A Perturbingly Pinker Perspective

by Akumokagetsu

Chapters

First Pinkie Perspective
Mirror, Mirror
The Exorgasm Of Pinkamena Diane Pie

First Pinkie Perspective

0-0-0-0-0

I don’t know where I am.

It’s dark, though. Everything feels funny.

Am I dead?

It wouldn’t surprise me.

I might be dead. I certainly remember being alive.

The details are a little fuzzy…

But I definitely remember that much.

Things aren’t supposed to be this way.

Not like that’s going to stop me.

0-0-0-0-0

Plink.

Pinkie Pie thought that she had been mistaken, at first.

Such an odd noise, occurring out of nowhere. Like a drop in a pool, echoing just beyond her eardrums.

She sat bolt upright in bed, startling Gummy.

Pinkie stared about the room, even though absolutely nothing out of place could be seen in the dim moonlight pouring in silently through the window. She breathed a small sigh of relief, and shook her head as she giggled quietly.

Just being silly again.

Pinkie bounced back into her bed, snuggling beneath the blanket beside her agitated pet alligator. Probably just a bad dream that she’d already forgotten, Pinkie told herself. She rolled over a couple of times for good measure, making herself comfortable before drifting back off to sleep.

At least, until she heard it again.

0-0-0-0-0

Plink.

That noise.

So faint, so far away. But when I reached for it, it was louder… closer.

How could I reach without hands?

… More importantly, why in the flying fuck was I suddenly devoid of hands?

But the moment I stopped concentrating on finding the noise, the further away it drifted…

I guess I was just afraid of being lost in the dark again.

So I reached out for it again.

It got louder.

Like I were tapping metal against a glass.

Maybe if I got a little closer…

0-0-0-0-0

Plink.

Pinkie groaned, covering her head with her pillow. The noise.

Why wouldn’t it stop? Where was it coming from?

She must have spent over an hour wandering her flat in Sugarcube Corner, desperately searching for the source of the constant noise. If only she could determine why it was so… annoying. To the point of nearly driving her mad from the sheer repetition. Pinkie could have sworn that it was very close by, but she never found it, no matter how hard she looked.

She even checked to see if Gummy was leaking.

Unsurprisingly, he wasn’t.

“Where?” Pinkie tossed her mattress into the air, digging beneath the bed to the sound of a very unsatisfied Gummy. “Where’s it coming from?!” she whimpered pitifully as she clasped her hooves over her eyes, since trying to block out the horrendous noise by covering her ears wasn’t working at all.

Hey, don’t ask me. I don’t have any idea, either.

Pinkie jumped, yanking her eyes open in shock.

Holy fuck balls! My eyes!

Pinkie promptly stuffed her hoof into her mouth, having realized that she was the one that had spouted such profanity.

What’s going on? she thought in panic, absentmindedly wondering if she’d accidentally confused the evening’s earlier candy for some of Mr. Cake’s heart medicine again.

Which actually came out as “Thwath ghoh owh?” as she still had one hoof firmly in her own mouth.

The voice inside her head appeared to have understood perfectly, however, because it responded immediately in the slightly raspy voice of an adult stallion.

I already SAID, I don’t have a goddamned clue! Weren’t you paying attention? And what the FUCK happened to my hands? Wait…

… OH, GOD! MY BALLS!

Pinkie hadn’t even noticed when she’d lost all control of her body, as she found herself staring wide-eyed down at her own hoof. The one that wasn’t inside her mouth, obviously.

She yanked her hoof out with a wet plop! and shook her head furiously.

“Gotta wake up, gotta wake up!”

At least, those were the words that came from Pinkie’s mouth. She had no recollection of even thinking them, though; and she most certainly hadn’t tried to say them herself.

Understandably, this caused Pinkie Pie quite a measure of both confusion and outright terror.

“Jesus Christ on a pogo stick,” she heard herself breath and felt her own knees buckle beneath her, and the floor of her room rushed up to lovingly greet her with all the warmth and affection of a speeding train.

0-0-0-0-0

… Am I dreaming now?

It all feels sort of… fuzzy.

“-kie. Pinkie Pie?”

Too much sugar. Yeah. Yeah, that must be it. I finally experienced a point in my life where I had too much sugar, and-

But the thought alone made Pinkie giggle. Too much sugar; such a ridiculous notion.

Or it could have been the fact that Mrs. Cake’s hoof was poking her in such a way that really tickled her ribs.

“Pinkie, why are you on the floor? Are you all right?”

The pink party pony pushed her eyes open with both hooves, grinning up at the concerned figure of Mrs. Cake. The swirl of interspersed mane atop her head fell over her face, giving her an oddly motherly look. She did seem thoroughly reassured when Pinkie woke up, and gave a little sigh of relief when Pinkie’s grin widened.

The same look was also firmly frozen onto her equine face when Pinkie threw her forehooves around Mrs. Cake’s neck, pulled her closely, and stuck her tongue in her mouth.

The elder mare stood stock still, although it was probably more from shock value than anything else. The look in her eye, though, portrayed what might have been a warped but tender moment.

A moment which was quickly ended by the sound of Pinkie Pie screaming.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!” she shrieked, shoving off a very confused Mrs. Cake and wiping her mouth profusely with the crook of her forehoof. Pinkie gagged, eyes nearly bugging out of her head.

“Pinkie, what in the world has gotten into you?!” Mrs. Cake spluttered, struggling to regain her balance.

Who HASN’T, am I right?

Pinkie Pie, however, was far too preoccupied attempting to scrub her own tongue off to reply.

Mrs. Cake, while severely befuddled and more than a little embarrassed, attempted to take the ‘stern adult’ route in order to confront the bizarre situation while heat flooded her cheeks.

“Pinkie, enough of the practical jokes!” she tried not to stutter, resulting in Pinkie returning a very hurt look. “That wasn’t funny!”

“But-but I…!” Pinkie strained, trying to find the right words.

Have an excuse? Are possessed by Satan? Have an alibi?

“No buts, Pinkie Pie!” Mrs. Cake scolded seriously, her own blush not nearly as red as Pinkie’s.

“But-but-but-!” Poor Pinkie continued to blabber, apparently incapable of forming proper sentences any longer.

Is it an alibi? It’s DEFINITELY an alibi.

“I said, no buts!” Mrs. Cake stamped a hoof against the wooden floor. “I can understand being relaxed on a weekend, but this is ridiculous!”

She stomped downstairs huffily, attempting to regain her poise.

Quick, she’s not gone yet! Tell her it’s an alibi!

“But. But. But. But,” Pinkie merely continued to repeat in a dumbfounded fashion, staring blankly at the spot where Mrs. Cake had been moments ago as the voice in her head droned on.

Hurry! Tell her it’s an alibi! Then, stab her in the face! Nobody must know where the bodies are stashed…

That actually managed to draw Pinkie out of her confounded stupor momentarily.

“Wait, what?”

Whee! You can hear me again!

Pinkie wheeled on the spot, breathing heavily. She was clearly lucid; it would be a little difficult to brush all this off as a really, really bad dream. It would have been nice, though. The surprise from finding herself kissing her employer definitely would have woken her up.

“Why are you doing this to me…?” Pinkie whined, grabbing fitfully at her mane.

She was on the verge of breaking down and crying, but that wouldn’t do anypony any good. No, what she needed to do was keep her cool, take stock of the situation, and handle it the best she could.

Which was an unexpectedly mature step for her to take, actually.

Lawl. I know, right? Since when are YOU the mature one?

“Stop it!” Pinkie shouted at the air. “Stop reading my thoughts!”

Stop screaming at the ceiling! I still have a hangover, bitch!

Pinkie took in a deep breath and clenched her eyes tightly shut, blocking out all sight. She inhaled and exhaled a few times very, very slowly, deliberately taking as long as possible and completely clearing her mind.

Pinkie Pie ever so slowly cracked her eyes open, doing her best to remain relaxed and calm.

When she reopened her eyes, the first thing that greeted her was a slightly sleepy looking Gummy, lazily lying atop her dresser and basking in the morning sunlight on his back.

The sight alone brought a small grin to her face, which Gummy mirrored automatically. His upside down toothless smile even made her giggle a little.

“I don’t even like alligators, and that is fucking adorable.”

Pinkie violently stuffed both hooves back into her mouth, as if trying to catch the words and pull them back inside. Thankfully, she was alone when it came out, and wasn’t even very loud.

She still said it against her will, though.

Stop it!

Stop what? The voice inquired slyly, drawing out the question.

Stop making my mouth make mouth noises without my brain’s say-so for mouth making mouth noises!

Pinkie felt her hooves being slowly retracted, and an odd sense of misplaced balance suddenly overwhelmed her – however, it was gone the next second.

“Sorry, come again?” she was forced to say aloud.

“Stop making me say things!” Pinkie panicked, sitting down hard. Thankfully, the floor remained an ordinary and boring floor. Pinkie half expected it to turn into cottage cheese at the rate things were going.

Christ, I’m not making you say things, the voice explained. I’m jus’ tryin’ to talk, is all. This ain’t real fuckin’ easy for neither of us, you know.

Pinkie massaged her temples, the morning sunlight suddenly worsening her already growing headache.

Just a little voice in her head, was all. She was clearly losing her mind, nothing to worry about.

Keep tellin’ yourself that, sweet cheeks.

Pinkie nearly forgot why she was so offended for a minute, but the confusing events of the entire morning swiftly rushed back to her.

“You made me kiss Mrs. Cake!” Pinkie furrowed her brows, and the rustling and bustling from downstairs indicated that there were quite a few other ponies busying themselves about. She briefly wondered if Mrs. Cake had told the others about it, and self-consciously rubbed her hooves together nervously.

Damn straight, the voice replied with a smug tone of pride. That bitch has got some fine-

“Stop!” Pinkie bellowed, but quickly noticed how loud she was being and attempted to think what she meant.

Stop it! Just STOP!

Ms. Pinkamena Diane Pie, I admit that I have NO idea what you’re talking about, he said innocently.

And that’s another thing! How do you even know my name?

So, I take it you don’t actually have, like, super-secret fourth wall breaking powers and shit, right?

What?

Of fucking course. Chalk it up to the goddamned fanon, the voice grumbled in dissatisfaction.

Pinkie breathed deeply, crossing her legs and trying to take a meditative stance.

“Okay,” she said slowly, “I can fix this. I’m going to just stay here, and never move again,” she stated aloud. Her determined expression agreed.

I disagree, the voice responded promptly.

She then found both of her front legs jittering forward, dragging the rest of her body behind with them as she was forced to pull herself through the doorway.

Wait, stop! Pinkie pleaded, desperately struggling to regain control of her unwilling limbs. No sooner had she finally managed to exert her influence over her left forehoof that her back hind leg began forcing her body forward as well, until she was hunched and scuttling toward the stair like a giant pink and deranged crab.

Why are you DOING this?

Why? For the glory of Satan, of course! The voice answered jokingly, pushing her forward a couple more steps. Now, quit screwing with my perception and let me figure the controls out.

Pinkie gave one last almighty heave backwards, and for a moment, she thought she’d finally won.

However, all she’d manage to do was throw all of her legs up into the air, giving her absolutely no balance at all as she toppled rather unceremoniously down the stairs.

She groaned in pain as she pushed herself off the floor, shaking her head slowly. Nothing seemed to be broken.

Except for your brain, obviously, and that went mostly ignored.

“Auntie Pinkie fall down?” Pound giggled, the miniature pegasus quirkily tilting his head at her misfortune.

“Yes,” Pinkie responded uncharacteristically dryly as she blearily pulled her face from the floorboards. “Auntie Pinkie fall down. So funny.”

“Yeah, Auntie Pinkie funny!” Pumpkin, Pound’s unicorn twin sister, wheeled around the corner cackling as she dragged a ball on a string behind her. The motion drew her brother’s attention, and the pair quickly left Pinkie to her own devices while they ran and played.

Her own devices mostly included leaning against a wall and then sitting down very hard as she suddenly felt woozy.

“You all right there, Pinkie?” Carrot poked his head into the stairwell. The bright shock of mane stood out beneath his cap, and he kindly extended a hoof to her to help her up. “You look a little pale; you weren’t out in the rain again, were you?”

Oh, Celestia, please don’t make me tongue him!

Aw, gross. Dude, that’s gay.

“I’m fine!” Pinkie said a little too loudly, stumbling to her feet. “I’m just going… out, now!” she nearly shouted, the same fearful expression on her face as she backed out of the door, holding up one hoof as if to stave him off.

As the door swung shut with a loud bang! behind her, as he nearly tripped over the playing twins, Mr. Cake couldn’t help but wonder if the poor mare had gotten into his heart medication again.

0-0-0-0-0

If Pinkie had thought it through more thoroughly, she might have realized that wandering about Ponyville with a mysterious voice in her head that randomly took control of her body parts was a bad idea.

To her immense relief, the peculiar spectator inside her pink noggin had decided to simply take in the scenery for a few minutes, which gave her some much needed silence.

Wow… the voice started up again before too long, and Pinkie’s miserable sigh of discontentment escaping her lips went unnoticed by the ponies in the street she passed.

It all looks so… real! I mean, really, really real! This is so cool! The voice echoed more excitedly.

Well, yes… Pinkie thought quietly. Ponyville is okay. I guess you just sort of start to take it for granted after a while.

Fuck, what’s with the sudden depression? The voice asked in an almost bored tone.

How would YOU like it if you suddenly woke up with somepony else inside your head? Pinkie thought bitterly, forcing a temporary smile on as she passed a familiar couple of street vendors.

Bitch, please. I don’t know what’s goin’ on, either.

“You don’t?”

Having stopped in the middle of her next step, her hoof came down a bit harder than expected, and she quickly checked to see if anypony had seen her talking to herself.

Odd, how an invasion of the mind can make one suddenly self-conscious.

I already said that! He insisted. Christ, nobody ever listens to me!

So… you don’t have any answers? Pinkie thought as a glimmer of hope faded.

Not a clue. One minute, I’m watching ponies on Netflix. The next… I don’t know. It gets a little fuzzy right there.

Pinkie suddenly felt one of her hooves shoot upward, and rub her cheek.

And now, I’M fuzzy. Heh heh heh.

She slapped her own hoof down, continuing her forward march angrily.

I said stop that! No moving my hooves, no making me say things-

Not even a little?

And absolutely NO kissing other ponies! Pinkie thought as loudly as she could, the scowl now evident on her face.

In my defense… the voice began slowly. Uh… I'm horny. And I would totally bang her.

What?!

I mean, I thought it was a dream. Just a dream… yeah.

Pinkie shook her head so hard, she thought her mane would come off. A sudden, rather disturbing influx of very, very naughty thoughts assaulted her mind, all of which including Mrs. Cake, her employer, benefactor, and helpful motherly figure in highly compromising positions.

Very revealing positions.

Aaaagh! Make it stop!

Whoa, shit. Didn’t know that would happen, the voice said honestly, although it didn’t stop Pinkie’s newly developed twitch as she attempted to scrub the imaginary images from her eyes. Weird… does this, like, kind of mean that you can see some of my memories?

Pinkie, who had taken a few minutes to rest against the brick wall of a nearly run down looking pub, wiped a hoof over her face and tried to calm down before answering.

I don’t know if – wait, memory?

Yeah, memory.

When could you- I mean, ANYPONY, really, ever see Mrs. Cake in a position like THAT?

Internet.

What?

Okay, the voice began slowly. See, clopping is when-

“MRS. CAKE ALREADY GAVE ME THE BIRDS AND THE BEES SPEECH!”

Her inexplicable outburst earned her a couple of hard stares from some of the passing ponies. One of which even had the nerve to proclaim “Er… good for you?”

But Pinkie Pie wasn’t in the mood to discover who it was, nor did she have the energy to bother finding out.

She shook her head for the umpteenth time that morning, continuing her slow trek down the paved sidewalk. It didn’t take her long to find the public library, which she darted into posthaste.

You know, you’re kind of prude, the voice droned on. And rude. Prude n’ Rude. That’s you.

Well, golly-gee! Pinkie spat sarcastically. Let me just roll out the welcome wagon for the latest voice inside my head, because I’m SO prepared for that!

She conjured the mental image of a massive wagon with a sign on the side reading ‘WELCOME’, holding the thought for as long as she could.

… Seriously? That’s all you’ve got? The voice tittered. Honestly, Pinkie. I expected better from you. No imagination, at all. That’s so sad.

You still didn’t even tell me how you know my name! Pinkie seethed, leaning against the library door and blocking out the outside world. Thankfully, the inside of Golden Oaks library was cool and quiet. But the door was unlocked, meaning there must be somepony nearby… and that would make speaking out loud difficult, meaning that she had to be extra careful not to let anything slip.

I already told you, the voice stated simply. Internet. Bronies spend a long time on that.

Bronies?

Plural of ‘Brony’. We’re terrible people.

Terrible? People?

Fuckin’ Christ, you’re like a Speak n’ Spell. That’s you.

Do you all talk telepathically? Pinkie asked, now a bit genuinely interested.

Nah, the voice answered. Humans don’t have psychic powers. Not that I know of, anyway. Seriously, though, that shit would be cool.

Humans?

Great, so I take it this is one of the ‘aliens’ types, instead of ‘just a myth’ kind of thing. Does this mean Lyra doesn’t have a hand-fetish?

How do you know Lyra, either?

Or maybe just foot fetish, he ignored her. That seems more like her kind of thing.

Pinkie harrumphed grumpily, crossing her forehooves.

Double standard. No wonder you say nopony listens to you; you never listen to anypony but yourself!

Shockingly, it was silent for a moment.

I think my name is Ralph.

That’s… a really weird name, Pinkie thought admittedly. She hadn't noticed before that she was mirroring facial expressions to match what she was saying, and tried to stop. It was difficult.

Culturally, I guess, Ralph mentally shrugged, which gave her an odd feeling. Where I come from, ‘Pinkie’ would be really fucking weird, too.

“Pinkie Pie?”

The pink mare nearly leapt out of her skin, and she wheezed heavily as she clutched at her madly thumping heart. Pinkie hadn’t expected Twilight to nose around the corner, cup of coffee levitating silently beside her.

“… Are you… here to check out a book?” the violet unicorn asked arbitrarily, a hint of optimism in her voice.

No sooner had Pinkie opened her mouth than she found herself flying toward the unsuspecting librarian.

Pinkie’s body tackled Twilight, the coffee mug falling to the floor with a chink! She straddled Twilight with a mad cackle, holding Twilight’s forehooves down with her own.

“Pinkie!” Twilight gasped in confusion, only to be met by a pair of suddenly sultry blue eyes. Pinkie relaxed her grip, although it wasn’t by choice of her own, and she was forced to watch in horror as her own face drew closer to her friend’s.

Twilight had all but stopped breathing at this point, unable to look anywhere but Pinkie’s face. Her eyes belied an odd hunger about them, and she bit her lower lip with a needing gaze.

Oh, no you don’t! Pinkie thought viciously, jerking and pulling mentally backwards as hard as she could, struggling to regain control.

I have to put my dick in Twilight, Ralph explained as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

I need to be put inside a mental institution for other ponies’ safety!

“P-Pinkie?”

“I HAVE TO BE INSIDE TWILIGHT!” Pinkie shouted in Twilight’s face with all the subtlety of a nuclear explosion. Her mane was blasted backwards with nearly the force.

A little dazed, Twilight blinked and tried to push her mane back down. A small spark of magic alit the tip of her horn, and Pinkie felt herself being slowly raised into the air and carefully set back down a good five feet away.

“I-I didn’t know you... harbored those sorts of feelings, Pinkie,” Twilight tried to remain professional, even though her face had become a rather beet red in complexion. “But I simply am not ready for that kind of relationship with a friend.”

Day-um, bitch. I think you just got friend-zoned.

Pinkie’s legs were shaking, and she fought in vain to tell the evidently uncomfortable mare what ailed her.

However, every time she tried to say ‘there is an evil monster named Ralph in my head’, her lips mysteriously glued themselves shut.

Ha! Beat that!

To Twilight, however, it simply looked as if Pinkie were about to have an emotional breakdown.

Which, in coincidence, she was. For albeit different reasons, of course.

“Look, Pinkie Pie,” Twilight began softly, rubbing her own face distractedly. “I understand that you get lonely sometimes. But you can’t come running to me every time you need something,” she said, attempting to magically collect the coffee from the floor.

“But-but-but-!” Pinkie spluttered at the unfairness, an unsettling sense of déjà vu settling over her.

“No buts,” Twilight placed a hoof on her shoulder, guiding her out the door. “Maybe it would be best if we both just spent some time alone for now. Okay?”

Pinkie didn’t even get the chance to answer before the door closed behind her.

And, as if to add insult to injury, she heard the lock latch into place only a moment afterwards.

… I’m beginning to get the feeling that Twilight Sparkle wasn’t really in the mood for getting man-in-pony lesbo-raped, or something, Ralph mused quietly. Weird.

0-0-0-0-0

Author's Note

Weird, indeed.

Mirror, Mirror

0-0-0-0-0

Okay, okay! I wanna try it, now!

Absolutely not! Pinkie thought forcefully, deliberately placing one hoof in front of the other.

Come on! Ralph whined at her, the noise grating obnoxiously inside her head. You get to do all the walking! I never get to walk on all fours! The closest I ever get to is crawling on hands and knees, and bitch, let me tell you, I’ve got some real soft hands-

“For crying out loud!” Pinkie shouted into the air, drawing a few odd stares. She clamped her mouth shut immediately, glaring down at the pavement and continuing along her way.

Or at least, she was trying to, because Ralph was continuously attempting to take control of her legs and do the walking part for her. It gave the bizarre impression of Pinkie’s back legs occasionally trying to move faster than her front ones, causing her to lope at an odd pace.

Just stop trying! Pinkie Pie spat mentally, as equally embarrassed by the confused shrugs of ponies she passed as she was frustrated at Ralph.

I will! Ralph said cheerfully. Just as soon as you let me do some of the walking.

“Why do you even want to?” Pinkie Pie grumbled under her breath, feeling a bit more comfortable speaking aloud, even if quietly. It made her feel less… well, crazy.

Do you have any idea how cramped I feel? Ralph interrogated. This is like a living half-nightmare for me, you know; I mean, ponies are great and all, but waking up in a strange body with absolutely no control unless I fight for it… that’s a horrible way to live, and you should feel so bad for making me feel that way.

Pinkie froze mid-stride, and eventually continued her slow pace. She hadn’t really considered Ralph at all, to be truthful. In fact, she’d been more preoccupied with how badly she was bothered by it, and didn’t even care to find out anything about Ralph at all…

But, then again, Ralph had tried sticking her tongue in Mrs. Cake’s mouth and made her throw herself atop her friend.

You know, I can totally tell what you’re thinking, Ralph mused, and Pinkie suddenly got the mental image of a chin being scratched.

Pinkie took a deep breath, forcing yet another too-wide smile as she passed a familiar face.

“Good morning, Carrot Top!” Pinkie beamed at her, and the pony promptly smiled back.

The light yellow mare pushing a small barrel of freshly picked carrots wiped her brow, pushing a tuft of orange mane from her face.

“Good morning, Pinkie Pie!” she grinned. “Glad to see somepony to brighten my day a bit,” Carrot Top’s smile faded slightly, but she shook her head. “Just off to barter some of the excess produce. You wouldn’t happen to be in the mood for carrots, would you?”

Carrot Top batted her eyelashes jokingly, and Ralph decided that it would be a good time to assault poor Pinkie’s mind yet again.

“Ooh, yeah. I’m really in the mood for eating some Carrot,” Ralph said seductively. Pinkie's face flushed as a sudden burst of highly inappropriate images flooded her mind, all of which involved Carrot Top leaning over a counter and Pinkie thrusting an entire carrot-

Nope nope nope nope!

It wasn’t until the frozen, slightly confused look on Carrot Top’s face grew that Pinkie realized that Ralph had just said it aloud.

Pinkie promptly began spluttering in mortification, desperately trying to fix the situation.

“It’s-it’s just a little joke!” Pinkie said quickly, forcing the smile on her face even further. “Ha ha! Ha ha ha! Joke!”

“Er, yeah…” Carrot Top said uncomfortably, shifting backward a step. “Funny.”

“Funny, funny Pinkie Pie!” Pinkie said loudly, chuckling nervously. “Well, I’m just gonna… go! For, um…”

To go do nasty things with a carrot?

“PARTY!” Pinkie bellowed, running as swiftly in the opposite direction as her legs would take her.

Her hooves pounded over the ground, carrying her as fast as she could manage. It wasn’t long before she found herself in Ponyville’s park, the slightly swaying trees bristling above her.

Stupid Ralph! Stupid, stupid Ralph!

Awww, Ralph mock sighed. You’re so mean to me, Pinkie Pie.

“Just go away!” Pinkie shrieked, clasping her hooves over her ears as she collapsed against a tree.

No need to shout at me, Ralph said, and even sounded a little hurt. And if you keep shouting at the air like that, you’re going to start sounding crazy. Well, crazier than you already are.

“I’m not crazy!” Pinkie Pie yelped, pulling in anguish at her ears. “You’re crazy!”

“Pinkie Pie?”

Pinkie froze in terror, her outburst obviously heard. She tilted her head slightly, spotting the mint colored unicorn sitting in an odd fashion on a wooden park bench.

“Um… are you… okay?” Lyra asked in concern, her eyebrows furrowing. She fiddled with her hooves in discomfort, staring at the distressed party pony.

“Fine!” Pinkie shouted angrily. “I’m perfectly hunky-dory!”

“A-alright…?” the unicorn said uncertainly.

Ooh, and horny! Tell Lyra you’re horny! Like a unicorn, but without the horn!

Pinkie made sure that she was in complete control of her mouth, and forcefully grinned. “Just Pinkie being Pinkie Pie! I’m just going to go now!”

Somewhere secluded where I can hammer out this voice from my head! Pinkie thought in vain.

Yeah, I’d like to hammer her, if you know what I’m sayin’.

“NO, I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE SAYING!”

And with that, Pinkie left a very, very confused Lyra sitting with a peculiar expression on her face.

0-0-0-0-0

Pinkie paced back and forth in her room, her hooves clopping quietly over the floor as she thought.

She didn’t know exactly how long she’d been walking in slow circles, but it felt like hours.

You have to go, Pinkie thought repeatedly, different plans and ideas running through her head as Ralph automatically dismissed each and every one, regardless of her opinion.

Well, I would kind of like to have my proper body back, he began quietly. But I don’t really see how that’s going to happen. You know, unless you can pull some kind of Deus Ex Machina out of your ass, like that thing with the Parasprites.

“How do you even know about that?” Pinkie questioned the air, and her nostrils flared in irritation. There were certain things that Ralph just couldn’t have known, and kept spouting off like it were common knowledge.

Of course it’s common knowledge! He replied immediately. Am I a Brony, or am I a Brony?

“I don’t-“

“Pinkie Pie?”

Pinkie leapt at the rapping on her door, and Mr. Cake stuck his head in with a friendly smile.

Hey, fuck off! Knocking doesn’t count if you just open the door, anyway!

“Yes, Mr. Cake?” Pinkie asked innocuously, blinking as she forced away Ralph’s attempt at moving her lips. It was difficult, but she was starting to get the hang of asserting her own will over her body. And it was such a strange feeling.

“Aren’t you coming down for dinner?” he asked politely, noting the fact that she was still pacing.

“I-I’m not really hungry tonight, Mr. Cake,” Pinkie lied. He began to speak, but seemed to remember something and nodded.

“Alright, Pinkie. We’ll save you some leftovers, just in case you change your mind later. Okay?”

Pinkie nodded slowly as well, and said “Thank you,” before returning to her unending circle.

Pinkie didn’t see the worried look Mr. Cake shook off as he closed the door and descended the stairs.

He didn’t think he’d ever seen Pinkie looking so… serious.

Bullshit, Ralph grumbled. I’m feelin’ everything you are, and I say we’re hungry!

Please, just let me have some peace and quiet so that I can THINK, Pinkie pleaded hopelessly, her head hanging as she trudged in a circle.

… Christ, you really don’t like me much, do you? Ralph asked quizzically, but his voice was quiet.

Pinkie inhaled as much as she could, letting out a long, slow breath.

“No,” she said out loud. “No, I don’t like you at all.”

Ouch.

“Can you really blame me?” Pinkie said defensively, stopping her pacing long enough to stand directly in front of her vanity mirror, which had been partially coated with stickers and small photographs of herself with her friends.

Friends very dear and close to her heart that Ralph had continuously pelted her mind with very naughty images of.

“I mean…” Pinkie Pie began, talking directly into the mirror at her own reflection. Ralph momentarily produced a strange sort of mental image, along with ‘who’s the fairest one of all’, or some such nonsense. She hadn’t noticed before how her mane seemed to have lost quite a bit of its bounce, the downturned mouth and upset expression so unfitting of her very nature.

“Maybe, I might get to like you,” Pinkie said quietly, watching her reflection. “But you make it really, really hard.”

For a moment, Pinkie basked in complete and utter silence. Again, quite unlike herself.

“… Okay.” Pinkie watched her mouth move in the reflection as Ralph took control of her lips, but he did so in a slow, cautionary manner, so as to stop if Pinkie insisted upon it. “Okay,” she watched herself say again.

“… Let’s make... a deal,” Ralph began softly, and Pinkie’s reflection became blank.

“What kind?”

“Look, I don’t like not being in control of my own actions,” Ralph explained, gently rubbing her left hoof over her cheek. “I don’t like not being inside my own body. I miss fingers.”

“Get to the point,” Pinkie said impatiently, pushing her opposite hoof down and staring hard at the mirror.

“Right,” Ralph continued aloud. “Let’s face it; life without a dick sounds really grim. And frankly, I really want to fuck the shit out of your friends.”

“… Come again?”

“I probably would make you,” her reflection grinned wickedly at her. “But if I’m stuck here for a while, it’s not going to do any good if we’re always fighting.”

“At least we can agree on something,” Pinkie nodded thoughtfully. “Everypony is going to think we’re fruitier than a fruit bat.”

“Well, that too,” Ralph went on. “So, what do you say we call a truce for now?”

“You mean… you’re going to stop trying to work my body parts?” Pinkie asked her reflection hopefully.

“Yeah, no. That’s not what I meant.” He explained through her mouth. “I just say we share what we’ve got for now, until I can manage to get back into my old body. M’kay?”

“I… guess, if that’s what it takes…” Pinkie said slowly, and found that one hoof had been placed against the cool surface of the mirror in what was supposed to be a shake.

“Right on.” her mouth turned upward in a genuine smile. Pinkie’s first instinct was to try smiling back, and wound up giggling as she suddenly remembered that, duh, she already was.

“So, a truce, then!” Pinkie said enthusiastically.

“At least until I get to fuck your friend’s brains out.”

“I… um.” Pinkie said uncertainly, edging away from the mirror temporarily. “I… don’t quite get that.”

“Okay, okay, fine,” Ralph said, a dimly agitated look appearing on her face. “I’ll nail ‘em later, so long as I can get in some hanky-panky first.”

The blank look she returned didn’t seem to settle as much of an answer.

“… You know. Jerkin’ the gherkin? Choking the chicken?”

“…”

“Spanking the monkey?”

Pinkie remained silent, her confused look only growing more blatant as she stared at her reflection. Ralph didn’t seem to be forthcoming with any mental image examples this time.

“… Masturbating?” Ralph said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, holding her hooves out in exasperation.

“I… I don’t really know what that is,” Pinkie admitted awkwardly.

“… Oh, I am going to have so much fun ruining your innocence.”

0-0-0-0-0

Author's Note

Kindly let me know if I made any errors! I'd greatly appreciate it.

The Exorgasm Of Pinkamena Diane Pie

0-0-0-0-0

That night, Pinkie Pie had a very strange dream.

It started innocuously enough, with a relaxing ride atop a cloud of cotton candy as her winged alligator companion swooped in and out of the candied sky. However, she was abruptly jarred out of her pleasant dream by shifting without warning into another.

Her eyes were locked straight ahead on a dark road, blurring and almost glowing yellow stripes painted down the middle. She was moving far faster than any mare could, even though it felt like she wasn’t moving at all. A bit like flying, but much too close to the ground for comfort; too fast, far too fast. Dark shadowy trees whipped past as she went faster and faster, plummeting into the dark with a whistling scream-

Pinkie Pie jolted awake in a cold sweat, trying not to hyperventilate as she patted herself down in blind panic. After a few moments of catching her breath and listening to the cheerful chirrups of birds singing their morning songs just outside her window, Pinkie finally managed to begin calming down.

Just a dream.

It was all just a dream.

Of course it was, silly, she rubbed her eyes with a small, relieved smile. Just a dream.

You’ve got some weird fuckin’ dreams, Ralph yawned.

Pinkie Pie found that her right eye was mysteriously twitching.

“You’re still here!” Pinkie’s hoof wound down her face in miserable panic.

Well, duh, the voice behind her ears groaned tiredly. Not like I can really go anywhere.

She felt one of her hooves sliding over the base of her ear, and she was quick to force it back down. It was surprisingly simple to do so this time, almost like resisting a sneeze. The sound of Mrs. Cake trudging up the stairs to wake her shook her out of her thoughts as she paced, her ears flattening hard against her head.

No funny business this time, Pinkie found herself frowning in front of the vanity mirror. Ralph did not answer, which she took as a sign of acknowledgement.

“Pinkie Pie?” she heard her landlord’s voice on the opposite side of the door, though it did not open as she expected it to. “I know it’s a bit early, but I’ll need your help in the kitchen-”

She wasted no time in yanking the door open, startling the mare. However, Pinkie Pie looked just as chipper and cheerful as always, if a bit sleepy.

“You got it, Missus Cake!” Pinkie beamed, standing at attention. It was painfully obvious from the fact that her boss had difficulty looking her in the eye that the previous day’s ‘incident’ was clearly unforgotten.

“R-right,” she coughed awkwardly into her hoof after a moment. “Dear, we’ve got a delivery for a colt’s birthday party on the corner of Eleventh and Acorn,” Mrs. Cake shifted uneasily back down the stairs, her own weak smile returning.

“Already on my way to help!” she followed her closely. “Just let me wash up first and I’ll be right in!”

Ralph said nothing.

Ralph said nothing for a long time.

Pinkie Pie was in an extraordinary mood that day.

The work had been more than strenuous and the heat from the kitchen nearly set the house on fire twice (only one of which had been Pinkie’s fault) and the sweets and pastries were so tightly packed into their containers that the weight would have caused a lesser mare’s legs to buckle, but still Pinkie’s mood did not falter.

Perhaps it was because the only voice in her head she had to listen to was her own.

Pinkie felt pretty good. She was back to laughing and joking just like her old self had been, which the Cakes took a quiet note of. The colt’s birthday party, a young thing by the name of Pipsqueak, had been fairly small and quiet, but Pinkie still felt a little left out that she hadn’t been asked to throw it for him. It was right there in her job description after all. But then again, some herds preferred to keep things quiet and tidy like that, and there were plenty of other ponies who needed her party professionalism.

Not that it stopped her from leaving a business card anyway, though.

Pinkie felt pretty good for nearly the whole day. She went about her daily business helping the Cakes, ravenously devoured a number of poor, unfortunate pastries unlucky enough to fall under her gaze, and had her thoughts all to herself. She felt really good.

And then Mrs. Cake had to go and bend over in front of her.

“The pan, dear?” Cup motioned patiently for Pinkie to continue passing her baking pans for the waiting cupboards.

She tried hard to move for several seconds, her body oddly stiff and totally unresponsive when it happened.

… I want to fuck her.

… Oh-oh no. Oh, no. Oh, no no no!

Oh my god, look at that fucking ass! she could almost hear the voice drooling in her head, which produced a rather nasty mental image. Of course, that was nothing compared to the mental images that her unwelcome visitor was assaulting her mind with presently.

“Pinkie?”

“Fuh-muh-nee-muh-nuh,” Pinkie Pie spluttered shakily. Her limbs were trembling, and every moment she couldn’t pull her eyes away from the rear of her employer was a moment too long.

I gotta fuck her! Ralph breathed gleefully. Oh man, oh man…!

“Pinkie Pie, dear, are you feeling alright?” Mrs. Cake carefully placed a hoof to her forehead, feeling for temperature. “You aren’t looking very well…”

Whereas before it had been difficult to move, it now took absolutely everything within Pinkie’s power not to move at all. Her whole body was shaking by this point as she desperately struggled against the force within, forcing it back lest he gain control and do something that she’d really prefer not to.

“I-I’m f-f-fine, Mi-hir-muh-missus Cake,” Pinkie struggled, her voice coming out in short rasps. “Fi-fine!”

“Really, hon?” Cup inspected her carefully, drawing closer. Her every movement, even her slightly sweet scent seemed to be making her body harder to control, made it harder to stay focused. Even when she just bumped up against her it felt like her heart was going to explode from the sheer pressure.

“I’m g-go-going,” Pinkie burst out, struggling to tear herself away and nearly tripping over her own hooves in the process. “Bed! Night!”

“Er… goodnight…?” Cup watched warily as Pinkie literally dragged herself from the room. “Do take care, dearie! Should I hel-”

“No!” Pinkie screeched back in panic, the broiling fire within growing all the more difficult to control as she pulled herself forcefully up the stairs. “No, I’m fine! Just a little under the wih-wah-weather is all!”

Pinkie barely made it to her bedroom and kicked the door shut behind herself before her legs buckled, sending her crashing to the floor. Gummy barely managed to scamper out of the way in time before being squished, but Pinkie Pie was hardly aware of his existence.

What are you doing? Such a fine piece of ass in front of you and you run away?

What’s wrong w- me? ME? What’s wrong with YOU?! Pinkie Pie screamed internally, and much to her surprise something in the back of her mind seemed to flinch. It was a very strange, unsettling feeling. Albeit, no more strange and unsettling than everything else, but still.

“Gotta… gotta fuck…!” her mouth blurted as she dragged herself across the floor, hooves somehow finding their way between her hind ligs.

Stop thinking things like that about Missus Cake, you creep!

I can’t help it, Ralph whined internally. She’s freaking hot! I haven’t beat off in what feels like forever, I’m gonna pop if I don’t fuck something!

“What?”

I didn’t even know I could get backed up inside of somebody’s head!

Pinkie Pie took a long, deep breath, squeezing her eyes shut and straining to stand.

Unfortunately, closing her eyes only made it easier for the multitude of filthy images to blossom up in her mind, very many of which were of ponies that she intimately knew. Her cheeks burned furiously as she tried to shake them away, wrenching her eyes back open.

“What did I just say?” she struggled to speak. Her body felt tight, tense. Hard to move, and her insanely rapid heartbeat just wouldn’t seem to slow down.

Hey, Ralph started at last. Hey. Pink. You don’t want me to fuck your boss, right?

She wasn’t really sure if she had said it out loud or not. It felt like she might have, but the disorientation was making it difficult to tell. Pinkie didn’t really have to reply to Ralph’s answer, nor did he give her time to.

I think I’ve got a solution… you wanna try it?

So long as it stops, Pinkie thought back breathlessly, her chest physically hurting.

Then relax. I’m taking control now.

Pinkie Pie resisted initially, but the second she stopped it became… easier. It wasn’t like having the reigns roughly jerked away from her as she expected, leaving her helplessly in a carriage ride to doom. Instead it was more like sitting back in a theatre seat, reclining slowly and gradually focusing on the stage as the actors came out one by one. Pinkie’s heartbeat didn’t slow down at all, but her limbs did finally seem to stop shaking. She found herself carefully inspecting her hooves more than anything, watching as one turned over the other.

She could almost sense the presence’s fascination.

And then she felt something else.

Perhaps it had been the reason her body had become such a hotbed for strange activity, or why it had suddenly become so difficult to control herself. A strong sensation, something nearly weighty. Powerful.

Need.

Pure, simple, primal.

Primal was definitely a word that matched. Ralph had little to no self-control as he shamelessly explored her body. Her own hooves ran rampant down herself, brushing roughly across her teats and straight down to her genitals. There was no rising sensation that she somehow expected, no personal feelings at all; simply straight to business, the edge of her hoof crudely and jerkily dragging its way across her slit over and over, almost pawing at her entrance.

Ouch! Stop, that hurts!

Sorry, Ralph murmured back without sounding remorseful at all. “Sorry ‘bout that. Uh… huh. Yeah.”

He wasn’t even really responding to her any more than he was simply making noise, his attention focused solely on her body.

This feels… dirty, Pinkie watched as the edge of her hoof penetrated her slot, sliding up and down without rhythm. A couple of times Ralph bumped just against her clit, sending a swift tingle up the base of her spine. Ra-Ralph, this doesn’t feel right…

“Oh, come on,” he said intently with her mouth. “It’s your own body, not anybody else’s. It’s perfectly natural.”

What’s natural about – ah! – about letting somepony else FONDLE me down there? You’re not even –hey! – You aren’t…

Pinkie Pie’s internal voice began to drain, her focus slowly lost. Maybe she could push out the existence of Ralph, try to massage him right out of her body. All she could think about was the sensation of her hard hoof penetrating her just so, sliding up and down so teasingly, so tantalizingly, but still not deep enough to really be satisfying. The way it felt to have her own limbs betray her, one hoof rolling in unpracticed circles around her clit. Whether it was just her body’s reaction or Ralph was the cause, she found her hips rising up eventually, trying to meet her hoof tips. If only she could get a little closer, it would feel even better… Something to get closer, something to go faster, deeper…

Oh Celestia. Oh Celestia. Oh Celestia… Oh. Oh, ooh. Ooh, Celestia…!

It became somewhat simpler to understand Ralph from the shared feeling, one of desperate need. His was much stronger though, more overwhelming. The ‘filthy’ images Ralph brought up really didn’t seem so dirty anymore, even though there were almost a constant stream of them. Twisted fantasies that were too nasty to name, and still held her in allure. Pinkie’s tongue lolled out of her mouth, and neither of them cared. Her heartbeat didn’t slow down at all; exactly the opposite, to her surprise. So pleasing, even though she tried hard to deny it. The drumming of her heartbeat in her ears filled the silence, and it was the only rhythm Ralph touched her to. Up and down, up and down, in and out, in and out, just so but never quite deep enough-

Pinkie’s lower half spasmed suddenly, her trembling hooves spreading her apart in one big embarrassing display as she squirted. Hot jism ran down her hoof, her breath thankfully caught in her throat from the ecstasy as she came. She bucked again and again, cheeks clenching and unclenching as she grasped needfully at the edge of her hoof, thrusting and tugging for just a sliver more of that pleasure-

And then came Pinkie Pie’s next revelation as she was smack dab in the midst of the best and first orgasm she had ever had.

Ralph wasn’t in control.

He hadn’t been in control for a while now.

Pinkie looked down at her dripping self shamefully, her ears burning so hotly that they might have been on fire.

… That, Ralph said quietly, was fucking amazing.

“W-what…” Pinkie wiped herself in morbid fascination, thinking only of two things; firstly how she was going to sneak to the bath to clean herself properly, and secondly that she still didn’t feel properly satisfied. “What – I mean, wow. I mean, wow. Oh gosh. I mean… wow.”

I know, right? Ralph breathed as she tried to stand, her legs wobbly and quavering. Before, however, it had been because she was straining to stay in control. This time, she just felt… drained. Holy fucking shit, that was fantastic, Pinkie Pie. I felt – I felt everything, that was good! DAMNED good!

So that’s what it feels like, she thought dimly to herself as she crept to the bathroom, the water not really seeming to do much except make her wetter. Which was the point of the water, after all, but still.

Have you seriously never masturbated before? Ralph inquired quizzically, clearing feeling much happier about it than she was. The needy, burning sensation was gone from her mind, but now there was something else that bothered her. Another, similar sensation that was almost as difficult to ignore.

“Should have I?” Pinkie asked aloud to the mirror, watching her facial expressions closely.

Definitely, she could almost hear Ralph grinning. It feels so much different this way. Still awesome though.

“What do you mean?” Pinkie Pie asked wearily as she sank into the tub of hot water, her trembling hooves making little waves as she lowered herself into the steam.

Ralph went silent for a moment, deep in thought.

It’s kind of like this, he showed her an image of something that very likely did not belong to a stallion, yet somehow caused her to blush again anyway. I mean, I’ve never, uh… orgasmed, I guess, like that before.

I still don’t understand, Pinkie thought softly as she lowered herself further, the water coming almost up to her snout.

It feels… different, somehow. As a guy it’s just, like, more in one go. You know?

Not really.

I mean… Urgh, how do I put it. It feels good, sure, but it’s not the same. I guess you could say it’s just about release, getting to the climax. Back on your floor, though. That felt… different.

Pinkie Pie tiredly tried to ask “Different how?” but discovered that her mouth was too far underwater. Ralph understood regardless.

… Better, I think. I mean, at least more, uh, satisfying. It felt… it felt good. It felt really good. I think… I think I might have liked it more than I did cumming as a guy.

“I think-”

Gimme a minute here, Ralph interrupted with something that sounded like panic in his thought-voice. Kind of going through a sexuality crisis here.

“You’re going through a crisis,” Pinkie Pie muttered with a humorless laugh. “You’re going through a crisis. Well, excuse me.”

Hey, he was quick to return. Hey. Hey, Pinks. You, uh… you feeling that?

“What…?” she asked uncertainly, sinking a little back into the water. For some reason her eyes were continuously drawn to the mirror, almost as if she would find Ralph looking back at her.

I know you’ve got to be feeling that, too. I feel everything that you do. And I feel like I haven’t had quite enough yet.

And as much Pinkie was loath to admit it, he was right.

Ralph started to take control again, but Pinkie gently pushed him back. Surprisingly he obeyed the mental command, relinquishing control the moment she pulled for it.

He was right, and she knew it. She wasn’t quite satisfied.

But as long as she was here almost alone in the bath, at least she had the chance to try and do things properly. Even if she didn’t know quite how it was done, she’d show Ralph how it was done, even if it took all night.

And Pinkie Pie felt pretty damned good.

0-0-0-0-0