A Situation Most Dire

by spigo

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Comedy
Length: 1858

Celestia's birthday cake is gone. She intends to find the criminal responsible.

Celestia wakes to find her birthday cake missing, and begins a full investigation to find the responsible party.

Written for One-Shotober.

Published 2013-10-31 21:30:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-31 21:30:03 UTC

A Heinous Crime

Celestia's eyes snapped open, and it took her a moment to realize why she was smiling. She gave her silk pillow another minute of sweet embrace, whispered a promise to return later and, that done, heaved herself out of bed. She tried to rub the sleep out of her eyes, and had to spend a few minutes searching for the door before shuffling out onto the marble balcony.

The moon hung low on the western horizon, just about ready to tuck in for the night — or day, as it were. She sent it on its way, raising the sun in the east to take its place. She ambled back inside and smiled as she glanced over the grooming implements on her dresser, her messy ethereal mane waving at her from the mirror. She wouldn't have to use a single one of them today, not even the brush — for what little good it usually did her mane.

She trotted into her study, turned and skipped down the stairs, humming a cheerful tune under her breath. It was the one day a year she had to herself, and she intended to get right to it. She didn't have to pretend to like the nobles, or hold court, and to top it all off, Ms. Parsley and the other Royal Bakers had been working all night on a magnificent three-tiered cake.

She bounced down the hall toward the dining room. They would already have the cake set out for her, she imagined. She earned a few bemused looks from the several servants in the halls, but couldn't bring herself to care.

Maybe Luna would be there. She'd have to spend some time with her later; they rarely seemed to meet these days. She passed a squawking broom closet and pushed open the door to the feast hall. It took her a few moments after stepping inside to recognize what was not sitting on the feast table. Her pupils dilated, and she gasped.

She whirled around and shot out of the room. She had to summon the guards, lest the perpetrator get away. She bound toward the foyer, stopping only to send an idle servant to fetch the Royal Guard. She waited at the top of the stairs, shifting on her hooves. Exactly nine minutes later, they began to file into the room, several bleary-eyed and groaning.

When they had assembled, she cleared her throat and assumed her most calm "dealing with a disaster" face. "Guards. This is a situation most dire. A heinous crime was committed this morning, and I suspect the criminal still lurks somewhere in the Palace."

A few of them started, but most remained stony-faced. She waited a few moments for her words to sink in, then continued. "It shakes me to even imagine that somepony did this. I shudder to think what depravity it must have taken. What I am about to describe may shock you. I ask only that you try to be brave in the face of such evil."

She took a deep breath. "My valiant little ponies… the Royal Birthday Cake has been stolen."

Many of them blinked, or else kneed their sleepy friends, if they hadn't already. She felt somepony brush up against her, but whatever they wanted, it wasn't important enough to interrupt her speech. "I know. It is disturbing, horrifying, even. I know it will be difficult, but Canterlot needs you to be brave. I need you to be brave." She grimaced. "Shut the gates. Search the castle. No room is too insignificant, no hiding spot too absurd, and no pony above suspicion. My thoughts and prayers go with you."

The crowd dispersed, and she watched as they filed out of the foyer. After they had gone, the pony beside her coughed into her hoof. "Err… sister?"

She glared at her. "What?"

Luna winced. "Don't you think you might be ov—"

"I am certainly not! This is a grave matter, Luna." She turned and trotted toward the kitchen. Her sister fell into step beside her, her star-spangled mane wavering behind. "I am not overreacting. The Royal Cake is missing. There is no situation less serious."

Luna twitched, and cast a sidelong glance at her sister. "Is it possible that you, err… ate it already, sister?"

Celestia pinned her ears back. "No, and I wonder where you would even get such a preposterous idea."

"I suppose I don't have to remind you of a certain day, around, oh, 1,300 years ago?"

She scowled. "No. There is no doubt in my mind this time." She glanced at her sister, a suspicious look on her face. She noticed her sister wasn't wearing her regalia, and bore a few fresh scratches in its place. "Why do you care if I look for it, hmm? Why aren't you wearing your crest? Did you steal my cake?"

Luna flinched, then straightened up and rolled her eyes. "Do not be ridiculous, sister. You may ask the librarian. We were in the library the entire time."

Celestia grumbled something unintelligible, but said nothing else until they reached the kitchen. She burst through the door, Luna a few steps behind, and glanced around the room. Several brightly-colored ponies around the room worked on baked goods in various states of completion. A wave of heat washed over them as they passed a rack of cooling cakes and tarts.

Celestia stalked over to a servant carrying a platter of baked goods and stuck her nose in the mare's face. "Where is it?"

The mare flinched away from her, whimpering. Luna coughed. "Sister… ."

Celestia shot a glare at her over her shoulder, then looked back at the mare. "You delivered the cake."

The mare hesitated, and nodded. Celestia leaned an inch closer, her breath sending strands of the mare's messy purple mane flying. "And you were the last pony to have seen the cake, correct?"

The mare squeaked, and nodded a second time. Luna shifted on her feet, expression uncertain. "Sister… ?"

A manic grin slashed across Celestia's maw. "Is it or is it not true that this morning, in a fit of frenzied gluttony, you spirited away the Royal Birthday Cake of one Princess Celestia and devoured it in the dark like a soulless little cretin?"

Luna clapped a hoof on her sister's shoulder and heaved her back. "Sister!"

Celestia tore away from her. "Well? Is it? Did you steal my cake?!"

The servant flinched, and backed into a corner, whimpering, her eyes wide. Celestia whipped around and glared at Luna. "See what you did? I was this close to a confession, and then you had to butt in. I hope you're happy with yourself."

Luna glanced at the mare. "If you say so, sister. I must ask, when is the execution date?" The mare squeaked, and Celestia rolled her eyes. "That was a joke. But perhaps we should interrogate the others? Just to be safe."

Celestia scowled. "I am quite certain that we already have the perpetrator."

"Of course, but it would be wise to make sure. We, er, wouldn't the true criminal to escape her justice, correct?"

Celestia bit her lip and fidgeted. After a moment, she sighed. "No. No, I wouldn't. Alright, then." She turned and trotted out of the room, Luna behind her. "I have somepony in mind to question, anyway."

Luna blinked. "If we may ask… who?"

They rounded a corner, and Celestia stepped into the guest lobby. Several of the few ponies inside gaped, but the pale blond unicorn in the back simply smiled at her. "Blueblood."

She marched over to him, teeth bared and eyebrow twitching. A pair of ponies murmured to each other in the background. "Odd to see you awake so early, nephew. Care to explain yourself?"

Prince Blueblood smirked at her. "I just thought I'd wish you a happy birthday, auntie. Why? Is there some reason I shouldn't be awake?"

She leaned in closer. "You're awake early. My birthday cake is missing. Coincidence?"

Luna shifted, half-smiled and shook her head. Blueblood feigned shock. "You think I would do such a thing, to my favorite aunt of all ponies?" Celestia's face remained stony, and he relented. "In any case, you have no evidence, or else I would be in queue for the gallows rather than standing accused. Was there anything else?"

Celestia's expression flickered. "Fine. Deny it all you want. For what it's worth, may I ask if you saw anything?"

His eyes flickered to Luna, and she became intensely interested in one of the wall sconces. "As a matter of fact, I did."

He stretched, but before he could speak, a guard skidded to a halt outside the entrance. "Your Majesty, there is something you must see."

Celestia scowled at Blueblood. "This isn't over, nephew."

He smiled back at her.

She cantered after the guard. Luna glanced at Blueblood, then followed. They careened town the hall side-by-side, the guard leading them. A minute later, they came to a halt in the hall outside the dining room just in front of a closet, where a pair of surly-faced guards watched the door.

The guard leading them stopped, and gestured to the closet. "We believe we may have caught the perpetrator, Your Majesty."

A series of soft coos and caws drifted out of the closet. Luna's expression turned alarmed, and she backed away. Celestia advanced on the door, steel in her eyes. She grasped the knob in her magic and turned it.

A moment later, she flung it open with enough force to send the guard behind it crashing through the plaster wall. Smoke and fire belched from her nostrils, and she glared into the closet, ready to rain righteous rage down upon its occupant.

A tiny phoenix sat among the brooms and bottles in the closet, its beak covered in icing, its beady yellow eyes staring up at her. Shock slipped into Celestia's expression, though not enough to crowd out the rage.

In one claw, it gripped a hefty piece of jewelry emblazoned with the emblem of the Moon Princess.

For once, the Golden Oaks Library was quiet. Twilight sat hunched over a well-worn copy of Magicks Obscure and Their Sources, a coffee cup placed on the table where she couldn't easily spill it. She finished a section about enchanted apiculture, sighed, and turned the page to a chapter on fungal magic.

Before she could begin to read, however, the room began to quake. A sound followed which might have been mistaken for a sudden continental shift, her stomach churned and her coffee cup pitched over. She watched for what felt like hours as it sailed down toward the table's surface, liquid threatening to stain the pages.

And it twisted onto the floor, the drink missing the book entirely. The cup itself shattered on the floor. She sighed. A moment later, the earthquake subsided, and she crept into the kitchen to fetch the broom and dustpan.

If she didn't know better, she might have said that the earthquake sounded suspiciously like Celestia shouting her sister's name.

But Princesses didn't use such vulgar language.