Twilight's a B****!
Disclaimer: Don't read this. Please. Just don't read this. This story will give you stupidity in the fifth degree. If you're an admin, ignore this story. Skip over it. If I do ever submit this, exclude this story from your mind and erase its existence from your submission box and/or mail box.
KABOOM!!!
Okay! There's an explosion. Hope it grabbed your attention past the opening warning. Anyway, Fluttershy was walking timidly, as always, towards Sugar Cube Corner, because the only bakery in this monopolized town is Sugar Cube Corner. Her pink mane was completely out of control, however, but this has absolutely no relevance to the plot so I'm going to skip over how she fought a bear and killed fourteen squirrels by screaming, "You're going to love me!"
She entered the store with her messed up mane and Pinkie Pie shot up from behind the counter with pieces of glistening blue fur in her teeth.
"Hi, Fluttershy!" Pinkie Pie said with a natural, yet ungodly, amount of happiness. Seriously, how happy can anypony be with a squad of princesses that...never mind, I'm not getting into that here. But the other thing in her voice was fear and apprehension. Fluttershy noticed this anxiety out of the simple fact that Pinkie Pie was never nervous. She remembered how she was smiling even when Nightmare Moon had come to kill them all in a flurry of fire and torture, but was defeated by a flamboyant rainbow that sprouted out of Twilight's forehead. "I swear that I had locked that door. We are closed today, so you'll have to come back tomorrow!"
"But I need Angel's cupcakes," Fluttershy said with a sincerity that could only have come from the Bearer of the Element of Kindness and Being Way Too Shy to the Point of No One Knowing Who She Is After Twelve Years in Ponyville. Yes, that last one is actually from the Elements of Derp.
(BTW: Brony-points to any of you that have either kept reading out of stupidity and have lost two thousand brain cells by now, or by waiting for the second explosion)
"Why does she need them today?" Pinkie asked with an impatient glare.
"He...uh...um...lost some squirrely friends today...and um...needs help getting through the ordeal." At this point, I want to break the fourth wall of narrating once more, because that's probably why most of you have kept reading. If Angel's friends died today, then how was there an order placed already. Even if it has been a few hours since placing the order, the order would still not be done simply because there are about two thousand ponies in Ponyville at least and they all go to Sugar Cube Corner for bakery goods, because the monopoly thing earlier. Plus, here in a minute *spoil alert* you're going to find out that Pinkie and Dash are doin' it behind the counter and haven't had time for baking...well, baking cupcakes at least.
Okay, back to this fascinating story.
"Well, we don't have them yet. Come back tomorrow," Pinkie said hastily as she pushed Fluttershy out of the bakery.
"Achoo!" Fluttershy heard from behind the counter. That sound could only have come from one mare in the world; the only mare with that tomboyish accent.
"Is Rainbow Dash behind the counter? What are you two doing?" Fluttershy's curious questions began making Pinkie Pie's eye twitch with anxiety and her constant smile slowly deform into a terrible scowl.
And out of nowhere her voice rang out followed by the front door being slammed onto Fluttershy's muzzle, "Twilight's a b****!!"
Fluttershy rubbed her snout softly and placed her ear to the door.
"Is she gone?" Rainbow Dash said softly.
"Yeah. Where were we?"
At the first sound of "mmmm", Fluttershy turned around to run off but immediately ran into a large, muscular pony with wings, a horn, and a cutie mark of what appeared to be a video game controller plugged into a computer that was running Microsoft Word with the words Dragon's Random One Shot Story That Is Ponyfied with a Single Explosion on it.
...
Okay, fine. A weak and pathetic looking Earth pony clashed snouts with the shy and timid Fluttershy. Can't let me have an awesome ponysona...F*** y'all.
"Oh, I'm s...sorry," the stallion said completely filled with fear. Oh! Of course I'm a pus...I don't even care anymore...
"No, no, no! I'm sorry!" Fluttershy said in reply with a sincere earnest. "I should've paid attention to where I was going. Please don't be angry."
"Oh, no! I should've seen you coming out of there. I wasn't paying attention."
And thus began a four hour long apology session where the stallion eventually exploded at the sound of his true name.
"What happened here?!" Princess Twilight Sparkle said as she glided down to see a massive crater where the stallion had been. Fluttershy began tearing up and looked at her friend who she embraced quickly.
"I didn't mean to! I didn't mean to make him explode!"
"What did you say!?" the new princess exclaimed. "Did you give him the stare and make him rage quit life?"
Fluttershy shook her head, tears quelling. "I called him a douche..."
Oh, my God. I'm done...this one shots a piece of crap. F*** narration. FIMfiction can do whatever they want with this abomination of nature and literature. I can't believe I wasted my time with this! This is definitely not going on my resume. If you enjoyed this I hope you also enjoy your place in the pits of hell and/or purgatory. This will be played with Morgan Freeman's voice on the elevator ride and it will melt your ears out of your skull. I can't do...
(Intermission) (New Voice Actor)
"You called him a douche?" Princess Twilight Sparkle said confusedly. She was more curious now than fearful. "What's a...douche?"
"I don't know!" Fluttershy squeaked. She sobbed heavily into Twilight Sparkle's shoulder who embraced the Pegasi with her wings. "I j-just s-said it b-because he w-wouldn't accept m-my apology and because h-he kept apologizing to me-he-he-heeee!
Twilight Sparkle made a flat expression and looked up into the sky hoping for the fourth wall to be broken for a comical relief. But when none came, she simply shushed her crying friend and said, "It's okay. When the old narrator gets back, he can make things better again."
"Who's Narrator?" Fluttershy whimpered, still stuttering her syllables.
The princess did not respond. How could she? Even she didn't know who Narrator was. All she knew was that he talked about their lives to others with a silky smooth voice. But he was gone now. As though he was replaced with a placid and non-amused voice actor that kept everything professional. A voice actor that kept it boring. A voice actor that kept his composure through all the horrid things that Twilight had imagined doing to the new narrator of the story. But what she didn't realize was that this new narrator was capable of stealing her wings from her.
"Hey!" the princess exclaimed. "I heard that."
And the narrator knew this. So the narrator revoked the purple alicorn's wings.
"What!?" Twilight looked at her back and saw that her wings were no longer present. "Hey?! What's wrong with you?"
"Twilight, who are you yelling at?" Fluttershy squeaked. "And what happened to your wings?! I'm scared!"
Yes, Twilight. Explain to Fluttershy that there is a voice that only you can hear. A voice that narrates the lives of all your pony friends. Including the more intimate events. Imagine the psychological trauma you'll cause her. Oh, how delightful this is to have an entire world at my whim! Why would the previous narrator give up such a position of power. If I wanted to right now, I could easily ship you and Fluttershy together! I could make Discord ruler! I could make myself ruler! I don't have to follow the story of this seventeen year-old, nostalgic, fan-boy's fanfiction! I can make this my story! I can do as I wish. I think I'll change the title while I'm at it. I think I'll change it to...
Hmm...tell me Twilight; what should I name this fantastic story of mine that will last an eternity. Tell me who you love most and so I can forcibly ship them or kill them off. Tell me, Princess Twilight. Tell me.
"I'm scare, Twilight. I'm scared." Fluttershy shook as Twilight Sparkle shook as well.
"I'm scared too. I'm scared too." She shook her head. "I don't want to be forcibly shipped..."
Fluttershy, without looking up from the crook of Twilight's neck, said in pathetic little whimper, "Can I be shipped?"
Twilight looked down at her friend in shock. "What?!"
"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to say that! What does that even mean!? I''m so scared!"
Oh, come now Fluttershy. If only you knew the true extent of my power over this little world of yours. The author hasn't even stopped me from messing with his story, so what could possibly stop me?! I am in control of all of you! I am your GOD!!
(Intermission)(Door kicked open)(Fighting)(New Voice Actor)
And then the previous narrator was replaced by the author who really doesn't like narrating his own stories. Fluttershy never actually said she wanted to be forcibly shipped, Twilight never lost her wings, and nopony can hear the Narrator ever again. There. Now it can be a story.
Fluttershy watched the pony explode at the sound of the word "douche". At the sight of organs and entrails falling to the ground before her, she screamed in fear and ran back into Sugar Cube Corner. She screamed in disgust at the sight of Pinkie Pie making out with Rainbow Dash on top of the counter. She immediately ran out of the bakery, but when the head of the explosive pony fell in front of her after way too long of drifting in mid-air, the shy pony yipped and ran off back towards her cottage just outside of Ponyville.
There's my story. My God. Granted, this story was created out of a lucid, semi-high dream I had, but come on! It can't be that impossible to read a script. It's just descriptions and words. I'm hiring Morgan Freeman next time.
Well, I'm back. Not because I wanted to but apparently this teenage fan-boy has me locked in a fool-proof contract. I am now forced to narrate his bewilderingly stupid fanfictions. I did however take some notes from the narrator who had replaced me last time. I think that I'll do a few things along his nature just in case the story gets out of hand. By the way, if I hadn't intervened and stopped, the entire story would have actually ended in a blood orgy with Rarity's head on a pike and Twilight having her wings torn off.
I assume the author would like for me to stop rambling and read this new and exciting story of his! Yah...
Scootaloo raced through Ponyville with her back pack strapped tightly to her back. She soared through the sky with a fairy like....
Oh no no no! I know little of this show MLP but I do know that Scootaloo cannot fly. the author didn't even put an explanation in the story how she learned to fly or anything. This is simply too mislead to keep. (Erasing)(Scribbles) There. Finished.
Scootaloo shot through the air with her back back tightly in her arms. She was so giddy and happy that she had finally learned how to fly that she couldn't wait to tell Rainbow Dash. But how would she tell her idol that the only reason that now knew how to fly was because she was thrown from a cliff by Sweetie Belle and Applebloom in a fit of blood drunk sacrificial insanity?
See? It's much better now. I even kept the fan-boys own style of writing and how incredibly idiotic the thought process is.
But Scootaloo was in a hurry to get home. She was...
Hmmm...Hold on. Give me a second. I need to look through this. (Shuffling) Are you serious? Is this another clopfic? Is that really all you can write? Clopfics are just disgusting. I mean who in their right mind...okay. Calm down. Not here. Jt get this done and you can finish off watching the final season of Supernatural when you get home.
But Scootaloo was in a hurry to get home. She was in desperate need for...(sigh)...a good ol' romping from her baby daddy, Sir Biggy Smalls....(sighs).
Whatever.
At her front door, Scootaloo knocked on it.
What? It's her house! She doesn't need to knock! Oh my God! (Erasing)(Scribbles)
At her front door, Scootaloo walk inside. Inside she saw a large, muscular, all black Earth pony delving deeply in a game of romp with yet another mistress. Had this been the end of Scootaloo's relationship with Biggy Smalls? Nope. Scootaloo went over to Biggy Smalls and...
I can't do it. Seriously. Biggy Smalls is dead, Scootaloo isn't even twelve, and I'm pretty sure admins will not allow this to be posted to their fine website. This author is done. This story is no longer his. It is no longer literature. I'm erasing this abomination for existence and I don't care if I get sued over it.
(Steps fading away)(Door slams shut)(New Voice Actor that sounds a lot like Morgan Freeman)
Scootaloo bent down and embraced Biggy Small's large test...
Oh my, lord. What profound literature. The last narrator was right to have left. This is not a story. I, Morgan Freeman, will not allow such monstrosity to become a published work. I will have the Golden Actor's Guild ban this piece of writing and have it removed from existence. I do not wish to be known for narration such an horrid item.
(Gunshot)(Several Hours Later)(New Voice Actor that sounds a lot like Tara Strong)
I can't believe I was forced into narrating this. This is against the law. You can't just kidnap people and make them read your stories! Oh my! Put the gun down, you maniac! Okay, I'll read your stupid story..(Silence) My God, a fanfiction...a clopfic! You might as well shoot me!
(Gunshot)(Several Hours Later)(New Voice Actor that sounds a lot like Fluttershy)
I...I don't understand. What am I doing here? W-where am I? Who are y-you? What do you mean I have to read your story? What's a gun? (Gunshot) EEP!! Okay! I'll...I'll read your story!
Scootaloo...aw. I like Scootaloo. She so adorable and nice. She reminds me a lot of Rainbow Dash.
(Hammer Being Pulled Back)
Scootaloo reached...down and...Oh my goodness. This is not right. She's only a filly! You dirty, dirty pony-thing. Whatever you are! I can't read about Scootaloo doing such a thing! She's too innocent!
(Gunshot)(Silence for Several Hours)
No one wants to read my story...No one. Not even my clopper friends. I have nothing to live for anymore...
(Gunshot)(Thud)
And with that the story of how SaveTheDragons killed himself after murdering two actors and an imaginary pony came to end. I hope you enjoyed this story as much as I did when I went back and wrote over the horrid clop that this idiotic fan-boy made.
