

You nod.

"You want ME to be happy?"

You try to speak, but can't find any words.

"You're under still under contract for breaking your end of the deal. I'm gonna give you an order now. You can't refuse."
Her lips press up against yours for several seconds.
The world disappears. There's nothing but you and her.
She pulls away and the world comes flooding back to you.

The faintest hint of a smile appears on your face under a layer of tears.

You dumb bastard

The sun streams in through a window and you toss a pillow over your face.
You sigh contentedly.
And then your cell phone alarm goes off. Even after all this time, you still haven't chucked your worthless brick of a phone or bought a real alarm clock or flashlight.
You grumble and reach over to shut it off, fumbling for the right buttons and knocking it to the floor. The sound stops.
Shit.
You roll out of bed and drop to the floor to inspect the damage.
The thing still looks functional. Displaying the time like a boss, responding to buttons,
...having two bars of signal?

The fuck?

Thinking it must be a mistake, you try to make a call.
It doesn't go through.
You try to send a text, and it doesn't go through.
You crack open the ancient and decrepit web browser, and google loads.
You immediately dive for your email to let people know you're alive, sweating profusely at the implications of cross-world communication and how famous you'll be.
It fails to load.
You check wikipedia.
It's good!
You scramble for a high-visibility page and edit in your plea for help, but are swiftly deleted as vandalism.
You try for Facebook, but it fails.
You pause for a moment.
4chan.org
...
...
Success.

Fucking.
Jackpot.

Temporarily forgoing the sane options, you snap a picture of the view from your window and hop over to /mlp/.
You post the image, along with "U jelly?" and smirk to yourself.
Congratulations. You are the cleverest and the best.
You decide to make actual contact later, after you've planned out how to get rich off of this.
For now, you'll just futz around here and there while you get your ducks in a row.
You slip the phone into your pocket and head to Sugarcube Corner for some celebratory breakfast pastries.
When you sit down at your table, you pull the phone out to snap a picture of your retardedly delicious food.

Your thread is full of responses about having seen a few pixels.
You shrug and post anew, this time jamming an upturned thumb into the shot.
You proceed to devour the goods with great haste, then get up to go see what Dash is up to.

She doesn't seem to be around.
Lame.
You snap some more pictures around town and even get a few ponies to take shots for you, posing triumphantly in a variety of locations.

Every last image is shot down as "fake and gay".

Shit, this might be harder than you thought.

Two weeks later...

You've given up. You're relatively happy here, and 4chan is full of assholes, and wikipedia is full of anal fuckwits, and you're pretty sure the entire internet is just terrible.
You're in the park tossing a ball back and forth with Dash.
She throws a long one and you run for it, but you smack into a tree.
You fall over and rub your head.

Dash is already there, lending a hoof to help you up.
She makes a confused face and looks down at your phone.
A picture of Applejack's apple stall is showing.
"What's this?"

"Oh, nothing. Just trying to convince some assholes I'm in Equestria."

"And they don't believe the pictures?"

"Nope."

"...Huh."
She carefully nudges the buttons with the edge of a hoof, trying to navigate somewhere, and winds up in an AiE thread.
Her eyes scan the page for a minute.
"Mind if I borrow this?"

You give an exaggerated groan.
"But then how will I wake up in the morning?"

She rolls her eyes at you.

You stick out your tongue.

"So can I?"

"Sure, I guess."

Two weeks later...

"So Anon, have you seen these AiE threads?"

"Yeah, what about 'em? There's some shitty wish fulfillment, a few grand epics, and way too much clop."

"I kinda like some of this junk. The idea that FLUTTERSHY, of all ponies, could actually be that aggressive... it's hilarious!"

"Really? Huh. I dunno, I never really got into any of that. If you say there's some good stuff in there, maybe I'll have to try. Which authors don't suck?"

She names a few and hands you the phone.
Wow, look at that. Pastebin works, and so do the archives.
Convenient.

You put it in your pocket and go about your day.
That night, you push the cheap alarm clock you bought off of your bedside table and lovingly return your phone to its rightful place.
You roll over to go to sleep, but pause.
You decide to read a few of these supposedly good stories.

You're surprised to find there's actually some decent stuff here.
Most of the authors Dash recommended are pretty talented.
But then you get to one of them that really rubs you the wrong way.
Rustles your jimmies, you might say.

Every story is the same damn thing.
Dash has obvious romantic feelings for Anon, Anon's a stupid piece of shit, Dash eventually confesses, they make out, fade to black, cue credits.
It's always SO BLATANT that nobody could possibly be as blind and stupid as Anon.
You grumble a few more times, read something by a different author to cleanse your palate, and go to bed.

You and Dash meet up in town, and Dash looks anxious about something.
"So Anon, did you get a chance to read any of those stories?"

"Yeah, I read quite a few, actually."

She's starting to sweat a little.
"Did you like any of them?"

You nod.
"Surprisingly, yeah. Almost all of 'em."

She looks excited.
"Really?"

"Pretty much everything except for one particular author. I don't know what you see in their work."

Her ears droop.
"Oh... which one?"

You pull out the phone and proceed to give her a lecture on why those stories are bad and the author should feel bad.

She looks like she's got something in her eye and she hastily makes an excuse to be somewhere else.
She flies off.

The next day, she seems down.
You try to strike up conversation, but she seems mostly lost in thought.
Occasionally, you hear her mumble some part of what you said the other day.

Eventually, Twilight finds out about your wonderphone and you lose it temporarily. Again.
You frown as you shove the alarm clock back into place.

A few days after that, Twilight gathers the whole town with exciting news.
She's managed to reproduce the internet connectivity of your phone in a convenient form that can be distributed to everyp0ny.
The internet is PROBABLY going to destroy Equestria, but at least it'll be a hoot to watch.

You keep an eye on /mlp/ and watch the ensuing shitstorm.
The AiE thread is surprisingly quiet, but you do notice a few posts by that really shitty author.
Somehow, they're getting even shittier.
The Anon becomes ten times as oblivious, and you actually start compulsively hate-reading these stories, hoping he dies.
Preferably in a fire.

How could he do that to Dash? She's awesome!
You'd never do that.
You'd like to say you'd never fuck a pony either, but hey - when in Rome...

You start responding to these stories telling the author, in no uncertain terms, that they are a steaming pile of dicks and dead babies.
The author calls you stupid.
Not even cleverly, either. Just flat "stupid" with no decoration.
What a piece of shit.

Oh look, another shitty story.
This time it's about... huh.
It's at least a unique premise.
It's about an Anon who gets his internet back.
And then Dash learns about AiE and starts secretly writing them, hoping that'll do the trick, but gog dizzamn this Anon is thickheaded.

Let that sink in for a minute.
You really are pretty freakin' thick, you know that?
...

Yes Anon, I'm talking to you.

Christopher Walken's Ass

Day likeigiveafuck in Equestria
Coming home from a sick party at Pinkie's.
That mare knows what is UP.
You get to your house and reach for your key...

Shit.
Chances are good the key's back at Pinkie's place, so you aren't too worried about other ponies getting in.
The problem is YOU.
Your bed is in there.
And food.
And... probably other important shit.
Don't you keep a spare key under one of the rocks near your door?
Which rock?
You check under a bunch of 'em, but don't find anything.
Where IS that spare?
You're running out of rocks.
...
Great. Now it's raining.
WHERE IN CHRISTOPHER WALKEN'S ASS IS THAT DAMNED KEY?

"Anon? What are you doing out here this late?"

It's Twilight! Quick, make a snappy retort to prove how witty you are!
"You're fat."
... right then. Good job. Gold star for you.

She giggles.
"Always the charmer, eh Anon? But really, it's cold and dark and it's starting to rain. Why are you standing around outside?"

You frown and mumble.

"Didn't quite catch that."

You continue to mumble, not wanting to just admit you can't find them.
"Can't... keys... Walken's ass..."

Twilight smiles awkwardly.
"Right then. Since you seem to be having some, er, difficulties with your door, would you like to stay at the library tonight?"

Right on, book horse. You's... you's an okay horse. Not best horse, but good horse.
Not like fashion horse or apple horse.
Wait... no. PONY. Not horse.
Shut up, you're not drunk.
"Uh, sure. It's not... it's not raining in the library, is it?"

She just stares at you for a second before sighing and shaking her head.
"No, Anon. It's not raining in the library."

You knock over the beaker.
Again.

Twilight shoos you away from the table.
"Anon, really. I appreciate the sudden interest in science, but you're not really coordinated enough to be handling this sort of equipment right now. If you REALLY can't wait, how about you just try some thought experiments instead?"

You stare up at the ceiling for a second before the very, very dim lightbulb appears.
"Why do they call her Applejack if she doesn't taste like apples?"
Congratulations. You just made a reference that only you would understand. Ponies don't even HAVE TV.
You must be so proud of yourself.

Twilight rambles for a few minutes about things being named for reasons other than their physical properties.
You zone out until she turns to face you again.
"And besides, she DOES taste like apples!"

You stare at her as your jaw drops.

She blushes intensely.
"HEY! Let's get you some more drinks! You enjoy your alcohol and I don't have to worry about you remembering that in the morning! Everyone wins!"

Yourfacewhenyou'reokaywiththis.mp4
"You're still not best pony, but goddamn you are trying."

"What?"

"Nothing. Let's go get me some booze."

"Eh heh... right. I don't have any on hand, but allow me to further demonstrate the power of science for you."
Her horn glows and a bunch of tubes and liquids and shit start floating toward the table.
You stare in awe as Twilight makes like Jesus and boozes up some shitty non-alcoholic liquids.
Now you're hungry for fish.

You knock over the beaker.
Again.

"Anon, you're drunk. You can't do science when you're drunk. That's a recipe for... disassster."

Whoa. She's a little wobbly, and some of her words are a bit slurred.
She had like... one, two, three... she only had like FIVE drinks. Friggin' lightweight.
You're pretty glad you convinced her, though, because now that she's a bit more uninhibited she's busting out the MAD experimental shit, yo.
Like, fire is involved now. She's like a drunker and more awesome version of that one chemistry teacher you had who was always slightly unhinged.
Also, she's way cuter.
...
Wait, what?

"Wait!"
She hiccups.
"I know what we gotta do, Anon! It's an experiment I've been shaving for a while now because my friends were too CHICKEN to risk some minor molecular disruption."

"That."
"Sounds."
"AWESOME."

"Come on, follow me to the basement!"
She gallops over toward the stairs and trips on the first one.
She stumbles and flails all the way down.

You carefully shimmy down one step at a time, 'cuz no way in shit can you be trusted to make it down a full flight of stairs walking normal-like right now.
Twilight's tangled up in some boxes, wiggling around.
You grab one of her hooves that's sticking out and pull.
Nothing happens. She's stuck.
You pull harder and she pops loose.
The two of you fly back and crash into the wall.
Twilight's sitting in your lap facing away from you.
And her backside is starting to look pretty good from where you're sitting.
You know. Right under it.

She jumps up and runs over to a pair of huge glass cylinders.
She turns around and motions at them.
"THIS, is my latest and greatest untested experiment!"

You blink.

"It's a short-range teleporter!"

"Can't you already do that?"

She coughs.
"Well, yes. But this is a machine that reproduces a teleportation spell, without the aid of a unicorn!"

"Cool?"

She looks mad.
"Yes, Anon. Cool."

"Alright, so it's cool. WhaddoIgoddado?"

She rolls her eyes, walks back over to you and pushes you toward one of the cylinders.
"You're going to test it for me."

"Ooooh."
You stare at the contraption.
It looks kinda... ominous.
You gulp.

She shoves you into the chamber and hits some buttons.
There's a bright flash of light, and suddenly you're in the other tube.
Well.
That wasn't so bad at all.

Twilight's eyes go wide.
"It worked!"
She's doing that thing where she hops around in circles saying yes over and over again.
You wonder when she'll stop.
You wonder for a while while she continues to not stop.
You push open the glass and take a step forward.

She stops dead in her tracks.
"Where do you think you're going?"

You shrug.

"Get back in the tube. There's one more test, and it's very important."

Huh. Why did you shudder a little at the thought?
And why is Twilight getting into the other tube?
And isn't this an overused and stupid setup, with obviously horrifying results waiting to happen?
You open your mouth to protest, but she's already hit the button.
There's a bright flash of light.

You instinctively start to feel yourself up, making sure you're in one piece. Your hands seem to be working, and your face is where it should be.
You're standing on two legs, as well.
You breathe a sigh of relief and relax.
The only ill effect you detect is that you are thirsty.
You make a note to drink more in the near future.
You also take a look out through the glass to see that you didn't actually teleport. You're still in the same tube you were before.

Twilight is already pacing around the basement, thinking out loud.
Lots of big science words coming out of her in low mumbles. Not much you understand.

"Twilight?"

She shakes her head and snaps out of it.
"Sorry, Anon. I'm just wondering what the hay happened. It should've worked!"

Suddenly, you have a brilliant idea.
"Maybe you can figure it out if you drink more!"

She should've facehoofed. She really should've.
But she must have had just a little too much to drink already.
Because she's smiling and nodding in agreement.

You don't complain.
Drunk science is best science.

You clamber up the stairs with Twilight just behind you.
You stumble toward the table.

Twilight slides into place on the other side.

You knock over the beaker.
Again.

Twilight laughs it off and the two of you proceed to get titty much protally fitshaced.

You slink off to the bathroom to piss, and you let out an ear-piercing shriek.
Whether because you were drunk or because you were paying too much attention to science or even just because you're an unobservant piece of shit, you hadn't noticed.
You do now.
You bet you know what happened on the other end, too.
And since she came up the stairs BEHIND you and was mostly concealed by the table...
It's just stupid enough to make sense.
That... is not your genitalia. But you're pretty sure you can tell whose it is.

"Twilight?" you shout, still standing in front of the toilet staring down at the abomination in your pants.

There's no response.

"Twilight, can you check yourself out in a mirror or something? I think the teleport went wronger than we thought."

You hear faint rustling.
Then a beaker falling over.

You zip up your pants and peek your head out the door.
You catch a glimpse of Twilight's tail fluttering behind her as she bolts out the door.
You think you see juuuust a hint of a color that doesn't belong.
You make for the nearest window.
She's running toward Sweet Apple Acres.
You make a mental note not to go drinking with Twilight anymore.

tl;dr - not actually funny

Stardate 41254.7...
At least, you think so. Anon never told you if you'd correctly figured out the wacky system he was using, and he just kept snickering at you everytime you came to him with a new theory.
He's so inscrutable, and yet... fascinating.
OOH! There he is!
You crouch low in the bush and slide your binoculars forward until the lenses just BARELY peek through the leaves.
He's walking out the door... taking a left...
Oh, Luna poop.
He's just going grocery shopping.
Well, at least that gives you some time to get something else done before you need to return to surveillance duty.
You turn around and find your muzzle brushing against Pinkie's mane.
"Gah!"

"Wee! Wait, was that a happy surprise or a scared surprise?"

"Pinkie, what are you DOING here?"

"Well I saw you wiggling around in this bush, so I decided to come over to see what you were up to and then I noticed you were trying to be sneaky and stealthy, so I ducked down against the ground. Then you turned around and I sprang back up and here we are!"

You drag a hoof down your face.
Of COURSE that's her answer.

"So why are you spying on Anon?"

"Wha? I-I'm not SPYING on him! I'm... I'm researching!"

"I dunno, you're hiding in a bush outside his house with a pair of binoculars. Sounds like spying to me. And not the cool kind like Sean Connery's James Bond would do. The creepy, stalky kind that perverts do."
She gasps.
"Twilight! Are you a pervert? Have I been missing out all this time? Quick, lick my ass once for yes and twice for no!"

WAT

"Hurry! It ain't gonna lick itself!"

Brain.exe is not responding.
If you close the program, you might lose information.
-> Close the program
-> Wait for the program to respond

"Dang, and I thought that might work. Oh well!"
Pinkie starts humming a tune and bouncing away just as your thought processes come back online.
You don't notice, but your tongue makes one tiny upward flick.
Right. Time. Stuff. Do.
Anon won't be back for a bit, so this is supposed to be your chance to get something productive done.
Something like... like...
Eh, you'll come up with something. You trot out of the bush.

You're now hiding in an alleyway, watching Anon shop.
Shutup.
He gets a bunch of predictable essentials like apples, but he also accepts some strange packages wrapped in plain brown paper from a few very shady looking ponies.
You make a mental note to investigate those ponies and their wares later.
When he finishes, he heads straight home to put away his groceries and things.
You wait patiently in the bush for a few minutes before he comes back outside at about three P.M.
He's... standing. Looking around.
Ooh, wait, he's doing something with his hand.
He's bringing it up near his face, and now he's... curling up all of his fingers except one.
And he's putting that finger in his nose.
Now he's moving it around.
What purpose does THIS ritual serve?
Is it some kind of primitive rain-making dance?
Maybe it's supposed to bring good luck?

Suddenly, Dash thunders down out of the sky and slams into Anon.
The two of them go skidding across the ground for a good twenty feet.
It looked painful.

"You motherfucker! You planned that one!"

"So what if I did, huh? Not my fault you suck at dodging."

"Alright alright. I'll just have to get you back later. Everything still on?"

"Yup. Got the rollerskates and the net, we just need to go borrow the llama."

"Let's rock, bro!"

Anon makes a fist, then bumps it against Rainbow's hoof before the two of them disappear over the horizon.
You've seen them do that a lot.
They also call eachother "bro" a lot.
Anon usually seems happy about it, but sometimes Dash grimaces a little.
It's probably just a difficult concept for her to understand.
Afterall, if even YOU can't grasp what "bro" really means, how could she?

You pop back to the library to plan your next move.
They're going to be mobile with those skates, so a bush won't do.
You'll need to pull something a little trickier to keep an eye out.

Tonight's to-do list calls for a memory wipe.
You can't trust yourself not to turn Anon in for that.
But for all you know, that's perfectly normal in his culture and he doesn't think he's done anything wrong!
It's better this way.
*cheesey starwipe effect*
"Huh? Where am I?"
You blink and glance around the room before your eyes settle on a chalkboard.
You turn to a nearby blackboard and make another mark. This is, apparently, your seventeenth wipe.
You look back at your latest wipe notes.

Don't ask about the word "brony".
Don't look in his refrigerator.
Ignore llama related activities.

Well then. It's kinda late, but Anon is a bit of a night owl, so you decide to get a little more data.
You sneak over to one of Anon's windows and plop down underneath it.
A system of mirrors levitates into place, letting you see in without exposing yourself.
The wind blows. It's a little cold.
Anon seems to be watching a movie.
It's another one of the movies from his world that Pinkie somehow gave him.
You think you remember this one.
The lead actor's name was... Spruce? No, that's not right...
Whatever his name was, he apparently had some difficulty with the concept of death.
One can be dead, or one can be alive, and the transition is pretty universally the same thing: death.
At the end of a life, you die.
You're really not sure how you can do so with any degree more or less softness.
Adding a vengeance makes SOME sense, but it's hard to figure out how vengeance would be carried out after death.
Maybe humans believe in ghosts?

Oh, it looks like the movie is over.
Anon is getting up... taking the reflective disk out of the combination laser emitter/detector... and putting another one in.
A double feature, then?

Huh... those humans don't look anything like Anon.
And they're naked.
Using your EXPERT (read: incredibly limited) knowledge of anatomy, you determine they're female.
IS Anon... removing his pants?
Oh, wow! This is a new find!
What kind of ritual requires nudity? His people seem to be pretty strictly against it, for the most part.
He had a really hard time adjusting to ponies being naked around him all the time.
His face was always really red and he was sweaty a lot.
Yeah, sweaty like he's starting to look now!

What the hay is he doing NOW?
And why is it so warm out here?
You fan yourself a little, and lose your concentration on the mirrors.
One of them falls and shatters.

Anon grabs his pants, jumps up, puts them on, and runs to the window.
He throws it open and sticks his head out.
"Who's out there? Show yourself! I swear to god, if that's you Fluttershy..."

A "meep" comes out of a nearby tree and you see a quick streak of yellow fly away.

"NOT MY FETISH!" he yells, leaning out the window.
He leans a little too far and comes tumbling out, landing on you.
"...Twilight? What the shit are you doing out here?"

"Oh, um, you see... that is..."

"Actually, hmmm... she just left, and Pinkie tells me you're great at keeping secrets..."
He looks around with shifty eyes.

"Well, now, yeah. I can't risk blabbing a secret because Pinkie could accidentally destroy reality trying to warp to me. The laws of physics weren't made to bend that way."

"Okay, you know what I heard? Blah blah queen of books bluh bluh don't care. Listen, I have a proposition for you."

"I'm listening."

"There's something I've been... curious about for a while, and it's high time I went ahead and gave it a shot. I think it'll be a real learning experience for the both of us. You just have to promise not to tell anyp0ny, okay?"

"Sure!"

Anon grins and you shudder a little. He walks you to the door and ushers you inside.

You rub at your head and look around.
You see the chalkboard.
You shake your head, make another mark, and glance at your notes.

YOUR NAME IS NOT HARRY
YOU ARE NOT A WIZARD
ANON IS NOT ALLOWED NEAR ALOYSIUS

Cooking is so fun. Cooking is so fun.

Cooking is so fun. Cooking is so fun.

Day OHGODTHISISABADIDEA in Equestria
Through a series of terrible deals, you've wound up with a duty you are WHOLLY unsuited for. Today, you must babysit (foalsit?) Sweetie Belle. Her little friends are both out of town, and her Rarity is a conniving bitch.
Hopefully some spaghetti makes everything better.
You just have to finish peeing here first and then-

*CRASH*

...of course.
ALL she had to do was boil some water.
All YOU had to do was go piss and come right back.
Somehow in those thirty seconds, she fucked it up.
You swear, she's got a legitimate learning disability or something. There's... kids aren't THAT dumb, right? That's not normal?
Distracted by panicked thoughts of the damage that might already be done, you hurriedly zip up and-

SON OF SIX-AND-A-HALF-ASSES, that HURTS!
What the fuck do they make zippers out of here? This is the eighth time this has happened, and it never ceases to surprise you how much of a deathtrap these things are.

Wincing, you stumble down the hall and into the kitchen.
You find Sweetie on the floor, covered in a thin coating of some sort of slime. Kitchenware is strewn haphazardly about the floor.
She looks up at you and sniffles.

She may be as sharp as a sack of wet mice, but it's pretty hard to be mad at something that adorable.
You sigh softly, smile gently, and run your hand through her mane.
"You okay?"

She nods and sniffles again.

"Can you tell me what happened?"

She bites her lip for a moment.
"Promise you won't get mad?"

That... might be a bad idea.
You glance around the kitchen again.
Nothing's outright BROKEN...
...
"Sure."

She blinks and breaks eye contact.
"I put the noodles in the water," she mumbles toward the floor.

Oh. Well shit, that's not so bad. The water was boiling or almost boiling (or not, she is pretty thick) and she tried to be helpful by taking the next step. Obviously she had an accident and everything went clattering to the floor.
Yeah, stool she probably stood on over there...
Puddles of water there and there...
...but where are the noodles?
"Sweetie..."

She looks back up at you, eyes quivering.
"Remember, you promised you wouldn't get mad."

You breathe in, and out.
"I know."

She turns her gaze over toward the open window.
"The noodles ran away."

You chuckle a bit.
Okay, so the physics of launching the water THIS way and the noodles THAT way are a bit inscrutable, but hey, that's pretty innocuous!
You lean out the window and look around outside.
"I don't see them."
A tugging sensation pulls on one of the legs of your pants and you spin back around.

"They're not there. They ran away."

"What, uh, what exactly do you mean?"

Her brow furrows and her cheeks flush.
"Exactly what I said!" she squeaks. "They ran away!"

"Sweetie, listen, noodles don't do things on their own. They can only do what you make them do. Understand?"

Gee, what's this awkward silence and feeling of impending doom doing here? You swear you left one of those things with Fluttershy and the other with Pinkie Pie.

A scream rips through the air.
You turn and see Cheerilee staring at you.
Y'know, next to a slightly sticky Sweetie Belle.
Telling her about the nature of noodles.
A quick glance down tells you you're still partially caught in your zipper and were only unaware because the intense, soul-consuming suffering localized to your genitals numbed your nethers to any sensation but white-hot pain.
So, that happened.
The next two minutes are dead-quiet and seem to stretch far beyond eternity's grasp.

And then Cheerilee BOLTS. Probably in the direction of the police.
You immediately break into a sprint, chasing instintively after her, not entirely sure what to do but 110% convinced you don't want to go to jail for molesting children.
You make it out the door before you hear another scream, rounding the corner just in time to crash crotch-first into Cheerilee's face as she runs back the way she came.
You fall over backwards, and she falls into you.
You almost manage to form a complete thought before you notice what just scared the shit out your would-be accuser.

There's a giant heap of spaghetti noodles.
Wobbling down the road.
Alternating between dull squelching noises and low moans.

It's also pulsing faintly. Like a heartbeat.
And glowing. Don't forget the glowing. It's a little hard to make out in the bright, midday sun, but it's definitely glowing.

Cheerilee's head whips back and forth between you and the noodles before she realizes where her mouth is and the state of your pants.
She jerks back a foot or two, then blinks at you.
"You... noodles? Cooking. Sweetie?"

You nod.

"Why pants?"

The language processing center of her brain comes back online just after that and she rockets off into a string of sentences that probably have meaning.
Unfortunately, YOUR brain is still stalled out and can't quite keep up.
You just nod a bunch more.

"Well that settles it, then! I'll see you at the lake, 'kay?"

"Wait, what?" you ask, but it's too late. She's already gone.
You stumble back toward the Carousel Boutique, adjusting your pants along the way.
As you step inside, Sweetie rushes over to you.

"I told you! I promise not to try to cook anything without supervision again, but I want grownups to listen to me! I think I even know what went wrong!"

"Really? You think you know how some pasta became animated and presumably sentient?"

She nods. "Mhm! I put the noodles in, and then I turned up the temperature because the water wasn't boiling yet and I thought that making the stove hotter would make the water get hotter faster, but I couldn't reach the temperature dial so I tried to ṷ͇̕s̰̭̝̯̙͚ḛ̙͔͈̦̭ͅ ̶̬͓͚͓͓m͎͎̙͠y ͉̲̰m͏̖̠̠̳̫a͇̺̥͔̩g̖̲̯̗i̤̩̲̠͘c̙.͚͇̟̮̯͖͡ ̛͉̻͕͇̹ ҉̖B̶̜̜͔̪͓͎̗u̠͚͍͈͚̙t͇̺͡ ͉͠I̦̖̼'̝͔̠m̩̻̻̻̩̱̕ ̝̲̺͈̝n̪͘oṱ̴̪͎͉̥͎ ̢̫͉͚̹̠ͅͅv̬er̴͖y ̲͖̰g̗̜o̧o̩̤d͍̹̙̜̺ ̥̲̯ͅwi̛͉̮͎͔̰̰t̵̞̟̝h͎̠͇̫͍̱̠͞ ̵̦̺̩̺̰m̨͍͚͉̼͉̦̝a̩̹̤̩̦͙g̣̩i̩̜̭̲c̣, ̣̯̳so͕̭ ͉̦̻̠͉i̟̰̠̩ṉ̢̯̙̲̗͕̫s̵t̟͓e̞̳̤̣̯̕a̩̼͓͡d͎̰ ̪͕̫͔͓͢o̻̪̮̳̞̥͚f̙̖̻ ͏̹̗ͅt͏̜̪͖u̴̮͈̻͕̰̣̘r̠͓͟ͅni̩̬̗͕̠̯n̦̮̮̥͈̟̭g͍̘̳̣ ̪͔̠̩̪͍͕͠t̹̻̩̳̭̬ẖ̬͙̼̻͞e͚̠͙̪ ̻̪̱̲̲̞̠k̞͈̞̺̤̺ͅn̫̻ͅo̢̘͙̙̬b̛͕,̡͖̻̫ ̙̝̟͓̝I̭̖̻͎̙͕͜ ͟d͏͉̳͍͍̗i̵d̞͓̱̤̤͠ ̖͚̭͉s͜o̴͍̖m̧e͔͎̥̫͔t̺̪̥̯h͉͖̞i͏̤̰̻̼̘̗̪ng̳̹̜̭̱͚͍͘ ̮̰̞͖͝e҉͎̩l̰͖̼̳͘s͏̣e͍͖̙̬.͔̠́
It was an accident, though!"

You take a few cautious steps back. Those sounds shouldn't have come out of that girl.
Spaghetti also shouldn't live, but somehow that was less chilling.
You really hope Rarity gets back soon.
As you hope this, Sweetie's stomach grumbles.

"Do you think we could try cooking-"

"No," you blurt.

Her ears droop and her gaze sweeps down to the floor.
"Yeah, probably not. I'll go get the emergency boots."

You raise an eyebrow. "The what?"

"I know, I don't understand either."

You feel the beginnings of a headache. Your stomach growls.

Some time later - earlier than expected, but later than desired - Rarity flails her way through the door, panting and in complete disarray.
"Anon? Is Sweetie okay? There's... there's something out there..."

Hopping to your feet and bounding toward the door, you shove yourself halfway out before turning around for a moment.
"She's fine, it was here but it left, Sweetie did it, I don't know how, you're down one pair of boots."

"...What?"

"Later," you shout as you scramble away toward the lake, not knowing what exactly you agreed to earlier, but thinking that it must be better than the rest of your day has been.
You have a bad habit of thinking things and being wrong.

The sun hangs low in the sky, shining brilliantly for the few hours that remain in the day. Sparkles dance across the surface of the lake and an ever-so-gentle breeze rustles the leaves of the trees on the shore while the universe winds up to rustle the shit out of your jimmies.
Cheerilee is laying on her belly in a patch of shade, watching the horizon. You take a step and her ears flick toward you.
"Anon. You're late."

"Sorry, I couldn't leave Sweetie Belle alone. Rarity would've killed me. Really. I think she's secretly a murderer who's just very good at hiding the bodies."

Cheerilee's hooves push her head up and off her shoulders, revealing... Pinkie Pie? She was just wearing a mask that was THAT convincing? You suppose that explains the feeling of dread earlier, but still...
"There's not a lot of time. Believe me, sentient food is BAD NEWS. I would know! I'm like, a baker and shit."

"Why were you-"

"In disguise? I wasn't. Long story. Basically, Cheerilee bet me that she could handle my job better than I could handle hers. I sure proved her! But again, no time, Anon. We have to act fast if we want to prevent the noodling."

"The noodling?"

She shakes her head gravely.
"The noodling."

"...The...noodling?"

"Anon, are you high or something? There's no time! This is a serious problem! Sweetie's a little young to blame for this, but you were supposed to be watching her! How could you let her do something like that?"

"Like WHAT? She was just gonna put some noodles in some boiling water."

"Well THAT plan went about as well as an urban school taking a field trip to a cotton plantation. Or an 'it was all a dream' ending to pretty much anything ever. Or a shitty fourth wall joke!"

You plop down next to her and frown.
"Well what are we supposed to do about it, then? Suppose it is my fault. Okay, what now?"

"Noodles are only happy if they have a snuggly place to call home. Or tons of sauce. But not both. Nobody wants that much sauce in their home because it stains."

You rub the side of your head.
"I'm... not sure that answers my question."

Pinkie looks at you and opens her mouth, but before she can say anything the ground begins to rumble.
A massive monstrosity shambles across the field toward the two of you, composed of slick noodles and black majykks.
It is almost definitely larger than it was earlier today, and you're fairly certain you see a few bits of wood and stone sticking out of it, as if it had consumed a few small objects or tiny buildings.

You shove Pinkie to one side and jump to the other, narrowly avoiding the crashing tentacles of pasta.
There are dark pits that look way too much like eyes, and they're focused on you.

"Anon," Pinkie shouts, "you have to give it a home or some sauce! Those are the only ways!"

Sprinting toward a thin copse of trees, you start your own shitty little slalom course, hoping to confuse or slow your pursuer.
It works, but only a little.
Lungs on fire, you manage to gather the breath to ask "How?" loud enough to be heard.
A slimy whip catches at your shirt. It rips as you keep moving and the creature pulls back, leaving a few droplets of spaghectoplasm on you.

Shit. What kind of home do noodles need?
A stomach?
A plate?
A strainer?
A breadbowl?
You have no idea. "Home" is not a concept you usually apply to food.
Sauce is probably your best bet, but where could you possibly find enough sauce to sate this thing?
And does it matter what KIND? Would alfredo work? Marinara?

Another lashing tentacle just barely misses your neck.

Without really thinking, you start sprinting back into the streets of Ponyville.
You round one corner after another until you spot the library, and as you approach the front door you start screaming for Twilight.
The door is in sight, and you catch a glimpse of some paper stuck to it when you trip.
On the way to the ground, you remember that Twilight is out of town at the moment, so there goes that idea.
You didn't really have the time to waste thinking that, and so you start to roll to your feet too late.

A slender tendril of noodle grabs you by the ankle and drags you backward through a trail of goop that dripped off of it.
Panic panic panic panic panic.
What is it even going to DO to you?
You'd rather not find out, and so you twist yourself around and bite down on your bond.
The noodle is slightly undercooked, but otherwise pretty good.

The creature roars in pain, and in the moment of freedom you take off again.
Unfortunately for you, you were just outsmarted by a lump of soggy carbohydrates.
There's a second attack vector already in place, and you fall right into it.
With a mighty thwack to your chest, it sends you flying over a several buildings and crashing into a wall.
The structure crumbling behind you reveals a smiling Sweetie Belle.

"Hi Anon!"

Fucking perfect.
Or... maybe, just maybe, ACTUALLY fucking perfect.
This is dumb, but what isn't these days?
You scoop the filly up with one arm and run like you've never run before back toward Pinkie.
As your legs pump, you wheeze out a few things that are almost audible.
"You're a unicorn! Turn the lake into sauce!"

"Huh? I don't think I heard you. Where are we going?"

"Lake sauce!"

Her face scrunches in confusion, but the squelching sound of the noodle pile catches her attention and a look of comprehension washes over her face.
"Oh! I... I'm not sure I can, Anon... I'm not very good at magic yet, and that's a really big lake..."

"You... can... try."

The setting sun makes the surface of the water blaze to life with vivid oranges and pinks as it pops up in the distance.
Sweetie's horn starts to glow.
You hear horrible, unnatural, guttural voices coming out of her as the glow blackens and a little bit of good and love is sucked out of the world.
You're surprised you don't have a bad feeling about this as the lake starts to shimmer with the same ethereal unglow.

Pinkie shifts a wide-eyed gaze between you, the lake, and the abomination behind you.
"I can't watch!" she cries, pulling the Cheerilee head back over her own. You aren't sure what that accomplishes, since she can clearly see out of that thing.

Your left foot hits the last inch of land, and you leap forward with all your might.
There's a great splash, a struggle for air, a pleasant scent, and then blackness.

When your eyes flutter open, you see 'Cheerilee' standing over you.
"Oh thank cinammon. For a second there, it looked like you weren't gonna make it! I had to give you mouth-to-mouth!"

You cough up a glob of alfredo sauce before noticing there's a bunch of it splattered across the nearby landscape.
The lake is filled with it.
That Sweetie is alright.
...
You gasp.
"Where is she?!"

"Shhh, relax. It's been a doozy of a day for you. She's fine. She's right over there," Pinkie says, pointing toward a tree.

Propped up against it, Sweetie is breathing softly, dripping alfredo sauce, and smiling at you.
"I did it," she says.

Against the protests of your legs, you get up and walk over to her.
You lay a hand on her and ruffle her mane.
"You sure did."

"Group hug?" you hear from just over your shoulder.
Pinkie is smiling and holding out her hooves.

You sigh.
"Why not?"

A gentle squeeze brings the three of you together beneath the tree in the last few rays of the day's sun.
The air is still and calm.

"Sweetie, how did a little filly like you learn the dark arts? Aren't you a little young for all this?" you ask playfully.

Cheerilee's jaw drops as she stands on a nearby path, gawking at herself, yourself, and a little filly, covered in white goop, as you talk about her being too young for something.
She goes careening off to fetch the authorities.

You're pretty sure they aren't going to believe Sweetie did it.
You should probably just say it was some other unicorn and hope for the best.
Somewhere, some remnant of the old world in you chuckles at the idea.
Getting out of child molestation charges by saying a wizard did it. Absurd.

Oh shit really? I did this again? Why?

Oh shit really? I did this again? Why?

"ANON YOU GIT YOUR SCRAWNY ASS BACK HERE RIGHT NOW SO'S I CAN WHUP IT PROPER!"

Ah, what a fine day. The sun is shining, Applejack is SUPER pissed off, and if you survive the afternoon you'll have the best blackmail leverage ever.
"Nope! Maybe next time you'll think before you DON'T TASTE LIKE FUCKING APPLES. You're APPLEjack goddamnit!"

"THAT DON'T EVEN MAKE SENSE!"

"IT'S NOT THAT FUCKING HARD, DIPSHIT! JUST TASTE LIKE APPLES FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!"
You've actually managed to make her mad enough that she's running short of breath from yelling. It looks like you'll outrun her.

Acquiring joy...
NOPE
Survey says: fuck you.
Sweetie Belle is in the middle of the road for some reason, and you've tripped over her. You're on the ground. Applejack is gonna be here any second.

"Hi Anon!"

You're about to ignore her and get up to keep running, when your ankle decides to ruin your day. It's twisted or busted or retarded or something, because you can't stand up.
Sigh...
"Hi Sweetie Belle."

"What's in the box?"

Dohoho, this might just be perfect.
You hand her the box.
"It's a birthday present for you!"

"Oh, boy!"

"But it's not your birthday today."

"It's not?"

How the shit has she not died of stupid yet?
"Nope, and you can't open it until it is. So I need you to hold on tight and make sure the box doesn't open until it's your birthday. Can you do that?"

"Sure!" she squeaks, her voice cracking.

You pick her up and throw her as hard as you can.

"Thaaaaaaaanks Anoooooooooooooooon" she cries as she sails over the horizon.
You detect the scent of apples. You frown.
You remember that the source doesn't carry the taste. Your frown deepens.

"Well, well. Lookie what we have here. Looks like you dun goofed."

You flash her a wry grin.
"Did I? Did I really?"

"Yeah. You did."

"Naw, man. The goof is you. You're the one who talks too much when she's drunk. You're the one who left sensitive materials out in plain sight."
"You're the one-"

"Don't you DARE say it..."

"who doesn't taste like apples."

A moment of great suffering washes over you, but is gone. Replaced with only darkness.
Darkness and the smell of apples.
You dream a dream of a time and place long ago, where children and adults had meaningful debates about breakfast cereals.

Your shenanigan-senses are tingling as your eyes creak open.
Applejack is nearby, and she is not currently guarded.
Now is obviously the perfect time lick her again, sniff Misty's bike seat, and then berate her for still not tasting like apples despite having had ample time to do so.
At least, you assume she's had ample time. You don't rightly know how long it's been.
For the sake of argument, assume that "greater than one minute" is ample time, because it is incredibly unlikely that it hasn't been at least that long.

Applejack is doing something with a bale of hay over there. It appears the two of you are in the barn.
You stand up and realize you are tied to a chair.
She is the goof once again - you will point this out to her if she uses the word goof.

...sneak sneak sneak
lick

She leaps ten feet in the air and yelps.

"COME THE FUCK ON, AJ, TASTE LIKE APPLES FOR ONCE. IT'S A PRETTY FUCKING SIMPLE CONCEPT."

You can see the rage boiling within her, but she takes a deep breath and stays relatively calm.
"Now see here, Anon, I have three-quarters of a mind to git out a switch and just straight whip ya here and now, so it's in y'all's best interest to tell me where EXACTLY you put it."

"Well, okay, hang on a second. I can't tell you exactly where it is now, because I put it in a moving location. Last I saw it, Sweetie Belle was flying in a vaguely southeast direction carrying your precious."

"WHAT?!?!?"

"You heard me."

"Honestly, I'm not sure I did. Care to re-peat that?"

"Relax, girl. It's safe for now. She has very specific instructions to keep the box sealed for the time being. Unless somepony interferes, I don't think anything's getting out. So really, I did you a favor by locking it up."

"I NEED that."

"Oh do you? Do you really?"

Her face turns a deep crimson.
She bucks a wheelbarrow, and it shatters.
She stalks off down the path back toward town.

Man, how can she be this bad at this? Have you flustered her SO badly that she's become the queen of goof?
She just LEFT you there, not secured at all! Tied to a chair, but that's hardly an impediment to a crafty sumbitch like you.
As you begin to look around for the lowest-hanging sharp-implement-fruit with which to free yourself, you hear a rustle outside a window.
It's a pair of eyes, and they're watching you.
...hungrily.
You worry that gives off the wrong impression. Not like food hungry, like sex hungry.
Like if someone was giving the bedroom eyes and posing seductively while they said they were hungry.
Yeah, they're kinda hungry, but like... sexually.
Yeah.

So you leave the chair in place and start hobbling over toward the eyes, which quickly dart out of view.
You see Rarity sprinting over the hill.
The fuck? As far as you knew, Rarity wasn't into you. Or even most stallions. She tended to enjoy the company of fine mares, usually with a little bit of rope and...
OOOH, okay. You're tied up. Bondage revs her engine.
Like, not revving the engine of a car, but like...
That shitty explanation from a few lines ago, but this time with a car engine instead of hunger.
Yeah, it's revving the engine, but like... sexually.

You gotta stop spiralling off into shitty explanations of plain and simple phenomena, lest you become the goof.
You decide it's worth taking the twelve seconds to bask in the splendor of having just gotten to legitimately use the phrase "lest you become the goof".
RIGHT THEN. Leaving. That is what you were doing.

You wiggle your way up next to some pointy shit and get yourself free. In the process you only stab yourself four times: a new record!
Before you leave the farm, you decide to spin the nefarious wheel and get a nice plot rolling. So you detour over to Apple Bloom's treehouse.
She's there, working on ohmygodwhocares and you quickly get her to go along with your seemingly innocent scheme for a few bits.
Giggle.
Acquiring joy?
No, no... not yet. Wait. Wait for fruition of plot.

You scramble off toward town to keep this disco dancing, and to make sure Applejack stays pissed off.
Arriving at Sugarcube Corner, you wave to Pinkie.

She excitedly waves back, but is quickly distracted by the reflection from somepony's watch.

You snap your fingers a few times to get her attention back.
"Hey, Pinkie, can you do something for me?"

"Yup yup yup, I sure can! Unless it involves anything in Detrot. I'm not allowed back in Detrot."
For some reason, her bouncing deflates slightly at the mention of her inability to enter the city-which-sucks-most-ass.

"Great, so in a bit you're gonna see Apple Bloom doing a few things for me. When Squidward, err, Apple Bloom finishes those errands, I want you to give her a large baked good with an apple flavor. It can be a cake, a big pie, whatever. Your choice."

"I know that literally every single thing you've ever said has been the best idea ever, but I can't actually give you baked goods for free."

You stare quizically.
"Even the thing with the giraffe and the penguin?"

"ESPECIALLY the thing with the giraffe and the penguin. My butt is STILL sore!"

You shake your head.
"Okay, doesn't matter. I know, that's fine, I can pay."
You drop some bits on the counter.
"If whatever you make costs less than that, you can keep the rest for being awesome. Sorry about your butt."

"Don't be sorry, it's a story I'll be telling my grandkids!"

You smile, then cringe, then smile, laugh, and turn to leave.
You reach the door, hit the street, and turn the corner without a problem, but then are struck with a feeling like somebody is fucking with you. Like somebody is trying to outprank you.
Nearly impossible, but...
Nah, doesn't matter.
As long as Applejack doesn't like it, you're happy.

OH BOY OH BOY IT'S JUST ABOUT TIME
Applejack has just come back to the farm, and she's searching for her little sister.
Sweetie Belle wouldn't give it up.
Err... wrong impression. She wouldn't give up her box.
Err... fuck, hang on. Try that again.
As much as Applejack is a silly pony who doesn't taste like apples, she's not a pedophile and was not trying to seduce Sweetie Belle. She was trying to retreive a cardboard box and Sweetie Belle would not let her have that.
So now she's gonna try to get her sister to help out.
She's checked the house, and the treehouse, and now she's on her way to the barn.
She sets a hoof inside and...

You pull the blindfold off of Sweetie Belle (god bless her impossibly stupid little soul) and shout surprise.
She gawks at the paltry decorations, seemingly impressed.

Applejack's face twists in confusion.
"I don't get it."

"What's not to get?"

"If she opens it here, I beat the tar out of you and take it back, and the only pony who knows is that adorable brick over there. How do you win this one?"

You grin and smile at Sweetie Belle. You are so smart. Your plan is so cool.
"Go on, open up your present. It's your birthday."

"Oh boy!"
She rips the top open and immediately stuffs her head in the box.
She pulls back up, and appears to be chocking on a large object.

Oh shit. That's not supposed to happen. It's pretty great how absolutely MORTIFIED Applejack is, but it simply won't do to have a foal die on your watch.
You start administering the heimlich, or trying to approximate it on a pony at least.
This does not go well.
You girlishly shriek for help.
Wouldn't you know it, Rarity was hiding nearby again for some reason. She dashes in to save her sister, but just as she gets there Sweetie hiccups and swallows the object.

Applejack nearly faints.

Suddenly, Rainbow Dash.
"Hey guys, what's up?"

Applejack's face somehow goes even whiter.

You smile. This wasn't the plan, but you can salvage this, and Sweetie will eventually pass Applejack's secret for later use.
"Not much. Baked good?"

"Not recently, no."

"Ah, no, I mean, would you liek sum bakkd gud? Like, cake or pie or whatever. It's in the box over there."

It's a cake.
Dash is a total bro and slices up the cake and starts handing out plates. Everybody takes one silently.

Rarity takes a deep breath and then a bite of cake.
Her face contorts.
"Well, that is an... interesting flavor."

Wat
Should be apple.
Why not apple?

You rush a wad of cake toward your face hole, but before it gets there Sweetie Belle vomits.
This may change the game, and cake taste can wait, so you peer into the vomit.
It is a G.I. Joe.
That was not the item you took from Applejack.
In fact, for a G.I. Joe to be anywhere in Equestria, it had to have been taken from you.

You glare at Dash. Hash she made you the goof?
Only slightly.
She is chuckling just a little.

You push the cake into your mouth. You will hurt this cake as revenge for the wrongs dealt to you.
It tastes... actually KINDA like apples. But also not.
What... what IS that flavor?

"Dash? What's going on?"

"Haha, yeah. Fun pranks are going on. I swapped Sweetie's box with another one with your shit in it, and then I told Pinkie to make her cake using what was in the first box as a flavoring agent. You just ate your Applejack angry maker. Suck it."

Applejack starts breathing heavily.
"Rainbow... did ya... see what it was?"

"Nah, didn't care."

She let's out a sigh of relief.

You frown.
Now you do not get to use it as blackmail.
Sucking it is not what you wanted to do at all.
You did not want it in your mouth, and you are upset that that is where it went.
You are much more upset by the implications of the apple taste.
This means that your tonguing of Applejack was not a complete analysis.

She DOES taste like apples. Sorta.
You frown again.

Joy? Acquire?
No. Joy has been stolened.
Rainbow Dash. Magnificent fucking bitch without even knowing it.

Author's Note

I should probably just delete this story. It IS against the rules these days (and has been for a long, long time now)

Rainbro Dash 1 - Success

Dash is flying home from a night hanging out at your place, lookin' at the ridiculously beautiful view.
Srsly, sunsets like that are the setting of half of all confession scenes ever.
She starts getting mushy romantic ideas in her head.
Shakes 'em off, flies home.
She can't sleep. She can't stop thinking about you.
She comes up with the best and stupidest plan.

The next day...

"Hey Anon?"
"Yeah, Dash?"
"I have a crazy idea. You trust me, right?"
"Sure. I probably trust you more than any other pony I've met."
She blushes just a bit. You don't notice.
"How'd you like to fly?"
Short silence.
"What, like you carry me?"
"Actually... it'd be easier if you sorta... rode me."
Long silence.
"I mean, if you don't wanna that's cool. I just thought it was lame that you're gonna be stuck on the ground your whole life and I wanted to give you a taste of the good stuff."
You smile. Good ol' Dash.
"Why not?"
She does a quick little loopy flip and gets a huge grin on her face.
"Awesome."

You're up in the air. It's pretty awkward to be riding a pony like a... pony. And also flying.
Whatever. This shit's pretty fuckin' awesome. The thrill of flight, incredible speed, some cool stunts, and all with your bro Dash.
What a goddamn bro, sharin' the wonders of life in the sky with you outta the goodness of her heart.
She looks toward the sun. Almost sunset.
She grins. You don't see it because you're up top, stupid.
She pulls into a really tight turn and you start to slip.
You get a little nervous, but nothing more than you'd feel on an intense rollercoaster.
She speeds up.
You're losing your grip, but you don't wanna wuss out and scream like a little bitch just because the ride is too intense for you. She may be your bro, but she's still totally entitled to make fun of you for that.
You keep quiet until you're about to fall off.
She still isn't letting up.
You're getting legitimately scared now. You try to say something but your mouth is too dry.
You finally manage to get some sounds out, but they definitely aren't words.
She turns her head back toward you and lets out a huge theatrical gasp as you fall off.

You're plummeting toward the ground, absolutely terrified. Can't entertain a single thought outside of "OHSHITOHSHITOHSHIT." You might even have shit your pants for all you know.
She's terrified, too, but not because you're falling. That's all part of the plan. She swallows the lump in her throat and shoots down after you.
She gets below you and catches you.
The two of you are in a pretty good imitation of the 'man carrying new wife' pose as she beats her wings furiously, trying to slow enough that you don't die on landing.
She'd never gotten a good sense of your weight before today. It's gonna be a close call.
Her rear hooves hit the ground and there's a pretty sick cracking noise. You don't notice because you're still pretty shaken up and also a total dipshit.
You jokingly clasp your hands, bat your eyelashes, make the face, and croon "My hero!"
She chuckles a bit, but she's definitely out of breath.
She sets you down, gets back on all fours, and turns toward the sun.
It's just setting.
"So... Anon..."
She's having a pretty hard time. She must be really exhausted.
"I... I wanted to tell you something."
Is she... crying?
She blacks out and falls over.

Dash wakes up in a hospital bed.
She panics until she remembers what happened.
She hangs her head and sighs.
"...Awesome..."
"Oh, you're up."
"Anon! What're you doing here?"
You smile.
"What, you break your legs saving my life and I'm not allowed to wait for you to get up?"
"Get up?"
"Yeah, I guess you passed out from shock or something."
"Oh... that makes sense. Uh, thanks."
"No problem. I should be thanking you."
She frowns.
"No way. It's my fault."
"Come on, accidents happen. I knew what I was getting into."
She gets a really hurt look on her face. Maybe it's a pride thing? Accidents shouldn't happen on her watch?
Nurse comes into the room. Blah blah good to go, make sure you rest, stay off those legs.
The whole time the nurse is talking, you're making an exaggeratedly bored face and flapping your hand open and shut. The standard childish way of indicating 'this person is talking too much and it is boring.'
Dash keeps looking over at you and trying to suppress a smile.
The nurse leaves.
"So, I know you think this is your fault or whatever, but I still feel bad. I'm willing to let you crash at my place until you're feeling better."
She does something weird with her face. You totally can't read it. Maybe you shouldn't've used the word crash.
"I dunno, Anon. My wings work fine."
You convince her.

Over the next week, she insists on helping out as much as possible, even though you keep telling her to just chill.
She won't let it go, either. She's adamant that this is all her fault and she needs to make it up to you.
One day, she puts a little more weight on a back hoof than she's ready for.
She yelps and falls down. Right in front of you.
"Come on, Dash. They're not gonna get better if you don't take it easy."
"But they wouldn't even BE broken if it weren't for my stupid idea!"
"Accidents happen. You were doing me a favor, then you saved my life. I don't see where you went wrong."
She groans in frustration.
"It WASN'T an accident, okay? I dropped you!"
"Yeah, and I'm Twilight Sparkle."
"I'm serious! Don't you think I've been a little ridiculous about this? I mean I know I'm not exactly a jerk to you, but since when am I your servant?"
"Dear Princess Celestia..."
"Come ON, Anon, listen to me! You said you trust me, right? I'm telling the truth! I dropped you on purpose!"
"Seriously, Dash, why the hell would you do something like that?"
"I dunno, because I'm an idiot! I had this big stupid plan, and it probably wasn't even gonna work, and part of it called for me saving your life, okay?"
"Listen, Dash, 'saving' someone so you can call in a favor is a pretty fucking terrible thing to do, and I'm still willing to write this off as an accident if you stop right there. Quit joking, and let this go."
"I'm not joking! It was all my fault. You could've died, and that's really not funny!"

You're both quiet for a little, and then the anger hits you. You're not sure what she was up to, but she was going to manipulate you and put you in danger to get what she wanted. Like a total bitch.
She hangs her head in shame and closes her eyes. You can see them quivering just before the lids come down.
"I'm sorry."
"I thought you were my cool, Dash."
She says nothing.
"Why would you do something like this? I thought you were my bro!"
She turns and steps over to the door. She opens it and looks back.
She opens her eyes again. You're pretty sure she's just about to cry.
"I'm sorry. It won't happen again."
You can't think of anything to say.
She flies away.
The rest of your day sucks ass.
You feel terrible even though you did nothing wrong.
She's the one who put you in danger.
She's the one who was going to manipulate you.
She's the one who walked out.
Why do YOU feel like the asshole?

Next morning you're ravenous.
Head over to Sugarcube Corner for some baked delicious.
Pinkie frowns at you the whole time you're there.
Bump into Applejack on your way back through town.
She's really rude to you.
God, not only do you feel like an asshole, but the ponies around here are treating you like one.
Next day you decide to go ask Rarity what's going on. She's in on all the latest gossip, and you haven't seen her in at least a month so there's no way she can be pissed at you, too.
Bump into Fluttershy on your way to Rarity's.
Even Fluttershy is trying to be mean to you.
She's failing because she's Fluttershy (lolnewepisodewut), but you can tell she's trying.
Seriously, what the fuck did you do?
Rarity is totally pissed at you.
She denies there's a problem.
Bitches and horse.
Twilight is level headed. Maybe if you just ask her what you did she'll shed some light on this bullshit drama nonsense.

Twilight has apparently been sworn to secrecy.
She keeps looking around the room nervously any time either of you say 'secret.'
Ugh, you guess you need to go ask Dash. You're still kinda pissed at her.
You're standing underneath her house, wondering how to get her attention.
You've never been the one to go get her before, she always comes to you.
You try yelling, but there's no response.
You throw some little rocks. They go up through the cloud bottom and come back down.
You hear the sound of glass shattering above you and wince.
A few seconds later, nothing else has happened. Maybe she really isn't home.
You can see Applejack off in the distance, headed from the town back to the farm.
You yell to get her attention and she ignores you.
You run over there and stand in front of her. She's the element of honesty, maybe she'll tell you.
And if not, you can at least ask her where Dash went.
"Applejack, what's going on here? What did I DO?"
"You know what ya did. Yer the one who did it!"
You scrunch your face in confusion, trying to follow her logic.
"I'm really lost here. Can you please just tell me what I did wrong?"
"You hurt Rainbow!"
"What? No I didn't!"
"She's a tough gal, she don't turn into a blubbering mess without a good reason."
"Oh, not the broken bones... yeah I guess I yelled at her... but it's not like she didn't deserve it!"
"What in tarnation are you goin' on about?"
"Nevermind... I just need to talk to her."
"Well then what are ya doin' standing here gabbin' at me?"
"I can't find her."
"She hasn't left her house since she left yours cryin'."

You're back under the cloud.
"Dash, I really need to talk to you."
No response.
"Look, I am mad at you, and maybe I said some things, but I'm here aren't I? Can you please come down here?"
"...no."
"And why not?"
"'Cuz I can't let you see me crying."
Shit, that's like Bro Rule #4. Even now, she's still at it. Maybe it was just a stupid little mistake and a big misunderstanding.
"Come on. I'm not gonna stay mad forever, and I know feelings are totally gay, but I'm pretty sure we need to talk about this."
After a few more minutes, she finally comes down. She's not actively crying anymore, but it's incredibly obvious she has been crying. A lot.
"Okay. Progress! We're talking. So, first off... you alright?"
"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"
Her face makes it clear she is not, in fact, alright.
"Seriously. Are you gonna be okay? What big, world ending problem has reduced Rainbow Fucking Dash to tears?"
"... I screwed up."
"THAT'S what's got you so upset? That your plan didn't work out?"
"No! No, no. That I did it in the first place. It was totally not cool of me to try something like that. I wanted something, but I screwed up so bad trying to get it that I think it's gone forever."
"Whoa, now. Slow down. What did you want so bad you were willing to put me in danger for it?"
"Does it even MATTER? What I did is not okay. End of story."

"Yeah. What you did is shitty. So how about you try to make up for it instead of running away?"
"You mean you don't hate me?"
"...No, Dash. I don't hate you. I don't think I could ever hate you."
She lets out a sigh so heavy with relief you can fucking TASTE it.
"You're my bro, and you always will be."
For some reason, it looks like she's about to cry again.
"Hey, rule #4. Come on, you're stronger than this. If what you wanted was so important that you'd be that desperate for it and burst into treats when you think you've lost it, maybe I'm not being enough of a bro. Maybe I should be helping you out, y'know? Rule #2?"
She's sniffling.
"I... I don't think it works like that. It's not something you can just go and get."
"I'm sure we can handle it. You're Rainbow Dash. The fastest and most awesome pegasus who ever lived. I've... got opposable thumbs! Together, there's nothing we can't do - probably."
"I just... I just don't want to lose you..."
"Oh come on, there's no way it's that dangerous. And besides, I've got your back and you've got mine. Bros for life, yeah? Look, something about seeing you this down just feels wrong and I can't take it anymore. I'm not mad. Just tell me what you want and what's in the way, and we'll go solve the problem."
She smiles weakly, but it quickly crumbles back into a frown.
"I just... I don't know what I'd do without you."
"Why would you lose me?"
"I almost did when I dropped you out of the sky, and then again after that when I told you why I did it."
"You still haven't really told me."
She hesitates for a long time.
A looong time.
"Hello, Equestria to Dash? Come in, Rainbow Dash... can you hear me?"
She blinks and exhales very slowly before locking her eyes with yours.
Her stare is... intense. Whatever this is, it really is important to her. But you're not gonna let your bro down.
"Meet me on that hill over there tomorrow just before sunset."
"Okay, but what are we-"
"PLEASE. Just do it. I'll... I'll explain then. I'll tell you what I was gonna tell you before I blacked out."

You and Dash are up on the hill. The sun is setting. It's beautiful.
It's hard to tell in an open field with all the smells of nature, but you swear there's a light perfume scent in the air.
"So. The big moment. Let's make your dream come true."
"You're sure? You can still leave right now, but if you don't there's a good chance we'll never be able to go back."
"We may have just had some stupid shitty fight, but I'm already having a hard time remembering why. Our bond is the bond that will pierce the heavens. You're here for me, I'm here for you, let's do this."
"I'm gonna warn you right now, Anon. I'm about to be really selfish. I'm going to ask you to do something I have no right to ask you to do."
"Come ON. What is with all this drama? I'm your bro, I've got your back! Why does this have to play out so slowly with so many feels? It's not some shitty high school romance."
"I'm just not sure... how you're going to react to this."
"Well we'll never know if you never SAY IT."
"That's really hard to do, okay?"
"Why? What exactly is the problem?"
"I'm really scared, okay?"
You hold back a guffaw, and she gives you a light hoof to the shoulder.
"Shut up. I'm serious."
"Then just tell me already. It's simple. You say what you want. We work together to get you what you want. None of this drama. This is not one of those shitty stories where two teenagers are best friends and one develops romantic feelings for the oth...er..."
Shit.

You go silent. Your face goes into championship poker mode.
"Heh... yeah. Y'see? It's... not easy."
You don't move. This is a scenario you were NOT prepared for. Where to even START? She's a girl, so that's good. She's also a horse. Is that okay? Is there any chance you'll ever be amongst humans again? Is she good looking? How do you judge looks on a horse? Fuck... this is... this is... you're not ready for this. You've completely shut down trying to process where to START processing this.
"Hey Anon?"
You're still catatonic.
"Anon? Are you okay?"
Nothing.
"You're freaking me out, here. I think you just put the pieces together, and I need to know whether or not you're okay with ever seeing me again. I'm pretty sure if I don't find that out in the next few seconds I'm gonna die."
You're trying. You are TRYING to get somewhere. ANYWHERE. The wheels are spinning, but you haven't moved an inch. Maybe if... okay, as a hypothetical, maybe you could just try to wrap your head around this if she was a human and THEN translate it to pony.

Let's see... can't evaluate looks right now, since that's dependent on pony factors, so skip that. You've dated ugly girls before if they were awesome enough. Shit - awesome... she's awesome, right? She's... she's TOTALLY awesome. She's like... the best! She kicks a dozen different kinds of ass and she knows it. You slowly go down a mental checklist of traits you want in a woman, and she seems to fit the bill. In fact, she's practically perfect for you! Like, if she was a human, you probably would've put a ring on that by now!

Dash is losing it. She's collapsed into a heap of mumbling and sobbing. She's completely lost you. Not just as a friend, either. You're completely gone - no better than dead as far as she can tell.

Dash has slipped into a full blown panic. You're there, but you're not THERE and she can't explain why. She collects what's left of her wits and makes a mad dash for Twilight's, hoping she can do SOMETHING.

Okay, so you could totally fall for a girl like her. But she's not a girl, she's a horse. Well, okay, she's both. She's a girl horse. Pony, not horse. Is that distinction important? Okay, well she's neither. She's not a horse or a pony as you know them. She's sentient. And awesome, that part's important.

The front door to the library bursts open and a rainbow blur swoops in and grabs the librarian.
"Huhwha? Where am... Rainbow? Rainbow, what's going on? Where are you taking me?"
Dash manages to make a stream of unintelligible noises fall out of her mouth.
Twilight struggles as the two ponies scream through the air, quickly closing the distance back to you.

You are making progress, albeit slowly. You're pretty sure you've decided that Dash is awesome, but haven't been able to move or make noise yet. Apparently rebooting your mind is time consuming.

"Rainbow, I'm serious! You need to put me down right now! I know you've been going through some things lately, but Anon's not going anywhere. We can take our time to talk through this."
Babbling, maybe even some drool.

You have leveled up to babbling and drooling while your brain trudges forward. You and Dash are both babbling and drooling. Clearly you're perfect for eachother.

"Okay Rainbow Dash, you leave me no choice! I'm going back and getting the girls, and we're going to talk about this. We'll tie you up if we have to."
Twilight's horn starts glowing.
Dash turns her head to look at the glow.
She smashes into you.
You, Dash, and Twilight all plow into the ground, Twilight going headfirst.
Surprise of surprises, the blow to her head causes Twilight's spell to misfire. The three of you are now a few thousand feet in the air, though the exact number is rapidly decreasing.
Twilight screams as she realizes she's falling.
You are vaguely aware of some element of your world besides potential horse-fucking that needs evaluation, but you're fairly sure it can wait.
Dash sees you and Twilight falling. She needs to save both of you. Failing on either end is unacceptable.

Dash snaps to attention. It is GO TIME. She's saved plenty of ponies in one fell swoop before, this should be a piece of cake. Except they're a lot closer to the ground already... and none of them are pegasai with hollow bones... and Anon is huge compared to a pony.
Okay, plan B.
"Twilight, stop screaming! I'm not sure I can get both of you. He's heavier than he looks and the last time I caught him, the landing broke some bones. I need to know RIGHT NOW whether or not you can warp to safety. Do you think you can do that?"
She doesn't say anything.
"TWILIGHT! CAN YOU HANDLE YOURSELF?"
Twilight nods slowly and closes her eyes. Her horn glows softly.
Dash turns her attention to you.

You've managed to work out that even if distinguishing between ponies and horses IS important and Dash is definitely not either of those, so it's not worth considering at the moment.

She grabs you and starts flapping like mad.
Twilight blinks out of there.
She flaps and flaps and flapsandflapsandflapsandflaps.
The ground does not seem to care and just keeps getting closer.

After a lot of thought, you have decided that cyan is a great color and rainbows are not gay.

Dash is crying and not fighting the tears.
She is straining her wings as hard as she has ever strained them before, desperate beyond belief that it will be enough.
Her still broken rear legs hit the ground. It feels as if the bones have shattered into a fine dust as she crumples to the ground, losing her grip on you.
You, still having some momentum, thump against the ground and bounce slightly before your limp body rolls a few feet away and comes to a slow stop.

You feel an intense pain. A stray rock punched you in the kidney, and some day you will have your vengeance.
For now, the blinding pain finally brings your mind into focus. Everything is clear. You understand exactly what you feel and what you would like to do.
Unfortunately, you seem to be incapable of standing at the moment.
You drag yourself toward Dash.
She sees you moving and her eyes light up.
She tries and fails to stand.
You make it to her and lay your head against the ground a short distance from hers.
You grab her front hoof in your hands, and open your mouth. You bat your eyelashes just a little. You aren't joking.

"My hero."

Spike the Griffon

Be Spike.
okay
You're Spike. Got it? Let's go. (Long incoming)

Your head hurts pretty bad. Everything is black and you can only hear faint rustling (your jimmies? you're not sure yet...)
Oh, everything is black because your eyes are shut. That makes sense. You open them.
Now everything is blurry. Great.
Oh, okay, you must've hit your head or something. The weird sound is coming from the purple splotch in front of you. You're pretty sure it's Twilight moving around, and now you think she's talking to you. Your jimmies remain unrustled.
You try to move your mouth and make words happen, but that doesn't go over very well. Your mouth feels really REALLY weird.
Good thing your vision is clearing up and your hearing is losing the muffled distortion. That probably means there was no permanent damage.

Yup, that's definitely Twilight.
"ike? Spike? Are you okay?"
You move your arm... hey, your arm works! That's great! You move your arm up and scratch your head. Man, everything feels so weird right now.
"I... think so?"
"Oh thank Celestia you're okay! I was really worried there."
You try to stand up. That was a mistake. You hit the floor.
"What happened?"
"...Okay, I'm about to tell you something, and you need to stay calm."
"I'm calm."
"Can you STAY calm?"
"No promises."

"I was trying out a new spell, and... well there's just no excuse for how badly I messed it up. It was supposed to make breakfast!"
"That sounds like a great idea! I'm really hungry!"
"I just wanted to let you sleep in sometimes, so I was going to develop a spell that would make breakfast so you could sleep and I wouldn't set any food on fire while pretending I could cook! THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!"
"WHAT wasn't supposed to happen, Twilight?"
"Okay, calm remember? CALM."
"YEAH, I'M CALM!"
"Well you don't SOUND very calm!"
"Out with it! What did your spell do? Do I have a mustache on my butt?"
Twilight levitates a mirror in front of a griffon.
"Who's that?"
Awkward silence.
"...oh."
"Yeah."
"So... you tried to cast a spell that would make breakfast..."
"Uh-huh."
"But you messed up..."
"Yes."
"And now I'm a griffon?"
"...I'm sorry."
"COOL!"
"What? Spike, this is serious! I don't know how long the spell will last, or what other effects it might have had on you!"
"Yeah, and? Twilight, you cast a dozen spells on me every week that do all sorts of wacky things. I'll be fine. Besides, this'll be cool. I've never been a griffon before!"

You get up and stretch out your freaky new limbs.
You look around. You're in the basement/laboratory.
Several breakfast ingredients litter the area. There's also some crusty old spaghetti stuck in one corner from Twilight's crazy experiment to end world hunger. Something about spontaneous bio-organic pasta generation. You don't remember or care.
A voice calls down from the main floor.
"Hey Twilight, you here? There's a party at Pinkie's in like ten minutes!"
Twilight shouts back up the stairs.
"I'm down here, Rainbow! I'll be there, just give me a second."
"Alright, I'll see you there I guess."
You hear the door shut.
You roll your eyes.
"When ISN'T there a party at Pinkie's?"
Twilight laughs.
"Okay, so... I guess I'll be going?"
"What, you're not gonna work on changing me back?"
"You'll change back on your own eventually. And what happened to this being 'cool'?"
"Let's just go to that party. I wonder what Pinkie is celebrating today..."
"Hold on, Spike. I'm not sure you should go out like this."
"Am I just supposed to stay here until I turn back? It could be days! Is this an elaborate experiment to make me die of boredom?"
"What are we supposed to tell the girls?"
"Okay, Twilight... one - why does it matter? And two - I'm a griffon who happens to be visiting. That's not THAT unlikely. Rainbow Dash brought one over before, remember? What was her name... Grumpy?"
"She WAS pretty grumpy, but her name was Gilda. I... I suppose there's no real harm in you coming with me. What are we going to call you?"
"I dunno. Radical von Awesome?"
"I don't... think that'll work."

"If we're gonna be boring about it, I guess I could be Steve or Joe or Greg or something."
"It's not boring! It's... normal. Greg should be fine. Now come on 'Greg', we have a party to get to."
You and Twilight walk on over to the party.
"Hey, Pinkie. What are we celebrating today?"
"Oh you never would've guessed, even if you did want to try guessing which you didn't because I guess you don't like guessing..."
Something something something the word guess six more times.
"...but it's just great! Hey wait a minute... who's your friend?"
"Oh him? This is... Greg. Greg the griffon."
You wave awkwardly. Partially because it's a slightly awkward situation and partially because you're not used to waving with your new hand-claw-talon-things yet.
"Huh... well then, I guess you two can share the party."
"What?"
"You and Gilda, silly. OH! I forgot to tell you that part, didn't I? Rainbow Dash and Gilda made up! Now they're super great friends again and Gilda's being nice to all of us and the two of them definitely aren't an interspecies lesbian couple!"
This is a good opportunity for you to practice furrowing your new brow. "A what?"
Ridiculous coincidence or lazy writing, you decide: Gilda is back in town right at the same time that you become a griffon HOW-A-FUCKING-'BOUT-THAT.
Gilda steps around a corner, one claw over Dash's shoulder. Their discussion screeches to a halt as she spots you.
She stares at you fiercely and you're unable to look away. She's scanning you. Judging you.
Still, you find yourself thinking Gilda is quite... striking? No... intimidating? No...
You feel an odd sensation between your rear legs.
Shit. You think she's HOT.

You're not sure how it happened. One second she was over there staring at you, the next you had no idea where she was, but now...
Gilda's face is about an inch from yours. No metaphors, no exaggerating, no bullshit, you can FEEL her stare.
She's incredibly stiff and speaking very slowly. For the most part, her words come out in a dull and quiet tone, but she's alternating with an ear-piercing shriek.
"What the FUCK do you think you're doing? I'm pretty sure I was ABOUT AS CLEAR AS POSSIBLE when I told you I didn't want to see you again. You have ONE FUCKING SECOND to leave. ONE."
The ponies in the room seem just as confused as you, if significantly less scared.
Rainbow Dash gets a look of understanding on her face and shoots a scowl at you.
You panic and turn for the door. Being scared shitless AND in an unusual body, you're not too good at fleeing in terror.
You make it about ten feet before Gilda counts to one.
She springs into the air and lunges for you, vicious claws at the ready.
FUCK. There is absolutely no way you could win a fight with this body.
Searing pain. She's digging into the joints where your wings meet your back, but you can't understand that level of detail right now - if you could even have identified that part of your body. All you know is that pain is your new world.
"DON'T EVEN HAVE THE GUTS TO LOOK ME IN THE FUCKING EYES WHILE I DESTROY YOU YOU BASTARD?"
You try to respond, but only manage a choked, wailing sob.
She stops, flips you over, and resumes with the beatings. Her stare never breaks.
"LOOK AT ME"
Your pinch your eyes shut. You were trying not to cry, but you weren't doing a very good job.

Gilda continues to tear into you. You might die if none of the ponies here stop her.
"FUCKING LOOK AT ME YOU COWARD! YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND WHO YOU'RE MESSING WITH!"
All your senses are blurring together. You can't distinguish one object from another or tell for sure if you heard something or tasted it.
You can still certainly make out the pain, though.
If your senses were halfway functional, you'd see that now she's crying, too.
"Why?"
Her attacks are slowing down.
"Why are you just lying there?"
She stops her assault. She's trembling a bit.
"You... what's your name?"
You sniffle and choke and sniffle again.
"G-g-g... Greg."
Gilda lets out the most soul-crushing wail you've ever heard. It's clear that something is very, very, VERY wrong.
She's gone. You don't even see her leave.
Dash comes over to you and roughly shoves a hoof into your chest.
"If you're lying or acting or whatever... If you deserve the beating G was giving you, I'm going to help next time."
She's gone, too.
You're now a sobbing, trembling mess in the middle of the floor of the very-definitely-ruined party. And you don't even know why.

After Twilight comes to help you up (why did she wait until NOW?), questions start flying.
Eventually the air is cleared and the only thing left is WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THAT GILDA CHICK? Mercilously attacking innocent griffons is not cool at all.
"We're just going to have to ask Rainbow. She seemed to know what that was."
You leave what's left of the party and go looking for Dash.
Once her house is in sight, you can clearly hear Gilda bawling incoherently while Dash awkwardly tries to assure her everything's okay.
Twilight's face is set with grim determination.
"Gilda! What is your problem! You could have killed poor Greg, here!"
She shuts up. Dash comes down.
"Look, Gilda's had... a hard life, okay?"
Dash looks at you.
"She's even more beat up about this than you."
You put on your best 'are you fucking serious' face and point a claw at yourself.
"Okay, wrong word. Really though, she needs time. Come on, let's go for a walk."
The three of you walk away. Once you get a little ways away, you can hear Gilda crying again.
Eventually, Dash stops and looks at you.
You flinch under her stare. You're a bit jumpy right now.
"I... I believe you, Greg. Your eyes are too gentle. You don't look like a rapist."

"...wat?"
"And you didn't even TRY to fight back! You just fell over and cried. I mean-"
Dash stops and smiles. You can hear approaching steps, but they don't sound like hooves.
Great, it's Gilda.
She mumbles a whole lot about needing to apologize.
Dash keeps trying to get Twilight to leave.
You have no idea how, but now she does it. Dash and Twilight run back the way they came, leaving you alone with Gilda. Shit.
Neither of you make eye contact. It is the longest and most uncomfortable silence in history.
She tries and fails to start talking. Looks like its up to you.
"Um... hi."
"..."
"So, my name's Greg. What's yours?"
"...Gilda."
"Okay. That's... that's good. Now, uh... why did you do... what you just did back there?"
"I thought you were someone else. You have no idea how sorry I am."
"You're right. I don't. It might help if you explained a bit more why you almost killed me."
"I thought you were someone who deserved it."
Oh man, what's the proper etiquette on talking to a rape victim? Is it kosher to bring it up, or do you have to let them do it? You say nothing for now.
"And the worst part is that HE WON. He's getting the last laugh, not me, because instead of getting my revenge and feeling better I'm out mauling griffons who didn't do anything and hating myself for it."
Fan-fucking-tastic, she's crying again. You don't want to be the asshole here, but it's really hard to feel sorry for the girl when she handed you your ass with extreme prejudice not even an hour ago.

Several times, you consider trying to put a comforting limb on a shoulder, but you realize you have no idea whether or not that's even a thing griffons do.
After about ten minutes, she calms down again and sighs.
"I guess he permanently fucked me up."
You stop yourself from agreeing with her, instead going for an easy question.
"Do I look like him?"
She waits.
"Kinda."
"KINDA? You didn't hesitate like I KINDA remind you of him."
"It's not just that..."
Is she... blushing now? What the fuck?
"It's the way you were standing. You were looking right at me, and you didn't even try to hide your boner. I guess I had... a flashback or something? It's pretty weird to just let everyone know like that."
You may not have mastered this body yet, but you're definitely blushing.
What exactly COULD you have done to hide it? You don't know how this damn thing works.
"So... uh... my therapist says she thinks a relationship would help me get over it. I don't know what I can do to make up for destroying you like that, but you are - or WERE, I guess - interested in me..."
She's blushing and pawing at the ground... what the ass is she...?
Oh god.
OH GOD. This bitch is CRAZY.
Your dick doesn't seem to care, and your brain is trying to make you feel sorry for her.
This is some pretty fucked up shit, coming from you AND her.
Not really sure what's happening, and for some reason unable to stop yourself or think rationally, you agree to a date tomorrow night.

The two of you were kicked out of the restaurant when you started arguing loudly.
It turns out you disagree on some key points. Like which of the ponies in town are the least lame. CLEARLY Rarity is the best and Gilda's just stupid.
Regardless, you're still together. You're walking around some little piece of nowhere on the edge of town and just letting the conversation go where it may.
Gilda's actually pretty cool. She may be a little crazy here and there, but you think you like-
GODDAMNIT.
NO. FUCK. NO. NONONONONO. Your heart belongs to Rarity. RARITY. Not this crazy bitch.
Besides, you're not into griffons.
Your dick disagrees.
Speaking of, it's been endlessly awkward each time you pop a boner and fail to conceal it. Every time, Gilda does a bad job of pretending she's not staring. What is WRONG with that girl?
There you go. That's a GREAT reason not to get involved. She's really messed up. One day your raging hardon triggers a flashback to her rape and she beats the shit out of you, the next she can't stop eyeing it like a starving creature eyeing fresh food.
Your dick still disagrees.
Oh shit, has she been talking this whole time? Nod and pretend you were listening!
"I'm... glad."
What is she glad about? What signal did you just send? This is probably bad!
"Alright, I should probably call it a night. See you tomorrow?"
"Uh... sure. 'Night, Gilda."

You return to the library. Sounds and lights from the basement make it clear Twilight is down there working on something.
You're tired anyway, so you ignore it and climb upstairs. You try to fit into your basket again.
Right. Too big. You wander over to the guest room and flop down on the bed, falling asleep within seconds.
You have a dream that you're back to your normal dragon-self and still dating Gilda. It's pretty great.
She's fun to be around, she's pretty, and best of all you're able to hide your boner now!
A weird noise at the window wakes you up.
Like a zombie, you shuffle to the window.
You can't see anything.
You go back to bed.

You have a dream about being a pony and dating Rarity. It's... okay.
You're really disappointed that it's not as amazing as you'd always imagined.
And why do you have to be a pony? Can't you just be a dragon like normal? Species shouldn't matter in the face of true love, or so you tell yourself any time you get funny looks.
You do love Rarity, right?
You barely even know Gilda!

One week later...
You're still a griffon.
Twilight's constantly working on something.
You've barely seen Rarity.
You've seen a LOT of Gilda.
But it's been a ton of fun. You even got a sneak peek at flight with this body. It's gonna be a long time before you get your real wings.
Man, Gilda's just... great.
Aaaaaand you're fairly sure it's turning serious.
Shit.
Whether you want her or not, you need to come clean.
You're not really a griffon, and she needs to know that.
You take her to up to an empty cloud.
You have something important to tell her.
She has something important to tell you, too.
The two of you simultaneously say "You first."
You both chuckle a little.
You bow and say "Ladies first."
She blushes.
You have an erection.
She maintains eye contact for once.
"Greg... I... I know this is kinda sudden, but..."
Damn. You knew you should've gone first. You try to interrupt her, but she keeps going.
"I think... I think I love you."
"Gilda, I'm not sure we-"
"Please, Greg. Let me have this. I've finally... I've finally found happiness again. You like me, don't you?"
You point at your dick.
She blushes, then laughs it off.
"Not that, Greg. You LIKE me. Right?"
You nod. She embraces you.
"Then why shouldn't we be together?"
Because you're a huge idiot, you say nothing.
You don't come home that night.

You feel... weird. You're lying on something soft, but not a bed. You open your eyes.
Blue.
The sky. Clouds. What?
OH!
Shit! You look down. Gilda. You're lying on top of Gilda. She's still sleeping, but she looks happy.
Last night was probably a mistake.
You scratch your head. Man, everything feels weird.
You see something... purple.
FUCK.
You're a dragon again. Dragons fall through clouds.
You panic, for more than one reason, and clutch Gilda tightly.
She stirs and her eyes flutter open.
She's mumbling something that sounds like good morning.
You dig your claws in tighter. You really don't want to fall.
"Geez, Greg, I didn't know you wanted to be rough-"
You pop a boner in her chest plumage. You're pressed pretty tightly against her.
Her eyes snap all the way open. She's staring at you.
You laugh awkwardly.
"You get off me RIGHT NOW or I will end you."
You start stuttering.
"C-clouds. Fall. Can't."
She looks around and sighs wearily.
"Okay listen, you caught me in what was a pretty good mood. I'm gonna set you down on the ground gently, then I'm gonna go find Greg. Neither of us are going to speak of this moment again. I'm not even going to ask how you got here or why. We'll just pretend this never happened. Sound good?"
You frown and say nothing.
"I'll take that as a yes."
She flies you down and you let go.
"I guess I am gonna ask one question... you're a dragon, right?"
You nod.
"In case you didn't notice, I'm a griffon. It doesn't... it doesn't work that way."

You were too much of a chickenshit to say anything. She flew off to go find Greg.
Twilight is happy to see you back to normal.
You're not happy about anything.
You sulk around the library for most of the day.
Eventually, Dash comes by asking where Greg went. She says Gilda's looking for him.
Twilight gives you a weird look before telling Dash she has no idea where Greg went.
Dash flies off and you die a little inside.
"Okay Spike, I need to get back to my little project. We don't know where Greg went, okay?"
You nod.
Twilight goes back downstairs.
That night, out of a newly formed habit, you went to the guest bedroom to sleep instead of your basket. You couldn't flop down onto the bed. You had to climb up to it because you're so much smaller.
You can't sleep.
You hear a weird noise at the window. It's... familiar.
There's nothing there. Right? There was nothing there the last time.
You look up and see Gilda.
You open the window and climb out onto one of the tree's branches.
She scowls at you.
"What do YOU want?"
"I could ask you the same thing."
"I'm looking for Greg."
You sigh. This is going to be hard.
After some thought, you decide to be direct.
"You're lookin' at him."
"Har-de-fuckin'-har."
"I'm serious. Last night, I meant to tell you, but things got out of hand..."
"Listen you little shit, I don't know what game you're trying to play but this isn't funny."
"Twilight was experimenting with some crazy new magic, and it went wrong. I got turned into a griffon."

"Magic can't just turn creatures into other creatures! It doesn't go catastrophically wrong without hurting someone!"
For a very brief moment, you consider a cheesy line about how she's right - it hurt her. In the heart. Because love, get it?
You decide against this.
"You haven't known Twilight Sparkle very long, have you?"
"You're a DRAGON!"
"And you're not good at listening. How do you think I got up on top of you this morning? I can't fly like this."
"But you're not a griffon!"
"The spell wore off! I turned back to normal."
"I don't know who's sick idea this prank is, but it's really not funny!"
She's about to cry.
"Gilda, it's me. Really. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I was just about to. We both said we had something important to tell eachother, remember? This was my thing."
She turns away from you without a word and flies off.
Her tears blur her vision and her flight is a little wobbly.
She almost hits a few buildings before she comes to rest on top of a cloud some distance away.
You jump down and try to follow on foot, but she's way too fast for you.
Ridiculous, incredible, unbelievable coincidence time for the purpose of convenient plot movement - guess who just happens to be flying by when Gilda lands?
Through blurry eyes, Gilda sees a griffon that looks kinda like Greg. She sighs with relief and flags him down, wiping some of the tears off her face.
He gets an almost hungry look on his face. He has an erection, and he's not hiding it.

You run back to the library, shouting Twilight's name.
She responds from the basement.
You head down the stairs and see her messing with some weird magic shit.
"I need the balloon."
"In a minute, Spike, I'm just about done here."
"Not in a minute! Right now! It's really important!
"Aaaaaand... done! Now go stand right there, Spike." She points at a symbol on the floor.
"Twilight I don't have time for this right now!"
"Spike, I'm trying to help you. Do you want to be Greg again for the next hour or not?"
Uhbwuh?
"I'm not blind, Spike. I know what's been going on. I didn't think you'd need it so soon, though. We're lucky I finished just in time."
FuckyeahTwilightSparkle.
You hop over to where she pointed, jittering anxiously.
One quick flash of light and it's over. You're a griffon again, and this time she can watch you change back if she has to.
You fly off as fast as your limited mastery over griffon physiology allows.
Once you get close to the last place you saw her, you hear an... shouting.
Over there! You spot something moving on that cloud right there and close in.
You land and see that there are... two somethings?
Gilda is fighting that griffon!
Man, she looks so badass.
Wait, why is there another griffon?
"Come on baby, you're the one who called me over! I thought maybe you came to your senses and realized you wanted more."
"FUCK YOU."
He smiles.
"That's exactly what I'm saying."
Gilda roars furiously.
Making use of the element of surprise, you go for a running tackle.
You pin him against the cloud for all of two seconds before she shoves you off effortlessly.
Gilda turns and sees you.
"Greg?"
"No. Spike. I told you."

The rapist rises and snorts angrily.
"Oh I SEE then. So this is the asshole that owns you now? So logically if I take him out, you're mine, right?"
You don't... wait... what?
Gilda snarls.
"You did enough damage to me, and who knows how many other girls. You're the one who's getting taken out."
She dives for him and pins him, much more effectively than you, to the cloud. All his limbs are held in place, and his tail swishes uselessly.
"Greg- I mean Spike... whatever. FUCK HIM UP."
You've never attacked anyone before. You're not sure if you can do it.
You try.
You sink your talons/claws/whatever the damn things are called into his belly and you rip and you tear and he screams.
It feels good.
He screams in pain.
It feels bad. No matter how horrible someone is, you can't condone this kind of violence. You reel back, remorseful already for the relatively minor injuries you've given him.
"...Let him go."
"Are you INSANE? This is HIM! THIS IS THE FUCKER WHO RUINED MY LIFE AND I NEED TO TAKE HIS!"
"Gilda, you're better than this. Killing him isn't going to undo what happened."

A little less than an hour later, he's in the custody of the Ponyville police. Gilda still can't believe you convinced her to let him go.
The two of you are in a secluded grove near the edge of the forest.
You break free from the embrace you've been in for the last five minute eternity and you look into eachother's eyes.
It's hard to read her face.
"So you... you really aren't a griffon?"
"No, Gilda. I'm not. And I'm sorry."
With a soft glowing puff of magic and smoke, you revert to your dragon form.
"But... we had something special, didn't we?"
"What do you mean HAD?"
"I mean... we can't do this, can we?"
"Why not? I love you, Gilda. Don't you love me?"
"I do, Spike. But... what do we do now?"
"What do you mean? We carry on. We go to dinner, we see a movie, we show that we care."
"But... but we can't be TOGETHER anymore."
"Why, do you not want to?"
"You're... you're a dragon. I'm a griffon. It... it doesn't work that way."
"Why not?"
"Because... you don't... we can't... how would...?"
You point at your dick. You have an erection and you're not trying to hide it.

Rainbro Dash 2 - Unresolved

Chillin' at home, watching a movie with the Dash.
Get to a scene that's part of the obligatory love story present in EVERY damn movie.
It's a little bit could. Shiver slightly.
Dash puts her wing around you.
What a goddamn bro, keepin' you warm.
She's good too, you didn't even have to say anything. She just noticed your micro-shiver and solved the fucking problem.
You turn to thank her, but she's not looking at you. She seems nervous about something. You don't say anything.
After the movie, Dash is SUPER nervous.
For serious, she's stuttering a little.
"Hey, Anon?"
"'Sup, broski?"
"Did you... like the movie?"
"Yeah. It was pretty good."
You smile.
"Your wings are warm."
She blushes.
"Are you busy tomorrow?"
"Nope."
"That's... good. See, there's this thing tomorrow..."
"And you need my help?"
"...kinda. It's... sortof like a dance."
"I don't follow."
"I don't have a date lined up for it, and-"
You think back to all the times ponies have called her a Dyke.
If they see her with a dude, boom. Problem solved. Piece of cake.
"Say no more, Dash. You're my bro. I've got your back."

Next day you meet up with Dash.
She is really pulling out all the stops here. Putting her goddamn hoof down to destroy those rumors.
Super feminine. Hair done, fancy dress, even some makeup.
You do the gun-finger-wink thing.
"Lookin' good, Dash."
She blushes. Of course, she's just doing this to prove a point. Yeah she's straight, but she isn't all prissy and it feels weird to be dolled up.
You decide not to embarass her about it anymore.
You head into the... whatever the place is. What even IS this function? You're not in fucking school or anything, who holds scheduled dances? Maybe it's a pony thing?
Speaking of pony, the ponies here sure are noticing you and Dash.
You're catching a lot of them staring at you two and trying not to get caught.
Some of them are whispering.
Mission accomplished, you guess?
Aw shit, what if now there's a whole new rumor set started about how Dash is into bestiality? Err... reverse bestiality. Whatever.
You sidle up right next to her and lean in to whisper in her ear.
She yelps in surprise. Oops.
"Sorry about that. Hey, so I'm starting to think maybe this wasn't such a good idea."
Her ears droop and her eyes look a little misty.
"Just... look around. They're whispering an awful lot. I don't want to ruin your reputation, is all."
She looks around before returning her gaze to your eyes. She gets a really warm smile.
"Thanks, Anon. This place is pretty boring anyway. Why don't we go do something more interesting?"
"Like what, Dash?"
"I'm sure we can think of something. Let's go to your place and see where the night takes us."
You grin.
"Sure."

You close the door behind you, and Dash is already stretched out on your couch.
"Isn't that gonna like, wrinkle your dress?"
"Huh? Oh, yeah, I guess."
"So take it off."
She blushes fiercely. You're not sure why. Ponies are naturally naked.
She strips out of it as quick as she can, but it gets caught on her wings. They're sticking up for some reason.
"So, it's just you and me, Dash. Whaddaya wanna do?"
She's still blushing a little, and she stammers when she tries to talk.
"Well, I thought maybe-"
Shit you're hungry. You haven't eaten all day.
Oh yeah! You've got that kickass new pie Pinkie made the other day.
Shit's super spicy 'cause it's got rainbows in it.
Real rainbows! In a pie!
"Sorry to interrupt bro, but I think first I need to take care of something that's been a long time coming. I'm gonna dive face first into sum rainbow pie."
Dash faints.

Her eyes flutter open. She's lying with her back to your floor, looking up at you.
"You okay, Dash?"
"Oh... uh... yeah. What... what was that last thing you said?"
Oh, okay then. One of those comical cartoon misunderstandings where they heard something shocking. No big deal.
"Huh? Oh, I was hungry, and Pinkie made this awesome new pie! You want some?"
I hold up the pie tin, a little less than half remains.
She sighs wistfully.
"Nah, I'm not hungry."
"Alright. Just lemme know if you need anything. Remember, I've got your back."
Dash frowns.
"You sure you're alright?"
"Well, Anon... there is um..."
She swallows a lump in her throat. Her wings are on end again.
"There is something you could do for me."
"Eh? Anything you need, I'll do what I can. I'm your bro."
"That's... part of the problem. See, I know there's all sorts of rules about bros. Things that bros should and shouldn't do... and there's a little problem."
"Okay. Maybe we can make an exception to the rules. I hate to see my bro miss out on something if I can help."
Man, she's blushing a lot today. What's up with that?
"I guess there's no point in being delicate about it. There's a hot piece of man, and I want his meat inside me."
"Hehe, gross. Well y'know, it hasn't been a problem with you before, and we can wiggle you through on a technicality."
"Really?"
"Yeah. It was meant to apply to bros chasing hoes and the need for them to consider their bros first. You're man's not a hoe, is he?"
More blushing. Of course, this is what it's all been about. She doesn't like talking about feelings and junk. True bro.
"No. He's a total bro."

"Alright, that's great, but what can I do to help?"
Dash gets a confused look on her face. Like she has no idea how to answer that. Why would she be asking for your help if she doesn't know what she needs you to do?
Whatever. A bro asks you to help out, you do what you can to help out.
"Meet me over on that one hill where we played paintball tomorrow at noon. I'll... try to make this as comfy as possible for you."
You say your goodnights and Dash walks out your door. She doesn't fly off, instead sticking to the ground.
What the hell did she do to her wings?

Next day...
You wake up pretty early and decide to go for a little walk.
It proves to be VERY eventful.
You kept swearing it was never gonna happen. You weren't a goddamn furry.
But people get lonely, and you've been here a long time...
One of the mares in town asked you out on a date.
Fuck it, you only live once. You said yes.
Now you're on your way to meet Dash, excited to help her get romantically involved as well.
Shit man, she's such a bro, she totally deserves it.
Now that your brain has shifted gears, you're actually evaluating the attractiveness of ponies.
Feelsweirdman.jpg
Dash is kinda hot. Cool? That probably improves her chances of getting some action.
"Hey bro, 'sup?"
She looks up at you.
"Hey Anon. So... why are you looking at me like that?"
"Huh? Oh... it's kinda stupid, but just today I um... alright, I'm gonna admit something and I need you to shut up and not laugh at me."
"Why would I laugh at you?"
Awkwardly stumble through an explanation of accepting ponies in a whole new way.
She blushes. Again.
What is UP with her damn wings?

"So anyway, what'd you need me to do, Dash?"
Blush returns in full force, albeit this time with a contented smile underneath.
"You mean you think I look good?"
"Well, yeah I guess. What, you lacking in confidence or something?"
"No... I just... your opinion means a lot to me."
You smile.
"Thanks, bro."
She frowns.
"Have you ever considered thinking of me as something other than a bro?"
"What? Don't tell me you're go crazy with political correctness on me. Chicks can be bros. There's no rule against that."
"That isn't what I-"
She's interrupted by the arrival of your new love interest. Snuggling up against you.
"Oh, Dash, this is the pony who finally convinced me to be a furry. I'm sure you two have met?"
Hitching sobs.
"I'm-I'm really happy for you, Anon..."
"Now, who's the lucky stallion we're gonna set you up with?"
Dash is fighting back tears now. You built her up and knocked her down. Told her you were willing to consider relationships with ponies and totally ignored her. And you didn't even have the decency to realize what you'd done or to apologize to her.
But she's a bro, and bros don't cry about their problems.
"I... I gotta go. We'll talk about this some other time."
She flies off.

OHGODWHY I THOUGHT YOU WERE DONE WITH THIS SHIT OH JESUS IT'S NOT MORE RAINBRO IS IT? PLEASE TELL ME IT IS NOT...

OHGODWHY I THOUGHT YOU WERE DONE WITH THIS SHIT OH JESUS IT'S NOT MORE RAINBRO IS IT? PLEASE TELL ME IT IS NOT...

Day 1807
You hop out of bed at the crack of noon. Shit is so cash.
You creep up to the window and glance left and right. The coast is clear.
Shut windows. Shut curtains. Open secret floorboard compartment.
Bacon. GLORIOUS bacon. The ponies don't believe in eating meat, and although they've assured you they won't arrest you or anything, it's still pretty goddamn taboo.
So you keep it secret. You have a stash of bacon that you dip into now and then, and nop0ny has to know.
It sizzles against the pan and all your troubles melt away. Today is going to be a good day.

OM NOM BACON

You pat your stomach, quite fucking satisfied thank-you-very-much, and open the windows to discover the little flaggy thing on your mailbox is sticking up.
You trundle on over to see who could possibly be mailing anything to you, only to be stunned at the sight of the royal seal.
Celestia has business with you? This is... probably not good. Did those fuckers lie to you? Is bacon actually illegal and you're about to get chucked into the sun?

Dearest Anonymous,
I hope you have been well. It has come to my attention that you are nearing the fifth anniversary of your arrival in Equestria. Unfortunately, non-citizen visitors may never stay longer than this and so you must become a citizen if you intend to stay here. There would be no issue were it not for poorly written laws and an unbelievably slow bureaucracy that refuses to allow change at a reasonable pace. I have been trying, since before your arrival, to fix this. Alas, no change has yet taken place.

I regret to inform you that there is only one path to citizenship available to you, and that is...

FUCK.

Well, you're pretty sure your legs aren't supposed to bend that way. What the shit just happened? You were reading a slightly disconcerting letter when all of a sudden there was searing pain where your brain was supposed to be and what appeared to be a crater in the ground where you/your mailbox/the letter were supposed to be. Where is that letter, anyway? The whole eight degree field of vision available to you right now offers no clues except for the color brown. Maybe you should try standing up.

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHOHGODWHY

Nope. You think you're going to go with whimpering instead because you're a huge pussy who can't handle a few shattered everythings.

"Ugh... my head... what the hay just happened?"

It's your bro! She's got this. She can bring you the ponies in white coats or the funny little pills or maybe just gallons and gallons of alcohol - really, anything to make the hurting stop.

"Dacfughuuu."

Those weren't exactly words. You cough a few times to clear your throat, and you try again.

"Dash!"

"Huh? Anon?"

Suddenly, a bright light! You remember something about how you shouldn't go toward it, but then your vision clears up a bit and you realize it's vaguely possible to turn your head.
You look around a bit and realize your body has been pounded into the ground harder than *insert some sort of really unpleasant prison rape metaphor here*.
Dash grabs your arm and pulls you up a bit, but at the cost of the remainder of your will to not cry like a bitch.
You proceed to cry like a little bitch. Shit hurts.
She looks you over and slaps you upside the head.

"Seriously? I've SLEPT through worse."

"Heh... I dunno what you're talking about."

"You're crying. Babby get a boo-boo?"

"I'm not... I'm not crying. I've just got a shitload of dirt in my eye."

That's not actually a lie, so score one you? Congratulations. You successfully pretended you weren't crying.

"Seriously, walk it off. If you really can't handle it, I guess we can get hammered until you can."

You sniff back the last few traces of your pathetic inability to cope with pain.

"S...sure. You wanna help me find my letter first?"

"Is that what you were doing out here? Checking the mail?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Oh, no reason. I just... uh... yeah, no reason. Did you get anything... interesting today?"

"Yeah. The thing I'm trying to find."

She's sweating bullets.

"Oh. Um... yeah, I'll help you out."

"Thanks, bro."

She winces slightly at this for some reason. Does she have some crazy phobia? Like, scared to death of letters or mailboxes or some ridiculous shit like that?
Whatever. She takes off like a rocket scanning the area faster than you can even goddamn blink.
She stops dead in her tracks, hunched over something for a few seconds, before she sighs heavily and turns to face you.
She looks a lot better all of a sudden.

"Here ya go, Anon. The Princess, eh? What'd you do this time?"

"Nothing. Just some bullshit about Equestrian citizenship laws and how I'm going to be forcibly removed if I don't jump through some hoops."

"Awesome. I've always wanted to see you make a complete idiot out of yourself for the amusement of ponies. Oh wait, no, not always wanted. Always enjoyed."

"Har-de-fucking-har."

"Because you do it CONSTANTLY. See, it's even funnier when I explain the joke."

"Yeah. Hilarious. So, drinking?"

"In a bit. First I wanna know exactly what kinda hoops you need to jump through here. I didn't exactly read the thing when I..."

As she's talking, she leans in to get a look at it and just kinda stops talking. Her face goes completely red.
You scan down to the end of the letter to get a look at what just spooked The Dash when you see it.
There's no way the letters are in any way out of the ordinary, but you can't convince yourself they aren't six font sizes larger and highlighted in bright neon green.

You must marry an Equestrian citizen.

Well fuck. For about a quarter of a second, your head is filled with visions of you making out with ponies. Are you wearing the wrong size pants suddenly? No, shit dammit, you're not a furry. Relax, people have sham marriages all the time for green cards. No need for anything real, just enough to give the ILLUSION that it's real.
...Your bro always has your back, right?

"Hey Dash?"
She looks at you with WIDE eyes, the red still not drained from her face.
"Could you do me a huge-ass favor?"
Her eyes somehow widen further and she sits completely still for about four seconds before disappearing in a plume of dust.
Shit, she must have gotten the wrong idea. You don't want to ACTUALLY marry her, you just want to tell everyp0ny that you two are totally in love forrealsies.
Now that you think about it, you can see how someone with a reputation like The Dash might be averse to the idea.
Fuck, you can't ask your bro to destroy her cred like that. Gotta find some other pony for this bullshit. Maybe Pinkie? She's pretty cool sometimes and isn't afraid to do/say the WEIRDEST shit.
Off to the confectionary, to bake up some sweet sweet lies.

"Hey Pinkie, wanna pretend to get married?"
"Ooh, can we also pretend to have kids and then pretend I cheated on you and you called me a stupid whore and hit me and then we had the most incredibly hot, nasty makeup sex ever?"
"...Uh, maybe? But I think we should probably pretend one step at a time?"
"Yeah, that sounds fair. Why do you want to pretend to get hitched?"
"I need Equestrian citizenship."
She scowls at you.

"You mean you want to pretend FOR REAL? Anon, how dare you! Pretend is all fun and games, but when you pretend for real you undermine the sanctity of the real for real! Do you want to destroy the institution of marriage? Do you want transgendered toasters marrying asexual bacteria? DO YOU? 'Cuz I don't! I mean, yeah, I want to throw parties for marriages like that because those would be totally bitchin', but I can throw a real party for a pretend event without the pretend being pretend for real! So since pretend not for real can still party, then the only thing pretend for real does is ruin the foundations of this country!"

Is she serious? She looks serious. You're... really unsure how to deal with... that. You decide to back away slowly while nodding. You think she mentioned Nazis in there somewhere after you stopped listening. You no longer want to pretend marry Pinkie, even if it's pretend not for real.

After you've put enough distance between you that you feel safe again, you turn around. Your timing is incredible, because you just booped your nose against Dash's right as she was landing.
Her wings flare out with a weird *pomf* sort of noise. Her face is completely red.
She's trying really hard not to make eye contact.

"So... Anon... I uh... the letter... you need to um... I mean, if you don't wanna leave... Oh jeez, PLEASE tell me you don't want to leave..."

"I don't. I want to stay right the fuck here in Ponyville. Same house, even. All my shit is in there and moving is a pain in the ass."

"Um," she swallows a lump in her throat, "so you need to 'marry' somep0ny, right?"

"Yeah. No idea who, but definitely NOT Pinkie. She's CRAZY."

"Yeah? She's Pinkie."

"No, I mean, even more than usual. Like, I'd be surprised if there wasn't cocaine in her breakfast this morning. I've seen insanity before, but never on a level like that."

"Uh-huh... okay, well, whatever's up with her, you still need to tie the knot, right?"

"Yeah. You got any bright ideas?"

She swallows another lump in her throat. "Um... me."

"Come again?"

Her wings are already out, so it's not really possible for them to do that *pomf* thing right now, but you'd swear they just tried.

"I can..." she swallows ANOTHER lump in her throat. Jeegus, there's a goddamn lump FACTORY in there. "I can do it."

"Oh, bro, no way. I couldn't ask you to do that for me. You're The Dash! What would they say?"

"Really... it's fine. I can totally do this."

"Are you sure, man? I mean... I've still got time. A couple weeks, I think. This could change your life!"

She finally makes eye contact for the first time. "Yeah. I'm game."

You think about offering a brohoof, but decide that fuck if ANYTHING deserves a hug, it's this. Bro is making a HUGE sacrifice for you.
Shut up, bros can totally hug in a straight way.
You step forward and wrap your arms around her.
She's ridiculously tense for a second, but she practically melts once you apply just a little pressure.

"Thank you, Dash. I mean that. You're going above and beyond the bro call of duty. If there's ever anything I can do to repay you, let me know and I won't rest until it's done."

A few teardrops hit your shoulder. You didn't figure Dash to be the sentimental type, but hey, men can cry too.
Shut the fuck up, yes they can!

Day 1812
You're standing as still as you can while Rarity measures you for your tux.
For some reason or other, all of Dash's friends seem pretty cool with this. Like, none of them are even questioning why you two would just suddenly up and get married.
You got a quick rundown of the system and what exactly you need to do to pass the marriage off as real, and you and Dash put together a plan.
She's going to live with you because clouds are WAY TOO GODDAMN HIGH UP FOR SOMETHING THAT CAN'T FLY and you have the whole debacle scheduled out until you'll officially be a citizen.

So yeah, Rarity is doing whatever and you're bored out of your skull. You kinda wish there didn't have to be a huge-ass ceremony, but apparently Equestria doesn't have the equivalent of the 24-hour Vegas marriage hut. A thought occurs to you.

"Hey Rarity?"

"Mmmyes, Anon?"

"You know what kinda lawyer pony I need to talk to to get a divorce?"

"What's a divorce?"

Aw, shit. No point panicking right now, so you wait until she's done with you.
You walk home, reasonably calmly.
You come in the door and turn straight for the liquor cabinet.
Dash comes trotting down the hall, having just come out of the shower.

"Oh cool, are we getting smashed?"

"You can if you want. I just need this."

"What's wrong?"

"Do you know what a divorce is?"

"Uh... no, but Twilight probably does."

You take a shot. Welp, there's a hole in your plan. For the most part it won't be so bad. Living with your bro will be awesome. Actually, shit, what's the downside here? That you can't marry some OTHER pony? Who the fuck cares?

The two of you get fitshaced and watch terrible movies, just like old times, until you're about ready to pass out.
You stand up and stumble down the hall to your bedroom.
You flop down onto your bed and close your eyes...
Only to feel another weight flop down on top of you.
Goddamnit. You only have the one bed. At least this one's easy to fix - just buy another one.

In the morning, you worry briefly about the bacon, but it turns out that's all cool. Dash isn't going to eat any herself, but she doesn't have a problem with it if you do.
She does flip out and dive for the mailbox as soon as she realizes the flag is up, though.
She yanks the mail out of there like it was the antidote to the poison she just drank, but after a second she just casually hands it to you like it ain't no thang. But she's still covered in a sheen of sweat.

Things become fairly routine. Om nom bacon, Dash dives for mailbox, alcohol and movies, pass out. You keep forgetting to buy another bed, but it's not so bad. Dash is soft and fluffy and comfy - in your inebriated state, you might even have told her this a few times.

Day 1825
It's the day of the ceremony. You're standing around in your tux, waiting for shit to get moving. This bullshit is taking WAY too long.
You are reaquainted, painfully, with the ground - as you were the day you got the letter. This time, though, your field of vision is still at twelve degrees and you can actually move on of your arms!
When the light appears and you don't go toward it, you try your best not to cry in front of... the mailmare with the funny eyes?

"Letter!"

You grab it and she flies off without another word. Well that was stupidly out-of-nowhere convenient. Like something out of bad fanfiction.
You open the letter...

Uh, hey Anon.
I'm... I'm not good at this.
Also, I'm probably more than a little wasted.
But the girls aren't letting this one go.
They keep talking about how I can't hide my feelings forever.
That it's destroying me to do this.
I'm at this stupid slumber party and they just won't...
They're making me write this.
I have to do it, because otherwise I would just suffer.
Forever.

Maybe they're right.
But you know what would be way worse?
If I told you how I felt... how I REALLY felt...
and you turned me away... I don't...
I don't think I'd be able to take it.
So I stay back because I'm afraid.
And I'm probably never going to send this.
Because I'm a coward.
But on the off chance you do read this?
I just want you to know.

I love you.

God DAMN it why are you so FUCKING STUPID?
Everything makes sense now!
Or at least, everything you KNOW makes sense.
The jury is still out on what exactly your FEELINGS are at the moment.

You sprint out of that stupid little room and go find Dash.
There are a few mares saying you can't see her today because blah blah tradition something something don't care.
You walk straight up to her.

"The mail. Why did you keep checking it?"

"What? Anon, aren't-"

"You were REALLY interested in the mail. Why?"

"I just... look, the girls made me write something I didn't want you to read, okay?"

"Sure. But then why keep checking the mail?"

"Because I wanted to stop you from getting it."

"So somep0ny sent it?"

"I don't know. It disappeared."

Your feelings come into focus. You know exactly what you need to do, and there is absolutely no time to waste.

"... The wedding is off. I'm not marrying you today."

The way she recoils at those words... it's awful. It's like you kicked her in the stomach. And having kicked her in the stomach is like getting kicked in the stomach herself. A feedback loop of agony, and not the funny kind like when you get slammed into the ground and can't stop being a bitch about it. The truly, truly awful kind of pain. The kind that makes some people too terrified to act or speak.
Her eyes are welling up with tears. You turn around and walk out, determined to find the ponies you need to see and set everything right, no matter how painful.

Dash doesn't leave her cloud house for three days. Ponies passing underneath can hear the occasional wail or sob, but that's the only sign of her.
You're busy. It hurts to see her in pain like this, but you have work to do, and so do the others.
Finally, everything is ready. You stand under Dash's house and yell to get her attention.

"Go away! I'm not home!"

"Yes you are, and I really REALLY need to talk to you."

"About WHAT?"

"What do you THINK?"

There's a brief silence, some shuffling, another silence, and then Dash slowly floats down.
She looks awful. Like she hasn't slept or stopped crying in days.
You pull out her letter and drop it on the ground in front of her.
She looks down at it, pure unfiltered horror on her face.
Before she can break out into a renewed series of soul-wrenching tears, you drop down on one knee.

"Dash... will you marry me?"

Her face is confusion itself.

"But you... the wedding... I don't..."

"A very wise mare once told me that when you pretend for real you undermine the sanctity of the real for real. I couldn't go through with that sham. It wasn't... it wasn't grounded in honest feelings. It was all lies, and you deserve better. So very VERY much better. In fact, that's what I've been working on. It's cost me nearly all the bits I had to my name, and I had to call in a SHITLOAD of favors with your friends, but I did it. If we're getting married, we're doing it right. No expense spared on the outfits, the ceremony, the entertainment, the catering... this is gonna be big. HUGE. Better than the wedding between Shining Fuckwit and Princess Unimportant."

"When?... I..."

She's crying more than before, but the tears aren't accompanied by the wretching, sobbing motions or the awful wailing.

"Why would you put me through that?"

"Because I'm a retarded asshole who never thinks about the consequences of his actions or the feelings of others. If I had one shred of common sense or empathy, I probably would have figured it out ages ago and done the right thing to begin with. But I didn't, because I don't, because I suck. I suck so, SO hard. So what do you say? Do you want to marry a dumb shit like me?"

She kicks you in the face.
HARD.

"Yeah, I do. Now get up."

Day 1830

"Did you ever find out how you got the letter? Or why it didn't show up in your mailbox? Or what cruel universe decided it should be delivered on the day of the fake wedding?"

"I asked Twilight what happened to it. She didn't know. It just up and vanished one day when Spike was cleaning the place. You know what else, though? I checked some books on Equestrian law. To earn citizenship, all I have to do is ask Celestia or Luna and they can grant it."

"But isn't Celestia the one who sent you the-"

"Yup."

"She... wow. WOW. That SLY BITCH!"

"Inorite?"