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Okay, okay! I wanna try it, now!

Absolutely not! Pinkie thought forcefully, deliberately placing one hoof in front of the other.

Come on! Ralph whined at her, the noise grating obnoxiously inside her head. You get to do all the walking! I never get to walk on all fours! The closest I ever get to is crawling on hands and knees, and bitch, let me tell you, I’ve got some real soft hands-

“For crying out loud!” Pinkie shouted into the air, drawing a few odd stares. She clamped her mouth shut immediately, glaring down at the pavement and continuing along her way.

Or at least, she was trying to, because Ralph was continuously attempting to take control of her legs and do the walking part for her. It gave the bizarre impression of Pinkie’s back legs occasionally trying to move faster than her front ones, causing her to lope at an odd pace.

Just stop trying! Pinkie Pie spat mentally, as equally embarrassed by the confused shrugs of ponies she passed as she was frustrated at Ralph.

I will! Ralph said cheerfully. Just as soon as you let me do some of the walking.

“Why do you even want to?” Pinkie Pie grumbled under her breath, feeling a bit more comfortable speaking aloud, even if quietly. It made her feel less… well, crazy.

Do you have any idea how cramped I feel? Ralph interrogated. This is like a living half-nightmare for me, you know; I mean, ponies are great and all, but waking up in a strange body with absolutely no control unless I fight for it… that’s a horrible way to live, and you should feel so bad for making me feel that way.

Pinkie froze mid-stride, and eventually continued her slow pace. She hadn’t really considered Ralph at all, to be truthful. In fact, she’d been more preoccupied with how badly she was bothered by it, and didn’t even care to find out anything about Ralph at all…

But, then again, Ralph had tried sticking her tongue in Mrs. Cake’s mouth and made her throw herself atop her friend.

You know, I can totally tell what you’re thinking, Ralph mused, and Pinkie suddenly got the mental image of a chin being scratched.

Pinkie took a deep breath, forcing yet another too-wide smile as she passed a familiar face.

“Good morning, Carrot Top!” Pinkie beamed at her, and the pony promptly smiled back.

The light yellow mare pushing a small barrel of freshly picked carrots wiped her brow, pushing a tuft of orange mane from her face.

“Good morning, Pinkie Pie!” she grinned. “Glad to see somepony to brighten my day a bit,” Carrot Top’s smile faded slightly, but she shook her head. “Just off to barter some of the excess produce. You wouldn’t happen to be in the mood for carrots, would you?”

Carrot Top batted her eyelashes jokingly, and Ralph decided that it would be a good time to assault poor Pinkie’s mind yet again.

“Ooh, yeah. I’m really in the mood for eating some Carrot,” Ralph said seductively. Pinkie's face flushed as a sudden burst of highly inappropriate images flooded her mind, all of which involved Carrot Top leaning over a counter and Pinkie thrusting an entire carrot-

Nope nope nope nope!

It wasn’t until the frozen, slightly confused look on Carrot Top’s face grew that Pinkie realized that Ralph had just said it aloud.

Pinkie promptly began spluttering in mortification, desperately trying to fix the situation.

“It’s-it’s just a little joke!” Pinkie said quickly, forcing the smile on her face even further. “Ha ha! Ha ha ha! Joke!”

“Er, yeah…” Carrot Top said uncomfortably, shifting backward a step. “Funny.”

“Funny, funny Pinkie Pie!” Pinkie said loudly, chuckling nervously. “Well, I’m just gonna… go! For, um…”

To go do nasty things with a carrot?

“PARTY!” Pinkie bellowed, running as swiftly in the opposite direction as her legs would take her.

Her hooves pounded over the ground, carrying her as fast as she could manage. It wasn’t long before she found herself in Ponyville’s park, the slightly swaying trees bristling above her.

Stupid Ralph! Stupid, stupid Ralph!

Awww, Ralph mock sighed. You’re so mean to me, Pinkie Pie.

“Just go away!” Pinkie shrieked, clasping her hooves over her ears as she collapsed against a tree.

No need to shout at me, Ralph said, and even sounded a little hurt. And if you keep shouting at the air like that, you’re going to start sounding crazy. Well, crazier than you already are.

“I’m not crazy!” Pinkie Pie yelped, pulling in anguish at her ears. “You’re crazy!”

“Pinkie Pie?”

Pinkie froze in terror, her outburst obviously heard. She tilted her head slightly, spotting the mint colored unicorn sitting in an odd fashion on a wooden park bench.

“Um… are you… okay?” Lyra asked in concern, her eyebrows furrowing. She fiddled with her hooves in discomfort, staring at the distressed party pony.

“Fine!” Pinkie shouted angrily. “I’m perfectly hunky-dory!”

“A-alright…?” the unicorn said uncertainly.

Ooh, and horny! Tell Lyra you’re horny! Like a unicorn, but without the horn!

Pinkie made sure that she was in complete control of her mouth, and forcefully grinned. “Just Pinkie being Pinkie Pie! I’m just going to go now!”

Somewhere secluded where I can hammer out this voice from my head! Pinkie thought in vain.

Yeah, I’d like to hammer her, if you know what I’m sayin’.

“NO, I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE SAYING!”

And with that, Pinkie left a very, very confused Lyra sitting with a peculiar expression on her face.

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Pinkie paced back and forth in her room, her hooves clopping quietly over the floor as she thought.

She didn’t know exactly how long she’d been walking in slow circles, but it felt like hours.

You have to go, Pinkie thought repeatedly, different plans and ideas running through her head as Ralph automatically dismissed each and every one, regardless of her opinion.

Well, I would kind of like to have my proper body back, he began quietly. But I don’t really see how that’s going to happen. You know, unless you can pull some kind of Deus Ex Machina out of your ass, like that thing with the Parasprites.

“How do you even know about that?” Pinkie questioned the air, and her nostrils flared in irritation. There were certain things that Ralph just couldn’t have known, and kept spouting off like it were common knowledge.

Of course it’s common knowledge! He replied immediately. Am I a Brony, or am I a Brony?

“I don’t-“

“Pinkie Pie?”

Pinkie leapt at the rapping on her door, and Mr. Cake stuck his head in with a friendly smile.

Hey, fuck off! Knocking doesn’t count if you just open the door, anyway!

“Yes, Mr. Cake?” Pinkie asked innocuously, blinking as she forced away Ralph’s attempt at moving her lips. It was difficult, but she was starting to get the hang of asserting her own will over her body. And it was such a strange feeling.

“Aren’t you coming down for dinner?” he asked politely, noting the fact that she was still pacing.

“I-I’m not really hungry tonight, Mr. Cake,” Pinkie lied. He began to speak, but seemed to remember something and nodded.

“Alright, Pinkie. We’ll save you some leftovers, just in case you change your mind later. Okay?”

Pinkie nodded slowly as well, and said “Thank you,” before returning to her unending circle.

Pinkie didn’t see the worried look Mr. Cake shook off as he closed the door and descended the stairs.

He didn’t think he’d ever seen Pinkie looking so… serious.

Bullshit, Ralph grumbled. I’m feelin’ everything you are, and I say we’re hungry!

Please, just let me have some peace and quiet so that I can THINK, Pinkie pleaded hopelessly, her head hanging as she trudged in a circle.

… Christ, you really don’t like me much, do you? Ralph asked quizzically, but his voice was quiet.

Pinkie inhaled as much as she could, letting out a long, slow breath.

“No,” she said out loud. “No, I don’t like you at all.”

Ouch.

“Can you really blame me?” Pinkie said defensively, stopping her pacing long enough to stand directly in front of her vanity mirror, which had been partially coated with stickers and small photographs of herself with her friends.

Friends very dear and close to her heart that Ralph had continuously pelted her mind with very naughty images of.

“I mean…” Pinkie Pie began, talking directly into the mirror at her own reflection. Ralph momentarily produced a strange sort of mental image, along with ‘who’s the fairest one of all’, or some such nonsense. She hadn’t noticed before how her mane seemed to have lost quite a bit of its bounce, the downturned mouth and upset expression so unfitting of her very nature.

“Maybe, I might get to like you,” Pinkie said quietly, watching her reflection. “But you make it really, really hard.”

For a moment, Pinkie basked in complete and utter silence. Again, quite unlike herself.

“… Okay.” Pinkie watched her mouth move in the reflection as Ralph took control of her lips, but he did so in a slow, cautionary manner, so as to stop if Pinkie insisted upon it. “Okay,” she watched herself say again.

“… Let’s make... a deal,” Ralph began softly, and Pinkie’s reflection became blank.

“What kind?”

“Look, I don’t like not being in control of my own actions,” Ralph explained, gently rubbing her left hoof over her cheek. “I don’t like not being inside my own body. I miss fingers.”

“Get to the point,” Pinkie said impatiently, pushing her opposite hoof down and staring hard at the mirror.

“Right,” Ralph continued aloud. “Let’s face it; life without a dick sounds really grim. And frankly, I really want to fuck the shit out of your friends.”

“… Come again?”

“I probably would make you,” her reflection grinned wickedly at her. “But if I’m stuck here for a while, it’s not going to do any good if we’re always fighting.”

“At least we can agree on something,” Pinkie nodded thoughtfully. “Everypony is going to think we’re fruitier than a fruit bat.”

“Well, that too,” Ralph went on. “So, what do you say we call a truce for now?”

“You mean… you’re going to stop trying to work my body parts?” Pinkie asked her reflection hopefully.

“Yeah, no. That’s not what I meant.” He explained through her mouth. “I just say we share what we’ve got for now, until I can manage to get back into my old body. M’kay?”

“I… guess, if that’s what it takes…” Pinkie said slowly, and found that one hoof had been placed against the cool surface of the mirror in what was supposed to be a shake.

“Right on.” her mouth turned upward in a genuine smile. Pinkie’s first instinct was to try smiling back, and wound up giggling as she suddenly remembered that, duh, she already was.

“So, a truce, then!” Pinkie said enthusiastically.

“At least until I get to fuck your friend’s brains out.”

“I… um.” Pinkie said uncertainly, edging away from the mirror temporarily. “I… don’t quite get that.”

“Okay, okay, fine,” Ralph said, a dimly agitated look appearing on her face. “I’ll nail ‘em later, so long as I can get in some hanky-panky first.”

The blank look she returned didn’t seem to settle as much of an answer.

“… You know. Jerkin’ the gherkin? Choking the chicken?”

“…”

“Spanking the monkey?”

Pinkie remained silent, her confused look only growing more blatant as she stared at her reflection. Ralph didn’t seem to be forthcoming with any mental image examples this time.

“… Masturbating?” Ralph said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, holding her hooves out in exasperation.

“I… I don’t really know what that is,” Pinkie admitted awkwardly.

“… Oh, I am going to have so much fun ruining your innocence.”

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Author's Note

Kindly let me know if I made any errors! I'd greatly appreciate it.