To Be Natty, or Not To Be Natty; That is the Question
Author's Note
Props to Kanashiipanda for his video of the same name, Friendship is Manly, which inspired this fic.
And props to Sabre for being the ultimate in bro-tier and helping me out.
To Be Natty, or Not To Be Natty: That is the Question
The sun rose over the village of Ponyville, bathing the little town in its golden rays. Throughout the village, ponies awoke from their peaceful slumber and began to prepare for the day ahead of them.
The sun's rays fell upon Ponyville's 24 Hour Fitness, where Twilight Sparkle was fast asleep in his office, completely covered in bitches. The sunlight flooded in through a nearby window and bathed the body builder in its glow, causing him to stir and awaken.
He sat up and groaned loudly before glaring at the sun. It was too early for this shit. He needed more sleep.
Angered by being awakened, Twilight flipped the sun the bird before climbing over the wall of bitches and getting out of bed.
He walked out of the office and made his way to the gym's main room. He activated the stereo system and cranked it up. Metallica started blasting as the bodybuilder fell to his hands and feet. He held his position for several minutes, letting gravity and his weight work out his muscles. Satisfied he had done enough, he began doing push-ups to continue his warm-up.
Seven minutes and two hundred and thirteen push-ups later, Twilight Sparkle rose from the ground, barely breaking a sweat.
As he made his way over to the barbells, the body builder heard the front door open and several people walk in. He looked up and spotted the rest of the Elements of Broship enter the gym and start walking his way.
In the middle of the pack was Rarity, a former agent with the Central Intelligence Agency. He picked up body building after leaving the agency over an op that went wrong. He and Twilight had known each other since they met at a deadlift competition. They both faced off in the finals, but the match was a draw. Later they ended up going to the bar together, and fucking many bitches.
To his left and right were Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash. Unlike the others, they were gifted with the ability to fly. Where they were from, they were easily the fastest humans with the ability to fly (or 'angels'). Twilight and Rarity met these two during an Iron Man competition. The four got separated from the rest of the contestants and had to work together to survive in the wilderness, and make their way back to civilization.
To the right of Rainbow Dash was Applejack, who had worked as a farm hand since he was five until he enlisted in the United States Marines. After a few years in infantry, Applejack ended up spending the rest of his time in the Marines as a member of Force Recon. After his time in the military was over, Applejack continued his fitness lifestyle. Picking up body building and taking part in body building competitions. The four ended up meeting Applejack one year at NPC Texas, where they quickly became friends with the Texan and welcomed him into their group.
Last but not least was the youngest member of their group, Pinkie Pie. Shortly after they moved to California together, the five came across him on 4chan's /fit/ board. Pinkie Pie was a little fatter than a skinnyfat back then, and was looking to get in shape. After getting ahold of his email and eventually his Facebook account, it was discovered that the pink partier actually lived in their area. Seeing this as a new challenge, the five got together with Pinkie Pie and slowly built him up from a pathetic skinnyfat to a natty-as-fuck alpha dog. Shortly thereafter, Pinkie Pie ended up moving in with the five, and they all entered into bodybuilding competitions throughout the California area.
Everything in their lives were perfect. They were natty. They had women. They had money. They had everything they could ask for.
Until, that is, a freak accident tore them away from their humble abode in Los Angeles and they found themselves trapped in a land full of colorful ponies called Equestria.
To top it all off, apparently the accident also took away Equestria's only weapon against evil, a group of six mares called the Elements of Harmony, and they were forced to become the new Elements of Harmony.
In the end, though, it worked out for them. They renamed the Elements of Harmony the Elements of Broship and opened up a successful 24 Hour Fitness together. They eventually regained their wealth and women, even if the money was golden bits and the women were horses, or occasionally other species such as gryphons or minotaurs. All they had to do was occasionally do the princess's dirty work and kick the shit out of someone.
The five bros stood before the purple haired body builder. They stared each other down with smug smirks as they mired each other's bodies.
Twilight stretched out his arms and flexed his bulging muscles. The five men gathered before him stared in awe, before Applejack pushed forward and stood in front of the purple haired body builder, before bending over slightly and clasping his arms together, causing his muscles to bulge.
"Is this going where I think it's going?" Twilight asked the Texan.
"Ya know it," Applejack responded.
"HHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGG!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
The two body builders grunted in effort as they both lifted their barbells, both weighing well over 400 pounds, over their knees and held them there. They watched each other out the corners of their eyes, watching for any sign of weakness, as they held there.
Finally, they both set their barbells down and faced each other.
"Ya want to keep goin, string beans?" the Southerner inquired.
"I think I can go another 200 pounds," Twilight responded.
"Hah! You pussy. Ah can keep this going all day long," Applejack said with a smirk.
"And so can I."
The gym's doors opened and someone new walked in. The six body builders looked behind them to see Iron Will walking their way. Upon recognizing the most natty individual on the planet, even more natty than themselves, the six quickly genuflected before the minotaur.
"How many times does Iron Will need to say it? Iron Will appreciates the respect, but bowing isn't really necessary," he stated.
The six rose from the ground, but did not apologize. The minotaur was like royalty to them.
They met Iron Will six months ago, a few weeks after the accident. Turns out, the Elements of Broship didn't exactly get along with Princess Celestia. So, to make things less difficult, the princess hired Iron Will, a professional body builder and motivational speaker, to act as a liaison between them and the nations rulers.
"What does she want this time? Can't handle an itty bitty dragon?" Pinkie Pie inquired.
"No." Iron Will deadpanned.
"Is her sister on her period again?" Fluttershy asked.
"Iron Will doesn't know, she just said to get you and return to Canterlot," he said. "There is a chariot waiting outside. Let's go."
Celestia paced back and forth in the chamber containing the Elements of Harmony Broship. The doors flung open, causing the princess look up. In walked Iron Will, followed by the six humans who replaced the Elements of Harmony after the accident that took away her student and her friends.
"Iron Will brought the Elements of Harmony-"
"Broship." Rainbow Dash corrected.
"Errr... Broship, as soon as he could," Iron Will said.
"Though we did stop for some muscle shakes at Fluttershy's place first," Twilight said. A shit eating grin spread across Fluttershy's face as he flexed his muscles with a grunt of effort. The other humans in the room looked over to the pink haired angel, before striking poses of their own and flexing their muscles to each other.
The princess facehoofed.
"Bitch be mirin'," one of them said.
"Alright, enough," Celestia spoke up, getting the attention of the six humans, "I've called you here for a matter of great importance. It seems an old foe of mine, someone I thought I had defeated long ago, has returned. His name... is Discord."
"Sounds like a bitch," Rainbow Dash commented.
"He probably doesn't even lift," Rarity said.
The princess ignored their comments. "Discord is the mischievous spirit of disharmony. Before my sister and I stood up to him, he ruled Equestria in an eternal state of unrest and unhappiness. Luna and I saw how miserable life was for Earth ponies, Pegasi, and Unicorns alike, so after discovering the Elements of Harmony, we-"
"Broship," Applejack corrected.
"I'm sorry?"
"It's the Elements of Broship. Get it right."
Celestia facehoofed, before continuing. "Anyways... we combined our powers and rose up against him, turning him to stone. I thought the spell we cast would keep him contained forever, but since Luna and I are no longer connected to the Elements, the spell has been broken."
"No longer connected? What, did you fuck up or something?" Twilight Sparkle asked.
The princess ignored this insult, fearing what would happen if she angered them before she figured out how to get the original Elements of Harmony back. "This is Canterlot Tower, where the Elements are kept inside since your predecessors recovered them. I need you to wield the Elements of Harmony once again and stop Discord before he thrusts all of Equestria into eternal chaos."
"Why don't you just get off your ass and do it yourself? We got a business to run, weights to lift, bitches to fuck, we have no time to do your-"
"ENOUGH!" Celestia shouted, stomping her hoof hard enough to cause the building to shake and floor beneath her to crack. She took a deep breath and regained her composure before continuing, "Both you and your predecessors showed the full potential of the Elements by harnessing the magic of your friendship, or broship, to beat a mighty foe. Although Luna and I once wielded the Elements, it is you who now control their power, and it is you who must defeat Discord!"
The six glanced at each other and huddled up to speak in private. The alicorn rolled her eyes and waited them to finish, before they turned back to the princess.
"We'll do it if we get the funding to add a pool to our gym," Twilight said.
"Deal," Celestia agreed.
"FUCK YEAH!" the six bro said as they all slapped each other high fives and slapped each other on the back.
"You can count on us, princess," Rarity said.
"Good... have no fear, ponies-"
"We're not horses. We're men," the southerner among the six corrected.
"FUCK YEAH!" Pinkie Pie roared, flexing his muscles. The situation quickly devolved into a mess of grunting and flexing as the six men competed over who was the most manly of them all, by flexing their muscles and seeing who's muscles were the biggest.
Celestia sighed, before turning to Iron Will. "Iron Will, if you would?"
"Yes princess," Iron Will said as he marched up to the six flexing humans. He struck a pose and stretched out his arms, before flexing his bulging muscles. The six men immediately stopped and looked on in awe, mirin' the pure beauty of Iron Will's muscles. They bowed before the minotaur, remembering why they treated him like a king.
"Rise, men. May you please listen to the princess so we can get on with this? Iron Will has a craving for some bitches."
The six nodded in agreement and listened intently to what the princess had to say.
Celestia smiled thankfully to the minotaur. "Thank you, Iron Will. Anyways, I have total confidence that you will be able to defeat Discord with these!"
The mare turned around and inserted her horn into a hole in the wall in front of her. The wall began to glow a bright cyan as the doors slid open. The six men and the minotaur behind the alicorn had to shield their eyes from the bright light as the door finished opening, revealing a jewel encrusted case. She picked up the case with her telekinesis and levitated it over to the six men, opening it and presenting the contents inside to them.
It was empty.
"Huh, the Elements are gone. Oh well, let's go home guys!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed, turning around and walking away.
"Hold up, Pinkie," Twilight said, walking over to a portrait of Discord, "We need that pool. Just because we don't have any fancy jewelry doesn't mean we can't kick this skinny clusterfuck of animal parts' ass."
"Yeah! I mean, look at him," Rainbow Dash said, making his way over to Twilight and motioning to the portrait, "You were probably in better shape than he is when we met you."
Pinkie Pie paused, then walked over to where the two were standing. After a moments thought, he spoke up. "Yeah, this little skinny fuck won't stand a chance."
"That chamber is protected by a powerful spell that only I can break!" Celestia exclaimed, getting the attention of the humans, "This doesn't make sense!"
Evil, stereotypical villain laughter echoed throughout the chamber, causing the alicorn to tense up. "Make sense? Oh, what fun is there in making sense?" a voice asked.
"Discord... Show yourself!" the princess shouted.
The Discord in the painting disappeared with a flash, and the painting was replaced by a much more bigger and buffer version of the draconequus.
"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM!" the seven body builders exclaimed in shock as they mired the draconequus's body.
Celestia's mouth dropped. "H-he's much b-bigger than I-I remember..."
"WAIT A SECOND!" someone shouted out.
Everyone turned to the source of the voice, who turned out was Rarity. He approached Discord and examined his body, before reeling back with a disgusted face. "HE ISN'T NATTY!"
"DISGUSTING!" the other six said in unison.
Discord rolled his eyes. "When you're trapped in stone, you don't exactly have the ability to lift."
"Wait, Iron Will is confused. How would you take 'roids if you were trapped in stone?" the minotaur inquired.
"I'm not one to make sense," the clusterfuck of animal parts answered, before turning towards Celestia, "Did you miss me, Celestia? I missed you. It's quite lonely being encased in stone, but you wouldn't know that, would you, because *I don't turn ponies into stone*."
"Enough! What have you done with the Elements of Harmony?" she demanded.
"BROSHIP!" everyone in the room corrected.
"Oh, I just borrowed them for a teensy little while. I needed them to unclog my toilet."
Pinkie Pie chuckled to himself. "This guy might not be natty, but he's pretty chill. I'd party with him any day."
The other five nodded in agreement.
"Awwww, thank you guys!" Discord said.
"You'll never get away with this, Discord!" the alicorn princess said, glaring at the steroid addicted demigod.
"Oh, I'd forgotten how grim you can be, Celestia. It's really quite boring."
The two stood there, staring each other down, before Discord glanced around strangely. "Something's off. Isn't Rainbow Dash supposed to attempt to assault me or something for insulting you?"
"I don't exactly rush to defend people who can't do their job," Rainbow Dash said with a shrug.
Discord broke down into laughter, falling to the ground and flailing about as he laughed his mismatched ass off. This lasted for several moments, before he eventually rose off the floor and wiped away some tears from his eyes. "Haha... Celestia, he just wrecked you."
"Quit playing, Discord! What have you done with the Elements of Harmony?" the princess demanded, sending a glare Rainbow Dash's way, which the rainbow haired body builder shrugged off.
"Oh, so boring, Celestia. Really?" the draconequus asked, before rolling his eyes, "Fine, I'll tell you, but I'll only tell you my way. To retrieve your missing Elements, just make sense of this change of events. Twists and turns are my master plan. Then find the Elements back where you began."
"Errr... Iron Will doesn't mean to intrude in your little game, Discord, but the Elements of Broship got here like six months ago."
"Oh... well then, we'll just hold a contest of your choice, and if you win, you'll get your precious Elements back."
"And if we lose?" Twilight inquired.
"Then I'll turn you all into fat, fedora-wearing neckbeards," Discord answered.
The Elements of Broship immediately gasped in shock.
"Now... what is your chosen contest?" the draconequus asked.
"Deadlifting," the six immediately answered.
A few hours later, the Elements of Broship, Iron Will, Celestia, and Discord found themselves at the Ponyville 24 Hour Fitness. Discord was sipping chocolate milk in the corner, Twilight, Iron Will, and Celestia were talking in another corner, and the other members of the Elements of Broship were setting up the barbells in the center of the gym. There was also a large crowd of ponies gathered in the gym, all waiting for something to happen.
"I did not at all expect it to go this way," Celestia commented.
"You got that funding ready for us?" Twilight asked.
"Yes... provided you win, of course," the alicorn said.
"We're natty, he's not. We got this in the bag." Twilight stated confidently.
"You ready yet?!" Discord shouted over to Twilight.
"Yeah!" Twilight shouted back, before turning to the princess and the natty-as-fuck minotaur. "Alright, let's get this show on the road."
"Iron Will would say good luck, but that's bad luck," the minotaur said.
"Break a leg, Twilight," Celestia said as the body builder made his way to the center where the rest of the Elements of Broship and Discord awaited him.
"You ready for this, 'roid rager?" Twilight inquired.
The draconequus yawned. "Let's get this over with. I have chaos to wreak."
The two took their positions over their barbells, both loaded up with 400 pounds worth of weights.
"There are two rules," Rarity called out, "no magic or cheating. The first one who gives out loses. Agreed?"
"Agreed," both of the contestants agreed.
"READY!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed.
The two leaned over and grabbed their barbells.
"SET!"
The two bent their knees and lifted their chest.
"GO!"
The purple haired body builder and the draconequus both pulled their barbell's up, rolling them past their knees and thighs until their knees locked.
"GO TWILIGHT GO!"
"GRIND THIS 'ROID USER IN THE DUST!"
"GET US THAT POOL!"
"LOUD NOISES!"
"IF YOU LOSE WE'RE ALL PROBABLY GOING TO DIE! NO PRESSURE!"
"MORE WEIGHT!" Pinkie Pie called out. The other four members of the Elements of Broship rushed forward and added 100 pounds to their load. The sudden weight increase caused Twilight to vomit all over himself.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his chest already. All he was missing was his mom's spaghetti.
Twilight spit some of the leftover vomit out of his mouth as he increased his effort, causing him to grunt with effort.
"UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURGH!" he grunted.
Another hundred pounds were added to their barbells. Twilight did his best, but he couldn't keep it up.
He dropped his barbells and fell to his knees in defeat.
"HAHA!" Discord laughed, shooting his fist in air. "I WIN! IN YOUR FACE, CELESTIA!"
The draconequus walked up to the fallen Twilight and kneeled before him. "You put up a good fight... but I'm afraid you'll have to live with being a neckbeard for the rest of your life."
A single tear rolled down the bodybuilders cheek as he realized what this meant.
"I hope you guys like being euphoric, because-"
"WAIT!"
Everyone looked towards Fluttershy, the quietest of the six, as he walked up to the two. "You agreed to not cheat, correct?"
"Yes, and I didn't," Discord said, "I beat Twilight here fair and square."
"But that isn't true. Earlier you admitted to using 'roids. Technically, you aren't allowed to use steroids, and it is considered cheating."
"He's right. Good job, Fluttershy," Rarity complimented.
"Discord, you are disqualified," Pinkie Pie said.
The crowd, including Celestia and Iron Will, erupted into cheers as the members of the Elements of Broship helped Twilight off the ground and congratulated him.
"Well played, Elements of Broship," Discord complimented, as he teleported the Elements from wherever he was hiding them and levitating them over to the six body builders. "You have beat me at my own game. You can turn me to stone now."
Twilight looked away from his bros and glanced at the draconequus strangely. "That's it? You're giving up?"
"I may be many things, but I am a god of my word. I submit to whatever you want to do to punish me."
"QUICKLY, TURN HIM TO STONE BEFORE HE CHANGES HIS MIND!" Celestia exclaimed.
"NO!"
Everyone looked at Twilight strangely as he walked up to Discord. "I have learned a lot since we came to Equestria. And as mad gay as it is, one of those things was the magic of friendship. Discord is misguided, but he's obviously good at heart.
"Discord, you must become one of our bros. You will lift with us, fuck women with us, and party with us. You will not cause chaos. You will become the ultimate bro. If not, I swear to fucking Christ, you're going to wish I turned you to stone."
The draconequus blinked. "I must say, I'm surprised I'm not trapped in a stone prison at the moment. Very well, if the punishment for my actions is becoming your bro, I will do it."
"FUCK YEAH!" the body builders exclaimed as they all high-fived each other, before rushing Discord and bringing him in for a brohug.
"TONIGHT, WE GET SHITFACED!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed.
"LET'S PARTY!" Pinkie Pie shouted.
The bros separated and began dancing as rave music began to play from the nearby stereo system. The ponies in the room looked at the seven mismatched bros with confusion, before they too joined them in their dancing. Iron Will made his way through the crowd joined the seven bros and began to join them in their rave dance.
"Iron Will is glad this ended in a peaceful manner. Iron Will thought he'd have to bring the smackdown on you, Discord," the minotaur shouted over the music.
"That would have been quite a fight!" Discord responded, "But I'm sure I would have won."
"We'll have to take it to the boxing ring some time to find out who would win, then!"
"TWILIGHT!"
The purple haired body builder turned around and spotted Princess Celestia making her way through the crowd towards him. She stopped in front of him and glanced up. "Good job. I must say, this didn't end the way I expected, but I feel this may be a better option. As usual, friendship prevails. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm proud of you."
Twilight shrugged. "It seems kind of cruel to imprison someone just for having fun, even if he's a bit misguided."
"Yes, I see that now. Good job. Have fun with your party... your paycheck will be in the mail tomorrow."
"You're not going to stick around?" the body builder inquired.
"No, I'm going to go spend some time with Luna. Have fun!"
And so, the princess left, leaving the Elements of Broship to host the greatest party ever seen.
And everyone lived happily ever after.
Except Spike, who died of testicular cancer.
