Bear With Me

by spigo

Rating: everyone
Tags: Adventure, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Comedy
Length: 2312

While on a trip to investigate rumors of the Crystal Empire's return, Royal Guard Grass Hopper runs into some trouble involving a bandit and the local wildlife.

While on a trip to investigate rumors of the Crystal Empire's return, Royal Guard Grass Hopper runs into some trouble involving a bandit and the local wildlife.

Written for One-Shotober.

Published 2013-10-31 21:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-31 21:50:02 UTC

Guards Don't Skip

There are many places in Equestria that can be called peaceful, even idyllic. The sort of places where rabbits munched on grass, rainbows filled the sky and pegasi ran the weather. The kind of towns where ponies frolicked through town in their spare time, embarking on charmingly wacky misadventures, the sort of places where the most dangerous thing that might happen is a scheduling mishap.

The North Forest was not one of those places.

Even the maddest of mad zoologists refused to visit, let alone stay for the night. Between satyrs, basilisks, and giant monkeys that throw rocks at your tent at three in the morning when you're trying to sleep, it didn't make it an inviting place to visit. It didn't perhaps have the reputation of the Everfree Forest to the south, but no pony in her right mind thought it would be a great place for a camping trip, or a morning stroll.

Grass Hopper was not, in fact, a pony in his right mind. At the moment, he was whistling as he strolled down the dirt trail in complete obliviousness to his surroundings. His dingy brass armor clanked loud enough to wake several dead squirrels, who promptly began demanding of their relatives to know where their stockpile of nuts had gone to guilty responses.

He looked up in his slow, dim way, and glared. "Excuse me. I am not oblivious. I know exactly where I am." He paused. "And my armor isn't dingy. It's rustic."

Wait. You can hear me?

"Of course I can. You talk too loud, by the way. Too wordy, too."

Next time I want your advice, I'll ask. Now, shall we get on with it?

He sighed. "Yes, let's."

The scent of pine filled the air as he trudged down the trail, twigs crunching under his hooves. A few birds chirped, as well. Someone ought to have demanded that they stop. It was a noisy enough scene.

The day was, in his unintelligent mind, going particularly well. He had gotten up early, and set out on his mission. It had been five days since he left Canterlot, and he was already halfway to the Crystal Empire. If he continued his pace, he might be able to return home by next week and deliver his report to the Princess. He predicted that things would go quite well today.

Let it never be said that Grass Hopper was a fortune-teller. He managed to skip down the path for another ten minutes before he ran into the first sign that his day was going poorly. A dead tree trunk covered in moss, mushrooms, and something that looked suspiciously like the creamy filling of a deceased pie lay over the path.

He halted a few steps away from it. "I marched. I didn't skip."

You skipped. I was watching.

"Royal Guards do not skip. I'm telling you, I marched."

Fine. You marched. Now, can we move on?

"I suppose so."

He approached the log and glanced around. The trail ahead had mysteriously vaporized sometime between the time that the map had been charted and the time it took for Celestia to get up that morning. He'd have to guess where it picked up again. He sighed, and began to skip — march through the trees and underbrush.

Fifteen minutes later, he stepped into a small clearing. A spring filled the center, its waters forming a shallow pond. A few toothy-looking rabbits shot off into the forest at the sight of him. As he stared into the azure waters —

"Blue."

Pardon?

Grass Hopper cleared his throat. "It's blue water. Not azure." He hesitated. "I guess it's sort of bluish and sort of green… ish, really."

I am telling the story, and I can assure you that the water is azure.

"Well, I was there, and I say it's bluish-green."

What difference does it make what color it is?

He scowled up at the sky, as if he thought that's where he'd find the object of his displeasure. "'Azure' is a pretentious word that really just means blue. And it's not even blue. It's bluish-green." He paused. "Or maybe greenish-blue."

Fine. As Grass Hopper stared into the bluish-green waters, the first thought in his self-absorbed little mind was that he hadn't had a drink in several hours. He crept over to the pond as if in a trance and lowered his head to the water.

And sniffed it.

He wrinkled his nose. "I'm not drinking this."

And why in Equestria not?

"I've smelled plenty of ponds. It's not safe. Do you know the kinds of things that go into some forest springs?"

Err… no? Look, it's fine. I say it's fine.

"It isn't." He glanced over the pond a moment, then stepped into the water.

What are you doing?

He lowered his head into the water and plucked an iron object the size of a small drinking mug out of it. It looked something like a flattened tennis ball with a beard, or a pie tin with a pendulum. Or perhaps a key. He stuffed it into his pouch. "I'm taking this."

You'll take a strange object from the spring, but you won't drink from it.

He splashed out of the spring and shook himself off. "Exactly."

A few more minutes of marching later, he took up the trail again, although it was still missing a half-dozen large chunks of path. If he were a more intelligent pony, he might've wondered why the path was so ill-traveled. He wasn't.

The forest animals on this section of the path were quiet. He could hear no birds, and no squirrels rustled in the trees. Also, no giant monkeys with rocks. That was almost disappointing. It also happened to be unusual. He slowed his pace, and pinned his ears back. Perhaps he'd finally realized where he was.

Something rustled the bushes on the right side of the road just ahead, and he halted, staring at them. Perhaps he thought he'd reveal the trespasser with his stare of justice. If so, he was incorrect. Or, perhaps he wondered briefly if the Royal Guard would cover the damage if he was assaulted and left for dead by a giant monkey with rocks and managed to survive.

In any case, he stood and stared for a few moments. When the bush didn't move again, he took a few steps toward it and bared his teeth. "Show yourself!"

A mare fell out of the bush a moment later, apparently having tripped. Her eyes were wide, presumably with shock at the idea that there was anypony else stupid enough to wander this deep. She shook herself, and scrambled to her hooves.

She took taking lurched toward him, shaking. "Stop! Don't move."

He blinked. "Excuse me?"

The mud mottling her green mane and pale blue coat obscured her cutie mark. It also suggested she'd recently fallen out of a bush. She shook. "This is a robbery. I w-want everything you've got, now, or else!"

He curled his lip at her. "And what if I refuse?"

Her mouth dropped open for a moment in shock. She pulled herself into what she must have thought was an intimidating stance, and tried to scowl. "I'll… I'll…" she sighed, "I know kung-fu! And-and so… solariosis!"

Grass Hopper shook his head, scowling, and continued his trudge down the path, shouldering past her. "I'm on a mission for the Princess. I don't have time to foalsit a two-bit freeloader."

She scrambled after him, her face twitching in thought. "I'll sing off-key at you!"

He stopped. She bumped into him, and stumbled back a few steps. He whirled around and scowled. He was doing a lot of that lately, that scowling. "I'm a Royal Guard doing his duties. If you keep after me, I'll have no choice but to stop you. I'll give you one warning. Leave now, and I won't have to. Understand?"

She squeaked, nodded, and half-rolled, half-turned as she scrambled to her hooves. She scampered away into the trees, and he watched her leave. Eventually, she vanished into the underbrush. I suppose Celestia doesn't hire guards for their wit, or tact.

He sighed, and returned to the path. "Shut it."

He kept going for another thirty minutes before the path dropped off again, and he continued his amble through the woods. He'd have to pick up the trail again eventually, if he kept following it on his map. Of course, he was assuming he could read the map correctly, which was doubtful.

A dozen minutes of walking later, he heard a twig snap behind him in the brush, halted and glanced over his shoulder. Nothing moved, but he was sure he'd heard something. Whether or not he'd actually heard something was debatable.

In any case, he hulked over to within a few steps of the bushes and tried to peer through. He couldn't see anything, but in his mind, that didn't mean there wasn't anything there. He stepped into the brush, but couldn't feel anything.

He took another step, and his hoof came out from under him.

He screamed, or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that he squealed. After what felt to him like several minutes of dignified distress, he landed hard on a rocky floor. it took a moment for him to pull himself together and recognize where he was.

The room, wherever or whatever it was, was dark. He'd landed in a pool of water, and it was trying to invade the exposed patches of his fur. He got up and put an end to that. The second thing he noticed — or the third, really — was the sound of heavy breathing.

Something bumped into him, and squeaked. He recognized the tone. "Hello?"

Whoever it was, she moaned. "Oh, no."

His face twitched in recognition. It was about time, too. "You're the bandit that tried to mug me an hour ago, aren't you?"

She glanced down, and pawed the ground. "Um… what if I said 'no?'"

"You've been following me, haven't you?"

"N… no?" She looked all around him. "It was my-my… cousin! She looks just like me, I swear."

He groaned. He was about to tell her off, but something stirred in the darkness. He squinted, and peered over her shoulder. She glanced around, but neither of them could see anything. He took a blind step, and his hoof landed on something soft and squishy.

It was about then that he noticed that the things he'd thought were lumpy boulders were actually bear cubs.

He held his breath, and waited. She watched, apparently having noticed their friendly, fluffy company as well. After a few moments that were disappointingly not filled with the sound of a bear waking up, he exhaled and glanced at her. He thought about leaving her there for a minute.

He glared up at the cave ceiling. "I did not!"

"What?"

He blinked, and shook himself. At least none of the bears had woken, he thought. "Nevermind. Just be quiet. I want you to follow me."

She didn't argue, surprisingly enough. She should've. It wasn't a very good idea to follow him. She fell back behind him, and he stepped around the first bear. His eyes had adjusted, and the cave entrance wasn't too far. They'd only have to step around three or four cubs to get there.

He came to a pair of cubs laying together and reached out over them slowly. They breathed slowly. One of them slowly began to roll over. You get the point. It finished a moment later. After what must have been a small eternity, he placed his hoof on the other side and pulled himself over.

The bandit mare just walked around them.

He plodded around a stalactite and another bear cub, and had taken a few steps toward the tunnel when something large and dark lurched across the entrance. It looked very much like a bear. He froze.

The bandit walked into him from behind, and squealed. He stumbled a few steps to the left, and waited. The shape stalked toward them. He held his breath, and his companion held hers. It paused next to him, and sniffed the air. Perhaps he thought that if he stood perfectly still, it might mistake him for a stalactite. Or a wall sign. Or a bear cave tourist.

In any case, it didn't. It crept over to him, and sniffed him. It swept one groping paw across his back, apparently looking for something. He waited, saying a prayer to Celestia that he wouldn't end up an example for a public awareness campaign, or else something interesting to look at in a museum.

A moment later, it swept another paw across his back. Then it did it a third time, and a fourth. It patted him on the head, and made a strange, strangled gurgling sound that might have been a purr. It turned away from him, and wrapped its forelegs around the bandit.

After a few terrified squeaks from her, it trundled over to a corner of the cave and flopped down on the stone, either dead, sleeping, or watching.

They waited a few seconds, and then crept out of the tunnel. It didn't follow them. What a shame. After ten odd minutes of climbing, they came out onto the surface, still surrounded by pines. They stopped, and leaned against separate trees.

He opened his mouth and closed it several times. It didn't make him feel uncomfortable, of course. Speechlessness was something that came naturally to him. "Ma'me, did that bear just… hug you?"

She winced, and looked away, but said nothing. After a moment, he sighed. "So why were you following me?"

She hesitated. "Well… I'm sort of lost, and I thought I'd be safer following a royal guard."

He blinked, and laughed.